October 21, 2025 • 12 mins
What if a single, gentle question could turn tense moments into real connection? That’s the promise of “contracting,” a simple consent-based habit that replaces surprise talks with intentional, focused conversations. We walk through how this tiny shift—asking “Is now a good time?” and agreeing on a short window—respects attention, reduces defensiveness, and builds trust that sticks.
• what contracting is and why it works
• how consent checks prevent ambush talks
• sample scripts for respectful timing
• prepping topics with short previews
• external vs internal processing styles
• three reasons contracting builds safety
• the sprinkler story and timing misfires
• honoring reschedules and follow-through
• presence rules: phones down, eyes up
• weekly challenge to try contracting
Thank you so much if you've already purchased Bad Marriage Advice. If you have purchased it and had a chance to look through it, I would absolutely love and appreciate if you would go back to Amazon and leave your honest review. Use this link to leave a review --> https://www.amazon.com/review/create-review/?&asin=B0FQ46HG3S.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
Hello and welcome to the Secrets of Happily Ever
(00:02):
After podcast.
I'm your host, Monica Tanner,and I have a really great
episode for you today.
I'm just gonna teach you arelational skill that literally
changed the way my husband and Icommunicate with each other, and
it's so simple.
So before we start, I justwanted to thank you so much if
you've already purchased badmarriage advice.
(00:24):
I have felt so loved andsupported through this whole
launch, and I just wanted tothank you.
And if you have purchased it andhad a chance to look through it,
I would absolutely love andappreciate if you would go back
to Amazon and leave a review.
Just give your thoughts on thebook, the content, anything you
want.
And if you will look at the shownotes or the description,
(00:48):
however you're watching thisright now, if you'll just press
more, you can scroll through andthere is a link that will lead
you right to the place where youcan leave a review.
So I've made it super simple.
That would be a huge favor to meand I would really appreciate
it.
That's how other people willknow that bad marriage advice is
(01:08):
worth the investment.
So again, thank you so much.
And on to today's episode.
Today's gonna be short andsweet, but I promise it will
change the way you communicatewith your spouse forever.
I want to talk about a simplerelational skill and it's called
contracting.
This is one of those things thatsounds a little formal, like you
(01:29):
want me to contract with myspouse, but once you understand
it, it makes so much sense andit will save you so many
arguments and understanding.
Now, contracting in the way Iuse it when I am working with
couples is I'll typically ask,sometimes you'll hear me do this
on a podcast, can I give yousome feedback?
What that does is it creates acontract with my client because
(01:53):
if they can't handle thefeedback or they don't want it,
they have the opportunity to sayno.
Or if they're ready for it, ifthey want the feedback, they'll
say yes, go ahead.
And then I've created a contractthat at least I know I asked and
got permission to give them somefeedback.
(02:13):
And it might be uncomfortable,they might not like it, but they
asked for it, or they at leastgave me permission to give it.
So that's how contracting worksin kind of a coachingslash
therapeutic sense.
But when you use it in yourrelationship, it's really
powerful.
Basically, it's just making surethat your partner is available
(02:34):
emotionally, mentally, andpractically physically, before
you bring up somethingimportant.
So it's the opposite of catchingthem off guard or jumping in and
ambushing them when they aredistracted, tired, or focused on
something else.
Now, I'm sure you can all thinkof times when you've done this
(02:54):
and it didn't go well.
Because if you've ever tried tobring up a sensitive topic at
the wrong time, you already knowhow that goes, right?
So contracting is simple and itsounds something like this.
Hey, is now a good time to talkabout something that's been on
my mind?
Or when do you think we couldfind 20 minutes in the next 24
hours or so to talk aboutsomething important?
(03:16):
Now, you get bonus points forprepping them for what you might
talk about.
It could be, is now a good timeto talk about investing in a new
dishwasher or talking aboutJohnny and how he's doing in
school or this trip that I'mthinking about taking, right?
If you prepare your spouse evenfurther by being specific about
what you want to discuss andassure them that it's only gonna
(03:39):
take a few minutes, but youwanna make sure you have their
undivided attention, all of thatis implicitly in the question.
Is now a good time to talk aboutsomething that's important to
me?
So that's it.
You're not demanding theirattention, you're inviting it.
It's honoring their ability tochoose whether or not they're
(04:01):
gonna open up to some topic,right?
And when you do that, yourspouse feels respected instead
of ambushed.
In my own marriage, this was agame changer for two reasons.
One, I used to bring up thingsin the moment that worked for
me.
