July 16, 2023 • 50 mins
Are you ready to embrace the pleasure in life and connect more deeply with yourself and others? In our enlightening conversation with Jamie Lerner, co-author of The Everloving Essence of You, we explore her unique ability to reframe difficult situations and how she transitioned from a career in psychotherapy to an integrative approach to well-being. We know you'll be inspired by her powerful insights on self-love, personal responsibility, and becoming a pleasure junkie.
Throughout our discussion, Jamie emphasizes the importance of establishing connections with ourselves and others, and reveals how self-compassion can lead to profound growth. Learn how to identify your life story, forgive yourself and others, and harness the power of choice to create a sense of self-care. We also delve into the joys of becoming a pleasure junkie and the steps you can take to cultivate this mindset in your own life.
Join us in this empowering episode as we uncover the secrets to living fully in the present moment, cherishing our bodies, and fostering stronger relationships. By embracing Jamie's wisdom, you'll be well on your way to cultivating a stronger sense of self and creating a more vibrant, pleasurable life. Don't miss out on this opportunity to learn from a woman who has navigated her own journey and is now helping others do the same.
Connect with Jamie on all of her platforms:
Feeling inspired by the episode? Please share the love by passing it on to a soul sister and leave us a 5 star review. Thank you for joining us on your journey in creating the life your future self is proud of. We are so grateful for your support.
Follow us on Instagram @manifestationandmimosas and our TikTok for more fun and inspirational content.
Sending you love and goddess vibes.
Cheers,
Nicole & Sophia
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome back to the show.
We have our first interview ofthe season, which we're super
excited to share with you.
Yes, and more to come.
If you want to be a part of theshow, be interviewed, be
featured on the show, we have alink in our website.
We'll put it in the show notesand you can click on it and
follow to our calendar And youwill get all the tools you need
(00:23):
to help you schedule with us.
Know about the interviewingprocess.
It's really exciting.
Yeah, we have several moreinterviews lined up for the rest
of the summer now.
Yes, so people are reaching out, they're finding us.
Yeah, i love it.
Speaker 2 (00:37):
Right, yep, and really an array too.
So there's a couple.
I'm obviously not going to sayright, this second, you know,
but a wide variety of likecareers and paths and life
changing.
You know stories, and so youknow, and if you have some of
that, hop on and let us know andlet's hook it up.
Speaker 1 (00:56):
Yeah, and our intentions, like we said, we
want to be intentional thisseason.
Yeah, so the intentions ofevery interview we do obviously
will be slightly different, butthe overall intention is to
share with you the wisdom fromother women who are on their
journey.
They've discovered something.
They have, you know, learnedsomething, manifested, they're
(01:16):
doing something great, leveledup in their life.
Yeah, they're sharing with you,they're sharing with us because
we want to learn too.
So, yeah, in the episode, youknow, we got to ask a lot of our
own personal questions Yeah.
Of Jamie, and we'll do that inevery episode just to try to,
you know, get a little littlefreebie Yeah.
Speaker 2 (01:32):
For ourselves.
Speaker 1 (01:34):
But we do love it.
So.
so, yeah, we're, and now we'regoing to tell you a little bit
about Jamie and her bio.
So set you up for the episode.
Yeah, Take it away.
Speaker 2 (01:43):
So yes, according to her bio, jamie Lerner is a
co-author of the book TheEverloving Essence of You, which
I loved.
She can put a fresh spin onjust about anything that anyone
throws her way.
Her unique and masterfulability to reframe even the most
difficult situations isastounding.
All of a sudden, your biggestnightmare becomes your greatest
(02:03):
pleasure, as she lovingly helpsyou sift through and the
contrast and find that smallopening of light that quickly
becomes your greatest jumpingoff point for clarity.
Loved, unassuming, reassuringand seemingly without any sense
of ego, jamie Lerner is able toput everyone and everything at
ease.
Speaker 1 (02:22):
So Jamie is an asset to any corporate setting.
She's easily available tountangle the issues at hand and
move right along into helpingfacilitate a solution-based
platform for creative,productive good feeling,
collaboration and change.
Jamie can most often be seenworking with adults, teens,
children and couples, as well aswith small groups.
She never positions herself asthe expert of anything and is
(02:45):
always reminding you that it isyou who knows best for yourself,
always, which I love, that Iknow It's the truth behind it
all, absolutely.
She mentioned in the episode.
she's just there, she's sort ofguiding and facilitating.
Yeah, but again, even we saythis.
We're not experts.
We're just here to share ourjourney.
And if you learn something fromit.
Speaker 2 (03:02):
it's great Well and she said during the interview
she was like I have such astrong sense of self.
I've always listened to my owninner voice and inner guidance
and it definitely seems likethat's her strategy, sort of is
to be like what is feeling goodfor you right now.
It's not what.
I think, you should do, orsomeone else, or whoever in your
life.
You're not relying on them tomake this choice.
It's all about your direction,your compass your personal sense
(03:27):
of self.
Yes, and she is aself-proclaimed pleasure junkie.
Yeah, so that's what we're goingto call this episode.
Speaker 1 (03:37):
And tune in to get some tips on how you can be a
pleasure junkie too.
Yes, please, all right.
Well, enjoy the interview Yeah,welcome, jamie Lerner, to the
Goddess Fives Studio and to theshow.
We're super excited to have youhere.
Thank you for inviting me.
First, just set the stage withour audience.
A little bit about who you are,a little bit about your
backstory and what you do.
Speaker 3 (03:59):
I was trained as a psychotherapist and realized
that that was not really servingmyself or others.
So after a long time being in aprivate practice, I gave it up
and traveled and I was like Igave it up and traveled and
studied and doing something verydifferent now, which is the
(04:19):
integrative approach towell-being, which is assisting
people in assisting themselvesfrom getting to where they are
to where they want to be, Andit's a very fun, humor-filled,
quick process.
Speaker 2 (04:33):
How did you jump from going?
this is no longer serving me to, it seems.
I guess from an outsider'sperspective, like seems like you
just did it, no problem.
How did you make thattransition?
Speaker 3 (04:46):
So I was born with a knowing.
I think we all are.
However, i only heard my ownvoice throughout my entire life,
which is really a big problemfor people in authority, because
I was impossible to influence.
I didn't listen to anybodyexcept my own voice And, yeah,
(05:07):
it created a lot of problems inmy younger years and even in my
older years.
So I studied psychology and Igot my MSW in social work and I
ended up having very quickly aprivate practice And it was
(05:30):
really interesting to me.
However, what I was doing and Ithink what psychotherapy does is
it keeps people where they are.
They're always looking back andthey're always blaming their
significant others or parents orand they really don't have any
(05:50):
way to be in the here and nowand move forward.
So after doing that for a while, intuitively I knew like this
is not working for me.
I don't think I'm assistingother people, i'm not
encouraging them to step in aplace of their own personal
power, and so but here I had areally thriving private practice
(06:10):
and I thought there's nevergoing to be a good time to do
this, and so I just said do it.
And I did it.
And as soon as I did it, it waslike such a big relief for me,
because it's hard when you knowyou're someplace that you don't
belong.
So, oh yeah, and I just neverlooked back.
Speaker 2 (06:31):
I feel like you seem to have a really strong sense of
self, and your book, of course,right on the front page, says
create a long-term,term-connected relationship with
yourself.
How do you inspire women to dothat?
Speaker 3 (06:48):
Well, first of all, i think that people don't even
know that that's an option whichis so wrong.
And it's kind of like what yougirls had said in your
introductory, where you saidwe're all doing great, but then
there's so much more.
And when you allow people toeven think about that as an
(07:08):
option, i think that's a goodstart.
But my issue was that I wasalways connected to myself, but
I did not have a connection tomy mother.
So it was really hard for me tofigure that out, and then I
realized that I didn't have aconnection to her because she
didn't have a connection withherself.
So it was kind of like thisexploratory journey for me to
(07:32):
sort all that out and then writea book based on oh, my goodness
, we really could create thismoment-to-moment, long-term
connection with ourself, andwhen we do that then we're able
to connect with everyone else ornot.
But it becomes like a reallynice option.
Speaker 1 (07:50):
I was reading your book and you spoke a little bit
about your childhood And itsounds like you had a very
interesting upbringing differentpeople coming into your life.
Can you tell us any more aboutthat?
Speaker 3 (08:04):
Well, my parents, they were amazing.
So our house was like arevolving door of Annie's and
international students and alldifferent kinds of people And my
parent.
Well, we grew up in the 70s.
It was a very different timeAnd my parents were like super
cool, so they didn't give memuch to push against.
(08:28):
There's five of us And theywere kind of busy doing their
own thing.
So in some ways that was reallywonderful for me personally
because it allowed me to reallyhear my voice, follow my voice,
know myself, and that was reallyhelpful for me particularly.
(08:50):
But then the piece of not beingconnected to my mom then I was
like, oh my god, if I could onlybe a better person or if I
could only be a better student.
I kept thinking, what can I doto have this connection with
this person that brought me intothe world?
So that has pretty much been mykind of issue.
But it was all resolved whenshe was intubated and
(09:15):
hospitalized And we sat togetherfor five days And really it
made so much sense that it wasall about her inability to
connect with herself.
Speaker 2 (09:23):
So the book is really a tribute to her and teaching
me to know myself and lovemyself And yeah, What is your
advice to women who feel likethey don't have that instinctual
connection or that immediateconnection with their mom or
maybe perhaps a sister in theirsituation or whoever is that
(09:44):
bond they have.
They don't quite feel thatconnection.
Do you have any advice to givethem to search for that?
Speaker 3 (09:52):
Yes, i think to start thinking in terms of being
compassionate towards thatperson, because the inability to
connect with someone else has alot to do with their inability
to be connected to themselves.
So, generally, don't take aperson If you're not connected
to yourself.
It's not like you're going tobe hand picking who to connect
(10:12):
to, you're just not connected.
Speaker 2 (10:14):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (10:15):
So, and then to use that person as your excuse to
look back at yourself and toexplore how to maintain or just
create and recreate theconnection with yourself.
And when do we do that?
It feels so good?
Speaker 2 (10:29):
Yeah, I mean just personally, I have a fractured
relationship with my own motherAnd it's difficult not to go if
she would just do this, or if Icould only do this, or if this
thing had happened differently.
So yeah, maybe connecting tomyself instead.
Speaker 3 (10:44):
And also forgiving her or whoever the person is,
because it's not like they won't, they can't, yeah, and when you
understand it that way, itfeels better.
It's not like they can, andthen they're just choosing to
diss you.
No, they're disconnected anddisconnected.
It's disconnected.
Speaker 2 (11:05):
Yes.
Speaker 3 (11:06):
So use that person as your excuse to just be so
connected to you.
Speaker 2 (11:12):
I love that.
That's beautiful, yeah, andthen you end up thanking that
person.
Speaker 3 (11:17):
I end up feeling so appreciative of my mom and my
relationship with her, becauseif it wasn't for her and that
relationship, I don't know if Iever would have figured this out
.
So Yeah.
