April 22, 2025 • 35 mins
Marriage can feel like living with a stranger when we drift from soulmates to roommates. The signs are subtle but unmistakable: conversations become purely logistical about schedules and responsibilities; physical touch feels obligatory rather than passionate; and shared laughter—that vital connection point—becomes rare.
This shift happens when life drowns out our relationship with its constant demands. We give our careers, children, and social obligations our best energy while our spouse gets whatever scraps remain. The mental and emotional distance grows until one day we realize we're just two people sharing space, bills, and maybe children—but not truly sharing our lives.
Moving back from roommates to soulmates begins with honest communication. Not accusatory "you don't" statements, but vulnerable expressions of what you miss and need. Creating a truly non-judgmental space for these conversations is crucial; the moment judgment enters, trust evaporates and doors slam shut.
Three practical steps can reignite your connection: prioritize intentional time together (even simple couch cuddles with phones away count); establish safe communication where both partners feel heard; and rekindle physical touch that feels authentic and meaningful. Even small gestures like hand-holding or meaningful eye contact can begin rebuilding that essential bridge between you.
The most hopeful truth? Every couple experiences this drift at some point. Recognizing it doesn't mean you're broken or doomed—it means you're normal and now have the opportunity to intentionally rebuild what matters most. By turning down life's volume and turning up your focus on each other, you can rediscover the person who once made your heart race just by entering the room.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Are we roommates or soulmates?
What to do if you're driftingapart?
How to recognize it and whatcan we do about it?
I think it's one of the mostheartbreaking realizations in a
relationship that we're together, we're married, we're deeply in
love at least we were but nowwe're waking up next to each
(00:22):
other and I'm'm wondering who inthe heck are you?
Speaker 2 (00:39):
Here's a question for you Is marriage overrated?
Why aren't people gettingmarried anymore?
Speaker 1 (00:45):
a new pew research poll found that two and five
young adults think marriage isan outdated tradition.
Marriage rates are at theirlowest right now.
Is marriage really even worthit?
Speaker 2 (00:55):
more than half of marriages end in divorce if you
get married, you have to bestuck with this person for the
rest of your life, right?
That's why you get married, sothat's why it's declining.
Why would you get married ifyou don't?
If you want to have just onepartner when you can have
multiple marriage is stupidwelcome to the married af
podcast, the self-proclaimedgreatest marriage relationship
(01:16):
podcast in the world.
Speaker 1 (01:18):
We're your host, matthew and monica powers.
Hey, beautiful hey handsome.
You look stunning today.
Thank you Absolutely stunning.
Speaker 2 (01:26):
You're sweet.
Speaker 1 (01:27):
I do my best, the very, very best that I possibly
can.
So are you ready?
Speaker 2 (01:35):
Sure.
Speaker 1 (01:35):
I hope so.
I hope that you're ready,because we've got a topic that I
think is probably,unfortunately, too relatable for
too many people.
Think forward what do I have onmy head?
Speaker 2 (01:48):
I don't know it's still there.
It's not coming off.
Speaker 1 (01:51):
Maybe it's just my skin, maybe it's just what's
there.
Topic today is not about theweird things that are on top of
my head.
Maybe we can touch on thatsometime, but not today.
My bad.
Today is a topic that I thinktoo many people will relate to.
They don't want to relate to it, they hate the idea of relating
to it.
They probably don't want toadmit that they relate to it.
(02:13):
Okay, but it's the big question.
Speaker 2 (02:15):
Do we relate to it?
Speaker 1 (02:17):
We have a sense in the past.
I mean, it has happened now.
Not even close.
Okay, Like furthest thing inthe way from from it at all.
Speaker 2 (02:25):
Like BC, for us, like before Christ.
Speaker 1 (02:28):
I mean, yeah, possibly in a way, and there
have been times, maybe early on,where we ran through this.
But the question is are weroommates or soulmates?
What to do if you're driftingapart, how to recognize it and
what can we do about it?
I think it's one of the mostheartbreaking realizations in a
(02:51):
relationship that we're together, we're married, we're deeply in
love at least we were but nowwe're waking up next to each
other and I'm wondering who inthe heck are you?
Speaker 2 (03:01):
Yep.
Speaker 1 (03:02):
What has happened, what is going on, and you feel
like I, you know, we sleep nextto each other, we're we're
married to each other, but Ifeel like you are on the other
side of town.
I feel like we are just milesand miles apart, nowhere near
each other, not even on the samepage, not in the same book, not
even the same category of books.
I mean just could not befurthest from the truth.
(03:25):
Oh, we've been there.
It happens and it sucks andit's awful, it's bad while it's
happening, because life justkind of you're just spinning
your tires, you're not gettinganywhere, nothing good is
happening, but then, once yourealize it, it's a whole lot of
the wheels start to fall off.
They do.
Well, it's a whole lot of oh myGod, we're, we are there.
(03:48):
How, how did this happen?
How did how did you let thishappen to us?
This is your fault.
You're not putting in enougheffort, you're not doing enough
things.
What in the world is going on?
And we start to point thefinger.
That's very, very difficult.
(04:09):
It's very, very sad.
So many people are living theirmarriages as roommates.
We've each had roommates in ourlives.
Roommates are good for a shortperiod of time when you're young
, we need someone else to fill aroom, to pay the bills a little
bit, someone to keep youcompany every now and again.
They're fine in college andeverything.
Speaker 2 (04:28):
But when you're older , we don't really have
relationships with people thatwe used to be roommates with.
Speaker 1 (04:36):
No, no, not really at all, especially when you're
married, you're in a committedrelationship, you have kids, but
then life just starts to happenand, yes, you're technically
doing life together, butmentally, emotionally,
physically, spiritually, yourintimacy is gone.
(04:57):
You're miles and miles andmiles apart.
So I guess the big question iswhy does this happen?
How does this happen?
What takes place in life forthis to happen?
Speaker 2 (05:11):
You get your priorities out of order easily.
Speaker 1 (05:14):
You get your priorities way out of order.
Things that shouldn't beimportant now become the top of
the list because something getsthe back seat yes instead of
that passenger seat right besideyou totally and and essentially
, your spouse is getting what'sleft of you rather than the best
(05:35):
of you, and we should be givingour spouses our best, the very
first of us.
The absolute best goes to them,and then everything else goes
to everyone else.
But what we typically do iswell, I did this and I had to
work and I had to take the kidshere, and we had this event and
this thing's scheduled and thisparty and this going on.
Okay, here you go, baby, thisis all I've got left.
(05:59):
And where you recognize this ismost of your conversations turn
logistical, like, well, you know, elkie's got this going on and
then Cash has this going on.
I need to make sure that I'mhere by this time.
So how are you, how are wegetting this kid to this and how
are we going to do this?
And, hey, did you make surethat you pick this up?
Or did you make sure you gotthe dog here?
(06:19):
Hey, can you stop by thegrocery store?
And those are what most of yourconversations are about.
Speaker 2 (06:24):
When it gets to that point, yes, it does.
Because it doesn't matter abouthow their day went, because you
want to don't care, becauseyou're too worried about who's
taking this child to basketball,or this child to dance, or this
one needs to go to thisfriend's house.
(06:44):
We have a birthday party here.
Well, you suffer through thatand I'll take the dog to the vet
.
That type of stuff.
Speaker 1 (06:50):
And that's where so much of the conversation happens
.
It's just a how can we makesure we get through this day
alive and we don't forgetanything or anybody?
Nobody gets hurt you know, howdo we just survive this day?
And nothing else really matters.
The physical affection, it justbecomes a formality of it all.
I mean just before non-existent, just even just before we were
(07:13):
started recording, we wereupstairs and I was coming down.
I gave you a kiss and you'relike ew so don't kiss me like
that don't kiss me like that.
That seemed like it was justbecause you had to and it wasn't
intentional law.
So we I mean we made sure wecorrected that very, very
quickly and you felt much betterabout that.
Um, you know simple things.
Speaker 2 (07:31):
Like you can't remember the last time you
laughed with each other oh, Ithink that's a big thing, and we
laugh a ton, like you and Iprobably imagine not not
laughing no, I mean, we laughprobably more than one should
probably it's because we havethe laughter is one the best
medicine yes, it is and we'regonna have the worst wrinkles
(07:51):
when we get old because we dolaugh so much and about anything
and everything, especially ourlittle inside stuff I say we
have probably more little insidefunnies and inside jokes than
most people that ever have, andit doesn't me and you.
