NAVIGATING THE LOVE, LOSS AND LEGACY OF A HUSBAND: THE PASTOR BARR’S STORY

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In this heartfelt episode of "Marriage and Real Life," Pastor Barr shares a deeply personal and inspiring journey through marriage, faith, and loss. She reflects on the profound themes of compromise, communication, and the central role of Christ in maintaining a strong relationship. Through stories of her own marriage, listeners gain valuable insights into the dynamics of love, prayer, and mutual respect.

Key takeaways from this episode include practical advice on financial planning, goal-setting, and the importance of open dialogue in avoiding unmet expectations. Pastor Barr, with her moving account of supporting her late husband through illness, shows the strength that faith and compassion bring during difficult times.

The conversation highlights the emotional journey of grief and the need for self-care, particularly within the African-American community. As Pastor Barr discusses the powerful concept of the "I love you box," introduced by Wesley Ferguson through the chat, the episode emphasizes preparing for the future and living a life aligned with one's values.

Whether navigating marriage challenges or seeking deeper connection, this episode offers a rich exploration of love, resilience, and legacy. Join the conversation and reflect on how faith and commitment shape our lives.

Watch the live show on Youtube.

Follow us on Facebook & Instagram at @marriageinreallifepodcast

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
Well, welcome to Marriage and Real Life.
Welcome, well, we're so gladthat you could join us today for
this special occasion in seasonthree.
Are you excited about it?
I am so excited, all right.
All right, good to go.
All right, we're going to givea hand clap out to everybody
who's watching.

(00:20):
Make sure you tell us whereyou're watching from, put it in
there in the chat, you know, sowe can give you a shout out
throughout the show.
Um, as well, you know.
So we want to make sure we dothat, uh.
So, hey, you know what's whathappened these last two weeks.
You know we always started outwith that.
Well, we, you know, we've beenso busy.
Um, talking to your mic, babe.

(00:40):
Okay, let me pull it a littlebit close.
Yeah, you know, I don't knowwhy you can't get that right.

Speaker 2 (00:45):
You know what?
Let's not start that.
Okay, so it's here, so I don'twant to turn this way.

Speaker 1 (00:53):
Can you scoot over there?

Speaker 2 (00:54):
Okay, I can scoot over.

Speaker 1 (00:55):
Yeah, there you go.
Okay, I know you're trying tobe close to me and everything.

Speaker 2 (01:05):
You know, I know, all right, good to go.
You know, smell good, look good.

Speaker 1 (01:10):
All right.

Speaker 2 (01:10):
Date night.
We went on date night Fridaynight, oh thank you, babe.
You took me down to what wasthe name of the restaurant
Delray.

Speaker 1 (01:17):
I don't forget the name of the restaurant.
Was it something?
Houston something?
No, it wasn't no Houston.
You thinking of the marriageretreat?
That wasn't no used to you.
You thinking of the marriageretreat?

Speaker 2 (01:24):
that wasn't you know okay, well, nevertheless, I had
a fantastic time okay good, allright, so good, you're gonna
clap for me.

Speaker 1 (01:32):
Yeah, I did good.
You know you might do all right, all right, so I did good.
Yeah, we had a good time atdell, right, I wish, you know,
uh, we could have walked it alittle bit, but it would start
raining, yeah, you know, andeverything like that.
So, so, yeah, so that was it.
You know, I got a call todayfrom from Nikki, you know,
talking about you know, ourgrandbaby, who you who came and

(01:53):
you said that she was a genius.

Speaker 2 (01:55):
He was a genius, all right, tell y'all.
Y'all, leave me, oh God.

Speaker 1 (01:59):
Here we go again.
All right.
So yeah, again all right.
So yeah, you know.
And that you know in fifthgrade she has, they have um
already marked her to be takingum high school courses in the
seventh grade and then in 11thgrade, be beyond doing dual
enrollment.
So they've already marked herto doing that.

(02:19):
She's getting like a hundredpercent.
Um, she said that you knowjuicy has been turning in work
and has been you know what's theword Organized.
I said Juicy, oh Lord, notJuicy, not the Juicy we know,
you know, but you know how thatgo.
But hey, you know, I'm so proudof Juicy.
You predicted it or did youprophesy it?
Which one is it?

Speaker 2 (02:40):
I got to be careful with my mouth alright, I did I
told y'all, in the field that Iwork in, I've come across
zillions of children, frominfancy up to 5 years old.
I've seen it all, but I hadnever seen anybody just so
focused like she was, even likeat 4 months.

(03:03):
I used to read to Nikki's bellyum green eggs and ham.
Green eggs and ham or read itto her belly every night like
you ready?
she's like mom.
I'm like listen, I'm giving herbedtime story and I remember
babysitting her.
She had to be like maybe threeand a half, almost four months
and I say, well, let's read astory.
And I, when I grabbed the book,I said green eggs and ham.
And this little baby leaped outmy lap to grab that book and I

(03:25):
guess she was like wait a minute, I know this.
And I was like babe, this isnot normal.
So I was like she a genius.
I told y'all.
But we got this other onecoming up and she's smart too
yeah yeah, she's smart too.

Speaker 1 (03:35):
Yeah, matter of fact, leading on to my, we had a mod
this weekend and royal we did.
Grandparent and god, parent,dude and boy, look at him.
We were exhausted At the churchon Sunday.
Boy, I don't usually take a nap, I watch football, but Lord, I
had to take a nap.
Boy, they wore me out.
Y'all out there on the paintingand twisting.

(03:57):
I'm out there dealing with themtwo, boy, I'm telling you.
But it was good, it was good.

Speaker 2 (04:02):
That's another thing.
Me and the ladies of the churcha few of them couldn't make it
this time, but we did dopainting with a twist, with a
breast cancer awareness thing wehad a good time.
Of course I don't paint verywell, so I told Lee, can I just
use my fingers?
And she was like we're in thisother finger painting class,
that's where I should be, Ishould not be over here.

(04:26):
But it turned out great andI've truly, truly enjoyed
spending time with them, Becausesometimes you got to get
outside of the walls of thechurch and fellowship.

Speaker 1 (04:35):
Yeah that's right, that was great, that was a great
time, and you know, and so weknow that this month is Breast
cancer awareness month anddomestic violence a month.
You know, I know some otherthings, but these are those are
the two main things, and we justwant to make sure that not
every you know everybody.
You know.
You know you get to get checkedand breast cancer you know it's

(04:59):
a myth that is only for women,it's for men as well.
So we got to make sure we getcheck as well.
So we just want to just give aclap to all the breast cancer
survivors, yeah yeah, yeah, yeah, you did it, you did it, you
went through some heartaches andsome pains, and and for those
who's going through, I just wantto let them know that God got

(05:21):
you Right.
Right, god got you.
You know he cares for you.
I preached that messageyesterday.
I ended it, finally ended mysermon series.
Huh, yeah, uh, you know, uh, hecares for you and he really
does cares for you.
And so, and with domesticviolence, I tell you what a joke
.
Would better not be hitting ona woman, a woman, I'm telling

(05:42):
you.
Now, you know you have to goand lay some hands and get some
oil, get some special hands, andthat's another myth too is that
you know that it only happenedto women.
It happens to men too, and andsometimes you know, like, like
Jordan had said to me, you know,being ashamed is, is a thing

(06:03):
that keep a lot of Christians,you know, from telling their
story because they are ashamedand, and a lot of men, they'd be
ashamed that they're beingabused by their wives, you know
and I'm talking about physicallyabused, you know, and so we got
to just let it out, you know,and don't be ashamed, and so I
thank God that real life churchis a safe place that you can

(06:25):
talk and there's no judgment andyou know, if something like
that is happening, we want to beable to deal with it in the
right way.
Right, all right.

Speaker 2 (06:34):
And just a shout out to you know, as a domestic
violence survivor myself, youknow a lot of people don't
realize that it starts in highschool.

Speaker 1 (06:44):
Wow.

Speaker 2 (06:44):
These young boys.
They control and dominate thesegirls and they think it's okay
because he's cute and he's onthe football team.
So if you know of a young girl,if she's just popping up with
bruises out of nowhere and she'snot athletic or she's hiding,
just pull her to the side.
I think if someone were to pullme to the side, I would have

(07:07):
realized my value and notcontinued in that violent
relationship.
It's not just the physical,it's the power, it's the control
of them, thinking of them,wanting to have every aspect of
you and you think it's all fun.
And you think it's all fun andyou think it's just so cute.

(07:27):
He loves me.
He don't like when I talk tothe next guy.
No, baby girl, he finna.
What do y'all call it infootball?
Is it basketball?
Okie doke?

Speaker 1 (07:35):
He finna okie doke you, let's box a bit.

Speaker 2 (07:38):
See, I don't even know.
Boy, I tell you but he fingoing to give you the business.
So you know they really needsomeone to encourage them and
let them know that it's a betterway.
It's a better way.
So I just the Lord had laid itin my mind in prayer this
morning about teenagers and theyreally suffer.