Speaker 1 (11:30):
Do you have any specific practices?
I know there's some in the bookas well on tips on how to get
through that, but for ouraudience in this episode, is
there a practice they can do forthis type of forgiveness or
anything you could offer?
Speaker 3 (11:46):
It's really hard to forgive anyone until you forgive
yourself, and I think becausewe tend to blame ourselves and
feel like it's something thatwe're either doing or not doing.
So we have to forgive ourselvesfirst and allow ourselves to be
where we are and embraceourselves from where we are and
begin to love and appreciateourselves, like not what other
(12:08):
people are appreciating about us, but what are we appreciating
about ourselves?
Speaker 1 (12:13):
That's so different, Also changing your storyline.
That part spoke to us becausewe talk a lot about your life is
in this story, this book, andyou're creating the chapters And
we love that analogy.
So can you talk more about yourtheory on changing your
storyline and how?
Speaker 3 (12:34):
important.
That is, some people don't evenknow their mantra or what their
story is and what they'retelling other people, because
they've done it for so long andit's so practiced They don't
even know what they're saying.
But to begin to hear that storyand then understand, does that
story feel good when you'retelling it?
(12:55):
If it does, great, keep tellingit.
It probably doesn't, though.
So if it doesn't feel good, itprobably isn't good.
So how can you soften the toneof it?
How can you fact check it?
How can you edit it?
How can you make a betterconnection with yourself so that
you understand what you'resaying about yourself and how
(13:19):
you're feeling about?
that is in alignment.
And if it doesn't feel good, ok, so now what?
Yes, can you create a betterfeeling story just by changing a
few words or softening the tone.
Or sometimes it's a story thatsomeone told you.
You don't even know if it'strue, but you just kind of took
(13:41):
it on and ran with it And yougot so much attention, because
the more drama and trauma, themore attention we get.
So you know.
Speaker 2 (13:52):
That's so true.
Speaker 1 (13:55):
I was going to ask too.
I loved how you talked aboutcontrast and we've heard you
know the Abraham Hicks book.
She talks a lot about contrastbut it still is something that's
quite hard to you called itselective sifting.
Can you talk more aboutcontrast and how to see it and
utilize it and kind of changeyour perspective of when things,
(14:17):
when crappy things, happen inyour life that sort of vibe.
Speaker 3 (14:21):
Well, we don't even know what we want until
something happens that we don'twant.
So I always like embrace,contact, contrast, because I
think like, okay, great, this issomething like that I do not
want.
So as a result of this, thequestion becomes what do I want?
most people are not comfortableasking themselves what they
want.
They're always like pointing towhat they don't want, and the
(14:45):
more you point to what you don'twant, the more you have what
you don't want.
So it's just kind of that way.
So to begin to kind of tuneinto yourself and when you hear
yourself talk about all thethings you don't want, kind of
laugh about it, because here wego again from that.
Okay, what do you want you?
(15:06):
know, and and that question isreally scary for people, but it
doesn't have to box you and itchanges moment to moment what we
want, but it all comes fromwhat we don't want.
Speaker 2 (15:18):
What type of advice do you have for women who think
it's selfish to have what theywant, to have the life that they
want?
Speaker 3 (15:24):
I think that comes from a place of using everyone
in your life is an excuse not toexplore it, and we do that,
especially as women.
We use our children, ourhusbands, our boyfriends, our
girlfriends, our employees youknow everyone is a very
convenient excuse why we are notgoing to take the time for
ourselves and create a lovingrelationship.
(15:45):
So I think it's just bullshit.
But if you want to takeresponsibility for that and say
I'm using all these people as anexcuse, i applaud that, because
that is really stepping intoyour personal power, taking
personal responsibility and youare no longer a victim.
Speaker 1 (16:03):
That's brilliant but it's a choice.
Yeah, we just did an episode onbecoming her and stepping into
your main character and wetalked a lot about that victim
mentality and you know how tokind of get out of it.
But do you have any more tipsfor women who it's really
challenging or maybe they'resurrounded by people who are in
(16:23):
that vibe?
I think I see that a lot where,like, everyone around us is in
victim, so then you get suckedinto it.
Yeah, what's?
how can we deal?
I think we have to tune intohow it feels.
Speaker 3 (16:34):
How does it feel to be a victim?
Yeah, if that feels good to you, run with it.
Usually, people do not feelgood being a victim, so that's
really where it begins, is howdoes it feel?
I would say that when you havea better relationship with
yourself, you'll have much lessfriends, you'll have less
(16:56):
attention, you'll have a smalleraudience, but you will be a
better mother, wife, friend,sister, whatever because the
relationship with ourselves isthe basis for every other
relationship we go on to havewith another.
Speaker 2 (17:15):
It is really difficult.
We've been talking a lot abouthow June so far has been kind of
chaotic.
Oh my god, we're very busy,we're struggling, we have
families, we have jobs, we haveeverything kind of going on.
And I've noticed lately it'sreally difficult for me to just
feel what I'm feeling, to juststop and be like that's okay
(17:36):
that you're feeling this way andactually allow my body to feel
it.
I kind of want to kick it outand move on to the next thing
and stuff it in the closet.
Do you have any?
Speaker 3 (17:44):
tips on that As a gift to yourself.
Acknowledge that that's yourchoice.
Say, at this moment, i know Ineed to sit and feel all this,
but I'm not, and so I'm givingmyself permission to do that.
Yeah, okay, that will feel somuch better.
Mm-hmm, so it's somethingyou've chosen.
It's not happening to you.
You're consciously choosing,even if you don't think it's the
(18:07):
right decision.
Okay, you might make anotherdecision in 10 minutes but, you
know, heart yourself on the flat.
Give yourself some grace.
It's a moment, and then there'sthe next moment.
Speaker 2 (18:20):
I love the statement about in 10 minutes you might
make a different choice.
Speaker 3 (18:26):
Yes, it's a moment to moment.
That's what life is.
It's just one moment to thenext.
It's one moment and the nextmoment, and that goes for
everything.
If we make a decision, we mightmake a different decision in
five minutes, and that's okay.
I love that.
So we tend to box ourselves in,and it doesn't need to be that
(18:47):
way, mm-hmm.
Speaker 1 (18:50):
Yeah, it's giving me a lot of calming energy, right
now.
Yes, like.
Paul said I don't know ifyou're in a different, maybe,
state than us, because I mean Idon't know if you've been
feeling, i don't know if there'sastrological stuff going on,
but June has been nuts And so Imean I've been challenged,
(19:11):
trying to get centered, and it'sjust been so crazy.
Oh my God, are you feeling anyof that, or are you just like?
Speaker 3 (19:18):
I am so practiced, i am so sensitive to how I feel
that if I even get into that forone minute, i don't have much
tolerance for not feeling good.
I'm a pleasure junkie So I knowI have control every moment.
It's true, like what I chooseto think about and how I choose
to feel.
So I don't let anyone get to me, which is maddening.
(19:41):
I mean, i have children, i havegrandchildren and it's really
hard for them because they wantto get to me.
But I'm like no, i'm important.
I am more important in terms ofhow I feel than any of this
nonsense.
So I'm like not interested inbeing sucked in, which doesn't
mean that I tune them out.
It just means I allow myself tobe where I am.
(20:04):
I allow them to be where theyare and it has nothing to do
with me where they are.
So I mind my own business a lot.
Speaker 2 (20:12):
That's fantastic.
Speaker 3 (20:13):
Really nice.
It's really nice God that'sgood.
Speaker 1 (20:19):
I want to be a pleasure junkie.
Speaker 2 (20:20):
Me too.
Speaker 1 (20:21):
That's good, i see you too.
Speaker 2 (20:23):
Treasure junkie How?
Speaker 1 (20:24):
do you?
Okay, so all the womenlistening.
they want to be pleasurejunkies.
I mean, i know you said you'revery practiced and that's what
we're in season two.
We're in our own practice,we're growing.
Eventually we'll get there.
What's some tips or some stepsfirst, few steps to take to
become a pleasure junkie.
Speaker 3 (20:45):
Well, to take the first few minutes of your day,
whatever time that is.
For me it's very early I'm atfive every morning but I use
that first few minutes of theday to address me.
It's me first.
I think about what am Iappreciative about myself, for
myself, about myself, and thatis very nurturing and nourishing
(21:08):
for me.
I'll have coffee.
I'll just really get myselfcenter and I'll feel like I've
given to me first and now I'mready to do for everybody else,
and I think that sets the toneand gives you a message that
you're important.
Yeah, and then you're oftenrunning, but you're often
(21:30):
running not in a resentful waygiving and giving and giving to
people where you don't haveanything.
It's almost like you're justextending this lovely help, like
to make lunches or to drivechildren or whatever it is.
It doesn't feel like it'sanything you have to do, but you
(21:52):
want to do it and you'refeeling good doing it.
It feels good to the people onthe receiving end.
It's like a win-win foreverybody.
Speaker 2 (22:00):
Beautiful.
Speaker 3 (22:01):
It's easy and it doesn't cost anything.
It's available for everybody.
Speaker 2 (22:07):
Yes, how much time do you think you spend being
mindful?
first thing in the morning?
20 minutes tops.
Speaker 3 (22:14):
But that goes a long way because if you would ask
people how much time they arereally in their body feeling
good about themselves, beingsitting with themselves, i don't
think people do it for even 10minutes a day.
Speaker 2 (22:27):
Not five minutes a day, far not enough, for sure,
yes.
Speaker 3 (22:31):
Well, yes, but once again it really sends a
beautiful message to you thatyou're important, not that
someone else is going to put youfirst and make you important,
but it's coming from you to you.
I love that That goes so muchfurther than somebody else
putting you first.
Speaker 2 (22:51):
Oh, that's beautiful.
So I would like to talk aboutthe art of allowing, which you
discuss a lot.
I think it can be tricky, it'svery tricky.
Speaker 3 (23:04):
Yes, it's very tricky .
Okay, it is tricky because theonly way we can do it is to be
non-judgmental of ourselves andnon-judgmental of us.
Most of the time that we'relooking out there making
judgments about people we don'teven know what they're wearing,
what they're saying, how theylook, whatever.
(23:25):
That's a great indication thatwe are, in that moment, very
judgmental of ourselves.
That's classic projection.
Yeah, when we identify that, weshould really laugh and be like
okay, here we go again And askourselves a question What is it
in this moment that is keepingme disconnected from myself?
(23:49):
Like what am I thinking aboutmyself?
that I am judging about myselfVery.
It doesn't even matter if youknow.
But the question to turn itback on you is helpful, but to
do it gently, not to judgeyourself.
(24:10):
And oh my God, and what's wrongwith that?
It's almost in a lovinglycurious way.
Speaker 2 (24:17):
Yeah Well, and we've said lots of times, curiosity is
key.
Like get curious about why areyou feeling this way or why are
you expressing that judgment orjudging on yourself, or whatever
.
Speaker 3 (24:28):
Yeah, and the moment you do that, it's interesting
how your eyes softens toeverything else that you see.