Speaker 1 (08:07):
It doesn't have to be anybody else involved it does
not matter what the situation is, and we can be in the most
serious of circumstances like inchurch today.
Like in church today, one littlething can be said and we won't
mention what happened in churchtoday.
Like in church today, onelittle thing can be said and we
won't mention what happened inchurch today.
But one silly one thing thatcould be said.
That is not silly to anyoneelse, but because you and I have
some sort of inside joke.
We have a hard time controllingourselves where it's like I
(08:29):
cannot look at my wife right now.
I can't, I will not, I'm notstrong enough to withstand
what's going to come out of meIf I look at her, just breathe,
just get through it.
Just get through.
It Happens all the time.
Speaker 2 (08:40):
There's times where you even say don't say it.
Don't say it Because you knowI'm going to bust out laughing.
No one else is going to have aclue what we're laughing at.
Speaker 1 (08:48):
Be like, what's wrong with those two crazy people?
What is happening over there?
So I mean, laughing together isa huge sign of how connected
that you are, I believe, causeyou, like I said, laughter is
the absolute best medicine.
Um, you know another big one.
You spend time in the samehouse, but you are in totally
different worlds and this a lothas to do with how.
(09:08):
Where's our mind?
What are we thinking about?
Who are we?
Speaker 2 (09:11):
thinking about.
I think we've said this oh we,we have Right.
But we've said this before Areyou sitting on the opposite
sides of the couch scrollingthrough whatever?
Speaker 1 (09:22):
Just scrolling phones .
Speaker 2 (09:24):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (09:25):
One watching a show, one scrolling the phone?
No, no intentional connection,no physical connection with each
other whatsoever.
Physical connection iscompletely MIA, it's
non-existent.
And these are little quicksigns of things that can happen.
And if you're hearing this andany of this resonates to you, it
(09:45):
could mean that, hey, you'renot fully in the roommate phase,
but you could be drifting downthat road and if you're not
careful, you could get to apoint where you wake up one day
and be like why are we in thesame bed with each other?
Who in the heck are you?
How in the world did we get tothis point?
So let's kind of discuss someof those big culprits, some of
(10:09):
those big things.
So if you're hearing some ofthat and you're recognizing some
of that, here's a lot of thethings that can happen whenever,
whenever you recognize you'regetting there.
First thing is life just getstoo loud, loud.
You've allowed life to get waytoo loud, with just the busyness
of the things and the busynessof life but a different type of
loud.
(10:29):
Not loud noises not brick, notloud noises, but life just gets
too loud because we're worriedabout the kids and the schedules
and the bills and the bankaccounts and keeping up with the
Joneses, and we're worriedabout the loudness of life.
And I kind of translate that toa lot that we talk about in
church, especially when it comesto 21 days of prayer and
(10:51):
fasting.
That it's not to be legalistic,but it's to turn down the
volume of the world.
Turn up the voice of God.
Well, the same can be true foryou and your spouse.
Turn down the volume of theworld, all the stuff going on,
the things at work.
Turn that down and try to turnup the volume of your spouse.
Speaker 2 (11:11):
Yeah, I mean, it takes three weeks to get into a
routine and three days to breakone.
It's so quick and so easy butthat makes me think if things
are loud, in a sense the devil'snot.
The devil is going to, is hereto kill, steal and destroy, and
(11:31):
if the devil can't get you, he'sgoing to keep you busy.
Those are all distractions fromwhat you need to be focused on.
Speaker 1 (11:42):
Totally agree when everything else is a priority
and your relationship is towardsthe bottom.
Speaker 2 (11:48):
I'm going to fill all the nooks and crannies and the
cracks and the creases withthings that don't matter, but
they're a nuisance, so you haveto do them, which takes you away
from, maybe, your devotions,your spouse, your kids.
We got to make sure all thethings are done.
Speaker 1 (12:06):
And that's one of the lies that we believe.
That's because, I mean, we'refull of cracks and crevices and
creases and just we're tryingeverything we can to fill in the
gaps, to make us feel whole andfulfilled.
And what do we do?
Speaker 2 (12:20):
Chasing that happiness.
Speaker 1 (12:21):
You're right Chasing happiness, happiness is fleeting
.
You will never achieve truehappiness.
That's where sin comes into theworld.
Because I'm chasing it, andlet's be real.
Speaker 2 (12:34):
You're just chasing a dopamine hit.
Speaker 1 (12:35):
It is, sin is great and it's fun and it feels good
that's why it's so easy and it'sso easy, and if you don't think
sin is fun and feels good,you're probably doing it wrong.
But it does and it's fun andit's great for a moment, and
then immediately you start tofeel bad you start to feel
regret, you start to feel shameand guilt and you feel empty
(12:57):
again.
So what do you do?
I have to go chase more of this.
You know.
Only true joy comes from theLord and that true joy can come
in a relationship.
I know it has for you and I umwith you in my life.
I'm I'm full of joy and I thinkyou're a big reason for that.
You're not the sole reason forthat, but you are a huge,
important part of that andwithout you, that joy would be
(13:19):
so hard to actually obtain.
And of course, we'll get thatfrom the Lord, but you play a
huge part in that for me.
Um.
So life gets too loud Sometimesstress and burnout causes that
to happen where, like I saidearlier, you're giving your
spouse just what you got left,and I know for some days I've
got like 2% left in me andyou're picking up the rest of it
.
I know for some days I've gotlike 2% left in me and you're
picking up the rest of it.
(13:39):
I know some days, especiallysoftball season and everything
going on, you ain't got a wholelot left in you, but I'm here to
pick that up and it's not thatyou're giving me only that you
have left because you've givenme your absolute best throughout
the day.
You're communicating with meconstantly throughout the day.
When I don't get text messagefrom you, I'm like what the
world is going on.
Speaker 2 (13:57):
Okay, what is her?
Speaker 1 (13:59):
problem is she out with her boyfriend today.
Lies, I'm just kidding, I havepulled that joke before like
you're not answering your phoneand you finally call me back,
should be doing talking to yourboyfriend.
It's a total, total joke.
Yes, um, but I mean it.
It happens um, another.
Another thing that can happen,and one of the reasons this is a
(14:19):
culprit, is your personalgrowth.
Your personal growth becomes apriority before your spouse's
growth.
Speaker 2 (14:26):
Whoa, you're here to serve, not get served.
Speaker 1 (14:31):
So explain that a little bit.
Speaker 2 (14:32):
Well, I'm not here to just get stuff from you.
I'm here to serve you.
That's why God made a helperfor Adam.
It wasn't good, so he had tocreate Eve for Adam to be a
(14:53):
helper.
It doesn't say that God wasmaking Eve to be Adam's slave.
It was a helper and God sawthat it was good.
They worked well together.
They're not just for you,aren't just to be giving me all
(15:14):
the things and me just taking itand not giving anything back.
Totally agree.
It's the reap what you sow kindof thing.
Yes, and for those that mightnot understand karma, what you
put in is what you get outtotally, totally.
Speaker 1 (15:31):
You do.
You reap what you sow, and forus we're supposed to be sowers.
We sow into people's lives, butwe sow into our spouse's lives
and it's reciprocal and it'stotally dead on.
We are here to serve each other.
If you don't do anything, thebiggest thing you should ever
try to outdo your spouse in isoutdo your spouse in serving one
(15:51):
another.
That's it.
That's it.
And if you are bothintentionally trying to
out-serve one another, watch out.
I mean the greatness that yourmarriage will be if you're just
trying to out-serve each other.
Holy smokes.
Speaker 2 (16:08):
And I wouldn't even think of it as an out-serve each
other.
Oh, I got to serve, becausesometimes that even sounds like
oh, I got to do this for them, Igot to do that.
It sounds.
Well, when you, I got to dothis for them, I got to do that,
it sounds.
Speaker 1 (16:20):
Well, when you're trying to do that, you want to
do that Exactly.
I get to do this for you.
That's the mentality.
Speaker 2 (16:26):
It's a love thing, it's absolutely love, because if
you love them as much as yousay, you love them, doing all of
those things for them, it's nota chore.
