7 Steps to Sexual Intimacy in Marriage - 224 - Marriage Life and More

Episode Transcript
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Daniel Moore (00:00):
This episode covers some adult-themed
material in nature.
If you have young ones around,I'd pop in my earbuds or listen
to this when you are by yourself.
Listener, discretion is advised.
The question of oral sex andsome of those types of things

(00:23):
are brought up quite often.
The question of oral sex andsome of those types of things
are brought up quite often.
As far as in a Christian aspect, is it actually okay to do that
kind of thing?
And this little section herepretty much hits it right on the
head.
It's the same way as it is withanything when it comes to our
walk with Christ.
We have a roadmap that's beengiven to us to follow as being a

(00:44):
Christian, and that's the Bible, and they're everything that's
that's wrong for us to do as aChristian.
That is a sin, is listed inthat book, and if it's not there
, then I feel like I agree here.
I feel like that if it's not inthere that it's a sin, that
it's something bad that youshouldn't be doing, then I don't

(01:05):
see why there is an issue withintroducing those types of
things into your relationshipsif that's what's going to help
you grow closer and create thatstronger bond between each other
.
This week, on Marriage LifeMore, we're wrapping up our
study on the four laws of love,life and more.

(01:45):
We're wrapping up our study onthe four laws of love as we
finish up our two-part episodeon true sexual intimacy.
We'll be back to get into thatright after this.
Welcome to Marriage Life andMore.

(02:07):
This is a podcast about marriage, bible and book studies.
We also interview people thathave inspiring and interesting
stories.
I'm Daniel Moore.
Your host, michelle.
My wife, is sitting here.
She's the fantastic co-hostthat I have with me here on this
podcast.
I want to thank you guys forjoining us this week.
If you're not familiar with ourshow, check out our website.
Hosts that I have with me hereon this podcast.
I want to thank you guys forjoining us this week.

(02:28):
If you're not familiar with ourshow, check out our website and
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(02:49):
Podcasts and we thank you forthat, as that helps our podcast
to grow and get it out to morepeople that need to hear these
episodes.
Well, last week we started offour final two episodes of our
extended series on the four lawsof love, and last week it got a
little sexy.
We were talking about truesexual intimacy and we're going

(03:12):
to go ahead and wrap that upthis week.
We're going to be talking aboutseven steps to sexual pleasure
and intimacy.

Michelle Moore (03:21):
I hope you all have had a good time listening
to our series, the Four Laws ofLove, by Jimmy Evans, going
through it and walking life withus through this series of
listening to Dan and I of all ofour mistakes and where God has
brought us through andeverything that where we're at

(03:44):
now Yep, it's been're at now.

Yep, it's been quite a ride.

Yeah, so it's kind of sad for this last one.

Yeah, but we've got more good stuff coming.
Oh, absolutely, this isn't theend of it.
Yeah, originally, when westarted this, we thought we'd
just do this series and, mightyou know, just be done with it
and may go back to my normalthing.
But, as you've seen, god'sdirected us to do something
completely different and weflipped the podcast to a
marriage platform at this point,and she's going to stay with me
.

You would be surprised.
He's got me chained down tomake me do these things.
No, I am super excited.
I feel like that.
This has definitely beensomething new for me and it's
definitely made me grow out ofmy comfort zone.
And I say things all the timeI'm like I probably shouldn't
have said that.
Or, you know, did that soundright?

(04:32):
Or if I listen to it going back, I'm like, well, I didn't even
say that word, right.
But you know what?
I'm just being real.
Dan and I are being real, andthis is what you get.
Yeah, this good old GranbyMissouri, little girl I wouldn't
say little girl, I am a oldperson now.

And for those of you that don't know about Granby
Missouri.

There's not much there.

You get a chance.
It's a place you want to visitand check it out, and then
you'll see what she's talkingabout it's a farm town, as they
say it'sone of those what you blink in
the road.
You blink your eyes and youmiss it.
It's a rural town close to us.
That's so funny.
It's a good little place.
There's a nice creek that runsthrough there that we kayak on

(05:18):
occasionally, and stuff.
But we're going to go ahead,though, and get started this
week on the episode.
And we're going to go ahead,though, and get started this
week on the episode and we'regoing to be talking again, as I
said, the seven steps to sexualpleasure and intimacy.
So, as we get started this week, as we pop out this last

(05:42):
episode here, we're going to betalking about seven steps that
you can take to have sexualpleasure in your marriage and
intimacy.
And this is doing it God's wayand this is the biblical
application that you can putinto your life to make this the
best thing that you could everhave between you and your spouse
you and your spouse.

(06:07):
So, the very first one here.
I'm going to let you start offwith this and let you do step
number one here as we getstarted.

So, number one pray and invite God into your
sexuality.
We stated in the previousepisode that spiritual intimacy
and praying together as a coupleis one of a woman's most
important sex needs, buthusbands and wives should both
pray individually as well forsexual temptations, problems and

(06:35):
desires.
Many people are grossed out atthe thought of talking to God
about sexual issues, but hecreated sex and is present with
us every time we are having sex.
It isn't gross to God.
It is beautiful and he wants usto enjoy it.
Therefore, we need to keep oursexuality as an open

(06:57):
conversation before Him.
Trust God to increase yoursexual desires if that is an
issue, believe in Him to healsexual or physical issues that
are hindering your ability toperform or be sexually intimate.
Sex is sacred to God and hecares deeply about us.
You will find that includingGod in your sexual relationship

(07:21):
will add untold blessings.
Remember, the devil is theprince of darkness.
He uses shame, guilt andignorance to keep us from coming
to God or others with ourproblems.
That is the same scheme he usedin the Garden of Eden to get
Adam and Eve to hide from Godafter they sinned.

(07:41):
The irony is this when you hidefrom God, you're hiding from
your healer.
He loves you more than you canpossibly comprehend.
He is a loving, forgiving Godwho is compassionate and
understanding.
Bring your sexual issues intothe light of God's love.
It will change and set you free.
I'm not sure that I've everprayed it will change and set

(08:05):
you free.
I'm not sure that I've everprayed about that to God.
I can't say that I have.

