Dealing with Dry Times Spiritually as a Couple (Marriage Reset Series) - 277 - Marriage Life and More

Episode Transcript
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Daniel Moore (00:05):
We all go through dry times spiritually.
Those seasons where yourprayers feel like they're
bouncing off the ceiling.
Your Bible collects more dustthan insights.
And even worship songs, well,they start to sound like they're
on repeat.
And when that happens as acouple, it can feel even
tougher.
One of you might be ready tostorm the gates of heaven while
the other just trying toremember where they left their

(00:27):
faith or even their coffee.
Well, in today's episode, we'regoing to be talking what it
looks like to walk through thosespiritual dry spells together.
We're going to share a powerfulstory from Greg Smalley of
Focus on the Family and a timewhen his faith hit rock bottom
after unanswered prayers andwhat his wife Erin did and
didn't do that helped him findhis way back.

(00:48):
It's honest, it's raw, and areminder that sometimes the most
spiritual thing that you can dofor your spouse is just love
them well and let God do theheavy lifting.
Welcome to Marriage Life andMore.

(01:08):
This is a podcast aboutmarriage, Bible, and book
studies, and we interview peoplethat have inspiring stories.
I'm Daniel Moore, your host,and sitting over next to me is
my beautiful co-host, my wifeMichelle.
Hey, hey.
I want to thank you guys forjoining us this week.
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(01:30):
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(01:50):
Also, our new book is out,Marriage as a Mission: Living
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And you can also pick that upexclusively at Amazon as well.

(02:14):
So go pick yours up today.
And as we wrap up this week'sepisode, it moves over into some

(02:45):
dry times and how we can havedry times in our marriage.
So today we're going to betalking about something every
believer faces at some point.
And what those are called aredry times.
And we're talking about thosespecifically in our spiritual
lives.
You know, that's those seasonswhen God feels distant, prayers
seem unanswered, and your faithjust feels, you know, kind of

(03:08):
like it's just stuck.

Michelle Moore (03:11):
Yeah.
And when that happens in amarriage, it can be tough,
especially if one spouse isfeeling strong in faith and the
other feels like they're barelyhanging on.
Today we're diving deep intohow to walk through those dry
times together as a couplewithout drifting apart.

So we're going to share that story here in just a
second.
And this story, it's really avery powerful example of how one
person's spiritual struggle canripple through a marriage and
how grace and patience can helpcarry you through it.
And for those of you that don'tknow who Aaron and Greg Smalley
are, they are actually withFocus on the Family.
They are both marriagecounselors and they work on the

(03:53):
team there as they help counselmarriages with Focus on the
Family.
They're real big into theMarriage 911 program, which
Michelle and I, uh, we arecoaches at our church for that
program for marriages that arein crisis.
And they've written many, manybooks.
So Greg and Aaron are nostranger to having a
relationship with God andknowing what it means to live as

(04:15):
a Christian.
But as all of us know, thatthere are times, even in our
walk with God, when thingshappen and Satan comes up
against us and he tries to fightagainst us and the things that
we're trying to do for God.
So, Michelle, I'm gonna goahead and we're gonna start and
I'm gonna have you uh share thatstory that Greg Smalley shared.

Okay, so this story is written by Greg.
So I'm gonna paraphrase.
Um, so he starts out with, Iexperienced a very dark time
spiritually in our marriage.
A close friend, Dr.
Gary Oliver's wife, Carrie, wasdiagnosed with pancreatic
cancer.
This couple was extremelyimportant to us.

(04:56):
Gary had been a groomsman inour wedding.
He was my mentor and boss atJohn Brown University.
They had been our mentors as acouple early in our marriage
when we were struggling.
Aaron and Carrie had written abook together also called Grown
Up Girlfriends.
Once Carrie was diagnosed, Ifound the ministry that donated

(05:20):
prayer pagers for people goingthrough a major illness.
Instead of simply tellingsomeone that you are praying for
him or her, it allowed peopleto type in her number on the
pager and it would alert herthat someone was praying for her
at that very moment.
It was a wonderful source ofencouragement to Carrie and

(05:41):
Gary.
Since we all worked together,we heard her pager go off
constantly.
It was so distracting, but in agood way, because I would think
how cool it was that someonewas praying for her.
Carrie's prayer pagerconstantly buzzed for months.
Although I knew that pancreaticcancer was a very difficult

(06:02):
diagnosis with a bleak survivalrate.
I remember thinking that Godhad no choice but to heal her.
I was familiar with the manyverses about the power of
prayer, and based on God'swords, I was convinced that
Carrie was going to be healed.
How could she not be?
Thousands of righteous Christfollowers were praying for her

(06:24):
night and day.
I will never forget when I gota late-night call from Gary
telling me that his sweet Carriewas with her heavenly father.
What?
She died?
That's impossible.
I had witnessed months ofunceasing prayer for Carrie's
healing.
How could she be gone?
When Carrie died, it rocked myspiritual world.

