June 24, 2025 • 33 mins
Could your good intentions be breaking your marriage?
What if your attempts to guide, correct, or "support" your husband are slowly suffocating your intimacy and turning your partner into a project?
In this bold, eye-opening episode, Matthew and Monica Powers dive headfirst into one of the most destructive, but often ignored, dynamics in marriage: the mothering of husbands by their wives. These aren’t malicious actions. They’re subtle, daily habits: redoing the dishwasher after he loads it, correcting him mid-sentence in public, or taking over because “it’s just easier.” But over time, they erode trust, kill sexual energy, and leave both spouses feeling misunderstood and disconnected.
Through genuine conversation, biblical truth, and real relationship stories, this episode unpacks:
- Why micromanagement is the enemy of intimacy
- How men process respect (and what happens when it’s missing)
- Why women often feel they’re the “only responsible adult”
- How these patterns make husbands retreat and wives resentful
- What a true partnership looks like when respect and responsibility are rebalanced
You’ll walk away with practical tools, not just feel-good advice:
✅ Reframe control into collaboration
✅ Ask empowering questions like “How would you handle this?”
✅ Embrace the courage to let your spouse fail
✅ Take on the 7-Day No-Correction Challenge and watch what happens
And then, the ultimate test:
Ask your husband this brave question, “Do you feel like I trust you?”
His answer could open the door to a level of honesty and intimacy you’ve never had before.
This is not another episode of cliché marriage tips. This is expert talk for couples ready to face real problems with love, humility, and God's power. Whether you’re just married, deep into your journey, or somewhere in between, this conversation is packed with life lessons, laughter, and transformational truth.
🎧 Tune in now to discover how to turn your marriage from a list of tasks into a life-giving partnership built on mutual trust, respect, and romance.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
You know, we see these gigantic explosions and
people think it's just this onething.
And boom, world War III happens, the marriage is over, we hate
each other, but the truth isit's all of this little stuff.
Speaker 2 (00:14):
Build up yeah.
That started long, long ago,that goes here's a question for
you is marriage overrated?
Speaker 1 (00:36):
why aren't people getting married anymore?
Speaker 2 (00:38):
a new pew research poll found that two and five
young adults think marriage isan outdated tradition.
Speaker 1 (00:44):
Marriage rates are at their lowest right now.
Is marriage really even worthit?
More than half of marriages endin divorce.
If you get married, you have tobe stuck with this person for
the rest of your life, right?
Speaker 2 (00:55):
That's why you get married, so that's why it's
declining.
Why would you get married ifyou don't, if you want to have
just one partner, when you canhave multiple.
Marriage is stupid.
Speaker 1 (01:06):
Welcome to the Married AF podcast, the
self-proclaimed greatestmarriage relationship podcast in
the world.
We're your hosts, matthew andMonica Powers, and we are here
to talk about things women aredoing to push their husbands
away, without even realizing it.
Without knowing realizing it,without knowing, without even
realizing that they'renecessarily doing this or that
(01:26):
it's hazardous to theirrelationship, or what it may be
doing to their husbands.
And, yes, women are doing this.
I'm not going to say thathusbands are out of the woods
and don't cause some of thisstuff to happen, but there was
an article recently and it wasjust showing the things that
women are doing, just small,slight, little things that are
completely destroying theirrelationships Because it slowly
(01:49):
and when I say slowly I meanslowly pushes their husbands
further and further and furtheraway.
You know, we see these giganticexplosions and people think
it's just this one thing andboom, world War III happens, the
marriage is over, we hate eachother.
But the truth is it's all ofthis little stuff.
Speaker 2 (02:11):
Builds up yeah.
Speaker 1 (02:12):
That started long, long ago, that goes without
attention, sometimes withoutrealizing it, without talking
about it, confronting it,repairing it, and that's what
leads to these types of justabsolute explosions.
So a question, a thoughtprovoking question for anyone
(02:34):
not you, because we're not there, I hope.
Speaker 2 (02:37):
I don't know no we're not there.
I don't I retract my previousstatement.
I do know, and if I don't,something is seriously wrong.
