June 3, 2025 • 22 mins
After an incredibly busy May filled with family celebrations including our 23rd wedding anniversary, my son's wedding, my daughter's high school graduation, and a week-long houseboat trip to Lake Powell, I'm reflecting on valuable relationship lessons that emerged during this special time.
• Shared a powerful relationship skill called the "I notice" technique that creates open communication without triggering defensiveness
• Explained how to properly use this approach by describing only what a security camera would see, not interpretations or judgments
• Reflected on early marriage challenges and how different schedules and communication styles created difficulties
• Advocated for premarital or newlywed counseling even when relationships seem perfect
• Discussed the benefits of establishing a relationship with a therapist before problems arise
• Offered insight into how Relational Life Therapy helps identify relationship patterns and triggering mechanisms
• Emphasized the importance of learning repair techniques and effective communication skills early
For a limited time, I'm offering engaged and newlywed couples a special package of three coaching sessions for the price of one. This can be purchased as a gift for couples you know or for your own relationship. Visit monicatanner.com and click on "work with me" to schedule a consultation, or email moni@monicatanner.com for more information.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 0 (00:00):
Hello and welcome to the Secrets of Happily Ever
After podcast.
I'm your host, monica Tanner,and today's episode is going to
be a quickie, super fun, kind oftying up a really really busy
month.
So if you've been followingalong, you know that May we
lovingly refer to as Maycember,but for our family in particular
(00:23):
, this year has been reallyexciting, with lots of fun
events and changes.
For our family it started offon May 3rd, which is me and my
husband's 23rd weddinganniversary, and also my oldest
son married his beautiful brideon that afternoon.
(00:46):
So May 3rd was my son's weddingand also my anniversary.
So that's super fun that we getto share an anniversary.
And he got married in adifferent state and I was in
charge of the luncheon, so wehad rented an Airbnb.
It was super fun because hespent his last night being
single with our family.
(01:07):
It was kind of the last nightthat our nuclear family got to
spend together in a littleAirbnb and we got to laugh and
give advice and I was cookingand we just got to spend that
last little bit of time with himalone as our son.
And now I have adaughter-in-law.
So the wedding was amazing.
(01:29):
It was so fun.
We did it in her hometown andshe had lots of support from
family and friends and it wasjust all around so nice.
So that is how the monthstarted off.
And then we drove home for mydaughter to play in tennis
districts and then I drove backdown to Utah with my younger
(01:51):
daughter for a volleyballtournament and then directly
back home for my tennis playerdaughter to play in state.
And we had a lot of companycome in town because right after
she played in state shegraduated from high school.
So that was super cool, reallyfun to have my family in town to
support her.
(02:11):
She walked, got her diploma.
It was really fun to host thatand get to be a part of that.
And then, right as soon as thatwas over, we jumped in the car.
Our company all went home.
We jumped in the car and drove11 hours down to our favorite
place on earth, which is LakePowell, and we stayed on a
(02:32):
houseboat for a week.
We took nine friends with us.
So my older daughter invitedfour friends, my younger
daughter invited four friends,my son invited a friend, and
then my son and his wife alsocame with us.
So that was super cool, but ittook a lot of preparation,
because you're basically campingon a houseboat in the middle of
(02:53):
nowhere, so I had been cookingand prepping for all of this.
We took 16 people from our areaand then the boat owner brought
another eight people, so therewas 24 people total on the boat.
I was the only mother.
I was in charge of all of thefood, but it was a wonderful,
wonderful week and in the middleof all, that was also Mother's
(03:16):
Day at some point, and I've alsobeen working on promoting my
book, seeing my clients and, andthe month ended May ended with
my 46th birthday.
So I turned 46 just a couple ofdays ago.
If you're listening or watchingin real time, so that was the
month of May.
It was really packed, reallyfull.
(03:39):
We had some great podcastepisodes in there.
So if you have not yet listenedto the episode on how to keep
your connection with your spouseand your sanity during the very
busy times, trust me, Irecorded that episode with
experience and in the busyness,so I can tell you for sure that
(04:01):
one of the most important thingsthat you can do is stay really
close and connected to yourpartner, your teammate, to be
able to make all of that runmore smoothly.
So today's episode I wanted totalk a little bit about our trip
to Lake Powell.
It was super fun.
I had my whole family of sevennow my son and his wife were
there, so it was really cool toget to see them interacting and
(04:25):
being together.
There was also an engagedcouple about to be engaged
couples, and then a bunch of youknow, girls that just graduated
from high school and teenagers.
So the youngest person on theboat was 13.