(06:47):
I went into a real spiritualfunk, especially about prayer.
The verses seem prettystraightforward.
There's no ambiguity in them.
Ask and I will do it.
How could God say, Whatever youask in prayer, believe that you
have received it and it will beyours?

(07:08):
That is from verses in Mark 11,24, but it and it says it
doesn't say maybe or possibly,it says it will be yours.
I started to view prayer asmore like a spiritual slot
machine.
Put your prayer quarter in theslot, pull the lever, say amen,

(07:30):
and wait to see if thisparticular prayer would hit the
jackpot.
That's what it felt like to me.
I would hear about people whowere being healed from cancer.
So why not carry?
I became a prayer sinning.
Sure, God answered prayers.
But the process didn't seemconsistent with his word.

(07:50):
I was taught to pray like thepersistent widow in Luke 18, who
was asking a judge for justice.
Even though the judge didn'tfear God or respect men, the
widow wore him down by beingpersistent.
Because this widow keepsbothering me, I will give her
justice so that she will notbeat me down by continual

(08:12):
coming.
The point Jesus was making inthis parable was to pray
persistently.
That's what I witnessed withCarrie.
But she still died.
Not only did this dark seasonimpact my relationship with the
Lord, it also impacted ourmarriage.
Praying together as a couplehad always been an important
part of our relationship.

(08:33):
My pessimism around prayercaused me to stop praying with
Aaron.
It just felt shallow and fake.
So how do you respond when yourspouse has a faith crisis?

And this is, you know, really huge because I
think of a lot of times uhthere's been times and even in
our own marriage where we hadthings that would happen and we
would pray for them, and itwould seem like that nothing was
going on, you know, that therewas no answers coming, uh, the
total opposite of what wethought was going to happen
didn't.
Uh, you know, it's we all havethose those times, you know,

(09:08):
that we go through whenever werely so much on prayer because
the Bible tells us to.
And as good, solid Christians,we pray for those things, but
then the answer doesn't comelike we would like it to, you
know.
And then you have your friendscoming along that aren't really
necessarily believers.
They're, you know, they'rewatching your life and they're

(09:29):
watching to see how you are withGod and how you are in your
walk with Him.
And they see the struggle thatyou have praying for answers to
a certain situation.
You don't get those.
And then they're sitting there,you know, well, you say prayer
works, you know, why is it notworking?
You know, and they just kind ofput you on the spot.
Yeah.
And that can really make iteven get deeper for you and get

(09:51):
into that spiritual funk, youknow, if it seems like God's
just not listening.
And, you know, I think we'vebeen very fortunate because
we've had some prayers in ourfamily for major big situations
where God has came through.
And so we have seen him work,but we have seen times too where
it didn't happen.
You know, my dad had cancer andhe died from it.

(10:14):
Within two years, he was gone.
He had lots of people prayingfor him.
And, you know, you had deathsin your family uh that were just
full of questions, you know,why?
You know, why God?
Uh why is this happening?
And so it's real easy for us toget into that spiritual funk
sometimes.

(10:34):
And, you know, Greg in thisstory, he basically said that he
had become a prayer cynic.
You know, he said he didn'tstop believing in God, but
prayer felt mechanical, likepulling a lever on a slot
machine, hoping to get luckythis time.
And he even stopped prayingwith his wife Erin.
And there's an episode that Idid a long, long time ago.
Uh, with I think it was thefirst year that I did this

(10:56):
podcast um almost six years ago.
Uh I did want about God ustreating him like a slot
machine.
You know, a lot of times we'vewe treat him like we just put
the quarter in and we pull thelever and we expect him to give
us what we want.
And that is not what the wholepurpose of prayer is.
That's not the whole purpose ofhaving God in our life.

(11:18):
But Satan loves it when we getinto that cycle.
And he loves it when we all ofa sudden uh put prayer at the
bottom of the list instead of atthe top, and we we decide to
try to solve our own problemsour own way uh rather than
bringing God into the equation.
And, you know, I think that ascouples, if you're together long

(11:41):
enough, you know, uh Michellewith you and I, I think there's
times that we can look back inour marriage and we can see
probably probably where one ofus walked through a dry time
where the other one seemed likethey were still moving forward.
Yeah, you know, and and and itrotates.

Yeah.

You know, sometimes you have your moments
and then we work through that,and then I have my moments, and
we work through that.
And but when people have drytimes like that, there are
certain ways that you have toapproach that to help people
come out of that state to getthem out of that position.
But the first thing that wewant to talk about today is uh

(12:21):
we're gonna talk a little bitabout understanding dry times
spiritually.
And when we come down to totalking about that, what we're
what we're saying is is what aresome signs, I guess you could
say, to know that you areactually in a spiritual dry time
in your life.
And so we've got a list herethat has a whole bunch of uh

(12:45):
different things that you canwatch for in your life to
determine are you in a dryseason?
And the first one here is lossof desire for spiritual
practices.
And some signs of that is thatthey no longer seem interested
in prayer, worship, or readingscripture.