If I don't, we'll my previousstatement.
I do know, and if I don't,something is seriously wrong.
Speaker 1 (02:46):
If I don't, we'd talk about it All right.
So the question to ask yourselfis what if something that I
thought was helping my marriageis actually damaging it rather
than helping it?
Speaker 2 (03:01):
Do you have examples?
Speaker 1 (03:02):
I'd most certainly have examples helping it.
Do you have examples?
I'd most certainly haveexamples the the idea is is that
women are mothering theirhusbands rather than being wives
.
They over correct, theymicromanage and they try to fix
them, and we've always heardthat.
We've always heard like well,he's good enough, or I see
potential, or I can fix him,that's the statement yeah.
(03:25):
I can fix him, I can take careof it.
Like me, good old, powerful meand thinking I'm so smart and
I'm so good and I'm so powerful,I can fix that project right
there.
And the reality is, how manytimes has that actually worked?
Never.
How many times has anyone beenable to fix anybody ever?
(03:47):
Never.
And this is not to blame anybody, this is not anyone's fault.
This is kind of where culturehas led us to believe of well,
he's good enough, if he's withme, I can fix him and I can mold
him into the perfect man, theperfect spouse, the perfect
husband.
So, ultimately, and the redflags that we see are the
(04:10):
mothering things not letting himdo anything, not letting him
fail at all, not letting him getsomething wrong.
I mean, we've seen people whothey have children, and the
wives and the mothers of thesechildren will not even allow
(04:30):
their husbands to stay home withthe kids by themselves, not
because they think he's going todo something horrible to them
or abuse them or anything likethat.
They just don't think he'scompetent enough to be able to
watch over the children.
Yep, what kind of message isthat sending?
He can go, be able to watchover the children.
Speaker 2 (04:44):
Yep.
Speaker 1 (04:45):
What kind of message is that sending?
Speaker 2 (04:47):
He can go to work and make all the money.
He can be the responsibleperson at work, but heaven
forbid, he watch our childrenwhile I go to the grocery store.
Speaker 1 (05:00):
Or just go out for a dinner with a friend, or to go
attend something or to go doanything.
But no, I can't do that becausemy husband, in my mind, is not
capable to take care of thechildren, because women
naturally are nurturers andthey're caregivers, and that's
(05:23):
just how they were created.
They're far better at that typeof stuff than men are.
They always have been, theyalways will be.
But to say that men arecompletely incapable of that is
so incredibly short-sighted.
And you know, society andculture doesn't help this at all
, cause look at any TV show thatwe've ever watched the husbands
are always bozos.
Think about it.
(05:44):
Think about almost any 90s,2000 and even sitcoms today.
The husband is typically somebumbling moron who always screws
up, who always gets it wrong,who's always just kind of an
idiot, doesn't really doanything.
That's how men and husbands aretypically portrayed.
So of course that's what peopleare going to think you just
(06:06):
described peter griffin.
Speaker 2 (06:08):
Yes, peter, griffin.
Speaker 1 (06:10):
He is a bubbling moron but a lot of the husbands
in in shows are like that, likecash has been watching the
middle lately that is hilariousand it's hysterical and it is a
funny, funny show, but the dadis kind of a bozo.
Speaker 2 (06:26):
Just a little bit.
Knows nothing that's reallygoing on.
Just goes to work, comes home,sits on the couch, drinks beer,
eats chips and watches TV.
That's kind of it.
Speaker 1 (06:34):
Young Sheldon, sheldon's dad, same exact guy
King of Queens with Kevin James.
He was just a fumbling idiotmost of the time.
Speaker 2 (06:42):
Family matters.
Speaker 1 (06:43):
Family matters, carl Winslow Carl Winslow was not Tim
Allen, even in a sense kind ofmessed things up a lot of times,
all the time On homeimprovement, and that wasn't
necessarily an extreme, but wesee it over and over and over
again.
So what are some of thesethings that are happening?
What do we see?
Red flags for women to be ableto hopefully catch on to, and
(07:07):
man, if you see this, to be ableto say something about it.
