January 25, 2025 • 22 mins
How can embracing the concept of "three C's" transform your relationships and personal healing journey? Join Me on Man Uncaved Again as we unpack the powerful principles from Al-Anon, designed to support those who love individuals grappling with addiction. I share my personal story of recovery, emphasizing the liberating realization that "I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it." This episode is a heartfelt exploration of setting boundaries and reclaiming your mental peace amidst the chaos of addiction, whether it be substance-related or tied to process addictions. These insights aim to help listeners relinquish misplaced blame and embark on their own healing paths.
Throughout this episode, the focus shifts to the deeply personal journey of healing and the significance of respecting each individual's process. Shane highlights the necessity of taking personal responsibility and evaluating our roles within dysfunctional relationships. By understanding the dynamics of codependency and unrealistic expectations, you'll learn how to cultivate healthier interactions and emotional growth. With practical strategies for setting boundaries and prioritizing self-care, listeners are encouraged to foster more peaceful lives while letting loved ones take responsibility for their actions. Tune in to discover how these transformative insights can help you nurture a more balanced and fulfilling life.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
And this could be really excruciating, especially
around loved ones, where mythought was, if I could just
love them more, they would heal.
Of course it didn't turn outthat way.
Hey everybody, and welcome backto Men Uncaved Again.
(00:21):
My name is Shane and I'd liketo take a moment today to talk
about a powerfultransformational topic.
This topic is known as thethree C's.
This actually comes from aprogram called Al-Anon.
Now I'm going to throw thisdisclaimer out.
(00:42):
A lot of you already know that Icome from the world of recovery
.
I got clean through treatmentand I attended AA meetings to
overcome my addictive patterns.
Now, I am not a spokesman forAA.
I think there are many ways tofind our healing, our
transformation, aa, na, any ofthe Anonymize being one of them,
(01:07):
including Al-Anon.
So I am not here to pushanything on anybody.
However, there are greatteachings within these types of
Anonymize that can create hugelifestyle changes beyond what we
think of addiction, beyond whatwe think of alcoholism, but
(01:28):
just the wider lens of behaviorpatterns.
So I just wanted to put thatout there.
I'm not here to push one way ofhealing and transformation.
I think it's important for usand our responsibility to
understand different ways ofhealing and which again makes us
(01:50):
a multi-dimensional person thatwhich can be very life-changing
, not just for those ones lovedones struggling with addiction,
(02:10):
but anyone that is trying tonavigate again personal growth,
boundaries and self-care in theface of difficult relationships
so romantic, family and friends.
But if you've ever been in arelationship with someone whose
behaviors have been destructiveor self-sabotaging which could
(02:33):
be addiction or compulsivebehavior patterns or emotional
instability you know howchallenging that can be to
maintain your own peace of mindamongst this individual.
It can feel like you're walkingthrough eggshells.
But what if I told you there isactually a different way, a
(02:54):
healthier way to navigate theserelationships, one that focuses
on boundaries, personal growthand self-care personal growth
and self-care.
And so today I want to breakthose down, these three C's of
Al-Anon.
I didn't cause it, I can'tcontrol it and I can't cure it
(03:18):
and we're going to discuss howthey can help you reclaim your
power, protect your energy andfoster growth and healing for
both yourself and your lovedones.
A little quick snapshot, a briefhistory about Al-Anon.
So for those that don't know,I'm just going to give this.
Al-anon is a family group.
It was founded in 1951.
And this was in a response tothe devastating impacts that
(03:43):
alcoholism can have on itsfamilies and loved ones.
Now this program was originallyit was modeled off of
Alcoholics Anonymous, which hasbeen founded a few years earlier
I think 1935, for individualsstruggling with addiction.
(04:03):
For individuals struggling withaddiction, primarily, obviously
, alcohol, though theseprinciples apply to any form of
addiction or compulsive behaviorpatterns, and that is my model
as well.
We have a very limited viewsometimes about what addiction
is.
