May 13, 2025 • 36 mins
Tony and Elisa DiLorenzo of One Extraordinary Marriage discuss how busy couples can rekindle intimacy and connection through intentional time together. They reveal the biggest roadblocks to intimacy are lack of meaningful conversation and diminished sexual connection, with practical solutions for couples who feel like roommates.
• The "we'll make time when..." trap leads many couples to disconnect by the time life finally slows down
• Couples who delay nurturing their relationship often reach empty nester stage feeling like strangers
• A time audit usually reveals at least 30 minutes daily that could be redirected to relationship building
• Start with just 15 minutes of connection through card games, comedy clips, or simple physical touch
• Difficult conversations may require a third-party facilitator to create safe space for both partners
• Internal forgiveness work is essential for moving past resentment without necessarily verbalizing it
• Children have free will—their choices aren't always a reflection of parenting approaches
• It's never too late to transform your relationship, as demonstrated by couples married 30+ years
• More relationship resources exist now than ever before, making help accessible to all couples
Visit IntimacyMastery.com to take an assessment of your relationship and get a roadmap for improving connection over 30, 60, and 90 days.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Are we on screen?
I can't tell.
Are we on the?
Speaker 2 (00:01):
screen.
Yeah, because look at I'm faroff.
My hair is all messy looking.
Speaker 3 (00:06):
I turn off my selfie when I'm coaching because I
don't need to stare.
Speaker 2 (00:09):
But I asked because I would have been like out over
here.
Speaker 3 (00:12):
And so apparently.
Speaker 1 (00:14):
Oh, that's funny.
Am I even recording?
I am recording Cool, all right,I'm not like on.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
There you go.
You should actually put that upthere.
I would laugh.
If you put that up there.
You're like, hey, I just havinga fun conversation before we
started Check out Tony, likemaking sure his hair looks good.
Speaker 1 (00:35):
Hello and welcome to the Secrets of Happily Ever
After podcast.
I'm your host, Monica Tanner,and I brought back some of our
favorite guests.
We've had them before Tony andElisa DiLorenzo, of One
Extraordinary Marriage freshlyback from a cruise.
But I'm looking a little tannerthan you guys, so I don't know
if you guys spent enough time inthe sun.
Speaker 3 (00:56):
Well, it's all the lights in the studio, because we
are actually probably thedarkest we've ever been this
early in the year as we'rerecording Absolutely.
Speaker 2 (01:08):
We did get a lot of sun on the marriage getaway
cruise, but there did come apoint in time where we're like
we just need to be insidebecause we are out on the deck
out on the islands.
And it just got to a pointwhere it's just sort of like I
think it's time just to sort ofsit inside and just chill on the
sun.
Speaker 1 (01:21):
Very good.
Well, I watch a lot of tennisthis time of year, so I get my
color.
Speaker 2 (01:26):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (01:27):
But I'm so, so, so excited to have you guys back on
the show.
We always have the mostfantastic conversations and
today I want to talk about ourfavorite topic intimacy.
Yeah, always a good one, alwaysa good one.
So my first question for youguys is what do you guys see?
What is the biggest roadblockto intimacy that you know?
(01:49):
When couples come to see you,elisa, like what do they say?
Like we are struggling withthis.
Speaker 3 (01:57):
I think you know right now what I'm seeing is it
generally falls into one of twocamps.
One is and I literally just hada coaching call in the last
hour and this is a situationlike there's been.
There are so many distractionsthat couples lose the time to
actually have a conversation,and so when they're not having
(02:17):
those conversations that's one,that's the emotional intimacy.
The other one that reallystarts to get rocked is their
sexual intimacy, because we'renot not, we don't time for each
other, we're not connecting,we're not having conversations,
and then where's the time toactually have sex?
And so it's usually like one ortwo that I'm hearing most of
when a couple comes in forcoaching.
Speaker 2 (02:37):
Yeah, and it's interesting Elisa brings those
up because, as you know, monica,for those of you who are
listening, it's an honor and ablessing to be here with you.
Monica and I and us we've knowneach other for many years and
get to talk.
And Monica knows that we movedto Naples, florida, from San
Diego eight months ago now Ithink it is eight, nine months
(02:58):
ago and that transition has madea change in me because, coming
from San Diego and we livedthere 21 years saw that County
grow and explode in the thebusyness of life, and we come to
Naples, southwest Florida, comein the middle of summer, it's
pretty chill and I even foundfor myself like I think life
catches us, especially in thisemotional intimacy area where
(03:21):
it's like we need to find time,but life is just moving and
moving, and moving, so we neverfind time to just relax.
And moving to Southwest Florida, I've been practicing that and
it's tough, um, especially whenyou live in a place where you're
constantly moving and you gotkids and you got a full life and
, and so finding time to havespaces is beneficial and it's
(03:44):
needed, but it's tough to getthere.
Speaker 1 (03:47):
Yeah, I agree, and I also think I think it's pretty
common and pretty easy to fallinto this We'll make time for
our relationship when right,Because you're locked into your
relationship, You're like we'remarried, we have vows, you know,
but right now we've got a grindon our business, We've got
these children, you know all ofthese activities and things like
(04:07):
that.
But it's fine, because lifewill slow down eventually.
Has that been your experience?
Speaker 3 (04:13):
Well, you know, the challenge is is that you know
the kids get older, theirproblems shift.
You know, yes, they move out,they get married, they do their
kinds of things, but you have adifferent role with your adult
children than you do with yourtoddlers.
But you know, if you're notintentional, where you find your
time is, we're so disconnected,we're doing separate things and
(04:34):
I've got all the time in theworld to do what I want to do,
but we don't make time to do thethings that we want to do or
the things that will actuallykeep us together as a couple.
So so, yeah, I mean a lot ofthose people.
They're right, things will slowdown, but you might not be
married when things slow down orhappy right.
You know it's very easy to betogether and discontent.
Speaker 2 (04:57):
And we see a lot of folks who are empty nesters, who
are that way.
Right, they get to this pointwhen, and then they get to the
place when, and then they'relike, what do we do now?
Like, who are you?
Why are we even together?
And Alisa and I, we know, andfor us, as our children were
(05:18):
growing and getting older, wehad it's funny you say that
because when we were young,married, we had nothing.
We scrapped, and we scrappedfor many years lost our home in
the Great Recession, had torebuild, but we got to a point
where it was like, no, we'regoing to start traveling, we're
going to start doing the thingswe said when, and it's been
(05:39):
really good because we starteddoing that prior to the children
graduating from high school.
And I'm so glad we did, becauseif we didn't, I don't think
we'd be traveling like we do now, because I think we would have
found some other barrier to stopus from really traveling and
seeing places and and doingthings that we like to do, which
is, you know, go see new, newcities, new towns, explore.
(06:01):
Explore Elisa loves a greatcoffee shop towns.
Speaker 1 (06:04):
Explore, explore.
Elisa loves a great coffee shop.
Speaker 3 (06:05):
That's a way to see a city.
Speaker 1 (06:07):
Yeah, yeah, I like.
I mean, when we go to differentplaces, I like to try out
whatever food is there.
I mean, yeah, same kind ofthing, yes, yes.
But I think it's reallyinteresting because most of my
clients they are older, they'vebeen married for longer and they
are at the point where lifecould potentially slow down a
little bit.
However, they weren'tintentional in the beginning of
(06:28):
their marriage and so they getto the point now where there's
so much resentment buildup theydon't really know how to be
friends.
And now they've got thisquestion do we want to spend,
like the last years of our lifewith somebody that we don't like
very much, or do we want tomove on and see if we can find
somebody else?
And so a lot of my clients arewrestling with that question.
(06:50):
Do we try to salvage what'shere, because we didn't really
put a lot of intentional effortinto this, or do we just start
over with someone who we don'thave baggage with and there's
not like all of this pent up?
You know resentment andfrustration and you know you
didn't do this and you weren't agood friend to me here and you
know all of these things.
So, yeah, I, I can definitelysee we're not making the time
(07:15):
for emotional and sexualintimacy can really really catch
up to you.
Speaker 3 (07:20):
Well, and I was gonna say I mean, I'm thinking about,
you know, folks in that stageof life and the reality is, is
that if you don't do the work toheal from all of those emotions
, the resentment, unforgiveness,bitterness, whatever that might
be, whether you do the workmarried or you do the work
before you marry again, youbetter do the work Because even
(07:41):
though that other person mightnot have the new person might
not have all that baggage,you're still coming with all
your own stuff.
