June 19, 2025 • 38 mins
Send Questions or comments here! We'll respond back in future episodes.
Boundaries in marriage often get misunderstood as walls that keep love out, when they're actually doorways to deeper connection. We tackle six common misconceptions that prevent couples from establishing healthy limits in their relationships.
The first myth we debunk is that boundaries create division. Rather than walls keeping your spouse at a distance, healthy boundaries function more like doors with doorknobs on the inside—allowing you to control when and how you connect while still maintaining an open heart. As one spouse shares, "When I shut that gate, God took care of the situation. It wasn't immediate, but it came back around in a healthier way."
Many Christians struggle with the belief that setting boundaries is selfish, yet Jesus himself regularly withdrew from crowds and declined requests. Saying "no" to burnout or disrespect isn't self-centered—it's stewardship of your emotional and spiritual health so you can love better. This becomes especially critical for couples in ministry who risk pouring everything into serving others while neglecting their marriage.
Strong marriages don't lack boundaries—they thrive because of them. Healthy limits demonstrate maturity and mutual respect, preventing resentment and fostering trust. For example, agreeing not to share private arguments with friends isn't about suspicion but protection of your sacred space. While establishing boundaries might create temporary tension, they ultimately lead to deeper intimacy as both partners feel safe enough to be vulnerable.
After nearly losing their marriage, we discovered that communication remains the foundation for effective boundaries. "Being married over 20 years and everything we've walked through—marriage is work. Communication, boundaries, grace—there's so much in a marriage that you have to have." We urge newlyweds not to wait until problems escalate before establishing healthy boundaries, keeping God at the center of these conversations.
Ready to transform your relationship with healthier boundaries? Remember Proverbs 4:23: "Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it." Join us when our next marriage episode is released as we explore setting boundaries in specific areas of marriage including spiritual and sexual dimensions.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Michelle Moore (00:05):
I want to kind of go back to that where we were
talking about saying no todisrespect or burnout is not
self-centered, it's a way ofcaring for your emotional,
physical and spiritual health soyou can love better.
I think a lot of times you know, as husband and wife in
ministry you have to be carefulwith that because you do have to
say no at some point, becauseyou can get to the point where
(00:27):
you're serving or you're doingthis and you're doing that and
you can get burned out.
And I think that you know, justreading that of knowing that
it's not self-centered, I mean,helps me tremendously, you know,
because some people like Dancan say, like he said earlier, I
think on our last episode, somepeople can serve, serve, serve,
serve and then not affect themat all, while others they can
(00:51):
serve but they can over-serveand it's detrimental on the
inside where you don't recognizeit.
But I think sometimes I likethe fact that if your spouse or
something like that you can lovebetter, if you have to say no
and it's not self-centered.
Daniel Moore (01:10):
This week on Marriage Life and More.
We're going to be talking aboutmisconceptions with boundaries
in marriage.
We'll be back to get into thatright after this.
Thank you, welcome to MarriageLife and More.
(01:54):
This is a podcast aboutmarriage, bible and book studies
.
We interview people withinspiring stories.
I'm Daniel Moore, your host, mywife Michelle Moore, over here
hey, hey, beautiful co-host withme this week as we're going to
go through another episode here.
Thank you, guys for joining us.
If you're not familiar with ourshow, you can check out our
website atwwwmarriagelifeandmoorecom.
Our platforms are there YouTubeand Rumble links.
(02:15):
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(02:35):
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grateful to you for doing that.
Well, last week we startedtalking about boundaries in
marriage, and we went through alot of definitions last week of
different types of boundariesthat are usually put into place
in a biblical marriage emotional, physical, spiritual and
relational.
So if you haven't listened tothat episode.
You might want to go back andcheck that out before you start
(02:55):
out this week's episode.
This week we're going tocontinue on deeper into that
conversation on boundaries andthis week we'll be talking about
misconceptions about boundariesin marriage.
So as we get started this weektalking about boundaries, the
(03:18):
first question we want to ask, Iguess, is why do many couples
avoid setting boundaries?
Well, many couples avoid settingboundaries in marriage because
they fear it's going to createconflict, seem unloving or make
them appear selfish.
Some worry that expressingneeds or limits will upset their
spouse or damage theirrelationship, so they stay
(03:39):
silent to keep the peace.
But that peace is oftentemporary and just surface level
.
Others may not even realizeboundaries are healthy.
They confuse boundaries withemotional walls or rejection,
especially if they grew up inhomes where their needs weren't
respected.
In some cases one spouse mayfeel guilty for asserting
themselves, especially if theywere taught that love means
(04:01):
always giving in or sacrificing.
Unfortunately, avoidingboundaries often leads to
resentment, burnout anddisconnection, because unspoken
expectations and repeatedviolations of emotional or
relational space quietly erodestrust and intimacy over time.
So the second question we havethis week as we start can
(04:23):
boundaries exist in a loving,selfless marriage?
Yes, boundaries can andactually they absolutely should
exist in a marriage.
They should exist in a loving,selfless marriage, because they
are not about keeping love out,they are about protecting it.
A truly selfless marriagedoesn't mean ignoring your own
needs or allowing harmfulbehavior.
(04:43):
It means loving your spouse ina way that honors both of you as
whole, respected individuals.
Boundaries help define what ishealthy, respectful and safe
within the relationship, whichcreates space for trust,
vulnerability and deeperconnection to grow.
Far from being barriers to love, boundaries are actually a form
(05:04):
of love.
They say that I care about usenough to be honest about what I
need and to respect what youneed too.
In this way, boundaries support, not hinder, a selfless,
christ-centered marriage.
So I know, as we talk aboutboundaries, a lot of people like
to probably cringe when theyhear that word because they just
(05:24):
don't look at boundaries.
I don't think to probablycringe when they hear that word
because they just don't look atboundaries.
I don't think in a way thatthey probably should.
You know, a lot of people theymisunderstand boundaries.
They assume that they're signsof rejection or selfishness or
even emotional distance.
But in reality, healthyboundaries strengthen a marriage
because they protect intimacy,respect and emotional safety.
(05:44):
So we're going to talk about afew misconceptions here this
week about boundaries inmarriage and the truths that
connect those together.
So the very first misconceptionhere that we're going to talk
about and this is probably oneof the biggest things that
people think about boundarieswhenever they think about
putting a boundary in place,they look at it as a wall, and
(06:05):
so the very first misconceptionhere is that boundaries are
walls that keep my spouse out.
Michelle Moore (06:16):
Why don't you give us the truth on that one?
Boundaries are not walls,they're doors with doorknobs on
the inside.
Healthy boundaries don't shutyour spouse out, they invite in.
Boundaries don't shut yourspouse out, they invite in safe,
respectful connection.
While say stay away forever,boundaries say here's how we can
connect in a way that honorsboth of us.
For example, setting a boundarylike I need 20 minutes to cool
(06:39):
off before we talk isn'tshutting your spouse out.
It's protecting theconversation from becoming
hurtful.
That's so good.
Daniel Moore (06:48):
Have you ever felt like that a boundary was a wall
in our relationship?
Michelle Moore (06:51):
Yeah, I did, and when we first got married, it
definitely was.
And you know, as we weretalking about this, boundaries
didn't even I mean for me, Inever even thought of a boundary
, to be quite honest.
I mean, as we talk aboutboundaries like last week, this
week, we're talking about nextweek just this is just not
(07:14):
something that I really thoughtmuch about until later on in our
marriage, which is a healthything to learn about at the very
beginning, to be actuallyhonest.
Daniel Moore (07:26):
Yeah, well, the biggest thing is when you look
at a boundary like a wall versusjust a boundary.
That's there for a safe reasonis, whenever you actually have a
wall in place, you end up likewe did at one point in our
marriage, because that wall wasput there to completely create a
division between me and you fora reason.
Yeah, you know there werethings that I did not want you
(07:48):
to know about me.
There were things I did notwant to be honest with you about
.
Michelle Moore (07:51):
Same here.
Daniel Moore (07:52):
In communication Same and you had the same issues
on your side of the wall.
And so here, at the verybeginning, you described
boundaries as doors withdoorknobs on the inside.
Describe boundaries as doorswith doorknobs on the inside,
and that's a very significantthing to say, because what that
actually is speaking is I havethis boundary in place because
this is my safety mechanism,right, this is my safe space.
(08:15):
It's not because that I'mlocking you out, right.
But when I'm ready and I'mwanting to go ahead and
communicate through this andfigure this issue out or the
situation, I will open that doorand then we will usher in this
communication back and forth toresolve and come to a resolution
to this issue.
Michelle Moore (08:33):
I was thinking of, you know, when I was reading
this, boundaries are Walls thatKeep my Spouse Out.
