Is it ok for Your Spouse to Control You? - 239 - Marriage Life and More

Episode Transcript
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Daniel Moore (00:07):
So how do we balance helping our spouse and
not carrying their emotional orspiritual load for them?
Do you ever find that you wantto carry a load for me?

Michelle Moore (00:17):
Absolutely.

And why is that?

Not all the time , but I mean I'm a fixer, but I
mean I'm I'm a fixer.
So obviously anything that Ifeel that is in my own eyes that
is not right or it could bebetter.
Obviously I want to carry thatload and try to make it better
that I can or to help you thisweek on marriage life and more.

We're going to continue our discussion on
boundaries in marriage.
We'll get back into that rightafter this.
Welcome to Marriage Life andMore.

(01:25):
This is a podcast aboutmarriage, bible and book studies
.
We interview peopleoccasionally that have inspiring
stories.
I'm Daniel Moore, your host,and guess what?
We have Michelle here with usthis week, yay.
After she's been under theweather for a few weeks.
She's feeling much better.

You can still hear it in my voice.

Yeah.

Much better now.

Well, we're going to make an attempt at this to
get through a couple of episodeshere, hopefully today, uh, for
this next couple of weeks.
Uh, we do want to thank you guysfor joining us, though If
you're not familiar with ourshow, you can check out our
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(02:06):
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(02:27):
doing that.
You can also reach us by emailat Daniel at connecting the gap
dot net as well.
So, as we mentioned here in theintro of this, we started a
discussion on boundaries hereabout four weeks ago, and then
Michelle and I went on vacationand went on a cruise, and we

(02:48):
went to the cruise and thecruise gave her COVID, and so it
was just not a great thing atthe end of it.

I was going to say it was the last two days and
then it just carried on fromthere and it went downhill.

Yeah, and it was pretty rough.
She had a little bit of thatsome sinus infection going on
and a little touch of pneumoniain her right lung.
So I don't know if that's aprophetic thing that tells us we
shouldn't go on cruises anymore.
No, I'm pretty sure it wasn't,is it not that Okay, I didn't
know if that'd get me out ofthat or not.

No, but yeah, we did have a great time though.

We did.
We had an excellent time A goodtime of relaxing and just
relaxing it was great Eight-day,seven-night cruise.
There was plenty of time fordowntime and just being able to
relax a little bit.

And pour into each other.

Yeah, it was really good.
It was very good for us, Reallygood week for us.
But she's back now and so we'regoing to go ahead and try to
get through a couple of,possibly a couple of, episodes
here.
We think that we probably haveenough material here maybe to go
for a couple of weeks on this.
We'll see how this goes.
But this week we're going to goahead and do our deep dive into

(03:55):
biblical boundaries in marriage.
So as we start this week on thisepisode, we're going to start
with a question, and we've kindof talked a little bit about
this over the couple of weeksthat we did start talking about

(04:15):
boundaries.
The first episode on this wedefined a bunch of different
boundaries and kind of wentthrough a lot of the different
types and what they were.
Then we talked aboutmisconceptions, because a lot of
people look at boundaries in abad way and there can be bad
boundaries, but there's goodboundaries as well that need to
be set in marriages and so ifyou guys missed those episodes,

(04:36):
you might want to go check thoseout before you listen to this
one here to try to get on thesame page here as where we're at
.
Those were about three to fourweeks ago for those two episodes
.
The question we're starting withthis week is why do many
couples avoid setting boundaries?
Well, many couples avoidsetting boundaries in marriage a

(04:56):
lot of times because they fearthat it's going to create
conflict, it's going to seemunloving or make them appear
super selfish.
Some worry that expressingneeds or limits will upset their
spouse or damage theirrelationship, so they just stay
silent.
To quote-unquote keep the peace.
But that peace is oftentemporary and surface level.
Others may not even realizeboundaries are healthy.

(05:19):
They confuse boundaries withemotional walls of rejection,
especially if they grew up inhomes where their needs weren't
respected.
In some cases, one spouse mayfeel guilty for asserting
themselves, especially if theywere taught that love means
always giving in or sacrificing.
Unfortunately, avoidingboundaries often leads to
resentment, burnout anddisconnection, because unspoken

(05:41):
expectations and repeatedviolations of emotional or
relational space quietly erodestrust and it also takes away
intimacy over time.
So whenever we first got married, I'm kind of curious what did
you, what would you have said ifI, at the beginning of our

(06:02):
marriage, verbally startedsetting boundaries?
How would that have made youfeel?
Because I know we've talked alittle bit about our past
marriages.
We've gave our testimony and somost of you that's listened to
those testimonies know that ourfirst marriages had some crazy
things go on for differentreasons and with Michelle's case

(06:24):
you know, there was a lot ofsuppression on you and you was
not allowed to have a real bigvoice in your first marriage.
There's a lot of things thatwent on with that, a lot of
dynamics that were there.
So when you married me, if Iwould have automatically popped
up, started putting in someboundaries, what if they were
good or bad ones?
How would you have related tome on that?

