.in Part 2 we walk you through a nine-step framework to help you navigate learning the lessons from your patterns. It’s a powerful process that will guide you to understand your patterns and the role the play in your journey.
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Nicole & Sophia
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to part two of the world is your reflection.
This is the part where we'regoing to get into the helping
you really clean that mirror,identify the patterns fully and
work through the lesson.
Yeah, this is the part thatgets me.
Every time I could see thepattern, the lesson is really
hard.
Speaker 2 (00:16):
This is where the work is, and how do you learn it
?
How do you learn it?
Speaker 1 (00:18):
Yeah, so put together something that I think will be
helpful.
There's probably lots of toolsout there and, again, we are not
psychologists and therapistsand all that shit, so seek help
where you will.
Speaker 2 (00:32):
Or if you have a really great tool for this, tell
us, totally, tell us.
I would love to share it, I'dlove to know it.
Yes, I would love to repost you, exactly Just tell me.
Speaker 1 (00:43):
So in the last episode you learned you gathered
your.
I always list, I always do this, I always do that.
You found your patterns.
You may have grouped them.
You may find that you have alot of relationship patterns in
your life.
You have a lot of this and that, and there are so many.
We could do a whole podcastabout this.
There could be differentbranches of how to work through
this.
So this one is really helpingyou dissect those specific ones,
(01:07):
maybe the common themes youhave, and so I'm going to work
you through, like what's thesteps?
And then I did some exampleones, one from my life.
I did one that I think is areally common one for women that
I'd love to work through andjust show you how to apply it,
because I think that's theimportant part.
When you get these sort ofthings, you're like okay, but
how?
Like what's an example?
I need examples.
(01:28):
I don't know if you do, but Ido, it's easier, it's easier.
So here we go.
You ready, I'm ready, there'snine steps.
Okay, nine steps.
The first is you're gonna sofirst get your journal out, baby
.
And number one is start bydescribing the pattern.
You have to give a fulldescription.
(01:48):
So in the I always, you mayhave said and let's use the
example that I use I always, Ialways manifest people who are
taking advantage of me.
This is not mine, this is apattern I see in somebody that I
love dearly and I wanted towork through this in their lens.
I always manifest somebody.
You know people in my life whoare like parasites.
They, they take advantage of mykindness and I.
(02:11):
You know all of that stuffright, yes, yes, vampires, yeah
yeah.
So that's the I always.
Now you need to write adetailed description of the
pattern, Be specific situations,behaviors.
It's a little bit of youwriting the story like talk
about it, and this is where freeform journaling, you know, flow
of consciousness works.
It's don't try to think about ittoo much, just write about it.
(02:34):
You know, write about thispattern.
Yeah, get it out.
Yep, be very descriptive, stepone you got to fully understand
it, yeah, and again, I'll giveyou an example after we go
through this, or should I do atthe same time?
Yeah, I think so.
Okay, so then I'll give you theexample, kind of a one in one.
Yeah, I'll give you the example.
So in in the example that youare, you know, attracting people
(02:54):
who take advantage of you.
So so you're saying, Iconsistently find myself
attracting people who takeadvantage of my kindness and
generosity in variousrelationships and friendships, I
end up in situations where I'mgiving more than I receive and
it leaves me feeling drained andunappreciated.
I often struggle to set clearboundaries and have difficulty
saying no, which perpetuatesthis pattern.
(03:16):
That's a simple example.
Obviously, you could do a fivepage journal on that.
Yes, but for this specificperson I'm thinking of, people
are always taking advantage oftheir kindness and generosity.
Yeah, so that's describing it.
Step two explore your emotionswith it.
Oof, yeah, that's big.
We said emotions are yourcompass.
Right, they are tied to everyaction?
Speaker 2 (03:36):
Yeah, they are, they are tied to everything.
Speaker 1 (03:39):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (03:40):
Understand what emotion it is and why are you
feeling that way?
Speaker 1 (03:42):
Yes, use the emotional scale, abraham Hicks,
we talked about it all the time,but reflect on where you're at
on that scale.
So reflect on the emotions thatarise when the pattern repeats.
Allow yourself to fully expressand explore the emotions.
So an example for the one we'reusing is when this pattern
repeats, I feel a mix offrustration, resentment and
(04:03):
sadness.
I am frustrated with myself fornot asserting my needs,
resentful of others for takingadvantage of my kindness, and
sad that my efforts to be caringand giving are not reciprocated
.
Yes, so that's an example,maybe different for you, but
really, being honest withyourself, how do you feel about
it?
Speaker 2 (04:22):
What emotions are you experiencing?
Speaker 1 (04:23):
Yeah, and I wish I could work through this with
this specific person, because Iwant them to work through this
Two of those things where I wantto shake somebody.
Yes, so that's exploring youremotions.
I also wanted to say we willhave journal prompts separately
available for a download because, again, there's so many ways
you can use this tool, so Idon't want to do that in this
(04:44):
episode, but we'll give you someof those journal prompts for
each of these.
Number three is examine thebeliefs and thoughts.
So this is dive deeper into theunderlying belief and thoughts
that drive the pattern.
So, like we said in the lastepisode, your thoughts and
beliefs create your realityright, yes.
They are the reflection, so youreally need to examine them.
What am I thinking, what am Ibelieving about this scenario?
(05:06):
Yeah, what am I creating?
Yeah, what am I creating?
So, in this example, I believethat being kind and selfless is
the right way to be, and I fearthat asserting myself will lead
to conflict or rejection.
Yeah, I often think that if Ikeep giving, eventually people
will appreciate and reciprocatemy efforts, but it rarely
happens.
Speaker 2 (05:26):
Yes, I believe putting myself in second place
is where I belong.
Speaker 1 (05:29):
Yes, and I chose this one specifically because I
think a lot of women live inthis energy.
They have a lot of people whotake advantage of them for their
nurturing energy, for theirloving energy, their caring
energy.
I think, women, there's a lotof people who vampire on our
energy.
Speaker 2 (05:45):
So I think it's a good one to do Well, and then
we're surprised when it happens.
I know it's like we keep doingit over and over again and then
going like what the fuck Exactly?
Speaker 1 (05:51):
Why do?
Speaker 2 (05:51):
people keep taking advantage of me when I just give
them all of me with noexpectation of like.
Speaker 1 (05:56):
Exactly.
Yeah, it's a very powerful one,ladies.
Yeah, I know some people areconnecting with it Well move
past the shame of do I do this?
Speaker 2 (06:04):
Yes, oh my god, I do do this.
Don't be shamed about it and belike fuck, I don't even want to
talk about it or touch it.
Yeah, just dive in.
Yeah, just dive in.
Dismantle it, pull the pin onthe grenade, blow that shit up
and start fresh.
Yeah, do it.
Speaker 1 (06:18):
Number four is reflect on past experiences.
So this is powerful in youcould create a map of your life.
When you do your, I always yeah.
So like my big, one of my bigpatterns is, like I said, when I
decide I'm just going to move,and it comes from a pattern.
In my childhood we moved a lot.
We were always moving.
I went to like seven differentschools as a kid, versus like
(06:39):
the normal kid goes to three.
Speaker 2 (06:41):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (06:41):
Elementary, middle, yeah, maybe whatever preschool,
Just seven.
We moved a lot, States to state, all of that stuff and so I
developed this thought andbelief that moving was exciting
and we got to start fresh and itwas also scary because nobody
liked me and my sister so we gottreated like shit.
But seeing that pattern over mylife is now makes me understand
(07:01):
why I choose to do that now.
Because I didn't have a choice.
Before I was a kid, we weremoving, yes.