(13:05):
Uh these type of people may gothrough the motions, whether if
it's with church, small groupsor devotionals, uh, but they may
be there, but their heart's notin it.
You know, their heart justisn't there where it needs to
be.
Another sign of that isspiritual conversations feel
surface level or uncomfortable.
And I think a lot of times thereason we get into that part of

(13:26):
it is conviction.
You know, if we're not walkingour walk like we should be at
that time, and we're not reallyputting our efforts into praying
to God like we should orbelieving the word like we
should, I think the Holy Spiritcomes in and starts doing a
little bit of work in us, tryingto convict us a little bit to
get back on track and to try toget back to where we need to be.
So this one here, it's one ofthe clear, the clearest early

(13:51):
indicators that you might bewalking through a dry season.
In Revelation chapter 2, verse4, Jesus tells the church in
Ephesus, you have forsaken thelove that you had at first.
You know, so with thatscripture, dryness often begins
with a cooling off of theaffection that we have for God.
And we actually talked a littlebit about that scripture, even

(14:13):
in the marriage context ofthings when we went through the
four laws of love.
Uh, when we talked about, youknow, we have people come up and
they'll say, Well, I just don'tfeel like I'm in love with my
spouse anymore.
You know, I just don't feellike that fire is burning or uh
that thing is there anymore thatwe used to have.
And if you remember, Michelle,you know, we talked about that
scripture about going back tothe beginning and starting over

(14:36):
again and remember where youcame from.
Because a lot of times this notonly is an issue with uh us
between us and God and goingthrough a spiritual dry time,
but this can also carry overinto our marriages where we feel
like we have dry times in ourmarriages, even between each
spouse.
And a lot of it is we sometimesget into a mundane rut with our

(15:00):
marriages, or we get to amundane rut with our walk with
God.
And the next thing you know, itseems boring to us, and it
seems like we've lost thatflame.
And we start questioningthings, you know, about our
marriage.
We start thinking questioningthings about our walk with God,
we start questioning about a lotof stuff.
Satan just starts bombarding uswith negativity in our mind and

(15:20):
everything.

Just remember though, as a spouse, don't
immediately assume rebellion.
Yes.
Sometimes it's exhaustion,grief, disappointment, or simply
a period of testing.
Rather than pushing them to domore, invite them to rest in
God's presence again.
Sometimes the best way torekindle desire is to remove

(15:41):
pressure.
And I can say that justspeaking for myself, I tend to,
when I get so much going on, theexhaustion really just wears on
me.
And I can feel that's where Islip at.
And then it's like, oh gosh,you know, I need to get back
where I'm at because of thatconviction.
Like I know, but I'm soexhausted at that moment.

(16:03):
So just remember, as a spouse,you know, when you're thinking
it's not, you know, don't thinkit's rebellion.
There may be other underlyingthings.

Yes.
And prayer comes into key therea lot because we we should
always be praying over ourspouses anyway.
But especially if we seesomething bothering our spouse,
they don't quite something seemsoff, you know, something just
doesn't seem quite right all ofa sudden, and you start going
through this spell where it justseems like they're distant, you
know, just things are going on,but they won't talk, you know.

(16:34):
That happens a lot.

And I like how Aaron just like from my
understanding was that she justlet him, okay, this is what's
going on, this is what he'sdoing.
Yeah.
You know, and I think sometimesas a spouse, as you just said,
you need to be praying, youknow.

And we're gonna touch a little bit on that here
in the second point.

Okay.

Uh the second one, the second sign that you're
probably going through aspiritual dry spell in your
marriage is emotionaldisconnection or numbness.
And Michelle, share some ofthose signs with us on that one.

Yeah.
Um some of these are just likestabbing me in the heart because
I've walked this and more thanonce.
So um they feel emotionallyflat, not just toward God, but
toward life in general.
You might hear phrases like, Ijust feel empty, or what's the
point, or I can't feel Godanymore.

(17:27):
They seem disengaged duringworship or quiet times that used
to move them deeply.
This often points to soulfatigue.
In Psalms 42, 5, it says, Why,my soul, are you downcast?
Why so disturbed within me?
Even David, a man after God'sown heart, went through times

(17:53):
when his emotions couldn't catchup with his faith.
So good.
So as a spouse, your role isnot to cheer them up, but to
offer empathy and patience.
You can't pour spiritual energyinto them, but you can create
safety for them to be honestabout what they're feeling.

(18:13):
And I honestly I love thisbecause there's times that I
have talked to you and like youknow, like I'm just like I can't
because I'm not physically,emotionally, and spiritually,
I'm not where I need to be.
So I need to take, you know,that time from myself between me
and God and to rest.