It's something that I think a lot of us don't
really think about, Becausewhenever we have sexual issues
between each other, I think as acouple, we have a tendency to
blame ourselves.
You know, one or the other,whether if it's us blaming the
other spouse or if it's justwithin our own selves, we just
feel like we've got somethinggoing on and it's something we
need to fix and take care of.

(08:30):
But in all reality, I think alot of times just like last week
, you know, we talked aboutpornography and we talked about
having those types of hang upsand strongholds in our lives
that Satan puts upon us.
You know, a lot of times if wedo have difficulty performing
sexually with each other as amarried couple, we probably

(08:52):
haven't really thought about it,but a lot of those times those
may be things that Satan'sputting upon us.

Aria (08:57):
Yeah.

You know, because he does know that, with the
sexual intimacy part of ourrelationship, that is that true
core bond that bonds us together.
That's that soul tie as wetalked about last week that we
create and all of those hormonesthat are released and the
result of those hormones beingreleased into our bodies.
That's what creates thateverlasting deep love that we

(09:23):
nurture and grow between eachother.
Satan doesn't like that.

Right, and I guess I can go back and remember
when, after I had the affair,how much guilt and shame I felt,
you know, after if we weremaking love or something like
that, there was thoughts in mymind like how could I do this?
Blah, blah, blah.
I won't go into any detail onthat, but I can remember that

(09:48):
and I guess I did have to prayto God to help me with my mind
and how to overcome that.

Well, I will take it a little bit of a step
further on what you justcommented there.
I know for myself when we firststarted moving forward with our
relationship.
One of the things that I didhave to fight in my mind is
every time we did hook up andstart having.

I love the word hook up Sorry.

Yeah, have a sexual relationship again and
trying to reboot that.

Aria (10:17):
Yeah.

There was times in my mind that I was thinking
okay, is she thinking about meor him, or are you thinking
about me or him.
You know?
Yeah, or are you thinking aboutme or him?

Aria (10:27):
Yeah.

You know, those are thoughts that Satan would
place inside of my mind, yeah,and inside of me.
We had discussed what our planwas and we were trying to move
forward and we were trying tomake that work.
So I knew that wasn't true, butat the same time Satan was
trying to use that to put alittle issue there to cause some
problems between us sexually.

Right, and I can remember saying I'm not worth
this, like why is he giving mean opportunity or a chance at
this, you know, and that wouldplay in my mind constantly and
for that played in my mind forquite some time.

Yeah, so it's the best therapy to just sit there
and try to fix that ourselves,or should we have prayed about
it?
You know, I guess that's whereit comes down to.
That was probably a spiritualattack, in essence, and I will
say, there's times I did prayabout that because I had to.
That was a way that I utilizedto work through some of those

(11:22):
times, and I know I feel like Iknow you did the same thing.

Yeah, absolutely , that's what I was getting
ready to say.
I had to pray through it.

Yeah, it's.
There's times in your life whenyou have stuff like that happen
.
That really is trauma andthere's no other way to get
through that except to introduceGod into that equation.

And then I know, mentally, there was times that
we were both like we just can'tright now, like if one wanted it
and the other one didn't,because you have to, you know,
you have to work through it, youknow.
So it wasn't like, oh, let's go.
You know we had to work throughit, yeah and yeah.

And there is a lot to be said of being a praying
couple.

Aria (12:00):
Yeah, couple.

I think that when we have our prayer lives and we
have those moments that we talkto God and we pour our things
out to Him, that does help usgrow, even within our own
relationships in our home,especially if we're praying
about those things that goes onbetween you and I and the
direction that our home shouldbe going for direction and all

(12:23):
that kind of thing.
And so if we keep God in themix and keep Him in the middle
of that, then that's only goingto help our sexual relationship
grow better and that's onlygoing to help it to get to where
it is that God wants it to be.
And this is something I thinkthat probably a lot of people
haven't really thought about,but it's probably a picture you
need to keep in your mind is,yes, whenever we're having sex

(12:46):
and having those moments ofintimate relationship, god is
there.

If we're a true Christian couple and we're
keeping God in our life, he'swith us all the time, and so—
it's just not something you everthink about.

It's weird to think about it that way.

I'm going to be honest it's definitely not
something.
Even now, I don't.

So, knowing that, how does that make you want to,
you know, perform that part ofyour life?
You want to make sure that it'spure, you want to make sure
that it's in the right mindset.

I'm going to be sitting here looking and
thinking of a picture of Jesusand God.

And I'm going to be like somebody's watching.

Sorry, I shouldn't have said that.

Closing the curtains, yeah, but you know God
, as we've talked about God,created this whole thing, anyway
, and he had full intentions ofthis relationship, of how it was
supposed to work, what it wassupposed to create between me
and you and between othermarried couples, and if it's

(13:43):
done in the way that God wantsit to be, there's no deeper love
between two individualsphysically or in this physical
state here on this earth.
You know, barring therelationship we have with God,
there is no strongerrelationship that can be formed
if we do that the way that Godwanted us to do that.
So I guess the best takeawayfrom that first point is is make

(14:05):
sure that if you're performingsexual relationships with
someone, that it's the way thatGod wants you, because he's
sitting there watching you don'twant to be doing the wrong
thing, because Satan's going tobe in there to use that shame
and that guilt.
He's going to try to throw alot of that stuff on you.

And if you're having problems, as it says,
bring your sexual issues intothe light of God's love.
Yeah, because he is our healer.

He can heal all of those issues, absolutely.
Just like he healed ours.
Yes, because it's been yearsnow since I've even thought
about any of our past.

Yeah, and trust me, after we talk about it, we
don't even think about it.
God has just been so good to usabout that.

