4 Types of Boundaries in Marriage - 234 - Marriage Life and More

Episode Transcript
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Michelle Moore (00:05):
I love to hold hands, I love to be right next
to Daniel.
I'm more of a touchy-feely Iwouldn't say touchy-feely but I
like to have you by my side andI love that.
And you know, at first youweren't used to that and so now
it's just automatic, like we canjust get right next to each
other and hold hands orsomething like that.

(00:27):
And we're more affectionate, butI do think that has to be.
You have to understand if apartner is not ready for that
and you need to talk to them andmeet in the middle.
If that's not something they'recomfortable with, you need to
make sure that you're like hey,give them time, Pray about it.

Daniel Moore (00:47):
This week on Marriage Life and More, we're
going to be talking aboutboundaries in marriage.
We'll get back into that rightafter this.
Thank you, welcome to MarriageLife and More.

(01:36):
This is a podcast aboutmarriage, bible and book studies
, interviewing people that havestories.
I'm Daniel Moore, your host.
I have my wife, michelle,sitting over here.
She's the co-host of the podcast.
So we're going to do our best togo through this week's episode.
If you're not familiar with ourshow, you can check us out on
our website atmarriagelifeandmorecom.
Our platforms are there YouTubeand Rumble links.

(01:57):
We're also on the Christianpodcasting app, edify, and we're
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If you're a fan of our show,please subscribe.
Feel free to leave a comment onour platforms.
Give us a thumbs up or afive-star review on Apple
Podcast.
We'd be eternally grateful toyou guys for doing that Well.

(02:24):
As I said, this week andprobably next week, we're going
to probably stretch this out intwo different episodes.
We're going to be talking aboutboundaries in marriage, and I
think this is an area that a lotof people struggle sometimes as
knowing where to set thoseboundaries.
When is it okay to setboundaries?
And we're going to knock somemyths out of some of the
boundaries this week.
So we're going to.
We're pretty excited aboutthese episodes and hope that
they'll minister to you guys inyour situation.

(02:45):
So this week we're going to betalking about boundaries in
marriage.
So boundaries, they are meantto increase love, faith and
respect in marriage.
They create structure so we'reaccountable to each other and

(03:09):
help resolve conflict quicklyinstead of letting it escalate.
Sometimes people are passive inconflict because they're afraid
or they feel guilty, but theyend up not bringing any truth to
the situation and then they inturn enable that behavior.
Not bringing up issues is notgracious, because truth without
any grace is judgment, but gracewithout any truth is a license

(03:31):
to continue.
When you're frustrated, youshould bring up your concerns
right then, and I think that'swhy Paul talks about solving
conflicts in a timely manner inEphesians 4.26.
This approach is being seen inboth grace and truth.
When making boundaries, it'sgood to be specific by saying
when you're upset, I would likefor you to speak to me in a

(03:52):
loving tone.
You can still be truthful to me.
It must be that specific becausethe other person could say I
can't please you, I can't dowhat you want, but if you can
make it specific, then you canhave a conversation.
You should always end aconflict with a commitment to
change, because habits are hardto change.
There must be a willingness totalk again and have

(04:14):
conversations about how thechange is going.
Having reasonableaccountability and specificness
helps make these new habitsstick over time.
So as we get started into thisweek's episode, I'm talking
about boundaries.
I know within our marriage youknow we've had a lot of issues
in different places at differenttimes in our marriage.
We've had some major issueswith boundaries because we

(04:37):
didn't really approach thosecorrectly and it is an ongoing
learning process, I think whatwas boundaries?

I don't know, I'm pretty sure I don't think we
had any, and I love this, thefact that there's biblical
boundaries in marriage.

Yeah, and so what we're going to do here, as we
start off, there's differentkinds of boundaries, and I guess
what we'll probably need to dofirst we're going to define
those is what we're going to do.
And so in marriage there's fourdifferent boundaries that we
look at.
One of those is emotional,one's physical, one's spiritual

(05:14):
and one's relational.
So right off the bat here westart looking at this, and when
we think, well, boundariesaren't that big of an issue,
well, really, they encompassevery portion of our very being.
I mean, we can have boundariesin all different areas that all
come together to form that bigpicture.
And so what we're going to dohere first of all, is we're
going to define some of theseboundaries so that we can have

(05:37):
an understanding exactly whatwe're talking about here as we
talk about these different kindsof boundaries.
So the first one is emotionalboundaries, and those refer to
the healthy limits that a couplesets to protect each other's
emotional well-being, and italso ensures mutual respect and
promotes a safe and supportiverelationship.
These boundaries help bothpartners remain emotionally

(05:59):
secure while allowing intimacyand growth.
So we're going to break down afew emotional boundaries that
might be included in marriagethis week, and the first one is
respecting individual feelings.
Tell us a little bit about thatone.

So allowing each partner to feel and express
their emotions without judgmentor minimization, avoiding
dismissive responses like you'reoverreacting or that's not a
big deal.

Okay.
So within this one here, thisone's probably a big one in all
reality in a lot of differentmarriages, because it's real
easy and this kind of rolls overto communication even, because
sometimes we feel like we can'ttalk to each other because we're
going to get judged or thethings that we have to say might

(06:51):
be super, you know, you mighthave something to say that's
super important to you, but Imay look at it like that's not
that big a deal, you know, and Iwant to minimize it, and so
then that makes you the nexttime when you come back around
you're you think twice aboutwanting to talk to me about that
stuff, you know, because is hegoing to just minimize it again,
or is she going to, or is hegoing to understand that this is

(07:13):
something that's important tome?
And you know how many timeshave we gotten into
conversations where it got alittle heated in the past and
you know we basically was, youknow, treating each other like,
you know, you're justoverreacting about this, or you
know that's really not that bigof a deal.
There's bigger things we needto think about, you know, and I

(07:33):
think that you know there'stimes that we've actually, you
know, done that in ourrelationship, and when that
stuff happens, really it's twodifferent people on two
different planes at that point,and so you have to figure out,
as a married couple, how you cancome together in unity on these
things.
The things that don't seem bigto me I need to change that.

