February 5, 2025 • 36 mins
Join Rob and Robin in this insightful episode as they dive into the essential components of a strong marriage: love, trust, and dependability. Discover how these foundational elements work together to create a thriving relationship, with practical tips for nurturing each aspect. Whether you're newlyweds or have been married for years, this conversation offers valuable insights to strengthen your bond and foster a deeper connection. Tune in for an enlightening discussion that reaffirms the power of love and trust in marriage!
Music by - Roger Jaeger - from the album (Fall Off the Earth)
Produced by - Jared Nester
Outro by - Madison Nester
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:03):
Hi, I'm Rob and I'm Robin.
Thanks for listening toMarriage and Us.
Each week we will talk aboutreal-life topics that couples
experience in everyday marriedlife.
So let's get to today's episode.
Hello everybody, welcome backin, hey you guys.
(00:26):
How are you doing today?
Speaker 2 (00:28):
I'm doing good.
How are you doing?
Speaker 1 (00:29):
It's good.
At least here the sun isshining.
Yeah, it's wonderful there's norain.
I know, yay, there's no snowand able to sit outside and soak
up some vitamin D, Watch thesun for a little bit, About to
go down here where we're at atleast when we're recording this.
Speaker 2 (00:49):
So yeah, it's been a nice day.
Speaker 1 (00:51):
It has been as we get in.
Today, hopefully, as we'vemoved into season three here,
we're going to touch a littlebit on it, not a lot, but we
were.
We discussed on the lastepisode about how to in a
relationship, how to move intothat deeper place of love.
(01:14):
Yes, and what that looks like,and obviously that develops over
time.
I mean, you know, if you'vebeen married 30 or 40 years,
that's totally different thansomebody who's been married 3 or
10 years.
There's just no way around thatbecause of the time, right.
But understanding how to getthere, how to stay there, I
(01:36):
think that would you agree.
I think that's what most couplesI think, when they talk to us
or we do counseling, or just arandom couple that has gotten to
know us a little bit, I ask youknow, how did you get to this
place and what's that processlook like?
Right, would you think, yeah,yeah.
So today we're going to touchon three words that we've really
(02:01):
been thinking about, of the howdo you get there, how do you
stay there?
Because that's again, we'vejoked about it If you didn't
want to get married, go throughthese things and put in this
wonderful work of this journeyof marriage, stay single.
Speaker 2 (02:16):
Right, right, but these are three words that we
think are so pivotal in marriedlife.
Speaker 1 (02:22):
Yeah, most of you can probably guess the first one,
which is love.
I love you.
Speaker 3 (02:29):
Right.
Speaker 1 (02:29):
Yeah, I love you.
That's and that sounds.
The more we've we're we'relooking at this, understanding
what deeper love looks like it's.
I think that can.
If we're not careful, it canbecome a shallow word in our
relationships.
Speaker 2 (02:46):
True, true.
Well, it can just become aphrase.
Speaker 3 (02:50):
Yes, right, yeah, you can't really say that you took
the words out of my mouth.
Speaker 2 (02:54):
It just becomes you know, I love you.
You know, I love you.
See you later, yeah.
Speaker 1 (02:57):
And we say that a lot , I think due to the fact of who
we are and the people thatwe're around.
But it hit me right before wewent on air.
I can say I love you tosomebody at church or you know,
whatever a friend but it is notas deep as what I have for you.
Right, when I say I love you,there's a whole lot of stuff
(03:21):
good, bad and everything inbetween that goes into that
phrase.
I mean there's a depth to thatthat is totally different than
any other relationship that Ihave.
Speaker 2 (03:35):
It's true.
Speaker 1 (03:36):
And that's the way it should be.
Speaker 2 (03:37):
Yes, I can think of something funny that happened at
work.
And for everybody that's outhere listening to us, maybe
you've done the same thing.
You know, like I said, when itbecomes just part of your
vocabulary and just like aphrase, has anyone ever been on
a call at work?
Right, I have to answer thephone sometimes and I can
(03:58):
remember one day, for somereason, hanging up with this
woman who had called an employeeand I don't know why, but I
said, okay, well, thank you,love you, bye, hung up the phone
and was just mortified, like Ijust told that woman, I love her
.
What in this world, you know,because it was just like you
(04:21):
know.
Speaker 1 (04:21):
Did you know her that well?
No.
Speaker 2 (04:24):
Oh, I don't, didn't know her at all.
No, you know, but it's like youknow.
Have you ever called, like youknow, your mom or your kids?
You know, I call Maddie, youknow, of course, and I get her
to hang up.
All right, well, love you, I'lltalk to you later.
Bye, you know, it was just like.
Yeah, it just it was like inthe flow and for some reason I
said it, but I bet there aresome of you out there who've
(04:45):
done the same thing.
Speaker 1 (04:46):
So my positive spin on that is there's two things.
One maybe that lady just neededto hear somebody say I love you
.
Maybe, and then two goes back towhat you just said, what we
were almost at the same time aphrase.
It becomes a phrase like hello,yes, when you say it, so much
Sure, but the bottom line isagain.
(05:08):
So today we're looking at,we're going to go ahead and tell
you what we're going to talkabout.
We're going to talk about theword love, we're going to talk
about the word trust and theword to depend on.
Speaker 2 (05:20):
Our dependability.
Speaker 1 (05:21):
Dependability that you have for your spouse and, as
I was thinking about that, it'sjust proving the point when you
each relationship has differentlevels to it In a marriage,
that's what we're talking aboutlearning how to take that
relationship to a deeper level.
(05:41):
When I say I love you, there'sa lot that goes with that,
there's trust that's built inthat and there's over time and
over the years that we've beenmarried, there's I know I can
depend on you.
Sure, yeah.
So what's some of the things?
I've got some definitions.
I've got all kinds of differentthings since you think you want
(06:03):
to jump in with, or what's yourthoughts?
Speaker 2 (06:06):
Well, I know we said love is the first word, right
Love, then trust, thendependability.
I think we talk a lot aboutlove on our podcast episodes and
we did discuss already.
But for some of you who maybedidn't listen to the previous
(06:28):
episode, what's wrong with you?
Speaker 1 (06:29):
Go back and listen to it.
No, I'm joking, I'm sorry.
Speaker 2 (06:31):
We were talking about deeper love.
So there's the love that youhave when you first meet as a
couple.
There's a love that leads allthe way up to the wedding day.
Speaker 1 (06:46):
Right.
Speaker 2 (06:47):
And that love is so special and so wonderful in its
own way.
Just amazing.
You know you found the personyou want to spend the rest of
your life with, the excited waythat you feel when you're around
each other and just how muchenjoyment you take in spending
(07:07):
time together and and I love allof that about that first
initial love.
And then you know we talk about,you know that you get to your
wedding day and you marry thisperson and then you walk into
married life and then over weeks, months and those first few
years you really start to learnso much more about each other.
(07:30):
You know because you, you marrythe idea of that person, of
what you know, of thisindividual that you meet and
then marry.
But then, as time goes on, yourealize how complex your spouse
is and at times even howcomplicated and how how
beautifully alike and differentthat you are, uh, when it comes
(07:55):
to each other, and how youcompliment each other and how
you contrast each other and justall these amazing things, and
in all of that, that's what cantake you from that initial first
love to a second love, if wecan call it that that is even a
deeper love.
(08:15):
Because, now you're beginningto love this person as a whole
as everything that they are.
That's a lot, it's a lot, yeahit really is, because you're
that's a lot.
It's a lot.
Yeah, it really is, because Iknow I'm a lot you know, and
it's wonderful, you know,because, yeah, you start to
really begin to love the wholeperson.
(08:39):
You see the quirks, right, wesee each other.
Yes, oh yeah, absolutely, butbut we, that's a good word we
see the quirks as part of thewhole of what makes this person
right.
You can get hung up on a quirk,right, you can really get hung
there right.