So now I'm like, well, justgoing to move on, yeah, just
going to move and leaveUrg-guards K, you know, yeah,
that's my pattern.
Speaker 2 (07:12):
It's hard, I'll leave it behind One of my patterns.
I have many.
Speaker 1 (07:16):
So so, reflecting on your past experiences, consider
whether there are any pastexperiences that might have
contributed to the informationof this pattern.
Reflect on how thoseexperiences have influenced your
belief, choices and behaviors,kind of like I just said.
Yeah, so in the example we'reworking through, reflecting on
my past, I see that my patternof being taken advantage of goes
(07:37):
back to my childhood.
I learned that being agreeableand putting others' needs first
was how I was gained approvaland love.
As a result, I developed abelief that my worth is tied to
how much I do for others.
Yeah, yeah.
How many women feel that way?
Too many, too many.
Speaker 2 (07:53):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:53):
Too many?
Yeah, and so the one that tiesto it is number five is seek
patterns in other areas of yourlife.
So, while you've identifiedthis one, you're like, okay, I
for me, I move a lot, and allthis, where else is this sort of
showing up?
Yeah, so expand yourperspective by examining if this
pattern appears in other areasof your life.
(08:13):
So this is why the groupingthem so mine is about, you know,
maybe the general challenges ofmoving, but then maybe it also
shows up in relationships for me, right.
Or maybe it also shows up incareer.
So are there other areas whereyou're seeing this happen?
Right, look for commonalitiesand connections between
different situations orrelationships where the pattern
(08:33):
manifests.
Right.
Very deep thinking here, yeah,so an example of this for ours
is this pattern of feeling takenadvantage of also manifests in
my work environment, where Ioften feel, where I often take
on more tasks than I can handleto avoid disappointing others or
being seen as unhelpful.
Speaker 2 (08:52):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (08:52):
So it's so funny because I literally this is the
example person and I see that intheir work like they're just
burned out and exhausted, takingon everything.
Speaker 2 (09:04):
Yes, because God forbid someone see them as not
doing the most to be helpful.
Yes, oh yeah.
Speaker 1 (09:11):
Such a gosh, yeah, so many women I guess it's a hard
one.
Yeah.
Number six is to connect withyour values.
So values are so importantwe're going to talk about a
little bit in the purposeepisode as well but values
reflecting on your core values.
Consider how this patternaligns or conflicts with them.
So we all have values and ifyou haven't done a value
exercise I can't remember whichepisode we did it on, but you
(09:31):
can Google search, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, there's plenty of ways.
Brené Brown has a really goodone.
You can search her valueexercise and you can narrow down
to your top values in your lifeand really understand.
Like, what do I stand for?
Your values are how you stay inalignment with your purpose.
It's the ways you're showing up, right, right.
So explore whether the patternis hindering your ability to
(09:53):
live in alignment with thevalues and what it means for
your personal growth.
Yeah, an example of this comingto life is.
This pattern conflicts with mycore value of self-respect,
fairness and balance inrelationships.
It prevents me from living inalignment with these values and
erodes my self-esteem.
Yeah, so once you figure outyour values, compare it with
(10:13):
this pattern.
Yeah, like, you'll see theconflict.
Well, it's like, are you?
Speaker 2 (10:16):
valuing your time.
Speaker 1 (10:18):
Yeah, you know, are you valuing your?
Speaker 2 (10:20):
own like self-worth, all of that.
Speaker 1 (10:22):
Yeah, I know, when I think about my moving on and I'm
going to call it running away Ijust like I move on, you know.
But I like security too.
You know what I mean.
So definitely conflicts withthat like feeling secure, you
know.
Then you're always on unstableground, right?
Yes, number seven identify thereoccurring lessons where we get
(10:43):
into the shit, okay.
Okay, based on your reflections, identify common themes or
reoccurring messages in thepattern.
So this is gonna.
This might take you a day, aweek, a month.
Well, and give it the time.
Give it the time it needs.
Ask yourself what is thispattern trying to teach me?
What lesson or growthopportunity is embedded in it?
And this is the key, becauseyou might not be able to see it
(11:05):
and you could ask somebody else.
Be like what do you think thismeans?
Like I said, when I wascrafting this episode, I was
talking to Kyle and taking himthrough it with his and mine,
and we were reflecting on eachother, and having somebody else
that you trust reflecting on itagain is super important.
Yes, so the reoccurring lessonof the example we're taking you
through is to learn to sethealthy boundaries and
prioritize my needs withoutfeeling guilty or fearing
(11:29):
rejection.
I think fearing rejection iskey in this one.
It's about recognizing my worthbeyond what I do for others.
Speaker 2 (11:36):
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Speaker 1 (11:39):
Repeating that recognize your worth beyond what
you do for others.
Yes, all women need to hearthat.
Yep, it is.
Why is that so ingrained in usthat that's where our value
comes from?
I don't know why, but it is, itis For sure.
Yeah, it's a bummer.
Speaker 2 (11:55):
Absolutely it's a bummer, Absolutely it's a bummer
and it is.
How much more of yourself canyou give?
Yeah, it's so fucking toxic.
Speaker 1 (12:05):
It is toxic, god damn , it's poison in your life.
Yeah, so that is thereoccurring lesson, right?
Yeah, recognize your worthbeyond what you do for others,
value self-respect, fairness andbalance in relationships.
So then we go a little bitdeeper with summarizing the
lesson.
So you write a concise summaryof the lesson you've uncovered,
(12:26):
capture the core message orinsights, distill it into a
simple and clear statement.
So this example would be thelesson is to honor and respect
myself, set clear boundaries andlet go of the belief that my
worth is determined by myability to please others.
Speaker 2 (12:42):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (12:43):
So your worth is not determined by your ability to
please others.
Yeah, so summarize it so youidentify the lesson.
You kind of dissect it a littlebit and then summarize it
simply so you can remember it.
Speaker 2 (12:51):
And for me it's very much realizing and remembering
that it's not what I give toothers that I get back in my
life, it's what I give to myselfthat I get back in my life,
plain and simple.
Yes, like that is it.
It is it Really is.
I don't know why that's hard.
Yeah, it doesn't have to be.
Speaker 1 (13:07):
No.
Speaker 2 (13:07):
But for some reason it is yeah.
Speaker 1 (13:09):
It really is.
Yeah, this is life man.
Speaker 2 (13:12):
The lessons and Life as a woman?
Speaker 1 (13:14):
Yeah, exactly, it's not.
Even Men don't have thisfucking problem.
It's not fun, I don't like it.
I would say I didn't sign upfor it, but apparently we did so
.
Then the last one, number nine,is my favorite because I'm an
action kind of girl.
Speaker 2 (13:33):
It's the action steps .
Speaker 1 (13:34):
What are you going to do about it?
This is the part where I wantto shake people, and I was
talking to my coach, andrea, andI was like I just can't take it
.
I can't take it.
I'm surrounded by these peoplewho are like this right, yeah,
again, I always.
And they don't want to doanything about it.
They just want to sit andcomplain about it and be
miserable and be sad and beupset.
And I'm always like what areyou going to do?
Speaker 2 (13:52):
Yes, what are you going to do about it?
Speaker 1 (13:55):
That's my always-reanswer.
My reaction, my way ofnurturing, is not being like oh,
I'm so sorry you poor thing.
Mine is like pick yourself up.
Yeah, You're better than this.
Let's go.
That's my way of nurturingPeople may not like it or may
not like it, but that's who I am.
So I'm all about the action man.
You must need that.
Some people need it.
Speaker 2 (14:14):
Even if you don't want it, if you don't like it,
you need it.
