Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
Action.
So I will tell all women it'sthe first time you give a man
license to cheat.
You've given him license tocheat for a lifetime, so if you
accept that, then know that it'sgoing to be accepted.
Ongoing.
It's a new foundation youcreated, right, because you
moved the bar, correct, agreed.
The next part of it is, though,even if it quote-unquote is
your fault you have to make thedecision on whether or not
(00:20):
you're going to stay in thatrelationship, because now you've
moved the bar on it rightmaturity aspect.
Yeah, so is he the man for you?
Maybe, maybe not sure.
Speaker 3 (00:30):
Next last question
what's going on everyone.
I am your host, stefan.
Thanks for joining us againthis week.
We are answering questions fromthe ladies under 30 years old.
We are ready to dive into itand just help you out as much as
possible.
I am joined today by one of themost traditional, smart
individuals I've ever met, leonCohen, who is not only
(00:53):
successful in business, but alsoin his marriage going strong 18
years.
Also, delva Michelle, my littlebrother from forever ago, is
here with me, who has not only astrong marriage of 19 years,
but his wife is his businesspartner, which is really, really
cool.
And lastly, we have a man whosestoicism is only surpassed by
(01:16):
his intellect Justin DeMantor,one of my personal business
partners, who has an incredibleIQ and EQ.
Remember, this is part two ofmaybe a three or four part
series giving you our feedbackon the things that matter the
most to you.
Speaker 2 (01:49):
Welcome to Manhood
Matters.
Speaker 3 (01:51):
Let's get right to it
next question is good.
Speaker 2 (01:54):
I definitely want to
start it off.
It says why do you think it'stolerated for men to sleep
around, but if women do it,they're looked at as promiscuous
?
Do you have your water bottle?
Speaker 3 (02:05):
I do.
Speaker 2 (02:05):
Have you opened it?
Not yet.
Let me see it.
Speaker 3 (02:08):
Watch this you know
it's not a video, right.
Speaker 2 (02:12):
Did you hear that
though?
Speaker 3 (02:13):
Yeah, I heard you
open the bottle.
Speaker 2 (02:14):
Good.
Seal got broken.
Right, nobody's drank thiswater.
Right, it's pure, it's clean.
Why do you think, biologically,women have something called
their cherry gets popped but mendon't?
How can you tell if a man's avirgin?
Speaker 3 (02:27):
Anybody.
Speaker 2 (02:28):
You can't.
Speaker 3 (02:31):
I don't know if you
can, but I don't know.
He's going to bust in 30seconds.
Speaker 2 (02:34):
That's a good one,
but not all the time Hopefully
you'll never find that out.
I mean he asked me how do Iknow?
That's funny.
I'm taking that off.
That's funny.
That's funny.
Speaker 1 (02:49):
I'm taking that off,
cut that.
Speaker 4 (02:52):
Oh, you're going to
cut that.
That's the viral clip.
Speaker 2 (02:54):
No, that's the viral
clip.
Speaker 4 (02:56):
I could say no, ditty
, so cut that.
Speaker 2 (02:58):
That's what goes
viral.
Cut that shit too.
I thought it was open dialogue,my bad to that very point of of
like, just the biologicalindifference.
As men there is not as muchemotion in sexual intercourse
just because we are not the onesgetting penetrated.
Speaker 3 (03:18):
Hopefully, right
right these days, these days men
are we're talking thetraditional sense.
Speaker 2 (03:23):
Yes, this is a
traditional-based conversation
with OGs and the young Gs.
So biggest thing there is likeGod created us for a certain
reason.
He was very intentional.
He said he made no mistakes.
Everything was purposeful.
There was hunters, there wasgatherers.
Everybody is assigned a roleand for a woman, what is she
valued as, or valued for, Ishould say her past?
(03:45):
Cause what is a man valued forhis future?
These girls don't want a bum, alazy man, a broken down vehicle
that's not going to take themvery far, cause we know that
they want an ambitious man, aman with goals, a man with a
brighter future than his past.
We don't want the woman that'sbeen with the whole football
team and now she's been with thebasketball team and now she's
still at the club and now she'sall trauma, but now she wants to
settle down with the good man.
Speaker 3 (04:07):
That's interesting,
because it's crazy that I'm
hearing it from someone so young, because I've never heard that
perspective.
Men are valued for their future.
Women are evaluated,appreciated, I would say, based
on their past.
Absolutely Interesting concept,yeah.
Speaker 2 (04:20):
Because also, it
doesn't just come with the
physical penetration of sexual,and of course it's more so the
mental penetration that comesfrom that relationship, that
comes from that trauma, thatcomes from that abuse.
All those things factor in andthey build a character, strong,
that's not constantly jumpingship.
We're talking about all thesegood qualities, but a woman that
(04:50):
slept around with all thesedifferent men.
She becomes more manly becausenow she's the hunter, Now she's
all these things that we as menare taught to be and are forged
to be.
But as a woman she's supposedto feel protected, feel peaceful
.
The more times that she sleptaround, the more relationships
that she's been in it's, themore damage the goods are.
No man wants to go onto the lot, pay $100,000 for a Lamborghini
, drive it off the lot, turn iton.
(05:11):
It's a new car and that thinggot 140,000 miles on it.
I think that no, go ahead.
Speaker 3 (05:16):
No, no.
I'm dying to hear what thatsigh was about.
Speaker 4 (05:21):
I agree with your
point.
I'm just going to go anotherstep.
I don't think a lot of womenunderstand, because let's just
ask the question who holds theaccess to sex?
The woman.
So which means we hold you tothat standard.
If you just give it away foreverybody, you lose value.
Okay, 100%, we hold access torelationship.
(05:44):
So which means when we'relooking for a partner, that's a
criteria we look at.
I'm not saying it's reallytolerated, we just frown upon.
When you have so many by, thecount is high.
Because you hold access to it,we can't take it legally.
