May 20, 2025 • 19 mins
When life gets chaotic, maintaining your sanity and your marriage requires intentional practices and clear communication. This episode shares my five-step approach to handling busy seasons with grace while keeping my relationship strong and cooperative.
• Start each day with focused prayer to identify what truly matters that day
• Ask for help confidently, remembering that it allows others the opportunity to serve
• Let your spouse know exactly how they can support you during busy times
• Make specific requests rather than general complaints about lack of help
• Keep "micro-disappointments" from becoming relationship-defining stories
• Create detailed lists and delegate responsibilities to lighten your load
• Practice saying "no" to protect your energy and relationships
• Express appreciation for all help received and prioritize daily connection
• Maintain relationship through daily check-ins, weekly date nights, and annual trips
• Remember that teamwork in chaos comes from intentional communication
Keep prioritizing each other in the chaos, and I'll see you next week, same time, same place. And until then, happy marriaging.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 0 (00:00):
Hello and welcome to the Secrets of Happily Ever
After podcast.
I'm your host, monica Tanner,and today's episode is a really
good quickie episode because Ihave so much going on right now
and people have been asking me,but also complimenting me, on
the way I'm handling so muchbusyness and change, and so I
(00:23):
wanted to do a quick episodethat would not only give you
some tips and tricks to handlingsome chaos because life can get
chaotic at times, for sure butalso on how to engender more
teamwork, working with yourspouse to get it all done.
So this month has beenextremely busy for our family.
(00:45):
It started off on May 3rd whenmy son got married, so we had a
wedding and I was responsiblefor catering a luncheon for 125
wedding guests not even in myown state, so I had to travel
and we stayed in Airbnb and wehad my son's wedding and I
(01:07):
catered this luncheon, and thatwas also on my 23rd wedding
anniversary, so we alsocelebrated that on the same day.
Then I came home for less thana week and drove my daughter and
her friend right back down toSalt Lake for a volleyball
tournament all that weekend.
(01:27):
Then I came home to my otherdaughter playing in the state
tennis tournament and then I hada whole bunch of family come
into town to watch the statetennis tournament as well as my
daughter graduating.
So she graduated from seminary,which is she did all four years
(01:50):
of a church class in highschool, and then we have the
tennis banquet tonight and thentomorrow she actually graduates
from high school with honors andall kinds of other cool cords
of things that she hasaccomplished this year.
(02:10):
So we're super proud of her andthen my company, that all came
into town for her graduation andfor state leave.
And then we're going on a tripand this is a very fun trip.
We're taking my entire familyof seven now with my
daughter-in-law, as well as ninefriends for my kids, and we're
(02:32):
basically going camping on alake.
So if any of you guys arefamiliar with Lake Powell, you
go on a houseboat and youbasically camp or glamp for a
week.
You have to bring all of yourfood, all of your bedding, we
have to bring boats and lifejackets and gas and all the
things it is a lot to preparefor, and all of this among my
(02:57):
younger kids finishing up schooland sports and all kinds of
other things happening in thebackground.
So, not to mention the factthat I'm still seeing clients,
I'm still recording podcastepisodes, I'm still doing
interviews and I'm finishing upmy book.
So it's a lot.
And so I wanted to jump on andrecord an episode about how I
(03:18):
handle all the chaos withoutabsolutely losing my mind, cause
I have had to, like stop andnot only take the compliments my
friends are giving me, but alsocompliment myself like good job
, monica, you are crushing this.
And so, number one, my numberone tip for handling a ton of
chaos and doing it with mypartner as my teammate and not
(03:42):
my adversary, and not likelosing my mind and getting
grumpy at him for not pullinghis weight and all of the things
.
The first thing I do is, everyday, I wake up and I say a
prayer.
I'm like heavenly father,today's a big day.
Help me to know what is themost important things for me to
accomplish today.
And then I listen for a littlebit.
(04:03):
Have you ever heard the termpray with a pencil?
This is what I do every morning.
I pray with a pencil.