Speaker 1 (14:18):
I might be the slap in the face that you don't want,
but just because in my life,every time, I don't know, maybe
it's something I need to reflecton, as part of my gift is being
able to see something and takeaction on it.
Yes, I don't know, maybe for meit comes naturally, so maybe
that is something I need to beaware of, and not everybody has
that.
But damn it.
Yes, I want to shake you,ladies, like you got to make the
(14:40):
move in the direction.
I don't have time, I'm too busy.
Ba da, ba, da blah.
Speaker 2 (14:45):
Either make it happen or make an excuse.
Yeah, you're not.
Speaker 1 (14:47):
My coach put me on a social media detox.
Like I am not, the only thingI'm doing on Instagram is
posting our stuff.
I'm not scrolling.
I deleted TikTok a while ago.
I'm not listening to podcastsfor a month, completely detoxing
from all incoming stuff so Ican focus on my creative energy,
that's.
So do the same with everyoneelse's bullshit, yeah, yeah.
So action steps, brainstorm,action steps you can take to
(15:10):
integrate the lesson and breakfree from the pattern.
Consider practical ways toimplement the lesson in your
life, making positive changesaligned with your growth.
This is where a coach comes inhandy, a therapist, all of those
sorts of things.
If you are unable to create theaction steps for yourself, yeah
, let us know what your patternis.
And if you're like, hey, whatdo you think we can give you
(15:30):
some thoughts.
But again, if you have a coach,a therapist, really great.
Yes.
So some action steps for ourdear gals who are manifesting
these vampires in their life.
Number one practicing no whenyou need to, and communicate
your boundaries assertively, yes.
So my coach, andrea, talked tome about radical boundaries, and
(15:55):
so I.
She had created kind of her own.
I wanna get the definition ofit.
She had created her owndefinition of it as well.
But she said radical boundaries.
Bernay Brown said it bestdaring to set boundaries is
about having the courage to loveourselves, even when we risk
disappointing others.
Speaker 2 (16:13):
Right yeah.
Speaker 1 (16:15):
So radical boundaries are clear and firm limits that
an individual establishes toprotect their well-being, values
and personal space.
They're designed to assertone's needs, maintain personal
integrity and prevent othersfrom crossing emotional,
physical and psychologicalboundaries.
Yeah, Radical boundaries notjust boundaries.
Yes, Right, so we'll share in aminute.
(16:35):
Maybe some ways you can do that, or what they look like.
But number one practicing no,try it out today.
Ha ha, ha, ha, ha, ha ha ha.
Communicate your boundariesassertively, yeah.
Number two remind yourself thatit's okay to prioritize your
needs and well-being.
This might be an affirmationyou need to create for yourself
during the day.
Like you know, we've alreadytalked a little bit about it.
(16:56):
You can turn any of thesethings into affirmations, but
create that mantra for yourselfWake up in the morning, say it.
Yep, even if you don't believeit yet.
Yes, say it anyway.
Turn on it yeah meditate on it,make it your mantra yeah.
Number three seek outrelationships that are based on
mutual respect.
So I think that's great Like ifthis is your pattern and you're
always manifesting thesevampires.
(17:17):
Maybe you need a more consciousseeking of your friends.
Speaker 2 (17:22):
That's a hard one to transition into.
Yeah, because you can seek outpeople who you're like.
Wow, I feel really respected byyou and I feel like there's a
mutual understanding ofboundaries here and this feels
like a healthy relationship.
But takers are always gonnatake Yep and they expect givers
are always gonna give yes andthere's no limit or boundary to
(17:42):
that relationship for them.
There's no limit or, you know,boundary to that understanding
for them.
So distancing yourself fromthose is the hard part.
That's where the work is to sayno, you know what.
I'm not going to cancel myplans to do something that you
want me to do because you sayyou need me.
Speaker 1 (18:03):
Exactly.
Speaker 2 (18:04):
I am going to stick to the boundary I set and this
new relationship that I'mcreating.
It's really difficult becauseessentially, you're breaking up
with, like friends or coworkersor you know, partners.
You know it gets to that pointwhere you go, I need to distance
myself from you, which isincredibly difficult.
Incredibly difficult if you arenew to it.
Incredibly difficult if you'reused to giving all of yourself
(18:28):
and suddenly you're not.
It's fucking hard.
So I think, if someone'slistening to this, going like
that's what I need to do, andthen they try to do it and
they're like holy shit, this ishard, I don't want to do it.
I don't want you to be in somefalse belief that, like this is
all you have to do and it's easy.
No, it's really fucking hardand you're going to go through
it, girl, you're going to gothrough it.
(18:49):
Please keep going.
Yes, please keep trying.
Please take small steps.
Yes, not easy, but it is worthit.
Speaker 1 (18:56):
Yes, it's not easy.
And even Jamie Lerner she saidyou know once I can't remember
exactly what she said, but shetalked about when you're coming
home to your true self and whoyou are and respecting yourself,
you lose friends.
Yeah Right, so it's the samething Like when you start
respecting yourself enough toset those radical boundaries.
Yes, you might lose people.
Maybe that's okay.
It's okay, right, yes.
Number four work on developinga stronger sense of self worth,
(19:21):
independent of externalvalidation.
This one is big for me as well.
Speaker 2 (19:25):
I'm going to say that's tough.
Speaker 1 (19:27):
Yes, so you know you can.
There's lots of ways you canwork on developing a stronger
sense of self worth.
Again, a lot of journaling, alot of reflecting on where this
is coming from, cause it'scoming from somewhere deeper or
to.
You know you can see, if you dosort of the map of your life
and the major events and thatwas another way I was shaping
the episode is like there'sthese quantum moments and talk
(19:48):
about the purpose episode, shapeyour life changes that put you
on a different path.
Right, yeah, so there's momentsin your life that that
formulated this yeah, likely inchildhood, maybe you know, you
had a parent that told you yeah,maybe you only got, you only
got shown love.
Yeah, you were doing well atsomething you know.
Speaker 2 (20:09):
Yeah, things reinforce something that were
just quickly.
I want to know something thatyou could research or look into.
Something that I am currentlyworking on with my therapist is
attachment style, and you know,figuring out what type of
attachment style you are canreally help key into oh, that's
why this is the relationshipthat I'm in.
(20:30):
That's what I react this waywhen you know my partner and I
are spending all day togetherand then they want to go do
something else and I feelrejected by that.
Or when I want to keep givingand giving and giving because I
think that that's going to bringme love or acceptance, and then
you know, you're shocked whenit doesn't.
Maybe dig into research whatyour attachment style is and
(20:52):
that can help clue you into whyam I acting in these ways?
Why do I, you know, make thesame type of choices over and
over again, even with new peoplein the new places?
Yes, kind of doing the samepatterns?
You should understand a littlebit about yourself and go like,
okay, this, this, probably, andit's directly rooted in your
(21:13):
childhood 100% because youcreate it's what it, not to get
too too far into it.
Please research it for yourself.
It's incredibly helpful.
It has been for me.
So what attachment style youcreated with your caregiver?
So if you have a secureattachment style with your
caregiver, then then youprobably are doing things pretty
securely.
There's a void and attachmentand there is anxious attachment
(21:34):
where you're very clinging andhanging and afraid they're going
to leave.
What that means or avoid it,where you're basically going
like I'll leave you before youleave me.
That's me, I know.
And then there is another onethat's a little bit more rare,
which, not to brag, but yourstruly has officially been
(21:55):
identified with that attachmentstyle.
It comes directly from traumaand it's basically like it's
called disorganized attachmentor fearful, anxious attachment.
It's.
It's sort of like you oscillatebetween both.
