January 21, 2025 • 32 mins
Marriage is under scrutiny, with many young adults questioning its relevance today. Does this age-old institution still hold value in our modern lives? Our latest episode of the Married AF podcast tackles this provocative question head-on, using a shocking story about a partner who vanished for five weeks without a trace, leaving their spouse in distress. Through this narrative, we shine a light on the critical signs of emotional detachment and the importance of open, honest communication in relationships. We explore how recognizing early warnings, like a lack of shared communication or growing indifference, can prevent such heart-wrenching situations.
Do you know how to spot the signs of relationship strain before it's too late? We take you through crucial red flags that could indicate a disconnection between partners, including indifference during conflicts and a diminishing interest in intimacy. Addressing these issues with empathy and support is essential for healing and strengthening bonds. We also share insights on how to rekindle intimacy, even when past traumas or body image concerns come into play. There's a lot to unpack, from the subtlety of secretive behavior to the power of mutual concern in resolving conflicts.
To keep your relationship vibrant and fulfilling, engaging in activities that build trust and intimacy is vital. We offer practical advice on expressing gratitude, creating shared experiences, and even the art of timing when sharing personal news. Emphasizing the value of humor and shared memories, like that unforgettable Applebee's date, we also discuss the spiritual dimension of gratitude and trust. Join us as we navigate these complex themes, ensuring you have the tools to nurture a healthy, connected partnership.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
How to be able to see that your relationship has
emotional detachment, absence inyour relationship.
One of you is perhaps justcompletely silent, completely
gone, not interested at all.
I've got ways to be able todetect that and then things that
we can do to be able to preventthat from happening, that we
(00:24):
can do to be able to preventthat from happening.
Speaker 2 (00:29):
Here's a question for you Is marriage overrated?
Speaker 1 (00:32):
Why aren't people getting married anymore?
Speaker 2 (00:38):
A new Pew Research poll found that two in five
young adults think marriage isan outdated tradition.
Speaker 1 (00:41):
Marriage rates are at their lowest right now, is
marriage really even worth it?
More than half of marriages endin divorce.
Speaker 2 (00:48):
If you get married, you have to be stuck with this
person for the rest of your life, right?
That's why you get married, sothat's why it's declining.
Why would you get married ifyou don't?
If you want to have just onepartner when you can have
multiple Marriage is stupid.
Speaker 1 (01:02):
Welcome to the Married AF podcast podcast, the
self-proclaimed greatestmarriage and relationship
podcast in the world.
We are your host, matthew andmonica powers baby yep we're
here today.
Okay, how to be able to see thatyour relationship has emotional
(01:23):
detachment, absence in yourrelationship has emotional
detachment, absence in yourrelationship, one of you is
perhaps just completely silent,completely gone, not interested
at all.
I've got ways to be able todetect that and then things that
we can do to be able to preventthat from happening.
And it all stems from a storythat I read a while ago that I'm
(01:47):
going to read first, and thisis like a whole nother next
level of it all.
But it led me to think okay,this happened and this is an
extreme, but this happens inpeople's relationships where one
person is just completelydetached, they're not interested
and it seems like they'recompletely absent from the
relationship.
Speaker 2 (02:06):
Okay, I'm going to need to hear the story, because
what I'm hearing is not arelationship.
Speaker 1 (02:11):
Well, one would think , and this is going to take it
to another level.
So here's the story.
Six weeks ago, my husband ofalmost three years took off.
I came home from work to findhim standing in the kitchen with
a suitcase, saying that it wasnothing personal, but he needed
to get away for a while, andthen he left.
(02:33):
I didn't hear from him or seehim for five weeks.
I was hurt because I was alsofrantic with worry.
I thought we were very happyand this came completely out of
the blue.
He didn't go to work.
They said he had taken a leaveof absence, hadn't spoken to any
of our friends about this, andhis parents claimed he wasn't in
(02:53):
touch with them.
He came back last Thursday.
He refuses to answer anyquestions about where he was and
what he was doing.
He is also a little angry withme for involving our friends and
family in his personal business.
I am torn between thinking thathe was having some kind of
crisis and thinking that hespent the last five and a half
(03:15):
weeks with another woman.
Now that he's home, he seems towant me to forget that this
ever happened and pick up rightwhere we left off.
I've told him that he needs totell me where he's been, what
he's done, or he can leave again.
He says he's not talking aboutit anymore and he's not going
anywhere.
What are your thoughts on thatstory?
Speaker 2 (03:46):
You disappear for five weeks.
You better be dead.
Speaker 1 (03:53):
Without wanting to say a word about it.
Speaker 2 (03:55):
Now Does it say what kind of job he has?
Speaker 1 (04:02):
No, no, it does not.
Speaker 2 (04:03):
Because I do know that If you are in some kind of
military service type ofsituation, if you are in that
type of job where you just theymake you drop everything you're
doing, you're doing some kind ofsecret job or something you
(04:24):
can't talk about it.
Speaker 1 (04:25):
But that would be for me, that would be a if that
were us.
Speaker 2 (04:29):
I gotta go to work.
Speaker 1 (04:30):
Let's hypothetically say that were us and I'm
standing in the kitchen with abag, I'm not gonna say, hey, I
need to take off for a littlewhile.
It's gonna be a.
I have to go to work and I'mgonna be gone for a little while
and that's.
You would know at that pointlike okay, but this leads
(04:51):
nothing to believe that True,I'm going to say not this dude
to me.
Let's hypothetically say thisguy going to work a finance job
and he's just miserable.
And the reason I finance, whynot?
finance miserable I don't know,but why not?
There's some sort of financejob, okay, and he goes to work
(05:12):
in an office every day and hehates his job, which has caused
him to hate his life and hatehis wife, and he just needs to
get away and do his own thingfor a little while.
That's what I picture.
I picture some business guycoming home saying I've had it,
I deserve better, the grass isgreener, I'm going to get me
some hot, young 20-something andwe're going to do whatever we
(05:33):
want, however we want.
That's what I picture out ofthis.
No doubt he was with anotherwoman for five and a half weeks.
Are you kidding me right now?
Speaker 2 (05:40):
You're telling me that there was no paper trail to
finding this dude.
Speaker 1 (05:44):
Supposedly she called friends family.
Speaker 2 (05:47):
I'm not talking about friends, I'm talking about bank
accounts.
Credit card statement.
Speaker 1 (05:52):
I say, that's where I would go.
Speaker 2 (05:53):
Where's your location on his phone or something else?
Speaker 1 (05:59):
To me how can you go away for six weeks and just
disappear and nobody have a cluewhere you are, what's going on,
what it's about?
How can you leave your wife forthis amount of time and then
just show back up at home Like,hey, I'm back.
Speaker 2 (06:18):
What's for dinner right when we left off.
But he's pissed off because shegot family and friends involved
.
Speaker 1 (06:25):
In his personal business.
You selfish piece of crap.
That's not my initial response.
Now we don't know the wholestory.
This is all that the articlesaid and neither here nor there.
This is stupid.
Speaker 2 (06:42):
Does it give an?
Speaker 1 (06:43):
age for no.
Speaker 2 (06:45):
Because, you know well, they've only been married
for three years.
But that doesn't mean.
Speaker 1 (06:49):
They could be 21 years old, they could be in
their 40s, I don't know.
Speaker 2 (06:52):
It doesn't say anything about having children.
Speaker 1 (06:54):
No, no.
Speaker 2 (07:06):
But I just I can't imagine you just show back up
like, hey, honeysys, what's fordinner what person with any type
of real functioning brain canthink that that's okay, but
that's, she's obviously not okaywith it?
