Magellans at the Movies

Where would we be without scientists? Why, without those brave men and women in labcoats, we’d still be in the center of the solar system, treating low spirits with leeches, and knocking back shots of radium to improve the sheen of our hair or whatever. Clearly, then, your worst high school subject has done plenty of good for humankind, but what about when science goes too far? What about when chemistry is put to (gasp) evil ends? ...

Ah, to be alive in the 70s. The age that saw the countercultural movement reach the height of its powers, the first bombardment of Star Wars’ conquest of human culture, and a series of shiny new leaders with shiny new ideas rise to the top in the east and west. Yes, the 70s was a tumultuous time, but if Vietnam had you down or Brezhnev was on your back, at least you could always unwind with a cigarette and a film, and there was no ...

Dads. I sure wish I had one. I’ve heard that they can be good for quite a lot, such as mowing the lawn, bringing home bacon, and ensuring televisions don’t go to waste. Of course, not everyone has the kind of relationship with their father that any of the above uses can make up for the strain their old man puts on their lives. Take, for example, the troubled father-son dynamic at the heart of Big Fish, a 2003 Tim Burton directed dr...

When aliens show up in movies, it’s usually either en masse, as part of a hostile invasion force, or, if they’re alone, as essentially a lost puppy that can teach some young child an important and heartwarming lesson. Not so for the Yautja, a solo hunter who’s as much like a puppy as a shark is like a goldfish. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, you’re probably more familiar with the Yautja’s more common sobriquet: predators...

Gadgets: improbable. Villain’s plans: impractical. Mission: impossible. For the past two decades the Mission: Impossible franchise has been a frequent installment in the summer movie schedule, bringing action, humor, and increasingly ambitious stunts to the screen and delighting audiences worldwide. As the stakes got higher and the odds of Tom Cruise dying in bed got lower, the popularity of the franchise only accelerated, culminat...

Marriage. You can tell it’s a critical foundation of Western Civilization because of all the endearing names we use to refer to our spouses: the ball and chain, the old trouble and strife, and babe. I hate the word “babe”. Everyone knows that marriage can be difficult, how much more so when you’re a pair of high level officers in the vast intelligence apparatus of the United Kingdom? That is the question answered by Black Bag, a 20...

Who among us has never heard of a man or woman who wanted to be in the movies? Movie stardom is a siren call for dreamers and doofuses the world over, for who wouldn’t want to live the dream of bitter divorces, loss of privacy, and opening a door fifty times to get the perfect shot for a pretentious director? Perhaps that’s why Buster Keaton double dipped in his 1924 comedy Sherlock Jr., home of one of the most memorable screen-jum...

When people are killed, when children go missing, when affairs are had, the detectives of the world step in and smoke, deduce, analyze, smoke, gather clues, smoke, fight, smoke, and light up a cigarette in search of justice. What happens, however, when the detective swaps out a fondness for recreational cancer in favor of fine cuisine and even finer facial hair? Why, then you’d have the mighty moustached sleuth Hercule Poirot, ace ...

How much do you really know about your next door neighbor? I know that Greg might seem like an affable old man who putters around the garden and gives out carrot sticks on Halloween, but haven’t you ever considered that he might be a shape shifting alien with sinister designs not just on you, but the world entire? Enough about my contentious relationship with my local HOA, however, let’s talk movies, specifically The Thing, a 2011 ...

It’s-a-me, Mario! How many times have you heard those words, be they in the innumerable games that feature Nintendo’s most famous cash cow, or in the shrill falsetto of you and your stupid friends as you play Smash Bros.? Like Star Wars, Mario as a franchise and as a character has transcended the boundaries of medium, language, and culture to become a fixture of global civilization. Practically the figurehead of video games themsel...

Music is nice, isn’t it? It’s one of the oldest art forms in human history, it crosses cultural boundaries, and it contains more sub-genres and niche interests than there are cruddy “soulslikes” on Steam. As with all other forms of artistic expression, plenty can go wrong when you’re making music, especially if you’re so good at it a group of vampires rock up to your joint looking to recruit you into their band. Such is the burden ...

Cartoons. It may be hard to believe, but before they were a stable full of dead horses being optimistically flogged by the Fox network, cartoons were once the masters of a vast entertainment empire linking the theater with the ever-important Saturday morning slot. Clearly animation has changed since the rule of Bugs Bunny and/or Mickey Mouse, but, thankfully, the past is beyond recovery, not review. That’s why today Magellans at th...

Computers. They’re honestly just the bane of my existence. When they’re not perishing to water, the most common element on the planet, they’re malfunctioning for reasons beyond the reach of human cognition, they’re spitting out esoteric verse only those initiated into the elect circle of digital interpreters are capable of translating. It makes me wonder, what’s really happening behind the screen and beneath the keys? What kinds of...

Ah, to be alive in the 80s. An era of increasing digitization, designer drugs, and flagging dictatorships warming themselves on the dying embers of the Cold War. Like most decades in human history, the 80s had its ups and downs and crises, but unlike most decades in human history, it also had movies! This fateful decade was the age of the big, burly action hero and the soaring fantasy adventure, and the Magellans at the Movies have...

Submarines. They’re like whales, but not as majestic and far more likely to destroy innocent boats, at least this century. Submarines are nice because when you’ve run out of terrestrial and aerial space to put explosives they offer a convenient new arena in which to store devices of unimaginable destruction. I’m referring to nuclear-armed submarines, and it’s not hard to imagine that, in times of crisis, different people crewing th...

It’s hard to be a teenager. Your body betrays you, society doesn’t trust you, your parents don’t understand you, and in the midst of all of this you’re asked to stake out an identity for yourself that may well last for the rest of your life. This can, of course, go quite wrong, and what may have been a fully functioning, contributing member of society can end up the kind of person who goes to Magic the Gathering tournaments and/or ...

Australia, the land of the blue ringed octopus, the funnel web spider, the vicious drop bear, and the accent you're convinced you can nail, but in fact commit a hate crime every time you try it. The land down under can be a dangerous place, which is probably why nine out of ten viewers of Mad Max: Fury Road, a 2015 action film directed by George Miller, can't tell if it's a documentary or not. I'm exaggerating, of course, Australia...

Vroom, vroom! Neeeeeooooowww, eeeeeeeeeeaaaa, KA-BOOM! Oh, excuse me, I didn’t see you there. I was just playing with my toy cars. It’s childish, I know, and I’ve been looking for a more mature, adult hobby to satisfy my love of speed and loud noises. I know what can help me: racing real cars! Faster speeds, louder noises, tackier sponsorships! I’m being harsh, of course, there’s more to racing than base level sensory pleasures and...