We're just thankful that we can use it as a
testimony now to maybe helpothers Absolutely.
The second one is kind of just alittle short one here.
It's have a vision for your sexlife.
You know, back in episode 213of this series we taught you
about the importance of havingan annual vision retreat.
We briefly mentioned in thatepisode that one of the areas

(15:04):
that you should be praying andgetting a vision for is your sex
life together.
It's very helpful to talk aboutsex openly, even when you aren't
in bed, and this is somethingthat Michelle and I have had to
grow over time, because therewas a point in our life,
especially when our kids wereyounger and still at home, we
really never talked about thisstuff very rarely between each

(15:26):
other.
We just let it happen.
And I think that one thing thatwe have made a point ever since
all of the stuff's happened inour life in the past, we have
made it a point now to watchthat part of our life a little
bit closer and to make sure thatwe are being proactive and, you
know, moving in a positive way,regardless of how often or how

(15:49):
often it does or does not happen.
This is something that you andI can actually still we can
openly talk about it at thispoint, and it has become a care
point for us.
Yeah, you know, we want to makesure that not only are our
bills paid and not only is itimportant that we're backing
each other in our jobs orkeeping the house clean or all

(16:09):
this other stuff that goes on inour daily activities.
We also know how important itis to make sure that our
intimate moments whether if itinvolves sex or not we want to
make sure that that's where itneeds to be.

Yeah, and we definitely.
You know, I'm a type of personI'm not like a calendar person,
like hey, you know this has beenthis day, this date, but
between the two of us, when wehave this care point, we will be
like, okay, it's, you know,it's been a little while, like
we're so busy we need to slowdown and just kind of talk about
this, and then you know it'slike it's been months when

(16:44):
really it hasn't, but it feelslike that sometimes, and so it's
very interesting, becausebefore we would never talk about
that, and I mean we're just.
As you get older, I think,though, your intimacy changes a
lot too.

It can.
Yes, Some people still go likerabbits, but some don't.

So yeah, I can't believe.
You just said that.

It can change for sure, but I think that's kind of
based on life, life happeningsand just things that take place
or whatever.
That was good, but I thinkwhether if it is something that
happens frequently, or if it'ssomething that just happens on a
random basis, the importantthing of that is that it's
satisfying your needs betweeneach other and that you are
still growing closer and stillbuilding that relationship and

(17:29):
you're super happy with whereyou're at between you two and
God I think that's what the mostimportant thing is, because
there are situations and we willget into this into a future
episode where the guy or thewoman can have issues come up
because of illness or surgeriesor those kinds of things where
it can actually hamper thesexual drive and even age or

(17:53):
weight.
There's different things thatcan affect that.
It's how do you work throughthose things is what you have to
be careful of.
You have to be careful of andjust make sure that your vision
for that sexual part you can'tjust do away with it completely,
because that's a huge part ofthe core of that relationship
God's created for us.
So you have to make sure younurture that and keep it healthy

(18:14):
, however that may look to youin your point in your life.
So that's the second one is tohave a vision for your sex life
and to make sure that you'reproactive with it, make sure
that it's moving in a positivedirection and that it's moving
in a way that it's building yourrelationship, not only between
each other but between you andGod.
So what's number three?

Be a sexual servant to your spouse.
In episode 212, we talked aboutthe importance of having a
servant spirit in your marriage.
Nowhere is there more importantthan in the bedroom.
The secret of ultimate sexualsatisfaction by both spouses is
a servant heart.
When two servants have sex, itis a wonderful win-win

(18:59):
experience.
They love serving and pleasingeach other and don't mind doing
something they don't need.
They aren't selfishly focusedon themselves, they are focused
on the object of their affectionand making sure they are
pleased.
Selfishness and dominance killsexual intimacy.
If you are not a selfless andgenerous lover, you are robbing

(19:23):
your spouse of something veryimportant to them, and I really
like this one.
This one to me is somethingthat you are phenomenal at, and

(19:48):
my previous marriage I never hadthis at all, like it was not
anything about me at any time,and so when I married you, it
was very interesting that thefact that it's like, oh, it's
about me, you know, and itchanged the way I looked at it.

(20:09):
It took me a while, but it took.
You know.
I love the fact that you alwayswanted to take care of me first
, and I think we both hadseasons of life where we both
went back and forth to where youknow.
Hey, this is your time, I'mgoing to take care of you, and I
feel like this area we arereally both good at.

Well, we have to remember and I don't know if
we've really brought this up yetthroughout this series but it
takes a little bit differentprocess for the women to get to
the point where they areactually satisfied sexually and
it usually takes longer for thatto happen than it does for the
guy.
And I think a lot of times guysforget that and they think that

(20:53):
you know what, as long as weget in there and do our thing
and I'm happy when we're done,that she's going to be happy too
, because I'm happy.
But then if she never reallygot to the point that she was
wanting to get to, she'sprobably not as happy as the guy
thinks she is you know, andunfortunately in a lot of
situations like that, the womenwon't speak up and they just act

(21:15):
like oh yeah, that was great,Everything's fine.
You know, they roll over and goto sleep, and so the guys in a
lot of cases, I think, sometimesdon't even have any idea that
their wife never really got tothe point where she enjoyed it
to the fullness.

I think that part too comes with
communication.

It does yeah.
You know, and so this part ofbeing a servant to the spouse,
it has to be two-sided because,as we've been talking about
through these whole two sectionshere, if the husband and the
wife are going to be completelysatisfied sexually in that part
of their relationship to theextent of the way that it's

(21:51):
supposed to be, then you bothhave to be fulfilling that need.
You can't just halfway fulfillone need on one side and let
that happen all the time, and onthe other side it gets
completely fulfilled.
That just doesn't work that way.
That leaves a longing there inone of those spouses.
They always feel like there's avoid that's not being taken
care of and that can get veryexasperating to them and

(22:16):
frustrating.
I think is the best word forthat, probably and so that
communication is very importantand the guys, you've got to
remember that your wife, herenjoyment of that is just as
important or more than yours,and you need to make sure that
that's taken care of.
And there are a lot of timeswhere one spouse may want