It reminds me of a time where Iwas like reading a book where
Havilah Cunnington was talkingabout and I can't remember if it
was a book or if it was just astudy that she did online but
she talked about gates, and thegates was well, actually a gate.
(08:55):
A gate was to her backyard.
She allowed anybody to comethrough that back gate when she
opened the gate.
Otherwise, she didn't letanybody in.
It was her boundary, and Ilearned so much through that
because we were going through asituation with some family
members, our kids, and you know,sometimes you have to set those
(09:17):
boundaries and you have to shutthat gate and it's healthy.
It's healthy for the person thatopens a gate and shuts the gate
, and I think that is the sameas a marriage.
You know you have that boundarythat you have to do, and so
anytime I hear anyone talk aboutboundaries, I automatically go
to my gate like am I allowing mygate to be open to this?
(09:40):
Or if I'm shutting my gate?
Because if I shut my gate, I'mnot going to allow it to affect
me whatsoever and it's not goingto go there, but if'm shutting
my gate, because if I shut mygate I'm not going to allow it
to affect me whatsoever and it'snot going to go there.
But if I open my gate then Ifeel safe, I feel secure with
this being allowed to come intomy backyard.
Daniel Moore (09:55):
And.
Michelle Moore (09:55):
I'm going to allow it to be in my backyard,
but that doesn't mean at somepoint in time that person may
end up back out on my gate.
So it's protecting yourself,and the same thing in marriage
you have to.
You know you do have to protectit, but you have to be.
It's not a wall for you just toblock everything out, Because,
(10:17):
again, that's what you did.
That's what I did and you justcan't do that.
You have to be able to allowsomeone in that space,
especially it's your spouse, butit has to be a safe space.
Daniel Moore (10:30):
Yeah, when you was talking about that situation,
that happened in our family whenthat gate was closed.
Look what happened Over time.
It actually resolved itself.
You know, we we got to a pointwhere we were able to
communicate.
Michelle Moore (10:42):
I mean God was when I shut that gate.
I mean God, god took care of it.
It wasn't like it wasn'timmediately.
Daniel Moore (10:48):
Yeah, it took several months.
Michelle Moore (10:50):
Yes.
Daniel Moore (10:51):
But it still came back around.
Michelle Moore (10:52):
But I knew.
I knew I had to shut that gate.
Daniel Moore (10:56):
Yeah, you know, and so just always keep in your
mind.
You know, whenever situationscome up that triggers you, that
automatically wants you to shutdown and automatically wants you
to quit communicating with thatperson, just make sure that
you're not building a wallsituation and start opening that
(11:25):
door for God to come in andstart doing what he's going to
do in that to help you get readyfor when that time comes, that
you can open that door from theinside with your doorknob and
you can allow that situation tocome back in.
At that point you can discussit, hopefully in a safe manner,
with that person and come to aresolution.
Michelle Moore (11:40):
Well, I like the fact that it said you know
setting the boundary.
Like I need 20 minutes to cooloff one communication and a
boundary lets you know, hey, Ineed some time, let me cool off
that communication.
Communication plays such a bigpart.
Comes back into everything, ohyes, all the way.
Daniel Moore (12:03):
Yeah, can't be married without communication.
Michelle Moore (12:05):
I guess it's just impossible.
Daniel Moore (12:08):
It's very, and even if it is possible, it's
very difficult, yeah, if it'snot there.
So that's the firstmisconception that we just want
to blow out of the water here isthat boundaries, they're not a
wall.
They shouldn't be a wall.
You might be making it a wall,but you should not be doing that
.
That is correct and make surethat you keep that as as
Michelle described it.
I like how that analogy was,you know, as a gate and where
(12:31):
it's just as a door.
However you want to look atthat, make sure you keep it that
way so that way, when the timecomes, you can resolve that
conflict and that issue and takecare of that.
So the second misconceptionhere about boundaries is that
(12:55):
they're selfish Boundaries.
In truth, they are actuallystewardship.
They're not really selfishness.
Saying no to disrespect orburnout is not self-centered.
It's a way of caring for youremotional, physical and
spiritual health so that you canlove better.
Jesus set boundaries regularly.
He withdrew from crowds, hesaid no to demands and didn't
(13:17):
let others define his mission.
Boundaries are actually aChrist-like act of love and
clarity.
They are not selfishness.
Michelle Moore (13:29):
And what's funny is Havla, and I think that's
the reason why the gate thinghas always stuck with me is
because exactly how Jesus setboundaries, you know, and that's
biblical.
Daniel Moore (13:36):
Yeah, it is very biblical.
But you know, when you startsetting up a boundary to a
situation where another personis involved, you know, more
often than not that person onthe other side of that door does
probably look at it like you'rebeing selfish because you just
don't, you don't want to enterinto this conflict right now.
It's all about you, it's allbeing centered around you.
(13:59):
But in all reality, justremember, as spouses, if you
guys have a disagreement or youhave a situation that comes up
that might cause some conflict,where one of the spouses has to
step back for a moment and putup that barrier temporarily at
the very upset and everything,you still need to understand
each other enough to make surethat you give that space and,
(14:29):
honestly, both of you at thatpoint really need to be setting
up a boundary.
At that point it shouldn't justbe one spouse setting the
boundary, because both sides ofthat need to have a boundary
there to make sure that youdon't overstep each other's
space.
And you know, even in marriageministry this is something that
with our marriage ministry thatwe're involved in there's a
(14:56):
model that's used in that andbasically it's kind of sort of
the way that you're talkingabout the gate in your backyard,
but each spouse has their ownyard and then you also have your
own safe space and you don'tcross into the shared yard until
each of you are ready andavailable to do that in a safe
manner.
Then you cross over into theshared spaces.
Michelle Moore (15:15):
And one can't pull the other one into it.
Daniel Moore (15:17):
Right.
It has to be a mutual agreementbetween both parties, and
that's how you have a safemarriage, that where you can
cohabit and love each otherunconditionally, like you should
, and resolve conflicts.
Michelle Moore (15:29):
And not only in that.
When they're in their yardsthey are focusing and working.
I wouldn't say focusing, butthey are working on themselves
with the relationship withChrist, because Christ is at the
top.
So when you're completelyworked in with God, then you
come down into that yard and youare both filled with love with
Christ.
That the fact that you can workthrough those and see the other
(15:52):
person's point whether you guysagree or not, you can work
through those issues.
Daniel Moore (15:57):
Yeah, and if you see that model, I'm glad you
brought that up because thatmodel is represented by circles.
So the husband has a circle,the spouse has a circle, the
yard in the middle is a piece ofeach circle circle and then a
space in between where you bothwould cross into when you come
into it equally, and God'scircle is in all of those
(16:18):
circles.
His crosses over into everyaspect of that relationship.
Michelle Moore (16:23):
It's a great model.
Daniel Moore (16:24):
Really neat when you see that it gives you a
whole different outlook andaspect on marriage and how
boundaries should work.
Yeah, and how they should workin a consistent way.
So when your spouse is settingup a boundary, don't
automatically fly off on the.
You're just being selfishtangent, because that's not
really.
It might be a case in somesituations if it's an ungodly
(16:46):
type of marriage where God's notin the middle of it, but if you
guys are allowing God in there,there shouldn't be any
selfishness involved with that.
Michelle Moore (16:54):
I want to kind of go back to that where we were
talking about saying no todisrespect or burnout is not
self-centered, it's a way ofcaring for your emotional,
physical and spiritual health soyou can love better.
I think a lot of times you know,as husband and wife in ministry
you have to be careful withthat because you do have to say
(17:14):
no at some point, because youcan get to the point where
you're serving or you're doingthis and you're doing that and
you can get burned out.
And I think that you know, justreading that of knowing that
it's not self-centered, I mean,helps me tremendously, you know,
because some people like Dancan say, like he said earlier I
think on our last episode, somepeople can serve, serve, serve,
(17:36):
serve and then not affect themat all.
Why others they can serve butthey can over serve and you know
it's detrimental on the insidewhere you know you don't
recognize it.
But I think sometimes I likethe fact that if your spouse or
something like that, you canlove better, if you have to say
no and it's not self-centered.
Daniel Moore (17:58):
Yeah.
I really really like that.
When you're consumed witheverything else around you, you
don't leave that space to loveeach other.
Michelle Moore (18:04):
Yeah.
Daniel Moore (18:05):
If you can keep all of that stuff from consuming
you, that leaves room for thatlove to operate.
Michelle Moore (18:09):
Yeah, sorry people, I had to do that.
Dan and I are having a daytrying to record.
This has just been so funny.
We had our dog spark earlier,but that's probably going to be
cut out, but we just, you knowwe'll leave the motorcycle in
(18:29):
there you're gonna hear me saythat, but I just like the fact
of that because I thinksometimes you know you have to
go back to the yard, you have towork on yourself.