You know, honestly, I would have probably
at that time, because I lovedyou so much, that I would have
been like, okay, you know.
But in the back of my mind Iwould have been like he's not
going to tell me what kind ofboundary is going to be set
because of my past.
But I think honestly myself,because I loved you so much and

(07:07):
you were like my best friend,that I kind of probably would
have allowed it.
But the unspoken would havebeen there for sure of me being
like he's crazy, he thinks he'sgoing to set a boundary on me.
You know, because when you getremarried, you definitely don't
want to marry the same personthat you married before, Right?

(07:28):
So you go into that marriagethinking, ok, things are going
to be different.
So, that was my assumption ofthat.
So if you would have set that,I probably would have, as I
always say, I would have punchedyou.
But no, I wouldn't punch you.
But I honestly, probably wouldhave listened to it for a little
bit because I trusted you.
But in the back of my head Iknow, within a shadow of a doubt

(07:49):
, being like why would you setboundaries?
Yeah, and I wasn't healthy in arelationship with God either,
so I wouldn't have understoodwhy you would want to set
boundaries.

So it probably kind of would have been a
flashback for you, probablythinking okay, here I go again.
You know, I just came out of asituation where I feel like I
really didn't have much freedom.

I would have not said that to you, right?

It would have been the unspoken, you would have
thought that Absolutely.
Yes, and it would have made itdifficult.
And so the reason that I bringthat up is because, especially
for newly married people, it'svery difficult to date somebody
for a year or less especially.
But even if you date each otherfor a few years, whenever we

(08:35):
finally do make that choice toget married, we still really
don't know each other inside andout.
We think we do.

But you're living with someone day in, day
out.
It's different.

You do know a lot about that person, especially if
it's a year or more.
You do get to know that personpretty well as long as you're
both open with each other, nothiding anything.
But in all reality the actualdating phase is completely
different than when you getmarried.
It's just a whole differentdynamic.
It brings it to a whole newlevel and you know when you're

(09:04):
first chasing somebody andtrying to get them, you know
trying to win their love.
You know a lot of times anybodycan probably look back at the
time they were dating and theycan think you know, you get.
You could get by with saying alot of crazy things sometimes
when you were dating and get bywith it because you felt like
you were so in love with thatperson, you wanted to be with

(09:24):
them so bad you just wanted tooverlook things.
Sometimes, you know ifsomething might throw a flag,
you're willing to overlook that.
Think well, we get married,we'll fix all that.

Yeah.

You know that's when that time comes, we'll deal
with it and whatever.
And so a lot of times we end upwalking into a marriage
thinking that we're going to beable to fix some things or
whatever.
But then marriage, you know,the marriage starts happening
and you start moving forwardwith life and you know jobs and
having kids or whatever.
And sometimes a lot of stuffgets put on the back burner and

(09:58):
it never does, you know, gettaken care of.
And so, whether you think youare doing it or not, whether if
you verbally set a boundary, youmay not verbally do it, but
you're still in your mind, stillsetting boundaries, and
sometimes, when those aren'tspoken and explained to each
other, that can cause friction.
Because if one spouse comesinto their marriage and all of a

(10:22):
sudden they're just realoverbearing with certain
boundaries and certain areas oftheir life which were not in
place when you were dating, thenthat automatically is going to
throw a flag for that spouse.
They're going to think, well,what changed?
You know it's like, why was?
Why was we so loose in theseareas before we got married?
And all of a sudden it's a realbig deal if I do this, you know
, and as it is when you're newlymarried.

(10:43):
You don't want to rock the boat, I think it.
You know, one statement wasmade there and what we just
shared about keeping the peace.
You know the spouses will staysilent towards each other a lot
of times when they're in theirmind rolling this stuff over,
constantly trying to figure thisout, but they don't want to
verbalize it because they don'twant to start, you know, some
friction.
They're still trying to figureout how to love each other and

(11:10):
how to have a life together andall that kind of thing.
But in all reality, theseboundaries that need to be put
into place between each other,especially the healthy ones,
those need to be addressed rightwhen you first get married.
And I see a lot of times whereI don't think that happens.
Me and you didn't do that.
You know we just came in andstarted setting boundaries
towards each other, nonverbalboundaries on a lot of them and
then it caused issues becausethere was no explanation, there

(11:32):
was no reasoning why they werethere.
You know it's.
They just look like we weren'tcommunicating.
It looked like we weren't, youknow, talking about stuff, and
that can cause resentment and,like you said, especially you
come out of a relationship whereyou had a problem already.
With that, you're automatically.
That's going to be a trigger.
That's like a PTSD moment.

And I think a lot of times that you don't want
to say something because, eventhough you know that person
somewhat, when you marry him,you don't know exactly what they
would think, or you don't wantthem to think hey, you know, I
mean, I wouldn't have wanted youto think that you were my
ex-husband you know if you diddo that.
So you know, if I spoke those,would you?

(12:11):
Would you have felt that way?
Yeah, you know, if I would havesaid, hey, I don't agree with
this.
This is what happened in myfirst marriage.
I mean, how would you havehandled that?