And if you haven't resolvedthose issues, if you, you know,
I often say to my coachingclients I'm like you owe it to
yourself and to the relationshipto at least give it everything,
give it 100%, to see what do welook like if we actually both
(08:02):
put in 100%, if we did some ofthe dirty work, if we rolled up
our sleeves and said, okay, wedidn't do it before, yeah, we've
got some stuff we got to workthrough, we got to like.
The image that just came tomind is kind of like mucking out
the stalls, not that I'm ahorse person, but like you got
to get rid of the.
You got to get rid of the.
You know what?
Yeah.
To find out what's in there,yeah, and to see where the
treasure is.
And if you do that and you knowso many times what couples find
(08:25):
is, oh, you know.
It's like the scene in themovie hook with the kid looking
at Robin Williams and who'sPeter Pan?
And he looks at him and afterall of these challenges and
whatnot, he goes oh, there youare, peter.
And I think that there are alot of times in our marriage
that when we clean this stuffout and we get rid of, we do
business with the resentments,we start looking at our spouses
(08:46):
again.
We're like, oh, there you are,there's the person that I
married, there's the person thatI fell in love with, there's
the person that I know.
But you have to do the work,yeah.
Speaker 2 (08:58):
Yeah, you know, we were on this marriage getaway
cruise and there are two couplesI can think of similar places.
One was married 39 years.
They celebrated their 45thanniversary with us on the
cruise.
Another couple had been married37 years at the time that they
found one extraordinary marriage, both couples one it took them
(09:20):
three years, one they're at thesix year mark but found us in
those places in times where theywere stuck, where they were
contemplating do we do this, doI live this out with you or do I
go somewhere else.
And both of them, both couples,did two things.
They were intentional, they gotback on the horse and they
(09:42):
started riding it.
So they took action.
And so many, many times it'seasy when we look at our
emotional intimacy or sexualintimacy, it's easier to go like
why would I do this with youright now, when it's I can go
somewhere else?
But if we were willing to dothe work here, I would suspect
more times than not.
Again, there are times whenthere are things that are out of
control trauma from past,whatever may need to be
(10:04):
addressed.
And yet I would say more timesthan not.
If we begin to get intentional,find some time and take some
action, be it in our emotionalintimacy or sexual intimacy,
things begin to shift, thingsbegin to change and we got to
see that you know firsthand withthese couples.
Speaker 1 (10:22):
So that's really cool .
So if somebody's listening tothis episode and they're like
that's where we're at.
We have no time, we are justcaught up in the busyness of
life.
We feel like roommates.
We're just, you know, goingabout our, our daily activities,
our, our communication is supertransactional.
And sex I mean, who has timefor that?
Right?
Where do you suggest they start?
(10:43):
Like, what is the first stepout of that?
Speaker 3 (10:46):
Well, if you're my coaching client, I'd encourage
you to actually do a time auditon how you're spending your time
, because I can promise you thatthere's probably 30 minutes and
you can actually look this up.
You don't even have to do atime audit, you can go to your
usage this up.
You don't even have to do atime audit.
(11:07):
You can go to your usage onthat thing and it'll tell you
how many minutes hours you're onthat every day, and my guess is
most of us probably have atleast 30 minutes.
That shows up on that thing Onthe like, the social media, my
news channels, things like that.
You have the time, mm.
Hmm, it's not a matter ofhaving time, it's a matter of
(11:28):
choosing time.
Speaker 1 (11:29):
Yeah, okay.
So I've done my time audit andI'm like I scrolled Instagram
for an hour today.
What would you suggest?
What do I change that hour?
So, let's say, I'm like willingto give it up.
I'm like, okay, I'm going to,you know, be more careful about,
I'm going to be moreintentional with this time.
What do I do with it?
(11:50):
How do I reconnect with mypartner now?
Speaker 3 (11:52):
Well, I'm going to give you a little bit of a break
and say you don't have to giveup the full hour to start.
Okay, good.
Speaker 2 (12:01):
All of a sudden it's like whoa that we went from zero
to like a hundred.
Speaker 3 (12:05):
That's a little fast and you're going to get the
Twitch, the scrolling Twitch,and so like, let's not, let's
not go from you know, justcompletely cut it off.
I like, and one of the thingsthat Tony and I have done is
think in terms of like, what arethose 15 minute increments of
connection?
Especially if you haven't beendoing anything for years, 15
minutes is actually going tofeel like a long time.
Speaker 2 (12:26):
It will.
Speaker 3 (12:27):
I joke to my coaching clients that it's like your ice
cream moment, right Like youcan go to an ice cream store.
We live in Southwest Florida,so you know, on average probably
about 80 degrees here.
You do not have that long toeat an ice cream cone.
Speaker 2 (12:42):
You're under the gun.
It's going to melt, it's goingto melt, and if it's summer you
better just stay.
Speaker 3 (12:47):
It's 90% humidity.
Speaker 2 (12:49):
It's going to melt.
Speaker 3 (12:50):
So you think in terms of, like, what can you do in 15
minutes?
Well, you might.
I mean, one of our favoritecard games is Monopoly Deal.
You might get in, you know, ahand or two of Monopoly Deal you
might be able to pull out.
Can I say something real?
Speaker 2 (13:03):
quick with the Monopoly Deal.
It may not be this deep likewe're going to our souls and
opening up everything.
What we're talking about rightnow is how do we get started?
Yeah, that's a great start, andso just the act of playing a
game like Monopoly Deal, yahtzee, some other card game, some
(13:25):
other dice game, something thatallows you to bring in the
recreational intimacy which isthe pillar.
That's all about having fun anddoing activities together.
It just starts to open up someconversation, some laughter,
maybe a smile, but it doesn'tfeel so like I'm under the gun
or you're under the gun, where,if we were trying to sit knee to
(13:46):
knee and sit down, you know,across from each other on the
couches and we're going to havethis deep like conversation
which we haven't had in years.
Speaker 1 (13:56):
That's so smart, like Monopoly deal, or look up a
comedy clip or something andjust enjoy it and laugh together
.
Like the wisdom in that I thinkis so smart is because as
humans, we want to feel thingsand I think, like bringing out
Monopoly deal like I just got soexcited about that because I'm
(14:17):
like, oh, in me it would bringout the competitiveness right,
like I would get so, like Iwould just be like I have to win
this right and if I don't, winI'm going to be mad and then you
know it, like there'sdefinitely feeling and I'm doing
that with my partner right Likewe're, we're like bringing that
out in each other and hopefullyyou can laugh and be like, oh,
(14:38):
there she is.
There's that girl I married whodoes not like to lose, right,
like it just could be fun andrestart those emotions that
you're feeling like with eachother and around each other
again.
Speaker 2 (14:52):
Yep.
Speaker 3 (14:53):
Well, and you had mentioned earlier that you know
so many people in this phase oflife just kind of feel like
roommates, right, and if youthink about you, know your
relationship with, you knowwhether it was college roommates
or you know for most of usthat's where it was, or maybe
early twenties, before we gotmarried.
I mean, like these are yourpals, these are the people
you're hanging out with, but youknow if they're there.
If they're not there, whatever,take it or leave it.
But when you find your personright, when you get married,
(15:16):
there are all of these.
You know emotions, strongemotions, passions, if you will,
and so it's figuring out whatare the ways to jumpstart those?
What are the ways to you know,again, if we're only talking
about the 15 minutes, like wecould bring that down to five,
like a five minute window, andgo okay, like are we going to
hug one another?
Am I actually going to kiss you?
(15:37):
Are we going to sit on thecouch and just hold hands
together, not like hours uponhours upon hours of touch that
might have you cringing, butinstead engaging in those small
moments of physical intimacythat just remind you of this is
how we touch each other.
Again, right To break out ofthat roommate silo where it's
just like, whatever we're just.
You know, like I'm walking byyou in the kitchen, I don't
(15:59):
touch you, or you know walkingdown the hallway.
Speaker 2 (16:01):
Small times over time make a big impact, and I think
too often we look at socialmedia or other people and think
that what we are seeing isthey're actually doing that all
day, every day, and that's anabsolute lie.
And so even for Elise and I, wehave a lot going on.
We don't sit next to each otherat work and sit, you know, and
(16:26):
be like, hey, what are you doingover there?
I mean, I have my own space,she has her own space, and yet
we still have to do this in ourown lives and we'll play
Monopoly deal.
