October 30, 2025 • 39 mins
Send Questions or comments here! We'll respond back in future episodes.
The honeymoon glow doesn’t just dim; it gets crowded out by laundry, calendars, and the hum of everyday sameness. We unpack why the thrill fades around the two-and-a-half-year mark, how “tedious predictability” sneaks in, and what it really takes to bring back warmth, laughter, and desire. Along the way, we share our own missteps and small wins, plus a composite story of Jenna and Mark—a couple who love each other but feel more like co-managers than partners—to show how common and fixable this drift can be.
We dive into the science of novelty and bonding, the simple power of self-expanding activities, and why low-cost creativity often beats expensive plans. From picnics and hikes to bookstore dates and at-home tastings, we lay out practical ways to add freshness without straining the budget. For blended families, we talk candidly about ex-spouse stress, kid logistics, and the compressed honeymoon window—and how a clear, faith-centered order (God, spouse, kids, then everything else) protects intimacy in the storm.
You’ll hear clear warning signs that romance is fading, plus tools to reverse course: micro-affections that rebuild touch and play, weekly check-ins that keep you aligned, and the Yes/No/Maybe game that makes intimacy talk easier and more honest. We also map out a sustainable rhythm—weekly dates, periodic novelty, and small daily rituals—so passion becomes a practice, not a once-a-year event. If your marriage feels stuck on autopilot, this conversation offers a kind nudge and a detailed roadmap back to pursuit, connection, and joy.
If this helped you, subscribe, share it with a friend, and leave a quick review—your support helps more couples find their way from roommates back to soulmates.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Daniel Moore (00:05):
Now think back to the very start of your
marriages, the honeymoonchapter, when everything felt
new and full of potential.
During that time, your partnerlikely seemed flawless,
conflicts were minimal, passionwas high, physical connection
was effortless, and you saw eachother through a lens of hope
and joy.
Yet numerous studies suggestthat this phase doesn't last
(00:28):
forever.
In fact, some findings indicatethat this early stage of
emotional and physical intensitybegins to wane around the two
and a half year mark.
One poll even pinpointed theaverage honeymoon duration at
exactly two years, six months,and 25 days into marriage.
I mean, they nailed it down.
This week on Marriage Life andMore, we continue our series on
(00:52):
marriage reset, roommates tosoulmates near marriage, as we
get into episode seven.
We'll be back with that rightafter this.
I'm Daniel Moore, your host.
(01:42):
Thank you guys for joining usthis week.
And over here next to me, Ihave my beautiful co-host, my
wife Michelle.
Michelle Moore (01:48):
Hey, hey.
Daniel Moore (01:49):
Want to thank you guys for joining us this week.
If you're not familiar with ourshow, check out our website at
marriage lifeandmore.com for ourplatforms.
Our YouTube and Rumble linksare there.
Also on the ChristianPodcasting app at Edifi.
And we're also on your Alexaand Google Smart Devices.
You can also visit us on socialon Facebook, Instagram, and X
at CTGAPOnline.
If you're a fan of our show,please subscribe.
(02:11):
Feel free to leave a comment onour platforms and give us a
thumbs up or five-star review onApple Podcasts.
And we'd be eternally gratefulto you for doing that.
Well, as we get ready to startout this week, uh we do have
something to want to uh uhmention.
I know you guys have probablybeen seeing it on social media a
little bit, but we haveactually released a book and uh
(02:32):
just wanted to make sure thateverybody that's listening was
aware of that.
If you don't follow us onsocial media, uh we've got a
book out entitled Marriage as aMission: Living Out God's Design
for Your Marriage.
So you can go to our website,there's a link there to pick
that up, or you can go onAmazon, and that book also comes
with a six-session study guidethat you can purchase as well,
(02:55):
and that's good for couplestudy, or you can do group
studies if you'd like to dothat.
Um, we tried to put togethersome really good resources for
that, and we hope that that'llbe a blessing to you.
So go check that out.
You can get that in paperbackhardcover, or you can also get
it as Kindle on the actual bookitself.
And so there's several optionsthere that you can purchase
(03:17):
that.
So again, you can check thatout on Amazon or on our website.
Well, as I mentioned here inthe beginning, we are at episode
seven at this point in MarriageReset.
We're gonna go ahead and getinto that.
This week we're gonna betalking about three steps to
rekindling romance and passionin your marriage.
Michelle Moore (03:45):
One of the biggest passion killers in a
marriage is the onset of tediouspredictability, said Gary
Jackson.
In his timeless devotionalclassic, My Utmost Forest
Highest, Oswald Chambersobserved that healthy human
nature craves excitement.
(04:06):
If we don't find it in ameaningful and righteous ways,
we can often seek it in anharmful or misguided one.
Chambers emphasized that Goddoesn't create emotionless
followers.
Instead, he shapes us intodeeply passionate individuals.
This concept of being emotionaland alive in our faith is
(04:29):
compelling.
It's a reflection of a God wholoves with deep intensity.
God's love for us is generousand endless, it never runs dry,
and nothing on earth can stripit away.
He cherishes us with delightand even celebrates us in a
song.
It's hard to fully understandjust how immense and boundless
(04:53):
his love really is.
The fervor and joy in God'slove are unmistakable, abundant,
enduring, and full of life.
Naturally, we long for thatsame vibrant passion in our
marriages.
Isn't that part of what drew usto each other in the first
place?
At a wedding we attended notlong ago, we watched the bride
(05:18):
and groom joyfully sharingpledges to keep their
relationship filled withexcitement, discovery,
affection, and passion.
That vision of never-endingpassion is enchanting,
especially if you've ever readthe powerful verses from Song of
Solomon.
Love is as strong as death, itspassion as unyielding as the
(05:42):
grave.
It burns like blazing fire,like a divine flame.
Waters cannot extinguish love.
Rivers cannot sweep it away.
These poetic words stir up highhopes for a fiery and enduring
love.
Yet reality is set in everycouple.
Marriages go through rhythms,some exhilarating, some quite
(06:05):
challenging.
For many, the intense desireand excitement seems to diminish
over time.
But what causes this shift?
Why does that fire that oncefelt so bright begin to seem
more like a memory?
Daniel Moore (06:21):
So as we start out this week talking about
rekindling romance and passion,I think the as we've been
talking about this subject ofroommates to soulmates, this is
definitely something that youhave that couples fight with
when they get into thatsituation of feeling that
distance between each other.
And would you agree that youknow sometimes it seems like
(06:46):
after time that it does seem tokind of change for some people?
I don't know.
And and I think that it that isthat's not just a marriage
thing, you know, that that'sjust kind of a natural walk of
life.
Michelle Moore (07:01):
Yeah.
Daniel Moore (07:02):
You know, I think it seems like that all in all
aspects of our life that welive, that something that's very
common, after a while we seemto take that for granted.
It just seems like that's howwe operate sometimes.
Michelle Moore (07:15):
I would definitely say so.
Daniel Moore (07:17):
And unfortunately, you know, sometimes you can get
by with letting that happenbecause it's things that aren't
all that important.
But when it comes to arelationship, that's something
that's kind of dangerous, youknow, if you let that start
taking place in your marriagewhere you start taking each
other for granted and thinkingthat that's normal, you know.
Uh so there does come a pointin our marriages where if that
(07:40):
starts happening and we start,you know, having that distance,
we start feeling that betweeneach other, then that should be
a warning sign that, hey, weneed to probably do something
here.
You know, we got something thatwe really need to fix.
And there is a term for that,it's called tedious
predictability.
And as we're discussing here,there is a common belief that
(08:02):
the more familiar we become withsomeone, the less we appreciate
them.
The classic idea thatfamiliarity breeds contempt, but
more often than not, ratherthan growing resentful, we
slowly grow indifferent.
In many cases, couples putsignificant effort into winning
each other's hearts early on,but eventually, comfort sets in
(08:22):
and that initial energy fades.
The pursuit ends and the focusshifts to the demands of
everyday life.
In this state of settledcomfort, it becomes easy to
direct energy elsewhere intocareers, parenting, or personal
interest, while the marriagequietly slips into the
background.
Soon the relationship starts tofeel dull compared to new, more
(08:45):
stimulating areas of life.
And in reading all of that, Ican look back on our
relationship, and as we'vetalked before, and you know,
with our testimony and thedifferent episodes that we've
been doing here, you know, welet ourselves get to that spot.
Um, we start letting thecareers, the parenting, personal
(09:08):
interest, you know, we let's westart letting some of that
stuff.
Michelle Moore (09:10):
And I think that's normal in a lot of
marriages, to be quite honest.
I mean, life happens.
So I do think that, I mean,most people, I mean, when you I
I want to say it's it's kind oflike a rut.
You're like just walking in aseason and it's you know the
same.
There's no ex I wouldn't sayexcitement or anything bad
(09:33):
happening.
It's just I feel like it couldbe a rut that you're falling
through.
But I think a lot of couples gothrough that because they are
busy.
