February 25, 2025 • 62 mins
Relationships are not always simple and straightforward. Often they are filled with complexities, joys, and hurdles that couples must navigate together. In our latest episode, we welcome the Stokes couple, who share their unique journey through marriage and parenthood with us. This candid conversation delves into their insights from raising seven daughters, offering lessons on patience, understanding, and teamwork in parenting.
One of the central themes of our discussion revolves around the significance of faith as a core unifying element in their relationship. The Stokes describe how a shared belief system serves not only as a backbone during challenging times but also fosters deeper emotional and spiritual understanding. Throughout the episode, they also stress how vital communication is in overcoming feelings of overwhelm and experiencing genuine connection.
In addition, we highlight essential self-care strategies and the importance of maintaining a thriving partnership, even after children grow and leave home. The Stokes' experiences shed light on how to cultivate joy in marriage, proving that amid the chaos of family life, it's crucial to carve out space for each other and ensure that love continues to flourish.
Tune in for a wealth of anecdotes, laughter, and practical advice that can help strengthen your relationship. Engage with us, share your experiences, and don't forget to subscribe for more insightful episodes. Whether married for years or just starting, there’s something for everyone in this heartfelt journey.
Watch the live show on Youtube.
Follow us on Facebook & Instagram at @marriageinreallifepodcast
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Well, welcome to Marriage in Real Life, welcome.
Thank you for joining us.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, that'sanother time.
Hey, I'm so glad everybody'shere, right, right.
Well, I'm Eric, I'm Boss Lady P, all right, and we're Marriage
(00:20):
in Real Life, all right.
Well, what's been happeningthese last two weeks, babe you
know how we start out oh, alot's been going on.
It ain't been that much.
Speaker 2 (00:34):
We went on a date.
Speaker 1 (00:35):
Oh yeah, yeah, we went on a date.
We had that date.
Yeah, we went on a date, yeah,yeah.
Speaker 2 (00:41):
What else?
What else are we supposed to do?
Speaker 1 (00:45):
Where did we go on a date?
What was that?
Speaker 2 (00:47):
Well, we went to that festival in Pompano on
Hammondsville we did someValentine's.
Speaker 3 (00:53):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (00:54):
I remember we were saying oh, why is Valentine's
Day catered to the women?
Why is Valentine's Day cateredto the women?
I said it's not catered towomen.
I think, just growing up as ayoung girl, we always saw the
man present a gift, so we justfollowed suit.
So after you made this stinkabout not, being appreciated on
Valentine's Day did I notappreciate you.
Speaker 1 (01:16):
Yeah, you did, you did.
I give you a shout out and Igive you a clap.
You did, but I got you the best.
Speaker 2 (01:24):
You did All right, I got you the best.
Speaker 1 (01:26):
I spoiled you in front of your whole school.
Speaker 2 (01:29):
The whole faculty.
Speaker 1 (01:30):
All right, I'm back to that.
Hey, I be doing it, I be doingit.
Speaker 2 (01:36):
Okay, so we did do that.
We did a christening yesterdayfor Muffin.
Speaker 1 (01:39):
Yeah, for Muffin.
My grandbaby Give a shout outto her, so sweet she.
My grandbaby Give a shout outto Mai, so sweet.
Speaker 2 (01:43):
She's so good and she's going to be two on Friday.
Speaker 1 (01:46):
Yes, yeah on Friday she's going to be two, all right
, and she already moved up tothe two-year-old class.
No, she hasn't.
Oh, you didn't tell me that.
Speaker 2 (01:54):
I just found out today.
Speaker 1 (01:55):
Oh, okay, okay, Four hours ago.
Speaker 2 (01:59):
Okay that, so we've been busy yeah we've been busy.
Yeah, getting ready for thechurch anniversary?
Speaker 1 (02:05):
Yeah, we're getting ready for church anniversary and
things like that.
So yeah, it's been quite athing.
Speaker 2 (02:11):
Productive.
Yeah, man, I'm telling youGetting things done.
Speaker 1 (02:14):
Yeah, we've been getting things done Well.
We want to give a shout out toRob all the way from Orlando.
We know several people arewatching with us.
Please make sure.
Sure, izzy, izzy, izzy, allright, how you doing, izzy, all
right, so we just thank you forjoining us tonight.
We have a very special showtonight.
We have another interview, andso we're so happy to have this
(02:36):
young couple.
We've known them for a longtime and so we're so happy to
have them on our show tonight,as they share and just do it.
So I'm ready to get into it,cause you already told me that
we got a time limit.
Speaker 2 (02:48):
Oh no, I just said listen here, bro, let's not go
over our time.
Speaker 1 (02:54):
You gave me a time limit.
Speaker 2 (02:55):
You bought me into the game.
You said an hour.
These, these podcasts has beenstarting to go an hour 15, hour
20.
Speaker 1 (03:07):
go an hour 15 hour 20 , but they'd be so good, don't
you think they'd be good, they'dbe awesome, right?
So what's the deal?
I mean, you don't want them togo that, or what?
What?
What do you what?
So what are you saying?
Huh, okay, hey, we get a shoutout to samson.
Get a shout out to samson too,all right, and so what were you
saying?
You don't want?
Speaker 2 (03:26):
I'm saying that just know the audience.
If the audience is quiet, thenit's time to.
Speaker 1 (03:30):
Well, all the time the audience don't be quiet.
Speaker 2 (03:32):
Sometimes you be like come on, come on, talk to me,
talk to me, talk to me.
Somebody.
Call in 754-222-2219.
Y'all know I'm right.
Speaker 1 (03:43):
Oh man, y'all know I'm right.
I Y'all know I'm right.
Oh man, y'all know I'm right.
I don't want to hear that.
Speaker 2 (03:47):
All right, go all the way, go all the way.
I mean, I'm the type of personthat I kind of just am observing
.
If I see things going in acertain direction, then I know,
but you're not.
Speaker 1 (04:02):
And I guess that's what makes us connect, because
we're so different in thataspect.
Speaker 2 (04:04):
We're so different in that aspect.
I believe in saying hey, canyou come up and do a prayer?
Not, hey, you come on up hereand give us a prayer, that's it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Speaker 1 (04:10):
You know how.
The rule is it ain't?
Speaker 2 (04:11):
no, everybody don't go by that rule just because we
were raised that way.
Speaker 1 (04:15):
The rule is look especially as a leader.
You come to church with aprayer, a song and a word and a
scripture.
Speaker 2 (04:23):
But these people, don't be leaders.
Everybody I call man.
You know what?
Speaker 1 (04:27):
Okay, pastor, hey hey , ask Izzy, izzy know I do that.
Speaker 2 (04:31):
Ask Harold how many times you just say hey, harold,
I want you to come over here andpray for this.
Speaker 1 (04:35):
Oh man, Now he called me out.
Well, Rob ain't neverexperienced that, so I don't
want to hear that Be prepared,Rob you next.
All right, we're going to getinto our interview tonight.
We're so glad to have thisyoung couple with us.
Like I said, we've known themfor a long time and we're
(04:55):
looking forward to a goodconversation tonight.
Speaker 2 (04:58):
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (04:58):
They up there in the cold.
Speaker 2 (05:00):
Yeah, but the sun is out.
Speaker 1 (05:01):
The sun is out.
They say it ain't the Floridasun.
Speaker 2 (05:04):
But it's enough sun, Trust me.
I remember living in Virginia.
The rarest snowstorm since Iwas born happened the year I
moved there, so I understandwhen the sun come out when it's
snow on the ground.
Speaker 1 (05:16):
It ain't the Florida sun.
Speaker 2 (05:17):
It definitely ain't the Florida sun, it ain't enough
to melt it, but it's enough foryou to say hey, I can take off
a layer today, all right, sohere we go Break a bone, hey,
hey.
Speaker 1 (05:28):
Marriage of real life .
We want to welcome the Stokestonight.
All the way from North CarolinaCome on.
Hey how y'all doing, how y'alldoing, how y'all doing.
Speaker 5 (05:40):
Doing great.
How are you?
Speaker 1 (05:42):
We're doing good.
We're doing good, we're so gladto to have you on tonight to
share with us we.
We, like you said, we marriagein real life and we just talk
about marriage and in in whatthe real things that happen,
because there's difficulties andthere's good times and there's
bad times and sometimes what wefound out.
A lot of people want to talkabout the good times and but
(06:03):
they don't want to talk aboutthe bad times.
And then when they see yourmarriage because we've been
married almost 33 years and theywant to say, well, I want a
marriage just like that, butthey never know exactly what
we've been through in order toget to where we are now.
So we just wanted to bring youon and just and just have a
conversation with you.
Are you all right with that?
Yes, all right.
Right with that?
(06:29):
Yes, all right, all right.
So introduce yourself to the to, to the world, and tell us a
little bit about yourself.
You can go as much as you wantto and we will.
We'll just follow on in, allright, let's go.
Speaker 5 (06:37):
Yes, I'm johnny stokes and we've been married 23
years Together 24 years.
And, let's see, we live inNorth Carolina.
I'm not supposed to introduceus, okay, oh?
Speaker 1 (06:58):
Yes, sir.
Speaker 5 (06:58):
Yes, sir, but yeah, that's me.
Oh, oh, should I say how manykids I have?
Seven kids, all seven girls.
Bruh, hold, on hold, on hold onhold on Bruh.
Speaker 1 (07:12):
You had seven girls and with Johnny, make eight.
Bruh, how did you do it?
I had four right Plus passingfive.
That right, yeah, yeah, yeah,yeah right.
Plus passive five, that right,yeah, right, yeah.
And man.
So you got hey.
Before you go into father, tellme how did you do it, please.
Please, tell the congregationhow you did.
Oh man oh, jesus are weintroducing?
Speaker 3 (07:38):
are we still introducing?
oh, and they answer the questionyeah okay, so I'm steve and,
like she said, we've beenmarried 23 years, been together,
24.
We have seven girls, sevenbeautiful girls, and it was some
ups and downs, it was arollercoaster ride.
Me being the only male in thehouse, it definitely takes a lot
of patience to raise womenlittle women, yes, little women.
(08:01):
So, and God had to give me alot of patience and how to
really how can you say it?
How to really train or raiseeach individual personality.
So each one of them wasdifferent in their own little
(08:21):
way.
So and I think a lot of parentsknows their kids but that
really takes a lot of patience,a lot of attention and things of
that nature.
Speaker 5 (08:29):
So I can't say it was easy, I'm not going to sit here
and say it was easy.
Speaker 3 (08:33):
There's plenty of times I want to walk out and go
and don't come back.
Plenty of times I want to putmy head through the wall.
But you definitely have to havea lot of patience and make sure
you have the endurance to raisechildren and girls at that.
Raising boys and raising girlsis totally different.
(08:55):
With girls you got to be sternbut also sympathetic and
impatient and kind andunderstanding, and with boys
it's more so.
Hey, man, hey, get yourselftogether, let's get this
together.
Girls you got to talk throughit.
You got to explain you got tomake sure they understand and
(09:16):
make sure, hey, this is notcorrect, this is right, so forth
and so on.
So it's just one of thosethings that you just have to
continue to do, and I still doto this day, even though most of
them, a lot of them, is out ofmy house now, so they still call
mom, dad, how you do this, mom,dad, what we do with this or
what we do.
So you still have to make sureyou have that patience for them.
Speaker 1 (09:40):
Wow, yes, I get a shout out.
I got to give you a shout out.
I gotall Boy.
I got to give you a shout out.
I got to give you a salute.
I got to give you a salute.
Speaker 2 (09:50):
Yeah, appreciate it.
Man Appreciate it.
Speaker 1 (09:56):
So we may have people that be online.
They may ask questions, and sowe'll read throughout if they
have questions or comments.
That's what we do.
But we want to ask you.
I want to say and I know bothof you are Christians and I know
Lord has brought y'all a mightylong way, and so I want to ask
you this How's your faithinfluenced your marriage over
(10:18):
the years, especially during thedifficult times?
How's that?
Especially during the difficulttimes?
How's that?
Speaker 3 (10:24):
I mean mainly the faith is the glue.
It's the glue to us, man.
We can't move forward.
We can't do anything withoutthat.
So we always want to make sureit's the glue.
It's the thing that keep ustogether, it's the thing that we
go to when we're upset.
It's the thing that we makesure we understand and make sure
(10:45):
that we are on the same pagenot just same page in a
relationship, but on the samepage biblically, on the same
page, spiritually on the samepage.
Because a lot of people thinkmore so physical side of it, but
they forget about the spiritualside, where you have to be on
the same page with that and yougot to make it the glue.
It's not always going to beeasy.
(11:10):
Sometimes we don't even see outof it.
I'm like why are you praying?
What are you praying for?
But we have to make sure thatand that calms you down.
At the end of the day, it calmsyou down, it brings you
together and you really seekunderstanding and clarity on why
this is happening.
Something is about to happen.
Something great is about tohappen for us, something great
is about to shift, somethinggreat is about to transpire.
(11:34):
If you're arguing or don't likeeach other, or if something is
happening, that means somethingis definitely about to happen
for your good.
So you always want to haveunderstanding and clarity for
that.
Speaker 5 (11:45):
Yeah, I think, even with the faith, because, as we
know, faith you don't see right,it's just something you have to
have positivity in and that'swhat kept us in.
When it got really bad and letme say it got bad, bad we would
always take it to the naturalearth, we would take it to the
water, we would go to the beachBecause it's for some reason
(12:06):
going out there.
It calmed us it was like a nicecalming thing and it would calm
us and then we would be able tohave clarity and then talk.
Then we can talk to each otherand talk through it, like, okay,
well, this is why you hurt myfeelings and or this is why
he'll say why he hurt hisfeelings, like we had to be able
to hear each other.
You know what I mean?
We, we allowed that calmnessand then we used the waves Like
(12:26):
Faith.
We just like, okay, we're goingto put it out there and we're
just going to let it go, becausethere's the waves, it just
keeps going and it flows on andon and we just had to know how
to.
We just operated in that for us.
Speaker 1 (12:38):
Okay, y'all ain't got no beach up in North Carolina.
Speaker 5 (12:45):
What y'all do now?
Speaker 3 (12:46):
Y'all go to the lake.
Yeah, we go to the lake.
Oh right, yeah, we got a beachin Wilmington, so we'll drive up
that way and we'll hang out upthere.
Speaker 5 (12:57):
It's like a three-hour drive.
Speaker 1 (12:59):
So y'all not too far from Wilmington.
I mean because I went to I wasstationed in Camp Lejeune, which
is not that far from Wilmington.
I mean because I went to I wasstationed in Camp Lejeune, which
is not that far, yeah, so okay,yeah, all right.
Speaker 3 (13:08):
Yeah, yeah, we're not too far from there, yeah, cool
it was, it was for us.
Speaker 5 (13:13):
We just went ahead and drove.
We knew we needed a weekend,like, okay, you know what, let's
go ahead and take this, let'slet's take it back to what, how
we did in Florida.