Tell her talk about it, to openup about it.
Um, you correct him in front ofother people oh, what as in?
I mean, think about it for asecond.
You're in a, you're in asetting with, with some friends,
and you're talking aboutwhatever it may be, I don't know
(07:30):
.
Give me any subject that you'retalking about your kids at
school let's talk about the kidsat school and the husband says
something about the project thekid did and just really, really
quickly and instantly, the mom,the wife, jumps in, cuts them
off.
No, no, no, no, you're wrong,it was this and this, little
(07:53):
things like that.
Or, oh, hey, we are going hereon a vacation.
No, we're actually doing thisinstead.
Or hey, we need this done athome.
Or, yeah, I repaired.
I repaired the roof that wasfalling apart, the patch, the
roof at home.
Well, no, we actually had tocall someone to come and just
dumb things like that,correcting him in front of
(08:16):
others.
Here's another one, redoing thethings he has already done,
because you believe he did itwrong.
Speaker 2 (08:26):
Wow.
Speaker 1 (08:26):
I think back to like doing the dishes or doing the
laundry, or maybe even cuttingthe grass.
It wasn't done in the way thatyou wanted it done, so you're
going to go back and you'regoing to do it anyway.
You feel that at times you arethe only responsible adult in
the relationship.
Oh, you bang your head on themic on that one.
What are your thoughts there?
(08:49):
Beautiful.
Speaker 2 (08:49):
That's straight up communication issues.
Speaker 1 (08:52):
Hugely.
Speaker 2 (08:55):
And if this is obviously continuing, no wonder
it leads to killing arelationship.
Well, obviously you're nottelling your wife hey, stop
cutting me off, let me finishthe story, or I just did that.
Why did you go back behind meand do something different?
Speaker 1 (09:20):
Or the one that always gets me, are you can't
ever do anything right, justflat out saying it.
But to feel like you're theonly responsible, you're right.
Talk about just killing therelationship.
I mean just killing everything.
And this is the next red flagthis article talks about, and
this is a result of all this.
When he seems disengaged,withdrawn or passive, when he
(09:45):
seems checked out, that when youdo correct him, he doesn't say
nothing.
Speaker 2 (09:50):
Well, that's what I was just saying.
He just done.
No response, Would you notThat'd be?
That's just not communicationno.
Speaker 1 (10:00):
And I think it comes maybe as a result of
consistently and constantlybeing corrected or told how bad
you are, told how wrong you are,how you're not doing right,
where eventually he's just likewhat's the hassle being mothered
.
In a sense.
In a sense, I can see that,absolutely.
(10:20):
I can see that Another one.
You constantly say things likeand I just said this, I'll just
do it myself.
I mean, how many times do wehear that phrase?
Speaker 2 (10:31):
Not at our house, not at our house.
Speaker 1 (10:34):
We don't hear that at our house at all.
We may jokingly say somethingstupid like that every now and
then, well, we had to stop doingthat.
Oh, we totally did.
Speaker 2 (10:41):
Because our kids thought when they were itty
bitty we thought the kids wouldthink we were fighting.
Speaker 1 (10:48):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (10:49):
But we were seriously joking around.
Speaker 1 (10:51):
Yeah, we were just screwing around, enjoying,
having fun, having a littlelaugh, you would just straight
up say I got to go do somethingmanly.
Speaker 2 (10:57):
Got to do some manly work.
Speaker 1 (10:58):
Can't do nothing right around here, just stupid
stuff like that, because it wasdumb and silly.
Speaker 2 (11:05):
But we see this all the time, but we joke about that
, but we had to hear it or seeit somewhere for us to be so
sarcastic about it.
Oh, totally Because it's nothow we are.
Speaker 1 (11:17):
It totally takes me to, and it was one of our trips
to Disney and you probablyremember this.
We were at Hollywood Studios,the mom, okay.
So we're at Hollywood Studiosand we're hanging out.
We're in the shade because it'swarm outside, we're trying to
find a place to eat.
Kids are just sitting next to us.