Speaker 1 (07:11):
clearly not.
She doesn't need to be butshe's still there get your rear
end out of this house right now.
Speaker 2 (07:16):
You tell me everything that happened or you
go and never see me, ever againif you showed, if this, if this
were something that happened tome, where you just disappeared
and came back five weeks later,you would come home to an empty
house.
Speaker 1 (07:35):
Or I would come home and no one would ever see or
hear from me ever again.
I'd be a dead man.
Speaker 2 (07:40):
You were gone for five weeks and nobody knew where
you were.
We're going to challenge thatfor the rest of your life so.
Speaker 1 (07:47):
But that article led me to believe now this is an
extreme, crazy situation that Ithink is hopefully extremely
rare.
But it led me to believe thathe apparently was so unhappy
that he just, instead ofcreating distance that we
normally see in a relationshipwhere a little standoff is, you
(08:09):
feel like you're growing apart.
You feel like you're roommates.
We see that all the time.
Dude just picked up and he'sjust gone and just left.
So it made me think okay, whenyou have absence in the
relationship, most of the timepeople are going to say it just
kind of happened out of nowhere.
But I believe that there areusually going to be signs that
were all along the way that wewere just blind to, we didn't
(08:32):
want to see them to prevent thisfrom happening.
So I've got several things,several signs for you to be able
to see.
Are we becoming distanced inour relationship?
Now you're going to have gooddays and bad days and and some
days just feel like man, but forreal absence and distancing
relationship, for you to feelthat that should be something
that you you see, um.
(08:53):
So here here's some things tobe able to recognize that your
spouse no longer will share hisor her problems with you, and I
totally agree with that.
Speaker 2 (09:05):
I could see that.
Because we're, they don't careto talk to you about it.
Speaker 1 (09:10):
You're supposed to be for each other, yeah, and like
you're the first person I'mgoing to come to with anything,
and vice versa.
And that's how mostrelationships need to work when
you and your spouse, you canopenly talk about things.
When there are problems,whether it's personal or it's in
your relationship with the kids, at work, family, whatever you
come to your spouse, you talkabout it and they help you work
(09:31):
through it.
I agree, I think the momentthat you start noticing where
you can tell your spouse isbothered by something and they
begin to kind of draw back andthey're not sharing their
problems with you and they giveyou just the fine answer.
I think that is a red flag andit's saying maybe there's
something going on here now thathappens always with the female
(09:55):
fine.
Speaker 2 (09:57):
Most of the time they just want you to dig in a
little deeper and ask morequestions I mean good lord.
Speaker 1 (10:03):
That is a whole nother topic for another day
which is.
I have thoughts on that and wedo not have the time to be able
to discuss that.
In the end, that's not even aword.
How furious I get when thathappens.
But I think if it's somethingyou begin to see as a pattern
that happens over time and overtime, that's a red flag that
(10:23):
pops up to say okay, what'sgoing on.
Speaker 2 (10:26):
Not just once, but multiple times.
Speaker 1 (10:29):
It could be once where you know, like how's
everything, fine, you can tellnow there's something going on,
a one-off thing's going tohappen.
That's just human nature.
We kind of shut off and do that.
But when it's consistently, andyou consistently see your
spouses no longer sharing theirproblems with you and seeking
advice from you, I think thatthat is a red flag that, hey,
there's some distance that'sbeing created and a wedge that's
(10:49):
being driven in yourrelationship.
The second one that you findthat your spouse is unmoved by
any show of emotions.
That if your spouse like if youcame to me and you're visibly
upset about something andsomething has hurt you, you know
you're, you're crying, you're,you're angry, you're frustrated,
whatever there's, there's somea real emotional thing going on.
(11:13):
And if I'm just deadpan like,yeah, well, that that stinks
that has happened to me beforewith you mm-hmm, it's not a good
thing.
Speaker 2 (11:27):
It was very recent.
Speaker 1 (11:28):
What was it?
Maybe I don't.
Speaker 2 (11:31):
We got live on air I lit you up the next morning
because of it.
What was it?
I was having a very bad dream.
It was so real and I woke upcrying, to the point where I
went to check on our children,that they were still here.
And my dream did not come true.
(11:53):
I get back in bed sobbing, youremember now?
Speaker 1 (11:59):
I remember.
Speaker 2 (12:00):
But I get in bed and I'm always, you're always like
baby, wake me up if you have abad dream, and you usually
console me.
I mean, it's very rare, oh Itotally remember.
Speaker 1 (12:14):
I completely blew you off.
Speaker 2 (12:15):
You.
Just I tried to snuggle and getyou to pay attention.
You pushed me to the other sideof the bed.
And I just turned over listen,my emotions went from sad to
pissed off in less than 0.2seconds listen in my defense.
Speaker 1 (12:31):
I was dead asleep when this was going on.
A freaking tornado could havecome through the bedroom I'd had
I'd been unbothered, had paidno attention whatsoever.
But so, yeah, I didn't show youany type of emotion when you
were going to.
That's when I was completelyunmoved and you in my defense.
Speaker 2 (12:50):
I was exhausted, I was passed out, I was in my deep
, deep sleep yeah, because thenext morning when I lit into you
, you had no idea that ithappened.
You were like oh, baby, I'm sosorry.
I was like get away from me.
Speaker 1 (13:04):
Now listen.
This isn't as bad, but this isalmost as bad as when your wife
gets mad at you for somethingyou did in her dreams that you
got nothing to do with.
Speaker 2 (13:12):
I've done that.
Speaker 1 (13:15):
Every woman's done that at some point in time, Like
how dare you do that to me in?
Speaker 2 (13:18):
my dream.
Speaker 1 (13:24):
It's like what are you talking about?
Well, I I always say let metell you what your dream guy did
.
Speaker 2 (13:26):
Last night I got no control over him, but I'm
looking at the guy that looksjust like the dream guy not my
fault.
Speaker 1 (13:33):
So, yeah, all right, you saw, yeah, I did kind of I
was unmoved by your emotions,but in my defense, I was in in a
deep, deep sleep and anythingcould have happened and I would
have had no clue that was goingon.
That is true.
But if your spouse is awake andthey're aware that things are
happening and you come to themwith emotions, they're unmoved
by.
Yeah, that's something that'sdefinitely going on.
(13:54):
The third one if they'reindifferent to solving any type
of conflict mutually, where ifyou're having a disagreement
about something and they'recompletely indifferent, like I
could care less if we getthrough this, like I know we're
not on the same page aboutsomething and I don't care if we
solve this or not, I'm going togo on and do my thing.
I think that is also a huge redflag where, if your spouse is
(14:19):
just they don't care, they'reindifferent, they're not worried
about it, like okay, we woulddisagree, we'll agree to
disagree, go on and let's do ourown thing, doesn't matter,
yikes.
That's going to create some hugedistance in your relationship.
Speaker 2 (14:32):
No, we've been at that point, but it wasn't
something that mattered.
No, like you would want, youwould think this is the right
way, and I would think this isthe right way, and it wouldn't
be an argument to the point ofit doesn't matter, move on that
it would affect the relationship.
Speaker 1 (14:50):
No.
Speaker 2 (14:51):
And those are okay, because not everybody's going to
agree on everything.
Yes, but when it's somethingthat is serious and it's a
continued thing and it's notever going to be solved and you
can't just be okay with it, LikeI'm okay with you not agreeing
(15:11):
with me on certain things.
Speaker 1 (15:13):
Yeah, I think you're not going to agree with every
little thing.
No, you're not going to be onthe same page with your spouse
about every little thing, andthere will be times where it is
okay to agree, to disagree onsomething.