Speaker 2 (13:20):
So that's what we did wow, that is awesome and I like
the fact that you acknowledgethat each other's feelings was
hurt and you was able to expresslike my feelings was hurt and
this is how even though you mayhave didn't intend to hurt my
feelings, but this is how Iperceived it.
So when you acknowledge it, itmakes a real a difference my
(13:44):
baby be speaking knowledge andshe be dropping them gems.
Speaker 1 (13:47):
I have to give her a clap every time she drops a gem.
Speaker 2 (13:55):
So like, okay, so let's go to the parenting part
of it.
With seven kids, how did youguys manage to how would I say,
stay connected as a couple,because we had a house full too,
so it was a little rough, butwe made it work.
Yes, give me an example of howyou guys stay connected with
(14:16):
parenting working full time.
Speaker 3 (14:22):
We had a strategy that always worked for us.
It's never me and her againsteach other when it comes to kids
.
We always work together andit's pretty much we did it as a
team.
In parenting you get the oneparent that feels a certain way
(14:48):
about another thing, or how theywant to discipline, or how they
want to correct or how theywant to, but it was always more
so of well, how do you want tohandle the situation, or things
of that nature.
And most times I'll ask her,she'll ask me and we'll come as
a team and we work together tocorrect, discipline, dress feed,
(15:09):
Whatever we had to do.
It was more so a team and italways kept each other first,
Because sometimes in parentingyou want to be like, oh, my baby
, my baby, my child, you canleave, and it's never that,
because we know the assignmentthat we have to do this together
.
And most times when you divideand it creates division, because
(15:30):
one thing about childrenthey're going to stick together.
They're going to stick togetherand it's the parents that always
create the division in any typeof circumstances, because the
kids, that's all they got.
They like hey, they sleeptogether, they eat together and
they don't know division unlessit's introduced.
So if the parents can basicallymake sure that they stay
(15:53):
together, then the kids aredefinitely going to fall in line
.
So with faith, withChristianity, with anything, you
never want to do any of thosethings in front of children and
always remain one, always remainconnected and together when
making decisions while raisingchildren.
Speaker 5 (16:11):
And I think the biggest thing, especially for us
women, I know, for me we haveour motherly instincts right, so
we're a little more softer withour kids and we're more in
touch because we carry themright.
So, and I allowed him to be thedisciplinary, I allowed him, I
allowed to.
Okay, if we're Christians andwe follow in the Bible, he was
the leader, so I allowed him tolead if it was something that I
(16:34):
might have thought or felt.
It was a.
I was like, oh, he'll start.
Like, oh, I was feelingsomething with my kids because,
you know, because us women, wedo have a little connection with
our children, whether it bedaughters or sons I just waited
and I allowed him.
I would allow him to do thediscipline, I would allow him to
do the sternness.
I would always allow him tolead.
That was the biggest thing.
(16:54):
You have to allow children tosee that, like okay, what did
your dad say?
Or because kids will try tocome in in between that.
And if they see the slightest,if they see a slightest divvy,
like he said, if they see twoparents, like they see my face
reaction and they see justthat's, all they need is a
little bit, then they try toplay on that.
So I was always making surethat I allowed him and then I
(17:18):
backed him up and we, we,whatever the decision was always
unison, so and that's a bigthing for us.
So everything we did, it waslike everything always started
with so and that's a big thingfor us.
So everything we did, it waslike everything always started
with him, then me, and then wego from there.
So that's usually how we did itand we allow.
That's how it's always been andit worked out.
They couldn't play us againsteach other.
Because kids can.
They will try that.
(17:38):
You know what I mean.
They will try to play theparents against each other
because they will use theempathy.
They will use all of that,especially with the mom or
whoever, whichever parents thesoftest, if they see it, kids
are very smart.
They're very, they're very,they're like, they watch
everything.
They're sponges.
So, I just made sure like, okay,I didn't allow them to play on
(17:58):
my heartstring because they will, and they're like mom dad is so
on, and I'd be like, well, baby, you gotta understand you gotta
see it and I had to stay withit they'll come and ask me,
because they'll know he's morestern or he's a disciplinary.
They'll ask me before they askhim and I always make sure, hey,
did you ask your dad?
Or wait till we're together,and then I'll answer yeah.
(18:19):
So I always allow him to leadand be the leadership as the
parenting.
So we follow that, follow that.
Speaker 1 (18:24):
Wait, did our girls do that?
Did they come to you?
No, because did they come toyou when I was being an example?
We would tell people all thetime I was in the military and I
came home.
I was in Quantico and man, Icame home they weren't cleaning
a room and I just came in.
I just destroyed their roomlike I was in the military it
was girls and destroyed theirroom like I was, like they was
(18:46):
in the military and they wasgirls and I just just I mean I
just destroyed it.
I put everything in the middleof the twins.
I put every.
I mean I just dumped everythingin the middle.
But, like you said, pastor cameto me and said first of all she
said, hey, you're gonna bedoing my girls like that.
Speaker 2 (19:00):
But then she said mind, the room was clean, Y'all.
They forgot to make the beds.
They were about to miss the busand the comforter was not made
up and he just went through theroom like a hurt, like a
hurricane, and I was like theseain't no, marines, don't come up
in here.
Doing this to these kids theythe bed.
You see what first said.
Speaker 1 (19:21):
Fer said we were wrong.
That's right, Fer the bedwasn't made.
Speaker 2 (19:24):
That was it, Don't do that to them.
So yeah, but I did have to goback to the kids and say, listen
, I understand me and Daddy'sgoing to talk about it and it'll
be a different approach thenext time.
And so that's kind of how thatwent out.
But they would say, hey, Mom,dad said I can go to the dance
(19:44):
if you said I could go.
Yeah, yeah, no, you're notgoing to the dance.
Speaker 4 (19:50):
Let me talk to your dad.
Speaker 2 (19:51):
Oh, you don't have to talk to him.
Oh, thank you.
That's how dad said it, me too.
Speaker 4 (19:58):
You don't have to, he said it.
Speaker 2 (19:59):
He said it, well, let me just confirm it with him.
Yeah, let me just confirm itwith him.
So, yeah, you're right, but Ithink in the process of that, we
still try to stay connectedwith us.
In the process of raising thesekids, we still try to do things
for us to make sure that wehave.
If we don't, we won't standstrong and, like Stokes said,
(20:19):
it's going to be a division.
So they got to see, got cometogether as a collaborative as
well as us still having us.
So yeah, so I get that.
Speaker 1 (20:31):
I get that and before we move on, I mean izzy says
that they take it to the wateras well, as, as, like you said
earlier, that about going to thewater.
Well, it's funny how, in thechurch, we say when we get ready
for baptism, what we say takeit to the water, take it to the
water.
Speaker 3 (20:48):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (20:50):
But you know, it's something about the water, I'm
telling you I don't know, it'sjust really been in my spirit
lately that I want to go to thebeach and I don't like the beach
y'all.
I don't like the sand, I don'tlike.
I'm like what?
I like, nothing about the beach.
But my spirit has been sayingyou know, I feel like I need to
go to the beach.
I don't like wildlife and I'mso afraid an alligator going to
come out of that thing and tryand get me Because they be on
(21:12):
the beach.
They been on the beach y'all.
So I'm like, why do I feel theneed to go there?
But I remember in the pastgoing out there with my Bible
and just sitting on a blanketand reading my Bible.
Speaker 3 (21:21):
Oh, that's a beautiful thing right there.
Speaker 2 (21:23):
So much peace and I felt so calm and I was like I
need a revival there, I need torejuvenate.
So yeah, so I get it.
It's so much happens out there,especially when you're alone
and you ain't really you justcommuning with God first thing
in the morning.
Oh, my God, it's amazing,that's definitely an idea.
(21:45):
I'm taking you with me.
I'll be on your side of thebeach and I'll be on my side of
the beach.
Speaker 1 (21:52):
That's a lot of beach there.
Great thing we got to have thatmuch in between us.
Speaker 2 (21:57):
Then we'll come together.
Speaker 1 (21:59):
Do I need to go on Fort Myers Beach and you stay on
Fort Lauderdale Beach?
Not that far, okay.
Speaker 2 (22:03):
The two or three are gathering.
We can't be gathering if you'reall over there, bro.
Speaker 1 (22:08):
Hey, we got Malika, Malika, our daughter-in-law.
She says we know we often makeit to the water when adversity
strikes.
Yeah, so I guess that is acalming thing.
When there's a lot of adversity, you, when you go to, it's like
the water just calms you Justthe creation of it, when you
just look at it.
Speaker 2 (22:26):
As far as I can see, even when we was on the cruise
ship and I was sitting in thebalcony, I was like God, you are
simply amazing, Simply amazing.
All of this water out here andthis thing is staying afloat.
Thank you, Jesus.
Speaker 4 (22:41):
I think about the.
Speaker 2 (22:42):
Titanic when I'm out there, but it's just amazing, as
his creation and Eric and I wassitting on the balcony on one
of the cruises and I saw a birdand I said, well, Eric, where do
you think he's going to land?
Speaker 4 (22:52):
at.
Speaker 2 (22:53):
Ain't nothing out here but water, not thinking, oh
, he can go land on top of theship and it was so many other
ships out there, but just to seethat was amazing.
Just to see that was amazing.
Dolphins all the way out thereit was an amazing shot.
Speaker 1 (23:05):
Yeah, y'all took a trip to Niagara Falls too.
I remember seeing y'all begoing everywhere, oh man.
Speaker 3 (23:12):
How was?
Speaker 1 (23:12):
that.
Speaker 3 (23:13):
Oh man, it was beautiful.
It was so beautiful we listen,we might try to be moving there.
Speaker 1 (23:20):
Ooh, wow, wow, wow, wow.
That, ooh, wow, wow.
Speaker 3 (23:23):
Wow, wow, yeah, I love Canada, man.
Canada is such a how you say it, patsy rejuvenating type thing
and this is the.
It's the city itself.
It's clean, it's it's proper,it's it's so, it's peaceful and,
in so many words, innocent.
It's innocent and it's not alot.
It's not a lot of crime.
(23:44):
Health care there is free, youknow, so anybody could go to the
hospital and get served anddon't have to be waiting on a
bill and all that stuff.
So it's carefree andeverybody's nice and welcoming.
And I mean there's so much goodthings out there that we went.
We've been there four timesalready out there that we went.
(24:07):
We've been there four timesalready.
So it's definitely a go-to spotfor for me and her, because
it's that waterfall is.
The waterfall is so beautiful.
You can actually go out thereand just walk out there and and
it's, it's really a nice, nicething, a nice time yeah, yeah, I
gotta take Patsy out there likea trip to me I know, my
daughter went to canada, shewent to, natalie went to canada.
Speaker 1 (24:28):
I wonder how many people who online with us ever
been to canada.
Just put it in the chat ifwe've been to canada.
Yeah, but I heard canada is.
Canada is nice.
Yeah, so beautiful man so let'sget into the challenges,
because, again, because all ofus have challenges, and so I
want to ask you what has beenthe biggest challenge in your
(24:49):
marriage and how did youovercome it?
What was the biggest challengein your marriage and how did you
overcome it?
Speaker 3 (24:58):
we had a lot of challenges.
Speaker 1 (25:00):
Just talk about one of the couple, a couple of them,
I would, I guess I proceededwith this.
We know that God was in themiddle, we know that.
So you already talked about thefaith, so we know that.
But how did you handle itindividually, just naturally?
How did you handle it with someof the challenges?
Speaker 5 (25:16):
I think the biggest challenge I would say for me and
I feel like for us, is goingthrough life changes.
I've been going through likechange.
As you get older you do changeyour, the way things changes,
your thought process.
A lot of things change whenyou're going through like actual
changes, especially for a woman.
We, our body, we're goingthrough so much and it's so much
(25:37):
hormones that we have and somany things that we have to
battle internally ourselves andour own traumas and things like
that.
I think that was the biggest,hardest part for us because when
you start to change, yourperspective starts to change,
how you see things starts tochange and sometimes you start
to question things and youquestion a lot of things in your
(25:59):
life and decisions that youmake.
So that was like the biggest andthe hardest, the most trying
time, especially when you, ifyou're going through change and
then you involve sickness intothat, you end up getting sick or
you're not able to do thingslike you used to do and you
don't want to be dependent.
So that was the most trying andhard time and I think those are
(26:21):
the times where he I didn'tknow at the time, but he told me
when we went to the war.
He said he prayed through thosetimes.
He seen me changing and he seenthat I was going through
something especially mentally.
So that was the most difficultthat we had to go through.
We had to talk through it, wehad to allow each other, give
each other space to process somethings.
(26:41):
So that was like the biggest, Iwould say, for me.
Speaker 3 (26:44):
Yeah, changes was definitely.
It's inevitable, even whengoing through marriage is
inevitable.
But how you handle it willdefine how you go through it and
how you succeed and processeverything.
Because when you first getmarried, you don't think about
getting older or you don't thinkabout sickness.
(27:05):
Most times you don't thinkabout mental.
You don't think about a lot ofpeople are so focused on
physical that they forget aboutmental.
They don't want their spouse orpartner to get unattractive,
but that is the least word.
But when you have to identifyyour mate or your spouse's
mental challenges and differentthings of that nature, that
(27:27):
affects them.
And when it affects them, itaffects you and you have to be
able to be the one that say youknow what, hey, we're going to
get through this because at somepoint they're going to feel
unwanted, they're going to feelundesirable, they're going to
feel like they're less thanthey're going to get through
this because at some pointthey're going to feel unwanted,
they're going to feelundesirable, they're going to
feel like they're less thanthey're going to feel because
they've been trying to hold somuch together to make sure
(27:48):
you're still happy with them andit's your job to make sure to
let them know like yo, we got.
We going through this together.
Regardless of how you arementally dysfunctional or
however the case may be, we'regoing to get you back.
We're going to get you healthy.
We're going to get you backwhere you need to be, where we
can be happy.
And a lot of times we just don'tfocus on those things.
(28:11):
When we first get married orwhen we're going through,
because we're all getting older,we don't do the things we used
to do.
So it's like, okay, hey, now wehave to focus on our health, we
have to focus on our well-being, to make sure we're healthy for
each other and go through that.
But yeah, it has been achallenge, because certain
things I didn't know about.
(28:32):
I was raised with women, but Inever had to endure those things
with my mom and my grandmotherand things of that nature.
So, and to to endure it withher is really teaching me
patience.
It's teaching me.
It's teaching me to be moreprayerful.
It's teaching me how to keepshowing up, because sometimes,
(28:54):
even if you ain't got the wordsto say, if you ain't got things
to do, just keep showing up,just keep being available and
making sure your spouse knowthat, hey, we're going through
this together.
You're not alone in it.
We're going through thistogether.
If you sick, I'm sick, so we'regoing to make sure we got this.
Speaker 5 (29:13):
Yeah, it was a challenge, because you think
about when we got married we gotchildren.
Yeah, we got married withchildren, always with the kids
and then, once you start gettingthe kids out before I think for
women, for me, I can say for me, I felt like I lost myself.
I lost myself in the children.
I lost myself as a wife indevoting everything for
everybody my job, my kids, myhusband.
