August 5, 2025 • 21 mins
Men's worst-kept secret is that we turn to all kinds of vices and escapisms in order to cope with life's hardships.
From porn to substance use, workaholism, humor as denial, and isolation, we dissect how these behaviors inhibit true manhood.
Learn actionable steps to build strong male friendships, incorporate faith, and take small real-world steps to confront and overcome these challenges.
00:00 The Burden of Modern Manhood
01:42 Vices and Medications: Coping Mechanisms
03:01 The Pervasiveness of Porn
08:18 Alcohol and Drugs: Numbing the Pain
09:46 Workaholism: Escaping Through Labor
11:12 Sarcasm and Humor: Avoidance Strategies
12:30 Isolation: The Silent Retreat
14:30 Steps Towards Real Solutions
16:33 Incorporating Faith and Building Connections
20:18 Conclusion and Resources
💪 Want to know how you measure up as a man? Take our free quiz, called How Manly Are You? and learn how you can get better at being a man. Download for free at manhoodtribes.com/manly. 💪
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
All right men, it's time to getreal here on the Manhood Tribes
Channel.
Today we're gonna talk aboutsome of the nasty things going
on in all of our lives, becausehere at Manhood Tribes, we have
for a while now been talkingabout why does life feel so hard
for us as men, and is it.
Really as hard as we actuallythink it is, and the answer to
(00:21):
that basically is yes, life isdifficult for us as men.
In particular, it seems to onlybe getting more difficult and
the weight of things that we arehaving to carry as men is really
only increasing.
But what we're doing with all ofthat difficulty.
Most of us as men is that we areturning to other things to try
(00:42):
to lighten the load a littlebit, to help us be able to
endure the pain or just increasea little bit of pleasure in the
moment, and so we need to.
Try to talk about those things.
We need to be honest aboutwhat's going on in our world
today with us as men, becausethere's a lot of hiding taking
place.
(01:02):
There's a lot of things going onbehind closed doors that we as
men aren't always comfortablebeing able to talk about, but
we're doing them, and so we needto talk about them.
That's the point of this channelis to say that as men, it only
helps us to be able to bringthings that are in the dark, out
into the light.
That's the way that we actuallyget better at being a man.
So to that end.
(01:23):
My name is Don Ross.
I'm the host here at the ManhoodTribes Channel, and what I try
to do here at Manhood Tribes isa few things.
I try to give you a clear visionof what it means to be a man.
I try to give you a clearchallenge to develop strong male
friendships, and I try topresent you with a clear path on
how you can do both of thosethings.
Now as we're talking about thisclear vision of what it means to
(01:46):
be a man today, we're gonna talkabout some things that I think
get in the way of that, thatactually inhibit us from
becoming the kind of men that wereally do want to be.
These are things that are, we'llcall'em vices or we'll call'em.
Medications.
Not in the like pill sense,although it might be that, but
just things that we kind of turnto to numb the pain a little
(02:09):
bit.
When the pain factor in life isratcheting up really high, all
of us as guys will tend to turnto some things to help just kind
of alleviate life a little bit,to escape, to lighten up, to
just experience a little bit ofpleasure in the midst of that
pain.
But as we turn to those things,we're actually finding ourselves
(02:32):
starting to get trapped by them.
They start to become things thatwe can't really get away from,
or we're depending on them morethan we thought that we needed
to.
And because of that, those arethe things that we actually need
to start talking about.
So in this video, I want to tryto address five of those things
that we tend to turn to five ofthose numbing substances that we
(02:55):
as men tend to kind of favor asthe way to be able to deal with
the hardships of life.
All right, so number one, no bigsurprise here.
The biggest thing that men inour culture today tend to turn
to, to help alleviate the painin their world is porn.
You probably knew that that wascoming.
The statistics don't lie.
(03:16):
Nearly every man that you know,and women, if you're watching,
and I hope some of you are.
This is true.
Nearly every man that you knowhas experienced and used porn at
some point in time in theirlife, and most of the men that
you know, most of the men thatyou know are actively using porn
(03:38):
on some kind of regular basis tosay that porn is pervasive.
Is an understatement.
It's everywhere.
And for guys in particular,although it's not just a male
issue, porn is increasingly afemale issue as well.
But for males in particular,porn is an almost universal
issue.
It affects nearly.
(03:58):
Every man, it's been a part ofmy story and on this channel,
I'm gonna share more of thatstory at some point in time.
But today I just want us to behonest about the fact that porn
is a nearly universal part ofmen's stories.
It is something that we learnedto turn to at a very early age,
and the freedom of access thatwe have to it because of the
(04:19):
internet has made it so that anyof us can get it.
Porn is a source of pleasure formen, and that's why we tend to
turn to it.
It makes us feel good.
We use it as a way to be able tojust experience some really good
feelings for a little while whenlife kind of sucks in a whole
lot of other ways.
(04:39):
The problem with porn that Ithink we have all encountered is
that it brings with it a wholelot of other baggage.