I either do it in my bed andwrite in my little notebook next
to my bed, or I go into myoffice where my agenda and my
to-do list and my calendar andall the things are, and I just
say a little prayer and I'm likeHeavenly Father, things are,
(04:26):
and I just say a little prayerand I'm like heavenly father,
help me be able to sift out thethings that are not essential
and focus on the things thatneed to be done today.
So that is the first thing thatI do to set myself up for
success during the day, whenthere are lots of things going
on.
And the second thing I do is Iask for help.
Now, this is a complicatedthing, especially for women.
(04:47):
I think we struggle asking forhelp, like we don't want to be
vulnerable, we don't want to putother people out, we don't want
to admit that we can't do itall, and I want to say hogwash
to all of that.
It is so important to know whenyou need help.
Not only that, but it allowsother people to serve when they
(05:10):
want to help you.
Other people love helping.
Think about if someone were toask you for some help and it
wasn't outside of your abilities, like it was something that you
could help with.
Doesn't it make you feel sogood to be able to help?
Not only that, but, I thinkanother common roadblock that we
(05:30):
encounter when we go to ask forhelp is we're like oh, but what
if they really can't, or theyreally don't want to and they
can't, they don't like say no tome or whatever, and they feel
uncomfortable about it.
Here is something I want tobring to your attention.
Other people need to be incharge of their own boundaries.
(05:52):
So if you ask for some for helpand somebody agrees to help you
, you can just assume that theyare able and that they want to
help, and if that's not the case, they need to worry about that.
Not you Don't not ask for helpbecause you're trying to protect
somebody else.
(06:13):
You are giving them theopportunity to exercise their
boundaries, like, if they can'tdo it, they should be able to
say no to you.
That's something that theyshould learn, and if they can do
it, then they're probably superexcited and grateful for the
opportunity to help.
So either way, you're givingthem the opportunity to grow, so
(06:34):
you can be happy about that.
So asking for help is soimportant, especially when
you're weighed down.
So I have asked for so much helpthis month.
I had a friend of mine who'sreally good at planting came
over and helped me plant all myflowers, helped me go through my
flower beds and pull out thisold, dead stuff, and she loves
(06:57):
planting and she was so happy tohelp in that way.
I've also asked for loss ofcrock pots.
I've had my sister-in-laws helpme.
They've come over late into thenight and like help me prepare
food.
My husband has been soextremely helpful and right now
this is a cool story.
(07:17):
So my son and his wife are intown.
They've been here for a fewdays and one of my favorite
things is watching when my newdaughter-in-law is busy in the
kitchen.
She'll either be doing thedishes or she was making cookies
to help get ready for this tripthat we're taking and my son
will come up to her in thekitchen, wrap his arms around
(07:40):
her and say how can I help?
I love watching this.
It is so fun, not only becauseI'm getting to see my son just
be an awesome husband, but I waslike where did he learn how to
do that?
And the answer is he learnedfrom watching his dad all these
years, his entire life.
(08:00):
His dad has always my husbandbeen willing to help me.
Now he hasn't always been likewrap his arms around me and ask
how can I help?
I have partially trained him todo that.
Now he is naturally veryhelpful.
His love language is acts ofservice, so he does love to
serve and help.
(08:20):
But nobody can know all the waysin which you need help.
Like he can't read my mind, andso I've had to ask for help in
a lot of different ways, in alot of different circumstances,
so that he knows the exact kindof help that I need.
So, for example, at thebeginning of this month, I knew
(08:42):
that sleep was going to be ofutmost, super uber importance,
because if I don't get enoughsleep and I'm burning it at both
ends, I can tend to get reallyreally anxious.
But as long as I'm sleeping andmy brain is functioning
properly, I do really reallywell.
So I, at the beginning of thismonth, when I knew there was
going to be so much going on, Isaid love, will you help me make
(09:06):
sure that I'm getting enoughsleep?
And he was like yes, sosometimes, when there's things
going on late at night or thekids are still out on the
weekends, or if I'm just likefeeling exhausted, he's like you
go to bed, I will handle thisRight, cause I asked him ahead
of time to help me make sure Iget enough sleep.
