June 17, 2025 • 14 mins
I tackle the challenging reality of what to do when one partner wants to work on the relationship while the other resists, providing a clear three-step approach based on my experience with couples in this situation.
• Despite what some experts claim, you cannot completely transform your marriage alone—both partners must participate
• The first step is to directly invite your partner to therapy or coaching, being persistent but understanding about their concerns
• Step two involves creating "productive discomfort" by withdrawing comforts you typically provide
• The final step may require temporary separation to demonstrate how serious you are about improving the relationship
• When both partners engage in the work, transformative results are possible that benefit not just the couple but future generations
• Breaking generational patterns requires courage to stand up with loving power rather than settling for mediocrity
If you need help with this process, please reach out for a complimentary call at monicatanner.com/call. And for engaged or newlywed couples, I'm offering a special summer promotion—three RLT sessions for the price of one to help establish a strong foundation for your marriage.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 0 (00:00):
Hello and welcome to the Secrets of Happily Ever
After podcast.
I'm your host, monica Tanner,and today's episode is a good
one.
I have been trying to recordthis episode for a while, but I
knew it was going to be a littlebit controversial, so I've been
dragging my feet a little bit,but I feel like I need to do it.
So, before we start, I justwant to make sure that you are
(00:23):
aware of the special that I'mrunning this summer for engaged
and newlywed couples, and thatis three sessions for the price
of one.
Now, if you are engaged ornewlywed, or there is a couple
that you love who is engaged ornewlywed, what an incredible
gift.
(00:43):
What better gift could you givethem than a strong foundation
through a few sessions with acoach or therapist trained in
RLT, to be able to get them offon the right start for their
marriage?
Now, this is so important for afew reasons, the first being
that what a relational lifepractitioner will do is sit down
(01:07):
with the couple and first helpthem understand some of the
dynamics of their relationship.
So, for example, on theself-esteem line, are they more
apt to go one up or one down?
Are they more walled off orboundaryless?
And what are some of the losingstrategies that they will
employ when things get tough.
(01:28):
Not only that, but if there'strauma, they'll go through some
of that as well as set them upwith skills such as making
requests with loving power,repairing after conflict and how
to have tough conversations.
Now, all of these things laythe foundation for success for
the new couple before problemsarise.
(01:49):
It also establishes the couplewith a practitioner that they
can trust so that when thingscome up in the marriage they
don't wait the two to six yearsthat most couples wait before
going to see somebody.
They are already established.
The practitioner already knowsabout them individually and as a
couple, and they can jump rightin and work through the
(02:13):
problems that always come in along-term committed relationship
.
The skills will help themnavigate the natural cycles of
harmony, disharmony and repair.
And help them navigate thenatural cycles of harmony,
disharmony and repair, and helpthem achieve more trust and
resilience in the marriage.
So if you know a newlywedcouple and you would like to
(02:33):
gift them three sessions with me, go to monicatanercom.
Backslash call C A L L and Iwill get youa beautiful
certificate that you can gift tothe couple, or I will help you
find another relational lifepractitioner that can provide
these services to the couple.
(02:54):
All right, with all of thatbeing said, let's jump into
today's episode, which, like Isaid, is a really good one.
I wanted to create an episodethat would help couples where
one partner wants to work on therelationship and the other
partner is resistant.
Now I have a lot of thesecouples in my practice.
Right now I'm working witheither husband whose wives
(03:17):
refuse to come to therapy or afew wives whose husbands are
super resistant to doing thework.
Now there are a lot of marriageexperts out there who talk
about you can change therelationship just by yourself.
You don't need both couples toparticipate.
Learn the skills, do the workon your own.
(03:38):
Now I am not arguing that youcan change the dynamic on your
own.
You can learn some goodrelational skills.
However, if you want a healthy,thriving marriage dynamic, you
do need both couples toparticipate and come to the
table.
It's okay if one partner isresistant, but they must be
(03:58):
willing to come to the table.
So anyone who tells you thatyou can change your marriage,
save your marriage all on yourown, that is hogwash.
For long-term success in yourmarriage, you must both
participate Now, if your partneris resistant to coming to
coaching and participating, Ihave good news and bad news.
(04:23):
The good news is that it ispartially your responsibility
and there is something you cando about it.
The bad news is it's not easy.
So in today's episode, I wantto give you a three-step process
that I go through with myclients who have partners who
are resistant to come tocoaching or therapy.