Speaker 1 (08:05):
It's a really, really large percentage of them that
suffer with domestic violence inhigh school and college.
And when it comes down tomarriage, you know if a man is
beating on his spouse and thechildren are saying we got to
understand what the scripturesays, you know that a man should
love his wife as Christ lovedthe church.
I've never heard of Christabusing the church.
I've never heard that, and sosometimes I hate to say this.
But sometimes in the churchamen, I've never heard that, and

(08:26):
so sometimes I hate to say this, but sometimes in the church it
happens more in the church thanit do outside.
It's been happening, and thechurch has been responsible for
keeping women in I hope I don'tget in trouble keeping women
inside the household.
Uh, be saying that, don't worryabout it, baby, just pray for
it, just keep praying, keeppraying.
He going to stop, he going tostop, and the church has been

(08:47):
responsible for a lot of womenthat are dead.
I just said the church isbecause we've been all in these
religious rules and taking thescripture really out of context.
But I've never seen, I've neverheard of the Christ abusing the
church and he never will.
Right, all right.
So hey, that that's it, that'smy spill, that's my sermon for

(09:10):
tonight.
You know I always gotta get alittle sermon.
You know me, I gotta get alittle sermon.
Well, tonight we are so happyto happy.
I'm ecstatic, I'm just, I'mjust overjoyed to have our
guests in the house, pastor Barr.
She's been a dear friend withthe church for a long time and

(09:31):
so we're so glad to, you know,to have her in and have her
speak.
So we're going to welcomePastor Barr.

Speaker 2 (09:40):
Welcome beautiful.

Speaker 1 (09:43):
Hello, all right, all right, hello, hello, all right,
all right, yeah, yeah, we're soglad that you could join us
tonight.
You know so, pastor Barr, howyou doing.

Speaker 4 (09:53):
I'm great, I'm ecstatic to be here.
I'm just so happy that you allthought of little old me oh come
on now.

Speaker 1 (09:59):
Come on now.
Come on now.
Well, before we got, we gotNikki in the house.
You know, from Tallahassee, heyNikki, what's going on?
You know, we got to give him ashout out.
We got the little Richards inthe house.
You got to give a littleRichards, you know, a shout out,
you know.
So just keep letting us knowthat you're in the house, you

(10:21):
know.
So, pastor Bart, tell us alittle bit about yourself.

Speaker 4 (10:24):
Tell us a little bit to the audience and just tell us
a little bit about yourself andeverything.
Well, I'm the senior pastor ofthe New Life Praise and Worship
Center here in Fort Lauderdale,a church that my late husband
and I started At this pointabout 20 years ago.
We started the ministry and webuilt the ministry together and

(10:47):
um we, we went through.
Well, since this is a marriageum marriage podcast, I'll tell
you our story.

Speaker 1 (10:56):
Okay, All right yeah.

Speaker 4 (10:57):
Good, good, my husband and I.
We met in February of 1994.
Okay, we got married in Augustof 1994.

Speaker 1 (11:14):
Oh no, come on, Y'all didn't date that long.

Speaker 4 (11:17):
Six months.

Speaker 1 (11:17):
Oh boy.

Speaker 3 (11:18):
All right.

Speaker 4 (11:19):
Six months All right.
He didn't tell me, but he toldother people.
He told some of his closepeople.
Said when I saw her, that's mywife, that's my wife.

Speaker 1 (11:32):
That's almost like what she said.
You know, she told somebodyyeah yeah.
You know I was a little cute,little something there.

Speaker 4 (11:43):
He said when he saw me, he knew that I was his wife.
And but as we started talking,because a dear friend of ours
introduced us to each other andhe was like he's really
interested, let me give him yournumber.
So and I'm like no, no, no, hewas a pastor and I had grown up
in the church.
I have a lot of family memberswho were in ministry and I

(12:04):
worked in ministry pretty muchall my life.
I want a pastor, and I hadgrown up in the church.
I have a lot of family memberswho were in ministry and I
worked in ministry pretty muchall of my life.
I didn't want a pastor.
I knew what came with that.
I knew the responsibility andthe accountability that came
with that.
So I really didn't want apastor.
And when he kept pursuing me,so I was talking to the Lord and

(12:25):
I'm like Lord, is this what I'msupposed to do?
And he gave me confirmationyeah, this is the one, this is
the one.
So within a six-month period oftime, we were married and then
we stayed married for 28 years.

Speaker 1 (12:41):
All right.

Speaker 4 (12:42):
Awesome 28 years 28 years, 28 years.
We were married until the Lordcalled him home.
And the thing of it is hewasn't just my husband, he was
my best friend.

Speaker 1 (12:53):
All right now.

Speaker 4 (12:55):
He was my best friend .
We were able to work togetherin ministry.
We worked together in life.
We had a blast.
We could confide in each otherand we had a blast.
We had we.
We could confide in each otherand we had a no judgment zone.

Speaker 3 (13:08):
Okay.

Speaker 4 (13:09):
We were able to live life together and we really
enjoyed life together and seeingsome people need to understand
that, even though you have to gothrough struggles in marriage
because nothing is even thoughwe are, though the two are
becoming one flesh, you're stilltwo individuals.

Speaker 1 (13:26):
Yes, sir, yes, sir, yes, sir, you're still two
individuals.

Speaker 4 (13:33):
So he comes with his history, I come with my history,
and then we have to blend ittogether and it comes with
compromise, it comes withcommitment, and that's the
problem a lot of times we don'twant to compromise and we don't
want that commitment.
Oh man we don't want thatcommitment and and, and I always
teach that you, we will.

(13:54):
Christ has to be the first.

Speaker 1 (13:56):
Right, that's right.
We need to be the first.

Speaker 4 (13:58):
I let you know on that one, because going through
some things that you have to gothrough, it'll take God and God
himself to carry you through.
So we always have to have thatChrist at the center, at the
center of everything.
And I think that that was thebiggest thing that really kept
us moving forward, becausethrough the tough times we could

(14:22):
pray together.

Speaker 3 (14:23):
We could pray together so through the tough
times.

Speaker 4 (14:24):
We could pray together.
Okay, we could pray together.
You know, it's easy when we'rehaving fun and when we're
laughing, but when the dartsstart flying, Right.
You're having the issues notonly in your marriage, but if
you're having issues withbecause we were in ministry,
having issues with ministry, wewere able to come and pray
together and so we had thatconnection.

(14:45):
We had a connection, we hadcommitment, we had Christ the
center of everything.
So that helped us a lot in ourjourney.

Speaker 3 (14:57):
Okay, so yeah, did y'all argue.

Speaker 4 (15:01):
I'm not one to argue, oh okay.
He used to get upset because Iwouldn't argue.

Speaker 1 (15:06):
Ooh, that sounds like somebody I know.

Speaker 4 (15:09):
No, I wouldn't argue.
We had disagreements.
Yes, yes, we had disagreements,but I wouldn't argue.
I wouldn't argue.
And it was funny because whenwe got married, he was already a
pastor.
He was a pastor and he was amath coach, so he taught
teachers how to teach.
So he was in leadership in bothof his professions.
I was in leadership in myday-to-day job.

(15:32):
I was an administrator with theschool system, so I told people
what to do.
So when we came home, both ofus were in positions of power.
But when we came home, we hadto release that.
We had to release that.
So I no, I didn't, I didn'targue.
And he, he would say to peopleyou know what, I try to fuss

(15:55):
with her and she won't evenargue.
She won't argue.
No, because.
But I was saying, but it wasfunny because he says you know,
I tell people what to do all thetime.
You're the only person that Ican't just tell what to do.
But yeah, but we were both inpositions of leadership outside

(16:18):
of the home.
So when we came home, we had towork on that, we had to tweak
that and I had to step back alot, step back.
I had to step back sometimesbecause, again, being in a
position of power and being anindependent woman, when we made
that connection, some things hadto change some.

(16:39):
Some things had to change.

Speaker 2 (16:41):
Yeah so did you find it difficult?
Like, like, stepping back andlike because sometimes I have it
, I'd be like you know what Ineed to choose.
I need to tread lightly,because he's not one to argue.
He'll be like okay, pastor,fine, I'll be like.
So now I'm thinking you don'tcare because you don't listen to
my feelings and you're notresponding back.
But I had to realize it took mea long time, okay, and.

(17:07):
But I had to realize it took mea long time, okay, and it took
me a long time to step back andsay, okay, because I come from a
big family, I'm like the oldestof 200 and something,
grandchildren, wow, and it'sjust him, his mom, his sister
and his dad.
But I come from a tribe, okay.
So it was hard for me to tonedown, because in the tribe if
you don't say if down, and thetribe If you don't eat, you

(17:28):
don't eat.
So you had to do a lot ofspeaking out and being noticed
and standing up for yourself Inthe midst of all that.
So it was really hard for me toCome all the way down and say I
don't have to do that anymore.

Speaker 4 (17:43):
Absolutely not, Because they used to call me the
way down and say I don't haveto do that anymore.
Absolutely not.
Yeah, you don't, Because theyused to call me the quiet storm.
Okay.

Speaker 2 (17:50):
I can see that Okay.

Speaker 4 (17:53):
Because I'm not going to argue.
I'm going to tell you what Ifeel.
I'm going to tell you what Ithink should be done, and then
I'm going to step back, andthat's how I operate.
I still operate like that.
Now I'm going to step back, andthat's how I operate.
I still operate like that.
Now, I'm not going to beganybody to do anything.
I'll ask you to.
If I have to ask you more thanthree times, I just assume that
that's not what you want to do.

(18:14):
Right, right, and you have tolearn to choose your battles.
You choose your battles Becauseevery battle is not worth
fighting.
Yeah, every battle is not yours.