There will be times when we arefeeling disconnected emotionally
, like a lot's going on, there'sthings happening, and she'll do
it.
She'll be like, hey, let's playsome Monopoly deal, and I'll be
(16:51):
like we have this in us.
At times it's sort of likereally Like I'm thinking about
this and I got this on my mindand I got that on my mind, and
she's like, no, we're going toplay.
Okay, you know, one card gamein her competitiveness comes out
, my competitiveness comes out,so it's like all right, we
usually play two out of three.
Speaker 3 (17:04):
It has to be a daily winner.
Speaker 2 (17:07):
Yeah, you have to have a win, somebody has to win.
But it just gets us going againand it's just like, oh, wow,
like in that small little touchon her hand or her knee or you
know, after the game she wins, Iwin.
It's the kiss.
It just says, hey, I love you.
Fun game, thank you for doingit.
And we may go off and do ourthings afterwards, get ready for
bed, or hey, I got to go runerrands, or I got a meeting, or
(17:29):
whatever it may be.
But it's just that quickconnection point where we can at
least go.
Speaker 1 (17:34):
Hey, we had some fun today, so good.
So I want to switch gears, butnot really, because I think one
of the things that happens whenwe get older there are a lot of
couples they've done such a goodjob of avoiding the really
tough conversations that theyget to a point where they're
like not talking anymore becauseit's just too hard to talk
(17:57):
about this topic or this topicor, you know, there's been a lot
of resentment built up, likemaybe the kids made choices that
you don't agree with and youdon't want to bring it up
because that's just going tobring up a whole lot of
contention.
How do we pick up?
You know, starting to talkabout things, maybe even
scratching the surface oftalking about those things that
(18:20):
feel really difficult to talkabout.
Speaker 3 (18:22):
Well, I think for a lot of couples um, I had
coaching clients say this to methe other day sometimes it is
easier to start with afacilitator or a coach, right,
it's getting into thatenvironment where you know when
you're with a coach, you kind ofhold yourself in, not that you
aren't being vulnerable,transparent, but you know you're
going to hold your emotions incheck a little bit.
(18:43):
You might not shut down in thesame way or you might choose to
say those things because youknow that there's a third party
there that is going to mediate,facilitate, navigate that
conversation with you.
As opposed to what this couplehad told me, they're like if it
was just the two of us, we wouldjust fall back into our own old
patterns, right?
Well, you're going to shut downand you're going to storm out
(19:05):
and we're never going to talkabout that.
And people will tell you, right, every couple listening to this
, or every spouse, you know whatyour dance is when you guys get
around those touchy subjectsand so bringing in a coach like
yourself to go okay, how are wegoing to do this?
These are the topics, and thenhaving that person draw out the
conversation make it a safespace for both spouses to be
(19:29):
heard, cause I think that'swhere a lot of the shutdown
happens.
A touchy subject comes up, oneperson gets to say all of their
feelings and thoughts about it.
Then the other person tries tosay something, and the first
person's like, no, no, no, Idon't want to talk about it
anymore.
And the second person's likewell, I'm not.
What about me?
Speaker 1 (19:48):
Right.
Speaker 3 (19:49):
Cause shockingly, our spouses have feelings and
thoughts too.
It's so crazy.
Speaker 1 (19:56):
It's so crazy.
Speaker 2 (19:57):
Individual work, forgiveness.
We we have to work onforgiveness.
I think if you're stuck, um, ina place of resistance, of not
willing to have theseconversations anymore, uh,
things in the past that you'renot willing to let these
conversations anymore, things inthe past that you're not
willing to let go of, you haveto.
And Elisa and I have beenmarried 28 years, so it's not
(20:18):
like we're brand new married andyou know everything is
happy-go-lucky every single day.
Right now we're just smiling.
We've had 28 years of lifehappen and I would say over
those years we've had had had,we have, individually, have had
to extend forgiveness to oneanother, and we may say it, we
may not.
It may be something that it'sjust like I have to work through
(20:41):
.
I need to release it, I need tonot harden my heart and I need
to love my wife.
It doesn't mean I have to makethis proclamation to her that,
oh my gosh, you know what youdid to me five years ago.
I have now forgiven you.
No, it's not that it's mecoming to a place of going like
she's not perfect, I'm notperfect, and so I need to
(21:05):
release this so I can allow herin and I can allow the
conversation to begin to happen,and I think Elisa and I have
had to do that many a times overour marriage and again, not
saying that we proclaim that toone another, I'm just saying
we've had to do that multipletimes.
Speaker 1 (21:23):
Yeah, so I have a client right now and he's really
struggling because they have alarge family, they have several
children and they have there'sboys and there's girls in the
family, right, and so he feelskind of responsible for, you
know, mentoring the boys andhelping them, you know, become
(21:43):
good humans and he feels likethey are.
You know they've kind oflaunched out and they're they're
doing great things and you knowhe's really proud of the way he
mentored the boys.
But then the girls reallystruggle and so he doesn't like
who she's dating and she's notmaking great choices and he
blames his wife for not doing avery good job, kind of mentoring
slash, raising the girls, andso like he's having to do some
(22:09):
forgiveness forgiveness but alsolike just kind of rewiring,
like hey, that was both of us,like we both raised all of our
children together, and if wedidn't, then that's also on us.
Like if I wasn't a big enoughpresence in the girl's life,
that's on me, right or so or ifI didn't let you know mom, have
(22:29):
enough influence on the boys,that's also on me, right.
So how do you recommend, likeyou know, if we get to this
place where we're really lookingat our spouse, like they didn't
do well, like, yeah, I don'tlike the way they showed up, I
don't like the way they mentoredthe kids, or you know these big
grievances that are hard totalk about yeah.
Speaker 3 (22:51):
Well, before I jump into that answer, can we also
just acknowledge the fact thatour children have free will?
Speaker 2 (22:57):
Yes, and you can raise all of your kids.
Speaker 3 (23:01):
Let's just say similarly, because we know birth
order does matter in terms ofwho gets away with what.
They're just children, though,and they do their own thing, but
they do their own thing, and sosometimes the choices that they
make are not a reflection of usas parents.
They're a reflection of thematurity and development of our
children and we have loved themwell and they still make
(23:24):
bonehead decisions Like I justneed to put that out there,
because sometimes it can be easyto blame the spouse when it's
like, well, just need to putthat out there, because
sometimes it's, it can be easyto blame the spouse when it's
like, well, actually, that's,that's our 20 something.
Making a choice that we don'tagree with is going to be
disastrous.
But you know what, if he or shehas to go through that, it
stinks.
But we all had a lot of loveand whatnot from our parents and
(23:47):
we still made mistakes.
That I'm I can tell you to thisday that there are a few in our
past that I know my parentsweren't thrilled with.
Speaker 2 (23:55):
And mine.
Speaker 3 (23:56):
Right.
So so I would say that, firstand foremost, yeah, good, good
point, very good point.
And then coming to this place ofblaming your spouse or having
strong feelings about how yourspouse mentored the children.
That is definitely somethingthat you both need to work
through, because the otherspouse is going to feel it right
(24:18):
.
They're going to feel like theydon't match up, they're going
to feel like they did everythingwrong and the reality is is
that you know, the Bible saysthe two shall become one.
So we have children that aregoing.
You know this way, that twoshall become one.
So if we have children that aregoing, you know this way and
that way that was on us.
Speaker 2 (24:34):
To representation of the unit, the marriage unit.
Speaker 3 (24:38):
Right, and you know, one of the things that we talk
about to the one family, ouraudience is well, what can I do,
right, if we've got waywardchildren?
At this point in time, insteadof blaming our spouse for what
we think they didn't do right orwhatnot, hey, what can I do?
In this case, I would say tothis gentleman hey, how do you
get back involved in yourdaughter's lives?
(24:59):
Because maybe some of thesechoices that she's making, she
actually needs you as her father, not to come in and be heavy
handed, but she needs to knowwho you are in her life right
now, as she's growing up, howyou feel, in a loving way, not
an authoritarian way, about themen that she's dating right,
(25:20):
where you're just kind of likehoney, this is not, this is not
the best for you.
And so there's a realopportunity for tremendous
growth in that family dynamicbetween the husband and the wife
and between the parents and thechildren, to really kind of
write what the next chapters aregoing to be from a place of
(25:41):
like, hey, how do we do thisnext chapter?
Speaker 1 (25:44):
Well, yeah, maybe we don't like.