And then I was the secondoldest, the owner of the boat,
who is a dear friend of ours andI've talked about him on
several podcasts, but his nameis Matt Fairbanks and he was
(04:47):
there.
His wife didn't come this time.
She is training for a huge raceand like where she hikes a
really tall mountain I can'tremember the elevation now, but
it's really high and so sheneeded to stay and train for
that.
So he came on his own and thenmy husband and I and then all
the rest of the kids were 25years of age or younger, and so
(05:09):
it was fun to spend time withthat age group and also having
these couples this newlywedcouple, this engaged couple,
this about to be engaged couple,and then these single kind of
kids who were now you know, nowpretty much of marrying age, and
so it was a cool combinationand when they found out what I
(05:29):
did for a living, they had lotsof questions.
So it was really fun tointeract with them to be able to
give some advice and counsel onhow they're doing.
One of the boys who was therehad told me this story about how
he got in a fight with hisgirlfriend just before coming.
It wasn't really a fight, butthey had kind of a standoff
because they were his.
(05:50):
His girlfriend was coming late,so she wasn't there yet, and
originally he was going to comedown late with her but at the
last minute decided he wanted tocome at the very beginning of
the trip.
So he was there a couple ofdays before her and when he
changed the plans on her she wasa little upset and he noticed
that she was upset by kind ofthe thing that she usually does,
and so we kind of talkedthrough that and I gave him some
(06:13):
advice on that.
I said most people would doblank and he was like, yeah, I
totally did that.
And so I gave him like a reallycool skill that he could use,
which kind of became a runningjoke the whole time we were on
the boat, cause everybody waslistening and they thought it
was good advice, and so everyoneis kind of practicing this
(06:34):
skill.
That works not only inrelationships like a marriage or
a like a boyfriend girlfriendrelationship, romantic
relationships, but it also workswith your kids, with your
coworkers, with your friends.
It's a relational skill, so itworks in any relationship that
you're in and I guarantee if youmaster this skill, the quality
(06:56):
of your relationships will go upand it's just like an emotional
maturity kind of thing.
So I'll share that with you.
So basically he was like youknow, my girlfriend was upset
and so maturity kind of thing.
So I'll share that with you.
So basically he was like youknow, my girlfriend was upset
and so she kind of stoppedtalking to me and I could tell
she was upset, but you know shewasn't really being forthcoming
about what it was that she wasupset about, but I kind of knew.
So of course, I was like what's, what's the problem?
(07:18):
Like why are you being so quiet, or whatever?
And I gave him this skill.
So this is the skill it is tostart with, I noticed.
So that is like the cheat codekeyword.
I noticed that after I told youthat I was changing my plans and
I was going to go early to LakePowell, I noticed that you got
(07:39):
really quiet.
So here is the keys to makingthis work effectively quiet.
So here is the keys to makingthis work effectively.
I noticed is the phrase thatyou use and that one comes after
, I noticed, is a descriptionthat the security cam footage
would show.
So you're not saying you know.
I noticed that you were reallyfrustrated.
I noticed that you, you know,freaked out or whatever.
(08:02):
Those things would not bepicked up on security cam
footage.
What he noticed is that she gotreally quiet after he told her
about the change of plan.
Right, cause the security camfootage would pick up that she
was not talking and that she wasbeing quiet.
Right, and then you invite themto share with you what that's
about.
So I noticed you went reallyquiet after I told you about my
(08:22):
plans of Lake Powell changed.
I'd love to know more aboutwhat that is or why you went
quiet, or what I can do to help,or whatever.
So that is the skill.
It is a relational skill.
Like I said, it will work inany relationship that you use it
in and it is awesome forcreating open communication
(08:46):
about something that's botheringsomebody that you know, versus
saying you know what the heck?
What's your problem?
Why aren't you talking?
You know.
That creates a lot ofdefensiveness, closed offness,
whereas this invitation, Inoticed, really can open up some
good quality conversation andhelp you understand more about
the person that you're talkingto, which is always the goal of
(09:09):
relational communication.
Okay, so that was really fun.
I got to give that piece ofadvice and people listened and
then we were kind of everybodywas joking about it for the rest
of the trip and like it wascool, because I was confident
that most of the people on thatboat, especially those who were
in romantic relationships ordating, went home with that
(09:30):
skill, and so this same boy, whohe is getting really close to
proposing to his girlfriend.
We're really, really excited.
They were such a darling couple, so excited for them.
He also asked me at one pointwhat is your best advice for
couples who are getting married?
And I had to think about thatfor a second and I thought you
(09:51):
know what?