And it could be not just withkids, it could be ministry, it
could be min, it could could bea lot that's taking each other's
time instead of solely focusingon the marriage.
Daniel Moore (09:51):
Yeah.
And so I think the thing hereis is we have to figure out what
that balance is.
Yeah.
Because we can't let that thatslide totally consume us.
We still have to nurture ourmarriage.
You know, we can't can't justignore the one so that the other
one takes over.
You have to find a balance, youknow, to and is it truly
(10:11):
ignore?
Michelle Moore (10:13):
I mean, I'm just kind of being like kind of
coming back at yeah, sorry.
So I'm just kind of throwingthis.
But is it really trulysometimes I don't think it's
necessarily ignore, it's thefact that that person is busy
and it may be out of sight, outof mind.
Daniel Moore (10:28):
Yeah.
Michelle Moore (10:29):
So do you consider that ignoring?
Well, I in your perspective?
Daniel Moore (10:33):
I consider it a negligence.
Michelle Moore (10:34):
Okay.
Daniel Moore (10:35):
Because me and you were there.
I mean, we we let the stuffcome in and consume our time,
and we did we were notintentional on making sure that
you and I had our time in ourrelationship.
Uh, we let other things takethe place of what we were
supposed to be nurturing betweenthe two of us.
(10:56):
And we both saw how easy thatcan happen.
And in all reality, there's nota marriage anywhere that God
has ever condoned that you allowthat to take place in your
marriage.
Uh, we've always, you know, asyou study the Bible, he's very
clear on the order.
It's him, uh, your spouse, thenyour kids, then everything
(11:17):
else.
He's very clear on that.
Yeah.
And so I think it's God'sintention that no matter what
comes our way, what kind ofbusyness life throws at us, uh,
whatever kinds ofresponsibilities that we take on
and add to our plate, I thinkGod still expects us to make
sure we don't forget us and wedon't, you know, be negligent to
(11:38):
the fact that we don't takecare of our relationship.
Right.
Because otherwise we get tothis rut and we let our
relationship get stagnant.
And it kind of brings us intothis, the strangers, you know,
kind of look where we're notreally meeting each other's
needs.
Michelle Moore (11:56):
Right.
Daniel Moore (11:56):
And then you start having issues when one of them,
when one person in therelationship starts realizing
that that's flipping away andthey start missing some of those
things, but the other spousedoesn't see it, you know, they
think, oh, we just got to takecare of the kids.
We just got life, we'remarried, this is what it's all
about.
And yeah, marriage is kind ofabout that, but at the same
time, God wants us to take careof ourselves as well.
(12:18):
We have an example here of acouple named Jenna and Mark.
They were married for a decadewith two young children.
(12:39):
They began with a relationshipfull of fun, frequent date
nights, spontaneous laughter,and plenty of affection.
They were deeply connected,constantly expressing love.
But over time, especially afterthe kids arrived, their lives
became a whirlwind of to-dolists, carpools, job demands,
and housework.
Time together started revolvingexclusively around the children
(13:00):
and their daily task.
Their physical intimacy faded,and uninterrupted moments alone
became rare.
Jenna finds herself longing forthe spark they once had,
saying, I still love Mark, butthe fire just isn't there
anymore.
Mark, on the other hand, thinksthis season of emotional
distance is normal.
It's just a stage we're goingthrough, he reassures her.
(13:22):
And that's where couples oftenfall into trouble.
Not because they don't loveeach other, and that's not
really what we're saying here,you know, when you get into this
rut and this this you know,this mode of life where we kind
of put each other to the sidejust a little bit.
It's not that the love is gone,but because, you know, they
assume the emotional distance orloss of passion is just part of
(13:43):
the routine.
And I think a lot of times wesee other couples going through
it, and we think, well, they'regoing through it too, so this
must just be the way it is.
You know, we're not the onlyones out there going through
this, and it can kind of be, youknow, a false positive in a lot
of in a lot of ways towardsyour marriage because just
because the other people aroundyou, their relationships are
(14:05):
like that doesn't mean that'sreally the way God intended it.
And so we have to be carefulwith that.
So the truth is what Jenna andMark are facing is extremely
common.
After the magical beginning ofmarriage, couples tend to slip
into what many experts refer toas the ordinary.
As one relationship expertexplains, extensive research
(14:26):
shows that romantic intensitynaturally declines in long-term
relationships.
The excitement of early love,feeling thrilled by your
partner, sparks flying, everymoment feeling special begins to
fade, replaced by steadyfamiliar affection that lacks
novelty.
Now think back to the verystart of your marriages, the
(14:47):
honeymoon chapter, wheneverything felt new and full of
potential.
During that time, your partnerlikely seemed flawless.
Conflicts were minimal, passionwas high, physical connection
was effortless, and you saw eachother through a lens of hope
and joy.
Yet numerous studies suggestthat this phase doesn't last
forever.
In fact, some findings indicatethat this early stage of
(15:10):
emotional and physical intensitybegins to wane around the two
and a half year mark.
One poll even pinpointed theaverage honeymoon duration at
exactly two years, six months,and twenty five days into
marriage.
I mean, they nailed it down.
For many couples like Jenna andMark, there's a noticeable
decline in satisfaction afterthat point.
(15:31):
As I think about us, how longdo you think our honeymoon
lasted?
Our honeymoon phase, quoteunquote.
Michelle Moore (15:40):
Well, you want me to be honest?
Daniel Moore (15:44):
Yeah, I want you to be honest.
Michelle Moore (15:46):
It wasn't very long.
I'm just gonna say that.
It wasn't very long.
Just because reality hit us inthe face right at the very
beginning.
So many things went downhillrather quickly.
Daniel Moore (15:59):
And here's and here's something I'll say about
that.
I think probably the blendedfamily is another scenario that
really throws an extra wrenchinto the situation because it's
one thing to be in your firstmarriage where there's no kids,
probably not really any petsnecessarily.
A lot of people don't have petswhen they first get married.
Some do, but a lot a lot don't.
So you're you know, you getmarried, you come into your
(16:20):
home, you're by yourselves, andyou have all this time just to
devote to each other and figureeach other out, you know, and so
you you go through time untilyou finally have your first
child, whenever that may be.
And so, you know, I know thatwith that type of situation, you
have a lot more opportunity tostay close and really enjoy each
other together and your timeand that kind of thing.
(16:41):
So I think the honeymoon phasein those situations most
generally could probably last awhile.
But when you have kids already,let's say you've already been
married, you're divorced, youcome into a blended family
situation and you have children,that you're especially if both
sides have kids and you'retrying to mesh those together,
just from our experience, Ithink that you can kind of see
(17:01):
that probably go away a lotfaster because there's no
manual, as we've talked before,on how to be a blended family.
So a lot of times as soon asyou start putting everybody
together and they all startclashing and personality um
conflicts and whatever it maybe, that we start having a lot
of issues pretty pretty soon inthe marriage, just a lot quicker
(17:24):
than what they typically wouldbe.
What do you what do you thinkon that?
Michelle Moore (17:28):
I'd agree with that.
Daniel Moore (17:33):
Exes, you know, putting the kids together, just
the different issues.
Uh it it starts wearing on youreally quick.
Michelle Moore (17:40):
Yeah, it does.
Daniel Moore (17:41):
You know.
And so, and even if you datesomebody for quite a while, uh,
I still think that in a lot ofin a lot of ways, you still
really don't know what you'regetting yourself into when
you're actually going to getmarried and bring everybody
under the same roof.
Michelle Moore (17:56):
I would agree with that.
Daniel Moore (17:57):
Um, I think that there's a lot of things there
that we just don't think about.
And so, yeah, I could seewhere, you know, this honeymoon
stage could go out the windowpretty quickly.
And then all of a sudden, youknow, what we did have when we
were dating, the fireworks andall the different things that
were taking place at that time,it just seems like they were a
(18:19):
distant memory, you know, andlife starts happening, you move
on and just get into thatroutine, yeah, that ordinary
routine, as it says.
Uh so you know, why does thatwhy does this happen?
And, you know, it's not usuallybecause something went wrong,
it's because we grow used toeach other.
The thrill of discovery, thejoy of new shared moments, and
(18:39):
the freshness of intimacy startto give way to habit, schedules,
and everyday normality.
As one author put it, in thebeginning, couples tend to
engage in lots of novel andexciting activities together,
what researchers callself-expanding activities.
They dress up for dates, theyexplore new parts of the city,
they try each other's hobbies,and they have engaging
(19:02):
discussions with each other.
As time goes on, though, it canbe easy for long-term couples
to fall in such a routine thatthey stop doing fun new things
together.
And what does that do?
Michelle Moore (19:13):
Leaks the boredom.
Which I was kind of I kind oflaughed a little bit because I'm
like, oh, they dress up fordates.
Daniel Moore (19:22):
Since when?
Michelle Moore (19:26):
We don't.
Daniel Moore (19:27):
Oh no, we don't.
Not anymore.