It's not a chore, it's not ajob, it's not a serve.
I got to do this.
It's a I can do this.
I get to do this.
(16:46):
I want to do this.
I know you can, but I want to.
That's what I get from you allthe time.
Sit down, woman.
I know you want to do this, butI got you.
Speaker 1 (17:00):
I love doing things for you.
Sometimes it gets annoying, Iknow, and I'm not really that
sorry, but I do.
I love being able to make youdinner and clean up and you just
sit and relax.
Any chance I get where I couldjust pamper you in any way, that
brings me incredible joy.
Speaker 2 (17:15):
And I know there's probably a female listening and
going.
Oh my God, how are you sayingthat is annoying.
Speaker 1 (17:23):
Probably.
Speaker 2 (17:24):
Because I am spoiled and I know it and I do not
whatsoever take any of that forgranted.
Our kids even know that I'mspoiled.
Speaker 1 (17:35):
They see how you treat me and they are treating
the same way yes, they are, andthe goal is that, especially for
our son one, that when he growsup and he finds a wife, that he
will treat her the exact sameway, and for our daughter, that
she will find a man who willtreat her the exact same way.
You are a gift from god to meand I better cherish that with
(17:58):
everything I've got.
That's how I see this, that'show I see you, so that's a huge
thing.
One other way and this isalways just a lack of
intentionality just notintentionally putting each other
in the forethought of our mindsand what we do and wanting to
be around each other andspending that intentional time
(18:19):
of being with each other, that Idon't care what else is going
on, I need to spend time withyou.
So incredibly important for usto be able to do that.
So you recognize that you.
You hear some of these thingslike yeah, maybe us, yeah, we
were going through this, yeah,life's gotten loud and there's
stress and burnout and I amworried about my career and we
(18:40):
don't spend much time with eachother.
So how do you begin to shiftgears and get out of this
roommate phase and turn backinto the soulmate phase?
As always, this should be thetheme of everything that we do.
You've got to talk about it.
You've got to have opendialogue about it.
So many bloody problems couldbe solved if we would just open
(19:04):
up our mouths and we would justspeak.
Speaker 2 (19:07):
How did I know you were going to say that?
Because?
Speaker 1 (19:09):
it is.
It is the number one problem ofany couple?
Yeah, and it all centers aroundthat.
I mean, we've talked to coupleswhere there's money issues,
there's, you know, splitting theduties issues in the house.
Speaker 2 (19:25):
You said duties.
Speaker 1 (19:26):
Inside joke Can't not laugh.
But there's splitting thehousehold, chores and how to
maintain the house.
There's talks about careers.
There's parenting problems, kidproblems.
Speaker 2 (19:37):
His family has issues .
Her family has issues.
Speaker 1 (19:41):
Her family has issues , those issues, friends issues,
expectation issues, sex issues.
We've, we've seen it all, we'veheard it all the shoes, all
those shoes.
You have so many shoes notthose kind of shoes.
No but you have so many shoes Ido have so many s-h-o-e.
Speaker 2 (19:57):
Yes, I bought most of them.
Speaker 1 (19:58):
For you too, that's okay.
But you have all these issuesand everyone thinks that that's
the problem.
But anyone we've ever talked towhen you really break it all
down, when you continue to askthe why?
Speaker 2 (20:10):
But why is it like this?
But why?
But why, when you finally can'tanswer that, why it's a well,
we don't really talk about it.
Oh my goodness it always pointsto.
Speaker 1 (20:25):
Well, we haven't really talked about it at all.
Speaker 2 (20:27):
I don't know why it's just never brought up, but why
not?
Speaker 1 (20:34):
And that's a whole conversation for another day.
Speaker 2 (20:36):
Because I'm afraid of what he might say.
Speaker 1 (20:38):
I'm afraid of what she might yell.
I'm afraid of what she mightyell at me.
Speaker 2 (20:42):
I don't want to let this person down.
It doesn't matter what you areafraid of.
Speaker 1 (20:49):
And you know what always happens?
Nothing, well, not even that.
I was afraid to bring it upbecause how she might react.
I was afraid of what she mightthink about me, I was afraid of
whatever.
And then her thought it goesboth ways is oh my God.
I was wanting to talk about thesame things.
It's been on my mind constantly.
Speaker 2 (21:05):
But I thought you were going to react a different
way and I was afraid to say thisYou're both afraid.
Speaker 1 (21:14):
You're both afraid and then you realize, oh my gosh
, I've been wanting to talk toyou about this forever, but I
was afraid about it.
I didn't know what you wouldthink about me, and if I would
have known, we could have talkedabout this a long time.
That's always, always, alwaysthe story.
Now, when you're beginning totalk about each other, or about
each other, I hope not.
I'm sure it happens.
(21:35):
I'm sure that's a reason, butwhen you begin to talk this out
with each other and yourecognize what's going on.
The key is, there's a key inhow you're going to approach
this.
No, you statements, westatements, no, like why don't
you do this for me anymore?
Instead of hey, I really missthis part of our relationship.
(21:59):
You know, I really experiencedthis with our relationship.
Speaker 2 (22:03):
And that can go for anything, not just a
relationship, marriage.
I preach this to the softballteam, like the girls that
there's nine on the field.
Right, I got nine on the fieldand I have a handful in the
dugout.
It chaps my butt when I hearthe girls in the dugout you got
(22:30):
one, you can do this.
You need two more outs?
No, you don't, we need it.
I say you.
And they question me becausewhy do you say you?
I'm not on the team.
I'm not going to say we gotthis, we got this.
(22:52):
No, because I'm not part of theteam, I'm just a coach for the
team.
We is what you need to changeyour verbiage to Relationships,
(23:13):
whatever you're a part of,whether it's work, your kids,
your marriage, figuring outfinances.
We Not.
Speaker 1 (23:26):
Well, your account's this way mine, mine, and then we
have ours.
No, we, we turn your me into we.
That's it.
We before me, 100 of the time,we before me.
And then there's also this you.
You have to turn the mirror onyourself.
You have to do someself-reflection and truly ask
yourself and honestly askyourself the questions have I
stopped pursuing my spouse?
Have I stopped making them feelloved?
(23:47):
Have I stopped making them feelwanted?
What did I do to play a part inthis?
Am I emotionally available tomy spouse?
Am I there for my spouse?
Because that is so?
Speaker 2 (24:00):
easy to turn around and say well, they haven't done,
you haven't done anything forme lately.
He just sits over there andlooks at his phone.
He doesn't give me anyattention.
Girl, guess what?
You doing the same thing.
Speaker 1 (24:18):
For a man and that's a normal conversation for many,
I'm sure Well, he doesn't dothis, he's just doing this, he's
lazy.
But the amount of times, maybebefore that, where he put in the
efforts and he was shut down orwas told that wasn't good
enough or well, why'd you dothat and not this?
Or that's not what I wanted, ornot, whatever it may be, men
(24:39):
especially, we can only be shutdown so many times before we
shut down.
Speaker 2 (24:45):
Don't even attempt to do it again.
Speaker 1 (24:46):
And it's over.
It's like what's what's?
Why would I worry with doingthat?
It's not worth it because allI'm going to get done is yelled
at, told it wasn't good enough,told how wrong I was.
Why would I put myself outthere to even be that vulnerable
and then we'll shut downcompletely.
Another one is what kind ofenergy am I bringing into the?
Speaker 2 (25:14):
relationship.
How much effort am I puttinginto it?
You also have to think likethis Is that energy you're
bringing in all the negative?
Speaker 1 (25:22):
We feed off each other.
Yeah, I mean it doesn't takelong, for if one of us comes in
with a negative attitude,negative energy, I mean it's
gonna spread like a wildfire itdoes but if one of us is down
and the other one comes in up,it can change everything.
It can so quickly.
And if your spouse is like that, if they are negative and down,
I mean how quickly things canchange with just a long hug.
(25:46):
I mean something that simple.
Yes, make it last longer thaneight seconds, or just a simple,
you know, just that touch, justsaying hey, I'm here, I know
for me, if I've had a rough dayor whatever, you can just come
up, you can just kind of putyour arm around me, you can hug
me, you can just touch myshoulder or something like that,
(26:06):
and the weight of the worldjust disappears and it's like,
ah, because there's a knowledgethere, she's here, she's with me
, she's on my side and no matterwhat, she's still, and that's
all that really matters andthat's what gets us through.