One day you're very avoided andthe next day you're very
anxious, or you're you knowyou're perfectly fine being on
your own and they're you knowthey're doing their own thing
(22:15):
and you don't give a fuck.
And then they come back and theyshow you some affection and
some love and you're like, oh,my god, I am attached to you and
then they go do something elseand you're like now you've left
me it's a very deep dive intoexplaining why you are the way
you are, and I think that thatcan help you in this.
I like that probably went on alittle bit longer than I needed
(22:36):
to go, but it has beenincredibly helpful for me.
I'm just, I'm just diving intoit, I'm really learning, and the
thing I think I want to wrap itup with is you can learn to
have a secure attachment.
Style, which really is the goalto be secure, and the way to do
that is creating a secureattachment to yourself is not
(22:59):
about your relationship withothers, which is where it came
from.
It is about your relationshipto yourself.
So learning how to create asecure attachment to yourself
can give you tools and you knowall of the things that you need
to kind of create this, theshift in your life where you go.
I am tired of these behaviorsand I'd like to be this way
(23:19):
instead.
Speaker 1 (23:20):
That's good, that's powerful.
We should do an episode on it.
Speaker 2 (23:22):
I know I was gonna text you about it and I'll just
talk to her about it.
Speaker 1 (23:25):
Yeah, let's commit to that, yeah it's great For the
season's over because I wannadig in.
I'll leave you before you leaveme.
Watch me bitch.
Speaker 2 (23:35):
You, I think, will be blown away when you start to
learn oh, this is how yourattachment style was created and
this is how I perpetuated thatpattern and this is how it's
manifesting in my current life.
It has been a game changer forme.
Speaker 1 (23:49):
I bet, okay, I need to reflect.
I mean immediately, I'm likeit's definitely for my mother
like leaving me and childhoodBecause it's your caregiver.
Speaker 2 (23:57):
And if your caregiver , we shouldn't get into it now.
We will get into it then.
Speaker 1 (24:01):
But yes, we're fucking doing it.
We're doing it.
Okay, well, back to number five, Because no, that was a good
tangent.
It was a good tangent.
This kind of relates seeksupport from friends, family or
therapist to reinforce yourgrowth and progress.
Speaker 2 (24:16):
Yes, and to help you see things you did not see
before.
Speaker 1 (24:19):
Don't yeah, not the toxic vampires.
Don't seek support from them.
No, thank you.
So there are lots of examplesyou can run through and I wanna
say, like the really fun partabout this, and you guys can all
try it too.
So how I got this example?
I had the framework that Icreated, though I just walked
you through the nine steps.
I asked AI to run through apattern of somebody who always
(24:44):
meets people like this, thisvampire, and AI was the one who
wrote this.
Oh, so this wasn't me coming upwith this person.
Cause again, why don't youchoose your own thing?
I have my own thing, but Idon't think my own thing is
impactful is what the women, ouraudience, need to hear.
There's a lot of women outthere who are attracting people
or taking advantage of them.
Speaker 2 (25:03):
Yes, who are willingly?
Speaker 1 (25:04):
giving all of them.
Yes, so it was interestingbecause when I read it I was
like, oh wow, like AI's got it,you know but, I do have my own
examples and, like I said, weall have multiple patterns, so
reflecting into them.
The pattern where I manifestpeople in authority positions
who make me feel worthless isone that we've talked about many
times on this podcast.
(25:25):
I didn't wanna use that onecause you know I'm tired, I'm
tired of talking about that one,but Fair enough.
But I think it's fun, so you cantry it.
You can take the pattern andmaybe you're not able to see it.
Yes, you run it through AI.
See what AI tells you, andmaybe you're like oh, cause when
it said this stuff aboutrecognizing my worth beyond what
I do for others.
I'm like that is this person,that's it.
(25:46):
I was like it's so right on.
Speaker 2 (25:48):
I love when you get that little nugget and you're
like that is fucking it.
Speaker 1 (25:51):
That's the light bulb , that's the shift.
Yes, so if you're not using AI,get with it.
You can also formulate your ownjournal questions with AI too.
So dig into something likemaybe a specific thing.
You're like how do I feel moreworthy of this and that and this
, and that?
It's a brilliant tool.
Speaker 2 (26:07):
Don't be left behind.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (26:09):
Yeah, the last thing I wanted to touch on was just
going back to radical boundariesJust how these sort of how
these are Like, what are thetraits of them?
So, first of all, be very clearwith your boundary.
Yes, there is no lack ofclarity in a radical boundary.
Yep, it is stating exactly whatyou mean.
There's no ambiguity.
It's straightforward.
Speaker 2 (26:29):
Yes, clarity.
Be, clear about it before youset that boundary to someone
else.
Speaker 1 (26:33):
Yeah, a regular boundary might be like no, I'm
not feeling like it today.
Clear one is like I'm notfeeling like it because of X, Y
and Z.
Yes, Right, Yep, Be consistent.
If you sway once, the energyvampires are like oh, I got an
in.
Speaker 2 (26:48):
They know if they can get you to do it once, they can
get you to do it again.
Speaker 1 (26:52):
Absolutely, that's the bottom line yes, so be
consistent in setting yourradical boundaries.
Yep Number three do notnegotiate.
Speaker 2 (26:59):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (26:59):
Don't negotiate your boundaries.
There is no like oh okay, well,just this one to oh no, oh what
?
It's not open to compromise.
Radical boundaries are not opento compromise.
Maybe regular boundaries areSure, we're talking radical
share yeah.
Speaker 2 (27:14):
They're set in stone Well, and if you're creating
goals with your partner, let'ssay sure interpretation, there's
some negotiation.
When you're setting radicalboundaries for your own mental
health, for your own self-worth,there is no compromise, yeah,
Period.
Speaker 1 (27:30):
None Done, Done.
Number four be a self-advocate.
Speaker 2 (27:34):
So, again.
Speaker 1 (27:35):
your radical boundaries are about you.
They're about you, not anyoneelse, so you need to advocate
for you.
Nobody else is gonna advocatefor your freaking boundary.
Speaker 2 (27:43):
It's important that it is about you Exactly.
I think a lot of people arelike I'm afraid for it to be all
about me, yeah.
Speaker 1 (27:48):
That's the most important.
Speaker 2 (27:49):
Be assertive, baby.
It is about you only.
Speaker 1 (27:51):
Yes.
And then the last one respectyourself and others, so focus on
self-protection, but also, youknow, respect the boundaries of
other people.
Yeah.
So if you don't respect otherpeople's boundaries, how are you
gonna respect your own?
Speaker 2 (28:04):
How do you expect?
Speaker 1 (28:05):
them to respect your boundaries, exactly, yeah,
exactly.
So you know, be aware TotallyOf how you are with other
people's boundaries.
Yes, yeah, it can be all aboutyou, but not in the shitty way.
Yeah, so that's it.
We'll share some journalprompts for each of those, the
framework.
There's lots of other ways youcan do this.
You can do a map of your life.
There's so many cool things.
(28:26):
I think it's been like sixweeks of kind of curating this
episode.
Yeah, I mean, like I said, itcould be a whole podcast.
So, Mm-hmm, but that's what wegot.
Season two of.
You know seeing your patternsGo back to season one.
We're on a journey here.
Yeah, totally Right, yes ma'am,okay, well, good luck yeah.
Speaker 2 (28:46):
Good luck, you can do it.
It's not easy.
Speaker 1 (28:48):
I believe in you.
It's worth it.
Yeah, and I just wanna shakeyou.
Whoever you are out there, keeprepeating the same patterns.
It's time for some action.
Yeah, take some action.