(04:44):
Now there is a myriad ofreasons why the resistant
partner is so resistant.
It could be that there's astigma on asking for help.
It could be that it'svulnerable or they feel like
it's showing weakness.
It could be that the traditionin their faith or in their
family has set them up to beresistant to this type of help.
(05:07):
But more than likely, thereason why your partner is
resistant to come to coaching ortherapy is because they are not
uncomfortable enough.
Now, this is the good news thatI was talking about, because
there is things that you can doabout this.
So when I have clients come tome and they say I really wanna
(05:29):
do the work, I'm unhappy oruncomfortable in my marriage I
know that it can be improved,but my partner refuses to come
and participate, the first thingthat I advise them to do is to
set up an appointment for bothof them and then to show up
every single day, to use theskills to stand up for
themselves with loving power, togo to their partner and say,
(05:52):
hey, is this a good time?
There's something reallyimportant I want to talk to
their partner and say, hey, isthis a good time?
There's something reallyimportant I want to talk to you
about.
Then the first step would be toinvite them to the session that
you have set up.
So start a couple of weeks inadvance and make the request.
Hey, honey, there are somethings that I'd really like to
work on in our relationship and,because I love you so much, I
(06:13):
have found somebody that I trust, that I feel like can help us.
I've set an appointment for twoweeks from today, and I'd
really like for you to join me.
What do you think about that?
They're either going to say yesor no.
If they say yes, perfect.
If they say no, let them knowof your disappointment and ask
(06:33):
them again and again, and againand again.
Let them know how importantthis is to you, see, if you can
figure out what their resistanceis or where it's coming from
and if you can offer them somecomfort around that so I can
help you walk through thisprocess.
Whatever their objections are,I can help you work through them
(06:55):
with them.
However, if they continue toshoot you down and they will not
participate in coaching orcounseling with you, you'll have
to go to step two.
Now, step two is assuming thatthey are not yet uncomfortable
enough to join you, and so thisis where I get a lot of pushback
(07:15):
.
When I've talked about this onpodcasts or other shows a lot of
times, people will kind ofwiden their eyes like this
surprise that I would suggestsomething like this.
But you have to help yourpartner feel your discomfort,
and so that means you starttaking away things that you
provide for your partner thatmakes them comfortable in the
(07:37):
relationship.
This looks and sounds a littlebit like this If you make dinner
every night, it might say,until you're willing to come
with me to coaching orcounseling, I will no longer
make dinner, or I will no longersleep in our bedroom with you,
or I will no longer go with youto social events that you need
me to attend, or I'll no longerdo the laundry, whatever it is
(08:01):
that you provide that makestheir life comfortable.
I would withdraw it, not out ofspite, but out of love.
Let them know that you areserious about getting help with
your relationship, that untilthey are willing to join you in
coaching or counseling, that youwill be taking away these
(08:22):
things that you provide.
You can even let them know Ifeel like you're too comfortable
in the relationship and I wouldlike to work on it, so I will
be taking away things thatprovide for your comfort.
So I will be taking away thingsthat provide for your comfort.
So I will be taking away thingsthat I provide for your comfort
because I want you to beuncomfortable enough to want to
work with me on thisrelationship.
(08:44):
So that is step two.
Do that for a little while andsee how it goes.
Most resistant partners will atthis point understand how
serious you are and they willacquiesce and join you in
coaching.
But if that doesn't work,you're going to have to escalate
to step three, which is partner.
(09:06):
I want to work on thisrelationship and if you are not
willing to work with me andparticipate, I'm going to have
to make some very seriousdecisions about whether or not I
want to continue in thismarriage with you or not.
I have had clients that have hadto remove themselves, move out
(09:27):
of the house, take the kids orask their partner to leave in a
trial separation in order to gettheir partners to participate
in therapy.
Now I know this is tough,especially if you are in the
camp that divorce is not anoption.
The reality is that divorce isalways an option.
The alternative is to continuein a relationship that is not
(09:52):
serving you.
Now, a lot of times I will workwith my clients on their
thoughts about the disruption totheir family, to their children
.
What will the neighbors think?
It is a difficult move toactually go through with a trial
separation in order to get yourpartner to work on the marriage
.
I understand this is not aneasy thing to do, but I have
(10:15):
also seen great progress becauseoftentimes the resistant
partner doesn't believe thatyou're willing to go through
with something like this, thatyou're serious enough about
working on the relationship,about getting more of what you
need from the relationship.
