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July 8, 2025 16 mins

True intimacy requires the freedom to be ourselves in marriage. We explore what it means to create space where both partners feel safe, seen, respected, and supported throughout all seasons of life together.

• Creating emotional freedom by feeling safe to make mistakes, have opinions, and share feelings without judgment
• Physical freedom in maintaining personal friendships, self-care, and autonomy within partnership
• Sexual freedom to communicate desires, boundaries, and curiosities without shame
• Spiritual freedom to explore faith and values both individually and as a couple
• Using the powerful question "Tell me more about that" to foster understanding and connection
• Practicing grace over judgment and celebrating each other's individuality
• Giving each other permission to evolve, grow, and make mistakes

Join us for a special workshop on July 16th on "How to Stop Compromising to Get More of What You Want in Your Relationship." Sign up at www.monicatanner.com/stopcompromising to attend live or receive the recording.


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Episode Transcript

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Speaker 0 (00:00):
Hello and welcome to the Secrets of Happily Ever
After podcast.
I'm your host, monica Tanner,and I am recording this episode
on the 4th of July.
I am so excited about today'stopic, which I will be talking
about freedom not just freedomthat we enjoy in this country to
worship and to live the way wechoose, but in today's episode I

(00:25):
want to talk about freedom inmarriage, freedom to be
ourselves, and what it looks andfeels like to create an
intimate marriage where bothpartners feel free emotionally,
physically, sexually andspiritually.
But before we start, I want tomake you aware of a really cool

(00:48):
opportunity.
I am partnering with my friend,allie Bullock, who is a
licensed therapist, and we aregoing to be teaching a class on
how to stop compromising inorder to get more of what you
want in your relationship.
So if you feel like sometimesyou're giving up things that are
important to you in yourmarriage just to keep the peace

(01:09):
or because it's too much trouble, or you feel like you're being
a good partner by sacrificing, Ireally want you to consider
coming to our workshop.
We're going to be doing it onJuly 16th at noon, mountain
standard time, so two o'clockEastern and you could either
come live or get the recording.

(01:30):
You can come on your own orwith your partner, but
regardless, it's going to be areally great class or we'll be
teaching for about 45 minutes toan hour and then we'll be
taking live Q and a questionsfrom you on how to stop
compromising in order to getmore of what you want.
So to sign up for that, you'rejust going to go to
wwwmonicatanercom.

(01:53):
Backslash stop compromising theclasses in just over a week,
and I can't wait to see youthere.
All right, let's get to today'stopic.
This morning I woke up supergrateful for the freedom that we
enjoy in this country and themen and women who have made that
possible.
I also felt a deep sense ofgratitude for how much I have

(02:14):
grown as a person since Istarted this podcast seven years
ago Now.
I have shared a ton of contentonline using this podcast and
social media, and over the yearsI've learned to appreciate the
freedom I feel to state myopinion, to be wrong, to make

(02:35):
mistakes, to learn and grow andto share really vulnerable parts
of myself, not just for theheck of it, but because my hope
is that it will help someoneelse.
I've also learned andexperienced that other people
are free to have their ownopinions and judgments about the
content I'm putting out.

(02:56):
They're free to like or dislikethe content, they're free to
follow or unfollow my accountsand they're free to have their
own opinions about anything thatI'm talking about.
But I know for me, so muchgrowth has come from feeling
free to be who I am, and thistype of freedom is absolutely

(03:18):
essential to creating anintimate, passionate, healthy,
thriving marriage, and so that'swhat I want to talk about today
.
Freedom in marriage is not youand your partner get to do
whatever you want, like.
You do your thing and I'll domine.
What it does mean is that bothof you feel safe, seen,

(03:40):
respected and supported in yourmarriage throughout all the
different seasons of your lifetogether.
When that freedom is missing,we start hiding parts of
ourselves, walking around oneggshells or simply going
through the motion, and that isnot intimate.
That is basically living inself-protection mode.

(04:03):
True intimacy requires freedom.
So let's break that downFeeling free to be who you are,
to make mistakes, to have yourown opinions and perspectives
and preferences about things, tobe able to say how you really
feel about any topic and to haveyour own feelings, whether your

(04:27):
partner understands them or not, without being judged,
dismissed or punished.
That's what creates emotionalfreedom.
It means creating a space whereboth of you can share your
truth without feeling like yourpartner is trying to fix you or
change you or punish you for notbeing the same as they are.

