July 29, 2025 • 32 mins
Teaching kids about healthy sexuality requires a thoughtful approach that prepares them for marriage, much like teaching them to drive requires instruction before handing over the keys.
• The DRIVE framework provides a comprehensive approach to sex education within families
• D for Dialogue: Keep conversations open, ongoing, and age-appropriate
• R for Respect: Teach children to view their bodies and sexuality as sacred
• I for Instruction: Provide education that matches developmental stages
• V for Values: Ground all conversations in family values about marriage and commitment
• E for Expectation: Build positive anticipation for intimacy within marriage
• Common myths about sex education can undermine effective teaching
• Fear-based messaging creates the problematic "no-no-no, go-go-go" dynamic
• Children need consistent, positive messaging about sexuality as God's gift for marriage
• Parents should model appropriate affection and open communication
If you have questions or need additional resources to talk to your children about sex and sexuality, please email me at moni@monicatanner.com, and check out my upcoming book "Bad Marriage Advice."
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 0 (00:00):
Hello and welcome to the Secrets of Happily Ever
After podcast.
I'm your host, monica Tanner,and I have been working on
today's topic for quite a while,and I'm really excited to share
this framework with you, andit's all about how to teach our
kids about healthy sexuality.
(00:21):
I've come up with an acronymthat I'm very excited to teach
you, based around how you'regoing to have these discussions
and teach your kids healthysexuality in preparation for
marriage.
So, before we get started onthe actual episode, I want to
let you know that I am so giddyabout the progress of my new
(00:43):
book, bad Marriage Advice, whichis coming out really soon, and
I want to offer you theopportunity to be part of my
launch team, which has a wholebunch of really cool benefits.
First off, you're going to getbehind the scenes of the whole
publishing process.
So if you've ever wanted towrite a book or you're curious
(01:04):
what publishing a book entails,I'm going to give you all the
details about how that came tobe.
Plus, you're going to be partof an exclusive group.
We're going to have a Facebookgroup, and in there will be lots
of my friends that are expertson all different aspects of
(01:24):
marriage, so you'll get to be inthat Facebook group.
We're going to have specialguests.
You're going to be able to askquestions on topics related to
the book and related to othertopics in marriage.
You're going to get first dibson everything that comes out
around the book.
We're going to do some reallycool activities and bonuses.
(01:47):
So if you're interested injoining the launch team for bad
marriage advice, email me,monnie at monicatanercom, and
I'll get you on that list.
All right now to today'sepisode.
Like I said, I've been workingon this analogy for a little
while, ever since I did apodcast and I was asked how I
(02:10):
would teach and prepare kids toenjoy sex more fully in marriage
, and I feel very passionateabout this topic because the
reality is, if we don't teachour kids about sex and sexuality
, somebody else absolutely will,and they probably aren't going
to do it the way we would likeit done.
(02:31):
So, whether our kids learn fromtheir peers sharing
misinformation on the playground, distorted portrayals in the
media or fragmentedconversations that they overhear
, our children will learn aboutsex.
So the question isn't whetheror not they will receive this
education.
It's whether or not we, asparents, will take the lead in
(02:55):
shaping their understanding withtruth, wisdom and our family
values.
So this analogy that I kind ofcame up with in this interview
that I did was comparing gettingyour driver's license to
getting your marriage license.
So I want you to think abouthow you approach driving with
(03:18):
your kids.
We don't use fear tactics ortell them that cars are
dangerous or forbidden.
Instead, we teach them thatdriving is a privilege that
comes with added responsibility.
They understand from an earlyage that driving requires
preparation and education, thatthere's an appropriate age and
(03:42):
maturity level for thisresponsibility.
They understand that a licenserepresents readiness and legal
permission in order to drive.
They understand that the skillsthey learn in their driver's ed
classes not only keep them safebut also everybody else on the
road.
And, most importantly, theyunderstand that driving without
(04:05):
preparation or permission hasserious consequences.
Right, they will mostdefinitely get a ticket.
They might get arrested.
They might have a prolongedperiod of time before they can
get their actual license.
There are consequences fordisregarding the laws around
having a driver's license.
(04:26):
Similarly, when we framesexuality within marriage like a
driver's license, we'reteaching our children that
sexual intimacy is a beautifulgift and a privilege that
requires preparation andresponsibility, that there's
wisdom in waiting for the righttime and the right context which
(04:48):
I teach is marriage.
They understand that marriagerepresents the commitment and
maturity needed for this sacredresponsibility and that learning
about sexuality inage-appropriate ways protects
and prepares them to be able toenjoy this freedom within
(05:08):
marriage.
Now, similarly as the driver'slicense, acting outside of this
framework can have emotional,spiritual and physical
consequences.
So before I teach you myframework for how to teach your
children about healthy sex andsexuality, I want to address
(05:31):
some serious misconceptions andmyths that a lot of us have to
overcome before we can havethese conversations.
So the first myth is that if wedon't talk about sex, our kids
won't think about it, which is ahuge misconception, because
even if you're super vigilantabout what they're watching and
(05:55):
listening to and what they'reexposed to, children just are
naturally curious about theirown bodies and sexuality.
When we don't talk about it,our kids learn that this is not
something we discuss, and so itcreates a lot of shame,
unhealthy curiosity andmisinformation on the topic.
(06:17):
So we definitely don't want tojust stay silent on this issue.
Number two if we talk about sex, it will encourage promiscuity.
Now I can understand where thisidea comes from, but so many
research studies have shown thatcomprehensive, value-based
(06:38):
sexual education actually delayssexual activity and promotes
healthier decision-making.
Knowledge paired with clearvalues creates wisdom and
responsibility, not recklessness.
The third myth is that if wehave the talk, it will be
sufficient.
(06:58):
But the reality is is thatsexual education, just like
driver's education, is a processthat unfolds over time and it
takes years, withage-appropriate conversation,
not one uncomfortable discussion.
Studies show that kids that areexposed to their parents'
(07:20):
physical displays of affectionare more secure and more
prepared for emotional, physicaland sexual intimacy within
marriage.