Yep, all right, thank you,we'll talk to you later.
Speaker 2 (29:02):
Bye See you.
Welcome to part two of the world is your reflection.
This is the part where we'regoing to get into the helping
you really clean that mirror,identify the patterns fully and
work through the lesson.
Yeah, this is the part thatgets me.
Every time I could see thepattern, the lesson is really
hard.
Speaker 2 (00:16):
This is where the work is, and how do you learn it
?
How do you learn it?
Speaker 1 (00:18):
Yeah, so put together something that I think will be
helpful.
There's probably lots of toolsout there and, again, we are not
psychologists and therapistsand all that shit, so seek help
where you will.
Speaker 2 (00:32):
Or if you have a really great tool for this, tell
us, totally, tell us.
I would love to share it, I'dlove to know it.
Yes, I would love to repost you, exactly Just tell me.
Speaker 1 (00:43):
So in the last episode you learned you gathered
your.
I always list, I always do this, I always do that.
You found your patterns.
You may have grouped them.
You may find that you have alot of relationship patterns in
your life.
You have a lot of this and that, and there are so many.
We could do a whole podcastabout this.
There could be differentbranches of how to work through
this.
So this one is really helpingyou dissect those specific ones,
(01:07):
maybe the common themes youhave, and so I'm going to work
you through, like what's thesteps?
And then I did some exampleones, one from my life.
I did one that I think is areally common one for women that
I'd love to work through andjust show you how to apply it,
because I think that's theimportant part.
When you get these sort ofthings, you're like okay, but
how?
Like what's an example?
I need examples.
(01:28):
I don't know if you do, but Ido, it's easier, it's easier.
So here we go.
You ready, I'm ready, there'snine steps.
Okay, nine steps.
The first is you're gonna sofirst get your journal out, baby
.
And number one is start bydescribing the pattern.
You have to give a fulldescription.
(01:48):
So in the I always, you mayhave said and let's use the
example that I use I always, Ialways manifest people who are
taking advantage of me.
This is not mine, this is apattern I see in somebody that I
love dearly and I wanted towork through this in their lens.
I always manifest somebody.
You know people in my life whoare like parasites.
They, they take advantage of mykindness and I.
(02:11):
You know all of that stuffright, yes, yes, vampires, yeah
yeah.
So that's the I always.
Now you need to write adetailed description of the
pattern, Be specific situations,behaviors.
It's a little bit of youwriting the story like talk
about it, and this is where freeform journaling, you know, flow
of consciousness works.
It's don't try to think about ittoo much, just write about it.
(02:34):
You know, write about thispattern.
Yeah, get it out.
Yep, be very descriptive, stepone you got to fully understand
it, yeah, and again, I'll giveyou an example after we go
through this, or should I do atthe same time?
Yeah, I think so.
Okay, so then I'll give you theexample, kind of a one in one.
Yeah, I'll give you the example.
So in in the example that youare, you know, attracting people
(02:54):
who take advantage of you.
So so you're saying, Iconsistently find myself
attracting people who takeadvantage of my kindness and
generosity in variousrelationships and friendships, I
end up in situations where I'mgiving more than I receive and
it leaves me feeling drained andunappreciated.
I often struggle to set clearboundaries and have difficulty
saying no, which perpetuatesthis pattern.
(03:16):
That's a simple example.
Obviously, you could do a fivepage journal on that.
Yes, but for this specificperson I'm thinking of, people
are always taking advantage oftheir kindness and generosity.
Yeah, so that's describing it.
Step two explore your emotionswith it.
Oof, yeah, that's big.
We said emotions are yourcompass.
Right, they are tied to everyaction?
Speaker 2 (03:36):
Yeah, they are, they are tied to everything.
Speaker 1 (03:39):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (03:40):
Understand what emotion it is and why are you
feeling that way?
Speaker 1 (03:42):
Yes, use the emotional scale, abraham Hicks,
we talked about it all the time,but reflect on where you're at
on that scale.
So reflect on the emotions thatarise when the pattern repeats.
Allow yourself to fully expressand explore the emotions.
So an example for the one we'reusing is when this pattern
repeats, I feel a mix offrustration, resentment and
(04:03):
sadness.
I am frustrated with myself fornot asserting my needs,
resentful of others for takingadvantage of my kindness, and
sad that my efforts to be caringand giving are not reciprocated
.
Yes, so that's an example,maybe different for you, but
really, being honest withyourself, how do you feel about
it?
Speaker 2 (04:22):
What emotions are you experiencing?
Speaker 1 (04:23):
Yeah, and I wish I could work through this with
this specific person, because Iwant them to work through this
Two of those things where I wantto shake somebody.
Yes, so that's exploring youremotions.
I also wanted to say we willhave journal prompts separately
available for a download because, again, there's so many ways
you can use this tool, so Idon't want to do that in this
(04:44):
episode, but we'll give you someof those journal prompts for
each of these.
Number three is examine thebeliefs and thoughts.
So this is dive deeper into theunderlying belief and thoughts
that drive the pattern.
So, like we said in the lastepisode, your thoughts and
beliefs create your realityright, yes.
They are the reflection, so youreally need to examine them.
What am I thinking, what am Ibelieving about this scenario?
(05:06):
Yeah, what am I creating?
Yeah, what am I creating?
So, in this example, I believethat being kind and selfless is
the right way to be, and I fearthat asserting myself will lead
to conflict or rejection.
Yeah, I often think that if Ikeep giving, eventually people
will appreciate and reciprocatemy efforts, but it rarely
happens.
Speaker 2 (05:26):
Yes, I believe putting myself in second place
is where I belong.
Speaker 1 (05:29):
Yes, and I chose this one specifically because I
think a lot of women live inthis energy.
They have a lot of people whotake advantage of them for their
nurturing energy, for theirloving energy, their caring
energy.
I think, women, there's a lotof people who vampire on our
energy.
Speaker 2 (05:45):
So I think it's a good one to do Well, and then
we're surprised when it happens.
I know it's like we keep doingit over and over again and then
going like what the fuck Exactly?
Speaker 1 (05:51):
Why do?
Speaker 2 (05:51):
people keep taking advantage of me when I just give
them all of me with noexpectation of like.
Speaker 1 (05:56):
Exactly.
Yeah, it's a very powerful one,ladies.
Yeah, I know some people areconnecting with it Well move
past the shame of do I do this?
Speaker 2 (06:04):
Yes, oh my god, I do do this.
Don't be shamed about it and belike fuck, I don't even want to
talk about it or touch it.
Yeah, just dive in.
Yeah, just dive in.
Dismantle it, pull the pin onthe grenade, blow that shit up
and start fresh.
Yeah, do it.
Speaker 1 (06:18):
Number four is reflect on past experiences.
So this is powerful in youcould create a map of your life.
When you do your, I always yeah.
So like my big, one of my bigpatterns is, like I said, when I
decide I'm just going to move,and it comes from a pattern.
In my childhood we moved a lot.
We were always moving.
I went to like seven differentschools as a kid, versus like
(06:39):
the normal kid goes to three.
Speaker 2 (06:41):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (06:41):
Elementary, middle, yeah, maybe whatever preschool,
Just seven.
We moved a lot, States to state, all of that stuff and so I
developed this thought andbelief that moving was exciting
and we got to start fresh and itwas also scary because nobody
liked me and my sister so we gottreated like shit.
But seeing that pattern over mylife is now makes me understand
(07:01):
why I choose to do that now.
Because I didn't have a choice.
Before I was a kid, we weremoving, yes.
So now I'm like, well, justgoing to move on, yeah, just
going to move and leaveUrg-guards K, you know, yeah,
that's my pattern.
