Conflict Can Be Good in a Marriage Pt 1 (Marriage Reset Series) - 279 - Marriage Life and More

Episode Transcript
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Daniel Moore (00:05):
Every great love story seems to start with a
little chaos.
And, for Leo and Julia, itinvolved a ghost story, a raft
full of terrified middle schoolboys, and one legendary prank
that still makes the campcounselors laugh and possibly a
few campers twitch to this day.
What began as a splash ofmischief on a Colorado River

(00:26):
turned into the start ofsomething deeper.
Proof that laughter really canbe the spark that lights a
lifelong connection.
Today on Marriage Life andMore, we're diving into why
stories like theirs captivate usand why even the best love
stories, both on-screen and reallife, need a little bit of
conflict to keep things real.

(00:47):
Because let's be honest, nobodywants to watch a romantic
comedy where the couples justagree on everything and pay
their bills on time.
In marriage, just like in themovies, it's often the tension,
the growth, and the what wereyou thinking moments that make
the relationship stronger.
So grab your coffee or yourlife jacket, and we're gonna

(01:08):
talk about how facing conflicthead on can actually bring you
closer than ever.
Welcome to Marriage Life andMore.
This is a podcast aboutmarriage, Bible, and book
studies, we interview peoplethat have inspiring stories.
I'm Daniel Moore, your host,and sticking over next to me is

(01:31):
my beautiful co-host once again,my wife Michelle.
Hey, hey! Thank you guys forjoining us this week.
If you're not familiar with ourshow, check out our website at
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at CTGAPOnline.

(01:52):
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Feel free to leave a comment onour platforms and give us a
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And we appreciate it that youwould do that for us.
Also, our new book is outMarriage is a Mission, Living
Out God's Design for Marriage.
You can pick up your copy ofthe paperback, the hardback, and
the Kindle version atAmazon.com.

(02:14):
And we also have a six sessionstudy guide that you can
purchase exclusively on Amazonas well.
And then if you are an ebookreader, we also have them on
Apple Books and Google Play.
So there's plenty of places youcan pick that up and go pick up
your copy today.
Well, as we mentioned here inthe intro, this week we are

(02:34):
going to be moving intosomething that sounds kind of
controversial, really, as wecontinue our series on marriage
reset, Remates the Soulmates inyour marriage.
This week we're going to bestarting off episode nine, and
we're going to be talking abouthow conflict can be good in your
marriage.
According to Johan Wolfgang vonGoth, it is sometimes essential

(03:04):
for a husband and a wife toquarrel.
They get to know each otherbetter.

Michelle Moore (03:10):
I'm glad you said that.

At a rustic mountain retreat in Colorado, a
group of college students spenteach summer working as
counselors at a youth adventurecamp.
Among them were Leo and Julia,both energetic, fun-loving, and
easygoing individuals who hadformed a close friendship over
the years.
Though not romanticallyinvolved at the time, they
developed a playful bond markedby mischief and laughter.

(03:36):
One warm evening during theirbreak, Leo and Julia decided to
swim in the river that twistedalong the edge of the camp
property.
As they floated near the bank,they noticed a gathering of
middle school boys perched on arickety wooden raft, their feet
dangling in the water.
Julia grinned knowingly, shecould tell what was happening.
The boys were hearing the taleof the river widow.

(03:59):
The river widow is a camplegend, passed down from
generation to generation.
The story went that she wasonce a heartbroken woman who had
lost her husband to the violentcurrent during a storm.
Ever since, she supposedlyhaunted the river banks,
dragging unsuspecting swimmersbeneath the surface to join her
in her watery grief.

(04:19):
It was, of course, a cautionarytale, meant to keep campers
from swimming alone or afterdark, but to the younger kids,
it was terrifyingly real.
Julia and Leo exchanged aglance.
The opportunity was too good topass up.
They silently slinked along theshore, slipping behind a clump
of reeds until they could paddleunnoticed beneath the raft.

(04:41):
They barely contained theirstifled chuckles as they
positioned themselves just belowthe boys.
As the older counselor reachedthe climax of the story, his
voice rising with the tension,he bellowed the words and then
she rose from the depths, theriver widow.
Well, that was Julia's cue.
She shot out of the water withperfect timing, hair plastered

(05:04):
to her face and hands reachingtoward the boys, letting out a
blood curdling scream thatechoed through the valley.
What followed could only bedescribed as comic pandemonium.
High pitched shrieks filled theair, boys tripped over one
another, scrambling off the raftand flailing wildly in all
directions.
One even lost a shoe in thewater.

(05:25):
Leo emerged seconds laterlaughing so hard he could barely
swim.
The prank became instant camplegend, especially among the
staff who praised Julia's Oscarworthy performance.
Leo was completely captivatedby her sense of humor and
fearless creativity.
Though it would take a littlemore time for their friendship

(05:45):
to bloom into romance, thatmoment marked the beginning of
something more.
For Leo, it was the first timehe considered that Julia might
be more than just his prankpartner.
She was smart, playful, daring,and unforgettable.
To this day, they laugh aboutthe infamous River Widow scare,
and now every time someonementions courage or cleverness,

(06:07):
Leo just shakes his head andsmiles and says, You've never
met Julia.
You know, people can't seem toget enough of a heartfelt love
story.
And it turns out they're ingood company.
The romance fiction industrybrings in over a billion dollars
a year, and since the late 70s,romantic comedies have raked in

(06:28):
more than twelve billion at thebox office.
Clearly, there's somethingmagnetic about love centered
entertainment, but what exactlydraws us in?
Well, surprisingly, the secretingredient behind most beloved
romantic plots isn't just theaffection, it's conflict.
That's right.
The tension, themisunderstandings, and obstacles

(06:50):
that make us wonder whether thetwo leads will even be together
are what truly keep us hooked.
Watching engaging charactersnavigate their differences, face
emotional challenges, andeventually come together is what
leaves audiences satisfied withtheir signature feel-good
ending.
Whether it's on screen or inthe pages of a book, this

(07:10):
dynamic creates memorablestories, and the same idea
applies to real life lovestories also.
Conflict, when handled well, isoften what makes the
relationship stronger.
And as we start this week, italways has to remind me, and it
is it is this time of the yearwhen we think about Hallmark

(07:31):
movies.