So I'm not suggesting that youdo anything inappropriate in
front of your children, butkissing, hugging, holding hands,
affectionate touch will prepareyour children to enjoy their
(07:43):
sexuality more fully withinmarriage.
The fourth myth is one I getpretty passionate about, and
it's that fear-based messagingwill somehow protect our
children from making bad choices.
The reality is that teachingthrough fear creates shame,
anxiety and often a lot ofrebellion.
When we present sexuality asinherently dangerous, bad or
(08:06):
dirty rather than sacred, we robour children of the ability to
embrace it joyfully withinmarriage.
Now, something I've heard a tonis this idea of no, no, no, go,
go, go right.
We teach that it's dangerous,that it's bad, that it's like
playing with fire that we shouldstay away from it at all costs
and then somehow expect our kidsto flip a switch once they're
(08:29):
married and all of a suddenthink that it's awesome.
So we need to be very, very,very careful of the fear-based
messaging that we put around sexand sexuality.
And then the fifth and finalmyth I want to just bring up is
that children should learneverything from their parents or
nothing at all.
(08:50):
So again, while parents shouldlead these conversations,
pretending that the worlddoesn't exist is super naive.
Your kids are going to getsexual messaging from movies
they watch, from school, fromtheir peers.
So what is most important whenwe start these discussions in
(09:11):
our family is teaching them ourfamily values so they can filter
what they learn and what theysee through the values that
we've taught them.
So a good example of this iswhen our kids' friends might be
doing things more promiscuousthan we would want our children
to do and they might bring it tous and say, oh, so-and-so is
(09:34):
making out in the hallway atschool, or so-and-so is sexually
active, or so-and-so ispregnant out of wedlock, right.
Instead of freaking out,judging those friends, telling
our kids to stay away from them,we just talk about how their
values might differ from ourvalues in the same type of way
(09:56):
that maybe so-and-so's familygets a brand new car of their
choosing right on their 16thbirthday and maybe our kids get
like a hand-me-down car that allof their siblings have driven
right.
So it's just a little bitdifferent in values.
We're not judging the otherfamilies or their friends and
their decision-making.
(10:16):
We're just helping our kidsunderstand how to filter their
decisions through our familyvalues.
It's important that theyunderstand what our values are
and why they're important.
Okay, so with that, I'm reallyexcited to teach you this
acronym or framework that Icreated around how to talk to
(10:39):
our children about sex andsexuality, and the acronym is
actually DRIVE, which is so fun,right?
Because that's the wholeanalogy of getting your driver's
license waiting until marriage,right?
So just as we teach our kids todrive safely and responsibly,
we can use this same frameworkto guide our approach to sexual
(11:00):
education in our families.
So the D in DRIVE stands fordialogue, meaning we want to
keep these conversations openand ongoing.
So sexual education is notabout the destination or the end
result.
It's about the ongoing dialoguethat you're having with your
kids throughout their lives.
(11:21):
Really, just as we don't teachour kids about cars in one
conversation or wait untilthey're almost 16 to start
talking about driving, weshouldn't approach sexuality as
just one single talk thathappens right before they need
it.
So we want to start with simple, age appropriate conversations
when children are young.
So, for example, we want toteach them that body parts have
(11:45):
proper names and that bodies arespecial and certain parts of
them we keep private.
That we should be in charge ofwho touches us and when.
Right, these types ofconversations can start really
young and keep being built uponall throughout their growing up,
puberty, getting married andbeyond.
(12:05):
Right.
So build on previousconversations as they mature.
We want to create a familyculture where questions are
welcome and not shut down, justlike sharing things that they're
seeing and learning at schoolor in movies.
That we welcome them, that wewant to talk to them about it,
that we're not going to shamethem or shut them down or judge
(12:29):
other people around it, that wejust merely want to use it as
conversations and to share ourfamily values with them.
So the other important thing isreally to use everyday moments
as teaching opportunities.
So, for example, when we seepregnant women, or if somebody
in our family is pregnant, wecan talk about that, maybe using
(12:51):
incoming wedding announcementsto start the conversation, or
even when we come across scenesin movies or books.
The last thing we want to do isshow or teach our kids that we
cannot talk about or toleratethese types of conversations
with them.
So make sure that you'rebringing it up that it's
nonchalant, that it's notsomething they have to get
(13:14):
worried about, like, oh my gosh,mom's talking about sex again,
that it's just an easy part ofour everyday conversations.
I want you to check in regularlywith your kids rather than
waiting for them to come to you.
A good example of this isregularly asking them do you
have any questions about yourchanging body, about your period
(13:35):
or growing hair or how to takecare of your changing body?
Right, like?
All of those things areimportant things that we want
our kids to come to us about,but if they're not coming to us,
we want to check in with themabout it.
The last thing we want is forthem to feel ashamed or bad or
like something has gone wrongbecause we're not able to talk
(13:58):
about it.
And last but not least, rememberthat dialogue goes both ways.
We want to be listening totheir curiosities, to their
questions, to their concerns andobservations.
One of the things I love ishaving all the kids at my house
and in order to do that weprovide a lot of food for them,
because then I kind of have myhand on the pulse of what's
(14:20):
going on in the friend groupwho's dating who, who's talking
to who the difference betweenthose two terms.
You don't have to be obnoxiousabout knowing all of the gossip,
but when you can have thoseconversations with your kids, it
helps you be more relatable andmore helpful when it comes to
sex and sexuality.
(14:41):
So the D stands for dialogue.
You want to talk openly andoften about the things that your
kids are experiencing andwondering about.
All right, moving on to the R,the R stands for respect.
We want to teach our kids torespect their body and their
sexuality as sacred.
(15:01):
So this is where we move beyondjust the biological information
to the heart of our values.
We always want to attachanything we're teaching our kids
about sex or sexuality to ourfamily values.
We're teaching our kids thatsexuality isn't just the
physicality of it, but that it'sa sacred gift from God meant to
(15:24):
be treasured and protected.
So we want to make sure thatwe're teaching the proper
anatomical names for body partswithout shame or embarrassment.