(07:57):
The things that you don't thinkis all that big deal.
You know from my side of it.
We need to be open to seeing.
You know both sides of thatequation.
The second part of this isprotecting emotional space, and
that's recognizing when apartner needs time to process
feelings or decompress withoutpressuring them to engage, and
that also means not demandingimmediate emotional availability

(08:18):
when the other person needsspace.

That's hard.

That's very difficult.

I, you know I struggled with that.
I mean, I I'm a, you know, Ithink sometimes let's talk about
it now, let's talk about it nowand you need your time and your
space and I pushed you into it,which I think at that point in
time you got frustrated with mebecause it's like I wasn't
listening to you.
So you have to be careful withthat.

Yeah, and I think that this is probably a spot
where a lot of couples haveissue is whenever they get to an
argument.
Or maybe it's not even anargument, maybe you're just
upset about something, butyou're not ready to talk.
And then you have that personthat comes along, whether it's
your spouse or whoever it may bepushing you.
Come on?

(09:06):
What is it?
Just talk to me, what is it.
You know, yeah, sooner or lateryou probably need to unload and
talk about it, but you're goingto have to have that boundary
set there when you are ready todo that?

Yeah, and I think the other person needs to
respect that.
You know yes.

In a codependent relationship and this happens a
lot where one spouse kind ofrules the roost, I guess is the
best way to put that you haveone spouse that's really
overbearing on the other spouseand they take it upon themselves
as their responsibility toregulate their other spouse's
emotions all the time.
I believe, that was me.

(09:40):
They try to call the shots, youknow, and so that's something
that you really need to avoid.
Try to call the shots, you know, and so that's something that
you really need to avoid andwe'll talk a little bit more
about that later on because eachperson needs to be their own
individual person yes.
Within themselves.
The next one's managingemotional responsibility, and

(10:08):
that's taking ownership of yourown feelings rather than blaming
your spouse for how you feel.
You know how many times inconversations we should have
those conversations where youknow I feel hurt when you did
this or you made me feel likethis when you said that.
You know we've got to be honestwith each other and you know,
be careful with some of thatstuff that takes place.
You know when that happens.
The next one is healthycommunication of needs and

(10:28):
limits, and read that one to us.

Clearly expressing what is emotionally
acceptable or not.
An example of I need you tospeak kindly to me during
disagreements, being honestabout emotional triggers or
sensitivities, while beingrespectful of your partners.

So here we have, how healthy communication can
take place, and this issomething that you and I had to
learn over time, because wewould go at each other instead
of try to work with each other.
We would go at each otherinstead of try to work with each
other.
And it's in a relationship orin really in any kind of
relationship, even if it's not amarriage.

(11:11):
If you're not open to carryingon a civil conversation, it's
not usually going to go well,right, right.
You know.
And so when it comes to theseemotional areas in marriage
especially, you need to makesure that there's some
boundaries set there where youknow this does kind of open it
up, to where we are a safe spacefor each other, because I need

(11:33):
to be able to say like, if I popoff at you and I say something
mean out of the moment, becauseI'm just not thinking or
whatever, then you should beable to have that safe space to
come back and say, hey, thathurts me.
We need to stop this for amoment and talk to each other a
little bit more civilly aboutthis, and then that should check
my spirit and make me, you know, change the way that I'm coming

(11:54):
into this conversation.
And that's something that a lotof couples also have issues
with, I think, because if one isso adamant that they're right
and the other one is wrong andthey want to prove their point,
then if they're not open tobeing civil in their discussion
because they're trying so hardto push their thought process
and the whole situation, it canreally escalate that and really

(12:18):
create some really bad argumentsand some bad fights.
So that's another part there ofthe emotional boundary in
marriage that we need to becareful of.

And I think a lot of times you know, if your
partner is speaking to you in away that you don't want, you
need to just stop and just say Iknow you probably don't mean it
this way, but this is how Ifeel, you know and kind of
deactivate that atmosphere ofaccusing or whatever to where

(12:47):
you know.
And a lot of times now I mean Ilook at it, is this
conversation good?
Is it going to grow us?
Did he pop off?
How would I respond if it waslike?
I know this is crazy, butsometimes I think how would I
respond if that was god, likeyou know, would I respond in a
loving manner?
Would I respond?
You know, obviously wouldn'trespond in a hateful manner.

(13:08):
But a lot of times I have tostep back and think I mean,
sometimes I'm joking Like we hadthat discussion in the car one
day.
We, I was joking with Dan, butbecause of our past it was kind
of like a trigger.
I mean he's like I know, youmean, and I was like no, you
know.
But then if I go back and thinkabout it, the emotional side
that we went through andeverything that could be a

(13:29):
trigger, and you know, you'reready to talk that out and I was
joking around and it's like youknow, sometimes things are
meant to be joking around but atthe same time, when you're in
the heat of the moment, in theemotions, you have to be very,
very careful in what you say.

Yeah, but it's good that we're to the point now
where, when that does happen,we know to stop right there and
talk it out.
I could have just not saidnothing and then went the rest
of the day just upset becauseyou.
And we did go through a time Ithought that looked like
something when it wasn't.

Hey, you don't know how much I appreciate that,
though, because of all theyears we've went through.
But I remember also, when youknow we had date night, we would
go back and I would say, hey,during this period of time like
the week from week when we'dhave it I'd be like you said
this, and I'm not sure exactlywhat you meant by this, but I've

(14:24):
kept that in here, like solet's talk about it and
sometimes that's good to do.
I mean, I feel like it's greatto do.
If you can't do it at thatmoment and that person needs
space, bring it back up to makesure that you're both on the
same page and that communicationis there.