Oh my gosh.

And the at Christmas.
You know, we've had Christmasin July, and now it's time to
have the Hallmark Christmasmovies.
And it as all of those thatI've ever watched, uh the the
plot that they all have isthere's conflict.
There's always something goingon that and I think that they've
hit on something here because Ithink that whenever you do

(07:54):
watch those movies and you'retrying to to think, well, are
they going to end up together atthe end, or is she going to
pick him or pick this other guyor this guy that just moved into
town?
It really does, you know, makefor a suspenseful moment.

You are just As I sit over here staring at him
because I know where he's goingwith it.
And it's like, don't even pickone of the homework movies.
It's not even not even right,you know.

Well, I know you don't watch it as much as you
used to.

No, I've only watched one this year.
Thank you very much.
I don't have time.

But it is kind of funny though, because as you as
we was reading here a little bitthrough this story and and
there, especially in that lastsection there about how we look
at stories in general in life,you know, a lot of times it is
true when you watch TV or youwatch movies, you know, there
it's very rare that you do watcha show that doesn't have

(08:51):
conflict in it.
And I think that does add tothe whole storyline.

Yeah.

Because if you have the conflict show up, you
know, it's it starts out like apicture perfect thing, then all
of a sudden the conflict comesin, and then you're just drawn
into it after that becauseyou're like, okay, are they
going to fix this or how arethey going to fix this?
You know, and then so you'rewaiting to get to the end of it
to see how it turns out.
Yeah.
And if you really, especiallyif it's a series, you know, you

(09:16):
might be uh you might have yourfavorites of the characters or
whatever that that are in thoseseries.
And so you never want them tohave the raw end or, you know,
to get the bad end of the deal.
So you're always hoping that itworks out for them.
And I think it is interestingwhen you think about that, about
how our mind works, you know,about how that intrigues us so

(09:37):
much sometimes.
Cause really a lot of timeswhen we think about conflict,
it's not really a somethingthat's good.
It's not something we thinkthat we want to go through.
Because a lot of us don't likeconflict.
No, you know, we don't like tohave those, especially with our
spouses.
Yeah.
You know, we want everything tobe okay all the time.
You know, I don't wake up inthe morning just looking for the

(09:58):
first thing I can do to startconflict with you.
And you don't do that to me,thank goodness.
Because that would make it verydifficult to to live together,
you know, if that went on allthe time.
But at the same time, I know,you know, there's a lot of times
when we look at conflict, evenbetween you and I, uh, is there
a lot of times when we've beenthrough conflict where you've

(10:18):
grown?
Oh, absolutely.
Where you think, you know, it'sbeen a positive thing.

I do.
I mean, I think sometimes, youknow, your spouse can call you
out on something and you whetheryou acknowledge it at that
moment or not, but you know, ifyou go back and forth a little
bit, you can actually open yourheart and ask God, like, is that
truly me?
Is that how I'm being?

Yeah.

You know?
And um, whether it may besomething that you've done or,
you know, sometimes they hadtheir best your best interests
within the conflict.

Yeah.
And I'm glad you said it thatway because when we do think
about conflict and marriages,sometimes we do look at it in a
very negative manner.
And the fact that we're justduping it out, having to fight
between each other.

Well, we know who would win if we duped it
out.

But I like how you said that it actually causes
you sometimes to search your ownheart.
Yeah.
And I can say, I can vouch forthat myself as well, because I
might, I might be at the moment,you know, just being a very
difficult individual to livewith and you know, being very
negative and whatever, but I maynot see that.

I can say that and early on in our marriage, I
didn't look at it that way.
Yeah.
I mean, I think as we've gotbeen married for a longer time,
and you know, not only that, butmy heart is healthy with the
Lord.
And so now I look at it aslike, oh, is this his way of
kind of telling me that I'm outof line?
Or, you know, it's like, okay,God, you know, is he is he

(11:48):
bringing something to myattention?
Yeah, you know, that reallyneeds to be addressed.

Yeah.
And so I think this should beeverybody's goal because we
always didn't, like you said, wealways didn't look at it that
way where we took our correctionmoments as no, that's gonna
punch you.
I need to think about what I'mdoing here.
See, you beat me to it thisweek.

I did.

But when your relationships can get to the
point where you can actuallytake the conflict and use that
as a moment to search your ownheart and okay, God, is this
something I'm needing to fix?
You know, is this somethingthat's going on within me?
Uh let me take a step back fora moment and think about this.
So as we can tell here, as weget started with this, uh, we do

(12:32):
know that conflict's not alwaysa dirty word.
You know, conflict can be goodin some situations.
So go ahead and and share withus a little bit about how that
can happen.