We think of the junkie, thedrug addict, or we think about
(04:27):
the alcoholic.
There are also processaddictions, which I've spoken
about briefly, where we canemotionally try to regulate
ourselves when we aredysregulated, through
distractions, through movingaway from discomforts.
Again, codependency could beone of them.
Sex, love, shopping, gambling,food can be something.
(04:50):
There are many different waysto mood alter, but truly one
addiction process, and I'll talkabout that another time.
So I wanted to put that idea ineverybody's minds.
When I'm looking at theseaddictions or compulsive
behavior patterns, I'm lookingat it from a very wide
(05:13):
perspective and a wide lens.
Now, the three C's of Al-Anonwere introduced as part of the
mental and emotional detox.
It was a way for the familymembers and friends to stop
taking responsibility for thebehaviors they couldn't control,
and it was actually to freethemselves of guilt and to begin
(05:37):
healing their own.
These three statementsencapsulates the necessary
mindset shift that would allowloved ones to stop absorbing the
chaos and focus on their ownwell-being.
So I wanted to give that reallybrief history of Al-Anon so
(05:59):
just in those words alone youcan understand, from maybe your
own perspective, wheredysfunction can lie.
And there's many waysdysfunction can lie in a
relationship, whether that beromantic, a family or not.
So let's dive into the first CI didn't cause it.
(06:19):
This first key principle Ididn't cause it.
This is such a crucial concept.
When we are in relationshipswith people who struggle, it's
easy to internalize thesesituations for ourselves and
start believing that we're theone causing the pain or actions,
and sometimes, within thosedysfunctional relationships,
(06:43):
we're made to believe that we'rethe one causing them.
This is called gaslighting,blame-shifting, shame-shift from
their own pain so they can moodalter by blame-shifting,
shame-shifting.
These are all projections,projective identifications onto
the other person where we cancome to believe that we are the
(07:05):
cause of a lot of their pain.
And so some of the questionswhen we have been made to
believe in this dysfunctionalrelationship is if I had done
better, could this turn outdifferently?
If I had been with a betterpartner, a better friend, a
family member, would they haveturned out differently?
So we can start to internalizethese concepts again, putting
(07:30):
all of the blame on ourself.
Here's the hard truth.
You didn't cause their behavior.
Put a little another disclaimeron this one too.
Now it's not to say that thereis no responsibility for
behaviors.
If we ourselves are causingothers harm, we need to take
that accountability and thatresponsibility.
(07:50):
You didn't cause their behavior.
Everyone is responsible fortheir own behavior.
I might have mentioned thatbefore with what is called
internal boundaries.
We are not responsible for whatpeople think, feel and do.
We are actually onlyresponsible for what we think,
(08:11):
feel and do.
So you didn't make them pick upthe drink.
You didn't make them pick upthe drug or engage in that toxic
behavior.
Addiction, compulsive actions,physical issues or destructive
patterns are often the result ofa deeply rooted emotional,
(08:31):
psychological issue that isoutside of our own control.
Now, this is an importantboundary to set up, not just
with the person struggling, butwith our own self.
Again, we're not responsiblefor their choices.
Accepting this can beincredibly liberating.
(08:53):
It allows us to release theweight or guilt or shame that
can come with trying to fix orsave them.
We didn't cause someone'sbehavior.
How essential that is inself-preservation.
It helps us to stop taking onthe emotional burden that isn't
(09:17):
Ours to carry.
When you accept that truth, youcan actually step.
We can actually stop toover-explain yourself or justify
their actions.
We can set boundaries thatprotect ourselves emotionally
and our own well-being.
Now, for example, if your lovedone is making a
(09:40):
self-destructive choice, it'sactually okay to say I'm sorry
you're going through this, but Ican't take responsibility for
the choice that you are making.
See, we can actually showcompassion without taking
ownership for their own problems.
Now, understanding this, thisis crucial for maintaining a
(10:04):
healthy sense of self andemotional peace that we can
disconnect lovingly and with asense of compassion.