So for all the joy or all thepleasure that it might bring for
just a little while, it bringsalong a whole bunch of other
things as well.
I.
Some of that can just be shameover feeling like you've done
something that you wish that youdidn't, or feeling like you're
(04:59):
the kind of person who looks atporn and you wish that you
weren't that kind of man.
Or it might be other thingsthat, uh, are really getting in
the way of the way that you liveyour life.
Porn can have some realinhibiting factors on a whole
bunch of other things.
The more that you use it, themore that it starts to get in
the way of real liferelationships.
(05:19):
Whether that's just sucking upyour time and taking away your
time of interacting with realpeople to actually affecting
your ability to relateintimately with another woman.
And I'm not just talking aboutsex, although I am talking about
that too.
It takes away your ability toknow how to be able to engage
intimately with another person.
And when you do get to thatplace of trying to interact
(05:42):
sexually with another woman,porn can have some impact there
as well.
It can make you imagine what sexis supposed to be like and then
when you encounter the realthing, it doesn't quite live up
to what you've seen in all ofthe videos.
And because of that, it can makereal life sex feel like
something of a disappointment.
It doesn't actually feel as goodas you thought that it might or
(06:02):
it doesn't.
Your relationship with a womandoesn't look like what those
porn relationships looked like,and so you're not really sure
what to make of that.
Porn can become so much of aninhibitor that it actually
affects your performance in thebedroom.
Your dick can get so used to thefeeling of your hand that when
it encounters the feeling of areal life vagina, it doesn't
(06:24):
know what to do.
I know.
Crazy, right?
But that's an actual real thingthat many men are dealing with.
It's erectile dysfunction thatcomes from overuse of porn and
over masturbation from porn.
It's a real thing.
It's a real problem.
I think all of these are thingsthat are downsides to porn, and
(06:45):
I hope that we as a culture arestarting to get to the place
where we're talking about thosekinds of things, enough that
we're all collectively beginningto realize, Hey, all this free
access to sex on video reallyisn't a good thing for us.
There was a while there whereour culture thought like this
was the greatest thing ever andwe can enjoy it as much as we
want to, and what are the sideeffects?
(07:05):
It's not harming anybody, but Ithink we're kind of finally at
the place where we're realizing,yeah, it's harming everybody and
it's time for us to be able totake a break from it.
Now, here's the thing, if youwant to be able to experience
some freedom from porn, this isone of the most difficult things
that you as a man mightencounter.
Getting free from porn is areally difficult thing to do,
(07:28):
but one of the things that it isabsolutely going to take of you
is talking about it.
You're going to have to behonest about what your porn
habit looks like, why you'relooking at the things that
you're looking at when you tendto look at the things that
you're looking at, like what'sgoing on in your world when
those things are true.
And the reality is most of us asguys don't have those kinds of
(07:48):
people in our life that we cantalk to.
I.
So you're going to need to beginto cultivate some of those
friendships.
Go back to a few videos thatI've had on this channel where I
talk about developing a tribe ordeveloping close friends and
figure out how you can start tomove towards some of those kinds
of friendships, because you'regoing to need them in your life
if you're going to stand achance of breaking away from
(08:08):
porn.
Okay, porn's the number onething, and I've spent the most
time on it, but it's certainlynot the only thing.
So let me try to cover numberstwo through five a little bit
quicker than I've spent on justnumber one.
Now, number two, I would justkind of lump together the whole
category of alcohol and drugs,any other kind of substance that
you are turning to regularly tojust numb the pain to use as
(08:31):
some kind of medication.
And maybe in this case, you areactually turning to some kind of
pills as a way to be able tomedicate in your life.
Now this might be something thatyou do on an occasional basis,
and to you it feels like it'snot a big deal.
But what I want to highlight toyou is that if you are using a
substance to be able to cut theedge of pain in your life, you
(08:52):
probably are experiencing toomuch pain.
Your life is filled with morestress than you are meant.
To be able to hold and turningto a substance to be able to cut
the edge of that pain isactually not helping you.
It might make you feel good fora little while, but it's not
helping you be able to deal withthe things that you're having to
(09:14):
face.
So whether that's a couple beersat night after you get home from
work, or you've got this stashof weed that your family doesn't
know about, that you use on theweekends, or you know, whatever
it is for you, it can really beanything.
Whatever you're using to takethe edge off of life is not
actually helping you be able todeal with the stress and the
pain that you're facing.
(09:35):
It's just providing you with alittle bit of relief for the
moment, and that's not actuallya solution.
Number three.
Sometimes it's not a substanceat all.
It's actually just more work.
The number of guys that turn tosome form of workaholism or just
extra work as a way to be ableto cope with the pain of life is
(09:57):
surprisingly high.
Many of us as men find ouridentities in our work.
That's where we feel like we'rethe most successful, where we
feel like we're the most needed,where we feel like we're the
most seen and the mostcelebrated, and the most prized,
and the most affirmed for all ofthe things that we contribute.