Here's the thing my husband andI have been married for 23
years, but I will tell you thatthe beginning of our
relationship was definitelyrocky and I was thinking about
this a lot on the boat becauseright after our trip my son and
his wife and also our daughterso three of them they left right
(10:11):
from the boat to go sell forthe summer.
So they're selling solar inMinnesota and there was a point
on the trip where I could tellthat something was bothering my
daughter-in-law and it was socool to watch my son and her,
you know kind of work through it, resolve it.
Everything ended up great Right, but I knew exactly what she
(10:32):
was going through because Iremember my husband and I got
married and immediately took ourhoneymoon and went down to sell
for the summer and I rememberhating that summer.
It was really difficult for meas a newlywed because we had
completely different schedules.
I was waking up really early, Ihad to be to work by seven in
(10:53):
the morning and I would workoften until seven o'clock at
night, where my husband'sschedule.
He didn't have to be to workuntil 11 and then he would often
work until 11 o'clock at night.
So they were long days and wewere on very separate schedules.
So by the time my husband gothome from work in the night, I
was exhausted and needed to getsleep so that I could be
(11:15):
functional the next day, and hewas definitely not waking up
super early with me.
And so I remember just havingthis, these feelings of is this
really what I signed up for?
Like I, I thought we were goingto have all this time together
and we were going to have somuch fun and we're going to do
things together, and I barelyever see you and I don't feel
like we're spending any timetogether.
(11:36):
And I remember like halfwaythrough the summer I just had
this breakdown where I was likeI never get to see you, I I'm,
I'm not enjoying this.
I didn't think this is whatmarriage would be like.
And at first he did not handlemy crying very well.
So early in our marriage myhusband did not do crying, which
he's much better at it now,with four children and you know
(11:59):
a wife that gets emotional oftenhe can handle it much better
that early in our marriage.
So that shut him downimmediately.
So when he saw me crying, itwasn't like he's like what's
wrong, how can I help you?
I snuggle you Like I want tomake you feel better.
He was like whoa and I thinkhis reaction to crying was like
what did I do wrong?
Like he's like I'm about to getattacked, I just, but I want to
(12:26):
stay far away from thissituation.
So that in and of itself didn'tgo well.
But then, once I calmed downand I wasn't crying and we could
have a conversation about it, Ijust told him my feelings that,
like, this isn't what I signedup for, I thought this was going
to be different.
And he said just hold on, waituntil we get to school at BYU,
and I promise things will bedifferent.
And he was right.
I just had to hold on throughthat tough three months and then
(12:48):
we had a blast at college.
We still had different schedules.
I worked full time and he wentto school full time, so he would
be out late studying a lot.
But we spent all of our moneyon a sports pass, and so we
would go to the football games,the basketball games, the soccer
games, the water polo games,the volleyball games, any game
that we could get into with thispass.
(13:09):
We did.
And we also were very religiousabout our date nights.
So there was we didn't have anymoney, but there was a movie
theater that was close by and ithad 50 cent tickets on Tuesday,
and so we would go to Wendy'sand each of us would get two
things off the dollar menu andthen we would each buy a 50 cent
movie ticket and we would seeall of the good movies and eat
(13:33):
dinner for $5.
That was our date night.
So there's been a lot ofinflation since then, but that
was so fun.
But we did have our share ofstruggles.
We didn't communicate very well, we didn't have a lot of
relational skills, we werecoming from two very different
backgrounds and it was hard tomesh our ideas and our
(13:56):
experiences and things like that.
So while we did have a lot ofjoy and fun, there was also a
lot of painful times.
So let me bring this backaround.
I have a heart for newlyweds.
I know that it's difficult fortwo people who come from very
different backgrounds or evensimilar backgrounds but
different people to figure outhow to mesh their lives together
(14:20):
and have the relational skills.
Because it's not your fault,relational skills are not taught
really anywhere, and so my bestadvice for newlyweds is to find
a relational life practitioner,so an RLT practitioner, and do
a couple of sessions of eitherpremarital or newlywed therapy
(14:44):
together.
And the reason why I think thisis so important is because, even
if there are no problems yet,you get married and I see these
kids, right, these newlyweds andthese engaged, and this madly
in love.
They're in this season of beingmadly in love and what could
ever go wrong?
Right?
We love each other so much.
(15:05):
What's the problem?
What could ever be the problem?
Right, but there's so much hopeand promise and excitement for
the future.
However, there are alwaysthings that come up.
There's always going to bechallenges, there's always going
to be trials, there's going tobe roadblocks and things that
really challenge therelationship.
And so getting good premaritalcounseling or newlywed kind of
(15:29):
seeing somebody as a newlywed,is a great way to set yourself
up for success for a few reasons.
