October 7, 2025 • 18 mins
What if the fastest way to a stronger marriage isn’t compromise, but better teamwork? After celebrating a number-one Amazon launch, I took a hard look at what actually helped us get there—clear roles, honest communication, and a shared commitment to play the same game on the same side. The result is a practical, story-rich guide to treating marriage like the ultimate team sport, with four moves you can use tonight.
I start by reframing “opposites” as assets: the planner and the risk-taker, the night owl and the early bird, the introvert and the extrovert. Instead of fighting to be the same, I show how to deploy differences like positions on the field so your team covers more ground with less friction.
Then I talk about offense and defence, who pushes the ball forward in finances, fun, and intimacy, and who protects the goal with boundaries, savings, and rest, so you can balance initiative with stability without making it personal.
From there, I dig into communication that actually works: daily 20-minute huddles to align priorities, weekly date nights for team bonding, and a yearly strategy getaway to recalibrate goals. I dismantle the mind-reading myth with real scripts for clear asks, and break down why keeping score breeds rivalry while an us-vs-problem mindset restores momentum. You’ll hear candid examples, from celebrating wins to handling those “seams” where balls drop and leave with a simple weekly challenge to spot, name, and thank each other’s strengths.
If you’re ready to stop arguing about who’s right and start winning together, this episode gives you the plays, the language, and the mindset to build a championship marriage.
Bad Marriage Advice is now an Amazon #1 Best Seller. If you haven’t gotten your copy yet, go get your copy here: https://a.co/d/4XaHmA5.
And if you’ve gotten your copy and had a chance to look through it, do me a huge solid and go back to Amazon and leave a review here: https://www.amazon.com/review/create-review/?&asin=B0FQ46HG3S.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
Hello and welcome to the Secrets of Happily Ever
(00:02):
After podcast.
I'm your host, Monica Tanner,and I'm super excited about our
topic today because for the lastprobably few months, I've been
talking about my new book, BadMarriage Advice: Debugging Myths
That Will Make You Miserable andWhat to Do Instead.
And this past week, weofficially hit number one on the
(00:22):
Amazon bestseller list.
So thank you from the bottom ofmy heart to everyone who
supported that, who bought thebook, shared about the book, got
excited about the launch.
But I was thinking about thewhole process of launching this
book and the events thatsurrounded it in my family, my
kids, sports, and all of thethings that were going on.
(00:44):
And I felt really, reallygrateful, not only for all of
you, but also for my teammate,my partner, my spouse, and all
of his support and love andbeing able to accomplish so much
together.
And so I wanted to do an episodeabout teamwork because if you
(01:08):
know anything about me, you knowthat I am a product of team
sports.
My husband and I both playedsoccer in high school.
My husband went on to play incollege and I loved watching
him.
And we have four children andthey all play team sports.
My two oldest played tennis, butthey played doubles, so they
(01:30):
played as a team.
And then I have a volleyballplayer and a football player
right now who are in season.
And so my husband and I spend aton of time watching or
coaching.
My husband coaches the highschool soccer team.
And I believe with all of myheart that so much of what I've
learned about marriage andrelationships and life in
(01:54):
general has come from not onlymy own experience in sports, but
I also learned so much fromwatching my kids and their
friends play these team sports.
I get to cheer as my kids growthrough teamwork discipline
grit.
And so even though I'm a littlebit old to be playing the sports
(02:17):
that I love, I learn so mucheven just by watching from the
sidelines.
Because here's the thingmarriage is the ultimate team
sport.
But here's where a lot ofcouples get stuck.
They forget that they're on thesame team.
And so they start treating eachother like opponents instead of
(02:38):
teammates.
And that's where they run intotrouble.
So today I wanted to do anepisode in attempts to point out
a few areas in which marriage isa team sport, but couples often
get stuck.
So today I'm gonna give you fourkey ways in which marriage is a
great team sport and howlearning how to play your
(03:01):
positions, communicate likepros, and appreciate your
differences can completelychange the game that you're
playing.
So if you're ready, I'm ready.
This is one of my favoritetopics.
Here we go.
Number one, the first lessonfrom team sports that applies to
marriage is to appreciate yourdifferences as strengths.