And then in our home life, wedon't get that nearly that same
(10:17):
kind of satisfaction.
We can, in our workplace, we cankind of follow a formula.
If I put in this kind of effortand do these sorts of things, I
know I'm gonna get rewarded inthese ways.
But the rest of life, andespecially our home life or our
marriage and family life, itdoesn't look like that at all.
It's not nearly as formulaic.
You can't just do these thingsor have these conversations with
(10:38):
your wife and expect it to payoff in the same way that work
can.
And so for a lot of us guys, weturn to.
Extra work because we know it'sa reliable way to produce some
rewards and some pleasures inour life, and it keeps us away
from a lot of those moreunpredictable situations.
Other people and otherrelationships that don't follow
those same kind of formulas.
(11:00):
We don't feel as successful inour family as we do in our work.
And so it's easy to turn toworkaholism as a way to numb the
pain or to avoid the stress ofother places in our lives.
Number four.
This one might be a little bitmore of a surprise, but I've
called this one Sarcasm andHumor.
Now for a lot of guys, one ofthe ways to sort of avoid
(11:22):
dealing with the reality of howpainful life is, is just to joke
about all of it.
To make fun of all of it, tomake light of how hard life is,
is for some guys a way of notactually having to deal with how
hard life is.
If everything is a joke, thennothing is actually as painful
as it really might be, but thishonestly is just a form of
(11:46):
denial.
It's really just an avoidancestrategy.
Guys who joke about everything,rarely deal with anything head
on.
It's kind of, and forgive meguys, if this is your strategy,
it's kind of a cowardly thing todo.
It's not actually facing up tothe difficulties in your life
and trying to move through them.
(12:07):
It's just a way of trying toavoid how painful they are and
not having to deal with them.
But for a lot of guys, sarcasmand humor plays that role in
their lives.
It allows them to not have todeal with the pain that is
there, and so it's an easy go-tofor dealing with life.
And the last one.
Number five is something thatwe've talked about on this
(12:28):
channel quite a bit.
Isolation when life gets hardand when guys are looking for a
way to be able to deal with thepain.
Isolating is often the thingthat guys turn to the most.
And it can take differentshapes.
I would put video games intothis category.
Video games is one of theeasiest ways for men to isolate,
but I would also include socialmedia and online forums like
(12:52):
Reddit as a way of being able totalk about isolation.
That might seem a little bitironic because social media
still includes some forms ofinteraction.
You're still talking to otherpeople online.
You're still having.
Some kinds of conversations oryou're commenting on other
things that people have said.
But it's actually a veryisolating form of interaction.
(13:16):
There aren't real peopleinvolved there, at least as far
as you know, because you're nothaving to deal with the
repercussions of your commentsand how they affect real people.
I.
You're not having to deal with,did that actually make someone I
know angry and do I have to dealwith their anger in a real
relationship?
No, you don't.
(13:37):
So social media is an entirelyisolated form of relationship.
That's also true of online videogames or online social betting,
or any other kind of form ofonline anonymous interaction.
It isn't real interaction.
And so it's actually just.
Isolation, all of that stuff isa form of isolation, and men can
(13:58):
tend to turn to all of that as away to deal with the pain in
their lives, but you're actuallyjust retreating.
You're retreating from all ofthe real and the good things in
your world.
Even if some of those things inthis moment feel difficult and
painful, you're still choosingways to be able to retreat from
the things that actually couldbe good for things that really
(14:20):
aren't.
'cause they're fake, they're notreal, and so they don't have the
opportunity to fill that placein your life.
That could be truly and reallygood.
So what are some of the thingsthat we need to do to try to be
able to address these thingsthat we're turning to in our
lives to numb the pain?
The first thing that I want tosay, and I've kind of already
(14:42):
said it already, but I wannamake sure that you guys hear it
loud and clear.
None of these things is asolution.
They're not actually helping youdeal with the pain in your life.
You're going to have to movetowards real things in order to
be able to deal with the pain inyour life and to find new joy
and new relief from things thatreally are difficult.
(15:05):
Not these fake things, not theseescape things, but real things
like relationships, real placesin the real world with real
people.
All of those things are gonnahelp you be able to move through
the pain.
Now that might be really hard atthis point.
You might have none of that kindof stuff in your world, or it
just feels really difficult tofind it or to access it.
(15:27):
And so the first thing that Iwanna say is that small steps
are better than no steps, andcertainly they're better than
fake steps.
Okay, and what I mean by that isjust doing some of the things
that will move you towards realthings and real people, even if
it's just a little thing isbetter than continuing to move
(15:47):
towards this fake stuff that'sjust meant to take the edge off,
but is actually sucking you intothings that aren't healthy for
you and aren't going to providereal and lasting relief.
So for example, maybe it's justsomething as simple as
committing to going to the gymon a regular basis two or three
times a week.
