March 28, 2025 • 54 mins
Marriages can silently deteriorate through seven deadly behavioral patterns that many couples don't recognize until significant damage is done.
• Refusing to change – digging your heels in when growth is necessary creates friction and prevents relationship development
• Assuming the worst – filtering your spouse's actions through negative expectations leads to disconnection and misunderstandings
• Blaming – pointing fingers instead of taking ownership creates division rather than solutions
• Shutting down – avoiding conflict through silence gives the enemy space to magnify small issues into major problems
• Fantasizing – comparing your relationship to idealized versions of other marriages or past relationships fosters discontent
• Keeping finances separate – creating financial secrets that can undermine trust and unity in your partnership
• Keeping track of offenses – storing up past hurts prevents healing and contradicts biblical love
Communication serves as the foundation for addressing all these issues. By talking openly, listening actively, and growing together with God at the center, couples can overcome these deadly sins and build marriages that thrive through any challenge.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Welcome to Marriage in Real Life.
Welcome, hey, yes, yes, we'reso glad that you could join us
this evening.
This is another time to behappy.
Speaker 2 (00:14):
Yes, it is.
Thank you so much for joiningus.
We're excited about the topictoday.
Speaker 1 (00:20):
Yes, I mean for those who don't know, my name is Eric
.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
And I'm Boss Lady P.
Speaker 1 (00:24):
And we're glad that you're joining us today.
If this is your first timeplease tell us where you're
watching from and put in yourcomments.
Let us know where you'rewatching from.
We would love to know thatWe've been getting a lot of
downloads too.
That's good.
We're well over a thousanddownloads, so that's good, all
right.
Speaker 2 (00:41):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (00:41):
Jesus.
Thank you Jesus.
Yeah, we're trying to move upin the top 40.
You know that's a good thing,wouldn't that?
Be so cool.
Yeah, that'd be great.
So we're so glad that you couldjoin us this evening live on
YouTube and, if you're listeningvia podcast, we thank you as
well.
So what's been happening theselast two weeks, these past few
weeks?
Speaker 2 (01:01):
Yeah, we these past few weeks.
Yeah, I was out sick.
Speaker 1 (01:03):
Yeah, you were sick.
Thank God you're doing good.
You're looking beautiful, asalways, baby, you're so
beautiful.
Yeah, yeah, you look beautiful,so I'm going to make sure I get
that right off the top, okay,and I know you're on spring
break.
Speaker 2 (01:17):
It helps when you relax.
Speaker 1 (01:19):
Remember we talked about mental health.
That helps in your mentalhealth.
Speaker 2 (01:22):
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (01:32):
Individually about mental health.
Speaker 2 (01:33):
That helps in your mental health, absolutely
individually, in a together, asa marriage.
Even I took the whole week off.
Can you believe that I can fromwork?
Yeah, that's it, definitelyfocusing on a lot of other stuff
.
Speaker 1 (01:37):
Yeah hey, it's a good thing we ain't got no church
sunday, so I don't have toprepare a message.
I don't have to do nothing likethat with church, so that's uh
that's a good thing, everything,everything works together for
the good that love the Lord.
Speaker 2 (01:51):
We're not having church here, but we will be
going to church and visitingsomewhere.
Speaker 1 (01:54):
Yes, yes, yes.
Speaker 2 (01:56):
We went to a concert in the park.
Speaker 1 (01:58):
Oh yeah, yeah, oh man , I was thinking about that, it
was not R&B, but it wasdefinitely pop 80s and 70s.
Speaker 2 (02:07):
And it was amazing.
We had a great time.
Speaker 1 (02:10):
Just to see the older people.
Man, oh man.
Speaker 2 (02:12):
They were dressed with their afros and their bell
bottoms and they were singingand dancing all over the place.
It was awesome.
Speaker 1 (02:19):
And it was all the Caucasian people too.
Speaker 2 (02:21):
Yeah, yeah, it was a few of us in the crowd.
Speaker 1 (02:23):
There was a few of us in there, but it was the
majority of them and just to seethem have fun and we danced a
little bit and yeah, it was fun.
You forgot about that?
Speaker 2 (02:29):
Yeah, I forgot all about that babe?
Speaker 1 (02:31):
Yeah, we had the church anniversary.
Hey gave you 13 years.
Yeah, 13 years 13 years, sowe're glad of that birthday.
Yeah, they moving on up.
Speaker 2 (02:44):
Juicy turned 11.
Alright, cookie turned 16.
And I believe Sugar Mama's oh,he's talking about Muffin turned
2 in February, but I believeSugar Mama's gonna be 21.
When, on the 29th, 29th, rightyeah, we getting older we went
by to see the great grandbabyyes sir, yes sir, she's a little
(03:05):
button man, oh Lord, we gettingolder, we went by to see the
great grandbaby yes sir, she's alittle button man.
Oh man, she's so short, she's alittle button, a little shorty.
Busy though.
Speaker 1 (03:10):
Yeah, yeah, Very busy I think she's taking after her
great granddad.
Speaker 2 (03:13):
You think so Her?
Speaker 1 (03:14):
mama's short too.
So, Erica's short too.
Yesterday it's been around 100years and just to see the, every
time I go to that church I'mvery, I just get blown away.
Just to know that I laid somebricks on that church, that
they're in right now churchgrounds?
(03:34):
Yeah, man and like we had totake the rocks and throw them
away and just we, I had a handin that.
So every time I go there I'mlike, oh so you helped build
that.
Speaker 2 (03:44):
Yeah, I helped build that, yeah, as a child yeah, as
a child I helped.
Speaker 1 (03:48):
Yeah, so that's history of the earth and I
always remember that hey, shoutout to pokey shout out like
bitch you said yesterday.
I'm gonna stop saying I'm froma little town.
I'm just saying, look, I amfrom pohokie, florida.
Speaker 2 (03:59):
Be proud, I'm a proper hokin oh, that's what
they call y All right?
Speaker 1 (04:05):
All right, we see Rob G is on the line.
Hey Rob, what's up, rob?
How you doing?
How you doing?
John Russell is there, allright?
So we thank God for each andevery one of you being here.
Please let us know.
Please vote as well.
Make sure you like and shareWhile we're talking.
Right now we're getting readyto get into the topic.
Just go ahead and share.
I'm pretty sure you have amarriage couple or even a single
(04:26):
person, so they can get readyfor marriage.
That needs to know about whatto avoid and we're talking, so
we want to get right into ourtopic tonight.
Are you ready?
Speaker 2 (04:35):
Yes, I'm ready.
Speaker 1 (04:38):
All right, we're talking about the seven deadly
sins of marriage.
Yeah, seven deadly sins ofmarriage.
Yeah, seven deadly sins ofmarriage.
Now we've been married foralmost 33 years and we learned a
thing or two along the way, butsometimes we learned the hard
way.
Speaker 2 (04:57):
This is definitely some hard times and some
learning yes, how could I saySome learning tasks that we had
to do tackling the seven deadlysins.
You know people think of whenthey say the seven deadly sins.
They think of stuff from theBible like pride and greed and
jealousy and stuff like thatlust?
Speaker 1 (05:18):
yeah, I looked that up.
I'm going to tell you these areall of them.
I'm going to get the seven.
I'm going to show you whatthese are, all love amid.
I'm going to get the seven.
Let me show you the seven.
Like you said lust, right,that's excessive desire for
sexual gratification.
Gluttony, that's a part of theseven deadly sins, right?
Speaker 2 (05:33):
You know what that gluttony?
Let's stop right there.
Gluttony doesn't always pertainto food, does it?
Speaker 1 (05:40):
Yes, it's overindulgence or
overconsumption of food anddrink.
Speaker 2 (05:45):
Okay, so alcoholic could be gluttony Because
overindulgence of that, or evenusing drugs.
Speaker 1 (05:53):
That could be a part of gluttony, because you're
overindulging what you'resupposed to be doing Right.
Then we get to greed, excessivedesire for material wealth or
possession, sloth have you everseen an animal sloth?
And so sloth is laziness,avoidance of work or duty.
Ooh boy, I tell you, yeah,wrath, intense and uncontrolled
(06:15):
anger or hatred.
Seven deadly sins Envy, jealousyor resentment towards other
success or possessions.
And then the last one is prideExcessive belief in one's
ability or qualities.
It is often considered the rootof all other sins.
Pride becomes for the fall, andso pride is considered the root
(06:38):
.
So oftentimes, preachers, wetalk about other things, but we
don't talk about gluttony.
We don't talk about pride a lot.
We don't talk about envy a lot,but we want to talk about other
things.
But we don't talk aboutgluttony.
We don't talk about pride a lot.
We don't talk about envy a lot,but we want to talk about other
things and so those are theseven deadly sins that's
mentioned in the bible.
Speaker 2 (06:53):
Deadly sins deadly sins wow yes, sir okay, so we're
gonna talk about some of thesilent, deadly sins that can
destroy or sabotage yourmarriage tonight.
So I'm excited about that, soyou just have to be careful.
Speaker 1 (07:09):
John Russell says I think gluttony goes beyond food.
Okay, all right.
Hey, amai, how you doing.
Okay, I can agree with that.
Yeah, yeah, goes beyond food.
You can have too much excess.
I would say excess of TV.
Speaker 2 (07:21):
Of anything that distracts you from God.
Speaker 1 (07:24):
Oh you boy, you preaching.
Can't wait to hear you on PalmSunday.
Speaker 2 (07:28):
That's why I asked, because in my study time I was
like I watch 600 Pound Life andI'm just like I can't understand
why these people indulge in somuch food.
And as I was sitting there andI don't know where it got me
came across when I said is itonly food?
I was like huh, I rememberGluttony came across when.
I said is it only food?
I?
Speaker 1 (07:45):
was like huh, I don't think it's only food Right,
right, right, right, I like that.
Speaker 2 (07:47):
So it's not just food , it can be anything Right.
Anything that overtakes ordistracts you, okay.
Speaker 1 (07:53):
All right, good to go .
Okay, today we're talking aboutthe habits that can silently
sabotage our marriage if you'renot careful.
If you're not careful if you'renot careful.
Oh boy, you got to be careful.
I like our podcast because it'sa conversation.
We don't lecture nobody.
We don't claim to know it all.
Right, we don't think becausewe've been married 44, I mean 44
(08:15):
.
Lord, I really.
Hey, somebody gave us an extra20 today, right?
You remember when we was at thebank, somebody gave us an extra
20 today.
And then, what you know, justtalking about that, remember
what, bishop?
You told me to write it downtoo and I put it in here.
Bishop yesterday said they'vebeen married 69 years.
(08:36):
Bishop.
Sylvester 69 years and he's beensaved 68 of those years.
And he's 90 years old.
And he looks good and he looksgood.
He always reminds me of my dad.
I already tell you that I justwant to give a shout out to
Bishop Sylvester Banks of BibleChurch of God.
He's the overseer, so I want togive a shout out to him.
Yeah, I'm sorry about jumpingin there, so let's jump into the
(08:56):
first deadly sin.
We just let's get hey, hellothere.
What's all the way from Atlanta?
All right, all right.
So the first deadly sin we wantto talk about is refusing to
change.
Refusing to change.
Speaker 2 (09:19):
That's a tough one, because sometimes it's like when
you get married you'd be like Iam who I am.
Take it or leave it.
This is what you married.
I'm here to stay.
There's no change.
Speaker 1 (09:31):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (09:31):
I can remember saying I'm from the hood and you don't
like it, you married the wrongchick.
Oh yeah, I was all in.
You remember that?
You know, I didn't want to hearwhat Eric had to say.
I was who I was.
I'm my grandmother'sgranddaughter.
I'm going to shoot from thehill.
I'm going to say what I want tosay, and you never really asked
(09:53):
me to change.
I just think once I got intoand deep in my relationship with
the Lord, it just startedchanging.
I don't even remember when itchanged, but I'm grateful that
it changed, that it changed.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, becauseit can cause so much friction
and I can remember it causing somuch friction between the two
of us like to the point where Idon't have nothing to say to you
(10:16):
.
I can literally be in the housewith you for a month and only
say yes, no, I don't know, Amonth, it was that long.
Speaker 1 (10:23):
Oh boy.
Sometimes, oh, wow, yeah, Imean, you know life happens and
if you dig your heels intosomething you refuse to grow,
then something is wrong, right,yeah, it can cause major
friction.
Maybe you have a short temper,right?
Or you can't unplug from workunplug from the church and so
(10:45):
when we go on through marriagesometimes those things in the
beginning they seem so minor.
Speaker 2 (10:49):
As life goes and you're lifing and different
things kids come into play newcareers, or you're going from
one job and now you're gettinginto your career, so you're
pouring yourself into that.
Sometimes things just you justget caught up.
Speaker 1 (11:04):
Yeah, you get caught up.
But Bible says be transformedby the renewing of our minds,
and marriage is one of the bestplaces for that to happen.
Speaker 2 (11:14):
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (11:15):
Right, that's one area where we had to grow.
Like you said, we had to grow.
Speaker 2 (11:18):
Everybody, and we're still growing oh thank God for
that.
Yes, we're still growing, soit's a process of learning one
another and be willing to shiftin a different direction to get
a better outcome.
Speaker 1 (11:31):
Right, right, right.
Because you remember last, Ithink last time we was talking
to the Stokes and I was sayingthat I'm a fixer, I love to fix
things right.
That's just me.
And I had to learn to changefrom that, from being a fixer to
a listener to you Right, and soI'm glad I did.
I could have refused to change,but thank God I did change that
(12:00):
.
That would have drove.