(29:34):
But, then, not realizing that Ikind of lost myself in all of
that and realizing, oh whatabout me?
And it just was a lot.
So yeah, especially for a woman.
Speaker 1 (29:47):
Wow, wow.
So from here, communication.
That was a big thing.
So do you think that a lot oftimes we, as couples, we put our
kid and our spouse before ourown well-being?
Do we do that?
Speaker 5 (30:05):
You can do that without even realizing it yeah.
Speaker 3 (30:10):
Because of how you're wired and built, because
they're your kids, they're yourbabies, they came from you, so
it's automatically you're goingto put your whole being inside
for the kids and then, once theyleave, it's like, ok, I don't,
I don't, I don't, lost myself.
Now, what am I supposed to do?
Who am I?
(30:30):
Who am I outside of dad?
Who am I outside of husband?
Who am I outside of that, whenyou devoted so much time, so
much of your energy into takingcare of someone else instead of
taking care of yourself?
And that's how, a lot of times,you get sick, you forget about
your health because you weren'tabout the children, you weren't
(30:53):
about everybody else, becausenow you neglected yourself.
So once they're gone now it'slike what about you now?
Now it's time to fix you.
So you have to be mindful, evenin a marriage, to make sure you
take care of yourself and makesure you stay connected with
your partner, even in takingcare of your children, because
at the end of the day, thechildren going to leave yes, sir
(31:15):
, they leave, they are leaving,leaving.
When they get married, they geta boyfriend, girlfriend.
Believe you me, mama and daddyis nowhere in sight yeah, we
secondary we often tell.
Speaker 1 (31:31):
We often tell couples when we counsel and everything
that's we we preach.
That's why we preach date nightoften, where it's just you and
her and lead the kids.
You got to find a babysitter.
You got to do it.
You may have to sacrifice alittle money to pay a babysitter
, or grandma or auntie is nearyou.
Do that.
But it's very important to taketime away for it's just you and
(31:56):
your spouse Because, like yousaid, eventually them children
gone, you and your spouse.
Because, like you said,eventually them children going
and when they get a boyfriend at13 or 14 and especially now,
you still secondary, wait, wait,you ain't having that.
But I'm just saying it happens.
And so you have to make sureyou have the connection with
your spouse, because I think wetalked about it one time before,
(32:19):
barry, where it says you don'twant to be while your children
is gone and you're looking atyour spouse and say, like you
said earlier, what now?
Or how do you and I need toknow something about you.
No, I need to.
By that time it's hey, we happy, let's do it.
Unfortunately, all, both of usgot dogs, but still, it's it's.
It's all about me putting Godfirst myself, because I believe
(32:42):
this If I'm not ready, I can'ttake care of my spouse, I can't
take care of my children.
So I got to have a time, and soI love the point that Patsy
allow me to have some me time towhere I'm and have friends,
where I could go out and I canenjoy myself.
And I try to allow her the samething, which, hey, just go and
(33:04):
have some me time, do whateveryou need to do to make sure so
we can come together Because,like you said, they're going to
leave.
Speaker 3 (33:11):
You know what I told her, told my wife I say I, now
that the kids are gone, I needto know you without the children
.
I got to know you without thechildren Because most times
we're married for so long and Ionly know her as a mom or a wife
.
But I want to know Johnnywithout responsibility or
(33:36):
children, because that's a wholedifferent identity, that's a
whole different person.
So I want her to know meoutside of children.
We need to know each other whenthere's no responsibility,
because we've been tied down foryears with children and just
(33:56):
responsibility, life Right rightNow.
That we've accomplished and it'sa goal, it's accomplishment.
We good, we're without the kids, but I have to know my wife,
without the responsibility ofgetting up in the morning, going
to work, taking care of thekids, got to make sure this,
Because that's mainly I mean.
Think about it.
That's all our communicationbeen for so many years.
Speaker 1 (34:19):
Routine, you got the kids.
Speaker 3 (34:21):
Right, what you going to eat.
The kids got to eat.
We got to get a babysitter, wegot to do their homework.
So that has been our languagefor years, to the point where
it's like, now that they're gone, what is our language now?
What is our commitment now?
We've devoted ourself and ourmarriage and our fatherhood,
(34:42):
motherhood all that to thechildren to make sure they were
good.
But what is our commitment nowthat they're gone?
Speaker 1 (34:50):
Wow, wow.
You know when you're talkingabout mental structure.
I said, yes, she says mentalstruggles go unnoticed for sure.
And she said y'all speaking,y'all dropping it unnoticed for
sure.
Speaker 2 (35:03):
And she said y'all speaking, y'all dropping it now.
And I also wanted to say I'm,I'm.
I'm one for this kind ofreliving the vows in my head but
where it?
says in sickness and in health alot of time we always think
that that that health isphysical, but that health is so
mental, it could be yourupbringing, it could be bad
relationships, it could.
So mental, it could be yourupbringing, it could be bad
relationships, it could bebaggage, it could be so much.
And then you're trying to.
(35:25):
You don't know why this personis feeling that way, because
they don't want to share thatmost intimate part with you,
especially when it comes down to, especially when it comes down
to our health.
I don't think I want to letEric know about this right now.
I want to make sure, I want tomake sure I want to make sure I
I'm got all the t's crossed andthe i's dotted before I lay this
(35:46):
on him, so I can, I'll carrythat and and indirectly, I'll,
I'll be treating him some kindof way without even realizing
what's going on.
So we talk about in sicknessand health.
I think we should add mentalhealth to that vow, mental
health right?
Yeah, I think we should addmental health to it, because
(36:06):
mental health, let me tell you,is some serious business.
Speaker 1 (36:09):
Yes, it is, it is, yeah, it is.
Speaker 2 (36:10):
And by the grace of God, because we love the Lord,
we know we can go to the rock.
But if you need to talk tosomebody, go talk to somebody.
To talk to somebody, go talk tosomebody.
Yes, sir, go, yeah, go talk tosomebody, because sometimes it
helps to hear how you feelingoutside of your body, like you,
like you want to hear, you hearyourself saying it and then and
most therapists you solve yourown problems anyway.
(36:33):
So you talk, you talking tothem, but you actually talking
yourself through it.
So that's okay.
But yeah, that's what I'm like.
I I speak with a lot of youngmarried women and they'd be like
you don't understand what I'mgoing through.
Would you have you told him hecan't?
he can't understand if he don'tknow, if he don't know, so yeah,
a lot of times.
(36:53):
So that was something thatstood out with me with that
challenge, so I appreciate youfor sharing that.
Speaker 1 (36:59):
I really do.
I'm telling you yeah, give youa shout out on that.
Yeah, give you a shout out,give you a shout out, man.
And so so as we getting readyto wind down, because Patsy is
on a time limit, oh you knowwhat we got to.
Speaker 2 (37:16):
We have to go to the All right.
Speaker 1 (37:19):
So so we get.
We have to go to them, allright.
So we're getting down to thenitty gritty here because we're
all about trying to help othercouples, not that we know
everything, and that's why we'vebeen doing this interview
series on our season three.
We've been doing a lot ofinterviews because we want to
let people know that we don'tknow everything.
But we have other people thatwe know that can just share some
(37:40):
nuggets, share some nuggets,and so I thank God again.
I thank God for for you all,and that's just so open to just
share.
So I want to ask you, whatadvice would you give to couples
who feel overwhelmed in theirmarriage or family life?
What advice would you give them?
Speaker 5 (37:58):
You want to start, you want me to start.
You can start Um what you givethem.
You want to start, you want meto start.
You can start um, when you feeloverwhelmed.
I say the thing that helped methe most was because I felt
overwhelmed a lot.
So I would say write it down.
I've written, I've writtenthings down like I've.
As soon as the emotion come upor when I start to feel
(38:18):
overwhelmed, I will go somewhereand I just start either typing
or writing.
So I use the notes on my phoneand I just started typing.
Today is such and such and Iwoke up like this or this is
what happened.
I just express it and then Iwould go back later and read it
when I'm no longer feeling thatway and then when I go back and
read it, I try to process thatfeeling and then I try to go to
(38:41):
him and talk to him about it.
It's easier said than done.
Of course, I think I did morewriting before talking, which
probably I should, probablyshould have talked some things
through but I was the type ofperson I always thought that he
should just automatically know,like I was the type of person
like if you're in tune to me orif you're into me, I shouldn't
have to tell you that was me andI had to work on that.
(39:05):
But yeah, that's what I used todo, just to write it down.
I played music.
I would go to a spa and justsit there, get something done
and just start thinking aboutthings and wonder why am I
overwhelmed or what's going on?
And those are the things.
Things just write, talk tomyself, just meditate on some
things.
Speaker 3 (39:23):
I think the first thing I think the first thing in
a marriage you can do whenyou're feeling overwhelmed is to
actually tell your spouse don't, don't.
And when I say, tell yourspouse, get them by themselves.
Or say, hey, can I speak withyou for a minute?
And I just want to sharesomething that I'm feeling and
(39:47):
just kind of set the tone andsay you know what I'm feeling a
little overwhelmed and explainwhat you're feeling overwhelmed
about, because most times it'smiscommunication, because when
you go off of action or emotion,that leaves your partner in the
dark and it leaves them in thedark to try to figure it out and
(40:10):
guess what that stresses themout, because now they're trying
to figure it out and trying tomake sure you're okay and trying
to fix something they don'teven know that they're trying to
fix.
So the biggest thing iscommunicating what is
overwhelming you, so that youdon't have to be overwhelmed by
(40:30):
yourself or go through whatyou're going through by yourself
.
That's what helpmates are for,that's what people that's in
your life is for.
Get them by themselves Like,hey, I need to speak with you
for a moment Instead ofgossiping, instead of doing all
this other stuff.
Get them by yourself and say,hey, I'm feeling a little
overwhelmed, I might need totake a moment, I might need to
do a little drive, or I mightneed to go to Barnes and Noble
(40:53):
and just sit there and peoplewatch I don't know.
Do something that you will calmyou.
I mean people watching calms me, because people watching is one
of those things that it takesmy mind off of everything and
I'd be sitting there like whatin the world is going on with
these people.
Speaker 2 (41:10):
See, you know what?
His birthday is September,because I do it too.
I'd be like, wow, and it does.
Speaker 1 (41:20):
It's kind of relaxing and like she brings me and she
brings me into that stuff to betalking about I'd be like baby,
but listen.
Speaker 3 (41:28):
The best time to watch people is to sit outside
of a haunted house.
That is the funniest thing butthose are things.
those are things that you coulddo to feel overwhelmed.
When you're overwhelmed in yourmarriage, when you're
overwhelmed, the first thing youneed to do is communicate with
your partner, with your spouse,and just let them know, like hey
(41:50):
, I'm just feeling a littleoverwhelmed and I'm not up to it
today, or whatever the case maybe.
And, of course, if that spouseis really in tune with you,
they're going to say, hey, whatdo you need me to do?
May be, and, of course, if thatspouse is really in tune with
you, they're going to say, hey,what do you need me to do?
Where can I assist to make sureyou get?
Speaker 5 (42:09):
unstuck or get unobstructed and things of that
nature.
And that was my issuecommunication.
I didn't know how tocommunicate.
Speaker 1 (42:14):
Wow, that's surprising, because you hear a
lot that women communicate muchbetter than men, when they just
you know, hey, you got to talk,you got to talk.
So that's very interesting toknow that you just say I didn't
know how to communicate, sothat's cool.
Speaker 5 (42:30):
How am I feeling?
Speaker 1 (42:31):
Yeah, yeah, and we got to be able to communicate
about our feelings and, like yousaid, stephen, that we got to
be able to tell our.
If we can't tell anybody, wegot to be able to tell our
spouse.
Speaker 3 (42:42):
Got to.
You got to and you should feelcomfortable and not scared to
tell them because, like whatPastor was saying, to make sure
this is good or that is good,your spouse is not even worried
about that most of the time.
They just want you to behealthy.
They just want and a lot ofwomen and I noticed with her a
lot of women want to be perfect.
They want to be that don't havemistakes or that don't do
(43:11):
anything crazy.
Most of the time men are noteven worried about none of that.
All men want to do is how canthey fix your problem?
Speaker 2 (43:19):
That's it.
That's the problem.
That's the problem.
That's the problem.
We don't want it fixed.
Sometimes we just want y'all tolisten.
Speaker 1 (43:27):
And I think that's where.
That's where we good now.
But that's where communicationcomes in.
And sometimes I'm still likethat, because I'm a problem
fixer.
I literally say, well, babe, do, cause I'm a problem fixer.
I love to say, well, they dothis and they do that.
And so it is taking me, andeven sometimes I still don't get
(43:47):
it.
I have to ask her she's cominghome with a problem.
I have to say, all right, doshe want me to fix it or not, or
did you want me to listen?
And so sometimes I have to, ifI don't know, have to ask pass
it, do you want me to fix it ordo you want me to listen?
And she said I just want you tolisten.
And I said, okay, let me justlet me listen.
And then if she says, yes, Iwant you to do something, even
(44:09):
after I listen, she might saycan you do this?
And I said, okay, but it tookme a while because I'm a problem
fixer, right, and I, and Idon't, and I don't want my baby
to worry about nothing.
No, I really don't want her toworry about finances.
I really don't want my baby toworry about nothing.
I really don't want her toworry about finances.
I really don't want that and,honest, straightforward, I've
gotten myself in trouble,especially when it comes down to
(44:31):
finances, because I didn't wanther to worry about it, and so I
took on a lot where I neededher help, where I could have
just came to her and said babe,this is what's going on in our
finances and we need to do this,but I wanted to try to fix it
myself and then when she findsout about it, it just got crazy
and I messed it up.
Speaker 2 (44:51):
So yeah, I'm just honest, I'm honest, I'm just
honest.
It means in every aspect.
Help me.
Speaker 1 (44:58):
I'm here to help.
Speaker 2 (44:59):
When I want you to fix it, I'll say, babe, can you
handle this?
Because sometimes and anotherthing too, when we talk about
being overwhelmed.
You know I'm going to be 58this year.
Speaker 1 (45:10):
All right, 58.
Look at my baby, look good,look good, beautiful.
Yes sir, yes sir, yes sir,thank you, yes sir.
Speaker 2 (45:19):
You as well.
I'm looking at you lookingfabulous.
I'm like, okay, all right, sis,but sometimes the whole changes
things going on.
Sometimes I get overwhelmed.
I really don't know why I'moverwhelmed.
I'm just having a moment.
Just give me a hold up, let mepull it together, let me.
(45:43):
I'm just, I'm gonna take amental health day and I'm gonna
stay in bed all day and watchLifetime and whatever.
I just need a moment, andsometimes I just need a good cry
, but I don't.
I don't always know what theproblem is, so I so, as Stokes
said, just listen.
That's all I need at that time,because I'm still trying to
figure out why I'm overwhelmed.
(46:03):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (46:05):
But I always take it to the rock, check this out.
We want y'all to listen andconnect with us.
No fixing needed, just chatwith your girl.
Then she followed up and saysnow, if we mistakenly call you
girl, just roll with it.