So what are three quick ways tobe able to move from roommate
(26:29):
back to romantic partners?
Prioritize the internalconnection.
Make time as much as you can,preferably every single week, to
actually date your spouse.
Speaker 2 (26:41):
Remember why you wanted to be married in the
first place, exactly why?
Speaker 1 (26:49):
did you pick this one ?
Remember that first time yousaw her maybe some people can't
do that.
Speaker 2 (26:53):
Well, we got married because well, I knocked her up
you know, but there was a reasonwhy you wanted to knock her up
in the first place still aexactly.
Speaker 1 (27:01):
There's still a reason to it, so.
So make that a priority, anddate night can be so simple.
Speaker 2 (27:06):
Easy.
It does not have to be.
We just go to the basement andturn on the TV, watch a show.
Snuggle up under a blanket, Ourlegs are usually tangled like a
pretzel Just sitting there witheach other.
Speaker 1 (27:20):
Yes, and that can be it, and it's so easy, it's so
simple.
You don't even have to leavethe house, don, and that could
be it, and it's so easy, it's sosimple.
You don't even have to leavethe house.
Don't have to leave the house,you can just turn something on.
You can just spend timetogether.
The phones are put away.
Speaker 2 (27:31):
You know the kids will come down.
Intentional it's justintentional.
Speaker 1 (27:33):
So prioritize that internal or that intentional
connection with each other.
Make it a priority, at least aminimum of one day a week.
We do every opportunity we get,typically every single night
we're, and even if it's just aquick half hour or so, we are
just you and I, very intentionalwith each other, where you are
the only thing in the world thatmatters at this moment.
(27:54):
I'm going to make sure that youknow it.
So that's one way.
Create a safe space forconversation is another.
Speaker 2 (27:59):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (28:01):
Open, honest, nonjudgmental communication
Cause I know I can come to youabout any little thing in the
world or a huge thing in theworld, no matter how bad or how
good or how wild or how crazy,it doesn't matter.
I can come to you and you'regoing to take it in and you may
think what is his freakingproblem?
(28:21):
But he's my husband and I lovehim and if this is what he's
thinking, if this is what hefeels, I'm with him.
Speaker 2 (28:27):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (28:28):
And we will work through this and get through
this or experience this.
We will do this together,doesn't matter.
Speaker 2 (28:33):
If I can do a classroom full of 11th graders
who refuse to read out loud andI start the class off with all
right, we have a passage to readright now and then we're going
to answer questions togetherafter this passage.
But the only work that you'regoing to get to do because I'm
(28:54):
going to help you with rightanswers you are going to read
and, of course, no one wants toread out loud.
There's a handful in the whole,all the classes combined that
will.
Yes, please, I volunteer.
Nobody wants to read out loud,but I preface this with a.
This is a non-judgmental readingzone.
(29:17):
Whether you can read, youstutter, you don't know the
words, you say the wrong words,you can't pronounce the words,
it doesn't matter, I don't careif you read fast, I don't care
if you read slow, as long as weget it done, that's all that
matters.
It has been life-changing forthese kids.
Even the ones that would neverread ever are like yeah, I'll do
(29:37):
one.
I'll just like, just here,break down this paragraph.
If it's too long, just stop,tell me and we'll stop there and
somebody else can pick up.
The kids that you would neverthink that would want to read
out loud are the ones doing that, because I tell them it's the
non-judgmental reading zone well, you have when you do that with
(29:57):
a relationship and you need totalk about things you have to
say all right, this isnon-judgmental.
And when you say those words,you have to mean all right, this
is nonjudgmental.
And when you say those words,you have to mean it.
This isn't a.
I'm listening and I'm sayingthat because I want you to say
what you need to say, but I'mgoing to judge you and I'm going
to go off on you.
No.
Speaker 1 (30:15):
Because I will say this the moment you do that and
you do judge and go off, youwill never.
And you do judge and go off,you will never.
You will never get them to openup ever again.
Speaker 2 (30:29):
It's over.
You can kiss that goodbye.
Speaker 1 (30:30):
That door is shut, it's locked, it's cemented up.
It will never open again.
So you have to create that safespace.
Speaker 2 (30:39):
You have to ask the questions.
Speaker 1 (30:40):
You have to be intentional with it and ask them
hey, check in, how are youfeeling what's going on?
Be intentional with it and askthem hey, check in, how are you
feeling what's going on?
Be intentional with it.
Speaker 2 (30:48):
Don't just say I'm fine, yeah, because that's
always a lie.
Speaker 1 (30:51):
That is always a lie.
So create a safe space.
And then, lastly, you've got torekindle physical touch and
intimacy.
Like you said, we will sit andjust we're under a blanket, legs
are touching.
We're touching in some waybecause it's one of the five
love languages.
It may be high, it may be low,but it's still there and it's
(31:12):
still important and just assimple as a touch.
Holding hands, putting your armaround each other, touching
each other's leg, playingfootsie with each other Any of
that can go such a long way, Iknow for us, just personally
speaking.
I mean, when our legs touch,you begin to rub my foot or
something like that.
Or, you know, rub the back ofmy head.
You get butterflies in yourstomach a little bit and it it
(31:32):
sparks something in you thatquickly it's like oh okay, I
like that.
That feels good.
Speaker 2 (31:37):
And just so fast and so quickly but you also have to
tell each other if that's notsomething that you like.
There have been like the kissearlier today.
I was like, no, that isdisgusting, that is, that's a
gross kiss.
If you're gonna kiss me, youbetter kiss me, right?
(31:58):
I'm not afraid to say that,mostly because you're not gonna
go go.
Well, deal with it.
I'm not kissing you again,mostly because I know I'm going
to get me a real good kiss.
Speaker 1 (32:09):
after that I'm thinking I got the opportunity
to kiss her again.
Yeah, let's go.
Speaker 2 (32:15):
I haven't told you in the past don't hug me like that
.
Ew, I don't like the way youdon't touch me that soft.
You better touch me like youmean it, because if you don't
like how they're doing a certainthing, there's that nudge
judgmental thing.
Hey, I don't like it when youjust hold my pinky.
Yes, I don't want to just bepinky friends that's gross, say
that and that doesn't mean thatthat's going to hurt their
(32:36):
feelings.
No, that means you are lettingthem know well, you, you're
communicating to them.
Hey, I don't like that, but hey,I really like this that's how
you finish it, yes, but when youdo it this way, I love that
yeah, I like that expect to getthat over the what you don't
like.
So if you don't like it, letthem know I don't like this.
Speaker 1 (32:59):
When you touch me like that changes the absolute
game.
So if this is you, if you findyourself going from soulmates to
roommates, there's ways torecognize it, there's ways for
you to be able to correct it andmove past it and get back to be
who you were supposed to be.
But if you do find yourselfthere, no, you're not doomed,
(33:20):
you are not broken, it is notover is fixable.
Every couple goes through thisat some point in time.
Obviously there's differentlevels of that, but everyone
goes through this.
You just have to be open enoughto recognize it, admit that,
hey, we're not going down thisgreat path and be able to go and
correct it and do it together,because you're here for each
(33:41):
other.
So any final thoughts, baby?
Speaker 2 (33:45):
That was good.
Speaker 1 (33:46):
That was very good, very good.
Hopefully it resonates withsomebody.
Speaker 2 (33:49):
Maybe it'll help.
Speaker 1 (33:50):
I hope it helps with somebody.
Listen, if this is you, let usknow.
We'd love to hear these stories.
This is anybody.
We would love to hear the storyof hey, I'm going through this
right now.
What can we do?
Or hey, we did go through thisand here are the things that we
did and this is where it took us, from here to here.
Those stories are amazing andthose are stories that need to
be told, so other people willknow oh crap, they did that.
(34:11):
That another, you know anothercouple went through this and
they got through it.
We're going through.
Those changed everything for somany people.
So hopefully this helps let'sget out of here.
Speaker 2 (34:22):
Let's go.
Speaker 1 (34:23):
Let's go, god.
We love you.
God helps.
Let's get out of here, let's go.
