Men Break Down Dating, Daddy Issues, and Double Standards

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Three experienced men candidly answer relationship questions from women under 30, offering wisdom that challenges common misconceptions and provides practical guidance for navigating modern dating.

• Double standards in relationships can be both healthy and harmful depending on context and intention
• Feminism and relationships can coexist when there's mutual respect and understanding of complementary roles
• Trust your instincts with red flags—they're things that cannot be changed, unlike yellow flags which can be worked through
• Daddy issues significantly impact dating patterns by creating either unrealistically high standards or dangerously low ones
• Dating as a single parent requires self-awareness and finding someone who values both you and your children
• Focus on becoming the type of person who would attract your ideal partner instead of just searching for them
• Modern dating lacks depth—meaningful conversations reveal more than text messages ever could
• No one owes you closure after a breakup; finding peace is your personal responsibility
• DNA tests should be standard for unmarried couples to prevent future complications
• Staying together "for the kids" often causes more damage than creating two peaceful homes

Share this episode with someone who's struggling with dating or relationship questions. The wisdom here might be exactly what they need to hear.

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Episode Transcript

SPEAKER_02 (00:00):
What's going on, family?
Listen, set your calendars fornext week.
Next Monday, we're going to havethis crazy good episode where we
talk to Gen Zers, my son, mydaughter, and my nephew all in
their twenties, who arebasically struggling through
this thing called life andsurviving it best they can.

(00:22):
It's a really good episodebecause I know so many people
who can relate.
Um, either you're that age oryou have children that age.
So it's gonna be really, reallygood.
But today we have a repeatepisode.
So many people have asked me ifI can replay this one.
I'm just getting nobody asked.
But you're getting it anyway,because it was a really good

(00:43):
episode, it was really popularwhere we're answering questions
from women under 30.
Y'all be messing up, honestly.
So you need help.
And Unk's here to help y'allout.
So check it out.
Share it with someone that thiswould help as well.
Thanks for tuning in.
Enjoy the episode.
Let's go to the extreme to theextreme example, right?
Let's say you have two verycivilized people who decide to

(01:05):
stay together for the kids andthey are not fighting.
Are the kids blind to the factthat there is no love between
you two?
You know what I mean?
Is that good for them?
Yeah, it's harder for you toleave than for it than it is on
the kids, I'll put it that way.
Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 (01:18):
What you're trying to fix is probably gonna be
damaged the most.

SPEAKER_02 (01:21):
Yeah, and when by the time you realize that,
you're gonna be so pissed thatyou spent another five, ten
years, fifteen years insomething that inevitably was
going to break.

SPEAKER_01 (01:31):
And possibly missed your opportunity to be with the
person that you were meant to bewith.
Correct.

SPEAKER_00 (01:35):
Yeah, leave and create in two beautiful spaces.

SPEAKER_02 (01:39):
I'm not gonna lie, I'm really excited about today's
episode where we answerquestions from young women.
This is the third of athree-part series.
I've got my boys here with me.
We're ready to roll.
Now, if this is your first timechecking us out, please hit the
follow button so you can benotified every time we release

(02:00):
an episode.
Welcome to Manhood Matters.
Let's get right to it.

SPEAKER_01 (02:16):
Let's speak a voice from the distant past.

SPEAKER_02 (02:19):
Oh man, this is this was good.
So we are back.
We are in the living room.
We're here with Leon Cohen,Delva Michel, and Justin
Bradford.
Um, we're gonna speak to youguys and answer some questions.
These women just sent in theirquestions, and we're going to
answer with as much wisdom,experience, and grace as well.

SPEAKER_01 (02:40):
By the way, ladies, thank you.
Yeah, for real, for real.
Hopefully, we're providing thenecessary insight you need to
get what you want out of it.

SPEAKER_02 (02:47):
Thank you for reaching out.
Thank you for just being openand vulnerable and wanting to
learn and wanting to be better.
So, with all that said, I'mgonna pass it back to Justin.

SPEAKER_04 (02:58):
So the question is do you think double standards
are a good or bad thing?
Hypocrisy.
I would definitely say it's abad thing.

SPEAKER_02 (03:07):
Well, it all depends.
To me, it depends on what it isthat is a double standard.
So, for instance, my son is 19,he's six feet tall, he's got two
of his buddies, and they aregoing to the corner store at 11
o'clock at night.
I'm not as worried.
My daughter wants to do theexact same thing.
She's five, one and a quarter.

(03:28):
It's different for me.
When people say there's a doublestandard, I think the person
they're referring to is anythingyou can do, I can do it as well.
That's true intellectually, butas far as something that's to me
is common sense, we're talkingsafety and someone who's
physically able to handlethemselves versus someone who's
not, I would look at that alittle bit different.
So I think it'll all depends onwhat it is that we're talking

(03:48):
about.

SPEAKER_04 (03:49):
Yeah, I think it's circumstantial as far as if it's
good or if it's bad.
Because the example you useperfect.
It's bad.
Would not make sense to say,well, they can go, why can't I
go?
But then also there's gonna belike the point of your girl
saying, Well, you know, you cango out and have your cigar night
with your guys and go to thecigar lounge.
Why can't I go out to the cluband party with my girls?
And you're like two differentthings, but in her mind, she's

(04:11):
gonna categorize it at the sameand say, Well, now you're being
a hypocrite or now you're beingunfair and you're doing one
thing but won't allow me to dothe same thing, when in reality,
we know intentions are muchdifferent for that circumstance.
So I think it's circumstantial,but I think for the most part, I
mean they're a bad thing to sayeverything you can do, I can do.

SPEAKER_01 (04:28):
Yeah.
What were you gonna say, Leon?
I 100% agree in doublestandards.
So I gave you the the the Biblepremise where we weren't born
equally.

SPEAKER_00 (04:38):
You said the E-word.
Yeah, we weren't, yeah, weweren't.

SPEAKER_02 (04:42):
There are a couple of E-words.
I want to touch on another onein a minute, but go ahead.

SPEAKER_01 (04:45):
Yeah, yeah.
We were we weren't born to beequal.
So there are parameters, thereare provisions in life where
where double standards exist.
I mean, and and the more we tryto equate equality, the further
we get apart in our purposes andgetting on roles and get being
able to get along.
Because as long as two peoplefeel like there's an equal

(05:08):
balance to the relationship,then there's no need for the
other because who's in charge?
On on teams and business, twoalpha males don't make alpha
male, alpha woman have a hardtime coexisting.
Someone has to be able tosuppress or, as we said, submit
to the other.
So I'll give you to Obama as theexample.

(05:30):
Michelle is just as uh dominantin that relationship, it seems,
from the outside as Pepper Rockis.
But what happens is she knowswhen to submit, and so does he.
And that's where the equalitycomes from.
So one is not equal to theother, if that makes sense.

SPEAKER_04 (05:44):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 (05:45):
She's a wife, she submits when she's supposed to
submit, he submits when he'ssupposed to submit, and that's
where the balance comes in.
What happens in that I see wherethe problem comes in, there's
one person that always wants towin.

SPEAKER_04 (05:55):
But there's also healthy double standards.
It's like if she's pulling youcloser to God, she's like, I go
to church at 9 a.m., why can'tyou go to so like it's a
circumstantial thing, is whatI've kicked this thing off with.
It's like there's so many.
I go to the gym, why can't yougo to the gym?
Well, because that's thebetterment of us.
But yet again, if you're like,oh, well, you can have female
friends, why can't I have malefriends?
Correct.
Well, now it could be like,well, my only female friends are

(06:17):
on the workplace.
Your male friends are from likepast relationships.
Yeah.
And they were like, they werelike the fraternity to your
sorority, like all thosedifferent things, because these
are younger girls.
It's like, is it gonna build youup or break you down if that
double standard is applied?
Because you're gonna build upyour family unit and keep them
safe if you tell your daughter,don't go to the corner store.
But now if you say the opposite,yeah, let's have the double

(06:38):
standard, you can go to thecorner store because he goes to
the well, now all of a suddenthere's kidnappings, there's
crazy things that happen.
Right.
Bingo.
So now it's you're breaking yourfamily apart because you're
jeopardizing the safety of oneanother because of your double
standard.
So healthy and harmful at thesame time just depends on the
circumstance.
All right.
Next question.
Can I be uh you already knowit's gonna be good?

