Unlock the secret to breaking free from the chains of black-and-white thinking and transforming your relationships and decision-making skills. We promise you'll gain valuable insights into how this cognitive distortion can wreak havoc on your emotional well-being and learn practical strategies to overcome it. In this episode, I unpack the insidious nature of viewing life in extreme binaries—either perfect or disastrous—and explore how this mindset can lead to conflict, procrastination, and avoidance. Discover the crucial role of self-awareness and therapeutic interventions in fostering emotional balance and relational harmony, especially for those grappling with anxiety, depression, or trauma.
Our journey doesn't stop there. We also explore the profound impact of childhood trauma on developing these rigid thought patterns. Learn how inconsistent caregiving can drive children to categorize their experiences in absolutes, creating a distorted perception of safety and love. We'll expose how conditional love based on performance can deeply embed this mindset, leading to unrealistic expectations in adulthood. Tune in as we illuminate the path to healthier relationships and personal growth by unraveling the complex origins of black-and-white thinking—and offering actionable solutions for change.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to today's episode of man Uncaved.
I am Shane.
We are going to explore blackor white thinking patterns, and
if you find yourself viewinglife through the lens of
extremes, where everything iseither perfect or it's a total
disaster, let me first say thatyou are not alone.
This mindset can createbarriers in our relationships
(00:21):
and can often lead to irrationaldecision-making.
Again, you're-making.
Again, you're not alone, gentle, gentle, on this path.
(00:42):
We're going to explore thattoday on man and Cape.
So what is black or whitethinking?
I know we've heard this beforeit's either black or white
thinking.
You might've heard all ornothing type thinking.
Well, these are.
It's really.
It's a cognitive distortivepattern.
It's an attempt to simplifycomplex situations into binary
categories.
I know that was a mouthful, butstay with me, we're going to
break this down.
This approach can not only cloudour judgments, but it can also
(01:08):
hinder our abilities to findbalance and solutions in our
life when we live in theseextreme thought processes.
We're going to talk about thatlater on today, but it can leave
us feeling trapped andfrustrated.
We can struggle to navigatelife in the gray zones because
it's only this or it's only that.
(01:29):
So, first off, what are some ofthe pain points we might endure
if we are finding ourselves inthese extreme thinking patterns.
Well, we can have difficultyexpressing emotions, we can
strain in relationships byplacing unrealistic expectations
on these relationships, ofcourse, ultimately breaking down
(01:50):
the relationships, leading toresentments, miscommunications.
And again, when we talk aboutrelationships, this could be
friendships, this could beromantic family systems.
As well as a pain point withinblack or white thinking patterns
can be the inability to makedecisions.
This could lead to a sense ofparalysis, feeling that
(02:12):
stuckness in making choices, orwe can make very rash choices,
very impulsive choices.
So black or white thinkingpattern, first off, is common,
so it can affect many people atvarious points in our lives.
Again, gentle, gentle, you'renot alone.
It often emerges during timesof stress.
What I found is that often Isee it, a lot is during these
(02:35):
times of stress or emotionalturmoil, and it's frequency can
seen in the individuals dealingwith anxiety, depression or
other symptoms of trauma.
We're going to talk about thatlater on as it relates to
adverse childhood experiences.
This type of thinking canmanifest in everyday situations
(02:55):
and can influence how peopleview relationships.
Again, make decisions, butultimately how we handle
conflicts, but ultimately how wehandle conflicts, while it
might not be the primarythinking for everybody.
Many individuals haveexperiences at some level,
particularly when faced withchallenges, circumstances or
(03:15):
when they try to cope withcomplex situations or complex
emotions.
So understanding its prevalence, so understanding its
prevalence can help understandit more effectively, and we're
going to talk about this throughself-awareness and therapeutic
modalities.
Now, black or white thinkingcan significantly hinder
awareness.
So let's take a deeperexploration of how this
(03:41):
all-or-nothing thinking canimpact an individual's life.
Well, one black or whitethinking could impact
relationships, again, romanticrelationships, friendships,
family systems.
Ultimately, it's going toaffect the relationship we have
ourself because, within therelationship, it creates a sense
of perfectionism.