That might feel like a smallstep, but it's getting you out
(16:09):
into the real world and it'sgetting you out around real
people as well.
Doing something real andphysical with your body.
All of that is good.
All of that has the potential tomove you towards even better
things, and it is no longerabout doing the fake things that
are keeping you trapped.
Okay?
So small steps are better thanfake steps or no steps at all.
(16:33):
Next.
You need to begin to form realconnection with other men in
your life.
I feel like I say this all thetime on this channel, but it
really is.
That's what we're about, right?
The second thing that I tell youI try to do on this channel is
to give you a clear challenge toform strong.
Male relationships.
You need them in your life andyou need to start moving towards
(16:53):
that.
So whether you've got a few guysin your life already who are
close friends, but you're justnot talking about these kinds of
things with each other, now'sthe time.
You need to go first.
You need to start initiatingsome of these conversations.
Hey guys, I need to be honestabout some of the stuff that I'm
dealing with.
Like I haven't really told youguys, but I got a real problem
with weed.
(17:13):
Or I've got a real problem withporn.
Like it's time to start talkingabout it.
Maybe you don't have any guys inyour world that you feel like
you can talk about those kindsof things.
Go back and watch some of theother videos.
In this channel where I talkabout forming a tribe or
beginning to have closefriendships with guys, you need
to start taking the stepstowards building those kinds of
relationships.
(17:35):
All right.
Third thing, when you're gettingto the place where you feel like
you're tempted to kind of turnback towards those vices, you
need to have some things inplace that you can turn to
instead, knowing that.
Those things aren't gonnanecessarily provide the same
instant, quick hit that thingslike porn or beer have for you,
(17:56):
but you're gonna need somethingelse instead that is actually
moving you towards somethinggood.
So maybe it's taking a fewmoments to do some breath work
to help with stress relief.
It's just helping you calm down,recenter, find your place, not
feel like you have to just runoff towards something that's
gonna instantly make you feelbetter, but only leave you
(18:18):
feeling worse.
Do something that's gonna groundyou.
Maybe you need to get outsideand take a walk.
Just be in the outdoors, findsome nature.
Maybe you've got a trail nearyour house or even just a
sidewalk through yourneighborhood.
Do something to help you getoutside and be around things
that are real and grounding.
And number four, you need tostart incorporating your faith
(18:41):
into these areas.
So maybe it's time to pick up ajournal and just start writing
about the way that you'redealing with these things.
This could be part of both.
Number three and number four,write down the things that
you're dealing with and thethings that you're tempted and
what you're experiencing rightnow as you're feeling tempted.
And then end your journal entrywith some prayer.
God, I really need help in thisplace.
(19:03):
Will you come and meet me inthis place?
Fill me in ways that this otherthing I've been turning to can't
fill me in any sort of lastingway.
Amen.
Just put a simple prayer thereas a way to reach out to God who
you know is a higher andstronger power than the thing
you've been turning to, butyou've not really known how to
turn to God.
So start incorporatingjournaling and prayer and bring
(19:26):
your faith into yourconversation with your guy
friends around you.
Hey, I've been turning to theseother things.
For joy, but they're notactually providing any lasting
joy.
And I've really been thinkingabout faith.
I've been trying to think, maybeI need to go back to church, or
I really wanna start prayingagain, but I don't know what to
do.
What do you do for those things?
Just start talking about it.
Maybe your guy friends don't doanything else, but they might be
(19:49):
wondering the same thing thatyou're wondering.
And maybe as a group, you needto go check out a church in your
area.
Maybe get involved in a men'sgroup with some other guys who
are already involved in a churchand start exploring how your
faith can help you move awayfrom some of these numbing
things in your life to help youbuild something that is
healthier so that you can becomethe kind of man that you really
(20:10):
want to be free of all of thesethings that are controlling you
and becoming more of the manthat you actually want to be.
All right guys.
If you have enjoyed thiscontent, I hope that you will
like this video and subscribe tothe channel here.
And I also want to encourageyou, if you're looking for an
idea of what it really means tobe a man, I've got a free
(20:30):
resource for you that I thinkwill help you out.
It's called How Manly are You?
And it's a free quiz that youcan take that will help you
evaluate how you're doing in thefive marks of manhood that I
talk about on this channelregularly.
So just go to manhoodtribes.com.
Slash Manly and you can downloadthe How Manly Are You Quiz for
free.
That's manhood tribes.com/manly.
(20:54):
Now, I wanna leave you byencouraging you to comment on
this video and just name what'ssomething that you're struggling
with right now.
What is the thing that you tendto turn to, to numb the pain in
your life, and maybe you want toeven ask for some help.
Ask the guys that are commentingin the channel, what do you do
to be able to get away from thatthing?
Okay.
I look forward to seeing whatyou guys are commenting about,
(21:16):
and I can't wait to see youagain right here on the Manhood
Tribes Channel.
I see you then soon.