Daniel Moore (18:39):
Yeah.
Michelle Moore (18:41):
And if you're over serving and you're not
taking care of yourself and yourinternal relationship with
Christ, you know it's going toreflect in your marriage as well
.
You know you may be short withsomeone or you're short with
your husband or something.
You need to pay attention tothat and I think sometimes we
love God and we want to be doingthings for God, that you have
(19:03):
to be careful with that andsometimes, setting that boundary
, you have to remember you'renot being selfish and you're not
going to let that person downthat you're serving for or
anything like that or whatyou're doing, because you have
to take care of your internalself.
Daniel Moore (19:20):
Yeah, yeah.
And there's a lot of marriage.
There's marriages out therethat have fell apart, even with
pastors, because they pouredeverything into their church and
their congregation andneglected their marriage.
Yeah, and you would think, ifsomebody's serving God in that
way, how could they ever havethat happen?
But it happens.
Michelle Moore (19:37):
It does happen.
Daniel Moore (19:38):
It does.
You have to be careful withthat.
The third misconception if Ilove someone, I shouldn't need
boundaries.
So tell us about that one.
Michelle Moore (19:49):
The truth is, love without boundaries becomes
enabling, codependent or evenharmful.
True love includes truth andgrace.
Setting boundaries like pleasedon't yell at me when we argue
is not unloving.
It's inviting healthiercommunication.
Without boundaries, one spousecan begin to dominate or
(20:13):
disrespect the other withoutrealizing it and damaging the
relationship.
Boy, I go back to the earlieryears of our marriage.
Yeah, and this really explainsit.
Like you know, we are.
We yelled at each other attimes and um it.
It isn't when it says pleasedon't yell at me when we argue
(20:35):
is not unloving yeah we weren'tin a healthy boundary marriage
at all.
So yelling at you was me likethis is what I have to say.
You're gonna.
You're gonna take what I haveto say and this is gonna be my
way, or the highway yeah so Ireally like the fact it's
inviting healthier communication, which we don't do now.
(20:56):
But yeah.
I can't remember the last timewe've yelled at each other.
Daniel Moore (21:00):
It's been a long time, thank goodness.
I don't want you punching me.
Michelle Moore (21:05):
Hey, I didn't say that.
Listen to him.
I had to get you on that one.
Oh, you did.
Daniel Moore (21:12):
That was a good one.
That was a good one.
Yeah, we have to remember thateven because we have a deep love
for each other does not meanthat we're never going to have
an argument.
Michelle Moore (21:19):
That's right.
Daniel Moore (21:19):
I mean it is very possible for some day for
something to happen.
Yeah, and with the pressures oflife, the pressures of family,
work, whatever it may be,everybody deals with that, and
we do disagree.
Yeah, and we have disagreements,and sometimes disagreements can
get elevated, yes, and you canraise your voices.
You can say some snippy thingsthat you regret later.
(21:40):
So just because you are fullymadly in love with somebody,
don't take that as a as to saythat, oh, because of that, I
don't have to set a boundarywith you, because we're still
human.
It doesn't matter how much welove each other, we still have
those human instincts and thosehuman attributes, and there are
days that we're going to wake upon the wrong side of the bed
(22:01):
and something's going to flipthat trigger and it's going to
be a bad day.
And so you have to always makesure that you conscientiously
keep those boundaries in placeso that when that does happen,
then you have a process of howto process all of that through
and then get together with thecommunication once you're both
ready, and fix that problem andnot let it go on all day long.
Aria (22:21):
Right.
Daniel Moore (22:21):
And so you know, love does it be in truth and
grace.
That's so true with love,because if we truly love someone
, then we're going to betruthful and upfront and honest
with that person, yes, and thenwe're also going to give them
the most grace, because that'sthe person that we love the most
in our life, you know, besidesGod, and so we should have the
(22:42):
most abundance of grace for ourspouse over anyone, to make sure
that that relationship stayswhere it should be.
So if you're one of thesecouples that's just so madly in
love and you drool over eachother all the time, and you know
you've probably just beenmarried a year and you haven't
figured it all out yet, becauseStill need those boundaries yeah
you still need those boundariesin place and just make sure
(23:03):
that they're good, healthy ones.
biblically, the fourthmisconception if we need
boundaries, our marriage must beweak, and I can see people
thinking that, but the truth ofit is all.
(23:25):
Healthy marriages requireboundaries, even the strong ones
, and especially the strong ones.
Boundaries are sign of maturity, not weakness.
They show that both partnersare willing to communicate
honestly, take responsibilityfor their actions and respect
each other's needs.
The absence of boundaries oftenleads to confusion, resentment
or burnout, while the presenceof boundaries fosters truth and
(23:48):
peace.
And this one here, I think, isso good especially from a guy's
side of things.
You know, when we look at love,we look at marriage and that
kind of thing, a lot of guys aremore on the manly side of
things.
They're like I don't need noboundaries, we've done, we're
going to be a man, we'll figurethis stuff out, you know.
And we want to come in like abullet Like not reading
directions.
(24:08):
Exactly so this would be.
You know something that we asmen even have to remember that
just because we love our spousesand give into the womanly thing
sometimes, or whatever you wantto describe that doesn't mean
we're weak.
We give up our man card, andthat means nothing like that at
all.
In all reality, michelle isthankful that I have my
(24:31):
boundaries in place, just as Iam she has hers in place,
because it does.
It shows that we're bothwilling to work on our marriages
, regardless of what may come up.
We have those things in placeto make sure that if issues
happen, we can work throughthose.
Even just from the aspect oflooking at it from the outside,
that I'm glad that you have aboundary in place that's not
(24:53):
going to allow something to comein and wreck our marriage
because of something I say or do, and I think you look at it the
same way from the other side.
So it shows that we are beingintentional in our marriage.
We are intentionally trying tomake sure that those things are
in place so that we don't resenteach other in the long run.
Michelle Moore (25:13):
Yeah.
Daniel Moore (25:14):
Or we don't have confusion in what we both think,
or whatever.
We're on the same page witheverything that's going on
within our relationship, ourfamily and our home and we're
not getting burned out on eachother.
Yeah, because in a marriage,that's the last thing you want
to happen, is that burnout.
Michelle Moore (25:28):
Yeah.
Daniel Moore (25:28):
You're living together the rest of your life,
so you have to make sure youunderstand how to keep this
together, and so I think thatwhenever we have these
boundaries in place, then youknow that does.
It creates that space of trustwhere I can trust you, you can
trust me that we're going tohandle things the way we should,
and then that keeps the peacein our home.
Michelle Moore (25:48):
So, good.
Daniel Moore (25:49):
So the number five misconception boundaries mean I
don't trust my spouse.
What's the truth on that one?
Michelle Moore (25:57):
Boundaries help build trust, not destroy it.
Healthy boundaries clarifyexpectations, reduce
miscommunication and preventunnecessary hurt.
Hurt, for example, saying let'sagree not to share private
arguments with friends is aboundary that protects trust,
(26:17):
not suspicion, and it's so good.
That is very good.
Daniel Moore (26:29):
Yeah.
Michelle Moore (26:30):
And I think you know, just like how that example
of you know, you might notthink that's a boundary and just
say, hey, let's just not dothat.
But in all reality, when youare setting those, those are
boundaries.
Daniel Moore (26:42):
Yep, those are things that you don't want to
cross over.
Yeah, because the moment thatyou do, if you tell me that, if
you say let's not share theseprivate arguments, and then I go
do it, what's that going tomake you think about me?
You're going to lose my trustin me, and so then what's going
(27:03):
to happen after that?
You're going to question, youknow, second guess in the future
, if I tell Daniel this boundary, is he going to keep it or not?
Can I even trust him to?
You know, do what I request,and it would be the same way
with me.
You know, something happened onthe opposite side of that.
Michelle Moore (27:16):
Now, I do think that nobody's perfect.
Daniel Moore (27:19):
Right.
Michelle Moore (27:21):
And boundaries are set, but once in a great
while, there, you know it'sgoing to happen, you know, and
that's where the grace comes in.
Yeah, you know, you know, andthat's where the grace comes in.
Yeah, you know.
Daniel Moore (27:30):
And I think, as spouses, I know for myself and I
think you feel the same way.
If you know each other wellenough, as a spouse, we know
when we're truly repentant.
Aria (27:41):
Yeah.
Daniel Moore (27:46):
So I think there comes a point in your
relationship and your marriagewhere if I say, hey, I'm really
sorry about this, I shouldn'thave done that, I'm not going to
do it again, then you're goingto know if I'm being legit with
that or not, and so that's goingto build that trust back.
