July 8, 2025 • 20 mins
In this raw and honest episode, we address tough questions about the challenges men face in long-term relationships. We dive into the emotional complexities that arise when men feel unnoticed and undervalued despite their best efforts.
Host Don, with decades of experience working with men, shares insights and practical advice on improving relational intimacy, building better connections, and understanding mutual needs.
Join us for an eye-opening discussion that's all about being honest and finding ways to grow stronger together as men and partners.
00:00 Introduction and Setting the Stage
01:16 The Struggles Men Face in Relationships
02:30 The Importance of Male Friendships
03:29 Understanding the Modern Man's Role
09:55 Empathy and Understanding Your Partner
14:27 Effective Communication and Honesty
15:41 Rekindling the Romance
17:33 Encouraging Quality Friendships for Your Partner
18:42 Conclusion and Community Invitation
💪 Want to know how you measure up as a man? Take our free quiz, called How Manly Are You? and learn how you can get better at being a man. Download for free at manhoodtribes.com/manly. 💪
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:01):
All right guys.
I'm gonna be honest.
Today's episode is gonna be alittle raw.
We need to talk about somethingkind of tough for most of us as
guys to be honest about, andthat's what our relationships
with our women look like.
So whether you're married oryou're in a long-term
relationship with a girlfriend,there's probably some things
(00:21):
that you have been feeling as aman in that relationship that
are.
Driving you crazy.
We'll just be blunt about it,making life hard for you, but
you're not always sure how toput words to it because it's
just sort of this likeunderlying emotional kind of gut
feeling, but it probably isaffecting you on a day-to-day
(00:44):
basis.
And that's just sort of thisidea of you feel like you are
showing up in.
Every way you possibly can forthe sake of your relationship,
for the sake of your family, forthe sake of what the two of you
have created together.
And yet at times it feels likeshe barely even notices you.
Like, aren't you doing all theright things and can't you get
(01:08):
just a little bit of attentionand respect from her?
Why is it such a challenge?
Okay.
I talk to guys all the timewhere this is a thing.
It feels like as men we'retrying to do everything we
possibly can to make theserelationships work and to go
well, we're giving all that wehave to give, and yet our wives
(01:31):
sometimes seem like they're moreinterested in their social media
than they are in us.
Are you feeling that way, guys?
Is that resonating with you?
If you're like the average manthese days, I bet it probably
is.
Look, this is a hard topic,right?
Because.
I'm not in this game to try tobadmouth our wives or our
girlfriends.
We're not really trying to throwanybody under the bus here, but
(01:53):
we do need to be honest aboutthe fact that this is a real
problem.
This is a real challenge formost guys in long-term
relationships, and that's justbecause our world has gotten
crazy.
There's some factors that arereally affecting the way that we
do relationships these days, andwhen it is a problem, guys need
to be able to find a place to beable to talk about it.
(02:13):
And the challenge for most guysis they don't have anybody to
talk to about it.
Most guys have their mostvulnerable conversations with
their wives or theirgirlfriends, and so when the
problem is with yourrelationship, who do you turn to
to be able to talk about it?
You probably don't havesomebody.
Well, we need to talk about ithere today on the Manhood Tribe
(02:33):
Show here at Manhood Tribes.
My job as your host is to try todo a few things.
I want to give you a clearvision of what it means to be a
man.
I wanna give you a clearchallenge to build strong male
friendships, and I want to showyou a clear path for how you can
do both things.
My name's Don, and I've beenworking with men in a variety of
(02:53):
contexts for a couple decadesnow.
And mostly these are just thingsthat I have learned over time
and by developing closefriendships with other guys who
are dealing with some of thesame things.
So I'm just trying to kind ofoffer my insight and, and wisdom
and experience as best I can tohelp all of us as men.
Because I think it's tough thesedays being a guy.
It is tough in the world that welive in because guys tend to be
(03:16):
pretty isolated from other guys.
And so we don't have a lot ofplaces where we can be honest
about the things that really aredifficult for us.
And this is one of the mostdifficult things that few of us
actually have an opportunity totalk about it.
So maybe I am for the first timeever giving you permission to
actually be honest about thisbeing a problem in your life,
(03:37):
that you feel like you're doingeverything that you know to do,
to be effective as a husband oras a boyfriend, and you're not
getting the reciprocal kind ofattention affection.
Intimacy, physical contact, sex.
Let's be honest that you thinkthat ought to come along with
(03:59):
all of the ways that you aretrying to show up in that
relationship.
You're, you're not a bad guy.
You're not doing things wrong.
You're not out cheating on her,you're not disrespecting her.
You aren't like.
Blowing up your relationship oryour lives together in some
crazy way.