Yeah, it's.
You know, I had some issue withboundaries myself, so I think I
probably would have reacted alot of the same way as you.
I would have went to defensivemode.
Yeah, I would have went intotrying to justify things and,
you know, defending my side ofit towards you, which there is a
place for healthy combat Iguess I like to call it healthy

(12:42):
combat between a husband and awife but it needs to be
proactive and positive.
It needs to make things better,but it takes communication.
It always comes back tocommunication.

And a healthy relationship with Christ,
because if you're one withChrist, you are going to be.
I mean, your boundaries are setalready, and if your
relationship with Christ is oneand your spouse's relationship
with Christ is one, you can meetin the middle and talk about
those things in a healthyenvironment.

Yeah, I read a book right now.
It's called Hedges and a lot ofthat whole book is on the
subject of boundaries andthere's the valid argument that
he sets in that book,immediately as soon as the book
starts, is you look atboundaries like a hedge.
And why do we have hedges?
Sometimes between us and ourneighbor?

(13:34):
You know, a hedge is that nicerow of bushes that they'll
sometimes square them off orthey'll round them off.
They look really pretty andthey water them to help them to
grow and a lot of times that'sjust a divider.
It's not that the neighborhates the other neighbor, it's
just a privacy type thing.
Where this is my boundary overhere, that's your boundary over
there, and as long as we stayhealthy in both sides of our

(13:56):
boundary, we're going to getalong great and we're going to
have a nice friendshiprelationship.
And I liked how he did that,because those hedges constantly
grow and change.

Yeah.

And so in life, if we look at boundaries like
hedges, then we're going tounderstand that.
You know we may put a boundaryin place today.
It may not be relevant 10 yearsfrom now.
You know that boundary may goaway because it's been replaced
by some other type of a boundarythat was better, you know, for
the situation or the case andour lives change constantly

(14:29):
anyway.
So there's times when we havethings that happen in our life
that creates a reason for aboundary, but sooner or later
that issue works itself out sothat boundary can go away.
So there's just a lot of thingshere that revolves with the
subject of having boundaries orhedges in marriage and just the
way that we would want to trimthose up to keep our yard
looking nice and everything elsewe need to keep those

(14:50):
boundaries trimmed up.
It's a constant process ofmaking sure that those
boundaries stay healthy.
They don't die.
You know just all the thingsthat go into that, so I really
like that the way that you know,looking at it that way.
So, with all that being said,can boundaries exist in a loving
, selfless marriage?
Share with us what we've gotthere for that question.

It says.
I say absolutely just because,yes, boundaries can and
absolutely should exist in aloving, selfless marriage,
Because they are not aboutkeeping love out but protecting
it.
Not about keeping love out butprotecting it.

(15:34):
A truly selfless marriage doesnot mean ignoring your own needs
or allowing harmful behavior.
It means loving your spouse ina way that honors both of you as
a whole, respected individuals.
Boundaries help define what ishealthy, respectful and safe
within the relationship, whichcreates space for trust and a
deeper connection to grow.
Far from being barriers to love, boundaries are actually a form

(15:55):
of love.
They say I care about us enoughto be honest about what I need
and to respect what you need,too, to respect what you need to
.
In this way, boundaries support, not hinder, a selfless,
Christ-centered marriage.
And that's it A Christ-centeredmarriage.
That explains it perfectly.

Yep, and we both got to be open to each other's
needs, and really that's whatboundaries are.
They're just the needs of yourother spouse, the things that
they need to stay healthy intheir relationship towards you,
the things that you have thatneeds to be put into place to

(16:48):
protect those sensitive areas inyour life that you have
personally within yourself.
Good boundaries set in placewith a Christ-centered marriage
can actually boost your marriageto a level that you could
probably never get to otherwise.
Right, because then you becomecompletely open and transparent
with your spouse and you're ableto discuss things without issue

(17:11):
and you can actually have good,positive interaction with each
other.
When you have issues, you knowif there's things that come up
that might be causing a littlebit of friction, if you have
some of these boundaries inplace to facilitate working
through those things in an adultmanner, then that makes that

(17:31):
possible.
Yeah, and so if you are in amarriage that has selfish
boundaries, that's dangerous,because you know and I'm talking
about boundaries like yourspouse won't let you look into
their phone, or there's thingsthat seem to be hidden a lot of
times that you really question,but they will not enter your

(17:53):
questions, they skirt around theissue or they change the
subject.
Those are not healthyboundaries, but those are
boundaries as well that they'veset in place for you.
You're not to cross that hedge.

Right.

And they're probably hiding something more
than likely, and that is nothealthy boundaries.
When we have good boundaries inplace, and inside of an
unselfish marriage, then weshould be allowed to look into
each other's sides boundariesthat we have set in place.
Some of them just might be alittle bit more sensitive than
others, and so you approachthose a little bit differently,

(18:27):
but that communication shouldstill flow, yeah, and Christ
should always remain the centerof that.
So God has given design forindividual responsibility, and
when it comes to boundaries,boundaries are a responsibility
that we have within our marriage.

(18:48):
The first point that we want tomake here is that boundaries are
about stewardship.
They're not there to irritateyour other spouse, you know, or
you know to make things bad inyour marriage or whatever.
If you look at the Bible, thewhole concept of God's word,
everything that God lays outthere for us, really comes back

(19:09):
to stewarding our finances, thehome, the possessions that he
gives us, the family that hegives us.
He has rules everywhere, and Idon't only like to call them
rules, he just has processes putinto place everywhere that, if
we follow his divine plan andstewardship things well that he
has given us in our life, heblesses all of that.