Maybe we don't like the earlyones, okay, yeah, yeah, and when
we know better, we do better,right, yeah, so I also have a
really good friend who sharedwith me her kids are getting
older and she doesn't like therelationship she has with her
spouse and she doesn't like that.
That's the example that they'resetting for their kids, right,
and so they have a lot ofincentive to change things, but
(26:08):
they're kind of stuck Like wedon't, like, you know, we're not
happy and we don't want ourkids to not get married or, you
know, shy away from those typesof relationships because we
didn't do a very good jobexemplifying it for them, you
know.
Speaker 2 (26:23):
Yeah, we have a cool story around that.
We have a couple in the onefamily and I got to co-officiate
both of the girls' wedding,which was such a blessing, and
we got to see them grow up alittle bit and they know, they
can tell us and they've told usthey knew when their parents
found the One, found the oneextraordinary marriage show, and
(26:46):
when they started diving intothe six pillars of intimacy and
when their marriage started tochange.
And so it's really interesting.
And they were older, they were,they were like teenagers at the
time when this happened.
But it's never too late.
Your children will see ifyou're willing to make different
choices, if you're willing tobe intentional and take action
(27:06):
with one another.
And here are these two youngwomen now.
We get to see them grow up andstart their own families.
But me being able toco-officiate it was just such an
honor because I knew what theirmom and dad had gone through
and what they were willing to doto make a change in their own
(27:27):
marriage which rippledthroughout the family.
Speaker 1 (27:31):
I love that.
That is so cool and like,really I think why we do what we
do?
Because it's not too late andyou do have such a big
responsibility to model ahealthy relationship for your
kids.
And if you don't know how to dothat, because you didn't grow
up in that or you know, nobodyever taught you like there are
(27:53):
resources available, it's nottoo late, like you can figure it
out, it's and it's so importantand crucial that you do yeah.
Speaker 3 (28:01):
Well, and I would actually say, you know, if
somebody is having that thoughtnow like I need help.
I mean, there are moreresources available now.
I think about all of the youknow, the quality materials that
you put out, that we put outLike there are more resources
now than ever before, when wewere young marrieds.
If we had had that thought, no,like a book, there were like 10
(28:21):
books A couple of books.
Right, you know, and that may bea bit of an exaggeration, but
but that's what it felt like,yeah, and now I mean I love that
you.
You know your podcast has gotsuch a history because your
audience has got the ability togo back and listen and go.
Okay, where am I?
Like I need, I need a littletweak here.
Right, it's the same thing ouraudience has.
Right, like, let's dig intothis topic and let's find a
(28:43):
topic that is addressing wherewe're at right now and let's do
something.
We don't have to stay stuck.
People don't have to stay stucknow.
I feel like that's more achoice than lack of information.
Speaker 1 (28:56):
Yeah, and it's so much easier to find help now.
I mean you can go online andlook for coaching and you can
get you know reviews from peopleyou can get honest accounts of,
you can get you knowtestimonials from people.
Like it's it's easier to checkout, you know, and and and find
(29:18):
someone who you relate to theirstory.
I mean, everybody's story isout there online now, right, and
so you don't want to takeadvice from somebody who you
wouldn't, you know, look up toRight, absolutely the way these
(29:41):
people talk about their marriageand their family and so, yeah,
and ask around, ask friends, youknow, there's no reason to
suffer in silence, there's noreason to just try and figure it
out on your own, cause there'sso many people out there online
putting their stories, you know.
You know I it's so funny Causemy husband is like I don't know
that I signed up for this, right, like he.
(30:03):
Like he is a very privateperson, but over the years he's
seen how people have benefitedfrom me telling our story and
putting our horrible decisionsor our silly arguments or
whatever out there online andhe's like, okay, I see the
benefit of this for people andso he's like you can use my
(30:26):
likeness for a price, right.
Speaker 2 (30:29):
Trying to get that NIL deal.
Yeah, exactly, it's like hey, Iwant to make something out of
this as well.
Speaker 1 (30:35):
For sure.
Speaker 2 (30:36):
You know, the biggest thing and hey, what I have seen
and I'm 51 is life can happenand we can get knocked down.
And we can get knocked down,and it can sometimes feel like
it's a lot to get back up, and Ithink we got to determine
what's the cost of us notgetting back up and when we do
(31:00):
get back up, realize thatsometimes it doesn't go exactly
the way we expect it to go, andso the healing may take longer
than what we thought, or theperson that we first reach out
to isn't a really good match.
So it means I got to findsomebody else, and that is tough
(31:21):
, and it's part of it's part oflife, though, and it's are you
willing to get out of the painthat you're in, to do something
about it?
And I think that's what itcomes down to.
And you know and I'm justthinking about Elisa and I
there's there were times whenthe pain was, was there, that it
(31:43):
was like no, we got to makechanges.
And then there are times whenthe pain's there and it's just
sort of like do I need to reallymake a change now?
And so those are different foreverybody, no matter where
they're at.
Again, if you're not willing tobe intentional and take action.
Then where are you going?
What are you doing?
And again, we've been there.
(32:05):
We've sat around and been likerocks, not willing to move, you
know, until a storm comes aroundand it's sort of like, oh,
you're going to move right nowbecause there's nothing, there's
nothing else and you could be aheavy rock.
And I've been and I've through,hiked the Pacific Crest Trail
and I've seen massive bouldersfall down mountains that you
don't think should fall downmountains.
Speaker 3 (32:26):
And we live in Florida, so you know hurricanes
are a real thing.
Speaker 2 (32:29):
You see all kinds of stuff and they move rocks and
they move trees like you wouldnever know and think about.
But I think that's the bigthing it's we could talk till
kingdom come.
Are you willing to hear whatall of us are saying and then do
something like not just listensome more because I can do that
(32:50):
too and I have but are, are youreally willing to make a step
out to see a change happen, notjust talk about it but actually
go after it?
And that is where things change.
Speaker 1 (33:02):
Yeah, I want to talk for a second about some
resources that you guys havecreated and are offering.
So I know you have thismembership for couples called
Intimacy Mastery, which soundsawesome.
Speaker 2 (33:15):
Our bestselling book and our framework is called the
Six Pillars of Intimacy.
We've talked about a number ofthese pillars here today and in
Intimacy Mastery we help you togo okay, how am I going to be
intentional and how I'm going totake action?
And so as soon as you join, wehave an assessment.
Let's assess where are you at,and then we give you an Intimacy
(33:37):
Mastery roadmap so you canstart to take action over the
next 30, 60, and 90 days.
And so through Intimacy Mastery, we have amazing couples who
are in different places andstages of life and in their
marriage, but the big thing isthat they're all willing and are
wanting to have theirextraordinary marriage.
So you can check that out atIntimacyMasterycom.
Speaker 1 (34:00):
Awesome.
Well, I just want to like throwthis in here, because I don't
trust just anyone to speak andteach my audience Like I.
You know I'm very protectiveand so this, the content that
Tony and Elisa provide throughOne Extraordinary Marriage, is
great, great resources for yourmarriage.
So I trust them explicitly withall of you.
(34:22):
So if you are in that placewhere you're like them,
explicitly with all of you.
So if you are in that placewhere you're like man, I know
that there's something dampeningthe connection in our marriage.
We need to start somewhere.
I would recommend that youstart by going to this class.
Figure out which one of theseseven intimacy or connection
killers are working on you andfigure out what to do to get
(34:43):
yourself out of it.
So thank you guys, so much foryour time.
I always love chatting with you.
I'm sure we could be here allday.
Yes always, always.
But yeah, I think we talkedabout some, some really good
things and I think, especiallyif people are listening and
they're like been married for awhile and there's some tough
conversations, or they feel likethey're not super connected, or
(35:04):
maybe they feel like roommatesand they're just not being
intentional about making thetime to create the connection
and the intimacy that theyreally want, I think we came up
with some good first steps which, if you don't have monopoly
deal we are not getting paid inany way, shape or form but that
is a good game.
Cover your assets is a reallygood one, but get like a little
(35:26):
game where you can start alittle bit of competition.
Do a time audit.
Okay, wait, maybe I should goin order.
I'm going to do the run downhere.
This is what we talked about Doa time audit, figure out where
you can find 15 to 20 minutes tospend together and then do
something fun whether that'splaying a little card game
together or finding a littlecomedy thing or a show that you
(35:48):
guys can watch together butfigure out how to spend that
time together and really make ita priority to connect.