Uh, we're on a railing and youand I were both looking at our
(11:37):
phones, looking at the place,this place to eat, what's
available, what do we want?
What has quick serve, what hassomething that's available.
You know, what does thatpossibly look like for us?
And we just hear right next tous and it is a, it's a whole
family.
It is a mom and a dad.
They have, I think, two orthree kids.
It kids.
Speaker 2 (11:54):
It is a grandmother, grandfather extended family.
Speaker 1 (11:57):
I mean it's a group of like 18 people or something
like that, and they're all justkind of sitting there and the
mom like the ringleader mom, theone who clearly put this whole
thing together she's trying tofigure something out and the dad
is completely disengaged, likeher husband is just not even
looking at her, not saying aword giving no input whatsoever.
(12:18):
he's just sitting there like,yep, here it comes, oh, buddy,
the explosion's coming, and herdad says something, and I don't
even know exactly what he said,but just that was it.
It that set it on.
She blew up, explodes on everysingle one of them, and it was
(12:41):
just a.
Who's the one who's waking upearly every morning while all of
you are sleeping?
Who's the one organizing all ofour outfits for the day?
Who is the one who's gettingall the lightning lanes and all
the reservations and all this?
All I want is a thank you, andshe gets no appreciation and she
storms off.
Speaker 2 (13:02):
I felt like I was supposed to applaud there, but
me and you were trying not tolaugh.
Speaker 1 (13:07):
I mean, it was an absolute train wreck and it was
one of those things where you'renot wanting to stare, but oh,
buddy, you were trying to starebecause you cannot take your
eyes off of what is happening'mpretty sure cash heard this cash
totally knew what was going onand he, after we kind of got
away, he goes something to thenature of who made her so mad?
(13:32):
And it was something like whomade her so mad.
We're the happiest place onearth.
Speaker 2 (13:37):
There's something stupid like that.
Speaker 1 (13:38):
It was so simple but, and that's it but after that
cash started noticing how manypeople do that yes, the amount
of arguments and fights that youcan see families having at a
theme park are there's everymaybe 10 steps if you want to
(13:59):
see drama at its finest, go to atheme park, because all you
need to do is just find a tablein the shade, get you some ice
cream, little snack, somethingto drink you can sit back,
people watch and you can see itall and it's all there.
But I think back to that momentwith that woman and her family
and that explosion.
I can't imagine all of thoselittle things that added up to
(14:22):
that point.
And you know what?
She may very well be valid.
Maybe she did wake up early,set everything up, organize the
whole thing, do everything whileeveryone else did nothing.
But I have to believe that justa little bit.
Maybe people along the way weretrying to do things but they
couldn't do it right or up toher standard or the way that she
thought that it should be done.
(14:42):
And there she is trying tomother not just her children,
but her husband, maybe herbrothers and sisters were there,
her parents that were thereeveryone was there.
She's mothering the entiregroup.
You only need to be a mother toyour children, that's it,
nobody else at all.
And when you begin to motheryour spouse, those types of
(15:03):
blowups are going to happen andfor the husbands, that creates
the disengagement, the emotionaldisconnection he's done.
Speaker 2 (15:12):
But I also have to say to the husbands you had to
know and see these signs beforeyou got married, right?
Speaker 1 (15:23):
Possibly.
But I will say, even if youdidn't see them before you got
married, you've seen and noticedthis stuff along the way.
And if you're going to be aleader of the household and I'd
say, be the man of the house,but there are times where men
need to step up and lead youneed to quickly and boldly let
(15:43):
your wife know this is not okay.
The amount of respect she'llhave for you Now, listen, she
probably won't get pissed off atyou in the short term and she
may scream and yell and let youknow how wrong you are in that
instance, but over a little bitof time, if she reflects on that
, she'll probably say, man, hemight have been right about that
.
(16:04):
And listen, I just maybe I'mwrong with this, but if you do,
kind of let her know confidentlyand boldly hey, this is not OK
and this is not how you're goingto speak to me or anyone else.
I wouldn't do this to you.
You know she's probably, she'sprobably gonna like that a
little bit.