Yeah.

And it works because God has the perfect plan
.
And when it comes to theseboundaries, they're about
stewardship.
They're about stewarding yourmarriage in the best possible
way that it can be to have themost fulfilled, fun-loving,
love-filled marriage that youcan have between you and a
spouse.
And with this stewardship wehave to include our stewardship

(19:55):
of ourself.
We have stewardship of ouremotions.
Then we have to have goodstewardship of our actions.
So in God's design forindividual responsibility,
boundaries are a form ofstewardship caring wisely for
the life, emotions and choicesthat God has entrusted to each
person.
We're only here because of God.

That's right.

We have our relationship with our spouse
because of God.
God created our spouse for usas long as we're in that
marriage that he's assigned usto.
So he expects us to steward allof this in a biblical manner,
and scripture teaches that weare accountable for our own
actions and not the actions ofothers.
And it states that in Galatians, chapter six, verse five.

(20:35):
And that includes managing ourhearts, setting limits and
making choices that reflectwisdom and love.
Boundaries help us honor thisresponsibility by distinguishing
what is ours, to carry ourthoughts, feelings and behaviors
from what belongs to someoneelse.
So, rather than controllingothers, boundaries allow us to
walk in self-control, which is afruit of the Spirit, and to

(20:56):
love others freely, withoutenabling sin or dysfunction.
In this way, setting healthyboundaries is not selfish.
It's actually a faithfulresponse to God's call to
steward our lives with integrityand grace.
That gives you a wholedifferent outlook on that.
You know, whenever we aresitting here griping and
complaining because our spousehas put some kind of a boundary

(21:18):
in place that we don't like andit may be a healthy boundary
that our spouse needed, and sowe need to respect that, looking
at it through the lens of Godand the way that he looks at
things, with the way that heexpects us to steward things,
and then we need to look at itthat way, and I think that gives
us a whole different outlook atthat point.

Yeah.

It would cause us to be probably okay.
If God's, if this is Godordained and this is the way
that you know God has set forour marriage to go, then I want
to make sure I follow that, yeah, and keep God first in all of
that.
Each spouse is also responsiblefor God for their own behavior.
Each spouse is ultimatelyresponsible for God for their

(22:00):
own behavior, regardless of howthe other acts, because God
holds individuals accountablefor their choices and not their
spouses.
While marriage is a union, itdoesn't erase personal
responsibility, and in Romans,chapter 14, verse 12, scripture
teaches that every person isgoing to give an account for
their own actions, and thatincludes how we speak, how we
respond, how we forgive othersand how we love within the

(22:23):
marriage relationship.
Blaming a spouse for anger,disrespect or lack of
self-control goes against God'sdesign, which calls each person
to walk in obedience to himregardless of circumstances, and
this truth empowers couples togrow spiritually and
relationally, because when bothtake ownership of their behavior
, the marriage becomes a placeof mutual respect, grace and

(22:44):
accountability.
So I do see a lot of timeswhere spouses play the blame
game.

I don't know what he did.

Yeah, it happens quite often.
You know stuff will come up orwhatever, and if you catch the
husband complaining to hisfriend, he's got all kinds of
blame that he's throwing on hiswife, you know.
Or the wife is talking to herfriends complaining about the
husband.
There's a whole lot of blaminggoing on and you know there may
be some truth to that, thatthere's some issues going on and

(23:12):
you know the other spouse maynot be doing what they're
supposed to be or whatever, butthat doesn't fix the issue.
Going around talking to all thefriends about it and everything
else, and you know it also beingsaid, there's probably some
stuff in our own life that weneed to take care of.
You know, and God's been veryopen in his word about how we

(23:35):
need to take care of ourselves.
First, you know, if you'regoing to look for the splinter
in somebody else's eye, then yougot to take the log out of your
own, and that's, that'sscripture, and so God expects us
to, even if we have boundariesin place that are not healthy.
Um, in the end, god just wantsto make sure that we are
responsible for our own selvesand keep our own lives right

(23:56):
with him and do it as a he'scalled us to do, and when we can
all accept and own the factthat we are responsible for our
own behavior within our marriage, towards our husband or towards
our wife, then that should helpour marriage go much smoother.

Yeah.

That should allow that to flow like it's supposed
to, because each person is beingan adult at that point and
they're claiming thatresponsibility or owning their
part of what's going on in thatmarriage, and when two people do
that, it just makes it so muchbetter.

I'd agree with that.

So there's a couple of scriptures here that
go along with that.
Galatians 6, verses 2 and 5,mentions to carry each other's
burdens, for each one shouldcarry their own load.
And then in Romans 14, 12, itsays so then each of us will
give an account of ourselves toGod.
So that was some scripturesthat we we shared there in those
thoughts.
So how do we balance helpingour spouse and not carrying

(24:53):
their emotional or spiritualload for them?
Do you ever find that you wantto carry a load for me?

Absolutely.

And why is that?