(07:03):
He said F and started laughing.
All right.
Can I be a feminist?
There you go.
Here we go, still have asuccessful relationship with a
man, or do I have to pick one?
Can you pick one or pick none?
That's my answer.

SPEAKER_02 (07:16):
I I'm glad she actually said with a man, right?
Because it all depends on whatyou're looking for.
Because if you want to be theman and in that sense, then
yeah, it's gonna be tough tohave a relationship with a real
man in the sense that weunderstand what a real man is.
If by being a feminist you meanequal pay for equal work, I
agree with you.
You could be empowered, you canhave all of that and yet bask in

(07:38):
your feminine energy.

SPEAKER_00 (07:39):
I have a question.
Is there a blur line betweenfeminism and modern woman?

SPEAKER_04 (07:45):
Yes.
Modern woman is just a woman atthis time.
Feminists can be even back inthe day, because feminism to me
means fighting for equality andsome.
Like people can say, oh, modernwomen are horrible.
Well, some women are good.
Like you're just saying itdoesn't have to be, right?
Yeah, you're you're categorizingthe women of this time period
that are in the dating pool asopposed to a feminist, could
have existed in 1930, but shejust wasn't the dominant group,

(08:07):
so nobody paid her as much mindas nowadays with social media.
If you're a feminist, you gosuper viral, now you have this
big following, and now you'repushed out even more.
Where were you going with it?

SPEAKER_00 (08:17):
Um, I would say you have to pick one because
although being a feminist isjust by bare definition, is just
fighting for women's right.
But fighting for that rightsometimes is blurred with
equality, right?
So I'll give you a quickexample, right?
I used to work at UPS as aloader.
Physical job.

SPEAKER_02 (08:37):
Me too.
I did it for like three months.
I was suspended three times.

SPEAKER_01 (08:40):
So you guys know what I'm talking about.
Yeah, yeah.
We all we all three digits.

SPEAKER_00 (08:45):
Okay, so we get paid $21 an hour, just like everybody
else, across the board.
Women, men, it doesn't matter.
And I get called by mysupervisor after loading three
trucks to go help uh a ladywhose package is a little bit
too heavy.
I'm like, no, I'm not doing it.
You we want to be equal.
This is equality.
You fought for that.
Own it.
It's not that I didn't want tohelp the lady, but I'm not

(09:07):
getting paid anymore.
I'm already tired.
Not, oh no, they're too heavyfor her.

SPEAKER_02 (09:11):
Um that's a job that she actually got, which means
she's qualified to do it.
Absolutely.
Right.

SPEAKER_00 (09:16):
And then she was like, You don't want to help a
woman?
No, it's not that.
It's because on the application,they asked you, can you lift 65
pounds or less?
Anything over 65, you need apartner.
But if it's under 65, we'regood.
And you said yes, you get paidexactly the same amount of
money.
Let's let's equality beequality.
Or just tell me we're not equaland then we're good.

SPEAKER_02 (09:38):
Absolutely.
There's nothing that I want, youknow.
I've got daughters, right?
You know, there's nothing that Ithat I don't want for my girls.
There's no barrier that shouldbe close to them because they
are a woman.
That just shouldn't be the case.
Absolutely.
But there are certain physicalattributes, no different than a
man decides to become a woman.
Now he goes and he starts boxingin a UFC and beating women.

(10:00):
There's a reason he'sdominating.
We have physical attributes,we're stronger, we're faster.
For the most part, I'm beingvery generic here.
That's kind of where our vantagestops.
We accept that role.
I don't particularly want to bethe one who runs towards danger,
but that's my job.
That's my responsibility.
If I'm protecting my family,that's what I do.
I don't sit there and debatewith my wife.

(10:22):
I don't think about that for onesecond.
It's my job to do that.
You're kidding.
Exactly.

SPEAKER_01 (10:28):
Exactly.

SPEAKER_02 (10:28):
You let him do that to us?

unknown (10:30):
Exactly.

SPEAKER_02 (10:30):
I'm over here.
Like I for the last two.
But you know, but you know, thethe reality is if you understand
that equal pay for equal work,et cetera, absolutely, and a
real man who loves and supportsyou is going to agree.
There's no dispute there.

SPEAKER_04 (10:45):
This one says, How do I determine whether or not
it's a red flag or somethingnegative that we can work
through?

SPEAKER_01 (10:52):
Well, I am a believer in my instincts, right?
And what I mean by that is ifsomething sounds like a deal
breaker for me or is off that Ineed some further explanation
for, my instincts usually don'tsteer me wrong.
And I think where people usuallyget into trouble is where they
don't listen to their instincts.

(11:12):
So or it's a red flag for youbecause instinctually you heard
something or felt something thatraised something or a concern
within you, but you chose toignore it.
And then when it happens, thenyou're like, oh damn, I knew.

SPEAKER_02 (11:24):
They have this amazing gift, intuition.
I think theirs is even more intune than ours for the most
part.
I agree.
And if you choose to not listento that voice within that's on
you, the biggest problem issometimes when they choose to
ignore it, it's simply becausethey think they can change
somebody.

SPEAKER_01 (11:38):
So it goes back to the state to that old saying
where it says women marry a manexpecting them a change, and a
man marries a woman hoping theydon't.

SPEAKER_04 (11:46):
Yes.

SPEAKER_01 (11:46):
That's so good.
That's so good.

SPEAKER_04 (11:48):
That is so good.

SPEAKER_02 (11:50):
Yeah.
Thinking back to the questionand the way it was formulated.
I I think you have to firstdetermine what your standards
are.
Then when you see something thatgoes against those core values
and those principles, it's a redflag for a reason.
Don't think you're gonna workthrough it.
Now you might want to give themone opportunity to explain it
because maybe you misinterpretedsomething.

(12:10):
So then you have thatdiscussion.
If the red flag persists andthey just tell you, no, that's
just the way I am, or they'renot telling you, but they're
showing you.
So let's give an example.
I got some good ones.

SPEAKER_01 (12:20):
Dude hits you and smacks you around and he's like,
baby, I'll never do it again.
Probably a red flag that youneed to pay attention to.
Most definitely done over.
He's probably going to knockyour head off the next time, but
probably worse because youaccepted that.
The fact that you even stayedmeans that he's allowed to do it
again.

SPEAKER_03 (12:36):
Correct.

SPEAKER_01 (12:36):
Red flag as in, oh, he left the toilet seat up and
that's now how I subscribe and Iasked him not to do that.
Well, you might can probablythat's a workaround.

SPEAKER_04 (12:44):
That's a yellow flag.

SPEAKER_01 (12:44):
That's a yellow flag.
Yeah.
Right?
You know, I say I trust yourinstincts, but also use some
some discernment.
I'm not going to even say commonsense because common sense ain't
common.
Just use some discernment inwhat's a red flag for you and a
deal breaker.

SPEAKER_04 (12:58):
To determine, I I kind of took this question as
how would I answer it myself,rather than just like seeing it
from her side.
I said, a red flag is somethingyou can't change.
Cannot.
Yes.
Factual.
A yellow flag is something youcan change.
She's value for her past.
I'm going to question her moreon her past that she's probably
going to interrogate me on myfuture and a lot of my future
things can change.
So if she saw a yellow flag,which is a negative, which we

(13:21):
can probably work through, shesaid, What are your career
goals?
XYZ.
Ah, that's not good enough, butI know I can push him to be a
better man.
That's something you can workthrough.
But if she says, What are yourfuture goals?
Well, I've been arrested 14times, beat my last girl.
You can't get through that.
You're a career crime.
The red flags are factual.
Negatives are something that canbe changed or altered with help

(13:41):
and application.

SPEAKER_00 (13:42):
I was gonna say, usually red flags you set
yourself, right?
For yourself.

SPEAKER_02 (13:47):
Correct.