So this first C I did not causeit really shines a light on
you're responsible for your ownpatterns of behavior.
(10:27):
I am responsible for mineself-preservation and a sense of
boundaries.
Now let's dive into the secondC I can't control it.
I can't control it.
I can't control it.
This is where things can get alittle tricky, because so many
of us, including myself, canfeel like we should be able to
(10:52):
control or fix our loved onesties into our own deeper rooted
psychological, emotional woundsthat we are responsible for.
This can lead into codependency, early childhood family
(11:13):
dynamics.
We have taken on a rolesometimes where we have been
made to believe we are the fixer, the savior, or we have been to
believe that if we just do moreor do better we can actually
change the situation.
But here is some harsh reality.
You cannot control theirbehavior and we often fall into
(11:36):
this trap of trying to manage orfix the situation.
We might make excuses for themor even enable their harmful
behaviors out of a misguideddesire to protect them or
prevent conflict.
We might even try to controltheir actions by nagging,
(11:57):
advising or helping them change.
But ultimately their behaviorsis theirs to manage.
You cannot control it, nomatter how hard you try.
Realize that personal growthinvolves learning to let go of
control.
You are responsible for youractions only and your responses,
(12:23):
not for theirs.
This means setting clearboundaries around what is
acceptable in your relationshipand holding firm to them without
guilt.
This it could lead into earlychildhood family dynamics,
feeling responsible, the needfor control for an unstable
(12:48):
environment where we havelearned to take on that guilt.
For example, you can't controlwhether your loved one chooses
to get help or stop theirdestructive behavior pattern,
but you can control how yourespond to their actions.
I'll say this one more time youcan't control whether your
(13:09):
loved one chooses to get help orstop their destructive behavior
patterns, but you can controlhow you respond to their actions
.
Why I wanted to say that twice?
Because I think that is animportant key to understand it,
and I am also speaking from myown personal experience.
(13:30):
Growing up, I took on a lot ofmy mom's emotional
dysregulations her gaslighting,her shame, my dad's shame and
gaslighting.
As it was mine and I amresponsible for that.
Unfortunately, what happenedwas I can keep punishing myself
and make myself bad for my mom'semotional dysregulation or my
(13:53):
dad's gaslighting.
It became internalized forbeing this bad child.
So maybe you've been enablingthem by covering up their
mistakes or continuing to engagewith them in their unhealthy
ways.
A healthy boundary might looklike.
(14:14):
I love you, but I will nolonger cover for you or excuse
this behavior.
This is about takingresponsibility for your own life
and for your own well-being,letting go of the need to
control what isn't yours tocontrol, and in doing so, you're
(14:34):
not only protecting yourselfbut you're also giving them the
space to face their own realityand potentially seek help on
their own terms.
Now that space that you couldbe providing for them could be
the most loving thing.
That one you're doing for thembut you're also doing for
(14:54):
yourself and the relationshipyou are creating.
That space, space can be loving.
You are creating that space.
Space can be loving loving forour own self to do our own
healing, to create thoseboundaries needed.
Space for them that they findthe path that they need to take,
and space for the relationship.
(15:15):
So we stop enabling them andourself to engage in the toxic
behavior.
I just want to say a little bitabout that, because the
enabling is our responsibility,which contributes to the
dysfunctional behavior that isours and theirs is the
(15:35):
destructive behavior pattern.
So that space helps us take amoment from the relationship to
look at what is ourresponsibility and what is
theirs.
So let's take a look at thethird C.
I can't cure it.
When someone we love isstruggling with addiction again,
mental health challenges orself-destructive behavior
(15:56):
patterns, we often feel a deepsense of powerlessness.
We wish we could just weave ina magic wand sometimes and make
everything better for them, andthat's understandable.
These people we've have historywith.
They're our loved ones.
We want to fix them, we want toheal them and we want their
pain to go away.