Oh yeah, when it's all said anddone, she's probably gonna
think back to like, oh my gosh,look at, look at him taking
charge.
(16:24):
I'm looking at him in a wholenew light.
Yeah, I've never I've nevernoticed this side of him before.
I kind of like this side of him.
I don't know what to do with it.
Speaker 2 (16:33):
I mean the Bible strictly says you leave your
father and mother Girls.
He does not want mom 2.0.
Speaker 1 (16:42):
No, that's the last thing in the world we want.
Speaker 2 (16:45):
No, because you ain't going to do your mom, are you
no?
Speaker 1 (16:48):
I hope, not Hopefully , not God, I hope you're not.
Speaker 2 (16:50):
That's disgusting.
Speaker 1 (16:51):
No, definitely not.
Speaker 2 (16:53):
But that if you're being the mother to him.
He ain't going to look at youthat way and that's just going
to cause other problems.
Speaker 1 (17:02):
You're exactly right.
It's going to be a huge turnofffor men, because what this does
?
It shows a tremendous lack ofrespect, and that is one basic
need for men is respect.
Yeah, I would say women, lethim fail.
He doesn't do something the wayyou like it.
Who cares?
So what does it matter At theend of the day?
What does it matter?
Is it going to destroy anything?
Speaker 2 (17:22):
No, you ain't always got to be right.
Speaker 1 (17:24):
No, because we weren't here, but I don't fold
towels the way that you likethem.
Speaker 2 (17:29):
I don't like the way you fold towels you hate the way
I fold towels and listen.
I hate the way I fold towelsand listen before you.
Speaker 1 (17:35):
I didn't know there was a proper way to fold a towel
.
You just fold it up, let it be.
I also didn't know there's away to fold our bath towels and
also light beach towels.
They're folded in separate ways.
Speaker 2 (17:46):
That's how you know they're different no-transcript.
Speaker 1 (17:55):
You never said I'll just do it myself.
You did teach me and say, hey,this is the way I like towels
folded and this is why I likethem to be folded in this manner
.
And you know what?
Speaker 2 (18:11):
When you approach someone in that manner because
guess what I do now?
You fold the towel right away.
Speaker 1 (18:15):
Now our human nature, all right, right, our human
nature is going to be well,she's going to come at me like
that.
I'm going to purposely foldeverything incorrectly now, but
whenever this was our situation,you came to me I was like hey,
listen, this is how I liketowels to be folded and this is
the reason why I would reallyappreciate it and you know, it's
(18:36):
basically something small andtrivial, but because I care
about you, I love you, I respectyou.
Speaker 2 (18:41):
When they're trifolded, they fit in the spot
the perfect way.
Speaker 1 (18:46):
And all you had to do was just kindly explain it,
absolutely.
Speaker 2 (18:49):
You're like wait Okay .
Speaker 1 (18:52):
Because Makes sense.
Men, by nature we want to beright about things and we want
to do things the right way.
And if we're not doingsomething the right way, explain
to us why and why it wouldbenefit.
And, you know, be like you knowwhat we're not always too
stubborn, not always sometimesto say you know what she might
(19:13):
be right on about, that she maybe on to something.
I think I can do that from nowon.
Speaker 2 (19:18):
And it wasn't but for a few years ago that I just
finally told you.
Speaker 1 (19:23):
Yeah, I was doing it wrong all this time, can?
Speaker 2 (19:25):
you please stop doing towels like this.
Speaker 1 (19:26):
And I was like here's why I'm asking you to please do
them this way, because I wentto get a towel from under the
sink and they were just shoved.
Speaker 2 (19:38):
I'll be honest, they were jammed in that sucker and I
just said matthew, for the loveof god, can you please stop
folding towels like this?
They don't fit.
Look, I pulled all of them outand watched, made you watch me
fold them and put them back inand you just go.
Speaker 1 (19:53):
Well, I never knew that knew that I had no clue.
Speaker 2 (19:55):
And now look, the door closes perfectly and
they're in there, nice and neat.
Everything is exactly how itshould be, and it doesn't take
you an extensive amount of timeto make that little extra fold.