Number one is you can learn alot about yourself, about your
relationship template, aboutyour losing strategies, about
where you, where you fall on therelational or the trauma grid
right, there's a lot of thingsthat a relational life therapist
(15:50):
specifically can tell you aboutyou and your partner.
So these, I think, are veryvaluable things to kind of have
the knowledge of going in, aswell as give you a few skills,
the first of which is how toreally go from first
consciousness to secondconsciousness, which that's a
(16:12):
fancy way of saying.
Are you really in the driver'sseat?
Is your prefrontal cortex, yourwise adult self, making the
decisions, or are you in yourcomplete?
We call it the adaptive child,so are you having a knee-jerk
reaction?
Are you in your complete?
We call it the adaptive child,so are you having a knee jerk
reaction?
Are you in protection modefight, flight or flee?
Are you acting from?
(16:34):
Your amygdala is activated,you're triggered, you're
responding not to your partner,but to something from your past.
That's a great skill is to beable to recognize that and get
some really good skills as tohow to take a break or get your
prefrontal cortex back onlinebefore you do something else,
(16:56):
which John Gottman calls aregrettable incident.
Right, you know working withthat and then learning some
skills that will help youcommunicate better about things
that are going to come up.
So learning how to repair,learning how to make requests,
learning how to you know talkabout, I notice, which is kind
of a soft startup.
So what I do as a coach is Icombine a lot of John Gottman
(17:21):
and Terry Real and Sue Johnsonand a few others that are just
really solid Emily Nagoski allmarriage researchers that have
written books that are veryknowledgeable, and I also gave
some book recommendations, whichI'll do for you here Seven
Principles of Making MarriageWork Come as you Are, my new
(17:44):
book, Bad Marriage Advice All ofthose are really good
fundamental books that can setyou up for success.
But I really think there'snothing better than having a few
sessions just to set you up forsuccess.
So you'll have, you know,you'll kind of have your losing
strategy profile.
You'll know more about thedynamic that you're going to
(18:05):
create in your relationship.
I mean, you've you've probablybeen dating for a while.
You're engaged, you know, newlymarried, the dynamic is set
right, you're already operatingunder that dynamic.
So, learning about that dynamic, learning some skills to better
communicate and repair afterconflict, and so it's just a
(18:26):
couple of sessions when there'sno problem, you know, when
you're not feeling like reallyunder fire, and then you've
already established with someone.
So when not if, because Ipromise you you're going to face
challenges when you hit astumbling block or you know a
bump in the road or road, or youneed to make a big decision or
you're struggling throughsomething you're already with
(18:47):
somebody who understands, whoknows who you are, knows about
your dynamic, understands you asa couple, so you're not
starting from zero, that youfeel comfortable going to this
person and bringing up kind ofwhat you're going through and
you can make progress through itvery quickly.
So my best advice for newlywedsis to go have a couple of
(19:10):
sessions with an RLTpractitioner, and so in light of
that, I decided to create avery, very, very special offer
because, like I said, I have aheart for these newlyweds.
I know it's not easy, contraryto what people think, setting
yourself up for success is socrucial, and so I'm offering
(19:32):
three sessions to newlyweds orengaged couples.
So either premarital counselingor newlywed sessions for the
price of one.
Now, I can't do this for verylong, but I don't have a lot
scheduled for this summer, so aslong as I'm not fully booked,
which is going to happen inSeptember I do get really really
(19:53):
busy once school starts but forthis summer at least, I'm
offering three sessions for theprice of one.
Now you can do this foryourselves, you can do this for
a newlywed couple or an engagedcouple that you know, your kids
or your kids' friends, or anyonewho is getting married.
Now this can be a first, second, third marriage, it doesn't
(20:15):
matter.
This is a really good way toset that couple up for success.
So if you're interested indoing that, I want you to go to
monicatanercom and click on thework with me and we'll set up a
30 minute consultation.
It doesn't have to be 30minutes if it's not for you, but
I'll tell you how to set upthree sessions and obviously the
couple will work with thecouple's schedule to set up
(20:37):
these three sessions.
But you can pay for it and thenwe'll make sure that you know.
I'll send a really cute cardthat you can present to the
couple, either at their weddingor their engagement party or a
shower, or however you want togift that to them.
We'll make sure that it'sreally special and it looks
awesome.
It is a gift from the heart.
I think it is such a valuablegift that you can give these
(21:00):
kids that are to be able tostart off on the right foot, and
we will go from there.
So you can either send me aninquiry and my email is moni
M-O-N-I at monicatanercom, orjust go to monicatanercom and
click on the link to schedule.