Speaker 2 (07:12):
It's hard, I'll leave it behind One of my patterns.
I have many.
Speaker 1 (07:16):
So so, reflecting on your past experiences, consider
whether there are any pastexperiences that might have
contributed to the informationof this pattern.
Reflect on how thoseexperiences have influenced your
belief, choices and behaviors,kind of like I just said.
Yeah, so in the example we'reworking through, reflecting on
my past, I see that my patternof being taken advantage of goes
(07:37):
back to my childhood.
I learned that being agreeableand putting others' needs first
was how I was gained approvaland love.
As a result, I developed abelief that my worth is tied to
how much I do for others.
Yeah, yeah.
How many women feel that way?
Too many, too many.
Speaker 2 (07:53):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:53):
Too many?
Yeah, and so the one that tiesto it is number five is seek
patterns in other areas of yourlife.
So, while you've identifiedthis one, you're like, okay, I
for me, I move a lot, and allthis, where else is this sort of
showing up?
Yeah, so expand yourperspective by examining if this
pattern appears in other areasof your life.
(08:13):
So this is why the groupingthem so mine is about, you know,
maybe the general challenges ofmoving, but then maybe it also
shows up in relationships for me, right.
Or maybe it also shows up incareer.
So are there other areas whereyou're seeing this happen?
Right, look for commonalitiesand connections between
different situations orrelationships where the pattern
(08:33):
manifests.
Right.
Very deep thinking here, yeah,so an example of this for ours
is this pattern of feeling takenadvantage of also manifests in
my work environment, where Ioften feel, where I often take
on more tasks than I can handleto avoid disappointing others or
being seen as unhelpful.
Speaker 2 (08:52):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (08:52):
So it's so funny because I literally this is the
example person and I see that intheir work like they're just
burned out and exhausted, takingon everything.
Speaker 2 (09:04):
Yes, because God forbid someone see them as not
doing the most to be helpful.
Yes, oh yeah.
Speaker 1 (09:11):
Such a gosh, yeah, so many women I guess it's a hard
one.
Yeah.
Number six is to connect withyour values.
So values are so importantwe're going to talk about a
little bit in the purposeepisode as well but values
reflecting on your core values.
Consider how this patternaligns or conflicts with them.
So we all have values and ifyou haven't done a value
exercise I can't remember whichepisode we did it on, but you
(09:31):
can Google search, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, there's plenty of ways.
Brené Brown has a really goodone.
You can search her valueexercise and you can narrow down
to your top values in your lifeand really understand.
Like, what do I stand for?
Your values are how you stay inalignment with your purpose.
It's the ways you're showing up, right, right.
So explore whether the patternis hindering your ability to
(09:53):
live in alignment with thevalues and what it means for
your personal growth.
Yeah, an example of this comingto life is.
This pattern conflicts with mycore value of self-respect,
fairness and balance inrelationships.
It prevents me from living inalignment with these values and
erodes my self-esteem.
Yeah, so once you figure outyour values, compare it with
(10:13):
this pattern.
Yeah, like, you'll see theconflict.
Well, it's like, are you?
Speaker 2 (10:16):
valuing your time.
Speaker 1 (10:18):
Yeah, you know, are you valuing your?
Speaker 2 (10:20):
own like self-worth, all of that.
Speaker 1 (10:22):
Yeah, I know, when I think about my moving on and I'm
going to call it running away Ijust like I move on, you know.
But I like security too.
You know what I mean.
So definitely conflicts withthat like feeling secure, you
know.
Then you're always on unstableground, right?
Yes, number seven identify thereoccurring lessons where we get
(10:43):
into the shit, okay.
Okay, based on your reflections, identify common themes or
reoccurring messages in thepattern.
So this is gonna.
This might take you a day, aweek, a month.
Well, and give it the time.
Give it the time it needs.
Ask yourself what is thispattern trying to teach me?
What lesson or growthopportunity is embedded in it?
And this is the key, becauseyou might not be able to see it
(11:05):
and you could ask somebody else.
Be like what do you think thismeans?
Like I said, when I wascrafting this episode, I was
talking to Kyle and taking himthrough it with his and mine,
and we were reflecting on eachother, and having somebody else
that you trust reflecting on itagain is super important.
Yes, so the reoccurring lessonof the example we're taking you
through is to learn to sethealthy boundaries and
prioritize my needs withoutfeeling guilty or fearing
(11:29):
rejection.
I think fearing rejection iskey in this one.
It's about recognizing my worthbeyond what I do for others.
Speaker 2 (11:36):
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Speaker 1 (11:39):
Repeating that recognize your worth beyond what
you do for others.
Yes, all women need to hearthat.
Yep, it is.
Why is that so ingrained in usthat that's where our value
comes from?
I don't know why, but it is, itis For sure.
Yeah, it's a bummer.
Speaker 2 (11:55):
Absolutely it's a bummer, Absolutely it's a bummer
and it is.
How much more of yourself canyou give?
Yeah, it's so fucking toxic.
Speaker 1 (12:05):
It is toxic, god damn , it's poison in your life.
Yeah, so that is thereoccurring lesson, right?
Yeah, recognize your worthbeyond what you do for others,
value self-respect, fairness andbalance in relationships.
So then we go a little bitdeeper with summarizing the
lesson.
So you write a concise summaryof the lesson you've uncovered,
(12:26):
capture the core message orinsights, distill it into a
simple and clear statement.
So this example would be thelesson is to honor and respect
myself, set clear boundaries andlet go of the belief that my
worth is determined by myability to please others.
Speaker 2 (12:42):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (12:43):
So your worth is not determined by your ability to
please others.
Yeah, so summarize it so youidentify the lesson.
You kind of dissect it a littlebit and then summarize it
simply so you can remember it.
Speaker 2 (12:51):
And for me it's very much realizing and remembering
that it's not what I give toothers that I get back in my
life, it's what I give to myselfthat I get back in my life,
plain and simple.
Yes, like that is it.
It is it Really is.
I don't know why that's hard.
Yeah, it doesn't have to be.
Speaker 1 (13:07):
No.
Speaker 2 (13:07):
But for some reason it is yeah.
Speaker 1 (13:09):
It really is.
Yeah, this is life man.
Speaker 2 (13:12):
The lessons and Life as a woman?
Speaker 1 (13:14):
Yeah, exactly, it's not.
Even Men don't have thisfucking problem.
It's not fun, I don't like it.
I would say I didn't sign upfor it, but apparently we did so
.
Then the last one, number nine,is my favorite because I'm an
action kind of girl.
Speaker 2 (13:33):
It's the action steps .
Speaker 1 (13:34):
What are you going to do about it?
This is the part where I wantto shake people, and I was
talking to my coach, andrea, andI was like I just can't take it
.
I can't take it.
I'm surrounded by these peoplewho are like this right, yeah,
again, I always.
And they don't want to doanything about it.
They just want to sit andcomplain about it and be
miserable and be sad and beupset.
And I'm always like what areyou going to do?
Speaker 2 (13:52):
Yes, what are you going to do about it?
Speaker 1 (13:55):
That's my always-reanswer.
My reaction, my way ofnurturing, is not being like oh,
I'm so sorry you poor thing.
Mine is like pick yourself up.
Yeah, You're better than this.
Let's go.
That's my way of nurturingPeople may not like it or may
not like it, but that's who I am.
So I'm all about the action man.
You must need that.
Some people need it.
Speaker 2 (14:14):
Even if you don't want it, if you don't like it,
you need it.
Speaker 1 (14:18):
I might be the slap in the face that you don't want,
but just because in my life,every time, I don't know, maybe
it's something I need to reflecton, as part of my gift is being
able to see something and takeaction on it.