(18:34):
And I feel like a lot of mineis when I get too busy.

Yeah, and get exhaustion starts sitting in
just life in general.

And I just want to sit, and it's just like
nobody talk to me, nobody doanything.
I just want to sit on there.
Yeah.

Yeah.
And back to the story aboutGreg and Aaron, you know, that
was that was one thing that shedidn't do was she didn't try to
change Greg when when thishappened with him.
You know, Greg, he in his storycontinued, he said, I so
appreciated that Aaron neverrushed me.

Yeah.

She didn't try to talk me out of my feelings or
confusion.
She listened to me and waspatient.
So he was being seen and heardat that point, which we've
talked about before in differentepisodes.
She let me question God withouttrying to provide the answers.
And Greg said he knew that itwas painful when he didn't want
to pray or go to churchtogether, but Aaron gave him the

(19:23):
space to work through that.
And the Holy Spirit, you know,sometimes we have to give the
Holy Spirit room to move andtransform our hearts.
And we have to let the HolySpirit do his job.
Our job is to be continuousconduit of love to your spouse.

So, how hard is it though for a spouse that
wants to fix it and sees thattheir spouse is going through
that?
And, you know, I mean, I'm notme, I'm just like, oh, you'll,
you know, you don't gotta workit out, or you know, you're the
same way.
But I do know that there arespouses out there that want to
fix that.
And, you know, oh, you shouldbe doing this or you should be

(20:02):
doing that.
What words of wisdom would yougive them?

You really have to pray about this because there's
not there's nothing reallyquicker, I don't think,
sometimes to trip a trigger orpush a button on a spouse than
when they're going through anissue that they are already
struggling with and they'retrying to work it out within
their own mind for somebody fromthe outside to come in with a
fix-it-all suggestions and justhammering you to fix this and

(20:30):
fix this, and you're do you needto do this, you need to do
that, and and all that kind ofthing.
Uh we really, if if we have ourwalk with God like we should
have, we should be alreadycommunicating the best that we
possibly can at that moment withGod and allowing the Holy
Spirit to work inside of us.
The Holy Spirit knows best.

Yeah.

And if a whole if a spouse is not pursuing that,
then you might the other spouseneeds to be praying for God.
Please open their heart, pleaseopen their eyes to see what it
is that they're going through atthis moment and what rest you
can give them, what help thatyou can give them to get through
all of this.

(21:10):
And sometimes we have to juststand there and just just be
available.
You know, if your spouse needsyou, they're gonna come, they'll
ask, they'll communicate,whatever it may be, and it might
be some hard times, you know,because I'm you know, I'll say
my my first intuition all thetime is to try to fix your
problems.

Right.

And you like to try to fix mine because we love
each other.
You know, we don't like to seeit when each of us are going
through an issue or goingthrough a problem, or Satan's
attacking us.
We don't like to see thathappen.
And, you know, it it comes backreally to just so many
different lies that Satan speaksinto us that goes against the

(21:48):
norm that we have to flip thescript on all of that and
understand that, and this issome of the stuff that we talk
through actually with marriage911, is you're not supposed to
be the person that provides thelove in my life.
Right.
You're not you're not the onethat creates who I am.
No, you don't complete me.
It's God that completes me.

(22:09):
Now you're there as my spouseand my lover, my best friend, my
support system.
There's a lot of things thatyou are, but there's so much
more that God is.

Yeah.

And so we always have to make sure that our focus
does point towards the crossand understand that even a lot
of these times when we havethese dry seasons and that kind
of thing, a lot of times ittakes God to fix that.
You know, there's not a thingthat I can say sometimes to you
that's gonna change anything.
Uh I can be there as a supportsystem and let you know that I'm
there in the background prayingor whatever, but not be pushy.

(22:43):
I've got to let you workthrough your things and let God
help you through all of that.
But I'm there if you need me.
Yeah.
You know, I'm there to helpwhen I can.

Yeah, it's good.

And so that's really hard to do.
I underwe you and I both aregonna not gonna sit here and
say, oh, this is super easy.
Just tell them what to do andget it over with.
No, that's not the best way toapproach that.

I think after years of us being able, like
when we've had this from time totime, we now know, like, okay,
just step back, let God do thework, you know.
And I think if it ever becameunhealthy to where we did get,
like one of us gets stuck inthat complete rut, that there
would be a time that I thinkbeing led by the Holy Spirit

(23:24):
would say, enough is enough, youknow.
Um but it would be done inlove, exactly for sure.