You're not dealing with somekind of like hidden addiction.
You're not like, uh, sinking thefamily into financial ruin.
(04:23):
Maybe you are doing some ofthose things.
We're gonna talk about some ofthat on another episode, so hang
tight if that is you.
But for the most part, that'snot where most guys are.
They're trying to show up.
You're trying to not only be theprovider and the stability for
your family, right?
You're, you're working afull-time job, you're bringing
home a paycheck that eitherhelps or entirely pays the bills
(04:46):
for your family, but you're alsotrying to be the.
Emotional and relational supportof your family.
You're showing up with yourkids.
You're present at activities andfamily events.
You are relationally dialed inand checked in to the things
that are going on in your home.
You have real conversations withyour wife or girlfriend where
you talk about real things.
(05:07):
It's not just details and it'snot just grunts.
Your shared time doesn't amountto just watching some.
You know, binge TV together, youactually have real conversations
and real relationships.
You're, you're trying to beemotionally present, maybe in
some ways that, you know, thatguys haven't always done very
well at.
You're actually trying to dothose things.
You're showing up, you'releading, you're moving forward
(05:29):
in your life.
You're trying to be a success inyour career.
You're trying to set goals andplans for your relationship and
for your family long term.
You, you're doing all the thingsthat you think you know you're
supposed to be doing, andyou're, you're trying to do them
in the right way.
I.
You're carrying a load at home.
You're helping out with thechores.
You're not leaving everything toher.
When women talk about the mentalload that they have to carry
(05:50):
because they have to manage allof the family tasks and all of
the home tasks at the same timeand go to work, you're stepping
in.
You're saying, Hey, let me takesome of that off your plate.
Let me do some of those thingsfor you.
How can I help out?
You're a, you're a present.
Man, you're showing up, and yetthat's not translating into your
relationship getting better.
(06:11):
In fact, it may be gettingworse.
It may be feeling like she'sjust becoming more and more
distant from you.
You're losing her to things likesocial media or binge tv.
You're losing her to the stressof her job that she's working.
You're losing her in all theways that.
You think really would matter toyou.
You don't have the same kind offun, lighthearted conversations
(06:34):
that you maybe once had when youwere dating or early on in your
relationship, especially if younow have kids.
A lot of that kind of just likesheer joy and lightheartedness
seems to just have disappearedfrom your relationship.
You don't see her really likecarving out time to want to be
with you or to be interested inthe things that you are
(06:55):
interested in.
The way that she maybe once was,even if you're trying to do
something like date night, itcan feel like your date night
sort of just devolves intotalking about the details of the
family and she doesn't reallybring up things that seem to
matter to her heart or ask youabout things that matter to your
heart.
And maybe especially the sexjust seems to have kind of
(07:18):
evaporated.
There's really like not a wholelot going on in that department,
and especially not if you don'tinitiate it.
And so it leaves you feelinglike it's one more thing that
you want, that if you're gonnaget it, you have to make it
happen.
Where is she showing up in thosethings?
Where is she in terms of comingthrough for you in the ways that
would really matter to you?
It feels like if you're gonnaget your needs met, you have to
(07:40):
be the one pushing for it, andthat's not really what a
relationship is supposed to beabout.
We're supposed to be mutuallymeeting each other's needs and
coming through for each other,not solely just trying to get
what we want from the otherperson.
Okay, so I'm hoping I'm paintinga picture that sounds or looks a
little bit like what you'redealing with in your
(08:01):
relationship with your wife orgirlfriend.
Now here's the problem as men,because in our world today we
are pretty disconnected fromother men.
Most of us don't have a place tobe able to talk about all of
that.
And so what do we tend to do?
Well, we just retreat inwardabout it.
We obviously don't feel like wecan talk to our wife or our
girlfriend very much about ourproblem because it kind of feels
(08:23):
like she's the problem.
But when we don't talk about it,what do we do?
We get bitter, we get angry, weget frustrated, we get passive
aggressive.
We get really aggressive.
We get all kinds of things thatcan start to just sort of bubble
up in other ways that not onlyare affecting us, but start to
have an effect on ourrelationship as well.
(08:46):
And so as it feels like therelationship begins to spiral,
we men might react in some waysthat kind of create a catch 22
situation.
It's like the relationship isspiraling.
And so we react in negative waysand those negative reactions do
harm to the relationship, andthe relationship keeps spiraling
downward.
And then we react in even morenegative ways, and you get the
(09:07):
picture, it's just a downwardspiral from there.
I.
So what are we gonna do aboutall this?
What as guys can we do to beable to address what's happening
in our relationships with ourwomen there?
How can we begin to recover someof the, the real intimacy?