Speaker 2 (18:28):
So, yeah, battle is not worth fighting.
Yeah, every battle is not yours.
So, yeah, yeah, every battle isnot yours.
So, stepping back from that,when you, when you said, okay,
because you guys are bothpowerful people and you know
leaders um, how did you managethat?
You just stepped away and say,okay, this, this ain't worth the
fight right now well, it took alot of intervention by the Holy
Spirit.

Speaker 4 (18:48):
Okay, it took a lot of intervention by the Holy
Spirit in order for me to learn,because it is learned behavior
to learn, you know.
Okay, so this isn't even wortha fight, just let that go.
Not everything is.
And then you know what you find, because I'm, I'm, I'm going to

(19:10):
tell you, as you know, the, thelord, set it up where he took
us out of the man.
You know, he took, he took us,we're the rib, we're the rib.
He took us out of the man andhe gave man the position of
leadership.
But and I get a lot of timesquestions that come to me that

(19:32):
say, you know, with coupleswhere, well, she won't submit,
she's not submissive.
And I explain it to them thisway Submission is a compound
word, so to come under Mission,a plan.
So I ask the question what'syour plan?

(20:01):
And a lot of times a lot oftimes they can't give me a plan.
Okay, so how is someonesupposed to come under a plan
that's non-existent?

Speaker 2 (20:13):
Oh yeah, I like that.

Speaker 4 (20:17):
So in most cases, where the battle is, where the
struggle is, is a struggle.
It's a power struggle wherethey're calling it submission
and if you read the scripture,it tells you to submit one to
another.

Speaker 1 (20:32):
Yeah, that's right.
That's right.
It tells you to submit one toanother.

Speaker 4 (20:35):
So if it's a plan, a mutual plan, that makes sense.
Who doesn't want to follow it?

Speaker 1 (20:41):
Yeah, that's right, all right, and that's it, that's
what I'm doing like this.

Speaker 2 (20:47):
I guess I gotta do that I'm always saying you know
what, I will follow you, but youhave to have a plan, and that
plan consists of you followinggod.
As long as you follow god, I'mgonna follow you.
You know, and it's easy for meand we we run into that a lot
too when we do marriagecounseling about why should I
submit?
He need to submit.
Okay, wait a minute.
I have to tell them thatsubmission is not a bad word.

(21:08):
Not at all, it's not a bad wordat all and when he's doing what
he's supposed to do, you'll besubmitting without even knowing
that that's what you're doing.
You'll be submitting with thegut, like you say, with God in
the center of it.

Speaker 4 (21:20):
If, if, if the man, Is it in alignment with?

Speaker 2 (21:27):
the word of.

Speaker 3 (21:28):
God.

Speaker 1 (21:28):
It's easy to follow it's easy to follow Y'all
talking some good stuff we had.
While you were talking, we hadJonathan Russell joining us.
He's saying looking forward tothe words of wisdom and gems
that will be shared in thisepisode.
We got Ferg.

Speaker 2 (21:42):
Hey.

Speaker 1 (21:43):
Ferg.
We thank God for Jonathan andFerg.

Speaker 2 (21:47):
Thank you for joining us.

Speaker 1 (21:48):
Yes yes, I guess it goes on to the question when you
said compromise, was itdifficult to compromise as well?
You know, given you being anindependent woman, Was it very
difficult for you to compromise.

Speaker 4 (22:06):
It was something that I had to step back and look at
myself.
I had to look at myself becauseI was accustomed to getting
what I wanted when I wanted itand how I wanted it.

Speaker 3 (22:21):
Yeah yeah, yeah, amen .

Speaker 4 (22:26):
And so I had to step back and take a look at myself.
Take a look at myself andrealize that not everything was
necessary.
Not everything was necessary.
And so, as long as it was acompromise, that was for the
good of the relationship, why,why won't you do it?

(22:48):
Why won't you do it?

Speaker 2 (22:50):
I like that.
Yeah, so, because that's whereI'm starting to find myself now.
Eric and I've been married um32 years okay, and I'm starting
to find that compromise it's,it's not bad, not a bad thing,
it makes life so much easier.
It's drama-free, and Eric and Iare best friends too.

Speaker 4 (23:11):
But I tell you, it was definitely learning, Because
, let me tell you a lot of times, for instance, you might want
to take a European vacation.
Oh Lord.
Pastor Bart please don't putnothing in my head, okay.

Speaker 1 (23:26):
Don't put nothing in my head the next thing you know
she be talking about.
Hey, let's go, Wait a minute,wait a minute.

Speaker 4 (23:32):
You might want to go to Paris, but the budget doesn't
say that you can afford to doit.
So let's step back and thinkabout this Is it worth me
spending the mortgage money togo to Paris when we can go to
Orlando and have a good timewith each other?
Orlando, here we come ExactlyCompromise If it's good for the

(23:55):
marriage, if it's good for thehousehold.
We have to sit back and thinkabout some things sometimes.
So compromise is not a badthing, does it make sense?
So let's sit back and thinkabout that.
Yeah, so Okay.

Speaker 1 (24:11):
What you say, to what you say to people or marriages
where they would say, well, I'mthe only one that's compromised.
It seems like you know, likeyou gave an example with Patsy
want to go to Europe or Parisand say she keeps saying this
and seems like to her she's theonly one that's compromising.

(24:33):
It's like he compromising.
It seems like he's notcompromising anything, but seems
like I'm the only onecompromised.
What do you say to people likethat?

Speaker 4 (24:44):
You need to sit down and have a conversation.
What do you say to people likethat?
You need to sit down and have aconversation.
Communication is key.
Communication is key.
That's another one of those C'sthat we have to deal with
Communication, communication.
With communication yourmarriage will go a long way.
But communication, because alot of times we go on

(25:07):
assumptions, we go onassumptions, we go on
assumptions and a lot of theproblems that we deal with are
expectations unrealizedexpectations and the unrealized
expectations is because theyhave not been communicated.
They haven't been communicated.
So you just need to sit downand have an adult conversation.
An adult conversation, becauseno marriage can be one sided.

(25:32):
It can't be, it can't be, itwon't work.
One sided.

Speaker 3 (25:37):
Right.

Speaker 4 (25:37):
You both have to be able be willing yeah, both have
to be willing to give and takeRight, so I can't have
everything I want my way all thetime and never consider my
partner.
Yes, yes.
We have to consider each other.

Speaker 1 (25:54):
Yes, yes, yeah, for you know we got to.
We got to delay, but you knowit's about 15 seconds delay.
And Ferg says, when he talkedabout the plan that I got to use
that Pastor Burr, I tell you itsays, if we have $500 a month,
that's $6,000 a year, that's 24Kin four years.
See, that's the plan that shecan submit to.

(26:16):
You know that he's given theamount of money.
This is what we're going to doand that's a plan.
You know, and I think that's agood deal.
You got to have a plan, you gotto and you got to write it and
make you know, write it and makeit plain.
One thing, patsy and I do shejust took down the thing, but we
got to get ready in December.
I guess you know, go away and wewrite down our plan for the

(26:38):
year.
What is our focus?
The first thing we always do wesay God, and people are like
what we go to God.
We say God, we want to givethis amount of money.
In tithes, that's where we goto God.
We say we want to give thisamount of money.
We don't look at last year andwe say we want to give more and
we want to give.

Speaker 4 (27:06):
And people say well, why y'all do that?

Speaker 1 (27:08):
Because we know, if we go to God and say we want to
give this amount, god willsupply our needs in order to
give that much.
Absolutely, absolutely Right.
And then we just start goingthrough what's happening in
January, february, when is ourvacation, what are we going on?
And we make a plan and we writeit down and we go through it
and this is our vision for thisyear and this is what we're
going to do and how we're goingto do it.
If there's any deviation fromthat, you know we always come to
one another and say, hey, Iforgot about this, I forgot

(27:30):
about that.
But you know, like you say, wehave to make a plan, you know,
and do it that way.
What do you think?

Speaker 2 (27:37):
Absolutely Step by step, you know, and sometimes we
have to add in stuff becausesomebody is a busy person.

Speaker 3 (27:43):
Oh boy, Add in more things.

Speaker 2 (27:47):
A busy person, oh boy .
And then more things and I'mlike okay, but yeah, I think
it's important to to to, whenyou see the vision, write it and
make it plain.

Speaker 4 (27:54):
Well, you know you say it, sometimes things are
thrown in there, so we alwayshave to tweak life.

Speaker 3 (28:00):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (28:01):
We always have to tweak life.

Speaker 1 (28:03):
I'm writing all of that.

Speaker 2 (28:04):
I got some notes over here.
Yes, sir, we got some notes.