Yeah, you have to be careful, pray, let God lead
you.
Yeah, let the Holy Spirit leadyou in how you handle that
situation on both sides.
The third thing here that isthat's a sign that you're in a
dry season is cynicism orfrustration towards God.
And this is a real easy placeto get.
You wouldn't think it would bebecause he's our creator and we

(23:50):
love him, and you know he lovesus.
Yeah.
But as human beings, we getinto a bad spot sometimes.
And some signs that this istaking place, that you're
getting the cynicism in yourlife or frustration, is these
types of people make sarcasticor bitter remarks about prayer,
church, or faith.
Uh, if you start jud beingjudgmental about a lot of things
within the church and anddifferent things that that go

(24:11):
on, they also may question whyGod allows suffering or doesn't
seem to answer prayer.
You know, just like Greg did inthis story that we shared here,
uh, we expected an answer andexpected a good ending, a fairy
tale ending.
Yeah.
That wasn't God's plan.
And so we question that and weask God, why did you do this?
And why, you know, why am Isuffering through this also?

(24:34):
And they also may have movedfrom wrestling with faith to
actually resenting it.
And that's a very dangerousplace to be because we, you
know, a lot of times we dowrestle in our faith because
Satan will come up against usand what we think we believe,
Satan will throw things at us tomake us question what we
believe.
And so it's a constant workingthrough uh with studying the

(24:57):
word and prayer time with God,going to church, all the
different things spirituallythat we do in our life, those
are the things that we do tokeep making sure that we're
strong on the inside, make surethat we're where we need to be
with God, because we know thatSatan's constantly fighting us
to tell us the opposite of whattruth is with God in our life.
So as long as that's a healthywrestle match, yeah, and we keep

(25:21):
pushing Satan away, we keepbuilding uh those walls between
us and Satan, telling them toflee, you know, we keep
defeating him with our weapons,it's a healthy fight at that
point.
But when we get to a pointwhere the faith that we have in
our life is actually becomes uhsomething that we resent, you
know, something that seems likeit's just a burden on our

(25:42):
shoulders, that we have to carrythis persona all the time of
being a Christian, and it justbecomes exhausting to live for
God and all those kinds ofthings.
That's a dangerous place toget.
And it's a classic symptom ofdisappointment with God, though.
If you read in Proverbs chapter13, verse 12, it says hope
deferred makes the heart sick.
And what that means whensomeone's expectations of God

(26:05):
don't match their experience,bitterness can start to build
inside of you.
You can't gently you can gentlyhelp by validating their pain
without defending Godprematurely.
The goal isn't to win a debate,it's to keep the dialogue with
God alive, even if that dialoguesounds like a lament.
And a lament is when, if youlook through Psalms, you'll see

(26:28):
a lot of laments orlamentations.
That's when we cry out to Godand and pour our worries and our
the things that are botheringus, we just unload on God in a
healthy way.
God allows us to do that, andthat's what a lament is.
And so even if even if it seemslike we go through this season
where we we're just lamentingwith God a lot, instead of

(26:50):
having the positiveconversations as much, we seem
to always be just loading ourcomplaints and our frustrations
onto Him.
Uh, God tells us that's part ofthe cross.
That's that's why Jesus wentand died on that cross.
He's he's there to bear all ofthose things.
And then he comes back withsome answers for us.
And he comes back with a way tohelp restore us back to where

(27:11):
we needed to be.
Uh so you know, just rememberthat God can handle your
spouse's honest questions betterthan he can handle their
silence.

Yeah.

So don't ever just silence yourself and not talk
to anybody, including God.
If you're going to be silentwith the people around you,
that's one thing.

Yeah.

But always keep that communication open with
God.
Yeah.
Because God wants thatinteraction, and that's how you
fix the issues is by talking toGod back and forth and let God
reveal things to you in thatconversation.

Number four, the other one was withdrawal from
Christian community.
The three signs are they stopattending church or small group,
they avoid faith-basedconversations or gatherings, or
they seem more comfortable withisolation or distraction and

(28:11):
spiritual fellowship.
Isolation is both a symptom anda cause of spiritual dryness.
The enemy loves to isolatebelievers because separation
weakens encouragement andaccountability.
In Hebrews 10.25, it remindsus: do not give up meeting
together, but encourage oneanother.

(28:32):
If your spouse is withdrawing,don't guilt them into
intendance.
Instead, gently keep communityaccessible.
Invite them along, but let themdecide.
Sometimes just knowing they'rewelcome without pressure keeps
that door open.
I like that.

Yeah.
This can go back even to youcan use an example of this for
your kids.

Yeah.

You know, a lot of times when your kids don't want
to go to church as they'reyoung and you force them to go,
you know how they react.
Yep.
You know.
Well, as adults, we have atendency to carry that childlike
behavior into our adulthoodsometimes, and we'll react the
same way, although it's moredangerous, really, as an adult
because we do have the choice tonot go.

Yeah.