Yeah, you got to be able to clear your mind.

Yeah.

That stuff just builds if you don't, and that's
not a good thing to have thatsitting inside there and just
getting a bigger, bigger monsterin the room.

Especially if you hold grudges.

Yes, you need to get that out immediately or as
soon as possible.
Speak it out or pray about itwhen both of you are emotionally
available to each other.
The next one is protectingagainst emotional abuse or
manipulation, and this is a bigone, I think, in marriages when
it comes to emotional boundaries, and it can be this way even
with relatives or friends.

(15:13):
This one's huge.

Read the points under that one, setting limits
around behaviors like guilttripping, gaslighting, silent
treatment or emotional blackmail, behaviors like guilt tripping,
gaslighting, silent treatmentor emotional blackmail.
Ensuring each partner feelssafe to be vulnerable, without
fear or manipulation.
And I think about this onebecause I went through that in

(15:39):
my first marriage.
I'm trying not to cry becausetoday has just been one of those
days.
When it comes to marriage, myheart is just for it and I've
just done nothing but shed tears.
But I've been in that situationliterally, where, you know, I
felt like everything was myfault when it wasn't even my
fault and it just tore me down.
And I know we have had anepisode talking about that, but
it's not healthy at all.

No, and I think one big thing that happens in
marriages is we never want to bewrong, we always want to be the
one that's right in theconversation, and so a lot of
times our very first instinct isto guilt trip, and this happens
even with kids.

I was going to say, when you say guilt trip,
that's what I did with ourdaughter.
Like you know, there werethings that I know that I did
daughter.
Like you know, there was thingsthat I know that I did.
I look back now and I'm like,oh gosh, you know not a horrible
person, but I back then Ididn't realize that I was doing
what I was doing.
But you can do that with yourchildren to make them want to do

(16:38):
what you want to do, and that'snot.
It can mess a child up.

Yeah, and this is part of being married your
family.
And so when you're looking atthis gaslighting, guilt tripping
and the silent treatment orthat emotional blackmail, the
different things that we can doto each other to be mean and
manipulative, that doesn't justspeak to you and the spouse that
can happen on that can trickledown to your kids, especially in
a blended marriage situation.

(17:04):
Spouse that can happen on thatcan trickle down to your kids,
especially in a blended marriagesituation.
That's a huge one that you haveto be super careful of and make
sure you're not doing that orallowing that to happen.
And because it does, it takesthat safe space away between you
and your partner, your spouse,and it makes that other spouse
or even your kids.
It makes them vulnerable tohave that fear of being

(17:25):
manipulated all the time.
And you can rewrite somebody'spsyche, their emotions.
You can rewrite who they reallyare in their minds when you
continually pound them withgaslighting and guilt tripping
and all this kind of thing.

And for listeners, for people who have
no idea what gaslighting is,because it took me forever,
because somebody said one day Iwas had a situation where
someone accused me of it and I'mlike what in the so?
What is gaslighting?
Gaslighting is a psychologicalmanipulation of a person,
usually over an extended periodof time, that causes the victim

(18:03):
to question the validity oftheir own thoughts, perception
of reality or memories, andtypically leads to confusion,
loss of confidence andself-esteem, uncertainty of
one's emotional or mentalstability, and a dependency on
the perpetrator.

Yeah.
So basically that's much betterstated than what I would have
been able to put out there.
That's a deep, deep definitionthere.
But when somebody believessomething and they tell you what
they believe, but then you comeat them and you speak over them
something differently and itgoes to the point where you
eventually change their thoughtprocess on what they believe.
But then you come at them andyou speak over them something
differently and it goes to thepoint where you eventually

(18:42):
change their thought process onwhat they really thought.
That was, whether, if it's alie or not, you eventually
manipulate someone intobelieving the way that you
believe, even though that maynot be the correct way of
believing.
They call that gaslightingwhenever that takes place.
Now there's a lot of people tothrow gaslighting around when
it's not truly gaslighting,that's the situation that we had

(19:05):
.
They think they know what thatmeans, but there's times that
that's used that that's notreally the case.

And who knew that would even be a word?
I mean, my goodness.
We've never heard that worduntil what?
Two years ago?
Like what in the?
What in the?

world, so they're always coming up with new things
.
It's very interesting, it'sridiculous.
And then the last one here onemotional boundaries is
prioritizing emotional honestyand integrity.
So another boundary that we canput in place in marriage
emotionally is by being openabout what you're feeling,
rather than bottling up orhiding emotions to avoid
conflict, and then choosinghonesty over passive aggression

(19:41):
or emotional withdrawal.
This was my problem.
I did not want to have conflictwith you, so I chose not to say
things and did not communicatewith you, because I knew that if
I didn't say nothing, wewouldn't have the argument, we
wouldn't have the discussion, Iwouldn't hear things I didn't
want to hear and I would justwithdraw.
I mean this whole thing right.

(20:01):
Here is a description of who Iwas at the beginning of our
marriage and of course, some ofthat was in place because of
emotional baggage I had comingout of my first marriage because
of things that were notresolved from back.
Then I carried that over intoour marriage and then I allowed
that to start happening againuntil I took control over that
and we went through everythingthat we did to almost getting a

(20:23):
divorce and really me opening upmy reality of where I'm at in
this relationship.

Well and I think that goes on my part too, of
being like, let's talk about it,just pushing things.
I mean, I think both of us hadthat, like that issue.
Yours wasn't, yours wasspecifically this, but mine was
one of the other ones.
And you know, communicating ina healthy manner is not like
fucking you to get it out.
And like you know and I thinkthis comes back to your
relationship with christ, youknow, if you have a healthy

(20:51):
relationship with christ, yourmarriage should exemplify that
within your marriage.
You know, if your relationshipwith God is like that, because
you talk to God, you know, talkto your spouse, like you know
he's your best friend and youguys are one, you remember.