That would have drove a biggerwedge than we had if I just kept
doing it and doing it.
And sometimes you still have toremind me, say, hey, I just
want to talk to you, right.
Sometimes you still have toremind me Say, hey, I just want
to talk to you, right.
Speaker 2 (12:05):
Yes, I don't want you to fix it.
I don't want a solution, I justwant you to listen, just want
you to listen, sometimes I canfigure it out myself when I'm
speaking it out loud and I'mtelling you, I can figure it out
on my own, because sometimesthings get so caught up in
between our heads and we'rethinking, and then we don't
(12:31):
really solve it.
Speaker 1 (12:31):
So when we come to you as if we want to someone to
hear us out here.
Right, right, right, we figureit out along the way.
Yeah, you do, you do, you do so, man, sometimes our wives just
wants us to listen to them.
Uh, not fix everything, so,yeah, so that's the thing.
So our second, let's go to oursecond one.
Okay, all right.
So our first one was uh, neverrefusing to change.
Right, if you live long enough,you got to change.
Right, you could get you.
(12:53):
Just don't talk about I ain'tgonna change, nobody ain't gonna
change me, right, but if youlive long enough, you will
change because you love somebody, right, you're gonna change who
change?
You are not your true dna, yourindividual, but you're just how
you handle things.
You're gonna to change whochange.
Speaker 2 (13:04):
You are not your true dna, your individual, but
you're just how you handlethings.
Speaker 1 (13:07):
You're going to learn how to change more.
All right, so our second one isassuming the worse.
Assuming the worse, that is oursecond one assuming the verse.
Speaker 2 (13:20):
What do you mean when you say assuming the verse?
Speaker 1 (13:23):
when you start assuming your spouse has bad
intentions, you know you alwayseverything gets filtered through
that I assume that she's goingto say no on this Right.
That's the worst, instead ofasking so what happened?
Is that?
Now, everything that I come toyou, I'm already thinking that
you're going to say no, so I'mgoing to assume the worst and,
(13:45):
as filtered, now I'm going to goaround and tell people my wife
is just negative.
She's negative all the time.
She always say no, she alwayssay no.
So if I keep saying that andkeep repeating that in my mind,
right when I speak to you andask you certain questions, I've
already come to you thinkingthat you're going to always say
no.
I've already come to youthinking that you're going to
always say no, and that's how Iapproach things.
Speaker 2 (14:07):
Sometimes, given in the dynamic of things, if
someone comes, if someone cometo me and say, hey, I can't
really think of it.
But if somebody come to me andthey ask me something, something
that I know that you're goingto say no about, okay, is that
negative?
Speaker 1 (14:23):
No, that's not assuming the worst, assuming
like I say okay, okay, say itlike this.
Say I don't think I don't careabout your feelings, right,
right, I don't care about yourfeelings.
Then, no matter what I say,that's how you hear it Right, no
matter what I say, because youalready said that I don't care
about your feelings.
(14:44):
So if you've already got thatin your mind that I don't care
about your feelings, you'regoing to already have that
negative thought in your mindthat I don't care.
So, whatever I say, you'regoing to say yeah, you don't
care, you don't care, you don'tcare, even though I care, but
because you already assumed thewords that I don't care, the way
(15:04):
you approach me is I don't care.
Speaker 2 (15:10):
Right, yes.
Speaker 1 (15:11):
Right.
So that's why I said assumingthe worst.
If you think I'm going toalways say no when you approach
me, you're going to always saywhen you, I ain't talking about
nobody else, I'm talking aboutyou.
When you approach me, you'regoing to always say that Eric
going going to always say no,he's going to always say no and
that's going to be your mindset.
When, in essence, you assumethe worst without asking me.
(15:33):
And it could be yes, it couldbe yes, but you always think
it's going to be no.
So what happens?
You don't even ask.
Speaker 2 (15:40):
Only if you give me a reason to be negative, I'll be
negative.
I mean, I wouldn't just say,nah, I'm not even going to ask
him because I know what hisanswer is going to be.
If, in the fact that in thepast, your answer has always
been something negative, thenI'm going to be negative.
So that energy is going toliterally come from you, based
upon how I respond to being toassuming that you're just going
(16:03):
to be not positive.
Speaker 1 (16:04):
Without assuming, then that's not part of the
deadly sin.
That's not part of it.
Assuming takes action, thatI've done it so much time that
you assume that I'm going toalways do it.
That's when you say he mightsay it.
When you put the word he mightsay it.
You're not assuming the worst.
When you assume the worst, whenyou always think that negative
thing.
Speaker 2 (16:24):
Again.
I mean, I don't know you guyscan chime in on this, but again,
if every time I've come to youhave to give me a reason to have
that assumption, that's whatI'm saying.
I'm just not going to snatch itout of the sky and just be that
way.
It has to be something thatlead up to that.
Speaker 1 (16:43):
That's all I'm saying .
So you're saying an action byme caused you to assume the
worst.
Speaker 2 (16:49):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (16:50):
I don't think that's part of it.
I think you assumed it, justlike you always tell the girls
always ask me, don't assume thatI know, or assume this stuff
like that.
It was no action of you.
They just assumed that youwouldn't say something, that you
wouldn't do it.
It was no action of you.
They just assumed that youwouldn't say something, that you
wouldn't do it.
It was no action of you becauseyour action was always an open
book.
(17:11):
You can come to me anytime, butI'm assumed that mine will
understand.
They assume that it was no.
Your action didn't cause themto assume that you wouldn't
understand.
They just assume that youwouldn't understand because I
don't know why they assume thatyou didn't understand because
you always said I'm an open book, come and talk to me, I'm open.
So I would say not all the timeI say I can say I can agree
(17:34):
with you.
With that it may, but a lot oftimes in, I would say, in
marriages, you just assume thisperson is going to do something,
when exactly they're not.
Because you're constantlygrowing, I'm saying you're
constantly growing.
I'm saying you're constantlygrowing.
Speaker 2 (17:47):
I agree.
Speaker 1 (17:48):
So if you're constantly growing, don't assume
something because it happenedin the past.
I guess I can go with youBecause I was negative in the
past.
Don't assume it five yearslater that I'm going to always
be Now that I can roll with Okayall right that I can roll with.
Speaker 2 (18:05):
All right, all right, hey, cool.
Speaker 1 (18:11):
That's why I say hey, this is a conversation, I love
it.
Speaker 2 (18:13):
I'm just saying, because it's like greed, I won't
go and snatch something out ofthe past and say, oh, 10 years
ago he said no, he was this wayabout that.
No, I wouldn't do that.
But if it's something that'sconsistently been causing me to
feel that way, then I mean Right, right, right.
Speaker 1 (18:29):
So this is the gist of this.
So, instead of assuming theworst, ask questions, get
curious.
Speaker 2 (18:36):
Okay, I can roll with that.
Speaker 1 (18:37):
You can roll with that, I can, okay, all right.
All right, let me talk aboutthe third deadly sin.
Speaker 2 (18:44):
Blaming.
Speaker 1 (18:49):
That's the third deadly sin.
Now, that's easy to fall into.
When things go wrong, it feelsnatural to point the finger, but
blaming your spouse onlydeepens the divide.
And Jesus said it like thistake the plank out of your own
eye.
Out of your own eye.
In other words, you got tostart with yourself.
Speaker 2 (19:10):
I agree.
I also agree that there weretimes when I was like Lord, this
man that you gave me, he isthis, he is that.
What is going on?
This is not what I asked for.
Speaker 1 (19:24):
You were praying, like you was Moses, people that
you gave me man, I know I prayedfor this Lord and I don't know.
Speaker 2 (19:32):
I don't know how I'm gonna get through this.
But then I had started to say Iswitched it.
I switched the whole prayeraround and said Lord, created me
a clean house renew the rightspirit in me helped me to be a
good wife helped me to be a goodmom, guided me to be a good
listener, a partner, and when Istarted asking God to fix me,
(19:57):
then it was easier for me tounderstand where you were coming
from.
And in the same process of Godfixing me, he was changing
things with you.
Speaker 1 (20:07):
Yeah, he's working on me.
Speaker 2 (20:08):
So I took I had to pray for myself.
Speaker 1 (20:13):
That's it.
Speaker 2 (20:14):
I had to pray for myself.
I know you say I know you prayfor others, but more or less I
think what I was praying for youwas complaint, more or less
about you than praying for you.
Speaker 1 (20:25):
Oh, say that again, say that again.
Speaker 2 (20:28):
More of my prayers was about complaints versus for
you.
Yeah, you don't know what youjust said.
I can't remember.
You cut me off right in themiddle.
What did I say?
Speaker 1 (20:41):
I mean, you repeated it, but you just don't know the
gist of what you just said.
Speaker 2 (20:45):
I understand, because sometimes we get to complaining
, we get to prayer planning.
Should I say prayer planning toGod about I don't know what I'm
doing with this man or I don'tknow how this is going to happen
?
Yeah, we get so frustrated thatour genuine in our mind,
genuinely, we go to the Lord.
Lord, I just want you to touchmy husband and he would say you
(21:05):
know what he did and before youknow it, we're talking about all
of the negative things, andsometimes the negative things
are a few things in between, butwe don't say Lord, I thank you
that he loved me, I thank youthat he's kind.
Lord, I thank you that he founda good thing.
I thank you, God, that youstrengthen him every day, that
you cover him from his head tohis toe.
We can get caught up sometimes,but we have to look within
(21:26):
ourselves and sometimes theblame is us, because we so focus
on maybe careers, the children,cleaning the house, cooking,
Cooking.
Doing the stuff that societysays is our responsibility
Baking biscuits or whatever.
Sometimes we do blame.
We blame when we're tired, weblame because there's so much to
(21:49):
do.
Yeah, I can get that, but ifyou continue to point the blame,
it's going to always be adivision.
You got to be able to cometogether.
Speaker 1 (21:59):
I love it.
I love what you just said, man,that prayer planning.
That's exactly what we often do.
We want to say she ain't doingthis and she ain't doing that,
instead of looking at us and say, okay, what am I doing?
Because I'm a firm believer, aswe tell people in our
counseling is that, look, whenyou go down to Ephesians, don't
stop looking at what she'ssupposed to do.
(22:19):
Look at what you're supposed todo.
Just focus on what you'resupposed to do, because you talk
about submission, that uglyword that some people really
don't understand.
But if I am doing what God toldme to do love you as I, as
Christ loved the church, andcherish you and do all of these
things for you, then submissionis going to be no problem.
(22:41):
You often say that it's not.
As long as I follow Christ,you're going to follow me.
But I can't come up to you andsay you're supposed to be
submissive.
Now I done stepped into yourrole and telling you what to do,
right, and now what you'regoing to do.
You're going to say you'resupposed to love me and love the
Christ.
So not as an argument.
So let me do what I'm supposedto do.
Let me focus on that and let mepray for you.
(23:08):
Instead of complaining aboutyou, I need to be praying for
you.
That's what I need to do and,as spouses, stop complaining
about the person and pray forthe person, but make sure you
focus on yourself, becausenobody in a marriage is perfect
Nobody.
So look within yourselves, as Isaid, keep the plank out your
eye, look within yourself andsay, like you said Lord, create
in me.
David didn't say create innobody else.
(23:30):
He said create in me a cleanheart and renew the right spirit
.
Yeah, right.
And so, if I get right, I knowmy baby going to be right, right
, all right, amen, yeah, so whenwe both do our part, but it
does invite healing.
It and we both do our part, butit does invite healing.
Speaker 2 (23:47):
It does, it's healing it does and it just makes it
easy.
Not that there's not going tobe some ups and downs, but it
does make being in thatrelationship easier.
You can go to that person.
You can't be in a relationshipwith a person where you got to
be on eggshells and you can't goto them and tell them what
you're going through.
Right and how you're feelingYou'd be like nah, I ain't
sharing that with them.
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (24:06):
That's right, all right, so now we're at number
four.
Number four and I can relate tothis Seven deadly sins in
marriage.
Shutting down, shutting down.
I can relate to that.
Speaker 2 (24:25):
Sometimes people shut down to avoid conflict.
That's you.
Speaker 1 (24:30):
That's me.
Speaker 2 (24:32):
But when you shut down, you get from my point of
view.
I don't know about others, butwhen you shut down to me it's
like you don't care.
Speaker 1 (24:42):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (24:43):
It's like I don't care, Get over it.
She gonna keep going at it, butI ain't trying to hear that
right now.
That's what I see right right,I just assume that you don't
care.
Walls up, so if you're notgonna talk to me, I'm gonna go
in another room.
Okay, possibly close the door,because now I don't want to talk
to you, I don't want to see you, I want to be in the same room
(25:07):
with you.
Speaker 1 (25:08):
Oh man, that's not good.
Speaker 2 (25:10):
That's not good I mean earlier in our marriage,
where and not only that, likeit's always assumed that we want
to argue, we don't want toargue.
We want you to hear where we'recoming from.
We want you to listen and hearcompletely where we're coming
(25:31):
from.
We don't want to argue, justlike y'all don't want to argue,
but when y'all shut down, itmakes us shut down, and once we
shut down, we'll hold it.
We'll hold it.
Speaker 1 (25:41):
And shutting down to start putting up walls and, like
you say you want to talk.
Speaker 2 (25:47):
The communication has to be there in order for it to
work.
Speaker 1 (25:50):
Right, yeah, it has to be there.
You always say you talk aboutit.
The number one thing in anymarriage is communication.
Speaker 2 (25:59):
In most relationships .
Speaker 1 (26:02):
In most relationships .
Speaker 2 (26:02):
It's communication.