(04:02):
Again, it has to be all this orthat, so this the individual
can expect their partner andplace unrealistic expectations
or standards on their partners.
Obviously, it's going to leadto disappointment because we're
perfectly imperfect.
We're not going to meet all ofthis all the time.
Especially, we're going to seeit more when these expectations
(04:24):
aren't met, which ultimatelyleads to resentments and to
further the conflict, ultimatelyleading to the demise of the
relationship.
It also can affectrelationships by putting them
into binary choices, viewing therelationships as either very
successful or failing.
This can prevent individualsfrom appreciating the complexity
(04:47):
that comes with lovingpartnerships.
Relationships are a flow.
It's not this, it's not that,it's and this, and that it is a
nice flow.
Relationships are very complex.
Again, remember, we are allcoming from our own stories of
life or we're bringing in ourpast experiences and we might
not see them.
And so there is a nice flow,but putting it into these binary
(05:09):
choices, into this black orwhite construct, struggles,
because we can't see thoseshades of gray, we can't sit in
that.
Another area is conflictescalation.
So this can create extremeperspectives.
So, amongst the conflict withinthe relationship, the thinker
(05:30):
can perceive their partner'sactions as being wholly negative
or dismissive and in that wecan ignore the nuances of their
intentions and ultimately thiscould escalate the dispute even
more, creating more hostileenvironments.
Black or white thinking can alsofind difficulty of forgiveness.
(05:50):
We can hold this all or nothingmindset can make it challenging
for forgiving mistakes.
Again, we all make mistakes,each one of us, especially in
partnerships.
We all make mistakes.
So viewing them from a totalfailure rather than opportunity
for growth, it becomes fixed.
It's a fixed mindset.
(06:11):
All or nothing can create thefear of vulnerability.
It can create emotional walls.
Individuals may avoidvulnerability for the feeling
that they're showing anyweakness for the fear of
rejection.
So again you can see wherethere could be some deep roots
in childhood developmentrejection, abandonment.
(06:33):
Well, ultimately this couldprevent genuine connection and
intimacy relationship.
If we all have walls builtaround us, then we cannot flow
because that fear again therigidity of black or white
thinking, creates a wall andthat will limit anybody from
(06:54):
coming in as well as limitingour own self from coming out.
This matter can createchallenges in decision making,
so it creates a paralysis and ifwe're part of this where
decision, when we face withchoices, we can struggle to make
decisions, feeling that wemight choose the wrong option.
(07:15):
If we are fearing that we canmake the wrong option, then we
can live in procrastination orcomplete avoidance at all costs.
You can live in procrastinationor complete avoidance at all
costs and talking about thesewith black or white thinking or
extreme thinking patterns.
I see this a lot within theworld of addiction patterns and
(07:35):
again, doesn't just live withinsubstances and alcohol.
There's many differentaddictive behavior processes.
We've talked about codependency, sex, love, money, workaholism,
shopping, gambling, food.
All of the many manifestationsof addiction can live in this
extreme thinking patterns.
(07:57):
Black or white can createoverthinking so individuals
might overanalyze the situation,focusing on worst case
scenarios, which can lead tooverwhelming thoughts and
getting more stuck into avicious loop.
It can create the inability toadapt, resistance to change.
Black or white thinking hindersflexibility.
(08:18):
Again, think about black orwhite thinking All or nothing.
There's no flexibility, there'sno fluidity there, making it
difficult to adapt to newinformation or changing
circumstances.
This rigidity can prevent useffectively from problem solving
, and we're going to talk alittle bit about that as it
(08:39):
relates to the idea of what'scalled predictability and how
black or white thinking allowsan individual to have a sense of
control and live inpredictability in their life.
Reducing the attempts is toreduce the anxiety.
If I have control and I canlive in predictability, then the
(09:01):
world can be safe.
We're going to look at thatlater as it relates to deep
roots in adverse childhoodexperiences, the wounded child
trauma, and so we're going totake a look at that.
Blackaway thinking coulddrastically affect personal
growth and self-awareness.
It's a lack of insight.