I always suggest that parentspractice in the mirror saying
penis, vagina, orgasm,masturbation.
Practice saying it to yourselfin the mirror and practice
(15:46):
saying it to your spouse so thatyou can say vagina and elbow
with the same amount of emotion,so your kids aren't like
triggering you when you'retrying to have these
conversations about body parts.
Explain that bodies are made byGod, that you are created in
his image, that God doesn't makemistakes.
(16:08):
Body image is so important toour children's developing
sexuality.
There's nothing wrong withwanting to be more healthy, but
helping our kids have a healthybody image.
Whether they're short or tall,big or small, lean or muscular,
we want them to feel comfortablein their own bodies.
(16:29):
We want to establishappropriate boundaries for
privacy and touch.
So this means havingconversations in your family
about knocking on doors beforeentering, especially the
bathroom.
We want to talk about parts ofour body that are not
appropriate to allow others totouch and what to do if somebody
does violate our comfort levelwhen it comes to touch.
(16:53):
You want your kids to be ableto come to you with that
information so that you can talkthrough it with them.
We never want them to beashamed or unable to let us know
if something is going on thatfeels inappropriate.
We want to model respect in ourown marriage relationships.
(17:14):
Now, I am a huge proponent ofaffectionate touch.
I think it's so important forkids to see their moms and dads
kissing and hugging and brushingagainst each other, holding
hands, but that means maybe notgrabbing each other in
inappropriate ways withoutconsent in front of your kids,
(17:34):
because we don't want to modelsomething inappropriate that we
wouldn't want them to feelcomfortable with.
Maybe until you have adultchildren, once your kids are all
married, go for it.
But modeling appropriate touchis really important.
We also want to make sure thatwe're discussing the differences
between how God designedsexuality and how the world
(17:55):
often portrays it.
So sure our kids, just walkingaround are going to see lots of
inappropriate displays oftouching or sexuality, maybe
even the way other people dressor their public displays of
affection and again, we don'twant to judge those people, only
help our kids filter theirbehavior through our family
(18:18):
values.
One of the coolest things I readsomewhere is that how important
it is to talk about sexualintimacy as God's wedding gift
to married couples.
So the idea is you don't wantto open your gifts before
Christmas morning because thatwould ruin the surprise and the
special, sacred nature ofopening your Christmas gifts, in
(18:41):
the same sense as we want tokeep our sexuality special as a
gift to be opened after we getmarried.
The way we phrase that is Godhas asked us to wait for
marriage so that we canexperience the gift of our
sexuality to the fullest.
So R stands for respect.
(19:02):
How do we respect our bodiesand our sexuality?
Moving on the?
I in drive stands forinstruction, meaning make sure
you're providing age-appropriateeducation for your children all
along the way, just likedriver's education, there's a
curriculum to follow.
We provide information thatmatches their developmental
(19:23):
stage and emotional maturity,building foundational knowledge
that they'll need for healthydecision-making.
That goes for driving and forsexuality.
So I did study childdevelopment in college.
It was one of my majors.
So I'm going to give you just avery rough outline of what you
can teach your kids at differentdevelopmental stages.
(19:45):
But if you're curious and youwant more information about this
, there are wonderful bookswritten for every single one of
these age groups that I'm happyto put together a resource for
you.
Just let me know that'ssomething you're interested in
at monnieatmonicatanercom andI'll do my best to put that
together for you.
But just a rough outline.
(20:06):
Between the ages of three andsix teach your kids basic body
awareness, privacy, appropriateversus inappropriate touch.
So even at the young agebetween three and six, we can
teach our kids what appropriatetouch is versus inappropriate
touch and how to handleinappropriate touches, whether
(20:27):
it happens on the playground orwith family or friends.
It's important that theyunderstand that they can come to
you no matter what.
Between the ages of seven and10, we want to teach them more
detailed anatomy.
This is when it's going to bereally important for you to be
able to say those anatomicalwords.
We want to teach them thebasics of reproduction and the
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emotional and physical changesthat come with growing up, like
an overview of how their body isgoing to change as they get
older.
Then, between the ages of 11and 14, is when we really get
into puberty.
We want to have deeperdiscussions about preparing for
marriage and addressing culturalmessages that they're going to
(21:11):
encounter, maybe their sexualidentity, their sexual
preferences, those types ofthings that they're going to
encounter out in the world, andit's important for you to know
what those messages are thatthey're getting, so that you can
give them the right informationor the information that
correlates with your familyvalues at home Between the ages
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of 15 and 18, now we want tostart talking about dating.
We want to talk about havingappropriate boundaries for our
sexuality, preparing formarriage, understanding sexual
desire is normal but requiresself-control.
I think it's so important toaddress the feelings that will
get stirred up as our kids spendtime with the opposite sex,
(21:56):
especially those feelings ofattraction, that those are not
something to be afraid of, thatGod gave us those stirrings,
those feelings, to prepare usfor sexuality within marriage.
But it does require someself-control.
We want to make sure that wedon't overwhelm them with
information that they're notready for, but also that we
(22:19):
don't withhold information thatthey need to make good decisions
.
So that's I Make sure we'regiving our kids really good
information.
The V in DRIVE stands for values.
We want to make sure that we'regrounding everything in our
family values.
This is what sets your sexeducation apart from what they
(22:41):
would get anywhere else.
Every conversation should beanchored in your worldview and
family values about marriage,love, commitment and God's
design.
We want to consistently connectsexuality back to God's design
for marriage.
Again, we don't teach our kidsto fear driving so that they're
(23:05):
an anxious mess when theyfinally get their license.
We teach them that drivingequals freedom and
responsibility.
The same goes for sexualitywithin marriage.
We want to discuss why waitinguntil marriage isn't just a rule
, but it's wisdom for theirprotection and it will bless
them.
We want to address peerpressure and cultural messages
(23:27):
through the lens of our ownvalues.
Like I said, we don't want tojudge the other kids for making
different decisions.
We just want to talk about howtheir values differ from our
family values.
This comes into play a lot whenwe talk about chores.