SPEAKER_00 (13:47):
So what would you try to work through it?

SPEAKER_02 (13:49):
That's the one right there, brother.
Because what's a red flag forone woman?
It's not for another woman.
So if you determine what a redflag is, why are you working
through it?

SPEAKER_00 (13:55):
Why are you working through it?
Right.

SPEAKER_02 (13:56):
Next question.
Cool.
We said all that shit just forDelpha to come in and summarize
it in six words.
One liner.
Other than that, we wouldn'teven have to do it.

SPEAKER_01 (14:06):
We're gonna move on a long time.

SPEAKER_00 (14:09):
I was trying to find what to say because I'm because
he it was playing in my head.
I'm like, what's a red flag?
This used to be.

SPEAKER_02 (14:14):
That's what we talk about, right?
We talk about when you're in it,you don't see it.
What's obvious to you is notgonna be obvious to another.

SPEAKER_01 (14:20):
Because the same women maybe like, girl, I
wouldn't stay is the same one toget their ass whooped and stay
for multiple times and even wantto tell somebody else when to
leave.

SPEAKER_04 (14:28):
Next question is Is it a waste of time to date a man
that's never been in a committedrelationship?
Basically, am I insane forthinking I'd be his first
successful one?
I'd love to answer this.
You can answer it.
Please go ahead.
Because that's me.
That's you.

SPEAKER_02 (14:44):
Yeah, exactly.
You've never exactly.
Is it always a time for a womanto date you, Justin?

SPEAKER_04 (14:48):
I would hope not.
Exactly.
Because the thing is, no, no,now I will say this to the
contrary, I'm playing thedevil's advocate.
Why has he never been in acommitted relationship?
Correct.
Where was his interest?
Where was his time beingallocated?
And if you can actually see thatand discern the truth behind his
answer, then you'll know.
Because if he's like, oh, well,you know, I was I was playing

(15:09):
football, football players gottime and opportunity and
attention.
So what was he doing when hewasn't playing ball?
Because if he wasn't the top inhis class, or if he wasn't the
four-star, three-star, five-starrecruit, what was he doing?
But the thing is, like when youcan talk to a person and get to
know them, and as you talkedabout intuition as a female's, I
mean, supernatural gift, youknow if that's a good man or a

(15:30):
bad man because it's binary.
You can't say, oh, well, I mean,sometimes he's masculine,
sometimes he's not.
Like Monday through Friday, he'sgood, but on the weekends he
wears a dress.
What?
You know?
It would be crazy.
So there's no, there's noflip-flopping, there's no gray
area of that.
He's a good man, he's a bad man,he's either gonna give you a
good relationship or he's not.
So don't try to like create somenew standard of, well, maybe I'm

(15:53):
gonna be the one if everythingin his past has been temporary
for his fault.

SPEAKER_01 (15:58):
Yeah, for his fault.
So going to your your train ofthought, the answer to that
question is you'll never knowwhen you're going to be the one
if you never take the shot.

SPEAKER_04 (16:08):
In a sense, but also before you even take the shot,
know the game, study the plays,see who this character is.
Because it's like if you go intoa game blind and you don't know
they run a 2-2-1 press andyou're expecting a triangle,
you're like, uh-oh, new game.
So like see his past, see why hewasn't.
And if the reason makes sense,and it was very um logical
reason as to why he wasn't in aprevious committed relationship,

(16:30):
way different.
Or if he said, you know, everygirl I talk to, I bring him home
to my mom, my mom usually throwsa flip-flop at him.
Okay, well, you're probably notgonna be the next one, and you
would be insane for thinkingit's gonna work.

SPEAKER_01 (16:41):
The biggest thing that I tell women all the time
about dating and being the quoteunquote one is timing is
everything.
So I'll give you an example.
My wife, right now, so we metthrough a mutual friend at a
birthday party that was notgiven at his house.
But when he was given parties athis house, we were in the same
place for 10 years.

(17:01):
Like, so we would be at hisparties over 10 years, I'd be
upstairs playing cards, she'd bedownstairs dancing, having
drinks, whatever.
We didn't meet.
As a matter of fact, we were ata party, a New Year's Eve party
that was not at his house at aspot in Atlanta and danced back
to back with each other.
And the reason why I say we werethe reason we know we danced
back to back with each other isbecause we knew each other's

(17:22):
exes and we saw them at thatparty.
Right?
So we had to dance back to backbecause I was like, wait a
minute, I saw him and she waslike, Oh yeah, I saw her.
So we were back to back, whichis why we didn't see each other.
Ten whole years.
We didn't meet until we met, ifthat makes sense.
Absolutely.
Yeah, she saw me two weeksbefore that actual meeting at
another event.
We connected that night, we'vebeen together 20 years since

(17:44):
then.
Timing is everything because hadwe met earlier, we were not
ready for each other.
Each other, correct?

SPEAKER_00 (17:50):
Well, this is what I would say.
For a man under 25 who's neverbeen in this uh committed
relationship, it's not so much ared flag.
Correct.
Over 25, 35, 40, 40.
Yeah.
Well, so let's stay in that 56.

SPEAKER_02 (18:07):
Let's let's stay in that bracket.
Hopefully, these young women arenot dating 40, 50 year olds,
right?

SPEAKER_00 (18:11):
So it's a thing, right?
Trust me.
Don't put a passion.

SPEAKER_02 (18:15):
Oh shit.
Let's not that's I'm not that'sanother buggers.
Okay, right.
I'm just I'm just saying if aman is 25, let's not go to 35.
You're saying 25 to 30.
To 30, and he's never been in acommitted relationship.
It's a little bit of a red flagfor me.
Okay.
Because um But what about thereason?
What uh what about what he said?

SPEAKER_04 (18:32):
Because I even kind of gave my own boundary of like,
I don't want to have agirlfriend until I'm probably 26
through 28.

SPEAKER_00 (18:39):
You're a unicorn, right?
Because you focus somewhereelse.
But most of us, 25-year-olds,have been in at least a couple
relationships, serious, easy,committed.

SPEAKER_01 (18:50):
Yeah, so you have an except an exceptional drive and
focus that the average personyour age has.
Not common, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 (18:58):
So what I would say to the to the to the ladies, I'm
going back to conversations,intentional conversation, so
thinking to get something out ofit, right, for yourself.
Over 25, hating 30, never had aserious relationship, and you
just you just around hating theclubs, yeah.
Come on, do that.
There's the reason that's areason for it, yeah.

(19:18):
You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_02 (19:19):
So, yeah, so then to answer that young lady's
question, if that's the reason,and he's never been in a
relationship, because he maybehe runs away.
So as he gets very serious, hetakes off.
Absolutely.
Um, he's got mommy issues.
Yeah, you might be insane tothink you're going to be the
one, especially if there's noconversations around that.
Facts.
Okay.
But if there's a reason and thatperson can articulate those

(19:41):
reasons, I get that all the timetoo.
Yeah, and the person answers it,and you go, that's logical.
Now, don't think I'm about tochange that.
Right.
Don't do that.
That's the worst thing you cando, right?
So if a woman asks him thisquestion, right, and they say
that to him, he goes, Not for atleast another four years.
In the back of her mind, she'sthinking, I'm gonna change that.
We're gonna date, but I'm gonnachange that.
Even if it works and you end upin a serious relationship,

(20:02):
there's gonna be resentmentlater on.
Mm-hmm.
Yep, you're restraining me fromthe city.
Exactly.
Whatever goal he doesn't hit,he's gonna hold you accountable
for it and hold you responsiblefor at least put some blame on
you because he's like, I had aplan, I had a goal, and now it's
different.

SPEAKER_00 (20:15):
What I would tell women, if they really want to
know the answer to some certainquestions, as opposed to asking,
they will tell you the truth inconversations instead of
straight up asking, oh, whyhaven't you had a girlfriend?
They could tell you anything.
But if you hold them to aserious conversation, they'll
tell you the truth before evenwithout even asking.