Individuals may struggle toreflect on their own behaviors
(09:23):
and feelings as they tend tolabel their experiences and
extremes, the limiting beliefand their ability to learn from
the mistakes and grow again.
It creates such a fixed mindset.
It is only this and it or it isonly that.
And what I've talked aboutbefore it's this and it's that
and within that space betweenthis and that there's shades of
(09:45):
gray.
It can have difficultyrecognizing our own patterns
Again, I just was talking aboutthat so we can have struggles
with recognizing our ownpatterns within the
relationships and makingdecisions preventing from the
emotional growth I talked aboutthat just a second ago.
But also it greatly affectsemotional regulation skills.
(10:06):
Black or white thinkings canlead to heightened emotional
responses, so reactivity, makingit challenging to respond to
situations with clarity and asense of calmness.
And obviously this can resultto more reactivity within
relationships again, romanticfriendships and family and
escalate more tension, moremiscommunication, more
(10:28):
relationship breakdowns.
So let's take a deep dive nowand let's take a step and look
at the origins of a lot of this.
The connections into childhoodtrauma.
A child who perceives the worldin absolutes may be due to the
inconsistency within the trauma.
The child learns to navigatelife by categorizing their
(10:49):
experiences into good or bad.
See, mom is either good orshe's bad.
Dad is either good or he's bad.
And this is due to theinconsistencies and we're going
to get into this modelingbehaviors within our primary
caregivers.
It's not supportive of thechild or the environment isn't
(11:10):
supportive of the child.
So the child really splits itinto this black or white
thinking where, when a child ismet with love, patience,
understanding, the child canlive in dad is bad and he's good
, mom is bad and she's good.
So it leaves that gray zone.
But again, the inconsistencies,the modeling, the environmental
(11:34):
factors, the child starts to putit into two categories, splits
it into bad or good.
So now the world is unsafe.
The world is either safe, sorry, or it's entirely threatening.
See the black or white.
It's either safe or it'sthreatening.
This leads to very rigid linesthat we just can't maintain
(11:55):
because life doesn't live withinthat.
So we take that into ourrelationships and the world into
our adulthood.
Another area that has beenlinked to how we can live within
these black or white patternsis the conditional ways that
love was shown, where our lovewas solely based on performance
(12:22):
grades how well you did insoccer and where love was
received only when you're doinggood, you receive the love.
When you're not getting the A's, when you're not making the
all-star team or whatever thatmight be, love is pulled away.
So this can a child willinternalize his belief.
(12:42):
You must be perfect or else youface rejection.
So the child either has to beperfect or they face rejection.
Welcome to today's episode of man Uncaved.
I am Shane.
We are going to explore blackor white thinking patterns, and
if you find yourself viewinglife through the lens of
extremes, where everything iseither perfect or it's a total
disaster, let me first say thatyou are not alone.
This mindset can createbarriers in our relationships
(00:21):
and can often lead to irrationaldecision-making.
Again, you're-making.
Again, you're not alone, gentle, gentle, on this path.
(00:42):
We're going to explore thattoday on man and Cape.
So what is black or whitethinking?
I know we've heard this beforeit's either black or white
thinking.
You might've heard all ornothing type thinking.
Well, these are.
It's really.
It's a cognitive distortivepattern.
It's an attempt to simplifycomplex situations into binary
categories.
I know that was a mouthful, butstay with me, we're going to
break this down.
This approach can not only cloudour judgments, but it can also
(01:08):
hinder our abilities to findbalance and solutions in our
life when we live in theseextreme thought processes.
We're going to talk about thatlater on today, but it can leave
us feeling trapped andfrustrated.
We can struggle to navigatelife in the gray zones because
it's only this or it's only that.
(01:29):
So, first off, what are some ofthe pain points we might endure
if we are finding ourselves inthese extreme thinking patterns.
Well, we can have difficultyexpressing emotions, we can
strain in relationships byplacing unrealistic expectations
on these relationships, ofcourse, ultimately breaking down
(01:50):
the relationships, leading toresentments, miscommunications.
And again, when we talk aboutrelationships, this could be
friendships, this could beromantic family systems.
