3 Tips for Having Tough Conversations

We often avoid difficult conversations, but addressing conflicts directly leads to stronger relationships rather than allowing resentment to build and potentially emerge "sideways." Understanding that all relationships cycle through harmony, disharmony, and repair helps us recognize conflicts as opportunities for growth.

• Lead with curiosity, not accusation: examine your triggers, consider others' intentions, and share your experience without blame
• Say what you mean without being mean: describe situations objectively, own your interpretations, and express feelings clearly
• Listen to understand the other person's reality: open your heart to their experience instead of listening defensively
• The repair process is where trust forms and relationships become stronger and more resilient
• Having difficult conversations builds relationship "muscles" through temporary vulnerability that leads to greater strength

If you need help navigating difficult conversations, book a complimentary call with me at monicatanner.com/call

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 0 (00:00):
Hello and welcome to the Secrets of Happily Ever
After podcast.
I'm your host, monica Tanner,and I'm excited for today's
episode because recently I had avery tough conversation with
somebody that I care deeplyabout unintentionally said some
things on social media thatreally hurt my feelings.

(00:21):
Now I know her actions weren'tintentional and it was very
tempting for me to think that Iwas making a big deal out of
nothing, that it would be easierjust not to say anything.
I know this family member issuper non-confrontational, so I
didn't even know if we'd be ableto have a productive
conversation about it.
But I knew that it was eatingat me and I knew that if I

(00:44):
didn't say anything I would feelresentment.
It might come out sideways thenext time I saw them, and so I
knew in my heart of hearts thatI needed to bring this up and
bring it to their attention.
So in today's podcast episode Iwanted to give you a few tips
for how to have really toughconversations, whether you're

(01:07):
talking to your spouse, oryou're talking to a family
member or a friend, or even oneof your children, and whether
you're having a toughconversation about money, which
we talked about last week, orsex or in-laws, whatever the
case may be, I would say thatit's always better to bring up
your concerns with anotherperson rather than stuffing them

(01:29):
down and hoping that, with time, that your feelings will just
go away.
My experience doing that haseither created a lot of distance
, because there'smisunderstanding and hurt and
resentment, or those feelingscome out sideways, meaning you
don't talk about the things thatare really bothering you, but

(01:50):
you're making like passive,aggressive jabs at them or
trying to hurt them in otherways that you're not aware of.
So, if we remember that allrelationships are an endless
cycle of harmony, disharmony andrepair, there's always going to
be ruptures, there's alwaysgoing to be misunderstandings,
there's always going to be timeswhen you're not agreeing or

(02:14):
somebody says something thataffected you in a way that they
probably didn't mean.
But it's worth having theconversation, not only for the
other person involved, but alsofor yourself, so that you can
gain more insight andunderstanding into who that
person is and even why it mighthave upset you.

(02:35):
So in my case, I saw that mydear friend was online and they
were talking about somethingthat they were super passionate
about, which I do all the time,so I completely understand that.
I clicked on her post and again, I know she didn't mean to, but
she was very specific about asituation that was hurtful not

(03:00):
only to me but to somebody elsethat I really love, and so I
wanted to bring it to herattention because, again, I know
she didn't mean it the way thatit came out, but it was hurtful
.
So a few things that I'm reallyproud of myself about is,
historically, my knee jerkreaction.

(03:20):
My losing strategy is usuallyretaliation, so when I feel hurt
by something, my first reactionis to hurt back.
I'm not sure exactly where thisoriginated, but I know that
that is my first go-to, and sowhen I originally saw the social

(03:40):
media post, I took a breath andI shifted out of that knee jerk
adaptive child reaction and Idecided that I needed some time
and distance to process what hadhappened.
So I went to bed that night.
I woke up the next morning, Igot a good workout in, and as I
was working out I kind ofthought about the best way to

(04:02):
bring up what happened and asksome clarifying questions,
because I value myself and thisvery close friend of mine,
because I knew that aconversation needed to be had,
even though I was trying to talkmyself out of it, like it's
really not that big of a deal.
It's just social media.
Nobody really knows who she'stalking about, but I knew that

(04:26):
if I didn't say anything that Iwould stew about it, that it
would come up at weird times,that the next time I saw her I
would be thinking about it, andso those were all of my tells
that I just needed to saysomething.
So when a tough conversationneeds to be had, here are three

(04:46):
things that can make it gosmoother.
Number one lead with curiosity,not accusation.
So originally when I heard it,I wanted to retaliate, but also
I wanted to just say you saidthis and I didn't like it.
You said this and I didn't likeit.

(05:09):
But first I got curious.
What is it about what I heardthat was triggering to me, and
why was it triggering?
And then, what could be herintention behind what she said?
So to kick off the conversation, I let my friend know how much
I cared about her and ourrelationship, and then I let her
know what I experienced.