SPEAKER_02 (20:32):
That is that is a refined art.
I don't know exactly what you'resaying.
Don't ask questions directly.
You could ask.
Why?
But the more you talk to them,absolutely.
And it even if you justunderstand their philosophy on
life, on relationships.
Come on.
You could be watching a movietogether and watch certain
things and ask them what thattheir take is on it.
Maybe you read a book, yourecommend that book to that
person, hopefully they'll readit or they'll listen to it or

(20:54):
whatever, right?
And then you see what their takeis.
It tells you everything aboutthem, it tells you so much more
about them, and that's a greatpoint.
And I hope, ladies, as you'relistening to this, it makes so
much sense, you know.
So I got a question.

SPEAKER_01 (21:05):
Ask without asking for just since we are OGs and we
date it differently than whatyou guys date now.
From her question, how could sheget that answer?
It appears to me that you guysdo more texting than talking.
Not me, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 (21:19):
I'm I'm like an old soul trapped in a young body.
Like I'm very direct.
I get told basically on everydate this feels like an
interrogation.
I'm like good.
Because uh questions bringclarity, clarity brings
confidence, so I feel likequestioning has to happen for
anything else to take off fromthere.

SPEAKER_01 (21:34):
So you think that might be one of the reasons why
you haven't had a seriousrelationship either?

SPEAKER_04 (21:38):
Is because questioning and I figure out who
they are before they need toshow me.
Two questions reveals everygirl, to me at least, is I say,
Oh, you about to tell them?
Oh, should I give it to them?
No, that's not on the Patreon,that's paid for.
What are your two questions?
Let's give them some specialmanhood matters special.
What are your two questions?
And they can reverse this on theguys because I go, number one,

(21:59):
what defines a healthyrelationship to you and what
defines a toxic relationship?
Because that shows me how shewas raised.
That shows me her parents, thatshows me their principles, that
shows me how thorough she is inher answers, because that's a
deep question.
And women can use the exact samequestion on the guy, they can
ask them.
And if that guy answers in twosentences, uh come on.
Yeah, unless behind it.
Yeah, unless he has someprofound answer in two

(22:20):
sentences, that's very rare.
And the second thing I said, Isay is give me five words to
describe your closest friends.
Because your friends make upyou.
You're an average of the fiveclosest people to you.
It's a cliche.
Because then, like, if a girlasks me that, or I'll be like,
How are your I actually, this ismy third question, another boom,
bomb drop, right?
I say, How many of your friendsaren't in relationships?

(22:43):
Because when they ask me thatquestion, I'm like, my friends
are 30, they're married.
I mean, you like everybody got apartner.
Your friends are 50 year olds,right?
That's the thing.
Like, all my mentors are 40plus, and all these guys got
wives and three kids, andthey've been happily married.
Like, and then they're like,Well, why aren't you?
And then I give my reasoning andthey're like, I'm 22.
You done I'm still a baby.

(23:03):
But but the same thing is likethey say the same thing.
Yeah, they definitely understandwhere I'm coming from because
they know I'm not friends with abunch of the frat boys or the at
I'm friends with the athletes,but my athletes are like stuck
in Bible study and and playingball.
So it's like everybody I hangaround is an influence or an
inspiration to many.
How could I all of a sudden bethe be the darkness?

SPEAKER_02 (23:25):
Great questions.
Those are three awesomequestions.
Very, very insightful.
You're not gonna get somesurface level bullshit.
You're gonna get, well, you'regonna find one or two things
about them.
Either they're you know, theythey're adept to that person and
they can answer the question, orthey're just stupid.
Stupid.

SPEAKER_04 (23:42):
Keep it blunt, man.

SPEAKER_02 (23:43):
You know, you they say certain things, you're like,
what the fuck?
Not even that even touch uh youknow the question that I asked.

SPEAKER_01 (23:49):
That's when I asked for the bell real quick.
I'm like, so that's what sothat's where I was going.
Are these conversations evenhappening?

SPEAKER_04 (23:55):
I can only speak from my experience because I
know other dudes are taking themto like the dive bar or the
coffee shop, or I don't do that.
Like I'm fine dining, I'm gonnainvite you out, tell you the
dress code, tell you the time,more than likely get flowers
depending on how our texting orcall went.
Because I'm always gonna callyou before I see you.
Because if you don't have enoughintelligence, you're not gonna
get my attention.

(24:16):
So you pass the the you knowpiss test.
All right, well, now let's meetin person.
I'm gonna see your etiquette,I'm gonna see your manners, I'm
gonna ask you questions, I'mgonna see how you treat the
service workers, I'm gonna seeif I'm gonna see if you even try
to split the bill.
Like, cause I'm very traditionalin my way, so like I do
everything in the old school wayof how it should be done.
So I can only say like theseconversations are always held
for me, first time I meet you,and that's probably what turns

(24:39):
me away from a lot of women thatcould have been good quality
because from the outside theylook good, but from the inside
it's ugly.

SPEAKER_01 (24:44):
So you're so your boys, their their dating is
different, right?
So, what is their datingexperience like?
I mean, I would so what I'mtrying to get to, Justice, is
are these conversations thequestions that we're being
asked, are these conversationsactually happening or are these
just curiosities?

SPEAKER_04 (25:00):
Not for the average man my age.

SPEAKER_01 (25:02):
No.
Thankfully, I ain't dated in 20years, and all I hear about is
people sliding in each other'sDMs and all of this, and I'm
just like, well, okay, y'allhaving conversation through text
where a lot of the conversationcan be misconstrued.
You don't have no emotion, notone, no context.
Y'all using emojis, y'all using,you know, that's where that's

(25:25):
where the emotion comes in, orall caps, and it's like the
emotion is an emoji.

SPEAKER_02 (25:30):
Yeah, right.

SPEAKER_01 (25:30):
The emotion's an emoji, or or all caps, or this,
that, and the other.
Oh my god.
And there's no context to it.

SPEAKER_00 (25:36):
Didn't you see the exclamation point?
Leah.
Right.
Not only does conversations nothappening, when they do happen,
they're not even full words,right?
Or full sentences.

SPEAKER_04 (25:44):
It's langlish.
Right.
What you doing?
W I D.
Yes.
What?
And this is my number one whiteflag.
Like, cause because you guysprobably heard of Snapchat at
least.
Like if a woman has Snapchat.

SPEAKER_02 (25:55):
What the hell you mean?
We know what chat Snapchat is.

SPEAKER_04 (25:57):
Okay, just making sure we're not that old.

SPEAKER_00 (26:01):
You probably heard of Snapchat.
I guess what?
I guess what?
It's not wrong.
I only heard of it.
I never used it.
I've never used it, but here wego.

SPEAKER_04 (26:11):
That's like what my generation was growing up on.
Snapchat, right?
So if a woman even has Snapchat,done.
Reason why is because it's abunch of pictures of half your
face, mere pictures, bikinipictures, random stuff.
They communicate not even withwords, with pictures.
That's crazy.
Just to keep a streak numbergoing, saying, I've talked to

(26:31):
him for 57 days, but what didyou actually talk about?
Because to my point, and this isthe thing that I know I have
guaranteed wisdom on the factthat these conversations aren't
happening for my age anddemographic, is every woman
always goes, I've never beenasked that.
I could imagine.
So let's hear you answer.
And they're like, Well, I needto think.
No rush.
We got a meal.

(26:52):
Yeah, we're not going nowhere.
Even through text.
Like when I'm vetting a girl outand qualifying her and asking
her, you know, are you inschool?
What all do you study?
Or what do you currently do?
When I ask, just what are youlooking for?
When I ask, like, what is yourintention?
When I ask these through text,they're already like, ooh, he's
different.
But then they get in person,it's like, oh, this wasn't Chat

(27:12):
GPT.
Like, he's real deal, justcoming up with questions because
he cares.
Exactly.
Yes, sir.
Well, then that was a questionagain.
The question was, is it a wasteof time to date a man that's
never been in a committedrelationship?

SPEAKER_01 (27:26):
We addressed that.
We covered that.
We just went somewhere else withit.
We covered that, but we're theway we the way we derailed it
was because I wanted to knowwhat you're dating his life.