(03:25):
So you know how every great teamhas players with totally
different strengths.
Like there's if you're talkingabout soccer, you've got a star
forward who scores the goals andthe defender or the goalie who
blocks them.
And you also have a coach thatsees the whole field.
Each of these positionsdifferences are crucial to the
(03:49):
game.
No one expects all of them to dothe same thing.
That would be a disaster.
But in marriage, we often forgetthat.
We start having thoughts like,why can't they be more like me?
Why can't we get on the samepage about this?
Why can't they just agree withme, right?
Why can't they be tighter?
(04:10):
Why can't they wake up earlier?
Why can't they want to go outmore?
I've had so many clients talkabout how they feel opposite
from their partner, like they'reincompatible and they're never
gonna be able to agree onanything.
And here's the thing (04:26):
it's not necessarily that you married
your opposite, although they dotalk about how opposites
attract.
Perhaps you were attracted tosomething in your partner that
you either lack or look up to.
And that's why your partner isthe perfect teammate for you.
(04:47):
So a lot of these differences,like having one partner that's
super organized and the otherone that's spontaneous, or one
that's a night owl and onethat's a morning person, or
introvert extrovert, these aretraits that are not necessarily
ever going to be worked out.
They're key differences, but forgood reason.
(05:10):
Your differences aren't theproblem because no matter who
you marry, even if you marriedyour biological twin, which I'm
just saying, same genetics,raised in the same family,
they're still going to see theworld differently because
they've experienced itdifferently.
So there's no chance you'regonna marry someone exactly like
(05:32):
you, and for good reason.
Those differences are actually ahuge strength.
And when you start to see itthat way, everything changes.
So think about your favoritesport.
If everyone tried to be theforward, there wouldn't be
anyone to defend the goal.
But if everyone tried to playdefense, then you'd never score.
(05:57):
So instead of thinking, whycan't my partner be more like
me, think more like me, or agreewith me more, try thinking, what
strength does my partner bringto this team that I'm missing?
That's when frustration turns toappreciation.
I remember when we were firstmarried.
(06:17):
I like to stay up late.
I feel like at some point in thenighttime, my brain clicks on
and I can get a lot done.
My husband, on the other hand,is an early to bed, early to
rise.
In the beginning, that felt likea huge problem for me because I
wanted to be on the sameschedule as him.
But as we started having kidsand as they started growing
(06:40):
older, I realized it was such astrength for our team because I
could stay up late and help mykids with projects or wait for
the teenagers to come home.
And my husband could get upearly and help them get ready
for school.
There's tons of examples likethis where I could either be
frustrated because of ourdifferences or appreciate the
(07:03):
strength that these differencesbring to our team.
So that's number one.
Your differences are yourstrengths.
Number two, understand thedifference between offense and
defense.
So taking this idea of differentroles a step further in sports,
offense is about pushingforward, taking risks, making
(07:25):
plays, scoring points.
Whereas defense is more aboutprotecting the goal, watching
for threats, anticipating, andstabilizing the game.
A winning team needs a greatoffense and a great defense, no
matter what sport you're talkingabout.
So maybe one of you is more ofthe offensive player, and one of
(07:48):
you is more of the defensiveplayer.
Now, this can change accordingto what you're talking about.
For example, in my marriage,when it comes to finances, I'm
definitely offense.
I'm the one who wants to buy thething, go on the trip, have the
adventure.
(08:09):
My husband, on the other hand,is defense.
He thinks about budgeting,retirement, and saving for
emergencies.
Now I used to take this sopersonally.
I used to get so frustratedbecause I thought he was trying
to snuff all of the fun out ofeverything.
But when I really started tothink about it, how grateful I
(08:32):
am that it takes both positions,both roles to create the life
that we really want.
Without the offense, we'd neverdo anything fun.
Without the defense, we wouldn'tbe able to save for retirement
or make our dreams a reality.
So both are equally important.
(08:53):
There's no right or wrong.
It's just learning to balanceand negotiate and work together.
The same goes for intimacy.
Our roles are reversed there.
He's more of the offense and I'ma little more on the defense.
But again, there's no right orwrong.
Both are equally important.
The reality is that sexualintimacy is so important.