And then, once that happens,you really are able to allow
yourselves to be where you areAnd you don't care where anyone
else is, it's none of yourbusiness.
Where they are is fine, and youextend that allowing to others,
(24:50):
and that's a really nice way tomove about the work.
Speaker 2 (24:53):
Like I feel like in my chain of events of my life I
rely on other people a lot forthings to go smoothly.
If they're in a different placethan I am, it's difficult for
me to go.
You know what.
You're, where you are and I'mwhere I am.
I feel like I start carryingmore of the load and then I
become resentful.
Absolutely, can you give?
Speaker 3 (25:12):
a concrete example.
Speaker 2 (25:18):
Well, i guess for a very relevant example, we're
throwing my son's graduationparty tomorrow.
He's just graduated high school.
We're all very proud of him,but I feel like, thank you, i
feel like the boatload ofresponsibility has fallen on me
and my spouse has you know.
I feel like I'm picking up theslack and I'm becoming more
(25:39):
resentful of him and not justsaying like I realize that you
know, you feel like you haveless time than I do, or whatever
.
You know the case is.
I start to bottle thatresentment up instead of
allowing, using the art ofallowing, and just saying like,
okay, this is, it's all going toget done, because I doubt it.
I start to feel very stressed.
Speaker 3 (26:00):
So it comes back to the question which feels better?
Does it feel better to delegateto him or does it feel better
to do it yourself?
That's good.
If it feels better to do ityourself, then do it in a way
that's very loving.
Because you're choosing Yeah,if it feels better to delegate
(26:23):
to him, then in a very nice way,just make it clear to him by
handing him a list of like okay,these are the things you're in
charge of in a very nice way Andthat's it.
But we like get in our head inthese conversations back and
forth, and back and forth, backand forth, why he can't do this,
why you need to do it, and itjust becomes like this mind fuck
of unnecessary anything.
(26:46):
No, yeah, which feels better,it feels better to delegate,
delegate.
If it feels better to do ityourself, do it yourself
no-transcript.
Speaker 1 (26:55):
And then is the key when you're delegating it, then
you need to surrender control ofhow it's done.
Speaker 3 (27:03):
Well, if you yes, because if you like, you know
your husband.
So if you were to give him alist, a specific list, to go to
the grocery store like, could hefollow the specific list?
Speaker 2 (27:16):
I want to say yes, he may call me three or four times
, but he's not going to getthrough it.
Speaker 3 (27:22):
Okay, so would he appreciate the list, though the
specific list?
Yes, he would appreciate that,right?
Yes, and especially if it wouldlike meant a lot to you and you
empowered him and you said,like you know you're really good
at this.
Yes, So like, thank you so much, i so appreciate that you're
going to like take charge ofthis and do a great job.
Yeah, it's the same thing withdelegating for the graduation,
(27:43):
and I think we don't do enoughempowering of ourselves because
we believe that they can't do it, because we are not going to
delegate, because we need to getit done a certain way.
Speaker 2 (27:56):
Right.
Speaker 3 (27:57):
Control, okay, yeah, which is which is okay, but you
just have to be aware, and so,once again, if it feels better
to do it yourself, then just doyourself and feel good about it,
or give him a chance, you know,and a little encouragement, and
don't know, maybe he wouldsurprise you.
He'd probably feel really proudof himself And he'd probably
(28:17):
feel like, wow, like I couldactually be part of this
graduation party.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (28:23):
I love that This also may have turned into a personal
therapy session for me.
Speaker 3 (28:28):
No, But these things are so common.
Yeah, they really are, they'rereally common.
Speaker 2 (28:35):
You have to imagine our audience is going to be like
, yep, how do?
Speaker 3 (28:38):
I do that.
Speaker 2 (28:39):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (28:41):
Mine will fall from the grocery store.
He'll FaceTime me and be likeis it this one or this one?
Speaker 3 (28:47):
And from that we have to be so appreciative that
they're taking that step.
I mean because certainly forthem to choose it themselves it
would be wrong, you know, wejust it would be wrong.
Speaker 2 (28:55):
Yeah, and I feel like I'm right in this moment, kind
of realizing the importance ofthem wanting to do it right,
wanting to get the one that wewould prefer, rather than just
being like who cares, like theycare what we think, they care
what we want, and that's whythey're asking this one of that
one.
Yeah, they're not so bad.
Speaker 3 (29:15):
No, they're really not, and I think the idea of
being more appreciative of thepeople in our life goes a long
way.
It feels good to appreciateothers, it feels good to
appreciate our songs, and alittle appreciation goes a
really long way with people.
Speaker 1 (29:35):
I love that.
I have a selfish one for me butalso for our audience.
No, it's good.
We're never going to stopSeason one.
we get some episodes and it wasin our top five on self-love
and my virtue for this year.
My seed of intention for thisyear for me is to really live in
that loving energy for myselfand loving to others, and it's
(29:57):
getting out of judgment ofmyself and others and all that
stuff.
But I think a lot of womenstruggle to love themselves and,
like you know, when you'relooking in the mirror and you're
, like you know, pinching thebody parts and struggling a lot
with that lately, about just notfeeling happy with body and
image, do you have any words ofwisdom?
(30:18):
How do you appreciate it?
Yeah, it's hard, it's reallyhard.
Speaker 3 (30:23):
I think we don't know if we appreciate ourselves.
I think that we are so tunedout of how we feel in our body
because we are so out ofdirecting you know the social
media and just everything.
So I think it's really good tolike get in your mind, like when
(30:46):
you're looking at your body,and ask yourself, like how do
you really feel about your body?
and find something toappreciate, because you know,
you see these interviews withthese gorgeous model, you know,
and these people don't liketheir bodies either.
Yeah, and you're like of courseyou don't.
I mean, this has nothing to dowith your size, it has nothing
(31:09):
to do with it.
It has nothing to do with anyof that.
We live in a world where I meanI think it's gotten better,
body acceptance has gottenbetter, but the underlying tone
is you could do more, yes, andthat's just bullshit, like you,
but you have to do it from theinside out.
It has to be like what do youappreciate about your body?
Speaker 2 (31:32):
Yeah, it's like looking back at old photos and
being like man.
I was so cute, like I was hotAnd at that time I was like your
hips are so big, whatever.
Speaker 1 (31:48):
But, now.
Speaker 3 (31:49):
I look at it and I'm like you dumb, dumb, you were
super hot.
Speaker 2 (31:51):
What were you thinking?
Now I'm like well, that's gone.
I'm like what?
I'm going like okay.
Speaker 3 (31:59):
Okay, but this is the thing If your husbands or
boyfriends or friends orwhatever thought that you looked
so good and you didn't feellike you look so good, you
wouldn't even hear that, youwouldn't even entertain that.
That's why it's so importantfor you to formulate an opinion
about yourself, for yourself,that nobody can rock.
(32:20):
Who cares what people thinkabout how you look?
How do you feel about how youlook?
Yeah, and it's such animportant thing to work on with
our children.
Speaker 1 (32:32):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (32:33):
You know this idea of , like, just individual self
expression having nothing to dowith what others think.
Speaker 1 (32:40):
Yes, But can we peel it apart just a little, like,
okay, when you're like how doyou feel about you, know how you
look and like what?
if the answer is I hate it,like what do you hate?
Speaker 3 (32:53):
Like that's too big.
You hate what?
Like what?
What do you hate?
Speaker 1 (32:57):
My belly my pooch, my little.
Speaker 3 (33:01):
Do you have children?
Yeah, where do you think?
where do those children comefrom?
My belly?
I'm serious, like that is likea part of your body, that's like
, oh my God, yeah.
You know without that, likeyou're child, wouldn't even be
there.
Yeah, certainly it couldn't bedepending on your partner for
that.
No, you know you have to makepeace with, find some
(33:26):
appreciation for that, and Iwould bet that, whoever your
partners are, they don't see youthe way you do.
They're not picking you apartthe way you're picking yourself
apart.
Yeah, there's just, first ofall, men.
See women in squares.
Men can't even see like a wholebody part.
It's true, like we think thatall these things we see about
(33:50):
ourselves, that our boyfriendsor husbands or girlfriends, they
don't.
Yeah, you just don't.
And you see these uberconfident women that are like
bigger and beautiful And it'slike they command the room when
they walk in because they justfeel so good about themselves.
Speaker 1 (34:09):
Yeah, Okay, I want that.
Speaker 2 (34:12):
Yeah, I feel like this is tying kind of neatly And
we have already talked aboutright like, change your
storyline.
But when it feels difficult,where do you start?
Just start with theappreciation and then move your
way into story.
Speaker 3 (34:29):
I mean, i think first you have to fact check.
Is this shit even true?
Yeah, This story like is eventrue in this moment.
Is this your life right now, orwas this your life like 20
years ago?
Like that's ridiculous.
Why are you telling this 20year old story?
You know, edit it, update it,soften the tone of it.
(34:50):
You know, use whatever happenedthen as a wonderful excuse for
where you are right now.
You have to find some goodfeeling about the moment.
Yeah, if it doesn't likecoincide with your story, give
up this fucking story.
Speaker 1 (35:11):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (35:13):
And start over.
Speaker 1 (35:15):
Love that.
I'm really gonna embody thatthis next week, this season,
Like let's do it For sure.
So can I ask how women so you,you're helping women are?
are they signing up to getcoached by you?
Like what's, how do theyconnect with you, How do they
find you?
And like what's your process?
Speaker 3 (35:34):
So I work with people who want to take personal
responsibility, because the onlyway to work with me is to go to
my website and to free it allthat.
I do not talk to anyone aboutmoney Everything's on there.
I don't talk to anyone aboutsessions Everything's on there.
They contact me and they tellme what they need in terms of
(35:55):
time.
And then I set up a session withthem And then, because I don't
know what you want, you knowwhat you want.
I don't know what you need.
You know what you need And mostpeople are not used to hearing
it.
Yeah, most people are used tobeing told what they need and
what they want, so it's veryit's a very different approach.
It's very empowering for theperson that wants to work with
(36:17):
me, because they're in controlAnd I also have a great service
called the quickie, which is alovely texting option which I
just love, and it's the samewith them.
So people just choose them on atime they prepaid, i set up a
session with them And that'swhat it is.
Speaker 2 (36:38):
How do you help them find their way?
if they say I really don't knowwhat I want.
I really don't know who I am, Idon't know what I want.
I feel like I'm totally in thedark, Like what's your
flashlight that you give them tohelp them find their way to
that?
Speaker 3 (36:52):
The question is do you want to?
Oh yeah, do you want to?
Do you want to know yourself?
Do you want to love yourself?
It's a question And some peopleare like, no, and I'm like I
get it, it's okay, you'llprobably find anyone.
But a lot of people are like,yeah, i do, because you got to
(37:13):
want it for yourself, we can'twant it for others.
It's hard because when we haveit, we want everybody to have it
.
Most people don't want it, tobe honest.
Most people are not interested.
It's just not.
It's okay.
Misery loves company.
Most people are not interestedin improving their lives.