Yeah.
Struggles in struggles in anylong-term relationship are bound
to happen.
Friction is simply a normalpart of life shared closely with
one another person.
Expecting two individualsuniquely wired by design to
always see eye to eye isunrealistic.
So true.

(13:01):
Disagreements, debates,misunderstandings, and yes, even
full-blown arguments are goingto happen.
While this may seem negative atfirst glance, conflict can
actually become a meaningfulpart of a couple's journey.
Still, many people go to greatlengths to dodge tension,

(13:22):
believing that conflict is asignal that something is broken
in the relationship.
For others, confrontation isstressful.
It stirs up discomfort orbrings back memories of past
hurt, whether in childhood orprevious re relationships.
So rather than deal with it,they sweep problems under the
rug.
And I'm gonna stop right therefor a second because you know,

(13:45):
when we were talking about ourtestimony from episode who knows
when.

199.

199, episode 199.
Okay.
So I can remember you talkingabout confrontation, how you
didn't like it.

Right.

And, you know, it it's easy to not want to
acknowledge it.

Yeah.

And just push it under the rug and move on.

Yeah.

And that's exactly how you felt.
And me, on the other hand,confrontation to me was just
like, let's get this talkedabout, let's get this over with,
put it behind us.
But because you didn't haveconfrontation, we just kind of I
I wish we would have had this,because knowing that conflict
can be good, if you look at itnow versus back then, it would

(14:31):
have been healthy for us.

Yeah, and I think the key there that is the one
thing that you shared was howmany people go to great lengths
to dodge that tension orconflict because I was trying
not to say that because that'swhat I was referring to here.
Something is broken in therelationship.
Yep.
And in all reality, anytimeyou're gonna have a conflict
moment, uh-huh, there issomething broken or you wouldn't

(14:55):
have the conflict.
Right.
So that's why when we choose,some of us that have that
personality that choose to pushit under the rug and try to
ignore it and act like it didn'thappen and just keep moving on
with life, that's a verydangerous thing because in all
reality, when you come back toit, whether if it was you that
had the issue or whether if itwas me that had the issue, or if

(15:18):
both of us had it together,something broke.

Yeah.

Something caused a flare-up for a moment there
that caused some some conflictbetween the two of us.
And it the dumbest thing we cando is just ignore it and move
on and not try to fix it.

Yeah.

Because what ends up happening with that,
typically in my life, it happensthis way.
If the more that I and I'velearned this over time, the more
that I keep pushing stuff underthe rug, it continues to build.

Yeah.

And then what started out as a very small
little problem can eventuallybecome a big, huge mountain.

Right.

And then try to dig through all of that.
I mean, you have so much moreto work through at that point.

Fortunately, buried conflicts don't stay
buried.
Like as you said, they simmerbeneath the surface and
eventually lead to bigger issuesthat are more damaging and much
harder to manage.
Over time, this kind ofavoidance builds resentment,
creates emotional distance, andcan crumble the foundation of

(16:15):
love and unity.
The Apostle Paul warned of thisdynamic when he said, if you
bite and devour each other,watch out, or you will be
destroyed by each other.
And you can read that inGalatians 5 15.
Real peace doesn't come fromavoiding problems.
Let me read this again.

(16:35):
Real peace doesn't come fromavoiding problems, it comes from
facing them head on withkindness, and I'm gonna
underline kindness and acommitment, and underline
commitment to work through themtogether.
With kindness and a commitmentto work through them together.

(16:57):
Relationship researchers ScottStanley and Howard Markman have
spent decades studying this andfound that learning to handle
conflict in a healthy way is acrucial factor in keeping love
alive and maintaining long-termcommitment.
According to their findings, ifcouples were equipped to

(17:20):
navigate their disagreementswell, the divorce rate could
drop over by half.
Could you imagine that?
Wow.
That is crazy.
There's that's a powerfultestament to the value of
addressing challenges directly.

And I think before we go any further, when you
look into that just a little bitdeeper and you really kind of
think this through with whatthey were coming, the conclusion
they were coming up with therewas you we know that if you end
up in a divorce and divorceshappen, um, those actually
happen because there wasconflict.

Right.

So I can see why those statistics would
completely flip to a point whereif you uh actually was able to
in a healthy way work throughthe conflict and meet it head
on, like you were saying, andnot you know, divert yourself
around it and let this become aa huge mountain that does
typically what happens is thatmountain gets bigger, is the

(18:19):
conflict issues also change.
And a lot of times when thevery first conflict happens,
it's kind of a more a smallminor issue, probably.
Uh for the most it can be a bigissue.
I'm not saying it can't beright off the bat that some big
thing can happen because it can.

Right.

But typically it always starts with something
small, and then if you don'ttake care of that, then as the
problems escalate and thatmountain keeps getting bigger
and bigger, those issues all ofa sudden become more and more
ingrained into the issue of theproblem you're having in your
marriage.
And what started out as alittle small issue that probably
could have been resolved in a15 or 20 minute conversation, it

(19:01):
can come into something nowthat's going to take years to
fix because so much damage hasbeen done.
Uh, there's been so muchignoring on the spouse's parts
of ignoring each other, uh, youknow, pushing each other to the
side, not listening, not beingheard, all that other stuff
starts coming into play.
And now you're actuallydamaging the actual relationship

(19:21):
between the two of you.

Yeah.