But if you think, oh well, youknow that that little quirk is
(09:02):
not all of who this person is.
There's so much more I love somuch more.
You know that little quirk isnot all of who this person is
there's so much more.
I love so much more you know,and so that's that second love
that we're talking about.
Speaker 1 (09:12):
I've got one great definition which goes this just
happened to be something I found, but we used this word a lot on
the last episode about complex.
It says love is often definedas a deep, complex emotion
characterized by intimacy,commitment and the word trust,
care, affection and mutualrespect, where partners I like
(09:36):
this word actively choose tosupport and understand each
other, often including elementsof passion and attraction, while
accepting each other's flawsand working together through
challenges.
Speaker 2 (09:50):
Wow, that's great.
Speaker 1 (09:51):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (09:52):
Really good.
Speaker 1 (09:53):
Yeah.
So when you said that word lastweek it was right at the end of
the episode and it just reallyhit me and you just touched on
it again complex, and then youjust said learning to love the
whole person.
Sorry, my brain is that's kindof captured my thoughts right
now.
That's just a big you know.
I wrote this down.
(10:14):
I think it's important forcouples.
If you're listening today, haveyou?
You mentioned the wedding dayand we make our vows and we say
these things.
Do we really?
Let me rephrase this I don'tknow if we really understand the
depth of what we're saying whenwe say the vows, because when
we say the word I love you, ifit's just a phrase, versus
(10:39):
understanding the depths and therequirements that it's going to
take to fulfill that, Right.
I think it would be healthy forcouples to realize what they're
stepping into.
Speaker 2 (10:51):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (10:51):
Because that's the difference.
We've heard this phrase forquite a while, but that's the
difference between a contractwith somebody and you're making
in a spiritual sense, which iswhat marriage is a covenant with
someone, and that's a bigdifference.
Just saying you know, because Ilove you, but that's not the
same thing.
When I say I love pizza, Idon't trust the pizza, I trust
(11:15):
you, and so we have tounderstand that those phrases
can mean more in differentsituations.
I guess is what?
Speaker 2 (11:23):
I'm trying to say mean more can mean more in
different situations.
I guess that's what I'm tryingto say.
When you think about the vows Imean I know a lot of times now
these days people create theirown vows and I think that's
really sure neat too.
I love that, um.
But you know, when you thinkabout the classic vows that you
would hear at weddings, you knowin sickness and health, you
know in good times and in badtimes, um.
So basically, in the highs, thehighest of highs, and in the
(11:44):
lowest of lows, I am saying I'mfor you and you're for me.
And we are in this together.
We are standing here saying wechoose each other to spend the
rest of our lives together, andthat is so like you said.
(12:04):
You know and and, and that isso like you said.
It is so big, it is so muchmore than what, uh, you know, in
culture today, I think there'sso much emphasis on the wedding
day.
Right, I can scroll throughinstagram, facebook, pinterest,
anything like that, and put inyou know weddings, and it is
(12:28):
just unreal how much is devotedto the wedding day, even the you
know the preliminary things,the bachelor party, the you know
bridesmaids doing theirbachelorette thing or whatever.
There's just all this emphasison it.
But then how much emphasis ison the day after the wedding day
(12:51):
, I mean the honeymoon's there?
Speaker 1 (12:52):
and that's great, or leading up to it, which that's a
big part of what we do ispremarital.
Speaker 2 (12:56):
Yeah, premarital, yes , absolutely Love it, love it,
love it.
What does?
Speaker 1 (13:00):
it look like when I'm I'm man, I think we've just
opened up a wonderful can ofworms.
But what are we saying whenwe're saying I want to again?
You just said that I want tospend the rest of my life with
people, and I think that's wherenot with people.
Speaker 2 (13:15):
What?
Sorry, well, maybe with somepeople I want to spend the rest
of my life with all 10 of you.
Sorry, that's okay.
Speaker 1 (13:26):
You knew what he meant out there folks.
Speaker 2 (13:28):
You knew I was going to jump in, if you knew, yeah.
Speaker 1 (13:30):
I'm glad you trust me there's a point that I'll come
back to that in a minute.
But when you say I want tospend the rest of my life with
this person, which may havepeople involved with it.
I'm not sure at this point, butwhen you say that, man, it's
just really hitting me.
As we're talking about this.
There should be a healthyweight on that.
(13:53):
What do?
Speaker 2 (13:56):
you mean by weight?
Speaker 1 (13:56):
In other words, what you just said, there's so much
weightiness in a positive way ofsaying again I want to spend
the rest of my life with thisperson.
If that one day, how much?
And again, we're not opposed tobig weddings or bachelor
parties.
Speaker 2 (14:13):
That's not what we're saying.
I'm not saying anything.
What we're?
Speaker 1 (14:16):
saying is where you start out.
What do you?
How do you prepare yourself forwedding the wet in the wedding
day?
And then, how do you prepareyourself for wedding the wet in
the wedding day, and then, howdo you prepare yourself?
Like you said, once you're,once you say those I do, are you
prepared to be married?
Speaker 2 (14:31):
Right, that's where my focus is.
The wedding day is awesome.
And you can find a millionthings on how to have the most
incredible wedding you couldever imagine, but what about
after the wedding?
Yeah, after the honeymoon.
Now we're married.
Speaker 1 (14:46):
And we're living, doing life day in, day out
together.
Speaker 2 (14:50):
Yes, which is really why these three words love, love
gets us there right.
Love's the beginning, it's thespark.
But then what about trust?
And what about dependability?
Speaker 1 (15:02):
Do you have something or a definition that you've got
for trust?
What does that look like?
I've got a few things here, butwhat have you got?
Speaker 2 (15:08):
One thing is that I found that I thought was great.
It says when partners trusteach other so we're talking
about the trusting piece therelationship is not threatened
during times of conflict.
Right, because this is, this isall part of it.
Right, we're, we're trustingeach other and then we're
married now and there's going tobe times of conflict.
(15:32):
But when trust is there, whenpartners truly trust each other,
the relationship is notthreatened when there's times of
conflict.
Yeah, so even if something getsheated between the two of you,
it still means feelings get tobe shared instead of just two
(15:54):
people acting out in anger, whentrust is there and trust is
developed right.
Trust is not like a packagedeal.
I love you, I trust you.
I think it is to a degree.
I mean of course, who you fallin love with, you should be able
to feel a sense of like, wow, Itrust this person, but then
trust is so complex we're goingto talk about the word complex.
(16:17):
You will find, walking intomarried life, that there are so
many different degrees, levelsand situations.
Where trust should be therewill be developed to be there.
Speaker 1 (16:33):
But it'll also be tested.
Speaker 3 (16:35):
Ooh.
Speaker 1 (16:37):
Yeah, I mean, that's what we're really talking about,
because, again, we're talkingabout, obviously, love, trust
and being dependability onsomebody.
So being dependable, yeah,being dependable, so trust and
we talk about this word a lotemotional connection.
So trust also speaks toemotional connection.
And when trust is strong, whichis what we're saying it says to
(17:00):
your partner that they care,yes, which deepens love, which
takes it from just thegoosebumps, takes it from just
the wedding day.
Again, we're painting thispicture now of real life, day in
, day out.
Trust is that emotionalconnection that is built from
(17:21):
the love that says I care foryou.
Speaker 2 (17:24):
Yes, and trust means I get to be my true self.
Speaker 1 (17:29):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (17:29):
Okay, and I get to rely or depend on my partner for
support.
Speaker 1 (17:37):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (17:37):
So here's where the trust piece grows.
Just so we're really clear onthis.
Trust is extremely important.
When you are looking for yourspouse, okay, trust is huge.
But within the realm, withinthe covenant of married life, I
(17:59):
think to get to be like for me,to get to be my true self, I can
think of our own marriage.
Okay, I remember thinking can Ibe my true self?
Because there were things inmyself that I wasn't even
comfortable with within my ownself.