But when it comes to big things, big ideas, big conflicts,
life-type stuff, yeah, you needto come to some sort of
(15:33):
resolution together and in thosemoments where your spouse is
like I don't care, I'mindifferent about this, oh, I
couldn't imagine that's.
That's just another one where awedge is being driven right
there.
Uh, the number number four.
There's a lack of interest inhaving sex.
You have thoughts?
Speaker 2 (15:57):
I see that in a lot of relationships though.
Speaker 1 (16:00):
Explain.
Speaker 2 (16:00):
There's one that wants it more than the other.
Speaker 1 (16:07):
I mean.
Speaker 2 (16:11):
I think that's true.
Most of the time, though Iguess so, but in a way that it's
affecting the relationship.
Does that make sense?
It does Like, of course youwant sex some more times than
not, but when I want it you'realways going to want it, kind of
(16:32):
thing, and we're all.
I mean, we just have a veryhealthy sex life.
That's not a secret, happyabout it Very.
But there are the people that,well, it's my birthday, I'm
gonna get.
I'm gonna get mine tonight mybirthday booty.
I'm gonna get valentine's daybooty yeah, it's like I'm gonna
get these yeah this amount oftimes, but there are some cases
(16:56):
where maybe there's some trauma.
Speaker 1 (16:59):
I'm sure.
Speaker 2 (17:00):
And that causes some other issues where most let's be
honest, it's most of the timethe women who have some serious
trauma that has happened and themen want sex.
That's just a need for a man.
Speaker 1 (17:15):
It is.
Speaker 2 (17:16):
It's a basic need it just is, and not all women are
okay with continuing to do ithave sex because they start
thinking about bad things.
You can't let that, that's thepast, you cannot let that
(17:36):
interfere with the relationshipthat you have, especially if
it's a healthy relationship.
Speaker 1 (17:43):
Right and that's a very real past for a lot of
people.
I mean, there is trauma thatpeople have to deal with and
there's abuse that people gothrough and maybe went through
when they were much younger andit's coming up now.
Those are things where you needto get the help that you need
to be able to get through that.
Speaker 2 (18:00):
There are people you can talk to over the phone.
Speaker 1 (18:01):
You don't need to hold that in all by yourself.
Your spouse is someone you needto be able to talk to about
that, openly talk to about that,and your spouse needs to be
someone who is supportive of youthrough that.
The street goes both ways onthat.
But if that is you, absolutely,you need professional help.
You need to speak to someoneabout it.
You can't hold it in.
It's not going to work.
Things like that are going tomake it happen Totally, but it
(18:25):
can be just another sign of hey,there's distance being created,
if, especially if you had avery healthy sex life at one
point in time and things havebeen really good, and now all of
a sudden she or he just seemsno longer interested.
Speaker 2 (18:40):
Well, I also see that women after having a baby, even
year to two years after, mightnot be comfortable with their
body Correct.
We've seen a lot of that.
Speaker 1 (18:55):
Yes, we have.
Speaker 2 (18:55):
Where, no matter what , in his eyes she's absolutely
gorgeous, doesn't matter ifshe's gained weight, doesn't
matter if her body has changed.
He still holds her on apedestal.
She can't get past her flaws.
That causes issues becauseshe's not going to want to let
(19:16):
him see her.
So that makes a distance in theone relationship and two.
Sex is not going to happen.
And I've said this before Ifyou don't want him to see have
sex in the dark, Turn off thelights.
Turn off the lights.
He does not care as much as youcare.
Speaker 1 (19:37):
No, in fact I won't say he doesn't care, but he
definitely is not thinking aboutyourself.
What you think about yourself,he is definitely not thinking as
negatively about you as you arethinking about yourself.
Speaker 2 (19:49):
Not at all.
Speaker 1 (19:50):
Not in the least bit.
So that's definitely what I got, just a couple more here.
Secretive behavior, I think, ismaybe red flag, like number one
yeah example, just being verysecretive, being very
non-informative, not going intoany type of detail of course,
hiding phones.
(20:10):
You walk into the room, theyclose their computer real quick,
just kill all their apps realfast.
For you and I we say it a lotour phones are always up like
this.
I mean, they're up, they can beseen by whoever.
We have nothing to hide there.
When a couple especially isthere and you see them face down
, boom, that's just sayingwhat's going on there.
(20:33):
Now I can see if it's in agroup setting or something like
that.
Maybe keep it in your pocket,keep it in your pocket, keep it
in your purse, something likethat.
But just secretive type behavior.
If you're on opposite ends ofthe couch and typically it goes
towards phones and they're justkind of shifted away from you
because I don't want you to seewhat's going on here.
There's only one time where Ithink that that is perfectly
okay and that is if you aretrying to shop for your spouse,
(20:58):
get them something for whateverand surprise them with something
Absolutely Other than that.
Absolutely not.
I mean it should be an openbook both ways.
But if you recognize secretivebehavior where you can just tell
they're not telling you ordisclosing the full story about
something.
I think that's just anotherthing that your spouse is
(21:19):
lacking some transparency there.
Speaker 2 (21:21):
Yeah, if your spouse cannot go through all of your
tech gadgets and see what emailshave been sent or text messages
, the hidden stuff, the privateside of all that, there's
definitely something going onthat you don't want them to know
(21:42):
about, and that is not healthy.
Speaker 1 (21:44):
No, it's not healthy at all.
Two more signs that you'reseeing some absence or going
that direction in yourrelationship Frequent escapes
where your spouse is justconstantly like I need to go for
a walk, just something assimple as that.
It's constant, I need to getout of the house.
Maybe they're sitting in theircar for 10, 15 minutes once they
(22:06):
get home every single day.
Stuff like that.
Frequent potential trips whereI need to have another guy's
weekend.
I need to have another girl'sweekend.
I need to have another this.
I need some me time.
I need some this.
I need some me time.
I need some this.
I need some that.
Where they're just trying tocompletely escape reality and
re-escape what they have goingon right in front of them.
(22:27):
Maybe it's even over committingat work, like I got another
project to work and they'resigning up for all these things
to do at work so they do nothave to come home to you is that
what you think about me when Igo on my girls trips?
every single time.
No, I'm more, I'm more jealous.
So I'm like I want to go, notthe girl's trip side, but I want
to go where you're going,that's fun.
The same place, every singleexactly and it is a little, uh,
(22:50):
infuriating, uh.
The last one is an inability toshare joy, and I think this one
kind of goes back to unmoved byemotions.
Speaker 2 (23:00):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (23:02):
But the inability to be able to share joy, Like when
you go on your girls trips.
I'm kind of funny, sometimesjealous and make jokes about it,
but I'm extremely happy for youto be able to go do that.
Speaker 2 (23:13):
They don't know that I'm on, like these people that
are listening or watching.
Don't understand that my girlstrips are to Disney world.
Yes, they are I guess thatwe're those, the people that
they call Disney adult.
Disney adults Listen is that is, that I don't even know what
that really is.
I've heard that thing where youlike to go to Disney.
I'm sorry, I'm not going toapologize.
(23:34):
I said I'm sorry.
Speaker 1 (23:35):
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.
Speaker 2 (23:37):
I'm sorry, I'm not going to apologize but I'm sorry
yeah.
What's that, demi Lovato?
Sorry, not sorry.
Speaker 1 (23:43):
There you go.
Speaker 2 (23:44):
That's it.
I am not going to apologize forbeing able to one go on those
kind of trips, but we love to gothere and act like a kid.
Speaker 1 (23:56):
Yes, it's fun.
Speaker 2 (24:01):
We also take our kids to act like kids too.