Another thing I asked him tohelp me with is getting exercise
(09:28):
, because I know when I get busy, the first thing that I get rid
of is my exercise, and that'sso important for me to stay
mentally clear and physicallyactive right.
And so I said will you help memake sure I get to the gym?
Well, this is easy for myhusband because we work out
together a lot.
He likes to take get me up inthe morning to go to the gym.
(09:50):
However, this is in directcontrast to me needing sleep.
So what we've been doingbecause he'll try to get me up
in the morning and I'm like,nope, I need more sleep as we go
on walks at night.
So he makes sure that every dayI get some exercise, whether
it's going to the gym in themorning or getting out for a
walk in the evening.
He always asks me when he getshome from work have you been
(10:10):
able to exercise today?
And I will say yes or no, andthen we he'll either make me go
to the gym with him or we'll goout for a walk or whatever.
So the two things I asked myhusband explicitly for help at
the beginning of the month Iknew I was going to need help
with is sleep and exercise.
And then, you know, eatinghealthy, which I can take care
of, making sure that I'm eatinghealthy foods and stuff like
(10:34):
that Really really, reallyimportant.
So that in and of itself isjust really important.
Now you might be saying toyourself okay, monica, this is
all great, but my husbanddoesn't help, or my spouse
doesn't ask what can I do tohelp?
Here's what you do in that case, because the reality is is your
spouse probably does want tohelp you.
(10:55):
They probably are interested inhelping with when things get
really chaotic and there's lotsgoing on.
But sometimes the way we askisn't beneficial or we tend to
complain like, oh, my spousenever helps around the house,
they never pitch in, they're solazy, they just come home from
work and they sit on the couchfor the rest of the night and
(11:15):
they never help.
And I do everything, right, wecomplain about it and that's
definitely not going to get uswhat we want.
So here are some statements orquestions that you can try to
get your spouse to be morehelpful.
So if I'm busy in the kitchenworking on something and I
noticed that my spouse issitting down or not like
necessarily working on anything.
(11:36):
I'll say hey, love, and you caninsert any phrase, any like
term of endearment, right, likedon't say hey, brah, that's what
my teenagers do, that's nothelpful.
But like honey, love, darling,whatever you call each other
schnookums, I could really usesome help right now.
Would you mind dot dot, dot,holding this bag for me, or
(11:59):
taking the cookies out of theoven or stirring this while I'm
doing that?
Whatever, if you are reallyspecific and you're kind and you
ask for help, most spouses aregoing to stop what they're doing
and want to help you.
And if they can't just like wewere talking about before they
might exercise their boundariesand say I can't do that like we
were talking about before, theymight exercise their boundaries
and say I can't do that rightnow, I'm unavailable, or
(12:22):
something like that.
Now here's the key to that Ifthey do refuse to help you or
they're unable to help you inthat moment, I want you to think
of it as a micro disappointment.
So make sure you're keepingmicro disappointments micro.
So if they say I can't do thatright now or I'm unavailable,
(12:44):
then that's just one instancewhere they weren't able to help
you when you needed it.
Not like they never help, notlike they're incompetent and
lazy and totally unwilling, butif you think of it as just this
in this one time they weren'table to help me with this one
thing.
And then try again and again,and again and keep asking for
(13:05):
the things that you need, butdon't complain and don't
generalize it to yourrelationship, because then
you'll start to resent andyou'll stop asking for help and
you'll just assume that they'renot going to help you.
So that is my little soapbox onasking for help.
(13:26):
It's really, really important.
Now the next thing I do reallywell when things get chaotic is
I make lots of lists and Idelegate.
So part of being able to askfor help is delegating.
So now I told you we're takingnine friends to Lake Powell with
us and what I did was I createda list of all the days that
(13:49):
we're going to be there and allthe meals and snacks that we're
going to need, and I made myselfin charge of dinners and
desserts and then I delegatedout all of the other meals to
the other moms who are sendingtheir kids, and guess what?
They are all happy to help andif, for some reason, one of them
couldn't help, then it's theirresponsibility to say no, I
(14:11):
can't do that, but none of themdid.
They were all very happy topitch in a lunch or a breakfast
for 25 people for us while wewere on the boat.