Y'all are our best friends somany times.
(46:25):
I done been called girl childSteve.
You been calling that too,steve.
I'm like I just roll with it, Ijust say it is, I don't say
nothing.
I say nothing.
Speaker 3 (46:43):
I'm like, yeah, you right.
Speaker 2 (46:45):
I'm like girl you got to be kidding me.
I know I'll be like and girl,you know.
Speaker 4 (46:50):
She's like yeah, yeah , yeah, I know.
Speaker 2 (46:51):
I know, I know.
Speaker 3 (47:06):
I'm like I didn't mean to go, but it's true.
That's so true.
It's made them, yeah, but Ilove it.
They get it out.
As long as they get it out,it's all that matters, just get
it out, I mean, and it creates asafe space.
Speaker 1 (47:11):
That means yes, it makes me know, I'm sorry, but it
makes me know that, becausewhen she's rolling with the
girls and they talking, it makesme kind of feel good that she
treats me as one of her girls,her friends.
I'm just saying that that youtrust me enough that you say
girl, child, but it's just like,ok, we're best friends and
(47:34):
that's cool.
Don't do it all the time, don'tdo it out in the public baby.
Speaker 2 (47:39):
But you know that song that Prince sang.
If I Was your Girlfriend, ohJesus.
Now I know the meaning of it.
Now I see where he was goingwith that, because we that close
.
If I was your girlfriend, wecool like that and I appreciate
you going with me to get my toesdone and stuff, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (48:01):
I'll do that little with Nandi.
Yeah, I like that.
Speaker 2 (48:06):
Yeah, that's right, tata.
I say just roll with it Justroll with it.
Speaker 1 (48:11):
Hey, I tell any husband, if you haven't been
called girl or child, you ain'tthere yet.
You ain't there yet.
Speaker 2 (48:22):
You almost caught that juice.
Wow, that is so true, that's sotrue.
Let's see what they saying inthe comments.
Speaker 5 (48:36):
They just going back and forth, say exactly the past.
Speaker 1 (48:39):
See, you got me.
That's what it is to say,that's it, that's it, that's it.
Speaker 2 (48:43):
So sometimes we don't know, and it's so important for
you guys, sometimes we justneed somebody to just say it,
yeah.
Speaker 1 (48:49):
It's to say y'all are the top friend.
We don't share with everybody.
You know it says the way weshare with y'all.
Speaker 2 (48:57):
That's true.
Yeah, we'll share some stuffwith you, share with y'all.
Speaker 1 (49:01):
That's good, yeah, y'all do, y'all do.
Well, we got five minutes, baby, you better come on now.
Speaker 2 (49:06):
Okay, let me see here what do we have.
Oh, if you could go back toyour early years, when you first
got married what would you tellyour younger selves?
Speaker 5 (49:18):
Oh my God that's what I had said.
I told him we should renew ourvows at 25 years.
And I your younger selves oh, Igot it what I had said.
I told him we should renew ourvows at 25 years.
And I said at a reception weshould do a video of a picture
of us when we first got marriedand a message to ourselves Wow.
So when you said it, I'm like,wow, See, what would I tell?
Go for it.
Speaker 3 (49:42):
What would I tell myself?
Or what would I tell her?
Speaker 2 (49:45):
What would you tell yourself?
Speaker 5 (49:47):
Yourself this thing to when you first got married.
Speaker 3 (49:50):
Woo, oh man.
What would I tell myself?
Ooh man, Slow down.
Speaker 1 (49:57):
Oh, okay.
Speaker 3 (49:58):
I would tell myself slow down, take it slow and yeah
, take it real slow and makesure you allow God to order
every step and every decision.
And my biggest thing was I wasmoving precisely because being
(50:22):
raised in the church, beingbrought up in the church and
living with your girlfriend andall that, and being a musician
and a minister and all thosedifferent things, I would have
told myself to slow down to myyounger self, Okay, all right.
Speaker 1 (50:33):
All right, john.
What about you?
Speaker 5 (50:35):
I would have just told myself let it go and it's
okay.
Yeah, I held on to a lot ofthings and I come in and come in
and, unknowing, so I would havesaid, just let it go and it's
okay.
Wow.
Speaker 1 (50:48):
That's good.
Speaker 2 (50:49):
Great advice?
Yeah, because sometimes wethink we running out of time.
Speaker 1 (50:56):
Yeah, we move quick and that's why I try and
encourage people.
Speaker 2 (50:59):
I'm like like you know what slow down.
I even tell my girls I'd belike you know what slow down
you're gonna be okay I have.
One of the one of the twins issaying like she feel pressured
when people ask her at churchyou ain't married yet you ain't
got no kids.
Kids.
She say mom, it does somethingto me.
(51:20):
Why do they feel like I have tohave these things?
I say you don't.
Speaker 3 (51:24):
In your time.
Speaker 2 (51:25):
In your time, baby girl, don't let nobody rest you
into doing anything.
Slow down, yeah we totally.
Speaker 1 (51:32):
I think we was talking to a couple and we just
told them, because it was likeoh, we got to have a house
couple and we just told thembecause it was like oh we got to
have a house.
We got to do the furniture, wegot to do this, we got to do
that.
Speaker 4 (51:42):
Just slow down just take your time.
Speaker 1 (51:44):
Yes, if you're gonna, if you're gonna get a house,
yeah, get a house and take yourtime and furnishing each part of
the room, just becausesometimes when you rush you
don't get to know that personthat you're there because you're
rushing trying to pulleverything together so fast yeah
, and I think we.
Speaker 2 (51:59):
I think too another thing too growing up in the
church I I don't know about you,but growing up in the church
they always made it seem you gotto get married, you got to get
a house, you gotta have babies.
Speaker 4 (52:08):
You gotta do this.
Speaker 2 (52:09):
It's a process you gotta do this, this in an oven,
so when you jump out there you'dbe like, okay, you got you.
You hit the ground running andthen you'd be thinking like, why
did I marry this guy?
Why did I do this?
Because they put so muchpressure on us being raised up
in church.
So the church really needs tofind a balance when it comes
(52:29):
down to young adults and pushingthem out their life.
Speaker 1 (52:32):
I'm going to make this statement.
Yeah, I got to make thisstatement.
I got to make this statement.
The church has caused moredivorces than a lot.
You better say that.
Speaker 2 (52:42):
Yeah, bro, yeah, yeah , yeah, yeah yeah.
Speaker 1 (52:48):
I agree with that they have.
They've caused more Because,like you said, they put pressure
on you.
They put pressure and they sayyou got to do this, you got to
do five years.
You got to do this 10 years,you got to do that.
Oh, you got to be in ministry.
Oh, you got to be in ministry.
And, and from experience,ministry will cause you to be at
the doorsteps of divorce if youdon't watch it.
(53:08):
I'm just being real.
Speaker 3 (53:16):
I'm just being real no, you're telling the truth,
man, you own it though they puta lot of pressure.
Speaker 1 (53:22):
They put a lot of pressure on us.
So you just have to back downand just look and we as, like
you said, you've been married along time.
We have to look at our kids andtell them say, there's no
pressure, you do, you learn howto take care of yourself, and
it's no pressure.
I'm not pressuring you, but Iwill like a grandkid every now
and then, but I ain't pressuringyou, but I'm just joking.
(53:45):
I'm just joking, but you knowI'm not pressuring you.
And if you do get married,whatever church you go to, don't
let them pressure you to be nodeacon and don't let them
pressure you to be no minister.
Don't let them pressure you tobe all that stuff.
You take your time, love Godand love your family, love your
wife, love your kids and that'sit.
Yeah, and I think a lot oftimes.
Speaker 3 (54:07):
I think a lot of times, even in the church, they
push these agendas and they pushthese things on you without
even the people knowingthemselves.
The people don't even knowthemselves and they tell people
you got this person is a goodfit for you.
(54:27):
Well, how do you know?
I don't even know myself, letalone trying to get to know
somebody else.
And the crazy thing, even inthe church.
I barely know God.
Speaker 1 (54:38):
Oh yes.
Speaker 3 (54:46):
I'm going to get married and I'm barely figuring
out how to handle myself, how toknow myself and build a
relationship with God, and tryto invite somebody else into
that dysfunction.
Speaker 1 (54:53):
Yes.
Speaker 3 (54:54):
That's the craziness that is all compiled in
marriages these days.
Because now you're pushing, I'mpushing my dysfunctionality on
somebody else rather thangetting to know myself ground
myself, groom myself get a goodrelationship with God, you
understand, and that way I canmeet a person that they can be
(55:16):
grounded, groomed or whatever.
We can date and get togetherand go from there, but not be
pressured into anything dealingwith church, society, family,
nothing but getting to knowourselves, to get to know each
other.
Speaker 1 (55:31):
And that's what's missing?
That's what's missing.
Speaker 2 (55:34):
That deserves a clap right there bro.
Speaker 1 (55:38):
That's why we hey, I tell people quick you better
watch out for these prophetsthat be prophesying and saying
that's your husband or you gonnabe married in five years, or
that's your husband right there.
No, no, no, no, sorry, hey, wegoing to the chat.
Go on to the chat.
Oh Lord, have mercy.
Speaker 2 (55:55):
Oh Lord, the chat.
Okay so, but like I say she,she don't do the girl thing, she
just say bro that's some youngpeople, that's a mountain.
Speaker 1 (56:04):
I hear it too.
Speaker 2 (56:06):
I've been saying she said well so long ago.
I'd say trust your gut, youwere right and you're making the
right decision.
So I'm guessing that's based onthe communication.
Speaker 1 (56:20):
Oh no, when you're talking about the younger self.
Yeah, that was the younger self, yeah yeah, my younger self boy
.
Speaker 2 (56:25):
I'm surprised I ain't in prison, but anyway, praise
God I give you a clap rightthere.
I am surprised, but you know,as Maytha also said, she said
she agreed because the churchhas misguided.
so many people and it's mydaughter who said she said she
agreed because the church hasmisguided so many people and
it's a shame and like and likestokes was saying I'm like you
know what it you was.
(56:46):
You was hitting the nail on thehead because I hear it so many
times.
And I and at work I talked, Ihad this one lady we went away
for.
We went away for summer breakand and when we came back, she
was not only engaged, she wasmarried.
Speaker 3 (57:02):
Whoa.
Speaker 2 (57:04):
We go on Christmas break and come back.
She filed for a divorce AugustChristmas and she said it was
all because the ladies in hercircle encouraged her.
You can't shack up and ifyou're going to be hanging
around with him, you might aswell marry him.
And I was like a minute, isthat what you wanted?
She said.
I thought he was nice, youthought he was not.
(57:25):
You don't know this man, sothey will misguide you.
And then also, if you in anabusive marriage, in the church,
jesus, they don't want to Justpray for him.
My sign is y'all pray for him,because I'm definitely finna go
to jail, so that's somethingthat they really need to.
(57:46):
They got to find a balance inthere, that is true.
And as Mather said, preachfolks, preach.
Speaker 3 (57:52):
All right.
Speaker 2 (57:54):
And Amai said she agrees.
Speaker 1 (57:57):
I know Amai agree with me.
That's my baby, that's mygrandbaby she's being big.
Yeah, she's being big, well,hey, hey, this has been good.
Speaker 2 (58:07):
Yes, yes, yes.
Speaker 1 (58:11):
Oh man, this has been spirited and I love it, and I
love it, and I love it, and wejust want to thank you, stephen
and Johnny, for just saying yesto the interview and just
expressing yourselves and beingreal.
That's what we're all about.
Real, our church is real lifeand that's why we do marriage in
real life and just being realabout your life and things.
(58:35):
And so I just want to say thankyou from the bottom of my heart
.
Speaker 2 (58:38):
Yes, thank you so much.
I mean, the audience is on fire.
When you guys are talking, theyare loving it.
We're going to have to havey'all back.
Speaker 1 (58:45):
Yeah, we got to have y'all back for a deeper right.
So Samson says how can we reachout to you all?
So please tell us about yoursocial media handles or website
or whatever like that, and we'llmake sure that it's out there.
But you know, just go ahead andtell us how can they reach out.
Speaker 3 (59:06):
You can reach out to me on all social media platforms
at Stephen Stokes Instagram isStephen underscore university,
so and I also have a podcast aswell called Underground Gospel
Radio, so you can catch me onthere as well, and that's on all
social media.
(59:26):
Underground Gospel Radio.
You can find me on TikTok andwe're also on all platforms, on
podcast platforms and what else.
I think that's it as far associal media.
Speaker 5 (59:41):
Yeah, my Facebook is Johnine Stokes.
I think it's just JohnineStokes, right, yeah?
And then my Instagram.
I had to think about it.
And my Instagram is what is it?
Oh, now, don't judge me on myInstagram, but it's catered to
me only On Instagram.
But you can definitely catch uson those Plus on the
underground.
(01:00:01):
I'm on there sometimes,sometimes, yeah.
Speaker 2 (01:00:04):
Yeah, I hadn't seen you on there in a while.
Speaker 5 (01:00:07):
Yeah, no, I haven't been on there for a while.
Yeah, yeah, I mean.
Speaker 1 (01:00:10):
I've been tripping out on underground radio because
they be they be tripping me outtoo.
It'd be good, yeah.
Speaker 2 (01:00:25):
Yeah that's my church that's the church for me, so
all right though, but it isawesome.
Yeah, I love the interviews.
Speaker 3 (01:00:29):
I like the people, I love the music it's nice, yeah,
yeah, so yeah, I don't saynothing, I don't say nothing
because I'll be like I'm justgonna listen now yeah, all right
, cool, but but yeah, this isnice and again, thank you.
Speaker 1 (01:00:41):
We got to have you back.
We get deep and talk about thischurch thing and what's going
on, and so again, from thebottom of my heart, I really,
really appreciate you takingyour time on your Monday to to
just just chop it up with us.
Speaker 5 (01:00:55):
Just chop it up with us Absolutely.
Thank you for having us too.
Speaker 1 (01:01:00):
And we went 10 minutes over because of Patsy.
I just wanted everybody to knowthat.
I just wanted everybody to knowwe went 10 minutes over because
of Patsy.
Speaker 4 (01:01:10):
Alright.
Speaker 1 (01:01:13):
Alright.
Well, we want to thank youagain and again.
You can join us.
We're all everywhere,everywhere.
Social media.
Please make sure, if youhaven't liked and subscribed,
make sure you subscribe to RealLife TV 1 and make sure you
subscribe to Marriage and RealLife podcast and, like I said,
you can go back and listen tothis and watch it again.
I guarantee you'll pick up oneof the nuggets.
(01:01:35):
And again, thank you forjoining with us tonight.
Thank, you so much, thank youfor joining with us and we want
to say good night.
Speaker 2 (01:01:41):
Good night, Thank you guys.
Speaker 1 (01:01:43):
Good night, everybody Good night everybody, Thank you
guys.
Speaker 4 (01:01:47):
If you're hearing this message, you've listened to
the entire podcast and for thatwe want to thank you from the
bottom of our hearts.