Rather than just having that one little small
minute thing that happened atthe very beginning of the whole
ordeal.
And that's one thing that I'velearned, even within my own
self, because I used to bereally bad about just pushing
things under the rug and justkeep moving on and just try to
move past and act like it didn'thappen and not confront, have
any confrontation with any ofthat.
But over time I found outalmost every time I've tried to

(19:45):
do that, the problem became sobig that it was a humongous
blow-up when it all finally cameto a head, and then it took
much longer to work through it.
And our we hurt each othermore.

Yeah.

And through that whole process, and we had to fix
more stuff between the two ofus to get back to a healthy spot
where we needed to be.
And we probably could have beenin a healthy spot within 20
minutes if we would have takencarriage at the very beginning
when I first had the issue.

And you know, when you have conflict, what
generally happens?
You're trying to prove yourpoint.

Yeah.
Yeah, we get defensive andwe're wanting to be right.

Yeah.
And so when it says kindnessand commitment to work them
together, I think that's reallythe key is you know, he says,
she says, you know.

Yeah.

It's you work together, you know, and the
conflict, whether I feel likenow we've also gotten to the
point too, is is it really worthit?
Right.
You know, back then it was likeeverything was worth a
conflict.
You know, it was like, I amgoing to prove my point.
Not at a in a mean way, butit's like, I think I'm right.

(20:52):
You know, now it's like, is itreally worth it?
No.
And we we know each other sowell, it's like, yeah, whatever.
You know, and you just pickyour battles.
Yeah, you just move on.
But I really like where in itsaid the kindness and
commitment, because I reallythink if you would address it
then, um, and sometimes you knowyou have to give it some time

(21:12):
and then come back to it.
But the thing is, don't let itbuild and build and build.
Because, like you said, itbecomes a huger problem if both
of you get hurt.
So, romantic movies and novelsthrive on conflict.

(21:36):
It's what gives the storytension and excitement.
However, in real life, mostpeople would rather skip that
part.
Still, it's vital to understandthat working through our
conflict leads to growth.
Tough arguments may feelchaotic and uncomfortable in the
moment.
They ought they're often thepathway to deeper empathy,

(21:59):
stronger trust, and a closerbond.
Many couples miss out on thatbecause the discomfort masks the
opportunity for growth.
But when conflict is handledwith care, it often brings
couples closer than they werebefore.
Here are a few of the benefitswe can discover when we face our
conflicts.
Dan, do you want to read those?

Yes.
So, as and as we started thisepisode, uh, we did talk about
how the conflicts we've been inhas helped help us grow and get
closer together and have astronger bond.
And so I know it's hardprobably, especially if you guys
are listening today and you'reat a point in your marriage
where you guys are conflicting alot.

(22:41):
You're having a lot ofconflicts going on, uh, maybe
daily, maybe it's every otherday, or maybe you're having two
or three blow ups a week, uh,and you you're thinking about
this, and you're thinking, well,how's this can't be right?
How can this be a positivething?
Uh so just hear us out.
As we finish up this episode, Ithink I'm hoping that God will
just open your your heart andyour eyes to see um how you can

(23:04):
work through those conflicts andactually become a stronger
individual and a stronger spousein your relationship.
So, a few benefits that we candiscover when we face our
conflicts.
Number one is you can havegreater insight into your own
personal issues.
You actually hit that wall ago.
Because just like you said, atthis point now, if we have a

(23:25):
conflicting moment between thetwo of us, a lot of times your
first one of your first go-tosis you will sit there and think,
okay, I need to look at myselfand see is there something here?
You know, God show me.
And I think that's really goodfor any spouse to keep in mind
because we should automatically,and this is a common
denominator as well, uh, whenyou're looking at the reactive

(23:47):
cycle, when you have yourbuttons being pushed by your
spouse and you're reacting toall of that, you know, that
circle can go and go and gobecause we have multiple buttons
and we have multiple reactionsand we can both feed off of each
other until one of us decidesto stop it.

Yeah.

And when you stop that, um the first thing that
you have to do when you do stopit is they you do back up.
You take a moment, you take abreather away from all of it,
and you start inquiring of theLord.
What is wrong here?
Is this something with me?
Is it something with my spouse?
God, please show me in myheart.

(24:22):
If there's something I need tocorrect, I'm willing to do it.
If it's something with them andthey need to correct it, give
me the words to speak, give methe way to approach that, or
God, you know, through the HolySpirit work through with them to
open their heart in thismoment.
Well, I think we can both cometo a resolution.

When you take the the conflict off of you and
your spouse, and you're bringingit to God, you're letting God
work through you, and it's not aoh, he's wrong, she's wrong.
Right.
Or it's it's not he or she, itbecomes okay, God.

Yep.

That's where I'm removed from it.

Can we work through that?

That's right.
The conflict is yes.

Satan wants us to fight each other.
Yeah.
So Satan automatically wants usto start pointing fingers and
play the blame game.
Yeah.
That's what he wants us to do.
But we're all children of God.
We're as spouses, we're noteach other's enemy.

That's right.

We're our best friends.

That's right.
So good.

So you don't fight each other because we're not
supposed to be fighting eachother.
We're not enemies.
We're God put us together as afunctioning family to thrive and
to grow, grow, you know, growcloser to Him within our
relationship so that that lovefor Christ flows into other
couples.
We're supposed to be mentors toother people around us.

Okay.

And the moment that Satan can come in and break
that, and he can make it becomeall of a sudden these fights
become about you, or it becomesabout me, and the other spouse
is going to sit there and pointfingers and criticize and you
know put the blame game orwhatever.
That's exactly Satan's heyday.
He loves it when that happensbecause that creates this issue

(25:58):
between the spouses that's makeher break at that point.