As kids, you know, if our parents said you're
going to church, we went tochurch.
We really didn't have a choicein that matter.
Um, but when you become anadult, then you do have that
choice.
Uh so we're gonna go ahead andkeep moving along here.
Number five is loss of joy andgratitude.
And a good sign of that is whenif you're a very thankful
person and you always have a lotof Thanksgiving in your heart

(29:37):
and in your life, that's justthe beam the makings of who you
are.
But all of a sudden you becomea complainer.
That's a good sign that youmight be going through a dry
time when you complain insteadof being thankful.
Sometimes you might be moreirritable, critical, or
pessimistic than usual.
Uh sometimes things that usedto bring joy or worship all of a
sudden now feel like they'reempty.

(29:57):
You just feel like you're goingthrough emotion.
When you try to worship God oreven enjoy your time at church
or your time in the Word, joy isoften a barometer of spiritual
health.
Galatians 5 22 lists joyactually as a fruit of the
Spirit.
So when joy fades, it may meanthat the sap flow of connection
with God has slowed down.

(30:18):
In Philippians 4.4, it says,Rejoice in the Lord always.
That doesn't mean to be fakehappy.
What it means is choosing toanchor your joy in God's
presence and not yourcircumstances.
When your spouse can't see thatright now, you can actually
model it by quietly maintaininggratitude yourself.
That's where this uh this wholeconcept comes in, where you

(30:41):
know, kindness can overcomeanything.
Being joyful can overcomethings.
Uh, you can set the atmosphere.

Yeah.

So just because you have a spouse that's going
through a situation or goingthrough a problem, instead of
letting that drag your wholehome down and making it a place
that you dread to go back to atnight because of all the issues
that are going on, you canchoose to be that joyful person
still and bring the light ofChrist into that home and
actually change the atmosphereof that.
And that's going to radiateinto everything around you.

Yeah.
So just a quick question.
How many of you are thinking ofthat old song, Rejoice in the
Lord always?
You remember that?
Yep.
And now that's stuck in my headnow that I've heard that.
Like it's like, okay, now it'sin there.
So number six, growingself-reliance or busyness.
Those signs are they'vereplaced prayer with planning

(31:33):
and reflection with activity.
They seem constantly busy,work, projects, entertainment,
anything to avoid stillness.
They may justify it as justbeing productive, but there's
little room left for God.
Busyness often masks emptiness.
Jesus said in Luke 10, 41-42,Martha, you are worried and

(31:56):
upset about many things, but fewthings are needed.
Indeed, only one.
Spiritual dryness can creep inquietly when we stop being
present with God.
If your spouse is constantly inmotion, don't scold.
Help create space for rest.
Sometimes what they need mostisn't a servant but a Sabbath.

That's really good.
And we can get busy.
Yep.
I've I've seen it I in my ownlife.
I've seen myself use excusesand keep keep myself from, you
know, doing things for God thatI needed to be doing.
And there's there's two kindsof busyness, because you can get
too busy within the churchsometimes as well.
You know, God does want us tohave our rest.

(32:41):
Uh, but at the same time, if welet our life become too busy to
choke out the things of God,that's when it gets to be very
dangerous because we're betteroff being more busy in the
things of Christ than we arejust the mortal things that take
place in our life on a dailybasis because we're here to
further the kingdom.

(33:01):
So uh that's another good one.
Uh, another one here, conflictor disinterest in spiritual
unity.
Some signs of that.
They resist praying together ortalking about faith as a
couple.
You feel like your spiritualintimacy has gone cold.
They may get defensive orirritated if you bring up
spiritual things.
I've actually seen this happenwithin Christian couples before.

(33:22):
Uh, when someone feels far fromGod, they often pull back from
their spouse too, becausespiritual intimacy can feel
exposing.
This doesn't necessarily meanrejection of you.
It's often shame or confusiontoward God.
You can model calm faith bystaying gentle and approachable,
keep inviting connectionwithout forcing it.
In 1 Corinthians 13 7, it sayslove bears all things, believes

(33:46):
all things, hopes all things,endures all things.
And that's the kind of lovethat keeps a lifeline open
during spiritual drought.
And one thing that this makesme think of is a lot of times
what'll happen between Christiancouples when one starts getting
away from church and gettingaway from God uh in a temporary
situation.
Uh, one of the first things aspouse wants to do is start

(34:07):
throwing scripture daggers atthem.
And uh, you know, theyautomatically want to jump on
the bandwagon of, well, youknow, if you were a true
Christian, you would go tochurch because that's what God
says we're supposed to do.
And, you know, it can come offcritical at that point.
And that'll shut down a spousequicker than anything when you
start writing them like that.
You might be right.

(34:28):
I'm not saying that you'reprobably wrong.
I'm not saying you're wrong.
Uh, because we know that whatGod expects out of us as
Christians, but in those timeswhen people are going through
that funk and they're goingthrough those issues and those
situations that Satan's tryingto put into them or put them
into, uh, it creates a spacethat they're in where they get
very defensive.