And then, of course, as you setanother boundary in the future
and I keep that boundary- that'sgoing to start building that
(28:06):
trust back stronger again.
And so just because you put aboundary there does not mean
that you don't trust each other.
It just means again that you'retrying to protect your marriage
, you're trying to protect yourrelationship, and that does
build trust because it's anhonesty.
It's really an honesty thingfor the most part, because if
(28:29):
and if you tell me to dosomething and I say I'm going to
do it, and then I followthrough, that's what builds
trust.
And so the more often thathappens then your trust becomes
stronger and stronger in thatperson.
And so that's what theseboundaries do.
You set them in place toprotect your personal
relationship between you andyour, your spouse, and in the
outside world.
And then when you guys keepthose boundaries you keep, you
(28:53):
know, going through those andnot breaking that trust then
that builds that trust betweeneach other and it just helps
that marriage to flourish.
And so it's definitely, ifyou've got that mindset that if
I set this boundary, my spouseis going to think I don't trust
them.
Michelle Moore (29:08):
And your boundaries can be anything Like
it can be hey, we're going toset a boundary, we're not going
to spend this much money, we'regoing to set this much aside,
you know, or hey, you're notgoing to go do this without me,
or you know, it could beanything.
But once you set those, makesure that you both are on you
know, on the same page, andeverything, because, as you can,
(29:29):
it's the trust and honesty.
Daniel Moore (29:37):
Yep.
And the final misconception towrap up the episode for this
week on boundaries is boundariesalways lead to conflict or
distance.
Give us the truth on that one.
Michelle Moore (29:44):
Boundaries may create temporary tension, but
they lead to deeper connection.
At first, setting a boundarycan feel uncomfortable,
especially if one spouse is usedto always pleasing or avoiding
conflict, but over time theyfoster mutual respect, healthier
communication there's that wordagain and lasting emotional
(30:06):
safety which actuallystrengthens closeness.
I really like that.
That's a good one.
Daniel Moore (30:11):
Yeah, you know, when you have a boundary set
there, we know that sometimesthose boundaries don't come with
icing on them Right.
Sometimes we put thoseboundaries in place that it
might upset the other spouse fora temporary span of time
because it may trigger that well, you don't trust me in their
(30:34):
mind, depending on what thesituation may be.
But as time goes along we knowthat healthy boundaries they do
draw you closer.
And that connection because,like we were just talking in the
last one part of building thattrust to the most trustfulness
that we can have between eachother, that does make our
(30:58):
connection deeper.
Yeah, because the more I trustyou, the more I love you.
Aria (31:02):
Yeah.
Daniel Moore (31:02):
You know, the more that I feel like I can talk to
you about things, the more Ifeel like I can share stuff with
you that I don't share withanybody else, the more I feel
like I can share stuff with youthat I don't share with anybody
else.
You know, it gets to thatintimate side of things where
there's stuff that I will nottell anybody.
But yet I have a deep enoughconnection with you because I
(31:22):
trust you, because of theseboundaries to put in place and
we've kept those, thoseboundaries between us to be
healthy and in a biblical way Iget to a point where I know that
I can share anything with youand you're going to understand
or help me walk through or talkme through things, and I want to
be that person for you.
And so I know that it's easy towant to avoid conflict,
especially if you have apersonality like I've had in the
(31:45):
past.
I still don't really likeconflict a whole lot, to be
honest, but the way that Ihandle the marriage now with you
, I don't have hardly anytrouble with that anymore
because me and you do such agood job of talking things out.
Michelle Moore (32:00):
Well, I think that's the communication thing
it is.
I mean honestly, we trust eachother so much that we're open
and honest about everything.
I mean, I say things and I lookat you sometimes and I'm like I
know what he's thinking andthen he'll say it, but it's like
we've worked hard.
I mean, you know, being marriedover 20 years and everything
(32:20):
we've walked through it,marriage is work.
I don't I mean, it's just work,you know, and it's not like you
go to your job every day, youknow to.
It's like a relationship withChrist.
It's work.
It's not just handed to you andbe like, oh okay, here you go.
It's work and communication,boundaries, grace.
(32:43):
There's so much in a marriagethat you have to have.
And you know, and I'm sothankful, though, that we've
walked where we've walked tohelp us to be where we're at
today, though.
Yeah, and you know, and I'm sothankful, though, that we've
walked where we've walked tohelp us to be where we're at
today, though.
Daniel Moore (32:54):
Yeah.
Michelle Moore (32:54):
I mean, if you can do that from the very
beginning and not have to walkwhat we did that's awesome, and
that's our prayer for everybody.
Yeah.
Daniel Moore (33:03):
Well, there's that saying that you don't know what
you've got till it's gone.
And, unfortunately, in oursituation, I feel like that's
the mantra that we live by forso long, because the turnaround
in our marriage was when wealmost got divorced.
I mean, it took that to help usto understand how important
this relationship really is, howmuch we really do need to
(33:24):
communicate, how much we do needto rely on each other and trust
each other, and it just changedthe whole aspect of the whole
thing at that point, because wealmost lost it and we truly
loved each other.
And it just changed the wholeaspect of the whole thing at
that point because we almostlost it and we truly loved each
other.
You know, it was by stupiditythat we ended up where we were
and selfishness and a lot of theother things that goes into all
of that and it shouldn't havetaken that to make us turn
(33:47):
around and to realize that.
And that's one reason we sharewhat we do on our podcast
because, especially newlywedspeople that's been married five,
10 years, whatever you're stillkind of the first parts of your
marriage it's so important thatyou start working on this stuff
from day one.
Michelle Moore (34:02):
Yeah, you know, don't wait.
Keep God at the center, exactly.
Daniel Moore (34:06):
Yeah, you don't wait until it's too late, and
you know a lot of people.
If you go into churches andtalk to Christians or whatever,
the first thing they'll say iswell, you know, you just need to
pray about it, because prayerchanges things, you know.
Michelle Moore (34:19):
And it does.
Daniel Moore (34:20):
It does to an extent, but in all reality, it's
not things that prayer changes.
Prayer changes people.
People changes things, and wealways have to keep that in mind
, because everything thathappens in your life is usually
instigated by a person, and soif that person does not change,
then those things aren'tnecessarily going to change,
(34:41):
because you're still dealingwith a person in the middle.
And so when you start prayingabout these things that are
going on in your marriages andthese bad things that are
happening and all that kind ofthing, make sure that you not
only just pray for yourself,because you should always, you
know, pray for yourself first.
God, if there's anything in me,forgive me for this.
You know, take care of home basefirst, but then pray for those
(35:03):
other people that are involvedthat God would change their
hearts and the process of all ofthat.
The whole scenario changes atthat point, and so that's where
these boundaries come into play.
Um, you know, and there's a lotof good uh myths that were
busted here today on theseboundaries, and hopefully, um,
one of them resonated withsomeone out there that's
(35:23):
listening If you're having someissues with with boundaries.
Um, so we're going to go aheadand close up this week's episode
with that.
Next week's episode.
We'll come back and we're goingto start going through
different areas of boundariessexually and spiritually, just
different places in our lifewhere we set boundaries and why
(35:43):
we do that and how we do that.
So we'll talk about that on thenext episode that we come back
with our marriage episodes here.
So in the meantime, though,don't forget that boundaries in
marriage, they're not aboutcontrol, avoidance or isolation.
They're about creating arelationship where both people
are free to love, respect andgrow together without fear,
(36:05):
confusion or resentment.
Boundaries are not a sign ofdivision.
They're a pathway to deeperunity.
In Proverbs, chapter four, verse23,.
It sums it all up.
It says above all else, guardyour heart, for everything you
do flows from it.
How do you guard your heart?
You set up boundaries.
It's all biblical in how all ofthis works.
(36:27):
Well, is that all you have forthis week to add to this?
Okay?
Well, we're going to go aheadthen and call this one good.
Please subscribe to be surethat you don't miss the next
episode that comes along.
I'm Daniel Moore, and my wife,michelle, has been sitting over
here with me this week.
Michelle Moore (36:42):
Bye guys.
Daniel Moore (36:43):
And we're going to be back again later on.
Thank you for listening.
The show really be possiblewithout you.
If you're a fan of the show,leave a review.
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Or if you'd like to help us out, just take a few seconds to
give us a five-star click andplease subscribe to us on your
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The links are in the show notes.
Well, that's all for this week.
(37:04):
We pray that your marriage isstronger and your walk with God
is closer after this episode.
This is an extension ofConnecting the Gap Ministries
and we pray that you have ablessed week.
Aria (37:11):
You've been listening to Connecting the Gap Podcast.
In this world, there are manydisconnects that cause chaos in
our lives.