But we cannot cure it, nomatter how much you love them,
(16:22):
no matter how much you want tohelp them to cure them.
Healing and recovery are deeplypersonal and they can't be
achieved through force orthrough someone else's
intervention.
They have to want to heal andtake responsibility for their
(16:43):
own journey, and this could bereally excruciating, especially
around loved ones, where mythought was if I could just love
them more, they would heal.
Of course, it didn't turn outthat way, and the boundaries in
the self-care of this third C isit's a reminder that your role
is not to be their savior.
(17:04):
This can be a difficult pill toswallow again, especially when
these people we truly, trulylove, especially if we've been
in their lives as a caretakerrole or have felt like we need
to fix everything, felt like weneed to fix everything.
(17:25):
Accepting that you cannot curethem helps you shift your focus
back to your own personaljourney.
As I mentioned before, deephealing work is a personal
journey and when you realize youcan't cure the situation, you
can actually finally stop usingup all your energy trying to
change them, and this candistract us from our own journey
(17:47):
and what we need to do forourselves.
So this can help us refocus ourenergy on what we can control.
It can help us refocus on ourown growth, our own healing and
our well-being, and we can takeour self and become our top
priority.
A great tool to implement hereis to set clear self-care
(18:10):
routines that prioritize yourmental, emotional and physical
health.
This can include regularactivities that nourish you,
whether it's exercise, therapy,journaling, meditation, again
spending time with supportivefriends, nature.
In addition, you can alsopractice self-compassion and
(18:32):
forgiveness for yourself whenyou slip into these old patterns
of caretaking or trying to fixthings.
Now let's take a look at howthese three C's and the impact
of them so these three C's Ididn't cause it, I can't control
it and I can't cure it are sopowerful because they put the
(18:53):
focus back where it needs tobelong, which is on you.
When you stop taking on theresponsibility of someone else's
choices, actions and healingprocess, you free yourself from
the emotional burden of tryingto fix everything.
You learn to set boundariesthat protect your mental and
emotional well-being, whichleads to personal growth and a
(19:16):
more peaceful life.
We should be protecting ourpeace and our calm.
The most valuable currency, ourmost valuable asset in this
life is our time, and these canhelp you to give your loved ones
the space to takeresponsibility for their own
actions and healing and in doingso, you both can live healthier
(19:41):
, more fulfilling lives, whetheryou're able to change the
relationship dynamic or not.
So I always say, when we setourselves free, we also invite
our partner, our loved ones,their freedom as well.
I know this could be a verychallenging thing to have to
(20:02):
deal with, especially when it'sa loved one that is
self-destructing again throughany type of addictive behavior
patterns, emotional instabilityand dysregulation, and we want
to be there for them because welove them and that is the most
beautiful thing.
We love them and we care forthem.
However, we don't have to takeit on for them.
(20:23):
We don't have to enable it forthem.
We could be driving them deeperdown their addictive behavior
patterns.
We could be driving them deeperdown their addictive behavior
patterns.
We could be driving them deeperdown their emotional regulation
skills by not giving them thespace to look at themselves.
It could be the most lovingthing you actually do for
(20:43):
somebody is you have to let themgo.
That could be very challengingand again, letting them go
doesn't necessarily mean youhave to end the relationship.
We just need to end theenabling behavior patterns.
We need to end the chaos forour own well-being and from that
we can reflect a light back tothem and they could start taking
(21:05):
on responsibility for their ownwell-being and from that place
we all can heal.
I believe the system plays itsrole where we can all
unconsciously be playing in therole of dysfunction.
Now, when we take that stepback, it is our responsibility
(21:26):
to look at our own part and inthe chaos, what was happening in
that relationship?
Taking responsibility on ourpart?
Was it underlying codependency?
Were we in the shared fantasythinking this was our mother,
our father, we could fix?
And so doing our own internalwork is going to be essential if
(21:48):
you're going to create thatspace.
This is man Uncaved.
My name is Shane.