(09:16):
You've got to score goals inorder to win.
So you want someone who'sscoring and someone who's
defending.
Otherwise, not a lot else wouldget done.
That's one of my husband and I'sfavorite jokes.
We recognize that our differentroles complement each other.
And so we stop competing againsteach other and we've started
(09:37):
collaborating.
Now I talk a lot aboutcollaboration in other episodes,
so I'm not gonna go into it inthis one, but just know that
when the offense and the defensecollaborate, you get a really
strong winning team.
But in order for collaborationto work, you've got to have the
(09:58):
third crucial ingredient for ateam sport, which is
communication.
So number three, communicatelike teammates.
The reality is no team will everwin without really good
communication.
Now, my two favorite sportsright now are football, which my
son is playing, and volleyball,which my daughter is playing.
(10:20):
Can you imagine if thequarterback didn't call a play?
You would have no idea whetherhe's gonna throw the ball or
hand off the ball, whetheryou're running a passing play or
a running play.
That would be total chaos.
So communicating, calling aplay, huddling up becomes really
(10:42):
important.
The same goes for volleyball.
If you've ever watchedvolleyball, you'll see that they
huddle before and after everysingle point.
Why do they do this?
It's all about communicating,making adjustments, supporting
each other.
Every good team communicates andhuddles.
(11:02):
So in volleyball, my daughterplays libero, which is a
complete defensive position.
She knows her role, she playsdefense.
She rarely, if ever, tries tokill it, which is an offensive
play.
So in her role as defender, herjob is to make sure the ball
(11:22):
doesn't drop.
Now, when she's on the court,there's other defenders.
So in between her and the otherdefenders is what they call a
seam.
Now, any good opponent knowsthat the best place to put a
ball is in the seam.
Why?
Because in order to get thoseballs that are in the seam, the
defenders have to communicatewith each other.
(11:45):
Otherwise, they would crash intoeach other or the ball would
drop.
Now, if you watched a lot ofvolleyball, you know that
sometimes the ball does dropinto a hole or into the seam.
And guess what that team does?
They huddle up, theyre-evaluate, and they make sure
that the next ball doesn't drop.
So huddling up in order tocommunicate is one of the most
(12:08):
important things you can do inyour marriage.
In fact, I talk about dailyhuddles or daily connections.
I recommend that couples huddleup 20 minutes every single day.
Here's where you're gonnareconnect, figure out what's
working well, what do you needto adjust, and how can you have
each other's back?
(12:29):
I also recommend you huddle uponce a week in the form of a
date night.
This is team bonding.
And then once a year for a week,you're going to huddle up in the
form of a romantic getaway.
Now, this is not only teambonding, but a strategy session.
How are we doing towards ourgoal?
What's working for us and what'snot?
(12:49):
How do we create more synergy inour team?
And how can we communicate witheach other better?
It's simple but powerful becausejust like in team sports,
communication keeps your teamtogether.
A really good example of whenteams don't communicate.
(13:10):
I wrote a whole chapter in mybook about communication
breakdown, which is the idea orthe myth that if my partner
loved me, they would just know.
I see this happen far too oftenin relationships where teammates
don't communicate and then theypunish each other for not
knowing the play.
(13:31):
A good example is just this pastweek when my book hit number one
and I was so excited tocelebrate.
I didn't make my husband guesswhat I wanted to do to
celebrate.
I told him exactly what I wantedto do, what restaurant I wanted
to eat at, and who I wanted toinvite.
And because I communicated thatso clearly, we were able to
(13:53):
enjoy in exactly the way that Ienvisioned it.
So communication is key.
And last but not least, numberfour, play to win together, not
against each other.
Okay, this is a big one becausetoo many couples, after being
together for any period of time,they start playing against each
(14:16):
other instead of with eachother.
They start keeping score andresentment starts to build.
It looks a little bit like I didthe dishes all week.
What did you do?
I'm the one who always plannedstate nights.
I put the kids to bed lastnight.
I said story last time.
You picked the restaurant lastweek.
(14:37):
There are all kinds of ways tokeep score and create
resentment.
And that is not going to giveyou the winning playbook.
It's not teamwork.
That's called rivalry.
So in marriage, we have toremember that it's not me versus
you.