They're interested incomplaining about their lives.
(37:34):
They're interested in being thevictim of their lives.
They're interested in beingstuck.
It's okay, i respect all ofthat, but take responsibility
for it.
You're choosing it.
You're choosing it.
Okay, it wouldn't be my choice.
Speaker 2 (37:49):
But okay, man.
Oh my God, it's hard topersonally, it's hard to have
compassion, sometimes, forsomeone who's like.
I am choosing the victim.
clearly, i am choosing that.
this is what I want my life tobe and I want you to co-sign on
that.
Speaker 3 (38:06):
Well.
So you can be compassionatebecause you can allow them to be
that way, but you don't have toco-sign, you don't have to be
part of it, you don't have toenable it.
You can just honor it, be likeokay, you know, if that's what
you want, i totally understand.
That doesn't mean that you'reparticipating in it.
Speaker 2 (38:25):
Right, yeah, you talking your book about not
asking the people around you tochange in order to love yourself
.
Speaker 3 (38:34):
Never, Never And it really is pisses my kids off.
They're like, mom, you liteveryone off the hook And I'm
like, I know, isn't this amazing?
They're like, no, something'swrong with you.
I'm like, no, it feels so muchbetter, Like I am in 100%
control of how I'm going to feeland what I'm going to think
about.
And no, I don't, I'm notdepending on anybody for how I
(38:57):
feel about myself.
No way.
Why would I do that?
Why would I give up all thatpower to other people?
How that's beautiful, I mean it.
just it doesn't even make sense.
But you know, most people thinklike how did you get there?
And I really think that I was sotuned in to me because I knew I
(39:20):
didn't have the connection withmy mom.
It had to be me.
Yeah, if you look at like smallchildren and babies and their
mother, they're so dependent.
But when that's not there, likewhat do you have?
You have to go back to yourself.
So that's why, in the end, iwas so appreciative of her, like
in many ways, like that was mylife one.
Yeah, so it's.
(39:43):
I think that we all can get backto ourselves And I think we all
know for ourselves And I think,intuitively, we all love
ourselves And it feels likecoming home when we do it And
then we're so much better forother people.
So if you're not going to do itfor yourself, do it for other
people.
Oh my God, you know it is awin-win.
(40:05):
But the thing too is like itdoesn't matter how or why.
You know for yourself.
When you know for yourself, youknow for yourself Intuitively,
you just know.
Now you can hear yourself andmake the choice.
Like I know for myself, ishould do this, i'm choosing not
to, okay, or I know for myselfand I'm choosing to.
(40:28):
That is very important toremember all the times you knew
for yourself.
It doesn't matter what youchose to do about it, but it
reinforces that you always knowfor yourself.
Speaker 2 (40:39):
Always.
I can talk a little bit aboutprocrastination also.
Speaker 3 (40:44):
And I love procrastination.
Speaker 2 (40:46):
You turn it on its head because I'm like don't you
put it off, we have to do itright now and very structured
and very organized.
Speaker 3 (40:53):
And so reading that bit, i was like come on, you do
this for yourself or you'retelling others.
Speaker 2 (40:59):
I mean now.
I'm confused about it.
Speaker 1 (41:04):
Now I'm like I don't know.
Speaker 2 (41:05):
I don't know if I'm doing it because I think it's
going to make me feel better, orbecause I think it will make
the environment better, or if Ithink I just check things off my
list and I can finally be done.
Speaker 3 (41:14):
The thing about procrastination is, when you
have to do something and youreally don't want to do it,
don't do it.
The outcome is never successful, it just isn't So.
Procrastination is a reminderthat you need to pause and get
in alignment with the task ofhim.
That's it.
So you say I'm supposed to dothis right now.
(41:36):
I feel like it, okay.
Then you come back to it alittle bit later.
I'm supposed to do this, i'mfeeling it Okay.
Eventually you'll feel betterabout it and do it.
You got to trust yourself, yeah.
And then when you do do it, itfeels so much better.
You're doing it now because youwant to, not because you have
(41:57):
to.
So it really speaks to trustingyourself and knowing yourself,
loving yourself.
Have you ever missed a deadline?
No, does everyone have theirown system?
A lot of people wait to thelast minute.
That's okay.
You know yourself so well.
You'll wait to the last minuteand you'll pull it off.
Okay, that's not a problem.
It's a system, yeah, anindividual system.
Speaker 2 (42:21):
It directly aligns with trust, I think.
Speaker 3 (42:24):
Absolutely, absolutely.
But that doesn't mean that youknow of someone else, right?
We're so quick to tell otherpeople what they should and
shouldn't be doing.
We don't know what other peopleshould be doing, we only know
what we could or should be doingfor ourselves.
So with my children, i'm alwaystelling them check in with
yourself.
(42:44):
What do you think?
What do you think?
Well, what should I do?
I don't know.
What do you think?
And that is such a nice way ofgetting a child to begin to
trust themselves.
Speaker 1 (42:54):
Do you have any advice for corporate women who
are on their journey, maybeclimbing the corporate ladder,
having some challenges there?
But I'm just curious from thatlens for my own selfish reasons.
Speaker 3 (43:09):
Well, there's a lot of women that are really great
at what they do in their job,but as soon as they take that
hat off, they are lost Truly.
They hide behind that, that'strue.
They hide behind that, thatrole, that title, and that's
really hard.
I think that's really reallyhard because we are not what we
(43:33):
do.
I mean, that is living likehalf a life.
So you know, i don't know.
Everyone chooses that for adifferent reason.
90% of the reason is becausemost people don't want to figure
out who they are.
Speaker 1 (43:49):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (43:50):
Which is okay.
I mean, if you can justify yourexistence by being productive
and making money, okay, i don'thave a point of view about that,
but how do you feel?
Yeah, Yeah.
Get in touch with who you arewhen you're not that at work,
person, that role Or even whenyou are at that work person, you
(44:12):
know, yeah, i mean, it doesn'treally matter what we decide to
do.
It just matters that we aretuned in to ourselves, that we
know we have a choice And thedecision is, whatever it's going
to be, it'll probably be finebecause we're choosing it.
Yes, in the next minute wechoose something different, like
(44:37):
none of this is a big deal, butwe just get so in our head
about everything that literallylike we're not even waiting.
Speaker 2 (44:45):
Doesn't it feel big, you know, sometimes, and then
look back later and you're likeman, that really wasn't that big
, but in the moment, it's justokay.
Speaker 3 (44:53):
It's which feels better.
It always comes down to whichfeels better at any given moment
.
Period.
Does it feel better to thinkabout this or not?
Yeah, When you feel better tothink about it, don't think
about it And in 10 minutes askyourself the question again.
Only think about it when itfeels good to think about it.
That's it.
Speaker 2 (45:12):
That's beautiful.
It's so simple.
Speaker 3 (45:15):
It's almost too simple.
It's too simple, it's toosimple And that's why people
like they reject it.
It's like too simple.
Speaker 1 (45:23):
Is there anything else that you're hoping to share
with our audience before wewrap up?
I think I have a title for thisepisode.
It's going to definitely bepleasure junkie.
Speaker 2 (45:35):
So I love that, but what?
Speaker 1 (45:37):
anything else like final thoughts or messages for
our audience?
Speaker 3 (45:43):
Self-care is self-love and making you lunch
for yourself is self-care.
Simple little thing Make yourlunch for yourself before you
make your children's lunch.
Put a nice napkin there, nicefork there.
That is self-care andtranslates into self-love.
So little things.
Speaker 2 (46:02):
Beautiful.
Speaker 1 (46:03):
Yes, that's beautiful .
That's true.
I always do everyone else, andthen I'm like, well, i don't
have time to do me, so I got toeat a crappy lunch.
Speaker 3 (46:10):
But when you do yourself first it feels so good
And then you have like all ofthis energy to do everyone
else's because you've given toyourself first.
It's like putting your oxygenmask on first and then assisting
others.
And they say that on theairplane all the time And like I
don't even think people believethat.
Speaker 2 (46:26):
I mean, every time I hear it I always think I bet you
I'd put on my kids first.
Speaker 1 (46:32):
They say it and I still go like absolutely would,
she absolutely would.
Speaker 3 (46:36):
But if you think about it, how could you help
your kid if you can't breathe?
Speaker 2 (46:40):
I don't know, That's her life right now.
I don't know, But it's justthis instinct in my being that
says like I believe it would belike I'll just do yours first.
Speaker 3 (46:53):
You know, i think mother birds eat first And they
regurgitate and feed theirchildren.
That's primitive, but you know,it's a great example.
So, yes, choices, choices,choices, it's all choices.
No judgment, just wonderfulchoices, that's all.
Speaker 1 (47:12):
That's all of that.
Yeah, i'm really taken awayfrom this episode about just
asking yourself like how does itfeel?
Because yeah and it's and we'vetalked about it a little bit
over the seasons, but it justhit differently today Just
really getting into that energy,like do I want to do this?
How does it feel?
Like I think that's Yeah.
Speaker 3 (47:32):
But don't do.
How does it feel?
Do which feels better.
It feels better.
How does it feel to take youdown the rabbit hole?
You don't have time for that.
Okay, just which feels better,that's it.
Speaker 1 (47:42):
Which feels better and then do the thing that feels
better.
Speaker 3 (47:45):
For that moment And then ask yourself in a few
moments which feels better.
Speaker 1 (47:48):
It's great.
Oh, i love it.
Okay, i am doing that.
And then we also wanted to hikeyour book because we loved it.
So the essence of you And Ibought mine, i think, on Amazon
is where it was Yeah, That's theonly place to buy.
Speaker 3 (48:02):
It's old, It's like 11 years old, but it is like a
priceless, timeless gem.
I mean I go back and read itall the time just to see if
there's something in therethat's kind of dated.
And I think the only thingthat's dated is there's a
reference to the Blackberry.
Otherwise, everything's prettycurrent, relevant.
It's an easy book to read.
It's gentle, it's loving.
(48:22):
I mean it's yeah, it feels goodto read it.
Speaker 2 (48:27):
Where can our audience find you?
What's your website?
Are you on social media, likeall of those things?
Where can we all find It's joy?
Speaker 3 (48:36):
I'm.
It was a total failure onInstagram because I just could
not keep up.
I could not.
I am on Facebook and I try topost something inspirational
every day.
I have a website, it'swwwjmie-lernercom, and that is
it, and there's a millionpodcasts on there.
There's great information Andthe website itself feels really
(49:00):
good to just kind of go to andyou know, look around, so and
that's it.
Speaker 1 (49:07):
So we'll put the links to your website and the
book and everything and yourFacebook in the show notes so
everybody can find you And wethank you so much for the book.
Speaker 3 (49:16):
Thank you for inviting me We love it.
Speaker 2 (49:19):
I think I needed that too.
Speaker 1 (49:23):
Yes, i love it And I think, for our audience, we'll
do a check in in our next happyhour.
Oh yeah, how did it go?
So mine too, yeah, using thistheory, and we challenge
everybody to do the same.