I hope you really enjoyed thisepisode and, incorporating maybe
some of these three C's intoyour close emotional
relationships, start looking atthese patterns and how you can
create more freedom for yourself.
If you enjoyed this episode,please share it Again.
(22:10):
I ask if you did find somethinginformative.
If you enjoyed this episode,please share it Again.
I ask if you did find somethinginformative and valuable in
this episode, please share yourwords.
Let me know what landed for you.
It helps me provide greatinformation for people so you
can get your own healing.
You can heal yourself, you canheal relationships.
This is man Uncaved.
We need to come out of hiding.
And this could be really excruciating, especially
around loved ones, where mythought was, if I could just
love them more, they would heal.
Of course it didn't turn outthat way.
Hey everybody, and welcome backto Men Uncaved Again.
(00:21):
My name is Shane and I'd liketo take a moment today to talk
about a powerfultransformational topic.
This topic is known as thethree C's.
This actually comes from aprogram called Al-Anon.
Now I'm going to throw thisdisclaimer out.
(00:42):
A lot of you already know that Icome from the world of recovery
.
I got clean through treatmentand I attended AA meetings to
overcome my addictive patterns.
Now, I am not a spokesman forAA.
I think there are many ways tofind our healing, our
transformation, aa, na, any ofthe Anonymize being one of them,
(01:07):
including Al-Anon.
So I am not here to pushanything on anybody.
However, there are greatteachings within these types of
Anonymize that can create hugelifestyle changes beyond what we
think of addiction, beyond whatwe think of alcoholism, but
(01:28):
just the wider lens of behaviorpatterns.
So I just wanted to put thatout there.
I'm not here to push one way ofhealing and transformation.
I think it's important for usand our responsibility to
understand different ways ofhealing and which again makes us
(01:50):
a multi-dimensional person thatwhich can be very life-changing
, not just for those ones lovedones struggling with addiction,
(02:10):
but anyone that is trying tonavigate again personal growth,
boundaries and self-care in theface of difficult relationships
so romantic, family and friends.
But if you've ever been in arelationship with someone whose
behaviors have been destructiveor self-sabotaging which could
(02:33):
be addiction or compulsivebehavior patterns or emotional
instability you know howchallenging that can be to
maintain your own peace of mindamongst this individual.
It can feel like you're walkingthrough eggshells.
But what if I told you there isactually a different way, a
(02:54):
healthier way to navigate theserelationships, one that focuses
on boundaries, personal growthand self-care personal growth
and self-care.
And so today I want to breakthose down, these three C's of
Al-Anon.
I didn't cause it, I can'tcontrol it and I can't cure it
(03:18):
and we're going to discuss howthey can help you reclaim your
power, protect your energy andfoster growth and healing for
both yourself and your lovedones.
A little quick snapshot, a briefhistory about Al-Anon.
So for those that don't know,I'm just going to give this.
Al-anon is a family group.
It was founded in 1951.
And this was in a response tothe devastating impacts that
(03:43):
alcoholism can have on itsfamilies and loved ones.
Now this program was originallyit was modeled off of
Alcoholics Anonymous, which hasbeen founded a few years earlier
I think 1935, for individualsstruggling with addiction.
(04:03):
For individuals struggling withaddiction, primarily, obviously
, alcohol, though theseprinciples apply to any form of
addiction or compulsive behaviorpatterns, and that is my model
as well.
We have a very limited viewsometimes about what addiction
is.
We think of the junkie, thedrug addict, or we think about
(04:27):
the alcoholic.
There are also processaddictions, which I've spoken
about briefly, where we canemotionally try to regulate
ourselves when we aredysregulated, through
distractions, through movingaway from discomforts.
Again, codependency could beone of them.
Sex, love, shopping, gambling,food can be something.
(04:50):
There are many different waysto mood alter, but truly one
addiction process, and I'll talkabout that another time.
So I wanted to put that idea ineverybody's minds.