So thank you guys, so much forlistening.
Again, I hope that you can feelmy passion for these engaged
(21:23):
couples and these newlywedcouples.
They are so special, there isso much excitement and promise
and hope in them right now andif we can just give them a
little bit of boost and someskills, we can really set them
up for success.
So I hope that you'll take meup on this very special offer
(21:44):
and I hope that you'll join usnext week for another fantastic
episode and say again right here, same time, same place next
week, and until then, happymarriaging, happy engaging,
happy relationing.
I hope that these episodes arehelpful for you and I will see
(22:06):
you very soon.
Hello and welcome to the Secrets of Happily Ever
After podcast.
I'm your host, monica Tanner,and today's episode is going to
be a quickie, super fun, kind oftying up a really really busy
month.
So if you've been followingalong, you know that May we
lovingly refer to as Maycember,but for our family in particular
(00:23):
, this year has been reallyexciting, with lots of fun
events and changes.
For our family it started offon May 3rd, which is me and my
husband's 23rd weddinganniversary, and also my oldest
son married his beautiful brideon that afternoon.
(00:46):
So May 3rd was my son's weddingand also my anniversary.
So that's super fun that we getto share an anniversary.
And he got married in adifferent state and I was in
charge of the luncheon, so wehad rented an Airbnb.
It was super fun because hespent his last night being
single with our family.
(01:07):
It was kind of the last nightthat our nuclear family got to
spend together in a littleAirbnb and we got to laugh and
give advice and I was cookingand we just got to spend that
last little bit of time with himalone as our son.
And now I have adaughter-in-law.
So the wedding was amazing.
(01:29):
It was so fun.
We did it in her hometown andshe had lots of support from
family and friends and it wasjust all around so nice.
So that is how the monthstarted off.
And then we drove home for mydaughter to play in tennis
districts and then I drove backdown to Utah with my younger
(01:51):
daughter for a volleyballtournament and then directly
back home for my tennis playerdaughter to play in state.
And we had a lot of companycome in town because right after
she played in state shegraduated from high school.
So that was super cool, reallyfun to have my family in town to
support her.
(02:11):
She walked, got her diploma.
It was really fun to host thatand get to be a part of that.
And then, right as soon as thatwas over, we jumped in the car.
Our company all went home.
We jumped in the car and drove11 hours down to our favorite
place on earth, which is LakePowell, and we stayed on a
(02:32):
houseboat for a week.
We took nine friends with us.
So my older daughter invitedfour friends, my younger
daughter invited four friends,my son invited a friend, and
then my son and his wife alsocame with us.
So that was super cool, but ittook a lot of preparation,
because you're basically campingon a houseboat in the middle of
(02:53):
nowhere, so I had been cookingand prepping for all of this.
We took 16 people from our areaand then the boat owner brought
another eight people, so therewas 24 people total on the boat.
I was the only mother.
I was in charge of all of thefood, but it was a wonderful,
wonderful week and in the middleof all, that was also Mother's
(03:16):
Day at some point, and I've alsobeen working on promoting my
book, seeing my clients and, andthe month ended May ended with
my 46th birthday.
So I turned 46 just a couple ofdays ago.
If you're listening or watchingin real time, so that was the
month of May.
It was really packed, reallyfull.
(03:39):
We had some great podcastepisodes in there.
So if you have not yet listenedto the episode on how to keep
your connection with your spouseand your sanity during the very
busy times, trust me, Irecorded that episode with
experience and in the busyness,so I can tell you for sure that
(04:01):
one of the most important thingsthat you can do is stay really
close and connected to yourpartner, your teammate, to be
able to make all of that runmore smoothly.
So today's episode I wanted totalk a little bit about our trip
to Lake Powell.
It was super fun.
I had my whole family of sevennow my son and his wife were
there, so it was really cool toget to see them interacting and
(04:25):
being together.
There was also an engagedcouple about to be engaged
couples, and then a bunch of youknow, girls that just graduated
from high school and teenagers.
So the youngest person on theboat was 13.
And then I was the secondoldest, the owner of the boat,
who is a dear friend of ours andI've talked about him on
several podcasts, but his nameis Matt Fairbanks and he was
(04:47):
there.
His wife didn't come this time.
She is training for a huge raceand like where she hikes a
really tall mountain I can'tremember the elevation now, but
it's really high and so sheneeded to stay and train for
that.
So he came on his own and thenmy husband and I and then all
the rest of the kids were 25years of age or younger, and so
(05:09):
it was fun to spend time withthat age group and also having
these couples this newlywedcouple, this engaged couple,
this about to be engaged couple,and then these single kind of
kids who were now you know, nowpretty much of marrying age, and
so it was a cool combinationand when they found out what I
(05:29):
did for a living, they had lotsof questions.