Speaker 1 (20:06):
No, yeah, no, it doesn't, it doesn't.
Speaker 2 (20:08):
And now all the towels fit nicely under the sink
.
Speaker 1 (20:10):
Everything is done exactly how it should be, but
it's little things like that.
And whenever you do, youcorrect him and you jump all
over him, you jump down histhroat.
I mean there's disconnection,disengagement, a feel of lack of
respect and of course thatleads to complete sexual
dysfunction, no intimacywhatsoever, there's no physical
connection there at all, and weknow marriages cannot last
(20:32):
whenever that happens.
Nope, it just simply cannot.
And then ultimately there'slong-term resentment, a pure
hatred in some instances, foreach other.
And it could all easily beavoided when we understand men
want a wife, not a second mother.
It's realistically that easy.
(20:52):
So what are some things?
If you notice this?
What are some ways to right theship?
And again, some men are guiltyof causing their wives to do
this because they're dumb andthey think ha ha, ha, ha ha.
They think it's a funny, stupidjoke.
But if you recognize thishappening, here's some ways to
be able to do that Recognize thepattern first, without shame, I
(21:15):
think, for women to be able torecognize that like, oh man, I
do that, and not feel shame andguilt about it.
To just recognize it.
And the first way to solve aproblem is what?
Recognizing that you actuallyhave one.
It's not about being guiltyabout it.
It's about taking ownership ofit, saying oh yeah, you know
what?
That probably wasn't the bestway for me to do that.
(21:36):
Maybe I should do this insteadto reflect on your tone and your
behavior and how you cancorrect that.
Speaker 2 (21:42):
That is so huge.
Speaker 1 (21:44):
Not tones Dark, ominous tones.
Speaker 2 (21:48):
Yes, tone has so much to do with it.
Having almost having a teenagernow and preteens essentially,
that is one thing that I amreally honing in on with them,
because sometimes the tones thatthey speak with each other it
makes the other mad and withcash it's like bud.
(22:13):
Do you want somebody talking toyou that way?
Because if he just is irritatedto no end with his sister he
would just have a very negativetone.
Because if he were to snap atme with that, tone Better watch
it.
He won't be able to speak againit would not be pretty, that's
(22:33):
for sure.
And all I have to do is givehim a look.
If he does something to eitherof us and he's I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, but he doesn't thinkabout that when it comes to
other people.
And if you're not thinkingabout that when it comes to
other people, you're going tospeak to your spouse or your
girlfriend or boyfriend in thattone and it is not going to be
(22:57):
received.
Speaker 1 (22:57):
Well, no, and I think that's a great way that you you
point that to our kids wheneverthey are in that tone.
I mean, you just got, would you?
Would you like this?
How would you feel if someonewere to speak to you like this
and really reflect?
And I think that that issomething that can easily go
along with spouses.
Whenever you do snap at yourspouse for any reason, take a
second to reflect and askyourself that question how would
(23:19):
I feel if the roles werereversed and he spoke to me this
way, or how would I feel if shespoke to me this way?
It can completely change thegame if we really look at that.
The second way to how toovercome this is reframe respect
.
I love what the article saidabout this.
Instead of fixing, instead ofasking the fix questions or
(23:43):
trying to fix him, ask him thisinstead.
How would you like to handlethis?
What do you think about thissituation?
How would you solve thisproblem?
How would you do this?
I will say that would go so far.
Speaker 2 (24:00):
I still do that with you, and I mean, I don't mother
you.
Speaker 1 (24:03):
No.
Speaker 2 (24:03):
But I'll always go.
Okay, baby, what if blah, blah,blah?
How would you handle this?
I mean even with, like, if Ihad a situation come up coaching
or at school, hey, this, howwould you?
What's your opinion on this?
Speaker 1 (24:22):
And I think that goes .
It goes such a long way,especially for a man, because we
desire respect and that's justshowing a sign of respect.
Speaker 2 (24:31):
Like she wants to hear what I have to say.
Speaker 1 (24:32):
She's interested in my opinion and what I think
about something.