Speaker 3 (06:02):
Okay, yeah, we're all
good dudes here, man Okay.
Speaker 4 (06:04):
We can't take it, we
can't have it if you don't give
it to us.
So when you open it up toeverybody, you decreasing your
value.
Speaker 2 (06:12):
There's such a good
saying for that to interject
real quick.
Speaker 1 (06:15):
Absolutely.
Speaker 2 (06:16):
They say a lock that
can be opened by every key.
It's a horrible lock Absolutely.
But a key that can open everylock as a master key, yeah man.
Speaker 4 (06:23):
So if you go around
doing it with everybody, and
some men are okay with that.
Speaker 3 (06:28):
Born stars get
married, you know right and the
guy knows.
But what are you looking for?
Essentially Because you'regoing to have to one day look at
that dude that you absolutelywant to be with, and whether or
not that person is going to wantto be with you is going to
depend, like you said, on yourpast.
Speaker 2 (06:47):
And his point's good
because it's the dynamic right.
Our perception is we want thewoman that no man has had, Right
?
That's our perception Almostimpossible, but the least that's
what we want.
And then what a woman wants isthe man that everybody wants.
They want what everybody wants.
We want what nobody's had,because we know intrinsically
(07:07):
that women have sex with whothey want.
Men have sex with who they canbecause, it takes more value.
So if you're having sex with allthese people, as a man, I mean
you got to be more valuable.
You got to have the place, yougot to have the character, you
got to have the game, you got tohave the social status.
All these things get built upfrom the ground.
Why does a woman get had sex orhave sex?
Because something she'snaturally born with her beauty.
(07:28):
That's why it's much harder fora man's journey to the hero
story than it is a woman,because a woman you can be born,
be pretty just because you'repretty.
But as a man you got toaccomplish a whole lot.
I think I look good.
I've never been on a yacht.
Speaker 4 (07:40):
Yeah, you took who
talked about the biology of it.
Was it I?
Was it Steph?
That is so true in our country,right?
And there's a thing If you'vehad many partners right and
you've been being proposed to,usually the women go see another
elder in the community,especially where I'm from, to
know how do I keep myselfhealthy, close to being a
(08:02):
virgin-like as possible?
For the first time, I'm with myhusband, because you understand
the dynamic.
It's not this society today.
That's the way it's been formillennia.
Speaker 1 (08:14):
That was going to be
my point.
I'm sorry I stole your point.
No, no, not completely, gotchayou.
Actually, it's a good segue forme because the answer to that
question is as old as the Bible.
It's funny how society wants tohold on to certain traditions
but totally reject others.
Where I'm going with this isthat women have a problem with
men being able to do certainthings that they can't and try
(08:36):
to make an equal footing.
It was never intended to beequal, so to try to view
yourself in the same prism of aman, is the, was the?
Is the false concept from thebeginning.
Right?
There's an emotional connectionwith every man that you sleep,
everyone, and I don't care whata woman says, oh, it was just
casual sex no, it's emotional,it's also spiritual.
Speaker 2 (08:57):
There's there's
energy exchange it is that's
really good that's good, it'sthe emotional and logical debate
because, like we both havedifferent grounds, it's like a
and logical debate because, likewe both have different grounds,
it's like a woman's more gifted, emotionally, right.
They have more of an eq thanmen typically have, a more of an
iq.
So, like a woman beingemotional, wait wait, hang on.
Speaker 3 (09:16):
I know what that
means, but I'm emotional.
Sure do you say we have more ofan iq?
Typically we lean towards it.
Yeah, the logic side of us.
I don't want it to bemisinterpreted as before yeah,
we didn't say we're smarter.
Speaker 1 (09:31):
We're saying that we
lean towards it in the heat of
the moment, right gotcha, we'regonna lean into our intelligence
, meaning men are pragmatic andwomen are emotional.
Speaker 2 (09:39):
That's just, that's
yes because the biggest thing
here is like a man's gonnaoperate in the moment because
logic is present.
To a woman's point, it's likethe second she has sex with one
person.
Well, now that past is going tobe remembered, the future is
going to be created.
And it wasn't just in thepresent moment where she
released and then she was likeokay, now I'm done onto the next
.
It's a lot harder for a womanto actually be promiscuous but
(10:02):
not have the damage that getsbuilt up in that process.
Good point.
Next question, number seven, iswhat are some reasons why a man
wouldn't see you as a wife, orwife material, but will still
spend a lot of time with you?
Speaker 3 (10:14):
and sleep with you?
Oh, she actually answered thatquestion in her question, right?
Because he's sleeping with youand spends time with you.
He already has the goods.
He doesn't need to see you aswife material.
You've made yourself intonon-wife material by accepting
certain things.
Speaker 4 (10:29):
And if you move one
question up just because you're
giving me access to it.
I'm not saying it's easy, butit's access.
Speaker 1 (10:36):
I'm just going to say
I'm sorry, I'm just going to
say simply for me it is the whatis required.
If you don't require anythingof me as a man, just easy for me
to be able to sleep with you,then you're going to get the
bareness of what you're askingfor.
But if you're not requiringanything of me, why would I see
(10:59):
you as anything other than apartner for sex?
And then you know, like I said,my wife, in order for us to go
to husband and wife status,there were certain requirements
of me, which is she set thosestandards?
Speaker 3 (11:11):
and she set the bar
and you had to right, you had to
, you had to meet that yeah.
Speaker 1 (11:16):
And any woman that
does not set a standard for
herself and then for her mate isis fooling herself to think
that this man is going to bewith her.
Men, by nature, are rulefollowers.
Right, and what I mean by thatis is that if there are
parameters set for us, thenwe're going to work within
within those parameters,whatever they may be, but if you
don't set parameters, we'll gorogue.
(11:38):
That's just.
That's just what we are.
I like that point, yeah youknow what I'm saying.
Speaker 3 (11:41):
But if you don't have
your own standards and rules,
so yeah, I, I'll just dowhatever.