So it was really fun tointeract with them to be able to
give some advice and counsel onhow they're doing.
One of the boys who was therehad told me this story about how
he got in a fight with hisgirlfriend just before coming.
It wasn't really a fight, butthey had kind of a standoff
because they were his.
(05:50):
His girlfriend was coming late,so she wasn't there yet, and
originally he was going to comedown late with her but at the
last minute decided he wanted tocome at the very beginning of
the trip.
So he was there a couple ofdays before her and when he
changed the plans on her she wasa little upset and he noticed
that she was upset by kind ofthe thing that she usually does,
and so we kind of talkedthrough that and I gave him some
(06:13):
advice on that.
I said most people would doblank and he was like, yeah, I
totally did that.
And so I gave him like a reallycool skill that he could use,
which kind of became a runningjoke the whole time we were on
the boat, cause everybody waslistening and they thought it
was good advice, and so everyoneis kind of practicing this
(06:34):
skill.
That works not only inrelationships like a marriage or
a like a boyfriend girlfriendrelationship, romantic
relationships, but it also workswith your kids, with your
coworkers, with your friends.
It's a relational skill, so itworks in any relationship that
you're in and I guarantee if youmaster this skill, the quality
(06:56):
of your relationships will go upand it's just like an emotional
maturity kind of thing.
So I'll share that with you.
So basically he was like youknow, my girlfriend was upset
and so maturity kind of thing.
So I'll share that with you.
So basically he was like youknow, my girlfriend was upset
and so she kind of stoppedtalking to me and I could tell
she was upset, but you know shewasn't really being forthcoming
about what it was that she wasupset about, but I kind of knew.
So of course, I was like what's, what's the problem?
(07:18):
Like why are you being so quiet, or whatever?
And I gave him this skill.
So this is the skill it is tostart with, I noticed.
So that is like the cheat codekeyword.
I noticed that after I told youthat I was changing my plans and
I was going to go early to LakePowell, I noticed that you got
(07:39):
really quiet.
So here is the keys to makingthis work effectively quiet.
So here is the keys to makingthis work effectively.
I noticed is the phrase thatyou use and that one comes after
, I noticed, is a descriptionthat the security cam footage
would show.
So you're not saying you know.
I noticed that you were reallyfrustrated.
I noticed that you, you know,freaked out or whatever.
(08:02):
Those things would not bepicked up on security cam
footage.
What he noticed is that she gotreally quiet after he told her
about the change of plan.
Right, cause the security camfootage would pick up that she
was not talking and that she wasbeing quiet.
Right, and then you invite themto share with you what that's
about.
So I noticed you went reallyquiet after I told you about my
(08:22):
plans of Lake Powell changed.
I'd love to know more aboutwhat that is or why you went
quiet, or what I can do to help,or whatever.
So that is the skill.
It is a relational skill.
Like I said, it will work inany relationship that you use it
in and it is awesome forcreating open communication
(08:46):
about something that's botheringsomebody that you know, versus
saying you know what the heck?
What's your problem?
Why aren't you talking?
You know.
That creates a lot ofdefensiveness, closed offness,
whereas this invitation, Inoticed, really can open up some
good quality conversation andhelp you understand more about
the person that you're talkingto, which is always the goal of
(09:09):
relational communication.
Okay, so that was really fun.
I got to give that piece ofadvice and people listened and
then we were kind of everybodywas joking about it for the rest
of the trip and like it wascool, because I was confident
that most of the people on thatboat, especially those who were
in romantic relationships ordating, went home with that
(09:30):
skill, and so this same boy, whohe is getting really close to
proposing to his girlfriend.
We're really, really excited.
They were such a darling couple, so excited for them.
He also asked me at one pointwhat is your best advice for
couples who are getting married?
And I had to think about thatfor a second and I thought you
(09:51):
know what?
Here's the thing my husband andI have been married for 23
years, but I will tell you thatthe beginning of our
relationship was definitelyrocky and I was thinking about
this a lot on the boat becauseright after our trip my son and
his wife and also our daughterso three of them they left right
(10:11):
from the boat to go sell forthe summer.
So they're selling solar inMinnesota and there was a point
on the trip where I could tellthat something was bothering my
daughter-in-law and it was socool to watch my son and her,
you know kind of work through it, resolve it.
Everything ended up great Right, but I knew exactly what she
(10:32):
was going through because Iremember my husband and I got
married and immediately took ourhoneymoon and went down to sell
for the summer and I rememberhating that summer.