SPEAKER_02 (27:37):
You started interviewing Justin.

SPEAKER_01 (27:38):
Yeah, I just I had a question with him because you
know, I'm like, these arequestions and they're great
questions.
They are.
But I'm like, are these youngwomen asking me?
In person, are theseconversations being had?

SPEAKER_04 (27:51):
And I'll say this too
that I literally have to put arule out there before I even ask
my first question to thesegirls.
I go, we're not playing Uno,there's no reverse.
You are not gonna copy and pastemy question because I'm gonna
see their intellect.
Because if they just take what Isay and ask it back, it's a
great question.
What about you?
I'm like, oh my god.
So yeah, I heard this onebefore.

(28:11):
But like when I say you have tocreate your own question, when I
see how curious she truly is.

SPEAKER_02 (28:16):
Before we move on, because we are moving on, I just
want to ask this one question.
Earlier, when Leon wasinterviewing you, he asked one
of those questions, and youbasically said you want to see
how she's on the date.
And you mentioned one thing, andI don't want it to be
misinterpreted.
So hopefully we're gonna losesomeone and we want to go, I
want to go back to it.
You say you want to see if shewould offer to split the bill.
What is what are you expecting?

(28:37):
Never exactly.
Thank you.

SPEAKER_04 (28:38):
No, no, and a lot of them will even offer on like a
dessert because they're like,Oh, you pay for dinner, let me
pay for like dessert and let'sgo get ice cream.
Even to that, I'm like, mygrandfather always taught me
they don't touch a bill, theydon't touch a door.
Yeah, you go.
I like that.
Next question.
Okay, next question, very shortone says, Are daddy issues a
real thing?
Hell yeah, hell yeah.

SPEAKER_02 (29:00):
That's absolutely hell yeah.

SPEAKER_04 (29:01):
Next question.

SPEAKER_02 (29:03):
We never gotta dive into that one.
The next question.
Yeah, they should have askedmore.
It's a real thing.

SPEAKER_01 (29:07):
God damn, we're not even gonna elaborate a little
bit.
No, we don't need to.
No.
No, you do, no, you do.
Yeah, it's because they don'teven know, they don't even know
what daddy issues are.

SPEAKER_04 (29:14):
Now, this is what we should do.
Are daddy issues a real thing?
How do you identify and how doyou solve them?
Yes.

SPEAKER_00 (29:20):
I I don't know how to solve it, but I'm gonna tell
you um, me looking a littleyounger than I than I am, I get
a lot of people, younger girlscoming to me.
Obviously, I don't wear a ringall the time because I'm
allergic to most metal.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, no, for real.
And and um, I even tried the uhsilicon one, they don't work.

(29:40):
It's it stinks.
So I get approach and I tellthem there's nothing I could do
for you.
I'm a married man, da da da.
They won't give up.

SPEAKER_04 (29:47):
No, because it's a shortage.
If they see the ring, they'regonna try even harder, actually.

SPEAKER_02 (29:50):
Right.
That's the thing.
You look more like you're 34.
So because of that, they figureI do want a more mature man, one
that's like 10 years older thanme.
I'm 23, so he's 33.
Let's go.
And you Like now I'm 48.
They're like, Well, shit, youlook 33.
And and and what's crazy aboutit too is like a lot of men
would rather approach a womanwhen they know there's a daddy
issue.
When there's a there's been afather present that's raised

(30:12):
them a certain way.
It all depends, right?
If they're trying to takeadvantage of her, she's an
easier, much easier target ifher daddy wasn't in her life or
hasn't spent the time to talk toher and teach her certain
things.

SPEAKER_01 (30:25):
Daddy issues are real, which is the question.
Um they can be good and bad.
Yes, you could be, you can youcan have a man that can love
you, treat you well, and do thethings that you need, but
because you are comparing him toyour father who may be a better
man, you don't end up with a manbecause you devalue this one.

(30:45):
I see what you're saying.
You see what I'm saying?
Yeah, you ain't my daddy, so youain't good enough for me.
And and there's a and and we areuh we set a hell of a bar, is
what I'm saying.
We love ourselves, but yes, butthere is a lot of young men,
which is why I mentor.
Correct.
Because they cannot or do nothave what we have inside of us.

(31:05):
Right.
And so, because of thatstandard, a woman may step away
or push that man aside becausehe doesn't measure up to us.

SPEAKER_02 (31:14):
I mean, look, a a young man approaches one of my
daughters, says, hello, can'tlook her in the eyes, looking
down, can't say a full sentence.
They're gonna eat you alive,those girls.
Yes, tear your ass up and noteven be mean.

SPEAKER_03 (31:26):
Yes.

SPEAKER_02 (31:26):
They're still sweet and motherly about it, but
they're gonna destroy you.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, absolutely.
Right?
So then, like to your point,that's why you mentor, because
there's a shortage of peoplelike to say the shortage of good
men, but there's a shortage ofjust men, period, because they
were never made to be men,because they were never shown
how.

SPEAKER_01 (31:43):
And we'll talk about that part in the mentoring
piece, but yeah, but I justwanted to talk about daddy
issues.
I mean, yes, they exist, theyexist.
Real, real.
Sometimes you can set the bartoo high, sometimes you can set
the bar too low and and bringissues from childhood into a
relationship.
So, yes, they are real.

SPEAKER_04 (32:01):
I think the statistic is 54% of couples get
divorced or married couples getdivorced, which is at a height
in our generation to where mydating pool, at least like the
sexual marketplace, is destroyedby daddy issues.
And I mean destroyed.
I believe it.
Like when I hear a girl even hasboth their parents and all life,
I'm like, wow, you are a unicornyourself.
Yes.
But this is the thing, the theeffect, because that's the cause

(32:24):
of where they end up, becausenow it's like what I call it,
these girls look for like aliteral spiritual spanking.
They've never been told no, theynever get told where to go when
a threat appears.
They never, they don't havethat.
So it's like they they go aroundall these men for like physical
satisfaction, but the secondthey find one man that does it
spiritually or mentally, nowthey're hooked.

(32:45):
Now they're like, oh, even if heis abusive, they don't care.
They look past it becausethey've never felt the spiritual
satisfaction of like being led.
It's not even just the providedfor, it's not just the
protected, it's all aspectscoming from one person.

SPEAKER_01 (32:58):
He's feeding a different aspect of their of
their spirit.

SPEAKER_04 (33:02):
Yes, absolutely.
Next question.
Is it realistic to think a manwould date me as a single mom
and he doesn't have anychildren?

SPEAKER_01 (33:10):
That's all well, obviously that's a yes, because
a lot of that is happening.
For me, it was a deal breakerbecause I did not want to be, I
didn't want to be the father tosomeone else's child, and I did
not want to break this child'sheart because I was I had no
intention of being with themother long term.
I did it one time.

(33:30):
I'm and what I mean by that is Imet the child.
It wasn't where we had anongoing relationship.
And if you brought that upon metoo soon, that that was a deal
breaker for me because I'm like,you don't even know me.
You don't know what I could doto this child.
And the fact that you're doingit with me led me to think you
were doing it with others.
And the damage as you, as wetalked about, that you're

(33:52):
inflicting on this child, youhave no idea.
You're creating trauma, exactly.
And I know there are dudes whowill take that on, you know.
But if I meet a woman and she'sgot two, three baby daddies, I'm
not being daddy number four.
If a woman told me, Yeah, I gota child, but you ain't never
gonna meet it, we dapping up.
Love that, yeah.
Love it.
Love it.

(34:12):
And the reason why is becausethat means you have enough
respect for that child to say,until I vet this Negro out, he
don't meet you.
Everything.
Correct.
That's a woman that I can haverespect for.
And I'm like, you know what?
Okay, maybe we can see wherethis can go, and I might
consider it longer.

SPEAKER_02 (34:29):
The question is, is it realistic to expect that a
man with no kids would date you?

SPEAKER_00 (34:33):
Yeah, right.

SPEAKER_02 (34:35):
It's not unrealistic, it's not
unrealistic.
It's not unrealistic, but youshouldn't expect it.
And honestly, you know, wewouldn't tell any of our sons to
date you if you're single.
You need to pretty much haveyour shit together.