Yeah, so we need to make sure that when we do
have these communications, thatwe don't hold things back and it
takes a special place in yourrelationship to make that happen
.
Yeah, but that's the part ofthe relationship that needs to
be nurtured in marriage.
So the next one here isphysical boundaries in marriage,

(21:37):
and these involve respectingeach other's personal space,
comfort levels and bodilyautonomy, even within the
intimacy of a committedrelationship.
When you have these boundariesin place, they help foster trust
, safety and mutual respect.
So the first one here ispersonal space.
One spouse may need alone timein a certain room to rest, pray
or decompress.
The other spouse respects thatwithout interruption.

(22:00):
So we talked a little bit aboutthis, I think, in our last
episode about how spouses shouldlike to do the same things.
That was a myth, that we bustedlast week?

Definitely not true.

You know, there's times that you might need to be
taking a nap where I'm just fullof life and ready to go ride
bikes or hike or whatever.
That's not really true.

He does not do that.
That's just an example.
That's too much exertion for me, but there may be times, you
know that you need to go off inprayer.

I need to go off in or just some decompression
time, and that's not a time tobe physically busting in on
somebody and physically changingthe whole situation.
No, we're going to do this.
You know you don't need thattime.

I like your example, though Asking before
entering the bathroom or bedroomif the door is closed.

Yeah, and you know we've done that because, if you
remember, there was times youknow there's been times in our
marriage where you've had someemotional stuff going on I guess
is the best way to put this andyou would go off to the room
and close the door and then Iwould give you a little bit of
time.
Then I'd finally come up andsay, hey, you know, can I come
in?
You know, come and talk to you.

(23:15):
So that's kind of where thatheads.
You've got to be aware of yourspouse's emotional state, what's
going on in their life at thatmoment.
And you know, just becauseyou're married doesn't give you
license just to bust in on themevery time you think you feel
like it, when they're goingthrough something.
You need to give them that time.

And I think that for us, that's mostly for me,
because you know, when you sayemotional stuff I'm a female, so
you know there's.
I mean, I went through a timewhen my dad was murdered.
I really had to take a lot oftime, you know, to myself to
figure things out.

The second one is physical affection and intimacy.
So read us that one.

One spouse may not be comfortable with certain
kinds of touch in public, suchas kissing or long hugs.
The other honors thatpreference.
The example is discussing andagreeing on how and when
physical intimacy happens,ensuring it's always mutual and
never forced, even in marriage,and this is one thing that Dan

(24:16):
and I we had to work on toourselves.
You know, I love to hold hands,I love to be right next to
Daniel.
I'm more of a touchy-feely Iwouldn't say touchy-feely, but I
like to have you by my side andI love that.
And you know, at first youweren't used to that and so now

(24:39):
it's just automatic.
We just get right next to eachother and hold hands or
something like that, and we'remore affectionate.
But I do think that has to be.
You have to understand if apartner is not ready for that
and you need to talk to them andmeet in the middle If that's
not something they'recomfortable with.
You need to make sure thatyou're like hey, give them time,

(25:01):
pray about it, you know.

Yeah, yeah.
It's something that some peoplejust don't like to.
They don't want people in theirpersonal space sometimes.

I don't like you in my face, am I right?
Yeah, there's certain things.
There's things like stay out ofmy face.
I don't like it.

There's definitely boundaries that needs to be in
place there.

Respect each other Right.

Yeah.
So the next couple here inphysical boundaries is consent
and comfort.
Even in marriage, consentmatters.
One spouse may say I'm not inthe mood for physical affection
right now and the other respectsthat without guilt tripping
yeah.
So that kind of goes with thislast one a little bit.
So you know there's times thatthings are okay and times that

(25:44):
things aren't okay, right, andmake sure that you're, you know,
aware of that and you respectthat absolutely.
The next one is appearance andbody autonomy, where one spouse
doesn't pressure the other todress or look a certain way,
recognizing that that their bodyis their own.

So sorry hon, I like to dress you.

But I don't mind that either.

I'm reading that and I'm like is that really?
I think that's toward me, youknow.

She's got the fashion thing and I don't, and I
acknowledge that.
So it's jeans and t-shirt,shorts and T-shirt for me.

And he'll come out and I'm like it doesn't
match.
He's like what do you mean?
Black on black?
And I'm like no, it does not gotogether.

Yeah, so I just, you know, let her dress me
sometimes no big deal.

Now I know why that one's in there, yeah.

The next one is respecting boundaries with
others and that's agreeing onwhat physical closeness with
people outside the marriage,such as friends, coworkers et
cetera, is appropriate, likehugging, touching or being alone
with the opposite sex, andsetting boundaries around those
who enter your shared space.
You know, like family stayingover how long guests can visit

(26:58):
things like that so that'sanother one there in physical.
And you know, like familystaying over how long guests can
visit things like that sothat's another one there in
physical.
And you know there's thosepeople that are opposite sex
friends that might not be superclose friends but they just love
to touch and hug everybody thatthey walk by.
And people like that make meuncomfortable because they want
to come up and they're talking,they're rubbing your back and
they're patting you on theshoulder.
You know it's like I've got.

(27:19):
You know you're standing over,close to me and it's like this
is not.
This is awkward.
You know it's like.
You know people like that getinto my space.
Yes, but some people are OKwith that kind of interaction
with people that are friends andthe spouses don't think nothing
about it, but you just need toknow where those boundaries are.
Yeah, and make sure that there'sno issue there going on.