It was really difficult for meas a newlywed because we had
completely different schedules.
I was waking up really early, Ihad to be to work by seven in
(10:53):
the morning and I would workoften until seven o'clock at
night, where my husband'sschedule.
He didn't have to be to workuntil 11 and then he would often
work until 11 o'clock at night.
So they were long days and wewere on very separate schedules.
So by the time my husband gothome from work in the night, I
was exhausted and needed to getsleep so that I could be
(11:15):
functional the next day, and hewas definitely not waking up
super early with me.
And so I remember just havingthis, these feelings of is this
really what I signed up for?
Like I, I thought we were goingto have all this time together
and we were going to have somuch fun and we're going to do
things together, and I barelyever see you and I don't feel
like we're spending any timetogether.
(11:36):
And I remember like halfwaythrough the summer I just had
this breakdown where I was likeI never get to see you, I I'm,
I'm not enjoying this.
I didn't think this is whatmarriage would be like.
And at first he did not handlemy crying very well.
So early in our marriage myhusband did not do crying, which
he's much better at it now,with four children and you know
(11:59):
a wife that gets emotional oftenhe can handle it much better
that early in our marriage.
So that shut him downimmediately.
So when he saw me crying, itwasn't like he's like what's
wrong, how can I help you?
I snuggle you Like I want tomake you feel better.
He was like whoa and I thinkhis reaction to crying was like
what did I do wrong?
Like he's like I'm about to getattacked, I just, but I want to
(12:26):
stay far away from thissituation.
So that in and of itself didn'tgo well.
But then, once I calmed downand I wasn't crying and we could
have a conversation about it, Ijust told him my feelings that,
like, this isn't what I signedup for, I thought this was going
to be different.
And he said just hold on, waituntil we get to school at BYU,
and I promise things will bedifferent.
And he was right.
I just had to hold on throughthat tough three months and then
(12:48):
we had a blast at college.
We still had different schedules.
I worked full time and he wentto school full time, so he would
be out late studying a lot.
But we spent all of our moneyon a sports pass, and so we
would go to the football games,the basketball games, the soccer
games, the water polo games,the volleyball games, any game
that we could get into with thispass.
(13:09):
We did.
And we also were very religiousabout our date nights.
So there was we didn't have anymoney, but there was a movie
theater that was close by and ithad 50 cent tickets on Tuesday,
and so we would go to Wendy'sand each of us would get two
things off the dollar menu andthen we would each buy a 50 cent
movie ticket and we would seeall of the good movies and eat
(13:33):
dinner for $5.
That was our date night.
So there's been a lot ofinflation since then, but that
was so fun.
But we did have our share ofstruggles.
We didn't communicate very well, we didn't have a lot of
relational skills, we werecoming from two very different
backgrounds and it was hard tomesh our ideas and our
(13:56):
experiences and things like that.
So while we did have a lot ofjoy and fun, there was also a
lot of painful times.
So let me bring this backaround.
I have a heart for newlyweds.
I know that it's difficult fortwo people who come from very
different backgrounds or evensimilar backgrounds but
different people to figure outhow to mesh their lives together
(14:20):
and have the relational skills.
Because it's not your fault,relational skills are not taught
really anywhere, and so my bestadvice for newlyweds is to find
a relational life practitioner,so an RLT practitioner, and do
a couple of sessions of eitherpremarital or newlywed therapy
(14:44):
together.
And the reason why I think thisis so important is because, even
if there are no problems yet,you get married and I see these
kids, right, these newlyweds andthese engaged, and this madly
in love.
They're in this season of beingmadly in love and what could
ever go wrong?
Right?
We love each other so much.
(15:05):
What's the problem?
What could ever be the problem?
Right, but there's so much hopeand promise and excitement for
the future.
However, there are alwaysthings that come up.
There's always going to bechallenges, there's always going
to be trials, there's going tobe roadblocks and things that
really challenge therelationship.
And so getting good premaritalcounseling or newlywed kind of
(15:29):
seeing somebody as a newlywed,is a great way to set yourself
up for success for a few reasons.
Number one is you can learn alot about yourself, about your
relationship template, aboutyour losing strategies, about
where you, where you fall on therelational or the trauma grid
right, there's a lot of thingsthat a relational life therapist
(15:50):
specifically can tell you aboutyou and your partner.
So these, I think, are veryvaluable things to kind of have
the knowledge of going in, aswell as give you a few skills,
the first of which is how toreally go from first
consciousness to secondconsciousness, which that's a
(16:12):
fancy way of saying.
Are you really in the driver'sseat?