(18:21):
You know, on the inside, theinside right To to be vulnerable
with or to say you know samehere you know, and I think that
is real you know,in relationships.
I mean, we're we're falling inlove and we see the very best of
each other and of course wepresent the best of each other.
I mean, you know, Put somepaint on that thing.
(18:44):
You know, make it look.
You know you want to presentyourself in a way, and that's
kind of sad to say.
I mean, really, it's even hardfor me to speak that out, but no
matter how much you might thinkI'm going to truly be myself, I
still think married lifechanges things.
(19:06):
Yes, and there's still areas ofyour true self that won't be
revealed.
Speaker 1 (19:12):
experienced, Okay, let's stay on that point.
But here's my thought.
With that, I think part of theproblem is we assume that love
and trust go hand in hand and inmarriage it is something that
is developed In any relationship.
But we're talking aboutmarriage, but they don't.
Speaker 2 (19:31):
There's initial love and trust, and then there's this
deeper love and trust.
Speaker 1 (19:36):
Yes, I like that, trust somebody Because, again,
we say that word a lot and Igenuinely, and I know you well
enough, you mean it.
When you say I love you, but Ican love you, I don't see I'm
not with that person like I amwith you.
And even in a generalrelationship and a friendship,
there can be deeper friendshipsthat you have than others
(19:57):
because you have developed trust, because you know that you
trust their character, you trustthe person they are, the
strength that they carry.
Speaker 2 (20:05):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (20:06):
That they're there with you.
You know that you can rely onthem, which will lead us here in
just a second to be able todepend on them.
So love in a marriage is morethan just feelings, yes, but as
trust is developed, it developsdeeper emotional connection in
that relationship.
Speaker 2 (20:26):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (20:27):
Yes, I've got this written down too.
This is from a book called theSpeed of Trust.
It's mainly a book dealing withleadership, but this is such a
great example of what we'retalking about that when you have
trust, it says, in a high-trustrelationship you can say the
wrong thing and people or yourpartner in this situation will
still get your meaning.
(20:47):
But in a low trust relationship, you can be very measured, even
precise, and you'll still bemisinterpreted.
Speaker 2 (20:55):
Wow, yeah, that's really good so that's where you,
you know that's.
Speaker 1 (21:01):
And we've talked about gratitude, we talked about
forgiveness and all thosethings that takes to have a
healthy marriage.
In that statement that you andI say all the time that's our
baseline I'm for you and you'refor me, which that phrase comes
out of the word trust.
I know you're for me.
You're never going to get itall right in a relationship and
(21:23):
in marriage.
How?
you say it, how you present it,you're going to say the wrong
things.
But when you have love that hasdeveloped into trust, even when
you miss it, you know oh, waita minute how did you say that?
Speaker 2 (21:38):
I'm not quite sure.
Speaker 1 (21:40):
But I know you're for me.
Speaker 2 (21:41):
Yeah, yeah, that's really good.
Yeah, that's so good.
Yeah, that's so good.
Speaker 1 (21:44):
Because you've got to realize what we're talking
about is not only that trust isbuilt, but as trust.
If you feel you've lost trustin somebody, we're not going to
spend a lot of time on that, andtrust has to be rebuilt.
Speaker 2 (21:59):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (21:59):
That begins with consistency, which is what I was
just talking about.
That begins with consistency,which is what I was just talking
about.
It's when you've got a trackrecord in your relationship that
says, man, I know she's for meand this is a blip in the road.
Or maybe I didn't explain myexpectations or what I was
(22:20):
needing from you in that moment.
Again, coming back and makingsure to look at myself first
before I start havingaccusations and things of that
nature, but which leads us tolearning how to depend on our
spouse.
What have you got on that?
Speaker 2 (22:37):
So we're going to talk about healthy dependence.
I think that it begins with anopen communication, which is
what we're talking about rightnow.
I think it's also important tohave mutual respect, shared
goals.
Speaker 1 (22:54):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (22:56):
And then supportive behavior that balances the give
and take of the relationship.
Speaker 1 (23:02):
What does that mean?
What's that look like?
Speaker 2 (23:04):
So to me, when I think about dependability, there
are seasons in married life,there are highs and lows, and
there are experiences based ontwo people happening under one
roof, right, and thoseexperiences can be very
(23:26):
different because in marriedlife, just like us, for all the
years we've been married, wehave worked jobs right.
Had careers going and we haveall kinds of experiences
happening to us dailyindividually, and you know you
come home after a hard day ofwork or seasons where work life
(23:50):
is super hectic for one andmaybe a little more chill for
the other.
Right, you know like I'm justtalking about this in the most
practical way.
Sure talking about this in themost practical way and we've
been in those seasons beforewhere like certain months would
be, you know in your career,like those are.
those are months that it's alittle slower and there's a lot
(24:11):
more room for flexibility, it'sa good word.
And then for me, at the sametime, I mean, it is just like
white knuckle.
You go in the door and you girdyour loins and say, dear God,
help me make it through this day, right.
And so, in those very practicalways, there's this supportive
(24:31):
behavior that I know I'veexperienced from you, where you
see me stressed out, you know,and just the simplest phrase of
just saying, hey, what do youneed from me right now?
Is there anything that I coulddo, for you have meant the world
to me, man, we're not talkingabout fixing, let me just inject
(24:53):
that.
Speaker 1 (24:54):
They're not asking for your opinion, your advice.
If they want that, let themtell you.
Don't assume that you've gotthe answer.
I just want to throw thatbecause, as a disclaimer, there
are men out there that we Ithink that's the number one
thing that causes arguments theyjust assume that you want me to
fix that.
Speaker 2 (25:14):
Yes, there are many female listeners right now
screaming yes, it's so true, Idon't want to chase a rabbit
with this, but I do want to sayno, go ahead and chase, okay.
Speaker 1 (25:25):
But, what I do want to say is you know, on both
sides, that's where trust isdeveloped, that's where you
learn to depend on and, in thissituation, learn to develop the
skill of saying what you needand what you don't need.
The skill of saying what youneed and what you don't need,
and in that I mean where Robinhas it was a great gift that she
(25:47):
gave me and vice versa, whereshe would just tell me what was
going on.
I didn't have to fix it.
But if she wanted my opinion orshe had wanted my advice, she
would say a phrase which wedeveloped years ago, say, hey,
what do you think about this?
Or I need your input on this.
And that changed my responseand it freed me up just to
(26:08):
connect and sync up with heremotionally, without feeling
like I'm having to listen toevery word, knowing that I've
got to have an answer for it.
Speaker 2 (26:17):
Right, Right.
So just a simple phrase of yousaying hey, do you need
something from me right now?
I mean, it could be that I justneed for you to listen and I'm
going to dump the truck, whichis a little phrase that we use.
In other words, you know, I'mjust, I just need to just
verbalize the craziness of thisday and you don't have to fix
(26:38):
anything.
But if I can just dump this outof my brain, yeah, out of my
mind.
I am just going to be so muchmore relaxed so that that could
be one way for me that I woulduh, decompress from the day.
Um, but then it could bepractical things like yes, you
know what, um, I was going tofix.
(27:00):
To fix like we love sweetpotatoes.
We have a mild obsession withsweet potatoes.
If you spend any time with us,I don't know what it's about.
Speaker 1 (27:08):
Like we love sweet potato fries, sweet potato tots
sweet potato anything.
Speaker 2 (27:13):
We are all about it.
So I might say to you like, hey, I was going to make like
homemade sweet potato friestonight.
Could you go ahead and washthose sweet potatoes for me and
chop them up so we can get themready for the air fryer?
I'm going to go change clothesor I just need 20 minutes to
just lay down in silence andjust rest for a moment.
So I have the energy that youknow I can spend time with you.
(27:35):
It could mean so many things,but you get the idea.
Just that simple question thatyou've asked me time and time
again.
Speaker 1 (27:46):
And that develops your ability to depend on you.