It's not offense againstdefense.
(14:58):
It's literally us versuseverything else.
So in a good, healthy, thriving,teamwork style marriage, you're
on a team and literallyeverything and everyone else is
your opponent.
Every decision you have to make,every problem you're trying to
(15:18):
solve, and every other person,including your coworkers, your
in-laws, and even your childrenare your opponents.
Now, a very popular scenario Isee is children are really good
at recognizing the seams that Italked about on the volleyball
court.
They love to put the ball rightin the seam.
(15:41):
And if you're not communicatingwell and you're not playing as a
team, your kids are gonna scorethat point every single time.
You have to communicate, youhave to work as a team, and you
have to see everything andeveryone else as your opponent.
Can you imagine if you werewatching a game on TV and all of
a sudden the offense turnedagainst the defense and they
(16:04):
started fighting about who wasright or who was playing better?
That team certainly would notwin.
And I'm sure that happens moreoften than not.
But if you want a winning team,you have to be willing to play
together to win.
When you stop trying to be rightand start trying to be effective
as a team, that's wheneverything changes.
Because here's the truth (16:25):
if one of you wins, you both win.
When one of you struggles, youboth struggle.
So stop keeping score and startcheering for your teammate.
That's how you build achampionship marriage.
So let's recap.
Number one, appreciate yourdifferences.
They make your marriagestronger.
(16:46):
You're not trying to be the sameor agree on everything.
Use those differences as yourgreatest strength.
Number two, understand yourroles.
In order to win, you have tohave a strong offense and a
strong defense.
Once you recognize that, you canstart to appreciate each other
(17:08):
more.
Number three, communicate.
Without communication, you'renot going to get very far.
And fourth, play to wintogether.
Remember, you're not opponents,you're teammates.
And when you build a strong,thriving, intimate, passionate
team, and you recognize thateverything and everyone else is
(17:32):
your opponent, you start to wintogether.
So this week, I want tochallenge you to notice one way
your spouse plays the gamedifferently.
Appreciate those differences.
Appreciate their role.
Huddle up often and thank themfor how they help your team.
Because when you both show upfor the same goal, that's when
(17:56):
your marriage starts to feellike happily ever after.
Not because it's perfect and notbecause you're not playing
difficult opponents, but becauseyou're playing on the same team.
Thank you so much for listeningtoday.
Thank you so much for all ofyour support around the launch
of bad marriage advice.
If you haven't gotten your copyyet, go get your copy.
(18:19):
It's the perfect thing to haveon hand for newlyweds,
anniversaries, or just becausefor your favorite couple.
And if you've gotten your copyand had a chance to look through
it, do me a huge solid and goback to Amazon and leave a
review.
That's how other people aregoing to find this book.
(18:40):
And we're going to create amovement that's gonna snuff out
those outdated cliches and givepeople the real tools they need
to succeed at marriage.
And make sure you join me sametime, same place next week.
And until then, happymarriaging.
Hello and welcome to the Secrets of Happily Ever
(00:02):
After podcast.
I'm your host, Monica Tanner,and I'm super excited about our
topic today because for the lastprobably few months, I've been
talking about my new book, BadMarriage Advice: Debugging Myths
That Will Make You Miserable andWhat to Do Instead.
And this past week, weofficially hit number one on the
(00:22):
Amazon bestseller list.
So thank you from the bottom ofmy heart to everyone who
supported that, who bought thebook, shared about the book, got
excited about the launch.
But I was thinking about thewhole process of launching this
book and the events thatsurrounded it in my family, my
kids, sports, and all of thethings that were going on.
(00:44):
And I felt really, reallygrateful, not only for all of
you, but also for my teammate,my partner, my spouse, and all
of his support and love andbeing able to accomplish so much
together.
And so I wanted to do an episodeabout teamwork because if you
(01:08):
know anything about me, you knowthat I am a product of team
sports.
My husband and I both playedsoccer in high school.
My husband went on to play incollege and I loved watching
him.
And we have four children andthey all play team sports.
My two oldest played tennis, butthey played doubles, so they
(01:30):
played as a team.
And then I have a volleyballplayer and a football player
right now who are in season.