Michelle Moore (19:30):
We haven't in a very long time.
Daniel Moore (19:33):
Yeah.
Michelle Moore (19:34):
But we do try new things together.
Daniel Moore (19:36):
We do again now, yes.
Michelle Moore (19:38):
Yeah.
Daniel Moore (19:38):
And you know, something else I can think of
right now too that could causethis is you know, financial
stuff.
Michelle Moore (19:44):
Oh, absolutely.
Daniel Moore (19:45):
Because it does, if you do go do new things and
you explore places and whatever,unfortunately, a lot of times
that takes money.
Yeah, you know.
And if you start havingchildren, if you're, you know,
new in your careers or whateverit may be, you know, you may not
have a whole lot of extra moneyleft over.
And so if if you're one ofthose type of people that likes
(20:07):
to travel around and see newthings together or whatever,
that could put a little bit of akink in that as time goes
along, as you get more bills orwhatever it may be, your
expenses start going up.
You know, I could see thatbeing an issue.
Michelle Moore (20:20):
Well, I know we struggled with that.
Daniel Moore (20:21):
We did.
Michelle Moore (20:22):
And there's just like I I always tried to find I
don't know.
I just I looked to try to findthe best in what we're situation
we were in.
So, you know, I would some ofyou people might know where this
is at, but we'd go to thePoaring River, go hiking, we'd
do a little picnic, make somefried chicken, we'd enjoy just
(20:44):
spending a couple hourstogether, or we'd go to the
park, you know, cheap date, youknow, something you can pack a
sandwich.
And I think that meant more tome than doing nothing at all.
You know, just getting away alittle bit because we didn't
have the extra money.
Yeah.
And I know one year for yourbirthday I did a little coupon
book.
Daniel Moore (21:02):
Yeah.
Michelle Moore (21:02):
You know, free washer truck, you know.
Daniel Moore (21:04):
I actually still have that.
You probably didn't know that,but I do.
Michelle Moore (21:08):
I think I do.
It's in the little box.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That we keep some of it.
We used to write notes to eachother, used to do cards, you
know, we had we saved a lot ofit.
Daniel Moore (21:17):
Yeah.
Michelle Moore (21:18):
So yeah, yeah.
So I mean, if it's financiallyis, you know, obviously you
can't go take a trip, but youcan do small things around your
hometown.
That just means a lot to you,you know, or your spouse.
Daniel Moore (21:30):
Yeah, and I think one of the dates that I always
remember, it stands out vivid inmy mind.
And I think it probably does sobecause it was it was in that
time frame when we were tryingto rebuild our relationship, I
think.
But we'd went to Roaring Riverand took KFC with us.
Michelle Moore (21:46):
We I'm I I actually made the fridge fried
chicken.
Daniel Moore (21:49):
Oh, did you make it homemade?
Okay.
I was thinking it's KFC forsome reason.
Michelle Moore (21:53):
Yeah, you I made some chicken strips and some
chicken.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Daniel Moore (21:57):
And I knew it was chicken.
I remember that part.
Michelle Moore (21:59):
Yeah, that's the that's the lunch I'm talking
about.
That's the exact same one.
Daniel Moore (22:03):
Yeah, I always remember that.
Michelle Moore (22:05):
And you know, mine I that I always remember.
Daniel Moore (22:08):
That's good memories.
You know, that's good thingsthat you can have that you can
hold on to and hold those dear.
And you as you do those things,they build on each other, you
know.
Yes, you're gonna havedowntimes in between, it's just
gonna happen.
You know, that's life.
But the whole the whole goal ofthat is just to make sure that
those downtimes don't keep youdown.
(22:28):
Right.
You know, you have to do morethings to try to bring that back
up and and do it better, youknow, the next time and get back
to where you were.
So um, as we were talkingthere, you know, with what that
author was saying, the couplestill cares deeply for each
other, yet with time they growso used to one another that they
stop truly noticing orappreciating what made their
(22:50):
connection so special.
As comfort and routine takeover, the intensity and
excitement that they once feltbegins to fade.
What was once thrilling andfull of pursuit becomes
repetitive and expected.
In the early stages, there'sintentional effort, such as
dates, thoughtful gestures,late-night conversations, kind
of like what you were justtalking about just a while ago.
(23:11):
But eventually that energygives way to calendars,
commitments, andresponsibilities.
Michelle Moore (23:16):
Yeah.
Daniel Moore (23:16):
The relationship can slowly shift from romantic
partnership to something thatfeels more like managing a
household together.
Michelle Moore (23:23):
Yep.
Daniel Moore (23:23):
And as days become filled with chores, jobs,
parenting duties, and financialconcerns, it's easy to see why
couples start feelingdisconnected and even bored in
their marriage.
And I was thinking there, youknow, how it was saying that uh
sometimes it can feel likeyou're just managing a household
together.
I think sometimes too, it canalmost feel like a burden
(23:44):
because it's not there anymore.
And in the back of your mind,you probably both realize it to
a point.
It's just not the same as itused to be.
But yet, if when you want totry to do something outside the
box, all you can think of is allthese responsibilities that are
on top of you as a couple andtrying to run your home, trying
to pay the bills, trying to makesure the kids are getting here
and there and everywhere, andall this stuff, and it just it
(24:06):
kind of blinds us to a pointwhere we think, well, we just
don't have the time.
You know, how are we ever goingto make the moments to be able
to do this stuff that's specialto us?
And we make up these excuses ofwhy we can't do it, so it never
happens.
You know, and I because I feellike there was a time with us
that, you know, I think we didrealize what was going on, but
(24:28):
we had so much financial issuesand then just the issues with
our children, the exes, just thedifferent things that was going
on in our life.
Uh, you know, of course, withdivorces and stuff, there's
always a lot of court activity,it seems like, throughout the
years.
We had a lot of that.
And it does.
It just seems like that's justa burden on your shoulders
(24:49):
sometimes, and it exhausts you.
And it just puts you to a pointwhere you know you need to fix
it, but you're you just don'tfeel like you can, you know, and
that's a that's a horribleplace to be.
I'm sure some of you guys outthere probably already know what
(25:37):
those are.
As you've been listening to usramble on about this here today,
I'm sure you've already beenprobably thinking about things
in your own relationships.
But uh, we're gonna go throughthis little list here.
Michelle, why don't you uh giveus the first couple there?
Michelle Moore (25:51):
Yeah.
The romance has disappeared,marriage is no longer exciting,
that spark has fizzled, themarriage feels boring.
Passion has slowly faded intosilent routines.
You've stopped flirting, you nolonger kiss passionately, and
(26:12):
nothing is spontaneous anymore.
Daniel Moore (26:15):
Boy, I can resignate with the majority of
those.
And I think you know, some ofthem play off of each other.
When you stop flirting or youno longer kiss passionately,
that can definitely lead to thatromance disappearing and it can
cause that marriage to nolonger feel exciting and that
(26:36):
spark to fizzle for it to fit itit all those really kind of
play along with each other andwhen you when you look at that.
And you know, I think that thisis definitely something that
it's taken us some time.
I think that we do a lot betternow uh with a lot of these
things than what we did in thepast.
(26:56):
Oh, absolutely.
Um we had to be in and so andhow did we make this happen?
We had to be intentional.
Michelle Moore (27:02):
That's what I was getting ready to say,
intentional is the word.
Daniel Moore (27:05):
Yeah, so when we started working back towards
that, what are some of thethings that you can remember
that we've had to go through toget our to reverse a lot of
these things in our ownrelationship?
Michelle Moore (27:16):
Well, I think like one of the things that you
know, you stop flirting, youknow.
There's a lot of times that wejust really honestly, if we
stopped everything, I mean, butto get back to it to be
intentional, it would be likeyou know, walk by, slowly touch
(27:37):
your hand, or you know, tap youon the rear, or you know, write
you a little love note.
It had to be intentional allthe way.
Um like um one of the thingsthat you know the romance had
disappeared.
You know, there are so manythings that you can put in that
(27:59):
and the romance has disappeared.
I mean, honestly, that's prettymuch everything that's listed
below it.
But you know, for you to sayevery day, you tell me you loved
me, you could give me a kiss nomatter what, you know, and you
know, one of my biggest thingsis to just cuddle, like I love
to cuddle.
Your intentions of always justcoming in and just making sure
(28:21):
that I the love, the kiss, thecuddling, and I know some of the
things that you like, so myintention to do that that brings
back that spark, you know.
And I'm not really a big personon certain things, but you are,
(28:43):
yeah.
So I have to open my mind toallow you to do that so that the
intentional flirting, the love,everything comes back to play.
I mean, that's the whole partis me giving for you and you
giving for me and steppingeverything aside and us focusing
(29:03):
on each other.
Daniel Moore (29:04):
Yeah, that's good.
And something I wanted to thatI just thought of here, I wanted
to throw in.
I was listening to a podcastthis week, and they were
actually talking about somethingthat actually works kind of
well here because some some ofyou guys listening out there,
you may be in this spot rightnow where you can actually
resonate with all these thingsthat Michelle just shared.