Let's go, god.
We love you.
God, we are so thankful forwhat you do.
We're thankful for thisplatform that you have given us
and pray that we will just useit how you want it, god.
Pray that it reaches the earsthat need to hear it, reaches
the people that need to hear itin the right moments that they
need to hear it, where it can beimpactful for them.
God, we pray that what we docan point people to you, no
(34:43):
matter how silly it may seem orbe, that in some way it points
people back to you, because thisis what it's all about, and
you're the reason that we havethis.
You're the reason that we haveeach other and, god, we just
thank you so much for that.
We never want to take it forgranted.
Just thank you In Jesus name,amen.
Speaker 2 (35:00):
Amen Play ball.
Are we roommates or soulmates?
What to do if you're driftingapart?
How to recognize it and whatcan we do about it?
I think it's one of the mostheartbreaking realizations in a
relationship that we're together, we're married, we're deeply in
love at least we were but nowwe're waking up next to each
(00:22):
other and I'm'm wondering who inthe heck are you?
Speaker 2 (00:39):
Here's a question for you Is marriage overrated?
Why aren't people gettingmarried anymore?
Speaker 1 (00:45):
a new pew research poll found that two and five
young adults think marriage isan outdated tradition.
Marriage rates are at theirlowest right now.
Is marriage really even worthit?
Speaker 2 (00:55):
more than half of marriages end in divorce if you
get married, you have to bestuck with this person for the
rest of your life, right?
That's why you get married, sothat's why it's declining.
Why would you get married ifyou don't?
If you want to have just onepartner when you can have
multiple marriage is stupidwelcome to the married af
podcast, the self-proclaimedgreatest marriage relationship
(01:16):
podcast in the world.
Speaker 1 (01:18):
We're your host, matthew and monica powers.
Hey, beautiful hey handsome.
You look stunning today.
Thank you Absolutely stunning.
Speaker 2 (01:26):
You're sweet.
Speaker 1 (01:27):
I do my best, the very, very best that I possibly
can.
So are you ready?
Speaker 2 (01:35):
Sure.
Speaker 1 (01:35):
I hope so.
I hope that you're ready,because we've got a topic that I
think is probably,unfortunately, too relatable for
too many people.
Think forward what do I have onmy head?
Speaker 2 (01:48):
I don't know it's still there.
It's not coming off.
Speaker 1 (01:51):
Maybe it's just my skin, maybe it's just what's
there.
Topic today is not about theweird things that are on top of
my head.
Maybe we can touch on thatsometime, but not today.
My bad.
Today is a topic that I thinktoo many people will relate to.
They don't want to relate to it, they hate the idea of relating
to it.
They probably don't want toadmit that they relate to it.
(02:13):
Okay, but it's the big question.
Speaker 2 (02:15):
Do we relate to it?
Speaker 1 (02:17):
We have a sense in the past.
I mean, it has happened now.
Not even close.
Okay, Like furthest thing inthe way from from it at all.
Speaker 2 (02:25):
Like BC, for us, like before Christ.
Speaker 1 (02:28):
I mean, yeah, possibly in a way, and there
have been times, maybe early on,where we ran through this.
But the question is are weroommates or soulmates?
What to do if you're driftingapart, how to recognize it and
what can we do about it?
I think it's one of the mostheartbreaking realizations in a
(02:51):
relationship that we're together, we're married, we're deeply in
love at least we were but nowwe're waking up next to each
other and I'm wondering who inthe heck are you?
Speaker 2 (03:01):
Yep.
Speaker 1 (03:02):
What has happened, what is going on, and you feel
like I, you know, we sleep nextto each other, we're we're
married to each other, but Ifeel like you are on the other
side of town.
I feel like we are just milesand miles apart, nowhere near
each other, not even on the samepage, not in the same book, not
even the same category of books.
I mean just could not befurthest from the truth.
(03:25):
Oh, we've been there.
It happens and it sucks andit's awful, it's bad while it's
happening, because life justkind of you're just spinning
your tires, you're not gettinganywhere, nothing good is
happening, but then, once yourealize it, it's a whole lot of
the wheels start to fall off.
They do.
Well, it's a whole lot of oh myGod, we're, we are there.
(03:48):
How, how did this happen?
How did how did you let thishappen to us?
This is your fault.
You're not putting in enougheffort, you're not doing enough
things.
What in the world is going on?
And we start to point thefinger.
That's very, very difficult.
(04:09):
It's very, very sad.
So many people are living theirmarriages as roommates.
We've each had roommates in ourlives.
Roommates are good for a shortperiod of time when you're young
, we need someone else to fill aroom, to pay the bills a little
bit, someone to keep youcompany every now and again.
They're fine in college andeverything.
Speaker 2 (04:28):
But when you're older , we don't really have
relationships with people thatwe used to be roommates with.
Speaker 1 (04:36):
No, no, not really at all, especially when you're
married, you're in a committedrelationship, you have kids, but
then life just starts to happenand, yes, you're technically
doing life together, butmentally, emotionally,
physically, spiritually, yourintimacy is gone.
(04:57):
You're miles and miles andmiles apart.
So I guess the big question iswhy does this happen?
How does this happen?
What takes place in life forthis to happen?
Speaker 2 (05:11):
You get your priorities out of order easily.
Speaker 1 (05:14):
You get your priorities way out of order.
Things that shouldn't beimportant now become the top of
the list because something getsthe back seat yes instead of
that passenger seat right besideyou totally and and essentially
, your spouse is getting what'sleft of you rather than the best
(05:35):
of you, and we should be givingour spouses our best, the very
first of us.
The absolute best goes to them,and then everything else goes
to everyone else.
But what we typically do iswell, I did this and I had to
work and I had to take the kidshere, and we had this event and
this thing's scheduled and thisparty and this going on.
Okay, here you go, baby, thisis all I've got left.
(05:59):
And where you recognize this ismost of your conversations turn
logistical, like, well, you know, elkie's got this going on and
then Cash has this going on.
I need to make sure that I'mhere by this time.
So how are you, how are wegetting this kid to this and how
are we going to do this?
And, hey, did you make surethat you pick this up?
Or did you make sure you gotthe dog here?
(06:19):
Hey, can you stop by thegrocery store?
And those are what most of yourconversations are about.
Speaker 2 (06:24):
When it gets to that point, yes, it does.
Because it doesn't matter abouthow their day went, because you
want to don't care, becauseyou're too worried about who's
taking this child to basketball,or this child to dance, or this
one needs to go to thisfriend's house.
(06:44):
We have a birthday party here.
Well, you suffer through thatand I'll take the dog to the vet
.
That type of stuff.
Speaker 1 (06:50):
And that's where so much of the conversation happens
.
It's just a how can we makesure we get through this day
alive and we don't forgetanything or anybody?
Nobody gets hurt you know, howdo we just survive this day?
And nothing else really matters.
The physical affection, it justbecomes a formality of it all.
I mean just before non-existent, just even just before we were
(07:13):
started recording, we wereupstairs and I was coming down.
I gave you a kiss and you'relike ew so don't kiss me like
that don't kiss me like that.
That seemed like it was justbecause you had to and it wasn't
intentional law.
So we I mean we made sure wecorrected that very, very
quickly and you felt much betterabout that.
Um, you know simple things.
Speaker 2 (07:31):
Like you can't remember the last time you
laughed with each other oh, Ithink that's a big thing, and we
laugh a ton, like you and Iprobably imagine not not
laughing no, I mean, we laughprobably more than one should
probably it's because we havethe laughter is one the best
medicine yes, it is and we'regonna have the worst wrinkles
(07:51):
when we get old because we dolaugh so much and about anything
and everything, especially ourlittle inside stuff I say we
have probably more little insidefunnies and inside jokes than
most people that ever have, andit doesn't me and you.
Speaker 1 (08:07):
It doesn't have to be anybody else involved it does
not matter what the situation is, and we can be in the most
serious of circumstances like inchurch today.
Like in church today, one littlething can be said and we won't
mention what happened in churchtoday.
Like in church today, onelittle thing can be said and we
won't mention what happened inchurch today.
But one silly one thing thatcould be said.
That is not silly to anyoneelse, but because you and I have
some sort of inside joke.