And when I use the word.
Intimacy.
I'm not just talking about sex,like when I mean sex.
(09:28):
I'll just say sex.
When I say intimacy, I mean thewhole picture there.
Not just physical intimacy, butemotional, relational intimacy
as well.
That there's companionship, thatthere's joy, that there's
affection, that there's just funtimes together doing things that
you both like doing or even justdoing something that the other
one likes doing for the sake ofenjoying that person doing
(09:49):
something that they enjoy.
Where is all that?
How do we recover those things?
Okay.
I think one of the things thatwe have to start with is really
being able to pay attention towhat is going on in our wives
world.
What's going on in the world ofour woman, to be able to know
why is she handling things theway that she's handling things.
(10:10):
And one of the things that Ithink we need to learn to be
empathetic about as men.
Is that for all of the ways thatwe feel like we're dealing with
some of these problems wherewe're carrying more than we ever
have had to, as men, we're doingmore than we've ever been
expected to as men.
The same is also true for themas women.
I.
They are not only being expectedto, uh, show up as they once
(10:34):
have as nurturers and homemakersand loving and supporting wives,
okay?
All of that has been true inprevious generations, but now
they're also expected to show upas workers.
Most women in a home areexpected to have a job these
days because we all kind of needtwo incomes to be able to make
life work, and they're expectedto manage not just the home
(10:56):
details, but all of the familydetails as well.
So not just chores and kind ofkeeping things together around
the house, but like everythingthat the family is doing at
every point in time and amassive calendar of events and
who needs to be where, when, andhow to get.
People to all the places thatthey need to go.
All of those details have tolive in her head as well as just
(11:16):
the responsibilities of runninga household and keeping everyone
clothed and fed and clean andall of that kind of stuff.
Sure.
Guys, help out with some ofthose things, and if you're not,
you should, but.
Doing those things.
She probably owns most of themor feels like she's supposed to
own most of them, and even ifshe doesn't, she might feel
guilty about the fact that shedoesn't own them because other
(11:38):
women do.
And so she's probably fallingbehind there in some ways for
not being able to do all ofthat.
The point is she's feelingprobably just as exhausted as
you are.
She's feeling like the load thatshe has to carry is far more
than she's actually capable ofcarrying.
Now one of the differences therefor men and women is that women
(12:00):
actually talk about these thingswith, with each other.
Men tend to isolate and staydisconnected and to just deal
with it, you know, internally byblowing up.
But women tend to talk about it.
They just don't always talkabout it in ways that are
helpful.
If you check out what womenwatch on social media very often
it's a lot of complaining aboutthe men in their lives.
(12:20):
It's complaining about how theythink we're not helping out
enough, or we're not empatheticenough, or we're not aware of
their mental load, or we're notseeing things the way that they
see things.
And so in a lot of ways, womenturn to social media or to their
friends who are having thosesame kinds of conversations as
their form of empathy.
It's the one place where theyfeel like they're actually seen
(12:41):
and understood.
That's not okay.
Our wives, our girlfriends, needto feel like that we see them
and that we understand them.
And so part of what might beneeded is here is for you to
begin to help your wifeunderstand that you see her
before she's ever gonna see you.
You need to see her.
(13:02):
One of my old mentors used toalways say, in terms of giving
marriage advice, he would say,seek first to understand, then
to be understood.
And this is so hard.
This is hard for men and women,but for us as guys in
particular, when we are in pain,all that we want to do is throw
that pain at someone else untilthey pay attention to us.
And where we probably need tostart is in figuring out how do
(13:24):
we pay attention to our wivesPain.
How do we pay attention towhat's going on for her and
helping her feel seen in ourrelationship that we know how
much she's carrying, weunderstand the load that she's
responsible for.
We appreciate all the ways thatshe tries to do all the things
for us and for our family.
Even just expressing some ofthat and the empathy that comes
(13:46):
along with it can really opensome doors for her to be able to
be honest and to start to seeyou, to start to be able to pay
attention to what's going onwith you more because she
doesn't feel like she has tojust do all of her stuff on her
own and by herself.
She knows that you've got herback and you're paying attention
to those kinds of things withher, and she feels like.
(14:08):
You're a safe place to be ableto talk about those kinds of
things.
That she can be honest whenthings are feeling too hard.
She can come to you and ask forhelp, and she's not gonna be
just met with anger orresistance or bitterness, but
actually with a loving andsupportive husband or partner
who is trying to be able to showup for her in all the ways that
he can.
The second thing is that onceyou've done some of that, you
(14:30):
actually do need to start beinghonest with her about what's
going on with you.
