January 5, 2025 • 15 mins
This episode invites listeners to explore the narratives that shape their lives and the concept of radical honesty as a tool for liberation. Through storytelling, Shane emphasizes the importance of identifying and breaking free from limiting beliefs that hinder our true selves.
• Examining the psychological impact of storytelling
• Recognizing whose narrative we are living
• The effects of childhood stories and societal expectations
• Understanding the moral principles that dictate behavior
• The relationship between lying and mental health struggles
• Differentiating between social lies and self-betrayals
• Practical steps to embrace radical honesty
• Strategies for improving authenticity in communication
• Encouragement to explore Dr. Blanton's book for deeper insights
• Invitation to practice self-reflection and radical honesty
If you liked this episode, please share it. If you enjoyed this episode, please, please, please, write a review. It helps get the word out for other people to find it, and to find me.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
We're natural meaning makers.
We're constantly craftingnarratives about who we are,
where we've been and actuallywhere we're going.
In the stories we tellourselves about our abilities,
our relationships, our potentialhave the capacity and have the
power to either limit us or theycan set us free.
(00:23):
Limit us or they can set usfree.
Hey everybody, welcome back toMen Uncaved Again.
My name is Shane.
Tonight let's talk aboutstories.
Now, many of you have heard mebefore talk about the world is
made up of stories, so let'stalk about that and lead into
our subject tonight.
Let's talk about that and leadinto our subject tonight.
Stories, these ancientuniversal threads that have
(00:47):
woven humanity together forthousands of years.
Since the beginning of time,we've relied on stories to
explain our world, to sharewisdom and to create connection.
Whether around campfires oretched into cave walls or
written in sacred text, storieshave been our guide to
(01:09):
understand life, each other andeven ourselves.
Let's think about it for aminute.
Every major religion, fromChristianity, hinduism, islam,
buddhism and Judaism they areall built on stories.
These stories are of creation,of redemption.
(01:30):
They discuss struggles and hope.
These narratives aren't justteachings.
They're actually blueprints forhow to live, how to treat one
another and how to find meaningin our existence.
But here's the thing Storiesaren't just a cultural or
historical phenomenon.
(01:50):
They're deeply, deeplypsychological.
Neuroscience tells us that whenwe hear a story, our brains
fire and engage on a level farbeyond logic and language See.
Stories activate multipleregions of the brain.
They can spark emotions andmemories, and even mirror
(02:13):
neurons, which makes us feel asthough we're experiencing the
story ourselves.
So this is why stories resonateso deeply with us.
They don't just tell us facts,they make us feel them.
When we hear about a heroovercoming adversity, we're
(02:34):
inspired because we see a pieceof ourselves in that struggle.
When a story of love andconnection unfolds, it actually
touches our desire for belongingand understanding.
And so psychologists alsosuggest that storytelling is how
we make sense of our lives.
We're natural meaning makers.
(02:56):
We're constantly craftingnarratives about who we are,
where we've been and actuallywhere we're going.
In the stories we tellourselves about our abilities,
our relationships, our potentialhave the capacity and have the
power to either limit us or theycan set us free.
(03:18):
So here's a question Whosestory are you living?
From the moment we're born, weare surrounded by narratives.
Our family tells us stories ofhow we should be.
Society defines what successlooks like.
Our culture outlines the rightway to live.
(03:38):
These stories can providestructure, but they actually can
also become cages that limitwho we are and what we believe
we're actually capable of.
So let's take a moment, let'sthink back into childhood.
Maybe you were told you had tobe a good kid and that's
(03:59):
indirect, direct, maybe overt orcovert.
Maybe you had to be the smartone or the quiet one.
Now those labels can stick.
They can shape how we see ouractual selves for years, even
decades.
Or perhaps society told youthat your worth depends on your
achievements or appearance.
(04:20):
These stories can disconnect usfrom our true selves, making us
feel like strangers or evenorphans in our own lives.
Psychologically, this isactually a form of abandonment,
but that abandonment is not byothers.
It's actually us, by ourselves.
When we internalize theselimiting narratives, we lose
(04:43):
touch with our innate potential,our authentic desires and then
a unique path we're meant towalk.
But here's the good news Justas stories can actually bind us,
they can also set us free.
The first step in recognizingthe inherited narratives that no
(05:04):
longer serve us is to askyourself whose voice is this?
Whose expectation am I livingby?
In his book Radical Honesty, drBrad Blanton examines these
underlying narratives we'veadopted via family, culture,
religion, society.
He describes these stories asmoral principles Dr Blanton's
(05:29):
core ideas in his critique ofwhat he calls the moralist
lenses.