So I delegated and I made listsand, as they would respond back
to my texts, I wrote it down onmy list and now I have this
beautiful, very organizedchicken scratchy list of all of
(14:36):
the meals, all of the things Ineed to bring, all of the things
that other people are going tobring, the things that we need
to pack and all the things thatwe need.
Like we borrowed some coolersfrom some friends.
That was me asking for help,cause I was like I don't want to
go buy all of these coolersthat we only are going to need
this one time, right?
So I asked for help and peoplewere absolutely, if they didn't
(14:57):
want to lend us their cooler,they could have said no, but
most of them said yes.
So and I've asked for crockpots so that I could crock pot
things early and get them in thefreezer and things like that.
Right?
So I asked for help and Idelegated.
So lists are really, reallyimportant, especially when
things are chaotic, when you'vegot a whole bunch of things
rolling around in your head andyou don't get them down on paper
(15:18):
.
That's trouble, right.
So for me, I make lists andeven if they're messy and
disorganized at the beginning, Iusually can get them organized
and helpful by the end.
All right.
Number four I think we're on tipto stay sane, and all of the
chaos and feel like a team.
When you're doing it is sayingno.
Often I say no a lot probablynot as much as I should, but I
(15:43):
do say no.
So, for example, if my sontexts me from school and says,
mom, can you bring me somethingto eat, I will say no.
Next time or tomorrow, youshould pack your own thing to
eat.
If you don't like what's forlunch, right, I am not going to
stop all the things that I'mdoing, especially if I have
appointments or interviews orthings that I can't not do to
(16:05):
bring you lunch.
You should have thought of thatbeforehand.
Now he's 13.
He doesn't think ahead verywell, but this is an opportunity
for him to learn that if Idon't think ahead and be
responsible for my own food,then I'm going to be hungry or
I'm not going to like what's forlunch or whatever and my mom
might say no.
So it's very important to sayno.
(16:26):
Or there are grad parties andall kinds of other things that
are also happening and I haven'tbeen able to either go or
contribute to them or whatever.
I've had to say no.
I can't do that at this time,which because I am good at
saying no when I can't take onanother thing.
I really appreciate it when Iask for help and other people
(16:50):
are able to say no.
I totally get it Like if youcould help, you would, but I
appreciate you saying no becauseit's too much right.
So that goes.
Asking for help and being ableto say no.
Sometimes they those go hand inhand.
And the number five tip togetting a lot of things done and
(17:10):
maintaining teamwork in thechaos is appreciation and
prioritization.
So I am very appreciative toall the help that I get.
I write thank you noteswhenever I can and I love to
make cookies or something tobring to people who have let me
borrow their crock pot.
Sometimes I bring back theircrock pot full of cookies or
(17:32):
whatever when I have time notall the time, but whenever I
have time to do something likethat I do and then prioritizing
my re myself.
So if I need sleep, I'm goingto sleep.
When I need to go exercise, Igo exercise and I prioritize my
relationship.
So I make sure that I stillmake time for Ben and I to go
(17:53):
for walks Every day.
We go through the things thatwe're working on, the things
that we need help with, everysingle day.
We make a little bit of time toconnect emotionally and talk
about our day.
And then we make sure we go ondate night every single week.
We do something fun.
We just scratch all the thingsthat we have going on and we
(18:14):
just go and do something fun.
And then, at the end of allthis chaos, we make sure that we
have a trip planned.
So those are my three ways tostay emotionally connected.
It's daily connections, weeklydate nights and yearly trips.
So we make sure that, no matterhow chaotic and busy that it
gets, we're prioritizing thosethree things for our
(18:37):
relationship.
All right, so that is five tipsor five ways that I maintain my
sanity and also my strongrelationship and teamwork with
my husband when things get crazychaotic.
So just to review number one, Istart off every morning with a
prayer what is needful today?
(18:57):
Number two I ask for help.
Don't be afraid to ask peopleto help you.
Number three I make lists.
I do brain dumps, I write lists, I organize it as I go, but I
live and die by my lists.
Number four I say no as oftenas I can.