You need to start talking aboutthe ways that maybe you don't
feel seen or some of the waysthat you wish she were more
engaged, or even the dreadedconversations about, Hey, I wish
that you were on social medialess, or, I wish that we were
having sex more frequently.
Like whatever the things thatyou're really wishing were would
(14:51):
happen in your relationship.
It's time to start being honestabout them.
You are going to have to open upand to let her know some of the
things that you want because herworld is so full, just like
yours is that it's hard for herto intuitively grasp the things
that you want and need.
Women by default, tend to bemuch better at this as than men
(15:12):
are, but with the amount ofanxiety that they're carrying
over all of the things that theyhave to do, it's not surprising
that she might.
You know, have less of you onher radar because she's just got
so many things on her radar allat once.
So help her.
Don't be afraid to ask for whatit is that you're needing or to
(15:32):
talk about the things that youwish were true in your
relationship that maybe oncewere and don't feel like they
are today.
How could you get back to someof those places?
One of the best ways that I tryto, uh, counsel guys on doing
this better is if you do havesomething like a date night, try
to make it an actual date.
Think about the ways that youhad dates when you were dating.
(15:53):
You probably didn't talk aboutthe things that you talk about
on your dates now, if you'relike, a lot of guys date night
kind of tends to devolve intojust let's talk about the.
Details of what's going on withthe family calendar.
Like where do I need to be?
When and what's going on hereand what are we planning for
this event that's coming up, andhow much is this bill gonna cost
and how are we gonna pay forthat?
And you know, what sports areour kids involved in and who
(16:15):
needs to be at what game?
There's just, there's a thousanddetails that go into all of
those kinds of things.
And if we're not careful whatlittle time we have with our
wife or our girlfriend getstaken up by those kinds of
things.
Now, that's not what you talkedabout when you were dating.
You talked about each other.
You talked about the things thatyou were interested in.
You talked about the things thatyou were enjoying.
(16:35):
You talked about the things thatyou wanted to be able to enjoy,
but maybe didn't feel like youhad time for at the moment, and
how you'd like to have time forthose things.
And then as a boyfriend whocared about your girlfriend, you
probably.
Try to figure out a way, like,how can I make that happen for
her?
How could I give her that giftor create some space for her in
her life so that she could enjoythose kinds of things?
Recapture your dating life withyour wife or your girlfriend.
(16:58):
Carve out that time and try toreally set some limits and
encourage her to do the same,and just say, Hey, when we go
out on these dates, I reallywould like our conversations to
be about us and about the thingsthat we are enjoying and
enjoying about each other, andnot just about details.
You may need to plan a separatetime in the week to have a
detailed conversation, to justlook at family calendars, to
(17:20):
look at plans and bills and allof the things that go into just
managing your household, andthat's okay.
Set up a separate time to dothat, but try to make dating
time really about the two of youand restoring your relational
connection there.
Another thing that you might beable to help your wife with, as
I've encouraged you to do foryourself is that you might wanna
(17:40):
help her be able to build someclose female friends.
Now, this is one you may haveto.
Tread carefully on, but if yourwife is disconnected from good
female friends in the same waythat you are disconnected from
good male friends, that might besomething to encourage her
towards.
Could she join a small group atchurch?
Can she connect with some of themoms of, uh, kids in your kids'
(18:02):
class?
Can she do some things thatmight help her be able to get
around other good quality?
Women friends and where you haveto be careful that careful there
is that she doesn't just need tohang out with the neighborhood
gossips who are just gonnacomplain about the men in their
lives, right?
That's not helpful for her.
It certainly isn't helpful foryou and it's not productive.
It's not a good use of anybody'stime.
(18:23):
But if you can help her getaround quality friendships, that
can give her a place to be ableto talk about the things that
are important to her and hearfrom other women who might be
able to help.
All of those things are gonna goa long way towards restoring
some of the intimacy in yourrelationship with your wife or
girlfriend.
Okay.
I think we've covered this froma lot of angles.
(18:44):
I've tried to give you a fewjust kind of tips of advice of
things to be able to handle, butthe important thing is there,
look guys, this is a realproblem.
This is a real issue, and itdoes take some specific steps to
try to be able to address it.
If this content has been helpfulfor you, I would ask that you
would like this video andsubscribe to the channel where
we're gonna keep talking aboutthese kinds of things.
I would also ask you to considerjoining our Manhood Tribe's
(19:07):
community, where you're gonnafind other guys who are
interested in the same kinds ofthings that you're hearing about
here on this channel and canhelp each other out as we
explore and navigate what itlooks like to be a man, how to
get better in those things.
How to grow in our faith as menwho follow Jesus.
And also how to develop closefriendships with other
like-minded men.