Speaker 1 (28:07):
Tonight, boy, I'm telling you guys, we got to
tweak life, we got to tweak life, we got to tweak it.
You know we may have a plan,but God has another plan,
another plan Got that baby, allright, all right.
So tonight we really wanted toget into the marriage vows, to
get into the marriage vowsthanks to my lovely wife who

(28:30):
came up with this series, andit's in sickness and the health
and till death do us part.
I believe you could do both ofthem.
We have a friend that's on VIRG, that also a very, very dear
friend of ours, who also losthis wife and he's, you know,

(28:51):
okinawan friends.
So we were, very matter of fact, she loved breast cancer, right
.
And so one marriage retreat hecame and he talked from where he
was in North Carolina, we werein Orlando, and he gave our
retreaters something to thinkabout Orlando and it gave our
retreaters something to thinkabout.
And we've often, like I wastelling you offline is a lot of
times, young couples that'sgetting married, they don't

(29:14):
really know what they're gettinginto, right, and you got to say
what you said because you know,because they they really don't
know.
And when you try to tell them,yeah, okay, and if they haven't
seen their parents go through it, they really don't know.
But in sickness and in health,you got to.
You got to be there for yourspouse Got to.

(29:35):
Yeah, it's no going away, it'sno.
Well, let me pay for an aid.

Speaker 4 (29:39):
We don't have that kind of money to be paying for
an aid, right and so I want youto just tell us your experience
with Bishop and how it was foryou, your thoughts, and you know

(30:01):
any struggles that you had whenhe was coming through the
sickness part with Bishop.
Well, in our journey, myhusband, who was a walking
miracle he really was.
He was a walking, talking,breathing miracle In our vows.

Speaker 3 (30:24):
We did take the vow in sickness and in health,
forsaking all others till death.

Speaker 4 (30:26):
Do us part.
And when I make a vow, I takeit very seriously and we were
speaking about, you know, a lotof the people who we marry now,
the young people who get married.
They don't realize what they'regetting into because a lot of
times they prepare for thewedding but they don't prepare
for the marriage Mm.

Speaker 1 (30:46):
Hmm, yes, I got to get in.

Speaker 4 (30:48):
They prepare for the wedding, but they don't prepare
for the marriage.
The wedding is just going to bea celebration for a day.

Speaker 3 (30:55):
Mm, hmm.

Speaker 4 (30:55):
But the marriage is something that they need to
prepare for for a lifetime.

Speaker 1 (31:06):
Yes, yes.

Speaker 4 (31:07):
And even though she may be 36, 24, 36 right now Talk
to us Over the years.

Speaker 2 (31:10):
All of that's going to change he might be big and
strappy right now.

Speaker 4 (31:14):
You know this hunk of a man.
But all that's going to change.
You know that six-pack turnsinto a keg, yes sir.
And so things change, thingschange, and over the years.
That's just nature.
Things change, and over theyears, that's just nature.

(31:34):
Things change, people change,and at some point in time, one
or the other is going to starthaving some health issues.
When we got married so wethought both of us were healthy

(32:03):
and like five years into ourmarriage my husband was
diagnosed with kidney cancer.
I think it was about five years.
It was early on, I know.
He had kidney cancer, which wasfound, quote unquote, by mistake
, and when they took the kidneyall of the cancer was in the
kidney where he didn't have tohave any chemo or radiation.
When they took that kidney allof the cancer was removed.
Then it went on where we hadother issues.

(32:29):
He ended up with having to havea AAA bypass.
Okay, yeah.
Because he had aortic aneurysmwhich they found by mistake.

Speaker 3 (32:45):
Oh, okay.

Speaker 4 (32:47):
Okay, mistake, which usually when they find that it's
too late, right, they rupturedand they bled out.
He ended up on dialysis becausethe other kidney went and we
had several issues that we hadto deal with and through each
stage, we dealt with it together.

(33:09):
We dealt with it together, wedealt with it together and when
it got down to his final stagesbecause he, like I said, he was
walking, talking, living amiracle he was on dialysis for
22 years.

Speaker 2 (33:23):
Whoa Wow, I would have never known that you would
have never known, not the way hewas up there.

Speaker 4 (33:30):
But, no.
He still worked, he stillpreached, he still carried the
ministry.
So if you didn't know, youdidn't know.
Wow.

Speaker 3 (33:42):
Wow.

Speaker 4 (33:43):
Where he was going to dialysis three times a week.

Speaker 3 (33:47):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (33:47):
Yeah, I never would have known that.
You never would have knownNever.

Speaker 4 (33:50):
Again, if you didn't know, you didn't know.
But after he did that he washome and you know we had to deal
with issues because of coursehe got weak and those type
things and when it got to hisfinal well, not even his final
days because he had to go to thehospital a few times, one time
he went and he was in thehospital for two months.

(34:12):
I was in the hospital with himevery day for the two months.
He was in there and he had togo to rehab and in that time he
went in the hospital.
He came out Between rehab andthe hospital.
He was there again for almosttwo months, something like that,

(34:34):
and the Lord healed him.
We prayed, the Lord healed himand he was back in the church
and back into ministry and allWhile he was in there again, I
was at the hospital with himevery day.
I still carried the ministry,but I was still with him every
day.
And when it came down to hisfinal hospital stay, this time

(34:56):
he was in there again almost twomonths.
He said to me and you all knowhim, he was a man who was going
to just and he was preparing meme.
You all were there.
They had his pastoralanniversary.
You all were there and when Iwalked in I knew it was his last

(35:20):
time walking in the church.
I saw it, I didn't want toaccept it and I sat by him and I
smiled and I tried to smile,but tears rolled all night long
and he looked at me one day.
He looked at me and said it'syour time.

Speaker 3 (35:37):
Wow.

Speaker 4 (35:38):
It's your time and I'm like I know, okay, just it's
your time.
On our way home he looked at meand said, wifey, because you
know I was wifey.
Yes he did.
Wifey, it's your time.
I never could have asked for abetter wife.

(36:00):
You've gone above and beyondwhat was required of you as a
wife.
When I'm gone, I know you'regoing to grieve, I know you're
going to go through, but whenyou get yourself together, I
don't want you to be by yourself.
You're still young, you're abeautiful woman.
You don't need to be byyourself.
And I'm like listen, man, Idon't want to hear that.
You're going to be okay.

(36:20):
We've been through this before.
You're going to be Right, right, right.
He says to me.
But I sure made sure I made ithard for the next man.
Yeah, give him a shout out.
He set the bar really high.
He did.
He set the bar.
He set the bar.

(36:42):
And when I took him to thehospital the next, that was that
Saturday night.
I took him to the hospitalTuesday and he was trying to
prepare me, letting me know thathe wasn't coming home, and I
still didn't want to hear it.
And he was in the hospital atthat time for almost two months.
A month and almost two months,I had one of my members from the
church and you never understand, you never know who's paying
you any attention.
She would call me at thehospital every day.

(37:06):
She would call me every day andask how are you doing?
Where are you?
I'm like, I'm here at thehospital.
That was during COVID, so theywouldn't let me spend the night,
but they did let me stay, fromvisitation in the morning all
the way until the evening, untilthe visitors had to leave.
And so I'm there with him.
And you know, I stayed therewith him, even though he
couldn't communicate.

(37:26):
I stayed there with him, eventhough he couldn't communicate.
I was there with him.
And she would call every daywhere are you?
I'm at the hospital, okay,you're okay.
Yeah, you need anything?
No, I'm good.
And then she told me.
She says, at one point Istopped asking you where you
were because I knew where youwere.
You were at the hospital withyour husband.

(37:47):
She was in the hospital withher husband the night that he
transitioned.
They were there because he hada lot of loved ones, family,
around him when he transitioned.
She said I sat there and Ilooked at you.
You held his hand and strokedhis head until he took his last
breath.
You literally showed us what,till death, do us part draws.

(38:11):
Wow, man, and I'm like you know, I never thought of it like
that.
I was just doing what I knew todo for my husband Right and
hopefully and prayerfully hewould have done the same thing
for me, because I was there.

(38:32):
Was it easy?
No, it wasn't, it wasn't easy.
I sat there, we listened tomusic and all the nurses and the
doctors who would come in there, and they would ask me where do
you get the strength?
And I said it's nobody but God.
Wow, it's nobody but God, wow,nobody but god, yeah, yeah and I
was just reminded just theother day.

(38:53):
They said um, you know, Iwitnessed you sitting there with
your husband transitioning inicu and you went around to
another family to pray for afamily whose family member was
transitioning.
And you know, I said, you know,I forgot about that.
But the doctors came in to me,the nurses and, I guess, the

(39:15):
chaplains.
They heard what went on andthey came in the hospital room
with me and they asked me howdid you do that Says, that's
what I'm called to do, that'swhat I'm called to do, that's
what I'm called to do.
Wow, so that even with thehumanness no, I didn't want to
release him, I wasn't ready, Ididn't want him to go because

(39:38):
that was the humanness in me.

Speaker 3 (39:40):
Right.

Speaker 4 (39:41):
But I knew.
I knew that he had done whatthe Lord had called him to do.
I knew that he lived a lifethat was pleasing to God.
Because, let me tell yousomething, we can fool folk on
the outside.

Speaker 1 (39:56):
Yes, sir.

Speaker 4 (39:56):
That's right, but the people who live with you know
who you are.
Yes, they know how you live.
Right right, and I knew helived a life that was pleasing
to God.
So I literally told him that Irelease him.
Right, right, and I knew helived a life that was pleasing
to God.

Speaker 3 (40:09):
So I literally told him that I release him.
Wow, yeah.

Speaker 4 (40:11):
I literally told him I release him, said you fought a
good fight, you finished yourcourse.
It's now time for you to getyour crown.
It's time.
I said I'm going to be OK.
He opened his eyes, looked atme and smiled and said I love
you, wow.
He opened his eyes, looked atme and smiled and said I love
you, wow, closed his eyes andwithin an hour he had
transitioned.