Speaker 2 (49:35):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (49:36):
Which feels better in the moment, moment to moment,
And it's not about like thinkingfar out right You mentioned
it's like I don't think, i mean,all we really have is this
moment.
Speaker 3 (49:44):
If we think about it, yeah, we have nothing else but
this moment.
So if you can be in the moment,i think it really does feel
better than projecting to likenext and next and next and next.
And that was just this moment,the next moment, the next moment
.
Speaker 1 (49:58):
And it all kind of feels easy Yeah.
Yeah, beautiful.
Thank you so much.
Speaker 3 (50:03):
You are so welcome.
Thank you again for inviting me.
Speaker 2 (50:06):
So wonderful, so good .
Speaker 1 (50:08):
Thank you, appreciate you, thank, you Thank you,
thank you, thank you.
Welcome back to the show.
We have our first interview ofthe season, which we're super
excited to share with you.
Yes, and more to come.
If you want to be a part of theshow, be interviewed, be
featured on the show, we have alink in our website.
We'll put it in the show notesand you can click on it and
follow to our calendar And youwill get all the tools you need
(00:23):
to help you schedule with us.
Know about the interviewingprocess.
It's really exciting.
Yeah, we have several moreinterviews lined up for the rest
of the summer now.
Yes, so people are reaching out, they're finding us.
Yeah, i love it.
Speaker 2 (00:37):
Right, yep, and really an array too.
So there's a couple.
I'm obviously not going to sayright, this second, you know,
but a wide variety of likecareers and paths and life
changing.
You know stories, and so youknow, and if you have some of
that, hop on and let us know andlet's hook it up.
Speaker 1 (00:56):
Yeah, and our intentions, like we said, we
want to be intentional thisseason.
Yeah, so the intentions ofevery interview we do obviously
will be slightly different, butthe overall intention is to
share with you the wisdom fromother women who are on their
journey.
They've discovered something.
They have, you know, learnedsomething, manifested, they're
(01:16):
doing something great, leveledup in their life.
Yeah, they're sharing with you,they're sharing with us because
we want to learn too.
So, yeah, in the episode, youknow, we got to ask a lot of our
own personal questions Yeah.
Of Jamie, and we'll do that inevery episode just to try to,
you know, get a little littlefreebie Yeah.
Speaker 2 (01:32):
For ourselves.
Speaker 1 (01:34):
But we do love it.
So.
so, yeah, we're, and now we'regoing to tell you a little bit
about Jamie and her bio.
So set you up for the episode.
Yeah, Take it away.
Speaker 2 (01:43):
So yes, according to her bio, jamie Lerner is a
co-author of the book TheEverloving Essence of You, which
I loved.
She can put a fresh spin onjust about anything that anyone
throws her way.
Her unique and masterfulability to reframe even the most
difficult situations isastounding.
All of a sudden, your biggestnightmare becomes your greatest
(02:03):
pleasure, as she lovingly helpsyou sift through and the
contrast and find that smallopening of light that quickly
becomes your greatest jumpingoff point for clarity.
Loved, unassuming, reassuringand seemingly without any sense
of ego, jamie Lerner is able toput everyone and everything at
ease.
Speaker 1 (02:22):
So Jamie is an asset to any corporate setting.
She's easily available tountangle the issues at hand and
move right along into helpingfacilitate a solution-based
platform for creative,productive good feeling,
collaboration and change.
Jamie can most often be seenworking with adults, teens,
children and couples, as well aswith small groups.
She never positions herself asthe expert of anything and is
(02:45):
always reminding you that it isyou who knows best for yourself,
always, which I love, that Iknow It's the truth behind it
all, absolutely.
She mentioned in the episode.
she's just there, she's sort ofguiding and facilitating.
Yeah, but again, even we saythis.
We're not experts.
We're just here to share ourjourney.
And if you learn something fromit.
Speaker 2 (03:02):
it's great Well and she said during the interview
she was like I have such astrong sense of self.
I've always listened to my owninner voice and inner guidance
and it definitely seems likethat's her strategy, sort of is
to be like what is feeling goodfor you right now.
It's not what.
I think, you should do, orsomeone else, or whoever in your
life.
You're not relying on them tomake this choice.
It's all about your direction,your compass your personal sense
(03:27):
of self.
Yes, and she is aself-proclaimed pleasure junkie.
Yeah, so that's what we're goingto call this episode.
Speaker 1 (03:37):
And tune in to get some tips on how you can be a
pleasure junkie too.
Yes, please, all right.
Well, enjoy the interview Yeah,welcome, jamie Lerner, to the
Goddess Fives Studio and to theshow.
We're super excited to have youhere.
Thank you for inviting me.
First, just set the stage withour audience.
A little bit about who you are,a little bit about your
backstory and what you do.
Speaker 3 (03:59):
I was trained as a psychotherapist and realized
that that was not really servingmyself or others.
So after a long time being in aprivate practice, I gave it up
and traveled and I was like Igave it up and traveled and
studied and doing something verydifferent now, which is the
(04:19):
integrative approach towell-being, which is assisting
people in assisting themselvesfrom getting to where they are
to where they want to be, Andit's a very fun, humor-filled,
quick process.
Speaker 2 (04:33):
How did you jump from going?
this is no longer serving me to, it seems.
I guess from an outsider'sperspective, like seems like you
just did it, no problem.
How did you make thattransition?
Speaker 3 (04:46):
So I was born with a knowing.
I think we all are.
However, i only heard my ownvoice throughout my entire life,
which is really a big problemfor people in authority, because
I was impossible to influence.
I didn't listen to anybodyexcept my own voice And, yeah,
(05:07):
it created a lot of problems inmy younger years and even in my
older years.
So I studied psychology and Igot my MSW in social work and I
ended up having very quickly aprivate practice And it was
(05:30):
really interesting to me.
However, what I was doing and Ithink what psychotherapy does is
it keeps people where they are.
They're always looking back andthey're always blaming their
significant others or parents orand they really don't have any
(05:50):
way to be in the here and nowand move forward.
So after doing that for a while, intuitively I knew like this
is not working for me.
I don't think I'm assistingother people, i'm not
encouraging them to step in aplace of their own personal
power, and so but here I had areally thriving private practice
(06:10):
and I thought there's nevergoing to be a good time to do
this, and so I just said do it.
And I did it.
And as soon as I did it, it waslike such a big relief for me,
because it's hard when you knowyou're someplace that you don't
belong.
So, oh yeah, and I just neverlooked back.
Speaker 2 (06:31):
I feel like you seem to have a really strong sense of
self, and your book, of course,right on the front page, says
create a long-term,term-connected relationship with
yourself.
How do you inspire women to dothat?
Speaker 3 (06:48):
Well, first of all, i think that people don't even
know that that's an option whichis so wrong.
And it's kind of like what yougirls had said in your
introductory, where you saidwe're all doing great, but then
there's so much more.
And when you allow people toeven think about that as an
(07:08):
option, i think that's a goodstart.
But my issue was that I wasalways connected to myself, but
I did not have a connection tomy mother.
So it was really hard for me tofigure that out, and then I
realized that I didn't have aconnection to her because she
didn't have a connection withherself.
So it was kind of like thisexploratory journey for me to
(07:32):
sort all that out and then writea book based on oh, my goodness
, we really could create thismoment-to-moment, long-term
connection with ourself, andwhen we do that then we're able
to connect with everyone else ornot.
But it becomes like a reallynice option.
Speaker 1 (07:50):
I was reading your book and you spoke a little bit
about your childhood And itsounds like you had a very
interesting upbringing differentpeople coming into your life.
Can you tell us any more aboutthat?
Speaker 3 (08:04):
Well, my parents, they were amazing.
So our house was like arevolving door of Annie's and
international students and alldifferent kinds of people And my
parent.
Well, we grew up in the 70s.
It was a very different timeAnd my parents were like super
cool, so they didn't give memuch to push against.
(08:28):
There's five of us And theywere kind of busy doing their
own thing.
So in some ways that was reallywonderful for me personally
because it allowed me to reallyhear my voice, follow my voice,
know myself, and that was reallyhelpful for me particularly.
(08:50):
But then the piece of not beingconnected to my mom then I was
like, oh my god, if I could onlybe a better person or if I
could only be a better student.
I kept thinking, what can I doto have this connection with
this person that brought me intothe world?
So that has pretty much been mykind of issue.
But it was all resolved whenshe was intubated and
(09:15):
hospitalized And we sat togetherfor five days And really it
made so much sense that it wasall about her inability to
connect with herself.
Speaker 2 (09:23):
So the book is really a tribute to her and teaching
me to know myself and lovemyself And yeah, What is your
advice to women who feel likethey don't have that instinctual
connection or that immediateconnection with their mom or
maybe perhaps a sister in theirsituation or whoever is that
(09:44):
bond they have.
They don't quite feel thatconnection.
Do you have any advice to givethem to search for that?
Speaker 3 (09:52):
Yes, i think to start thinking in terms of being
compassionate towards thatperson, because the inability to
connect with someone else has alot to do with their inability
to be connected to themselves.
So, generally, don't take aperson If you're not connected
to yourself.
It's not like you're going tobe hand picking who to connect
(10:12):
to, you're just not connected.
Speaker 2 (10:14):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (10:15):
So, and then to use that person as your excuse to
look back at yourself and toexplore how to maintain or just
create and recreate theconnection with yourself.
And when do we do that?
It feels so good?
Speaker 2 (10:29):
Yeah, I mean just personally, I have a fractured
relationship with my own motherAnd it's difficult not to go if
she would just do this, or if Icould only do this, or if this
thing had happened differently.
So yeah, maybe connecting tomyself instead.
Speaker 3 (10:44):
And also forgiving her or whoever the person is,
because it's not like they won't, they can't, yeah, and when you
understand it that way, itfeels better.
It's not like they can, andthen they're just choosing to
diss you.
No, they're disconnected anddisconnected.
It's disconnected.
Speaker 2 (11:05):
Yes.
Speaker 3 (11:06):
So use that person as your excuse to just be so
connected to you.
Speaker 2 (11:12):
I love that.
That's beautiful, yeah, andthen you end up thanking that
person.
Speaker 3 (11:17):
I end up feeling so appreciative of my mom and my
relationship with her, becauseif it wasn't for her and that
relationship, I don't know if Iever would have figured this out
.
So Yeah.
Speaker 1 (11:30):
Do you have any specific practices?
I know there's some in the bookas well on tips on how to get
through that, but for ouraudience in this episode, is
there a practice they can do forthis type of forgiveness or
anything you could offer?
Speaker 3 (11:46):
It's really hard to forgive anyone until you forgive
yourself, and I think becausewe tend to blame ourselves and
feel like it's something thatwe're either doing or not doing.
So we have to forgive ourselvesfirst and allow ourselves to be
where we are and embraceourselves from where we are and
begin to love and appreciateourselves, like not what other
(12:08):
people are appreciating about us, but what are we appreciating
about ourselves?
Speaker 1 (12:13):
That's so different, Also changing your storyline.