Speaker 1 (11:44):
I'll do whatever,
right?
So you know, if there areboundaries, like don't call me
after 10 o'clock because I ain'tno booty call.
Okay, cool, I know not to callher.
Yeah, versus the woman who'slike oh, you can call me anytime
, guess what?
Hey, it's two o'clock in.
Oh better.
Speaker 3 (12:01):
Yet I'm downstairs.
Come open the door.
Speaker 4 (12:03):
Right, it's going
back to the point of
conversations.
Right, if you are looking for ahusband, you realize you may
not be looking for a wife, butyou live together and he's
sleeping with you.
By the way, you're sleepingwith him too.
Well, you have the conversationand close access Problem solved
.
But if you continue to let ithappen and you know he doesn't
(12:24):
see you as a wife, I'm sorry.
So who's?
Speaker 3 (12:27):
You're delusional,
right, because are you looking
for a husband?
If you are looking for ahusband, see, this is what I say
.
This shit drives me crazybecause I don't understand.
It seems simple now.
I guess you know we've all beenthere, we've all made the
mistakes, but you know Ishouldn't say all, because this
dude's younger than my kids andhe's not making a stupid ass
mistake.
So it really is a question ofmaturity.
It's a question of have youthought this shit through?
(12:49):
Because if you are dating, whatis your intention?
If I'm dating to have fun, thencool, that's what I'm doing.
If you're a woman and yourintention is I want to be
married, then you have thoseconversations.
You gotta know At date one ortwo, and not to say, hey, as
soon as you sit down with a guy,date one at Sizzlers, you're
(13:12):
going, you know you won't bemarried.
No, that's, don't scare anybodyoff like that.
But what is your intention?
The intention should be hey,this is what I eventually want
in the future, this is what I'mtrying to accomplish at some
point, right, let's see wherethis day goes.
But do you need to understandthat?
This is what my goals are?
And if the man is being honest,then you have to be able to tell
(13:32):
who that person is from thoseconversations.
That's what dating is for.
It's not just to go around andsleeping with people just like.
Figure this shit out by talkingto people, have conversations,
have several conversations, meetseveral times, have a walk at
the park with the person, seethat person in different
settings, different environmentsright, go to a play, go to a
movie, do different things andthen figure out what this person
really is, and it's totallyokay.
(13:52):
You're not wasting your time.
I think it's better.
I think we're not puttingenough of an emphasis on that
phase of the relationship.
That's where you can afford tomiss, not after you shacked up
with someone and now you'repregnant by this fool and now
he's a loser, he's all thesekind of.
Speaker 1 (14:11):
But I want to ask
something of what you just said,
right?
So the biggest thing is thiswomen, I'm gonna newsflash you,
okay, a mature man knows earlyif your wife material or not and
first five minutes and what hisintentions see.
Speaker 3 (14:19):
I was gonna say first
, you know, first week, first
couple of dates, and he saidfirst five minutes and I, and I
agree 100%.
Speaker 1 (14:26):
If a man if a man, if
I'll even go a step further,
and it's a different timetablefor every man.
If a man in the first sixmonths doesn't know your wife
material or doesn't feel likeyour wife material, you'll know
it by the way that he's treatingyou, where it becomes more
casual than intentional whenyou're sleeping with this dude
like you think you're.
Speaker 3 (14:45):
You know you're going
to change something.
You're not.
You're giving up a piece ofyourself, right?
If you understand how preciousyou are, right, how powerful you
are, how strong you are as awoman, and that's why I use as
the term I just use because youobviously don't know this and
you don't know this because noone told you, because you're not
doing the work on yourself,you're not reading, you're not
(15:06):
following the right people, butyou're sleeping with this person
.
You're wondering why he doesn'tthink your wife material.
I'm sorry if you could cut thatout if you want.
Speaker 4 (15:14):
It's playing the
victim, even just the question
itself.
He's sleeping with me.
You're sleeping with him too,right?
So I'm sorry, just like yourpoint, justin.
In five minutes we know quickstory my wife.
I met my wife in 2001, firstdate.
Speaker 3 (15:31):
I told her you're
gonna be my wife.
Dude, I hear that so much froma lot of dudes.
It doesn't scare women away.
Because it's like you, I loveit.
Because you were just like yeah, that's the man, that's the
woman I want to marry.
Well, you know what?
I got, I got, I'm sorry no, goahead.
Speaker 4 (15:42):
Go ahead with the.
But we had a conversation.
I said I have trust issuebecause my two previous
relationship after three andfour years that she did on me.
I'm like you're going to giveme some time.
I need four years from you.
If you agree with it, let'srock out.
If you don't, that could be ourlast date.
Guess what?
After four years, I proposedshe allowed me that time.
(16:03):
We had conversation, we said itI'm like I'm not moving for my
four years.
It's not because I'm headstrongor I'm hard-headed.
Speaker 3 (16:11):
I need to do the work
trust issues, yeah, which allow
you to be a better manessentially for her, because
you're not going to bring thebullshit and the baggage into
the relationship right okay itjust made sense.
I just want to know.
It's not me, yeah, but theconversation, though, was had
and you knew it.
But back to your point, youknew on date number one.
Speaker 4 (16:29):
Oh, five minutes.
Speaker 2 (16:30):
Same thing with my
listen with my wife.
Speaker 3 (16:31):
I knew like we had a
conversation, we talked and
after, really, I'm going to sayon her end, she ended up telling
me later she was just like Ithink it was like the third or
fourth conversation where sheshe got off the phone with me
and she basically was talking toher daughter and she was just
like I met my husband.
She knew right, but I knew himbefore.
(16:51):
She did right, you know, and Itold her the same thing.
I was like, of course I knew Iwas like this is the type of
woman I want in my life.
You know, if she had justallowed me to have all kinds of
access in certain things youknow, including sex, so just
expose me to everything, Maybe Iwould have, you know, I would
have seen her very, verydifferently.