Our kids do a lot of choresbecause work ethic is important
value in our family, but theyhave friends that come over and
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never have to do any chores.
It's just a difference infamily values.
Now here's something I findreally cool.
We have an older son who isnewly married and I haven't done
it yet, but eventually I wanthim and his wife to be able to
talk to our younger kids aboutsome of the blessings and gifts
(24:12):
of waiting until marriage, justso my younger kids understand
why it's so important.
I want them to explain howusing that self-control and
keeping themselves for marriagehonors God, themselves and their
future spouse, how they get toenjoy not only physical intimacy
(24:35):
and sexual intimacy withinmarriage but also emotional,
spiritual and recreationalintimacy, and what a blessing it
is to be able to share all ofthat within the commitment and
covenant of marriage.
So something very prominent isthat the world tells us that if
you love someone you should havesex with them.
But God's version of love saysif you love someone, you wait
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until you can offer them yourwhole life in marriage, not just
your body.
For the moment, these are ourfamily values and what I hope to
instill into my children,because I know they're going to
get exposed to so many differentlies and I want them to be able
to filter it through that lensof what we teach them is
(25:22):
important for us and our family.
It's not a foolproof plan, butit's way more effective than
just hoping and praying.
They'll know what our familystands for.
So that's the V values, andthen the E stands for
expectation.
I get so passionate about thisright here Build positive
(25:44):
anticipation for marriage.
Perhaps the most importantelement of all of this is that
we're not just teaching themwhat not to do what they can't
do, what they shouldn't do, butwe're creating excitement and
anticipation for what they getto do once they're married,
where they get to go once theyhave their driver's license
(26:06):
right.
It's a freedom that comes oncethey've met the requirements.
So this is like the lookingforward to getting your driver's
license, looking forward toexperiencing all there is to
experience once they're married.
So when you talk about sexanytime you talk about sex, talk
about marriage as somethingwonderful that they get to
(26:29):
anticipate, like that gift fromGod to married couples.
Share appropriate stories aboutjoy and intimacy in your own
marriage.
A good example of this is rightbefore my son got married.
He spent the night with ourfamily and I remember asking if
he had any questions about thewedding night and he shared with
(26:51):
me this really cool experienceabout him and his fiance and how
they read a book together aboutsexual intimacy within marriage
and they talked about thethings that they were nervous
about and the questions thatthey had and they found answers
and so that both of them feltmuch more confident going into
that wedding night.
But also he knew that he couldask me anything and I fully
(27:15):
intend on having conversationswith my married children if they
feel comfortable which Iimagine they will, because it's
a topic that we talk about inour family openly, about their
questions, their challenges,their different ideas about sex
within marriage.
It is something so special andso sacred, but I don't want them
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to be scared about it.
I want them to look forward toit.
You want to talk about thewedding night and the honeymoon
as things to look forward to andget excited about, not just for
the man, but also for the woman.
You want to help your childrenunderstand that waiting until
marriage makes all of thoseexperiences more meaningful.
(27:58):
I've encouraged my kids to prayfor their future spouses and to
prepare themselves to be goodspouses, and this is a great way
to do it.
When your kids connect sexualanticipation with commitment,
security and lifelong love,they're not going to want to
experiment with it outside ofmarriage because they'll know
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that it's something that theyget to experience together for
the first time.
So let's review the driveframework.
Is D dialogue.
Make sure you're talking oftenand openly about sex and
sexuality to your children.
R stands for respect.
We want to respect our bodiesand our sexuality and God's
(28:43):
design for marriage.
I stands for information.
We want to make sure, asparents, we're giving our
children appropriate informationthat's not overwhelming, but
also the information thatthey'll need to make informed
decisions.
The V stands for values.
We want to make sure thateverything we teach to our
(29:04):
children are in line with ourfamily's values, so they will
have the filter by which to siftthrough information that comes
from the world, from culture,from Hollywood and the decisions
that they want to makeregarding sex and sexuality.
And finally, the E stands forexpectation.
And finally, the E stands forexpectation.
(29:29):
We want them to be excited andanticipate the freedom of their
own sex and sexuality withinmarriage.
All right.
So putting that drive frameworkinto practice, just remember
that, just like learning how todrive takes time, practice and
patience.
Drive takes time, practice andpatience.
Teaching our children aboutsexuality is also a process.
So some days the conversationsare going to go really smooth
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and you're like this is great,my kid's going to be a great
driver.
But other days might befrustrating, like teaching a
teenager how to parallel park.
It's not going to go smoothly,but that's okay.
The important thing is that youkeep trying.
It's that you keep having theseconversations and that you help
your children understand thatyou are a safe, nonjudgmental
(30:12):
place to ask questions.
Be curious, get informationthat aligns with their values.
Keep your eyes on the long-termgoal, which is, for me, raising
children who will enter intomarriage with healthy
anticipation, proper informationand strong values that will
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serve them well throughout theirmarriage.
The long-term vision I'mtalking about is that our kids
will enter into marriage withhealthy expectations and
excitement for sexual intimacy.
That they will understand theirbodies and their sexuality as
gifts to be treasured and sharedwith their partner.
That they will be able to makewise decisions during their
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single years, based onunderstanding, not ignorance.
That they'll be able tocommunicate openly with their
future spouses about intimacy.
This is such a big one.
If they're used to talkingabout sex and sexuality with
their parents and siblings,they're going to be able to take
that ease and communicationinto their marriage with their
(31:19):
spouse, which is so important increating a healthy, thriving
sex life.
So in conclusion, to wrap thisall up, the driver's license
analogy reminds us thatpreparation, timing and proper
context matter when it comes toboth driving and sexual intimacy
.
We don't keep our children fromlearning about cars because
(31:41):
driving can be dangerous.
We teach them to drive safelyand responsibly.
Similarly, we shouldn't keepour children from learning about
sexuality because it can bedangerous.
We teach them to understand itas a sacred gift meant to be
enjoyed within the covenant ofmarriage.
As I said at the beginning ofthis episode, if we do not teach
(32:04):
our children about sex andsexuality, somebody else will,
and we may not like the results.