For example, if I was chewing onsomething, I learned really
(04:23):
early on in our marriage thatsome of the ways that were
modeled by my parents on how totalk about topics or address
things did not work for myhusband.
So I've known for a long timethat if I want to talk to my
husband about something, I'vegot to think it through and
remove all of the emotion fromit.
I've got to be able to makelogical arguments and like be
(04:46):
able to state concisely what I'mthinking about.
Otherwise, he'll totally tune meout.
But what I'll do is a lot oftimes I'll think of something
and I've been thinking about itfor a few days or even a week or
so, and I'm ready to talk aboutit.
And so the minute my husbandcame home from work or when we
were cleaning up dinner or whenhe was trying to watch a game or
(05:06):
something, here I am trying tobring up this thing that I'm
totally ready to talk about.
But he was completely ambushed.
And honestly, what would happenis he would completely shut
down.
Not because he didn't care andnot because he didn't love me,
but it was because he wasn't ina space to really listen and
give me his attention.
So once I learned how to pauseand ask, is now a good time to
(05:29):
talk about something important?
Or can we set a time to talkabout such and such?
Everything started to change.
Instead of defensiveness, I gothis presence.
And instead of frustration, Igot him engaging with me on the
topic I wanted to talk about.
So it's not about timing itperfectly, it's about creating a
(05:49):
safe space for both of you to beable to show up and be present
and give your undividedattention to each other for a
short amount of time.
So why does this simple skill ofcontracting, which is basically
just a question, why does itwork so well?
Because when you contract,you're doing three things.
(06:09):
Number one, you're showingrespect for your partner's
world, right?
You're acknowledging that theyhave their own things that they
focus on, their own stress,their own mental load.
And you're not just assumingthat they're available on demand
for you anytime you want to talkabout something, right?
Like it's respecting the factthat maybe they need some
(06:30):
preparation or they're just notin a good place to listen to you
in this moment.
Again, it's not about how muchthey love you or how good of a
spouse they are.
It's literally about justrespecting their mental capacity
and space, right?
Number two, you're setting thestage for success.
Instead of catching themmid-task, focused on something
(06:50):
else, or doing something thatthey are choosing to be doing,
you're agreeing on a time thatyou're both ready to listen.
I'll tell you that when Icontract with my husband to talk
about something that's importantto me, I always get a better
response that when I try tobring it up like right in the
middle of when he's catching thehighlights of a game or
(07:11):
something, right?
Number three, it builds trustand safety.
Your spouse learns that when youbring something up, it's
thoughtful and it's not asurprise attack.
Now, I will tell you, there is ahuge fundamental difference
between my husband and I.
And I think many of you willprobably relate.
I am an external processor,meaning when I'm trying to think
(07:35):
through something or figuresomething out, I like to talk
about it out loud.
That means that a lot of thetimes when I'm talking about
something, that those thoughtsare not fully thought out.
I will say something and belike, oh my gosh, Monica, you
are really overreacting.
Let's tone it down a bit.
Or when I say something outloud, I'll be like, oh, that
(07:55):
doesn't make sense.
Let's try something different,right?
But I like to say it out loud,hear myself say it, and then I
can process it.
Whereas my husband is completelydifferent.
He's an internal processor,meaning he likes to be
contemplative.
When he's working throughsomething, he's doing it in his
head so that when he speaks,it's thoughtful and fully
(08:18):
developed.
Now, neither of these ways arebetter or worse than the other.
In fact, there are scenarioswhen my way works better, and
there are definite scenarioswhen his way works better.
And actually having both createssome really good conversations.
But before I understood that, Iused to feel like I'm talking
and he's not listening or notcaring or not responding.
(08:41):
And it used to drive me crazyuntil I figured out that I'm
just talking and he is trying tofigure it out in his head before
he responds.
And it's not that he's notlistening, it's just that he's
being contemplative.
And also he now understands thata lot of times when I'm talking,
he doesn't have to respond tolike the exact thing that I
(09:02):
said.
Because probably if he waits asecond, I'll take it back or
dial it down or figure out abetter way to say it.
So now we understand that abouteach other, and it's so much
more effective.
So the reason I'm telling youthis is when people feel safe,
they stay open.
And that's when real connectionhappens.
If you can build trust in eachother, that when I have
(09:24):
something important to talkabout, you're going to oblige me
by giving me your fullattention, whether it's now or
in a few hours or the next day.