This podcast is birthed fromthe desire to share hope and
restoration of the power of thegospel by being transparent and
open in our biblical walk withGod.
Each week, we take a fewmoments as we navigate God's
Word and peer into otherpeople's testimonies and
encourage each other to connectthe gap.
(37:31):
We upload a new audio podcastevery Thursday and a video
version of it on YouTube andRumble.
We are also on the Christianpodcasting app, edify.
You can subscribe to ourpodcast on many of the available
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We are also available on yourAlexa-enabled devices.
(37:52):
If you would like to contactour ministry for any reason,
visit our contact page and sendus a message.
We hope you are blessed by thisministry.
This is a production ofConnecting the Gap Ministries.
I want to kind of go back to that where we were
talking about saying no todisrespect or burnout is not
self-centered, it's a way ofcaring for your emotional,
physical and spiritual health soyou can love better.
I think a lot of times you know, as husband and wife in
ministry you have to be carefulwith that because you do have to
say no at some point, becauseyou can get to the point where
(00:27):
you're serving or you're doingthis and you're doing that and
you can get burned out.
And I think that you know, justreading that of knowing that
it's not self-centered, I mean,helps me tremendously, you know,
because some people like Dancan say, like he said earlier, I
think on our last episode, somepeople can serve, serve, serve,
serve and then not affect themat all, while others they can
(00:51):
serve but they can over-serveand it's detrimental on the
inside where you don't recognizeit.
But I think sometimes I likethe fact that if your spouse or
something like that you can lovebetter, if you have to say no
and it's not self-centered.
Daniel Moore (01:10):
This week on Marriage Life and More.
We're going to be talking aboutmisconceptions with boundaries
in marriage.
We'll be back to get into thatright after this.
Thank you, welcome to MarriageLife and More.
(01:54):
This is a podcast aboutmarriage, bible and book studies
.
We interview people withinspiring stories.
I'm Daniel Moore, your host, mywife Michelle Moore, over here
hey, hey, beautiful co-host withme this week as we're going to
go through another episode here.
Thank you, guys for joining us.
If you're not familiar with ourshow, you can check out our
website atwwwmarriagelifeandmoorecom.
Our platforms are there YouTubeand Rumble links.
(02:15):
We're also on the Christianpodcasting app, edify, and on
your Alexa and Google smartdevices.
You can also visit us on social, on Facebook X and Instagram,
at ctgaponline.
If you're a fan of our show,please subscribe.
Feel free to leave a comment onour platforms, give us a thumbs
(02:35):
up or a five-star review onApple Podcasts, and we'd be
grateful to you for doing that.
Well, last week we startedtalking about boundaries in
marriage, and we went through alot of definitions last week of
different types of boundariesthat are usually put into place
in a biblical marriage emotional, physical, spiritual and
relational.
So if you haven't listened tothat episode.
You might want to go back andcheck that out before you start
(02:55):
out this week's episode.
This week we're going tocontinue on deeper into that
conversation on boundaries andthis week we'll be talking about
misconceptions about boundariesin marriage.
So as we get started this weektalking about boundaries, the
(03:18):
first question we want to ask, Iguess, is why do many couples
avoid setting boundaries?
Well, many couples avoid settingboundaries in marriage because
they fear it's going to createconflict, seem unloving or make
them appear selfish.
Some worry that expressingneeds or limits will upset their
spouse or damage theirrelationship, so they stay
(03:39):
silent to keep the peace.
But that peace is oftentemporary and just surface level
.
Others may not even realizeboundaries are healthy.
They confuse boundaries withemotional walls or rejection,
especially if they grew up inhomes where their needs weren't
respected.
In some cases one spouse mayfeel guilty for asserting
themselves, especially if theywere taught that love means
(04:01):
always giving in or sacrificing.
Unfortunately, avoidingboundaries often leads to
resentment, burnout anddisconnection, because unspoken
expectations and repeatedviolations of emotional or
relational space quietly erodestrust and intimacy over time.
So the second question we havethis week as we start can
(04:23):
boundaries exist in a loving,selfless marriage?
Yes, boundaries can andactually they absolutely should
exist in a marriage.
They should exist in a loving,selfless marriage, because they
are not about keeping love out,they are about protecting it.
A truly selfless marriagedoesn't mean ignoring your own
needs or allowing harmfulbehavior.
(04:43):
It means loving your spouse ina way that honors both of you as
whole, respected individuals.
Boundaries help define what ishealthy, respectful and safe
within the relationship, whichcreates space for trust,
vulnerability and deeperconnection to grow.
Far from being barriers to love, boundaries are actually a form
(05:04):
of love.
They say that I care about usenough to be honest about what I
need and to respect what youneed too.
In this way, boundaries support, not hinder, a selfless,
christ-centered marriage.
So I know, as we talk aboutboundaries, a lot of people like
to probably cringe when theyhear that word because they just
(05:24):
don't look at boundaries.
I don't think to probablycringe when they hear that word
because they just don't look atboundaries.
I don't think in a way thatthey probably should.
You know, a lot of people theymisunderstand boundaries.
They assume that they're signsof rejection or selfishness or
even emotional distance.
But in reality, healthyboundaries strengthen a marriage
because they protect intimacy,respect and emotional safety.
(05:44):
So we're going to talk about afew misconceptions here this
week about boundaries inmarriage and the truths that
connect those together.
So the very first misconceptionhere that we're going to talk
about and this is probably oneof the biggest things that
people think about boundarieswhenever they think about
putting a boundary in place,they look at it as a wall, and
(06:05):
so the very first misconceptionhere is that boundaries are
walls that keep my spouse out.
Michelle Moore (06:16):
Why don't you give us the truth on that one?
Boundaries are not walls,they're doors with doorknobs on
the inside.
Healthy boundaries don't shutyour spouse out, they invite in.
Boundaries don't shut yourspouse out, they invite in safe,
respectful connection.
While say stay away forever,boundaries say here's how we can
connect in a way that honorsboth of us.
For example, setting a boundarylike I need 20 minutes to cool
(06:39):
off before we talk isn'tshutting your spouse out.
It's protecting theconversation from becoming
hurtful.
That's so good.
Daniel Moore (06:48):
Have you ever felt like that a boundary was a wall
in our relationship?
Michelle Moore (06:51):
Yeah, I did, and when we first got married, it
definitely was.
And you know, as we weretalking about this, boundaries
didn't even I mean for me, Inever even thought of a boundary
, to be quite honest.
I mean, as we talk aboutboundaries like last week, this
week, we're talking about nextweek just this is just not
(07:14):
something that I really thoughtmuch about until later on in our
marriage, which is a healthything to learn about at the very
beginning, to be actuallyhonest.
Daniel Moore (07:26):
Yeah, well, the biggest thing is when you look
at a boundary like a wall versusjust a boundary.
That's there for a safe reasonis, whenever you actually have a
wall in place, you end up likewe did at one point in our
marriage, because that wall wasput there to completely create a
division between me and you fora reason.
Yeah, you know there werethings that I did not want you
(07:48):
to know about me.
There were things I did notwant to be honest with you about
.
Michelle Moore (07:51):
Same here.
Daniel Moore (07:52):
In communication Same and you had the same issues
on your side of the wall.
And so here, at the verybeginning, you described
boundaries as doors withdoorknobs on the inside.
Describe boundaries as doorswith doorknobs on the inside,
and that's a very significantthing to say, because what that
actually is speaking is I havethis boundary in place because
this is my safety mechanism,right, this is my safe space.
(08:15):
It's not because that I'mlocking you out, right.
But when I'm ready and I'mwanting to go ahead and
communicate through this andfigure this issue out or the
situation, I will open that doorand then we will usher in this
communication back and forth toresolve and come to a resolution
to this issue.
Michelle Moore (08:33):
I was thinking of, you know, when I was reading
this, boundaries are Walls thatKeep my Spouse Out.
It reminds me of a time where Iwas like reading a book where
Havilah Cunnington was talkingabout and I can't remember if it
was a book or if it was just astudy that she did online but
she talked about gates, and thegates was well, actually a gate.
(08:55):
A gate was to her backyard.
She allowed anybody to comethrough that back gate when she
opened the gate.
Otherwise, she didn't letanybody in.
It was her boundary, and Ilearned so much through that
because we were going through asituation with some family
members, our kids, and you know,sometimes you have to set those
(09:17):
boundaries and you have to shutthat gate and it's healthy.
It's healthy for the person thatopens a gate and shuts the gate
, and I think that is the sameas a marriage.
You know you have that boundarythat you have to do, and so
anytime I hear anyone talk aboutboundaries, I automatically go
to my gate like am I allowing mygate to be open to this?
(09:40):
Or if I'm shutting my gate?