Speaker 2 (27:49):
Yes, you're showing me.
Hey, I'm dependable.
Speaker 1 (27:54):
I want to be a good partner to you, and so All of
these words love, trust andbeing able are action words,
Because marriage involves action.
Yes, I think that's the thingyou know.
Again, we talked about trustrequires consistency.
Now I want to be clear.
We're not talking about whenwe're saying depending on
(28:16):
somebody.
We're not talking aboutexpecting perfection.
Right, that's not what we'retalking about, Right?
Speaker 2 (28:21):
Not unhealthy, Not healthy what we're talking about
Right, not unhealthy.
Speaker 1 (28:23):
Not or like codependency.
Speaker 2 (28:25):
Yeah, codependency.
Speaker 1 (28:27):
Or to codependency.
We're not.
Don't hear us saying this aswell, too.
If you're out there,codependency is where you just
like.
Well, that's just the way theyare, or you just let someone
enable their behavior.
Speaker 2 (28:40):
That's not what we're talking about.
Well, usually a codependentperson.
It's kind of like you know, Iwant to be okay, and for me to
be okay, I need to makeeverybody around me be okay,
Because if everybody around meis okay, then I'm going to be
okay and then we're all okaytogether.
Speaker 1 (28:54):
And that's just completely unrealistic.
But that's not love or trust.
Speaker 2 (28:56):
Right, and there's so many other layers to
codependency, we won't even jumpoff onto that train because
that's a whole notherconversation.
But what I'm saying is you know, a good partnership and to me a
good partnership means thatneither spouse is fully
accommodating each other.
Both are able to ask for helpwhen they need it, and you know,
(29:18):
we're in this thing togetherright, which I think most people
don't understand.
Speaker 1 (29:24):
You know again all these words when they interlock
with each other that's whatwe're saying helps you develop
that deeper love, because when Ican depend upon you, it also
says I can trust you, also saysthat I love you, and when you
put those together it says, likewhat you said earlier, we're
not going to give up.
Speaker 3 (29:44):
Right.
Speaker 1 (29:45):
When there's moments in our life, when there's
situations in our relationshipsthat are tough, it says we're in
this thing together.
Yes, I mean, I'm not trying tobe silly with this, whatever.
But if you kept asking me,we'll just stay with the sweet
potatoes, which is a great topicfor us.
But if you kept asking me to dothat, and every time I said I
(30:08):
forgot.
Now there's an issue, right,because it's just-.
Speaker 2 (30:14):
Yeah, I would question gosh, does he care?
Speaker 1 (30:16):
I mean, think about all the things that begin to
spin in your head.
Speaker 2 (30:19):
You can assume so many things, oh wow, I mean,
think about all the things thatbegin to spin in your head.
So many things, oh wow, youknow, I mean we're using the
word being dependable, but yes,and that's a chore.
We realize that, and you guysknow when you're under distress,
when you're in seasons ofstressfulness, and this could be
, you know, pertaining to thecareer you're in, or your new
(30:40):
parents, or you've moved to anew city, taken on a new job.
Gosh, there's just so manydifferent examples that we could
give.
But you know, in those seasonsof change and believe you, me, I
mean married life is, it's achange.
Speaker 1 (30:59):
Continual.
Speaker 2 (31:00):
It's, and it continually changes.
Yes, yes, If you're hearingthis for the first time we're 60
years old and we're in a wholenew season of change yet again,
absolutely and and change.
A lot of people don't likechange.
Speaker 1 (31:14):
I don't understand that.
I get it.
I don't.
Speaker 2 (31:16):
I mean I get sometimes familiarity is very
that predictability feels safe.
Speaker 1 (31:23):
But it's unrealistic.
I mean the day that I asked youto go out for the first time,
the day that you said I do, andtoday we're all.
We're different people.
Speaker 2 (31:35):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (31:36):
I mean the moment you said I do you become husband?
You're different, it's justdifferent.
There's no way around it, rightI?
Speaker 2 (31:42):
think there was.
Well, who was it?
We heard one time say I've beenmarried to five different men
in my life, but they're all thesame guy, because it's like
there's just constant change.
So the yeah, the Rob that Imarried in in his twenties Ooh,
that guy.
And that guy was awesome.
Speaker 1 (31:59):
He was, but he's got it.
Speaker 3 (32:01):
He was just learning he was.
Speaker 1 (32:02):
He was great, I fell in love with him, I'll let him
off the hook, yeah.
Speaker 2 (32:17):
Don't be making fun of that 20-something-year-old.
Speaker 1 (32:19):
Rob.
Okay, all right Way to go,buddy.
Good job, you know, and thenthe're fixed to be 61.
Sorry, I was supposed to saythat out loud In March.
Speaker 2 (32:26):
Yeah, it's true, it's coming.
Speaker 3 (32:28):
It's a coming folks yeah.
Speaker 2 (32:30):
But you know, it's like that you look awesome.
Thank you.
I appreciate that.
But you know, it's just so manychanges and, yeah, when you
embrace that and learn andexperience in each other, you
know through the decades,literally talking about deeper
(32:52):
love is just awesome right.
Speaker 1 (32:54):
I want to close with this.
I just kept sitting herethinking about that you learn to
love the whole person.
Yep, sitting here thinkingabout that, you learn to love
the whole person.
Now, if you're listening tothis, again, we're not talking
about excusing behaviors orthat's not what we're talking
about or abuse, that's not whatwe're talking about.
But it's when, if you desire tohave a relationship that grows
(33:15):
and develops, these words haveto become part of who you are,
have to become part of who youare.
It's that again, it's thatbinding together that creates a
wonderful, lasting, longrelationship.
And if you're missing, just toencourage you, I don't care how
long you've been married or ifit's short time or a long time
(33:36):
you can still get back on trackwith these things but, like what
you said, to pretend that maybeyou know you've lost that love
and feeling.
Yeah, whatever you know and youmay feel that you may be at that
place in your life, right now,in your relationship, but you
can get back to it, but you'renot going to get back to it or
develop it without discussing it.
Speaker 2 (33:56):
True.
Speaker 1 (33:57):
Or you're just hoping that it will get better, right?
No, hoping that it's going toget better is not going to
happen.
You've got to put forth someeffort, like what you said about
the wedding.
You know we obviously believe incounseling you know and getting
coaching or whatever you need,but find somebody that can help
you.
Yeah, find somebody you cantalk to about these things, that
(34:19):
can help you maybe navigatesome of these things that you've
not been able to get to on yourown, but that's the only way
you're going to get there.
That's the only way thesethings are not only developed
but redirected back and getyourself back on course.
Speaker 2 (34:32):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (34:34):
This is good.
Speaker 2 (34:35):
Yeah, really good.
Speaker 1 (34:36):
So love, trust and dependability Got to have those
things.
Yeah, we're gonna probably sithere and stare each other for a
few minutes after we go up theair, just because we're in deep
thought right now.
So but, all joking aside, Ihope you do the same.
You know we love it when we hearcouples that tell us they
listen to the podcast togetheryeah, it's good, so we hope
(34:58):
we've maybe jolted you a littlebit for you to have some
discussions today about whattrue, deep, loving relationships
look like.
Yeah, all right, and thanks, asalways, for listening.
Yeah, thanks, hey, tell afriend Again we believe in what
we do, but we could use somemore listeners.
(35:20):
Believe in what we do, but wecould use some more listeners.
So if you enjoyed this episode,forward it to a friend and say,
hey, this podcast might besomething you enjoy.
So, we'd appreciate it.
Yeah, all right guys, we'll seeyou soon.
Talk to you soon.
Speaker 3 (35:32):
Bye.
You've been listening toMarriage and Us, with your hosts
, Rob and Robin Adkins.
Stay up to date by followingthem on Instagram at
marriageandus underscore podcastand on Twitter at marriageandus
.
Also hit the follow button soyou never miss an episode from
your favorite couple.