If something is too much, if Ican't do it without being
(19:21):
resentful and frustrated aboutit, I say no.
Being resentful and frustratedabout it, I say no.
And number five appreciationand prioritization.
I make sure I say thank you andI make time for the things that
are most important to me,especially my relationship.
(19:42):
So thank you, guys, so much forspending this time with me.
I hope that you guys have awonderful week and that you keep
prioritizing each other in thechaos, and I will see you next
week, same time, same place.
And until then, happymarriaging.
Hello and welcome to the Secrets of Happily Ever
After podcast.
I'm your host, monica Tanner,and today's episode is a really
good quickie episode because Ihave so much going on right now
and people have been asking me,but also complimenting me, on
the way I'm handling so muchbusyness and change, and so I
(00:23):
wanted to do a quick episodethat would not only give you
some tips and tricks to handlingsome chaos because life can get
chaotic at times, for sure butalso on how to engender more
teamwork, working with yourspouse to get it all done.
So this month has beenextremely busy for our family.
(00:45):
It started off on May 3rd whenmy son got married, so we had a
wedding and I was responsiblefor catering a luncheon for 125
wedding guests not even in myown state, so I had to travel
and we stayed in Airbnb and wehad my son's wedding and I
(01:07):
catered this luncheon, and thatwas also on my 23rd wedding
anniversary, so we alsocelebrated that on the same day.
Then I came home for less thana week and drove my daughter and
her friend right back down toSalt Lake for a volleyball
tournament all that weekend.
(01:27):
Then I came home to my otherdaughter playing in the state
tennis tournament and then I hada whole bunch of family come
into town to watch the statetennis tournament as well as my
daughter graduating.
So she graduated from seminary,which is she did all four years
(01:50):
of a church class in highschool, and then we have the
tennis banquet tonight and thentomorrow she actually graduates
from high school with honors andall kinds of other cool cords
of things that she hasaccomplished this year.
(02:10):
So we're super proud of her andthen my company, that all came
into town for her graduation andfor state leave.
And then we're going on a tripand this is a very fun trip.
We're taking my entire familyof seven now with my
daughter-in-law, as well as ninefriends for my kids, and we're
(02:32):
basically going camping on alake.
So if any of you guys arefamiliar with Lake Powell, you
go on a houseboat and youbasically camp or glamp for a
week.
You have to bring all of yourfood, all of your bedding, we
have to bring boats and lifejackets and gas and all the
things it is a lot to preparefor, and all of this among my
(02:57):
younger kids finishing up schooland sports and all kinds of
other things happening in thebackground.
So, not to mention the factthat I'm still seeing clients,
I'm still recording podcastepisodes, I'm still doing
interviews and I'm finishing upmy book.
So it's a lot.
And so I wanted to jump on andrecord an episode about how I
(03:18):
handle all the chaos withoutabsolutely losing my mind, cause
I have had to, like stop andnot only take the compliments my
friends are giving me, but alsocompliment myself like good job
, monica, you are crushing this.
And so, number one, my numberone tip for handling a ton of
chaos and doing it with mypartner as my teammate and not
(03:42):
my adversary, and not likelosing my mind and getting
grumpy at him for not pullinghis weight and all of the things
.
The first thing I do is, everyday, I wake up and I say a
prayer.
I'm like heavenly father,today's a big day.
Help me to know what is themost important things for me to
accomplish today.
And then I listen for a littlebit.
(04:03):
Have you ever heard the termpray with a pencil?
This is what I do every morning.
I pray with a pencil.
I either do it in my bed andwrite in my little notebook next
to my bed, or I go into myoffice where my agenda and my
to-do list and my calendar andall the things are, and I just
say a little prayer and I'm likeHeavenly Father, things are,
(04:26):
and I just say a little prayerand I'm like heavenly father,
help me be able to sift out thethings that are not essential
and focus on the things thatneed to be done today.
So that is the first thing thatI do to set myself up for
success during the day, whenthere are lots of things going
on.
And the second thing I do is Iask for help.
Now, this is a complicatedthing, especially for women.