When I'm looking at theseaddictions or compulsive
behavior patterns, I'm lookingat it from a very wide
(05:13):
perspective and a wide lens.
Now, the three C's of Al-Anonwere introduced as part of the
mental and emotional detox.
It was a way for the familymembers and friends to stop
taking responsibility for thebehaviors they couldn't control,
and it was actually to freethemselves of guilt and to begin
(05:37):
healing their own.
These three statementsencapsulates the necessary
mindset shift that would allowloved ones to stop absorbing the
chaos and focus on their ownwell-being.
So I wanted to give that reallybrief history of Al-Anon so
(05:59):
just in those words alone youcan understand, from maybe your
own perspective, wheredysfunction can lie.
And there's many waysdysfunction can lie in a
relationship, whether that beromantic, a family or not.
So let's dive into the first CI didn't cause it.
(06:19):
This first key principle Ididn't cause it.
This is such a crucial concept.
When we are in relationshipswith people who struggle, it's
easy to internalize thesesituations for ourselves and
start believing that we're theone causing the pain or actions,
and sometimes, within thosedysfunctional relationships,
(06:43):
we're made to believe that we'rethe one causing them.
This is called gaslighting,blame-shifting, shame-shift from
their own pain so they can moodalter by blame-shifting,
shame-shifting.
These are all projections,projective identifications onto
the other person where we cancome to believe that we are the
(07:05):
cause of a lot of their pain.
And so some of the questionswhen we have been made to
believe in this dysfunctionalrelationship is if I had done
better, could this turn outdifferently?
If I had been with a betterpartner, a better friend, a
family member, would they haveturned out differently?
So we can start to internalizethese concepts again, putting
(07:30):
all of the blame on ourself.
Here's the hard truth.
You didn't cause their behavior.
Put a little another disclaimeron this one too.
Now it's not to say that thereis no responsibility for
behaviors.
If we ourselves are causingothers harm, we need to take
that accountability and thatresponsibility.
(07:50):
You didn't cause their behavior.
Everyone is responsible fortheir own behavior.
I might have mentioned thatbefore with what is called
internal boundaries.
We are not responsible for whatpeople think, feel and do.
We are actually onlyresponsible for what we think,
(08:11):
feel and do.
So you didn't make them pick upthe drink.
You didn't make them pick upthe drug or engage in that toxic
behavior.
Addiction, compulsive actions,physical issues or destructive
patterns are often the result ofa deeply rooted emotional,
(08:31):
psychological issue that isoutside of our own control.
Now, this is an importantboundary to set up, not just
with the person struggling, butwith our own self.
Again, we're not responsiblefor their choices.
Accepting this can beincredibly liberating.
(08:53):
It allows us to release theweight or guilt or shame that
can come with trying to fix orsave them.
We didn't cause someone'sbehavior.
How essential that is inself-preservation.
It helps us to stop taking onthe emotional burden that isn't
(09:17):
Ours to carry.
When you accept that truth, youcan actually step.
We can actually stop toover-explain yourself or justify
their actions.
We can set boundaries thatprotect ourselves emotionally
and our own well-being.
Now, for example, if your lovedone is making a
(09:40):
self-destructive choice, it'sactually okay to say I'm sorry
you're going through this, but Ican't take responsibility for
the choice that you are making.
See, we can actually showcompassion without taking
ownership for their own problems.
Now, understanding this, thisis crucial for maintaining a
(10:04):
healthy sense of self andemotional peace that we can
disconnect lovingly and with asense of compassion.
So this first C I did not causeit really shines a light on
you're responsible for your ownpatterns of behavior.
(10:27):
I am responsible for mineself-preservation and a sense of
boundaries.
Now let's dive into the secondC I can't control it.
I can't control it.
I can't control it.
This is where things can get alittle tricky, because so many
of us, including myself, canfeel like we should be able to
(10:52):
control or fix our loved onesties into our own deeper rooted
psychological, emotional woundsthat we are responsible for.
This can lead into codependency, early childhood family
(11:13):
dynamics.