And so my husband and I spend aton of time watching or
coaching.
My husband coaches the highschool soccer team.
And I believe with all of myheart that so much of what I've
learned about marriage andrelationships and life in
(01:54):
general has come from not onlymy own experience in sports, but
I also learned so much fromwatching my kids and their
friends play these team sports.
I get to cheer as my kids growthrough teamwork discipline
grit.
And so even though I'm a littlebit old to be playing the sports
(02:17):
that I love, I learn so mucheven just by watching from the
sidelines.
Because here's the thingmarriage is the ultimate team
sport.
But here's where a lot ofcouples get stuck.
They forget that they're on thesame team.
And so they start treating eachother like opponents instead of
(02:38):
teammates.
And that's where they run intotrouble.
So today I wanted to do anepisode in attempts to point out
a few areas in which marriage isa team sport, but couples often
get stuck.
So today I'm gonna give you fourkey ways in which marriage is a
great team sport and howlearning how to play your
(03:01):
positions, communicate likepros, and appreciate your
differences can completelychange the game that you're
playing.
So if you're ready, I'm ready.
This is one of my favoritetopics.
Here we go.
Number one, the first lessonfrom team sports that applies to
marriage is to appreciate yourdifferences as strengths.
(03:25):
So you know how every great teamhas players with totally
different strengths.
Like there's if you're talkingabout soccer, you've got a star
forward who scores the goals andthe defender or the goalie who
blocks them.
And you also have a coach thatsees the whole field.
Each of these positionsdifferences are crucial to the
(03:49):
game.
No one expects all of them to dothe same thing.
That would be a disaster.
But in marriage, we often forgetthat.
We start having thoughts like,why can't they be more like me?
Why can't we get on the samepage about this?
Why can't they just agree withme, right?
Why can't they be tighter?
(04:10):
Why can't they wake up earlier?
Why can't they want to go outmore?
I've had so many clients talkabout how they feel opposite
from their partner, like they'reincompatible and they're never
gonna be able to agree onanything.
And here's the thing (04:26):
it's not necessarily that you married
your opposite, although they dotalk about how opposites
attract.
Perhaps you were attracted tosomething in your partner that
you either lack or look up to.
And that's why your partner isthe perfect teammate for you.
(04:47):
So a lot of these differences,like having one partner that's
super organized and the otherone that's spontaneous, or one
that's a night owl and onethat's a morning person, or
introvert extrovert, these aretraits that are not necessarily
ever going to be worked out.
They're key differences, but forgood reason.
(05:10):
Your differences aren't theproblem because no matter who
you marry, even if you marriedyour biological twin, which I'm
just saying, same genetics,raised in the same family,
they're still going to see theworld differently because
they've experienced itdifferently.
So there's no chance you'regonna marry someone exactly like
(05:32):
you, and for good reason.
Those differences are actually ahuge strength.
And when you start to see itthat way, everything changes.
So think about your favoritesport.
If everyone tried to be theforward, there wouldn't be
anyone to defend the goal.
But if everyone tried to playdefense, then you'd never score.
(05:57):
So instead of thinking, whycan't my partner be more like
me, think more like me, or agreewith me more, try thinking, what
strength does my partner bringto this team that I'm missing?
That's when frustration turns toappreciation.
I remember when we were firstmarried.
(06:17):
I like to stay up late.
I feel like at some point in thenighttime, my brain clicks on
and I can get a lot done.
My husband, on the other hand,is an early to bed, early to
rise.
In the beginning, that felt likea huge problem for me because I
wanted to be on the sameschedule as him.
But as we started having kidsand as they started growing
(06:40):
older, I realized it was such astrength for our team because I
could stay up late and help mykids with projects or wait for
the teenagers to come home.
And my husband could get upearly and help them get ready
for school.
There's tons of examples likethis where I could either be
frustrated because of ourdifferences or appreciate the
(07:03):
strength that these differencesbring to our team.
So that's number one.
Your differences are yourstrengths.
Number two, understand thedifference between offense and
defense.
So taking this idea of differentroles a step further in sports,
offense is about pushingforward, taking risks, making
(07:25):
plays, scoring points.
Whereas defense is more aboutprotecting the goal, watching
for threats, anticipating, andstabilizing the game.