All right men, it's time to getreal here on the Manhood Tribes
Channel.
Today we're gonna talk aboutsome of the nasty things going
on in all of our lives, becausehere at Manhood Tribes, we have
for a while now been talkingabout why does life feel so hard
for us as men, and is it.
Really as hard as we actuallythink it is, and the answer to
(00:21):
that basically is yes, life isdifficult for us as men.
In particular, it seems to onlybe getting more difficult and
the weight of things that we arehaving to carry as men is really
only increasing.
But what we're doing with all ofthat difficulty.
Most of us as men is that we areturning to other things to try
(00:42):
to lighten the load a littlebit, to help us be able to
endure the pain or just increasea little bit of pleasure in the
moment, and so we need to.
Try to talk about those things.
We need to be honest aboutwhat's going on in our world
today with us as men, becausethere's a lot of hiding taking
place.
(01:02):
There's a lot of things going onbehind closed doors that we as
men aren't always comfortablebeing able to talk about, but
we're doing them, and so we needto talk about them.
That's the point of this channelis to say that as men, it only
helps us to be able to bringthings that are in the dark, out
into the light.
That's the way that we actuallyget better at being a man.
So to that end.
(01:23):
My name is Don Ross.
I'm the host here at the ManhoodTribes Channel, and what I try
to do here at Manhood Tribes isa few things.
I try to give you a clear visionof what it means to be a man.
I try to give you a clearchallenge to develop strong male
friendships, and I try topresent you with a clear path on
how you can do both of thosethings.
Now as we're talking about thisclear vision of what it means to
(01:46):
be a man today, we're gonna talkabout some things that I think
get in the way of that, thatactually inhibit us from
becoming the kind of men that wereally do want to be.
These are things that are, we'llcall'em vices or we'll call'em.
Medications.
Not in the like pill sense,although it might be that, but
just things that we kind of turnto to numb the pain a little
(02:09):
bit.
When the pain factor in life isratcheting up really high, all
of us as guys will tend to turnto some things to help just kind
of alleviate life a little bit,to escape, to lighten up, to
just experience a little bit ofpleasure in the midst of that
pain.
But as we turn to those things,we're actually finding ourselves
(02:32):
starting to get trapped by them.
They start to become things thatwe can't really get away from,
or we're depending on them morethan we thought that we needed
to.
And because of that, those arethe things that we actually need
to start talking about.
So in this video, I want to tryto address five of those things
that we tend to turn to five ofthose numbing substances that we
(02:55):
as men tend to kind of favor asthe way to be able to deal with
the hardships of life.
All right, so number one, no bigsurprise here.
The biggest thing that men inour culture today tend to turn
to, to help alleviate the painin their world is porn.
You probably knew that that wascoming.
The statistics don't lie.
(03:16):
Nearly every man that you know,and women, if you're watching,
and I hope some of you are.
This is true.
Nearly every man that you knowhas experienced and used porn at
some point in time in theirlife, and most of the men that
you know, most of the men thatyou know are actively using porn
(03:38):
on some kind of regular basis tosay that porn is pervasive.
Is an understatement.
It's everywhere.
And for guys in particular,although it's not just a male
issue, porn is increasingly afemale issue as well.
But for males in particular,porn is an almost universal
issue.
It affects nearly.
(03:58):
Every man, it's been a part ofmy story and on this channel,
I'm gonna share more of thatstory at some point in time.
But today I just want us to behonest about the fact that porn
is a nearly universal part ofmen's stories.
It is something that we learnedto turn to at a very early age,
and the freedom of access thatwe have to it because of the
(04:19):
internet has made it so that anyof us can get it.
Porn is a source of pleasure formen, and that's why we tend to
turn to it.
It makes us feel good.
We use it as a way to be able tojust experience some really good
feelings for a little while whenlife kind of sucks in a whole
lot of other ways.
(04:39):
The problem with porn that Ithink we have all encountered is
that it brings with it a wholelot of other baggage.
So for all the joy or all thepleasure that it might bring for
just a little while, it bringsalong a whole bunch of other
things as well.
I.
Some of that can just be shameover feeling like you've done
something that you wish that youdidn't, or feeling like you're
(04:59):
the kind of person who looks atporn and you wish that you
weren't that kind of man.
Or it might be other thingsthat, uh, are really getting in
the way of the way that you liveyour life.
Porn can have some realinhibiting factors on a whole
bunch of other things.
The more that you use it, themore that it starts to get in
the way of real liferelationships.
(05:19):
Whether that's just sucking upyour time and taking away your
time of interacting with realpeople to actually affecting
your ability to relateintimately with another woman.
And I'm not just talking aboutsex, although I am talking about
that too.
It takes away your ability toknow how to be able to engage
intimately with another person.
And when you do get to thatplace of trying to interact
(05:42):
sexually with another woman,porn can have some impact there
as well.