We hope you enjoyed this newepisode and, if you did, please
rate and review our show on yourfavorite podcast channel.
Please share this episode withothers who may be interested in
this topic.
Also, feel free to let us knowwhat topics you'd like to see
(01:02:07):
covered in future episodes.
Get in touch in the comments oron any social media networks.
At Marriage in Real LifePodcast, see you in two weeks
for a new episode.
Thank you.
Well, welcome to Marriage in Real Life, welcome.
Thank you for joining us.
Yes, yes, yes, yes, that'sanother time.
Hey, I'm so glad everybody'shere, right, right.
Well, I'm Eric, I'm Boss Lady P, all right, and we're Marriage
(00:20):
in Real Life, all right.
Well, what's been happeningthese last two weeks, babe you
know how we start out oh, alot's been going on.
It ain't been that much.
Speaker 2 (00:34):
We went on a date.
Speaker 1 (00:35):
Oh yeah, yeah, we went on a date.
We had that date.
Yeah, we went on a date, yeah,yeah.
Speaker 2 (00:41):
What else?
What else are we supposed to do?
Speaker 1 (00:45):
Where did we go on a date?
What was that?
Speaker 2 (00:47):
Well, we went to that festival in Pompano on
Hammondsville we did someValentine's.
Speaker 3 (00:53):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (00:54):
I remember we were saying oh, why is Valentine's
Day catered to the women?
Why is Valentine's Day cateredto the women?
I said it's not catered towomen.
I think, just growing up as ayoung girl, we always saw the
man present a gift, so we justfollowed suit.
So after you made this stinkabout not, being appreciated on
Valentine's Day did I notappreciate you.
Speaker 1 (01:16):
Yeah, you did, you did.
I give you a shout out and Igive you a clap.
You did, but I got you the best.
Speaker 2 (01:24):
You did All right, I got you the best.
Speaker 1 (01:26):
I spoiled you in front of your whole school.
Speaker 2 (01:29):
The whole faculty.
Speaker 1 (01:30):
All right, I'm back to that.
Hey, I be doing it, I be doingit.
Speaker 2 (01:36):
Okay, so we did do that.
We did a christening yesterdayfor Muffin.
Speaker 1 (01:39):
Yeah, for Muffin.
My grandbaby Give a shout outto her, so sweet she.
My grandbaby Give a shout outto Mai, so sweet.
Speaker 2 (01:43):
She's so good and she's going to be two on Friday.
Speaker 1 (01:46):
Yes, yeah on Friday she's going to be two, all right
, and she already moved up tothe two-year-old class.
No, she hasn't.
Oh, you didn't tell me that.
Speaker 2 (01:54):
I just found out today.
Speaker 1 (01:55):
Oh, okay, okay, Four hours ago.
Speaker 2 (01:59):
Okay that, so we've been busy yeah we've been busy.
Yeah, getting ready for thechurch anniversary?
Speaker 1 (02:05):
Yeah, we're getting ready for church anniversary and
things like that.
So yeah, it's been quite athing.
Speaker 2 (02:11):
Productive.
Yeah, man, I'm telling youGetting things done.
Speaker 1 (02:14):
Yeah, we've been getting things done Well.
We want to give a shout out toRob all the way from Orlando.
We know several people arewatching with us.
Please make sure.
Sure, izzy, izzy, izzy, allright, how you doing, izzy, all
right, so we just thank you forjoining us tonight.
We have a very special showtonight.
We have another interview, andso we're so happy to have this
(02:36):
young couple.
We've known them for a longtime and so we're so happy to
have them on our show tonight,as they share and just do it.
So I'm ready to get into it,cause you already told me that
we got a time limit.
Speaker 2 (02:48):
Oh no, I just said listen here, bro, let's not go
over our time.
Speaker 1 (02:54):
You gave me a time limit.
Speaker 2 (02:55):
You bought me into the game.
You said an hour.
These, these podcasts has beenstarting to go an hour 15, hour
20.
Speaker 1 (03:07):
go an hour 15 hour 20 , but they'd be so good, don't
you think they'd be good, they'dbe awesome, right?
So what's the deal?
I mean, you don't want them togo that, or what?
What?
What do you what?
So what are you saying?
Huh, okay, hey, we get a shoutout to samson.
Get a shout out to samson too,all right, and so what were you
saying?
You don't want?
Speaker 2 (03:26):
I'm saying that just know the audience.
If the audience is quiet, thenit's time to.
Speaker 1 (03:30):
Well, all the time the audience don't be quiet.
Speaker 2 (03:32):
Sometimes you be like come on, come on, talk to me,
talk to me, talk to me.
Somebody.
Call in 754-222-2219.
Y'all know I'm right.
Speaker 1 (03:43):
Oh man, y'all know I'm right.
I Y'all know I'm right.
Oh man, y'all know I'm right.
I don't want to hear that.
Speaker 2 (03:47):
All right, go all the way, go all the way.
I mean, I'm the type of personthat I kind of just am observing
.
If I see things going in acertain direction, then I know,
but you're not.
Speaker 1 (04:02):
And I guess that's what makes us connect, because
we're so different in thataspect.
Speaker 2 (04:04):
We're so different in that aspect.
I believe in saying hey, canyou come up and do a prayer?
Not, hey, you come on up hereand give us a prayer, that's it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Speaker 1 (04:10):
You know how.
The rule is it ain't?
Speaker 2 (04:11):
no, everybody don't go by that rule just because we
were raised that way.
Speaker 1 (04:15):
The rule is look especially as a leader.
You come to church with aprayer, a song and a word and a
scripture.
Speaker 2 (04:23):
But these people, don't be leaders.
Everybody I call man.
You know what?
Speaker 1 (04:27):
Okay, pastor, hey hey , ask Izzy, izzy know I do that.
Speaker 2 (04:31):
Ask Harold how many times you just say hey, harold,
I want you to come over here andpray for this.
Speaker 1 (04:35):
Oh man, Now he called me out.
Well, Rob ain't neverexperienced that, so I don't
want to hear that Be prepared,Rob you next.
All right, we're going to getinto our interview tonight.
We're so glad to have thisyoung couple with us.
Like I said, we've known themfor a long time and we're
(04:55):
looking forward to a goodconversation tonight.
Speaker 2 (04:58):
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (04:58):
They up there in the cold.
Speaker 2 (05:00):
Yeah, but the sun is out.
Speaker 1 (05:01):
The sun is out.
They say it ain't the Floridasun.
Speaker 2 (05:04):
But it's enough sun, Trust me.
I remember living in Virginia.
The rarest snowstorm since Iwas born happened the year I
moved there, so I understandwhen the sun come out when it's
snow on the ground.
Speaker 1 (05:16):
It ain't the Florida sun.
Speaker 2 (05:17):
It definitely ain't the Florida sun, it ain't enough
to melt it, but it's enough foryou to say hey, I can take off
a layer today, all right, sohere we go Break a bone, hey,
hey.
Speaker 1 (05:28):
Marriage of real life .
We want to welcome the Stokestonight.
All the way from North CarolinaCome on.
Hey how y'all doing, how y'alldoing, how y'all doing.
Speaker 5 (05:40):
Doing great.
How are you?
Speaker 1 (05:42):
We're doing good.
We're doing good, we're so gladto to have you on tonight to
share with us we.
We, like you said, we marriagein real life and we just talk
about marriage and in in whatthe real things that happen,
because there's difficulties andthere's good times and there's
bad times and sometimes what wefound out.
A lot of people want to talkabout the good times and but
(06:03):
they don't want to talk aboutthe bad times.
And then when they see yourmarriage because we've been
married almost 33 years and theywant to say, well, I want a
marriage just like that, butthey never know exactly what
we've been through in order toget to where we are now.
So we just wanted to bring youon and just and just have a
conversation with you.
Are you all right with that?
Yes, all right.
Right with that?
(06:29):
Yes, all right, all right.
So introduce yourself to the to, to the world, and tell us a
little bit about yourself.
You can go as much as you wantto and we will.
We'll just follow on in, allright, let's go.
Speaker 5 (06:37):
Yes, I'm johnny stokes and we've been married 23
years Together 24 years.
And, let's see, we live inNorth Carolina.
I'm not supposed to introduceus, okay, oh?
Speaker 1 (06:58):
Yes, sir.
Speaker 5 (06:58):
Yes, sir, but yeah, that's me.
Oh, oh, should I say how manykids I have?
Seven kids, all seven girls.
Bruh, hold, on hold, on hold onhold on Bruh.
Speaker 1 (07:12):
You had seven girls and with Johnny, make eight.
Bruh, how did you do it?
I had four right Plus passingfive.
That right, yeah, yeah, yeah,yeah right.
Plus passive five, that right,yeah, right, yeah.
And man.
So you got hey.
Before you go into father, tellme how did you do it, please.
Please, tell the congregationhow you did.
Oh man oh, jesus are weintroducing?
Speaker 3 (07:38):
are we still introducing?
oh, and they answer the questionyeah okay, so I'm steve and,
like she said, we've beenmarried 23 years, been together,
24.
We have seven girls, sevenbeautiful girls, and it was some
ups and downs, it was arollercoaster ride.
Me being the only male in thehouse, it definitely takes a lot
of patience to raise womenlittle women, yes, little women.
(08:01):
So, and God had to give me alot of patience and how to
really how can you say it?
How to really train or raiseeach individual personality.
So each one of them wasdifferent in their own little
(08:21):
way.
So and I think a lot of parentsknows their kids but that
really takes a lot of patience,a lot of attention and things of
that nature.
Speaker 5 (08:29):
So I can't say it was easy, I'm not going to sit here
and say it was easy.
Speaker 3 (08:33):
There's plenty of times I want to walk out and go
and don't come back.
Plenty of times I want to putmy head through the wall.
But you definitely have to havea lot of patience and make sure
you have the endurance to raisechildren and girls at that.
Raising boys and raising girlsis totally different.
(08:55):
With girls you got to be sternbut also sympathetic and
impatient and kind andunderstanding, and with boys
it's more so.
Hey, man, hey, get yourselftogether, let's get this
together.
Girls you got to talk throughit.
You got to explain you got tomake sure they understand and
(09:16):
make sure, hey, this is notcorrect, this is right, so forth
and so on.
So it's just one of thosethings that you just have to
continue to do, and I still doto this day, even though most of
them, a lot of them, is out ofmy house now, so they still call
mom, dad, how you do this, mom,dad, what we do with this or
what we do.
So you still have to make sureyou have that patience for them.
Speaker 1 (09:40):
Wow, yes, I get a shout out.
I got to give you a shout out.
I gotall Boy.
I got to give you a shout out.
I got to give you a salute.
I got to give you a salute.
Speaker 2 (09:50):
Yeah, appreciate it.
Man Appreciate it.
Speaker 1 (09:56):
So we may have people that be online.
They may ask questions, and sowe'll read throughout if they
have questions or comments.
That's what we do.
But we want to ask you.
I want to say and I know bothof you are Christians and I know
Lord has brought y'all a mightylong way, and so I want to ask
you this How's your faithinfluenced your marriage over
(10:18):
the years, especially during thedifficult times?
How's that?
Especially during the difficulttimes?
How's that?
Speaker 3 (10:24):
I mean mainly the faith is the glue.
It's the glue to us, man.
We can't move forward.
We can't do anything withoutthat.
So we always want to make sureit's the glue.
It's the thing that keep ustogether, it's the thing that we
go to when we're upset.
It's the thing that we makesure we understand and make sure
(10:45):
that we are on the same pagenot just same page in a
relationship, but on the samepage biblically, on the same
page, spiritually on the samepage.
Because a lot of people thinkmore so physical side of it, but
they forget about the spiritualside, where you have to be on
the same page with that and yougot to make it the glue.
It's not always going to beeasy.
(11:10):
Sometimes we don't even see outof it.
I'm like why are you praying?
What are you praying for?
But we have to make sure thatand that calms you down.
At the end of the day, it calmsyou down, it brings you
together and you really seekunderstanding and clarity on why
this is happening.
Something is about to happen.
Something great is about tohappen for us, something great
is about to shift, somethinggreat is about to transpire.
(11:34):
If you're arguing or don't likeeach other, or if something is
happening, that means somethingis definitely about to happen
for your good.
So you always want to haveunderstanding and clarity for
that.
Speaker 5 (11:45):
Yeah, I think, even with the faith, because, as we
know, faith you don't see right,it's just something you have to
have positivity in and that'swhat kept us in.
When it got really bad and letme say it got bad, bad we would
always take it to the naturalearth, we would take it to the
water, we would go to the beachBecause it's for some reason
(12:06):
going out there.
It calmed us it was like a nicecalming thing and it would calm
us and then we would be able tohave clarity and then talk.
Then we can talk to each otherand talk through it, like, okay,
well, this is why you hurt myfeelings and or this is why
he'll say why he hurt hisfeelings, like we had to be able
to hear each other.
You know what I mean?
We, we allowed that calmnessand then we used the waves Like
(12:26):
Faith.
We just like, okay, we're goingto put it out there and we're
just going to let it go, becausethere's the waves, it just
keeps going and it flows on andon and we just had to know how
to.
We just operated in that for us.
Speaker 1 (12:38):
Okay, y'all ain't got no beach up in North Carolina.
Speaker 5 (12:45):
What y'all do now?
Speaker 3 (12:46):
Y'all go to the lake.
Yeah, we go to the lake.
Oh right, yeah, we got a beachin Wilmington, so we'll drive up
that way and we'll hang out upthere.
Speaker 5 (12:57):
It's like a three-hour drive.
Speaker 1 (12:59):
So y'all not too far from Wilmington.
I mean because I went to I wasstationed in Camp Lejeune, which
is not that far from Wilmington.
I mean because I went to I wasstationed in Camp Lejeune, which
is not that far, yeah, so okay,yeah, all right.
Speaker 3 (13:08):
Yeah, yeah, we're not too far from there, yeah, cool
it was, it was for us.
Speaker 5 (13:13):
We just went ahead and drove.
We knew we needed a weekend,like, okay, you know what, let's
go ahead and take this, let'slet's take it back to what, how
we did in Florida.
Speaker 2 (13:20):
So that's what we did wow, that is awesome and I like
the fact that you acknowledgethat each other's feelings was
hurt and you was able to expresslike my feelings was hurt and
this is how even though you mayhave didn't intend to hurt my
feelings, but this is how Iperceived it.
So when you acknowledge it, itmakes a real a difference my
(13:44):
baby be speaking knowledge andshe be dropping them gems.
Speaker 1 (13:47):
I have to give her a clap every time she drops a gem.
Speaker 2 (13:55):
So like, okay, so let's go to the parenting part
of it.
With seven kids, how did youguys manage to how would I say,
stay connected as a couple,because we had a house full too,
so it was a little rough, butwe made it work.
Yes, give me an example of howyou guys stay connected with
(14:16):
parenting working full time.
Speaker 3 (14:22):
We had a strategy that always worked for us.
It's never me and her againsteach other when it comes to kids
.
We always work together andit's pretty much we did it as a
team.