A winning team needs a greatoffense and a great defense, no
matter what sport you're talkingabout.
So maybe one of you is more ofthe offensive player, and one of
(07:48):
you is more of the defensiveplayer.
Now, this can change accordingto what you're talking about.
For example, in my marriage,when it comes to finances, I'm
definitely offense.
I'm the one who wants to buy thething, go on the trip, have the
adventure.
(08:09):
My husband, on the other hand,is defense.
He thinks about budgeting,retirement, and saving for
emergencies.
Now I used to take this sopersonally.
I used to get so frustratedbecause I thought he was trying
to snuff all of the fun out ofeverything.
But when I really started tothink about it, how grateful I
(08:32):
am that it takes both positions,both roles to create the life
that we really want.
Without the offense, we'd neverdo anything fun.
Without the defense, we wouldn'tbe able to save for retirement
or make our dreams a reality.
So both are equally important.
(08:53):
There's no right or wrong.
It's just learning to balanceand negotiate and work together.
The same goes for intimacy.
Our roles are reversed there.
He's more of the offense and I'ma little more on the defense.
But again, there's no right orwrong.
Both are equally important.
The reality is that sexualintimacy is so important.
(09:16):
You've got to score goals inorder to win.
So you want someone who'sscoring and someone who's
defending.
Otherwise, not a lot else wouldget done.
That's one of my husband and I'sfavorite jokes.
We recognize that our differentroles complement each other.
And so we stop competing againsteach other and we've started
(09:37):
collaborating.
Now I talk a lot aboutcollaboration in other episodes,
so I'm not gonna go into it inthis one, but just know that
when the offense and the defensecollaborate, you get a really
strong winning team.
But in order for collaborationto work, you've got to have the
(09:58):
third crucial ingredient for ateam sport, which is
communication.
So number three, communicatelike teammates.
The reality is no team will everwin without really good
communication.
Now, my two favorite sportsright now are football, which my
son is playing, and volleyball,which my daughter is playing.
(10:20):
Can you imagine if thequarterback didn't call a play?
You would have no idea whetherhe's gonna throw the ball or
hand off the ball, whetheryou're running a passing play or
a running play.
That would be total chaos.
So communicating, calling aplay, huddling up becomes really
(10:42):
important.
The same goes for volleyball.
If you've ever watchedvolleyball, you'll see that they
huddle before and after everysingle point.
Why do they do this?
It's all about communicating,making adjustments, supporting
each other.
Every good team communicates andhuddles.
(11:02):
So in volleyball, my daughterplays libero, which is a
complete defensive position.
She knows her role, she playsdefense.
She rarely, if ever, tries tokill it, which is an offensive
play.
So in her role as defender, herjob is to make sure the ball
(11:22):
doesn't drop.
Now, when she's on the court,there's other defenders.
So in between her and the otherdefenders is what they call a
seam.
Now, any good opponent knowsthat the best place to put a
ball is in the seam.
Why?
Because in order to get thoseballs that are in the seam, the
defenders have to communicatewith each other.
(11:45):
Otherwise, they would crash intoeach other or the ball would
drop.
Now, if you watched a lot ofvolleyball, you know that
sometimes the ball does dropinto a hole or into the seam.
And guess what that team does?
They huddle up, theyre-evaluate, and they make sure
that the next ball doesn't drop.
So huddling up in order tocommunicate is one of the most
(12:08):
important things you can do inyour marriage.
In fact, I talk about dailyhuddles or daily connections.
I recommend that couples huddleup 20 minutes every single day.
Here's where you're gonnareconnect, figure out what's
working well, what do you needto adjust, and how can you have
each other's back?
(12:29):
I also recommend you huddle uponce a week in the form of a
date night.
This is team bonding.
And then once a year for a week,you're going to huddle up in the
form of a romantic getaway.
Now, this is not only teambonding, but a strategy session.
How are we doing towards ourgoal?
What's working for us and what'snot?
(12:49):
How do we create more synergy inour team?
And how can we communicate witheach other better?
It's simple but powerful becausejust like in team sports,
communication keeps your teamtogether.
A really good example of whenteams don't communicate.