We have a hard time controllingourselves where it's like I
(08:29):
cannot look at my wife right now.
I can't, I will not, I'm notstrong enough to withstand
what's going to come out of meIf I look at her, just breathe,
just get through it.
Just get through.
It Happens all the time.
Speaker 2 (08:40):
There's times where you even say don't say it.
Don't say it Because you knowI'm going to bust out laughing.
No one else is going to have aclue what we're laughing at.
Speaker 1 (08:48):
Be like, what's wrong with those two crazy people?
What is happening over there?
So I mean, laughing together isa huge sign of how connected
that you are, I believe, causeyou, like I said, laughter is
the absolute best medicine.
Um, you know another big one.
You spend time in the samehouse, but you are in totally
different worlds and this a lothas to do with how.
(09:08):
Where's our mind?
What are we thinking about?
Who are we?
Speaker 2 (09:11):
thinking about.
I think we've said this oh we,we have Right.
But we've said this before Areyou sitting on the opposite
sides of the couch scrollingthrough whatever?
Speaker 1 (09:22):
Just scrolling phones .
Speaker 2 (09:24):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (09:25):
One watching a show, one scrolling the phone?
No, no intentional connection,no physical connection with each
other whatsoever.
Physical connection iscompletely MIA, it's
non-existent.
And these are little quicksigns of things that can happen.
And if you're hearing this andany of this resonates to you, it
(09:45):
could mean that, hey, you'renot fully in the roommate phase,
but you could be drifting downthat road and if you're not
careful, you could get to apoint where you wake up one day
and be like why are we in thesame bed with each other?
Who in the heck are you?
How in the world did we get tothis point?
So let's kind of discuss someof those big culprits, some of
(10:09):
those big things.
So if you're hearing some ofthat and you're recognizing some
of that, here's a lot of thethings that can happen whenever,
whenever you recognize you'regetting there.
First thing is life just getstoo loud, loud.
You've allowed life to get waytoo loud, with just the busyness
of the things and the busynessof life but a different type of
loud.
(10:29):
Not loud noises not brick, notloud noises, but life just gets
too loud because we're worriedabout the kids and the schedules
and the bills and the bankaccounts and keeping up with the
Joneses, and we're worriedabout the loudness of life.
And I kind of translate that toa lot that we talk about in
church, especially when it comesto 21 days of prayer and
(10:51):
fasting.
That it's not to be legalistic,but it's to turn down the
volume of the world.
Turn up the voice of God.
Well, the same can be true foryou and your spouse.
Turn down the volume of theworld, all the stuff going on,
the things at work.
Turn that down and try to turnup the volume of your spouse.
Speaker 2 (11:11):
Yeah, I mean, it takes three weeks to get into a
routine and three days to breakone.
It's so quick and so easy butthat makes me think if things
are loud, in a sense the devil'snot.
The devil is going to, is hereto kill, steal and destroy, and
(11:31):
if the devil can't get you, he'sgoing to keep you busy.
Those are all distractions fromwhat you need to be focused on.
Speaker 1 (11:42):
Totally agree when everything else is a priority
and your relationship is towardsthe bottom.
Speaker 2 (11:48):
I'm going to fill all the nooks and crannies and the
cracks and the creases withthings that don't matter, but
they're a nuisance, so you haveto do them, which takes you away
from, maybe, your devotions,your spouse, your kids.
We got to make sure all thethings are done.
Speaker 1 (12:06):
And that's one of the lies that we believe.
That's because, I mean, we'refull of cracks and crevices and
creases and just we're tryingeverything we can to fill in the
gaps, to make us feel whole andfulfilled.
And what do we do?
Speaker 2 (12:20):
Chasing that happiness.
Speaker 1 (12:21):
You're right Chasing happiness, happiness is fleeting
.
You will never achieve truehappiness.
That's where sin comes into theworld.
Because I'm chasing it, andlet's be real.
Speaker 2 (12:34):
You're just chasing a dopamine hit.
Speaker 1 (12:35):
It is, sin is great and it's fun and it feels good
that's why it's so easy and it'sso easy, and if you don't think
sin is fun and feels good,you're probably doing it wrong.
But it does and it's fun andit's great for a moment, and
then immediately you start tofeel bad you start to feel
regret, you start to feel shameand guilt and you feel empty
(12:57):
again.
So what do you do?
I have to go chase more of this.
You know.
Only true joy comes from theLord and that true joy can come
in a relationship.
I know it has for you and I umwith you in my life.
I'm I'm full of joy and I thinkyou're a big reason for that.
You're not the sole reason forthat, but you are a huge,
important part of that andwithout you, that joy would be
(13:19):
so hard to actually obtain.
And of course, we'll get thatfrom the Lord, but you play a
huge part in that for me.
Um.
So life gets too loud Sometimesstress and burnout causes that
to happen where, like I saidearlier, you're giving your
spouse just what you got left,and I know for some days I've
got like 2% left in me andyou're picking up the rest of it
.
I know for some days I've gotlike 2% left in me and you're
picking up the rest of it.
(13:39):
I know some days, especiallysoftball season and everything
going on, you ain't got a wholelot left in you, but I'm here to
pick that up and it's not thatyou're giving me only that you
have left because you've givenme your absolute best throughout
the day.
You're communicating with meconstantly throughout the day.
When I don't get text messagefrom you, I'm like what the
world is going on.
Speaker 2 (13:57):
Okay, what is her?
Speaker 1 (13:59):
problem is she out with her boyfriend today.
Lies, I'm just kidding, I havepulled that joke before like
you're not answering your phoneand you finally call me back,
should be doing talking to yourboyfriend.
It's a total, total joke.
Yes, um, but I mean it.
It happens um, another.
Another thing that can happen,and one of the reasons this is a
(14:19):
culprit, is your personalgrowth.
Your personal growth becomes apriority before your spouse's
growth.
Speaker 2 (14:26):
Whoa, you're here to serve, not get served.
Speaker 1 (14:31):
So explain that a little bit.
Speaker 2 (14:32):
Well, I'm not here to just get stuff from you.
I'm here to serve you.
That's why God made a helperfor Adam.
It wasn't good, so he had tocreate Eve for Adam to be a
(14:53):
helper.
It doesn't say that God wasmaking Eve to be Adam's slave.
It was a helper and God sawthat it was good.
They worked well together.
They're not just for you,aren't just to be giving me all
(15:14):
the things and me just taking itand not giving anything back.
Totally agree.
It's the reap what you sow kindof thing.
Yes, and for those that mightnot understand karma, what you
put in is what you get outtotally, totally.
Speaker 1 (15:31):
You do.
You reap what you sow, and forus we're supposed to be sowers.
We sow into people's lives, butwe sow into our spouse's lives
and it's reciprocal and it'stotally dead on.
We are here to serve each other.
If you don't do anything, thebiggest thing you should ever
try to outdo your spouse in isoutdo your spouse in serving one
(15:51):
another.
That's it.
That's it.
And if you are bothintentionally trying to
out-serve one another, watch out.
I mean the greatness that yourmarriage will be if you're just
trying to out-serve each other.
Holy smokes.
Speaker 2 (16:08):
And I wouldn't even think of it as an out-serve each
other.
Oh, I got to serve, becausesometimes that even sounds like
oh, I got to do this for them, Igot to do that.
It sounds.
Well, when you, I got to dothis for them, I got to do that,
it sounds.
Speaker 1 (16:20):
Well, when you're trying to do that, you want to
do that Exactly.
I get to do this for you.
That's the mentality.
Speaker 2 (16:26):
It's a love thing, it's absolutely love, because if
you love them as much as yousay, you love them, doing all of
those things for them, it's nota chore.
It's not a chore, it's not ajob, it's not a serve.
I got to do this.
It's a I can do this.
I get to do this.
(16:46):
I want to do this.
I know you can, but I want to.
That's what I get from you allthe time.
Sit down, woman.
I know you want to do this, butI got you.
Speaker 1 (17:00):
I love doing things for you.
Sometimes it gets annoying, Iknow, and I'm not really that
sorry, but I do.
I love being able to make youdinner and clean up and you just
sit and relax.
Any chance I get where I couldjust pamper you in any way, that
brings me incredible joy.
Speaker 2 (17:15):
And I know there's probably a female listening and
going.