(29:25):
You are you are seeing this inyour relationship right now.
But I think one thing that Ialso think when spouses are
together for a while and theyget into that rut situation
where it starts getting boringand that kind of thing, I think
a lot of times we kind of forgetwhat each spouse wants also.
And we kind of forget whatthose triggers are that sparks
(29:49):
that romance for because we'renot we're not the same.
You know, we've discussed thisbefore.
There's things that you like,there's things that I like,
yeah, and they're usually notthe same thing.
Some of them might be, but wehave other.
Things that are not.
And one thing that they weretalking about was in order to
rekindle the relationship, ifit's gotten to a stagnant spot,
(30:11):
you can play a game they werethey were calling yes, no, and
maybe.
And basically what this was isbetween each spouse, uh, one
spouse could ask, you know, likeme, I could ask you, uh, well,
what's the one thing that if Icame when I came home from work
every evening, was the one thingthat you would like most for me
(30:32):
to do for you?
And then you would tell me thatanswer, and then I I'd have the
responses.
I have yes, no, or maybe.
That would be the responses Igive you.
And it was just a fun littleway to go back and forth.
And uh what they were kind oftalking about this uh in the
aspect of the romance side ofthings, the intimate side of
(30:52):
things, because a lot of couplesdo have a lot of issues talking
um through when they have theirmoments to have their to have
sex and the the intimate timethat they have between each
other.
That's a really difficult thingfor some spouses because uh
when they're trying to rekindlethings or whatever, uh they have
a tendency to really, I guess,in a way, kind of forget what
(31:16):
the other spouses do enjoy ordon't enjoy.
And think and those thingschange over time too.
Michelle Moore (31:21):
Oh, I was gonna say, you know, I know mine have
over time.
Daniel Moore (31:25):
Just because you did things when you first got
married doesn't mean those arestill your favorites today.
Michelle Moore (31:31):
I'm older, so none of that might have changed.
Daniel Moore (31:33):
Yeah.
And so honestly, no matter howlong you're married, it's always
a learning process.
Michelle Moore (31:40):
Yeah.
Daniel Moore (31:40):
We always have to continue to keep each other
figured out the best that we canso that we can, you know, give
that best to of ourselves to ourspouse to make that
relationship the best that itcan be.
And so it's a lot of timesspouses can't just come up and
say, okay, would you like tojust get straight to the point?
You know, they they have a hardtime doing that, and which you
(32:02):
wouldn't think they wouldbecause they've been married for
so long.
But uh when you get to thatpoint where your your
relationship is a littlestagnant and it's gotten into
that boring rut or whatever, forsome reason, sometimes it seems
like those relationships arekind of hard to get back into.
And so I thought this was kindof a cool way to do that because
you can just kind of make alittle game out of it.
(32:23):
And you know, you can get asgraphic as you want.
We're not gonna get graphichere on this, but you can get as
graphic as you want with thosequestions, and that's another
way that you can communicateback and forth and figure out,
and if there's a maybe, youknow, maybe talk a little bit
about that.
Well, what's if this issomething that used to happen,
(32:44):
why has it changed, you know, orjust have some good
conversation and get back tothat place where you're trying
to figure each other out, andthat'll help you reverse a lot
of these things that we'retalking about here today with
the romance and the intimacy inmarriage and how this can go
backwards.
And so I just I thought thatwas uh a really fun, really neat
(33:05):
uh thing that you could do as acouple and you know, maybe
revise or re start that spark,you know, relight that spark in
your marriage and get that stuffback.
So we're gonna wrap up herethis week.
Um, we'll come back next weekand we'll pick it back up and
finish.
(33:26):
Uh, but as we go here,Michelle, why don't you go ahead
and and finish up here withwhat notes we have left here?
Michelle Moore (33:34):
In her excellent book, Finding Love Again
Simple Steps to a New and HappyRelationship, Dr.
Terry Orbuck conducted along-term study of couples who
have been married at least 25years.
She asked the followingquestions.
During the past month, did youfeel that your marriage was in
(33:54):
the rut or falling into one?
Did you feel you were doing thesame thing all the time and
rarely doing exciting thingstogether as a couple?
More than 42% said they oftenfelt that way.
Passion naturally fades overtime.
That's just part of how therelationships evolve.
(34:17):
But that doesn't mean we haveto let our marriages drift into
monotony or become overshadowedby new interests like careers,
hobbies, or otherresponsibilities.
The truth is a marriage remainsmeaningful because we choose to
keep it that way.
We've come to realize somethingthat's helped us navigate the
(34:39):
inevitable routines that comealong with long-term commitment.
We refer it to as intentionalpursuit, the active decision to
keep investing in each other,even when life gets repetitive.
That's a lot.
Daniel Moore (34:57):
That's almost fifty.
Michelle Moore (35:00):
But I as I'm saying that though, it's easy to
get there because I mean, evenin our life today, we can get
into a ride because we're sobusy that there are a lot of
times that I'm just like, wheredid the time go?
I mean, I feel like I see youat bedtime and it's like I'm
(35:22):
reading a book, you're reading abook, we go to bed, and we wake
up, we do the same thing over.
And it's like, are we onautopilot again?
It's like, what are we doing?
You know?
And so sometimes I have to stepback and think, okay, Michelle,
what are you gonna do to breakthis day up?
You know, we'll send each otheremails or we'll take pictures
of ourselves, be crazy, youknow.
And it's like we can findourselves now still doing that
(35:46):
if we're not careful.
Daniel Moore (35:48):
Yeah.
And we do things, we change upour hobbies occasionally.
You know, there was a seasonthere we did kayaking and stuff,
and that's kind of progressedover to biking at this point
when the we get the opportunityto do it, which that allows us
to go to other cities on trails,and you know, but the whole
point behind that it's like it'syou told me I couldn't do
(36:10):
trails no more.
Well, they're as long asthey're paved ones and they're
flat.
That's that's the stipulations.
Michelle Moore (36:18):
I had a bike rack.
Daniel Moore (36:19):
I don't think you yeah, we've not shared that yet.
Michelle Moore (36:22):
I had a bike rack.
Daniel Moore (36:23):
Yeah, she tried going off-roading on her e-bike,
and next thing we knew, she wassideways against a tree,
smashed between a bridge and atree, and some rocks.
And on top of her, allscratched up, messed the wheel
up, got a bruise.
Or bruises.
I thought I was gonna have tocall in Medflight and pick her
up and take her to the hospital.
Michelle Moore (36:44):
Like, how in the world?
And I was just like laughing ashe's like, Are you okay?
And I'm like dying, and I'mjumping up as fast as I can
because I don't want nobody tosee me in the little small
ravine that I fell into.
Daniel Moore (36:57):
Michelle can actually look like a pretzel,
just so y'all know that.
Michelle Moore (37:02):
Oh, and I'm too old for that.
Daniel Moore (37:04):
So see, that's adventurous.
Michelle Moore (37:06):
Yeah, look at us.
He told me no more trailsunless they're concrete.
That's right.
You gotta be paved and flat.
No bridges.
Yeah, it was funny todaybecause um I was having my I
have a lymphatic massage doneand she hit my knee where my
bruise was, and I about come offthat table.
And I was like, I was like,please don't touch that.
(37:29):
And she's like, oh my gosh,what'd you do?
And I was like, I had a bikewreck.
And I'm like, I'm not no kidanymore.
Why am I saying this?
Like, I shouldn't be on a biketo begin with.
I'm too old for that.
Daniel Moore (37:39):
Yeah, it's pretty, pretty funny.
It was a very entertainingmoment to say the least.
Michelle Moore (37:45):
Thanks, thanks.
I'm glad I can make you laugh.
That's all that matters.
Daniel Moore (37:48):
That's right.
But yeah, uh that that's whatit comes down to, though.
Just like you said there at thevery end, it's it's gotta be a
commitment.
It's gotta be intentional, it'sgotta be an intentional
pursuit.
Michelle Moore (38:01):
That intentional part.
Daniel Moore (38:02):
You when you get in that rut and you're bored, if
you just sit there, you'renothing's gonna change.
You know, you you've gotta youboth have to come to a point in
an agreement that, yeah, we wegot an issue.
Yeah, we both need to fix this.
What are we going to do?
Yeah, that's the question youhave to ask each other.
And so next week when we comeback, we're gonna talk a little
(38:22):
bit about that pursuit.
Um, there's a close pursuitthat you can kick into gear with
with your marriage, and there'ssome steps that you can take to
try to re light that fire andtry to rekindle that passion and
that romance in your marriage.
And that's what we're gonnatalk about next week when we
come back here for the nextepisode.
(38:43):
So, is there anything that youwanted to add to this one this
week?
unknown (38:46):
No.
Daniel Moore (38:46):
You got it pretty well covered.
Michelle Moore (38:48):
Just be intentional.
Daniel Moore (38:49):
Yep.