Not all the time , but I mean I'm a fixer, so
obviously anything that I feelthat is, in my own eyes that is
not right or it could be better.
Obviously I want to carry thatload and try to make it better

(25:23):
that I can, or to help you andagain, as it said before, that
should be your load and not myload to carry.
Although we're married, I thinkat times there are going to be
loads that you carry of yourspouses.

Yeah, but we'll talk about that in a second.
I'm getting ahead of myself.
Oh, you're fine.

But I do feel like.
I mean I'm sure you feel thesame way about me.

Well, just like this last week when you were
sick, you know, I wanted to doanything and everything I wanted
to.
I wanted to even make you feelbetter.
Yeah that's not within my power.
I mean, I prayed for you.

Yeah.

And ask God to come in and you know, with his
healing power to heal your body,and I got you your medication,
anything that you needed.
I tried to be there to do thatfor you.
But when a spouse truly lovestheir other spouse, then
everything matters, even to thesmallest detail.
Everything matters.
And if something is going onwith their spouse that's causing

(26:21):
some issues or an illness orwhatever it may be, a good,
loving spouse is always going tobe concerned about that and
they're going to do everythingthat they can to carry that load
.

And I think there's been times too,
spiritually, I mean you've kindof, you know, if there's been
times that I've struggled withstuff, you know you'll come in
and be like, okay, you know, hey, I've been praying this and I
feel like you know you need toread this or you know you need
to do this, and I think you'relooking at it this kind of and I

(26:53):
think that's healthy because wehave at times.
I mean, I know I probablystruggle more than you do just
because sometimes, when I getinvolved in too much, it's
overwhelming to me and I have tostep back and remember why am I
doing this and is it healthyfor me?

(27:16):
Like you know, and you have to,I'm thinking of all the future
stuff and it's like Dan's liketo bring it back and he's really
good about that because I can.
At times I get you know I'm notletting God lead me, I let
myself lead me and he's like, ok, remember, this is what God's
placed for us, you know, and soit's been very the healthy

(27:38):
boundaries that we have set nowhave been really good and they
help us, yeah they balance.
Yes.

We're much better at balancing those out now than
what we used to be Only 20 plusyears later.
Yeah, it's crazy, it takes thatlong, and hopefully it doesn't
take you all that long, and someof you may be way beyond us and
still haven't figured it out.
Hopefully this discussion willhelp.
But yeah, so as we talk aboutthat balance, we do balance
helping our spouse, but we do itwithout carrying their

(28:07):
emotional or spiritual load, andwe can do that by offering
support, encouragement andprayer, which is what we were
just talking about, but we dothat without taking
responsibility for their choices, feelings or growth, because
that's something you have to do,that's right.
And that's something I have todo.
You can't help me with myfeelings and my choices.
You know that's something thatI have to make on my own.
And you know, as we just readthat scripture in Galatians 6,

(28:30):
you know it teaches us to bearone another's burdens while also
carrying our own load.
But, what that means is that wecan walk alongside our spouse
in love, doing what we can tohelp with the relationship,
without trying to fix, controlor rescue them.

Yeah.

So there's a balance there, which is what we
just talked about.
So true support says I'm herewith you, not I'll do it for you
.

I think, though, at times you would do things
for me.

When I probably shouldn't even Right, Because I
know there's sometimes it's easyto overstep your.
That's a boundary and same asme for you.

It's like it's so easy as a married couple.

Yeah.

That when you love each other so much, it's
easier to kind of work yourselfin their little boundary and
it's like, oh, I'll do that,Don't worry about it.
And you know, because I knowyou've helped, I say you've
helped me.
You know, that's how I look atit.
You've helped me.
But in all reality there's beentimes I'm like, OK, I need to
get my crap together and I don'tknow that I should have said

(29:32):
that but I did.
you know, get my crap togetherand Dan kind of slaps me in the
face and be like hey, listen.

Yeah, you know.
Well, when we look at it inthat way where I'm here for you
but I'm not, you know, I'm notgoing to do it for you and split
that up the way it should be,that balance respects our God,
god given responsibility, whilekeeping our hearts available and
compassionate at that point.

So good.

Yeah.
So speaking about thatresponsibility, what does taking
responsibility look like inmarriage?
Uh, share with us our thoughtswe have under that.

Um, that's actually when you take
responsibility in your marriage.
It's meaning your words, youractions, your attitudes,
emotions, without blaming yourspouse for how you behave.
It's admitting when you'rewrong, apologizing sincerely,
following through on commitmentsand actively working on areas
of personal growth.

(30:26):
Actively working on areas ofpersonal growth it means
managing your reactions,communicating your needs clearly
and choosing to respond withlove and self control.

Yep.

Even when things are difficult and you know
that's hard.
But in short, it's beingaccountable before God for your
part in the relationship andcontributing to health of the
marriage with humility andintegrity, and I really like
that how.
That's how you have thatwritten out.
I mean honestly.
Everything I do I have to takeresponsibility for.