(04:47):
I think we struggle asking forhelp, like we don't want to be
vulnerable, we don't want to putother people out, we don't want
to admit that we can't do itall, and I want to say hogwash
to all of that.
It is so important to know whenyou need help.
Not only that, but it allowsother people to serve when they
(05:10):
want to help you.
Other people love helping.
Think about if someone were toask you for some help and it
wasn't outside of your abilities, like it was something that you
could help with.
Doesn't it make you feel sogood to be able to help?
Not only that, but, I thinkanother common roadblock that we
(05:30):
encounter when we go to ask forhelp is we're like oh, but what
if they really can't, or theyreally don't want to and they
can't, they don't like say no tome or whatever, and they feel
uncomfortable about it.
Here is something I want tobring to your attention.
Other people need to be incharge of their own boundaries.
(05:52):
So if you ask for some for helpand somebody agrees to help you
, you can just assume that theyare able and that they want to
help, and if that's not the case, they need to worry about that.
Not you Don't not ask for helpbecause you're trying to protect
somebody else.
(06:13):
You are giving them theopportunity to exercise their
boundaries, like, if they can'tdo it, they should be able to
say no to you.
That's something that theyshould learn, and if they can do
it, then they're probably superexcited and grateful for the
opportunity to help.
So either way, you're givingthem the opportunity to grow, so
(06:34):
you can be happy about that.
So asking for help is soimportant, especially when
you're weighed down.
So I have asked for so much helpthis month.
I had a friend of mine who'sreally good at planting came
over and helped me plant all myflowers, helped me go through my
flower beds and pull out thisold, dead stuff, and she loves
(06:57):
planting and she was so happy tohelp in that way.
I've also asked for loss ofcrock pots.
I've had my sister-in-laws helpme.
They've come over late into thenight and like help me prepare
food.
My husband has been soextremely helpful and right now
this is a cool story.
(07:17):
So my son and his wife are intown.
They've been here for a fewdays and one of my favorite
things is watching when my newdaughter-in-law is busy in the
kitchen.
She'll either be doing thedishes or she was making cookies
to help get ready for this tripthat we're taking and my son
will come up to her in thekitchen, wrap his arms around
(07:40):
her and say how can I help?
I love watching this.
It is so fun, not only becauseI'm getting to see my son just
be an awesome husband, but I waslike where did he learn how to
do that?
And the answer is he learnedfrom watching his dad all these
years, his entire life.
(08:00):
His dad has always my husbandbeen willing to help me.
Now he hasn't always been likewrap his arms around me and ask
how can I help?
I have partially trained him todo that.
Now he is naturally veryhelpful.
His love language is acts ofservice, so he does love to
serve and help.
(08:20):
But nobody can know all the waysin which you need help.
Like he can't read my mind, andso I've had to ask for help in
a lot of different ways, in alot of different circumstances,
so that he knows the exact kindof help that I need.
So, for example, at thebeginning of this month, I knew
(08:42):
that sleep was going to be ofutmost, super uber importance,
because if I don't get enoughsleep and I'm burning it at both
ends, I can tend to get reallyreally anxious.
But as long as I'm sleeping andmy brain is functioning
properly, I do really reallywell.
So I, at the beginning of thismonth, when I knew there was
going to be so much going on, Isaid love, will you help me make
(09:06):
sure that I'm getting enoughsleep?
And he was like yes, sosometimes, when there's things
going on late at night or thekids are still out on the
weekends, or if I'm just likefeeling exhausted, he's like you
go to bed, I will handle thisRight, cause I asked him ahead
of time to help me make sure Iget enough sleep.
Another thing I asked him tohelp me with is getting exercise
(09:28):
, because I know when I get busy, the first thing that I get rid
of is my exercise, and that'sso important for me to stay
mentally clear and physicallyactive right.
And so I said will you help memake sure I get to the gym?
Well, this is easy for myhusband because we work out
together a lot.
He likes to take get me up inthe morning to go to the gym.
(09:50):
However, this is in directcontrast to me needing sleep.
So what we've been doingbecause he'll try to get me up
in the morning and I'm like,nope, I need more sleep as we go
on walks at night.