And it's funny because that's happened before
and I can see Dan's face andit's like he's so, like this, is
so awkward, and I'm over therejust dying laughing because it's
bothering him.
And you know that person has noidea and he's just like what do
we do?
And his eyes are just I'mslowly walking sideways.
Get your hand off of me Note toself if you ever see, daniel,

(28:03):
I'm telling you guys, just go upand just tap him on the
shoulder and just start running.

Oh yeah, exactly Don't take her advice, the last
one here in physical is handlingconflict physically, and of
course we know what that meansPhysical intimidation, blocking
doorways, throwing stuff duringarguments, picking your spouse
up, throwing them at the wall.
You know all that bad stuffthat happens when fights take

(28:29):
place.

It's not healthy .

It's not a healthy way to be, and especially
you've got kids sitting therewatching it, it makes it even
worse.
So the next one is spiritualboundaries, and each spouse
maintains a personalrelationship with God while also

(28:50):
growing together spiritually.
They involve respectingdifferences in beliefs,
practices and spiritual pace,and ensuring that spiritual
leadership or influence is notused to control or manipulate,
and so the first couple here isrespecting individuals walks
with God, and so this mayencompass something like one
spouse prefers quiet time withGod in the morning, while the

(29:13):
other connects more during theevening, and they support each
other's rhythms rather thanforcing a shared routine, and
you and I that is so an examplethat I get up around 530 each
morning during the week to dosome Bible reading and she gets
up every once in a while butmore often than not she does
anything that she does more inthe evenings and that kind of
thing.

(29:33):
That's when she functions betterand see, I don't function as
well in the evening.
I feel like that if I get upearly in the morning, that it's
quieter and I can just retainthings better as I read where.
You're opposite of that, but wedon't argue and fight over that
.

No, and I guess this is, you know, something
that's bothered me, because I'vealways heard start your day
with God, you know, start yourday with Bible reading and stuff
like that.
And you know, know, I do prayin the morning but I don't start
in my bible, and you know,sometimes that can really it
bothers me, but you've, you know, you've always been good about

(30:10):
assuring me that.
Hey, you know you're differentthan me.
This isn't the best way youlearn and but for some of those
people that really think, okay,this needs to be this way, just
remember, your walk with God isyour walk with God.

Right, yeah, make sure that, regardless of what
you both think about it, or whatsociety may try to tell you,
what culture may try to tell youthe things that you do, that
actually helps you grow in Godand move forward in your walk
with God.
If something's working, juststick with it.
Don't worry if it's in themorning or if it's in the
evening, afternoon, it does notmatter.
The important thing is thatyou're carrying on the

(30:49):
relationship with God like youshould be, and you're growing.

And I like the fact in the evening we both have
books.
When we go to bed, we bothreally we sit down and we just
like read our books.
Like you have a marriage bookand I have a Christian book, and
so we're just kind of takingour individual time and if I
want to sleep, I sleep, if youwant to, you know vice versa.
And so we always respect eachother when but I, I don't think

(31:14):
we did when the very beginningof our marriage.
I mean, this has come a longways for us.

Yeah, it has, and it's just things you learn as
you go along.
But it's best if you put itinto play at the beginning.

Yes.

Just give each other their space when it comes
to their God time and theirquiet time.

This is a good one.

The next one is honoring differences in
spiritual maturity and beliefs.
Tell us about that one.

One spouse is more spiritually mature or
involved in a church leadership,but doesn't belittle or
pressure the other to catch up.
He put an example in this Ifspouses are from different
denominations, they agree oncore values while giving space
for minor differences inexpression or worship, and this
is a really good one.

I've got experience, yes, in this one.

Yes, in both areas.

Yes, like for both examples, I mean I think this
is really good.
Yeah, so you're going to havethe spouse that when you go to
church, that one's going to feelmore led to serve in multiple
areas where sometimes not allthe time, the other spouse may
only want to do one you know,like me, I'm only in one spot
and and so well, you're in acouple actually I am, but we do
marriage ministry?

as well at church.

But I do two, I guess, plus the marriage.
So I do one more than what youdo, but I don't ride you about
that, or you don't ride me aboutthat.

I did, I'd punch you.

Yeah, it's, you have to allow people.
Some people are they just, theydo well at serving, and others
it's a stretch for them to doserving for whatever reasons.

And Well, even having a deeper relationship
with Christ, you know to where,like, if you are deeper in
Christ than where I am.
Yeah, you're not getting upsetat me, you're letting me have my
walk with God.

Not pressure to catch up.

Yeah, I really like that.
That's really really good.

Well, some I think some people can study the Bible
well and they can really retaina lot from it where others
struggle.

That would be me .

And you know there's no reason for you know
I'm thankful for the gift Godhas given me and but I'm also
thankful that he's gave me agood godly spouse like you, that
, even though you may not getinto that as deep as I do, or
you know, you always tell me,like you can't, you don't retain
that as easily, or whatever Ihave to write everything down.

(33:41):
You have to write everythingdown.
I respect that.
You know I this isn't a hill todie on.
Just be thankful your spouse isinterested in God and wants to
have a godly marriage, like youdo, and wants to go to church
with you, and you know, just bethankful that you cause.
There's people out the otherside of this where, if you're in
different denominations I wasactually in that with my first

(34:03):
marriage and it didn't work andso you have to be careful with
you.
You get into the unequallyyoked thing where it it can't
fix itself.

You guys didn't even have the same core values.

They weren't.
They were completely different,and so you have to be careful
with who you mix and mingleyourself with, because if you
get into something expecting itto be long term, it may not be
because your differences are sobad that you can't.
You can't have it anymore, andthat's pretty much what happened
with us.
Our, our church lives were sodifferent, because of the

(34:35):
denominations that we were in,that we could not come to an
agreement and it ended uppulling us both out of church.
And so you don't want that tohappen, and so you have to
respect each other's spiritualmaturity and belief differences
within your marriages.
There's just no way around that.
The next one is avoidingspiritual manipulation, and I've

(34:55):
seen this happen quite a fewtimes where spouses let those
scriptures at their other spouseto try to control their
behavior.
And we do this to our kids too.
When you have kids in thefamily, this is something else
that happens quite often.
But you'll see spousesmisquoting submit to your
husband, you know, to silencedisagreements or whatever.