Speaker 4 (17:07):
And I'm sorry.
I don't want people to think Ijust saw her and I'm like you're
going to be my wife.
I I knew her before.
Speaker 3 (17:13):
Yeah.
Speaker 4 (17:13):
You know we worked
together.
I've seen her, I watch her alittle bit, a little bit.
That sounds a little creepy,bro, no hey guess what it's.
Speaker 2 (17:28):
Sometimes that's what
we do for what we want, right?
It's 22 years later.
Come on, he's a hunter, not agatherer man.
Speaker 3 (17:30):
He's a hunter to all
the stalkers out here.
There's old man.
Hey, let me tell you I would.
She used to watch it for months.
She used to work.
Speaker 4 (17:38):
But that's what,
that's what the old, old time
used to be you, you know youcaught I know what you mean.
Watch him a little bit she usedto work at this leather store
that has this big glass window.
I used to just walk by just tosee if she's.
I'm like one thing I foundabout her that I like, going
back to the what I like abouther being so sexy all covered up
.
She used to wear tights all thetime, turtleneck, I mean.
(18:00):
She always cold.
She was wearing glove in thestore.
Yeah, I didn't see much as faras like the physical right thing
.
You know what I mean.
But I'm like, wow, there wasyou still.
She was so sexy, I'm like yeah,yeah, I want that in my life,
but I had to do the work tobring what she may want in a guy
yeah, men know, in five minutesand put you in the category of
(18:21):
increased associationmaintenance.
Speaker 2 (18:22):
Decreased association
, because some relationships are
on fun, some are on faith.
Faith is like I'm gonna water.
Of increased associationmaintenance.
Decreased association, becausesome relationships are on fun,
some are on faith.
Faith is like I'm going towater the seed every day and I
know the guard's not going to goovernight.
I know we're going to be inhere for four years.
I know I'm not going to havethe access that I would desire
because I know the race I'mrunning, but with fun.
Dude, I had a girl that spokestraight Spanish.
(18:42):
No habla espanol, but after 53days of Duolingo, I could,
because she would want to go outand dance, she would want to do
this, she would want to do that.
This woman didn't speak a lickof English, but I'd be like
you're going to be my wife Couldnever, but at the end of the
day, you know, the thing thatdid not get done, that I would
(19:04):
advise women to do is audit yourinteractions, not just your
taxes, not just your finances.
Audit your interactions.
Like, hey, when we go on ourdate nights, where is he taking
me?
Are we just going to the bargetting drunk and back to his
place?
When we're going on date nights, is he bringing me to the
church in the morning, thenbrunch with his Bible study?
Then it's a different type ofman.
If you want to weigh thecaliber, audit the interactions.
Speaker 1 (19:26):
Look at how he treats
you, how he talks about you to
his friends, though.
So before we end that, it goesback to what I was saying about
the creatures of comfort.
You get comfortable in arelationship because you're
comfortable with the man, but hehas no intention of marrying
you.
That's how you end up at 10years absolutely because you're
just comfortable and you don'twant to move on and you think
something's going to change.
Speaker 2 (19:41):
Great point it's not
going to happen.
It's a definition of insanitydoing the same thing over and
over again, but expecting adifferent outcome.
This question number eight ishow long should you take from
one relationship to startinganother?
Oh, that's individual.
Yeah, so that's subjective.
Speaker 3 (19:59):
And it also depends
on what happened in the last
relationship.
Well, let's say so.
I want to create a scenariohere.
So let's say it was a long-termrelationship, we're not talking
.
You dated someone for a year,you know, six months, whatever,
and now you're single.
How long should you wait?
Cause maybe there wasn't a lotthere?
But let's say you had a longrelationship with someone, three
plus years.
Let's say, in those three plusyears there was joint finances,
(20:21):
for example.
There were some things that youhad done and there was a lot
there.
Maybe you have a kid together,maybe you don't, but there was
enough that connected you inmore than a very superficial way
, right?
So let's say it was thatrelationship.
So now the questions I ask howlong should you take before you
move into another one?
I don't think that I have anumber.
I want to say you do need towork through the issues.
(20:42):
You need to work throughclosure on yourself.
You don't have to go grab theguy and be like, hey, we need to
have an exit interview, but youdo need to work through certain
things.
Right, I could have just saiduntil you're ready, same answer
Until you're ready?
Speaker 2 (20:55):
yeah, Even in
short-term relationships.
Speaker 1 (20:57):
But how do you know,
though?
So, like Delvon, delvon said heneeded four years, he knew what
time he needed.
Well, you go yeah and you knowyourself and for me I needed.
When I got divorced I said Iwasn't going to get married
again till I was 35.
When that happened, I was weseparated when I was 29 and I
actually did get married at 35,so it was like a six-year window
(21:18):
and there was a relationship inthere and it was like that
person wanted to press me andchange me and try to, you know,
surpass the timeline.
And we broke up.
I said, look, I told you whenthis started I'm just getting
out of a marriage, I'm notgetting into another one.
Yeah, and if that's what you'rehere for and that's going to be
your, your, your deal breaker,then the deal is already broken,
(21:40):
because there's nothing you'regoing to do to speed up my
timetable to fit yours, becausethere's nothing you're going to
do to speed up my timetable tofit yours.
Right, you know.
So I would say that number isbased upon, you know, wherever
you feel like you need it to be.
Speaker 4 (21:52):
Yeah, don't rush it,
but know yourself and know what
needs to happen.
I mean, I'm so grateful for mywife because I really didn't
want to go into anotherlong-term relationship.
Then I would be in close to my30s.
Then I'm still dating.
I was ready, but I needed thattime to find myself because I
wanted the next one to be theone and then she allowed me that
(22:14):
.
Speaker 3 (22:14):
So from a female
perspective, who's asking how
long should she wait?
And so you've worked throughyour issues, and I'll use it
myself as an example.