Look into intimacy mastery andif you're ready for coaching,
you can contact either Elisa ormyself.
We do do couples coaching andwe wish you the best of luck,
because marriages should be fun.
You should be enjoying yourself, and if you're not, there's
(36:11):
plenty of things you can doabout that.
Absolutely.
Speaker 2 (36:15):
Any last words you guys?
Oh no, that was awesome.
Thank you so much.
And to all of you hey, we'rehere.
All of us are here to see.
You have an extraordinarymarriage, so go after it and
reach out.
We're here, we're available.
Speaker 1 (36:28):
Awesome.
Are we on screen?
I can't tell.
Are we on the?
Speaker 2 (00:01):
screen.
Yeah, because look at I'm faroff.
My hair is all messy looking.
Speaker 3 (00:06):
I turn off my selfie when I'm coaching because I
don't need to stare.
Speaker 2 (00:09):
But I asked because I would have been like out over
here.
Speaker 3 (00:12):
And so apparently.
Speaker 1 (00:14):
Oh, that's funny.
Am I even recording?
I am recording Cool, all right,I'm not like on.
Speaker 2 (00:22):
There you go.
You should actually put that upthere.
I would laugh.
If you put that up there.
You're like, hey, I just havinga fun conversation before we
started Check out Tony, likemaking sure his hair looks good.
Speaker 1 (00:35):
Hello and welcome to the Secrets of Happily Ever
After podcast.
I'm your host, Monica Tanner,and I brought back some of our
favorite guests.
We've had them before Tony andElisa DiLorenzo, of One
Extraordinary Marriage freshlyback from a cruise.
But I'm looking a little tannerthan you guys, so I don't know
if you guys spent enough time inthe sun.
Speaker 3 (00:56):
Well, it's all the lights in the studio, because we
are actually probably thedarkest we've ever been this
early in the year as we'rerecording Absolutely.
Speaker 2 (01:08):
We did get a lot of sun on the marriage getaway
cruise, but there did come apoint in time where we're like
we just need to be insidebecause we are out on the deck
out on the islands.
And it just got to a pointwhere it's just sort of like I
think it's time just to sort ofsit inside and just chill on the
sun.
Speaker 1 (01:21):
Very good.
Well, I watch a lot of tennisthis time of year, so I get my
color.
Speaker 2 (01:26):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (01:27):
But I'm so, so, so excited to have you guys back on
the show.
We always have the mostfantastic conversations and
today I want to talk about ourfavorite topic intimacy.
Yeah, always a good one, alwaysa good one.
So my first question for youguys is what do you guys see?
What is the biggest roadblockto intimacy that you know?
(01:49):
When couples come to see you,elisa, like what do they say?
Like we are struggling withthis.
Speaker 3 (01:57):
I think you know right now what I'm seeing is it
generally falls into one of twocamps.
One is and I literally just hada coaching call in the last
hour and this is a situationlike there's been.
There are so many distractionsthat couples lose the time to
actually have a conversation,and so when they're not having
(02:17):
those conversations that's one,that's the emotional intimacy.
The other one that reallystarts to get rocked is their
sexual intimacy, because we'renot not, we don't time for each
other, we're not connecting,we're not having conversations,
and then where's the time toactually have sex?
And so it's usually like one ortwo that I'm hearing most of
when a couple comes in forcoaching.
Speaker 2 (02:37):
Yeah, and it's interesting Elisa brings those
up because, as you know, monica,for those of you who are
listening, it's an honor and ablessing to be here with you.
Monica and I and us we've knowneach other for many years and
get to talk.
And Monica knows that we movedto Naples, florida, from San
Diego eight months ago now Ithink it is eight, nine months
(02:58):
ago and that transition has madea change in me because, coming
from San Diego and we livedthere 21 years saw that County
grow and explode in the thebusyness of life, and we come to
Naples, southwest Florida, comein the middle of summer, it's
pretty chill and I even foundfor myself like I think life
catches us, especially in thisemotional intimacy area where
(03:21):
it's like we need to find time,but life is just moving and
moving, and moving, so we neverfind time to just relax.
And moving to Southwest Florida, I've been practicing that and
it's tough, um, especially whenyou live in a place where you're
constantly moving and you gotkids and you got a full life and
, and so finding time to havespaces is beneficial and it's
(03:44):
needed, but it's tough to getthere.
Speaker 1 (03:47):
Yeah, I agree, and I also think I think it's pretty
common and pretty easy to fallinto this We'll make time for
our relationship when right,Because you're locked into your
relationship, You're like we'remarried, we have vows, you know,
but right now we've got a grindon our business, We've got
these children, you know all ofthese activities and things like
(04:07):
that.
But it's fine, because lifewill slow down eventually.
Has that been your experience?
Speaker 3 (04:13):
Well, you know, the challenge is is that you know
the kids get older, theirproblems shift.
You know, yes, they move out,they get married, they do their
kinds of things, but you have adifferent role with your adult
children than you do with yourtoddlers.
But you know, if you're notintentional, where you find your
time is, we're so disconnected,we're doing separate things and
(04:34):
I've got all the time in theworld to do what I want to do,
but we don't make time to do thethings that we want to do or
the things that will actuallykeep us together as a couple.
So so, yeah, I mean a lot ofthose people.
They're right, things will slowdown, but you might not be
married when things slow down orhappy right.
You know it's very easy to betogether and discontent.
Speaker 2 (04:57):
And we see a lot of folks who are empty nesters, who
are that way.
Right, they get to this pointwhen, and then they get to the
place when, and then they'relike, what do we do now?
Like, who are you?
Why are we even together?
And Alisa and I, we know, andfor us, as our children were
(05:18):
growing and getting older, wehad it's funny you say that
because when we were young,married, we had nothing.
We scrapped, and we scrappedfor many years lost our home in
the Great Recession, had torebuild, but we got to a point
where it was like, no, we'regoing to start traveling, we're
going to start doing the thingswe said when, and it's been
(05:39):
really good because we starteddoing that prior to the children
graduating from high school.
And I'm so glad we did, becauseif we didn't, I don't think
we'd be traveling like we do now, because I think we would have
found some other barrier to stopus from really traveling and
seeing places and and doingthings that we like to do, which
is, you know, go see new, newcities, new towns, explore.
(06:01):
Explore Elisa loves a greatcoffee shop towns.
Speaker 1 (06:04):
Explore, explore.
Elisa loves a great coffee shop.
Speaker 3 (06:05):
That's a way to see a city.
Speaker 1 (06:07):
Yeah, yeah, I like.
I mean, when we go to differentplaces, I like to try out
whatever food is there.
I mean, yeah, same kind ofthing, yes, yes.
But I think it's reallyinteresting because most of my
clients they are older, they'vebeen married for longer and they
are at the point where lifecould potentially slow down a
little bit.
However, they weren'tintentional in the beginning of
(06:28):
their marriage and so they getto the point now where there's
so much resentment buildup theydon't really know how to be
friends.
And now they've got thisquestion do we want to spend,
like the last years of our lifewith somebody that we don't like
very much, or do we want tomove on and see if we can find
somebody else?
And so a lot of my clients arewrestling with that question.
(06:50):
Do we try to salvage what'shere, because we didn't really
put a lot of intentional effortinto this, or do we just start
over with someone who we don'thave baggage with and there's
not like all of this pent up?
You know resentment andfrustration and you know you
didn't do this and you weren't agood friend to me here and you
know all of these things.
So, yeah, I, I can definitelysee we're not making the time
(07:15):
for emotional and sexualintimacy can really really catch
up to you.
Speaker 3 (07:20):
Well, and I was gonna say I mean, I'm thinking about,
you know, folks in that stageof life and the reality is, is
that if you don't do the work toheal from all of those emotions
, the resentment, unforgiveness,bitterness, whatever that might
be, whether you do the workmarried or you do the work
before you marry again, youbetter do the work Because even
(07:41):
though that other person mightnot have the new person might
not have all that baggage,you're still coming with all
your own stuff.
And if you haven't resolvedthose issues, if you, you know,
I often say to my coachingclients I'm like you owe it to
yourself and to the relationshipto at least give it everything,
give it 100%, to see what do welook like if we actually both
(08:02):
put in 100%, if we did some ofthe dirty work, if we rolled up
our sleeves and said, okay, wedidn't do it before, yeah, we've
got some stuff we got to workthrough, we got to like.
The image that just came tomind is kind of like mucking out
the stalls, not that I'm ahorse person, but like you got
to get rid of the.