So he makes sure that every dayI get some exercise, whether
it's going to the gym in themorning or getting out for a
walk in the evening.
He always asks me when he getshome from work have you been
(10:10):
able to exercise today?
And I will say yes or no, andthen we he'll either make me go
to the gym with him or we'll goout for a walk or whatever.
So the two things I asked myhusband explicitly for help at
the beginning of the month Iknew I was going to need help
with is sleep and exercise.
And then, you know, eatinghealthy, which I can take care
of, making sure that I'm eatinghealthy foods and stuff like
(10:34):
that Really really, reallyimportant.
So that in and of itself isjust really important.
Now you might be saying toyourself okay, monica, this is
all great, but my husbanddoesn't help, or my spouse
doesn't ask what can I do tohelp?
Here's what you do in that case, because the reality is is your
spouse probably does want tohelp you.
(10:55):
They probably are interested inhelping with when things get
really chaotic and there's lotsgoing on.
But sometimes the way we askisn't beneficial or we tend to
complain like, oh, my spousenever helps around the house,
they never pitch in, they're solazy, they just come home from
work and they sit on the couchfor the rest of the night and
(11:15):
they never help.
And I do everything, right, wecomplain about it and that's
definitely not going to get uswhat we want.
So here are some statements orquestions that you can try to
get your spouse to be morehelpful.
So if I'm busy in the kitchenworking on something and I
noticed that my spouse issitting down or not like
necessarily working on anything.
(11:36):
I'll say hey, love, and you caninsert any phrase, any like
term of endearment, right, likedon't say hey, brah, that's what
my teenagers do, that's nothelpful.
But like honey, love, darling,whatever you call each other
schnookums, I could really usesome help right now.
Would you mind dot dot, dot,holding this bag for me, or
(11:59):
taking the cookies out of theoven or stirring this while I'm
doing that?
Whatever, if you are reallyspecific and you're kind and you
ask for help, most spouses aregoing to stop what they're doing
and want to help you.
And if they can't just like wewere talking about before they
might exercise their boundariesand say I can't do that like we
were talking about before, theymight exercise their boundaries
and say I can't do that rightnow, I'm unavailable, or
(12:22):
something like that.
Now here's the key to that Ifthey do refuse to help you or
they're unable to help you inthat moment, I want you to think
of it as a micro disappointment.
So make sure you're keepingmicro disappointments micro.
So if they say I can't do thatright now or I'm unavailable,
(12:44):
then that's just one instancewhere they weren't able to help
you when you needed it.
Not like they never help, notlike they're incompetent and
lazy and totally unwilling, butif you think of it as just this
in this one time they weren'table to help me with this one
thing.
And then try again and again,and again and keep asking for
(13:05):
the things that you need, butdon't complain and don't
generalize it to yourrelationship, because then
you'll start to resent andyou'll stop asking for help and
you'll just assume that they'renot going to help you.
So that is my little soapbox onasking for help.
(13:26):
It's really, really important.
Now the next thing I do reallywell when things get chaotic is
I make lots of lists and Idelegate.
So part of being able to askfor help is delegating.
So now I told you we're takingnine friends to Lake Powell with
us and what I did was I createda list of all the days that
(13:49):
we're going to be there and allthe meals and snacks that we're
going to need, and I made myselfin charge of dinners and
desserts and then I delegatedout all of the other meals to
the other moms who are sendingtheir kids, and guess what?
They are all happy to help andif, for some reason, one of them
couldn't help, then it's theirresponsibility to say no, I
(14:11):
can't do that, but none of themdid.
They were all very happy topitch in a lunch or a breakfast
for 25 people for us while wewere on the boat.
So I delegated and I made listsand, as they would respond back
to my texts, I wrote it down onmy list and now I have this
beautiful, very organizedchicken scratchy list of all of
(14:36):
the meals, all of the things Ineed to bring, all of the things
that other people are going tobring, the things that we need
to pack and all the things thatwe need.
Like we borrowed some coolersfrom some friends.
That was me asking for help,cause I was like I don't want to
go buy all of these coolersthat we only are going to need
this one time, right?