SPEAKER_00 (34:45):
Another big reason why I will say you have to be in
a real great mental space withyourself and the father.
Because a lot of guys, the egowill not let them allow another
guy to discipline their son.
Sometimes it's the mother.
Well, you're not the father, youcan't discipline my son.
Okay, you're asking me to payfor everything for this person

(35:08):
whom I can't discipline.
I'm not saying put my hand onyour son, because I don't put my
hand on my own daughter, but I'mI have to have a say.
I'm the man in the house.

SPEAKER_02 (35:16):
I want to bring something up.
All these questions are relatedto relationships.
You're worried about bringingsomeone into your life, you have
a child.
Do you think it's realistic toyou to expect that that person
that you really want is gonnawant to be in a relationship
with you, right?
So here's some advice that Igave to my daughter.
Ladies, listen to Uncle Steph.
This is really, really critical.

(35:37):
This goes back to what one of myboys, Junior, on the last
podcast, said he goes, Youworried about the wrong shit.
All right.
So here's what I mean by that.
I want you to to do thisexercise.
It's a three-part exercise.
Okay?
Part one, since all thesequestions are about
relationships, I want you totake a piece of paper and write
down the perfect man for you.

(35:58):
And I don't mean surface levelbullshit.
Like really insightful, taketime to think about it.
He's a gentleman, he's kind, youknow, he's altruistic, he reads,
he's from a good family, he'shealed from his trauma, whatever
it may be.
Yes, there's a certain uh lookthat you want this person to
have.
So, yes, I want him to beattractive in that way, but

(36:21):
don't make that the mostimportant thing, right?
And have a list of at least 20things.
He's successful, he's ambitious,right?
He's protective, he's a followerof Christ, if that matters to
you, to where it's at least 20things.
You can break, you can beextremely granular with this.
Describe the perfect mate foryou.

(36:41):
Take time to do this.
I don't I want you to do it now.
Pause the damn podcast, just goahead and write everything down,
and then come back and listen tothe rest of this.
So once you have your list,anything that you would want as
a woman that really makes sense.
He's a good husband, he's a goodfather, he he's he's
considerate, all these differentthings that truly, truly matter
to you.
He's loyal.
Now, once you have your list of20, I want you to look at that

(37:04):
list and know for sure, withabsolute certainty, I promise
you, you're going to meet thatman.
So you talked about timingbefore.
When you meet that person, hissecond part of the exercise,
what about you will be appealingand attractive to that man?
Now, answer the question.
This wasn't uh you know arhetorical question.

(37:25):
I want you to think about whatabout you is appealing and
attractive to that man.
Well, then answer the questionin the in the present tense,
even though it hasn't happenedyet, right?
I want you to write this down inpresent tense and say, I am also
attractive in the sense that Itake care of my body, I take
care of myself, I am successfulin my own right.

(37:46):
And whatever success means toyou, by the way, when I say
someone is successful, I'm nottalking about this person rich,
right?
It's whatever they they believethat definition of success is,
or whatever you believe it is.
Are you ambitious?
Are you all the things you wantto be?
Are you basking in your feminineenergy to where you don't feel
like you have to be a man,right?
Even though you're handlingthings by yourself, you write

(38:06):
all these things down.
That is what is going to makeyou appealing to that person.
So the third part of theexercise, work on these things.
What's gonna happen is when yourun into that person and you
meet that person, that person isautomatically attracted to you
in the same way.
And by the way, you're gonnameet about 10 of them that are
exactly that because that's whatyou attract.

(38:27):
You've worked on yourself.
The question that I asked beforewas why would that person be
interested in someone like you?
This is why.
This is everything that youbring to the table and not ones
that I talk about, can you payhalf the bills?

SPEAKER_04 (38:40):
The biggest thing is, like he said as well, it's
circumstantial.
If you're 40 plus, you'reprobably in the same boat as the
person that you're talking to.
They probably got a kid grownup, birds out the nest, boom,
you're both good.
But the thing is, if you're inif you're under 30, which these
women are, and you're lookingfor a man of high value, and you
have a child, and you know hedoes not, well, now you're
you're pushing, I mean, anuphill battle with the you have

(39:02):
homework to do and you need toworry about a whole lot of
things other than trying to nabthat person and just get the
person in your life.

SPEAKER_02 (39:08):
It's realistic.
You gotta do the work.
It's exactly you gotta do thework now.
Again, like to your point,Justin, your mid-30s and up, or
whatever it is, kids are like12, 13 years old, you've already
accomplished so much.
Different.
Yeah, and any man you meet willprobably be in the same boat.
It's a different story.

SPEAKER_04 (39:21):
This is a lengthy one.
It says, How do I set clearboundaries in my work field?
It's a male-dominatedenvironment, and I don't want to
come off as a snitch when theysay something inappropriate, or
I don't want them to seem like Ican't take a joke when I really
just don't like what they said.

SPEAKER_02 (39:35):
That's unfortunate that she's in that situation,
and I will apologize for all menwho are just inappropriate in
ways because you know thatthat's fucked up because society
in general, yeah.
It feels like she's trapped inthat environment.
So, how do you set clearboundaries?
If you just happen to go outwith the team, you go out to
lunch, and somethinginappropriate is said, I think
it's totally okay for you to sayit's not being a snitch, it's to

(39:58):
be like, well, that was kind ofweird or rude or inappropriate
or whatever to say.
Use the words that you'refeeling at the time and let them
know that was fucked up, dude.

SPEAKER_01 (40:05):
Don't do that, don't say that it's fucked up.
You can't do that in a corporatesetting.
You can't say that.
Oh, no, no, don't use that word.
Okay, because we have to prefaceeverything.
Remember, this society right nowhas no filter.
Oh my god.
You can't well say that'sbecause you were at lunch and we
were all eating and it's dinner,and somebody said something.
Jim, that was fucked up.

(40:28):
You're crazy.
Not somebody getting fired.

SPEAKER_02 (40:30):
Not using that HR.
Right.
Um, so no, but let them knowthat you're uncomfortable with
that.
And this is more true of blackwomen than it's true of anyone
else, right?
I'm like, it's quite theopposite with other ethnicities.
They've been silenced for solong, they've been oppressed for
so long.
It's just something that'sinnate where they kind of feel
like they don't have a voice,they don't shouldn't speak
because they don't want to comeoff a certain way.
But I will tell you that you canlet the person know that at that

(40:53):
moment in time, whoever it is,or the supporters, everybody
else laughing at the joke.

SPEAKER_00 (40:57):
It's inappropriate.

SPEAKER_02 (40:58):
It's inappropriate, dude.
That ain't cool.
You can say it just like that,man.
That is not cool, but you knowwhat?
I'm just gonna remove myself.
If you say it just like that,any reasonable, decent man is
gonna be like, okay, I wastrying to make a joke, but the
fact that she said she's gonnaremove herself makes her real
uncomfortable.
That person, if they have anydecency to them, should come by
and apologize and say, Oh, mybad, I didn't mean for that to
be to come off that way, or I'mnot gonna do that again.

SPEAKER_01 (41:21):
What I would ask is that you would first gain
clarity into what's being saidby asking if it's offensive to
you, what do you mean by that?
Unless it's obvious to wherethey say, hey girl, you got a
fat booty or something.
That's obvious.
But if it's something like acolloquialism that is just kind
of an inappropriate mistimedjoke, then give the person some

(41:44):
grace.
Unless this is something thatthey continually do.
Then you might have aconversation with on the side
and be like, hey, you seem toalways make inappropriate jokes.
I'm offended by it.
I'm not going to HR, but I'mletting you know.
And see if they make adifference.
At first, I was gonna be like,dude, what are you doing?

SPEAKER_02 (41:59):
Because when you saw where you saw him going with
that, because again, you know,the whole thing about maybe
you're being too sensitive, it'scomes across as offensive
immediately, right?
Because it's just like, well,wait, you're just being a woman,
you're being emotional, you'rebeing sensitive.
So that's why when you firstsaid it, I was like, wait, what?
But you you did I'm glad I letyou finish your point because
you did say just ask forclarity.