The choice is ours and our kidsare counting on us to get this
right.
If you have any questions aboutanything that we discussed in
this episode, or you would likeadditional resources to talk to
your children about sex andsexuality, please do not
(32:28):
hesitate to reach out to me.
Monnie, at monicatanercom, wecan keep this dialogue open and
ongoing and I'm happy to provideyou with any resources or
experiences that I've had in my22 years of raising children.
So I will see you all next weekand until then, happy
(32:50):
marriaging.
Hello and welcome to the Secrets of Happily Ever
After podcast.
I'm your host, monica Tanner,and I have been working on
today's topic for quite a while,and I'm really excited to share
this framework with you, andit's all about how to teach our
kids about healthy sexuality.
(00:21):
I've come up with an acronymthat I'm very excited to teach
you, based around how you'regoing to have these discussions
and teach your kids healthysexuality in preparation for
marriage.
So, before we get started onthe actual episode, I want to
let you know that I am so giddyabout the progress of my new
(00:43):
book, bad Marriage Advice, whichis coming out really soon, and
I want to offer you theopportunity to be part of my
launch team, which has a wholebunch of really cool benefits.
First off, you're going to getbehind the scenes of the whole
publishing process.
So if you've ever wanted towrite a book or you're curious
(01:04):
what publishing a book entails,I'm going to give you all the
details about how that came tobe.
Plus, you're going to be partof an exclusive group.
We're going to have a Facebookgroup, and in there will be lots
of my friends that are expertson all different aspects of
(01:24):
marriage, so you'll get to be inthat Facebook group.
We're going to have specialguests.
You're going to be able to askquestions on topics related to
the book and related to othertopics in marriage.
You're going to get first dibson everything that comes out
around the book.
We're going to do some reallycool activities and bonuses.
(01:47):
So if you're interested injoining the launch team for bad
marriage advice, email me,monnie at monicatanercom, and
I'll get you on that list.
All right now to today'sepisode.
Like I said, I've been workingon this analogy for a little
while, ever since I did apodcast and I was asked how I
(02:10):
would teach and prepare kids toenjoy sex more fully in marriage
, and I feel very passionateabout this topic because the
reality is, if we don't teachour kids about sex and sexuality
, somebody else absolutely will,and they probably aren't going
to do it the way we would likeit done.
(02:31):
So, whether our kids learn fromtheir peers sharing
misinformation on the playground, distorted portrayals in the
media or fragmentedconversations that they overhear
, our children will learn aboutsex.
So the question isn't whetheror not they will receive this
education.
It's whether or not we, asparents, will take the lead in
(02:55):
shaping their understanding withtruth, wisdom and our family
values.
So this analogy that I kind ofcame up with in this interview
that I did was comparing gettingyour driver's license to
getting your marriage license.
So I want you to think abouthow you approach driving with
(03:18):
your kids.
We don't use fear tactics ortell them that cars are
dangerous or forbidden.
Instead, we teach them thatdriving is a privilege that
comes with added responsibility.
They understand from an earlyage that driving requires
preparation and education, thatthere's an appropriate age and
(03:42):
maturity level for thisresponsibility.
They understand that a licenserepresents readiness and legal
permission in order to drive.
They understand that the skillsthey learn in their driver's ed
classes not only keep them safebut also everybody else on the
road.
And, most importantly, theyunderstand that driving without
(04:05):
preparation or permission hasserious consequences.
Right, they will mostdefinitely get a ticket.
They might get arrested.
They might have a prolongedperiod of time before they can
get their actual license.
There are consequences fordisregarding the laws around
having a driver's license.
(04:26):
Similarly, when we framesexuality within marriage like a
driver's license, we'reteaching our children that
sexual intimacy is a beautifulgift and a privilege that
requires preparation andresponsibility, that there's
wisdom in waiting for the righttime and the right context which
(04:48):
I teach is marriage.
They understand that marriagerepresents the commitment and
maturity needed for this sacredresponsibility and that learning
about sexuality inage-appropriate ways protects
and prepares them to be able toenjoy this freedom within
(05:08):
marriage.
Now, similarly as the driver'slicense, acting outside of this
framework can have emotional,spiritual and physical
consequences.
So before I teach you myframework for how to teach your
children about healthy sex andsexuality, I want to address
(05:31):
some serious misconceptions andmyths that a lot of us have to
overcome before we can havethese conversations.
So the first myth is that if wedon't talk about sex, our kids
won't think about it, which is ahuge misconception, because
even if you're super vigilantabout what they're watching and
(05:55):
listening to and what they'reexposed to, children just are
naturally curious about theirown bodies and sexuality.
When we don't talk about it,our kids learn that this is not
something we discuss, and so itcreates a lot of shame,
unhealthy curiosity andmisinformation on the topic.
(06:17):
So we definitely don't want tojust stay silent on this issue.
Number two if we talk about sex, it will encourage promiscuity.
Now I can understand where thisidea comes from, but so many
research studies have shown thatcomprehensive, value-based
(06:38):
sexual education actually delayssexual activity and promotes
healthier decision-making.
Knowledge paired with clearvalues creates wisdom and
responsibility, not recklessness.
The third myth is that if wehave the talk, it will be
sufficient.
(06:58):
But the reality is is thatsexual education, just like
driver's education, is a processthat unfolds over time and it
takes years, withage-appropriate conversation,
not one uncomfortable discussion.
Studies show that kids that areexposed to their parents'
(07:20):
physical displays of affectionare more secure and more
prepared for emotional, physicaland sexual intimacy within
marriage.
So I'm not suggesting that youdo anything inappropriate in
front of your children, butkissing, hugging, holding hands,
affectionate touch will prepareyour children to enjoy their
(07:43):
sexuality more fully withinmarriage.
The fourth myth is one I getpretty passionate about, and
it's that fear-based messagingwill somehow protect our
children from making bad choices.
The reality is that teachingthrough fear creates shame,
anxiety and often a lot ofrebellion.
When we present sexuality asinherently dangerous, bad or
(08:06):
dirty rather than sacred, we robour children of the ability to
embrace it joyfully withinmarriage.