(04:50):
The benefits of this emotionalfreedom is that, as we grow and
evolve and make mistakes andhave wins, that we have someone
there to go through the goodtimes and the bad, to support us
in all the seasons and be ourfriend and confidant.
That is intimacy into me.

(05:13):
See, without judging or blamingor defending or protecting,
it's vulnerable, it's real andit's absolutely essential.
So a little tip I can give youin order to create more
emotional freedom in yourrelationship is to constantly be
asking each other to tell memore about that.

(05:36):
So if you come home and yourpartner has had a bad day,
practice saying tell me moreabout that.
If they're super excited aboutsomething that happened, tell me
more about that.
If they're super excited aboutsomething that happened, tell me
more about that.
If they're feeling conflicted,if they had a fight with a
family member or friend, we canshow our love and support by,
instead of trying to fix thesituation for them, judge them

(06:00):
or make it about us.
We simply say tell me moreabout that.
So that's number one emotionalfreedom, so important.
The second area in which freedomis crucial is physically.
Now, this has more to do withdoes your partner feel free to
have their own friendships, to,say, go out for ladies night or

(06:23):
guys night?
Do they feel free to ask for ahug or a kiss when they need one
?
Do they feel free and this is abig one to take care of
themselves in the way that theyfind needful?
This includes things like whatthey eat, how often they sleep,
what they do with their day.
Physical freedom in arelationship is crucial.

(06:45):
I've worked with far too manycouples who feel like they are
somewhat owned by their partner.
Now, this doesn't have to beextremely overt, but it's a
feeling that their partner needsto know where they are at all
times, that they're constantlychecking their phone or looking
over their shoulder.
Sometimes it includes notfeeling free to spend money or

(07:08):
make decisions about theirhealth.
Now, it's good to work as ateam in all of these areas, but
as humans, we have the need tobe independent and we also have
the need to be connected and socreating freedom around yourself
physically requirescommunication about the things

(07:29):
that are important to you.
It means being aware of yourpartner's sense of physical
space, as well as their need foralone time versus being with
their friends, versus being withyou or being with the children.
These are all important areasof physical freedom that should
be explored, and you can usethat same question tell me more

(07:52):
about that explored and you canuse that same question tell me
more about that to learn abouteach other's physical intimacy
and freedom needs.
Now the next area of freedomthat is so important to address
is sexual freedom.
This is a big one that I workwith couples all the time to
manage this idea of feeling freearound their own sexuality.

(08:14):
This means feeling free toinitiate.
So many couples feel pressure,shame or fear around the topic
of sexuality.
Sexual freedom means you cantalk to your partner about your
desires, your boundaries, yourcuriosities and your
insecurities.
I recently asked my husband ina very intimate moment, what is

(08:38):
your favorite thing about beingmarried to me?
And he's smart, so he said somany things.
But right now he said I'mreally appreciating that I can
talk to you about anything thatI can share all of my sexual
feelings and fantasies with youand basically he was saying that
he feels free to be himself.
There's no good or bad, rightor wrong.

(09:00):
It's just who he is and can heshare that with me freely?
I will make you this promise.
The best sex you will ever haveis when both partners feel free
to express themselves, even whenthat means choosing when and
how to be sexually intimate witheach other.

(09:22):
For example, if your sexualroutine often involves duty sex
or sex out of obligation orfeeling like you need to
caretake, you will not feel thesexual intimacy and connection
that comes with full freedom ofexpression in this area.
True sexual intimacy isprobably the most vulnerable

(09:46):
thing that two adults canexperience together.
It takes time, effort and a lotof trust to create a sexual
relationship that works for bothof you, but I promise it's one
of the most important thingsthat you could put your effort
into.
Adult sexuality is theopportunity to play.

(10:07):
It's the opportunity todiscover.
It's the opportunity to createnot only life but pleasure and
connection and unity.
So I encourage you if you'renot feeling confident about your
sexual relationship, pleasereach out.
It's crucial that both of youfeel free around the topic of

(10:29):
sexuality.
All right.
And the final area I want toaddress when it comes to
creating freedom in yourmarriage is spiritual freedom.
So this is the freedom to grow,explore your faith, beliefs,
values, both as individuals andas a couple.
You don't have to be carboncopies of each other.