Yes, I don't know, maybe for meit comes naturally, so maybe
that is something I need to beaware of, and not everybody has
that.
But damn it.
Yes, I want to shake you,ladies, like you got to make the
(14:40):
move in the direction.
I don't have time, I'm too busy.
Ba da, ba, da blah.
Speaker 2 (14:45):
Either make it happen or make an excuse.
Yeah, you're not.
Speaker 1 (14:47):
My coach put me on a social media detox.
Like I am not, the only thingI'm doing on Instagram is
posting our stuff.
I'm not scrolling.
I deleted TikTok a while ago.
I'm not listening to podcastsfor a month, completely detoxing
from all incoming stuff so Ican focus on my creative energy,
that's.
So do the same with everyoneelse's bullshit, yeah, yeah.
So action steps, brainstorm,action steps you can take to
(15:10):
integrate the lesson and breakfree from the pattern.
Consider practical ways toimplement the lesson in your
life, making positive changesaligned with your growth.
This is where a coach comes inhandy, a therapist, all of those
sorts of things.
If you are unable to create theaction steps for yourself, yeah
, let us know what your patternis.
And if you're like, hey, whatdo you think we can give you
(15:30):
some thoughts.
But again, if you have a coach,a therapist, really great.
Yes.
So some action steps for ourdear gals who are manifesting
these vampires in their life.
Number one practicing no whenyou need to, and communicate
your boundaries assertively, yes.
So my coach, andrea, talked tome about radical boundaries, and
(15:55):
so I.
She had created kind of her own.
I wanna get the definition ofit.
She had created her owndefinition of it as well.
But she said radical boundaries.
Bernay Brown said it bestdaring to set boundaries is
about having the courage to loveourselves, even when we risk
disappointing others.
Speaker 2 (16:13):
Right yeah.
Speaker 1 (16:15):
So radical boundaries are clear and firm limits that
an individual establishes toprotect their well-being, values
and personal space.
They're designed to assertone's needs, maintain personal
integrity and prevent othersfrom crossing emotional,
physical and psychologicalboundaries.
Yeah, Radical boundaries notjust boundaries.
Yes, Right, so we'll share in aminute.
(16:35):
Maybe some ways you can do that, or what they look like.
But number one practicing no,try it out today.
Ha ha, ha, ha, ha, ha ha ha.
Communicate your boundariesassertively, yeah.
Number two remind yourself thatit's okay to prioritize your
needs and well-being.
This might be an affirmationyou need to create for yourself
during the day.
Like you know, we've alreadytalked a little bit about it.
(16:56):
You can turn any of thesethings into affirmations, but
create that mantra for yourselfWake up in the morning, say it.
Yep, even if you don't believeit yet.
Yes, say it anyway.
Turn on it yeah meditate on it,make it your mantra yeah.
Number three seek outrelationships that are based on
mutual respect.
So I think that's great Like ifthis is your pattern and you're
always manifesting thesevampires.
(17:17):
Maybe you need a more consciousseeking of your friends.
Speaker 2 (17:22):
That's a hard one to transition into.
Yeah, because you can seek outpeople who you're like.
Wow, I feel really respected byyou and I feel like there's a
mutual understanding ofboundaries here and this feels
like a healthy relationship.
But takers are always gonnatake Yep and they expect givers
are always gonna give yes andthere's no limit or boundary to
(17:42):
that relationship for them.
There's no limit or, you know,boundary to that understanding
for them.
So distancing yourself fromthose is the hard part.
That's where the work is to sayno, you know what.
I'm not going to cancel myplans to do something that you
want me to do because you sayyou need me.
Speaker 1 (18:03):
Exactly.
Speaker 2 (18:04):
I am going to stick to the boundary I set and this
new relationship that I'mcreating.
It's really difficult becauseessentially, you're breaking up
with, like friends or coworkersor you know, partners.
You know it gets to that pointwhere you go, I need to distance
myself from you, which isincredibly difficult.
Incredibly difficult if you arenew to it.
Incredibly difficult if you'reused to giving all of yourself
(18:28):
and suddenly you're not.
It's fucking hard.
So I think, if someone'slistening to this, going like
that's what I need to do, andthen they try to do it and
they're like holy shit, this ishard, I don't want to do it.
I don't want you to be in somefalse belief that, like this is
all you have to do and it's easy.
No, it's really fucking hardand you're going to go through
it, girl, you're going to gothrough it.
(18:49):
Please keep going.
Yes, please keep trying.
Please take small steps.
Yes, not easy, but it is worthit.
Speaker 1 (18:56):
Yes, it's not easy.
And even Jamie Lerner she saidyou know once I can't remember
exactly what she said, but shetalked about when you're coming
home to your true self and whoyou are and respecting yourself,
you lose friends.
Yeah Right, so it's the samething Like when you start
respecting yourself enough toset those radical boundaries.
Yes, you might lose people.
Maybe that's okay.
It's okay, right, yes.
Number four work on developinga stronger sense of self worth,
(19:21):
independent of externalvalidation.
This one is big for me as well.
Speaker 2 (19:25):
I'm going to say that's tough.
Speaker 1 (19:27):
Yes, so you know you can.
There's lots of ways you canwork on developing a stronger
sense of self worth.
Again, a lot of journaling, alot of reflecting on where this
is coming from, cause it'scoming from somewhere deeper or
to.
You know you can see, if you dosort of the map of your life
and the major events and thatwas another way I was shaping
the episode is like there'sthese quantum moments and talk
(19:48):
about the purpose episode, shapeyour life changes that put you
on a different path.
Right, yeah, so there's momentsin your life that that
formulated this yeah, likely inchildhood, maybe you know, you
had a parent that told you yeah,maybe you only got, you only
got shown love.
Yeah, you were doing well atsomething you know.
Speaker 2 (20:09):
Yeah, things reinforce something that were
just quickly.
I want to know something thatyou could research or look into.
Something that I am currentlyworking on with my therapist is
attachment style, and you know,figuring out what type of
attachment style you are canreally help key into oh, that's
why this is the relationshipthat I'm in.
(20:30):
That's what I react this waywhen you know my partner and I
are spending all day togetherand then they want to go do
something else and I feelrejected by that.
Or when I want to keep givingand giving and giving because I
think that that's going to bringme love or acceptance, and then
you know, you're shocked whenit doesn't.
Maybe dig into research whatyour attachment style is and
(20:52):
that can help clue you into whyam I acting in these ways?
Why do I, you know, make thesame type of choices over and
over again, even with new peoplein the new places?
Yes, kind of doing the samepatterns?
You should understand a littlebit about yourself and go like,
okay, this, this, probably, andit's directly rooted in your
(21:13):
childhood 100% because youcreate it's what it, not to get
too too far into it.
Please research it for yourself.
It's incredibly helpful.
It has been for me.
So what attachment style youcreated with your caregiver?
So if you have a secureattachment style with your
caregiver, then then youprobably are doing things pretty
securely.
There's a void and attachmentand there is anxious attachment
(21:34):
where you're very clinging andhanging and afraid they're going
to leave.
What that means or avoid it,where you're basically going
like I'll leave you before youleave me.
That's me, I know.
And then there is another onethat's a little bit more rare,
which, not to brag, but yourstruly has officially been
(21:55):
identified with that attachmentstyle.
It comes directly from traumaand it's basically like it's
called disorganized attachmentor fearful, anxious attachment.
It's.
It's sort of like you oscillatebetween both.
One day you're very avoided andthe next day you're very
anxious, or you're you knowyou're perfectly fine being on
your own and they're you knowthey're doing their own thing
(22:15):
and you don't give a fuck.