Now, according to him, mostpeople live their lives based on
rigid moral principles taughtto us from an early age.
These principles often dictatehow we should behave, what's
right or wrong and how we'reexpected to interact with the
(05:53):
world.
Now Blanton argues that theseprinciples, while intended to
create order, often becomeoppressive when we blur the
lines of family and socialconstructs with who we are.
This leaves us to be morewilling to seek appearance and
societal approval over our ownauthenticity.
(06:15):
According to Blanton, this iswhere we learn to lie.
When we feel the pressure toconform to moral expectations,
we're more likely to lie toavoid judgment or punishment.
Dr Blanton later links lying tomental health struggles like
stress, anxiety, depression, alack of happiness and anger, to
(06:39):
name a few.
In his books he states anger,to name a few.
In his books he states moralismand lying go hand in hand.
Being good or looking good,consciously valued, lead
directly to lying If you canfool a nun into believing you
are good, like they want you tobe, you could secretly do what
(07:00):
you want Now, now.
Now, if you're saying toyourself no, no, no, no, look, I
don't lie, you're actuallylying right now.
But don't worry, see, we're allliars, we can all tell little
to big lies some of the time.
So imagine that a situationwhere someone asks you for an
(07:21):
honest opinion about their work.
Where someone asks you for anhonest opinion about their work
If you think their work issubpar but feel obligated to say
it's great to avoid hurtingtheir feelings, you're lying.
Now, this is not out of malice,but out of an adherence to a
moral principle of kindness.
See, to be kind is how most ofus identify based on these moral
(07:43):
principles.
From our parents, our teachersand society, these principles or
conditionings become a rigidstandard, a role and rules we
must abide by.
Blanton later writes afterenough role-playing and idealism
, our whole way of orientingourselves in the world depends
(08:04):
on principles of orientationrather than the ability to
respond as needed based on whatwe perceive.
So then, why do we lie?
Well, dr Blanton's perspectiveis that lying often stems from
fear Fear of rejection, conflictor losing control.
But actually, but more deeply,it's tied to the way we've been
(08:26):
conditioned to live according tothese moralist rules and these
roles.
See, these rules make usbelieve that certain parts of
ourselves are unacceptable orunlovable, and this will lead us
to hide or distort the truth.
So before we continue, let mejust discuss.
(08:47):
In his book he talks aboutthere's two different types of
lies.
Blanton differentiates what iscalled the social lies, which is
a small, habitual lie we tellto fit in, and a self-betrayal
lie, where we deny our ownfeelings, desires or beliefs to
maintain a sense of moralrighteousness.
(09:08):
Now think about a time youagreed to do something you
didn't want to do, like attendan event out of obligation.
You may have said I love tocome, even though you were
dreading it.
This is a classic example of asocietal-driven lie by the fear
of appearing rude or selfish.
(09:29):
So we lie sometimes.
So what If they are small littlelies?
What harm can that cause, youask?
Well, lying might seem harmlessor even necessary at times, but
Dr Blanton argues that it comeswith significant consequences.
When we lie, we create a gapbetween who we are and how we
(09:51):
present ourself to the world.
Now this gap leads to stressand anxiety and a sense of
disconnection, both from othersand especially from ourselves,
and neuroscience also supportsthis idea.
There have been studies thatshow lying activates the brain's
stress response, increasingcortisol levels and putting us
(10:13):
in a state of heightened anxiety.
Now, over time, this can leadto chronic mental health issues
like depression and lowself-esteem.
Now, as I mentioned many timesbefore, I started my healing
journey, overcoming a drugaddiction.
So I went into treatment centerafter treatment center seeking
help and as part of the programof the rehab we had to attend AA
(10:38):
meetings.
Within the 12 steps of AA,interwoven therapy, is this
underlying teaching of rigoroushonesty.
So we also hear this echoed inthe sacred text when Jesus says
the truth will set you free.
Dr Blanton shares the story ofa client who felt constantly
(11:01):
exhausted and disconnected intheir marriage.
Through radical honesty, theyrealized they had been lying
about their true feelings andneeds for years.
But by practicing radicalhonesty they not only improved
their relationship but alsoregained a sense of vitality and
self-respect.
(11:21):
Okay, all right.
If you made it this far duringthe episode, I guess you're
probably wondering well, sayShane, how do we break free from
this moralist lens and thehabit of lying?
Well, we don't.
We're all doomed everybody.
So good luck out there and goodnight.