I know that you care and thatyou want to hear the thing
that's important to me, butyou've got to be able to give me
your full attention.
And I know that when we contractabout it, then you will give me
(09:45):
your full attention.
It's such a small thing, but itcreates a ripple effect.
There's fewer reactivearguments, more meaningful
conversation, and a deeper senseof partnership and working
together.
So here is my challenge to youthis week.
The next time something's onyour mind and you want to talk
to your partner about it,instead of blurting it out or
(10:06):
pushing through when the timingfeels off, a great example that
I always think about is this onetime my husband was working on
the sprinklers and it was superstressful for him because it was
this DIY project that was wayabove his capabilities, but he
really felt like he could watcha YouTube video and just switch
out the sprinkler heads.
And I wanted to talk about thisthing that I had been thinking
(10:28):
about for weeks.
And for some reason I thoughtthat he was elbow deep digging
up sprinkler heads in our yardwould be a good time to bring it
up.
Obviously, that ended reallybadly.
And if I had just said, hey,I've been thinking about this
thing and I'd love to talk aboutit with you, is now a good time,
or can we find a time latertoday?
That conversation would havegone so differently.
(10:52):
And then this is the importantpart.
You've got to trust your spouseto follow through.
So maybe my spouse was like,hey, I'm literally in the middle
of this sprinkler project.
I can't give you my fullattention right now, but give me
another hour to finish this andthen clean up, and then we can
go for a walk and talk about it.
The caveat is this that hour myhusband thought it would take
(11:12):
him to finish the sprinklersturned into like four.
And instead of pushing, I justlet him relax for a little while
after that four hours ofstressful fixing the sprinklers.
And then we went on a walk andtalked about it, and it was
awesome.
So once you contract for a time,whether it's immediately or
sometime in the near future,when that time comes, be
(11:36):
present.
Put your phone down, give yourspouse their full attention, and
expect them to give you theirs.
You'll be amazed how muchsmoother and more productive
your conversations become whenyou both feel respected and
ready to communicate.
So that's it.
That is the relational skill ofcontracting, a small shift that
(12:00):
makes a huge impact.
Because when you stopinterrupting and you start
inviting your partner to listen,you create that space for real
connection and intimacy.
No matter what you'recommunicating about, it doesn't
have to be perfect.
It just has to be intentional.
And so that little question ofis now a good time can transform
(12:24):
the way you talk, the way youlisten, and the way you
understand each other.
So try it out this week and I'dlove to hear how it goes.
Reach out to me on any platformand just let me know, hey, I
tried contracting and it wasawesome.
Or if you have any questionsabout how this may or may not
work in your marriage,definitely send them my way and
(12:47):
make sure you join us same time,same place next week for a
really cool conversation with areally cool couple.
And until then, happymarriaging.
Hello and welcome to the Secrets of Happily Ever
(00:02):
After podcast.
I'm your host, Monica Tanner,and I have a really great
episode for you today.
I'm just gonna teach you arelational skill that literally
changed the way my husband and Icommunicate with each other, and
it's so simple.
So before we start, I justwanted to thank you so much if
you've already purchased badmarriage advice.
(00:24):
I have felt so loved andsupported through this whole
launch, and I just wanted tothank you.
And if you have purchased it andhad a chance to look through it,
I would absolutely love andappreciate if you would go back
to Amazon and leave a review.
Just give your thoughts on thebook, the content, anything you
want.
And if you will look at the shownotes or the description,
(00:48):
however you're watching thisright now, if you'll just press
more, you can scroll through andthere is a link that will lead
you right to the place where youcan leave a review.
So I've made it super simple.
That would be a huge favor to meand I would really appreciate
it.
That's how other people willknow that bad marriage advice is
(01:08):
worth the investment.
So again, thank you so much.
And on to today's episode.
Today's gonna be short andsweet, but I promise it will
change the way you communicatewith your spouse forever.
I want to talk about a simplerelational skill and it's called
contracting.
This is one of those things thatsounds a little formal, like you
(01:29):
want me to contract with myspouse, but once you understand
it, it makes so much sense andit will save you so many
arguments and understanding.
Now, contracting in the way Iuse it when I am working with
couples is I'll typically ask,sometimes you'll hear me do this
on a podcast, can I give yousome feedback?
What that does is it creates acontract with my client because
(01:53):
if they can't handle thefeedback or they don't want it,
they have the opportunity to sayno.
Or if they're ready for it, ifthey want the feedback, they'll
say yes, go ahead.