(34:48):
And because they know insidethey have an issue.
They know they have a problem.
As typical human beings, wedon't like people pointing out
our problems.
Right.
And whenever we start pointingfingers and start being critical
of the situation that yourspouse is in, that can cause
that defensive mode to pop upand then you're on the edge of
having a fight.
So you have to be real carefulwith that, approach it

(35:09):
Christ-like.

Yeah.

In the way that God would want you to do that.
God's working on them probablyalready anyway, if they're a
good Christian person.
The Holy Spirit's probablyalready in there.

Right, that's right.

And so we just need to come alongside as the
helper of the Holy Spirit atthat point.
Let the Holy Spirit guide us.
That's good.
We can work together then withthe Holy Spirit to help guide
our spouse back, hopefully, towhere they need to be and give
them that space.

So good.

So skip down to let's just do the the last one
here.
We had 10 of these.
Uh go ahead and do number 10.

Okay, so a quiet hunger beneath it all.
They might not admit it, butyou sense a restlessness, a
longing for something deeper.
They're easily moved by storiesof God's faithfulness or by
worship, even if they try tohide it.
They still show flickers offaith.
Even in the dryness, the spiritis still at work.

(36:00):
Psalm 63:1 says, My soulthirsts for you.
That thirst is proof of life.
It's a sign that the spirithasn't left, just quieted.
As a spouse, recognize thatlonging and speak to it gently.
I know you're not feeling closeto God right now, but I can
tell your heart still misseshim.

(36:22):
That kind of acknowledgementcan reawaken hope.
That's so good.

And so as you're listening today, is that you?
You know, do you as we've beengoing through some of these
different things, um, are isthis sparking some recognition
in your own lives that you're inright now?
Maybe you've been wondering,you've had some issues that's
been going on in your life.
Maybe you're wondering, well,what's going on with me right
now?
You know?
Well, hopefully, one of thosethings that we just talked about

(36:49):
maybe might have sparked alittle bit inside of you to
explain maybe what's takingplace.
So as we close up today, we'vekind of mentioned here what the
different uh signs are of beinguh in a spiritual funk.

(37:11):
So we have five ways here thatyou can actually help your
spouse when they're strugglingspiritually.
And there's because there ishope.
You don't you don't just haveto let your spouse sit there and
fight through this on theirown.

Right.

You know, there is a way to help get through this,
but you want to do it theproper way.

Yeah.

And I'm sure there's many more ways to do it
besides these five, but theseare five that we've came up with
that we're going to share withyou.
And the first one is be presentand don't preach.
And we kind of talked aboutthat just a little bit here
already.
When your spouse is wrestlingspiritually, the very last thing
they need from you is a sermon.
They do not need that, theyneed some safety at that point.

(37:50):
They need that safe spot whereboth of you can actually come
together and hash through somethings and let them, you know,
talk to you about what's goingon in their life and for you to
be there just to be able to hearand to listen and be present.
Your presence communicates whenyou do that to your spouse
that, hey, you know, you're notalone in this.
You know, I'm here to help inany way that I possibly can.

(38:13):
As Michelle and I talkedearlier, it's natural to want to
fix things, especially when youlove your spouse and see them
going through pain.
It's hard to watch that.
But often trying to forcespiritual change pushes them
further away.
You know, in Greg Smalley'sstory, Aaron didn't rush him or
argue with his doubt.
She simply stayed near and letthe Holy Spirit do the work.
We just actually talked aboutthat just a few seconds ago.

(38:33):
Your quiet presence may preachlouder than your words ever
could.
Just always keep that in mind.
A good scripture to go withthis is James 1.19.
It says, Let every person bequick to hear, slow to speak,
and slow to anger.
Listening often heals more thanlecturing does.
So let's just keep that inmind.
So what's the second thing wecan do?

The second one is pray for them faithfully,
even when you can't pray withthem.
When your spouse won't or can'tpray, you can still intercede.
Prayer is the most loving andpowerful thing you can do behind
the scenes.
Prayer invites God into thesituation without trying to
control the outcome.
Stormy O'Mardian once said,When we pray for our spouse,

(39:19):
something miraculous happens,the hardness melts.
Even if your spouse isresistant, your prayers are
creating spiritual movement theymay not see yet.
Pray specifically for theirheart to be softened, their mind
to be protected from lies, theHoly Spirit to meet them

(39:39):
personally in his timing.
When he can't reach yourspouse's heart, reach heaven
instead.
The scripture in Philippians 4,6 and 7, in everything, by
prayer and petition, withthanksgiving, present your
request to God, and the peace ofGod will guard your hearts and

(40:00):
your minds.
So good.

Yeah, that's that's really good.
Uh again, prayer is soimportant.

Absolutely.