Speaker 3 (40:31):
Wow.

Speaker 1 (40:32):
Wow.
Yeah, that is amazing, that isamazing.

Speaker 2 (40:37):
And that is awesome because you know some people
they don't stay in for the fight.

Speaker 4 (40:42):
They walk away.

Speaker 2 (40:43):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (40:45):
And you say they walk away.
They walk away because it's notan easy thing.
It's not an easy thing andthat's why, in the good times
you have to prepare for the bad.
In the good times, you have toprepare for the bad.
Not even the younger people,some of the older people?
Oh yes, Some of the older peopleyou know we need to make an

(41:12):
investment now.
We need to make an investmentnow because, just like in the
physical bank, if you don't putanything in there, when times
get hard you're not going tohave anything to draw.
You can't withdraw anythingbecause you have not placed
anything in there, you have notinvested anything.
So we have to invest.

(41:33):
We have to invest.
Marriage is an investment.

Speaker 3 (41:35):
Yes.

Speaker 1 (41:36):
Yes.

Speaker 2 (41:37):
Can we get a clap on that?

Speaker 4 (41:39):
Okay, all right, let me know, we have to invest, we
have to invest in and we have tosow into our marriage.
And one thing and I love thatyou all do the marriage
broadcast and the retreats andall of that because it is needed
, Because we used to dosomething called marriage
maintenance.

Speaker 1 (42:00):
I like that.
I like that Marriagemaintenance.

Speaker 4 (42:03):
Because with your car , if you don't keep it properly
maintained, it's going to breakdown.

Speaker 1 (42:08):
Yes sir, yes sir, yes sir.

Speaker 4 (42:10):
And so it's the same with your marriage.
You have to have maintenance,you have to make sure that
you're keeping it alive, amen.

Speaker 1 (42:19):
That's it.
That's it, oh Lord, look athere.
Well, you know what they saynever give a pastor a mic, never
put a pastor on a podcast,because they're going to preach.

Speaker 2 (42:30):
Now, that's right.
That's what I'm talking about,right, ladies?
Y'all chime in out there.
You heard that Marriagemaintenance.
I'm putting this in the chatMarriage maintenance.

Speaker 4 (42:39):
You have to maintain your marriage.

Speaker 1 (42:42):
I totally agree with that.
During the times, you know, didyou ever get the Psalms 13
thing where, like David askedGod, how long Did you ever get
to the point of saying you know,Lord, how long are we going to
have to deal with this?
You know, five years into themarriage we dealt with this.
How long are we going to haveto deal with it?

Speaker 4 (43:08):
Did you ever get to that?
You know, actually I never did.
Okay, I never did Not.
That because he said to me onetime you didn't sign up for this
.

Speaker 3 (43:24):
Mm-hmm.

Speaker 4 (43:26):
And I said actually I did.

Speaker 1 (43:29):
Yeah.

Speaker 4 (43:30):
Because I said to death, do us part.
I said in sickness and inhealth.
So right now you're at a pointof being sick, so what I'm to do
is to be here for you.
Now, my mother was a nurse,okay, and my mother could take
care of anybody and anything, nomatter what it was that they
were dealing with.

(43:51):
Well, I didn't have that samespirit.

Speaker 1 (43:57):
All right, all right.

Speaker 4 (43:58):
I didn't.
I didn't have that same spiritwhere I could just go and take
care of anybody and take care ofbandages and all kinds of
things.
You know that weren't so so, sopretty.

Speaker 2 (44:10):
Right, Right right.

Speaker 4 (44:11):
Yeah, because actually in the sicknesses that
I had to deal with some thingswere downright ugly.
You know that I had to dealwith, but the love for my
husband and the love for Godkept me in there and I did it
because that was my husband, hewas my responsibility.
He wasn't the nurse's aideresponsibility.

Speaker 3 (44:35):
Oh man.

Speaker 4 (44:35):
Right, right, because someone told me well, what you
need to do is just call somebodyto come in and take care of him
.
You need to see about gettingsomeone who will come in and
take care of him.
He's my responsibility.
Wow, he's my responsibility.

(44:55):
I'll make sure that I do what Ineed to do for him.

Speaker 1 (44:59):
Yeah, wow, I got to give you some props there for
that.
We have Ferg.
Ferg had said something here hehad said because again I told
you like he had dealt with kindof like the same thing from him,
you know, taking care of hiswife, and he says he said he'd

(45:21):
have to add that you know, Iguess in his situation sometimes
you get angry at them for beingill.
You're not mad at them, butyou're mad at the illness.

Speaker 4 (45:35):
I understand what he's saying, because I would try
to push my husband.
Okay, I would.
Yeah, I would try to push him,not physically push him, but I
would try to push him to do more.
Okay, yeah, I would try to pushhim to do more.
And I'm like, well, you can domore, you can do more, you can

(45:58):
do more.
I know that you're ill, butcome on, come on, let's do this,
let's do that, you can do more.
Don't sit here and just pretty,just don't just sit here and
die, right, right, I would pushhim to do more and he would get
frustrated, because a personwho's used to doing and you know

(46:22):
I'm used to going, I'm used todoing for myself, I'm used to
doing this they get frustratedand a lot of time ill people
aren't so nice yeah, yeahbecause you, because they angry
at I, used to be this vibrant.

Speaker 2 (46:38):
Yes, you know, go get her.
And now I could barely lift myhead off the pillow and I have
to depend on.
Am I a burden?
And that that's the thing.

Speaker 4 (46:47):
That's the thing, because they say I Because she
would say I don't want to be aburden.
Yes, I'm like, you're not aburden, you're my husband.

Speaker 2 (46:53):
You know, and that's what you know.
I think that's what happenedwith my grandmother.
She, we, we didn'tintentionally bounce her around,
but we all had careers, so wehad to like, you know, okay, you
take her over here and then wecan drop her off over there.
And she was.
And I said to her one day Isaid well, how you doing?

(47:14):
She said I'm just tired ofbeing bounced here and there.
Oh, take me over this place,take me over that place.
And she was just like I'm donewith all this.
And I realized at that timethat she was just really tired.
She would, she, she didn't wantto be a burden, and then she
would fuss with us.

Speaker 4 (47:31):
And I was like, yeah, she's getting irritable she's
getting ready, you know what,and that was one thing that that
really, really um got me to thepoint where I was able to
release him because he would sayto me um, I'm tired, I'm tired,
he said to me one time.
Only thing is is I don't wantto leave you, I'm tired, oh that

(47:55):
.

Speaker 2 (47:55):
Okay.

Speaker 4 (47:56):
Yeah, I just don't want to leave you.
And I realized that he wastired and it got to a point
where they just couldn't doanything more for him At the
hospital.
They couldn't do anything morefor him, more for him At the
hospital.
They couldn't do anything morefor him.
And I realized that it was justmy selfishness.

Speaker 3 (48:16):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (48:19):
I would be selfish.
I think I would.
I would release, but it wouldtake me a minute to get to that
point.

Speaker 4 (48:25):
Yeah, it was my selfishness that was keeping him
and that's why he had theability to smile when I told him
I released him.

Speaker 2 (48:34):
Wow, I was like phew.

Speaker 4 (48:38):
He couldn't talk, but he mouthed.
I love you.

Speaker 3 (48:43):
Mm-hmm.

Speaker 4 (48:44):
Yeah.

Speaker 1 (48:46):
I think that's it.
I mean because I remember backwhen my dad passed and it just
came to me.
Sometimes we are praying forpeople to stay when they are
ready to go, yeah, and we arebeing selfish, like you said, on
our own, no, you can't leave,not yet, not yet.

(49:08):
But we have to look at it.
Them being here, suffering anddoing all this kind of stuff.
They just get tired of doctorsand people poking at them and
all of this and going here andgoing there, and especially if
they're a Christian, they'rejust ready to see Jesus.
And we've been praying no, don'tgo, don't go.
And we are holding them therewhen they're ready to go and,

(49:30):
like you said, we have to justrelease them.
And I remember my dad prayingno, don't go, don't go.
And we are holding them therewhen they're ready to go.
And, like you said, we have tojust release them.
And I remember my dad saying,hey, I'm tired, eric, I'm ready
to go, stop praying, you know.
And I said, ok, all right, youknow, but that is a good thing
when you know when they're readyto go, we just have to just
pray and release them to go.

Speaker 4 (49:49):
We just have to just pray and release them.
Yeah, and I got there when, youknow, the doctors kept saying,
well, you know, there's reallynothing else we can do.
We can't do anything.
They couldn't give him any moretreatments, dialysis treatments
, because his blood pressure wasso low, so his pressure wasn't
up high enough, and it was awhole series of things.

(50:09):
But, and I got to the pointwhere where I talked to the Lord
and I'm like you know, I justgot to release the selfishness,
because it was my selfishnesswanting him to stay and he was
not living.
At that point, he was existing,he was existing, I, I did, I, I

(50:33):
had to to release him, um, anda lot of things, and and I
didn't have therapy wow no,which I should have Through it
yeah, through it yeah.
Yeah, I should have had therapy,but I didn't.

(50:58):
I had just lost my dad, I guessless than two years Before he
passed away.
Wow.
Actually my husband Eulogizedmy dad.