You got to get rid of the.
You know what?
Yeah.
To find out what's in there,yeah, and to see where the
treasure is.
And if you do that and you knowso many times what couples find
(08:25):
is, oh, you know.
It's like the scene in themovie hook with the kid looking
at Robin Williams and who'sPeter Pan?
And he looks at him and afterall of these challenges and
whatnot, he goes oh, there youare, peter.
And I think that there are alot of times in our marriage
that when we clean this stuffout and we get rid of, we do
business with the resentments,we start looking at our spouses
(08:46):
again.
We're like, oh, there you are,there's the person that I
married, there's the person thatI fell in love with, there's
the person that I know.
But you have to do the work,yeah.
Speaker 2 (08:58):
Yeah, you know, we were on this marriage getaway
cruise and there are two couplesI can think of similar places.
One was married 39 years.
They celebrated their 45thanniversary with us on the
cruise.
Another couple had been married37 years at the time that they
found one extraordinary marriage, both couples one it took them
(09:20):
three years, one they're at thesix year mark but found us in
those places in times where theywere stuck, where they were
contemplating do we do this, doI live this out with you or do I
go somewhere else.
And both of them, both couples,did two things.
They were intentional, they gotback on the horse and they
(09:42):
started riding it.
So they took action.
And so many, many times it'seasy when we look at our
emotional intimacy or sexualintimacy, it's easier to go like
why would I do this with youright now, when it's I can go
somewhere else?
But if we were willing to dothe work here, I would suspect
more times than not.
Again, there are times whenthere are things that are out of
control trauma from past,whatever may need to be
(10:04):
addressed.
And yet I would say more timesthan not.
If we begin to get intentional,find some time and take some
action, be it in our emotionalintimacy or sexual intimacy,
things begin to shift, thingsbegin to change and we got to
see that you know firsthand withthese couples.
Speaker 1 (10:22):
So that's really cool .
So if somebody's listening tothis episode and they're like
that's where we're at.
We have no time, we are justcaught up in the busyness of
life.
We feel like roommates.
We're just, you know, goingabout our, our daily activities,
our, our communication is supertransactional.
And sex I mean, who has timefor that?
Right?
Where do you suggest they start?
(10:43):
Like, what is the first stepout of that?
Speaker 3 (10:46):
Well, if you're my coaching client, I'd encourage
you to actually do a time auditon how you're spending your time
, because I can promise you thatthere's probably 30 minutes and
you can actually look this up.
You don't even have to do atime audit, you can go to your
usage this up.
You don't even have to do atime audit.
(11:07):
You can go to your usage onthat thing and it'll tell you
how many minutes hours you're onthat every day, and my guess is
most of us probably have atleast 30 minutes.
That shows up on that thing Onthe like, the social media, my
news channels, things like that.
You have the time, mm.
Hmm, it's not a matter ofhaving time, it's a matter of
(11:28):
choosing time.
Speaker 1 (11:29):
Yeah, okay.
So I've done my time audit andI'm like I scrolled Instagram
for an hour today.
What would you suggest?
What do I change that hour?
So, let's say, I'm like willingto give it up.
I'm like, okay, I'm going to,you know, be more careful about,
I'm going to be moreintentional with this time.
What do I do with it?
(11:50):
How do I reconnect with mypartner now?
Speaker 3 (11:52):
Well, I'm going to give you a little bit of a break
and say you don't have to giveup the full hour to start.
Okay, good.
Speaker 2 (12:01):
All of a sudden it's like whoa that we went from zero
to like a hundred.
Speaker 3 (12:05):
That's a little fast and you're going to get the
Twitch, the scrolling Twitch,and so like, let's not, let's
not go from you know, justcompletely cut it off.
I like, and one of the thingsthat Tony and I have done is
think in terms of like, what arethose 15 minute increments of
connection?
Especially if you haven't beendoing anything for years, 15
minutes is actually going tofeel like a long time.
Speaker 2 (12:26):
It will.
Speaker 3 (12:27):
I joke to my coaching clients that it's like your ice
cream moment, right Like youcan go to an ice cream store.
We live in Southwest Florida,so you know, on average probably
about 80 degrees here.
You do not have that long toeat an ice cream cone.
Speaker 2 (12:42):
You're under the gun.
It's going to melt, it's goingto melt, and if it's summer you
better just stay.
Speaker 3 (12:47):
It's 90% humidity.
Speaker 2 (12:49):
It's going to melt.
Speaker 3 (12:50):
So you think in terms of, like, what can you do in 15
minutes?
Well, you might.
I mean, one of our favoritecard games is Monopoly Deal.
You might get in, you know, ahand or two of Monopoly Deal you
might be able to pull out.
Can I say something real?
Speaker 2 (13:03):
quick with the Monopoly Deal.
It may not be this deep likewe're going to our souls and
opening up everything.
What we're talking about rightnow is how do we get started?
Yeah, that's a great start, andso just the act of playing a
game like Monopoly Deal, yahtzee, some other card game, some
(13:25):
other dice game, something thatallows you to bring in the
recreational intimacy which isthe pillar.
That's all about having fun anddoing activities together.
It just starts to open up someconversation, some laughter,
maybe a smile, but it doesn'tfeel so like I'm under the gun
or you're under the gun, where,if we were trying to sit knee to
(13:46):
knee and sit down, you know,across from each other on the
couches and we're going to havethis deep like conversation
which we haven't had in years.
Speaker 1 (13:56):
That's so smart, like Monopoly deal, or look up a
comedy clip or something andjust enjoy it and laugh together
.
Like the wisdom in that I thinkis so smart is because as
humans, we want to feel thingsand I think, like bringing out
Monopoly deal like I just got soexcited about that because I'm
(14:17):
like, oh, in me it would bringout the competitiveness right,
like I would get so, like Iwould just be like I have to win
this right and if I don't, winI'm going to be mad and then you
know it, like there'sdefinitely feeling and I'm doing
that with my partner right Likewe're, we're like bringing that
out in each other and hopefullyyou can laugh and be like, oh,
(14:38):
there she is.
There's that girl I married whodoes not like to lose, right,
like it just could be fun andrestart those emotions that
you're feeling like with eachother and around each other
again.
Speaker 2 (14:52):
Yep.
Speaker 3 (14:53):
Well, and you had mentioned earlier that you know
so many people in this phase oflife just kind of feel like
roommates, right, and if youthink about you, know your
relationship with, you knowwhether it was college roommates
or you know for most of usthat's where it was, or maybe
early twenties, before we gotmarried.
I mean, like these are yourpals, these are the people
you're hanging out with, but youknow if they're there.
If they're not there, whatever,take it or leave it.
But when you find your personright, when you get married,
(15:16):
there are all of these.
You know emotions, strongemotions, passions, if you will,
and so it's figuring out whatare the ways to jumpstart those?
What are the ways to you know,again, if we're only talking
about the 15 minutes, like wecould bring that down to five,
like a five minute window, andgo okay, like are we going to
hug one another?
Am I actually going to kiss you?
(15:37):
Are we going to sit on thecouch and just hold hands
together, not like hours uponhours upon hours of touch that
might have you cringing, butinstead engaging in those small
moments of physical intimacythat just remind you of this is
how we touch each other.
Again, right To break out ofthat roommate silo where it's
just like, whatever we're just.
You know, like I'm walking byyou in the kitchen, I don't
(15:59):
touch you, or you know walkingdown the hallway.
Speaker 2 (16:01):
Small times over time make a big impact, and I think
too often we look at socialmedia or other people and think
that what we are seeing isthey're actually doing that all
day, every day, and that's anabsolute lie.
And so even for Elise and I, wehave a lot going on.
We don't sit next to each otherat work and sit, you know, and
(16:26):
be like, hey, what are you doingover there?
I mean, I have my own space,she has her own space, and yet
we still have to do this in ourown lives and we'll play
Monopoly deal.
There will be times when we arefeeling disconnected emotionally
, like a lot's going on, there'sthings happening, and she'll do
it.
She'll be like, hey, let's playsome Monopoly deal, and I'll be
(16:51):
like we have this in us.
At times it's sort of likereally Like I'm thinking about
this and I got this on my mindand I got that on my mind, and
she's like, no, we're going toplay.
Okay, you know, one card gamein her competitiveness comes out
, my competitiveness comes out,so it's like all right, we
usually play two out of three.
Speaker 3 (17:04):
It has to be a daily winner.