(22:38):
something done to them that theother spouse has never done or
really has no desire to do it,and I think that when that comes
up, that's a conversation thatyou both have to have.
I think that when that comes up, that's a conversation that you
both have to have and you haveto understand that there are,
I'm sure, everybody's going tohave their boundaries.
They're going to have theirspot that they don't want to

(23:00):
cross.
But make sure that if you setthat boundary, that you both can
agree on that boundary and thatyou both are okay with that.
And especially if, like as itwas mentioned here, if it's
something that's not a sin ortaking you down a harmful road,
if it's just something thatcould be enjoyable between the
two of you, that's going toreally cause no harm.
Even if you don't enjoy doingthat kind of thing, every once

(23:22):
in a while you might want toconsider allowing your spouse to
enjoy that, because that issomething that's going to even
make you love each other evenmore.
The fact that you wouldsacrifice something for your
other spouse for their enjoymentthat just I know for myself
that does a lot for my psyche,because I know that if that
there's things that I enjoy thatyou don't, but if you do that

(23:44):
for me, I know I feel completelydifferent about our
relationship after that.
Yeah, because I look at you aslike you know she really does
love me.
I know I feel completelydifferent about our relationship
after that Because I look atyou as like you know she really
does love me.
I mean she'll do things thatshe doesn't even want to do for
me and vice versa, and you knowthat really just does awesome
things for how I feel about youand how I look at you at my
spouse, and so definitely keepthose boundaries as they need to

(24:09):
be there.
It might be something you needto pray over to try to get a
peace in those situations, inthose areas, because everybody
looks at sex a little bitdifferently obviously.

Absolutely, they do.

But don't forget that God did call us to be
servants to our spouses and thatservanthood encompasses
everything, every aspect of ourrelationship and our marriage,
including the sexual part.
So don't be selfish with thatin a selfish manner.
Talk through it Right,Communicate.

Aria (24:42):
So good.

The fourth one take turns being the focus of
the experience and this kind ofpiggybacks off the last one.
Jimmy shared that one of thethings Karen and this kind of
piggybacks off the last one.
Jimmy shared that one of thethings Karen and he would do
that really worked great forthem was having his nights or
her nights every now and then.
Men and women are different byGod's design and we both have
different sexual natures andneeds, which we just discussed.
The purpose of having nightsthat focus on one of us is to

(25:05):
make sure our needs are beingfully met.
He went on to say that onKaren's nights they would do a
lot of talking and things were.
That's right, that's all of usguys.

(25:29):
Things are the way he wouldchoose and Karen was focused on
him.
Sex and marriage should be awin-win proposition and no one
should be left out or in secondplace.
We should have sex on afrequency and in ways that make
sure that both spouses arefulfilled, which we just talked
about that earlier.
For this to occur, there'sgoing to have to be concessions

(25:50):
on both sides.

I really like that.

I think it's an awesome idea because it allows
you to not forget that one ofthe other may not be being
pleased.
We should try that In that partof our relationship.
I don't think we have thatissue.

No, but it's still no, I'm just saying his or
her.
I understand what you're sayingyou know you write down.
I think you should write down alist of everything that you
like and then hand it to me andsay here's my list on one of my
nights.
Here you go.

You won't have to read a whole, I mean.

I mean come on Dan.

But yeah, this is something that can be considered
.

I mean, you might want me to wash your truck
.

Oh hey, now we're talking.

Doesn't have to always be sexual.

That's true, so you can see where the guy's mind
goes.
It just goes right in thegutter.

But no, I think you know, this is a way that.

I think if you're having trouble being a servant
to your spouse, maybe take thisapproach and that will maybe
help work through that process alittle smoother, possibly.

And I do think that you know, if you do do that
, do write down things that youlike, that you would want to be
pleased by, and same for thefemale.
So because sometimes guys justdon't know.

Yeah.

And wives don't really know.
You know themselves of, like,what makes him happy or turns
him on or whatever.
You know that may be somethingthat you know if you're newly
married.
Write them down, you know, andsit down and talk about them
before you do that.
You know and just like hey,this is.
You know what I like, what Idon't like, and you know.

And this is a huge part of the relationship.
You're going to find out, asyou if you're newly married.
You're going to find out as theyears go by that the sexual
part of your relationship isthat glue that keeps you
together in all reality.
Everything else kind ofcirculates around all of that.

(27:51):
And there's.
This is no place to beembarrassed to talk about things
.
If you are too embarrassed totell your spouse what you like
and don't like and those kindsof things, then you need to work
on that.
You need to try to get to apoint where you both can be
completely open with thosethings, because that's what's
going to get you to the placewhere God you know God designed
this for having children but, healso designed it for our
pleasure.

(28:12):
We know that by reading theBible, that that's why this was
created between us and to helpus, you know, nurture this
relationship in a godly way, andso we have full grounds to.
You know, take it wherever itneeds to go for to be able to
have that type of relationshipthat God wants you to have.
And if you're too embarrassedto talk about it, you're never

(28:35):
going to make it to that point,and you're going to probably
leave frustrating voids.

Yeah, you don't want.
And seasons of life, your bodychanges.

Yeah.

And you know, having children as a female
perspective, or having surgeriesof health issues.
You know, as you get older itall changes.
And you know, as women, we'rekind of critical on ourselves.
If you know, if you used to bethis small person and you've
gained all this weight, or youknow, or hey, your body's been

(29:06):
like cut stuff, your mind can gointo a place that I'm just not.
I don't want him to see me thatway.
I don't want to have sex.

Aria (29:17):
You become self-conscious.

Yeah, very, and it's like you know you have to
talk that through with yourspouse Because more than likely
they kind of already know whatyou're thinking.
But give them the opportunityto build you up, give them the
opportunity to encourage youthat it's okay.

(29:39):
I mean, heck, my body's changeda lot, multiple different times
, and I tell Dan to this day Imean there's been times I've
really struggled with it, and heknows I really struggle with my
weight and I mean that is oneof my things that Satan really,
really fights me with.
And over the years it's justlike I'm so thankful you still

(29:59):
love me for who?
Not for my body, because that'snot what's important.
He loves me for who I am andwhat's in my heart.
You know, and I think sometimeswe lose sight of that it's
about the body and it's not.
It is not.