Yeah, and we've talked about in our last series
that we've done how it's notjust me and you.
God is a part of our marriage,absolutely.
He's, if you want to call it,that third wheel.
That's what he is, but he'sactually in control.
You know, what you and I doneeds to reflect what he's done
in our marriage biblically andspiritually in our lives.
And so whenever we look at itwith you know, taking the

(31:28):
responsibility in the marriage,I can look at it like I'm
wanting to take responsibilityto impress you, but in all
reality I need to be takingresponsibility for my side of
the marriage because I want Godto be pleased.
Then you're pleased, because ifI can please God, then in
essence that puts our marriagewhere it needs to be.

You're right.

Because you'll be doing the same thing, and so
when you have that trianglethere, you know that flow that
goes around with everybody.
It's hard to go wrong with that, because you know that's what
responsibility looks like ishaving God involved, and you
know, owning the things that wedo personally and, at the same

(32:12):
time, owning those things thataffects both of us so good.
So we're going to hit one moresubject here before we close for
this week, and then we'll pickthis up next week, and this
might be even a three-parter, Idon't know.
There's a lot of good stuffthere is, and so I definitely

(32:36):
don't want to just jump past it.
I'll talk here too at the endabout a little bit that's coming
up in the future here on ourpodcast.
But the last point that we wantto make here before we go for
today, and what we've beentrying to do here in the
beginning of this episode, isbasically try to help understand
a thorough view of whyboundaries are in place and why
they're important, how they haveGod involved.

(32:59):
It's not just a boundary youand I are set between each other
.
This is a God thing also.
And so the third thing hereboundaries reflect God's nature.
God sets clear boundaries moral, relational and spiritual when
we read the Bible and we gothrough all of the things that
God asked of us in order for usto be a Christian.

(33:21):
Those are boundaries, those arethings that he's setting in
place.
Thou shalt not this, thou shaltnot that.
If you do this, this isreflected the same as a sin.
He does this all through thewhole Bible.

Old.

Testament, New Testament, everywhere.
And so when we sit here and say, well, we shouldn't have
boundaries in our marriage,that's just a bad thing.
There's no reason to haveboundaries in our marriage.
This came from a biblicalstarting point with God.
He's the one that started allof this, and so we need to
follow him in that path thathe's set forth in front of us.

(33:59):
God sets clear boundariesmorally, relationally,
spiritually, because he is a Godof order, truth and love.
That's the reason that he doesit.
Throughout scripture, hedefines what is right and wrong
morally.
He also defines how we are totreat one another, which is
relationally, and also how weare to relate to him, which is
spiritually.
So that's all three aspects ofour life the moral, the

(34:20):
relational and the spiritual.
The Ten Commandments, forexample they establish moral
boundaries to protect us andothers from harm.
Jesus affirmed relationalboundaries by teaching us to
confront sin with truth andgrace in Matthew 18.
He also told us to forgive, butalso to walk in wisdom.
Spiritually, God setsboundaries like have no other
gods before me.
That's Exodus, chapter 20,verse 3, inviting us into

(34:44):
exclusive covenant relationshipwhile warning against idolatry
and rebellion.
And these boundaries, they'renot restrictive, they are loving
safeguards that do what.
They lead us to freedom.
They lead us to holiness.
So good they lead us to peace.
In our relationship with himand with mine, with you and with
others.
All of this comes full circle.

(35:05):
That's good, I like that there'sa full purpose in why God
operates in this manner and whyhe wants us to follow suit.
Because what's worked with theperfect nature of how God has
done this, that cohesion thatwe're going to create with the
community that's around us, thatstarts with our spouse, works
into our friends, our churchfamily, our family as our

(35:28):
immediate family, everybodythat's associated within our
circle.
If we biblically put theseboundaries in place, like God
has asked us to, then all theserelationships will work out much
better in the long run.
Boundaries also help to protectwhat is holy and valuable.
Boundaries help protect what isholy and valuable by creating

(35:48):
clear lines around what shouldbe honored, guarded and treated
with care.
Just as physical fences protectproperty and sacred spaces, like
the temple, it has specificrules for access personal and
relational boundaries.
They preserve the dignity,purity and purpose of what God
has entrusted to us, and that isour hearts, our marriages, our

(36:09):
time and our spiritual lives.
Without boundaries, what isvaluable becomes vulnerable to
misuse, disrespect or harm.
Boundaries say this matters andthey reflect God's wisdom in
helping us steward our lives andrelationships with intention
and reverence.
In this way.
Boundaries are not barriers tolove or freedom.
They are essential forprotecting the sacred things

(36:32):
that God calls us to honor.

That's so good.
I don't know that I've reallyheard a boundary set like that.
I mean, some of these I'm justlike, wow, this is.
I mean, I've heard of it, butnot in this kind of detail.

Well, I think, and it comes back, I think, to what
we've been discussing thiswhole time kind of detailed,
well, I think, and it comes back, I think, to what we've been
discussing this whole time, andthat is the fact that people, we
as human beings, we look atboundaries as something you and
I are doing to each other, andso we keep it.
On the materialistic, worldlyside of you're not going to do
this, because I don't want youto and I'm putting this boundary
right here and don't cross thatline, and so then it becomes

(37:10):
something that's more of apersonal issue between me and
you that we're all of a suddenwe're going to be arguing over.
Yeah we're going to be fightingover and a lot of times we put
those boundaries in place in theincorrect fashion, you know, in
the wrong way, and it comesback to what we discussed again
in our series that we finishedhere not too long ago the four
laws of love.