You have to know where theopposite person is coming from.
You got to be on the same page,you got to try and understand
where they're coming from andyou got to also be in a mode
sometime of compromise.
Speaker 1 (26:13):
Again, communication is just not talking,
Communication is listening.
That's the full round ofcommunication.
Speaker 2 (26:18):
Because now, like if I'm talking to Eric, I say now
you want to repeat that back?
Speaker 1 (26:21):
to me what did I say?
I say you don't need to say.
To repeat you said youunderstand understand what I'm
saying?
Speaker 2 (26:28):
no, because I don't want you.
Are you doing your activelistening?
Speaker 1 (26:31):
active listening active listening.
Speaker 2 (26:34):
It's so important and not just to be bossy or
anything but that that'sshutting down.
Yes, you know how the enemysneaks in.
When you shut down, don't eventalk about it.
What the enemy does?
He comes in and he reminds youof how the enemy sneaks in when
you shut down.
Speaker 1 (26:46):
Oof, don't even talk about it.
Speaker 2 (26:47):
What the enemy does?
He comes in and he reminds youof all the stuff from after the
I.
Do he start reminding you?
He be like oh yeah, I forgotabout that.
I'm serious.
You give the enemy so muchopportunity to sneak in right
there in that shutdown.
Speaker 1 (27:04):
Yeah, in that shutdown period and he get to
talking to you.
Speaker 2 (27:07):
Like that little devil on one shoulder and a
little angel, he get to talkingto you.
You remember that time he usedall the toothpaste.
Remember that time he didn'teven roll it up.
He didn't even change.
Just a little bitty nitpickingthings, and now, while you're
sitting there in the shutdown,you're getting madder and madder
, and that's what he wants.
He wants to destroy thecommunication so he can destroy
(27:27):
the foundation, so he candestroy the marriage.
Speaker 1 (27:30):
That's it, baby, you're talking.
And so Ephesians 4 and 26 saysdo not let the sun go down while
you're still angry.
That means deal with things,and I know we take it as I mean.
I ain't going to be angry.
Sometimes we take that scriptureand we say but I ain't gonna, I
ain't gonna go to bed with her.
So at one o'clock somethinghappens and we wait to 11
(27:51):
o'clock to deal with it becausewe don't want to go to bed with
it.
No, we need to understand thatscripture really means to deal
with things.
Right, then you know, deal withit.
That's what we need to do, andnot wait.
And not wait, deal with it.
Because you often say if youkeep not dealing with things,
let's think about this.
Like you said, if somethinghappened at 1 o'clock, you shut
down and you say I ain't goingto go to bed, I'm going to 11
(28:14):
o'clock, I'm going to talk toher Between 1 o'clock and 10.59
pm.
Boy, that mind is going crazy.
Yeah, it is.
So by the time you want to sitdown at 11 o'clock.
Oh no, it's too late now.
So you need to deal with itright away.
Speaker 2 (28:30):
I was thinking about that scripture that could be
using so many other things aboutnot letting the sun go down
while you're angry.
That could be like in prettymuch any relationship.
Speaker 1 (28:39):
Any relationship yeah .
Speaker 2 (28:41):
That was just like mothers and daughters, okay.
Speaker 1 (28:43):
Brother, yeah, yeah, it's like mothers and daughters.
Okay, yeah, it's your brother.
Speaker 2 (28:45):
Yeah, yeah, it's hard to sleep when you're upset with
someone.
You toss you turn, you toss,you turn and I guess you don't
get a good night's sleep becauseyou tossing and turning.
And I remember at one point Iused to say I go to sleep but I
wake up so tired it was becauseI had so much on my mind, many
things running through there,and I wasn't giving myself the
proper opportunity or time torejuvenate, to rest.
(29:08):
Even now, my watcher tell metake this moment to wind down.
You should definitely, youdefinitely should wind down, and
then don't sit down and waitfor the other person to go to
sleep first.
Speaker 1 (29:23):
Be like hmm, it's late, now you can go.
Jordan asked the question howwould someone stop shutting down
?
What do you think?
How would someone stop shuttingdown?
Speaker 2 (29:36):
Can I talk from my?
Speaker 1 (29:36):
experience.
My experience is that you gotto intentionally know that
shutting down is a problem.
Once you intentionally knowthat shutting down is a problem,
once you intentionally knowthat shutting down is a problem.
And again, like Lady Patsy said, I shut down because I wanted
to avoid conflict.
But out of that conflict comeanswers.
(29:58):
And once I realized that out ofthat conflict is going to come
answers, I'm going to hear her,she's going to hear me, and
we're going to be able to solvethe.
I'm going to hear her, she'sgoing to hear me, and we're
going to be able to solve theproblem.
I had to intentionally not shutdown.
So you have to disciplineyourself, that look for the
greater good and for the greatercause and for the marriage.
I got to not shut down.
(30:19):
I got to face the problem headon, right, and this is what I
need to do, and I need to notshut down.
So, on, right, and this is whatI need to do, and I need to not
shut down.
So when I want to shut down, Ineed to get back up.
Ok, baby, let's talk about this.
So that's what I would say.
Speaker 2 (30:31):
Yeah, one of the things he would say to me would
be how can I make this better?
What would you like to see fromme?
And when he would say that, I'dbe like, ok, he cares about my
feelings, he's not just blamingme and shutting down, he
actually wants my opinion on howhe could help me address
(30:52):
whatever the situation is.
And I found that like it tookyears.
It took years.
And when he finally said howwould you like for me to help
you in this, what could I do?
And I was like, and then Iwould go ahead and tell him.
So that's kind of how weaddress things now.
If I'm having an issue or ifwe're having a disagreement, he
knows.
If it gets to the point where Ijust can't be in the same space
(31:14):
with him, I go for a drive andwhen I come back is we good to
go.
But we don't sweep it under therug, we address it, right,
right.
We're addressing it in a more ofa calmer atmosphere.
Yeah, that's cool.
Speaker 1 (31:29):
I hope that answers your question.
Jordan, put it in there.
Make sure you let us know ifthat answers your question, all
right, all right.
Now the fifth deadly sin.
This guy, he could be taken outof context, right?
Speaker 2 (31:45):
This guy, he could be taken out of context, right?
The fifth deadly sin isfantasizing, right yeah.
Speaker 1 (31:52):
You may scratch my head.
You may scratch my head.
What do you think about thatfantasizing behavior?
Speaker 2 (31:57):
It could go farther than just being sexual.
Speaker 1 (31:59):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (32:00):
It could go way deeper than that.
It could be wishing your spouseor someone else longing for a
marriage that exists in yourimagination, like the picket
fence with the two kids and thedog and the cat, and you got to
build to those things and justdifferent aspects of what you
consider.
The perfect marriage isSomething they see on TV.
(32:22):
Something you, yeah, theHousewives of Atlanta, hip hop
Miami, and I think we get caughtup into what we see, especially
when we focus on what's outthere, but we have to remember
that we are not.
We're in this world, but we'renot of this world.
When we put God first.
He directs our path.
Speaker 1 (32:42):
And I wouldn't even go.
I know I put it on TV, butsometimes we fantasize about
other people's marriage, rightnext to us in church, even our
parents.
But, man, I wish my marriagewas like my parents, not knowing
that they had arguments.
They just didn't argue in frontof you.
I don't say fight, I don't sayfight.
They didn't argue in front ofyou.
I don't say fight, I don't sayfight.
(33:04):
They didn't argue in front ofyou.
They didn't do this in front ofyou.
Oh, they had problems, they gotsecrets, they got all these
issues, but you just don't knowabout it.
So sometimes we fantasize aboutthat, fantasize about people in
our church, and when we sayfantasize, not that man like
Bishop Sylvester at 69.
Well, I hope I can get to 69.
I live 90 and we can and I hopeI can get to that, and that's
(33:27):
not fantasizing, that's like man, that's a goal to get to.
But if I get to the point whereI want to fantasize at what it
would be like and what he wentthrough and I want my marriage
to be perfect like he is, I wantthis and I want that, no,
that's fantasizing and that iscompletely wrong.
Speaker 2 (33:45):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (33:46):
Completely wrong, because, again, you don't know
what that person went through.
Speaker 2 (33:51):
And I think every relationship, every marriage, is
going to go through some upsand downs.
Right, it's how you come out onthe winning side, how you
address that.
I would never I don't know.
I have never came across amarried couple that I would say
that I wish my marriage was likethat, because I'm too busy
trying to focus on my marriage.
I appreciate longevity, Iappreciate that they're still
(34:15):
together and that there's a goal.
Okay, if they could do it, wecould do it.
If God bought them to it, godcan bring us to it.
So I think I'm totally focusedon that.
Yeah, so I think that I thinkthe biggest thing would be in
this particular thing would besexual, would be.
No one wants to be compared tosomeone else.
(34:36):
No, definitely no woman wantsher husband to compare her to
his ex-wife, his girlfriend,first love.
None of that, we don't want.
None of that.
Speaker 1 (34:46):
I will tell you this before we get to the question,
Tyrone's question, before we getinto it.
I often tell guys a lot oftimes we have this ego problem,
Guys, we have an ego problem andoftentimes, when it comes down
to relations and you know whatI'm talking about we want to be
the first one because we haveegos, and we want to be the
(35:08):
first one we tell our wivesain't this the best you ever had
, Ain't this good?
When you say that, you laugh.
When you say that, what do youcause your wife to think?
Speaker 2 (35:24):
Right, you had a whole bunch of people.
Speaker 1 (35:26):
You causing your wife now to look back and compare
you to the rest of them.
Right?
You thinking that, oh, this isan ego thing I'm going to, but
what you're doing at thisparticular moment now, your wife
had to look back and say, ohyeah, but is she going back in
her memory?
Is she going to lie to you?
Or is she going back to hermemory?
And if she did have somebodybetter, she ain't going to say
(35:48):
it, but now she done thoughtabout the person that may have
been better, right?
So, sometimes, as an ego, stopasking questions and introducing
those things to our spouse.
Stop asking questions becausewhat you're doing, you're
introducing those things to ourspouse.
Wow, stop asking questions,because what you're doing,
you're introducing those thingsto our spouse.
To think about what happened inthe past, right, just focus on
(36:12):
the now.
Comparison yeah, you startcomparing yourself, Not
comparing yourself withrelations, how you handle things
or whatever.
Stop doing that.
Speaker 2 (36:22):
Okay, because, if you notice, we never ask y'all.
Speaker 1 (36:28):
We gots with it there , All right.
So let's deal with Tyrone.
We got a question.
So fantasies pull us out ofreality.
Tyrone says what do you do whenyou can't come to an agreement
before you go to bed?
What you think, baby, you wantme to handle it first and you go
, or what I think you shouldhandle it you should gosh yeah.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (36:47):
If you can't come to an agreement, before you go to
bed, pray, pray together.
Ask God to be in the midst ofthe decision, to help y'all come
to that agreement.
That way you've given it to Godand you can rest in peace.
Speaker 1 (37:03):
And.
Speaker 2 (37:03):
God will definitely give you a direction on how to
come to that agreement, butfirst you've got to let it.
If you've discussed it all dayand you ain't coming to no
conclusion about it, yeah, Ipray about it so you can rest
easy and rest.
Speaker 1 (37:18):
And I want to go a little farther on that as the
man, as the priest, as thepastor, the house people say
that you initiate it.
Come say, baby, I know we can'tcome to agreement, we got to
pray about this one.
I know you're mad at me, butyou're looking here.
We love each other.
First of all, we love eachother.
This ain't a divorce thing.
We need to just come toagreement.
(37:38):
So let's pray and hold hands.
I know you're mad at me, but,baby, I need you to hold my hand
and let us pray about it.
And again, you're not prayingto Lord, fix her.
Lord help us come to aresolution, and it don't have to
be no long prayer, because thelonger you pray, the longer you
start saying stuff that youdon't need to be saying.
(37:59):
So you say Lord, forgive us,lord, let us come through a
solution to this, guide us, weneed it, we need wisdom on this
thing.
Lord, help us.
And then just say Lord, we'reopening up our heart to you, and
sit there and let the Lord openup your heart.
All right, tyron, I hope thathelps.
Let me know if that answersyour question.
But I think that's good, baby,I love that.
(38:19):
I love that.
Speaker 2 (38:22):
All right, number six .
Number six Keeping your moneyseparate.
Whoa.
Speaker 1 (38:31):
Whoa, this one is huge.
This one is huge.
Keeping finances separate cancreate hidden areas in your
marriage, and Jesus said this.
He says where your treasure is,that your heart will be also.
So combining your financesisn't just practical, is an act
of unity.
And I would say on that that'sthe sheet.
(38:53):
We got a little script that weread and everything like that.
But I don't know, I think itall depends on what you agree
upon in the beginning.
Some couples they can keep theirmoney separate and have an
account where they pay out theirbills.
Right, they pay out.
They say, okay, everybody'sgoing to contribute to whatever
and we're going to pay out ourbills out of one account and
(39:14):
we're going to have a savingsaccount where we are saving up
for something.
So you have that, but we'regoing to keep a separate account
right.
The reason why I tell peoplesometimes I tell guys and I tell
women I said because if youjust have one account or two
accounts checking and savingswhen I want to buy you something
, I'm going to know, you'regoing to know how much it costs.
Speaker 2 (39:36):
Where you bought it from, where.
Speaker 1 (39:37):
I bought it from and I got to come to you.
I got to come and ask youpermission because this is our
joint account, right.