(19:27):
Just go to manhoodtribes.com/community and you can
sign up for the list to find outwhen our community opens, and
you can be a part of it there.
All right, I wanna leave youhere by encouraging you to
comment on this video below.
I.
And the question that I wouldask is, what's one thing that
you wish your wife or girlfriendsaw about you?
(19:48):
What is something that you wishthat she noticed about you at
the moment?
Leave that comment below and Iwill engage with you as I can,
and I look forward to talking toyou next time here on the
Manhood Tribes Channel.
I'll see you then.
All right guys.
I'm gonna be honest.
Today's episode is gonna be alittle raw.
We need to talk about somethingkind of tough for most of us as
guys to be honest about, andthat's what our relationships
with our women look like.
So whether you're married oryou're in a long-term
relationship with a girlfriend,there's probably some things
(00:21):
that you have been feeling as aman in that relationship that
are.
Driving you crazy.
We'll just be blunt about it,making life hard for you, but
you're not always sure how toput words to it because it's
just sort of this likeunderlying emotional kind of gut
feeling, but it probably isaffecting you on a day-to-day
(00:44):
basis.
And that's just sort of thisidea of you feel like you are
showing up in.
Every way you possibly can forthe sake of your relationship,
for the sake of your family, forthe sake of what the two of you
have created together.
And yet at times it feels likeshe barely even notices you.
Like, aren't you doing all theright things and can't you get
(01:08):
just a little bit of attentionand respect from her?
Why is it such a challenge?
Okay.
I talk to guys all the timewhere this is a thing.
It feels like as men we'retrying to do everything we
possibly can to make theserelationships work and to go
well, we're giving all that wehave to give, and yet our wives
(01:31):
sometimes seem like they're moreinterested in their social media
than they are in us.
Are you feeling that way, guys?
Is that resonating with you?
If you're like the average manthese days, I bet it probably
is.
Look, this is a hard topic,right?
Because.
I'm not in this game to try tobadmouth our wives or our
girlfriends.
We're not really trying to throwanybody under the bus here, but
(01:53):
we do need to be honest aboutthe fact that this is a real
problem.
This is a real challenge formost guys in long-term
relationships, and that's justbecause our world has gotten
crazy.
There's some factors that arereally affecting the way that we
do relationships these days, andwhen it is a problem, guys need
to be able to find a place to beable to talk about it.
(02:13):
And the challenge for most guysis they don't have anybody to
talk to about it.
Most guys have their mostvulnerable conversations with
their wives or theirgirlfriends, and so when the
problem is with yourrelationship, who do you turn to
to be able to talk about it?
You probably don't havesomebody.
Well, we need to talk about ithere today on the Manhood Tribe
(02:33):
Show here at Manhood Tribes.
My job as your host is to try todo a few things.
I want to give you a clearvision of what it means to be a
man.
I wanna give you a clearchallenge to build strong male
friendships, and I want to showyou a clear path for how you can
do both things.
My name's Don, and I've beenworking with men in a variety of
(02:53):
contexts for a couple decadesnow.
And mostly these are just thingsthat I have learned over time
and by developing closefriendships with other guys who
are dealing with some of thesame things.
So I'm just trying to kind ofoffer my insight and, and wisdom
and experience as best I can tohelp all of us as men.
Because I think it's tough thesedays being a guy.
It is tough in the world that welive in because guys tend to be
(03:16):
pretty isolated from other guys.
And so we don't have a lot ofplaces where we can be honest
about the things that really aredifficult for us.
And this is one of the mostdifficult things that few of us
actually have an opportunity totalk about it.
So maybe I am for the first timeever giving you permission to
actually be honest about thisbeing a problem in your life,
(03:37):
that you feel like you're doingeverything that you know to do,
to be effective as a husband oras a boyfriend, and you're not
getting the reciprocal kind ofattention affection.
Intimacy, physical contact, sex.
Let's be honest that you thinkthat ought to come along with
(03:59):
all of the ways that you aretrying to show up in that
relationship.
You're, you're not a bad guy.
You're not doing things wrong.
You're not out cheating on her,you're not disrespecting her.
You aren't like.
Blowing up your relationship oryour lives together in some
crazy way.
You're not dealing with somekind of like hidden addiction.
You're not like, uh, sinking thefamily into financial ruin.
(04:23):
Maybe you are doing some ofthose things.
We're gonna talk about some ofthat on another episode, so hang
tight if that is you.
But for the most part, that'snot where most guys are.
They're trying to show up.
You're trying to not only be theprovider and the stability for
your family, right?
You're, you're working afull-time job, you're bringing
home a paycheck that eitherhelps or entirely pays the bills
(04:46):
for your family, but you're alsotrying to be the.