But seriously, before I get tothat million dollar question, I
must remind us that breakingfree from patterns is a practice
(11:46):
and, just like learning aninstrument or sports or going to
the gym, it can be frustratingand it won't always be perfect.
Even if you have beenpracticing for years, you will
still not get it perfect everytime.
So I remind everybody gentle,gentle with self as you are
growing.
Now Dr Blanton talks about inhis book about radical honesty
(12:09):
approaches.
He offers some types ofguidelines and principles.
One he talks about tell thetruth in real time.
Share your thoughts andfeelings as they occur, rather
than editing or suppressing themto fit moral expectations.
Two stop managing others'reactions.
(12:30):
Blanton emphasizes that honestyisn't about controlling how
others perceive you.
It's about being true toyourself, even if it's
uncomfortable.
And three owning your mistakes.
Radical honesty doesn't meanyou'll never mess up.
It means acknowledging yourerrors openly and using them as
(12:52):
opportunities to grow.
Now that in itself we talk aboutthat when program and just
transformation itself, that isfor me, accountability.
Clearing your side of thestreet, clearing what your
errors are, your shortcomingsare, your misacting out, owning
that rigorous honesty, cleaningyour side of the street.
(13:14):
Now you can start practicingradical honesty in actually
small ways.
Here's an example If you'refeeling tired and someone
invites you out, try saying I'mfeeling drained and I need rest
tonight, instead of inventingany other excuses of why you
can't go.
Just I am feeling tired and Ineed to rest.
(13:35):
We embrace radical honesty.
We can free ourselves from thismental and emotional burdens of
lying.
According to Blanton, thispractice not only improves our
relationships, but also itactually enhances our well-being
, reducing stress and fosteringdeeper connections with
friendships and partnership.
(13:56):
If you're curious aboutexploring this practice, try
starting with one conversationwhere you commit to being
completely honest.
Now notice how it feels andwhat are the shifts in the
dynamic.
Notice how it feels in yourbody.
Notice your breathing rhythm.
Notice the dynamics in thedialogue.
What is shifting in there?
(14:16):
Do you feel there's more safety?
Do you feel there's more trustbuilding there?
These are some practicing tools.
If you are interested inlearning more, I do highly
suggest getting Dr Blanton'sbook Again.
It's called Radical Honesty.
It's a great book.
He goes into more depth aboutwhat I talked.
This was just a quick snapshotfor the episode to kind of get
(14:37):
you excited about this.
If you like this episode,please share it.
It helps people maybe find thetools that they need to get into
their honesty.
And if you enjoyed this episode, please, please, please, write
a review.
It helps get the word out forother people to find it, to find
me to get whatever healing theyneed.
(14:58):
Again, my name is Shane Coyle.
This is man Uncaved.
We need to come out of hiding.
We're natural meaning makers.
We're constantly craftingnarratives about who we are,
where we've been and actuallywhere we're going.
In the stories we tellourselves about our abilities,
our relationships, our potentialhave the capacity and have the
power to either limit us or theycan set us free.
(00:23):
Limit us or they can set usfree.
Hey everybody, welcome back toMen Uncaved Again.
My name is Shane.
Tonight let's talk aboutstories.
Now, many of you have heard mebefore talk about the world is
made up of stories, so let'stalk about that and lead into
our subject tonight.
Let's talk about that and leadinto our subject tonight.
Stories, these ancientuniversal threads that have
(00:47):
woven humanity together forthousands of years.
Since the beginning of time,we've relied on stories to
explain our world, to sharewisdom and to create connection.
Whether around campfires oretched into cave walls or
written in sacred text, storieshave been our guide to
(01:09):
understand life, each other andeven ourselves.
Let's think about it for aminute.
Every major religion, fromChristianity, hinduism, islam,
buddhism and Judaism they areall built on stories.
These stories are of creation,of redemption.
(01:30):
They discuss struggles and hope.
These narratives aren't justteachings.
They're actually blueprints forhow to live, how to treat one
another and how to find meaningin our existence.
But here's the thing Storiesaren't just a cultural or
historical phenomenon.
(01:50):
They're deeply, deeplypsychological.
Neuroscience tells us that whenwe hear a story, our brains
fire and engage on a level farbeyond logic and language See.
Stories activate multipleregions of the brain.
They can spark emotions andmemories, and even mirror
(02:13):
neurons, which makes us feel asthough we're experiencing the
story ourselves.
So this is why stories resonateso deeply with us.
They don't just tell us facts,they make us feel them.
When we hear about a heroovercoming adversity, we're
(02:34):
inspired because we see a pieceof ourselves in that struggle.