Yes, we do so.
We're always acting like a kidwhen we're at disney world or
disneyland, but we always go todisney world and florida for our
girls trips.
I'd say 80 of the time I'meither texting you or FaceTiming
you because of whatever ishappening in that moment.
(24:22):
I have to share it with you.
Speaker 1 (24:25):
You're sharing that experience with me, even though
I'm 500 miles away, which isgreat, but I'm able to.
Speaker 2 (24:31):
But you're jealous, but at the same time I'm jealous
because I want to be there.
I get to be.
Speaker 1 (24:35):
I'm so happy that you get to be there, that you get
to experience that, that you getto have fun and do that.
And I, if you're unable toshare joy when something
positive happens for your spouseand something as easy as that,
or a promotion at work, or youknow, something great happened
with one of their friends andthey're they're excited about it
If you're unable to share thejoy and not show enthusiasm like
(24:59):
your spouse is and not kind ofmeet their same level and meet
their same energy with somethingthat excites them, then yeah,
that can be something.
Now, again, one-off instancesare going to happen with all of
this stuff.
One-off things are going tohappen every step of the way.
But it's when you notice apattern and you see something
consistently happening over andover and over again.
That's the moment where it saysthere's something going on.
(25:21):
I don't know what it is, butthere's something going on here
now.
Speaker 2 (25:25):
Some of the times when you might want to read the
room on a situation, when youwant to share some good news and
your spouse is maybe feelingbad, had a really bad day.
It's not something that youwant to cheer them up with, in a
sense, yeah let me tell youabout the amazing thing that
happened to me today.
Speaker 1 (25:42):
I'm sorry, you had a terrible day but let me tell you
what happened to me Exactly.
Speaker 2 (25:45):
Don't do that.
That's what's going to kill,that.
You're going to be a joy kill.
Speaker 1 (25:50):
Yes, you most certainly are.
Speaker 2 (25:51):
So don't read the room.
Know your audience on.
Should I share this informationof joy at this moment or wait
because it can wait?
Speaker 1 (26:02):
Yes, it most certainly can wait.
You'll read the room, find theright time.
There's a time and place foreverything and that's important
to do that.
So if you're experiencing thatyou've noticed some of these red
flags, it's definitely time totake a look and just kind of
dissect everything, takeinventory of where you and your
spouse are.
But I've got a few things herethat this is a way to kind of
(26:24):
overcome that.
If you're recognizing that stuff, there's just small things we
can do, because if these thingsare happening, if you're
noticing these things in yourspouse, I'd be willing to bet
everything we got it's not allon them that there are probably
some things internally thatwe're doing that is causing that
to happen.
They're not completely off thehook, but it's so hard for us to
(26:49):
look in the mirror and point toourselves and say you know what
I could have contributed tothat, maybe just a little bit.
So to find a good balance there, I think one thing that's
important to do is expressappreciation to each other, even
in the smallest little things.
Little things.
You know, oh, thanks for makingme a sandwich.
You know, thanks for grabbingthis at the store for me.
(27:10):
Oh, thanks for you know,whatever that looks like man.
That can change someone's moodso fast, especially if someone's
feeling distant, seems likethey're distant, if they've had
a bad few weeks.
Man, something so small is justfeeling appreciated can change
the game I agree completelychange the game.
So express, uh, expressappreciation, uh.
(27:33):
The next one engage in newactivities together.
Try something new with eachother.
It could be as simple as tryinga different restaurant.
Instead of going to applebee's,go somewhere else.
You know what I mean?
Okay, ricky, but try new thingstogether and I mean that's
always.
That's something exciting, it'sa, it's an experience that you
(27:56):
get to have together.
It's the first time.
It's something you remember,you can build off of that, you
talk about it.
It brings back a good memory,especially if it's something fun
and exciting and I'm not sayingwe went through anything
difficult for it to happen.
But I think back when we're inHawaii and we did the shark
diving together, I mean that wasan unbelievable new experience,
new activity, something kind ofcrazy, but it's something we'll
(28:19):
always remember, something wecherish, that we did together
and our kids got to do it aswell.
I mean that's a great memory asa family that we can talk about
, we can remember, we can havethat experience, and I mean
that's just a way that it buildscloseness.
Speaker 2 (28:35):
Or you can just go to Applebee's and dress up really
fancy.
Speaker 1 (28:39):
Or you can go to Applebee's and dress up really
fancy.
Speaker 2 (28:41):
You don't get it, it's okay.
No, I don't get it, it's okay.
No, I don't get it.
It's a song Fancy.
I think it's fancy, likeApplebee's.
Speaker 1 (28:48):
Applebee's is so far from fancy, but I love some
Applebee's.
Speaker 2 (28:51):
It's a country song, Matthew.
Speaker 1 (28:52):
Makes sense.
Okay, yeah, I don't know thatsong.
I know, did Travis Tritt singit?
Speaker 2 (28:58):
I honestly don't know who sings it.
Speaker 1 (28:59):
See.
Speaker 2 (29:01):
I just know her nephew sings it.
Speaker 1 (29:03):
Well, if it's a country song, what I know about
country Travis Tritt definitelysang that song.
So engage in new activities,matthew.
Speaker 2 (29:12):
Applebee's was our first date.
Speaker 1 (29:13):
Applebee's is awesome .
Speaker 2 (29:14):
The quesadilla burger they used to have we dressed
fancy.
Speaker 1 (29:17):
It was homecoming.
That's what you did.
Speaker 2 (29:19):
You went to Applebee's for homecoming.
Speaker 1 (29:21):
Because Applebee's was fancy at that time for us.
We didn't have any fancyrestaurants around us at all.
Are you kidding me?
What are you going to do?
Go to Applebee's or O'Charlie's?
Those are your two spots.
You got no choice.
So you engage in new activitiestogether, because that will
help you with the third one.
It rebuilds trust.
Rebuild trust with each other.
(29:43):
And how do you do that?
Eng, engage in new activitieswith each other.
Try something new, take a risk.
Speaker 2 (29:49):
I'm not telling you to go jump in a shark tank and
go swimming with sharks.
Speaker 1 (29:52):
That takes a little bit of trust.
Speaker 2 (29:54):
Maybe just stress-facing at Applebee's,
maybe just stress-facing atApplebee's and the last one.
Speaker 1 (29:59):
practice empathy with each other.
Speaker 2 (30:01):
Oh, that's tough, I know that's tough, other oh
that's tough.
Speaker 1 (30:02):
I know that's tough.
We talked about that in ourlast episode, but practicing
empathy is so important,especially when you see the crap
that goes on today.
People are dealing with a lotof stuff.
Your spouse is dealing with alot of stuff.
Be empathetic to theirsituation and what's going on.
Listen to them, hear them outand we talked about it the last
episode.
If you don't want to talk aboutit, go back and listen to the
(30:23):
last episode, because we need topractice empathy with each
other so badly.
So those are things I thinkthat can easily signs, you can
easily see that could cause someabsenteeism in your
relationship, some emotionaldistance, emotional detachment
with each other.
That, frankly, is just nothealthy for you.
It's not good for you.
Speaker 2 (30:44):
I agree.
Speaker 1 (30:45):
So do you have anything you want to add?
Baby, as I shut my laptop realquick so you can't look at it-
You're a nerd.
Speaker 2 (30:54):
I love my nerd.
Speaker 1 (30:55):
I'm so glad that you do.
Shall we leave.
Speaker 2 (30:58):
We live here.
Speaker 1 (30:59):
Well, you know what I mean.
Until next time married AF.
Internet audience.