Hi, I'm Rob and I'm Robin.
Thanks for listening toMarriage and Us.
Each week we will talk aboutreal-life topics that couples
experience in everyday marriedlife.
So let's get to today's episode.
Hello everybody, welcome backin, hey you guys.
(00:26):
How are you doing today?
Speaker 2 (00:28):
I'm doing good.
How are you doing?
Speaker 1 (00:29):
It's good.
At least here the sun isshining.
Yeah, it's wonderful there's norain.
I know, yay, there's no snowand able to sit outside and soak
up some vitamin D, Watch thesun for a little bit, About to
go down here where we're at atleast when we're recording this.
Speaker 2 (00:49):
So yeah, it's been a nice day.
Speaker 1 (00:51):
It has been as we get in.
Today, hopefully, as we'vemoved into season three here,
we're going to touch a littlebit on it, not a lot, but we
were.
We discussed on the lastepisode about how to in a
relationship, how to move intothat deeper place of love.
(01:14):
Yes, and what that looks like,and obviously that develops over
time.
I mean, you know, if you'vebeen married 30 or 40 years,
that's totally different thansomebody who's been married 3 or
10 years.
There's just no way around thatbecause of the time, right.
But understanding how to getthere, how to stay there, I
(01:36):
think that would you agree.
I think that's what most couplesI think, when they talk to us
or we do counseling, or just arandom couple that has gotten to
know us a little bit, I ask youknow, how did you get to this
place and what's that processlook like?
Right, would you think, yeah,yeah.
So today we're going to touchon three words that we've really
(02:01):
been thinking about, of the howdo you get there, how do you
stay there?
Because that's again, we'vejoked about it If you didn't
want to get married, go throughthese things and put in this
wonderful work of this journeyof marriage, stay single.
Speaker 2 (02:16):
Right, right, but these are three words that we
think are so pivotal in marriedlife.
Speaker 1 (02:22):
Yeah, most of you can probably guess the first one,
which is love.
I love you.
Speaker 3 (02:29):
Right.
Speaker 1 (02:29):
Yeah, I love you.
That's and that sounds.
The more we've we're we'relooking at this, understanding
what deeper love looks like it's.
I think that can.
If we're not careful, it canbecome a shallow word in our
relationships.
Speaker 2 (02:46):
True, true.
Well, it can just become aphrase.
Speaker 3 (02:50):
Yes, right, yeah, you can't really say that you took
the words out of my mouth.
Speaker 2 (02:54):
It just becomes you know, I love you.
You know, I love you.
See you later, yeah.
Speaker 1 (02:57):
And we say that a lot , I think due to the fact of who
we are and the people thatwe're around.
But it hit me right before wewent on air.
I can say I love you tosomebody at church or you know,
whatever a friend but it is notas deep as what I have for you.
Right, when I say I love you,there's a whole lot of stuff
(03:21):
good, bad and everything inbetween that goes into that
phrase.
I mean there's a depth to thatthat is totally different than
any other relationship that Ihave.
Speaker 2 (03:35):
It's true.
Speaker 1 (03:36):
And that's the way it should be.
Speaker 2 (03:37):
Yes, I can think of something funny that happened at
work.
And for everybody that's outhere listening to us, maybe
you've done the same thing.
You know, like I said, when itbecomes just part of your
vocabulary and just like aphrase, has anyone ever been on
a call at work?
Right, I have to answer thephone sometimes and I can
(03:58):
remember one day, for somereason, hanging up with this
woman who had called an employeeand I don't know why, but I
said, okay, well, thank you,love you, bye, hung up the phone
and was just mortified, like Ijust told that woman, I love her
.
What in this world, you know,because it was just like you
(04:21):
know.
Speaker 1 (04:21):
Did you know her that well?
No.
Speaker 2 (04:24):
Oh, I don't, didn't know her at all.
No, you know, but it's like youknow.
Have you ever called, like youknow, your mom or your kids?
You know, I call Maddie, youknow, of course, and I get her
to hang up.
All right, well, love you, I'lltalk to you later.
Bye, you know, it was just like.
Yeah, it just it was like inthe flow and for some reason I
said it, but I bet there aresome of you out there who've
(04:45):
done the same thing.
Speaker 1 (04:46):
So my positive spin on that is there's two things.
One maybe that lady just neededto hear somebody say I love you
.
Maybe, and then two goes back towhat you just said, what we
were almost at the same time aphrase.
It becomes a phrase like hello,yes, when you say it, so much
Sure, but the bottom line isagain.
(05:08):
So today we're looking at,we're going to go ahead and tell
you what we're going to talkabout.
We're going to talk about theword love, we're going to talk
about the word trust and theword to depend on.
Speaker 2 (05:20):
Our dependability.
Speaker 1 (05:21):
Dependability that you have for your spouse and, as
I was thinking about that, it'sjust proving the point when you
each relationship has differentlevels to it In a marriage,
that's what we're talking aboutlearning how to take that
relationship to a deeper level.
(05:41):
When I say I love you, there'sa lot that goes with that,
there's trust that's built inthat and there's over time and
over the years that we've beenmarried, there's I know I can
depend on you.
Sure, yeah.
So what's some of the things?
I've got some definitions.
I've got all kinds of differentthings since you think you want
(06:03):
to jump in with, or what's yourthoughts?
Speaker 2 (06:06):
Well, I know we said love is the first word, right
Love, then trust, thendependability.
I think we talk a lot aboutlove on our podcast episodes and
we did discuss already.
But for some of you who maybedidn't listen to the previous
(06:28):
episode, what's wrong with you?
Speaker 1 (06:29):
Go back and listen to it.
No, I'm joking, I'm sorry.
Speaker 2 (06:31):
We were talking about deeper love.
So there's the love that youhave when you first meet as a
couple.
There's a love that leads allthe way up to the wedding day.
Speaker 1 (06:46):
Right.
Speaker 2 (06:47):
And that love is so special and so wonderful in its
own way.
Just amazing.
You know you found the personyou want to spend the rest of
your life with, the excited waythat you feel when you're around
each other and just how muchenjoyment you take in spending
(07:07):
time together and and I love allof that about that first
initial love.
And then you know we talk about,you know that you get to your
wedding day and you marry thisperson and then you walk into
married life and then over weeks, months and those first few
years you really start to learnso much more about each other.
(07:30):
You know because you, you marrythe idea of that person, of
what you know, of thisindividual that you meet and
then marry.
But then, as time goes on, yourealize how complex your spouse
is and at times even howcomplicated and how how
beautifully alike and differentthat you are, uh, when it comes
(07:55):
to each other, and how youcompliment each other and how
you contrast each other and justall these amazing things, and
in all of that, that's what cantake you from that initial first
love to a second love, if wecan call it that that is even a
deeper love.
(08:15):
Because, now you're beginningto love this person as a whole
as everything that they are.
That's a lot, it's a lot, yeahit really is, because you're
that's a lot.
It's a lot.
Yeah, it really is, because Iknow I'm a lot you know, and
it's wonderful, you know,because, yeah, you start to
really begin to love the wholeperson.
(08:39):
You see the quirks, right, wesee each other.
Yes, oh yeah, absolutely, butbut we, that's a good word we
see the quirks as part of thewhole of what makes this person
right.
You can get hung up on a quirk,right, you can really get hung
there right.
But if you think, oh well, youknow that that little quirk is
(09:02):
not all of who this person is.
There's so much more I love somuch more.
You know that little quirk isnot all of who this person is
there's so much more.
I love so much more you know,and so that's that second love
that we're talking about.
Speaker 1 (09:12):
I've got one great definition which goes this just
happened to be something I found, but we used this word a lot on
the last episode about complex.
It says love is often definedas a deep, complex emotion
characterized by intimacy,commitment and the word trust,
care, affection and mutualrespect, where partners I like
(09:36):
this word actively choose tosupport and understand each
other, often including elementsof passion and attraction, while
accepting each other's flawsand working together through
challenges.