Because if I shut my gate, I'mnot going to allow it to affect
me whatsoever and it's not goingto go there, but if'm shutting
my gate, because if I shut mygate I'm not going to allow it
to affect me whatsoever and it'snot going to go there.
But if I open my gate then Ifeel safe, I feel secure with
this being allowed to come intomy backyard.
Daniel Moore (09:55):
And.
Michelle Moore (09:55):
I'm going to allow it to be in my backyard,
but that doesn't mean at somepoint in time that person may
end up back out on my gate.
So it's protecting yourself,and the same thing in marriage
you have to.
You know you do have to protectit, but you have to be.
It's not a wall for you just toblock everything out, Because,
(10:17):
again, that's what you did.
That's what I did and you justcan't do that.
You have to be able to allowsomeone in that space,
especially it's your spouse, butit has to be a safe space.
Daniel Moore (10:30):
Yeah, when you was talking about that situation,
that happened in our family whenthat gate was closed.
Look what happened Over time.
It actually resolved itself.
You know, we we got to a pointwhere we were able to
communicate.
Michelle Moore (10:42):
I mean God was when I shut that gate.
I mean God, god took care of it.
It wasn't like it wasn'timmediately.
Daniel Moore (10:48):
Yeah, it took several months.
Michelle Moore (10:50):
Yes.
Daniel Moore (10:51):
But it still came back around.
Michelle Moore (10:52):
But I knew.
I knew I had to shut that gate.
Daniel Moore (10:56):
Yeah, you know, and so just always keep in your
mind.
You know, whenever situationscome up that triggers you, that
automatically wants you to shutdown and automatically wants you
to quit communicating with thatperson, just make sure that
you're not building a wallsituation and start opening that
(11:25):
door for God to come in andstart doing what he's going to
do in that to help you get readyfor when that time comes, that
you can open that door from theinside with your doorknob and
you can allow that situation tocome back in.
At that point you can discussit, hopefully in a safe manner,
with that person and come to aresolution.
Michelle Moore (11:40):
Well, I like the fact that it said you know
setting the boundary.
Like I need 20 minutes to cooloff one communication and a
boundary lets you know, hey, Ineed some time, let me cool off
that communication.
Communication plays such a bigpart.
Comes back into everything, ohyes, all the way.
Daniel Moore (12:03):
Yeah, can't be married without communication.
Michelle Moore (12:05):
I guess it's just impossible.
Daniel Moore (12:08):
It's very, and even if it is possible, it's
very difficult, yeah, if it'snot there.
So that's the firstmisconception that we just want
to blow out of the water here isthat boundaries, they're not a
wall.
They shouldn't be a wall.
You might be making it a wall,but you should not be doing that
.
That is correct and make surethat you keep that as as
Michelle described it.
I like how that analogy was,you know, as a gate and where
(12:31):
it's just as a door.
However you want to look atthat, make sure you keep it that
way so that way, when the timecomes, you can resolve that
conflict and that issue and takecare of that.
So the second misconceptionhere about boundaries is that
(12:55):
they're selfish Boundaries.
In truth, they are actuallystewardship.
They're not really selfishness.
Saying no to disrespect orburnout is not self-centered.
It's a way of caring for youremotional, physical and
spiritual health so that you canlove better.
Jesus set boundaries regularly.
He withdrew from crowds, hesaid no to demands and didn't
(13:17):
let others define his mission.
Boundaries are actually aChrist-like act of love and
clarity.
They are not selfishness.
Michelle Moore (13:29):
And what's funny is Havla, and I think that's
the reason why the gate thinghas always stuck with me is
because exactly how Jesus setboundaries, you know, and that's
biblical.
Daniel Moore (13:36):
Yeah, it is very biblical.
But you know, when you startsetting up a boundary to a
situation where another personis involved, you know, more
often than not that person onthe other side of that door does
probably look at it like you'rebeing selfish because you just
don't, you don't want to enterinto this conflict right now.
It's all about you, it's allbeing centered around you.
(13:59):
But in all reality, justremember, as spouses, if you
guys have a disagreement or youhave a situation that comes up
that might cause some conflict,where one of the spouses has to
step back for a moment and putup that barrier temporarily at
the very upset and everything,you still need to understand
each other enough to make surethat you give that space and,
(14:29):
honestly, both of you at thatpoint really need to be setting
up a boundary.
At that point it shouldn't justbe one spouse setting the
boundary, because both sides ofthat need to have a boundary
there to make sure that youdon't overstep each other's
space.
And you know, even in marriageministry this is something that
with our marriage ministry thatwe're involved in there's a
(14:56):
model that's used in that andbasically it's kind of sort of
the way that you're talkingabout the gate in your backyard,
but each spouse has their ownyard and then you also have your
own safe space and you don'tcross into the shared yard until
each of you are ready andavailable to do that in a safe
manner.
Then you cross over into theshared spaces.
Michelle Moore (15:15):
And one can't pull the other one into it.
Daniel Moore (15:17):
Right.
It has to be a mutual agreementbetween both parties, and
that's how you have a safemarriage, that where you can
cohabit and love each otherunconditionally, like you should
, and resolve conflicts.
Michelle Moore (15:29):
And not only in that.
When they're in their yardsthey are focusing and working.
I wouldn't say focusing, butthey are working on themselves
with the relationship withChrist, because Christ is at the
top.
So when you're completelyworked in with God, then you
come down into that yard and youare both filled with love with
Christ.
That the fact that you can workthrough those and see the other
(15:52):
person's point whether you guysagree or not, you can work
through those issues.
Daniel Moore (15:57):
Yeah, and if you see that model, I'm glad you
brought that up because thatmodel is represented by circles.
So the husband has a circle,the spouse has a circle, the
yard in the middle is a piece ofeach circle circle and then a
space in between where you bothwould cross into when you come
into it equally, and God'scircle is in all of those
(16:18):
circles.
His crosses over into everyaspect of that relationship.
Michelle Moore (16:23):
It's a great model.
Daniel Moore (16:24):
Really neat when you see that it gives you a
whole different outlook andaspect on marriage and how
boundaries should work.
Yeah, and how they should workin a consistent way.
So when your spouse is settingup a boundary, don't
automatically fly off on the.
You're just being selfishtangent, because that's not
really.
It might be a case in somesituations if it's an ungodly
(16:46):
type of marriage where God's notin the middle of it, but if you
guys are allowing God in there,there shouldn't be any
selfishness involved with that.
Michelle Moore (16:54):
I want to kind of go back to that where we were
talking about saying no todisrespect or burnout is not
self-centered, it's a way ofcaring for your emotional,
physical and spiritual health soyou can love better.
I think a lot of times you know,as husband and wife in ministry
you have to be careful withthat because you do have to say
(17:14):
no at some point, because youcan get to the point where
you're serving or you're doingthis and you're doing that and
you can get burned out.
And I think that you know, justreading that of knowing that
it's not self-centered, I mean,helps me tremendously, you know,
because some people like Dancan say, like he said earlier I
think on our last episode, somepeople can serve, serve, serve,
(17:36):
serve and then not affect themat all.
Why others they can serve butthey can over serve and you know
it's detrimental on the insidewhere you know you don't
recognize it.
But I think sometimes I likethe fact that if your spouse or
something like that, you canlove better, if you have to say
no and it's not self-centered.
Daniel Moore (17:58):
Yeah.
I really really like that.
When you're consumed witheverything else around you, you
don't leave that space to loveeach other.
Michelle Moore (18:04):
Yeah.
Daniel Moore (18:05):
If you can keep all of that stuff from consuming
you, that leaves room for thatlove to operate.
Michelle Moore (18:09):
Yeah, sorry people, I had to do that.
Dan and I are having a daytrying to record.
This has just been so funny.
We had our dog spark earlier,but that's probably going to be
cut out, but we just, you knowwe'll leave the motorcycle in
(18:29):
there you're gonna hear me saythat, but I just like the fact
of that because I thinksometimes you know you have to
go back to the yard, you have towork on yourself.
Daniel Moore (18:39):
Yeah.
Michelle Moore (18:41):
And if you're over serving and you're not
taking care of yourself and yourinternal relationship with
Christ, you know it's going toreflect in your marriage as well
.
You know you may be short withsomeone or you're short with
your husband or something.
You need to pay attention tothat and I think sometimes we
love God and we want to be doingthings for God, that you have
(19:03):
to be careful with that andsometimes, setting that boundary
, you have to remember you'renot being selfish and you're not
going to let that person downthat you're serving for or
anything like that or whatyou're doing, because you have
to take care of your internalself.
Daniel Moore (19:20):
Yeah, yeah.
And there's a lot of marriage.
There's marriages out therethat have fell apart, even with
pastors, because they pouredeverything into their church and
their congregation andneglected their marriage.