We have taken on a rolesometimes where we have been
made to believe we are the fixer, the savior, or we have been to
believe that if we just do moreor do better we can actually
change the situation.
But here is some harsh reality.
You cannot control theirbehavior and we often fall into
(11:36):
this trap of trying to manage orfix the situation.
We might make excuses for themor even enable their harmful
behaviors out of a misguideddesire to protect them or
prevent conflict.
We might even try to controltheir actions by nagging,
(11:57):
advising or helping them change.
But ultimately their behaviorsis theirs to manage.
You cannot control it, nomatter how hard you try.
Realize that personal growthinvolves learning to let go of
control.
You are responsible for youractions only and your responses,
(12:23):
not for theirs.
This means setting clearboundaries around what is
acceptable in your relationshipand holding firm to them without
guilt.
This it could lead into earlychildhood family dynamics,
feeling responsible, the needfor control for an unstable
(12:48):
environment where we havelearned to take on that guilt.
For example, you can't controlwhether your loved one chooses
to get help or stop theirdestructive behavior pattern,
but you can control how yourespond to their actions.
I'll say this one more time youcan't control whether your
(13:09):
loved one chooses to get help orstop their destructive behavior
patterns, but you can controlhow you respond to their actions
.
Why I wanted to say that twice?
Because I think that is animportant key to understand it,
and I am also speaking from myown personal experience.
(13:30):
Growing up, I took on a lot ofmy mom's emotional
dysregulations her gaslighting,her shame, my dad's shame and
gaslighting.
As it was mine and I amresponsible for that.
Unfortunately, what happenedwas I can keep punishing myself
and make myself bad for my mom'semotional dysregulation or my
(13:53):
dad's gaslighting.
It became internalized forbeing this bad child.
So maybe you've been enablingthem by covering up their
mistakes or continuing to engagewith them in their unhealthy
ways.
A healthy boundary might looklike.
(14:14):
I love you, but I will nolonger cover for you or excuse
this behavior.
This is about takingresponsibility for your own life
and for your own well-being,letting go of the need to
control what isn't yours tocontrol, and in doing so, you're
(14:34):
not only protecting yourselfbut you're also giving them the
space to face their own realityand potentially seek help on
their own terms.
Now that space that you couldbe providing for them could be
the most loving thing.
That one you're doing for thembut you're also doing for
(14:54):
yourself and the relationshipyou are creating.
That space, space can be loving.
You are creating that space.
Space can be loving loving forour own self to do our own
healing, to create thoseboundaries needed.
Space for them that they findthe path that they need to take,
and space for the relationship.
(15:15):
So we stop enabling them andourself to engage in the toxic
behavior.
I just want to say a little bitabout that, because the
enabling is our responsibility,which contributes to the
dysfunctional behavior that isours and theirs is the
(15:35):
destructive behavior pattern.
So that space helps us take amoment from the relationship to
look at what is ourresponsibility and what is
theirs.
So let's take a look at thethird C.
I can't cure it.
When someone we love isstruggling with addiction again,
mental health challenges orself-destructive behavior
(15:56):
patterns, we often feel a deepsense of powerlessness.
We wish we could just weave ina magic wand sometimes and make
everything better for them, andthat's understandable.
These people we've have historywith.
They're our loved ones.
We want to fix them, we want toheal them and we want their
pain to go away.
But we cannot cure it, nomatter how much you love them,
(16:22):
no matter how much you want tohelp them to cure them.
Healing and recovery are deeplypersonal and they can't be
achieved through force orthrough someone else's
intervention.
They have to want to heal andtake responsibility for their
(16:43):
own journey, and this could bereally excruciating, especially
around loved ones, where mythought was if I could just love
them more, they would heal.
Of course, it didn't turn outthat way, and the boundaries in
the self-care of this third C isit's a reminder that your role
is not to be their savior.