That brings that pride in.

It does that, yes, pride.

Selfish pride.

Very, very good.
That's a very big thing thatinvolved gets involved there at
that point.
Another benefit is we can havebetter appreciation of the
differences between the two ofus.

Yeah, that's good.

I don't know a spouse anywhere that the husband
and wife are both identical.
Everybody has differences intheir personalities, the way
that they operate.
And God did this on purpose.
God's a very creative God.
And typically you'll seespouses that are like on total
opposites of the spectrum.
You would you wonder how in theworld they get along because

(26:38):
they're so different.
But that's where God likes towork.

Yeah.

You know, as Christian couples, uh, those
things that you do that I don'tdo, and the things that I do
that you don't do, God canhighlight those between the two
of us, and we could actuallybring those things together and
feed off of them to turn thatinto the best marriage we could
ever have, because then you'reyou're not, you're never going
to be bored because you're goingto have so many things that you

(27:03):
can offer to the table.
And I have different things tooffer to the table.
And if we approach this in agodly way, in a godly manner,
God can use that to make us helpus have the best marriage that
we could ever ask for.

And I think it's very important though, too,
that we, you know, as we'rehaving these conflicts, you
know, and handle them in a uhwhatever we want to say.
In a godly way.
The appreciation that keepscoming back to me as in like,
you know, I can look at you aswe're having this conflict
sometimes.

(27:34):
And now it's like, I knew hewas gonna say that.
And it's like, I and I'm notsaying I know how he's gonna
react to everything.
That's not it, but becausewe're different, my appreciation
to you is looking it throughyour eyes.
Right.
Like, okay, God, I appreciatethe fact that my husband is

(27:56):
going to react in this way.

Yeah.

And because you're a godly man.
Now, are we always perfect?
Absolutely not.

Yeah.

But I'm very appreciative that I can usually
be like, okay, this is how he'sgonna handle it, and I wait.
I'm like, okay, this is howit's gonna go down.
And you know, but you know,we've almost been married for 25
years, so it there's adifference.
And I wouldn't have beenappreciative back when we were
first married.
I can tell you that right now.
Anything you said, I definitelywas not appreciative.

(28:29):
I wanted to prove my point, andthat's all that mattered.
Yeah, so I'm thankful for you,Dan.
Even though we're different, Iknow how not all the time, but
sometimes when I know we'regetting ready to have a
conflict, and generally it'sabout our children.

Yeah.

Or finances.
That's our two big ones.
It it is honestly, I can seehow God has used you to change
me.
And so I appreciate that somuch.

And it goes both ways because I'm not the same
person I was either 25 yearsold.

No, you're not.

I'm a completely different person.
Matter of fact, we was talkinglast night.
Uh, there's times that, youknow, especially when guys get
together and they start talking,uh, they want to do the tough
talk, you know.
And if the marriage, the thespouses come up, or even back in
the day when it was boyfriend,girlfriend, you know, the the
common thing that would be saida lot was, you know, you do

(29:21):
certain things, you lose yourman card.
You know, it's like, but atthis point in life, you know,
they can it can be called whatyou want it to be called.

I I don't ever remember it being called man
card.
So every time you say that, I'dlike to be like, that was guy
talk.

That wasn't something that was yeah.

Okay.

That was between the guys.
Okay, gotcha.
It's an in in an internal joke.
Okay, basically.
But in all reality, you know,sometimes those things that we
looked at as quote unquotelosing the man card, those are
the things that mean a lot tothe wife.
And that is a very importantthing that the man needs to
nourish in his wife because thatbuilds up the character of who

(29:59):
she's.
She actually is.
And usually a lot of that comesover to the emotional and the
intimate side of therelationship.
And no matter how you look atit, you can't leave that part
out of a relationship.
That's got to be an essentialpart of your marriage.
Yeah.
You've got to have theemotional connection and that
intimate connection.
We've been talking about thisfor weeks.
You cannot go without thatbecause that's a central core

(30:23):
part of who we are within ourmarriage.
And so good.
That brings it up to the nextone.
Here is the chance to empathizewith your spouse.
And empathy, for those peoplethat don't know what that means,
because there's some peoplethat think empathy is a dirty
word and it's not.
What it means is being able toput yourself in somebody else's
shoes.
And there's a lot of timeswithin conflict and spouses

(30:46):
between the guy and the woman,it's real hard for the guy to
put himself in his wife's shoesbecause he doesn't understand
where she's coming from.

Yeah.

Because women look at things a lot differently
than guys do.

They absolutely do.

Sometimes the wives can't put themselves in
their husbands' shoes becausethey don't understand where
their husband's coming from onit.
That's something that actuallyover time, I think you do get
better at under because like youand I, you just mentioned, you
know, at almost 25 years intothis, I do have a greater
understanding of how to putmyself in your shoes because I
know what's important to you.

(31:19):
I know what's special to you.
And so I try my hardest to makesure that if we do have these
moments where we have someconflicting issues or something
may come up, I don't want thatwhole issue to be just about me
and trying to solve my, youknow, my hunger and desire
within me to be right, just likewe were just talking about.

Yeah.

I've got to look beyond that.
I've got to come to the pointand understand, well, in this
conflict, why are we having thisconflict?
What is what's the issue fromyour side of it that's causing
such an issue?
You know, why are you so upsetwith what's going on right now?
And maybe throughout trying tounderstand where you're coming
from on that, that might changemy view of how I'm looking at

(31:59):
things.
So there's different ways thatyou can work around these things
to try to get to a resolution.