(37:31):
It comes back to we have to doeverything through the lens of
God, no matter what we do in ourmarriage and what we do in our
life.
If we can look at that throughthe way that God sees it and
then we place those boundariesor you know those points of what
we need for respect, or youknow whatever trust, whatever it
may be if we put those in placewith God's process in the

(37:55):
middle of it, then both of us asChristian spouses would be able
to see that and understand whythose are there.
And to me, if I know that it'sa God thing and it's going to
help you, even in your spiritualrelationship with the Lord or
your church life or whatever itmay be, if I look at it that way
, then I'm even going to be morerespectful of that boundary

(38:19):
because I know it's helping youand I think vice versa.
You know you look at myboundaries that way.
You know that that's what helpsme to grow relationally,
morally and spiritually, thenyou're going to do whatever you
can to support that.
Grow relationally, morally andspiritually then you're going to
do whatever you can to supportthat, and so that's what's
important, I think, to rememberis that if we do these
boundaries properly in God's way, then those things will help us
to grow in all of our differentaspects of our life, which then

(38:42):
makes us be better spousesRight and makes us become better
partners in our marriage.

Absolutely.

So a couple of questions here to wrap this up
for this week.
How do healthy boundaries inmarriage mirror God's boundaries
?
Won't you share that with us?

Healthy boundaries in marriage mirror
God's boundaries because theyare rooted in love, truth and
freedom.
Just as God relates to us, goddoesn't force us to obey him.
He invites us into relationshipand gives clear expectations
and allows consequences by stillloving us unconditionally.

(39:18):
In the same way, healthymarital boundaries are not about
control, but about creating asafe space where both spouses
can thrive, communicate honestlyand grow in trust.
Spouses can thrive, communicatehonestly and grow in trust.
Just as God sets limits toprotect what is holy, boundaries
in marriage protect intimacy,respect and individual

(39:40):
responsibility.
They reflect his character bypromoting love that is both
sacrificial and wise,grace-filled, yet grounded in
truth.
That's so good.

Yeah, there's a lot of important things in those
statements there, especiallyremembering that, as the spouses
, we are going to mess up atsome point.
We're going to do somethingthat's going to make the other
spouse mad, that's going to beupsetting to them, or make a bad
decision or a bad choice that'sgoing to affect the family.
You know there's stuff that'sgoing to happen.
The difference there is how doyou, as the spouse, handle that,

(40:20):
that that was done to or donetowards?
Are you going to fight andargue and cut that other spouse
off for six months?
Are you going tounconditionally love them like
God does?

That's very good .

You know and are you going to give them the grace
and the mercy that God gives uswhen we mess up like that?

It's hard to remember that.

Yeah.

Like when you're in the heat of the moment, yeah
.
And when I was reading that Iwas like why still loving us
unconditionally?
I'm like, hmm, yeahunconditionally.
I'm like hmm you know, you know.

Yeah, because we like to play that blame game.

It's not just in marriage, it's with your
children too.
I mean, it affects your wholearea, your whole life, of how
you treat someone.
Yeah, that was really good.
I really like that.

Yeah, I think if we can go into it.
Looking again, looking at thatlens to where we know none of us
are perfect, so there is goingto be a time that I'm going to
do something that's going to beupsetting to you, or vice versa,
but I have to be spirituallymature enough in my walk with
God for us to be able tocommunicate through that work,
through the issue, and giveforgiveness where it's due, be

(41:26):
truthful with each other andwork that out to where, on the
other side of it, we both growand we both learn from that and
it doesn't happen again, morethan likely.

Yeah.

But that's the importance of understanding how
these boundaries that we put inplace, they mirror what God has
done for us, and so we're justduplicating and replicating that
, what he's done with ourrelationship with him.
We're replicating that betweenme and you now.

Right.

And so it's a it's a fail proof thing.
Really.
God, what God does is perfect.
Now, we mess that up.
As humans we're not perfect,but at the same time, if we go
into it with, you know, the viewthat, hey, this is God ordained
and this is the way that hewants us to do it, I think we're
going to take more ownershipwith it and more responsibility

(42:17):
to make sure that it's doneright, although we may mess up
occasionally.
Obviously, we're going to workthrough that when it happens,
but it could be happen a lotless often, you know.
And the final question here whathappens when we ignore divine
boundaries?
And the final question herewhat happens when we ignore
divine boundaries?
When we ignore those, we stepoutside of God's protective
design and open ourselves tospiritual, emotional and
relational harm.