Speaker 2 (09:50):
Wow, that's great.
Speaker 1 (09:51):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (09:52):
Really good.
Speaker 1 (09:53):
Yeah.
So when you said that word lastweek it was right at the end of
the episode and it just reallyhit me and you just touched on
it again complex, and then youjust said learning to love the
whole person.
Sorry, my brain is that's kindof captured my thoughts right
now.
That's just a big you know.
I wrote this down.
(10:14):
I think it's important forcouples.
If you're listening today, haveyou?
You mentioned the wedding dayand we make our vows and we say
these things.
Do we really?
Let me rephrase this I don'tknow if we really understand the
depth of what we're saying whenwe say the vows, because when
we say the word I love you, ifit's just a phrase, versus
(10:39):
understanding the depths and therequirements that it's going to
take to fulfill that, Right.
I think it would be healthy forcouples to realize what they're
stepping into.
Speaker 2 (10:51):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (10:51):
Because that's the difference.
We've heard this phrase forquite a while, but that's the
difference between a contractwith somebody and you're making
in a spiritual sense, which iswhat marriage is a covenant with
someone, and that's a bigdifference.
Just saying you know, because Ilove you, but that's not the
same thing.
When I say I love pizza, Idon't trust the pizza, I trust
(11:15):
you, and so we have tounderstand that those phrases
can mean more in differentsituations.
I guess is what?
Speaker 2 (11:23):
I'm trying to say mean more can mean more in
different situations.
I guess that's what I'm tryingto say.
When you think about the vows Imean I know a lot of times now
these days people create theirown vows and I think that's
really sure neat too.
I love that, um.
But you know, when you thinkabout the classic vows that you
would hear at weddings, you knowin sickness and health, you
know in good times and in badtimes, um.
So basically, in the highs, thehighest of highs, and in the
(11:44):
lowest of lows, I am saying I'mfor you and you're for me.
And we are in this together.
We are standing here saying wechoose each other to spend the
rest of our lives together, andthat is so like you said.
(12:04):
You know and and, and that isso like you said.
It is so big, it is so muchmore than what, uh, you know, in
culture today, I think there'sso much emphasis on the wedding
day.
Right, I can scroll throughinstagram, facebook, pinterest,
anything like that, and put inyou know weddings, and it is
(12:28):
just unreal how much is devotedto the wedding day, even the you
know the preliminary things,the bachelor party, the you know
bridesmaids doing theirbachelorette thing or whatever.
There's just all this emphasison it.
But then how much emphasis ison the day after the wedding day
(12:51):
, I mean the honeymoon's there?
Speaker 1 (12:52):
and that's great, or leading up to it, which that's a
big part of what we do ispremarital.
Speaker 2 (12:56):
Yeah, premarital, yes , absolutely Love it, love it,
love it.
What does?
Speaker 1 (13:00):
it look like when I'm I'm man, I think we've just
opened up a wonderful can ofworms.
But what are we saying whenwe're saying I want to again?
You just said that I want tospend the rest of my life with
people, and I think that's wherenot with people.
Speaker 2 (13:15):
What?
Sorry, well, maybe with somepeople I want to spend the rest
of my life with all 10 of you.
Sorry, that's okay.
Speaker 1 (13:26):
You knew what he meant out there folks.
Speaker 2 (13:28):
You knew I was going to jump in, if you knew, yeah.
Speaker 1 (13:30):
I'm glad you trust me there's a point that I'll come
back to that in a minute.
But when you say I want tospend the rest of my life with
this person, which may havepeople involved with it.
I'm not sure at this point, butwhen you say that, man, it's
just really hitting me.
As we're talking about this.
There should be a healthyweight on that.
(13:53):
What do?
Speaker 2 (13:56):
you mean by weight?
Speaker 1 (13:56):
In other words, what you just said, there's so much
weightiness in a positive way ofsaying again I want to spend
the rest of my life with thisperson.
If that one day, how much?
And again, we're not opposed tobig weddings or bachelor
parties.
Speaker 2 (14:13):
That's not what we're saying.
I'm not saying anything.
What we're?
Speaker 1 (14:16):
saying is where you start out.
What do you?
How do you prepare yourself forwedding the wet in the wedding
day?
And then, how do you prepareyourself for wedding the wet in
the wedding day, and then, howdo you prepare yourself?
Like you said, once you're,once you say those I do, are you
prepared to be married?
Speaker 2 (14:31):
Right, that's where my focus is.
The wedding day is awesome.
And you can find a millionthings on how to have the most
incredible wedding you couldever imagine, but what about
after the wedding?
Yeah, after the honeymoon.
Now we're married.
Speaker 1 (14:46):
And we're living, doing life day in, day out
together.
Speaker 2 (14:50):
Yes, which is really why these three words love, love
gets us there right.
Love's the beginning, it's thespark.
But then what about trust?
And what about dependability?
Speaker 1 (15:02):
Do you have something or a definition that you've got
for trust?
What does that look like?
I've got a few things here, butwhat have you got?
Speaker 2 (15:08):
One thing is that I found that I thought was great.
It says when partners trusteach other so we're talking
about the trusting piece therelationship is not threatened
during times of conflict.
Right, because this is, this isall part of it.
Right, we're, we're trustingeach other and then we're
married now and there's going tobe times of conflict.
(15:32):
But when trust is there, whenpartners truly trust each other,
the relationship is notthreatened when there's times of
conflict.
Yeah, so even if something getsheated between the two of you,
it still means feelings get tobe shared instead of just two
(15:54):
people acting out in anger, whentrust is there and trust is
developed right.
Trust is not like a packagedeal.
I love you, I trust you.
I think it is to a degree.
I mean of course, who you fallin love with, you should be able
to feel a sense of like, wow, Itrust this person, but then
trust is so complex we're goingto talk about the word complex.
(16:17):
You will find, walking intomarried life, that there are so
many different degrees, levelsand situations.
Where trust should be therewill be developed to be there.
Speaker 1 (16:33):
But it'll also be tested.
Speaker 3 (16:35):
Ooh.
Speaker 1 (16:37):
Yeah, I mean, that's what we're really talking about,
because, again, we're talkingabout, obviously, love, trust
and being dependability onsomebody.
So being dependable, yeah,being dependable, so trust and
we talk about this word a lotemotional connection.
So trust also speaks toemotional connection.
And when trust is strong, whichis what we're saying it says to
(17:00):
your partner that they care,yes, which deepens love, which
takes it from just thegoosebumps, takes it from just
the wedding day.
Again, we're painting thispicture now of real life, day in
, day out.
Trust is that emotionalconnection that is built from
(17:21):
the love that says I care foryou.
Speaker 2 (17:24):
Yes, and trust means I get to be my true self.
Speaker 1 (17:29):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (17:29):
Okay, and I get to rely or depend on my partner for
support.
Speaker 1 (17:37):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (17:37):
So here's where the trust piece grows.
Just so we're really clear onthis.
Trust is extremely important.
When you are looking for yourspouse, okay, trust is huge.
But within the realm, withinthe covenant of married life, I
(17:59):
think to get to be like for me,to get to be my true self, I can
think of our own marriage.
Okay, I remember thinking can Ibe my true self?
Because there were things inmyself that I wasn't even
comfortable with within my ownself.
(18:21):
You know, on the inside, theinside right To to be vulnerable
with or to say you know samehere you know, and I think that
is real you know,in relationships.
I mean, we're we're falling inlove and we see the very best of
each other and of course wepresent the best of each other.
I mean, you know, Put somepaint on that thing.
(18:44):
You know, make it look.
You know you want to presentyourself in a way, and that's
kind of sad to say.
I mean, really, it's even hardfor me to speak that out, but no
matter how much you might thinkI'm going to truly be myself, I
still think married lifechanges things.