Speaker 2 (31:05):
You're so funny.
Speaker 1 (31:06):
God we love.
I mean until next time.
Married AF internet audience.
God, we love you.
We are so thankful for what youdo.
We're thankful for thisplatform that you provided us.
We pray over every singleepisode.
Every single word spoke that itcomes from you and it reaches
the people that need to hear it,and God just take it to those
who need it, and that's reallythe only thing that matters.
We will keep doing this as longas you want it.
We trust you to do what it isthat you can do and go further
(31:29):
than we could ever even imagine,and it's only because of you.
I pray that everything that wedo, you get all the honor, you
get all the glory, because it'sonly because of you.
We love you so much and we areso thankful.
In Jesus name.
How to be able to see that your relationship has
emotional detachment, absence inyour relationship.
One of you is perhaps justcompletely silent, completely
gone, not interested at all.
I've got ways to be able todetect that and then things that
we can do to be able to preventthat from happening, that we
(00:24):
can do to be able to preventthat from happening.
Speaker 2 (00:29):
Here's a question for you Is marriage overrated?
Speaker 1 (00:32):
Why aren't people getting married anymore?
Speaker 2 (00:38):
A new Pew Research poll found that two in five
young adults think marriage isan outdated tradition.
Speaker 1 (00:41):
Marriage rates are at their lowest right now, is
marriage really even worth it?
More than half of marriages endin divorce.
Speaker 2 (00:48):
If you get married, you have to be stuck with this
person for the rest of your life, right?
That's why you get married, sothat's why it's declining.
Why would you get married ifyou don't?
If you want to have just onepartner when you can have
multiple Marriage is stupid.
Speaker 1 (01:02):
Welcome to the Married AF podcast podcast, the
self-proclaimed greatestmarriage and relationship
podcast in the world.
We are your host, matthew andmonica powers baby yep we're
here today.
Okay, how to be able to see thatyour relationship has emotional
(01:23):
detachment, absence in yourrelationship has emotional
detachment, absence in yourrelationship, one of you is
perhaps just completely silent,completely gone, not interested
at all.
I've got ways to be able todetect that and then things that
we can do to be able to preventthat from happening.
And it all stems from a storythat I read a while ago that I'm
(01:47):
going to read first, and thisis like a whole nother next
level of it all.
But it led me to think okay,this happened and this is an
extreme, but this happens inpeople's relationships where one
person is just completelydetached, they're not interested
and it seems like they'recompletely absent from the
relationship.
Speaker 2 (02:06):
Okay, I'm going to need to hear the story, because
what I'm hearing is not arelationship.
Speaker 1 (02:11):
Well, one would think , and this is going to take it
to another level.
So here's the story.
Six weeks ago, my husband ofalmost three years took off.
I came home from work to findhim standing in the kitchen with
a suitcase, saying that it wasnothing personal, but he needed
to get away for a while, andthen he left.
(02:33):
I didn't hear from him or seehim for five weeks.
I was hurt because I was alsofrantic with worry.
I thought we were very happyand this came completely out of
the blue.
He didn't go to work.
They said he had taken a leaveof absence, hadn't spoken to any
of our friends about this, andhis parents claimed he wasn't in
(02:53):
touch with them.
He came back last Thursday.
He refuses to answer anyquestions about where he was and
what he was doing.
He is also a little angry withme for involving our friends and
family in his personal business.
I am torn between thinking thathe was having some kind of
crisis and thinking that hespent the last five and a half
(03:15):
weeks with another woman.
Now that he's home, he seems towant me to forget that this
ever happened and pick up rightwhere we left off.
I've told him that he needs totell me where he's been, what
he's done, or he can leave again.
He says he's not talking aboutit anymore and he's not going
anywhere.
What are your thoughts on thatstory?
Speaker 2 (03:46):
You disappear for five weeks.
You better be dead.
Speaker 1 (03:53):
Without wanting to say a word about it.
Speaker 2 (03:55):
Now Does it say what kind of job he has?
Speaker 1 (04:02):
No, no, it does not.
Speaker 2 (04:03):
Because I do know that If you are in some kind of
military service type ofsituation, if you are in that
type of job where you just theymake you drop everything you're
doing, you're doing some kind ofsecret job or something you
(04:24):
can't talk about it.
Speaker 1 (04:25):
But that would be for me, that would be a if that
were us.
Speaker 2 (04:29):
I gotta go to work.
Speaker 1 (04:30):
Let's hypothetically say that were us and I'm
standing in the kitchen with abag, I'm not gonna say, hey, I
need to take off for a littlewhile.
It's gonna be a.
I have to go to work and I'mgonna be gone for a little while
and that's.
You would know at that pointlike okay, but this leads
(04:51):
nothing to believe that True,I'm going to say not this dude
to me.
Let's hypothetically say thisguy going to work a finance job
and he's just miserable.
And the reason I finance, whynot?
finance miserable I don't know,but why not?
There's some sort of financejob, okay, and he goes to work
(05:12):
in an office every day and hehates his job, which has caused
him to hate his life and hatehis wife, and he just needs to
get away and do his own thingfor a little while.
That's what I picture.
I picture some business guycoming home saying I've had it,
I deserve better, the grass isgreener, I'm going to get me
some hot, young 20-something andwe're going to do whatever we
(05:33):
want, however we want.
That's what I picture out ofthis.
No doubt he was with anotherwoman for five and a half weeks.
Are you kidding me right now?
Speaker 2 (05:40):
You're telling me that there was no paper trail to
finding this dude.
Speaker 1 (05:44):
Supposedly she called friends family.
Speaker 2 (05:47):
I'm not talking about friends, I'm talking about bank
accounts.
Credit card statement.
Speaker 1 (05:52):
I say, that's where I would go.
Speaker 2 (05:53):
Where's your location on his phone or something else?
Speaker 1 (05:59):
To me how can you go away for six weeks and just
disappear and nobody have a cluewhere you are, what's going on,
what it's about?
How can you leave your wife forthis amount of time and then
just show back up at home Like,hey, I'm back.
Speaker 2 (06:18):
What's for dinner right when we left off.
But he's pissed off because shegot family and friends involved
.
Speaker 1 (06:25):
In his personal business.
You selfish piece of crap.
That's not my initial response.
Now we don't know the wholestory.
This is all that the articlesaid and neither here nor there.
This is stupid.
Speaker 2 (06:42):
Does it give an?
Speaker 1 (06:43):
age for no.
Speaker 2 (06:45):
Because, you know well, they've only been married
for three years.
But that doesn't mean.
Speaker 1 (06:49):
They could be 21 years old, they could be in
their 40s, I don't know.
Speaker 2 (06:52):
It doesn't say anything about having children.
Speaker 1 (06:54):
No, no.
Speaker 2 (07:06):
But I just I can't imagine you just show back up
like, hey, honeysys, what's fordinner what person with any type
of real functioning brain canthink that that's okay, but
that's, she's obviously not okaywith it?
Speaker 1 (07:11):
clearly not.
She doesn't need to be butshe's still there get your rear
end out of this house right now.
Speaker 2 (07:16):
You tell me everything that happened or you
go and never see me, ever againif you showed, if this, if this
were something that happened tome, where you just disappeared
and came back five weeks later,you would come home to an empty
house.
Speaker 1 (07:35):
Or I would come home and no one would ever see or
hear from me ever again.
I'd be a dead man.
Speaker 2 (07:40):
You were gone for five weeks and nobody knew where
you were.
We're going to challenge thatfor the rest of your life so.
Speaker 1 (07:47):
But that article led me to believe now this is an
extreme, crazy situation that Ithink is hopefully extremely
rare.