Make sure you're intentional.
And uh, you know, if you runout of ideas, talk to friends,
you know, or get online and dosome Google searches.
There's just lots of ways thatyou can come up with new ideas
of different things that you cando as spouses to try to help
that boredom that you feel likeyou have in your marriage, but
(39:11):
um it's not gonna change untilyou decide you want to change
it.
And so you have to beintentional with that.
We'll talk about more aboutthat next week here when we come
back.
Well, we're gonna go ahead andand call that good for this
week, then.
And we hope that you guysenjoyed this episode.
Uh, we just pray that yourmarriage is stronger and your
walk with God is closer afterthis episode that we've been
(39:34):
through this week, and we'llcome back to finish it next
week.
This is an extension ofConnecting to Gap Ministries.
We pray that you have a blessedweek.
Now think back to the very start of your
marriages, the honeymoonchapter, when everything felt
new and full of potential.
During that time, your partnerlikely seemed flawless,
conflicts were minimal, passionwas high, physical connection
was effortless, and you saw eachother through a lens of hope
and joy.
Yet numerous studies suggestthat this phase doesn't last
(00:28):
forever.
In fact, some findings indicatethat this early stage of
emotional and physical intensitybegins to wane around the two
and a half year mark.
One poll even pinpointed theaverage honeymoon duration at
exactly two years, six months,and 25 days into marriage.
I mean, they nailed it down.
This week on Marriage Life andMore, we continue our series on
(00:52):
marriage reset, roommates tosoulmates near marriage, as we
get into episode seven.
We'll be back with that rightafter this.
I'm Daniel Moore, your host.
(01:42):
Thank you guys for joining usthis week.
And over here next to me, Ihave my beautiful co-host, my
wife Michelle.
Michelle Moore (01:48):
Hey, hey.
Daniel Moore (01:49):
Want to thank you guys for joining us this week.
If you're not familiar with ourshow, check out our website at
marriage lifeandmore.com for ourplatforms.
Our YouTube and Rumble linksare there.
Also on the ChristianPodcasting app at Edifi.
And we're also on your Alexaand Google Smart Devices.
You can also visit us on socialon Facebook, Instagram, and X
at CTGAPOnline.
If you're a fan of our show,please subscribe.
(02:11):
Feel free to leave a comment onour platforms and give us a
thumbs up or five-star review onApple Podcasts.
And we'd be eternally gratefulto you for doing that.
Well, as we get ready to startout this week, uh we do have
something to want to uh uhmention.
I know you guys have probablybeen seeing it on social media a
little bit, but we haveactually released a book and uh
(02:32):
just wanted to make sure thateverybody that's listening was
aware of that.
If you don't follow us onsocial media, uh we've got a
book out entitled Marriage as aMission: Living Out God's Design
for Your Marriage.
So you can go to our website,there's a link there to pick
that up, or you can go onAmazon, and that book also comes
with a six-session study guidethat you can purchase as well,
(02:55):
and that's good for couplestudy, or you can do group
studies if you'd like to dothat.
Um, we tried to put togethersome really good resources for
that, and we hope that that'llbe a blessing to you.
So go check that out.
You can get that in paperbackhardcover, or you can also get
it as Kindle on the actual bookitself.
And so there's several optionsthere that you can purchase
(03:17):
that.
So again, you can check thatout on Amazon or on our website.
Well, as I mentioned here inthe beginning, we are at episode
seven at this point in MarriageReset.
We're gonna go ahead and getinto that.
This week we're gonna betalking about three steps to
rekindling romance and passionin your marriage.
Michelle Moore (03:45):
One of the biggest passion killers in a
marriage is the onset of tediouspredictability, said Gary
Jackson.
In his timeless devotionalclassic, My Utmost Forest
Highest, Oswald Chambersobserved that healthy human
nature craves excitement.
(04:06):
If we don't find it in ameaningful and righteous ways,
we can often seek it in anharmful or misguided one.
Chambers emphasized that Goddoesn't create emotionless
followers.
Instead, he shapes us intodeeply passionate individuals.
This concept of being emotionaland alive in our faith is
(04:29):
compelling.
It's a reflection of a God wholoves with deep intensity.
God's love for us is generousand endless, it never runs dry,
and nothing on earth can stripit away.
He cherishes us with delightand even celebrates us in a
song.
It's hard to fully understandjust how immense and boundless
(04:53):
his love really is.
The fervor and joy in God'slove are unmistakable, abundant,
enduring, and full of life.
Naturally, we long for thatsame vibrant passion in our
marriages.
Isn't that part of what drew usto each other in the first
place?
At a wedding we attended notlong ago, we watched the bride
(05:18):
and groom joyfully sharingpledges to keep their
relationship filled withexcitement, discovery,
affection, and passion.
That vision of never-endingpassion is enchanting,
especially if you've ever readthe powerful verses from Song of
Solomon.
Love is as strong as death, itspassion as unyielding as the
(05:42):
grave.
It burns like blazing fire,like a divine flame.
Waters cannot extinguish love.
Rivers cannot sweep it away.
These poetic words stir up highhopes for a fiery and enduring
love.
Yet reality is set in everycouple.
Marriages go through rhythms,some exhilarating, some quite
(06:05):
challenging.
For many, the intense desireand excitement seems to diminish
over time.
But what causes this shift?
Why does that fire that oncefelt so bright begin to seem
more like a memory?
Daniel Moore (06:21):
So as we start out this week talking about
rekindling romance and passion,I think the as we've been
talking about this subject ofroommates to soulmates, this is
definitely something that youhave that couples fight with
when they get into thatsituation of feeling that
distance between each other.
And would you agree that youknow sometimes it seems like
(06:46):
after time that it does seem tokind of change for some people?
I don't know.
And and I think that it that isthat's not just a marriage
thing, you know, that that'sjust kind of a natural walk of
life.
Michelle Moore (07:01):
Yeah.
Daniel Moore (07:02):
You know, I think it seems like that all in all
aspects of our life that welive, that something that's very
common, after a while we seemto take that for granted.
It just seems like that's howwe operate sometimes.
Michelle Moore (07:15):
I would definitely say so.
Daniel Moore (07:17):
And unfortunately, you know, sometimes you can get
by with letting that happenbecause it's things that aren't
all that important.
But when it comes to arelationship, that's something
that's kind of dangerous, youknow, if you let that start
taking place in your marriagewhere you start taking each
other for granted and thinkingthat that's normal, you know.
Uh so there does come a pointin our marriages where if that
(07:40):
starts happening and we start,you know, having that distance,
we start feeling that betweeneach other, then that should be
a warning sign that, hey, weneed to probably do something
here.
You know, we got something thatwe really need to fix.
And there is a term for that,it's called tedious
predictability.
And as we're discussing here,there is a common belief that
(08:02):
the more familiar we become withsomeone, the less we appreciate
them.
The classic idea thatfamiliarity breeds contempt, but
more often than not, ratherthan growing resentful, we
slowly grow indifferent.
In many cases, couples putsignificant effort into winning
each other's hearts early on,but eventually, comfort sets in
(08:22):
and that initial energy fades.
The pursuit ends and the focusshifts to the demands of
everyday life.
In this state of settledcomfort, it becomes easy to
direct energy elsewhere intocareers, parenting, or personal
interest, while the marriagequietly slips into the
background.
Soon the relationship starts tofeel dull compared to new, more
(08:45):
stimulating areas of life.
And in reading all of that, Ican look back on our
relationship, and as we'vetalked before, and you know,
with our testimony and thedifferent episodes that we've
been doing here, you know, welet ourselves get to that spot.
Um, we start letting thecareers, the parenting, personal
(09:08):
interest, you know, we let's westart letting some of that
stuff.
Michelle Moore (09:10):
And I think that's normal in a lot of
marriages, to be quite honest.
I mean, life happens.
So I do think that, I mean,most people, I mean, when you I
I want to say it's it's kind oflike a rut.
You're like just walking in aseason and it's you know the
same.
There's no ex I wouldn't sayexcitement or anything bad
(09:33):
happening.
It's just I feel like it couldbe a rut that you're falling
through.
But I think a lot of couples gothrough that because they are
busy.
And it could be not just withkids, it could be ministry, it
could be min, it could could bea lot that's taking each other's
time instead of solely focusingon the marriage.
Daniel Moore (09:51):
Yeah.
And so I think the thing hereis is we have to figure out what
that balance is.
Yeah.
Because we can't let that thatslide totally consume us.
We still have to nurture ourmarriage.
You know, we can't can't justignore the one so that the other
one takes over.
You have to find a balance, youknow, to and is it truly
(10:11):
ignore?
Michelle Moore (10:13):
I mean, I'm just kind of being like kind of
coming back at yeah, sorry.
So I'm just kind of throwingthis.
But is it really trulysometimes I don't think it's
necessarily ignore, it's thefact that that person is busy
and it may be out of sight, outof mind.
Daniel Moore (10:28):
Yeah.