Speaker 3 (51:08):
Wow.

Speaker 4 (51:10):
And so Now, when I'm kind of getting myself together
from losing my dad, then I'mlosing my husband, both of my
coverings yeah and um, so I, Ishould, and I'm speaking you
know now, I should have hadtherapy during that time, during

(51:33):
the periods of losing the bothof them, but I didn't.
Afterwards I'm in the churchmaking sure everybody's OK at
church, because they had losttheir overseer.

Speaker 3 (51:45):
Right.

Speaker 4 (51:46):
Never mind, I lost my husband, mm.
Hmm, making sure that they'reokay, and of course I had my
daughter and my grandchildrenand I had to make sure that they
were okay, make sure they hadtherapy, so forth and so on, and
then I sat back and I'm likeI'm taking care of everybody
else.

Speaker 1 (52:05):
Yes, yes, I was going to ask you who took care of you
.

Speaker 4 (52:11):
I need to make sure that I'm okay.
I need to make sure I'm okay,absolutely.
And so, as a matter of fact, Ihad a phone call from this
agency that worked with ourinsurance and asked me has
anything drastically changed inyour life?
Wow, and I'm like, as a changedin your life.
Wow, and I'm like, as a matterof fact, it has you got a second

(52:37):
.
There it is, with you Well wework with your insurance and
they will pay 100% for anycounseling that you need.
Wow.

Speaker 1 (52:48):
Look at God.

Speaker 4 (52:50):
And I'm like, here I am, let's do this.
So I went through counselingand saying I'm saying this for
somebody, so it doesn't meanthat you're crazy.

Speaker 1 (53:01):
Yes, sir.

Speaker 4 (53:03):
It doesn't mean that you're crazy.

Speaker 1 (53:04):
Especially in the African-American community.

Speaker 4 (53:06):
Now listen in the African-American community,
because we always say don'tworry about it, pray about it.

Speaker 1 (53:13):
Yes sir, yes sir.

Speaker 4 (53:16):
We, and it's just getting to the point now where
we'll send people to therapy,but they were like you don't
need the therapist, what youneed to do is go to church.

Speaker 1 (53:26):
Get on the altar and tear it.

Speaker 4 (53:28):
Listen, but God is good.
Yes, he is.
As a matter of fact, he'sawesome he is.
But sometimes you need somebodywho the Lord has prepared to
listen to your issue.

Speaker 1 (53:41):
That's it right there .
Yeah, that's it.

Speaker 2 (53:45):
You need to clap over there.

Speaker 1 (53:47):
Yes, sir, absolutely I mean I understand why people
wouldn't say that God allowedthese people with degrees and he
allowed these people to gothrough that for certain times.
You know, if he wouldn't,you're allowed to have doctors.
He allowed all these things tocome for a reason.

Speaker 4 (54:05):
So we can use them Absolutely.
And through that I was able tolearn how to deal with things.
They give you different ways ofthinking about things,
different ways of processingyeah, processing.
And so I was able to processbecause and let me take it back
because even right after hepassed, because, you know, with

(54:27):
him being ill, then not only didI have because I was working,
still a full-time job.

Speaker 2 (54:37):
Yeah, I remember your retirement, yeah.

Speaker 4 (54:40):
I was working a full-time job up.

Speaker 1 (54:43):
But hold a minute.
Through all of this being atthe hospital, day in, day out,
and all all of this, you werestill working full-time
full-time job up until the, theyear where he went in the last
time.

Speaker 4 (54:58):
Wow, I worked a full-time job wow with the
school, with the school system,oh yeah, administration yeah, I
gotta give you a clap on that.

Speaker 1 (55:10):
Yes, that's a whole nother story.
We're not going into that.

Speaker 4 (55:14):
I worked a full time job, carried the ministry and
took care of my husband, myfamily, all of that.
So I had a whole lot of layersthat really needed to be
processed, that needed to beprocessed, and after he passed

(55:40):
away, I'm counseling otherpeople who have lost loved ones,
when I had not had counselingmyself.
Wow, but I understood.
Not then.
But I understood because a lotof times we don't want to have
to deal with things, we don'twant to have to go through
things, but sometimes things wego through are necessary.
They're not necessary, they maynot even be for you, but

(56:03):
they're for someone else thatyou're going to have to
encounter, because I had peoplecalling me who I didn't know, to
tell me I was told that Ineeded to talk to you.
I'm talking about people fromall parts of the country.

Speaker 3 (56:19):
Wow.

Speaker 4 (56:21):
I was told that I needed to talk to you.
One young lady whose husbandhad passed away like six years.
My husband hadn't been gone fortwo months and I'm walking her
through the grief process.

Speaker 3 (56:37):
Wow.

Speaker 4 (56:40):
Wow.

Speaker 3 (56:40):
Wow.

Speaker 4 (56:46):
So I then understood.
Well, a lot of times what I'mgoing through is to help
somebody else I got to give youa shout out to that.

Speaker 2 (56:57):
I want to read what Jonathan Russell.

Speaker 1 (57:00):
Do that at the end, baby.
I want to end with that.

Speaker 2 (57:03):
Okay, but.

Speaker 1 (57:04):
I want to end with that.
That right there what Jonathansaid.
I got to end with that one.

Speaker 2 (57:10):
Okay, well, can I say what Ms Matrice Jackson said?

Speaker 3 (57:13):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 (57:13):
She said that's my pastor, Give her a hand.

Speaker 4 (57:17):
That's your pastor.
All right Matrice, all rightMatrice.

Speaker 1 (57:23):
But you know, I think you had some questions that you
wanted to ask.
You wanted to make sure that weget with that.

Speaker 2 (57:28):
Okay, two questions.
This first one is okay.
So how did you processtransitioning to continue
pastoring the church?

Speaker 3 (57:45):
I have this crazy thing in my head that if
something happened to him, I'mgoing to shut this thing down, I
say I'm going to be no morereal life church, I'm over it.

Speaker 2 (57:51):
But then as I, as I continue to mature in christ, I
the thing always kind of, ifsomething happened to him, how
would I do that?
I mean like what, what was yourprocess?
You just, I mean because well,let me tell you something.

Speaker 4 (58:07):
See, my husband was a slickster.

Speaker 1 (58:08):
He already started.

Speaker 4 (58:20):
He, yeah, he was preparing me when I didn't know
he was preparing me.
My husband, I think.
Let's see how long I was like,I think it was 2015.
I think it was 2015.
He installed me as seniorpastor.

Speaker 3 (58:35):
Okay.

Speaker 4 (58:36):
He became overseer but he installed me as senior
pastor.
We still did ministry togetherand he still carried a lot of it
Majority of it actually but hehad installed me as senior
pastor and as we went throughand growing together and growing

(59:04):
the ministry together andministering together and all To
me, I was still his co-pastor tome, but I was senior pastor.
So the people were accustomedto me being in a position of
senior pastor.
But your question was how did Itransition into it?

(59:28):
Let me tell you have you everhad the Lord to chastise you?
All right, Mm-hmm, Not nice.
Because I sat in my office oneday at home after he passed away
and I still had the churchgoing.

(59:49):
I was sitting there writing asermon and I said, Lord, I need
to just shut it down.
Yeah, this is too much for meto do, I need to just shut it
down.
And I'm sitting there writingand the Lord spoke to me just as

(01:00:13):
plainly.
He says Annette, you'respeaking out of your emotions.
He said your emotions are validbecause I gave them to you, but
your emotions have no intellect.

Speaker 3 (01:00:31):
Ooh, ooh.

Speaker 4 (01:00:35):
Have you ever been read by God?

Speaker 2 (01:00:38):
I don't want that to happen again.

Speaker 4 (01:00:41):
He said what I need you to do is look over your life
.
And I started.
I started remembering somethings that from my childhood
that I had completely forgottenabout, completely forgotten
about.
And he took me from one pointto the next and says just like I

(01:01:05):
was there with you then, I'mhere with you now.
And took me from things to apoint to where I should not even
be here, where he literally puthis hand up to stop the enemy.
Just like I was there with youthen, I'm here with you now.

(01:01:28):
By the time he finished readingme, I had tears flowing down my
eyes, wow, and they weren'ttears of sadness, there were
tears of worship.
And the sermon that I waswriting completely changed,

(01:01:49):
completely changed.
Lord, I hear you, lord, I hearyou, lord, I hear you.
And that is how I transitionedInto carrying the ministry by
myself.
I heard the voice of the Lord.

Speaker 3 (01:02:04):
Alright, yeah.

Speaker 1 (01:02:09):
So, you good with that baby.

Speaker 2 (01:02:10):
Yes, I am, speak to her, speak to her, lord, speak
Lord.
I remember I told you guys youwas Speak to her, love, speak
love.
I remember I told you you wasgetting ready to go to New
Orleans.
I said, listen, I really wantto talk to you.
I got some things on my mindand I want to call you and you
say, okay, I'm going to NewOrleans, hit me up when I get
back.
I said, okay, I never did, INever did.
I don't know why I didn't, Ijust didn't.

(01:02:31):
But that was one of the thingsthat I wanted to ask, one of the
things that I wanted to talkabout.
I never, I never, wrote on adot OK, when I grew up, I want
to be a pastor's wife.
That was nowhere in the plan.
So, doing it and you know, Idon't know I just felt like this

(01:02:51):
ain't what I signed up for andI'm so outspoken and I shoot
from the hip on my grandmother'sgranddaughter.
I don't know how.