They don't understand thelengths you're willing to go to
(10:37):
to get them to participate indoing the work with you.
So until they feel thatdiscomfort they are not going to
be willing to join you.
But when you show them howserious you are, oftentimes
they'll do a 180.
Oftentimes they will call me.
Sometimes they're upset, butmany times they'll say what do I
(10:57):
need to do to get my partnerback?
And that's when the real workbegins.
So if you're in a relationshipright now that's not working for
you, where your partner is notlistening to you, is not
honoring the requests thatyou're making to work on the
relationship, you might need toescalate.
(11:18):
Step one is to invite, step twois to start taking away
comforts and step three is toactually separate.
What's amazing is I have seencouples completely reconstruct
their relationship when bothpartners come to the table and
(11:38):
are willing to participate inthe work to make the marriage
better.
This provides so much value fortheir children, for their
families, for their communities,instead of staying in a
marriage that isn't healthy,where there are destructive
dynamics and only one partnerwilling to work.
(11:59):
The difference is night and day.
The results and the progressare astounding and so worth
whatever it takes to get there.
So I invite you and I encourageyou to take the necessary steps
to show your partner howserious you are, to stand up to
(12:21):
them with loving power andrequest that they join you to
work on the health of yourrelationship, not just for you,
not just for them, but for yourchildren and their children.
This is how we breakgenerational dysfunctional
patterns.
This is how we create happy,healthy, thriving relationships
(12:47):
that set the blueprint for thosewho come after you.
This is how you write and liveout your happily ever after on
your terms and, most importantly, happily ever after on your
terms and most importantly, thisis how you stand up to your
partner with loving power, inservice of both of you and the
(13:08):
relationship.
Don't settle for a mediocremarriage.
When you can have somethingextraordinary, you may have to
do things that are uncomfortable, but the alternative is to stay
stuck and miserable in amarriage.
That's not serving you andthat's not good for you, that's
not ultimately good for yourpartner and it's not good for
(13:31):
your children.
If you need help with this, ifyou need coaching through this
process, please reach out to meagain.
You can set up a complimentarycall by going to
wwwmonicatanercom.
Backslash call.
I'm ready and waiting to workwith you.
My mission is to increasemarital satisfaction and lower
(13:53):
the divorce rate.
I know that it's possible.
I've seen it, I've experiencedit, I've lived.
I appreciate you being here andlistening.
If you want to set up thenewlyweds in your life for
success, please get them a fewsessions with a relational life
practitioner and if you're readyto do the work on your
(14:16):
relationship, reach out.
I'll be here, same time, sameplace next week, and until then,
happy.
Hello and welcome to the Secrets of Happily Ever
After podcast.
I'm your host, monica Tanner,and today's episode is a good
one.
I have been trying to recordthis episode for a while, but I
knew it was going to be a littlebit controversial, so I've been
dragging my feet a little bit,but I feel like I need to do it.
So, before we start, I justwant to make sure that you are
(00:23):
aware of the special that I'mrunning this summer for engaged
and newlywed couples, and thatis three sessions for the price
of one.
Now, if you are engaged ornewlywed, or there is a couple
that you love who is engaged ornewlywed, what an incredible
gift.
(00:43):
What better gift could you givethem than a strong foundation
through a few sessions with acoach or therapist trained in
RLT, to be able to get them offon the right start for their
marriage?
Now, this is so important for afew reasons, the first being
that what a relational lifepractitioner will do is sit down
(01:07):
with the couple and first helpthem understand some of the
dynamics of their relationship.
So, for example, on theself-esteem line, are they more
apt to go one up or one down?
Are they more walled off orboundaryless?
And what are some of the losingstrategies that they will
employ when things get tough.
(01:28):
Not only that, but if there'strauma, they'll go through some
of that as well as set them upwith skills such as making
requests with loving power,repairing after conflict and how
to have tough conversations.
Now, all of these things laythe foundation for success for
the new couple before problemsarise.
(01:49):
It also establishes the couplewith a practitioner that they
can trust so that when thingscome up in the marriage they
don't wait the two to six yearsthat most couples wait before
going to see somebody.
They are already established.
The practitioner already knowsabout them individually and as a
couple, and they can jump rightin and work through the
(02:13):
problems that always come in along-term committed relationship
.
The skills will help themnavigate the natural cycles of
harmony, disharmony and repair.