And then they come back and theyshow you some affection and
some love and you're like, oh,my god, I am attached to you and
then they go do something elseand you're like now you've left
me it's a very deep dive intoexplaining why you are the way
you are, and I think that thatcan help you in this.
I like that probably went on alittle bit longer than I needed
(22:36):
to go, but it has beenincredibly helpful for me.
I'm just, I'm just diving intoit, I'm really learning, and the
thing I think I want to wrap itup with is you can learn to
have a secure attachment.
Style, which really is the goalto be secure, and the way to do
that is creating a secureattachment to yourself is not
(22:59):
about your relationship withothers, which is where it came
from.
It is about your relationshipto yourself.
So learning how to create asecure attachment to yourself
can give you tools and you knowall of the things that you need
to kind of create this, theshift in your life where you go.
I am tired of these behaviorsand I'd like to be this way
(23:19):
instead.
Speaker 1 (23:20):
That's good, that's powerful.
We should do an episode on it.
Speaker 2 (23:22):
I know I was gonna text you about it and I'll just
talk to her about it.
Speaker 1 (23:25):
Yeah, let's commit to that, yeah it's great For the
season's over because I wannadig in.
I'll leave you before you leaveme.
Watch me bitch.
Speaker 2 (23:35):
You, I think, will be blown away when you start to
learn oh, this is how yourattachment style was created and
this is how I perpetuated thatpattern and this is how it's
manifesting in my current life.
It has been a game changer forme.
Speaker 1 (23:49):
I bet, okay, I need to reflect.
I mean immediately, I'm likeit's definitely for my mother
like leaving me and childhoodBecause it's your caregiver.
Speaker 2 (23:57):
And if your caregiver , we shouldn't get into it now.
We will get into it then.
Speaker 1 (24:01):
But yes, we're fucking doing it.
We're doing it.
Okay, well, back to number five, Because no, that was a good
tangent.
It was a good tangent.
This kind of relates seeksupport from friends, family or
therapist to reinforce yourgrowth and progress.
Speaker 2 (24:16):
Yes, and to help you see things you did not see
before.
Speaker 1 (24:19):
Don't yeah, not the toxic vampires.
Don't seek support from them.
No, thank you.
So there are lots of examplesyou can run through and I wanna
say, like the really fun partabout this, and you guys can all
try it too.
So how I got this example?
I had the framework that Icreated, though I just walked
you through the nine steps.
I asked AI to run through apattern of somebody who always
(24:44):
meets people like this, thisvampire, and AI was the one who
wrote this.
Oh, so this wasn't me coming upwith this person.
Cause again, why don't youchoose your own thing?
I have my own thing, but Idon't think my own thing is
impactful is what the women, ouraudience, need to hear.
There's a lot of women outthere who are attracting people
or taking advantage of them.
Speaker 2 (25:03):
Yes, who are willingly?
Speaker 1 (25:04):
giving all of them.
Yes, so it was interestingbecause when I read it I was
like, oh wow, like AI's got it,you know but, I do have my own
examples and, like I said, weall have multiple patterns, so
reflecting into them.
The pattern where I manifestpeople in authority positions
who make me feel worthless isone that we've talked about many
times on this podcast.
(25:25):
I didn't wanna use that onecause you know I'm tired, I'm
tired of talking about that one,but Fair enough.
But I think it's fun, so you cantry it.
You can take the pattern andmaybe you're not able to see it.
Yes, you run it through AI.
See what AI tells you, andmaybe you're like oh, cause when
it said this stuff aboutrecognizing my worth beyond what
I do for others.
I'm like that is this person,that's it.
(25:46):
I was like it's so right on.
Speaker 2 (25:48):
I love when you get that little nugget and you're
like that is fucking it.
Speaker 1 (25:51):
That's the light bulb , that's the shift.
Yes, so if you're not using AI,get with it.
You can also formulate your ownjournal questions with AI too.
So dig into something likemaybe a specific thing.
You're like how do I feel moreworthy of this and that and this
, and that?
It's a brilliant tool.
Speaker 2 (26:07):
Don't be left behind.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (26:09):
Yeah, the last thing I wanted to touch on was just
going back to radical boundariesJust how these sort of how
these are Like, what are thetraits of them?
So, first of all, be very clearwith your boundary.
Yes, there is no lack ofclarity in a radical boundary.
Yep, it is stating exactly whatyou mean.
There's no ambiguity.
It's straightforward.
Speaker 2 (26:29):
Yes, clarity.
Be, clear about it before youset that boundary to someone
else.
Speaker 1 (26:33):
Yeah, a regular boundary might be like no, I'm
not feeling like it today.
Clear one is like I'm notfeeling like it because of X, Y
and Z.
Yes, Right, Yep, Be consistent.
If you sway once, the energyvampires are like oh, I got an
in.
Speaker 2 (26:48):
They know if they can get you to do it once, they can
get you to do it again.
Speaker 1 (26:52):
Absolutely, that's the bottom line yes, so be
consistent in setting yourradical boundaries.
Yep Number three do notnegotiate.
Speaker 2 (26:59):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (26:59):
Don't negotiate your boundaries.
There is no like oh okay, well,just this one to oh no, oh what
?
It's not open to compromise.
Radical boundaries are not opento compromise.
Maybe regular boundaries areSure, we're talking radical
share yeah.
Speaker 2 (27:14):
They're set in stone Well, and if you're creating
goals with your partner, let'ssay sure interpretation, there's
some negotiation.
When you're setting radicalboundaries for your own mental
health, for your own self-worth,there is no compromise, yeah,
Period.
Speaker 1 (27:30):
None Done, Done.
Number four be a self-advocate.
Speaker 2 (27:34):
So, again.
Speaker 1 (27:35):
your radical boundaries are about you.
They're about you, not anyoneelse, so you need to advocate
for you.
Nobody else is gonna advocatefor your freaking boundary.
Speaker 2 (27:43):
It's important that it is about you Exactly.
I think a lot of people arelike I'm afraid for it to be all
about me, yeah.
Speaker 1 (27:48):
That's the most important.
Speaker 2 (27:49):
Be assertive, baby.
It is about you only.
Speaker 1 (27:51):
Yes.
And then the last one respectyourself and others, so focus on
self-protection, but also, youknow, respect the boundaries of
other people.
Yeah.
So if you don't respect otherpeople's boundaries, how are you
gonna respect your own?
Speaker 2 (28:04):
How do you expect?
Speaker 1 (28:05):
them to respect your boundaries, exactly, yeah,
exactly.
So you know, be aware TotallyOf how you are with other
people's boundaries.
Yes, yeah, it can be all aboutyou, but not in the shitty way.
Yeah, so that's it.
We'll share some journalprompts for each of those, the
framework.
There's lots of other ways youcan do this.
You can do a map of your life.
There's so many cool things.
(28:26):
I think it's been like sixweeks of kind of curating this
episode.
Yeah, I mean, like I said, itcould be a whole podcast.
So, Mm-hmm, but that's what wegot.
Season two of.
You know seeing your patternsGo back to season one.
We're on a journey here.
Yeah, totally Right, yes ma'am,okay, well, good luck yeah.
Speaker 2 (28:46):
Good luck, you can do it.
It's not easy.
Speaker 1 (28:48):
I believe in you.
It's worth it.
Yeah, and I just wanna shakeyou.
Whoever you are out there, keeprepeating the same patterns.
It's time for some action.
Yeah, take some action.
Yep, all right, thank you,we'll talk to you later.
Speaker 2 (29:02):
Bye See you.
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