(13:10):
I wrote a whole chapter in mybook about communication
breakdown, which is the idea orthe myth that if my partner
loved me, they would just know.
I see this happen far too oftenin relationships where teammates
don't communicate and then theypunish each other for not
knowing the play.
(13:31):
A good example is just this pastweek when my book hit number one
and I was so excited tocelebrate.
I didn't make my husband guesswhat I wanted to do to
celebrate.
I told him exactly what I wantedto do, what restaurant I wanted
to eat at, and who I wanted toinvite.
And because I communicated thatso clearly, we were able to
(13:53):
enjoy in exactly the way that Ienvisioned it.
So communication is key.
And last but not least, numberfour, play to win together, not
against each other.
Okay, this is a big one becausetoo many couples, after being
together for any period of time,they start playing against each
(14:16):
other instead of with eachother.
They start keeping score andresentment starts to build.
It looks a little bit like I didthe dishes all week.
What did you do?
I'm the one who always plannedstate nights.
I put the kids to bed lastnight.
I said story last time.
You picked the restaurant lastweek.
(14:37):
There are all kinds of ways tokeep score and create
resentment.
And that is not going to giveyou the winning playbook.
It's not teamwork.
That's called rivalry.
So in marriage, we have toremember that it's not me versus
you.
It's not offense againstdefense.
(14:58):
It's literally us versuseverything else.
So in a good, healthy, thriving,teamwork style marriage, you're
on a team and literallyeverything and everyone else is
your opponent.
Every decision you have to make,every problem you're trying to
(15:18):
solve, and every other person,including your coworkers, your
in-laws, and even your childrenare your opponents.
Now, a very popular scenario Isee is children are really good
at recognizing the seams that Italked about on the volleyball
court.
They love to put the ball rightin the seam.
(15:41):
And if you're not communicatingwell and you're not playing as a
team, your kids are gonna scorethat point every single time.
You have to communicate, youhave to work as a team, and you
have to see everything andeveryone else as your opponent.
Can you imagine if you werewatching a game on TV and all of
a sudden the offense turnedagainst the defense and they
(16:04):
started fighting about who wasright or who was playing better?
That team certainly would notwin.
And I'm sure that happens moreoften than not.
But if you want a winning team,you have to be willing to play
together to win.
When you stop trying to be rightand start trying to be effective
as a team, that's wheneverything changes.
Because here's the truth (16:25):
if one of you wins, you both win.
When one of you struggles, youboth struggle.
So stop keeping score and startcheering for your teammate.
That's how you build achampionship marriage.
So let's recap.
Number one, appreciate yourdifferences.
They make your marriagestronger.
(16:46):
You're not trying to be the sameor agree on everything.
Use those differences as yourgreatest strength.
Number two, understand yourroles.
In order to win, you have tohave a strong offense and a
strong defense.
Once you recognize that, you canstart to appreciate each other
(17:08):
more.
Number three, communicate.
Without communication, you'renot going to get very far.
And fourth, play to wintogether.
Remember, you're not opponents,you're teammates.
And when you build a strong,thriving, intimate, passionate
team, and you recognize thateverything and everyone else is
(17:32):
your opponent, you start to wintogether.
So this week, I want tochallenge you to notice one way
your spouse plays the gamedifferently.
Appreciate those differences.
Appreciate their role.
Huddle up often and thank themfor how they help your team.
Because when you both show upfor the same goal, that's when
(17:56):
your marriage starts to feellike happily ever after.
Not because it's perfect and notbecause you're not playing
difficult opponents, but becauseyou're playing on the same team.
Thank you so much for listeningtoday.
Thank you so much for all ofyour support around the launch
of bad marriage advice.
If you haven't gotten your copyyet, go get your copy.
(18:19):
It's the perfect thing to haveon hand for newlyweds,
anniversaries, or just becausefor your favorite couple.
And if you've gotten your copyand had a chance to look through
it, do me a huge solid and goback to Amazon and leave a
review.
That's how other people aregoing to find this book.
(18:40):
And we're going to create amovement that's gonna snuff out
those outdated cliches and givepeople the real tools they need
to succeed at marriage.
And make sure you join me sametime, same place next week.
And until then, happymarriaging.
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