As well as a pain point withinblack or white thinking patterns
can be the inability to makedecisions.
This could lead to a sense ofparalysis, feeling that
(02:12):
stuckness in making choices, orwe can make very rash choices,
very impulsive choices.
So black or white thinkingpattern, first off, is common,
so it can affect many people atvarious points in our lives.
Again, gentle, gentle, you'renot alone.
It often emerges during timesof stress.
What I found is that often Isee it, a lot is during these
(02:35):
times of stress or emotionalturmoil, and it's frequency can
seen in the individuals dealingwith anxiety, depression or
other symptoms of trauma.
We're going to talk about thatlater on as it relates to
adverse childhood experiences.
This type of thinking canmanifest in everyday situations
(02:55):
and can influence how peopleview relationships.
Again, make decisions, butultimately how we handle
conflicts, but ultimately how wehandle conflicts, while it
might not be the primarythinking for everybody.
Many individuals haveexperiences at some level,
particularly when faced withchallenges, circumstances or
(03:15):
when they try to cope withcomplex situations or complex
emotions.
So understanding its prevalence, so understanding its
prevalence can help understandit more effectively, and we're
going to talk about this throughself-awareness and therapeutic
modalities.
Now, black or white thinkingcan significantly hinder
awareness.
So let's take a deeperexploration of how this
(03:41):
all-or-nothing thinking canimpact an individual's life.
Well, one black or whitethinking could impact
relationships, again, romanticrelationships, friendships,
family systems.
Ultimately, it's going toaffect the relationship we have
ourself because, within therelationship, it creates a sense
of perfectionism.
(04:02):
Again, it has to be all this orthat, so this the individual
can expect their partner andplace unrealistic expectations
or standards on their partners.
Obviously, it's going to leadto disappointment because we're
perfectly imperfect.
We're not going to meet all ofthis all the time.
Especially, we're going to seeit more when these expectations
(04:24):
aren't met, which ultimatelyleads to resentments and to
further the conflict, ultimatelyleading to the demise of the
relationship.
It also can affectrelationships by putting them
into binary choices, viewing therelationships as either very
successful or failing.
This can prevent individualsfrom appreciating the complexity
(04:47):
that comes with lovingpartnerships.
Relationships are a flow.
It's not this, it's not that,it's and this, and that it is a
nice flow.
Relationships are very complex.
Again, remember, we are allcoming from our own stories of
life or we're bringing in ourpast experiences and we might
not see them.
And so there is a nice flow,but putting it into these binary
(05:09):
choices, into this black orwhite construct, struggles,
because we can't see thoseshades of gray, we can't sit in
that.
Another area is conflictescalation.
So this can create extremeperspectives.
So, amongst the conflict withinthe relationship, the thinker
(05:30):
can perceive their partner'sactions as being wholly negative
or dismissive and in that wecan ignore the nuances of their
intentions and ultimately thiscould escalate the dispute even
more, creating more hostileenvironments.
Black or white thinking can alsofind difficulty of forgiveness.
(05:50):
We can hold this all or nothingmindset can make it challenging
for forgiving mistakes.
Again, we all make mistakes,each one of us, especially in
partnerships.
We all make mistakes.
So viewing them from a totalfailure rather than opportunity
for growth, it becomes fixed.
It's a fixed mindset.
(06:11):
All or nothing can create thefear of vulnerability.
It can create emotional walls.
Individuals may avoidvulnerability for the feeling
that they're showing anyweakness for the fear of
rejection.
So again you can see wherethere could be some deep roots
in childhood developmentrejection, abandonment.
(06:33):
Well, ultimately this couldprevent genuine connection and
intimacy relationship.
If we all have walls builtaround us, then we cannot flow
because that fear again therigidity of black or white
thinking, creates a wall andthat will limit anybody from
(06:54):
coming in as well as limitingour own self from coming out.
This matter can createchallenges in decision making,
so it creates a paralysis and ifwe're part of this where
decision, when we face withchoices, we can struggle to make
decisions, feeling that wemight choose the wrong option.
(07:15):
If we are fearing that we canmake the wrong option, then we
can live in procrastination orcomplete avoidance at all costs.