Speaker 4 (01:02:59):
I could Wait till you have to do a sermon where
you're going to have to shootfrom the hip.

Speaker 1 (01:03:03):
Yes sir, yes sir, it's coming.

Speaker 2 (01:03:05):
So that was one of the things that I was like, yeah
, I need somebody to guide me inthis thing because I don't want
to run people away, youremember, yeah, I don't want to
run them away, but I want to bedirect and let them know that if
Jesus is not in the center ofit all, you can't focus, you
can't do life without Christ,and I didn't, you know, it was

(01:03:30):
just so many different things,so that was that was one of the
things that I wanted to ask youabout different things.
So that was that was one of thethings that I wanted to to ask
you about, like, now that you'renot, you know, now that now
bishop and, by the way, bishoppreaches on eulogy, y'all, it
was an amazing celebration yes,sir amazing.
Um, and so now that bishop youknow is is gone, my thing, my
thing, was like how in the worlddoes she do that?

(01:03:51):
I don't think I'll be able todo that, but now that I hear you
, I'm like I've been beat up bythe Lord.
He done put me in my place alot of times.
I'm still learning, but yeah, so, yeah, yeah, that was
definitely one of them.
So this other question I'mgoing to ask is going to be a
bit candid.
So if you don't want to answerthis, fine.
When I looked at you and Bishop, I didn't just see two people,

(01:04:14):
that was lovers of the Lord.
Y'all was intertwined, Y'allcomplimented each other.
It was a glow around you guys.
When I saw you and I was like,wow, Eric, I said we got to be
like that.
You know, we got to be likethat.
You guys really set the barhigh.
It was always something that Iwanted to.
I always told Eric about it.

(01:04:35):
I said just look at him, youknow, and it's like he still was
like my girl, you know, I meanlike he would still be like my
girl, my girl, you know.
So I was like that was soawesome.
So my thing is do you everthink that you will remarry

(01:05:02):
Because is?
Do you ever think that you willremarry?
Because you did say that?

Speaker 1 (01:05:04):
he said he don't want you to be alone and if so, the
barriers because of that willthey even?

Speaker 4 (01:05:06):
meet up to those standards.
Listen, oh lord, here we go.
First the answer.
I was asked that question likea couple of weeks ago.
I was asked something similarto that today.
In the beginning, the answerwould have been definitely not.
I will not marry again.
And not because I had a badmarriage, it's because I had
such a good marriage.

(01:05:26):
Yeah, you can see that from theoutside looking in.
But I'm at the point now I will.
If the Lord says the rightperson, I will.
Y'all got to excuse me, it'sokay.

Speaker 1 (01:05:43):
It's all right Good.

Speaker 4 (01:05:44):
But a gentleman asked me today.
He said I know all the men comesit on the front row at your
church.
I know they're running, I knowand I'm like.
Actually no, I've had a few,but not very many, because
anyone who knows me and knew mewith my husband knew the

(01:06:08):
standard that my husband setthat my husband said and I guess
there is a level ofintimidation yes, sir, there's
going to be some.
A level of intimidation.
But I, personally, I'm at thepoint now I don't want to do
ministry by myself.
Okay, I don't want to doministry by myself, and I don't

(01:06:35):
want to grow old alone.
So if the Lord sends the right,person it will be a yes.

Speaker 2 (01:06:42):
Well, let me tell you something you a catch, you are
a catch.

Speaker 3 (01:06:46):
Here we go here we go .

Speaker 2 (01:06:47):
I thank you.
I'm surprised they ain'tknocking the doors down, but I
get that, though, because Bishopdefinitely set the bar.
I tell you, the first time Imet him and he was like, oh, you
ain't meet my wife.
He was like that's my girl,right there, I was like okay.
I love that.

Speaker 4 (01:07:03):
I was like you know, like that's my chick, I mean 28
years of marriage.
We were still having date night.
We would still date each other.
Yeah, that's important.
Yeah, we would still date eachother.
Thank you so much.

Speaker 1 (01:07:15):
I like that Well, yeah thank you.

Speaker 2 (01:07:20):
So Lord, I'll still be moving on.

Speaker 4 (01:07:26):
And let me just say this, and I need people to
understand it's something thatyou don't get over, but you do
move forward.
Right, right, I got you.
You don't get over, but you domove forward.
Life is for the living.

Speaker 2 (01:07:45):
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 4 (01:07:46):
Jesus said I come that you might have life and
have it more abundant.
Yes, he did Amen, and so myintention is to live my abundant
life Awesome.
Yes, he did Amen, and so myintention is to live my abundant
life Awesome.
So life is for the living.
I'm still living and I plan toenjoy my life at whatever level
that the Lord presents.

Speaker 2 (01:08:09):
Okay, okay, all right .

Speaker 1 (01:08:11):
That's good.
All right.
So I know it's a little bitdelayed, but we have still have
a little time.
If you have, do you mind takingany questions if they call in?
All right, yeah, okay, if youwant to call in the numbers
there on the screen, the numberis 754-222-2219.

(01:08:33):
Again, 754-222-2219.
Again 754-222-2219.
And you could ask a questionfor tonight, you know, before
they even call in.
Now I'm going to read whatJonathan said.
I thought it was real good.
He says when you actuallyrealize the depth and gravity of

(01:08:53):
till death, do us part, youbegin to understand the weight
of marriage.
And he says this episode has mein tears.
Yeah, wow.

Speaker 4 (01:09:03):
Yeah, shout out to Jonathan.
All right, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 (01:09:09):
And Ferg said too you know, in that coming you don't
realize how much pain that yourloved one is in.
When he was talking aboutwatching them and releasing them
, I was like okay.

Speaker 4 (01:09:22):
And with that comment that he made, we need to
understand the vows that we aremaking.
We need to understand that.
Yes, because the transitions,the transitions, and as we grow
in life, as we grow in marriage,because you're going to grow
and as well, you've been married32 years, right, correct.

(01:09:45):
And so you have to keeplearning each other.

Speaker 1 (01:09:48):
Yes, sir.

Speaker 4 (01:09:48):
Every single day.
You have to keep learning eachother.

Speaker 1 (01:09:52):
I keep telling people I mean you think you'd be
married six, seven, eight monthsthat you know the person.
You don't know them.
Every day they're changing.
We've been married 30-somethingyears and every day, like you
said, you keep learning and keeplearning and keep learning.

Speaker 4 (01:10:06):
Keep learning each other.
Yeah, because you're going togrow Mm-hmm.

Speaker 1 (01:10:18):
You have to make the decision whether you're going to
grow together or grow apart.
All right.
Now you're talking to grow.
Yes, uh, you're talking.
Good, all right I'll see you,babe.

Speaker 2 (01:10:22):
All right, I gotta write that decision that you
have to make and it's so truetoo, and you know you can't look
at it.
This is not a fairy tale nothis is.
This is no game.
You have to be in this for thelong haul and you got to be
willing to give and take.
It's like you said and there'sa lot of times people get
married for I don't know, and Ithink a lot of young people they
follow so much on social mediabecause they see these big,

(01:10:43):
elaborate weddings and otherthings.
I'm still trying to get to thisbaby regenerative revealing
thing, but they they put so muchinto that and three months
later they divorce.
So they're not really settingthe example for these younger
people that coming up they don'tcare.
You know these, they so wrappedup in what they're doing there

(01:11:04):
but honestly, these people don'tknow you.
They don't really care aboutyou as long as you buy their
product and like and comment ontheir stuff.
But in the meantime you'regoing through real life, real
life, and real life is no joke,you know.
So I, you know I have to kindof be like listen, even when we
be in as well.
In fact, in our counselingsession we told one couple we

(01:11:25):
really don't think y'all shouldbe trying to get married and not
only that if y'all do, we wantno part of that?

Speaker 4 (01:11:31):
Absolutely, and I was sharing that with a young lady
just last week.
If I don't think that youshould get married, I'm not
going to perform your ceremonyCeremony, right?
No, we ain't doing that Becauseactually I'm accountable.

Speaker 1 (01:11:48):
Yes.

Speaker 2 (01:11:49):
That's exactly what Eric said.
Well, babe, I'm having thisproblem.
I was like, no, no, no, no,babe, we can't say, okay, we're
going to sign this.
No, no, no, they shouldn't begetting married.

Speaker 3 (01:12:00):
Mm-hmm.

Speaker 4 (01:12:01):
And I won't marry anyone if I have not done their
pre-marital counseling yeah,pre-marital counseling.

Speaker 1 (01:12:05):
I got to, yeah, I got to, yeah, weight of a pastor,
you know, doing that for themBecause, like you said, we're
accountable to you know, to thatCause we're giving a seal of
approval.

Speaker 4 (01:12:18):
Right, right.

Speaker 1 (01:12:20):
We're telling everybody yes, we, we approve
this.
What they've been standing infront of here, we approve this,
and you know.
And so people will look at usand and when they get going
through something and a divorcebecause of some crazy stuff, you
know, and they'd be looking atus.
Well, y'all said, yeah, theywas good to go, you know.