Michelle Moore (10:29):
So do you consider that ignoring?
Well, I in your perspective?
Daniel Moore (10:33):
I consider it a negligence.
Michelle Moore (10:34):
Okay.
Daniel Moore (10:35):
Because me and you were there.
I mean, we we let the stuffcome in and consume our time,
and we did we were notintentional on making sure that
you and I had our time in ourrelationship.
Uh, we let other things takethe place of what we were
supposed to be nurturing betweenthe two of us.
(10:56):
And we both saw how easy thatcan happen.
And in all reality, there's nota marriage anywhere that God
has ever condoned that you allowthat to take place in your
marriage.
Uh, we've always, you know, asyou study the Bible, he's very
clear on the order.
It's him, uh, your spouse, thenyour kids, then everything
(11:17):
else.
He's very clear on that.
Yeah.
And so I think it's God'sintention that no matter what
comes our way, what kind ofbusyness life throws at us, uh,
whatever kinds ofresponsibilities that we take on
and add to our plate, I thinkGod still expects us to make
sure we don't forget us and wedon't, you know, be negligent to
(11:38):
the fact that we don't takecare of our relationship.
Right.
Because otherwise we get tothis rut and we let our
relationship get stagnant.
And it kind of brings us intothis, the strangers, you know,
kind of look where we're notreally meeting each other's
needs.
Michelle Moore (11:56):
Right.
Daniel Moore (11:56):
And then you start having issues when one of them,
when one person in therelationship starts realizing
that that's flipping away andthey start missing some of those
things, but the other spousedoesn't see it, you know, they
think, oh, we just got to takecare of the kids.
We just got life, we'remarried, this is what it's all
about.
And yeah, marriage is kind ofabout that, but at the same
time, God wants us to take careof ourselves as well.
(12:18):
We have an example here of acouple named Jenna and Mark.
They were married for a decadewith two young children.
(12:39):
They began with a relationshipfull of fun, frequent date
nights, spontaneous laughter,and plenty of affection.
They were deeply connected,constantly expressing love.
But over time, especially afterthe kids arrived, their lives
became a whirlwind of to-dolists, carpools, job demands,
and housework.
Time together started revolvingexclusively around the children
(13:00):
and their daily task.
Their physical intimacy faded,and uninterrupted moments alone
became rare.
Jenna finds herself longing forthe spark they once had,
saying, I still love Mark, butthe fire just isn't there
anymore.
Mark, on the other hand, thinksthis season of emotional
distance is normal.
It's just a stage we're goingthrough, he reassures her.
(13:22):
And that's where couples oftenfall into trouble.
Not because they don't loveeach other, and that's not
really what we're saying here,you know, when you get into this
rut and this this you know,this mode of life where we kind
of put each other to the sidejust a little bit.
It's not that the love is gone,but because, you know, they
assume the emotional distance orloss of passion is just part of
(13:43):
the routine.
And I think a lot of times wesee other couples going through
it, and we think, well, they'regoing through it too, so this
must just be the way it is.
You know, we're not the onlyones out there going through
this, and it can kind of be, youknow, a false positive in a lot
of in a lot of ways towardsyour marriage because just
because the other people aroundyou, their relationships are
(14:05):
like that doesn't mean that'sreally the way God intended it.
And so we have to be carefulwith that.
So the truth is what Jenna andMark are facing is extremely
common.
After the magical beginning ofmarriage, couples tend to slip
into what many experts refer toas the ordinary.
As one relationship expertexplains, extensive research
(14:26):
shows that romantic intensitynaturally declines in long-term
relationships.
The excitement of early love,feeling thrilled by your
partner, sparks flying, everymoment feeling special begins to
fade, replaced by steadyfamiliar affection that lacks
novelty.
Now think back to the verystart of your marriages, the
(14:47):
honeymoon chapter, wheneverything felt new and full of
potential.
During that time, your partnerlikely seemed flawless.
Conflicts were minimal, passionwas high, physical connection
was effortless, and you saw eachother through a lens of hope
and joy.
Yet numerous studies suggestthat this phase doesn't last
forever.
In fact, some findings indicatethat this early stage of
(15:10):
emotional and physical intensitybegins to wane around the two
and a half year mark.
One poll even pinpointed theaverage honeymoon duration at
exactly two years, six months,and twenty five days into
marriage.
I mean, they nailed it down.
For many couples like Jenna andMark, there's a noticeable
decline in satisfaction afterthat point.
(15:31):
As I think about us, how longdo you think our honeymoon
lasted?
Our honeymoon phase, quoteunquote.
Michelle Moore (15:40):
Well, you want me to be honest?
Daniel Moore (15:44):
Yeah, I want you to be honest.
Michelle Moore (15:46):
It wasn't very long.
I'm just gonna say that.
It wasn't very long.
Just because reality hit us inthe face right at the very
beginning.
So many things went downhillrather quickly.
Daniel Moore (15:59):
And here's and here's something I'll say about
that.
I think probably the blendedfamily is another scenario that
really throws an extra wrenchinto the situation because it's
one thing to be in your firstmarriage where there's no kids,
probably not really any petsnecessarily.
A lot of people don't have petswhen they first get married.
Some do, but a lot a lot don't.
So you're you know, you getmarried, you come into your
(16:20):
home, you're by yourselves, andyou have all this time just to
devote to each other and figureeach other out, you know, and so
you you go through time untilyou finally have your first
child, whenever that may be.
And so, you know, I know thatwith that type of situation, you
have a lot more opportunity tostay close and really enjoy each
other together and your timeand that kind of thing.
(16:41):
So I think the honeymoon phasein those situations most
generally could probably last awhile.
But when you have kids already,let's say you've already been
married, you're divorced, youcome into a blended family
situation and you have children,that you're especially if both
sides have kids and you'retrying to mesh those together,
just from our experience, Ithink that you can kind of see
(17:01):
that probably go away a lotfaster because there's no
manual, as we've talked before,on how to be a blended family.
So a lot of times as soon asyou start putting everybody
together and they all startclashing and personality um
conflicts and whatever it maybe, that we start having a lot
of issues pretty pretty soon inthe marriage, just a lot quicker
(17:24):
than what they typically wouldbe.
What do you what do you thinkon that?
Michelle Moore (17:28):
I'd agree with that.
Daniel Moore (17:33):
Exes, you know, putting the kids together, just
the different issues.
Uh it it starts wearing on youreally quick.
Michelle Moore (17:40):
Yeah, it does.
Daniel Moore (17:41):
You know.
And so, and even if you datesomebody for quite a while, uh,
I still think that in a lot ofin a lot of ways, you still
really don't know what you'regetting yourself into when
you're actually going to getmarried and bring everybody
under the same roof.
Michelle Moore (17:56):
I would agree with that.
Daniel Moore (17:57):
Um, I think that there's a lot of things there
that we just don't think about.
And so, yeah, I could seewhere, you know, this honeymoon
stage could go out the windowpretty quickly.
And then all of a sudden, youknow, what we did have when we
were dating, the fireworks andall the different things that
were taking place at that time,it just seems like they were a
(18:19):
distant memory, you know, andlife starts happening, you move
on and just get into thatroutine, yeah, that ordinary
routine, as it says.
Uh so you know, why does thatwhy does this happen?
And, you know, it's not usuallybecause something went wrong,
it's because we grow used toeach other.
The thrill of discovery, thejoy of new shared moments, and
(18:39):
the freshness of intimacy startto give way to habit, schedules,
and everyday normality.
As one author put it, in thebeginning, couples tend to
engage in lots of novel andexciting activities together,
what researchers callself-expanding activities.
They dress up for dates, theyexplore new parts of the city,
they try each other's hobbies,and they have engaging
(19:02):
discussions with each other.
As time goes on, though, it canbe easy for long-term couples
to fall in such a routine thatthey stop doing fun new things
together.
And what does that do?
Michelle Moore (19:13):
Leaks the boredom.
Which I was kind of I kind oflaughed a little bit because I'm
like, oh, they dress up fordates.
Daniel Moore (19:22):
Since when?
Michelle Moore (19:26):
We don't.
Daniel Moore (19:27):
Oh no, we don't.
Not anymore.
Michelle Moore (19:30):
We haven't in a very long time.
Daniel Moore (19:33):
Yeah.
Michelle Moore (19:34):
But we do try new things together.
Daniel Moore (19:36):
We do again now, yes.
Michelle Moore (19:38):
Yeah.
Daniel Moore (19:38):
And you know, something else I can think of
right now too that could causethis is you know, financial
stuff.
Michelle Moore (19:44):
Oh, absolutely.
Daniel Moore (19:45):
Because it does, if you do go do new things and
you explore places and whatever,unfortunately, a lot of times
that takes money.
Yeah, you know.
And if you start havingchildren, if you're, you know,
new in your careers or whateverit may be, you know, you may not
have a whole lot of extra moneyleft over.