She values what I have to say.
She's interested in my opinionand what I think about something
.
She values what I have to say.
That's how that comes across.
Just asking your husband, hey,how would you do this?
He's going to think, oh my gosh, she actually cares what I have
to say, which I think goes ahuge, huge way.
The next one rebuild emotionalsafety is what it says, but
(24:54):
ultimately let him fail.
And we said that earlier.
Let him fail.
All greatest inventions happenbecause of failures.
I always loved the WD-40 storyWorst product name ever, not
creative at all.
But WD-40 stands for waterdisplacement.
On the 40th try, the creator ofWD-40 had tried it 39 times and
(25:17):
he failed.
If he was not allowed to fail,we would never have WD-40.
The Dyson vacuum was the exactsame way.
Had 5,000 prototypes beforethey finally got it right.
Men are no different withanything that they do.
Let him fail.
Let him learn from it.
We never learn anything if wedo not fail.
Speaker 2 (25:39):
Sure.
Speaker 1 (25:40):
Also let him lead, even if it's different than what
you would allow him to lead.
And when you ask those types ofquestions of how would you do
this?
Guess what's going to happen?
He's eventually going to askyou those same questions.
There's going to be a mutualrespect for one another, right
there.
Speaker 2 (25:58):
It goes so far.
Speaker 1 (26:00):
Oh, it goes tremendously far.
Reset the household rolestogether.
Ask what's working, what's not.
Speaker 2 (26:08):
Household roles.
Speaker 1 (26:10):
Roles, Like doing the stuff we hate doing around the
house the laundry, the dishes,the cooking, the cleaning the
yard, the this, the that, All ofthat stuff.
Do those things together.
My grandmother always said manyhands make light work.
Speaker 2 (26:26):
I'm not doing the trash.
Speaker 1 (26:27):
I know you're not doing the trash and you know
what.
That's perfectly fine.
Our son does the trash.
Speaker 2 (26:31):
Now.
Speaker 1 (26:31):
Now, which is great.
Listen, no one's going to helpme with the clothes folding
party.
It's just not going to exist.
I hate it because I want tohave clothes folding parties but
no one ever wants to join me inthose.
Speaker 2 (26:43):
Or putting them away.
Speaker 1 (26:45):
And then, lastly and of course, what does the Bible
say?
Speaker 2 (26:50):
Why would that be last?
Speaker 1 (26:52):
It shouldn't be last, it should actually be the very
first thing.
But you know, usually we go tothe Lord as our last resort
instead of the first response.
And it should be our firstresponse.
But as we look at all of it,what does the Bible say about it
?
In Ephesians 5, everyone hatesthat, but wives submit to your
husbands.
And then there's the other partthat makes it beautiful is
(27:12):
husband, love your wives the wayChrist loved the church, but
you submit to each other out ofreverence for the Lord.
Submission dirty, awful, nasty,terrible the worst word.
But it works, it justabsolutely works.
It says respect isn't optional,it is oxygen for the male heart
(27:35):
, and I could not agree withthat statement anymore.
And whenever you're gettinginto these situations and you're
having these discussions orthese debates, what is most
important to you?
Are you more interested inmaking a point or making a
(27:57):
difference?
And that's a huge question toask yourself.
Speaker 2 (28:01):
It is, and it's so irritating sometimes when you
and the kids tell me that I'mClaire Dunphy.
Speaker 1 (28:10):
I mean you have been at times.
Speaker 2 (28:13):
I like being right.
Speaker 1 (28:15):
You do.
Speaker 2 (28:15):
But I'm typically not going to say something if I
know I'm going to be wrong.
Speaker 1 (28:19):
This is true.
Speaker 2 (28:21):
I'm not the one that's going to open mouth and
insert foot.
Speaker 1 (28:26):
No, you're not On purpose.
You're pretty calculated inwhat you say.
Speaker 2 (28:30):
I'm not going to spit out information that is not
fact, because if I do, I'm goingto have to go back and retract
my previous statement and coverup all the ways like how did I
screw this up?