It can make you imagine what sexis supposed to be like and then
when you encounter the realthing, it doesn't quite live up
to what you've seen in all ofthe videos.
And because of that, it can makereal life sex feel like
something of a disappointment.
It doesn't actually feel as goodas you thought that it might or
(06:02):
it doesn't.
Your relationship with a womandoesn't look like what those
porn relationships looked like,and so you're not really sure
what to make of that.
Porn can become so much of aninhibitor that it actually
affects your performance in thebedroom.
Your dick can get so used to thefeeling of your hand that when
it encounters the feeling of areal life vagina, it doesn't
(06:24):
know what to do.
I know.
Crazy, right?
But that's an actual real thingthat many men are dealing with.
It's erectile dysfunction thatcomes from overuse of porn and
over masturbation from porn.
It's a real thing.
It's a real problem.
I think all of these are thingsthat are downsides to porn, and
(06:45):
I hope that we as a culture arestarting to get to the place
where we're talking about thosekinds of things, enough that
we're all collectively beginningto realize, Hey, all this free
access to sex on video reallyisn't a good thing for us.
There was a while there whereour culture thought like this
was the greatest thing ever andwe can enjoy it as much as we
want to, and what are the sideeffects?
(07:05):
It's not harming anybody, but Ithink we're kind of finally at
the place where we're realizing,yeah, it's harming everybody and
it's time for us to be able totake a break from it.
Now, here's the thing, if youwant to be able to experience
some freedom from porn, this isone of the most difficult things
that you as a man mightencounter.
Getting free from porn is areally difficult thing to do,
(07:28):
but one of the things that it isabsolutely going to take of you
is talking about it.
You're going to have to behonest about what your porn
habit looks like, why you'relooking at the things that
you're looking at when you tendto look at the things that
you're looking at, like what'sgoing on in your world when
those things are true.
And the reality is most of us asguys don't have those kinds of
(07:48):
people in our life that we cantalk to.
I.
So you're going to need to beginto cultivate some of those
friendships.
Go back to a few videos thatI've had on this channel where I
talk about developing a tribe ordeveloping close friends and
figure out how you can start tomove towards some of those kinds
of friendships, because you'regoing to need them in your life
if you're going to stand achance of breaking away from
(08:08):
porn.
Okay, porn's the number onething, and I've spent the most
time on it, but it's certainlynot the only thing.
So let me try to cover numberstwo through five a little bit
quicker than I've spent on justnumber one.
Now, number two, I would justkind of lump together the whole
category of alcohol and drugs,any other kind of substance that
you are turning to regularly tojust numb the pain to use as
(08:31):
some kind of medication.
And maybe in this case, you areactually turning to some kind of
pills as a way to be able tomedicate in your life.
Now this might be something thatyou do on an occasional basis,
and to you it feels like it'snot a big deal.
But what I want to highlight toyou is that if you are using a
substance to be able to cut theedge of pain in your life, you
(08:52):
probably are experiencing toomuch pain.
Your life is filled with morestress than you are meant.
To be able to hold and turningto a substance to be able to cut
the edge of that pain isactually not helping you.
It might make you feel good fora little while, but it's not
helping you be able to deal withthe things that you're having to
(09:14):
face.
So whether that's a couple beersat night after you get home from
work, or you've got this stashof weed that your family doesn't
know about, that you use on theweekends, or you know, whatever
it is for you, it can really beanything.
Whatever you're using to takethe edge off of life is not
actually helping you be able todeal with the stress and the
pain that you're facing.
(09:35):
It's just providing you with alittle bit of relief for the
moment, and that's not actuallya solution.
Number three.
Sometimes it's not a substanceat all.
It's actually just more work.
The number of guys that turn tosome form of workaholism or just
extra work as a way to be ableto cope with the pain of life is
(09:57):
surprisingly high.
Many of us as men find ouridentities in our work.
That's where we feel like we'rethe most successful, where we
feel like we're the most needed,where we feel like we're the
most seen and the mostcelebrated, and the most prized,
and the most affirmed for all ofthe things that we contribute.
And then in our home life, wedon't get that nearly that same
(10:17):
kind of satisfaction.
We can, in our workplace, we cankind of follow a formula.
If I put in this kind of effortand do these sorts of things, I
know I'm gonna get rewarded inthese ways.
But the rest of life, andespecially our home life or our
marriage and family life, itdoesn't look like that at all.
It's not nearly as formulaic.
You can't just do these thingsor have these conversations with
(10:38):
your wife and expect it to payoff in the same way that work
can.
And so for a lot of us guys, weturn to.
Extra work because we know it'sa reliable way to produce some
rewards and some pleasures inour life, and it keeps us away
from a lot of those moreunpredictable situations.
Other people and otherrelationships that don't follow
those same kind of formulas.
(11:00):
We don't feel as successful inour family as we do in our work.
And so it's easy to turn toworkaholism as a way to numb the
pain or to avoid the stress ofother places in our lives.
Number four.