Oh my God, how are you sayingthat is annoying.
Speaker 1 (17:23):
Probably.
Speaker 2 (17:24):
Because I am spoiled and I know it and I do not
whatsoever take any of that forgranted.
Our kids even know that I'mspoiled.
Speaker 1 (17:35):
They see how you treat me and they are treating
the same way yes, they are, andthe goal is that, especially for
our son one, that when he growsup and he finds a wife, that he
will treat her the exact sameway, and for our daughter, that
she will find a man who willtreat her the exact same way.
You are a gift from god to meand I better cherish that with
(17:58):
everything I've got.
That's how I see this, that'show I see you, so that's a huge
thing.
One other way and this isalways just a lack of
intentionality just notintentionally putting each other
in the forethought of our mindsand what we do and wanting to
be around each other andspending that intentional time
(18:19):
of being with each other, that Idon't care what else is going
on, I need to spend time withyou.
So incredibly important for usto be able to do that.
So you recognize that you.
You hear some of these thingslike yeah, maybe us, yeah, we
were going through this, yeah,life's gotten loud and there's
stress and burnout and I amworried about my career and we
(18:40):
don't spend much time with eachother.
So how do you begin to shiftgears and get out of this
roommate phase and turn backinto the soulmate phase?
As always, this should be thetheme of everything that we do.
You've got to talk about it.
You've got to have opendialogue about it.
So many bloody problems couldbe solved if we would just open
(19:04):
up our mouths and we would justspeak.
Speaker 2 (19:07):
How did I know you were going to say that?
Because?
Speaker 1 (19:09):
it is.
It is the number one problem ofany couple?
Yeah, and it all centers aroundthat.
I mean, we've talked to coupleswhere there's money issues,
there's, you know, splitting theduties issues in the house.
Speaker 2 (19:25):
You said duties.
Speaker 1 (19:26):
Inside joke Can't not laugh.
But there's splitting thehousehold, chores and how to
maintain the house.
There's talks about careers.
There's parenting problems, kidproblems.
Speaker 2 (19:37):
His family has issues .
Her family has issues.
Speaker 1 (19:41):
Her family has issues , those issues, friends issues,
expectation issues, sex issues.
We've, we've seen it all, we'veheard it all the shoes, all
those shoes.
You have so many shoes notthose kind of shoes.
No but you have so many shoes Ido have so many s-h-o-e.
Speaker 2 (19:57):
Yes, I bought most of them.
Speaker 1 (19:58):
For you too, that's okay.
But you have all these issuesand everyone thinks that that's
the problem.
But anyone we've ever talked towhen you really break it all
down, when you continue to askthe why?
Speaker 2 (20:10):
But why is it like this?
But why?
But why, when you finally can'tanswer that, why it's a well,
we don't really talk about it.
Oh my goodness it always pointsto.
Speaker 1 (20:25):
Well, we haven't really talked about it at all.
Speaker 2 (20:27):
I don't know why it's just never brought up, but why
not?
Speaker 1 (20:34):
And that's a whole conversation for another day.
Speaker 2 (20:36):
Because I'm afraid of what he might say.
Speaker 1 (20:38):
I'm afraid of what she might yell.
I'm afraid of what she mightyell at me.
Speaker 2 (20:42):
I don't want to let this person down.
It doesn't matter what you areafraid of.
Speaker 1 (20:49):
And you know what always happens?
Nothing, well, not even that.
I was afraid to bring it upbecause how she might react.
I was afraid of what she mightthink about me, I was afraid of
whatever.
And then her thought it goesboth ways is oh my God.
I was wanting to talk about thesame things.
It's been on my mind constantly.
Speaker 2 (21:05):
But I thought you were going to react a different
way and I was afraid to say thisYou're both afraid.
Speaker 1 (21:14):
You're both afraid and then you realize, oh my gosh
, I've been wanting to talk toyou about this forever, but I
was afraid about it.
I didn't know what you wouldthink about me, and if I would
have known, we could have talkedabout this a long time.
That's always, always, alwaysthe story.
Now, when you're beginning totalk about each other, or about
each other, I hope not.
I'm sure it happens.
(21:35):
I'm sure that's a reason, butwhen you begin to talk this out
with each other and yourecognize what's going on.
The key is, there's a key inhow you're going to approach
this.
No, you statements, westatements, no, like why don't
you do this for me anymore?
Instead of hey, I really missthis part of our relationship.
(21:59):
You know, I really experiencedthis with our relationship.
Speaker 2 (22:03):
And that can go for anything, not just a
relationship, marriage.
I preach this to the softballteam, like the girls that
there's nine on the field.
Right, I got nine on the fieldand I have a handful in the
dugout.
It chaps my butt when I hearthe girls in the dugout you got
(22:30):
one, you can do this.
You need two more outs?
No, you don't, we need it.
I say you.
And they question me becausewhy do you say you?
I'm not on the team.
I'm not going to say we gotthis, we got this.
(22:52):
No, because I'm not part of theteam, I'm just a coach for the
team.
We is what you need to changeyour verbiage to Relationships,
(23:13):
whatever you're a part of,whether it's work, your kids,
your marriage, figuring outfinances.
We Not.
Speaker 1 (23:26):
Well, your account's this way mine, mine, and then we
have ours.
No, we, we turn your me into we.
That's it.
We before me, 100 of the time,we before me.
And then there's also this you.
You have to turn the mirror onyourself.
You have to do someself-reflection and truly ask
yourself and honestly askyourself the questions have I
stopped pursuing my spouse?
Have I stopped making them feelloved?
(23:47):
Have I stopped making them feelwanted?
What did I do to play a part inthis?
Am I emotionally available tomy spouse?
Am I there for my spouse?
Because that is so?
Speaker 2 (24:00):
easy to turn around and say well, they haven't done,
you haven't done anything forme lately.
He just sits over there andlooks at his phone.
He doesn't give me anyattention.
Girl, guess what?
You doing the same thing.
Speaker 1 (24:18):
For a man and that's a normal conversation for many,
I'm sure Well, he doesn't dothis, he's just doing this, he's
lazy.
But the amount of times, maybebefore that, where he put in the
efforts and he was shut down orwas told that wasn't good
enough or well, why'd you dothat and not this?
Or that's not what I wanted, ornot, whatever it may be, men
(24:39):
especially, we can only be shutdown so many times before we
shut down.
Speaker 2 (24:45):
Don't even attempt to do it again.
Speaker 1 (24:46):
And it's over.
It's like what's what's?
Why would I worry with doingthat?
It's not worth it because allI'm going to get done is yelled
at, told it wasn't good enough,told how wrong I was.
Why would I put myself outthere to even be that vulnerable
and then we'll shut downcompletely.
Another one is what kind ofenergy am I bringing into the?
Speaker 2 (25:14):
relationship.
How much effort am I puttinginto it?
You also have to think likethis Is that energy you're
bringing in all the negative?
Speaker 1 (25:22):
We feed off each other.
Yeah, I mean it doesn't takelong, for if one of us comes in
with a negative attitude,negative energy, I mean it's
gonna spread like a wildfire itdoes but if one of us is down
and the other one comes in up,it can change everything.
It can so quickly.
And if your spouse is like that, if they are negative and down,
I mean how quickly things canchange with just a long hug.
(25:46):
I mean something that simple.
Yes, make it last longer thaneight seconds, or just a simple,
you know, just that touch, justsaying hey, I'm here, I know
for me, if I've had a rough dayor whatever, you can just come
up, you can just kind of putyour arm around me, you can hug
me, you can just touch myshoulder or something like that,
(26:06):
and the weight of the worldjust disappears and it's like,
ah, because there's a knowledgethere, she's here, she's with me
, she's on my side and no matterwhat, she's still, and that's
all that really matters andthat's what gets us through.
So what are three quick ways tobe able to move from roommate
(26:29):
back to romantic partners?
Prioritize the internalconnection.
Make time as much as you can,preferably every single week, to
actually date your spouse.
Speaker 2 (26:41):
Remember why you wanted to be married in the
first place, exactly why?
Speaker 1 (26:49):
did you pick this one ?
Remember that first time yousaw her maybe some people can't
do that.
Speaker 2 (26:53):
Well, we got married because well, I knocked her up
you know, but there was a reasonwhy you wanted to knock her up
in the first place still aexactly.