So just remember, if you are fighting that, talk
to your spouse, let them knowwhat's going on in your
relationship and your marriagefor the right reasons, then your
ultimate goal should be towanting to create that family

(30:34):
and that family unit around you.
As you grow older and them kidsgrow up, you create a legacy,
basically.
And so what the female goesthrough to have those children
you know, I look at you knowwhat's happened with your body,
with having the children andeverything, the way that you've
had to do it To me that's abeautiful thing, because that's

(30:57):
the beauty of the family unitbeing created and that's one of
the purposes that we got marriedwas to have a family and to be
together.
And that's a sacrifice that Isee you make and you know that
makes me love you that much more, because the fact that you're
willing to sacrifice what youonce had as a younger person, to
sacrifice that as you get olderand I feel like that a lot of

(31:20):
guys lose that perspective andas they get older, they all of a
sudden want this young teenagefigure again in front of them,
you know, and want to trade themin for a younger model, and
some women do the same thing tothe guys.
But in all reality, you know,beauty should be better with age
, you know it's.

(31:40):
I think that over time, asthose scars that we have because
we've been fighting for ourfamily and building our family
and building that legacy, thereare battle scars that come along
with that and those should bebeautiful to us because those
are sacrifices that we both havemade as we endeavor to create
our family unit.

I always tease Dan about him loving around the
world map because the stretchmarks that I have that's
probably TMI.
But you know I always tease himabout it and you know he's
always been really good and soencouraging to me that now it's
like I don't really say anythingabout it anymore.
I don't think anything about it.
You know he has done such agreat job of making me always

(32:22):
feel beautiful.

Yeah, and that's what a guy's supposed to do.
I mean, that's the wholeessence of the love that you
should have for your spouse andyou don't.
You know, dumb them down andtalk down and, you know, point
out all the flaws all the timeand expect them to fix them.
That's not the purpose of usbeing married.
We're married to grow togetherand to love each other more and

(32:46):
more every day, regardless ofwhat kind of through, thick and
thin, rich, poor, all that stuffcomes into play.

Oh, absolutely.

Those vows that we say at the beginnings.
All right, so we'll be going onhere to number five and you go
ahead and read that one.

This one is be adventurous and creative.
There are two extremes thatmust be avoided sexually.
One extreme is being in rutsand only doing sex one way all
the time Interesting, and onlydoing sex one way all the time
Interesting.
The second extreme is thepressure to be constantly
changing and experimenting.

(33:35):
You don't have to come up withsomething new constantly, but if
you never do anything different, it means you aren't taking sex
or your spouse seriously enough.
Pray about it, think about itand talk about it with your
spouse seriously enough.
Pray about it, think about itand talk about it with your
spouse.
Your annual vision retreat isalso a great place to talk about

(33:56):
this issue.
Regarding being adventurous,jimmy regularly gets questions
from husbands and wives aboutwhether he thinks oral sex, sex
toys and things like that areall right.
His response was if the Biblesays not to do something, you
shouldn't do it, but if it issomething the Bible doesn't

(34:17):
address, then you shouldconsider these questions Is it
safe?
Is it mutually agreed upon?
Does it harm our relationship?
Does it harm anyone else?
If something you areconsidering is against the Bible
, isn't unsafe, it's mutuallyagreed upon and doesn't harm

(34:40):
your relationship or anyone else, I would consider doing it and
see if you like it.
It might be that one spousereally likes it and the other
one is just all right with it.
That is fine.
You don't have to likesomething the same to do it.
But don't be a prude.
Keep your sexual relationshipspure, but have fun and be

(35:03):
creative.
By the way, it is important toknow that there are many reasons
we have sex.
Here are some of themReproduction, comfort, sensual
enjoyment and pleasure, bonding,self-esteem and confidence,

(35:23):
intimate connection andknowledge of our spouse,
protection from outsidetemptation as a covenant sign of
good faith.
When you remember that sex is amulti-dimensional and important
on many levels, it helps tokeep it in context and motivates
you to put energy into it.
I really like that.

(35:44):
I would definitely say that.
You know there's been timesthat we have definitely done
some different things.
Just to you know, try differentthings out.
I can't believe we're sayingthat just to spice it up.
You know, and that's not anissue that we've ever come
across, I think.

(36:05):
I think most of the time, ifwe've talked about something,
you know, if it's something thatyou really like and I'm kind of
OK, it's still OK because Iwant to please you.
So, same as me.
Now, we don't get heavilyinvested in toys or anything
like that.

Yeah, you know, it's one of those things that I
think I think we can vouch forthe fact that if, if it was the
same all the time, it would beprobably like being in a rut,
and I think a lot of peoplelistening probably can testify
to that same thing.
And so it is a good thing, Ithink, to mix it up every once

(36:45):
in a while and do differentthings and try different things
once in a while.
And do different things and trydifferent things.
And again, if you're in aservant attitude, like we talked
about earlier, then that's alsogoing to help your relationship
and trust that you have in yourspouse.
And you know this question ifyou go Google this, the question
of oral sex and some of thosetypes of things are brought up

(37:05):
quite often as far as, in aChristian aspect, is it actually
okay to do that kind of thing?
And this little section herepretty much hits it right on the
head.
It's the same way as it is withanything.
When it comes to our walk withChrist, we have a roadmap that's
been given to us to follow asbeing a Christian, and that's

(37:26):
the Bible, and everything that'swrong for us to do as a
Christian that is, a sin islisted in that book, and if it's
not there, then I feel like Iagree here.
I feel like that if it's not inthere that it's a sin, that
it's something bad that youshouldn't be doing, then I don't
see why there is an issue withintroducing those types of

(37:50):
things into your relationshipsif that's what's going to help
you grow closer and, you know,create that stronger bond
between each other.
I will say this, though wetalked last week a lot about
pornography, and one thing thathappens with the pornography is
you will see a lot of theseextracurricular activities

(38:10):
taking place on those screens,and a lot of times it's in a
very forceful type manner or apossessive type manner, from the
guy to the girl.
It's like they're forcing themto do things because that's part
of the sensuality, of whatturns the guy on.
That's just that mindset thatthey're trying to set there.