Yeah.

And and it's not going to be the same for every
couple.
Every couple's going to have adifferent way that they're going
to work through conflict, uh,work through their issues
because of the differentpersonalities and the different
things that are at play therewithin that relationship.
But the the core thing that weall have to do, though, is we
have to get to a point where wecan actually empathize with each

(32:26):
other and put ourselves in eachother's shoes from time to time
to understand completely, okay,what is really going on here.

That's good.

You know, how do we fix this?
So the next one is theopportunity to break old
andeffective patterns.
And you and I, we kind oftalked about this a while ago.
Back in the day when we firstgot married, we would have
handled it differently.

Oh, absolutely.

And some of those patterns were not healthy the
way that we handled conflict.
So if you continue to push thatsame pattern through your whole
marriage, I think you can seethat how that would damage your
relationship over time.
It because if yourrelationship's not evolving to
be in a better, more healthycondition to where you can

(33:08):
actually work through conflictlike an adult, talk through
issues and figure out, you know,how to get past these things,
then you're going to continuallyhave probably this molehill
becoming a mountain becauseyou're never going to be able to
solve anything.
That's right.
It's just going to keepsnowball, that snowball effect.
And so as you have theseconflicts with your spouse,

(33:29):
especially if some of them arerecurring conflicts, that
sometimes you have things thatyou revisit occasionally, they
just keep coming up.

Yeah.

Uh you have to, you know, try new things and
different ways to approach it.
Because if an old process ofworking through something isn't
working anymore, then it's timeto, okay, we got to approach
this a new way.
Right.
We got to come up withsomething different because that
that's not working the way thatit used to.
And so, and this does give youan opportunity to break off

(33:59):
those ineffective patterns thatdon't work anymore and move on
to something better that God mayhave to help you to work
through those things.
And the benefit of it is alsoto being restored in unity and

(34:23):
oneness and have greaterhumility.
And that's a big one because weknow something that can break
our unity quicker than anything,or that oneness between the two
of us, is for us both to be atodds about things.
You got your idea of what'sgoing on, and I got my idea of
what's going on, and we can'tmeet in the middle.

Right.

That automatically creates a break in that oneness
between the two of us becausewe're not on the same page
anymore.

Right.

And then that works on our humility.
I've got to be able to humblemyself if the fight goes on long
enough where it doesn't seemlike there's any resolution in
sight.
I've either got to be the oneto step up and humble myself and
you know, cut the losses andjust try to fix this the best
way that we can, come to amutual medium somewhere that the

(35:06):
two of us can agree upon, orvice versa.
You got to be the one to stepup.
Uh, we've got to have somegreater humility.

Yeah.

And that gives us the opportunity to work on that.
The more that we have conflict,it does work to build that
humility that you have betweeneach other, as long as you have
healthy conflict and resolution.
Learning to anticipate andresolve future problems.
We know that when we have aconflict, that's not the last
conflict we're going to have.
Nope.
I wish it was, but it's not.

(35:34):
You know, somewhere down theroad, something's going to
happen, a trigger's going to getflipped again, a button's going
to get pushed, and the nextthing you know, we're going to
have another conflict.
Um, but the more that we workthrough those, you know, I have
today, I have a more positiveoutlook as I ever have on the
fact that I know if we haveanother conflict sometime this

(35:56):
next week or whatever, I withouta shadow of a doubt in my mind
know that we're probably goingto work through it.
I just don't have any doubtabout that anymore.

Right.

Because because we work through our conflicts now.
We don't sit there and let themfester and become an open
bleeding sore that the other onesit there and pokes at all the
time and just keeps it going.

And in fact, uh we don't have many conflicts.
Very little our marriage ishealthy.
I mean, no, granted, we havemore discussions than conflicts.
Yes.

So yeah.
So that's a positive thing youcan look forward to, especially
if you're newly married and itseems like you're just fighting
constantly.
These are learningopportunities.
You know, use these to learn sothat later on, when this
problem comes up again, you canrefer back to the last time you
successfully got past it.
Yeah.
What did we do the last time tofix this?

(36:49):
Let's revisit that and let'sbuild on it.
You know, so we your goal is totry to not ever have a conflict
in that area ever again,hopefully.
Um, because we don't want tosit there and rehash old issues,
you know, we want to make surethat we get past those.
Right.
Another benefit is closeness asyou listen, understand, and
validate each other.
That's something definitelythat we've learned over time.

(37:10):
Yes.
And it has taken us time to getto that point.
But from your side from yourstandpoint, when you have issues
and you talk to me about them,uh, do you feel like that I
listen and that I understand forthe most part what you're going
through and you know, try tohelp you through those the best?

Absolutely.
I mean, if I look at it nowcompared to back then, I mean in
our past, I mean, I truly feellike one, if we do have a
conflict and we're talking, one,you're gonna look at me and you
are going to acknowledge me.

Look in the eyes.

The intentional part of you being present, you
listening to me and hearing meout, and you know, sometimes may
not be what I want to hear, butin all reality, because I do
respect you and I want to knowwhat God is trying to tell me, I

(38:06):
mean, I a hundred percent feellike that that's what we do now.
I mean, you do listen to me,and now if you don't look at me,
I'm like, okay, he's trying toignore me.
Or sometimes I feel like if youwouldn't listen to me, my
conflict, like you weren't myproblem, was not worth it.

So you wouldn't want me to try to solve a
conflict over a text message?
How do you feel about that?