So I asked for help and peoplewere absolutely, if they didn't
(14:57):
want to lend us their cooler,they could have said no, but
most of them said yes.
So and I've asked for crockpots so that I could crock pot
things early and get them in thefreezer and things like that.
Right?
So I asked for help and Idelegated.
So lists are really, reallyimportant, especially when
things are chaotic, when you'vegot a whole bunch of things
rolling around in your head andyou don't get them down on paper
(15:18):
.
That's trouble, right.
So for me, I make lists andeven if they're messy and
disorganized at the beginning, Iusually can get them organized
and helpful by the end.
All right.
Number four I think we're on tipto stay sane, and all of the
chaos and feel like a team.
When you're doing it is sayingno.
Often I say no a lot probablynot as much as I should, but I
(15:43):
do say no.
So, for example, if my sontexts me from school and says,
mom, can you bring me somethingto eat, I will say no.
Next time or tomorrow, youshould pack your own thing to
eat.
If you don't like what's forlunch, right, I am not going to
stop all the things that I'mdoing, especially if I have
appointments or interviews orthings that I can't not do to
(16:05):
bring you lunch.
You should have thought of thatbeforehand.
Now he's 13.
He doesn't think ahead verywell, but this is an opportunity
for him to learn that if Idon't think ahead and be
responsible for my own food,then I'm going to be hungry or
I'm not going to like what's forlunch or whatever and my mom
might say no.
So it's very important to sayno.
(16:26):
Or there are grad parties andall kinds of other things that
are also happening and I haven'tbeen able to either go or
contribute to them or whatever.
I've had to say no.
I can't do that at this time,which because I am good at
saying no when I can't take onanother thing.
I really appreciate it when Iask for help and other people
(16:50):
are able to say no.
I totally get it Like if youcould help, you would, but I
appreciate you saying no becauseit's too much right.
So that goes.
Asking for help and being ableto say no.
Sometimes they those go hand inhand.
And the number five tip togetting a lot of things done and
(17:10):
maintaining teamwork in thechaos is appreciation and
prioritization.
So I am very appreciative toall the help that I get.
I write thank you noteswhenever I can and I love to
make cookies or something tobring to people who have let me
borrow their crock pot.
Sometimes I bring back theircrock pot full of cookies or
(17:32):
whatever when I have time notall the time, but whenever I
have time to do something likethat I do and then prioritizing
my re myself.
So if I need sleep, I'm goingto sleep.
When I need to go exercise, Igo exercise and I prioritize my
relationship.
So I make sure that I stillmake time for Ben and I to go
(17:53):
for walks Every day.
We go through the things thatwe're working on, the things
that we need help with, everysingle day.
We make a little bit of time toconnect emotionally and talk
about our day.
And then we make sure we go ondate night every single week.
We do something fun.
We just scratch all the thingsthat we have going on and we
(18:14):
just go and do something fun.
And then, at the end of allthis chaos, we make sure that we
have a trip planned.
So those are my three ways tostay emotionally connected.
It's daily connections, weeklydate nights and yearly trips.
So we make sure that, no matterhow chaotic and busy that it
gets, we're prioritizing thosethree things for our
(18:37):
relationship.
All right, so that is five tipsor five ways that I maintain my
sanity and also my strongrelationship and teamwork with
my husband when things get crazychaotic.
So just to review number one, Istart off every morning with a
prayer what is needful today?
(18:57):
Number two I ask for help.
Don't be afraid to ask peopleto help you.
Number three I make lists.
I do brain dumps, I write lists, I organize it as I go, but I
live and die by my lists.
Number four I say no as oftenas I can.
If something is too much, if Ican't do it without being
(19:21):
resentful and frustrated aboutit, I say no.
Being resentful and frustratedabout it, I say no.
And number five appreciationand prioritization.
I make sure I say thank you andI make time for the things that
are most important to me,especially my relationship.
(19:42):
So thank you, guys, so much forspending this time with me.
I hope that you guys have awonderful week and that you keep
prioritizing each other in thechaos, and I will see you next
week, same time, same place.
And until then, happymarriaging.
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