And so if if you're one ofthose type of people that likes
(20:07):
to travel around and see newthings together or whatever,
that could put a little bit of akink in that as time goes
along, as you get more bills orwhatever it may be, your
expenses start going up.
You know, I could see thatbeing an issue.
Michelle Moore (20:20):
Well, I know we struggled with that.
Daniel Moore (20:21):
We did.
Michelle Moore (20:22):
And there's just like I I always tried to find I
don't know.
I just I looked to try to findthe best in what we're situation
we were in.
So, you know, I would some ofyou people might know where this
is at, but we'd go to thePoaring River, go hiking, we'd
do a little picnic, make somefried chicken, we'd enjoy just
(20:44):
spending a couple hourstogether, or we'd go to the
park, you know, cheap date, youknow, something you can pack a
sandwich.
And I think that meant more tome than doing nothing at all.
You know, just getting away alittle bit because we didn't
have the extra money.
Yeah.
And I know one year for yourbirthday I did a little coupon
book.
Daniel Moore (21:02):
Yeah.
Michelle Moore (21:02):
You know, free washer truck, you know.
Daniel Moore (21:04):
I actually still have that.
You probably didn't know that,but I do.
Michelle Moore (21:08):
I think I do.
It's in the little box.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That we keep some of it.
We used to write notes to eachother, used to do cards, you
know, we had we saved a lot ofit.
Daniel Moore (21:17):
Yeah.
Michelle Moore (21:18):
So yeah, yeah.
So I mean, if it's financiallyis, you know, obviously you
can't go take a trip, but youcan do small things around your
hometown.
That just means a lot to you,you know, or your spouse.
Daniel Moore (21:30):
Yeah, and I think one of the dates that I always
remember, it stands out vivid inmy mind.
And I think it probably does sobecause it was it was in that
time frame when we were tryingto rebuild our relationship, I
think.
But we'd went to Roaring Riverand took KFC with us.
Michelle Moore (21:46):
We I'm I I actually made the fridge fried
chicken.
Daniel Moore (21:49):
Oh, did you make it homemade?
Okay.
I was thinking it's KFC forsome reason.
Michelle Moore (21:53):
Yeah, you I made some chicken strips and some
chicken.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Daniel Moore (21:57):
And I knew it was chicken.
I remember that part.
Michelle Moore (21:59):
Yeah, that's the that's the lunch I'm talking
about.
That's the exact same one.
Daniel Moore (22:03):
Yeah, I always remember that.
Michelle Moore (22:05):
And you know, mine I that I always remember.
Daniel Moore (22:08):
That's good memories.
You know, that's good thingsthat you can have that you can
hold on to and hold those dear.
And you as you do those things,they build on each other, you
know.
Yes, you're gonna havedowntimes in between, it's just
gonna happen.
You know, that's life.
But the whole the whole goal ofthat is just to make sure that
those downtimes don't keep youdown.
(22:28):
Right.
You know, you have to do morethings to try to bring that back
up and and do it better, youknow, the next time and get back
to where you were.
So um, as we were talkingthere, you know, with what that
author was saying, the couplestill cares deeply for each
other, yet with time they growso used to one another that they
stop truly noticing orappreciating what made their
(22:50):
connection so special.
As comfort and routine takeover, the intensity and
excitement that they once feltbegins to fade.
What was once thrilling andfull of pursuit becomes
repetitive and expected.
In the early stages, there'sintentional effort, such as
dates, thoughtful gestures,late-night conversations, kind
of like what you were justtalking about just a while ago.
(23:11):
But eventually that energygives way to calendars,
commitments, andresponsibilities.
Michelle Moore (23:16):
Yeah.
Daniel Moore (23:16):
The relationship can slowly shift from romantic
partnership to something thatfeels more like managing a
household together.
Michelle Moore (23:23):
Yep.
Daniel Moore (23:23):
And as days become filled with chores, jobs,
parenting duties, and financialconcerns, it's easy to see why
couples start feelingdisconnected and even bored in
their marriage.
And I was thinking there, youknow, how it was saying that uh
sometimes it can feel likeyou're just managing a household
together.
I think sometimes too, it canalmost feel like a burden
(23:44):
because it's not there anymore.
And in the back of your mind,you probably both realize it to
a point.
It's just not the same as itused to be.
But yet, if when you want totry to do something outside the
box, all you can think of is allthese responsibilities that are
on top of you as a couple andtrying to run your home, trying
to pay the bills, trying to makesure the kids are getting here
and there and everywhere, andall this stuff, and it just it
(24:06):
kind of blinds us to a pointwhere we think, well, we just
don't have the time.
You know, how are we ever goingto make the moments to be able
to do this stuff that's specialto us?
And we make up these excuses ofwhy we can't do it, so it never
happens.
You know, and I because I feellike there was a time with us
that, you know, I think we didrealize what was going on, but
(24:28):
we had so much financial issuesand then just the issues with
our children, the exes, just thedifferent things that was going
on in our life.
Uh, you know, of course, withdivorces and stuff, there's
always a lot of court activity,it seems like, throughout the
years.
We had a lot of that.
And it does.
It just seems like that's justa burden on your shoulders
(24:49):
sometimes, and it exhausts you.
And it just puts you to a pointwhere you know you need to fix
it, but you're you just don'tfeel like you can, you know, and
that's a that's a horribleplace to be.
I'm sure some of you guys outthere probably already know what
(25:37):
those are.
As you've been listening to usramble on about this here today,
I'm sure you've already beenprobably thinking about things
in your own relationships.
But uh, we're gonna go throughthis little list here.
Michelle, why don't you uh giveus the first couple there?
Michelle Moore (25:51):
Yeah.
The romance has disappeared,marriage is no longer exciting,
that spark has fizzled, themarriage feels boring.
Passion has slowly faded intosilent routines.
You've stopped flirting, you nolonger kiss passionately, and
(26:12):
nothing is spontaneous anymore.
Daniel Moore (26:15):
Boy, I can resignate with the majority of
those.
And I think you know, some ofthem play off of each other.
When you stop flirting or youno longer kiss passionately,
that can definitely lead to thatromance disappearing and it can
cause that marriage to nolonger feel exciting and that
(26:36):
spark to fizzle for it to fit itit all those really kind of
play along with each other andwhen you when you look at that.
And you know, I think that thisis definitely something that
it's taken us some time.
I think that we do a lot betternow uh with a lot of these
things than what we did in thepast.
(26:56):
Oh, absolutely.
Um we had to be in and so andhow did we make this happen?
We had to be intentional.
Michelle Moore (27:02):
That's what I was getting ready to say,
intentional is the word.
Daniel Moore (27:05):
Yeah, so when we started working back towards
that, what are some of thethings that you can remember
that we've had to go through toget our to reverse a lot of
these things in our ownrelationship?
Michelle Moore (27:16):
Well, I think like one of the things that you
know, you stop flirting, youknow.
There's a lot of times that wejust really honestly, if we
stopped everything, I mean, butto get back to it to be
intentional, it would be likeyou know, walk by, slowly touch
(27:37):
your hand, or you know, tap youon the rear, or you know, write
you a little love note.
It had to be intentional allthe way.
Um like um one of the thingsthat you know the romance had
disappeared.
You know, there are so manythings that you can put in that
(27:59):
and the romance has disappeared.
I mean, honestly, that's prettymuch everything that's listed
below it.
But you know, for you to sayevery day, you tell me you loved
me, you could give me a kiss nomatter what, you know, and you
know, one of my biggest thingsis to just cuddle, like I love
to cuddle.
Your intentions of always justcoming in and just making sure
(28:21):
that I the love, the kiss, thecuddling, and I know some of the
things that you like, so myintention to do that that brings
back that spark, you know.
And I'm not really a big personon certain things, but you are,
(28:43):
yeah.
So I have to open my mind toallow you to do that so that the
intentional flirting, the love,everything comes back to play.
I mean, that's the whole partis me giving for you and you
giving for me and steppingeverything aside and us focusing
(29:03):
on each other.
Daniel Moore (29:04):
Yeah, that's good.
And something I wanted to thatI just thought of here, I wanted
to throw in.
I was listening to a podcastthis week, and they were
actually talking about somethingthat actually works kind of
well here because some some ofyou guys listening out there,
you may be in this spot rightnow where you can actually
resonate with all these thingsthat Michelle just shared.
(29:25):
You are you are seeing this inyour relationship right now.
But I think one thing that Ialso think when spouses are
together for a while and theyget into that rut situation
where it starts getting boringand that kind of thing, I think
a lot of times we kind of forgetwhat each spouse wants also.
And we kind of forget whatthose triggers are that sparks
(29:49):
that romance for because we'renot we're not the same.
You know, we've discussed thisbefore.
There's things that you like,there's things that I like,
yeah, and they're usually notthe same thing.
Some of them might be, but wehave other.
Things that are not.
And one thing that they weretalking about was in order to
rekindle the relationship, ifit's gotten to a stagnant spot,
(30:11):
you can play a game they werethey were calling yes, no, and
maybe.