This one might be a little bitmore of a surprise, but I've
called this one Sarcasm andHumor.
Now for a lot of guys, one ofthe ways to sort of avoid
(11:22):
dealing with the reality of howpainful life is, is just to joke
about all of it.
To make fun of all of it, tomake light of how hard life is,
is for some guys a way of notactually having to deal with how
hard life is.
If everything is a joke, thennothing is actually as painful
as it really might be, but thishonestly is just a form of
(11:46):
denial.
It's really just an avoidancestrategy.
Guys who joke about everything,rarely deal with anything head
on.
It's kind of, and forgive meguys, if this is your strategy,
it's kind of a cowardly thing todo.
It's not actually facing up tothe difficulties in your life
and trying to move through them.
(12:07):
It's just a way of trying toavoid how painful they are and
not having to deal with them.
But for a lot of guys, sarcasmand humor plays that role in
their lives.
It allows them to not have todeal with the pain that is
there, and so it's an easy go-tofor dealing with life.
And the last one.
Number five is something thatwe've talked about on this
(12:28):
channel quite a bit.
Isolation when life gets hardand when guys are looking for a
way to be able to deal with thepain.
Isolating is often the thingthat guys turn to the most.
And it can take differentshapes.
I would put video games intothis category.
Video games is one of theeasiest ways for men to isolate,
but I would also include socialmedia and online forums like
(12:52):
Reddit as a way of being able totalk about isolation.
That might seem a little bitironic because social media
still includes some forms ofinteraction.
You're still talking to otherpeople online.
You're still having.
Some kinds of conversations oryou're commenting on other
things that people have said.
But it's actually a veryisolating form of interaction.
(13:16):
There aren't real peopleinvolved there, at least as far
as you know, because you're nothaving to deal with the
repercussions of your commentsand how they affect real people.
I.
You're not having to deal with,did that actually make someone I
know angry and do I have to dealwith their anger in a real
relationship?
No, you don't.
(13:37):
So social media is an entirelyisolated form of relationship.
That's also true of online videogames or online social betting,
or any other kind of form ofonline anonymous interaction.
It isn't real interaction.
And so it's actually just.
Isolation, all of that stuff isa form of isolation, and men can
(13:58):
tend to turn to all of that as away to deal with the pain in
their lives, but you're actuallyjust retreating.
You're retreating from all ofthe real and the good things in
your world.
Even if some of those things inthis moment feel difficult and
painful, you're still choosingways to be able to retreat from
the things that actually couldbe good for things that really
(14:20):
aren't.
'cause they're fake, they're notreal, and so they don't have the
opportunity to fill that placein your life.
That could be truly and reallygood.
So what are some of the thingsthat we need to do to try to be
able to address these thingsthat we're turning to in our
lives to numb the pain?
The first thing that I want tosay, and I've kind of already
(14:42):
said it already, but I wannamake sure that you guys hear it
loud and clear.
None of these things is asolution.
They're not actually helping youdeal with the pain in your life.
You're going to have to movetowards real things in order to
be able to deal with the pain inyour life and to find new joy
and new relief from things thatreally are difficult.
(15:05):
Not these fake things, not theseescape things, but real things
like relationships, real placesin the real world with real
people.
All of those things are gonnahelp you be able to move through
the pain.
Now that might be really hard atthis point.
You might have none of that kindof stuff in your world, or it
just feels really difficult tofind it or to access it.
(15:27):
And so the first thing that Iwanna say is that small steps
are better than no steps, andcertainly they're better than
fake steps.
Okay, and what I mean by that isjust doing some of the things
that will move you towards realthings and real people, even if
it's just a little thing isbetter than continuing to move
(15:47):
towards this fake stuff that'sjust meant to take the edge off,
but is actually sucking you intothings that aren't healthy for
you and aren't going to providereal and lasting relief.
So for example, maybe it's justsomething as simple as
committing to going to the gymon a regular basis two or three
times a week.
That might feel like a smallstep, but it's getting you out
(16:09):
into the real world and it'sgetting you out around real
people as well.
Doing something real andphysical with your body.
All of that is good.
All of that has the potential tomove you towards even better
things, and it is no longerabout doing the fake things that
are keeping you trapped.
Okay?
So small steps are better thanfake steps or no steps at all.
(16:33):
Next.
You need to begin to form realconnection with other men in
your life.
I feel like I say this all thetime on this channel, but it
really is.
That's what we're about, right?
The second thing that I tell youI try to do on this channel is
to give you a clear challenge toform strong.
Male relationships.
You need them in your life andyou need to start moving towards
(16:53):
that.
So whether you've got a few guysin your life already who are
close friends, but you're justnot talking about these kinds of
things with each other, now'sthe time.
You need to go first.
You need to start initiatingsome of these conversations.
Hey guys, I need to be honestabout some of the stuff that I'm
dealing with.
Like I haven't really told youguys, but I got a real problem
with weed.