(38:32):
So I think the thing that youjust have to be careful with,
especially with, like, the oralsex and those kinds of things,
is it does kind of lean towardsthe pornography side of things
to an extent.
So you have to be careful withthat.

Aria (38:48):
You definitely don't want to force it.

You don't want to make them do something that they
don't want to do.
You know you don't want to.
You know, do things like theydo it in the movies, where you
know grab their head and shoveit down or whatever it may be.
I think there's things that youhave to be careful of when
you're doing that, because thenit can get more over to the
other side of things, where youare being forceful in an area
where you shouldn't be.
It needs to be something that'scoming natural, absolutely,

(39:12):
that the other spouse isdefinitely okay with doing
because they want to please you,because they want to give you
your sexual fulfillment in thatmoment.
And you know, there's just somethings you just have to kind of
weigh the balances with thereand it's a testing.
There's a little field oftesting there that you guys you
know as married couples, you cankind of tread through those

(39:34):
lightly and just see how thingsyou know pan out and it may be
something that you all enjoy andit's just going to add that
much more spice to yourrelationship and it's going to
help you draw closer to God.
And, just again, just ask thosequestions you know that we
mentioned Is it safe?
Is it mutually agreed upon.
Does it harm your relationship?
Does it harm anyone else?
There's a lot of questions youcan ask yourself if those things

(39:56):
aren't specifically spoken ofin the Bible as a sin, and I
think that this is an area thata lot of people really cut
themselves short on, becausethey automatically start feeling
well, we can't do that becausethat's sinful.
Well, where's that scripture atthat says it's sinful?

Let me ask you this and this is not necessarily
.
I think this just came fromsomeone that had asked me one
time and I know the answer, butI'll just ask you this.
Someone had said we're nothaving sex before marriage, but
we have oral.
Is that wrong?

It's definitely wrong Because in all reality,
even oral is sex.
It's still a sexual activitythat you're taking place in the
nude body, biblically, is to besaved for marriage for that
person that you are to bemarried to, unless it's in other
situations such as gettingsurgeries and that kind of thing

(40:56):
.
Obviously that's a wholedifferent aspect.
But when it comes to building arelationship between a guy and
a girl, at our school we used tohave what we call the six-inch
rule, and if we had a boyfriendor a girlfriend I went to a
Christian school, by the way Iwas getting ready to say it.
It ain't no public school itwasn't a public school, we had a
six-inch rule.

(41:16):
So if we got anywhere withinsix inches of our boyfriend or
girlfriend holding hands orwrapping arms around or whatever
, we got in huge trouble forthat.
And that wasn't necessarily abiblical standard by the way,
there's nothing in the Bibleabout that but it was just
basically trying to keep us fromthe temptation and all the

(41:37):
kinds of things that go alongwith that.
And obviously we didn't followthat when we weren't at school.
But you know there's just acertain point that you can't
pass.
You know you can go so far withthe.
You know showing affectionbetween a boyfriend and a
girlfriend, but when it comes togetting handsy, touching body

(42:01):
parts, getting underneathclothing, that's things that a
lot of people do and they fallfor it.
Michelle and I were in that sameboat you know, when we were
dating we did those kinds ofthings, but it was not right.
That is a sinful thing to do Ifyou're going to completely keep
yourself for marriage.
Then you know we talked aboutthe hymen I think it was last
week about when it breaks.

(42:22):
That can actually be broken,you know, with fingers.
It doesn't necessarily have tobe the other kind of penetration
for that to happen.
And so you have to be carefulwith all that stuff, because
that's essentially that's sex.
It's just in a different form,a different way of doing it, and
so we just have to be carefulwith that and just bring it to
the word.

Yeah, which I knew the answer.
Just be biblical about it.

If somebody ever does ask someone out there as
the listener, Right you know,yeah, it seems strict and all
that kind of thing, and it kindof comes back to legalistic and
all the stuff that people liketo say about it, that the Bible
is just a bunch of rules.
But those are in place for areason.
That's right, and you know, forus to be sexually pure whenever

(43:06):
we are married.
That is a reflection of thepure relationship we have with
Christ and that's something thatwe need to keep in mind.
So, moving on here to numbersix, be romantic in your
spouse's love language all daylong.
Sex doesn't begin when you getin bed.
It begins when you wake up inthe morning and say hello to

(43:29):
each other.
As we stated in previousepisodes, sex is only one fourth
of the full intimacy formula.
For it to be fulfilling, wehave to pay attention to other
three areas as well, such asspiritual, mental and emotional.
As a husband loves his wife ina sacrificial and sensitive
manner through the day, it isforeplay to the max.
When he ignores his wife anddoesn't meet her needs, he will

(43:51):
pay for it in bed later.
His wife and doesn't meet herneeds, he will pay for it in bed
later.
Also, when a wife honors herhusband through the day and
meets his needs.
It prepares him for intimacywith her on every level,
including sex.
In the early episodes of thisseries, we described the
difference between husband andwife's needs in marriage and how
to be romantic in your spouse'slanguage.
It might be helpful to refer tothose episodes for a reminder

(44:15):
regarding this issue.
It is critically important insex and all other areas of
marriage to accept and celebratethe inherent difference that we
have, and with this one here,it is very true.
You probably do need toremember the differences between
guys and girls.
If you're mean to your spousethroughout the day, then you're

(44:36):
going to have a padlock lockedat night when you're wanting to
have the sexual intimacy parthappen sometimes.

I think it does play a little bit of a factor.

It's going to be an issue.

But I don't, I mean, I don't.
I'm not the type of person tohold things against you during
the day.

Yeah.

To bring something at the bed, you know.