(35:16):
There's a lot of that's justone example, but there's a lot
of you know marriages out therewhere the husbands are very
dominating in the relationshipand in order to justify what
they're doing, they'll usescriptures like this to stay in
domination, when that's notreally what God meant.
God meant for me and you to beequals.

(35:36):
Yes, the husband is the head ofthe home, but that does not
give me the license to throw atyou.
You know, when you do somethingthat I don't appreciate or
whatever, hey, the Bible saysyou submit to me, so you're
going to do what I tell you todo.
That's not what that means, youknow what I'd tell you?
You'd tell me to go jump in thelake.

No, I'd tell you I'd punch you.

After yeah, and then tell me to go jump in the
lake.
No, I wouldn't, I just forgetshe's got to be violent first
and then she gets reactive.

I like that punch in the face thing, and
I've never punched him in theface, just saying no, she hasn't
.

But this is not a good thing to do.

No.

As far as taking scripture out of context and
misquoting Scripture just to getyour agenda within your
relationship.

And did you say the next example?
Okay, go ahead, I like this one.

The next one here in avoiding spiritual
manipulation is not declaring.
God told me we have to do thisin a way that shuts down honest
discussion or mutual decisionmaking.
That shuts down honestdiscussion or mutual
decision-making because you andI both know that sometimes,
regardless of how close we areto God and how much we go to
church and how much we read ourBible, there's times that I

(36:49):
might make a decision onsomething, or you might make a
decision on something that me oryou see differently, and so we
have to step back for a minuteand say okay, so is there more
of me in this equation than God?
Right, right, or is God reallyin this?

And correct me if I'm wrong, and maybe this is
something I'm just thinking inmy head is if God told you to do
something, if you have arelationship with Christ,
wouldn't your wife kind ofsomewhat feel that way?
There should be an agreement.

When you have words from the Lord like that,
it's good to have confirmationfrom other places and whether if
that is your spouse or if it'sjust it can be from anything
really, you could open the Bibleor your scripture and it
confirm what you feel in yourspirit.
Or a friend could say something,hear a message, you know sermon
on the internet and it confirmsthat there's just different
ways.
But definitely if you'remarried, then your spouse

(37:45):
probably needs to be the firstone you need to bounce that off
of, because if they're in tunewith Christ and they have good
discernment, then you shouldvalue what they have to say over
this decision that you'remaking, because you think God
told you to do that.
After all, if I say that Godtold me to do something, who's
going to get drug into that?
Eventually you.
So we have to make sure thatboth of us are on the same page

(38:09):
with that and we both pray thatthrough and we both have a piece
, especially if it's a bigdecision, and we have to make
sure that we both have peace inthat and I remember I think it
was Pastor Jimmy Evans he wouldtalk about Karen, you know.

He'd pray about stuff and he felt one way and
then Karen would be praying andshe'd come to him and say
something and he'd be like, ohwow, yeah, she's right, you know
, and I really like that and Imean I appreciate the just
transparency that he spoke that,because it's like sometimes,
you know whether it vice versa,you have to listen to that

(38:45):
spouse and that opencommunication and the honest
stuff has to be there in orderfor you guys to talk about that
and don't just say God told meto do this.
You know it needs to be prayedabout as a couple, as one.

Yeah, Don't over-spiritualize it.
Yeah, you know, if you're in adiscussion and you're getting
tired of you know, if you'rementioning this to your spouse
and your spouse keeps comingback with all the reasons you
shouldn't be doing this andyou're just you're getting
exhausted in the communicationand whatever you know, just
don't go to this just to shutthe conversation down.
Well, God told me to do thisand we're done Not talking about

(39:20):
it anymore and that's not theway to handle that discussion.

I always get nervous about when I think that,
because I'm like okay, dan, canyou pray with me about this?
Because this is the way I feeland I mean, you know, I feel
like God is speaking to me likethis, and could you pray with me
?
And you know, trying to readthrough scripture and everything
, and it is, it has thatconfirmation, you know.

So the fourth one here on spiritual boundaries in
marriage is personal versusshared spiritual practices.
So here one spouse may want tofast or attend a retreat, the
other supports it but doesn'tfeel obligated to join unless
they feel personally led.
The other example is onepartner may journal their

(40:04):
prayers or enjoy solitude withGod, and that space is respected
without invasion or judgment.
And this was a big one, becausethere are times where I know
for myself.
When I grew up I always thoughtthat, you know, of course we do
our churchwide fast and wealways have one or two of those

(40:24):
per year at our church, and soat that point in time of course
everybody that Phil's led tojumps on that bandwagon and goes
ahead and does the fast.
You know corporately.
But there are times, even inmarriages, where just
individually, you may havesomething going on in your life
that God speaks to you and sayyou know, let's fast and pray
about this for a week or so, butyour spouse may not have that

(40:47):
same inclination you know, sothat doesn't mean you don't do
it, because if God's telling youto do a fast and to pray about
something, you probably need tolisten, because there's probably
something going on there thatneeds to be taken care of in the
long run, and that's what it'sgoing to take.
But the other spouse, if theydon't feel led to be doing that
fast with you, then theyshouldn't feel forced to join

(41:08):
that, because then they're notgoing to get nothing out of it.
Because you go into a fast andyou go into a time of prayer
expecting that's the wholereason that you do that fast and
pray You're expecting someanswers, you're expecting some
changes, you're expecting God tomove in a mighty way.
Well, if your spouse doesn'thave that going on in their mind
frame right at that moment,then they're just going along

(41:30):
with you, along for the ride.
They're not really gettinganything out of that.
And so don't force each other toparticipate in those things.
Now, if you both feel led, gofor it, you know.
And then journaling is the sameway.
Michelle likes to journal morethan I do.