When I got out of my firstmarriage, I felt like a kid in a
candy store.
I was free, I was going to date, I'm in Atlanta, I needed to
work through some things and Iwill tell you, when I met my
second wife, everything was good, but there was some work that I
hadn't done on myself and Ineeded more time.
(22:35):
I didn't realize it thenbecause I was angry, not because
it had ended, because I wasthere for so long.
I was so mad.
Delha remembers me from thosedays, man, when we were in the
band together.
I was always stressed, I wasalways mad, I was unhappy, worst
time of my life, right.
So when I got out of that, Istill would be triggered by
certain things, and a quick andeasy telltale sign would be if I
(22:59):
lost my temper dealing with myex Right.
So that means that even thoughI'm totally over that
relationship, I'm not ready tobe in another relationship
because I'm still carryingemotions from that, my own
trauma, I'm still upset, orwhatever it is, because I'm just
like I hate the fact that Iwasted all my time.
I can't believe I was with thisperson and blah, blah, blah.
(23:21):
So even the thought of her evenjust having a conversation
about her.
If I'm on the phone with her,I'm over here, I'm just like
lashing out Now she and I wecould have good conversations.
She's cool, she's actually agreat person.
She just wasn't the person forme, right?
So it had nothing to do withher specifically.
We were never meant to betogether and we were both trying
(23:43):
to force a square peg in around hole, or however the
saying goes right.
It didn't make any sense.
And then I got to a point wherenothing would upset me.
It all depends on how you'refeeling when you're thinking
about the last person and areyou still triggered by some of
the things that's happened inthat old relationship.
Once you're past all of that,then you're ready for the next
(24:04):
one.
For some people it's three days.
For some people it's three days.
For some people it's threeyears.
Do the work?
Speaker 4 (24:09):
I would say do the
work.
Yeah, that's it.
Speaker 1 (24:11):
Some of the stuff
you're never going to get past.
It's just lessons that you holdand you keep.
Speaker 2 (24:16):
Sure.
Speaker 1 (24:17):
And I pray that it
never happens where me and my
wife ever separated.
But I don't know that I wouldhave the same emotions and
internal struggle as I hadleaving the first one, because
the first one was a cataclysmicfailure for me, because I was a
person that wasn't used tofailure.
Speaker 2 (24:34):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (24:34):
As you grow older you
learn to have a perspective
about events and failures andthings of that nature Correct,
and you move through them, butat 28 years old it was the
toughest thing that I've everhad to separate from in life is
another age where you think youknow everything too.
You know which is why I set theparameter that my next one
wouldn't be until I was 35,because I'm a staunch believer
(24:56):
in I think it's darwin's theorywhere you evolve every seven
years.
So I knew I was coming to thatnext transition and I didn't
want anybody as a mate while Iwas going through that
transition.
Speaker 2 (25:09):
Good deal, Next one
brother, I'm going to ask it,
then I'm going to answer itimmediately.
There you go, go for it.
It says.
Is it ever the woman's fault ifa man cheats?
Hell yeah, no, it's not.
Let me give you an example.
Speaker 3 (25:25):
I give you multiple
examples.
No, I totally disagree with you, but I'll start on the first
one cause and effect.
So you said ever is it everokay, so so remove ever from it,
but no it's an ever.
It is, it is.
She did ask is it ever?
A woman's fault if a man cheeseever.
Speaker 4 (25:43):
Yeah, you're you
saying yes to, and I disagree so
not just yeah, hell yeah,that's what he said.
Don't forget the emphasis.
Speaker 2 (25:50):
No, I'm not agreeing,
but that's what he said because
to the point I mean, um,there's, I can give almost like
infinite hypotheticals of thecause, literally of the cause.
There could be a promiscuouswoman that settled down from her
past and invites a threesome in.
That's cheating.
She was like no, we're justdrunk, we're from the you have
(26:10):
to this in my bed.
Speaker 1 (26:11):
What kind of circles
you hanging?
Speaker 2 (26:13):
out hypotheticals, a
bunch of hypotheticals he said
he partied in nashville.
Speaker 3 (26:16):
Yeah, a lot that was
nashville lived in, but no, yeah
she just casually invited.
Speaker 1 (26:22):
Hey, honey, I want to
have a threesome tonight.
What?
Speaker 2 (26:24):
but no, the thing
could be her forcing that.
Obviously there's two sides ofthe coin when you talk about the
woman cheats on him first andit's almost like the pity that
he's taking out by going anddoing the same thing.
But yet again, that can also beconsidered the man's fault,
right?
You can say it's the cause andeffect and she caused it, but
then he acted on it.
So there's two sides of thatcoin and I can play the advocate
(26:47):
of both.
Speaker 1 (26:47):
I agree with justin
that there are certain
circumstances when it is herfault.
Speaker 4 (26:51):
When it is her fault
of course it's gonna be always
sometimes somebody's fault, butI don't think it's always the
women's fault and never, never,always, absolutely so we're not
saying always right.
Speaker 3 (27:01):
So so you're saying
that there are times where she
cheats and it's her fault.
Oh, he cheats, he cheats, I'msorry.
There are times that she cheatsand it's her fault.
Oh, he cheats, I'm sorry.
There are times that he cheatsand it's the man's fault.
Speaker 4 (27:10):
No, I'm really not
agreeing with it, but I'm pretty
sure, because what happened tomaturity?
We don't have to let somebodychange who you are.
I think we responsible for ourown action Agreed, dude.
Speaker 3 (27:32):
That's what I was
going to say.
That's why I disagreedvehemently with what that?
You know the answer?
Because here's the thing, right, who I am is who I am.
I'll give you a great example.
I had my heart brokenimmediately when it happened.
I said I'm going to be thiskind of guy from this point on
this I'm going to be, andwhatever, whatever, right.
And I was just ready to justlike break hearts.
That's why I was going to be,cause I was, you know, not happy
with the way things had turnedout for me.