Yeah, unless it's something that really makes you
angry.
I mean, I think there arethings that can make somebody
angry enough that In the past,yeah, Especially if you go to
bed angry, and we've talkedabout that as well.

In the past.

yes, and that's why it's so important not to go
to bed angry, because that candefinitely play over into and it
can also be a situation, justlike we've talked before, where
you try to have makeup sex.
You know, if you make somebody,make each other mad throughout
the day and then the guy or thewoman expects to just have sex
when you go to bed and make upfor it when the other person's

(45:30):
still mad, then that's not goingto work either and that's not
how that works.
So it's very important toremember, or to understand, your
spouse, and not all spouseshave the same love language,
although women have a lot of thesame basic needs, and so do
guys.
But in all reality, women arecreated different between each
other and guys are createddifferent between each other.

(45:51):
And that's where thiscommunication comes into play
and knowing your spouse insideand out and understanding how to
meet those needs and take careof that.
So that's I think we'll leavethat one there, the seventh one
to wrap up these seven stepshere.
Let's go ahead, and you goahead and share that one.

OK.
Number seven is never give up.
If you have some physical oremotional issues that are
keeping you from opening up toyour spouse sexually, you need
to take it seriously and gethelp.
When you have a problem, youboth have a problem.
If you don't take it seriouslyand get the help you need, you
will sexually strand your spouseand it can do great damage to

(46:35):
your marriage.
You might be dealing with sexualguilt or it might be previous
abuse, an abortion, an affair orsomething else.
Maybe you are dealing witherectile dysfunction or vaginal
dryness.
You may be dealing with angerand unresolved conflicts with
your spouse.
But deal with it.
Don't let any problem derailyour marriage or your sexuality.

(47:00):
It is too important and toosacred in your marriage.
Go to your pastor or aChristian professional, go to a
doctor if necessary, but letyour spouse know that you won't
stop fighting for your marriage.
Let them know that you arecommitted to meeting their
sexual needs and will overcomeany obstacle that may come in

(47:23):
your way.
Sex is a beautiful gift fromGod.
It is designed solely for themarriage relationship, as the
covenant seal and sign If wewill honor God's plan and

(47:44):
reserve.

So with this one here, I think a lot of people
may have a lot of have probablyexperienced this where if they
had some obstacles or roadblockscome up that it made them just
want to give up on it and noteven try, and that's a very
dangerous place to be, becausethat's unfortunately a lot of

(48:07):
times that's a recipe to headyou straight to divorce if both
of you aren't on the same pagewith all of that.
And, as it's mentioned in here,you know some of these things
are inflicted on people, likeprevious abuse.
That's a big one.
There's a lot of people thatare abused as teenagers and when

(48:29):
they finally get to the pointwhere they're able to get
married, as soon as they starthaving sexual relations with
their spouse, it starts bringingback just in floods all of
their childhood and all thestuff that was done to them and
that makes it very difficult forthem to be intimate and to open
themselves up and allow theirspouse to be a part of them,
like it's supposed to be done.

(48:50):
How do you navigate that?
You know, I mean, I fortunatelydid not go through that.
I didn't either you didn'teither, and so we didn't have
that issue, and you know I'mthankful for that because that's
not something that I reallymyself ever wanted to have to
navigate, but I do know peoplethat's been through it.

Aria (49:09):
Yeah.

And but that's not a reason to give up.
You know that's not a reason tojust say OK, we made a mistake,
let's cut the ties and move on.
That's something you need towork through.
You know abortions those canhave a huge effect on marriages
before and after, especiallywith the women of times.
If you look at statistics andI've done a couple of episodes

(49:34):
last year I think it was aroundAugust of last year, july August
about abortion and statisticsshow that women, when they
actually get the abortion, someof them are okay with it and
they think they're doing theright thing or whatever.
But after they do that, lateron, statistics are very high
that they have a huge regret andit really messes with their

(49:57):
psychological mindset and theystart going into depressions and
all that kind of thing and thatcan create an issue in sexual
intimacy.
You know affairs.
You know.
Look at what happened with uswith the situations that both of
us brought into our marriages.
It would have been real easyfor us to just give up.

Oh yeah.

It would have been easy for us to not go back and
try to fix any of that, but wechose to do it and with God's
help, we were able to restorethat.
And you have medical conditions.
There are some surgeries thatwomen have that you know.
It talks here about erectiledysfunction or vaginal dryness.

(50:39):
You know there's things thatcan happen within our bodies
medically that can cause issuesand create problems.
And you know you might have hada really active sex life up to
a certain point and then all ofa sudden something medically
happens that stops that.
Yeah, and over time all of asudden you're having problems.

(51:01):
You know the other spouse justdoesn't understand and they
don't grasp the whole fullnessof what's just happened and they
start playing the blame game.
You know it's just an excuse.
You don't really have thisproblem.
You know what's just an excuse.
You don't really have thisproblem.
You know what's the problem.
You know and it can reallycreate issues and again, I think
we've said this time and timeagain through this whole series,

(51:22):
I think communication.
I was going to say communicationis the key, it's a huge key in
that, because you and I havewalked that and, like I said a
couple of times, several timeshere we've talked about, we're
going to be doing an episodepretty soon because we walk
through that exact thing and itcan be traumatic to

(51:46):
relationships if you're notcareful.
But, as we was talking here,you know, don't let any problem
derail your marriage or yoursexuality.
God brought you together.
You've gotten married.
You're walking that path thathe set before you.
You're keeping God in themiddle.
He wants to bless that marriage.
He wants to make sure that itends to the fullness that it
could ever be In all reality.