Emotional and relational supportof your family.
You're showing up with yourkids.
You're present at activities andfamily events.
You are relationally dialed inand checked in to the things
that are going on in your home.
You have real conversations withyour wife or girlfriend where
you talk about real things.
(05:07):
It's not just details and it'snot just grunts.
Your shared time doesn't amountto just watching some.
You know, binge TV together, youactually have real conversations
and real relationships.
You're, you're trying to beemotionally present, maybe in
some ways that, you know, thatguys haven't always done very
well at.
You're actually trying to dothose things.
You're showing up, you'releading, you're moving forward
(05:29):
in your life.
You're trying to be a success inyour career.
You're trying to set goals andplans for your relationship and
for your family long term.
You, you're doing all the thingsthat you think you know you're
supposed to be doing, andyou're, you're trying to do them
in the right way.
I.
You're carrying a load at home.
You're helping out with thechores.
You're not leaving everything toher.
When women talk about the mentalload that they have to carry
(05:50):
because they have to manage allof the family tasks and all of
the home tasks at the same timeand go to work, you're stepping
in.
You're saying, Hey, let me takesome of that off your plate.
Let me do some of those thingsfor you.
How can I help out?
You're a, you're a present.
Man, you're showing up, and yetthat's not translating into your
relationship getting better.
(06:11):
In fact, it may be gettingworse.
It may be feeling like she'sjust becoming more and more
distant from you.
You're losing her to things likesocial media or binge tv.
You're losing her to the stressof her job that she's working.
You're losing her in all theways that.
You think really would matter toyou.
You don't have the same kind offun, lighthearted conversations
(06:34):
that you maybe once had when youwere dating or early on in your
relationship, especially if younow have kids.
A lot of that kind of just likesheer joy and lightheartedness
seems to just have disappearedfrom your relationship.
You don't see her really likecarving out time to want to be
with you or to be interested inthe things that you are
(06:55):
interested in.
The way that she maybe once was,even if you're trying to do
something like date night, itcan feel like your date night
sort of just devolves intotalking about the details of the
family and she doesn't reallybring up things that seem to
matter to her heart or ask youabout things that matter to your
heart.
And maybe especially the sexjust seems to have kind of
(07:18):
evaporated.
There's really like not a wholelot going on in that department,
and especially not if you don'tinitiate it.
And so it leaves you feelinglike it's one more thing that
you want, that if you're gonnaget it, you have to make it
happen.
Where is she showing up in thosethings?
Where is she in terms of comingthrough for you in the ways that
would really matter to you?
It feels like if you're gonnaget your needs met, you have to
(07:40):
be the one pushing for it, andthat's not really what a
relationship is supposed to beabout.
We're supposed to be mutuallymeeting each other's needs and
coming through for each other,not solely just trying to get
what we want from the otherperson.
Okay, so I'm hoping I'm paintinga picture that sounds or looks a
little bit like what you'redealing with in your
(08:01):
relationship with your wife orgirlfriend.
Now here's the problem as men,because in our world today we
are pretty disconnected fromother men.
Most of us don't have a place tobe able to talk about all of
that.
And so what do we tend to do?
Well, we just retreat inwardabout it.
We obviously don't feel like wecan talk to our wife or our
girlfriend very much about ourproblem because it kind of feels
(08:23):
like she's the problem.
But when we don't talk about it,what do we do?
We get bitter, we get angry, weget frustrated, we get passive
aggressive.
We get really aggressive.
We get all kinds of things thatcan start to just sort of bubble
up in other ways that not onlyare affecting us, but start to
have an effect on ourrelationship as well.
(08:46):
And so as it feels like therelationship begins to spiral,
we men might react in some waysthat kind of create a catch 22
situation.
It's like the relationship isspiraling.
And so we react in negative waysand those negative reactions do
harm to the relationship, andthe relationship keeps spiraling
downward.
And then we react in even morenegative ways, and you get the
(09:07):
picture, it's just a downwardspiral from there.
I.
So what are we gonna do aboutall this?
What as guys can we do to beable to address what's happening
in our relationships with ourwomen there?
How can we begin to recover someof the, the real intimacy?
And when I use the word.
Intimacy.
I'm not just talking about sex,like when I mean sex.
(09:28):
I'll just say sex.
When I say intimacy, I mean thewhole picture there.
Not just physical intimacy, butemotional, relational intimacy
as well.
That there's companionship, thatthere's joy, that there's
affection, that there's just funtimes together doing things that
you both like doing or even justdoing something that the other
one likes doing for the sake ofenjoying that person doing
(09:49):
something that they enjoy.
Where is all that?
How do we recover those things?