(19:06):
Yes, and there's still areas ofyour true self that won't be
revealed.
Speaker 1 (19:12):
experienced, Okay, let's stay on that point.
But here's my thought.
With that, I think part of theproblem is we assume that love
and trust go hand in hand and inmarriage it is something that
is developed In any relationship.
But we're talking aboutmarriage, but they don't.
Speaker 2 (19:31):
There's initial love and trust, and then there's this
deeper love and trust.
Speaker 1 (19:36):
Yes, I like that, trust somebody Because, again,
we say that word a lot and Igenuinely, and I know you well
enough, you mean it.
When you say I love you, but Ican love you, I don't see I'm
not with that person like I amwith you.
And even in a generalrelationship and a friendship,
there can be deeper friendshipsthat you have than others
(19:57):
because you have developed trust, because you know that you
trust their character, you trustthe person they are, the
strength that they carry.
Speaker 2 (20:05):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (20:06):
That they're there with you.
You know that you can rely onthem, which will lead us here in
just a second to be able todepend on them.
So love in a marriage is morethan just feelings, yes, but as
trust is developed, it developsdeeper emotional connection in
that relationship.
Speaker 2 (20:26):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (20:27):
Yes, I've got this written down too.
This is from a book called theSpeed of Trust.
It's mainly a book dealing withleadership, but this is such a
great example of what we'retalking about that when you have
trust, it says, in a high-trustrelationship you can say the
wrong thing and people or yourpartner in this situation will
still get your meaning.
(20:47):
But in a low trust relationship, you can be very measured, even
precise, and you'll still bemisinterpreted.
Speaker 2 (20:55):
Wow, yeah, that's really good so that's where you,
you know that's.
Speaker 1 (21:01):
And we've talked about gratitude, we talked about
forgiveness and all thosethings that takes to have a
healthy marriage.
In that statement that you andI say all the time that's our
baseline I'm for you and you'refor me, which that phrase comes
out of the word trust.
I know you're for me.
You're never going to get itall right in a relationship and
(21:23):
in marriage.
How?
you say it, how you present it,you're going to say the wrong
things.
But when you have love that hasdeveloped into trust, even when
you miss it, you know oh, waita minute how did you say that?
Speaker 2 (21:38):
I'm not quite sure.
Speaker 1 (21:40):
But I know you're for me.
Speaker 2 (21:41):
Yeah, yeah, that's really good.
Yeah, that's so good.
Yeah, that's so good.
Speaker 1 (21:44):
Because you've got to realize what we're talking
about is not only that trust isbuilt, but as trust.
If you feel you've lost trustin somebody, we're not going to
spend a lot of time on that, andtrust has to be rebuilt.
Speaker 2 (21:59):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (21:59):
That begins with consistency, which is what I was
just talking about.
That begins with consistency,which is what I was just talking
about.
It's when you've got a trackrecord in your relationship that
says, man, I know she's for meand this is a blip in the road.
Or maybe I didn't explain myexpectations or what I was
(22:20):
needing from you in that moment.
Again, coming back and makingsure to look at myself first
before I start havingaccusations and things of that
nature, but which leads us tolearning how to depend on our
spouse.
What have you got on that?
Speaker 2 (22:37):
So we're going to talk about healthy dependence.
I think that it begins with anopen communication, which is
what we're talking about rightnow.
I think it's also important tohave mutual respect, shared
goals.
Speaker 1 (22:54):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (22:56):
And then supportive behavior that balances the give
and take of the relationship.
Speaker 1 (23:02):
What does that mean?
What's that look like?
Speaker 2 (23:04):
So to me, when I think about dependability, there
are seasons in married life,there are highs and lows, and
there are experiences based ontwo people happening under one
roof, right, and thoseexperiences can be very
(23:26):
different because in marriedlife, just like us, for all the
years we've been married, wehave worked jobs right.
Had careers going and we haveall kinds of experiences
happening to us dailyindividually, and you know you
come home after a hard day ofwork or seasons where work life
(23:50):
is super hectic for one andmaybe a little more chill for
the other.
Right, you know like I'm justtalking about this in the most
practical way.
Sure talking about this in themost practical way and we've
been in those seasons beforewhere like certain months would
be, you know in your career,like those are.
those are months that it's alittle slower and there's a lot
(24:11):
more room for flexibility, it'sa good word.
And then for me, at the sametime, I mean, it is just like
white knuckle.
You go in the door and you girdyour loins and say, dear God,
help me make it through this day, right.
And so, in those very practicalways, there's this supportive
(24:31):
behavior that I know I'veexperienced from you, where you
see me stressed out, you know,and just the simplest phrase of
just saying, hey, what do youneed from me right now?
Is there anything that I coulddo, for you have meant the world
to me, man, we're not talkingabout fixing, let me just inject
(24:53):
that.
Speaker 1 (24:54):
They're not asking for your opinion, your advice.
If they want that, let themtell you.
Don't assume that you've gotthe answer.
I just want to throw thatbecause, as a disclaimer, there
are men out there that we Ithink that's the number one
thing that causes arguments theyjust assume that you want me to
fix that.
Speaker 2 (25:14):
Yes, there are many female listeners right now
screaming yes, it's so true, Idon't want to chase a rabbit
with this, but I do want to sayno, go ahead and chase, okay.
Speaker 1 (25:25):
But, what I do want to say is you know, on both
sides, that's where trust isdeveloped, that's where you
learn to depend on and, in thissituation, learn to develop the
skill of saying what you needand what you don't need.
The skill of saying what youneed and what you don't need,
and in that I mean where Robinhas it was a great gift that she
(25:47):
gave me and vice versa, whereshe would just tell me what was
going on.
I didn't have to fix it.
But if she wanted my opinion orshe had wanted my advice, she
would say a phrase which wedeveloped years ago, say, hey,
what do you think about this?
Or I need your input on this.
And that changed my responseand it freed me up just to
(26:08):
connect and sync up with heremotionally, without feeling
like I'm having to listen toevery word, knowing that I've
got to have an answer for it.
Speaker 2 (26:17):
Right, Right.
So just a simple phrase of yousaying hey, do you need
something from me right now?
I mean, it could be that I justneed for you to listen and I'm
going to dump the truck, whichis a little phrase that we use.
In other words, you know, I'mjust, I just need to just
verbalize the craziness of thisday and you don't have to fix
(26:38):
anything.
But if I can just dump this outof my brain, yeah, out of my
mind.
I am just going to be so muchmore relaxed so that that could
be one way for me that I woulduh, decompress from the day.
Um, but then it could bepractical things like yes, you
know what, um, I was going tofix.
(27:00):
To fix like we love sweetpotatoes.
We have a mild obsession withsweet potatoes.
If you spend any time with us,I don't know what it's about.
Speaker 1 (27:08):
Like we love sweet potato fries, sweet potato tots
sweet potato anything.
Speaker 2 (27:13):
We are all about it.
So I might say to you like, hey, I was going to make like
homemade sweet potato friestonight.
Could you go ahead and washthose sweet potatoes for me and
chop them up so we can get themready for the air fryer?
I'm going to go change clothesor I just need 20 minutes to
just lay down in silence andjust rest for a moment.
So I have the energy that youknow I can spend time with you.
(27:35):
It could mean so many things,but you get the idea.
Just that simple question thatyou've asked me time and time
again.
Speaker 1 (27:46):
And that develops your ability to depend on you.
Speaker 2 (27:49):
Yes, you're showing me.
Hey, I'm dependable.
Speaker 1 (27:54):
I want to be a good partner to you, and so All of
these words love, trust andbeing able are action words,
Because marriage involves action.
Yes, I think that's the thingyou know.
Again, we talked about trustrequires consistency.
Now I want to be clear.
We're not talking about whenwe're saying depending on
(28:16):
somebody.
We're not talking aboutexpecting perfection.
Right, that's not what we'retalking about, Right?