I mean, I we can't and you know stress enough how
important it is to stay inprayer, even if you're if it's a
one-sided thing.
Somebody needs to be bombardingheaven at the time to try to
get God in the middle of it.
The third thing is model faith,don't manufacture it.
The best encouragement isexample.
Live out your faithconsistently and authentically,

(40:31):
not perfectly, because we're notperfect, but do it with
humility and hope.
And uh we talked a little bitabout this a while ago about
setting the atmosphere of beingthat atmosphere changer.
It's tempting to us to turn upthe volume on our spiritual life
to pull our spouse along.
But instead of performing,focus on being real, keep going
to church, keep reading theword, keep worshiping, not just

(40:53):
to show them up, but to showthem steadfastness.
As 1 Peter 3:1 and 2 remindsus, your spouse may be won
without a word by the behaviorof a faithful partner.
Your steady devotion remindsthem that God is still worth
trusting even when your lifedoesn't make sense.
So with this one, just rememberthat your consistency becomes

(41:14):
their evidence that God is stillgood.

Number four, speak life, not condemnation.
Your words can either build abridge or build a wall.
Choose encouragement thatinvites hope rather than
criticism that fuels shame.
When someone's strugglingspiritually, they're often
already battling guilt, doubt,or confusion.

(41:38):
Harsh or corrective tones onlyreinforce their distance.
Instead, remind them gently ofwho they are in Christ, not what
they're failing to do.
Say things like, I know this ishard, but God's not done with
you.
You don't have to have all theanswer.
God is holding you.

(41:59):
I'm here with you no matter howlong it takes.
In Proverbs 18, 21, it says,Death and life are in the power
of the tongue.
Use your words to breathe lifeback into your spouse's faith.
And remember, when your spouseforgets who God is, remind them
who they are loved, chosen, andseen.

That's really good.
I really like that.
Uh we just we have to make surethat it comes to a
communication thing in a lot ofways that we we can't criticize.
I love that one.
You know, we have to stand bytheir side in a uh positive
manner, you know, to make surethat we build them up.

I like how the fact that, you know, in a
marriage, words speak life intoa person or it can tear them
down.
Right.
And this is specificallytalking, you know, about your
prayer life and yourrelationship with Christ.
And the, you know, it's thesame thing.
Yeah.
You know, your spouse is alongfor it, but remember, whatever
you do, you're either speakinglife into them or you're tearing

(43:04):
them down.

Yeah.
The power of life and death isin the church.

Love it.
Love it.

So the fifth thing here, encourage connection, but
don't force it.
The idea here is to give gentleinvitations and not ultimatums.
Keep the door open forspiritual connection, such as
prayer, worship, and church, butdon't demand it.
Faith can't be forced.
Pressure produces resistance,but grace produces openness.

(43:31):
You can encourage small steps,you know, like would you want to
listen to worship together orwant to take a walk and pray?
But if they decline, love themanyway.
You know, don't take that as abad thing that they're, you
know, doing something personalagainst you and then you get
upset.
Uh, you know, just keep lovingthem and keep being there and

(43:53):
being open and available to themthrough this time.
You know, sometimes the bestthing you can do is hold space
and keep your own heart soft andhopeful.
God often uses that patience asthe soil where restoration
grows.
If you look at Galatians 6 9,it says, Let us not become weary
in doing good, for at theproper time we're going to reap
a harvest if we don't give up.

(44:15):
So patience in the valleybecomes the testimony on the
mountaintop.

So good.
I love this.

Awesome.
So this week, as we go, we wantto challenge you to do one
small thing together as acouple, something that invites
God back into your rhythm.
Now, maybe pray a short prayertogether before bed or read a
psalm out loud.
You know, even if it does feela little bit awkward, and it can
feel awkward sometimes ifyou're not used to doing that
kind of thing.

(44:43):
But if one of you is in a dryplace, remember, please give
grace.
Don't try to fix your spouse,just love them, pray for them,
and let God do the heart work.
As we close, we have a reminderhere from Romans chapter 8,
verse 27.
It says, The Spirit intercedesfor the saints according to the
will of God.
Now, even in your silence, Godis speaking.

(45:06):
So as we close today, justremember that when your spouse
is struggling spiritually, yourrole isn't to drag them out of
the valley, it's to walk withthem through it.
You keep the light burning, youpray, you love, and you trust
the one who knows how to bringlife back to dry bones.
Well, that's going to be allfor this week.

(45:28):
And as we go here, the takeawayfrom this episode, and we made
a three-parter out of this one,as you can tell, went a little
bit longer than we thought itwas going to.
Uh, but the takeaway from thisepisode is roommates build
individual relationships withthe Lord, soulmates build upon
their personal faith toexperience a vibrant spiritual
intimacy together.

(45:49):
Well, that's all, and we praythat your marriage is stronger
and your walk with God is closerafter this episode.
This is an extension ofConnecting the Gap Ministries,
and we pray that you have ablessed week.

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Dealing with Dry Times Spiritually as a Couple (Marriage Reset Series) - 277

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