(17:04):
This can be a difficult pill toswallow again, especially when
these people we truly, trulylove, especially if we've been
in their lives as a caretakerrole or have felt like we need
to fix everything, felt like weneed to fix everything.
(17:25):
Accepting that you cannot curethem helps you shift your focus
back to your own personaljourney.
As I mentioned before, deephealing work is a personal
journey and when you realize youcan't cure the situation, you
can actually finally stop usingup all your energy trying to
change them, and this candistract us from our own journey
(17:47):
and what we need to do forourselves.
So this can help us refocus ourenergy on what we can control.
It can help us refocus on ourown growth, our own healing and
our well-being, and we can takeour self and become our top
priority.
A great tool to implement hereis to set clear self-care
(18:10):
routines that prioritize yourmental, emotional and physical
health.
This can include regularactivities that nourish you,
whether it's exercise, therapy,journaling, meditation, again
spending time with supportivefriends, nature.
In addition, you can alsopractice self-compassion and
(18:32):
forgiveness for yourself whenyou slip into these old patterns
of caretaking or trying to fixthings.
Now let's take a look at howthese three C's and the impact
of them so these three C's Ididn't cause it, I can't control
it and I can't cure it are sopowerful because they put the
(18:53):
focus back where it needs tobelong, which is on you.
When you stop taking on theresponsibility of someone else's
choices, actions and healingprocess, you free yourself from
the emotional burden of tryingto fix everything.
You learn to set boundariesthat protect your mental and
emotional well-being, whichleads to personal growth and a
(19:16):
more peaceful life.
We should be protecting ourpeace and our calm.
The most valuable currency, ourmost valuable asset in this
life is our time, and these canhelp you to give your loved ones
the space to takeresponsibility for their own
actions and healing and in doingso, you both can live healthier
(19:41):
, more fulfilling lives, whetheryou're able to change the
relationship dynamic or not.
So I always say, when we setourselves free, we also invite
our partner, our loved ones,their freedom as well.
I know this could be a verychallenging thing to have to
(20:02):
deal with, especially when it'sa loved one that is
self-destructing again throughany type of addictive behavior
patterns, emotional instabilityand dysregulation, and we want
to be there for them because welove them and that is the most
beautiful thing.
We love them and we care forthem.
However, we don't have to takeit on for them.
(20:23):
We don't have to enable it forthem.
We could be driving them deeperdown their addictive behavior
patterns.
We could be driving them deeperdown their addictive behavior
patterns.
We could be driving them deeperdown their emotional regulation
skills by not giving them thespace to look at themselves.
It could be the most lovingthing you actually do for
(20:43):
somebody is you have to let themgo.
That could be very challengingand again, letting them go
doesn't necessarily mean youhave to end the relationship.
We just need to end theenabling behavior patterns.
We need to end the chaos forour own well-being and from that
we can reflect a light back tothem and they could start taking
(21:05):
on responsibility for their ownwell-being and from that place
we all can heal.
I believe the system plays itsrole where we can all
unconsciously be playing in therole of dysfunction.
Now, when we take that stepback, it is our responsibility
(21:26):
to look at our own part and inthe chaos, what was happening in
that relationship?
Taking responsibility on ourpart?
Was it underlying codependency?
Were we in the shared fantasythinking this was our mother,
our father, we could fix?
And so doing our own internalwork is going to be essential if
(21:48):
you're going to create thatspace.
This is man Uncaved.
My name is Shane.
I hope you really enjoyed thisepisode and, incorporating maybe
some of these three C's intoyour close emotional
relationships, start looking atthese patterns and how you can
create more freedom for yourself.
If you enjoyed this episode,please share it Again.
(22:10):
I ask if you did find somethinginformative.
If you enjoyed this episode,please share it Again.
I ask if you did find somethinginformative and valuable in
this episode, please share yourwords.
Let me know what landed for you.
It helps me provide greatinformation for people so you
can get your own healing.
You can heal yourself, you canheal relationships.
This is man Uncaved.
We need to come out of hiding.
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