(42:19):
Because there are certain jokesthat may not make sense to you,
and regardless of the setting.
And so if you ask what do youmean by that, it's one way to
start.
Again, like you said, if it'ssuper obvious, so you know you
know what it is, and you knowwhat intentions are.
But yeah, there are some peoplewho are just obtuse.
Some dudes will make jokes, andsometimes it's not even the
person.
They say it because they'retrying to come off a certain way
in front of their friends,trying to be cool, trying to say

(42:41):
certain things or whatever itis.
They may not even mean it thatway or think that way, but it's
still if it's inappropriate, youneed to go ahead and check it.
I don't think you should beafraid to do it.
I think you should go ahead andcheck it.
We agree.
Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 (42:51):
Next one is not it, but it says, What is your
opinion on staying for the kidsin an unhappy situation?
I got a good one.
Ding ding ding.
Yeah, y'all two guys, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 (43:03):
All right.
I got I actually have well, Ihave a good one for this also.
So initially, I'm gonna say whatI think most sensible people
would say is you should not.
You should never stay in arelationship just because of the
children, because inevitablythey will suffer more.
The relationship will be toxic,kids are not stupid, they can
read through that.
Now, if you're one of like oneof my friends, who I know is

(43:24):
very, very smart, and he and hiswife decided to make it work no
matter what, even though they'renot happy, that's your personal
choice.
I still think it's the wrong wayto approach it.
I was talking to a friend yearsago, right?
I was going through my thing, myown issues in my relationship on
my way to get a divorce.
And, you know, he and I werejust kind of talking about the
same thing because he was goingthrough the same thing as well.
And uh we got on the subject ofchildren, whether or not we

(43:49):
should stay in thisrelationship.
And of course the kids came up,like, hey man, you know, we
should because I had alreadybeen married and I left a
relationship that I stayed inway, way, way too long because
of my children.
So when I got to this situation,I was like, you know, we
shouldn't repeat this samemistake.
And I said, you know what?
Hey, bro, children are not areason for people to stay

(44:09):
together.
And his response to me, and itwas deeper, it's gonna sound
really simple, but it was asimple question that made me
really, really think.
He goes, Well, Steph, ifchildren are not a reason for
people to fight through amarriage and stay together, what
is?
It stopped me dead in my tracks.
I thought about it because hemade me stop, ponder, and kind
of change my mind about things.

(44:29):
And then I went, because I putso much thought into it, went
back to say, still not a reason.
I went back to my, not because Iwanted to be right, but because
again, I did consider both.
At the end of the day, the kidwill be more damaged long term
if you're staying for the sakeof the children.

SPEAKER_01 (44:44):
The best thing that happened to me in my childhood
was my parents divorcing on orseparating December 26, 1976.
Best thing that ever happened tome.

SPEAKER_03 (44:55):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 (44:55):
And it's because of when did you realize that?
I realized it probably maybe sixyears later, probably when I was
like 12, 13 years old.
I was probably about 10, 11years old.
Okay.
And the reason why I realized itthen was because the only time
that they fought, it was becauseof me.
All of the marital shit is outthe way.

(45:17):
So my mom didn't put my dad onchild support.
It was, okay, I'm not going totry to break you.
I don't want anything from you.
I'm not taking the house.
None of that.
You got your own house, we'removing, but you gonna take care
of him.
So their only argument at thatpoint was me.
Was you gonna pick him up fromschool at this time?
If not, yada yada, or you know,you gonna pay his tuition to go.

(45:41):
I ain't so it was those typethings.
I was let so as I grew up andthen I started having my own
relationships, I was like, theywere never going to work
together.
Rather than to be in thathousehold where they like this,
I always had a sanctuary becausewhen one I could go over to one
house or the other, because itwas a co-parenting situation,

(46:04):
right?
So there was times where I justneeded to get away from her, and
there was times where I justneeded to get away from him, so
I had two places to go.
That for me ended up being abetter situation than them
trying to stay.

SPEAKER_02 (46:18):
I've heard several success stories too from people
that I follow, you know, E.T.'sone, you know, Eric Thomas.
Um, there's another gentleman Iwas listening to the podcast
where he he became um big-timeNFL player and the name escapes
me.
But anyway, he was, you know,and they both talk about the
same thing.
The separation of the parents iswhat made them who they became.

(46:39):
Whether it it's whether whetherit's through adversity, whether
it was through just having tofend for themselves, whatever it
may have been, but it made thembetter.
It may take a while for you torealize that.
But my view on it is isunshakable.
Definitely consider the kids forsure, because that's that's
something that you guys gottogether, you made a decision,

(46:59):
you made a commitment.
If you can make it work,absolutely.
But if the sole reason is, well,we have children, we need to
stay together full of children,you're not doing them anyway.

SPEAKER_01 (47:09):
No, you're not doing us a favor.
Yeah, yeah.
I mean, and and you know, wewere if you remember on
Saturday, one of the things thatone of the questions we told the
kids to ask is why is itimportant for you to have peace
at home and peace in school?
I've always told people, I can'tcontrol the outside world.
You go to the outside world, allcat all hell is breaking loose.

(47:31):
It's chaotic, right?
So there has to be someplacethat you find peace.
And if you can't find it athome, then where do you go?
Yeah.
So if you're in a if you'regrowing up in a household or
you're living in a householdwhere there's a bunch of
fighting with you know parentsand stuff like that, that is
traumatic for a kid because theycan't control the outside world.

(47:52):
They should at least have oneplace they go to find peace.

SPEAKER_02 (47:55):
Well, let's go to the extreme example, right?
Let's say you have two verycivilized people who decide to
stay together for the kids andthey're not fighting.
Are the kids blind to the factthat there is no love between
you two?

SPEAKER_01 (48:06):
No.

SPEAKER_02 (48:06):
You know what I mean?
Is that good for them?

SPEAKER_01 (48:08):
Yeah.
It's harder for you to leavethan for it than it is on the
kids, I'll put it that way.
Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 (48:13):
What you trying to fix is probably gonna damage the
most.

SPEAKER_02 (48:16):
Yeah, and when by the time you realize that,
you're gonna be so pissed thatyou spent another five, ten
years, fifteen years insomething that inevitably was
going to break and possibly andpossibly miss your opportunity
to be with the person that youwere meant to be with.

SPEAKER_01 (48:29):
Correct.

SPEAKER_00 (48:30):
Yeah, leave and create in two beautiful spaces
for them.
I think that's better.

SPEAKER_04 (48:35):
Last question is do you think a DNA test should be
standard slash mandatory forunmarried couples?
And why hell yeah?
Yes, uh, we already answeredthat.

SPEAKER_01 (48:45):
We answered that in the end both.

SPEAKER_02 (48:47):
Yeah.
Yeah, I I think you should.
I think it creates that peace ofmind, uh just just for yourself.
Because again, if you're atraditional person living in
Western society, eventually ifthe goal is you're getting
married, you're not there yet,you kind of did things out of
order a little bit.
So since you're doing things outof order, it's a possibility

(49:09):
that there was chaos in thatorder.
And you might want to go aheadand just go ahead and get it
checked.
So my reason to just would befor you to know, number one, and
because overall there's been somany, so many people put on
child support who found outlater on on the 18th birthday
that it's not their kid.
If it doesn't work out betweenyou, you don't have to question
that is your responsibility.

(49:29):
Because a lot of dudes, whathappens too is like once they
get hit with that with thosepapers, the first thing they
start to do is question thingsthat they should have questioned
way before.
Now you want to question it.

SPEAKER_01 (49:38):
They may have questioned it, they just didn't
know the answer.
Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 (49:41):
And now that we're not working out, well, you know,
don't put the pressure on her.
It just it just automaticallyjust takes it away, just takes
it out of play.
And if it's mandatory, itdoesn't make anyone come
uncomfortable.