Okay, so Dan knows how I feel about this.
Um I think it needs brought upat this point.
I am not a person who now backthen, maybe like in my past, but
I'm a type of person myconflict needs to be handled and

(38:51):
talked about with my spouseface to face.
Um because one, a text, youdon't see how they're saying it.
You don't know if it's gonna besarcastic or if they're being
sincere.

They rolled their eyes when they typed it out.

Yeah, like whatever it may be, you may just
be saying it because that'swhat I wanted to hear.
And we've been there.
We truly have been there.
I've done it myself, you'vedone it.
So now if there is a situation,what is the one thing?
We'll talk about it later.

Yeah.
And we have said that over.
I know sometimes, and I I wantto put this out there, there are
times that if you have conflictfirst thing in the morning and
you don't resolve it by the timeyou go to work, I totally
understand that some people'swork, you you're not allowed to
be on your phones and you can'ttalk.
That puts you in a spot whereyou can't really talk it out
yet.
You got at least eight hoursbefore you're gonna probably be

(39:45):
back together again.
And so, but we have before, ifwe've had a conflict that's
happened like that and we'vegotten away from home and went
to work still a little upset orthat kind of thing, then we have
before kind of talked a littlebit on text for a moment.
And it's like, okay, well, weget home later tonight, we're
gonna sit down, we're gonna talkthrough this.

And I think, you know, here's the deal.
If you have to text your spouseand say, I'm sorry, I what I
would what I would prefer, thisis my opinion only.
I would be like, okay, Dan,text me and say, Hey, let's talk
about it later.
I just want you to know that Ilove you.

(40:26):
And I'm sorry, but I will talkto you in person when I get
home.
In that meantime, I'm gonna bepraying for the Holy Spirit to
be guiding me and directing mein that conversation and how my
feelings, because here's mything.
I want to be praying, God, letme look at through this through

(40:48):
your eyes, not how I feel,because emotions and feelings
are what?

Yeah, they're temporary.

That's right.
Yeah, I want to be able to seethis through whatever God has,
and whether it was intentionalon our whether our conflict was
intentional, not by you knowanything else, but just
necessarily if you were to textme, I would not be happy with

(41:16):
that.
Yeah, now some people are okaywith it.
Me and my personality, I am notokay.
If you can speak to me that wayand you can talk to me in
person like that, yeah, youbetter apologize to in person.
And you know, it just means somuch more.
I'm gonna see how you react.
And is you can say words allday, it's your actions that come

(41:38):
out to play in that.

And I feel that if you're leaning on technology to
be your middleman, that itactually over time is going to
take out take out the personableside of your relationship with
your spouse because we alreadyhave a problem today, especially
between parents and kids.
You probably see this more of adisconnect in that
relationship, probably for themost part, but you do see it in

(41:59):
spouses a lot also.
But it's become an electronicuh relationship.
Uh you your uh a lot of yourstuff happens over phones or
over devices, conversations thatyou have between each other
rather than face to face.
Yeah.
And we're starting to lose thatpersonal touch of the
relationships between eachother, and that's not a good

(42:23):
place to be.
And especially if you haveconflict between the two of you,
just I think what you said wasperfect way to just wrap that
little part up was if you canhave the fight face to face and
spout off the mat the mean,nasty comments and the
criticizing and all that stuff.
If you can do that face-to-facestanding in the kitchen, then

(42:44):
you really should be able to sitback at the table later face to
face and work through that andfix it.

Yeah.

You know, that's not a place to be texting or
emailing or uh whatever.
It's it really needs to be aface-to-face conversation, if at
all possible, to try to fixthat because it does.
It helps you to become a betterlistener.
It helps you to understand yourspouse better, and it also
helps with that validation thatyou have between each other that

(43:09):
you are an important.
I'm validating that you'reimportant enough in my life that
I'm willing to take my time andsit down at the table and sit
across from you and look you eyein the eye to eye and try to
fix it.
You know, that validates me asa person when I when you're
willing to do that for me.
And so that's something thatthat really needs to be kept in
mind when you do have theseconflicts.

Not everybody's the same, but just remember what
you just said.
If you speak to a person faceto face, you need to apologize
face to face.

Yeah.
And most generally, justbecause one spouse is okay with
doing it over a text, the otherone probably isn't, typically.
And in my opinion, if onespouse in the equation does not
like that, it should never bedone because that you need to
validate that other spouse'sfeelings as well.
Come back to that empathy.
You need to put yourself intheir shoes.

(44:02):
Uh, they want it to be inperson for a reason, and you
need to uh respect that.
You really do.

Amen.
Yes.

Uh, two more here as we close up, uh, some
benefits of conflict, deeperunderstanding, trust,
connection, and respect.
And if you put all of thosetogether, what does that become?
True intimacy.
Yes.
So if you have a deeperunderstanding of each other, and
again, that only comes byconversation.
The more that you're withsomeone and talk to them and

(44:32):
understand who they are, thatgives you a deeper understanding
of them as a person.
And then you can also buildthat trust in those
conversations because again, ifyou come to the table to work
through these conflicts and lookeach other eye to eye, then
that's going to build that trustbetween the two of you, and
that's gonna help thatconnection.
Yeah.
And then you're gonna have arespect for each other as
spouses.

(44:52):
You know, I have total respectfor you as my wife, as the
mother of our kids, as the thewoman of this household.

A Nana.

A Nana.
Yeah, it's a I you know, Ihighly respect you in all those
aspects.
And a lot of that is because Ihave over time had these
conversations with you, and Iknow the true you and who you
are, and I know within myselfthat you're just a very awesome
person inside and out.