And then I've created a contractthat at least I know I asked and
got permission to give them somefeedback.
(02:13):
And it might be uncomfortable,they might not like it, but they
asked for it, or they at leastgave me permission to give it.
So that's how contracting worksin kind of a coachingslash
therapeutic sense.
But when you use it in yourrelationship, it's really
powerful.
Basically, it's just making surethat your partner is available
(02:34):
emotionally, mentally, andpractically physically, before
you bring up somethingimportant.
So it's the opposite of catchingthem off guard or jumping in and
ambushing them when they aredistracted, tired, or focused on
something else.
Now, I'm sure you can all thinkof times when you've done this
(02:54):
and it didn't go well.
Because if you've ever tried tobring up a sensitive topic at
the wrong time, you already knowhow that goes, right?
So contracting is simple and itsounds something like this.
Hey, is now a good time to talkabout something that's been on
my mind?
Or when do you think we couldfind 20 minutes in the next 24
hours or so to talk aboutsomething important?
(03:16):
Now, you get bonus points forprepping them for what you might
talk about.
It could be, is now a good timeto talk about investing in a new
dishwasher or talking aboutJohnny and how he's doing in
school or this trip that I'mthinking about taking, right?
If you prepare your spouse evenfurther by being specific about
what you want to discuss andassure them that it's only gonna
(03:39):
take a few minutes, but youwanna make sure you have their
undivided attention, all of thatis implicitly in the question.
Is now a good time to talk aboutsomething that's important to
me?
So that's it.
You're not demanding theirattention, you're inviting it.
It's honoring their ability tochoose whether or not they're
(04:01):
gonna open up to some topic,right?
And when you do that, yourspouse feels respected instead
of ambushed.
In my own marriage, this was agame changer for two reasons.
One, I used to bring up thingsin the moment that worked for
me.
For example, if I was chewing onsomething, I learned really
(04:23):
early on in our marriage thatsome of the ways that were
modeled by my parents on how totalk about topics or address
things did not work for myhusband.
So I've known for a long timethat if I want to talk to my
husband about something, I'vegot to think it through and
remove all of the emotion fromit.
I've got to be able to makelogical arguments and like be
(04:46):
able to state concisely what I'mthinking about.
Otherwise, he'll totally tune meout.
But what I'll do is a lot oftimes I'll think of something
and I've been thinking about itfor a few days or even a week or
so, and I'm ready to talk aboutit.
And so the minute my husbandcame home from work or when we
were cleaning up dinner or whenhe was trying to watch a game or
(05:06):
something, here I am trying tobring up this thing that I'm
totally ready to talk about.
But he was completely ambushed.
And honestly, what would happenis he would completely shut
down.
Not because he didn't care andnot because he didn't love me,
but it was because he wasn't ina space to really listen and
give me his attention.
So once I learned how to pauseand ask, is now a good time to
(05:29):
talk about something important?
Or can we set a time to talkabout such and such?
Everything started to change.
Instead of defensiveness, I gothis presence.
And instead of frustration, Igot him engaging with me on the
topic I wanted to talk about.
So it's not about timing itperfectly, it's about creating a
(05:49):
safe space for both of you to beable to show up and be present
and give your undividedattention to each other for a
short amount of time.
So why does this simple skill ofcontracting, which is basically
just a question, why does itwork so well?
Because when you contract,you're doing three things.
(06:09):
Number one, you're showingrespect for your partner's
world, right?
You're acknowledging that theyhave their own things that they
focus on, their own stress,their own mental load.
And you're not just assumingthat they're available on demand
for you anytime you want to talkabout something, right?
Like it's respecting the factthat maybe they need some
(06:30):
preparation or they're just notin a good place to listen to you
in this moment.
Again, it's not about how muchthey love you or how good of a
spouse they are.
It's literally about justrespecting their mental capacity
and space, right?
Number two, you're setting thestage for success.
Instead of catching themmid-task, focused on something
(06:50):
else, or doing something thatthey are choosing to be doing,
you're agreeing on a time thatyou're both ready to listen.
I'll tell you that when Icontract with my husband to talk
about something that's importantto me, I always get a better
response that when I try tobring it up like right in the
middle of when he's catching thehighlights of a game or
(07:11):
something, right?
Number three, it builds trustand safety.
Your spouse learns that when youbring something up, it's
thoughtful and it's not asurprise attack.
Now, I will tell you, there is ahuge fundamental difference
between my husband and I.
And I think many of you willprobably relate.