And then, through time andtalking to the right people, and
(27:53):
even just through meditationand realizing myself, but I'm
not that way.
That's not who I am.
So what happened should notforce me into being something
that I'm not.
Speaker 4 (28:02):
But, seth, now I have
some time to think about it.
I have to agree with Justinbecause, yeah, you may not have
the mental capacity to not letsomebody make you do something
sometimes, so a woman may causeyou to cheat.
Speaker 1 (28:19):
It's going to be
based off of cheating.
How does a woman be cheated?
Speaker 3 (28:22):
Okay, so the
28-year-old me.
Speaker 1 (28:24):
If a woman cheated on
me, I'm cheating on you back.
Speaker 3 (28:26):
No listen.
Speaker 2 (28:27):
I want to give the
guy a reason.
I know your point.
I know, your point.
Speaker 3 (28:29):
So listen, you're
talking to Steph today.
Yes, right.
Speaker 2 (28:33):
It's a very different
person.
Speaker 3 (28:35):
So to the ladies,
listen to Uncle Steph.
Speaker 2 (28:39):
So here's what I'm
saying right.
Speaker 3 (28:40):
And so today, and we
all say this, we've all said
this, youth is wasted on theyoung.
If we can go back 20 years, 30years, with what we know today,
what kind of life we would have?
We all say this so, with thatknowledge, because the question
is being asked of us at our agetoday is it ever her fault?
If a man cheats?
And I will tell you that Istill hold on to the fact that
(29:03):
it's not because I am who I amand you shouldn't govern what I
do.
Yeah, if you ask 20 year oldSteph, this question of 25 is a
very different reason.
Right, I didn't need a reason,but the ever kind of.
Speaker 4 (29:15):
I'm going to give a
good counter argument.
Speaker 2 (29:16):
The second he
finishes.
I know why you're agreeing withme, I'm going to wait till.
He's finished with that, though.
Speaker 1 (29:20):
And I got it.
Go for it.
I'm good, okay.
Speaker 2 (29:22):
This is the reason
why he agrees with me, because I
know at first why he didn't.
Also, because of what you saidthe responsibility.
Responsibility and fault aretwo different things.
It can sometimes be the woman'sfault, but a man should always
hold responsibility because amature man is going to step out
of the relationship because hegot disrespected.
Agreed, because you're a matureman, we're mature men, we know
a boundary has been crossed thatcan never be built back up on.
(29:44):
We get that.
We move on and build a newfoundation with a loyal woman,
because loyalty comes fromoptions and exercising
faithfulness with said options.
That's not a faithful woman ifshe had options and entertain
them in any capacity.
So that's a woman cheating.
Now for a man to go back andcheat on her immature, yes, but
does that change whose fault thecause was?
Speaker 3 (30:04):
because if I stood,
stood up now, so the key word
there, the operative word, wasfault.
Well, in that case I agree.
Speaker 1 (30:10):
I need you to go back
and clarify what you mean by
options, because that's going toget lost in this recording here
.
Speaker 2 (30:16):
Options is great,
because the more value you have,
the more options you have.
Right, because let me ask you aquestion, or I'll ask you two.
A question about him.
If he went into a store full ofapples and every time he walked
out with apples, will we go?
Damn, that's a faithful man.
We'd be like he got no access.
Speaker 3 (30:33):
Of course he's
walking out with apples.
Speaker 2 (30:34):
There's no option Now
if he walked down to the
supermarket where they gotapples, bananas and oranges and
he still only came out withapples.
That's a loyal man, yes.
Why?
Because he was tested?
Why Because he had opportunity?
Why Because, even with setoptions, he still choose the
action of sticking to one setthing.
If I was with the woman and Ididn't have looks, money, status
(31:00):
game, a good social circle,nice car, and I'm in Kansas,
right, so I really don't gotoptions and she's, like my
baby's, so loyal.
I love me some Justin and heloves him some me.
Well, she don't know if I wentdown to Miami and I seen a
Victoria.
Speaker 3 (31:09):
I may be a little
different right, because now I
got options.
Speaker 2 (31:16):
Now my money gets
bigger and my looks get better,
because now I can go to the gymand all of a sudden, now I start
to get some game, because Ilearned from the OGs the way to
navigate.
Well then it's different.
Well, the second that you wentdown to miami with him and he
was your boyfriend, he cheatedthe first weekend.
Why?
Because now he got options.
Now he went to the fruit marketinstead of just the?
Speaker 1 (31:30):
u market I like that,
yeah, which is why ladies don't
come to atlanta with me to thefall thing, because that was the
question.
Speaker 2 (31:39):
It's like if I stood
up and I tripped over your foot,
I would say that's myresponsibility.
I should have looked for yourfoot and hit it, but it's your
fault for sticking your foot outif you were.
Speaker 3 (31:48):
So the operative word
again.
She asked the question bysaying is it ever a woman's
fault, Correct?
So then, in that case, theanswer is yes.
Speaker 2 (31:54):
Maybe not
responsibility.
Speaker 3 (31:56):
However, I will say
to women to not take it upon
themselves.
Like, don't do dumb shit.
But if you, if a man becauseit's not just a cheating right,
because obviously it's, in thatcase you don't have the leg to
stand on.
But let's say the man cheatsbecause of something else.
Let's say he says I don't haveenough sex with you, that's why
I cheated.
That's good, that's not yourfault, right, there's a
(32:17):
discussion to be had and we talkabout how often yeah, what's
worked, what works in ourrelationship, not so much what
the status quo is, but whatworks in our relationship and
that discussion is then keep tothat.
But if he says, well, I know wetalk about three times a week,
but I kind of needed a fourthand I stepped out because you're
not willing to, oh, you don'tdress this way, you don't do
this, that's not your fault.
(32:38):
I don't want a young woman tothink that we're going out and
we're looking for excuses andshit like that, because it
doesn't forgive the action we'regiven a hypothetical
extremities.