That part spoke to us becausewe talk a lot about your life is
in this story, this book, andyou're creating the chapters And
we love that analogy.
So can you talk more about yourtheory on changing your
storyline and how?
Speaker 3 (12:34):
important.
That is, some people don't evenknow their mantra or what their
story is and what they'retelling other people, because
they've done it for so long andit's so practiced They don't
even know what they're saying.
But to begin to hear that storyand then understand, does that
story feel good when you'retelling it?
(12:55):
If it does, great, keep tellingit.
It probably doesn't, though.
So if it doesn't feel good, itprobably isn't good.
So how can you soften the toneof it?
How can you fact check it?
How can you edit it?
How can you make a betterconnection with yourself so that
you understand what you'resaying about yourself and how
(13:19):
you're feeling about?
that is in alignment.
And if it doesn't feel good, ok, so now what?
Yes, can you create a betterfeeling story just by changing a
few words or softening the tone.
Or sometimes it's a story thatsomeone told you.
You don't even know if it'strue, but you just kind of took
(13:41):
it on and ran with it And yougot so much attention, because
the more drama and trauma, themore attention we get.
So you know.
Speaker 2 (13:52):
That's so true.
Speaker 1 (13:55):
I was going to ask too.
I loved how you talked aboutcontrast and we've heard you
know the Abraham Hicks book.
She talks a lot about contrastbut it still is something that's
quite hard to you called itselective sifting.
Can you talk more aboutcontrast and how to see it and
utilize it and kind of changeyour perspective of when things,
(14:17):
when crappy things, happen inyour life that sort of vibe.
Speaker 3 (14:21):
Well, we don't even know what we want until
something happens that we don'twant.
So I always like embrace,contact, contrast, because I
think like, okay, great, this issomething like that I do not
want.
So as a result of this, thequestion becomes what do I want?
most people are not comfortableasking themselves what they
want.
They're always like pointing towhat they don't want, and the
(14:45):
more you point to what you don'twant, the more you have what
you don't want.
So it's just kind of that way.
So to begin to kind of tuneinto yourself and when you hear
yourself talk about all thethings you don't want, kind of
laugh about it, because here wego again from that.
Okay, what do you want you?
(15:06):
know, and and that question isreally scary for people, but it
doesn't have to box you and itchanges moment to moment what we
want, but it all comes fromwhat we don't want.
Speaker 2 (15:18):
What type of advice do you have for women who think
it's selfish to have what theywant, to have the life that they
want?
Speaker 3 (15:24):
I think that comes from a place of using everyone
in your life is an excuse not toexplore it, and we do that,
especially as women.
We use our children, ourhusbands, our boyfriends, our
girlfriends, our employees youknow everyone is a very
convenient excuse why we are notgoing to take the time for
ourselves and create a lovingrelationship.
(15:45):
So I think it's just bullshit.
But if you want to takeresponsibility for that and say
I'm using all these people as anexcuse, i applaud that, because
that is really stepping intoyour personal power, taking
personal responsibility and youare no longer a victim.
Speaker 1 (16:03):
That's brilliant but it's a choice.
Yeah, we just did an episode onbecoming her and stepping into
your main character and wetalked a lot about that victim
mentality and you know how tokind of get out of it.
But do you have any more tipsfor women who it's really
challenging or maybe they'resurrounded by people who are in
(16:23):
that vibe?
I think I see that a lot where,like, everyone around us is in
victim, so then you get suckedinto it.
Yeah, what's?
how can we deal?
I think we have to tune intohow it feels.
Speaker 3 (16:34):
How does it feel to be a victim?
Yeah, if that feels good to you, run with it.
Usually, people do not feelgood being a victim, so that's
really where it begins, is howdoes it feel?
I would say that when you havea better relationship with
yourself, you'll have much lessfriends, you'll have less
(16:56):
attention, you'll have a smalleraudience, but you will be a
better mother, wife, friend,sister, whatever because the
relationship with ourselves isthe basis for every other
relationship we go on to havewith another.
Speaker 2 (17:15):
It is really difficult.
We've been talking a lot abouthow June so far has been kind of
chaotic.
Oh my god, we're very busy,we're struggling, we have
families, we have jobs, we haveeverything kind of going on.
And I've noticed lately it'sreally difficult for me to just
feel what I'm feeling, to juststop and be like that's okay
(17:36):
that you're feeling this way andactually allow my body to feel
it.
I kind of want to kick it outand move on to the next thing
and stuff it in the closet.
Do you have any?
Speaker 3 (17:44):
tips on that As a gift to yourself.
Acknowledge that that's yourchoice.
Say, at this moment, i know Ineed to sit and feel all this,
but I'm not, and so I'm givingmyself permission to do that.
Yeah, okay, that will feel somuch better.
Mm-hmm, so it's somethingyou've chosen.
It's not happening to you.
You're consciously choosing,even if you don't think it's the
(18:07):
right decision.
Okay, you might make anotherdecision in 10 minutes but, you
know, heart yourself on the flat.
Give yourself some grace.
It's a moment, and then there'sthe next moment.
Speaker 2 (18:20):
I love the statement about in 10 minutes you might
make a different choice.
Speaker 3 (18:26):
Yes, it's a moment to moment.
That's what life is.
It's just one moment to thenext.
It's one moment and the nextmoment, and that goes for
everything.
If we make a decision, we mightmake a different decision in
five minutes, and that's okay.
I love that.
So we tend to box ourselves in,and it doesn't need to be that
(18:47):
way, mm-hmm.
Speaker 1 (18:50):
Yeah, it's giving me a lot of calming energy, right
now.
Yes, like.
Paul said I don't know ifyou're in a different, maybe,
state than us, because I mean Idon't know if you've been
feeling, i don't know if there'sastrological stuff going on,
but June has been nuts And so Imean I've been challenged,
(19:11):
trying to get centered, and it'sjust been so crazy.
Oh my God, are you feeling anyof that, or are you just like?
Speaker 3 (19:18):
I am so practiced, i am so sensitive to how I feel
that if I even get into that forone minute, i don't have much
tolerance for not feeling good.
I'm a pleasure junkie So I knowI have control every moment.
It's true, like what I chooseto think about and how I choose
to feel.
So I don't let anyone get to me, which is maddening.
(19:41):
I mean, i have children, i havegrandchildren and it's really
hard for them because they wantto get to me.
But I'm like no, i'm important.
I am more important in terms ofhow I feel than any of this
nonsense.
So I'm like not interested inbeing sucked in, which doesn't
mean that I tune them out.
It just means I allow myself tobe where I am.
(20:04):
I allow them to be where theyare and it has nothing to do
with me where they are.
So I mind my own business a lot.
Speaker 2 (20:12):
That's fantastic.
Speaker 3 (20:13):
Really nice.
It's really nice God that'sgood.
Speaker 1 (20:19):
I want to be a pleasure junkie.
Speaker 2 (20:20):
Me too.
Speaker 1 (20:21):
That's good, i see you too.
Speaker 2 (20:23):
Treasure junkie How?
Speaker 1 (20:24):
do you?
Okay, so all the womenlistening.
they want to be pleasurejunkies.
I mean, i know you said you'revery practiced and that's what
we're in season two.
We're in our own practice,we're growing.
Eventually we'll get there.
What's some tips or some stepsfirst, few steps to take to
become a pleasure junkie.
Speaker 3 (20:45):
Well, to take the first few minutes of your day,
whatever time that is.
For me it's very early I'm atfive every morning but I use
that first few minutes of theday to address me.
It's me first.
I think about what am Iappreciative about myself, for
myself, about myself, and thatis very nurturing and nourishing
(21:08):
for me.
I'll have coffee.
I'll just really get myselfcenter and I'll feel like I've
given to me first and now I'mready to do for everybody else,
and I think that sets the toneand gives you a message that
you're important.
Yeah, and then you're oftenrunning, but you're often
(21:30):
running not in a resentful waygiving and giving and giving to
people where you don't haveanything.
It's almost like you're justextending this lovely help, like
to make lunches or to drivechildren or whatever it is.
It doesn't feel like it'sanything you have to do, but you
(21:52):
want to do it and you'refeeling good doing it.
It feels good to the people onthe receiving end.
It's like a win-win foreverybody.
Speaker 2 (22:00):
Beautiful.
Speaker 3 (22:01):
It's easy and it doesn't cost anything.
It's available for everybody.
Speaker 2 (22:07):
Yes, how much time do you think you spend being
mindful?
first thing in the morning?
20 minutes tops.
Speaker 3 (22:14):
But that goes a long way because if you would ask
people how much time they arereally in their body feeling
good about themselves, beingsitting with themselves, i don't
think people do it for even 10minutes a day.
Speaker 2 (22:27):
Not five minutes a day, far not enough, for sure,
yes.
Speaker 3 (22:31):
Well, yes, but once again it really sends a
beautiful message to you thatyou're important, not that
someone else is going to put youfirst and make you important,
but it's coming from you to you.
I love that That goes so muchfurther than somebody else
putting you first.
Speaker 2 (22:51):
Oh, that's beautiful.
So I would like to talk aboutthe art of allowing, which you
discuss a lot.
I think it can be tricky, it'svery tricky.
Speaker 3 (23:04):
Yes, it's very tricky .
Okay, it is tricky because theonly way we can do it is to be
non-judgmental of ourselves andnon-judgmental of us.
Most of the time that we'relooking out there making
judgments about people we don'teven know what they're wearing,
what they're saying, how theylook, whatever.
(23:25):
That's a great indication thatwe are, in that moment, very
judgmental of ourselves.
That's classic projection.
Yeah, when we identify that, weshould really laugh and be like
okay, here we go again And askourselves a question What is it
in this moment that is keepingme disconnected from myself?
(23:49):
Like what am I thinking aboutmyself?
that I am judging about myselfVery.
It doesn't even matter if youknow.
But the question to turn itback on you is helpful, but to
do it gently, not to judgeyourself.
(24:10):
And oh my God, and what's wrongwith that?
It's almost in a lovinglycurious way.
Speaker 2 (24:17):
Yeah Well, and we've said lots of times, curiosity is
key.
Like get curious about why areyou feeling this way or why are
you expressing that judgment orjudging on yourself, or whatever
.
Speaker 3 (24:28):
Yeah, and the moment you do that, it's interesting
how your eyes softens toeverything else that you see.
And then, once that happens,you really are able to allow
yourselves to be where you areAnd you don't care where anyone
else is, it's none of yourbusiness.
Where they are is fine, and youextend that allowing to others,
(24:50):
and that's a really nice way tomove about the work.
Speaker 2 (24:53):
Like I feel like in my chain of events of my life I
rely on other people a lot forthings to go smoothly.
If they're in a different placethan I am, it's difficult for
me to go.
You know what.
You're, where you are and I'mwhere I am.
I feel like I start carryingmore of the load and then I
become resentful.
Absolutely, can you give?
Speaker 3 (25:12):
a concrete example.
Speaker 2 (25:18):
Well, i guess for a very relevant example, we're
throwing my son's graduationparty tomorrow.
He's just graduated high school.