Now, something I've heard a tonis this idea of no, no, no, go,
go, go right.
We teach that it's dangerous,that it's bad, that it's like
playing with fire that we shouldstay away from it at all costs
and then somehow expect our kidsto flip a switch once they're
(08:29):
married and all of a suddenthink that it's awesome.
So we need to be very, very,very careful of the fear-based
messaging that we put around sexand sexuality.
And then the fifth and finalmyth I want to just bring up is
that children should learneverything from their parents or
nothing at all.
(08:50):
So again, while parents shouldlead these conversations,
pretending that the worlddoesn't exist is super naive.
Your kids are going to getsexual messaging from movies
they watch, from school, fromtheir peers.
So what is most important whenwe start these discussions in
(09:11):
our family is teaching them ourfamily values so they can filter
what they learn and what theysee through the values that
we've taught them.
So a good example of this iswhen our kids' friends might be
doing things more promiscuousthan we would want our children
to do and they might bring it tous and say, oh, so-and-so is
(09:34):
making out in the hallway atschool, or so-and-so is sexually
active, or so-and-so ispregnant out of wedlock, right.
Instead of freaking out,judging those friends, telling
our kids to stay away from them,we just talk about how their
values might differ from ourvalues in the same type of way
(09:56):
that maybe so-and-so's familygets a brand new car of their
choosing right on their 16thbirthday and maybe our kids get
like a hand-me-down car that allof their siblings have driven
right.
So it's just a little bitdifferent in values.
We're not judging the otherfamilies or their friends and
their decision-making.
(10:16):
We're just helping our kidsunderstand how to filter their
decisions through our familyvalues.
It's important that theyunderstand what our values are
and why they're important.
Okay, so with that, I'm reallyexcited to teach you this
acronym or framework that Icreated around how to talk to
(10:39):
our children about sex andsexuality, and the acronym is
actually DRIVE, which is so fun,right?
Because that's the wholeanalogy of getting your driver's
license waiting until marriage,right?
So just as we teach our kids todrive safely and responsibly,
we can use this same frameworkto guide our approach to sexual
(11:00):
education in our families.
So the D in DRIVE stands fordialogue, meaning we want to
keep these conversations openand ongoing.
So sexual education is notabout the destination or the end
result.
It's about the ongoing dialoguethat you're having with your
kids throughout their lives.
(11:21):
Really, just as we don't teachour kids about cars in one
conversation or wait untilthey're almost 16 to start
talking about driving, weshouldn't approach sexuality as
just one single talk thathappens right before they need
it.
So we want to start with simple, age appropriate conversations
when children are young.
So, for example, we want toteach them that body parts have
(11:45):
proper names and that bodies arespecial and certain parts of
them we keep private.
That we should be in charge ofwho touches us and when.
Right, these types ofconversations can start really
young and keep being built uponall throughout their growing up,
puberty, getting married andbeyond.
(12:05):
Right.
So build on previousconversations as they mature.
We want to create a familyculture where questions are
welcome and not shut down, justlike sharing things that they're
seeing and learning at schoolor in movies.
That we welcome them, that wewant to talk to them about it,
that we're not going to shamethem or shut them down or judge
(12:29):
other people around it, that wejust merely want to use it as
conversations and to share ourfamily values with them.
So the other important thing isreally to use everyday moments
as teaching opportunities.
So, for example, when we seepregnant women, or if somebody
in our family is pregnant, wecan talk about that, maybe using
(12:51):
incoming wedding announcementsto start the conversation, or
even when we come across scenesin movies or books.
The last thing we want to do isshow or teach our kids that we
cannot talk about or toleratethese types of conversations
with them.
So make sure that you'rebringing it up that it's
nonchalant, that it's notsomething they have to get
(13:14):
worried about, like, oh my gosh,mom's talking about sex again,
that it's just an easy part ofour everyday conversations.
I want you to check in regularlywith your kids rather than
waiting for them to come to you.
A good example of this isregularly asking them do you
have any questions about yourchanging body, about your period
(13:35):
or growing hair or how to takecare of your changing body?
Right, like?
All of those things areimportant things that we want
our kids to come to us about,but if they're not coming to us,
we want to check in with themabout it.
The last thing we want is forthem to feel ashamed or bad or
like something has gone wrongbecause we're not able to talk
(13:58):
about it.
And last but not least, rememberthat dialogue goes both ways.
We want to be listening totheir curiosities, to their
questions, to their concerns andobservations.
One of the things I love ishaving all the kids at my house
and in order to do that weprovide a lot of food for them,
because then I kind of have myhand on the pulse of what's
(14:20):
going on in the friend groupwho's dating who, who's talking
to who the difference betweenthose two terms.
You don't have to be obnoxiousabout knowing all of the gossip,
but when you can have thoseconversations with your kids, it
helps you be more relatable andmore helpful when it comes to
sex and sexuality.
(14:41):
So the D stands for dialogue.
You want to talk openly andoften about the things that your
kids are experiencing andwondering about.
All right, moving on to the R,the R stands for respect.
We want to teach our kids torespect their body and their
sexuality as sacred.
(15:01):
So this is where we move beyondjust the biological information
to the heart of our values.
We always want to attachanything we're teaching our kids
about sex or sexuality to ourfamily values.
We're teaching our kids thatsexuality isn't just the
physicality of it, but that it'sa sacred gift from God meant to
(15:24):
be treasured and protected.
So we want to make sure thatwe're teaching the proper
anatomical names for body partswithout shame or embarrassment.
I always suggest that parentspractice in the mirror saying
penis, vagina, orgasm,masturbation.
Practice saying it to yourselfin the mirror and practice
(15:46):
saying it to your spouse so thatyou can say vagina and elbow
with the same amount of emotion,so your kids aren't like
triggering you when you'retrying to have these
conversations about body parts.
Explain that bodies are made byGod, that you are created in
his image, that God doesn't makemistakes.
(16:08):
Body image is so important toour children's developing
sexuality.
There's nothing wrong withwanting to be more healthy, but
helping our kids have a healthybody image.