But it led me to believe thathe apparently was so unhappy
that he just, instead ofcreating distance that we
normally see in a relationshipwhere a little standoff is, you
(08:09):
feel like you're growing apart.
You feel like you're roommates.
We see that all the time.
Dude just picked up and he'sjust gone and just left.
So it made me think okay, whenyou have absence in the
relationship, most of the timepeople are going to say it just
kind of happened out of nowhere.
But I believe that there areusually going to be signs that
were all along the way that wewere just blind to, we didn't
(08:32):
want to see them to prevent thisfrom happening.
So I've got several things,several signs for you to be able
to see.
Are we becoming distanced inour relationship?
Now you're going to have gooddays and bad days and and some
days just feel like man, but forreal absence and distancing
relationship, for you to feelthat that should be something
that you you see, um.
(08:53):
So here here's some things tobe able to recognize that your
spouse no longer will share hisor her problems with you, and I
totally agree with that.
Speaker 2 (09:05):
I could see that.
Because we're, they don't careto talk to you about it.
Speaker 1 (09:10):
You're supposed to be for each other, yeah, and like
you're the first person I'mgoing to come to with anything,
and vice versa.
And that's how mostrelationships need to work when
you and your spouse, you canopenly talk about things.
When there are problems,whether it's personal or it's in
your relationship with the kids, at work, family, whatever you
come to your spouse, you talkabout it and they help you work
(09:31):
through it.
I agree, I think the momentthat you start noticing where
you can tell your spouse isbothered by something and they
begin to kind of draw back andthey're not sharing their
problems with you and they giveyou just the fine answer.
I think that is a red flag andit's saying maybe there's
something going on here now thathappens always with the female
(09:55):
fine.
Speaker 2 (09:57):
Most of the time they just want you to dig in a
little deeper and ask morequestions I mean good lord.
Speaker 1 (10:03):
That is a whole nother topic for another day
which is.
I have thoughts on that and wedo not have the time to be able
to discuss that.
In the end, that's not even aword.
How furious I get when thathappens.
But I think if it's somethingyou begin to see as a pattern
that happens over time and overtime, that's a red flag that
(10:23):
pops up to say okay, what'sgoing on.
Speaker 2 (10:26):
Not just once, but multiple times.
Speaker 1 (10:29):
It could be once where you know, like how's
everything, fine, you can tellnow there's something going on,
a one-off thing's going tohappen.
That's just human nature.
We kind of shut off and do that.
But when it's consistently, andyou consistently see your
spouses no longer sharing theirproblems with you and seeking
advice from you, I think thatthat is a red flag that, hey,
there's some distance that'sbeing created and a wedge that's
(10:49):
being driven in yourrelationship.
The second one that you findthat your spouse is unmoved by
any show of emotions.
That if your spouse like if youcame to me and you're visibly
upset about something andsomething has hurt you, you know
you're, you're crying, you're,you're angry, you're frustrated,
whatever there's, there's somea real emotional thing going on.
(11:13):
And if I'm just deadpan like,yeah, well, that that stinks
that has happened to me beforewith you mm-hmm, it's not a good
thing.
Speaker 2 (11:27):
It was very recent.
Speaker 1 (11:28):
What was it?
Maybe I don't.
Speaker 2 (11:31):
We got live on air I lit you up the next morning
because of it.
What was it?
I was having a very bad dream.
It was so real and I woke upcrying, to the point where I
went to check on our children,that they were still here.
And my dream did not come true.
(11:53):
I get back in bed sobbing, youremember now?
Speaker 1 (11:59):
I remember.
Speaker 2 (12:00):
But I get in bed and I'm always, you're always like
baby, wake me up if you have abad dream, and you usually
console me.
I mean, it's very rare, oh Itotally remember.
Speaker 1 (12:14):
I completely blew you off.
Speaker 2 (12:15):
You.
Just I tried to snuggle and getyou to pay attention.
You pushed me to the other sideof the bed.
And I just turned over listen,my emotions went from sad to
pissed off in less than 0.2seconds listen in my defense.
Speaker 1 (12:31):
I was dead asleep when this was going on.
A freaking tornado could havecome through the bedroom I'd had
I'd been unbothered, had paidno attention whatsoever.
But so, yeah, I didn't show youany type of emotion when you
were going to.
That's when I was completelyunmoved and you in my defense.
Speaker 2 (12:50):
I was exhausted, I was passed out, I was in my deep
, deep sleep yeah, because thenext morning when I lit into you
, you had no idea that ithappened.
You were like oh, baby, I'm sosorry.
I was like get away from me.
Speaker 1 (13:04):
Now listen.
This isn't as bad, but this isalmost as bad as when your wife
gets mad at you for somethingyou did in her dreams that you
got nothing to do with.
Speaker 2 (13:12):
I've done that.
Speaker 1 (13:15):
Every woman's done that at some point in time, Like
how dare you do that to me in?
Speaker 2 (13:18):
my dream.
Speaker 1 (13:24):
It's like what are you talking about?
Well, I I always say let metell you what your dream guy did
.
Speaker 2 (13:26):
Last night I got no control over him, but I'm
looking at the guy that looksjust like the dream guy not my
fault.
Speaker 1 (13:33):
So, yeah, all right, you saw, yeah, I did kind of I
was unmoved by your emotions,but in my defense, I was in in a
deep, deep sleep and anythingcould have happened and I would
have had no clue that was goingon.
That is true.
But if your spouse is awake andthey're aware that things are
happening and you come to themwith emotions, they're unmoved
by.
Yeah, that's something that'sdefinitely going on.
(13:54):
The third one if they'reindifferent to solving any type
of conflict mutually, where ifyou're having a disagreement
about something and they'recompletely indifferent, like I
could care less if we getthrough this, like I know we're
not on the same page aboutsomething and I don't care if we
solve this or not, I'm going togo on and do my thing.
I think that is also a huge redflag where, if your spouse is
(14:19):
just they don't care, they'reindifferent, they're not worried
about it, like okay, we woulddisagree, we'll agree to
disagree, go on and let's do ourown thing, doesn't matter,
yikes.
That's going to create some hugedistance in your relationship.
Speaker 2 (14:32):
No, we've been at that point, but it wasn't
something that mattered.
No, like you would want, youwould think this is the right
way, and I would think this isthe right way, and it wouldn't
be an argument to the point ofit doesn't matter, move on that
it would affect the relationship.
Speaker 1 (14:50):
No.
Speaker 2 (14:51):
And those are okay, because not everybody's going to
agree on everything.
Yes, but when it's somethingthat is serious and it's a
continued thing and it's notever going to be solved and you
can't just be okay with it, LikeI'm okay with you not agreeing
(15:11):
with me on certain things.
Speaker 1 (15:13):
Yeah, I think you're not going to agree with every
little thing.
No, you're not going to be onthe same page with your spouse
about every little thing, andthere will be times where it is
okay to agree, to disagree onsomething.
But when it comes to big things, big ideas, big conflicts,
life-type stuff, yeah, you needto come to some sort of
(15:33):
resolution together and in thosemoments where your spouse is
like I don't care, I'mindifferent about this, oh, I
couldn't imagine that's.
That's just another one where awedge is being driven right
there.
Uh, the number number four.
There's a lack of interest inhaving sex.
You have thoughts?
Speaker 2 (15:57):
I see that in a lot of relationships though.
Speaker 1 (16:00):
Explain.
Speaker 2 (16:00):
There's one that wants it more than the other.
Speaker 1 (16:07):
I mean.
Speaker 2 (16:11):
I think that's true.