Okay.
I think one of the things thatwe have to start with is really
being able to pay attention towhat is going on in our wives
world.
What's going on in the world ofour woman, to be able to know
why is she handling things theway that she's handling things.
(10:10):
And one of the things that Ithink we need to learn to be
empathetic about as men.
Is that for all of the ways thatwe feel like we're dealing with
some of these problems wherewe're carrying more than we ever
have had to, as men, we're doingmore than we've ever been
expected to as men.
The same is also true for themas women.
I.
They are not only being expectedto, uh, show up as they once
(10:34):
have as nurturers and homemakersand loving and supporting wives,
okay?
All of that has been true inprevious generations, but now
they're also expected to show upas workers.
Most women in a home areexpected to have a job these
days because we all kind of needtwo incomes to be able to make
life work, and they're expectedto manage not just the home
(10:56):
details, but all of the familydetails as well.
So not just chores and kind ofkeeping things together around
the house, but like everythingthat the family is doing at
every point in time and amassive calendar of events and
who needs to be where, when, andhow to get.
People to all the places thatthey need to go.
All of those details have tolive in her head as well as just
(11:16):
the responsibilities of runninga household and keeping everyone
clothed and fed and clean andall of that kind of stuff.
Sure.
Guys, help out with some ofthose things, and if you're not,
you should, but.
Doing those things.
She probably owns most of themor feels like she's supposed to
own most of them, and even ifshe doesn't, she might feel
guilty about the fact that shedoesn't own them because other
(11:38):
women do.
And so she's probably fallingbehind there in some ways for
not being able to do all ofthat.
The point is she's feelingprobably just as exhausted as
you are.
She's feeling like the load thatshe has to carry is far more
than she's actually capable ofcarrying.
Now one of the differences therefor men and women is that women
(12:00):
actually talk about these thingswith, with each other.
Men tend to isolate and staydisconnected and to just deal
with it, you know, internally byblowing up.
But women tend to talk about it.
They just don't always talkabout it in ways that are
helpful.
If you check out what womenwatch on social media very often
it's a lot of complaining aboutthe men in their lives.
(12:20):
It's complaining about how theythink we're not helping out
enough, or we're not empatheticenough, or we're not aware of
their mental load, or we're notseeing things the way that they
see things.
And so in a lot of ways, womenturn to social media or to their
friends who are having thosesame kinds of conversations as
their form of empathy.
It's the one place where theyfeel like they're actually seen
(12:41):
and understood.
That's not okay.
Our wives, our girlfriends, needto feel like that we see them
and that we understand them.
And so part of what might beneeded is here is for you to
begin to help your wifeunderstand that you see her
before she's ever gonna see you.
You need to see her.
(13:02):
One of my old mentors used toalways say, in terms of giving
marriage advice, he would say,seek first to understand, then
to be understood.
And this is so hard.
This is hard for men and women,but for us as guys in
particular, when we are in pain,all that we want to do is throw
that pain at someone else untilthey pay attention to us.
And where we probably need tostart is in figuring out how do
(13:24):
we pay attention to our wivesPain.
How do we pay attention towhat's going on for her and
helping her feel seen in ourrelationship that we know how
much she's carrying, weunderstand the load that she's
responsible for.
We appreciate all the ways thatshe tries to do all the things
for us and for our family.
Even just expressing some ofthat and the empathy that comes
(13:46):
along with it can really opensome doors for her to be able to
be honest and to start to seeyou, to start to be able to pay
attention to what's going onwith you more because she
doesn't feel like she has tojust do all of her stuff on her
own and by herself.
She knows that you've got herback and you're paying attention
to those kinds of things withher, and she feels like.
(14:08):
You're a safe place to be ableto talk about those kinds of
things.
That she can be honest whenthings are feeling too hard.
She can come to you and ask forhelp, and she's not gonna be
just met with anger orresistance or bitterness, but
actually with a loving andsupportive husband or partner
who is trying to be able to showup for her in all the ways that
he can.
The second thing is that onceyou've done some of that, you
(14:30):
actually do need to start beinghonest with her about what's
going on with you.
You need to start talking aboutthe ways that maybe you don't
feel seen or some of the waysthat you wish she were more
engaged, or even the dreadedconversations about, Hey, I wish
that you were on social medialess, or, I wish that we were
having sex more frequently.
Like whatever the things thatyou're really wishing were would
(14:51):
happen in your relationship.
It's time to start being honestabout them.
You are going to have to open upand to let her know some of the
things that you want because herworld is so full, just like
yours is that it's hard for herto intuitively grasp the things
that you want and need.