(52:09):
One way that guys can look atthis when we get married, we are
actually preparing our spousesfor that marriage in heaven
someday.
You know, our life doesn't justend here.
Once we walk this walk and weend up crossing through those
gates someday into heaven,everything that we've done on

(52:33):
earth down here is practice.
We are practicing for themarriage supper of the Lamb when
we walk through those gates andwe become a part of the
heavenly kingdom with Godthroughout eternity, and so that
should be all the more reasonwhy we should really work on our
marriages while we're here onearth and make them the best
that they can be, because thatis the reflection of that

(52:56):
marriage relationship that wehave with Christ, and that's
what we're doing here.
We're practicing for that day.
So everything that we do,whether if it's emotionally,
spiritually, sexually, any ofthose different areas within our
bodies that we have theintimacy take place we need to

(53:16):
dedicate all of that to God andallow Him to work through that
within us so that we can havethe fullness of what he expects
us to have in our relationshipsas we're here on this earth,
knowing that someday, when weget to heaven, if we've done it
all right, we have rewardswaiting for us and, at the same
time, we've had the bestpossible marriage and life on
this earth.
That we could ever ask for, andI think that that's probably one

(53:39):
of the best ways that we canend this series on the four laws
of love.
So is there anything that youwant to add to this?

I just want to tell everybody thanks for
walking this series with us.
You know the four laws of loveand I hope you learn something.
I know that Dan and I have.
We've grown more together.
We hope that, if you'relistening as a couple, that
you've grown together and you'vetaken something from it, and

(54:08):
I'm super excited that God has,you know, worked everything out
for us, Yep, and continue goingbefore us, yep.

So don't forget that you can reach out to us.
Yes, we do have all theinformation in our show notes
here on the episodes.
You can email atdanielconnectingthegapnet.
There's a little shout out linkthat you can click and it'll
send us a text and we'll respondto that on a future episode, as
we can't text you back.
But if you have questions, justwant to give us some
encouragement, give us someexamples from your marriages

(54:53):
where God's just intervened in amiraculous way.
We love to hear that stuff.
We'd love to share it with ourother listeners to encourage
them, because a lot of timeswhen you're walking through
these dark, dark moments withyour spouses, it feels like
you're by yourself.
You're really not.
There's a lot of people goingthrough issues, a lot of people
going through problems.
The statistics today are soextremely high for divorce.

(55:16):
It's unbelievable.

It's been amazing, since we've been
starting this podcast, of howmany people that we've talked to
that have walked some kind ofpath.
That I wouldn't say some kindof path, but it's been amazing,
since we started this podcast,that we've talked to other

(55:41):
couples that have walkedsomething similar like us.

Or even worse.

Yes, it has been amazing to.
I mean, I would have liked toknow that when we were walking
through things, just because itmade me feel like I was all
alone and that I literally was.
I mean, obviously I did somethings that I wasn't supposed to
, but even afterwards, I meanthe guilt and the shame, and you

(56:10):
know we didn't talk about it.

Yeah.

You never talked about it.

Yeah.

And you know we didn't talk about it, you never
talked about it.
And now that this podcast hascome out and we've been talking
about the you know, the fourlaws of love and everything,
it's been amazing to sit downwith other couples and just to
listen and they have someoneelse that's walked through it,

(56:36):
you know, to know, hey, there ishope.
You know, it just blows my mindhow God has used this even to
open my eyes to other people andit's like because before I was
like I'm not talking about thisbecause everybody's going to
know and they're going to judgeme Well, what you don't know.
Other people have walked theirown stories as well.

Yeah, it's not taboo.

No.

It's not something that we should shove under the
rug, and not approach.

Marriage is so tough.

There's help out there.

Yeah.

But you've got to speak up if you're going to get
that help and whether that comesfrom just a very close friend.
That's very biblically grounded.
No-transcript.

I do want to give one shout out to a person
that has been with me throughthick and thin besides you.
But, Paula, I just want you toknow that I love you.
You have been with me eversince all my kids have been born
.
Like you, have walked seasonsof life with me.

(57:53):
You have always encouraged me,you have always kept me
accountable when I stepped outof line and you've poured into
me and I just want to thank youfor that, because God put you in
my life for all these yearsthat I needed someone that I
could talk to, and she knows meinside and out.

(58:15):
She knows everything.
We've walked through myprevious marriage.
I mean she has truly been agodsend for me and I just want
to say that I love you and Ithank you for that.

Everybody needs that friend.

Aria (58:28):
Yeah.

That's for sure.
It's a God thing when peoplelike that are put into your path
and I'm thankful for her aswell and everything that she's
helped you through and they'vebeen her and her husband both.
They've been really goodfriends to us for a very long
time.

And you need that friend, that will put you
in your place when you step out.

For sure.
Well, I guess with that we'llcall this a wrap, and next week
I will be starting a mini serieson rejection, and then we have
some more marriage stuff coming.
So we've got some interviewslined up and then Michelle and I
have some things that we'regoing to do as well.
So be watching for all of those.

(59:10):
We may have a couple ofepisodes next week It'll just
depend on how things land.
But we'll be pumping out somemore stuff here and hopefully
you guys will enjoy all of that.
So please subscribe, because ifyou don't, you're going to miss
it all, and you don't want tomiss these good episodes that
are coming your way here onMarriage Life More and
Connecting the Gap.
So that's going to end thisweek's episode.

(59:32):
I'm Daniel Moore, my wifeMichelle.
She's sitting here with you forthis extended series on the
four laws of love.
Thank you guys for listening.
This show really wouldn't bepossible without you.
If you're a fan of the show,please leave a review on Apple
Podcasts, or if you'd like tohelp us out, just take a few
seconds to give us a five-starclick and please subscribe to us
on your favorite platform.
The links are in the show notes.

(59:53):
Well, that's all for this weekand we pray that your marriage
is stronger and your walk withGod is closer after this episode
.
This is an extension ofConnecting the Gap Ministries
and we pray that you guys have ablessed week.

Aria (01:00:07):
You've been listening to Connecting the Gap Podcast.
In this world, there are manydisconnects that cause chaos in
our lives.
This podcast is birthed fromthe desire to share hope and
restoration of the power of thegospel by being transparent and
open in our biblical walk withGod.
Each week, we take a fewmoments as we navigate God's
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7 Steps to Sexual Intimacy in Marriage - 224

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}7 Steps to Sexual Intimacy in Marriage - 224