Most of the time, though Iguess so, but in a way that it's
affecting the relationship.
Does that make sense?
It does Like, of course youwant sex some more times than
not, but when I want it you'realways going to want it, kind of
(16:32):
thing, and we're all.
I mean, we just have a veryhealthy sex life.
That's not a secret, happyabout it Very.
But there are the people that,well, it's my birthday, I'm
gonna get.
I'm gonna get mine tonight mybirthday booty.
I'm gonna get valentine's daybooty yeah, it's like I'm gonna
get these yeah this amount oftimes, but there are some cases
(16:56):
where maybe there's some trauma.
Speaker 1 (16:59):
I'm sure.
Speaker 2 (17:00):
And that causes some other issues where most let's be
honest, it's most of the timethe women who have some serious
trauma that has happened and themen want sex.
That's just a need for a man.
Speaker 1 (17:15):
It is.
Speaker 2 (17:16):
It's a basic need it just is, and not all women are
okay with continuing to do ithave sex because they start
thinking about bad things.
You can't let that, that's thepast, you cannot let that
(17:36):
interfere with the relationshipthat you have, especially if
it's a healthy relationship.
Speaker 1 (17:43):
Right and that's a very real past for a lot of
people.
I mean, there is trauma thatpeople have to deal with and
there's abuse that people gothrough and maybe went through
when they were much younger andit's coming up now.
Those are things where you needto get the help that you need
to be able to get through that.
Speaker 2 (18:00):
There are people you can talk to over the phone.
Speaker 1 (18:01):
You don't need to hold that in all by yourself.
Your spouse is someone you needto be able to talk to about
that, openly talk to about that,and your spouse needs to be
someone who is supportive of youthrough that.
The street goes both ways onthat.
But if that is you, absolutely,you need professional help.
You need to speak to someoneabout it.
You can't hold it in.
It's not going to work.
Things like that are going tomake it happen Totally, but it
(18:25):
can be just another sign of hey,there's distance being created,
if, especially if you had avery healthy sex life at one
point in time and things havebeen really good, and now all of
a sudden she or he just seemsno longer interested.
Speaker 2 (18:40):
Well, I also see that women after having a baby, even
year to two years after, mightnot be comfortable with their
body Correct.
We've seen a lot of that.
Speaker 1 (18:55):
Yes, we have.
Speaker 2 (18:55):
Where, no matter what , in his eyes she's absolutely
gorgeous, doesn't matter ifshe's gained weight, doesn't
matter if her body has changed.
He still holds her on apedestal.
She can't get past her flaws.
That causes issues becauseshe's not going to want to let
(19:16):
him see her.
So that makes a distance in theone relationship and two.
Sex is not going to happen.
And I've said this before Ifyou don't want him to see have
sex in the dark, Turn off thelights.
Turn off the lights.
He does not care as much as youcare.
Speaker 1 (19:37):
No, in fact I won't say he doesn't care, but he
definitely is not thinking aboutyourself.
What you think about yourself,he is definitely not thinking as
negatively about you as you arethinking about yourself.
Speaker 2 (19:49):
Not at all.
Speaker 1 (19:50):
Not in the least bit.
So that's definitely what I got, just a couple more here.
Secretive behavior, I think, ismaybe red flag, like number one
yeah example, just being verysecretive, being very
non-informative, not going intoany type of detail of course,
hiding phones.
(20:10):
You walk into the room, theyclose their computer real quick,
just kill all their apps realfast.
For you and I we say it a lotour phones are always up like
this.
I mean, they're up, they can beseen by whoever.
We have nothing to hide there.
When a couple especially isthere and you see them face down
, boom, that's just sayingwhat's going on there.
(20:33):
Now I can see if it's in agroup setting or something like
that.
Maybe keep it in your pocket,keep it in your pocket, keep it
in your purse, something likethat.
But just secretive type behavior.
If you're on opposite ends ofthe couch and typically it goes
towards phones and they're justkind of shifted away from you
because I don't want you to seewhat's going on here.
There's only one time where Ithink that that is perfectly
okay and that is if you aretrying to shop for your spouse,
(20:58):
get them something for whateverand surprise them with something
Absolutely Other than that.
Absolutely not.
I mean it should be an openbook both ways.
But if you recognize secretivebehavior where you can just tell
they're not telling you ordisclosing the full story about
something.
I think that's just anotherthing that your spouse is
(21:19):
lacking some transparency there.
Speaker 2 (21:21):
Yeah, if your spouse cannot go through all of your
tech gadgets and see what emailshave been sent or text messages
, the hidden stuff, the privateside of all that, there's
definitely something going onthat you don't want them to know
(21:42):
about, and that is not healthy.
Speaker 1 (21:44):
No, it's not healthy at all.
Two more signs that you'reseeing some absence or going
that direction in yourrelationship Frequent escapes
where your spouse is justconstantly like I need to go for
a walk, just something assimple as that.
It's constant, I need to getout of the house.
Maybe they're sitting in theircar for 10, 15 minutes once they
(22:06):
get home every single day.
Stuff like that.
Frequent potential trips whereI need to have another guy's
weekend.
I need to have another girl'sweekend.
I need to have another this.
I need some me time.
I need some this.
I need some me time.
I need some this.
I need some that.
Where they're just trying tocompletely escape reality and
re-escape what they have goingon right in front of them.
(22:27):
Maybe it's even over committingat work, like I got another
project to work and they'resigning up for all these things
to do at work so they do nothave to come home to you is that
what you think about me when Igo on my girls trips?
every single time.
No, I'm more, I'm more jealous.
So I'm like I want to go, notthe girl's trip side, but I want
to go where you're going,that's fun.
The same place, every singleexactly and it is a little, uh,
(22:50):
infuriating, uh.
The last one is an inability toshare joy, and I think this one
kind of goes back to unmoved byemotions.
Speaker 2 (23:00):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (23:02):
But the inability to be able to share joy, Like when
you go on your girls trips.
I'm kind of funny, sometimesjealous and make jokes about it,
but I'm extremely happy for youto be able to go do that.
Speaker 2 (23:13):
They don't know that I'm on, like these people that
are listening or watching.
Don't understand that my girlstrips are to Disney world.
Yes, they are I guess thatwe're those, the people that
they call Disney adult.
Disney adults Listen is that is, that I don't even know what
that really is.
I've heard that thing where youlike to go to Disney.
I'm sorry, I'm not going toapologize.
(23:34):
I said I'm sorry.
Speaker 1 (23:35):
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.
Speaker 2 (23:37):
I'm sorry, I'm not going to apologize but I'm sorry
yeah.
What's that, demi Lovato?
Sorry, not sorry.
Speaker 1 (23:43):
There you go.
Speaker 2 (23:44):
That's it.
I am not going to apologize forbeing able to one go on those
kind of trips, but we love to gothere and act like a kid.
Speaker 1 (23:56):
Yes, it's fun.
Speaker 2 (24:01):
We also take our kids to act like kids too.
Yes, we do so.
We're always acting like a kidwhen we're at disney world or
disneyland, but we always go todisney world and florida for our
girls trips.
I'd say 80 of the time I'meither texting you or FaceTiming
you because of whatever ishappening in that moment.
(24:22):
I have to share it with you.
Speaker 1 (24:25):
You're sharing that experience with me, even though
I'm 500 miles away, which isgreat, but I'm able to.
Speaker 2 (24:31):
But you're jealous, but at the same time I'm jealous
because I want to be there.
I get to be.
Speaker 1 (24:35):
I'm so happy that you get to be there, that you get
to experience that, that you getto have fun and do that.