(42:38):
And how many times have we donethat?
God's boundaries are notarbitrary rules.
They are loving guardrailsmeant to keep us aligned with
his will and shield us fromsin's destructive consequences.
And in all reality, that's whatwe're doing with our own
boundaries.
We're trying to shield you.
If I set a boundary in place,I'm trying to shield you of a

(43:00):
dangerous spot in my life thatcould get triggered if that's
crossed, and the same for you.
You're doing the same thingtowards me.
And as long as we honor thoseboundaries, those triggers
shouldn't get flipped Right, youknow, and so that's what he's
talking about here.
Ignoring them often leads toconfusion, broken trust, guilt
and separation from God's peaceand presence.
So, just as Adam and Eve'schoice to cross God's clear

(43:21):
boundary brought pain andbrokenness into the world, our
disregard for his limits candamage our relationships,
distort our identity and hinderour spiritual growth.
In his mercy, god calls us back, not to control us, but to
restore us the repentance, truthand grace.
That speaks volumes, because Ilove that last line, where he

(43:55):
calls us back, not to control us, but he does it to restore
everything about ourrelationship, from all different
sides of it, and I think thatspeaks volumes towards a
marriage.
Because they're not.
My boundaries are not there tocontrol you.
You know you are who you are,divinely created in God's image.
He gave you your own mind, yourown thought process.
He created you, you.
He created me, me just the sameway.
Neither one of us.
We're both on an equal plane.

(44:16):
We've talked about this beforealready as well.
And so when these boundaries,when they're taken care of like
they should be and we look atthem in the light of how they're
supposed to be looked at, asthey are, god placed and God
ordained, then me and you remainequals.
Yeah, and you're not going tocontrol me.
I'm not going to control you.
We're just going to acknowledgeeach other's boundaries and

(44:37):
we're going to work throughthose spiritually, relationally
and morally.
And if all of that happens andfalls into place, then you have
a good marriage and respect.
The respect goes through theroof at that point, because what
you say matters and what I saymatters.

Right right.

And we're able to communicate and meet in the
middle, you know?
And so if we ignore theboundaries that God has put into
place and kind of push them tothe side because we think those
aren't important, then inessence what we're saying is my
boundaries with you and yourswith me are not important either
.
You know, we're just going topush those to the side and then

(45:16):
the chaos.
Yeah, that's when the chaoshappens.
That's why divorces happen,that's why separations happen,
that's why affairs happen,because those boundaries were
not respected.

Right.

And the lines were crossed, and so we have to keep
in our minds where God's at.
It has been really eye openingfor me.
Yeah, you know, and it's a big.

this is a big deal to God, I mean I just I
mean obviously we have ourboundaries, but I mean we've not
really, you know, because wehave such a great marriage.
But I'm not Holy schmoly.
This has been really good.
I mean really good.

And hopefully you guys have gleaned something from
this.
And again, we'd love to hearfrom you guys If you can add to
any of this, because obviouslythis is just touching the tip of
the iceberg.
If you all can add anything tothese discussions, please do.
We'd love to hear some otherpeople's thoughts and some other
people's opinions.
We have a Facebook page thatyou can go to or our X page.

(46:37):
You can make comments on eitherof those and join in on the
conversation.
And we'd love to hear from youguys on all of that, because
Michelle and I, you know, wekeep saying we get along great
and we've got a great marriage,but we're still growing, we're
still learning.
Absolutely.
People tell us stuff all thetime that we're like hey, that's
a good idea, you know it's likeEspecially if you've walked
through something that's helpedyou.

I mean I'm always willing to learn.
I mean I'll take anything fromanybody.

You know, if it's to help our marriage and grow
our marriage or to help otherpeople, you better believe it
and we can share it later on afuture episode, absolutely so
well, we're going to go aheadand wrap up this week then and
we'll come back and next weekwe'll continue this discussion
and we're going to start digginginto some specific types of

(47:26):
boundaries and work through someof those boundaries and ask
some questions and answer somequestions, and so if you want to
catch that, you're going toneed to be here for the next
episode.
Make sure you subscribe so youdon't miss any of those episodes
.
And, as I mentioned earlier, Iwas going to mention to you we
do have coming up here in thefuture.
It's going to be a few weeksaway, but Michelle and I we're
working on a new series thatwe're going to be doing and it's

(47:48):
going to be.
It's going to be calledMarriage Reset how to become
soulmates when you're roommates,going from roommates to being a
soulmate.
So that's what we're going tobe talking about.
It'll be another extendedseries, like we did with the
Four Laws of Love.
A lot of marriages get stagnantand they get into going through

(48:09):
the motions and they forget thereason that they got married in
the first place and, before youknow it, it's almost like you're
just roommates, existing witheach other sharing, you know,
paying shared rent and a lot ofpeople don't know how to get
themselves back out of that holewhen that happens.
But you have to do it becauseit's dangerous for your marriage
if you remain in that state.

(48:29):
So this study that we're goingto do is going to hopefully help
any of you that's having thatissue work through that and how
to get back to being a soulmate,the way that God designed our
marriage to be.
So that's on the back burner forthe time being.
It's going to be coming up heresoon, so we're going to go
ahead and call this week a wrap.

(48:49):
Coming up here soon, so we'regoing to go ahead and call this
week a wrap and we just praythat after this week's episode,
that your marriage is strongerand your walk with God is closer
and this is an extension ofConnecting the Gap Ministries
and we pray that you have ablessed week.

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.css-14f5ked{margin:0;word-break:break-word;display:-webkit-box;-webkit-box-orient:vertical;box-orient:vertical;-webkit-line-clamp:2;overflow:hidden;}Is it ok for Your Spouse to Control You? - 239