We're all very proud of him,but I feel like, thank you, i
feel like the boatload ofresponsibility has fallen on me
and my spouse has you know.
I feel like I'm picking up theslack and I'm becoming more
(25:39):
resentful of him and not justsaying like I realize that you
know, you feel like you haveless time than I do, or whatever
.
You know the case is.
I start to bottle thatresentment up instead of
allowing, using the art ofallowing, and just saying like,
okay, this is, it's all going toget done, because I doubt it.
I start to feel very stressed.
Speaker 3 (26:00):
So it comes back to the question which feels better?
Does it feel better to delegateto him or does it feel better
to do it yourself?
That's good.
If it feels better to do ityourself, then do it in a way
that's very loving.
Because you're choosing Yeah,if it feels better to delegate
(26:23):
to him, then in a very nice way,just make it clear to him by
handing him a list of like okay,these are the things you're in
charge of in a very nice way Andthat's it.
But we like get in our head inthese conversations back and
forth, and back and forth, backand forth, why he can't do this,
why you need to do it, and itjust becomes like this mind fuck
of unnecessary anything.
(26:46):
No, yeah, which feels better,it feels better to delegate,
delegate.
If it feels better to do ityourself, do it yourself
no-transcript.
Speaker 1 (26:55):
And then is the key when you're delegating it, then
you need to surrender control ofhow it's done.
Speaker 3 (27:03):
Well, if you yes, because if you like, you know
your husband.
So if you were to give him alist, a specific list, to go to
the grocery store like, could hefollow the specific list?
Speaker 2 (27:16):
I want to say yes, he may call me three or four times
, but he's not going to getthrough it.
Speaker 3 (27:22):
Okay, so would he appreciate the list, though the
specific list?
Yes, he would appreciate that,right?
Yes, and especially if it wouldlike meant a lot to you and you
empowered him and you said,like you know you're really good
at this.
Yes, So like, thank you so much, i so appreciate that you're
going to like take charge ofthis and do a great job.
Yeah, it's the same thing withdelegating for the graduation,
(27:43):
and I think we don't do enoughempowering of ourselves because
we believe that they can't do it, because we are not going to
delegate, because we need to getit done a certain way.
Speaker 2 (27:56):
Right.
Speaker 3 (27:57):
Control, okay, yeah, which is which is okay, but you
just have to be aware, and so,once again, if it feels better
to do it yourself, then just doyourself and feel good about it,
or give him a chance, you know,and a little encouragement, and
don't know, maybe he wouldsurprise you.
He'd probably feel really proudof himself And he'd probably
(28:17):
feel like, wow, like I couldactually be part of this
graduation party.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (28:23):
I love that This also may have turned into a personal
therapy session for me.
Speaker 3 (28:28):
No, But these things are so common.
Yeah, they really are, they'rereally common.
Speaker 2 (28:35):
You have to imagine our audience is going to be like
, yep, how do?
Speaker 3 (28:38):
I do that.
Speaker 2 (28:39):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (28:41):
Mine will fall from the grocery store.
He'll FaceTime me and be likeis it this one or this one?
Speaker 3 (28:47):
And from that we have to be so appreciative that
they're taking that step.
I mean because certainly forthem to choose it themselves it
would be wrong, you know, wejust it would be wrong.
Speaker 2 (28:55):
Yeah, and I feel like I'm right in this moment, kind
of realizing the importance ofthem wanting to do it right,
wanting to get the one that wewould prefer, rather than just
being like who cares, like theycare what we think, they care
what we want, and that's whythey're asking this one of that
one.
Yeah, they're not so bad.
Speaker 3 (29:15):
No, they're really not, and I think the idea of
being more appreciative of thepeople in our life goes a long
way.
It feels good to appreciateothers, it feels good to
appreciate our songs, and alittle appreciation goes a
really long way with people.
Speaker 1 (29:35):
I love that.
I have a selfish one for me butalso for our audience.
No, it's good.
We're never going to stopSeason one.
we get some episodes and it wasin our top five on self-love
and my virtue for this year.
My seed of intention for thisyear for me is to really live in
that loving energy for myselfand loving to others, and it's
(29:57):
getting out of judgment ofmyself and others and all that
stuff.
But I think a lot of womenstruggle to love themselves and,
like you know, when you'relooking in the mirror and you're
, like you know, pinching thebody parts and struggling a lot
with that lately, about just notfeeling happy with body and
image, do you have any words ofwisdom?
(30:18):
How do you appreciate it?
Yeah, it's hard, it's reallyhard.
Speaker 3 (30:23):
I think we don't know if we appreciate ourselves.
I think that we are so tunedout of how we feel in our body
because we are so out ofdirecting you know the social
media and just everything.
So I think it's really good tolike get in your mind, like when
(30:46):
you're looking at your body,and ask yourself, like how do
you really feel about your body?
and find something toappreciate, because you know,
you see these interviews withthese gorgeous model, you know,
and these people don't liketheir bodies either.
Yeah, and you're like of courseyou don't.
I mean, this has nothing to dowith your size, it has nothing
(31:09):
to do with it.
It has nothing to do with anyof that.
We live in a world where I meanI think it's gotten better,
body acceptance has gottenbetter, but the underlying tone
is you could do more, yes, andthat's just bullshit, like you,
but you have to do it from theinside out.
It has to be like what do youappreciate about your body?
Speaker 2 (31:32):
Yeah, it's like looking back at old photos and
being like man.
I was so cute, like I was hotAnd at that time I was like your
hips are so big, whatever.
Speaker 1 (31:48):
But, now.
Speaker 3 (31:49):
I look at it and I'm like you dumb, dumb, you were
super hot.
Speaker 2 (31:51):
What were you thinking?
Now I'm like well, that's gone.
I'm like what?
I'm going like okay.
Speaker 3 (31:59):
Okay, but this is the thing If your husbands or
boyfriends or friends orwhatever thought that you looked
so good and you didn't feellike you look so good, you
wouldn't even hear that, youwouldn't even entertain that.
That's why it's so importantfor you to formulate an opinion
about yourself, for yourself,that nobody can rock.
(32:20):
Who cares what people thinkabout how you look?
How do you feel about how youlook?
Yeah, and it's such animportant thing to work on with
our children.
Speaker 1 (32:32):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (32:33):
You know this idea of , like, just individual self
expression having nothing to dowith what others think.
Speaker 1 (32:40):
Yes, But can we peel it apart just a little, like,
okay, when you're like how doyou feel about you, know how you
look and like what?
if the answer is I hate it,like what do you hate?
Speaker 3 (32:53):
Like that's too big.
You hate what?
Like what?
What do you hate?
Speaker 1 (32:57):
My belly my pooch, my little.
Speaker 3 (33:01):
Do you have children?
Yeah, where do you think?
where do those children comefrom?
My belly?
I'm serious, like that is likea part of your body, that's like
, oh my God, yeah.
You know without that, likeyou're child, wouldn't even be
there.
Yeah, certainly it couldn't bedepending on your partner for
that.
No, you know you have to makepeace with, find some
(33:26):
appreciation for that, and Iwould bet that, whoever your
partners are, they don't see youthe way you do.
They're not picking you apartthe way you're picking yourself
apart.
Yeah, there's just, first ofall, men.
See women in squares.
Men can't even see like a wholebody part.
It's true, like we think thatall these things we see about
(33:50):
ourselves, that our boyfriendsor husbands or girlfriends, they
don't.
Yeah, you just don't.
And you see these uberconfident women that are like
bigger and beautiful And it'slike they command the room when
they walk in because they justfeel so good about themselves.
Speaker 1 (34:09):
Yeah, Okay, I want that.
Speaker 2 (34:12):
Yeah, I feel like this is tying kind of neatly And
we have already talked aboutright like, change your
storyline.
But when it feels difficult,where do you start?
Just start with theappreciation and then move your
way into story.
Speaker 3 (34:29):
I mean, i think first you have to fact check.
Is this shit even true?
Yeah, This story like is eventrue in this moment.
Is this your life right now, orwas this your life like 20
years ago?
Like that's ridiculous.
Why are you telling this 20year old story?
You know, edit it, update it,soften the tone of it.
(34:50):
You know, use whatever happenedthen as a wonderful excuse for
where you are right now.
You have to find some goodfeeling about the moment.
Yeah, if it doesn't likecoincide with your story, give
up this fucking story.
Speaker 1 (35:11):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (35:13):
And start over.
Speaker 1 (35:15):
Love that.
I'm really gonna embody thatthis next week, this season,
Like let's do it For sure.
So can I ask how women so you,you're helping women are?
are they signing up to getcoached by you?
Like what's, how do theyconnect with you, How do they
find you?
And like what's your process?
Speaker 3 (35:34):
So I work with people who want to take personal
responsibility, because the onlyway to work with me is to go to
my website and to free it allthat.
I do not talk to anyone aboutmoney Everything's on there.
I don't talk to anyone aboutsessions Everything's on there.
They contact me and they tellme what they need in terms of
(35:55):
time.
And then I set up a session withthem And then, because I don't
know what you want, you knowwhat you want.
I don't know what you need.
You know what you need And mostpeople are not used to hearing
it.
Yeah, most people are used tobeing told what they need and
what they want, so it's veryit's a very different approach.
It's very empowering for theperson that wants to work with
(36:17):
me, because they're in controlAnd I also have a great service
called the quickie, which is alovely texting option which I
just love, and it's the samewith them.
So people just choose them on atime they prepaid, i set up a
session with them And that'swhat it is.
Speaker 2 (36:38):
How do you help them find their way?
if they say I really don't knowwhat I want.
I really don't know who I am, Idon't know what I want.
I feel like I'm totally in thedark, Like what's your
flashlight that you give them tohelp them find their way to
that?
Speaker 3 (36:52):
The question is do you want to?
Oh yeah, do you want to?
Do you want to know yourself?
Do you want to love yourself?
It's a question And some peopleare like, no, and I'm like I
get it, it's okay, you'llprobably find anyone.
But a lot of people are like,yeah, i do, because you got to
(37:13):
want it for yourself, we can'twant it for others.
It's hard because when we haveit, we want everybody to have it
.
Most people don't want it, tobe honest.
Most people are not interested.
It's just not.
It's okay.
Misery loves company.
Most people are not interestedin improving their lives.
They're interested incomplaining about their lives.
(37:34):
They're interested in being thevictim of their lives.
They're interested in beingstuck.
It's okay, i respect all ofthat, but take responsibility
for it.
You're choosing it.
You're choosing it.
Okay, it wouldn't be my choice.
Speaker 2 (37:49):
But okay, man.
Oh my God, it's hard topersonally, it's hard to have
compassion, sometimes, forsomeone who's like.
I am choosing the victim.
clearly, i am choosing that.
this is what I want my life tobe and I want you to co-sign on
that.
Speaker 3 (38:06):
Well.
So you can be compassionatebecause you can allow them to be
that way, but you don't have toco-sign, you don't have to be
part of it, you don't have toenable it.
You can just honor it, be likeokay, you know, if that's what
you want, i totally understand.