And I, if you're unable toshare joy when something
positive happens for your spouseand something as easy as that,
or a promotion at work, or youknow, something great happened
with one of their friends andthey're they're excited about it
If you're unable to share thejoy and not show enthusiasm like
(24:59):
your spouse is and not kind ofmeet their same level and meet
their same energy with somethingthat excites them, then yeah,
that can be something.
Now, again, one-off instancesare going to happen with all of
this stuff.
One-off things are going tohappen every step of the way.
But it's when you notice apattern and you see something
consistently happening over andover and over again.
That's the moment where it saysthere's something going on.
(25:21):
I don't know what it is, butthere's something going on here
now.
Speaker 2 (25:25):
Some of the times when you might want to read the
room on a situation, when youwant to share some good news and
your spouse is maybe feelingbad, had a really bad day.
It's not something that youwant to cheer them up with, in a
sense, yeah let me tell youabout the amazing thing that
happened to me today.
Speaker 1 (25:42):
I'm sorry, you had a terrible day but let me tell you
what happened to me Exactly.
Speaker 2 (25:45):
Don't do that.
That's what's going to kill,that.
You're going to be a joy kill.
Speaker 1 (25:50):
Yes, you most certainly are.
Speaker 2 (25:51):
So don't read the room.
Know your audience on.
Should I share this informationof joy at this moment or wait
because it can wait?
Speaker 1 (26:02):
Yes, it most certainly can wait.
You'll read the room, find theright time.
There's a time and place foreverything and that's important
to do that.
So if you're experiencing thatyou've noticed some of these red
flags, it's definitely time totake a look and just kind of
dissect everything, takeinventory of where you and your
spouse are.
But I've got a few things herethat this is a way to kind of
(26:24):
overcome that.
If you're recognizing that stuff, there's just small things we
can do, because if these thingsare happening, if you're
noticing these things in yourspouse, I'd be willing to bet
everything we got it's not allon them that there are probably
some things internally thatwe're doing that is causing that
to happen.
They're not completely off thehook, but it's so hard for us to
(26:49):
look in the mirror and point toourselves and say you know what
I could have contributed tothat, maybe just a little bit.
So to find a good balance there, I think one thing that's
important to do is expressappreciation to each other, even
in the smallest little things.
Little things.
You know, oh, thanks for makingme a sandwich.
You know, thanks for grabbingthis at the store for me.
(27:10):
Oh, thanks for you know,whatever that looks like man.
That can change someone's moodso fast, especially if someone's
feeling distant, seems likethey're distant, if they've had
a bad few weeks.
Man, something so small is justfeeling appreciated can change
the game I agree completelychange the game.
So express, uh, expressappreciation, uh.
(27:33):
The next one engage in newactivities together.
Try something new with eachother.
It could be as simple as tryinga different restaurant.
Instead of going to applebee's,go somewhere else.
You know what I mean?
Okay, ricky, but try new thingstogether and I mean that's
always.
That's something exciting, it'sa, it's an experience that you
(27:56):
get to have together.
It's the first time.
It's something you remember,you can build off of that, you
talk about it.
It brings back a good memory,especially if it's something fun
and exciting and I'm not sayingwe went through anything
difficult for it to happen.
But I think back when we're inHawaii and we did the shark
diving together, I mean that wasan unbelievable new experience,
new activity, something kind ofcrazy, but it's something we'll
(28:19):
always remember, something wecherish, that we did together
and our kids got to do it aswell.
I mean that's a great memory asa family that we can talk about
, we can remember, we can havethat experience, and I mean
that's just a way that it buildscloseness.
Speaker 2 (28:35):
Or you can just go to Applebee's and dress up really
fancy.
Speaker 1 (28:39):
Or you can go to Applebee's and dress up really
fancy.
Speaker 2 (28:41):
You don't get it, it's okay.
No, I don't get it, it's okay.
No, I don't get it.
It's a song Fancy.
I think it's fancy, likeApplebee's.
Speaker 1 (28:48):
Applebee's is so far from fancy, but I love some
Applebee's.
Speaker 2 (28:51):
It's a country song, Matthew.
Speaker 1 (28:52):
Makes sense.
Okay, yeah, I don't know thatsong.
I know, did Travis Tritt singit?
Speaker 2 (28:58):
I honestly don't know who sings it.
Speaker 1 (28:59):
See.
Speaker 2 (29:01):
I just know her nephew sings it.
Speaker 1 (29:03):
Well, if it's a country song, what I know about
country Travis Tritt definitelysang that song.
So engage in new activities,matthew.
Speaker 2 (29:12):
Applebee's was our first date.
Speaker 1 (29:13):
Applebee's is awesome .
Speaker 2 (29:14):
The quesadilla burger they used to have we dressed
fancy.
Speaker 1 (29:17):
It was homecoming.
That's what you did.
Speaker 2 (29:19):
You went to Applebee's for homecoming.
Speaker 1 (29:21):
Because Applebee's was fancy at that time for us.
We didn't have any fancyrestaurants around us at all.
Are you kidding me?
What are you going to do?
Go to Applebee's or O'Charlie's?
Those are your two spots.
You got no choice.
So you engage in new activitiestogether, because that will
help you with the third one.
It rebuilds trust.
Rebuild trust with each other.
(29:43):
And how do you do that?
Eng, engage in new activitieswith each other.
Try something new, take a risk.
Speaker 2 (29:49):
I'm not telling you to go jump in a shark tank and
go swimming with sharks.
Speaker 1 (29:52):
That takes a little bit of trust.
Speaker 2 (29:54):
Maybe just stress-facing at Applebee's,
maybe just stress-facing atApplebee's and the last one.
Speaker 1 (29:59):
practice empathy with each other.
Speaker 2 (30:01):
Oh, that's tough, I know that's tough, other oh
that's tough.
Speaker 1 (30:02):
I know that's tough.
We talked about that in ourlast episode, but practicing
empathy is so important,especially when you see the crap
that goes on today.
People are dealing with a lotof stuff.
Your spouse is dealing with alot of stuff.
Be empathetic to theirsituation and what's going on.
Listen to them, hear them outand we talked about it the last
episode.
If you don't want to talk aboutit, go back and listen to the
(30:23):
last episode, because we need topractice empathy with each
other so badly.
So those are things I thinkthat can easily signs, you can
easily see that could cause someabsenteeism in your
relationship, some emotionaldistance, emotional detachment
with each other.
That, frankly, is just nothealthy for you.
It's not good for you.
Speaker 2 (30:44):
I agree.
Speaker 1 (30:45):
So do you have anything you want to add?
Baby, as I shut my laptop realquick so you can't look at it-
You're a nerd.
Speaker 2 (30:54):
I love my nerd.
Speaker 1 (30:55):
I'm so glad that you do.
Shall we leave.
Speaker 2 (30:58):
We live here.
Speaker 1 (30:59):
Well, you know what I mean.
Until next time married AF.
Internet audience.
Speaker 2 (31:05):
You're so funny.
Speaker 1 (31:06):
God we love.
I mean until next time.
Married AF internet audience.
God, we love you.
We are so thankful for what youdo.
We're thankful for thisplatform that you provided us.
We pray over every singleepisode.
Every single word spoke that itcomes from you and it reaches
the people that need to hear it,and God just take it to those
who need it, and that's reallythe only thing that matters.
We will keep doing this as longas you want it.
We trust you to do what it isthat you can do and go further
(31:29):
than we could ever even imagine,and it's only because of you.
I pray that everything that wedo, you get all the honor, you
get all the glory, because it'sonly because of you.
We love you so much and we areso thankful.
In Jesus name.
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