Speaker 1 (32:46):
So let's get to the
root of that question.
That question was asked becausemen have always said why
wouldn't have cheated on you ifyou hadn't done this?
true and so they begin to feellike well, is it really my fault
that he cheated on me, or andis that a valid excuse?
And then is that enough for meto change the action?
So I will tell all women thisthe first time you give a man
license to cheat, you've givenhim license to cheat for a
(33:08):
lifetime.
So if you accept that, thenknow that it's going to be
accepted, ongoing.
It's a new foundation youcreate, right Because you moved
the bar Boom.
The next part of it is, thougheven if it quote unquote is your
fault you have to make thedecision on whether or not
you're going to stay in thatrelationship, because now you've
moved the bar on it.
That's the maturity aspect.
Yeah, so is he the man for you?
(33:30):
Maybe, maybe, not For sure.
Next question.
Speaker 2 (33:33):
Last question, it
says long one.
My partner says he isn'tcomfortable crying to me or
breaking down period Becausewomen don't really create that
safe place and use a man'svulnerability against them.
How can I create that safespace?
I know I wouldn't use anythingagainst him.
Is there anything I can do tomake him more comfortable, or is
(33:53):
it just a man thing to not cryor break down in front of their
other?
First of all, that's bs this is.
Speaker 1 (34:01):
This is the thing you
don't really want to see.
Speaker 2 (34:03):
You don't want to see
your man crying ever the second
, your man cries or gets knockedout in front of you.
That's not your man, right?
Right, you're gonna be, you'regonna be knocked out so I mean
you.
Speaker 1 (34:14):
You think you want to
see him cry, but you really
don't know.
If he's sitting up there cryingup over bills, then you're
gonna be like what's wrong withit.
But I will give you guys aself-example.
That just happened.
Right seven months ago I was inan accident and I ruptured both
my patella tendons so Icouldn't walk.
I was in a wheelchair, couldn'twipe my own ass.
You know it was a difficultsituation.
(34:35):
Just standing up for me broughtme to tears.
But I'm 18 years in.
Even if I was six months in, itprobably would have still
brought me to tears.
That physical pain andsuffering to bring you to tears
is different from you being anemotional wreck and just crying
at the drop of a dime that'sgood so what I would tell women
it would be the matter or themanner in which this man spouse
(35:00):
is is emoting, so to speak.
So if he's just an emotionalwreck where he cries at the drop
of a dime this, that and theother, he might want to have
some concerns.
The fact that I could bevulnerable in that situation
with my wife strengthened whatwas already a strong bond
because I knew that she wouldn'tjudge me because I was
(35:22):
physically unable to controlthis at this point because of
the physical pain.
I was physically unable tocontrol this at this point
because it was of the because ofthe physical pain I was
enduring, versus just being anemotional wreck, yeah.
Speaker 2 (35:33):
I want to tie that
into this because that was great
.
It's like the.
The matter of why he's actuallycrying is such a big indicator
of the man himself.
Speaker 3 (35:40):
Is it because the
sunset is so beautiful and he's
just like he's crying?
He's at the dolphins.
Speaker 2 (35:45):
Come on man.
Yeah, that would be crazy.
But now it's the woman'squestion of how can I create
that safe space, for when it'san emotional thing, he can feel
comfortable crying, or even inthe sense of it's a physical
thing, how can he feelcomfortable enough around me to
cry?
You touched on a great becauseyou said it's the time it's like
that.
I think it's zig ziglar who saidit people don't care how much
you know until they know howmuch you care.
(36:05):
Well, you're going to know alot about me if you see me that
vulnerable, if you see me cry,if you see me weep, all those
things.
I don't feel comfortable withyou knowing that side of me.
Unless I know you care.
How do you know if a person'scare From love, which is
sacrifice, and from trust, whichis through time?
So if you want your man to feellike you're the safe space you
got to give him both love andtrust.
If he doesn't have those twothings with you, it doesn't
(36:26):
matter.
He's not going to feelcomfortable.
He'll go into a closet or abathroom or turn around from you
because he doesn't feelcomfortable or vulnerable enough
for you to know that side ofhim.
Speaker 3 (36:34):
That's why we walk
out.
Yeah, that's why we storm out.
We we may want to go cry, butwe're not going to do it in
front of you.
So we storm out and maybe it's.
Or we redirect the emotion andturn it from sadness to anger
and something else.
We mask it.
The true emotion is not evenwhat you're seeing.
You're seeing something elseand there's something much
deeper.
I don't know that we haveevolved enough as a society.
(36:57):
Women have, or are capable yetof creating that space where
that man can feel that he canshow these emotions and feelings
.
Women say they want that, theywant that emotion.
They say, hey, show me all ofyou, show me who you are, show
me who you are naked.
And the second you do.
You are looked at differently,biologically, I think.
What happens is, I think thatthey feel unsafe because you're
(37:20):
still supposed to be this armorand this shield.
Speaker 1 (37:23):
And then the shield
is not broken because look at
you I don't understand thatquestion from the standpoint of
why women want to see their mencry.
Speaker 2 (37:31):
Either it's movies
it's too much hallmark movies.
That's what it is.
It's too much fairy tales,because you said it great and
then you added on to it to makeit the best.
It's like the second a womandoes see you cry.
You're not the same man.
You don't have the same shield,you're not the same protector,
and to your point, why are youcrying?
Right, yes, yes, a parent died.
You're crying, that's normal,right, yes, but like, hey, you
know, like crying over her yeah,over her.
Speaker 3 (37:52):
Crying over a
situation, crying over this,
crying over her will definitelynot, not fucking work, bro.
Speaker 2 (37:59):
And this is like my
thing, because like go ahead now
, go ahead.
Speaker 4 (38:02):
No, I was about to
say I don't think I have that
bone in my body to cry oversomebody like that.