Women by default, tend to bemuch better at this as than men
(15:12):
are, but with the amount ofanxiety that they're carrying
over all of the things that theyhave to do, it's not surprising
that she might.
You know, have less of you onher radar because she's just got
so many things on her radar allat once.
So help her.
Don't be afraid to ask for whatit is that you're needing or to
(15:32):
talk about the things that youwish were true in your
relationship that maybe oncewere and don't feel like they
are today.
How could you get back to someof those places?
One of the best ways that I tryto, uh, counsel guys on doing
this better is if you do havesomething like a date night, try
to make it an actual date.
Think about the ways that youhad dates when you were dating.
(15:53):
You probably didn't talk aboutthe things that you talk about
on your dates now, if you'relike, a lot of guys date night
kind of tends to devolve intojust let's talk about the.
Details of what's going on withthe family calendar.
Like where do I need to be?
When and what's going on hereand what are we planning for
this event that's coming up, andhow much is this bill gonna cost
and how are we gonna pay forthat?
And you know, what sports areour kids involved in and who
(16:15):
needs to be at what game?
There's just, there's a thousanddetails that go into all of
those kinds of things.
And if we're not careful whatlittle time we have with our
wife or our girlfriend getstaken up by those kinds of
things.
Now, that's not what you talkedabout when you were dating.
You talked about each other.
You talked about the things thatyou were interested in.
You talked about the things thatyou were enjoying.
(16:35):
You talked about the things thatyou wanted to be able to enjoy,
but maybe didn't feel like youhad time for at the moment, and
how you'd like to have time forthose things.
And then as a boyfriend whocared about your girlfriend, you
probably.
Try to figure out a way, like,how can I make that happen for
her?
How could I give her that giftor create some space for her in
her life so that she could enjoythose kinds of things?
Recapture your dating life withyour wife or your girlfriend.
(16:58):
Carve out that time and try toreally set some limits and
encourage her to do the same,and just say, Hey, when we go
out on these dates, I reallywould like our conversations to
be about us and about the thingsthat we are enjoying and
enjoying about each other, andnot just about details.
You may need to plan a separatetime in the week to have a
detailed conversation, to justlook at family calendars, to
(17:20):
look at plans and bills and allof the things that go into just
managing your household, andthat's okay.
Set up a separate time to dothat, but try to make dating
time really about the two of youand restoring your relational
connection there.
Another thing that you might beable to help your wife with, as
I've encouraged you to do foryourself is that you might wanna
(17:40):
help her be able to build someclose female friends.
Now, this is one you may haveto.
Tread carefully on, but if yourwife is disconnected from good
female friends in the same waythat you are disconnected from
good male friends, that might besomething to encourage her
towards.
Could she join a small group atchurch?
Can she connect with some of themoms of, uh, kids in your kids'
(18:02):
class?
Can she do some things thatmight help her be able to get
around other good quality?
Women friends and where you haveto be careful that careful there
is that she doesn't just need tohang out with the neighborhood
gossips who are just gonnacomplain about the men in their
lives, right?
That's not helpful for her.
It certainly isn't helpful foryou and it's not productive.
It's not a good use of anybody'stime.
(18:23):
But if you can help her getaround quality friendships, that
can give her a place to be ableto talk about the things that
are important to her and hearfrom other women who might be
able to help.
All of those things are gonna goa long way towards restoring
some of the intimacy in yourrelationship with your wife or
girlfriend.
Okay.
I think we've covered this froma lot of angles.
(18:44):
I've tried to give you a fewjust kind of tips of advice of
things to be able to handle, butthe important thing is there,
look guys, this is a realproblem.
This is a real issue, and itdoes take some specific steps to
try to be able to address it.
If this content has been helpfulfor you, I would ask that you
would like this video andsubscribe to the channel where
we're gonna keep talking aboutthese kinds of things.
I would also ask you to considerjoining our Manhood Tribe's
(19:07):
community, where you're gonnafind other guys who are
interested in the same kinds ofthings that you're hearing about
here on this channel and canhelp each other out as we
explore and navigate what itlooks like to be a man, how to
get better in those things.
How to grow in our faith as menwho follow Jesus.
And also how to develop closefriendships with other
like-minded men.
(19:27):
Just go to manhoodtribes.com/community and you can
sign up for the list to find outwhen our community opens, and
you can be a part of it there.
All right, I wanna leave youhere by encouraging you to
comment on this video below.
I.
And the question that I wouldask is, what's one thing that
you wish your wife or girlfriendsaw about you?
(19:48):
What is something that you wishthat she noticed about you at
the moment?
Leave that comment below and Iwill engage with you as I can,
and I look forward to talking toyou next time here on the
Manhood Tribes Channel.
I'll see you then.
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