And help them navigate thenatural cycles of harmony,
disharmony and repair, and helpthem achieve more trust and
resilience in the marriage.
So if you know a newlywedcouple and you would like to
(02:33):
gift them three sessions with me, go to monicatanercom.
Backslash call C A L L and Iwill get youa beautiful
certificate that you can gift tothe couple, or I will help you
find another relational lifepractitioner that can provide
these services to the couple.
(02:54):
All right, with all of thatbeing said, let's jump into
today's episode, which, like Isaid, is a really good one.
I wanted to create an episodethat would help couples where
one partner wants to work on therelationship and the other
partner is resistant.
Now I have a lot of thesecouples in my practice.
Right now I'm working witheither husband whose wives
(03:17):
refuse to come to therapy or afew wives whose husbands are
super resistant to doing thework.
Now there are a lot of marriageexperts out there who talk
about you can change therelationship just by yourself.
You don't need both couples toparticipate.
Learn the skills, do the workon your own.
(03:38):
Now I am not arguing that youcan change the dynamic on your
own.
You can learn some goodrelational skills.
However, if you want a healthy,thriving marriage dynamic, you
do need both couples toparticipate and come to the
table.
It's okay if one partner isresistant, but they must be
(03:58):
willing to come to the table.
So anyone who tells you thatyou can change your marriage,
save your marriage all on yourown, that is hogwash.
For long-term success in yourmarriage, you must both
participate Now, if your partneris resistant to coming to
coaching and participating, Ihave good news and bad news.
(04:23):
The good news is that it ispartially your responsibility
and there is something you cando about it.
The bad news is it's not easy.
So in today's episode, I wantto give you a three-step process
that I go through with myclients who have partners who
are resistant to come tocoaching or therapy.
(04:44):
Now there is a myriad ofreasons why the resistant
partner is so resistant.
It could be that there's astigma on asking for help.
It could be that it'svulnerable or they feel like
it's showing weakness.
It could be that the traditionin their faith or in their
family has set them up to beresistant to this type of help.
(05:07):
But more than likely, thereason why your partner is
resistant to come to coaching ortherapy is because they are not
uncomfortable enough.
Now, this is the good news thatI was talking about, because
there is things that you can doabout this.
So when I have clients come tome and they say I really wanna
(05:29):
do the work, I'm unhappy oruncomfortable in my marriage I
know that it can be improved,but my partner refuses to come
and participate, the first thingthat I advise them to do is to
set up an appointment for bothof them and then to show up
every single day, to use theskills to stand up for
themselves with loving power, togo to their partner and say,
(05:52):
hey, is this a good time?
There's something reallyimportant I want to talk to
their partner and say, hey, isthis a good time?
There's something reallyimportant I want to talk to you
about.
Then the first step would be toinvite them to the session that
you have set up.
So start a couple of weeks inadvance and make the request.
Hey, honey, there are somethings that I'd really like to
work on in our relationship and,because I love you so much, I
(06:13):
have found somebody that I trust, that I feel like can help us.
I've set an appointment for twoweeks from today, and I'd
really like for you to join me.
What do you think about that?
They're either going to say yesor no.
If they say yes, perfect.
If they say no, let them knowof your disappointment and ask
(06:33):
them again and again, and againand again.
Let them know how importantthis is to you, see, if you can
figure out what their resistanceis or where it's coming from
and if you can offer them somecomfort around that so I can
help you walk through thisprocess.
Whatever their objections are,I can help you work through them
(06:55):
with them.
However, if they continue toshoot you down and they will not
participate in coaching orcounseling with you, you'll have
to go to step two.
Now, step two is assuming thatthey are not yet uncomfortable
enough to join you, and so thisis where I get a lot of pushback
(07:15):
.
When I've talked about this onpodcasts or other shows a lot of
times, people will kind ofwiden their eyes like this
surprise that I would suggestsomething like this.
But you have to help yourpartner feel your discomfort,
and so that means you starttaking away things that you
provide for your partner thatmakes them comfortable in the
(07:37):
relationship.
This looks and sounds a littlebit like this If you make dinner
every night, it might say,until you're willing to come
with me to coaching orcounseling, I will no longer
make dinner, or I will no longersleep in our bedroom with you,
or I will no longer go with youto social events that you need
me to attend, or I'll no longerdo the laundry, whatever it is
(08:01):
that you provide that makestheir life comfortable.