But if I have a checkingaccount for bills, a savings
account for us, that we savingup for a house, we saving up for
this and we're putting money init, whatever, and I have my own
little thing over here, what Ibuy from you, you don't even
know, right, you don't know howmuch it costs.
Speaker 2 (40:07):
You don't know where I buy it from, you don't?
You just don't know, you don'tknow.
So look for the receipts.
I wonder how much he paid forthis.
Oh, my goodness, I can'tbelieve he spent this much money
on this oh man.
Speaker 1 (40:20):
The papers say, when you combine everything, it
creates trust.
I mean, I think again, there'sa level of trust that you have
as far as the bills, as far asthe savings, that hey, you're
putting $100, I'm putting $100in.
Everybody knows both of themhave access to those two
accounts and you have access tothat trust.
(40:40):
But what I do and I keep mine,hey, I want to spend it on this.
I want to spend something onyou.
Speaker 2 (40:48):
I want to spend on that.
What she's saying is you got alittle something I don't know
about.
She's trying to say, bro, yougot a little something I don't
know about, hey.
Speaker 1 (40:58):
I keep a little something on the side, you ain't
wrong bro, just in case alittle something, a little
special occasion Valentine's Day, okay, birthday Anniversary,
christmas.
Let me shut my mouth, I'm donefor the night.
Speaker 2 (41:14):
Don't keep it going.
Speaker 1 (41:15):
I know you got a little something.
Speaker 2 (41:16):
Hey, you taught me well, I learned from the best.
Let me tell you something Inever had a bank account until
we got married.
Speaker 1 (41:26):
No.
Speaker 2 (41:27):
Nope, I never had a bank account.
My family didn't have bankaccounts.
We just did what we did.
I never had a bank accountuntil we got married.
Speaker 1 (41:35):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (41:36):
Man 33 years ago.
Speaker 1 (41:39):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (41:40):
Yeah, I knew how to balance it.
I knew how to add and subtract,but I just never had an account
.
But I don't hide anything fromyou.
You have access to all three.
Speaker 1 (41:52):
Hey, no, I don't have access to all of them because
every time I try to get on thatphone when you're trying to
access you what you looking at.
I what you licking it.
I know you got a littlesomething.
You saving up a littlesomething, just in case I do
like that.
No, no, no special occasionspecial occasion your birthday,
father's Day, christmas hey, Iwant to say to all the guys if
(42:18):
y'all been saving up for alittle something, just you know,
put a little hearts, put alittle hearts in the chat.
If you've been saving a littlesomething, just you know, put a
little hearts in the check.
If you've been saving a littlesomething, you got a little
something on the side, unlessyou don't want to tell your wife
that you got a little somethingon the side.
Speaker 2 (42:28):
But I agree, though, to know where you're going and
what's going down, the bills arebeing paid, and that account
together.
I think that's great.
I don't think it would causeyou to have any, as long as the
two of you agree, right, I thinkit's okay.
Speaker 1 (42:44):
Right?
Yeah, I think so too.
I think so too.
Make sure you like and share.
Please, Make sure you like andshare.
Like and share, All right, allright.
So let's keep your moneyseparate, All right.
And this is the final one.
And here we go Keeping track ofoffenses, Keeping track of
(43:09):
offenses.
Speaker 2 (43:10):
Because even Corinthians 13 and 5 says love
keeps no wrong, no record ofwrong, Forgiveness not being
easy.
It's not easy to forgive, butit's necessary for the strength
of the marriage the foundationof the marriage.
I used to hold stuff like thatagainst you oh man.
Yeah, Mr Player Player, youwere tampering me, oh man, you
(43:30):
were dogging me.
I used to say, boy, oh boy, oneof these days.
We're getting back, we'regetting back oh man, but I
matured in Christ.
A lot of things that I thoughtwas important became unimportant
.
Speaker 1 (43:47):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (43:47):
The most important was like getting the kids to
high school, getting the kidsinto college, getting the kids
out there productively.
That was my main focus.
Not to pay back and not tobring up.
Oh, you remember that time whenI let you borrow $78 to pay
your insurance on your car?
You never paid me back my money.
Speaker 1 (44:06):
That's it.
You've been keeping a fenceever since.
Speaker 2 (44:09):
And that was in 1989.
Speaker 1 (44:12):
We were dating and you still know the exact amount.
How much is it again?
Speaker 2 (44:16):
$87.52.
Speaker 1 (44:18):
I think you put an interest on that thing.
I thought it was like $78.
Speaker 2 (44:21):
It's been almost 30 years.
It should be no.
Speaker 1 (44:25):
I think you put an interest on it, probably the
next time I ask you.
Speaker 2 (44:27):
Oh, so you remember.
I think you're going to pay memy money, though.
Speaker 1 (44:30):
Probably the next time I ask you, you're probably
going to say $98.12.
You're going to keep adding,you're going to keep that $12,
but you're.
Oh Lord, have mercy.
Jesus, it says, do not keepoffenses, do not.
It was a good night tonight.
I had fun, but again, a lot oftimes we focus on the seven
(44:55):
deadly sins in the Bible, butthere's some things that we
should do within our marriageand these things will cause our
marriage to just go down, and wedon't want to do that.
We want to make sure we havehealthy marriages.
That's our goal.
One of the things in marriage inreal life is to make sure that
we are open, we're transparentto a point of how we are and
(45:15):
some of the things we wentthrough, and we're just here to
offer advice and to create ahealthy marriage for you and
your spouse.
That's what we want to do, andso I hope that some of the
things that we said tonightreally that you can, you and
your spouse can sit down andhave a conversation yeah,
because that's all about ishaving a conversation, and we
(45:37):
want to create a conversationbetween you and your spouse to
sit down and say what are thosethings that that we are not
doing?
Which of these deadly sins doyou think you need to work on?
Which one of them?
And so, if you are here.
I want you to just drop acomment, drop a chat, and let's
grow together.
That's what it's all about.
(45:57):
We in this thing together, babe, babe, oh man.
Speaker 2 (46:02):
We learning from you.
God is directing us A lot oftimes when you put things in the
chat and after the podcast,when we're sitting at dinner,
I'd be like you so-and-so saidwhat do you think about that?
I really like that, and then weget to just kind of coming up
with our dialogue on discussingit and what we took from it.
(46:22):
So your comments really do helpus a lot more than what you
think.
We appreciate it.
Speaker 1 (46:30):
Oh yes, we really.
I mean, I know I appreciate it,I know I do All right and I'm
putting them down here in thechat for people to, when they
come back they can go right towhat we talked about on the go
through them and before we gobut what we talked about.
Speaker 2 (46:45):
I'm going to go through them before we go.
What did Melissa say?
She said we need to talk.
Speaker 1 (46:51):
Is that what you said , bud, we need to talk All right
, here we go.
I'm going to do them in this.
I know one or two, I think Igot it mixed up here, but one
was really refusing to change.
Number two was assuming theworst.
Three was blaming.
Four was shutting down.
Oh, that's something I canrelate to.
Number five where was it?
Number five is fantasizing.
(47:12):
Number six is keeping yourmoney separate and number seven
is keeping track of offense.
All right, so those are theseven deadly sins of marriage.
And look the bottom line and yousaid it, we talked about it the
bottom line, how we say thatpride, how I said that pride is
(47:33):
the bottom one of all of thosewe talked about, that I would
say the bottom thing of all ofthat is communication,
communication.
If you communicate, you won'tbe assuming the worst, because
you're talking about it.
If you communicate, you won'trefuse to change, because you'll
be talking to each other aboutit.
You won't be blaming nobodybecause you communicate.
(47:55):
You won't be shutting downbecause you'll be talking Too
much.
Right, you won't be fantasizingand talking about somebody else
.
No, we're talking aboutourselves and we won't be
fantasizing and talking aboutsomebody else's marriage.
No, we're talking aboutourselves and we won't be
keeping our money separate.
We communicate and we'retalking about where the money's
going this, whatever, like thatand you can make a joke about it
.
Hey, I got my little somethingover here, whatever, and you're
fine with that.
I'm fine with that.
You won't keep track of it, forinstance, because you're
(48:16):
talking about it and everything.
Speaker 2 (48:23):
So I would say the bottom line the foundation of
all of these is communication,you agree.
I agree with you.
When I look at the ones thatyou mentioned from the Bible,
I'm like I think I can be a bitprideful sometimes.
Speaker 1 (48:33):
So I guess the question is is there a such
thing as good pride and badpride?
That's a question.
Is there such thing as goodpride and bad pride?
If anybody got that answer, letme know, because I firmly
believe there's a such thing asgood jealousy and bad jealousy.
I think good jealousy and goodjealousy strive you to be better
(48:56):
.
Bad jealousy tells I want whatyou want and I want to take what
you want and what you got.
So it doesn't strive me tobetter.
It doesn't strive me to better.
But good jealousy says you knowwhat I want.
I want what you want, but Idon't want to take what you want
.
I want to go through the stepsin order to get what you get.
That's my personal thing, allright.
(49:17):
So does anybody think there's athing here we got about?
We got three minutes?
Does anybody think that there'sa such thing as good pride or
bad pride?
What do you think?
Speaker 2 (49:28):
I think that when I say I can be prideful, I am.
I'm proud of theaccomplishments that I made.
I'm proud that I can pat myselfon the back and say, girl,
you're doing well.
Honestly, I am doing way betterthan what I thought I would be
and at this point in my life andI come from my background and I
(49:49):
don't boast about it, but Itestify about- it because I know
it was a goodness of the Lordthat has gotten me to where I am
today.
I'm proud about that and when Ishare it, I don't share it to be
boastful Right.
I share it as a.
I've come from a mighty longway, but it didn't come on my
own.
I always put God first and Ialways let people know that if
(50:10):
you don't know this girl fromthe hood, when I tell people my
background and where I'm from,they'd be like what.
Like for real, and I'm like,yeah, and like you said you
proud to be a.
Pahokian.
I am proud to be a Pahokian andyou should be, and I'm proud to
be from God's home.
I'm proud to be from across thetrack.
(50:32):
I am because if God couldchange me, if God can make thing
and make my cricket lettersstraight, then he can do it for
anybody in my neighborhood.
You either sold drugs or youdid drugs, and the very few
people in between you were theprayer warriors.
So I'm proud of that.
I'm gonna continue to be proudabout it and I don't see where
(50:55):
that could be a bad thing.
Speaker 1 (50:57):
But I don't know hey, I don't think that's, I don't
think that, I really don't thinkthat's, I don't think that, I
really don't think that's a badthing, babe.
Speaker 2 (51:04):
I really don't.
Hey Lucille, hey Lucille,Thanks for joining in.
Speaker 1 (51:05):
Hey, Melissa says communication and respect
awesome topic.
Okay, All right, Give a shoutout to Melissa.
Yay, hey, Lucille Jordan says Ithink you can be proud of your
marriage, but you don't need touse it to feel superior or put
others down.
Speaker 2 (51:21):
Yeah, yeah, that part right there, son, that part
right there.
Speaker 1 (51:28):
That's good.
I think you should be proud ofthe accomplishments of you and
your spouse have made Absolutely.
People may look at us and saybecause I talk about our kids
and their accomplishment intheir education and where they
are and what they've been doing,and I'm proud of them and, like
(51:49):
you said, I don't say it to beboastful.
Right, right I say it, to saythat look what they did.
Look, we didn't have no moneyand they did it all on their own
and they got the masters andRNs and management.
I mean they're doing all ofthese things.
And I'm not saying to beboastful, I'm just saying I am.
Speaker 2 (52:09):
Look at God.
Look at God.
Speaker 1 (52:11):
Yeah, look at God.
Look at God Because, honestly,there are some things we talk
about.
There are some things that wewanted to do for our kids that
we couldn't do because weweren't financially able to do.
And you look back and I said,man, I wish we were able to do
this and I wish we were able todo that.
But look how they came out,look what they did, and I'm so
proud of them.
And I'm not saying to beboastful, I'm just saying look
(52:34):
at God.
Speaker 2 (52:36):
But even saying, within the mayor, a lot of that
and they look like they justthis and they that.
But let me tell you we've beenin the fire.
Yeah, We've been scorched.
Speaker 1 (52:45):
Oh, God yes.
Speaker 2 (52:46):
By the grace of God.
Speaker 1 (52:48):
But the thing about it, we came out of the fire and
we didn't even smell like smoke.
Speaker 2 (52:52):
Nope.
Speaker 1 (52:53):
Why are you looking?
here, I'm going to stoppreaching here.
And that's just how things is,man.
When you believe in God in yourmarriage, when you believe in
God and you put God first, youwill go through hell and high
water, you will go into thelion's den, you will go into the
fire.
But when you go through thefire and you know that you trust
(53:22):
in God, even in the fire God iswith you in that fire, when you
come out, you will come out anddon't even smell like what
you've been through.
So that's why when people lookat us they don't even realize it
that we went through, becausewe don't smell like the things
that we've been through.
No remnants.
No remnants because of God.
And that's the only reason.
That's the only reason.
So that's why we often tellpeople put God first in your
marriage, put reason.
(53:42):
So that's why we often tellpeople put God first in your
marriage.
Put him first, put him first,don't put him last.
Put him first so when thethings happen, you'll be able to
walk out, put your head up andnot smell the night smoke.
Speaker 2 (53:51):
And do your part.
Put him first, do your part.
That's important.
You put him first and don't doyour part.
Speaker 1 (54:00):
We got to get out of here.
Speaker 2 (54:01):
Oh, yeah, yeah, okay.
Speaker 1 (54:02):
We'll be here, but thank you guys so much.
Thank you for joining us.
Please make sure you like andshare.