(05:31):
This is what I heard and thisis the impact it had on me.
I led with a lot of curiosityabout myself.
I got curious about her andinstead of making broad
accusations that she was beinginconsiderate and unthoughtful
and just acting in her bestinterest and not caring about
its impact on anybody else.

(05:51):
Those are a lot of accusations,but things that I make up.
Right, I just simply let herknow what I heard, what I
experienced when I heard it andhow that impacted me.
And then I listened.
So the first tip is to lead withcuriosity, not accusation.
My second tip is to say whatyou mean without being mean

(06:15):
meaning don't beat around thebush.
I know a lot of people talkabout using a sandwich method,
like say one nice thing and thentalk about the problem in the
middle and then say somethingnice at the end.
I don't feel like that'snecessary.
I think that you should cut tothe chase, say what you mean and

(06:36):
then listen, be open.
You don't have to be harsh orcruel or again accusatory, but
just talk about your experiencefrom your point of view.
Now, if you feel like there'ssome malice or mal intent, I
would own that so you can saysomething like what I make up

(06:59):
about what you said is that youdon't really care about me, that
you're totally inconsiderate.
Now you're saying things thatare unkind, yes, but you're
owning that, what I make upabout that.
So you don't have to be harsh,you don't have to be cruel.
You do have to takeresponsibility for the story

(07:20):
you're telling yourself aboutwhat happened.
So the best way to do this isto describe what happened from
the point of view of securitycam footage.
So no drama, no interpretations, just what happened as the
security cam would have seen it,and then own what you make up

(07:41):
about it.
Own the story you're tellingabout what the security cam
footage would have reported, andthen you can express how you
felt about that.
That made me feel sad, afraid,hurt, whatever the feeling is
there, angry.
Whatever you feel about thestory that you make up, it's

(08:04):
good to let the other personknow, and then you can add.
What I would like now is so forme in this scenario.
I talked about what happened, Iexplained my experience or what
I made up about it.
I said that I was heartbrokenand then I asked for an apology.
So that was the way in which Isaid what I meant, without being

(08:28):
mean.
And then the third and final tipI'll give you about having hard
conversations is to reallylisten.
For most of us, as humans, whenwe're hurt.
Our defenses go up when we haveto have tough conversations
with people.
A lot of times we're listeningfor their missteps so that we

(08:49):
can reload and shoot again, butwhat I really want to invite you
to consider is to listen withan open heart, listen to
understand their reality.
So this is on both sides.
If somebody is starting a toughconversation with you, try to
understand their subjectivereality, and what I mean by that

(09:11):
is their experience.
Everyone makes sense tothemselves.
You might be thinking you'recrazy.
That didn't happen.
But get curious, say what youmean and seek to understand what
kind of crazy they might be.
Does that make sense?
So, on both sides of the toughconversation, you want to listen

(09:33):
to understand the experiencethat the other person is having
what was hurtful, what was hard,what made them angry, and by
doing so, you get to enter intothe repair process.
And the beautiful thing aboutthe repair process is this is

(09:53):
where trust is formed, this iswhere relationships are
strengthened, this is where youbecome more resilient.
So at the end of this wholeexperience, after my friend and
I had gone back and forth onwhat happened, how we
experienced it, how we feltabout it, I felt so grateful and

(10:16):
I was glad that the whole thinghappened, because I felt
stronger for being able toexpress myself calmly and
compassionately.
I understood her a lot betterand I felt like our relationship
truly was strengthened in thatstruggle.
So my prayer for this episodeis that it will give you some

(10:37):
hope, that it will give you someguidance, that it will relieve
some of the stress of havingdifficult conversations, because
the outcome is often so muchbetter than ignoring, stuffing
down your feelings, hoping itwill go away, talking yourself
out of it.

(10:57):
Having these toughconversations is like building
muscles you have to be willingto do the hard work to break the
muscles down, to be vulnerable,so that they can build up
stronger.
And it's the same with anyrelationship, whether you're
talking about your spouse,whether you're talking about a
friend, a coworker, one of yourchildren, a beloved family

(11:20):
member.
Having hard conversations willultimately strengthen your
relationship and if you needhelp with this, please reach out
.
You can book a complimentarycall with me at monicatanercom.
Backslash call.
I'm not saying that theseconversations are easy and
you're not going to get it rightevery time.

(11:42):
Sometimes it will go sideways,sometimes the person you're
talking to will not be receptiveand they will not be skillful,
but I guarantee, if you practicethose three skills that I just
gave you one to start withcuriosity.
Two, to say what you meanwithout being mean.

(12:03):
And three, seek to understandyour partner's subjective
reality Practicing those threeskills will make difficult
conversations go better, and Iwant to tell you from the bottom
of my heart that having thesetough conversations will
strengthen your relationships.

(12:23):
So don't be afraid, dive in andplease reach out if you have
any questions or need any help,and I will see you same time,
same place next week.
Bye for now.