Speaker 2 (17:07):
Yeah, you have to have a win, somebody has to win.
But it just gets us going againand it's just like, oh, wow,
like in that small little touchon her hand or her knee or you
know, after the game she wins, Iwin.
It's the kiss.
It just says, hey, I love you.
Fun game, thank you for doingit.
And we may go off and do ourthings afterwards, get ready for
bed, or hey, I got to go runerrands, or I got a meeting, or
(17:29):
whatever it may be.
But it's just that quickconnection point where we can at
least go.
Speaker 1 (17:34):
Hey, we had some fun today, so good.
So I want to switch gears, butnot really, because I think one
of the things that happens whenwe get older there are a lot of
couples they've done such a goodjob of avoiding the really
tough conversations that theyget to a point where they're
like not talking anymore becauseit's just too hard to talk
(17:57):
about this topic or this topicor, you know, there's been a lot
of resentment built up, likemaybe the kids made choices that
you don't agree with and youdon't want to bring it up
because that's just going tobring up a whole lot of
contention.
How do we pick up?
You know, starting to talkabout things, maybe even
scratching the surface oftalking about those things that
(18:20):
feel really difficult to talkabout.
Speaker 3 (18:22):
Well, I think for a lot of couples um, I had
coaching clients say this to methe other day sometimes it is
easier to start with afacilitator or a coach, right,
it's getting into thatenvironment where you know when
you're with a coach, you kind ofhold yourself in, not that you
aren't being vulnerable,transparent, but you know you're
going to hold your emotions incheck a little bit.
(18:43):
You might not shut down in thesame way or you might choose to
say those things because youknow that there's a third party
there that is going to mediate,facilitate, navigate that
conversation with you.
As opposed to what this couplehad told me, they're like if it
was just the two of us, we wouldjust fall back into our own old
patterns, right?
Well, you're going to shut downand you're going to storm out
(19:05):
and we're never going to talkabout that.
And people will tell you, right, every couple listening to this
, or every spouse, you know whatyour dance is when you guys get
around those touchy subjectsand so bringing in a coach like
yourself to go okay, how are wegoing to do this?
These are the topics, and thenhaving that person draw out the
conversation make it a safespace for both spouses to be
(19:29):
heard, cause I think that'swhere a lot of the shutdown
happens.
A touchy subject comes up, oneperson gets to say all of their
feelings and thoughts about it.
Then the other person tries tosay something, and the first
person's like, no, no, no, Idon't want to talk about it
anymore.
And the second person's likewell, I'm not.
What about me?
Speaker 1 (19:48):
Right.
Speaker 3 (19:49):
Cause shockingly, our spouses have feelings and
thoughts too.
It's so crazy.
Speaker 1 (19:56):
It's so crazy.
Speaker 2 (19:57):
Individual work, forgiveness.
We we have to work onforgiveness.
I think if you're stuck, um, ina place of resistance, of not
willing to have theseconversations anymore, uh,
things in the past that you'renot willing to let these
conversations anymore, things inthe past that you're not
willing to let go of, you haveto.
And Elisa and I have beenmarried 28 years, so it's not
(20:18):
like we're brand new married andyou know everything is
happy-go-lucky every single day.
Right now we're just smiling.
We've had 28 years of lifehappen and I would say over
those years we've had had had,we have, individually, have had
to extend forgiveness to oneanother, and we may say it, we
may not.
It may be something that it'sjust like I have to work through
(20:41):
.
I need to release it, I need tonot harden my heart and I need
to love my wife.
It doesn't mean I have to makethis proclamation to her that,
oh my gosh, you know what youdid to me five years ago.
I have now forgiven you.
No, it's not that it's mecoming to a place of going like
she's not perfect, I'm notperfect, and so I need to
(21:05):
release this so I can allow herin and I can allow the
conversation to begin to happen,and I think Elisa and I have
had to do that many a times overour marriage and again, not
saying that we proclaim that toone another, I'm just saying
we've had to do that multipletimes.
Speaker 1 (21:23):
Yeah, so I have a client right now and he's really
struggling because they have alarge family, they have several
children and they have there'sboys and there's girls in the
family, right, and so he feelskind of responsible for, you
know, mentoring the boys andhelping them, you know, become
(21:43):
good humans and he feels likethey are.
You know they've kind oflaunched out and they're they're
doing great things and you knowhe's really proud of the way he
mentored the boys.
But then the girls reallystruggle and so he doesn't like
who she's dating and she's notmaking great choices and he
blames his wife for not doing avery good job, kind of mentoring
slash, raising the girls, andso like he's having to do some
(22:09):
forgiveness forgiveness but alsolike just kind of rewiring,
like hey, that was both of us,like we both raised all of our
children together, and if wedidn't, then that's also on us.
Like if I wasn't a big enoughpresence in the girl's life,
that's on me, right or so or ifI didn't let you know mom, have
(22:29):
enough influence on the boys,that's also on me, right.
So how do you recommend, likeyou know, if we get to this
place where we're really lookingat our spouse, like they didn't
do well, like, yeah, I don'tlike the way they showed up, I
don't like the way they mentoredthe kids, or you know these big
grievances that are hard totalk about yeah.
Speaker 3 (22:51):
Well, before I jump into that answer, can we also
just acknowledge the fact thatour children have free will?
Speaker 2 (22:57):
Yes, and you can raise all of your kids.
Speaker 3 (23:01):
Let's just say similarly, because we know birth
order does matter in terms ofwho gets away with what.
They're just children, though,and they do their own thing, but
they do their own thing, and sosometimes the choices that they
make are not a reflection of usas parents.
They're a reflection of thematurity and development of our
children and we have loved themwell and they still make
(23:24):
bonehead decisions Like I justneed to put that out there,
because sometimes it can be easyto blame the spouse when it's
like, well, just need to putthat out there, because
sometimes it's, it can be easyto blame the spouse when it's
like, well, actually, that's,that's our 20 something.
Making a choice that we don'tagree with is going to be
disastrous.
But you know what, if he or shehas to go through that, it
stinks.
But we all had a lot of loveand whatnot from our parents and
(23:47):
we still made mistakes.
That I'm I can tell you to thisday that there are a few in our
past that I know my parentsweren't thrilled with.
Speaker 2 (23:55):
And mine.
Speaker 3 (23:56):
Right.
So so I would say that, firstand foremost, yeah, good, good
point, very good point.
And then coming to this place ofblaming your spouse or having
strong feelings about how yourspouse mentored the children.
That is definitely somethingthat you both need to work
through, because the otherspouse is going to feel it right
(24:18):
.
They're going to feel like theydon't match up, they're going
to feel like they did everythingwrong and the reality is is
that you know, the Bible saysthe two shall become one.
So we have children that aregoing.
You know this way, that twoshall become one.
So if we have children that aregoing, you know this way and
that way that was on us.
Speaker 2 (24:34):
To representation of the unit, the marriage unit.
Speaker 3 (24:38):
Right, and you know, one of the things that we talk
about to the one family, ouraudience is well, what can I do,
right, if we've got waywardchildren?
At this point in time, insteadof blaming our spouse for what
we think they didn't do right orwhatnot, hey, what can I do?
In this case, I would say tothis gentleman hey, how do you
get back involved in yourdaughter's lives?
(24:59):
Because maybe some of thesechoices that she's making, she
actually needs you as her father, not to come in and be heavy
handed, but she needs to knowwho you are in her life right
now, as she's growing up, howyou feel, in a loving way, not
an authoritarian way, about themen that she's dating right,
(25:20):
where you're just kind of likehoney, this is not, this is not
the best for you.
And so there's a realopportunity for tremendous
growth in that family dynamicbetween the husband and the wife
and between the parents and thechildren, to really kind of
write what the next chapters aregoing to be from a place of
(25:41):
like, hey, how do we do thisnext chapter?
Speaker 1 (25:44):
Well, yeah, maybe we don't like.
Maybe we don't like the earlyones, okay, yeah, yeah, and when
we know better, we do better,right, yeah, so I also have a
really good friend who sharedwith me her kids are getting
older and she doesn't like therelationship she has with her
spouse and she doesn't like that.
That's the example that they'resetting for their kids, right,
and so they have a lot ofincentive to change things, but
(26:08):
they're kind of stuck Like wedon't, like, you know, we're not
happy and we don't want ourkids to not get married or, you
know, shy away from those typesof relationships because we
didn't do a very good jobexemplifying it for them, you
know.