For those who Not watching usLive on YouTube, they'll be
listening to us On Apple Podcast, spotify, iheartradio All of
those things.
We appreciate you.
Yeah, staying this long andlistening to us have this
conversation and we hope thatyou can just download and watch
(54:24):
us.
Make sure you leave a five-starrating.
Please make sure you leave afive-star rating with that and
we just thank you so much forjoining with us tonight and we
just want to say good night andgood night.
Speaker 2 (54:37):
Good night.
Welcome to Marriage in Real Life.
Welcome, hey, yes, yes, we'reso glad that you could join us
this evening.
This is another time to behappy.
Speaker 2 (00:14):
Yes, it is.
Thank you so much for joiningus.
We're excited about the topictoday.
Speaker 1 (00:20):
Yes, I mean for those who don't know, my name is Eric
.
Speaker 2 (00:23):
And I'm Boss Lady P.
Speaker 1 (00:24):
And we're glad that you're joining us today.
If this is your first timeplease tell us where you're
watching from and put in yourcomments.
Let us know where you'rewatching from.
We would love to know thatWe've been getting a lot of
downloads too.
That's good.
We're well over a thousanddownloads, so that's good, all
right.
Speaker 2 (00:41):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (00:41):
Jesus.
Thank you Jesus.
Yeah, we're trying to move upin the top 40.
You know that's a good thing,wouldn't that?
Be so cool.
Yeah, that'd be great.
So we're so glad that you couldjoin us this evening live on
YouTube and, if you're listeningvia podcast, we thank you as
well.
So what's been happening theselast two weeks, these past few
weeks?
Speaker 2 (01:01):
Yeah, we these past few weeks.
Yeah, I was out sick.
Speaker 1 (01:03):
Yeah, you were sick.
Thank God you're doing good.
You're looking beautiful, asalways, baby, you're so
beautiful.
Yeah, yeah, you look beautiful,so I'm going to make sure I get
that right off the top, okay,and I know you're on spring
break.
Speaker 2 (01:17):
It helps when you relax.
Speaker 1 (01:19):
Remember we talked about mental health.
That helps in your mentalhealth.
Speaker 2 (01:22):
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (01:32):
Individually about mental health.
Speaker 2 (01:33):
That helps in your mental health, absolutely
individually, in a together, asa marriage.
Even I took the whole week off.
Can you believe that I can fromwork?
Yeah, that's it, definitelyfocusing on a lot of other stuff
.
Speaker 1 (01:37):
Yeah hey, it's a good thing we ain't got no church
sunday, so I don't have toprepare a message.
I don't have to do nothing likethat with church, so that's uh
that's a good thing, everything,everything works together for
the good that love the Lord.
Speaker 2 (01:51):
We're not having church here, but we will be
going to church and visitingsomewhere.
Speaker 1 (01:54):
Yes, yes, yes.
Speaker 2 (01:56):
We went to a concert in the park.
Speaker 1 (01:58):
Oh yeah, yeah, oh man , I was thinking about that, it
was not R&B, but it wasdefinitely pop 80s and 70s.
Speaker 2 (02:07):
And it was amazing.
We had a great time.
Speaker 1 (02:10):
Just to see the older people.
Man, oh man.
Speaker 2 (02:12):
They were dressed with their afros and their bell
bottoms and they were singingand dancing all over the place.
It was awesome.
Speaker 1 (02:19):
And it was all the Caucasian people too.
Speaker 2 (02:21):
Yeah, yeah, it was a few of us in the crowd.
Speaker 1 (02:23):
There was a few of us in there, but it was the
majority of them and just to seethem have fun and we danced a
little bit and yeah, it was fun.
You forgot about that?
Speaker 2 (02:29):
Yeah, I forgot all about that babe?
Speaker 1 (02:31):
Yeah, we had the church anniversary.
Hey gave you 13 years.
Yeah, 13 years 13 years, sowe're glad of that birthday.
Yeah, they moving on up.
Speaker 2 (02:44):
Juicy turned 11.
Alright, cookie turned 16.
And I believe Sugar Mama's oh,he's talking about Muffin turned
2 in February, but I believeSugar Mama's gonna be 21.
When, on the 29th, 29th, rightyeah, we getting older we went
by to see the great grandbabyyes sir, yes sir, she's a little
(03:05):
button man, oh Lord, we gettingolder, we went by to see the
great grandbaby yes sir, she's alittle button man.
Oh man, she's so short, she's alittle button, a little shorty.
Busy though.
Speaker 1 (03:10):
Yeah, yeah, Very busy I think she's taking after her
great granddad.
Speaker 2 (03:13):
You think so Her?
Speaker 1 (03:14):
mama's short too.
So, Erica's short too.
Yesterday it's been around 100years and just to see the, every
time I go to that church I'mvery, I just get blown away.
Just to know that I laid somebricks on that church, that
they're in right now churchgrounds?
(03:34):
Yeah, man and like we had totake the rocks and throw them
away and just we, I had a handin that.
So every time I go there I'mlike, oh so you helped build
that.
Speaker 2 (03:44):
Yeah, I helped build that, yeah, as a child yeah, as
a child I helped.
Speaker 1 (03:48):
Yeah, so that's history of the earth and I
always remember that hey, shoutout to pokey shout out like
bitch you said yesterday.
I'm gonna stop saying I'm froma little town.
I'm just saying, look, I amfrom pohokie, florida.
Speaker 2 (03:59):
Be proud, I'm a proper hokin oh, that's what
they call y All right?
Speaker 1 (04:05):
All right, we see Rob G is on the line.
Hey Rob, what's up, rob?
How you doing?
How you doing?
John Russell is there, allright?
So we thank God for each andevery one of you being here.
Please let us know.
Please vote as well.
Make sure you like and shareWhile we're talking.
Right now we're getting readyto get into the topic.
Just go ahead and share.
I'm pretty sure you have amarriage couple or even a single
(04:26):
person, so they can get readyfor marriage.
That needs to know about whatto avoid and we're talking, so
we want to get right into ourtopic tonight.
Are you ready?
Speaker 2 (04:35):
Yes, I'm ready.
Speaker 1 (04:38):
All right, we're talking about the seven deadly
sins of marriage.
Yeah, seven deadly sins ofmarriage.
Yeah, seven deadly sins ofmarriage.
Now we've been married foralmost 33 years and we learned a
thing or two along the way, butsometimes we learned the hard
way.
Speaker 2 (04:57):
This is definitely some hard times and some
learning yes, how could I saySome learning tasks that we had
to do tackling the seven deadlysins.
You know people think of whenthey say the seven deadly sins.
They think of stuff from theBible like pride and greed and
jealousy and stuff like thatlust?
Speaker 1 (05:18):
yeah, I looked that up.
I'm going to tell you these areall of them.
I'm going to get the seven.
I'm going to show you whatthese are, all love amid.
I'm going to get the seven.
Let me show you the seven.
Like you said lust, right,that's excessive desire for
sexual gratification.
Gluttony, that's a part of theseven deadly sins, right?
Speaker 2 (05:33):
You know what that gluttony?
Let's stop right there.
Gluttony doesn't always pertainto food, does it?
Speaker 1 (05:40):
Yes, it's overindulgence or
overconsumption of food anddrink.
Speaker 2 (05:45):
Okay, so alcoholic could be gluttony Because
overindulgence of that, or evenusing drugs.
Speaker 1 (05:53):
That could be a part of gluttony, because you're
overindulging what you'resupposed to be doing Right.
Then we get to greed, excessivedesire for material wealth or
possession, sloth have you everseen an animal sloth?
And so sloth is laziness,avoidance of work or duty.
Ooh boy, I tell you, yeah,wrath, intense and uncontrolled
(06:15):
anger or hatred.
Seven deadly sins Envy, jealousyor resentment towards other
success or possessions.
And then the last one is prideExcessive belief in one's
ability or qualities.
It is often considered the rootof all other sins.
Pride becomes for the fall, andso pride is considered the root
(06:38):
.
So oftentimes, preachers, wetalk about other things, but we
don't talk about gluttony.
We don't talk about pride a lot.
We don't talk about envy a lot,but we want to talk about other
things.
But we don't talk aboutgluttony.
We don't talk about pride a lot.
We don't talk about envy a lot,but we want to talk about other
things and so those are theseven deadly sins that's
mentioned in the bible.
Speaker 2 (06:53):
Deadly sins deadly sins wow yes, sir okay, so we're
gonna talk about some of thesilent, deadly sins that can
destroy or sabotage yourmarriage tonight.
So I'm excited about that, soyou just have to be careful.
Speaker 1 (07:09):
John Russell says I think gluttony goes beyond food.
Okay, all right.
Hey, amai, how you doing.
Okay, I can agree with that.
Yeah, yeah, goes beyond food.
You can have too much excess.
I would say excess of TV.
Speaker 2 (07:21):
Of anything that distracts you from God.
Speaker 1 (07:24):
Oh you boy, you preaching.
Can't wait to hear you on PalmSunday.
Speaker 2 (07:28):
That's why I asked, because in my study time I was
like I watch 600 Pound Life andI'm just like I can't understand
why these people indulge in somuch food.
And as I was sitting there andI don't know where it got me
came across when I said is itonly food?
I was like huh, I rememberGluttony came across when.
I said is it only food?
I?
Speaker 1 (07:45):
was like huh, I don't think it's only food Right,
right, right, right, I like that.
Speaker 2 (07:47):
So it's not just food , it can be anything Right.
Anything that overtakes ordistracts you, okay.
Speaker 1 (07:53):
All right, good to go .
Okay, today we're talking aboutthe habits that can silently
sabotage our marriage if you'renot careful.
If you're not careful if you'renot careful.
Oh boy, you got to be careful.
I like our podcast because it'sa conversation.
We don't lecture nobody.
We don't claim to know it all.
Right, we don't think becausewe've been married 44, I mean 44
(08:15):
.
Lord, I really.
Hey, somebody gave us an extra20 today, right?
You remember when we was at thebank, somebody gave us an extra
20 today.
And then, what you know, justtalking about that, remember
what, bishop?
You told me to write it downtoo and I put it in here.
Bishop yesterday said they'vebeen married 69 years.
(08:36):
Bishop.
Sylvester 69 years and he's beensaved 68 of those years.
And he's 90 years old.
And he looks good and he looksgood.
He always reminds me of my dad.
I already tell you that I justwant to give a shout out to
Bishop Sylvester Banks of BibleChurch of God.
He's the overseer, so I want togive a shout out to him.
Yeah, I'm sorry about jumpingin there, so let's jump into the
(08:56):
first deadly sin.
We just let's get hey, hellothere.
What's all the way from Atlanta?
All right, all right.
So the first deadly sin we wantto talk about is refusing to
change.
Refusing to change.
Speaker 2 (09:19):
That's a tough one, because sometimes it's like when
you get married you'd be like Iam who I am.
Take it or leave it.
This is what you married.
I'm here to stay.
There's no change.
Speaker 1 (09:31):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (09:31):
I can remember saying I'm from the hood and you don't
like it, you married the wrongchick.
Oh yeah, I was all in.
You remember that?
You know, I didn't want to hearwhat Eric had to say.
I was who I was.
I'm my grandmother'sgranddaughter.
I'm going to shoot from thehill.
I'm going to say what I want tosay, and you never really asked
(09:53):
me to change.
I just think once I got intoand deep in my relationship with
the Lord, it just startedchanging.
I don't even remember when itchanged, but I'm grateful that
it changed, that it changed.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, becauseit can cause so much friction
and I can remember it causing somuch friction between the two
of us like to the point where Idon't have nothing to say to you
(10:16):
.
I can literally be in the housewith you for a month and only
say yes, no, I don't know, Amonth, it was that long.
Speaker 1 (10:23):
Oh boy.
Sometimes, oh, wow, yeah, Imean, you know life happens and
if you dig your heels intosomething you refuse to grow,
then something is wrong, right,yeah, it can cause major
friction.
Maybe you have a short temper,right?
Or you can't unplug from workunplug from the church and so
(10:45):
when we go on through marriagesometimes those things in the
beginning they seem so minor.
Speaker 2 (10:49):
As life goes and you're lifing and different
things kids come into play newcareers, or you're going from
one job and now you're gettinginto your career, so you're
pouring yourself into that.
Sometimes things just you justget caught up.
Speaker 1 (11:04):
Yeah, you get caught up.
But Bible says be transformedby the renewing of our minds,
and marriage is one of the bestplaces for that to happen.
Speaker 2 (11:14):
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (11:15):
Right, that's one area where we had to grow.
Like you said, we had to grow.
Speaker 2 (11:18):
Everybody, and we're still growing oh thank God for
that.
Yes, we're still growing, soit's a process of learning one
another and be willing to shiftin a different direction to get
a better outcome.
Speaker 1 (11:31):
Right, right, right.
Because you remember last, Ithink last time we was talking
to the Stokes and I was sayingthat I'm a fixer, I love to fix
things right.
That's just me.
And I had to learn to changefrom that, from being a fixer to
a listener to you Right, and soI'm glad I did.
I could have refused to change,but thank God I did change that
(12:00):
.
That would have drove.
That would have drove a biggerwedge than we had if I just kept
doing it and doing it.
And sometimes you still have toremind me, say, hey, I just
want to talk to you, right.
Sometimes you still have toremind me Say, hey, I just want
to talk to you, right.
Speaker 2 (12:05):
Yes, I don't want you to fix it.
I don't want a solution, I justwant you to listen, just want
you to listen, sometimes I canfigure it out myself when I'm
speaking it out loud and I'mtelling you, I can figure it out
on my own, because sometimesthings get so caught up in
between our heads and we'rethinking, and then we don't
(12:31):
really solve it.