For lifting me up.

The only way that you can get to that as spouses
is to have communication.

Yeah.

And to work through conflicts the right way.
The last one here is a benefit,is evidence of God's constant
presence and help.
So good.
And we know that it's reallyhard to get through any type of
a conflict between each other orany times that we get sideways
with each other.
We should always involve God inthose conversations as much as

(45:44):
possible because he has theanswers for us and he gives us
that reason and that will towant to fix it.
You know, we want to live agood spiritual marriage like God
has wanted like He's put uponus and called us to.
And in order for us to do that,then we need to make sure we
resolve these conflicts andthese issues between the two of

(46:04):
us so that we can continue to bethat that beacon that shines in
the darkness for these othercouples to be that example that
other couples that are hurtingcan see.

And just remember to build them up.
The evidence of God'sconstant's presence and help is
not allowing if if you're gonnaallow that and the benefit from
that being, you have to remembernot to be prideful.

Yeah.

Because that doesn't show the evidence of
God's presence.
Yes.
So isn't it encouraging tothink about the ways conflict
can actually strengthen arelationship when approached
together?
The truth is, working throughchallenges doesn't automatically
produce closeness, it simplyopens the door for a meaningful

(46:56):
connection to take place.
That's why the word to focus onhere is opportunity.
Every disagreement or roughmoment gives both people a
chance to grow, to understandone another more deeply, and to
move toward greater unity.
When we shift our mindset toview conflict as a valuable

(47:18):
opportunity rather than adisruption, everything changes.
Instead of dreading thetension, we can begin to say,
this is difficult, but I'mgrateful for the chance it gives
us to strengthen ourrelationship.
Each tough conversation holdsthe potential to teach us
something about who we are,about our partner, or about the

(47:40):
way we function together.
You might be thinking, okay, Iget the idea.
Couples who avoid hardconversations end up as
roommates, while those who leaninto them grow closer.
But how do we handle thesemoments in a way that actually
helps instead of making thingsworse?
That's gonna be on our nextepisode.

Yep.
We're gonna look at the anatomyof a fight next week.

Woo-hoo!

Put on the boxing gloves.
Get to wait till then.
That's right.
Uh but yeah, I think you know,for this week, this really is a
good way to set the stage uh aswe get into this conversation on
conflict.
And, you know, I say thatconflict shouldn't be a dirty
word in our marriages because weshould be using those moments

(48:32):
to grow.
But at the same time, we dowant to try to avoid conflict.
I mean, it's not we shouldn'tbe out there just looking for
it.

I think if it if you're gonna have it, make sure
it's healthy.

Right.
You need to make sure you learnsomething from it.
And and if anything, just tomake sure you don't make that
mistake again, hopefully.
You know, because we're gonnawe have different scenarios in
life as we go through it.
We have many years together,typically, and we have many
scenarios that's gonna createdifferent issues, have different
conflicts on different things.
But the bad thing is when wekeep rehashing the same one over

(49:04):
and over and over and over,because obviously we're not
learning our lesson if that samething continues to be a
problem.
And so sooner or later we haveto get to the root of what that
issue is if it continues to keeppopping up.
There's gotta be a button theresomewhere that's pushing uh
from a root of something that'scausing that issue to take
place.
And so that's something thatneeds to be figured out.
But all of our conflicts thatwe have should typically, for

(49:28):
the most part, be something new,something else that's came up,
and now we got to work throughthat.
But we use those all asbuilding blocks in our
relationship to be a strongercouple.

So I'm curious to hear from our listeners.
What and how has a goodconflict helped you in your
marriage going further?
Yes.
In in your marriage life.
So if you could reach out, letus know.
Do you have conflicts that'sgood?
And how what what benefits didyou get from that?

Yep.
And there's a couple ways youcan actually get that to us.
You can either go to thewebsite, there's a form there
you can fill out and send it, orthe email we have is Daniel at
connectingthegap.net.
You can also send them thatway.
And if you're okay with it,just to help other people to
learn as well, you can get onour social media.
We have Facebook and uh X andInstagram.

(50:20):
You can make comments on thoseplatforms.
Uh Spotify has it, YouTube,Rumble.
There's plenty of places thatyou can make those comments.
And uh if you'd like to sharethat, please do.
We'd love to read those.
And if you'd be willing to letus, we'd like to maybe share
some.
We don't have to say any namesor anything, but uh that helps
other people to know how to getthrough their conflict because

(50:40):
there's people out there rightnow, probably that's having a
fight at this moment thatdoesn't really know how to
resolve it.
And when people like us thathave been through those fights
before possibly come along andwe have a resolution, that helps
other couples to grow and movepast those things, and then we
can be a part of the resolutionin that marriage situation,
which to me is a very rewardingthing when we can take our

(51:04):
experiences and help otherpeople become better spouses.
So, is there anything you wantto add to this week's yeah?
Okay, well, we're gonna goahead and wrap it up, then we'll
come back next week andcontinue this discussion on
healthy conflict.
Uh, so that's all for thisweek, and we pray that your
marriage is stronger and yourwalk with God is closer after
this episode.
This is an extension ofConnecting to Gap Ministries,

(51:26):
and we pray that you have ablessed week.

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Conflict Can Be Good in a Marriage Pt 1 (Marriage Reset Series) - 279

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}Conflict Can Be Good in a Marriage Pt 1 (Marriage Reset Series) - 279