(17:13):
Or I've got a real problem withporn.
Like it's time to start talkingabout it.
Maybe you don't have any guys inyour world that you feel like
you can talk about those kindsof things.
Go back and watch some of theother videos.
In this channel where I talkabout forming a tribe or
beginning to have closefriendships with guys, you need
to start taking the stepstowards building those kinds of
relationships.
(17:35):
All right.
Third thing, when you're gettingto the place where you feel like
you're tempted to kind of turnback towards those vices, you
need to have some things inplace that you can turn to
instead, knowing that.
Those things aren't gonnanecessarily provide the same
instant, quick hit that thingslike porn or beer have for you,
(17:56):
but you're gonna need somethingelse instead that is actually
moving you towards somethinggood.
So maybe it's taking a fewmoments to do some breath work
to help with stress relief.
It's just helping you calm down,recenter, find your place, not
feel like you have to just runoff towards something that's
gonna instantly make you feelbetter, but only leave you
(18:18):
feeling worse.
Do something that's gonna groundyou.
Maybe you need to get outsideand take a walk.
Just be in the outdoors, findsome nature.
Maybe you've got a trail nearyour house or even just a
sidewalk through yourneighborhood.
Do something to help you getoutside and be around things
that are real and grounding.
And number four, you need tostart incorporating your faith
(18:41):
into these areas.
So maybe it's time to pick up ajournal and just start writing
about the way that you'redealing with these things.
This could be part of both.
Number three and number four,write down the things that
you're dealing with and thethings that you're tempted and
what you're experiencing rightnow as you're feeling tempted.
And then end your journal entrywith some prayer.
God, I really need help in thisplace.
(19:03):
Will you come and meet me inthis place?
Fill me in ways that this otherthing I've been turning to can't
fill me in any sort of lastingway.
Amen.
Just put a simple prayer thereas a way to reach out to God who
you know is a higher andstronger power than the thing
you've been turning to, butyou've not really known how to
turn to God.
So start incorporatingjournaling and prayer and bring
(19:26):
your faith into yourconversation with your guy
friends around you.
Hey, I've been turning to theseother things.
For joy, but they're notactually providing any lasting
joy.
And I've really been thinkingabout faith.
I've been trying to think, maybeI need to go back to church, or
I really wanna start prayingagain, but I don't know what to
do.
What do you do for those things?
Just start talking about it.
Maybe your guy friends don't doanything else, but they might be
(19:49):
wondering the same thing thatyou're wondering.
And maybe as a group, you needto go check out a church in your
area.
Maybe get involved in a men'sgroup with some other guys who
are already involved in a churchand start exploring how your
faith can help you move awayfrom some of these numbing
things in your life to help youbuild something that is
healthier so that you can becomethe kind of man that you really
(20:10):
want to be free of all of thesethings that are controlling you
and becoming more of the manthat you actually want to be.
All right guys.
If you have enjoyed thiscontent, I hope that you will
like this video and subscribe tothe channel here.
And I also want to encourageyou, if you're looking for an
idea of what it really means tobe a man, I've got a free
(20:30):
resource for you that I thinkwill help you out.
It's called How Manly are You?
And it's a free quiz that youcan take that will help you
evaluate how you're doing in thefive marks of manhood that I
talk about on this channelregularly.
So just go to manhoodtribes.com.
Slash Manly and you can downloadthe How Manly Are You Quiz for
free.
That's manhood tribes.com/manly.
(20:54):
Now, I wanna leave you byencouraging you to comment on
this video and just name what'ssomething that you're struggling
with right now.
What is the thing that you tendto turn to, to numb the pain in
your life, and maybe you want toeven ask for some help.
Ask the guys that are commentingin the channel, what do you do
to be able to get away from thatthing?
Okay.
I look forward to seeing whatyou guys are commenting about,
(21:16):
and I can't wait to see youagain right here on the Manhood
Tribes Channel.
I see you then soon.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Crime Junkie
Does hearing about a true crime case always leave you scouring the internet for the truth behind the story? Dive into your next mystery with Crime Junkie. Every Monday, join your host Ashley Flowers as she unravels all the details of infamous and underreported true crime cases with her best friend Brit Prawat. From cold cases to missing persons and heroes in our community who seek justice, Crime Junkie is your destination for theories and stories you won’t hear anywhere else. Whether you're a seasoned true crime enthusiast or new to the genre, you'll find yourself on the edge of your seat awaiting a new episode every Monday. If you can never get enough true crime... Congratulations, you’ve found your people. Follow to join a community of Crime Junkies! Crime Junkie is presented by audiochuck Media Company.
NFL Daily with Gregg Rosenthal
Gregg Rosenthal and a rotating crew of elite NFL Media co-hosts, including Patrick Claybon, Colleen Wolfe, Steve Wyche, Nick Shook and Jourdan Rodrigue of The Athletic get you caught up daily on all the NFL news and analysis you need to be smarter and funnier than your friends.