In parenting you get the oneparent that feels a certain way
(14:48):
about another thing, or how theywant to discipline, or how they
want to correct or how theywant to, but it was always more
so of well, how do you want tohandle the situation, or things
of that nature.
And most times I'll ask her,she'll ask me and we'll come as
a team and we work together tocorrect, discipline, dress feed,
(15:09):
Whatever we had to do.
It was more so a team and italways kept each other first,
Because sometimes in parentingyou want to be like, oh, my baby
, my baby, my child, you canleave, and it's never that,
because we know the assignmentthat we have to do this together
.
And most times when you divideand it creates division, because
(15:30):
one thing about childrenthey're going to stick together.
They're going to stick togetherand it's the parents that always
create the division in any typeof circumstances, because the
kids, that's all they got.
They like hey, they sleeptogether, they eat together and
they don't know division unlessit's introduced.
So if the parents can basicallymake sure that they stay
(15:53):
together, then the kids aredefinitely going to fall in line
.
So with faith, withChristianity, with anything, you
never want to do any of thosethings in front of children and
always remain one, always remainconnected and together when
making decisions while raisingchildren.
Speaker 5 (16:11):
And I think the biggest thing, especially for us
women, I know, for me we haveour motherly instincts right, so
we're a little more softer withour kids and we're more in
touch because we carry themright.
So, and I allowed him to be thedisciplinary, I allowed him, I
allowed to.
Okay, if we're Christians andwe follow in the Bible, he was
the leader, so I allowed him tolead if it was something that I
(16:34):
might have thought or felt.
It was a.
I was like, oh, he'll start.
Like, oh, I was feelingsomething with my kids because,
you know, because us women, wedo have a little connection with
our children, whether it bedaughters or sons I just waited
and I allowed him.
I would allow him to do thediscipline, I would allow him to
do the sternness.
I would always allow him tolead.
That was the biggest thing.
(16:54):
You have to allow children tosee that, like okay, what did
your dad say?
Or because kids will try tocome in in between that.
And if they see the slightest,if they see a slightest divvy,
like he said, if they see twoparents, like they see my face
reaction and they see justthat's, all they need is a
little bit, then they try toplay on that.
So I was always making surethat I allowed him and then I
(17:18):
backed him up and we, we,whatever the decision was always
unison, so and that's a bigthing for us.
So everything we did, it waslike everything always started
with so and that's a big thingfor us.
So everything we did, it waslike everything always started
with him, then me, and then wego from there.
So that's usually how we did itand we allow.
That's how it's always been andit worked out.
They couldn't play us againsteach other.
Because kids can.
They will try that.
(17:38):
You know what I mean.
They will try to play theparents against each other
because they will use theempathy.
They will use all of that,especially with the mom or
whoever, whichever parents thesoftest, if they see it, kids
are very smart.
They're very, they're very,they're like, they watch
everything.
They're sponges.
So, I just made sure like, okay,I didn't allow them to play on
(17:58):
my heartstring because they will, and they're like mom dad is so
on, and I'd be like, well, baby, you gotta understand you gotta
see it and I had to stay withit they'll come and ask me,
because they'll know he's morestern or he's a disciplinary.
They'll ask me before they askhim and I always make sure, hey,
did you ask your dad?
Or wait till we're together,and then I'll answer yeah.
(18:19):
So I always allow him to leadand be the leadership as the
parenting.
So we follow that, follow that.
Speaker 1 (18:24):
Wait, did our girls do that?
Did they come to you?
No, because did they come toyou when I was being an example?
We would tell people all thetime I was in the military and I
came home.
I was in Quantico and man, Icame home they weren't cleaning
a room and I just came in.
I just destroyed their roomlike I was in the military it
was girls and destroyed theirroom like I was, like they was
(18:46):
in the military and they wasgirls and I just just I mean I
just destroyed it.
I put everything in the middleof the twins.
I put every.
I mean I just dumped everythingin the middle.
But, like you said, pastor cameto me and said first of all she
said, hey, you're gonna bedoing my girls like that.
Speaker 2 (19:00):
But then she said mind, the room was clean, Y'all.
They forgot to make the beds.
They were about to miss the busand the comforter was not made
up and he just went through theroom like a hurt, like a
hurricane, and I was like theseain't no, marines, don't come up
in here.
Doing this to these kids theythe bed.
You see what first said.
Speaker 1 (19:21):
Fer said we were wrong.
That's right, Fer the bedwasn't made.
Speaker 2 (19:24):
That was it, Don't do that to them.
So yeah, but I did have to goback to the kids and say, listen
, I understand me and Daddy'sgoing to talk about it and it'll
be a different approach thenext time.
And so that's kind of how thatwent out.
But they would say, hey, Mom,dad said I can go to the dance
(19:44):
if you said I could go.
Yeah, yeah, no, you're notgoing to the dance.
Speaker 4 (19:50):
Let me talk to your dad.
Speaker 2 (19:51):
Oh, you don't have to talk to him.
Oh, thank you.
That's how dad said it, me too.
Speaker 4 (19:58):
You don't have to, he said it.
Speaker 2 (19:59):
He said it, well, let me just confirm it with him.
Yeah, let me just confirm itwith him.
So, yeah, you're right, but Ithink in the process of that, we
still try to stay connectedwith us.
In the process of raising thesekids, we still try to do things
for us to make sure that wehave.
If we don't, we won't standstrong and, like Stokes said,
(20:19):
it's going to be a division.
So they got to see, got cometogether as a collaborative as
well as us still having us.
So yeah, so I get that.
Speaker 1 (20:31):
I get that and before we move on, I mean izzy says
that they take it to the wateras well, as, as, like you said
earlier, that about going to thewater.
Well, it's funny how, in thechurch, we say when we get ready
for baptism, what we say takeit to the water, take it to the
water.
Speaker 3 (20:48):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (20:50):
But you know, it's something about the water, I'm
telling you I don't know, it'sjust really been in my spirit
lately that I want to go to thebeach and I don't like the beach
y'all.
I don't like the sand, I don'tlike.
I'm like what?
I like, nothing about the beach.
But my spirit has been sayingyou know, I feel like I need to
go to the beach.
I don't like wildlife and I'mso afraid an alligator going to
come out of that thing and tryand get me Because they be on
(21:12):
the beach.
They been on the beach y'all.
So I'm like, why do I feel theneed to go there?
But I remember in the pastgoing out there with my Bible
and just sitting on a blanketand reading my Bible.
Speaker 3 (21:21):
Oh, that's a beautiful thing right there.
Speaker 2 (21:23):
So much peace and I felt so calm and I was like I
need a revival there, I need torejuvenate.
So yeah, so I get it.
It's so much happens out there,especially when you're alone
and you ain't really you justcommuning with God first thing
in the morning.
Oh, my God, it's amazing,that's definitely an idea.
(21:45):
I'm taking you with me.
I'll be on your side of thebeach and I'll be on my side of
the beach.
Speaker 1 (21:52):
That's a lot of beach there.
Great thing we got to have thatmuch in between us.
Speaker 2 (21:57):
Then we'll come together.
Speaker 1 (21:59):
Do I need to go on Fort Myers Beach and you stay on
Fort Lauderdale Beach?
Not that far, okay.
Speaker 2 (22:03):
The two or three are gathering.
We can't be gathering if you'reall over there, bro.
Speaker 1 (22:08):
Hey, we got Malika, Malika, our daughter-in-law.
She says we know we often makeit to the water when adversity
strikes.
Yeah, so I guess that is acalming thing.
When there's a lot of adversity, you, when you go to, it's like
the water just calms you Justthe creation of it, when you
just look at it.
Speaker 2 (22:26):
As far as I can see, even when we was on the cruise
ship and I was sitting in thebalcony, I was like God, you are
simply amazing, Simply amazing.
All of this water out here andthis thing is staying afloat.
Thank you, Jesus.
Speaker 4 (22:41):
I think about the.
Speaker 2 (22:42):
Titanic when I'm out there, but it's just amazing, as
his creation and Eric and I wassitting on the balcony on one
of the cruises and I saw a birdand I said, well, Eric, where do
you think he's going to land?
Speaker 4 (22:52):
at.
Speaker 2 (22:53):
Ain't nothing out here but water, not thinking, oh
, he can go land on top of theship and it was so many other
ships out there, but just to seethat was amazing.
Just to see that was amazing.
Dolphins all the way out thereit was an amazing shot.
Speaker 1 (23:05):
Yeah, y'all took a trip to Niagara Falls too.
I remember seeing y'all begoing everywhere, oh man.
Speaker 3 (23:12):
How was?
Speaker 1 (23:12):
that.
Speaker 3 (23:13):
Oh man, it was beautiful.
It was so beautiful we listen,we might try to be moving there.
Speaker 1 (23:20):
Ooh, wow, wow, wow, wow.
That, ooh, wow, wow.
Speaker 3 (23:23):
Wow, wow, yeah, I love Canada, man.
Canada is such a how you say it, patsy rejuvenating type thing
and this is the.
It's the city itself.
It's clean, it's it's proper,it's it's so, it's peaceful and,
in so many words, innocent.
It's innocent and it's not alot.
It's not a lot of crime.
(23:44):
Health care there is free, youknow, so anybody could go to the
hospital and get served anddon't have to be waiting on a
bill and all that stuff.
So it's carefree andeverybody's nice and welcoming.
And I mean there's so much goodthings out there that we went.
We've been there four timesalready out there that we went.
(24:07):
We've been there four timesalready.
So it's definitely a go-to spotfor for me and her, because
it's that waterfall is.
The waterfall is so beautiful.
You can actually go out thereand just walk out there and and
it's, it's really a nice, nicething, a nice time yeah, yeah, I
gotta take Patsy out there likea trip to me I know, my
daughter went to canada, shewent to, natalie went to canada.
Speaker 1 (24:28):
I wonder how many people who online with us ever
been to canada.
Just put it in the chat ifwe've been to canada.
Yeah, but I heard canada is.
Canada is nice.
Yeah, so beautiful man so let'sget into the challenges,
because, again, because all ofus have challenges, and so I
want to ask you what has beenthe biggest challenge in your
(24:49):
marriage and how did youovercome it?
What was the biggest challengein your marriage and how did you
overcome it?
Speaker 3 (24:58):
we had a lot of challenges.
Speaker 1 (25:00):
Just talk about one of the couple, a couple of them,
I would, I guess I proceededwith this.
We know that God was in themiddle, we know that.
So you already talked about thefaith, so we know that.
But how did you handle itindividually, just naturally?
How did you handle it with someof the challenges?
Speaker 5 (25:16):
I think the biggest challenge I would say for me and
I feel like for us, is goingthrough life changes.
I've been going through likechange.
As you get older you do changeyour, the way things changes,
your thought process.
A lot of things change whenyou're going through like actual
changes, especially for a woman.
We, our body, we're goingthrough so much and it's so much
(25:37):
hormones that we have and somany things that we have to
battle internally ourselves andour own traumas and things like
that.
I think that was the biggest,hardest part for us because when
you start to change, yourperspective starts to change,
how you see things starts tochange and sometimes you start
to question things and youquestion a lot of things in your
(25:59):
life and decisions that youmake.
So that was like the biggest andthe hardest, the most trying
time, especially when you, ifyou're going through change and
then you involve sickness intothat, you end up getting sick or
you're not able to do thingslike you used to do and you
don't want to be dependent.
So that was the most trying andhard time and I think those are
(26:21):
the times where he I didn'tknow at the time, but he told me
when we went to the war.
He said he prayed through thosetimes.
He seen me changing and he seenthat I was going through
something especially mentally.
So that was the most difficultthat we had to go through.
We had to talk through it, wehad to allow each other, give
each other space to process somethings.
(26:41):
So that was like the biggest, Iwould say, for me.
Speaker 3 (26:44):
Yeah, changes was definitely.
It's inevitable, even whengoing through marriage is
inevitable.
But how you handle it willdefine how you go through it and
how you succeed and processeverything.
Because when you first getmarried, you don't think about
getting older or you don't thinkabout sickness.
(27:05):
Most times you don't thinkabout mental.
You don't think about a lot ofpeople are so focused on
physical that they forget aboutmental.
They don't want their spouse orpartner to get unattractive,
but that is the least word.
But when you have to identifyyour mate or your spouse's
mental challenges and differentthings of that nature, that
(27:27):
affects them.
And when it affects them, itaffects you and you have to be
able to be the one that say youknow what, hey, we're going to
get through this because at somepoint they're going to feel
unwanted, they're going to feelundesirable, they're going to
feel like they're less thanthey're going to get through
this because at some pointthey're going to feel unwanted,
they're going to feelundesirable, they're going to
feel like they're less thanthey're going to feel because
they've been trying to hold somuch together to make sure
(27:48):
you're still happy with them andit's your job to make sure to
let them know like yo, we got.
We going through this together.
Regardless of how you arementally dysfunctional or
however the case may be, we'regoing to get you back.
We're going to get you healthy.
We're going to get you backwhere you need to be, where we
can be happy.
And a lot of times we just don'tfocus on those things.
(28:11):
When we first get married orwhen we're going through,
because we're all getting older,we don't do the things we used
to do.
So it's like, okay, hey, now wehave to focus on our health, we
have to focus on our well-being, to make sure we're healthy for
each other and go through that.
But yeah, it has been achallenge, because certain
things I didn't know about.
(28:32):
I was raised with women, but Inever had to endure those things
with my mom and my grandmotherand things of that nature.
So, and to to endure it withher is really teaching me
patience.
It's teaching me.
It's teaching me to be moreprayerful.
It's teaching me how to keepshowing up, because sometimes,
(28:54):
even if you ain't got the wordsto say, if you ain't got things
to do, just keep showing up,just keep being available and
making sure your spouse knowthat, hey, we're going through
this together.
You're not alone in it.
We're going through thistogether.
If you sick, I'm sick, so we'regoing to make sure we got this.
Speaker 5 (29:13):
Yeah, it was a challenge, because you think
about when we got married we gotchildren.
Yeah, we got married withchildren, always with the kids
and then, once you start gettingthe kids out before I think for
women, for me, I can say for me, I felt like I lost myself.
I lost myself in the children.
I lost myself as a wife indevoting everything for
everybody my job, my kids, myhusband.
(29:34):
But, then, not realizing that Ikind of lost myself in all of
that and realizing, oh whatabout me?
And it just was a lot.
So yeah, especially for a woman.
Speaker 1 (29:47):
Wow, wow.
So from here, communication.
That was a big thing.
So do you think that a lot oftimes we, as couples, we put our
kid and our spouse before ourown well-being?
Do we do that?
Speaker 5 (30:05):
You can do that without even realizing it yeah.
Speaker 3 (30:10):
Because of how you're wired and built, because
they're your kids, they're yourbabies, they came from you, so
it's automatically you're goingto put your whole being inside
for the kids and then, once theyleave, it's like, ok, I don't,
I don't, I don't, lost myself.
Now, what am I supposed to do?
Who am I?
(30:30):
Who am I outside of dad?
Who am I outside of husband?
Who am I outside of that, whenyou devoted so much time, so
much of your energy into takingcare of someone else instead of
taking care of yourself?