I would withdraw it, not out ofspite, but out of love.
Let them know that you areserious about getting help with
your relationship, that untilthey are willing to join you in
coaching or counseling, that youwill be taking away these
(08:22):
things that you provide.
You can even let them know Ifeel like you're too comfortable
in the relationship and I wouldlike to work on it, so I will
be taking away things thatprovide for your comfort.
So I will be taking away thingsthat provide for your comfort.
So I will be taking away thingsthat I provide for your comfort
because I want you to beuncomfortable enough to want to
work with me on thisrelationship.
(08:44):
So that is step two.
Do that for a little while andsee how it goes.
Most resistant partners will atthis point understand how
serious you are and they willacquiesce and join you in
coaching.
But if that doesn't work,you're going to have to escalate
to step three, which is partner.
(09:06):
I want to work on thisrelationship and if you are not
willing to work with me andparticipate, I'm going to have
to make some very seriousdecisions about whether or not I
want to continue in thismarriage with you or not.
I have had clients that have hadto remove themselves, move out
(09:27):
of the house, take the kids orask their partner to leave in a
trial separation in order to gettheir partners to participate
in therapy.
Now I know this is tough,especially if you are in the
camp that divorce is not anoption.
The reality is that divorce isalways an option.
The alternative is to continuein a relationship that is not
(09:52):
serving you.
Now, a lot of times I will workwith my clients on their
thoughts about the disruption totheir family, to their children
.
What will the neighbors think?
It is a difficult move toactually go through with a trial
separation in order to get yourpartner to work on the marriage
.
I understand this is not aneasy thing to do, but I have
(10:15):
also seen great progress becauseoftentimes the resistant
partner doesn't believe thatyou're willing to go through
with something like this, thatyou're serious enough about
working on the relationship,about getting more of what you
need from the relationship.
They don't understand thelengths you're willing to go to
(10:37):
to get them to participate indoing the work with you.
So until they feel thatdiscomfort they are not going to
be willing to join you.
But when you show them howserious you are, oftentimes
they'll do a 180.
Oftentimes they will call me.
Sometimes they're upset, butmany times they'll say what do I
(10:57):
need to do to get my partnerback?
And that's when the real workbegins.
So if you're in a relationshipright now that's not working for
you, where your partner is notlistening to you, is not
honoring the requests thatyou're making to work on the
relationship, you might need toescalate.
(11:18):
Step one is to invite, step twois to start taking away
comforts and step three is toactually separate.
What's amazing is I have seencouples completely reconstruct
their relationship when bothpartners come to the table and
(11:38):
are willing to participate inthe work to make the marriage
better.
This provides so much value fortheir children, for their
families, for their communities,instead of staying in a
marriage that isn't healthy,where there are destructive
dynamics and only one partnerwilling to work.
(11:59):
The difference is night and day.
The results and the progressare astounding and so worth
whatever it takes to get there.
So I invite you and I encourageyou to take the necessary steps
to show your partner howserious you are, to stand up to
(12:21):
them with loving power andrequest that they join you to
work on the health of yourrelationship, not just for you,
not just for them, but for yourchildren and their children.
This is how we breakgenerational dysfunctional
patterns.
This is how we create happy,healthy, thriving relationships
(12:47):
that set the blueprint for thosewho come after you.
This is how you write and liveout your happily ever after on
your terms and, most importantly, happily ever after on your
terms and most importantly, thisis how you stand up to your
partner with loving power, inservice of both of you and the
(13:08):
relationship.
Don't settle for a mediocremarriage.
When you can have somethingextraordinary, you may have to
do things that are uncomfortable, but the alternative is to stay
stuck and miserable in amarriage.
That's not serving you andthat's not good for you, that's
not ultimately good for yourpartner and it's not good for
(13:31):
your children.
If you need help with this, ifyou need coaching through this
process, please reach out to meagain.
You can set up a complimentarycall by going to
wwwmonicatanercom.
Backslash call.
I'm ready and waiting to workwith you.
My mission is to increasemarital satisfaction and lower
(13:53):
the divorce rate.
I know that it's possible.
I've seen it, I've experiencedit, I've lived.
I appreciate you being here andlistening.
If you want to set up thenewlyweds in your life for
success, please get them a fewsessions with a relational life
practitioner and if you're readyto do the work on your
(14:16):
relationship, reach out.
I'll be here, same time, sameplace next week, and until then,
happy.
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