Speaker 1 (12:31):
So when we come to you as if we want to someone to
hear us out here.
Right, right, right, we figureit out along the way.
Yeah, you do, you do, you do so, man, sometimes our wives just
wants us to listen to them.
Uh, not fix everything, so,yeah, so that's the thing.
So our second, let's go to oursecond one.
Okay, all right.
So our first one was uh, neverrefusing to change.
Right, if you live long enough,you got to change.
Right, you could get you.
(12:53):
Just don't talk about I ain'tgonna change, nobody ain't gonna
change me, right, but if youlive long enough, you will
change because you love somebody, right, you're gonna change who
change?
You are not your true dna, yourindividual, but you're just how
you handle things.
You're gonna to change whochange.
Speaker 2 (13:04):
You are not your true dna, your individual, but
you're just how you handlethings.
Speaker 1 (13:07):
You're going to learn how to change more.
All right, so our second one isassuming the worse.
Assuming the worse, that is oursecond one assuming the verse.
Speaker 2 (13:20):
What do you mean when you say assuming the verse?
Speaker 1 (13:23):
when you start assuming your spouse has bad
intentions, you know you alwayseverything gets filtered through
that I assume that she's goingto say no on this Right.
That's the worst, instead ofasking so what happened?
Is that?
Now, everything that I come toyou, I'm already thinking that
you're going to say no, so I'mgoing to assume the worst and,
(13:45):
as filtered, now I'm going to goaround and tell people my wife
is just negative.
She's negative all the time.
She always say no, she alwayssay no.
So if I keep saying that andkeep repeating that in my mind,
right when I speak to you andask you certain questions, I've
already come to you thinkingthat you're going to always say
no.
I've already come to youthinking that you're going to
always say no, and that's how Iapproach things.
Speaker 2 (14:07):
Sometimes, given in the dynamic of things, if
someone comes, if someone cometo me and say, hey, I can't
really think of it.
But if somebody come to me andthey ask me something, something
that I know that you're goingto say no about, okay, is that
negative?
Speaker 1 (14:23):
No, that's not assuming the worst, assuming
like I say okay, okay, say itlike this.
Say I don't think I don't careabout your feelings, right,
right, I don't care about yourfeelings.
Then, no matter what I say,that's how you hear it Right, no
matter what I say, because youalready said that I don't care
about your feelings.
(14:44):
So if you've already got thatin your mind that I don't care
about your feelings, you'regoing to already have that
negative thought in your mindthat I don't care.
So, whatever I say, you'regoing to say yeah, you don't
care, you don't care, you don'tcare, even though I care, but
because you already assumed thewords that I don't care, the way
(15:04):
you approach me is I don't care.
Speaker 2 (15:10):
Right, yes.
Speaker 1 (15:11):
Right.
So that's why I said assumingthe worst.
If you think I'm going toalways say no when you approach
me, you're going to always saywhen you, I ain't talking about
nobody else, I'm talking aboutyou.
When you approach me, you'regoing to always say that Eric
going going to always say no,he's going to always say no and
that's going to be your mindset.
When, in essence, you assumethe worst without asking me.
(15:33):
And it could be yes, it couldbe yes, but you always think
it's going to be no.
So what happens?
You don't even ask.
Speaker 2 (15:40):
Only if you give me a reason to be negative, I'll be
negative.
I mean, I wouldn't just say,nah, I'm not even going to ask
him because I know what hisanswer is going to be.
If, in the fact that in thepast, your answer has always
been something negative, thenI'm going to be negative.
So that energy is going toliterally come from you, based
upon how I respond to being toassuming that you're just going
(16:03):
to be not positive.
Speaker 1 (16:04):
Without assuming, then that's not part of the
deadly sin.
That's not part of it.
Assuming takes action, thatI've done it so much time that
you assume that I'm going toalways do it.
That's when you say he mightsay it.
When you put the word he mightsay it.
You're not assuming the worst.
When you assume the worst, whenyou always think that negative
thing.
Speaker 2 (16:24):
Again.
I mean, I don't know you guyscan chime in on this, but again,
if every time I've come to youhave to give me a reason to have
that assumption, that's whatI'm saying.
I'm just not going to snatch itout of the sky and just be that
way.
It has to be something thatlead up to that.
Speaker 1 (16:43):
That's all I'm saying .
So you're saying an action byme caused you to assume the
worst.
Speaker 2 (16:49):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (16:50):
I don't think that's part of it.
I think you assumed it, justlike you always tell the girls
always ask me, don't assume thatI know, or assume this stuff
like that.
It was no action of you.
They just assumed that youwouldn't say something, that you
wouldn't do it.
It was no action of you.
They just assumed that youwouldn't say something, that you
wouldn't do it.
It was no action of you becauseyour action was always an open
book.
(17:11):
You can come to me anytime, butI'm assumed that mine will
understand.
They assume that it was no.
Your action didn't cause themto assume that you wouldn't
understand.
They just assume that youwouldn't understand because I
don't know why they assume thatyou didn't understand because
you always said I'm an open book, come and talk to me, I'm open.
So I would say not all the timeI say I can say I can agree
(17:34):
with you.
With that it may, but a lot oftimes in, I would say, in
marriages, you just assume thisperson is going to do something,
when exactly they're not.
Because you're constantlygrowing, I'm saying you're
constantly growing.
I'm saying you're constantlygrowing.
Speaker 2 (17:47):
I agree.
Speaker 1 (17:48):
So if you're constantly growing, don't assume
something because it happenedin the past.
I guess I can go with youBecause I was negative in the
past.
Don't assume it five yearslater that I'm going to always
be Now that I can roll with Okayall right that I can roll with.
Speaker 2 (18:05):
All right, all right, hey, cool.
Speaker 1 (18:11):
That's why I say hey, this is a conversation, I love
it.
Speaker 2 (18:13):
I'm just saying, because it's like greed, I won't
go and snatch something out ofthe past and say, oh, 10 years
ago he said no, he was this wayabout that.
No, I wouldn't do that.
But if it's something that'sconsistently been causing me to
feel that way, then I mean Right, right, right.
Speaker 1 (18:29):
So this is the gist of this.
So, instead of assuming theworst, ask questions, get
curious.
Speaker 2 (18:36):
Okay, I can roll with that.
Speaker 1 (18:37):
You can roll with that, I can, okay, all right.
All right, let me talk aboutthe third deadly sin.
Speaker 2 (18:44):
Blaming.
Speaker 1 (18:49):
That's the third deadly sin.
Now, that's easy to fall into.
When things go wrong, it feelsnatural to point the finger, but
blaming your spouse onlydeepens the divide.
And Jesus said it like thistake the plank out of your own
eye.
Out of your own eye.
In other words, you got tostart with yourself.
Speaker 2 (19:10):
I agree.
I also agree that there weretimes when I was like Lord, this
man that you gave me, he isthis, he is that.
What is going on?
This is not what I asked for.
Speaker 1 (19:24):
You were praying, like you was Moses, people that
you gave me man, I know I prayedfor this Lord and I don't know.
Speaker 2 (19:32):
I don't know how I'm gonna get through this.
But then I had started to say Iswitched it.
I switched the whole prayeraround and said Lord, created me
a clean house renew the rightspirit in me helped me to be a
good wife helped me to be a goodmom, guided me to be a good
listener, a partner, and when Istarted asking God to fix me,
(19:57):
then it was easier for me tounderstand where you were coming
from.
And in the same process of Godfixing me, he was changing
things with you.
Speaker 1 (20:07):
Yeah, he's working on me.
Speaker 2 (20:08):
So I took I had to pray for myself.
Speaker 1 (20:13):
That's it.
Speaker 2 (20:14):
I had to pray for myself.
I know you say I know you prayfor others, but more or less I
think what I was praying for youwas complaint, more or less
about you than praying for you.
Speaker 1 (20:25):
Oh, say that again, say that again.
Speaker 2 (20:28):
More of my prayers was about complaints versus for
you.
Yeah, you don't know what youjust said.
I can't remember.
You cut me off right in themiddle.
What did I say?
Speaker 1 (20:41):
I mean, you repeated it, but you just don't know the
gist of what you just said.
Speaker 2 (20:45):
I understand, because sometimes we get to complaining
, we get to prayer planning.
Should I say prayer planning toGod about I don't know what I'm
doing with this man or I don'tknow how this is going to happen
?
Yeah, we get so frustrated thatour genuine in our mind,
genuinely, we go to the Lord.
Lord, I just want you to touchmy husband and he would say you
(21:05):
know what he did and before youknow it, we're talking about all
of the negative things, andsometimes the negative things
are a few things in between, butwe don't say Lord, I thank you
that he loved me, I thank youthat he's kind.
Lord, I thank you that he founda good thing.
I thank you, God, that youstrengthen him every day, that
you cover him from his head tohis toe.
We can get caught up sometimes,but we have to look within
(21:26):
ourselves and sometimes theblame is us, because we so focus
on maybe careers, the children,cleaning the house, cooking,
Cooking.
Doing the stuff that societysays is our responsibility
Baking biscuits or whatever.
Sometimes we do blame.
We blame when we're tired, weblame because there's so much to
(21:49):
do.
Yeah, I can get that, but ifyou continue to point the blame,
it's going to always be adivision.
You got to be able to cometogether.
Speaker 1 (21:59):
I love it.
I love what you just said, man,that prayer planning.
That's exactly what we often do.
We want to say she ain't doingthis and she ain't doing that,
instead of looking at us and say, okay, what am I doing?
Because I'm a firm believer, aswe tell people in our
counseling is that, look, whenyou go down to Ephesians, don't
stop looking at what she'ssupposed to do.
(22:19):
Look at what you're supposed todo.
Just focus on what you'resupposed to do, because you talk
about submission, that uglyword that some people really
don't understand.
But if I am doing what God toldme to do love you as I, as
Christ loved the church, andcherish you and do all of these
things for you, then submissionis going to be no problem.
(22:41):
You often say that it's not.
As long as I follow Christ,you're going to follow me.
But I can't come up to you andsay you're supposed to be
submissive.
Now I done stepped into yourrole and telling you what to do,
right, and now what you'regoing to do.
You're going to say you'resupposed to love me and love the
Christ.
So not as an argument.
So let me do what I'm supposedto do.
Let me focus on that and let mepray for you.
(23:08):
Instead of complaining aboutyou, I need to be praying for
you.
That's what I need to do and,as spouses, stop complaining
about the person and pray forthe person, but make sure you
focus on yourself, becausenobody in a marriage is perfect
Nobody.
So look within yourselves, as Isaid, keep the plank out your
eye, look within yourself andsay, like you said Lord, create
in me.
David didn't say create innobody else.
(23:30):
He said create in me a cleanheart and renew the right spirit
.
Yeah, right.
And so, if I get right, I knowmy baby going to be right, right
, all right, amen, yeah, so whenwe both do our part, but it
does invite healing.
It and we both do our part, butit does invite healing.
Speaker 2 (23:47):
It does, it's healing it does and it just makes it
easy.
Not that there's not going tobe some ups and downs, but it
does make being in thatrelationship easier.
You can go to that person.
You can't be in a relationshipwith a person where you got to
be on eggshells and you can't goto them and tell them what
you're going through.
Right and how you're feelingYou'd be like nah, I ain't
sharing that with them.
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (24:06):
That's right, all right, so now we're at number
four.
Number four and I can relate tothis Seven deadly sins in
marriage.
Shutting down, shutting down.
I can relate to that.
Speaker 2 (24:25):
Sometimes people shut down to avoid conflict.
That's you.
Speaker 1 (24:30):
That's me.
Speaker 2 (24:32):
But when you shut down, you get from my point of
view.
I don't know about others, butwhen you shut down to me it's
like you don't care.
Speaker 1 (24:42):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (24:43):
It's like I don't care, Get over it.
She gonna keep going at it, butI ain't trying to hear that
right now.
That's what I see right right,I just assume that you don't
care.
Walls up, so if you're notgonna talk to me, I'm gonna go
in another room.
Okay, possibly close the door,because now I don't want to talk
to you, I don't want to see you, I want to be in the same room
(25:07):
with you.
Speaker 1 (25:08):
Oh man, that's not good.
Speaker 2 (25:10):
That's not good I mean earlier in our marriage,
where and not only that, likeit's always assumed that we want
to argue, we don't want toargue.
We want you to hear where we'recoming from.
We want you to listen and hearcompletely where we're coming
(25:31):
from.
We don't want to argue, justlike y'all don't want to argue,
but when y'all shut down, itmakes us shut down, and once we
shut down, we'll hold it.
We'll hold it.
Speaker 1 (25:41):
And shutting down to start putting up walls and, like
you say you want to talk.
Speaker 2 (25:47):
The communication has to be there in order for it to
work.
Speaker 1 (25:50):
Right, yeah, it has to be there.
You always say you talk aboutit.
The number one thing in anymarriage is communication.
Speaker 2 (25:59):
In most relationships .
Speaker 1 (26:02):
In most relationships .
Speaker 2 (26:02):
It's communication.
You have to know where theopposite person is coming from.
You got to be on the same page,you got to try and understand
where they're coming from andyou got to also be in a mode
sometime of compromise.
Speaker 1 (26:13):
Again, communication is just not talking,
Communication is listening.
That's the full round ofcommunication.
Speaker 2 (26:18):
Because now, like if I'm talking to Eric, I say now
you want to repeat that back?
Speaker 1 (26:21):
to me what did I say?
I say you don't need to say.