And I've actually I do, but I mean I
think mostly now more since theAbide class.
You know, listen to it and onthe podcast Rise Up podcast you
know they've had their classeson there and it's very.
It helps you understand theBible a lot more, and so I'm

(42:06):
very thankful for that.

Yeah, and then a couple more here on spiritual
boundaries.
The first one is church andministry involvement, that's
agreeing on how much time tocommit to church service or
ministry to avoid burnout orneglect of the family, and
that's a big one.
Yes burnout or neglect of thefamily, and that's a big one.
Yes, if one spouse doesn't feelcalled to a certain ministry or
role, the other doesn't forceparticipation out of guilt or
image management, and a goodexample of that would be well,

(42:30):
the wife wants to serve in kids,so she drags her husband in
there.
Or the husband wants to servein youth and drags the wife in
there.
And for a while I was on theprayer team at church.
I wanted you to come down thereand be part of that prayer team
with me for the longest time,but you wouldn't.
That's not what God called youto do, and so I went ahead and
done what I felt like God wantedme to do for that season.

(42:51):
And you've done somethingdifferently, but I never did put
a guilt trip on you to get youdown there.
So that's kind of that part ofthat one.
And then the last one here, onspiritual boundaries, is leading
and submitting with love andmutual respect, and that's where
a husband we're called tospiritual leadership in the home
, but at the same time we talkedabout this just a while ago I

(43:12):
seek your input and I value yourspiritual insight rather than
ruling over you.
And then a wife who is strongin faith encourages her
husband's growth gently, not bycomparison or criticism, and
that's another good one, becauseagain that comes back to where
you're misquoting things oryou're gaslighting.

(43:33):
I guess you could say You'remanipulating by criticizing and
trying to get your agenda inplace by doing that and closing
up this week's episode.
The last one is relationalboundaries in marriage, and

(43:54):
these are guidelines thatcouples set to protect the
health, trust and exclusivity oftheir relationship, especially
in how they interact with others, such as friends, families,
co-workers and with each other.
So these boundaries helpprevent emotional entanglements,
unhealthy attachments andexternal interference in the

(44:14):
marriage.
So the first one here isopposite sex friendships, and
it's probably the first one fora reason.
This is a big one A spousechooses not to have close
one-on-one friendships withmembers of the opposite sex
unless their spouse is presentor aware, to avoid emotional
affairs or suspicion.
And then along with that issharing text or conversations
with transparency and notsecrecy, especially when it
involves someone who could be apotential temptation.

(44:37):
So that's a big relationalboundary that we all need to
have in place in our marriages,and we did a full episode on
that last fall in our marriageseries.
The next one is prioritizingthe marriage over extended
family.
So give us that one.

This one's hard.

Yeah.

A spouse sets a boundary with their parents by
saying we'll discuss this as acouple and get back to you,
instead of letting family makedecisions for your marriage.
We're protecting your spousefrom disrespect by family
members and not allowing in-lawsto meddle in private marital
issues.

So, yeah, we've got an episode on that also, and
actually that was actually themost popular episode in our
marriage series.
That was the one where wetalked about ditching your
parents it's, it's, it's hardit's a hard one especially, I
think more for females.

but then again there are times that boys are
mama's boys and I can see wherethey would, you know, if they
talk to their mom and the momsays something, then they take
it back to the spouse.
Or you know, even, as you know,myself I don't I mean I'm not
now I don't listen to my parents, or I mean my mom, I do listen

(45:57):
to her.
Let me that's.
That sounds so disrespectful.
I do listen to her and I takeheart, but we don't really
discuss our marriage stuff oranything like that.
I mean, occasionally we will,but you know, I think she's
learned over the years we'regoing to do what we want to do
and she trusts us that you knowGod's leading us in the right
direction.
But back when we first gotmarried, I mean that was tough,

(46:21):
you know they didn't like you, Imean I think tough.
You know they didn't like you.
Yeah, I mean, I think theyliked you, but they didn't like
you.

Yeah.

They didn't like the way.

I did certain things and got me a nickname
Sergeant Dan.
Sergeant Dan, yeah.

But you know, looking back at it, our
relationship wasn't healthy andyou know, your relationship with
the kids was not handledappropriately either.
I mean, there were so manythings that were wrong and you
know, and I'm so thankful forforgiveness because you know we
went to our children, we'veasked for forgiveness, you know,
and you know my dad's not here,but I know no fact he loved you

(46:57):
so much and my mom loves you, Imean and I look at it now
things are so different, butpeople need to make sure that
they set their boundaries withthe parents.
You know your parents don't ruleyou.
You and your spouse cometogether and make decisions for
God and you know it's not you,your husband or you.

(47:18):
You know your wife and yourhusband, whatever and your
parents.
Yeah, it are you, your parents.
Yeah, it's either you and me.

Yeah, we always come back to that scripture in
Genesis where the man cleaves tohis wife, leaves his parents
and they become one.
They don't become four.
So make sure you shed the othertwo off.
That's biblical.
I love it.
That's not, you know, overusinga scripture in a wrong form or
fashion.
That's actually using it theway it should be.

So yeah, so good .

They're there for support, if needed, for some
help, you know, during some badtimes, some good examples they
can give you or whatever.

Well, if I go back to the podcast that we did
with Scotty and Vicki, vickiwill talk about her father and
how he talked to her, aboutScotty, you know, and he was a
praying man and so you knowsometimes that advice from your
parents, because you knowthey're godly parents you have
to step back and pray about itand listen.