And that's how, a lot of times,you get sick, you forget about
your health because you weren'tabout the children, you weren't
(30:53):
about everybody else, becausenow you neglected yourself.
So once they're gone now it'slike what about you now?
Now it's time to fix you.
So you have to be mindful, evenin a marriage, to make sure you
take care of yourself and makesure you stay connected with
your partner, even in takingcare of your children, because
at the end of the day, thechildren going to leave yes, sir
(31:15):
, they leave, they are leaving,leaving.
When they get married, they geta boyfriend, girlfriend.
Believe you me, mama and daddyis nowhere in sight yeah, we
secondary we often tell.
Speaker 1 (31:31):
We often tell couples when we counsel and everything
that's we we preach.
That's why we preach date nightoften, where it's just you and
her and lead the kids.
You got to find a babysitter.
You got to do it.
You may have to sacrifice alittle money to pay a babysitter
, or grandma or auntie is nearyou.
Do that.
But it's very important to taketime away for it's just you and
(31:56):
your spouse Because, like yousaid, eventually them children
gone, you and your spouse.
Because, like you said,eventually them children going
and when they get a boyfriend at13 or 14 and especially now,
you still secondary, wait, wait,you ain't having that.
But I'm just saying it happens.
And so you have to make sureyou have the connection with
your spouse, because I think wetalked about it one time before,
(32:19):
barry, where it says you don'twant to be while your children
is gone and you're looking atyour spouse and say, like you
said earlier, what now?
Or how do you and I need toknow something about you.
No, I need to.
By that time it's hey, we happy, let's do it.
Unfortunately, all, both of usgot dogs, but still, it's it's.
It's all about me putting Godfirst myself, because I believe
(32:42):
this If I'm not ready, I can'ttake care of my spouse, I can't
take care of my children.
So I got to have a time, and soI love the point that Patsy
allow me to have some me time towhere I'm and have friends,
where I could go out and I canenjoy myself.
And I try to allow her the samething, which, hey, just go and
(33:04):
have some me time, do whateveryou need to do to make sure so
we can come together Because,like you said, they're going to
leave.
Speaker 3 (33:11):
You know what I told her, told my wife I say I, now
that the kids are gone, I needto know you without the children
.
I got to know you without thechildren Because most times
we're married for so long and Ionly know her as a mom or a wife
.
But I want to know Johnnywithout responsibility or
(33:36):
children, because that's a wholedifferent identity, that's a
whole different person.
So I want her to know meoutside of children.
We need to know each other whenthere's no responsibility,
because we've been tied down foryears with children and just
(33:56):
responsibility, life Right rightNow.
That we've accomplished and it'sa goal, it's accomplishment.
We good, we're without the kids, but I have to know my wife,
without the responsibility ofgetting up in the morning, going
to work, taking care of thekids, got to make sure this,
Because that's mainly I mean.
Think about it.
That's all our communicationbeen for so many years.
Speaker 1 (34:19):
Routine, you got the kids.
Speaker 3 (34:21):
Right, what you going to eat.
The kids got to eat.
We got to get a babysitter, wegot to do their homework.
So that has been our languagefor years, to the point where
it's like, now that they're gone, what is our language now?
What is our commitment now?
We've devoted ourself and ourmarriage and our fatherhood,
(34:42):
motherhood all that to thechildren to make sure they were
good.
But what is our commitment nowthat they're gone?
Speaker 1 (34:50):
Wow, wow.
You know when you're talkingabout mental structure.
I said, yes, she says mentalstruggles go unnoticed for sure.
And she said y'all speaking,y'all dropping it unnoticed for
sure.
Speaker 2 (35:03):
And she said y'all speaking, y'all dropping it now.
And I also wanted to say I'm,I'm.
I'm one for this kind ofreliving the vows in my head but
where it?
says in sickness and in health alot of time we always think
that that that health isphysical, but that health is so
mental, it could be yourupbringing, it could be bad
relationships, it could.
So mental, it could be yourupbringing, it could be bad
relationships, it could bebaggage, it could be so much.
And then you're trying to.
(35:25):
You don't know why this personis feeling that way, because
they don't want to share thatmost intimate part with you,
especially when it comes down to, especially when it comes down
to our health.
I don't think I want to letEric know about this right now.
I want to make sure, I want tomake sure I want to make sure I
I'm got all the t's crossed andthe i's dotted before I lay this
(35:46):
on him, so I can, I'll carrythat and and indirectly, I'll,
I'll be treating him some kindof way without even realizing
what's going on.
So we talk about in sicknessand health.
I think we should add mentalhealth to that vow, mental
health right?
Yeah, I think we should addmental health to it, because
(36:06):
mental health, let me tell you,is some serious business.
Speaker 1 (36:09):
Yes, it is, it is, yeah, it is.
Speaker 2 (36:10):
And by the grace of God, because we love the Lord,
we know we can go to the rock.
But if you need to talk tosomebody, go talk to somebody.
To talk to somebody, go talk tosomebody.
Yes, sir, go, yeah, go talk tosomebody, because sometimes it
helps to hear how you feelingoutside of your body, like you,
like you want to hear, you hearyourself saying it and then and
most therapists you solve yourown problems anyway.
(36:33):
So you talk, you talking tothem, but you actually talking
yourself through it.
So that's okay.
But yeah, that's what I'm like.
I I speak with a lot of youngmarried women and they'd be like
you don't understand what I'mgoing through.
Would you have you told him hecan't?
he can't understand if he don'tknow, if he don't know, so yeah,
a lot of times.
(36:53):
So that was something thatstood out with me with that
challenge, so I appreciate youfor sharing that.
Speaker 1 (36:59):
I really do.
I'm telling you yeah, give youa shout out on that.
Yeah, give you a shout out,give you a shout out, man.
And so so as we getting readyto wind down, because Patsy is
on a time limit, oh you knowwhat we got to.
Speaker 2 (37:16):
We have to go to the All right.
Speaker 1 (37:19):
So so we get.
We have to go to them, allright.
So we're getting down to thenitty gritty here because we're
all about trying to help othercouples, not that we know
everything, and that's why we'vebeen doing this interview
series on our season three.
We've been doing a lot ofinterviews because we want to
let people know that we don'tknow everything.
But we have other people thatwe know that can just share some
(37:40):
nuggets, share some nuggets,and so I thank God again.
I thank God for for you all,and that's just so open to just
share.
So I want to ask you, whatadvice would you give to couples
who feel overwhelmed in theirmarriage or family life?
What advice would you give them?
Speaker 5 (37:58):
You want to start, you want me to start.
You can start Um what you givethem.
You want to start, you want meto start.
You can start um, when you feeloverwhelmed.
I say the thing that helped methe most was because I felt
overwhelmed a lot.
So I would say write it down.
I've written, I've writtenthings down like I've.
As soon as the emotion come upor when I start to feel
(38:18):
overwhelmed, I will go somewhereand I just start either typing
or writing.
So I use the notes on my phoneand I just started typing.
Today is such and such and Iwoke up like this or this is
what happened.
I just express it and then Iwould go back later and read it
when I'm no longer feeling thatway and then when I go back and
read it, I try to process thatfeeling and then I try to go to
(38:41):
him and talk to him about it.
It's easier said than done.
Of course, I think I did morewriting before talking, which
probably I should, probablyshould have talked some things
through but I was the type ofperson I always thought that he
should just automatically know,like I was the type of person
like if you're in tune to me orif you're into me, I shouldn't
have to tell you that was me andI had to work on that.
(39:05):
But yeah, that's what I used todo, just to write it down.
I played music.
I would go to a spa and justsit there, get something done
and just start thinking aboutthings and wonder why am I
overwhelmed or what's going on?
And those are the things.
Things just write, talk tomyself, just meditate on some
things.
Speaker 3 (39:23):
I think the first thing I think the first thing in
a marriage you can do whenyou're feeling overwhelmed is to
actually tell your spouse don't, don't.
And when I say, tell yourspouse, get them by themselves.
Or say, hey, can I speak withyou for a minute?
And I just want to sharesomething that I'm feeling and
(39:47):
just kind of set the tone andsay you know what I'm feeling a
little overwhelmed and explainwhat you're feeling overwhelmed
about, because most times it'smiscommunication, because when
you go off of action or emotion,that leaves your partner in the
dark and it leaves them in thedark to try to figure it out and
(40:10):
guess what that stresses themout, because now they're trying
to figure it out and trying tomake sure you're okay and trying
to fix something they don'teven know that they're trying to
fix.
So the biggest thing iscommunicating what is
overwhelming you, so that youdon't have to be overwhelmed by
(40:30):
yourself or go through whatyou're going through by yourself
.
That's what helpmates are for,that's what people that's in
your life is for.
Get them by themselves Like,hey, I need to speak with you
for a moment Instead ofgossiping, instead of doing all
this other stuff.
Get them by yourself and say,hey, I'm feeling a little
overwhelmed, I might need totake a moment, I might need to
do a little drive, or I mightneed to go to Barnes and Noble
(40:53):
and just sit there and peoplewatch I don't know.
Do something that you will calmyou.
I mean people watching calms me, because people watching is one
of those things that it takesmy mind off of everything and
I'd be sitting there like whatin the world is going on with
these people.
Speaker 2 (41:10):
See, you know what?
His birthday is September,because I do it too.
I'd be like, wow, and it does.
Speaker 1 (41:20):
It's kind of relaxing and like she brings me and she
brings me into that stuff to betalking about I'd be like baby,
but listen.
Speaker 3 (41:28):
The best time to watch people is to sit outside
of a haunted house.
That is the funniest thing butthose are things.
those are things that you coulddo to feel overwhelmed.
When you're overwhelmed in yourmarriage, when you're
overwhelmed, the first thing youneed to do is communicate with
your partner, with your spouse,and just let them know, like hey
(41:50):
, I'm just feeling a littleoverwhelmed and I'm not up to it
today, or whatever the case maybe.
And, of course, if that spouseis really in tune with you,
they're going to say, hey, whatdo you need me to do?
May be, and, of course, if thatspouse is really in tune with
you, they're going to say, hey,what do you need me to do?
Where can I assist to make sureyou get?
Speaker 5 (42:09):
unstuck or get unobstructed and things of that
nature.
And that was my issuecommunication.
I didn't know how tocommunicate.
Speaker 1 (42:14):
Wow, that's surprising, because you hear a
lot that women communicate muchbetter than men, when they just
you know, hey, you got to talk,you got to talk.
So that's very interesting toknow that you just say I didn't
know how to communicate, sothat's cool.
Speaker 5 (42:30):
How am I feeling?
Speaker 1 (42:31):
Yeah, yeah, and we got to be able to communicate
about our feelings and, like yousaid, stephen, that we got to
be able to tell our.
If we can't tell anybody, wegot to be able to tell our
spouse.
Speaker 3 (42:42):
Got to.
You got to and you should feelcomfortable and not scared to
tell them because, like whatPastor was saying, to make sure
this is good or that is good,your spouse is not even worried
about that most of the time.
They just want you to behealthy.
They just want and a lot ofwomen and I noticed with her a
lot of women want to be perfect.
They want to be that don't havemistakes or that don't do
(43:11):
anything crazy.
Most of the time men are noteven worried about none of that.
All men want to do is how canthey fix your problem?
Speaker 2 (43:19):
That's it.
That's the problem.
That's the problem.
That's the problem.
We don't want it fixed.
Sometimes we just want y'all tolisten.
Speaker 1 (43:27):
And I think that's where.
That's where we good now.
But that's where communicationcomes in.
And sometimes I'm still likethat, because I'm a problem
fixer.
I literally say, well, babe, do, cause I'm a problem fixer.
I love to say, well, they dothis and they do that.
And so it is taking me, andeven sometimes I still don't get
(43:47):
it.
I have to ask her she's cominghome with a problem.
I have to say, all right, doshe want me to fix it or not, or
did you want me to listen?
And so sometimes I have to, ifI don't know, have to ask pass
it, do you want me to fix it ordo you want me to listen?
And she said I just want you tolisten.
And I said, okay, let me justlet me listen.
And then if she says, yes, Iwant you to do something, even
(44:09):
after I listen, she might saycan you do this?
And I said, okay, but it tookme a while because I'm a problem
fixer, right, and I, and Idon't, and I don't want my baby
to worry about nothing.
No, I really don't want her toworry about finances.
I really don't want my baby toworry about nothing.
I really don't want her toworry about finances.
I really don't want that and,honest, straightforward, I've
gotten myself in trouble,especially when it comes down to
(44:31):
finances, because I didn't wanther to worry about it, and so I
took on a lot where I neededher help, where I could have
just came to her and said babe,this is what's going on in our
finances and we need to do this,but I wanted to try to fix it
myself and then when she findsout about it, it just got crazy
and I messed it up.
Speaker 2 (44:51):
So yeah, I'm just honest, I'm honest, I'm just
honest.
It means in every aspect.
Help me.
Speaker 1 (44:58):
I'm here to help.
Speaker 2 (44:59):
When I want you to fix it, I'll say, babe, can you
handle this?
Because sometimes and anotherthing too, when we talk about
being overwhelmed.
You know I'm going to be 58this year.
Speaker 1 (45:10):
All right, 58.
Look at my baby, look good,look good, beautiful.
Yes sir, yes sir, yes sir,thank you, yes sir.
Speaker 2 (45:19):
You as well.
I'm looking at you lookingfabulous.
I'm like, okay, all right, sis,but sometimes the whole changes
things going on.
Sometimes I get overwhelmed.
I really don't know why I'moverwhelmed.
I'm just having a moment.
Just give me a hold up, let mepull it together, let me.
(45:43):
I'm just, I'm gonna take amental health day and I'm gonna
stay in bed all day and watchLifetime and whatever.
I just need a moment, andsometimes I just need a good cry
, but I don't.
I don't always know what theproblem is, so I so, as Stokes
said, just listen.
That's all I need at that time,because I'm still trying to
figure out why I'm overwhelmed.
(46:03):
I don't know.
Speaker 1 (46:05):
But I always take it to the rock, check this out.
We want y'all to listen andconnect with us.
No fixing needed, just chatwith your girl.
Then she followed up and saysnow, if we mistakenly call you
girl, just roll with it.
Y'all are our best friends somany times.
(46:25):
I done been called girl childSteve.
You been calling that too,steve.
I'm like I just roll with it, Ijust say it is, I don't say
nothing.
I say nothing.
Speaker 3 (46:43):
I'm like, yeah, you right.
Speaker 2 (46:45):
I'm like girl you got to be kidding me.
I know I'll be like and girl,you know.
Speaker 4 (46:50):
She's like yeah, yeah , yeah, I know.
Speaker 2 (46:51):
I know, I know.
Speaker 3 (47:06):
I'm like I didn't mean to go, but it's true.
That's so true.
It's made them, yeah, but Ilove it.
They get it out.
As long as they get it out,it's all that matters, just get
it out, I mean, and it creates asafe space.