And basically what this was isbetween each spouse, uh, one
spouse could ask, you know, likeme, I could ask you, uh, well,
what's the one thing that if Icame when I came home from work
every evening, was the one thingthat you would like most for me
(30:32):
to do for you?
And then you would tell me thatanswer, and then I I'd have the
responses.
I have yes, no, or maybe.
That would be the responses Igive you.
And it was just a fun littleway to go back and forth.
And uh what they were kind oftalking about this uh in the
aspect of the romance side ofthings, the intimate side of
(30:52):
things, because a lot of couplesdo have a lot of issues talking
um through when they have theirmoments to have their to have
sex and the the intimate timethat they have between each
other.
That's a really difficult thingfor some spouses because uh
when they're trying to rekindlethings or whatever, uh they have
a tendency to really, I guess,in a way, kind of forget what
(31:16):
the other spouses do enjoy ordon't enjoy.
And think and those thingschange over time too.
Michelle Moore (31:21):
Oh, I was gonna say, you know, I know mine have
over time.
Daniel Moore (31:25):
Just because you did things when you first got
married doesn't mean those arestill your favorites today.
Michelle Moore (31:31):
I'm older, so none of that might have changed.
Daniel Moore (31:33):
Yeah.
And so honestly, no matter howlong you're married, it's always
a learning process.
Michelle Moore (31:40):
Yeah.
Daniel Moore (31:40):
We always have to continue to keep each other
figured out the best that we canso that we can, you know, give
that best to of ourselves to ourspouse to make that
relationship the best that itcan be.
And so it's a lot of timesspouses can't just come up and
say, okay, would you like tojust get straight to the point?
You know, they they have a hardtime doing that, and which you
(32:02):
wouldn't think they wouldbecause they've been married for
so long.
But uh when you get to thatpoint where your your
relationship is a littlestagnant and it's gotten into
that boring rut or whatever, forsome reason, sometimes it seems
like those relationships arekind of hard to get back into.
And so I thought this was kindof a cool way to do that because
you can just kind of make alittle game out of it.
(32:23):
And you know, you can get asgraphic as you want.
We're not gonna get graphichere on this, but you can get as
graphic as you want with thosequestions, and that's another
way that you can communicateback and forth and figure out,
and if there's a maybe, youknow, maybe talk a little bit
about that.
Well, what's if this issomething that used to happen,
(32:44):
why has it changed, you know, orjust have some good
conversation and get back tothat place where you're trying
to figure each other out, andthat'll help you reverse a lot
of these things that we'retalking about here today with
the romance and the intimacy inmarriage and how this can go
backwards.
And so I just I thought thatwas uh a really fun, really neat
(33:05):
uh thing that you could do as acouple and you know, maybe
revise or re start that spark,you know, relight that spark in
your marriage and get that stuffback.
So we're gonna wrap up herethis week.
Um, we'll come back next weekand we'll pick it back up and
finish.
(33:26):
Uh, but as we go here,Michelle, why don't you go ahead
and and finish up here withwhat notes we have left here?
Michelle Moore (33:34):
In her excellent book, Finding Love Again
Simple Steps to a New and HappyRelationship, Dr.
Terry Orbuck conducted along-term study of couples who
have been married at least 25years.
She asked the followingquestions.
During the past month, did youfeel that your marriage was in
(33:54):
the rut or falling into one?
Did you feel you were doing thesame thing all the time and
rarely doing exciting thingstogether as a couple?
More than 42% said they oftenfelt that way.
Passion naturally fades overtime.
That's just part of how therelationships evolve.
(34:17):
But that doesn't mean we haveto let our marriages drift into
monotony or become overshadowedby new interests like careers,
hobbies, or otherresponsibilities.
The truth is a marriage remainsmeaningful because we choose to
keep it that way.
We've come to realize somethingthat's helped us navigate the
(34:39):
inevitable routines that comealong with long-term commitment.
We refer it to as intentionalpursuit, the active decision to
keep investing in each other,even when life gets repetitive.
That's a lot.
Daniel Moore (34:57):
That's almost fifty.
Michelle Moore (35:00):
But I as I'm saying that though, it's easy to
get there because I mean, evenin our life today, we can get
into a ride because we're sobusy that there are a lot of
times that I'm just like, wheredid the time go?
I mean, I feel like I see youat bedtime and it's like I'm
(35:22):
reading a book, you're reading abook, we go to bed, and we wake
up, we do the same thing over.
And it's like, are we onautopilot again?
It's like, what are we doing?
You know?
And so sometimes I have to stepback and think, okay, Michelle,
what are you gonna do to breakthis day up?
You know, we'll send each otheremails or we'll take pictures
of ourselves, be crazy, youknow.
And it's like we can findourselves now still doing that
(35:46):
if we're not careful.
Daniel Moore (35:48):
Yeah.
And we do things, we change upour hobbies occasionally.
You know, there was a seasonthere we did kayaking and stuff,
and that's kind of progressedover to biking at this point
when the we get the opportunityto do it, which that allows us
to go to other cities on trails,and you know, but the whole
point behind that it's like it'syou told me I couldn't do
(36:10):
trails no more.
Well, they're as long asthey're paved ones and they're
flat.
That's that's the stipulations.
Michelle Moore (36:18):
I had a bike rack.
Daniel Moore (36:19):
I don't think you yeah, we've not shared that yet.
Michelle Moore (36:22):
I had a bike rack.
Daniel Moore (36:23):
Yeah, she tried going off-roading on her e-bike,
and next thing we knew, she wassideways against a tree,
smashed between a bridge and atree, and some rocks.
And on top of her, allscratched up, messed the wheel
up, got a bruise.
Or bruises.
I thought I was gonna have tocall in Medflight and pick her
up and take her to the hospital.
Michelle Moore (36:44):
Like, how in the world?
And I was just like laughing ashe's like, Are you okay?
And I'm like dying, and I'mjumping up as fast as I can
because I don't want nobody tosee me in the little small
ravine that I fell into.
Daniel Moore (36:57):
Michelle can actually look like a pretzel,
just so y'all know that.
Michelle Moore (37:02):
Oh, and I'm too old for that.
Daniel Moore (37:04):
So see, that's adventurous.
Michelle Moore (37:06):
Yeah, look at us.
He told me no more trailsunless they're concrete.
That's right.
You gotta be paved and flat.
No bridges.
Yeah, it was funny todaybecause um I was having my I
have a lymphatic massage doneand she hit my knee where my
bruise was, and I about come offthat table.
And I was like, I was like,please don't touch that.
(37:29):
And she's like, oh my gosh,what'd you do?
And I was like, I had a bikewreck.
And I'm like, I'm not no kidanymore.
Why am I saying this?
Like, I shouldn't be on a biketo begin with.
I'm too old for that.
Daniel Moore (37:39):
Yeah, it's pretty, pretty funny.
It was a very entertainingmoment to say the least.
Michelle Moore (37:45):
Thanks, thanks.
I'm glad I can make you laugh.
That's all that matters.
Daniel Moore (37:48):
That's right.
But yeah, uh that that's whatit comes down to, though.
Just like you said there at thevery end, it's it's gotta be a
commitment.
It's gotta be intentional, it'sgotta be an intentional
pursuit.
Michelle Moore (38:01):
That intentional part.
Daniel Moore (38:02):
You when you get in that rut and you're bored, if
you just sit there, you'renothing's gonna change.
You know, you you've gotta youboth have to come to a point in
an agreement that, yeah, we wegot an issue.
Yeah, we both need to fix this.
What are we going to do?
Yeah, that's the question youhave to ask each other.
And so next week when we comeback, we're gonna talk a little
(38:22):
bit about that pursuit.
Um, there's a close pursuitthat you can kick into gear with
with your marriage, and there'ssome steps that you can take to
try to re light that fire andtry to rekindle that passion and
that romance in your marriage.
And that's what we're gonnatalk about next week when we
come back here for the nextepisode.
(38:43):
So, is there anything that youwanted to add to this one this
week?
unknown (38:46):
No.
Daniel Moore (38:46):
You got it pretty well covered.
Michelle Moore (38:48):
Just be intentional.
Daniel Moore (38:49):
Yep.
Make sure you're intentional.
And uh, you know, if you runout of ideas, talk to friends,
you know, or get online and dosome Google searches.
There's just lots of ways thatyou can come up with new ideas
of different things that you cando as spouses to try to help
that boredom that you feel likeyou have in your marriage, but
(39:11):
um it's not gonna change untilyou decide you want to change
it.
And so you have to beintentional with that.
We'll talk about more aboutthat next week here when we come
back.
Well, we're gonna go ahead andand call that good for this
week, then.
And we hope that you guysenjoyed this episode.
Uh, we just pray that yourmarriage is stronger and your
walk with God is closer afterthis episode that we've been
(39:34):
through this week, and we'llcome back to finish it next
week.
This is an extension ofConnecting to Gap Ministries.
We pray that you have a blessedweek.
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