I am an external processor,meaning when I'm trying to think
(07:35):
through something or figuresomething out, I like to talk
about it out loud.
That means that a lot of thetimes when I'm talking about
something, that those thoughtsare not fully thought out.
I will say something and belike, oh my gosh, Monica, you
are really overreacting.
Let's tone it down a bit.
Or when I say something outloud, I'll be like, oh, that
(07:55):
doesn't make sense.
Let's try something different,right?
But I like to say it out loud,hear myself say it, and then I
can process it.
Whereas my husband is completelydifferent.
He's an internal processor,meaning he likes to be
contemplative.
When he's working throughsomething, he's doing it in his
head so that when he speaks,it's thoughtful and fully
(08:18):
developed.
Now, neither of these ways arebetter or worse than the other.
In fact, there are scenarioswhen my way works better, and
there are definite scenarioswhen his way works better.
And actually having both createssome really good conversations.
But before I understood that, Iused to feel like I'm talking
and he's not listening or notcaring or not responding.
(08:41):
And it used to drive me crazyuntil I figured out that I'm
just talking and he is trying tofigure it out in his head before
he responds.
And it's not that he's notlistening, it's just that he's
being contemplative.
And also he now understands thata lot of times when I'm talking,
he doesn't have to respond tolike the exact thing that I
(09:02):
said.
Because probably if he waits asecond, I'll take it back or
dial it down or figure out abetter way to say it.
So now we understand that abouteach other, and it's so much
more effective.
So the reason I'm telling youthis is when people feel safe,
they stay open.
And that's when real connectionhappens.
If you can build trust in eachother, that when I have
(09:24):
something important to talkabout, you're going to oblige me
by giving me your fullattention, whether it's now or
in a few hours or the next day.
I know that you care and thatyou want to hear the thing
that's important to me, butyou've got to be able to give me
your full attention.
And I know that when we contractabout it, then you will give me
(09:45):
your full attention.
It's such a small thing, but itcreates a ripple effect.
There's fewer reactivearguments, more meaningful
conversation, and a deeper senseof partnership and working
together.
So here is my challenge to youthis week.
The next time something's onyour mind and you want to talk
to your partner about it,instead of blurting it out or
(10:06):
pushing through when the timingfeels off, a great example that
I always think about is this onetime my husband was working on
the sprinklers and it was superstressful for him because it was
this DIY project that was wayabove his capabilities, but he
really felt like he could watcha YouTube video and just switch
out the sprinkler heads.
And I wanted to talk about thisthing that I had been thinking
(10:28):
about for weeks.
And for some reason I thoughtthat he was elbow deep digging
up sprinkler heads in our yardwould be a good time to bring it
up.
Obviously, that ended reallybadly.
And if I had just said, hey,I've been thinking about this
thing and I'd love to talk aboutit with you, is now a good time,
or can we find a time latertoday?
That conversation would havegone so differently.
(10:52):
And then this is the importantpart.
You've got to trust your spouseto follow through.
So maybe my spouse was like,hey, I'm literally in the middle
of this sprinkler project.
I can't give you my fullattention right now, but give me
another hour to finish this andthen clean up, and then we can
go for a walk and talk about it.
The caveat is this that hour myhusband thought it would take
(11:12):
him to finish the sprinklersturned into like four.
And instead of pushing, I justlet him relax for a little while
after that four hours ofstressful fixing the sprinklers.
And then we went on a walk andtalked about it, and it was
awesome.
So once you contract for a time,whether it's immediately or
sometime in the near future,when that time comes, be
(11:36):
present.
Put your phone down, give yourspouse their full attention, and
expect them to give you theirs.
You'll be amazed how muchsmoother and more productive
your conversations become whenyou both feel respected and
ready to communicate.
So that's it.
That is the relational skill ofcontracting, a small shift that
(12:00):
makes a huge impact.
Because when you stopinterrupting and you start
inviting your partner to listen,you create that space for real
connection and intimacy.
No matter what you'recommunicating about, it doesn't
have to be perfect.
It just has to be intentional.
And so that little question ofis now a good time can transform
(12:24):
the way you talk, the way youlisten, and the way you
understand each other.
So try it out this week and I'dlove to hear how it goes.
Reach out to me on any platformand just let me know, hey, I
tried contracting and it wasawesome.
Or if you have any questionsabout how this may or may not
work in your marriage,definitely send them my way and
(12:47):
make sure you join us same time,same place next week for a
really cool conversation with areally cool couple.
And until then, happymarriaging.
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