Yeah, and you would think, ifsomebody's serving God in that
way, how could they ever havethat happen?
But it happens.
Michelle Moore (19:37):
It does happen.
Daniel Moore (19:38):
It does.
You have to be careful withthat.
The third misconception if Ilove someone, I shouldn't need
boundaries.
So tell us about that one.
Michelle Moore (19:49):
The truth is, love without boundaries becomes
enabling, codependent or evenharmful.
True love includes truth andgrace.
Setting boundaries like pleasedon't yell at me when we argue
is not unloving.
It's inviting healthiercommunication.
Without boundaries, one spousecan begin to dominate or
(20:13):
disrespect the other withoutrealizing it and damaging the
relationship.
Boy, I go back to the earlieryears of our marriage.
Yeah, and this really explainsit.
Like you know, we are.
We yelled at each other attimes and um it.
It isn't when it says pleasedon't yell at me when we argue
(20:35):
is not unloving yeah we weren'tin a healthy boundary marriage
at all.
So yelling at you was me likethis is what I have to say.
You're gonna.
You're gonna take what I haveto say and this is gonna be my
way, or the highway yeah so Ireally like the fact it's
inviting healthier communication, which we don't do now.
(20:56):
But yeah.
I can't remember the last timewe've yelled at each other.
Daniel Moore (21:00):
It's been a long time, thank goodness.
I don't want you punching me.
Michelle Moore (21:05):
Hey, I didn't say that.
Listen to him.
I had to get you on that one.
Oh, you did.
Daniel Moore (21:12):
That was a good one.
That was a good one.
Yeah, we have to remember thateven because we have a deep love
for each other does not meanthat we're never going to have
an argument.
Michelle Moore (21:19):
That's right.
Daniel Moore (21:19):
I mean it is very possible for some day for
something to happen.
Yeah, and with the pressures oflife, the pressures of family,
work, whatever it may be,everybody deals with that, and
we do disagree.
Yeah, and we have disagreements,and sometimes disagreements can
get elevated, yes, and you canraise your voices.
You can say some snippy thingsthat you regret later.
(21:40):
So just because you are fullymadly in love with somebody,
don't take that as a as to saythat, oh, because of that, I
don't have to set a boundarywith you, because we're still
human.
It doesn't matter how much welove each other, we still have
those human instincts and thosehuman attributes, and there are
days that we're going to wake upon the wrong side of the bed
(22:01):
and something's going to flipthat trigger and it's going to
be a bad day.
And so you have to always makesure that you conscientiously
keep those boundaries in placeso that when that does happen,
then you have a process of howto process all of that through
and then get together with thecommunication once you're both
ready, and fix that problem andnot let it go on all day long.
Aria (22:21):
Right.
Daniel Moore (22:21):
And so you know, love does it be in truth and
grace.
That's so true with love,because if we truly love someone
, then we're going to betruthful and upfront and honest
with that person, yes, and thenwe're also going to give them
the most grace, because that'sthe person that we love the most
in our life, you know, besidesGod, and so we should have the
(22:42):
most abundance of grace for ourspouse over anyone, to make sure
that that relationship stayswhere it should be.
So if you're one of thesecouples that's just so madly in
love and you drool over eachother all the time, and you know
you've probably just beenmarried a year and you haven't
figured it all out yet, becauseStill need those boundaries yeah
you still need those boundariesin place and just make sure
(23:03):
that they're good, healthy ones.
biblically, the fourthmisconception if we need
boundaries, our marriage must beweak, and I can see people
thinking that, but the truth ofit is all.
(23:25):
Healthy marriages requireboundaries, even the strong ones
, and especially the strong ones.
Boundaries are sign of maturity, not weakness.
They show that both partnersare willing to communicate
honestly, take responsibilityfor their actions and respect
each other's needs.
The absence of boundaries oftenleads to confusion, resentment
or burnout, while the presenceof boundaries fosters truth and
(23:48):
peace.
And this one here, I think, isso good especially from a guy's
side of things.
You know, when we look at love,we look at marriage and that
kind of thing, a lot of guys aremore on the manly side of
things.
They're like I don't need noboundaries, we've done, we're
going to be a man, we'll figurethis stuff out, you know.
And we want to come in like abullet Like not reading
directions.
(24:08):
Exactly so this would be.
You know something that we asmen even have to remember that
just because we love our spousesand give into the womanly thing
sometimes, or whatever you wantto describe that doesn't mean
we're weak.
We give up our man card, andthat means nothing like that at
all.
In all reality, michelle isthankful that I have my
(24:31):
boundaries in place, just as Iam she has hers in place,
because it does.
It shows that we're bothwilling to work on our marriages
, regardless of what may come up.
We have those things in placeto make sure that if issues
happen, we can work throughthose.
Even just from the aspect oflooking at it from the outside,
that I'm glad that you have aboundary in place that's not
(24:53):
going to allow something to comein and wreck our marriage
because of something I say or do, and I think you look at it the
same way from the other side.
So it shows that we are beingintentional in our marriage.
We are intentionally trying tomake sure that those things are
in place so that we don't resenteach other in the long run.
Michelle Moore (25:13):
Yeah.
Daniel Moore (25:14):
Or we don't have confusion in what we both think,
or whatever.
We're on the same page witheverything that's going on
within our relationship, ourfamily and our home and we're
not getting burned out on eachother.
Yeah, because in a marriage,that's the last thing you want
to happen, is that burnout.
Michelle Moore (25:28):
Yeah.
Daniel Moore (25:28):
You're living together the rest of your life,
so you have to make sure youunderstand how to keep this
together, and so I think thatwhenever we have these
boundaries in place, then youknow that does.
It creates that space of trustwhere I can trust you, you can
trust me that we're going tohandle things the way we should,
and then that keeps the peacein our home.
Michelle Moore (25:48):
So, good.
Daniel Moore (25:49):
So the number five misconception boundaries mean I
don't trust my spouse.
What's the truth on that one?
Michelle Moore (25:57):
Boundaries help build trust, not destroy it.
Healthy boundaries clarifyexpectations, reduce
miscommunication and preventunnecessary hurt.
Hurt, for example, saying let'sagree not to share private
arguments with friends is aboundary that protects trust,
(26:17):
not suspicion, and it's so good.
That is very good.
Daniel Moore (26:29):
Yeah.
Michelle Moore (26:30):
And I think you know, just like how that example
of you know, you might notthink that's a boundary and just
say, hey, let's just not dothat.
But in all reality, when youare setting those, those are
boundaries.
Daniel Moore (26:42):
Yep, those are things that you don't want to
cross over.
Yeah, because the moment thatyou do, if you tell me that, if
you say let's not share theseprivate arguments, and then I go
do it, what's that going tomake you think about me?
You're going to lose my trustin me, and so then what's going
(27:03):
to happen after that?
You're going to question, youknow, second guess in the future
, if I tell Daniel this boundary, is he going to keep it or not?
Can I even trust him to?
You know, do what I request,and it would be the same way
with me.
You know, something happened onthe opposite side of that.
Michelle Moore (27:16):
Now, I do think that nobody's perfect.
Daniel Moore (27:19):
Right.
Michelle Moore (27:21):
And boundaries are set, but once in a great
while, there, you know it'sgoing to happen, you know, and
that's where the grace comes in.
Yeah, you know, you know, andthat's where the grace comes in.
Yeah, you know.
Daniel Moore (27:30):
And I think, as spouses, I know for myself and I
think you feel the same way.
If you know each other wellenough, as a spouse, we know
when we're truly repentant.
Aria (27:41):
Yeah.
Daniel Moore (27:46):
So I think there comes a point in your
relationship and your marriagewhere if I say, hey, I'm really
sorry about this, I shouldn'thave done that, I'm not going to
do it again, then you're goingto know if I'm being legit with
that or not, and so that's goingto build that trust back.
And then, of course, as you setanother boundary in the future
and I keep that boundary- that'sgoing to start building that
(28:06):
trust back stronger again.
And so just because you put aboundary there does not mean
that you don't trust each other.
It just means again that you'retrying to protect your marriage
, you're trying to protect yourrelationship, and that does
build trust because it's anhonesty.
It's really an honesty thingfor the most part, because if
(28:29):
and if you tell me to dosomething and I say I'm going to
do it, and then I followthrough, that's what builds
trust.
And so the more often thathappens then your trust becomes
stronger and stronger in thatperson.
And so that's what theseboundaries do.
You set them in place toprotect your personal
relationship between you andyour, your spouse, and in the
outside world.
And then when you guys keepthose boundaries you keep, you
(28:53):
know, going through those andnot breaking that trust then
that builds that trust betweeneach other and it just helps
that marriage to flourish.