Speaker 4 (01:12:38):
And no, no, no, no, no, I'm not I'm being the back,
not me because if you show methat this isn't what you're
supposed to be doing right rightnow, I'm going to give you the
tools in counseling right rightit's up to you to use the tools
yeah yeah so, but but if I seebeforehand that this is not a

(01:13:03):
good decision, I'm not going todo it.
You can go somewhere else andget it, that's right.

Speaker 1 (01:13:07):
Yeah, that's right, that's right, you know and don't
invite us yeah.

Speaker 2 (01:13:10):
I can't see you I can't see a train wreck, so yeah
.
But thank you so much forcoming out.

Speaker 1 (01:13:19):
Yes, thank you so much.
Remember, if you got somequestions, we got about five
more minutes.
We got some questions.
You can call in at 754-222-2219.
Or you can type your questionsdown there and we will ask the
questions for you If you don'twant to call in.
But this was this was good.
I think this was needed.

Speaker 2 (01:13:37):
Very much so.

Speaker 1 (01:13:38):
Um, you know, just like how Ferg was.
You know, um, you know you saidsomething.
The same thing that Ferg saidis that while you, while you are
married, before the you knowthe sickness happened, you got
to make sure you plan for things.
You know, put you know like yousay.
You know, get love on yourspouse, spend time with your
spouse, you know, do all thethings, which is, you know, put

(01:14:00):
something in the bank for yourspouse, because when that
sickness happens, don't matterwho it is, there's some things
that you're not going to be ableto do.

Speaker 4 (01:14:07):
Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 (01:14:08):
You're not going to be able to do, and so you need
to make sure that you are inthis marriage.
You're in this marriage becauseyou love the person and that
you care for the person, and notbecause you can go to bed with
them.

Speaker 4 (01:14:22):
Absolutely, absolutely.

Speaker 3 (01:14:23):
Absolutely.

Speaker 4 (01:14:24):
Because, as we change , sometimes things don't work
anymore.
Right.

Speaker 2 (01:14:32):
Right.

Speaker 4 (01:14:33):
Like whoa yeah, things don't work anymore, right
right.
Like whoa, yeah, so so thatcannot be the basis of your
relationship, can't be the basis, it cannot be.
It can't be the basis ofrelationship, because what
happens after we start gettingolder and some sicknesses might
take place where you may not beable to function anymore?

Speaker 3 (01:14:54):
Right.

Speaker 4 (01:14:55):
Right Function sexually.
So what are you going to dothen, if that's what your
marriage is based on?
That's so true.
So we have to, and that's onegood thing.
I'm glad that my husband was myfriend.
My husband was my friend, soour marriage was a whole lot
deeper than the sexual componentyeah yes yes yes, we were

(01:15:20):
friends that's good that's good,that's good really.

Speaker 1 (01:15:24):
I truly, really enjoying this conversation I
just wanted to let everybodyknow as well too, too, is that
you know you can help us createmore programming.
We would love to hire aproducer so I don't have to be
doing all of this stuff andengineer.

Speaker 4 (01:15:41):
you know how much does it pay?

Speaker 1 (01:15:47):
Yeah, we would love to you know to do all that stuff
and have somebody set up.
You know, you know for us and Idon't have to come out and you
know, just do all that stuff andhave somebody set up.
You know, um, you know for usand I don't have to come out and
you know, just do all thisstuff.
We would love that to happen,in greed, I guess, or you know
whatever.
So, um, you know, you canalways donate to us as well.
Um, you know a marriage in reallife Also, you can.

(01:16:14):
You can also if you're onYouTube, you know you could hit
those buttons there and anddonate through YouTube as well.
So we would love, love that tohappen.
Uh, first says um, hey, alsoteach other things.
Um, each other, yeah, yeah,teach each other things that
they don't know.
He says, like passwords,finances, where you want to be

(01:16:34):
buried, and um, and you rotateplanning, uh, the, yeah, he.
He mentioned something calledthe I love you box.
He said you should make an Ilove you box to where it says
I'm not leaving you.
Um, you know, uh, uh, pastorBob, I preached a message about
the widow woman and how she wentto Elisha and told Elisha said

(01:16:59):
you know my husband, you know hewas under the prophets and you
know he feared God.
And now you know they're gettingready to take my children.
And I said to the church.
I said you know, he ministeredso much, so much.
He was in the school but hedidn't leave his wife.
No life insurance.

(01:17:19):
Now they're coming because heowes.
He owed a debt, not a covenantchurch.
We cannot be like that.
We cannot.
We got to make sure that we'retaking care.
As far as me, I'm gonna makesure that I'm taking care of my
wife and I love you box issomething that's good.
When you know the passwords,you know everything we talk

(01:17:40):
about, you know, and sometimespeople don't want to talk about
death, right, but that'snecessary, necessary because
it's a reality.
Yes, the reality.
If something happened and wecan't wait until I'm about
almost dying to talk about it.

Speaker 4 (01:17:54):
If something happened and we can't wait until I'm
about almost dying to talk aboutit my husband, we did talk
about it.
We talked about it quite often,more than I wanted to, and he
left.

Speaker 3 (01:18:07):
Here's my phone All of my passwords are here, right
here in my phone.

Speaker 4 (01:18:27):
He had an envelope where he had papers in the
envelope, his living will, hisand everything you know.
That was supposed to make mydecisions a lot easier, but and?
Even, even down to his funeralHmm, because at first he didn't
want one, and I'm like listen,people have to have closure.

Speaker 3 (01:18:44):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah they have to have closure.

Speaker 4 (01:18:47):
You can't do this to the people.
And so he agreed.
He says OK, so what you can do,you can have a funeral.
But if you can't preach myfuneral, I don't want anybody
else preaching my funeral.
You've been the one that's beenthere for me.
That's how he preached his owneulogy, because I didn't think

(01:19:08):
that I would be strong enough tostand in front of the people
and do a eulogy.
I'm like I told my daughter Ican't stand up in front of these
people and cry for 30 minutes.
And let me tell you how, howthe Lord works.
My daughter, my sister, wasputting together pictures for

(01:19:29):
the booklet for the funeralprogram.
She was put in.
We were going through thecomputer and she was pulling
pictures and YouTube popped upwith his sermon where he was
talking about himself, and as wesat there and listened to it, I
said that's his eulogy.

Speaker 3 (01:19:51):
That's his eulogy, because it was all about him.

Speaker 4 (01:19:54):
It was about his life , and so what we did is, you
know, we cut some of the stuffout so it would be sensitive to
the time, and that's how heended up doing his own eulogy
that was amazing and you knowwhat the funeral home told me.

(01:20:15):
They said all the years we'vedone funerals, we've never done
one like that.

Speaker 1 (01:20:19):
I've never seen it.

Speaker 4 (01:20:20):
They said we have never, Eric and I talked about
it for a week.

Speaker 1 (01:20:25):
That was good this is just like wow.

Speaker 2 (01:20:29):
He was just so in tune with God and with his life.
It just opened up so many, youknow, just so many windows in my
head.
I was like you know, I wouldwant to do that for myself, you
know, but you have to live thatlife.
Yeah, you know, you have tolive that life.

Speaker 4 (01:20:49):
It was funny because I had a couple of pastors say
I'm going home now and do avideo.
I'm going to go and do a videofor my funeral.

Speaker 1 (01:21:02):
Yes, sir.

Speaker 4 (01:21:04):
But yeah, so, but that's how that came about,
Because he said you know you cando a concert and let that be it
, and all because he loved musiceven though he couldn't sing he
loved good singing so I waslike, okay, we'll just do do a
concert and let that be it.
And then when I saw the um,when I saw, okay, so that's

(01:21:26):
going to be a julegy right therewow, that was good.

Speaker 1 (01:21:29):
well, hey, what a good night.
What a good night.
What a good night.
This was good.
If I don't cut it off, we'll behere all night, but this is
good.
I just want to thank you,pastor Annette, for being open.
I know it can still hurt.

(01:21:49):
You've been married all thetime.
You loved him and he loved you,and I just want to thank you
for accepting the invitation tocome and talk to people about
that marriage vow to death do uspart and you know, yeah, yeah,
and sickness and health.
I'm so glad that you accept theinvitation.

Speaker 4 (01:22:06):
I'm so glad you invited me and in closing I just
want to say this one thing,because again we were talking
about how people don't take itseriously.
But they have to realize thatthat, that vow that they're
making to each other, they aremaking a vow to each other, but
they're making the vow beforeGod.

Speaker 2 (01:22:29):
Yep absolutely.

Speaker 4 (01:22:31):
Before God.
Yes, so they need to take thatseriously.

Speaker 1 (01:22:35):
Yes, Need to take it very seriously.

Speaker 2 (01:22:38):
I agree, I agree, all right.

Speaker 1 (01:22:40):
Well, want to say good night.
Please, please, please, makesure you comment, comment, like
and share and listen to all onyour wherever you listen for
your podcast.
Make sure you listen for thisparticular podcast.
Go and download it on AppleiHeartRadio wherever, and we

(01:23:02):
want you.
We're so glad that you could be, I'm so glad.

Speaker 2 (01:23:05):
Yes, Thank you so much for joining us and share
this.
Share it with your friends.

Speaker 1 (01:23:09):
Yes, share with your marriage couples and your single
those ones that's thinkingabout getting married.
Yes, sir, Share with them andagain the sincerity of it.
Yes sir, yes and again, pastorAnnette, we thank you so much
for being with us.