Speaker 2 (38:07):
No, and I've never
had a girlfriend, so I've never
been in that place of like yeah,but you're 12.
Basically, wait a minute, waita minute.
Speaker 1 (38:16):
Stop.
Piece of tarpons.
Speaker 2 (38:18):
Never, what Never,
I've had my dates and I've gone
on dates with girls, meaninghe's never given someone the
title.
Never given the title, nevergiven the time, never given the
attention, never becausecapacity, like I've always been
busy doing.
Speaker 1 (38:33):
We can move on.
Yeah, absolutely, we can comeback to that, no, that and this
next thing.
Speaker 2 (38:37):
We're going to come
back to that.
Okay, I'm emotional to anextent.
People know me.
I'm very futuristic, where Ican reflect on the good memories
, but I'm also beyond logical,like I'm just the hard ass, the
person that's strict, static,and I know what's right from
what's wrong, and I always tryto be the righteous man we're
called to be.
That doesn't do anything.
The only thing it does is putyou in a weaker position as a
(38:58):
man if you do that for the wrongreasoning, to tie all of our
points in.
Speaker 1 (39:02):
What I will say,
though as you get older, you are
more in touch or vulnerablewith your emotions.
That's true, and the reasons Ithink it is for it has become
that way for me is once my daddied, I was able to see
perspective on mortality I don'teven know if steph knows this.
Like my dad passed away, he was97 years old, so that means he
(39:23):
had me when he was 50.
So so the only gift I wantedfor my 50th birthday was to
spend my birthday with him,right, because we would have
been the same age as when he hadme, so he would have been 100.
And my wife and my familyunderstood the emotion that I
had when my 50th birthday cameand I didn't have a party, and
(39:43):
they were like everybodycelebrates their 50th, I don't
want one.
And they thought I would changemy mind, and I did not.
I didn't cry over it.
It was another day.
It came and it went, becausethe only present that I wanted I
could not have it came and went, and they just still they kind
of still talk about it.
Speaker 3 (39:59):
You know, like you
know okay, I don't know, you
know, I might but yeah you needto.
I like parties, I like I need tocome and I need to be over at
the house.
So that's what's up.
But I, I definitely I agreewith you.
You know.
You know I talked about thisbefore I lost my dad, june of
last year.
Never had a chance to reconcile, never had a conversation, kind
(40:22):
, kind of like what you said,delva.
I just and I'm on the side ofthe highway, you know, not able
to come home and tore up, youknow, in ways that I never even
thought possible, right.
So, yeah, you, that showingthat weakness of vulnerability
(40:49):
and how you really feel, even ina space where you would think
is safe, innately, we know notto do it and when we do do it,
even though technically we'rebeing told, yeah, you should, my
experience and what I've seenwith other dudes is, and even
just talking to women, they'lltell you I'm not interested in
(41:10):
seeing that shit.
I don't know why I even askedfor it.
Speaker 2 (41:12):
I want him to be soft
.
I want him to show something.
Speaker 3 (41:13):
I think what it is.
This is what happens.
I'll tell you what it is.
What.
What happens is this right, youtake a guy like leon, for
example.
Leon is one of the mosttraditional, toughest dudes on
the planet that I've ever met,does not waver, makes up his
mind and I don't know who tochange it.
But if he says something'sgoing to happen, I'm not even
going to bother having adiscussion with that dude
because just forget it.
Right, it's done.
(41:33):
So when you have someone likethat, who doesn't show emotion
as a woman, you're going to tryto pull that out of that person
because he's too stoic, he's toostrong, he's too hard, right,
kind of like you just, andyou're very stoic.
In that sense, everything'slogic, logic, logic.
So you try to pull that out ofthat person.
You're trying to find, as awoman, you're trying to find a
way to communicate better and toconnect better, or a
(41:55):
vulnerability.
Yeah, you think that's what youwant, so you're pushing for it,
and then that person releasesand you realize, oh, I don't
like that shit at all.
Right, I don't like that.
Who the hell is this?
I don't know that there is asafe space that you can create
for the, for that dude um, workon, you know, work on having
those conversations, but, at theend of the day, understand that
there is a reason.
(42:16):
We as men are very, very, youknow, hesitant to ever show you
that side and a lot of time.
Speaker 4 (42:25):
The women are the
number one reason why we're not
like that, because they'realways looking for somebody
strong that side and a lot oftime.
The women are the number onereason why we're not like that,
because they're always lookingfor somebody strong that could
be a protector.
If I'm crying every second, howthe hell am I gonna protect you
exactly?
Speaker 3 (42:37):
you know what I mean
like, but at the same time, you
know, what's really cool aboutthese questions is each one
could literally spark anhour-long discussion.
We had so much more to say buthad to kind of cut it down for
the sake of time.
We really appreciate you,ladies, sending in those
questions and your thoughts sothat we may offer our own
(42:59):
expertise, wisdom and experienceto kind of guide you through a
lot of what you guys are goingthrough.
Please remember that this againis a three-part series.
I'm saying three parts buthonestly we still have 10 more
questions to get through andwe'll see.
It might be a four-part series,but right now I'm going to say
three and maybe we'll release abonus episode middle of the week
(43:23):
.
If this has helped you in anyway or if you have found it
entertaining, even, or even ifyou just disagree, if you're
just in your car listening tothis and arguing and debating us
, shoot me an email atmanhoodmatterspodcast at
gmailcom.
Let me know why you agree ordisagree, as your feedback is
(43:44):
extremely critical and very,very important to us.
And one more thing you canreally do to help the show is
share this episode with oneperson that this may speak to.
You all know someone out therewho is doing something that you
might think is crazy and theymight not listen to you, but
another set of lips saying theexact same thing may go a very
(44:06):
long way.
Of lips saying the exact samething may go a very long way.
So make sure you guys check innext Monday and take part in the
conversation, continuing ourseries on answering questions
from women under 30.
We love you, we appreciate you,we'll catch you next week.
Peace.