Speaker 2 (28:21):
Not unhealthy, Not healthy what we're talking about
Right, not unhealthy.
Speaker 1 (28:23):
Not or like codependency.
Speaker 2 (28:25):
Yeah, codependency.
Speaker 1 (28:27):
Or to codependency.
We're not.
Don't hear us saying this aswell, too.
If you're out there,codependency is where you just
like.
Well, that's just the way theyare, or you just let someone
enable their behavior.
Speaker 2 (28:40):
That's not what we're talking about.
Well, usually a codependentperson.
It's kind of like you know, Iwant to be okay, and for me to
be okay, I need to makeeverybody around me be okay,
Because if everybody around meis okay, then I'm going to be
okay and then we're all okaytogether.
Speaker 1 (28:54):
And that's just completely unrealistic.
But that's not love or trust.
Speaker 2 (28:56):
Right, and there's so many other layers to
codependency, we won't even jumpoff onto that train because
that's a whole notherconversation.
But what I'm saying is you know, a good partnership and to me a
good partnership means thatneither spouse is fully
accommodating each other.
Both are able to ask for helpwhen they need it, and you know,
(29:18):
we're in this thing togetherright, which I think most people
don't understand.
Speaker 1 (29:24):
You know again all these words when they interlock
with each other that's whatwe're saying helps you develop
that deeper love, because when Ican depend upon you, it also
says I can trust you, also saysthat I love you, and when you
put those together it says, likewhat you said earlier, we're
not going to give up.
Speaker 3 (29:44):
Right.
Speaker 1 (29:45):
When there's moments in our life, when there's
situations in our relationshipsthat are tough, it says we're in
this thing together.
Yes, I mean, I'm not trying tobe silly with this, whatever.
But if you kept asking me,we'll just stay with the sweet
potatoes, which is a great topicfor us.
But if you kept asking me to dothat, and every time I said I
(30:08):
forgot.
Now there's an issue, right,because it's just-.
Speaker 2 (30:14):
Yeah, I would question gosh, does he care?
Speaker 1 (30:16):
I mean, think about all the things that begin to
spin in your head.
Speaker 2 (30:19):
You can assume so many things, oh wow, I mean,
think about all the things thatbegin to spin in your head.
So many things, oh wow, youknow, I mean we're using the
word being dependable, but yes,and that's a chore.
We realize that, and you guysknow when you're under distress,
when you're in seasons ofstressfulness, and this could be
, you know, pertaining to thecareer you're in, or your new
(30:40):
parents, or you've moved to anew city, taken on a new job.
Gosh, there's just so manydifferent examples that we could
give.
But you know, in those seasonsof change and believe you, me, I
mean married life is, it's achange.
Speaker 1 (30:59):
Continual.
Speaker 2 (31:00):
It's, and it continually changes.
Yes, yes, If you're hearingthis for the first time we're 60
years old and we're in a wholenew season of change yet again,
absolutely and and change.
A lot of people don't likechange.
Speaker 1 (31:14):
I don't understand that.
I get it.
I don't.
Speaker 2 (31:16):
I mean I get sometimes familiarity is very
that predictability feels safe.
Speaker 1 (31:23):
But it's unrealistic.
I mean the day that I asked youto go out for the first time,
the day that you said I do, andtoday we're all.
We're different people.
Speaker 2 (31:35):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (31:36):
I mean the moment you said I do you become husband?
You're different, it's justdifferent.
There's no way around it, rightI?
Speaker 2 (31:42):
think there was.
Well, who was it?
We heard one time say I've beenmarried to five different men
in my life, but they're all thesame guy, because it's like
there's just constant change.
So the yeah, the Rob that Imarried in in his twenties Ooh,
that guy.
And that guy was awesome.
Speaker 1 (31:59):
He was, but he's got it.
Speaker 3 (32:01):
He was just learning he was.
Speaker 1 (32:02):
He was great, I fell in love with him, I'll let him
off the hook, yeah.
Speaker 2 (32:17):
Don't be making fun of that 20-something-year-old.
Speaker 1 (32:19):
Rob.
Okay, all right Way to go,buddy.
Good job, you know, and thenthe're fixed to be 61.
Sorry, I was supposed to saythat out loud In March.
Speaker 2 (32:26):
Yeah, it's true, it's coming.
Speaker 3 (32:28):
It's a coming folks yeah.
Speaker 2 (32:30):
But you know, it's like that you look awesome.
Thank you.
I appreciate that.
But you know, it's just so manychanges and, yeah, when you
embrace that and learn andexperience in each other, you
know through the decades,literally talking about deeper
(32:52):
love is just awesome right.
Speaker 1 (32:54):
I want to close with this.
I just kept sitting herethinking about that you learn to
love the whole person.
Yep, sitting here thinkingabout that, you learn to love
the whole person.
Now, if you're listening tothis, again, we're not talking
about excusing behaviors orthat's not what we're talking
about or abuse, that's not whatwe're talking about.
But it's when, if you desire tohave a relationship that grows
(33:15):
and develops, these words haveto become part of who you are,
have to become part of who youare.
It's that again, it's thatbinding together that creates a
wonderful, lasting, longrelationship.
And if you're missing, just toencourage you, I don't care how
long you've been married or ifit's short time or a long time
(33:36):
you can still get back on trackwith these things but, like what
you said, to pretend that maybeyou know you've lost that love
and feeling.
Yeah, whatever you know and youmay feel that you may be at that
place in your life, right now,in your relationship, but you
can get back to it, but you'renot going to get back to it or
develop it without discussing it.
Speaker 2 (33:56):
True.
Speaker 1 (33:57):
Or you're just hoping that it will get better, right?
No, hoping that it's going toget better is not going to
happen.
You've got to put forth someeffort, like what you said about
the wedding.
You know we obviously believe incounseling you know and getting
coaching or whatever you need,but find somebody that can help
you.
Yeah, find somebody you cantalk to about these things, that
(34:19):
can help you maybe navigatesome of these things that you've
not been able to get to on yourown, but that's the only way
you're going to get there.
That's the only way thesethings are not only developed
but redirected back and getyourself back on course.
Speaker 2 (34:32):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (34:34):
This is good.
Speaker 2 (34:35):
Yeah, really good.
Speaker 1 (34:36):
So love, trust and dependability Got to have those
things.
Yeah, we're gonna probably sithere and stare each other for a
few minutes after we go up theair, just because we're in deep
thought right now.
So but, all joking aside, Ihope you do the same.
You know we love it when we hearcouples that tell us they
listen to the podcast togetheryeah, it's good, so we hope
(34:58):
we've maybe jolted you a littlebit for you to have some
discussions today about whattrue, deep, loving relationships
look like.
Yeah, all right, and thanks, asalways, for listening.
Yeah, thanks, hey, tell afriend Again we believe in what
we do, but we could use somemore listeners.
(35:20):
Believe in what we do, but wecould use some more listeners.
So if you enjoyed this episode,forward it to a friend and say,
hey, this podcast might besomething you enjoy.
So, we'd appreciate it.
Yeah, all right guys, we'll seeyou soon.
Talk to you soon.
Speaker 3 (35:32):
Bye.
You've been listening toMarriage and Us, with your hosts
, Rob and Robin Adkins.
Stay up to date by followingthem on Instagram at
marriageandus underscore podcastand on Twitter at marriageandus
.
Also hit the follow button soyou never miss an episode from
your favorite couple.
Popular Podcasts
Bookmarked by Reese's Book Club
Welcome to Bookmarked by Reese’s Book Club — the podcast where great stories, bold women, and irresistible conversations collide! Hosted by award-winning journalist Danielle Robay, each week new episodes balance thoughtful literary insight with the fervor of buzzy book trends, pop culture and more. Bookmarked brings together celebrities, tastemakers, influencers and authors from Reese's Book Club and beyond to share stories that transcend the page. Pull up a chair. You’re not just listening — you’re part of the conversation.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com