To repeat you said youunderstand understand what I'm
saying?
Speaker 2 (26:28):
no, because I don't want you.
Are you doing your activelistening?
Speaker 1 (26:31):
active listening active listening.
Speaker 2 (26:34):
It's so important and not just to be bossy or
anything but that that'sshutting down.
Yes, you know how the enemysneaks in.
When you shut down, don't eventalk about it.
What the enemy does?
He comes in and he reminds youof how the enemy sneaks in when
you shut down.
Speaker 1 (26:46):
Oof, don't even talk about it.
Speaker 2 (26:47):
What the enemy does?
He comes in and he reminds youof all the stuff from after the
I.
Do he start reminding you?
He be like oh yeah, I forgotabout that.
I'm serious.
You give the enemy so muchopportunity to sneak in right
there in that shutdown.
Speaker 1 (27:04):
Yeah, in that shutdown period and he get to
talking to you.
Speaker 2 (27:07):
Like that little devil on one shoulder and a
little angel, he get to talkingto you.
You remember that time he usedall the toothpaste.
Remember that time he didn'teven roll it up.
He didn't even change.
Just a little bitty nitpickingthings, and now, while you're
sitting there in the shutdown,you're getting madder and madder
, and that's what he wants.
He wants to destroy thecommunication so he can destroy
(27:27):
the foundation, so he candestroy the marriage.
Speaker 1 (27:30):
That's it, baby, you're talking.
And so Ephesians 4 and 26 saysdo not let the sun go down while
you're still angry.
That means deal with things,and I know we take it as I mean.
I ain't going to be angry.
Sometimes we take that scriptureand we say but I ain't gonna, I
ain't gonna go to bed with her.
So at one o'clock somethinghappens and we wait to 11
(27:51):
o'clock to deal with it becausewe don't want to go to bed with
it.
No, we need to understand thatscripture really means to deal
with things.
Right, then you know, deal withit.
That's what we need to do, andnot wait.
And not wait, deal with it.
Because you often say if youkeep not dealing with things,
let's think about this.
Like you said, if somethinghappened at 1 o'clock, you shut
down and you say I ain't goingto go to bed, I'm going to 11
(28:14):
o'clock, I'm going to talk toher Between 1 o'clock and 10.59
pm.
Boy, that mind is going crazy.
Yeah, it is.
So by the time you want to sitdown at 11 o'clock.
Oh no, it's too late now.
So you need to deal with itright away.
Speaker 2 (28:30):
I was thinking about that scripture that could be
using so many other things aboutnot letting the sun go down
while you're angry.
That could be like in prettymuch any relationship.
Speaker 1 (28:39):
Any relationship yeah .
Speaker 2 (28:41):
That was just like mothers and daughters, okay.
Speaker 1 (28:43):
Brother, yeah, yeah, it's like mothers and daughters.
Okay, yeah, it's your brother.
Speaker 2 (28:45):
Yeah, yeah, it's hard to sleep when you're upset with
someone.
You toss you turn, you toss,you turn and I guess you don't
get a good night's sleep becauseyou tossing and turning.
And I remember at one point Iused to say I go to sleep but I
wake up so tired it was becauseI had so much on my mind, many
things running through there,and I wasn't giving myself the
proper opportunity or time torejuvenate, to rest.
(29:08):
Even now, my watcher tell metake this moment to wind down.
You should definitely, youdefinitely should wind down, and
then don't sit down and waitfor the other person to go to
sleep first.
Speaker 1 (29:23):
Be like hmm, it's late, now you can go.
Jordan asked the question howwould someone stop shutting down
?
What do you think?
How would someone stop shuttingdown?
Speaker 2 (29:36):
Can I talk from my?
Speaker 1 (29:36):
experience.
My experience is that you gotto intentionally know that
shutting down is a problem.
Once you intentionally knowthat shutting down is a problem,
once you intentionally knowthat shutting down is a problem.
And again, like Lady Patsy said, I shut down because I wanted
to avoid conflict.
But out of that conflict comeanswers.
(29:58):
And once I realized that out ofthat conflict is going to come
answers, I'm going to hear her,she's going to hear me, and
we're going to be able to solvethe.
I'm going to hear her, she'sgoing to hear me, and we're
going to be able to solve theproblem.
I had to intentionally not shutdown.
So you have to disciplineyourself, that look for the
greater good and for the greatercause and for the marriage.
I got to not shut down.
(30:19):
I got to face the problem headon, right, and this is what I
need to do, and I need to notshut down.
So, on, right, and this is whatI need to do, and I need to not
shut down.
So when I want to shut down, Ineed to get back up.
Ok, baby, let's talk about this.
So that's what I would say.
Speaker 2 (30:31):
Yeah, one of the things he would say to me would
be how can I make this better?
What would you like to see fromme?
And when he would say that, I'dbe like, ok, he cares about my
feelings, he's not just blamingme and shutting down, he
actually wants my opinion on howhe could help me address
(30:52):
whatever the situation is.
And I found that like it tookyears.
It took years.
And when he finally said howwould you like for me to help
you in this, what could I do?
And I was like, and then Iwould go ahead and tell him.
So that's kind of how weaddress things now.
If I'm having an issue or ifwe're having a disagreement, he
knows.
If it gets to the point where Ijust can't be in the same space
(31:14):
with him, I go for a drive andwhen I come back is we good to
go.
But we don't sweep it under therug, we address it, right,
right.
We're addressing it in a more ofa calmer atmosphere.
Yeah, that's cool.
Speaker 1 (31:29):
I hope that answers your question.
Jordan, put it in there.
Make sure you let us know ifthat answers your question, all
right, all right.
Now the fifth deadly sin.
This guy, he could be taken outof context, right?
Speaker 2 (31:45):
This guy, he could be taken out of context, right?
The fifth deadly sin isfantasizing, right yeah.
Speaker 1 (31:52):
You may scratch my head.
You may scratch my head.
What do you think about thatfantasizing behavior?
Speaker 2 (31:57):
It could go farther than just being sexual.
Speaker 1 (31:59):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (32:00):
It could go way deeper than that.
It could be wishing your spouseor someone else longing for a
marriage that exists in yourimagination, like the picket
fence with the two kids and thedog and the cat, and you got to
build to those things and justdifferent aspects of what you
consider.
The perfect marriage isSomething they see on TV.
(32:22):
Something you, yeah, theHousewives of Atlanta, hip hop
Miami, and I think we get caughtup into what we see, especially
when we focus on what's outthere, but we have to remember
that we are not.
We're in this world, but we'renot of this world.
When we put God first.
He directs our path.
Speaker 1 (32:42):
And I wouldn't even go.
I know I put it on TV, butsometimes we fantasize about
other people's marriage, rightnext to us in church, even our
parents.
But, man, I wish my marriagewas like my parents, not knowing
that they had arguments.
They just didn't argue in frontof you.
I don't say fight, I don't sayfight.
They didn't argue in front ofyou.
I don't say fight, I don't sayfight.
(33:04):
They didn't argue in front ofyou.
They didn't do this in front ofyou.
Oh, they had problems, they gotsecrets, they got all these
issues, but you just don't knowabout it.
So sometimes we fantasize aboutthat, fantasize about people in
our church, and when we sayfantasize, not that man like
Bishop Sylvester at 69.
Well, I hope I can get to 69.
I live 90 and we can and I hopeI can get to that, and that's
(33:27):
not fantasizing, that's like man, that's a goal to get to.
But if I get to the point whereI want to fantasize at what it
would be like and what he wentthrough and I want my marriage
to be perfect like he is, I wantthis and I want that, no,
that's fantasizing and that iscompletely wrong.
Speaker 2 (33:45):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (33:46):
Completely wrong, because, again, you don't know
what that person went through.
Speaker 2 (33:51):
And I think every relationship, every marriage, is
going to go through some upsand downs.
Right, it's how you come out onthe winning side, how you
address that.
I would never I don't know.
I have never came across amarried couple that I would say
that I wish my marriage was likethat, because I'm too busy
trying to focus on my marriage.
I appreciate longevity, Iappreciate that they're still
(34:15):
together and that there's a goal.
Okay, if they could do it, wecould do it.
If God bought them to it, godcan bring us to it.
So I think I'm totally focusedon that.
Yeah, so I think that I thinkthe biggest thing would be in
this particular thing would besexual, would be.
No one wants to be compared tosomeone else.
(34:36):
No, definitely no woman wantsher husband to compare her to
his ex-wife, his girlfriend,first love.
None of that, we don't want.
None of that.
Speaker 1 (34:46):
I will tell you this before we get to the question,
Tyrone's question, before we getinto it.
I often tell guys a lot oftimes we have this ego problem,
Guys, we have an ego problem andoftentimes, when it comes down
to relations and you know whatI'm talking about we want to be
the first one because we haveegos, and we want to be the
(35:08):
first one we tell our wivesain't this the best you ever had
, Ain't this good?
When you say that, you laugh.
When you say that, what do youcause your wife to think?
Speaker 2 (35:24):
Right, you had a whole bunch of people.
Speaker 1 (35:26):
You causing your wife now to look back and compare
you to the rest of them.
Right?
You thinking that, oh, this isan ego thing I'm going to, but
what you're doing at thisparticular moment now, your wife
had to look back and say, ohyeah, but is she going back in
her memory?
Is she going to lie to you?
Or is she going back to hermemory?
And if she did have somebodybetter, she ain't going to say
(35:48):
it, but now she done thoughtabout the person that may have
been better, right?
So, sometimes, as an ego, stopasking questions and introducing
those things to our spouse.
Stop asking questions becausewhat you're doing, you're
introducing those things to ourspouse.
Wow, stop asking questions,because what you're doing,
you're introducing those thingsto our spouse.
To think about what happened inthe past, right, just focus on
(36:12):
the now.
Comparison yeah, you startcomparing yourself, Not
comparing yourself withrelations, how you handle things
or whatever.
Stop doing that.
Speaker 2 (36:22):
Okay, because, if you notice, we never ask y'all.
Speaker 1 (36:28):
We gots with it there , All right.
So let's deal with Tyrone.
We got a question.
So fantasies pull us out ofreality.
Tyrone says what do you do whenyou can't come to an agreement
before you go to bed?
What you think, baby, you wantme to handle it first and you go
, or what I think you shouldhandle it you should gosh yeah.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (36:47):
If you can't come to an agreement, before you go to
bed, pray, pray together.
Ask God to be in the midst ofthe decision, to help y'all come
to that agreement.
That way you've given it to Godand you can rest in peace.
Speaker 1 (37:03):
And.
Speaker 2 (37:03):
God will definitely give you a direction on how to
come to that agreement, butfirst you've got to let it.
If you've discussed it all dayand you ain't coming to no
conclusion about it, yeah, Ipray about it so you can rest
easy and rest.
Speaker 1 (37:18):
And I want to go a little farther on that as the
man, as the priest, as thepastor, the house people say
that you initiate it.
Come say, baby, I know we can'tcome to agreement, we got to
pray about this one.
I know you're mad at me, butyou're looking here.
We love each other.
First of all, we love eachother.
This ain't a divorce thing.
We need to just come toagreement.
(37:38):
So let's pray and hold hands.
I know you're mad at me, but,baby, I need you to hold my hand
and let us pray about it.
And again, you're not prayingto Lord, fix her.
Lord help us come to aresolution, and it don't have to
be no long prayer, because thelonger you pray, the longer you
start saying stuff that youdon't need to be saying.
(37:59):
So you say Lord, forgive us,lord, let us come through a
solution to this, guide us, weneed it, we need wisdom on this
thing.
Lord, help us.
And then just say Lord, we'reopening up our heart to you, and
sit there and let the Lord openup your heart.
All right, tyron, I hope thathelps.
Let me know if that answersyour question.
But I think that's good, baby,I love that.
(38:19):
I love that.
Speaker 2 (38:22):
All right, number six .
Number six Keeping your moneyseparate.
Whoa.
Speaker 1 (38:31):
Whoa, this one is huge.
This one is huge.
Keeping finances separate cancreate hidden areas in your
marriage, and Jesus said this.
He says where your treasure is,that your heart will be also.
So combining your financesisn't just practical, is an act
of unity.
And I would say on that that'sthe sheet.
(38:53):
We got a little script that weread and everything like that.
But I don't know, I think itall depends on what you agree
upon in the beginning.
Some couples they can keep theirmoney separate and have an
account where they pay out theirbills.
Right, they pay out.
They say, okay, everybody'sgoing to contribute to whatever
and we're going to pay out ourbills out of one account and
(39:14):
we're going to have a savingsaccount where we are saving up
for something.
So you have that, but we'regoing to keep a separate account
right.
The reason why I tell peoplesometimes I tell guys and I tell
women I said because if youjust have one account or two
accounts checking and savingswhen I want to buy you something
, I'm going to know, you'regoing to know how much it costs.
Speaker 2 (39:36):
Where you bought it from, where.
Speaker 1 (39:37):
I bought it from and I got to come to you.
I got to come and ask youpermission because this is our
joint account, right.
But if I have a checkingaccount for bills, a savings
account for us, that we savingup for a house, we saving up for
this and we're putting money init, whatever, and I have my own
little thing over here, what Ibuy from you, you don't even
know, right, you don't know howmuch it costs.
Speaker 2 (40:07):
You don't know where I buy it from, you don't?
You just don't know, you don'tknow.
So look for the receipts.
I wonder how much he paid forthis.
Oh, my goodness, I can'tbelieve he spent this much money
on this oh man.
Speaker 1 (40:20):
The papers say, when you combine everything, it
creates trust.