(10:50):
In fact, your spiritualdifferences can spark deeply
respectful and powerfulconversations.
I've noticed in our ownmarriage is, as we go through
the different seasons of ourlife and we experience the
challenges and celebrations bothindividually and together, our
ideas about religion and valuesand spirituality are constantly

(11:14):
changing.
One of my very favorite thingsthat my husband and I do
together is we take daily walks,especially when the weather is
good, and we love to talk aboutdifferent aspects of values and
religion and spirituality.
We are not the same when itcomes to this and instead of
using that as proof that we'renot meant to be together or we

(11:37):
don't have a strong relationshipor one of us is better than the
other, we use it as a way toexplore our differences, to
learn about each other, tosupport each other's spiritual
growth and learning and toreally like hash out our ideas
about life and the universe andGod and where we fit in all of

(11:58):
it.
They are some of the mostmeaningful and connecting
conversations that we have.
One of my favorite things todiscuss with him usually starts
with a question like what'sgiving you a sense of peace and
purpose lately?
That way, we can talk about thethings that are most important
to us without feeling judged ormisunderstood, and it gives us

(12:20):
the opportunity to grow andevolve, I think, into the best
version of ourselves.
So, in all of these areasemotional, physical, sexual and
spiritual here are just a coupleof tips to create freedom in
all of those areas together.
Number one is to start withsmall, honest conversations

(12:41):
every day.
Like I said, my husband and Ilove to walk together.
Number one is to start withsmall, honest conversations
every day.
Like I said, my husband and Ilove to walk together, and this
is where we talk about all thosedifferent areas of our life and
our marriage.
Number two celebrate eachother's individuality.
Instead of getting hung up onhow you're different, celebrate
how you're different, even if itfeels invalidating your partner

(13:02):
having a different stance orposition on something, as you
can help you to grow and openyour perspective and maybe have
an understanding of somethingthat you would never have been
able to explore before.
Number three is a big one.
Give each other permission toevolve and grow and make

(13:22):
mistakes.
I've worked with couples whereeither the husband or the wife
was so afraid of making amistake that they would
literally make themselves sick.
I know for me.
I've had periods of my life andmy marriage where I had so much
anxiety about not being perfectand it wasn't until I could let
go of that that I reallyexperienced growth.

(13:46):
It's okay to make mistakes.
It's okay to change your mind.
It's okay to get it wrong.
It's okay to try out differentideas about things.
You can do that in all of thoseareas.
It's okay to have big emotions.
It's okay to go out with yourfriends and decide that you miss
your partner and go home early.
It's okay to get really intodiet and exercise.

(14:08):
It's okay to decide you don'twanna drink soda anymore.
It's okay to try new things inbed and decide whether you like
them or whether you don't.
And it's okay to exploredifferent ideas about religion
to see if it brings you closeror farther from your values and
goals.
Give each other permission.

(14:30):
And fourth, practice grace overjudgment.
Again, that statement tell memore of that will help you
understand each other better andcreate more intimacy.
Remember that freedom inmarriage isn't about getting
your own way all the time.
It's about creating a spacewhere you're both free to be who

(14:51):
you are and become who you willbecome.
That's the only way to createan intimate, passionate
partnership where there's roomfor both of you to become the
best versions of yourself, whereyou feel free to be and become.
So as I close out this episode,here's what I want you to think

(15:12):
about.
Do I feel freedom in mymarriage emotionally, physically
, sexually and spiritually anddo my actions give my partner
the freedom to be and become, tomake mistakes, to evolve, to
grow and to share their truthwith me?

(15:32):
When you both feel free, then,and only then, can you write the
beautiful love story that youcame here to write together.
That is the essence of happilyever after.
So I hope that you enjoyed the4th of July and celebration of
freedom If you're in the UnitedStates, and if you're not, my

(15:53):
hope and prayer is that you cancreate the freedom to be and
become both individually andtogether in your marriage.
We'll see you next week, sametime, same place, and until then
, happy marriaging.
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