Speaker 2 (26:23):
Yeah, we have a cool story around that.
We have a couple in the onefamily and I got to co-officiate
both of the girls' wedding,which was such a blessing, and
we got to see them grow up alittle bit and they know, they
can tell us and they've told usthey knew when their parents
found the One, found the oneextraordinary marriage show, and
(26:46):
when they started diving intothe six pillars of intimacy and
when their marriage started tochange.
And so it's really interesting.
And they were older, they were,they were like teenagers at the
time when this happened.
But it's never too late.
Your children will see ifyou're willing to make different
choices, if you're willing tobe intentional and take action
(27:06):
with one another.
And here are these two youngwomen now.
We get to see them grow up andstart their own families.
But me being able toco-officiate it was just such an
honor because I knew what theirmom and dad had gone through
and what they were willing to doto make a change in their own
(27:27):
marriage which rippledthroughout the family.
Speaker 1 (27:31):
I love that.
That is so cool and like,really I think why we do what we
do?
Because it's not too late andyou do have such a big
responsibility to model ahealthy relationship for your
kids.
And if you don't know how to dothat, because you didn't grow
up in that or you know, nobodyever taught you like there are
(27:53):
resources available, it's nottoo late, like you can figure it
out, it's and it's so importantand crucial that you do yeah.
Speaker 3 (28:01):
Well, and I would actually say, you know, if
somebody is having that thoughtnow like I need help.
I mean, there are moreresources available now.
I think about all of the youknow, the quality materials that
you put out, that we put outLike there are more resources
now than ever before, when wewere young marrieds.
If we had had that thought, no,like a book, there were like 10
(28:21):
books A couple of books.
Right, you know, and that may bea bit of an exaggeration, but
but that's what it felt like,yeah, and now I mean I love that
you.
You know your podcast has gotsuch a history because your
audience has got the ability togo back and listen and go.
Okay, where am I?
Like I need, I need a littletweak here.
Right, it's the same thing ouraudience has.
Right, like, let's dig intothis topic and let's find a
(28:43):
topic that is addressing wherewe're at right now and let's do
something.
We don't have to stay stuck.
People don't have to stay stucknow.
I feel like that's more achoice than lack of information.
Speaker 1 (28:56):
Yeah, and it's so much easier to find help now.
I mean you can go online andlook for coaching and you can
get you know reviews from peopleyou can get honest accounts of,
you can get you knowtestimonials from people.
Like it's it's easier to checkout, you know, and and and find
(29:18):
someone who you relate to theirstory.
I mean, everybody's story isout there online now, right, and
so you don't want to takeadvice from somebody who you
wouldn't, you know, look up toRight, absolutely the way these
(29:41):
people talk about their marriageand their family and so, yeah,
and ask around, ask friends, youknow, there's no reason to
suffer in silence, there's noreason to just try and figure it
out on your own, cause there'sso many people out there online
putting their stories, you know.
You know I it's so funny Causemy husband is like I don't know
that I signed up for this, right, like he.
(30:03):
Like he is a very privateperson, but over the years he's
seen how people have benefitedfrom me telling our story and
putting our horrible decisionsor our silly arguments or
whatever out there online andhe's like, okay, I see the
benefit of this for people andso he's like you can use my
(30:26):
likeness for a price, right.
Speaker 2 (30:29):
Trying to get that NIL deal.
Yeah, exactly, it's like hey, Iwant to make something out of
this as well.
Speaker 1 (30:35):
For sure.
Speaker 2 (30:36):
You know, the biggest thing and hey, what I have seen
and I'm 51 is life can happenand we can get knocked down.
And we can get knocked down,and it can sometimes feel like
it's a lot to get back up, and Ithink we got to determine
what's the cost of us notgetting back up and when we do
(31:00):
get back up, realize thatsometimes it doesn't go exactly
the way we expect it to go, andso the healing may take longer
than what we thought, or theperson that we first reach out
to isn't a really good match.
So it means I got to findsomebody else, and that is tough
(31:21):
, and it's part of it's part oflife, though, and it's are you
willing to get out of the painthat you're in, to do something
about it?
And I think that's what itcomes down to.
And you know and I'm justthinking about Elisa and I
there's there were times whenthe pain was, was there, that it
(31:43):
was like no, we got to makechanges.
And then there are times whenthe pain's there and it's just
sort of like do I need to reallymake a change now?
And so those are different foreverybody, no matter where
they're at.
Again, if you're not willing tobe intentional and take action.
Then where are you going?
What are you doing?
And again, we've been there.
(32:05):
We've sat around and been likerocks, not willing to move, you
know, until a storm comes aroundand it's sort of like, oh,
you're going to move right nowbecause there's nothing, there's
nothing else and you could be aheavy rock.
And I've been and I've through,hiked the Pacific Crest Trail
and I've seen massive bouldersfall down mountains that you
don't think should fall downmountains.
Speaker 3 (32:26):
And we live in Florida, so you know hurricanes
are a real thing.
Speaker 2 (32:29):
You see all kinds of stuff and they move rocks and
they move trees like you wouldnever know and think about.
But I think that's the bigthing it's we could talk till
kingdom come.
Are you willing to hear whatall of us are saying and then do
something like not just listensome more because I can do that
(32:50):
too and I have but are, are youreally willing to make a step
out to see a change happen, notjust talk about it but actually
go after it?
And that is where things change.
Speaker 1 (33:02):
Yeah, I want to talk for a second about some
resources that you guys havecreated and are offering.
So I know you have thismembership for couples called
Intimacy Mastery, which soundsawesome.
Speaker 2 (33:15):
Our bestselling book and our framework is called the
Six Pillars of Intimacy.
We've talked about a number ofthese pillars here today and in
Intimacy Mastery we help you togo okay, how am I going to be
intentional and how I'm going totake action?
And so as soon as you join, wehave an assessment.
Let's assess where are you at,and then we give you an Intimacy
(33:37):
Mastery roadmap so you canstart to take action over the
next 30, 60, and 90 days.
And so through Intimacy Mastery, we have amazing couples who
are in different places andstages of life and in their
marriage, but the big thing isthat they're all willing and are
wanting to have theirextraordinary marriage.
So you can check that out atIntimacyMasterycom.
Speaker 1 (34:00):
Awesome.
Well, I just want to like throwthis in here, because I don't
trust just anyone to speak andteach my audience Like I.
You know I'm very protectiveand so this, the content that
Tony and Elisa provide throughOne Extraordinary Marriage, is
great, great resources for yourmarriage.
So I trust them explicitly withall of you.
(34:22):
So if you are in that placewhere you're like them,
explicitly with all of you.
So if you are in that placewhere you're like man, I know
that there's something dampeningthe connection in our marriage.
We need to start somewhere.
I would recommend that youstart by going to this class.
Figure out which one of theseseven intimacy or connection
killers are working on you andfigure out what to do to get
(34:43):
yourself out of it.
So thank you guys, so much foryour time.
I always love chatting with you.
I'm sure we could be here allday.
Yes always, always.
But yeah, I think we talkedabout some, some really good
things and I think, especiallyif people are listening and
they're like been married for awhile and there's some tough
conversations, or they feel likethey're not super connected, or
(35:04):
maybe they feel like roommatesand they're just not being
intentional about making thetime to create the connection
and the intimacy that theyreally want, I think we came up
with some good first steps which, if you don't have monopoly
deal we are not getting paid inany way, shape or form but that
is a good game.
Cover your assets is a reallygood one, but get like a little
(35:26):
game where you can start alittle bit of competition.
Do a time audit.
Okay, wait, maybe I should goin order.
I'm going to do the run downhere.
This is what we talked about Doa time audit, figure out where
you can find 15 to 20 minutes tospend together and then do
something fun whether that'splaying a little card game
together or finding a littlecomedy thing or a show that you
(35:48):
guys can watch together butfigure out how to spend that
time together and really make ita priority to connect.
Look into intimacy mastery andif you're ready for coaching,
you can contact either Elisa ormyself.
We do do couples coaching andwe wish you the best of luck,
because marriages should be fun.
You should be enjoying yourself, and if you're not, there's
(36:11):
plenty of things you can doabout that.
Absolutely.
Speaker 2 (36:15):
Any last words you guys?
Oh no, that was awesome.
Thank you so much.
And to all of you hey, we'rehere.
All of us are here to see.
You have an extraordinarymarriage, so go after it and
reach out.
We're here, we're available.
Speaker 1 (36:28):
Awesome.
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