And so it's definitely, ifyou've got that mindset that if
I set this boundary, my spouseis going to think I don't trust
them.
Michelle Moore (29:08):
And your boundaries can be anything Like
it can be hey, we're going toset a boundary, we're not going
to spend this much money, we'regoing to set this much aside,
you know, or hey, you're notgoing to go do this without me,
or you know, it could beanything.
But once you set those, makesure that you both are on you
know, on the same page, andeverything, because, as you can,
(29:29):
it's the trust and honesty.
Daniel Moore (29:37):
Yep.
And the final misconception towrap up the episode for this
week on boundaries is boundariesalways lead to conflict or
distance.
Give us the truth on that one.
Michelle Moore (29:44):
Boundaries may create temporary tension, but
they lead to deeper connection.
At first, setting a boundarycan feel uncomfortable,
especially if one spouse is usedto always pleasing or avoiding
conflict, but over time theyfoster mutual respect, healthier
communication there's that wordagain and lasting emotional
(30:06):
safety which actuallystrengthens closeness.
I really like that.
That's a good one.
Daniel Moore (30:11):
Yeah, you know, when you have a boundary set
there, we know that sometimesthose boundaries don't come with
icing on them Right.
Sometimes we put thoseboundaries in place that it
might upset the other spouse fora temporary span of time
because it may trigger that well, you don't trust me in their
(30:34):
mind, depending on what thesituation may be.
But as time goes along we knowthat healthy boundaries they do
draw you closer.
And that connection because,like we were just talking in the
last one part of building thattrust to the most trustfulness
that we can have between eachother, that does make our
(30:58):
connection deeper.
Yeah, because the more I trustyou, the more I love you.
Aria (31:02):
Yeah.
Daniel Moore (31:02):
You know, the more that I feel like I can talk to
you about things, the more Ifeel like I can share stuff with
you that I don't share withanybody else, the more I feel
like I can share stuff with youthat I don't share with anybody
else.
You know, it gets to thatintimate side of things where
there's stuff that I will nottell anybody.
But yet I have a deep enoughconnection with you because I
(31:22):
trust you, because of theseboundaries to put in place and
we've kept those, thoseboundaries between us to be
healthy and in a biblical way Iget to a point where I know that
I can share anything with youand you're going to understand
or help me walk through or talkme through things, and I want to
be that person for you.
And so I know that it's easy towant to avoid conflict,
especially if you have apersonality like I've had in the
(31:45):
past.
I still don't really likeconflict a whole lot, to be
honest, but the way that Ihandle the marriage now with you
, I don't have hardly anytrouble with that anymore
because me and you do such agood job of talking things out.
Michelle Moore (32:00):
Well, I think that's the communication thing
it is.
I mean honestly, we trust eachother so much that we're open
and honest about everything.
I mean, I say things and I lookat you sometimes and I'm like I
know what he's thinking andthen he'll say it, but it's like
we've worked hard.
I mean, you know, being marriedover 20 years and everything
(32:20):
we've walked through it,marriage is work.
I don't I mean, it's just work,you know, and it's not like you
go to your job every day, youknow to.
It's like a relationship withChrist.
It's work.
It's not just handed to you andbe like, oh okay, here you go.
It's work and communication,boundaries, grace.
(32:43):
There's so much in a marriagethat you have to have.
And you know, and I'm sothankful, though, that we've
walked where we've walked tohelp us to be where we're at
today, though.
Yeah, and you know, and I'm sothankful, though, that we've
walked where we've walked tohelp us to be where we're at
today, though.
Daniel Moore (32:54):
Yeah.
Michelle Moore (32:54):
I mean, if you can do that from the very
beginning and not have to walkwhat we did that's awesome, and
that's our prayer for everybody.
Yeah.
Daniel Moore (33:03):
Well, there's that saying that you don't know what
you've got till it's gone.
And, unfortunately, in oursituation, I feel like that's
the mantra that we live by forso long, because the turnaround
in our marriage was when wealmost got divorced.
I mean, it took that to help usto understand how important
this relationship really is, howmuch we really do need to
(33:24):
communicate, how much we do needto rely on each other and trust
each other, and it just changedthe whole aspect of the whole
thing at that point, because wealmost lost it and we truly
loved each other.
And it just changed the wholeaspect of the whole thing at
that point because we almostlost it and we truly loved each
other.
You know, it was by stupiditythat we ended up where we were
and selfishness and a lot of theother things that goes into all
of that and it shouldn't havetaken that to make us turn
(33:47):
around and to realize that.
And that's one reason we sharewhat we do on our podcast
because, especially newlywedspeople that's been married five,
10 years, whatever you're stillkind of the first parts of your
marriage it's so important thatyou start working on this stuff
from day one.
Michelle Moore (34:02):
Yeah, you know, don't wait.
Keep God at the center, exactly.
Daniel Moore (34:06):
Yeah, you don't wait until it's too late, and
you know a lot of people.
If you go into churches andtalk to Christians or whatever,
the first thing they'll say iswell, you know, you just need to
pray about it, because prayerchanges things, you know.
Michelle Moore (34:19):
And it does.
Daniel Moore (34:20):
It does to an extent, but in all reality, it's
not things that prayer changes.
Prayer changes people.
People changes things, and wealways have to keep that in mind
, because everything thathappens in your life is usually
instigated by a person, and soif that person does not change,
then those things aren'tnecessarily going to change,
(34:41):
because you're still dealingwith a person in the middle.
And so when you start prayingabout these things that are
going on in your marriages andthese bad things that are
happening and all that kind ofthing, make sure that you not
only just pray for yourself,because you should always, you
know, pray for yourself first.
God, if there's anything in me,forgive me for this.
You know, take care of home basefirst, but then pray for those
(35:03):
other people that are involvedthat God would change their
hearts and the process of all ofthat.
The whole scenario changes atthat point, and so that's where
these boundaries come into play.
Um, you know, and there's a lotof good uh myths that were
busted here today on theseboundaries, and hopefully, um,
one of them resonated withsomeone out there that's
(35:23):
listening If you're having someissues with with boundaries.
Um, so we're going to go aheadand close up this week's episode
with that.
Next week's episode.
We'll come back and we're goingto start going through
different areas of boundariessexually and spiritually, just
different places in our lifewhere we set boundaries and why
(35:43):
we do that and how we do that.
So we'll talk about that on thenext episode that we come back
with our marriage episodes here.
So in the meantime, though,don't forget that boundaries in
marriage, they're not aboutcontrol, avoidance or isolation.
They're about creating arelationship where both people
are free to love, respect andgrow together without fear,
(36:05):
confusion or resentment.
Boundaries are not a sign ofdivision.
They're a pathway to deeperunity.
In Proverbs, chapter four, verse23,.
It sums it all up.
It says above all else, guardyour heart, for everything you
do flows from it.
How do you guard your heart?
You set up boundaries.
It's all biblical in how all ofthis works.
(36:27):
Well, is that all you have forthis week to add to this?
Okay?
Well, we're going to go aheadthen and call this one good.
Please subscribe to be surethat you don't miss the next
episode that comes along.
I'm Daniel Moore, and my wife,michelle, has been sitting over
here with me this week.
Michelle Moore (36:42):
Bye guys.
Daniel Moore (36:43):
And we're going to be back again later on.
Thank you for listening.
The show really be possiblewithout you.
If you're a fan of the show,leave a review.
And Apple podcast or showreally be possible without you.
If you're a fan of the show,leave a review on Apple Podcasts
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Or if you'd like to help us out, just take a few seconds to
give us a five-star click andplease subscribe to us on your
favorite platform.
The links are in the show notes.
Well, that's all for this week.
(37:04):
We pray that your marriage isstronger and your walk with God
is closer after this episode.
This is an extension ofConnecting the Gap Ministries
and we pray that you have ablessed week.
Aria (37:11):
You've been listening to Connecting the Gap Podcast.
In this world, there are manydisconnects that cause chaos in
our lives.
This podcast is birthed fromthe desire to share hope and
restoration of the power of thegospel by being transparent and
open in our biblical walk withGod.
Each week, we take a fewmoments as we navigate God's
Word and peer into otherpeople's testimonies and
encourage each other to connectthe gap.
(37:31):
We upload a new audio podcastevery Thursday and a video
version of it on YouTube andRumble.
We are also on the Christianpodcasting app, edify.
You can subscribe to ourpodcast on many of the available
podcasting platforms, includingApple Podcast, spotify, amazon
Music, iheartradio, tunein Radioand more.
We are also available on yourAlexa-enabled devices.
(37:52):
If you would like to contactour ministry for any reason,
visit our contact page and sendus a message.
We hope you are blessed by thisministry.
This is a production ofConnecting the Gap Ministries.
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