When a story of love andconnection unfolds, it actually
touches our desire for belongingand understanding.
And so psychologists alsosuggest that storytelling is how
we make sense of our lives.
We're natural meaning makers.
(02:56):
We're constantly craftingnarratives about who we are,
where we've been and actuallywhere we're going.
In the stories we tellourselves about our abilities,
our relationships, our potentialhave the capacity and have the
power to either limit us or theycan set us free.
(03:18):
So here's a question Whosestory are you living?
From the moment we're born, weare surrounded by narratives.
Our family tells us stories ofhow we should be.
Society defines what successlooks like.
Our culture outlines the rightway to live.
(03:38):
These stories can providestructure, but they actually can
also become cages that limitwho we are and what we believe
we're actually capable of.
So let's take a moment, let'sthink back into childhood.
Maybe you were told you had tobe a good kid and that's
(03:59):
indirect, direct, maybe overt orcovert.
Maybe you had to be the smartone or the quiet one.
Now those labels can stick.
They can shape how we see ouractual selves for years, even
decades.
Or perhaps society told youthat your worth depends on your
achievements or appearance.
(04:20):
These stories can disconnect usfrom our true selves, making us
feel like strangers or evenorphans in our own lives.
Psychologically, this isactually a form of abandonment,
but that abandonment is not byothers.
It's actually us, by ourselves.
When we internalize theselimiting narratives, we lose
(04:43):
touch with our innate potential,our authentic desires and then
a unique path we're meant towalk.
But here's the good news Justas stories can actually bind us,
they can also set us free.
The first step in recognizingthe inherited narratives that no
(05:04):
longer serve us is to askyourself whose voice is this?
Whose expectation am I livingby?
In his book Radical Honesty, drBrad Blanton examines these
underlying narratives we'veadopted via family, culture,
religion, society.
He describes these stories asmoral principles Dr Blanton's
(05:29):
core ideas in his critique ofwhat he calls the moralist
lenses.
Now, according to him, mostpeople live their lives based on
rigid moral principles taughtto us from an early age.
These principles often dictatehow we should behave, what's
right or wrong and how we'reexpected to interact with the
(05:53):
world.
Now Blanton argues that theseprinciples, while intended to
create order, often becomeoppressive when we blur the
lines of family and socialconstructs with who we are.
This leaves us to be morewilling to seek appearance and
societal approval over our ownauthenticity.
(06:15):
According to Blanton, this iswhere we learn to lie.
When we feel the pressure toconform to moral expectations,
we're more likely to lie toavoid judgment or punishment.
Dr Blanton later links lying tomental health struggles like
stress, anxiety, depression, alack of happiness and anger, to
(06:39):
name a few.
In his books he states anger,to name a few.
In his books he states moralismand lying go hand in hand.
Being good or looking good,consciously valued, lead
directly to lying If you canfool a nun into believing you
are good, like they want you tobe, you could secretly do what
(07:00):
you want Now, now.
Now, if you're saying toyourself no, no, no, no, look, I
don't lie, you're actuallylying right now.
But don't worry, see, we're allliars, we can all tell little
to big lies some of the time.
So imagine that a situationwhere someone asks you for an
(07:21):
honest opinion about their work.
Where someone asks you for anhonest opinion about their work
If you think their work issubpar but feel obligated to say
it's great to avoid hurtingtheir feelings, you're lying.
Now, this is not out of malice,but out of an adherence to a
moral principle of kindness.
See, to be kind is how most ofus identify based on these moral
(07:43):
principles.
From our parents, our teachersand society, these principles or
conditionings become a rigidstandard, a role and rules we
must abide by.
Blanton later writes afterenough role-playing and idealism
, our whole way of orientingourselves in the world depends
(08:04):
on principles of orientationrather than the ability to
respond as needed based on whatwe perceive.
So then, why do we lie?
Well, dr Blanton's perspectiveis that lying often stems from
fear Fear of rejection, conflictor losing control.
But actually, but more deeply,it's tied to the way we've been
(08:26):
conditioned to live according tothese moralist rules and these
roles.
See, these rules make usbelieve that certain parts of
ourselves are unacceptable orunlovable, and this will lead us
to hide or distort the truth.
So before we continue, let mejust discuss.
(08:47):
In his book he talks aboutthere's two different types of
lies.
Blanton differentiates what iscalled the social lies, which is
a small, habitual lie we tellto fit in, and a self-betrayal
lie, where we deny our ownfeelings, desires or beliefs to
maintain a sense of moralrighteousness.
(09:08):
Now think about a time youagreed to do something you
didn't want to do, like attendan event out of obligation.