I mean, I think again, there'sa level of trust that you have
as far as the bills, as far asthe savings, that hey, you're
putting $100, I'm putting $100in.
Everybody knows both of themhave access to those two
accounts and you have access tothat trust.
(40:40):
But what I do and I keep mine,hey, I want to spend it on this.
I want to spend something onyou.
Speaker 2 (40:48):
I want to spend on that.
What she's saying is you got alittle something I don't know
about.
She's trying to say, bro, yougot a little something I don't
know about, hey.
Speaker 1 (40:58):
I keep a little something on the side, you ain't
wrong bro, just in case alittle something, a little
special occasion Valentine's Day, okay, birthday Anniversary,
christmas.
Let me shut my mouth, I'm donefor the night.
Speaker 2 (41:14):
Don't keep it going.
Speaker 1 (41:15):
I know you got a little something.
Speaker 2 (41:16):
Hey, you taught me well, I learned from the best.
Let me tell you something Inever had a bank account until
we got married.
Speaker 1 (41:26):
No.
Speaker 2 (41:27):
Nope, I never had a bank account.
My family didn't have bankaccounts.
We just did what we did.
I never had a bank accountuntil we got married.
Speaker 1 (41:35):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (41:36):
Man 33 years ago.
Speaker 1 (41:39):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (41:40):
Yeah, I knew how to balance it.
I knew how to add and subtract,but I just never had an account
.
But I don't hide anything fromyou.
You have access to all three.
Speaker 1 (41:52):
Hey, no, I don't have access to all of them because
every time I try to get on thatphone when you're trying to
access you what you looking at.
I what you licking it.
I know you got a littlesomething.
You saving up a littlesomething, just in case I do
like that.
No, no, no special occasionspecial occasion your birthday,
father's Day, christmas hey, Iwant to say to all the guys if
(42:18):
y'all been saving up for alittle something, just you know,
put a little hearts, put alittle hearts in the chat.
If you've been saving a littlesomething, just you know, put a
little hearts in the check.
If you've been saving a littlesomething, you got a little
something on the side, unlessyou don't want to tell your wife
that you got a little somethingon the side.
Speaker 2 (42:28):
But I agree, though, to know where you're going and
what's going down, the bills arebeing paid, and that account
together.
I think that's great.
I don't think it would causeyou to have any, as long as the
two of you agree, right, I thinkit's okay.
Speaker 1 (42:44):
Right?
Yeah, I think so too.
I think so too.
Make sure you like and share.
Please, Make sure you like andshare.
Like and share, All right, allright.
So let's keep your moneyseparate, All right.
And this is the final one.
And here we go Keeping track ofoffenses, Keeping track of
(43:09):
offenses.
Speaker 2 (43:10):
Because even Corinthians 13 and 5 says love
keeps no wrong, no record ofwrong, Forgiveness not being
easy.
It's not easy to forgive, butit's necessary for the strength
of the marriage the foundationof the marriage.
I used to hold stuff like thatagainst you oh man.
Yeah, Mr Player Player, youwere tampering me, oh man, you
(43:30):
were dogging me.
I used to say, boy, oh boy, oneof these days.
We're getting back, we'regetting back oh man, but I
matured in Christ.
A lot of things that I thoughtwas important became unimportant
.
Speaker 1 (43:47):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (43:47):
The most important was like getting the kids to
high school, getting the kidsinto college, getting the kids
out there productively.
That was my main focus.
Not to pay back and not tobring up.
Oh, you remember that time whenI let you borrow $78 to pay
your insurance on your car?
You never paid me back my money.
Speaker 1 (44:06):
That's it.
You've been keeping a fenceever since.
Speaker 2 (44:09):
And that was in 1989.
Speaker 1 (44:12):
We were dating and you still know the exact amount.
How much is it again?
Speaker 2 (44:16):
$87.52.
Speaker 1 (44:18):
I think you put an interest on that thing.
I thought it was like $78.
Speaker 2 (44:21):
It's been almost 30 years.
It should be no.
Speaker 1 (44:25):
I think you put an interest on it, probably the
next time I ask you.
Speaker 2 (44:27):
Oh, so you remember.
I think you're going to pay memy money, though.
Speaker 1 (44:30):
Probably the next time I ask you, you're probably
going to say $98.12.
You're going to keep adding,you're going to keep that $12,
but you're.
Oh Lord, have mercy.
Jesus, it says, do not keepoffenses, do not.
It was a good night tonight.
I had fun, but again, a lot oftimes we focus on the seven
(44:55):
deadly sins in the Bible, butthere's some things that we
should do within our marriageand these things will cause our
marriage to just go down, and wedon't want to do that.
We want to make sure we havehealthy marriages.
That's our goal.
One of the things in marriage inreal life is to make sure that
we are open, we're transparentto a point of how we are and
(45:15):
some of the things we wentthrough, and we're just here to
offer advice and to create ahealthy marriage for you and
your spouse.
That's what we want to do, andso I hope that some of the
things that we said tonightreally that you can, you and
your spouse can sit down andhave a conversation yeah,
because that's all about ishaving a conversation, and we
(45:37):
want to create a conversationbetween you and your spouse to
sit down and say what are thosethings that that we are not
doing?
Which of these deadly sins doyou think you need to work on?
Which one of them?
And so, if you are here.
I want you to just drop acomment, drop a chat, and let's
grow together.
That's what it's all about.
(45:57):
We in this thing together, babe, babe, oh man.
Speaker 2 (46:02):
We learning from you.
God is directing us A lot oftimes when you put things in the
chat and after the podcast,when we're sitting at dinner,
I'd be like you so-and-so saidwhat do you think about that?
I really like that, and then weget to just kind of coming up
with our dialogue on discussingit and what we took from it.
(46:22):
So your comments really do helpus a lot more than what you
think.
We appreciate it.
Speaker 1 (46:30):
Oh yes, we really.
I mean, I know I appreciate it,I know I do All right and I'm
putting them down here in thechat for people to, when they
come back they can go right towhat we talked about on the go
through them and before we gobut what we talked about.
Speaker 2 (46:45):
I'm going to go through them before we go.
What did Melissa say?
She said we need to talk.
Speaker 1 (46:51):
Is that what you said , bud, we need to talk All right
, here we go.
I'm going to do them in this.
I know one or two, I think Igot it mixed up here, but one
was really refusing to change.
Number two was assuming theworst.
Three was blaming.
Four was shutting down.
Oh, that's something I canrelate to.
Number five where was it?
Number five is fantasizing.
(47:12):
Number six is keeping yourmoney separate and number seven
is keeping track of offense.
All right, so those are theseven deadly sins of marriage.
And look the bottom line and yousaid it, we talked about it the
bottom line, how we say thatpride, how I said that pride is
(47:33):
the bottom one of all of thosewe talked about, that I would
say the bottom thing of all ofthat is communication,
communication.
If you communicate, you won'tbe assuming the worst, because
you're talking about it.
If you communicate, you won'trefuse to change, because you'll
be talking to each other aboutit.
You won't be blaming nobodybecause you communicate.
(47:55):
You won't be shutting downbecause you'll be talking Too
much.
Right, you won't be fantasizingand talking about somebody else
.
No, we're talking aboutourselves and we won't be
fantasizing and talking aboutsomebody else's marriage.
No, we're talking aboutourselves and we won't be
keeping our money separate.
We communicate and we'retalking about where the money's
going this, whatever, like thatand you can make a joke about it
.
Hey, I got my little somethingover here, whatever, and you're
fine with that.
I'm fine with that.
You won't keep track of it, forinstance, because you're
(48:16):
talking about it and everything.
Speaker 2 (48:23):
So I would say the bottom line the foundation of
all of these is communication,you agree.
I agree with you.
When I look at the ones thatyou mentioned from the Bible,
I'm like I think I can be a bitprideful sometimes.
Speaker 1 (48:33):
So I guess the question is is there a such
thing as good pride and badpride?
That's a question.
Is there such thing as goodpride and bad pride?
If anybody got that answer, letme know, because I firmly
believe there's a such thing asgood jealousy and bad jealousy.
I think good jealousy and goodjealousy strive you to be better
(48:56):
.
Bad jealousy tells I want whatyou want and I want to take what
you want and what you got.
So it doesn't strive me tobetter.
It doesn't strive me to better.
But good jealousy says you knowwhat I want.
I want what you want, but Idon't want to take what you want
.
I want to go through the stepsin order to get what you get.
That's my personal thing, allright.
(49:17):
So does anybody think there's athing here we got about?
We got three minutes?
Does anybody think that there'sa such thing as good pride or
bad pride?
What do you think?
Speaker 2 (49:28):
I think that when I say I can be prideful, I am.
I'm proud of theaccomplishments that I made.
I'm proud that I can pat myselfon the back and say, girl,
you're doing well.
Honestly, I am doing way betterthan what I thought I would be
and at this point in my life andI come from my background and I
(49:49):
don't boast about it, but Itestify about- it because I know
it was a goodness of the Lordthat has gotten me to where I am
today.
I'm proud about that and when Ishare it, I don't share it to be
boastful Right.
I share it as a.
I've come from a mighty longway, but it didn't come on my
own.
I always put God first and Ialways let people know that if
(50:10):
you don't know this girl fromthe hood, when I tell people my
background and where I'm from,they'd be like what.
Like for real, and I'm like,yeah, and like you said you
proud to be a.
Pahokian.
I am proud to be a Pahokian andyou should be, and I'm proud to
be from God's home.
I'm proud to be from across thetrack.
(50:32):
I am because if God couldchange me, if God can make thing
and make my cricket lettersstraight, then he can do it for
anybody in my neighborhood.
You either sold drugs or youdid drugs, and the very few
people in between you were theprayer warriors.
So I'm proud of that.
I'm gonna continue to be proudabout it and I don't see where
(50:55):
that could be a bad thing.
Speaker 1 (50:57):
But I don't know hey, I don't think that's, I don't
think that, I really don't thinkthat's, I don't think that, I
really don't think that's a badthing, babe.
Speaker 2 (51:04):
I really don't.
Hey Lucille, hey Lucille,Thanks for joining in.
Speaker 1 (51:05):
Hey, Melissa says communication and respect
awesome topic.
Okay, All right, Give a shoutout to Melissa.
Yay, hey, Lucille Jordan says Ithink you can be proud of your
marriage, but you don't need touse it to feel superior or put
others down.
Speaker 2 (51:21):
Yeah, yeah, that part right there, son, that part
right there.
Speaker 1 (51:28):
That's good.
I think you should be proud ofthe accomplishments of you and
your spouse have made Absolutely.
People may look at us and saybecause I talk about our kids
and their accomplishment intheir education and where they
are and what they've been doing,and I'm proud of them and, like
(51:49):
you said, I don't say it to beboastful.
Right, right I say it, to saythat look what they did.
Look, we didn't have no moneyand they did it all on their own
and they got the masters andRNs and management.
I mean they're doing all ofthese things.
And I'm not saying to beboastful, I'm just saying I am.
Speaker 2 (52:09):
Look at God.
Look at God.
Speaker 1 (52:11):
Yeah, look at God.
Look at God Because, honestly,there are some things we talk
about.
There are some things that wewanted to do for our kids that
we couldn't do because weweren't financially able to do.
And you look back and I said,man, I wish we were able to do
this and I wish we were able todo that.
But look how they came out,look what they did, and I'm so
proud of them.
And I'm not saying to beboastful, I'm just saying look
(52:34):
at God.
Speaker 2 (52:36):
But even saying, within the mayor, a lot of that
and they look like they justthis and they that.
But let me tell you we've beenin the fire.
Yeah, We've been scorched.
Speaker 1 (52:45):
Oh, God yes.
Speaker 2 (52:46):
By the grace of God.
Speaker 1 (52:48):
But the thing about it, we came out of the fire and
we didn't even smell like smoke.
Speaker 2 (52:52):
Nope.
Speaker 1 (52:53):
Why are you looking?
here, I'm going to stoppreaching here.
And that's just how things is,man.
When you believe in God in yourmarriage, when you believe in
God and you put God first, youwill go through hell and high
water, you will go into thelion's den, you will go into the
fire.
But when you go through thefire and you know that you trust
(53:22):
in God, even in the fire God iswith you in that fire, when you
come out, you will come out anddon't even smell like what
you've been through.
So that's why when people lookat us they don't even realize it
that we went through, becausewe don't smell like the things
that we've been through.
No remnants.
No remnants because of God.
And that's the only reason.
That's the only reason.
So that's why we often tellpeople put God first in your
marriage, put reason.
(53:42):
So that's why we often tellpeople put God first in your
marriage.
Put him first, put him first,don't put him last.
Put him first so when thethings happen, you'll be able to
walk out, put your head up andnot smell the night smoke.
Speaker 2 (53:51):
And do your part.
Put him first, do your part.
That's important.
You put him first and don't doyour part.
Speaker 1 (54:00):
We got to get out of here.
Speaker 2 (54:01):
Oh, yeah, yeah, okay.
Speaker 1 (54:02):
We'll be here, but thank you guys so much.
Thank you for joining us.
Please make sure you like andshare.
For those who Not watching usLive on YouTube, they'll be
listening to us On Apple Podcast, spotify, iheartradio All of
those things.
We appreciate you.
Yeah, staying this long andlistening to us have this
conversation and we hope thatyou can just download and watch
(54:24):
us.
Make sure you leave a five-starrating.
Please make sure you leave afive-star rating with that and
we just thank you so much forjoining with us tonight and we
just want to say good night andgood night.
Speaker 2 (54:37):
Good night.
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