Whether they're short or tall,big or small, lean or muscular,
we want them to feel comfortablein their own bodies.
(16:29):
We want to establishappropriate boundaries for
privacy and touch.
So this means havingconversations in your family
about knocking on doors beforeentering, especially the
bathroom.
We want to talk about parts ofour body that are not
appropriate to allow others totouch and what to do if somebody
does violate our comfort levelwhen it comes to touch.
(16:53):
You want your kids to be ableto come to you with that
information so that you can talkthrough it with them.
We never want them to beashamed or unable to let us know
if something is going on thatfeels inappropriate.
We want to model respect in ourown marriage relationships.
(17:14):
Now, I am a huge proponent ofaffectionate touch.
I think it's so important forkids to see their moms and dads
kissing and hugging and brushingagainst each other, holding
hands, but that means maybe notgrabbing each other in
inappropriate ways withoutconsent in front of your kids,
(17:34):
because we don't want to modelsomething inappropriate that we
wouldn't want them to feelcomfortable with.
Maybe until you have adultchildren, once your kids are all
married, go for it.
But modeling appropriate touchis really important.
We also want to make sure thatwe're discussing the differences
between how God designedsexuality and how the world
(17:55):
often portrays it.
So sure our kids, just walkingaround are going to see lots of
inappropriate displays oftouching or sexuality, maybe
even the way other people dressor their public displays of
affection and again, we don'twant to judge those people, only
help our kids filter theirbehavior through our family
(18:18):
values.
One of the coolest things I readsomewhere is that how important
it is to talk about sexualintimacy as God's wedding gift
to married couples.
So the idea is you don't wantto open your gifts before
Christmas morning because thatwould ruin the surprise and the
special, sacred nature ofopening your Christmas gifts, in
(18:41):
the same sense as we want tokeep our sexuality special as a
gift to be opened after we getmarried.
The way we phrase that is Godhas asked us to wait for
marriage so that we canexperience the gift of our
sexuality to the fullest.
So R stands for respect.
(19:02):
How do we respect our bodiesand our sexuality?
Moving on the?
I in drive stands forinstruction, meaning make sure
you're providing age-appropriateeducation for your children all
along the way, just likedriver's education, there's a
curriculum to follow.
We provide information thatmatches their developmental
(19:23):
stage and emotional maturity,building foundational knowledge
that they'll need for healthydecision-making.
That goes for driving and forsexuality.
So I did study childdevelopment in college.
It was one of my majors.
So I'm going to give you just avery rough outline of what you
can teach your kids at differentdevelopmental stages.
(19:45):
But if you're curious and youwant more information about this
, there are wonderful bookswritten for every single one of
these age groups that I'm happyto put together a resource for
you.
Just let me know that'ssomething you're interested in
at monnieatmonicatanercom andI'll do my best to put that
together for you.
But just a rough outline.
(20:06):
Between the ages of three andsix teach your kids basic body
awareness, privacy, appropriateversus inappropriate touch.
So even at the young agebetween three and six, we can
teach our kids what appropriatetouch is versus inappropriate
touch and how to handleinappropriate touches, whether
(20:27):
it happens on the playground orwith family or friends.
It's important that theyunderstand that they can come to
you no matter what.
Between the ages of seven and10, we want to teach them more
detailed anatomy.
This is when it's going to bereally important for you to be
able to say those anatomicalwords.
We want to teach them thebasics of reproduction and the
(20:49):
emotional and physical changesthat come with growing up, like
an overview of how their body isgoing to change as they get
older.
Then, between the ages of 11and 14, is when we really get
into puberty.
We want to have deeperdiscussions about preparing for
marriage and addressing culturalmessages that they're going to
(21:11):
encounter, maybe their sexualidentity, their sexual
preferences, those types ofthings that they're going to
encounter out in the world, andit's important for you to know
what those messages are thatthey're getting, so that you can
give them the right informationor the information that
correlates with your familyvalues at home Between the ages
(21:32):
of 15 and 18, now we want tostart talking about dating.
We want to talk about havingappropriate boundaries for our
sexuality, preparing formarriage, understanding sexual
desire is normal but requiresself-control.
I think it's so important toaddress the feelings that will
get stirred up as our kids spendtime with the opposite sex,
(21:56):
especially those feelings ofattraction, that those are not
something to be afraid of, thatGod gave us those stirrings,
those feelings, to prepare usfor sexuality within marriage.
But it does require someself-control.
We want to make sure that wedon't overwhelm them with
information that they're notready for, but also that we
(22:19):
don't withhold information thatthey need to make good decisions
.
So that's I Make sure we'regiving our kids really good
information.
The V in DRIVE stands for values.
We want to make sure that we'regrounding everything in our
family values.
This is what sets your sexeducation apart from what they
(22:41):
would get anywhere else.
Every conversation should beanchored in your worldview and
family values about marriage,love, commitment and God's
design.
We want to consistently connectsexuality back to God's design
for marriage.
Again, we don't teach our kidsto fear driving so that they're
(23:05):
an anxious mess when theyfinally get their license.
We teach them that drivingequals freedom and
responsibility.
The same goes for sexualitywithin marriage.
We want to discuss why waitinguntil marriage isn't just a rule
, but it's wisdom for theirprotection and it will bless
them.
We want to address peerpressure and cultural messages
(23:27):
through the lens of our ownvalues.
Like I said, we don't want tojudge the other kids for making
different decisions.
We just want to talk about howtheir values differ from our
family values.
This comes into play a lot whenwe talk about chores.
Our kids do a lot of choresbecause work ethic is important
value in our family, but theyhave friends that come over and
(23:50):
never have to do any chores.
It's just a difference infamily values.
Now here's something I findreally cool.
We have an older son who isnewly married and I haven't done
it yet, but eventually I wanthim and his wife to be able to
talk to our younger kids aboutsome of the blessings and gifts
(24:12):
of waiting until marriage, justso my younger kids understand
why it's so important.