You may have said I love tocome, even though you were
dreading it.
This is a classic example of asocietal-driven lie by the fear
of appearing rude or selfish.
(09:29):
So we lie sometimes.
So what If they are small littlelies?
What harm can that cause, youask?
Well, lying might seem harmlessor even necessary at times, but
Dr Blanton argues that it comeswith significant consequences.
When we lie, we create a gapbetween who we are and how we
(09:51):
present ourself to the world.
Now this gap leads to stressand anxiety and a sense of
disconnection, both from othersand especially from ourselves,
and neuroscience also supportsthis idea.
There have been studies thatshow lying activates the brain's
stress response, increasingcortisol levels and putting us
(10:13):
in a state of heightened anxiety.
Now, over time, this can leadto chronic mental health issues
like depression and lowself-esteem.
Now, as I mentioned many timesbefore, I started my healing
journey, overcoming a drugaddiction.
So I went into treatment centerafter treatment center seeking
help and as part of the programof the rehab we had to attend AA
(10:38):
meetings.
Within the 12 steps of AA,interwoven therapy, is this
underlying teaching of rigoroushonesty.
So we also hear this echoed inthe sacred text when Jesus says
the truth will set you free.
Dr Blanton shares the story ofa client who felt constantly
(11:01):
exhausted and disconnected intheir marriage.
Through radical honesty, theyrealized they had been lying
about their true feelings andneeds for years.
But by practicing radicalhonesty they not only improved
their relationship but alsoregained a sense of vitality and
self-respect.
(11:21):
Okay, all right.
If you made it this far duringthe episode, I guess you're
probably wondering well, sayShane, how do we break free from
this moralist lens and thehabit of lying?
Well, we don't.
We're all doomed everybody.
So good luck out there and goodnight.
But seriously, before I get tothat million dollar question, I
must remind us that breakingfree from patterns is a practice
(11:46):
and, just like learning aninstrument or sports or going to
the gym, it can be frustratingand it won't always be perfect.
Even if you have beenpracticing for years, you will
still not get it perfect everytime.
So I remind everybody gentle,gentle with self as you are
growing.
Now Dr Blanton talks about inhis book about radical honesty
(12:09):
approaches.
He offers some types ofguidelines and principles.
One he talks about tell thetruth in real time.
Share your thoughts andfeelings as they occur, rather
than editing or suppressing themto fit moral expectations.
Two stop managing others'reactions.
(12:30):
Blanton emphasizes that honestyisn't about controlling how
others perceive you.
It's about being true toyourself, even if it's
uncomfortable.
And three owning your mistakes.
Radical honesty doesn't meanyou'll never mess up.
It means acknowledging yourerrors openly and using them as
(12:52):
opportunities to grow.
Now that in itself we talk aboutthat when program and just
transformation itself, that isfor me, accountability.
Clearing your side of thestreet, clearing what your
errors are, your shortcomingsare, your misacting out, owning
that rigorous honesty, cleaningyour side of the street.
(13:14):
Now you can start practicingradical honesty in actually
small ways.
Here's an example If you'refeeling tired and someone
invites you out, try saying I'mfeeling drained and I need rest
tonight, instead of inventingany other excuses of why you
can't go.
Just I am feeling tired and Ineed to rest.
(13:35):
We embrace radical honesty.
We can free ourselves from thismental and emotional burdens of
lying.
According to Blanton, thispractice not only improves our
relationships, but also itactually enhances our well-being
, reducing stress and fosteringdeeper connections with
friendships and partnership.
(13:56):
If you're curious aboutexploring this practice, try
starting with one conversationwhere you commit to being
completely honest.
Now notice how it feels andwhat are the shifts in the
dynamic.
Notice how it feels in yourbody.
Notice your breathing rhythm.
Notice the dynamics in thedialogue.
What is shifting in there?
(14:16):
Do you feel there's more safety?
Do you feel there's more trustbuilding there?
These are some practicing tools.
If you are interested inlearning more, I do highly
suggest getting Dr Blanton'sbook Again.
It's called Radical Honesty.
It's a great book.
He goes into more depth aboutwhat I talked.
This was just a quick snapshotfor the episode to kind of get
(14:37):
you excited about this.
If you like this episode,please share it.
It helps people maybe find thetools that they need to get into
their honesty.
And if you enjoyed this episode, please, please, please, write
a review.
It helps get the word out forother people to find it, to find
me to get whatever healing theyneed.
(14:58):
Again, my name is Shane Coyle.
This is man Uncaved.
We need to come out of hiding.
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