That doesn't mean that you'reparticipating in it.
Speaker 2 (38:25):
Right, yeah, you talking your book about not
asking the people around you tochange in order to love yourself
.
Speaker 3 (38:34):
Never, Never And it really is pisses my kids off.
They're like, mom, you liteveryone off the hook And I'm
like, I know, isn't this amazing?
They're like, no, something'swrong with you.
I'm like, no, it feels so muchbetter, Like I am in 100%
control of how I'm going to feeland what I'm going to think
about.
And no, I don't, I'm notdepending on anybody for how I
(38:57):
feel about myself.
No way.
Why would I do that?
Why would I give up all thatpower to other people?
How that's beautiful, I mean it.
just it doesn't even make sense.
But you know, most people thinklike how did you get there?
And I really think that I was sotuned in to me because I knew I
(39:20):
didn't have the connection withmy mom.
It had to be me.
Yeah, if you look at like smallchildren and babies and their
mother, they're so dependent.
But when that's not there, likewhat do you have?
You have to go back to yourself.
So that's why, in the end, iwas so appreciative of her, like
in many ways, like that was mylife one.
Yeah, so it's.
(39:43):
I think that we all can get backto ourselves And I think we all
know for ourselves And I think,intuitively, we all love
ourselves And it feels likecoming home when we do it And
then we're so much better forother people.
So if you're not going to do itfor yourself, do it for other
people.
Oh my God, you know it is awin-win.
(40:05):
But the thing too is like itdoesn't matter how or why.
You know for yourself.
When you know for yourself, youknow for yourself Intuitively,
you just know.
Now you can hear yourself andmake the choice.
Like I know for myself, ishould do this, i'm choosing not
to, okay, or I know for myselfand I'm choosing to.
(40:28):
That is very important toremember all the times you knew
for yourself.
It doesn't matter what youchose to do about it, but it
reinforces that you always knowfor yourself.
Speaker 2 (40:39):
Always.
I can talk a little bit aboutprocrastination also.
Speaker 3 (40:44):
And I love procrastination.
Speaker 2 (40:46):
You turn it on its head because I'm like don't you
put it off, we have to do itright now and very structured
and very organized.
Speaker 3 (40:53):
And so reading that bit, i was like come on, you do
this for yourself or you'retelling others.
Speaker 2 (40:59):
I mean now.
I'm confused about it.
Speaker 1 (41:04):
Now I'm like I don't know.
Speaker 2 (41:05):
I don't know if I'm doing it because I think it's
going to make me feel better, orbecause I think it will make
the environment better, or if Ithink I just check things off my
list and I can finally be done.
Speaker 3 (41:14):
The thing about procrastination is, when you
have to do something and youreally don't want to do it,
don't do it.
The outcome is never successful, it just isn't So.
Procrastination is a reminderthat you need to pause and get
in alignment with the task ofhim.
That's it.
So you say I'm supposed to dothis right now.
(41:36):
I feel like it, okay.
Then you come back to it alittle bit later.
I'm supposed to do this, i'mfeeling it Okay.
Eventually you'll feel betterabout it and do it.
You got to trust yourself, yeah.
And then when you do do it, itfeels so much better.
You're doing it now because youwant to, not because you have
(41:57):
to.
So it really speaks to trustingyourself and knowing yourself,
loving yourself.
Have you ever missed a deadline?
No, does everyone have theirown system?
A lot of people wait to thelast minute.
That's okay.
You know yourself so well.
You'll wait to the last minuteand you'll pull it off.
Okay, that's not a problem.
It's a system, yeah, anindividual system.
Speaker 2 (42:21):
It directly aligns with trust, I think.
Speaker 3 (42:24):
Absolutely, absolutely.
But that doesn't mean that youknow of someone else, right?
We're so quick to tell otherpeople what they should and
shouldn't be doing.
We don't know what other peopleshould be doing, we only know
what we could or should be doingfor ourselves.
So with my children, i'm alwaystelling them check in with
yourself.
(42:44):
What do you think?
What do you think?
Well, what should I do?
I don't know.
What do you think?
And that is such a nice way ofgetting a child to begin to
trust themselves.
Speaker 1 (42:54):
Do you have any advice for corporate women who
are on their journey, maybeclimbing the corporate ladder,
having some challenges there?
But I'm just curious from thatlens for my own selfish reasons.
Speaker 3 (43:09):
Well, there's a lot of women that are really great
at what they do in their job,but as soon as they take that
hat off, they are lost Truly.
They hide behind that, that'strue.
They hide behind that, thatrole, that title, and that's
really hard.
I think that's really reallyhard because we are not what we
(43:33):
do.
I mean, that is living likehalf a life.
So you know, i don't know.
Everyone chooses that for adifferent reason.
90% of the reason is becausemost people don't want to figure
out who they are.
Speaker 1 (43:49):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (43:50):
Which is okay.
I mean, if you can justify yourexistence by being productive
and making money, okay, i don'thave a point of view about that,
but how do you feel?
Yeah, Yeah.
Get in touch with who you arewhen you're not that at work,
person, that role Or even whenyou are at that work person, you
(44:12):
know, yeah, i mean, it doesn'treally matter what we decide to
do.
It just matters that we aretuned in to ourselves, that we
know we have a choice And thedecision is, whatever it's going
to be, it'll probably be finebecause we're choosing it.
Yes, in the next minute wechoose something different, like
(44:37):
none of this is a big deal, butwe just get so in our head
about everything that literallylike we're not even waiting.
Speaker 2 (44:45):
Doesn't it feel big, you know, sometimes, and then
look back later and you're likeman, that really wasn't that big
, but in the moment, it's justokay.
Speaker 3 (44:53):
It's which feels better.
It always comes down to whichfeels better at any given moment
.
Period.
Does it feel better to thinkabout this or not?
Yeah, When you feel better tothink about it, don't think
about it And in 10 minutes askyourself the question again.
Only think about it when itfeels good to think about it.
That's it.
Speaker 2 (45:12):
That's beautiful.
It's so simple.
Speaker 3 (45:15):
It's almost too simple.
It's too simple, it's toosimple And that's why people
like they reject it.
It's like too simple.
Speaker 1 (45:23):
Is there anything else that you're hoping to share
with our audience before wewrap up?
I think I have a title for thisepisode.
It's going to definitely bepleasure junkie.
Speaker 2 (45:35):
So I love that, but what?
Speaker 1 (45:37):
anything else like final thoughts or messages for
our audience?
Speaker 3 (45:43):
Self-care is self-love and making you lunch
for yourself is self-care.
Simple little thing Make yourlunch for yourself before you
make your children's lunch.
Put a nice napkin there, nicefork there.
That is self-care andtranslates into self-love.
So little things.
Speaker 2 (46:02):
Beautiful.
Speaker 1 (46:03):
Yes, that's beautiful .
That's true.
I always do everyone else, andthen I'm like, well, i don't
have time to do me, so I got toeat a crappy lunch.
Speaker 3 (46:10):
But when you do yourself first it feels so good
And then you have like all ofthis energy to do everyone
else's because you've given toyourself first.
It's like putting your oxygenmask on first and then assisting
others.
And they say that on theairplane all the time And like I
don't even think people believethat.
Speaker 2 (46:26):
I mean, every time I hear it I always think I bet you
I'd put on my kids first.
Speaker 1 (46:32):
They say it and I still go like absolutely would,
she absolutely would.
Speaker 3 (46:36):
But if you think about it, how could you help
your kid if you can't breathe?
Speaker 2 (46:40):
I don't know, That's her life right now.
I don't know, But it's justthis instinct in my being that
says like I believe it would belike I'll just do yours first.
Speaker 3 (46:53):
You know, i think mother birds eat first And they
regurgitate and feed theirchildren.
That's primitive, but you know,it's a great example.
So, yes, choices, choices,choices, it's all choices.
No judgment, just wonderfulchoices, that's all.
Speaker 1 (47:12):
That's all of that.
Yeah, i'm really taken awayfrom this episode about just
asking yourself like how does itfeel?
Because yeah and it's and we'vetalked about it a little bit
over the seasons, but it justhit differently today Just
really getting into that energy,like do I want to do this?
How does it feel?
Like I think that's Yeah.
Speaker 3 (47:32):
But don't do.
How does it feel?
Do which feels better.
It feels better.
How does it feel to take youdown the rabbit hole?
You don't have time for that.
Okay, just which feels better,that's it.
Speaker 1 (47:42):
Which feels better and then do the thing that feels
better.
Speaker 3 (47:45):
For that moment And then ask yourself in a few
moments which feels better.
Speaker 1 (47:48):
It's great.
Oh, i love it.
Okay, i am doing that.
And then we also wanted to hikeyour book because we loved it.
So the essence of you And Ibought mine, i think, on Amazon
is where it was Yeah, That's theonly place to buy.
Speaker 3 (48:02):
It's old, It's like 11 years old, but it is like a
priceless, timeless gem.
I mean I go back and read itall the time just to see if
there's something in therethat's kind of dated.
And I think the only thingthat's dated is there's a
reference to the Blackberry.
Otherwise, everything's prettycurrent, relevant.
It's an easy book to read.
It's gentle, it's loving.
(48:22):
I mean it's yeah, it feels goodto read it.
Speaker 2 (48:27):
Where can our audience find you?
What's your website?
Are you on social media, likeall of those things?
Where can we all find It's joy?
Speaker 3 (48:36):
I'm.
It was a total failure onInstagram because I just could
not keep up.
I could not.
I am on Facebook and I try topost something inspirational
every day.
I have a website, it'swwwjmie-lernercom, and that is
it, and there's a millionpodcasts on there.
There's great information Andthe website itself feels really
(49:00):
good to just kind of go to andyou know, look around, so and
that's it.
Speaker 1 (49:07):
So we'll put the links to your website and the
book and everything and yourFacebook in the show notes so
everybody can find you And wethank you so much for the book.
Speaker 3 (49:16):
Thank you for inviting me We love it.
Speaker 2 (49:19):
I think I needed that too.
Speaker 1 (49:23):
Yes, i love it And I think, for our audience, we'll
do a check in in our next happyhour.
Oh yeah, how did it go?
So mine too, yeah, using thistheory, and we challenge
everybody to do the same.
Speaker 2 (49:35):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (49:36):
Which feels better in the moment, moment to moment,
And it's not about like thinkingfar out right You mentioned
it's like I don't think, i mean,all we really have is this
moment.
Speaker 3 (49:44):
If we think about it, yeah, we have nothing else but
this moment.
So if you can be in the moment,i think it really does feel
better than projecting to likenext and next and next and next.
And that was just this moment,the next moment, the next moment
.
Speaker 1 (49:58):
And it all kind of feels easy Yeah.
Yeah, beautiful.
Thank you so much.
Speaker 3 (50:03):
You are so welcome.
Thank you again for inviting me.
Speaker 2 (50:06):
So wonderful, so good .
Speaker 1 (50:08):
Thank you, appreciate you, thank, you Thank you,
thank you, thank you.
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