You can live in procrastinationor complete avoidance at all
costs and talking about thesewith black or white thinking or
extreme thinking patterns.
I see this a lot within theworld of addiction patterns and
(07:35):
again, doesn't just live withinsubstances and alcohol.
There's many differentaddictive behavior processes.
We've talked about codependency, sex, love, money, workaholism,
shopping, gambling, food.
All of the many manifestationsof addiction can live in this
extreme thinking patterns.
(07:57):
Black or white can createoverthinking so individuals
might overanalyze the situation,focusing on worst case
scenarios, which can lead tooverwhelming thoughts and
getting more stuck into avicious loop.
It can create the inability toadapt, resistance to change.
Black or white thinking hindersflexibility.
(08:18):
Again, think about black orwhite thinking All or nothing.
There's no flexibility, there'sno fluidity there, making it
difficult to adapt to newinformation or changing
circumstances.
This rigidity can prevent useffectively from problem solving
, and we're going to talk alittle bit about that as it
(08:39):
relates to the idea of what'scalled predictability and how
black or white thinking allowsan individual to have a sense of
control and live inpredictability in their life.
Reducing the attempts is toreduce the anxiety.
If I have control and I canlive in predictability, then the
(09:01):
world can be safe.
We're going to look at thatlater as it relates to deep
roots in adverse childhoodexperiences, the wounded child
trauma, and so we're going totake a look at that.
Blackaway thinking coulddrastically affect personal
growth and self-awareness.
It's a lack of insight.
Individuals may struggle toreflect on their own behaviors
(09:23):
and feelings as they tend tolabel their experiences and
extremes, the limiting beliefand their ability to learn from
the mistakes and grow again.
It creates such a fixed mindset.
It is only this and it or it isonly that.
And what I've talked aboutbefore it's this and it's that
and within that space betweenthis and that there's shades of
(09:45):
gray.
It can have difficultyrecognizing our own patterns
Again, I just was talking aboutthat so we can have struggles
with recognizing our ownpatterns within the
relationships and makingdecisions preventing from the
emotional growth I talked aboutthat just a second ago.
But also it greatly affectsemotional regulation skills.
(10:06):
Black or white thinkings canlead to heightened emotional
responses, so reactivity, makingit challenging to respond to
situations with clarity and asense of calmness.
And obviously this can resultto more reactivity within
relationships again, romanticfriendships and family and
escalate more tension, moremiscommunication, more
(10:28):
relationship breakdowns.
So let's take a deep dive nowand let's take a step and look
at the origins of a lot of this.
The connections into childhoodtrauma.
A child who perceives the worldin absolutes may be due to the
inconsistency within the trauma.
The child learns to navigatelife by categorizing their
(10:49):
experiences into good or bad.
See, mom is either good orshe's bad.
Dad is either good or he's bad.
And this is due to theinconsistencies and we're going
to get into this modelingbehaviors within our primary
caregivers.
It's not supportive of thechild or the environment isn't
(11:10):
supportive of the child.
So the child really splits itinto this black or white
thinking where, when a child ismet with love, patience,
understanding, the child canlive in dad is bad and he's good
, mom is bad and she's good.
So it leaves that gray zone.
But again, the inconsistencies,the modeling, the environmental
(11:34):
factors, the child starts to putit into two categories, splits
it into bad or good.
So now the world is unsafe.
The world is either safe, sorry, or it's entirely threatening.
See the black or white.
It's either safe or it'sthreatening.
This leads to very rigid linesthat we just can't maintain
(11:55):
because life doesn't live withinthat.
So we take that into ourrelationships and the world into
our adulthood.
Another area that has beenlinked to how we can live within
these black or white patternsis the conditional ways that
love was shown, where our lovewas solely based on performance
(12:22):
grades how well you did insoccer and where love was
received only when you're doinggood, you receive the love.
When you're not getting the A's, when you're not making the
all-star team or whatever thatmight be, love is pulled away.
So this can a child willinternalize his belief.
(12:42):
You must be perfect or else youface rejection.
So the child either has to beperfect or they face rejection.
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