Yeah.
The next one is handlingfriendships when it comes to
relationship boundaries,limiting time with friends who
are bad influences on themarriage, such as those who
encourage gossip, negativityabout spouses or unfaithfulness,
and avoid venting about yourspouse to friends, especially of
the opposite sex, which canlead to emotional disconnection
from your marriage.

(48:39):
So that one there's prettyself-explanatory.
You know, whoever you runaround, you're going to end up
being like.

So thankful for godly friendships.

Yes, you've got to make sure you keep those
friendships within yourmarriages and individually.
Both Make sure those are goodfriendships.

They encourage you, you know.

Yeah, that negativity and all that other
stuff needs to not even be apart of your relationship.
And then protecting timetogether.
That's setting boundariesaround work hours, social events
or digital devices so qualitytime as a couple isn't
consistently neglected.
And then also turning downsocial limitations if they
conflict with planned datenights or family time.

That's really hard.

It is.

It is, I think that's even you know, sometimes
just for you, and I, I mean, Ifeel I've told him this morning,
I'm like it's go, go, go go,it's non-stop, and he's like it
keeps us young and I'm like itexhausted me.
You know, it's like you know,but we love it, you know, and
it's you do have to protect thatand you know, making sure that

(49:41):
we still have time together.

Yeah, the next one here is social media and online
boundaries, and that kind ofgoes along with this last one
that we just went throughAgreeing not to post about
marital struggles or argumentsonline.
That's something that somepeople really like to do Air
their baggage out there for thewhole world to see, instead of
fixing it internally first andnot posting none of that stuff,

(50:05):
and then being open withpasswords or social activity to
foster trust, while stillrespecting privacy and not
secrecy.
And I'm telling you this is abig one.
People may disagree with me onthis, but I think that when you
have passwords on your devices,your spouse should know what
they are.

Absolutely.

I do not think there's any excuse whatsoever at
any given moment or time whereyour spouse should not be
allowed to know what thosepasswords are, unless those
devices are work-related,because I know sometimes where
you work.
If they give you a phone orsomething like that, they may
not want other people to knowthat stuff for the integrity of

(50:42):
the company.
So then you're going to have touse some discretion at that
point, of course, and of coursea lot of times those companies
have things on those devicesanyway to see if you're doing
what you're doing.
So I can.
I understand if that's asituation because that is true,
that that happens.
But if it's your personaldevices, your personal, you know

(51:02):
chat rooms, whatever you getinto these days, you know your
social media and all that.
Your spouse should know whatthose passwords are.
That's just part of being openwith each other and not
fostering any of those badthoughts and those.
You know what's going on.
You know, is there somethinghiding?
They're hiding behind my backFor some reason.

(51:22):
I can't have this password.
It just opens up that door andthen problems start happening.
So next one is conflict andprivacy boundaries, and that's
agreeing not to argue orcriticize one another in front
of others, especially children,friends or family, keeping
certain disagreements privateinstead of sharing them with

(51:43):
outsiders, unless you're seekingtrusted counsel or therapy, and
I think you and I have alwaysdone really well with that, even
whenever we were having ourproblems, our kids didn't really
know until you were moving out.
I mean, whether that was rightor wrong, who knows?
But they definitely.
You know we didn't let them seea lot of that stuff that was
going on behind closed doors.
Now you did have friends thatyou spoke to and I did too about

(52:09):
those things that we shouldn'thave.
But as far as just openlycriticizing just to everybody
and that kind of thing, that'sjust not something you should do
.
And then the last one, I sharethat one with us emotional
intimacy boundaries.

Not seeking emotional support or deep
connection from someone outsidethe marriage.
That should be reserved foryour spouse.
Or telling a friend orco-worker I'm not comfortable
talking about that.
Those are things I only sharewith my spouse.
Yeah, I really like thatbecause we both I mean, we've
both been through that, but I dofeel like that it should be

(52:46):
only shared with your spouse.

Yeah, yeah, there's certain things that just
shouldn't be common knowledgeand it's things that need to be
kept between the two of you andwhen you can actually make that
happen, then it sets up thatpoint of trust and it sets up
that safe space where you knowthat the both of you can talk
about things and not get outthere to people that shouldn't

(53:08):
be, you know, talking about itor knowing about it.
So that's the definition ofboundaries and why we want to
talk about boundaries inmarriage, and that's emotional,
physical, spiritual andrelational.
So next week on this podcast,we're going to get back into
this boundary discussion andwe're going to talk about
misconceptions about boundariesand, believe it or not, there's

(53:31):
a lot of things out there thatpeople think about boundaries
that aren't really true.
They have their reasons forthinking why boundaries are put
into place when really that'snot why they're put into place.
So we're going to debunk someof that next week and get a
little bit deeper into thisdiscussion on biblical
boundaries in marriage.
But that's going to be all forthis week and just make sure

(53:51):
that you subscribe so that youdon't miss that episode.
I'm Daniel Moore and my wife,Michelle, has been sitting here,
with you this week.
Thank you, guys, for listening.
This show wouldn't be possiblewithout you.
If you're a fan of the show,please leave a review on Apple
Podcasts, or if you'd like tohelp us with just a few seconds
to give us a five-star click,and please subscribe to your
favorite platform, and the linksfor those are in the show notes

(54:12):
.
Well, that's all for this week,and we pray that your marriage
is stronger and your walk withGod is closer after this episode
.
This is an extension ofConnecting the Gap Ministries,
and we pray you have a blessedweek.

Aria (54:24):
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In this world, there are manydisconnects that cause chaos in
our lives.
This podcast is birthed fromthe desire to share hope and
restoration of the power of thegospel by being transparent and
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Each week, we take a fewmoments as we navigate God's
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(54:45):
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4 Types of Boundaries in Marriage - 234

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