SPEAKER_00 (49:51):
And I I don't know, I don't know what in what
context she asked the question,but uh uh I kind of like it
coming from a woman.
Well, it happened to my brother,was an he's a nurse.
He almost lost his licensebecause of a glitch in the
system.
You start getting paperwork, hewas paying and paying and
paying.
And one day you received uh aletter.
You in a rear such and such amile.
Showed up in court and the girlwas there.

(50:12):
They both received receivedpaperwork.
To make the story short, theycancel everything because she
didn't want that to begin with.

SPEAKER_02 (50:19):
Right.

SPEAKER_00 (50:19):
But he almost lost his license because he missed a
uh the the glitch in the systemsaid he missed a few payments.
He was gonna lose his nursinglicense and then to find out
later, he's not even a dad.

SPEAKER_02 (50:31):
Man, listen, I think these tests in any relationship
should be mandatory.
So what you want to do is youwant to contact on-site
labs.net.
That's O-N-S-I-T-E-L-A-B-S.net.
Whether you need a paternity,prenatal, or if you just have

(50:52):
some questions regarding DNA orgenetics testing, just give them
a call at 833-878-3323, andthey'll come to you.
This is not one of thoseinstances where you want to mess
around and not find out.

SPEAKER_01 (51:12):
So that Steph, you had the best solution to this
that I've ever heard.
And that is at the time of birthto conduct a DNA test on if
you're not married.
Even if you are married.
More so if you are.
I don't understand.
I don't understand why thatisn't standard that they conduct
a DNA test when the baby isborn.

SPEAKER_02 (51:32):
Well, because I guess it's not centered because
it would be infringing on, Iguess, your rights as a person,
but if we adopted thatphilosophy as a society and just
say that's what we want, I Ithink it should be done.

SPEAKER_00 (51:42):
If I'm married, I don't no, I don't want it.
You don't want a DNA test.

SPEAKER_01 (51:48):
Because you don't want to know that she may have
No, not at all.

SPEAKER_00 (51:51):
Because if I'm married to a person, that's just
me.
If I don't trust you, we're noteven.

SPEAKER_01 (51:55):
No, no.
I mean So So it's not an issueof trust.

SPEAKER_00 (51:58):
So it is an issue of trust because it's not if it's
standard.
No, but what makes it- Becauseyou're not asking for it.

SPEAKER_04 (52:04):
Because it's saying should the test be standard and
mandatory for unmarried couples.

SPEAKER_00 (52:07):
Unmarried couple.
That I'm 100% for it.

SPEAKER_04 (52:09):
Unmarried.
But that's what I'm saying.

SPEAKER_00 (52:11):
If we marry, because I don't want to bring the kid
into that situation.
That's my story.
So would you leave?
So would you leave?
If I find out, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 (52:19):
Um, I don't know.
That's an honest answer.
No, I don't know.
So if you found out that she hasstepped out from the marriage 16
years ago, and you're heretoday, relationship has been
amazing.

SPEAKER_00 (52:30):
Maybe there was a situation where she something
happened and it wasn't even upto her.

SPEAKER_02 (52:35):
I see what you're saying.

SPEAKER_00 (52:36):
She could never bring it up to me.

SPEAKER_02 (52:37):
I gotcha.
I saw a movie like that once.

SPEAKER_00 (52:40):
I have to give her that grace.
Yeah.
That's my wife.

SPEAKER_02 (52:43):
Man, I love what you guys have, man.
We're gonna talk about this inthe next podcast because that's
so powerful.
That's such a powerful thing.
Because the initial thing forany man to say is I'm out, but
for you to kind of like say itthat way, um, you know, your
reaction is let me pause.
Let me let me pause for asecond.

SPEAKER_00 (52:58):
That's what I don't mess with chicks.
Yeah, mess with real women.

SPEAKER_04 (53:01):
It's definitely like a reflection of his reality.
Because when I hear it, myreflection is like, I've never
met a great woman, so I'd easilybe like, oh yeah, not even
thinking about it, but you'relike, all I've had is a great
woman, so it's easy for you.

SPEAKER_00 (53:12):
Absolutely.

SPEAKER_04 (53:13):
The other reason why I think it should be mandatory
is because like that greatsaying that I was told from
James, where he said, St.
Bernards don't breed giraffes.
It's like if I love mybloodline, if I love my father,
if I love my grandfather, mymother, all the gene pool that I
have inside my body, and now I'mraising some random Joe Schmose
kid, and I'm wondering why mykid can't backpedal properly.

(53:36):
Where did the drop off happen?
But it's that thing.
It's like I'm I'm a proud man ofwhere I come from in my
bloodline.
So if I picked you to continuethat bloodline and you stepped
out and tried to deceive, firstdeception and betrayal, like in
that book of Dante's Inferno,that's breaking somebody's
heart.
They actually did put a bonusquestion in there, though.

(53:58):
That's a bonus question.
Bonus.

SPEAKER_02 (53:59):
We're about to wrap it up.

SPEAKER_04 (54:00):
Let's get let's hear the bonus question.
It said, Do you think a finalclosure talk is necessary after
ending a relationship?
I'm gonna say I think it dependson how it ended.
If she cheated, it depends onit.
Close that door and don't let ithit you.
Yeah, don't let it hit you,baby.
But um, anything else beingmature, if it ended because of
travel, because of work, becauseof disagreiences amongst the

(54:21):
family or the wedding and theway that was gonna be.
There's so many different, it'sso controversial as far as like
the different circumstances.
But I'm gonna say if you endedmaturely, it should say that.
If you ended because someone wasnot mature, when two people
argue, it's hard to tell who'sthe fool, right?
So if you're gonna be foolish,I'm gonna let you stay those
ways and keep my peace.

SPEAKER_01 (54:39):
For me, and me and my wife differ on this because
we've had this conversationbefore.
She was like, it's on you to getclosure, is what her saying is.
She's like, it's not on and it'snot for me to give it.
I can feel that.
And I actually agree with her.
I do too.
I do too.
And, you know, but at the sametime, I'm not a person that
lives in ambiguity, but I thinkI at least owe you the courtesy

(55:02):
of, hey, yes, it's over for me,I'm gonna keep it pushing, you
know, good luck.

SPEAKER_02 (55:06):
I actually think that the best answer to that
question was given by a womanwho's actually not here, which
is your wife.
Right.
And the answer is, you know,nobody owes you closure.
Right.
It's on you to get it.
There's not necessarily going tobe a conversation about like an
exit interview as to why thisdidn't work out.
Right.
Right?
It is what it is.
Now, if the person and you endedup, you know, you left on really

(55:29):
good terms, like you said, thematurity's there, and you guys
want to just talk about.
I think to me, the only reasonyou'd even have that
conversation is how can I growfrom this?
What can I learn?
Why can I take with me so I'mbetter for myself and for the
next partner that I have, andhow can you be better for the
next partner that you have andand and kind of go from there.
But absolutely don't hold aperson to it and think that they

(55:52):
owe that to you.
Also be careful not to slip backinto the relationship.
I was about to say, usuallythat's what happens, you know,
usually because you know yousaid next thing you know, you're
talking about growth, and you'relike, Well, you know, you ain't
so bad, man.
Now that you now that we talkedit up.
Is that all it was what I'vebeen looking for the whole time?
That's what we got to say.

(56:12):
Just just go ahead and move on,man.
That's so good.

SPEAKER_04 (56:16):
I'm glad they had that as a bonus because it was a
good bonus question for sure.

SPEAKER_02 (56:20):
All right, good deal.
I want to send a big thank youto the ladies who sent in their
questions.
And I hope it wasn't justcuriosity, but a genuine need to
get someone else's perspectiveto help you grow.
Now remember, we are real manhaving real conversations.

(56:40):
If you're having an issue,something physical or mental,
definitely contact a licensedprofessional.
I want to thank my co-hosts,Leon, Justin, and Delva.
And if you guys really enjoyedthe episode, if it helped you at
all, please share it with atleast one friend.

(57:01):
Thanks again for tuning in.
We'll catch you guys next Mondaywhen we discuss whether or not
men can truly be faithful in arelationship.
Can we be monogamous?
I'll see y'all next week.