Speaker 1 (27:01):
There's still a reason to it, so.
So make that a priority, anddate night can be so simple.
Speaker 2 (27:06):
Easy.
It does not have to be.
We just go to the basement andturn on the TV, watch a show.
Snuggle up under a blanket, Ourlegs are usually tangled like a
pretzel Just sitting there witheach other.
Speaker 1 (27:20):
Yes, and that can be it, and it's so easy, it's so
simple.
You don't even have to leavethe house, don, and that could
be it, and it's so easy, it's sosimple.
You don't even have to leavethe house.
Don't have to leave the house,you can just turn something on.
You can just spend timetogether.
The phones are put away.
Speaker 2 (27:31):
You know the kids will come down.
Intentional it's justintentional.
Speaker 1 (27:33):
So prioritize that internal or that intentional
connection with each other.
Make it a priority, at least aminimum of one day a week.
We do every opportunity we get,typically every single night
we're, and even if it's just aquick half hour or so, we are
just you and I, very intentionalwith each other, where you are
the only thing in the world thatmatters at this moment.
(27:54):
I'm going to make sure that youknow it.
So that's one way.
Create a safe space forconversation is another.
Speaker 2 (27:59):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (28:01):
Open, honest, nonjudgmental communication
Cause I know I can come to youabout any little thing in the
world or a huge thing in theworld, no matter how bad or how
good or how wild or how crazy,it doesn't matter.
I can come to you and you'regoing to take it in and you may
think what is his freakingproblem?
(28:21):
But he's my husband and I lovehim and if this is what he's
thinking, if this is what hefeels, I'm with him.
Speaker 2 (28:27):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (28:28):
And we will work through this and get through
this or experience this.
We will do this together,doesn't matter.
Speaker 2 (28:33):
If I can do a classroom full of 11th graders
who refuse to read out loud andI start the class off with all
right, we have a passage to readright now and then we're going
to answer questions togetherafter this passage.
But the only work that you'regoing to get to do because I'm
(28:54):
going to help you with rightanswers you are going to read
and, of course, no one wants toread out loud.
There's a handful in the whole,all the classes combined that
will.
Yes, please, I volunteer.
Nobody wants to read out loud,but I preface this with a.
This is a non-judgmental readingzone.
(29:17):
Whether you can read, youstutter, you don't know the
words, you say the wrong words,you can't pronounce the words,
it doesn't matter, I don't careif you read fast, I don't care
if you read slow, as long as weget it done, that's all that
matters.
It has been life-changing forthese kids.
Even the ones that would neverread ever are like yeah, I'll do
(29:37):
one.
I'll just like, just here,break down this paragraph.
If it's too long, just stop,tell me and we'll stop there and
somebody else can pick up.
The kids that you would neverthink that would want to read
out loud are the ones doing that, because I tell them it's the
non-judgmental reading zone well, you have when you do that with
(29:57):
a relationship and you need totalk about things you have to
say all right, this isnon-judgmental.
And when you say those words,you have to mean all right, this
is nonjudgmental.
And when you say those words,you have to mean it.
This isn't a.
I'm listening and I'm sayingthat because I want you to say
what you need to say, but I'mgoing to judge you and I'm going
to go off on you.
No.
Speaker 1 (30:15):
Because I will say this the moment you do that and
you do judge and go off, youwill never.
And you do judge and go off,you will never.
You will never get them to openup ever again.
Speaker 2 (30:29):
It's over.
You can kiss that goodbye.
Speaker 1 (30:30):
That door is shut, it's locked, it's cemented up.
It will never open again.
So you have to create that safespace.
Speaker 2 (30:39):
You have to ask the questions.
Speaker 1 (30:40):
You have to be intentional with it and ask them
hey, check in, how are youfeeling what's going on?
Be intentional with it and askthem hey, check in, how are you
feeling what's going on?
Be intentional with it.
Speaker 2 (30:48):
Don't just say I'm fine, yeah, because that's
always a lie.
Speaker 1 (30:51):
That is always a lie.
So create a safe space.
And then, lastly, you've got torekindle physical touch and
intimacy.
Like you said, we will sit andjust we're under a blanket, legs
are touching.
We're touching in some waybecause it's one of the five
love languages.
It may be high, it may be low,but it's still there and it's
(31:12):
still important and just assimple as a touch.
Holding hands, putting your armaround each other, touching
each other's leg, playingfootsie with each other Any of
that can go such a long way, Iknow for us, just personally
speaking.
I mean, when our legs touch,you begin to rub my foot or
something like that.
Or, you know, rub the back ofmy head.
You get butterflies in yourstomach a little bit and it it
(31:32):
sparks something in you thatquickly it's like oh okay, I
like that.
That feels good.
Speaker 2 (31:37):
And just so fast and so quickly but you also have to
tell each other if that's notsomething that you like.
There have been like the kissearlier today.
I was like, no, that isdisgusting, that is, that's a
gross kiss.
If you're gonna kiss me, youbetter kiss me, right?
(31:58):
I'm not afraid to say that,mostly because you're not gonna
go go.
Well, deal with it.
I'm not kissing you again,mostly because I know I'm going
to get me a real good kiss.
Speaker 1 (32:09):
after that I'm thinking I got the opportunity
to kiss her again.
Yeah, let's go.
Speaker 2 (32:15):
I haven't told you in the past don't hug me like that
.
Ew, I don't like the way youdon't touch me that soft.
You better touch me like youmean it, because if you don't
like how they're doing a certainthing, there's that nudge
judgmental thing.
Hey, I don't like it when youjust hold my pinky.
Yes, I don't want to just bepinky friends that's gross, say
that and that doesn't mean thatthat's going to hurt their
(32:36):
feelings.
No, that means you are lettingthem know well, you, you're
communicating to them.
Hey, I don't like that, but hey,I really like this that's how
you finish it, yes, but when youdo it this way, I love that
yeah, I like that expect to getthat over the what you don't
like.
So if you don't like it, letthem know I don't like this.
Speaker 1 (32:59):
When you touch me like that changes the absolute
game.
So if this is you, if you findyourself going from soulmates to
roommates, there's ways torecognize it, there's ways for
you to be able to correct it andmove past it and get back to be
who you were supposed to be.
But if you do find yourselfthere, no, you're not doomed,
(33:20):
you are not broken, it is notover is fixable.
Every couple goes through thisat some point in time.
Obviously there's differentlevels of that, but everyone
goes through this.
You just have to be open enoughto recognize it, admit that,
hey, we're not going down thisgreat path and be able to go and
correct it and do it together,because you're here for each
(33:41):
other.
So any final thoughts, baby?
Speaker 2 (33:45):
That was good.
Speaker 1 (33:46):
That was very good, very good.
Hopefully it resonates withsomebody.
Speaker 2 (33:49):
Maybe it'll help.
Speaker 1 (33:50):
I hope it helps with somebody.
Listen, if this is you, let usknow.
We'd love to hear these stories.
This is anybody.
We would love to hear the storyof hey, I'm going through this
right now.
What can we do?
Or hey, we did go through thisand here are the things that we
did and this is where it took us, from here to here.
Those stories are amazing andthose are stories that need to
be told, so other people willknow oh crap, they did that.
(34:11):
That another, you know anothercouple went through this and
they got through it.
We're going through.
Those changed everything for somany people.
So hopefully this helps let'sget out of here.
Speaker 2 (34:22):
Let's go.
Speaker 1 (34:23):
Let's go, god.
We love you.
God helps.
Let's get out of here, let's go.
Let's go, god.
We love you.
God, we are so thankful forwhat you do.
We're thankful for thisplatform that you have given us
and pray that we will just useit how you want it, god.
Pray that it reaches the earsthat need to hear it, reaches
the people that need to hear itin the right moments that they
need to hear it, where it can beimpactful for them.
God, we pray that what we docan point people to you, no
(34:43):
matter how silly it may seem orbe, that in some way it points
people back to you, because thisis what it's all about, and
you're the reason that we havethis.
You're the reason that we haveeach other and, god, we just
thank you so much for that.
We never want to take it forgranted.
Just thank you In Jesus name,amen.
Speaker 2 (35:00):
Amen Play ball.
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