Is your prefrontal cortex, yourwise adult self, making the
decisions, or are you in yourcomplete?
We call it the adaptive child,so are you having a knee-jerk
reaction?
Are you in your complete?
We call it the adaptive child,so are you having a knee jerk
reaction?
Are you in protection modefight, flight or flee?
Are you acting from?
(16:34):
Your amygdala is activated,you're triggered, you're
responding not to your partner,but to something from your past.
That's a great skill is to beable to recognize that and get
some really good skills as tohow to take a break or get your
prefrontal cortex back onlinebefore you do something else,
(16:56):
which John Gottman calls aregrettable incident.
Right, you know working withthat and then learning some
skills that will help youcommunicate better about things
that are going to come up.
So learning how to repair,learning how to make requests,
learning how to you know talkabout, I notice, which is kind
of a soft startup.
So what I do as a coach is Icombine a lot of John Gottman
(17:21):
and Terry Real and Sue Johnsonand a few others that are just
really solid Emily Nagoski allmarriage researchers that have
written books that are veryknowledgeable, and I also gave
some book recommendations, whichI'll do for you here Seven
Principles of Making MarriageWork Come as you Are, my new
(17:44):
book, Bad Marriage Advice All ofthose are really good
fundamental books that can setyou up for success.
But I really think there'snothing better than having a few
sessions just to set you up forsuccess.
So you'll have, you know,you'll kind of have your losing
strategy profile.
You'll know more about thedynamic that you're going to
(18:05):
create in your relationship.
I mean, you've you've probablybeen dating for a while.
You're engaged, you know, newlymarried, the dynamic is set
right, you're already operatingunder that dynamic.
So, learning about that dynamic, learning some skills to better
communicate and repair afterconflict, and so it's just a
(18:26):
couple of sessions when there'sno problem, you know, when
you're not feeling like reallyunder fire, and then you've
already established with someone.
So when not if, because Ipromise you you're going to face
challenges when you hit astumbling block or you know a
bump in the road or road, or youneed to make a big decision or
you're struggling throughsomething you're already with
(18:47):
somebody who understands, whoknows who you are, knows about
your dynamic, understands you asa couple, so you're not
starting from zero, that youfeel comfortable going to this
person and bringing up kind ofwhat you're going through and
you can make progress through itvery quickly.
So my best advice for newlywedsis to go have a couple of
(19:10):
sessions with an RLTpractitioner, and so in light of
that, I decided to create avery, very, very special offer
because, like I said, I have aheart for these newlyweds.
I know it's not easy, contraryto what people think, setting
yourself up for success is socrucial, and so I'm offering
(19:32):
three sessions to newlyweds orengaged couples.
So either premarital counselingor newlywed sessions for the
price of one.
Now, I can't do this for verylong, but I don't have a lot
scheduled for this summer, so aslong as I'm not fully booked,
which is going to happen inSeptember I do get really really
(19:53):
busy once school starts but forthis summer at least, I'm
offering three sessions for theprice of one.
Now you can do this foryourselves, you can do this for
a newlywed couple or an engagedcouple that you know, your kids
or your kids' friends, or anyonewho is getting married.
Now this can be a first, second, third marriage, it doesn't
(20:15):
matter.
This is a really good way toset that couple up for success.
So if you're interested indoing that, I want you to go to
monicatanercom and click on thework with me and we'll set up a
30 minute consultation.
It doesn't have to be 30minutes if it's not for you, but
I'll tell you how to set upthree sessions and obviously the
couple will work with thecouple's schedule to set up
(20:37):
these three sessions.
But you can pay for it and thenwe'll make sure that you know.
I'll send a really cute cardthat you can present to the
couple, either at their weddingor their engagement party or a
shower, or however you want togift that to them.
We'll make sure that it'sreally special and it looks
awesome.
It is a gift from the heart.
I think it is such a valuablegift that you can give these
(21:00):
kids that are to be able tostart off on the right foot, and
we will go from there.
So you can either send me aninquiry and my email is moni
M-O-N-I at monicatanercom, orjust go to monicatanercom and
click on the link to schedule.
So thank you guys, so much forlistening.
Again, I hope that you can feelmy passion for these engaged
(21:23):
couples and these newlywedcouples.
They are so special, there isso much excitement and promise
and hope in them right now andif we can just give them a
little bit of boost and someskills, we can really set them
up for success.
So I hope that you'll take meup on this very special offer
(21:44):
and I hope that you'll join usnext week for another fantastic
episode and say again right here, same time, same place next
week, and until then, happymarriaging, happy engaging,
happy relationing.
I hope that these episodes arehelpful for you and I will see
(22:06):
you very soon.
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