Speaker 1 (47:11):
That means yes, it makes me know, I'm sorry, but it
makes me know that, becausewhen she's rolling with the
girls and they talking, it makesme kind of feel good that she
treats me as one of her girls,her friends.
I'm just saying that that youtrust me enough that you say
girl, child, but it's just like,ok, we're best friends and
(47:34):
that's cool.
Don't do it all the time, don'tdo it out in the public baby.
Speaker 2 (47:39):
But you know that song that Prince sang.
If I Was your Girlfriend, ohJesus.
Now I know the meaning of it.
Now I see where he was goingwith that, because we that close
.
If I was your girlfriend, wecool like that and I appreciate
you going with me to get my toesdone and stuff, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (48:01):
I'll do that little with Nandi.
Yeah, I like that.
Speaker 2 (48:06):
Yeah, that's right, tata.
I say just roll with it Justroll with it.
Speaker 1 (48:11):
Hey, I tell any husband, if you haven't been
called girl or child, you ain'tthere yet.
You ain't there yet.
Speaker 2 (48:22):
You almost caught that juice.
Wow, that is so true, that's sotrue.
Let's see what they saying inthe comments.
Speaker 5 (48:36):
They just going back and forth, say exactly the past.
Speaker 1 (48:39):
See, you got me.
That's what it is to say,that's it, that's it, that's it.
Speaker 2 (48:43):
So sometimes we don't know, and it's so important for
you guys, sometimes we justneed somebody to just say it,
yeah.
Speaker 1 (48:49):
It's to say y'all are the top friend.
We don't share with everybody.
You know it says the way weshare with y'all.
Speaker 2 (48:57):
That's true.
Yeah, we'll share some stuffwith you, share with y'all.
Speaker 1 (49:01):
That's good, yeah, y'all do, y'all do.
Well, we got five minutes, baby, you better come on now.
Speaker 2 (49:06):
Okay, let me see here what do we have.
Oh, if you could go back toyour early years, when you first
got married what would you tellyour younger selves?
Speaker 5 (49:18):
Oh my God that's what I had said.
I told him we should renew ourvows at 25 years.
And I your younger selves oh, Igot it what I had said.
I told him we should renew ourvows at 25 years.
And I said at a reception weshould do a video of a picture
of us when we first got marriedand a message to ourselves Wow.
So when you said it, I'm like,wow, See, what would I tell?
Go for it.
Speaker 3 (49:42):
What would I tell myself?
Or what would I tell her?
Speaker 2 (49:45):
What would you tell yourself?
Speaker 5 (49:47):
Yourself this thing to when you first got married.
Speaker 3 (49:50):
Woo, oh man.
What would I tell myself?
Ooh man, Slow down.
Speaker 1 (49:57):
Oh, okay.
Speaker 3 (49:58):
I would tell myself slow down, take it slow and yeah
, take it real slow and makesure you allow God to order
every step and every decision.
And my biggest thing was I wasmoving precisely because being
(50:22):
raised in the church, beingbrought up in the church and
living with your girlfriend andall that, and being a musician
and a minister and all thosedifferent things, I would have
told myself to slow down to myyounger self, Okay, all right.
Speaker 1 (50:33):
All right, john.
What about you?
Speaker 5 (50:35):
I would have just told myself let it go and it's
okay.
Yeah, I held on to a lot ofthings and I come in and come in
and, unknowing, so I would havesaid, just let it go and it's
okay.
Wow.
Speaker 1 (50:48):
That's good.
Speaker 2 (50:49):
Great advice?
Yeah, because sometimes wethink we running out of time.
Speaker 1 (50:56):
Yeah, we move quick and that's why I try and
encourage people.
Speaker 2 (50:59):
I'm like like you know what slow down.
I even tell my girls I'd belike you know what slow down
you're gonna be okay I have.
One of the one of the twins issaying like she feel pressured
when people ask her at churchyou ain't married yet you ain't
got no kids.
Kids.
She say mom, it does somethingto me.
(51:20):
Why do they feel like I have tohave these things?
I say you don't.
Speaker 3 (51:24):
In your time.
Speaker 2 (51:25):
In your time, baby girl, don't let nobody rest you
into doing anything.
Slow down, yeah we totally.
Speaker 1 (51:32):
I think we was talking to a couple and we just
told them, because it was likeoh, we got to have a house
couple and we just told thembecause it was like oh we got to
have a house.
We got to do the furniture, wegot to do this, we got to do
that.
Speaker 4 (51:42):
Just slow down just take your time.
Speaker 1 (51:44):
Yes, if you're gonna, if you're gonna get a house,
yeah, get a house and take yourtime and furnishing each part of
the room, just becausesometimes when you rush you
don't get to know that personthat you're there because you're
rushing trying to pulleverything together so fast yeah
, and I think we.
Speaker 2 (51:59):
I think too another thing too growing up in the
church I I don't know about you,but growing up in the church
they always made it seem you gotto get married, you got to get
a house, you gotta have babies.
Speaker 4 (52:08):
You gotta do this.
Speaker 2 (52:09):
It's a process you gotta do this, this in an oven,
so when you jump out there you'dbe like, okay, you got you.
You hit the ground running andthen you'd be thinking like, why
did I marry this guy?
Why did I do this?
Because they put so muchpressure on us being raised up
in church.
So the church really needs tofind a balance when it comes
(52:29):
down to young adults and pushingthem out their life.
Speaker 1 (52:32):
I'm going to make this statement.
Yeah, I got to make thisstatement.
I got to make this statement.
The church has caused moredivorces than a lot.
You better say that.
Speaker 2 (52:42):
Yeah, bro, yeah, yeah , yeah, yeah yeah.
Speaker 1 (52:48):
I agree with that they have.
They've caused more Because,like you said, they put pressure
on you.
They put pressure and they sayyou got to do this, you got to
do five years.
You got to do this 10 years,you got to do that.
Oh, you got to be in ministry.
Oh, you got to be in ministry.
And, and from experience,ministry will cause you to be at
the doorsteps of divorce if youdon't watch it.
(53:08):
I'm just being real.
Speaker 3 (53:16):
I'm just being real no, you're telling the truth,
man, you own it though they puta lot of pressure.
Speaker 1 (53:22):
They put a lot of pressure on us.
So you just have to back downand just look and we as, like
you said, you've been married along time.
We have to look at our kids andtell them say, there's no
pressure, you do, you learn howto take care of yourself, and
it's no pressure.
I'm not pressuring you, but Iwill like a grandkid every now
and then, but I ain't pressuringyou, but I'm just joking.
(53:45):
I'm just joking, but you knowI'm not pressuring you.
And if you do get married,whatever church you go to, don't
let them pressure you to be nodeacon and don't let them
pressure you to be no minister.
Don't let them pressure you tobe all that stuff.
You take your time, love Godand love your family, love your
wife, love your kids and that'sit.
Yeah, and I think a lot oftimes.
Speaker 3 (54:07):
I think a lot of times, even in the church, they
push these agendas and they pushthese things on you without
even the people knowingthemselves.
The people don't even knowthemselves and they tell people
you got this person is a goodfit for you.
(54:27):
Well, how do you know?
I don't even know myself, letalone trying to get to know
somebody else.
And the crazy thing, even inthe church.
I barely know God.
Speaker 1 (54:38):
Oh yes.
Speaker 3 (54:46):
I'm going to get married and I'm barely figuring
out how to handle myself, how toknow myself and build a
relationship with God, and tryto invite somebody else into
that dysfunction.
Speaker 1 (54:53):
Yes.
Speaker 3 (54:54):
That's the craziness that is all compiled in
marriages these days.
Because now you're pushing, I'mpushing my dysfunctionality on
somebody else rather thangetting to know myself ground
myself, groom myself get a goodrelationship with God, you
understand, and that way I canmeet a person that they can be
(55:16):
grounded, groomed or whatever.
We can date and get togetherand go from there, but not be
pressured into anything dealingwith church, society, family,
nothing but getting to knowourselves, to get to know each
other.
Speaker 1 (55:31):
And that's what's missing?
That's what's missing.
Speaker 2 (55:34):
That deserves a clap right there bro.
Speaker 1 (55:38):
That's why we hey, I tell people quick you better
watch out for these prophetsthat be prophesying and saying
that's your husband or you gonnabe married in five years, or
that's your husband right there.
No, no, no, no, sorry, hey, wegoing to the chat.
Go on to the chat.
Oh Lord, have mercy.
Speaker 2 (55:55):
Oh Lord, the chat.
Okay so, but like I say she,she don't do the girl thing, she
just say bro that's some youngpeople, that's a mountain.
Speaker 1 (56:04):
I hear it too.
Speaker 2 (56:06):
I've been saying she said well so long ago.
I'd say trust your gut, youwere right and you're making the
right decision.
So I'm guessing that's based onthe communication.
Speaker 1 (56:20):
Oh no, when you're talking about the younger self.
Yeah, that was the younger self, yeah yeah, my younger self boy
.
Speaker 2 (56:25):
I'm surprised I ain't in prison, but anyway, praise
God I give you a clap rightthere.
I am surprised, but you know,as Maytha also said, she said
she agreed because the churchhas misguided.
so many people and it's mydaughter who said she said she
agreed because the church hasmisguided so many people and
it's a shame and like and likestokes was saying I'm like you
know what it you was.
(56:46):
You was hitting the nail on thehead because I hear it so many
times.
And I and at work I talked, Ihad this one lady we went away
for.
We went away for summer breakand and when we came back, she
was not only engaged, she wasmarried.
Speaker 3 (57:02):
Whoa.
Speaker 2 (57:04):
We go on Christmas break and come back.
She filed for a divorce AugustChristmas and she said it was
all because the ladies in hercircle encouraged her.
You can't shack up and ifyou're going to be hanging
around with him, you might aswell marry him.
And I was like a minute, isthat what you wanted?
She said.
I thought he was nice, youthought he was not.
(57:25):
You don't know this man, sothey will misguide you.
And then also, if you in anabusive marriage, in the church,
jesus, they don't want to Justpray for him.
My sign is y'all pray for him,because I'm definitely finna go
to jail, so that's somethingthat they really need to.
(57:46):
They got to find a balance inthere, that is true.
And as Mather said, preachfolks, preach.
Speaker 3 (57:52):
All right.
Speaker 2 (57:54):
And Amai said she agrees.
Speaker 1 (57:57):
I know Amai agree with me.
That's my baby, that's mygrandbaby she's being big.
Yeah, she's being big, well,hey, hey, this has been good.
Speaker 2 (58:07):
Yes, yes, yes.
Speaker 1 (58:11):
Oh man, this has been spirited and I love it, and I
love it, and I love it, and wejust want to thank you, stephen
and Johnny, for just saying yesto the interview and just
expressing yourselves and beingreal.
That's what we're all about.
Real, our church is real lifeand that's why we do marriage in
real life and just being realabout your life and things.
(58:35):
And so I just want to say thankyou from the bottom of my heart
.
Speaker 2 (58:38):
Yes, thank you so much.
I mean, the audience is on fire.
When you guys are talking, theyare loving it.
We're going to have to havey'all back.
Speaker 1 (58:45):
Yeah, we got to have y'all back for a deeper right.
So Samson says how can we reachout to you all?
So please tell us about yoursocial media handles or website
or whatever like that, and we'llmake sure that it's out there.
But you know, just go ahead andtell us how can they reach out.
Speaker 3 (59:06):
You can reach out to me on all social media platforms
at Stephen Stokes Instagram isStephen underscore university,
so and I also have a podcast aswell called Underground Gospel
Radio, so you can catch me onthere as well, and that's on all
social media.
(59:26):
Underground Gospel Radio.
You can find me on TikTok andwe're also on all platforms, on
podcast platforms and what else.
I think that's it as far associal media.
Speaker 5 (59:41):
Yeah, my Facebook is Johnine Stokes.
I think it's just JohnineStokes, right, yeah?
And then my Instagram.
I had to think about it.
And my Instagram is what is it?
Oh, now, don't judge me on myInstagram, but it's catered to
me only On Instagram.
But you can definitely catch uson those Plus on the
underground.
(01:00:01):
I'm on there sometimes,sometimes, yeah.
Speaker 2 (01:00:04):
Yeah, I hadn't seen you on there in a while.
Speaker 5 (01:00:07):
Yeah, no, I haven't been on there for a while.
Yeah, yeah, I mean.
Speaker 1 (01:00:10):
I've been tripping out on underground radio because
they be they be tripping me outtoo.
It'd be good, yeah.
Speaker 2 (01:00:25):
Yeah that's my church that's the church for me, so
all right though, but it isawesome.
Yeah, I love the interviews.
Speaker 3 (01:00:29):
I like the people, I love the music it's nice, yeah,
yeah, so yeah, I don't saynothing, I don't say nothing
because I'll be like I'm justgonna listen now yeah, all right
, cool, but but yeah, this isnice and again, thank you.
Speaker 1 (01:00:41):
We got to have you back.
We get deep and talk about thischurch thing and what's going
on, and so again, from thebottom of my heart, I really,
really appreciate you takingyour time on your Monday to to
just just chop it up with us.
Speaker 5 (01:00:55):
Just chop it up with us Absolutely.
Thank you for having us too.
Speaker 1 (01:01:00):
And we went 10 minutes over because of Patsy.
I just wanted everybody to knowthat.
I just wanted everybody to knowwe went 10 minutes over because
of Patsy.
Speaker 4 (01:01:10):
Alright.
Speaker 1 (01:01:13):
Alright.
Well, we want to thank youagain and again.
You can join us.
We're all everywhere,everywhere.
Social media.
Please make sure, if youhaven't liked and subscribed,
make sure you subscribe to RealLife TV 1 and make sure you
subscribe to Marriage and RealLife podcast and, like I said,
you can go back and listen tothis and watch it again.
I guarantee you'll pick up oneof the nuggets.
(01:01:35):
And again, thank you forjoining with us tonight.
Thank, you so much, thank youfor joining with us and we want
to say good night.
Speaker 2 (01:01:41):
Good night, Thank you guys.
Speaker 1 (01:01:43):
Good night, everybody Good night everybody, Thank you
guys.
Speaker 4 (01:01:47):
If you're hearing this message, you've listened to
the entire podcast and for thatwe want to thank you from the
bottom of our hearts.
We hope you enjoyed this newepisode and, if you did, please
rate and review our show on yourfavorite podcast channel.
Please share this episode withothers who may be interested in
this topic.
Also, feel free to let us knowwhat topics you'd like to see
(01:02:07):
covered in future episodes.
Get in touch in the comments oron any social media networks.
At Marriage in Real LifePodcast, see you in two weeks
for a new episode.
Thank you.
Popular Podcasts
Bookmarked by Reese's Book Club
Welcome to Bookmarked by Reese’s Book Club — the podcast where great stories, bold women, and irresistible conversations collide! Hosted by award-winning journalist Danielle Robay, each week new episodes balance thoughtful literary insight with the fervor of buzzy book trends, pop culture and more. Bookmarked brings together celebrities, tastemakers, influencers and authors from Reese's Book Club and beyond to share stories that transcend the page. Pull up a chair. You’re not just listening — you’re part of the conversation.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com