I want them to explain howusing that self-control and
keeping themselves for marriagehonors God, themselves and their
future spouse, how they get toenjoy not only physical intimacy
(24:35):
and sexual intimacy withinmarriage but also emotional,
spiritual and recreationalintimacy, and what a blessing it
is to be able to share all ofthat within the commitment and
covenant of marriage.
So something very prominent isthat the world tells us that if
you love someone you should havesex with them.
But God's version of love saysif you love someone, you wait
(24:59):
until you can offer them yourwhole life in marriage, not just
your body.
For the moment, these are ourfamily values and what I hope to
instill into my children,because I know they're going to
get exposed to so many differentlies and I want them to be able
to filter it through that lensof what we teach them is
(25:22):
important for us and our family.
It's not a foolproof plan, butit's way more effective than
just hoping and praying.
They'll know what our familystands for.
So that's the V values, andthen the E stands for
expectation.
I get so passionate about thisright here Build positive
(25:44):
anticipation for marriage.
Perhaps the most importantelement of all of this is that
we're not just teaching themwhat not to do what they can't
do, what they shouldn't do, butwe're creating excitement and
anticipation for what they getto do once they're married,
where they get to go once theyhave their driver's license
(26:06):
right.
It's a freedom that comes oncethey've met the requirements.
So this is like the lookingforward to getting your driver's
license, looking forward toexperiencing all there is to
experience once they're married.
So when you talk about sexanytime you talk about sex, talk
about marriage as somethingwonderful that they get to
(26:29):
anticipate, like that gift fromGod to married couples.
Share appropriate stories aboutjoy and intimacy in your own
marriage.
A good example of this is rightbefore my son got married.
He spent the night with ourfamily and I remember asking if
he had any questions about thewedding night and he shared with
(26:51):
me this really cool experienceabout him and his fiance and how
they read a book together aboutsexual intimacy within marriage
and they talked about thethings that they were nervous
about and the questions thatthey had and they found answers
and so that both of them feltmuch more confident going into
that wedding night.
But also he knew that he couldask me anything and I fully
(27:15):
intend on having conversationswith my married children if they
feel comfortable which Iimagine they will, because it's
a topic that we talk about inour family openly, about their
questions, their challenges,their different ideas about sex
within marriage.
It is something so special andso sacred, but I don't want them
(27:36):
to be scared about it.
I want them to look forward toit.
You want to talk about thewedding night and the honeymoon
as things to look forward to andget excited about, not just for
the man, but also for the woman.
You want to help your childrenunderstand that waiting until
marriage makes all of thoseexperiences more meaningful.
(27:58):
I've encouraged my kids to prayfor their future spouses and to
prepare themselves to be goodspouses, and this is a great way
to do it.
When your kids connect sexualanticipation with commitment,
security and lifelong love,they're not going to want to
experiment with it outside ofmarriage because they'll know
(28:21):
that it's something that theyget to experience together for
the first time.
So let's review the driveframework.
Is D dialogue.
Make sure you're talking oftenand openly about sex and
sexuality to your children.
R stands for respect.
We want to respect our bodiesand our sexuality and God's
(28:43):
design for marriage.
I stands for information.
We want to make sure, asparents, we're giving our
children appropriate informationthat's not overwhelming, but
also the information thatthey'll need to make informed
decisions.
The V stands for values.
We want to make sure thateverything we teach to our
(29:04):
children are in line with ourfamily's values, so they will
have the filter by which to siftthrough information that comes
from the world, from culture,from Hollywood and the decisions
that they want to makeregarding sex and sexuality.
And finally, the E stands forexpectation.
And finally, the E stands forexpectation.
(29:29):
We want them to be excited andanticipate the freedom of their
own sex and sexuality withinmarriage.
All right.
So putting that drive frameworkinto practice, just remember
that, just like learning how todrive takes time, practice and
patience.
Drive takes time, practice andpatience.
Teaching our children aboutsexuality is also a process.
So some days the conversationsare going to go really smooth
(29:50):
and you're like this is great,my kid's going to be a great
driver.
But other days might befrustrating, like teaching a
teenager how to parallel park.
It's not going to go smoothly,but that's okay.
The important thing is that youkeep trying.
It's that you keep having theseconversations and that you help
your children understand thatyou are a safe, nonjudgmental
(30:12):
place to ask questions.
Be curious, get informationthat aligns with their values.
Keep your eyes on the long-termgoal, which is, for me, raising
children who will enter intomarriage with healthy
anticipation, proper informationand strong values that will
(30:34):
serve them well throughout theirmarriage.
The long-term vision I'mtalking about is that our kids
will enter into marriage withhealthy expectations and
excitement for sexual intimacy.
That they will understand theirbodies and their sexuality as
gifts to be treasured and sharedwith their partner.
That they will be able to makewise decisions during their
(30:56):
single years, based onunderstanding, not ignorance.
That they'll be able tocommunicate openly with their
future spouses about intimacy.
This is such a big one.
If they're used to talkingabout sex and sexuality with
their parents and siblings,they're going to be able to take
that ease and communicationinto their marriage with their
(31:19):
spouse, which is so important increating a healthy, thriving
sex life.
So in conclusion, to wrap thisall up, the driver's license
analogy reminds us thatpreparation, timing and proper
context matter when it comes toboth driving and sexual intimacy
.
We don't keep our children fromlearning about cars because
(31:41):
driving can be dangerous.
We teach them to drive safelyand responsibly.
Similarly, we shouldn't keepour children from learning about
sexuality because it can bedangerous.
We teach them to understand itas a sacred gift meant to be
enjoyed within the covenant ofmarriage.
As I said at the beginning ofthis episode, if we do not teach
(32:04):
our children about sex andsexuality, somebody else will,
and we may not like the results.
The choice is ours and our kidsare counting on us to get this
right.
If you have any questions aboutanything that we discussed in
this episode, or you would likeadditional resources to talk to
your children about sex andsexuality, please do not
(32:28):
hesitate to reach out to me.
Monnie, at monicatanercom, wecan keep this dialogue open and
ongoing and I'm happy to provideyou with any resources or
experiences that I've had in my22 years of raising children.
So I will see you all next weekand until then, happy
(32:50):
marriaging.
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