Well, and then that's the partwhere it makes you look like,
well, you have to be right,because I don't like to fail,
(28:53):
obviously no, nobody, nobodydoes no, but when you?
Because I don't like to fail,obviously no, nobody wants to,
nobody does no, but when youdon't and you did, instead of
getting back up and startingover, my brain instantly goes to
okay, well, we've got to dothis, Fix it.
Speaker 1 (29:12):
Yeah, fix, we've got to fix, fix, fix, fix, fix I see
a problem?
Speaker 2 (29:15):
There's a problem, but it was the problem I created
, so I have to make it like Iwas right yes and that is, I
don't necessarily do thatbecause I'm not going to open my
mouth.
If I'm typically wrong, I'lllet somebody else be wrong and
go.
Speaker 1 (29:33):
Oh yeah, that's right you play that very well, I like
that role.
Speaker 2 (29:38):
But I can see where y'all think that my previous
life, where I would be ClaireDunphy.
Always gotta be right and Iwill go to all limits to prove
somebody wrong, and when you dothat it is ugly.
(30:00):
Always got to be right and Iwill go to all limits to prove
somebody wrong, and when you dothat it is ugly, it is.
It's not good.
Nobody wants to be around you,nobody cares what you have to
say.
Speaker 1 (30:10):
Nobody's going to listen in at whatever you're
trying to say, even if you areright.
No, you're slowly going to pushpeople further and further and
further away where, eventually,no one can hear you anymore, and
that's the last thing in theworld that we want to happen.
So, some quick action, steps ofthings that you can do.
Ask yourself this question, ifyou resonate with this, and this
is you ask yourself do I treatmy husband like a partner or a
project?
Speaker 2 (30:29):
Yikes.
Speaker 1 (30:30):
And what is the real answer to that?
Is he my partner?
Where we do things together, weare truly two that became one.
Or is he my project and I'mjust trying to make my project
perfect so I can feel good aboutmyself?
Speaker 2 (30:47):
there's not going to be any tools in your crafting
box that's ever going to be ableto fix all the things that you
need to fix.
Speaker 1 (30:55):
No, it is impossible to fix anybody, completely
impossible.
Speaker 2 (31:01):
Not even Felix.
Speaker 1 (31:02):
No, cannot do it at all.
A couple other things.
Try this challenge.
Bite your tongue for seven days, no corrections whatsoever.
Anything he does that you don'tlike, you don't say a word
about it.
What I can promise is he'sgoing to pick up on that quickly
, especially if he is used toyou constantly having some sort
of input.
Speaker 2 (31:22):
Some nagging.
Speaker 1 (31:24):
I say after two or three days he's going to notice
that really quickly.
Speaker 2 (31:28):
Yes, but he also has to know.
You can realize that she's notdoing that, but don't say
anything about it not happening.
Speaker 1 (31:38):
Nope, don't say a word.
But yeah, you don't want anagging wife.
Proverbs tells us it's betterto be in a desert than have a
nagging wife.
Just saying that's biblical,right there, I didn't say that,
don't blame me.
Also, pick one household taskand give it over to him fully.
Where you have no input, nonewhatsoever, say this is yours
fully.
(31:59):
And lastly, ask your spousethis question Do you feel like I
trust you?
Speaker 2 (32:04):
Oh.
Speaker 1 (32:06):
And hopefully he can give you a true, honest answer,
because wherever that answer is,that is where true healing can
begin to happen.
When he's able to give you thatfull, honest answer.
Speaker 2 (32:19):
And don't be surprised if he says no.
Speaker 1 (32:22):
Yeah, and if he does, and you see that, that's
amazing.
Speaker 2 (32:26):
Even at times, that's a growing spot for both of you.
Speaker 1 (32:32):
If he does say no, and that is where he's at
amazing that he answered that no, and that is where he's at
amazing that he answered thathonestly and truthfully, because
now you can truly begin to healthat whole process a whole new
foundation absolutely, you canbegin to repair everything that
is damaged.
Uh, nothing is ever too far gone.
So if this is you and you'rethinking, oh no, I can't,
nothing's ever too far gone.
(32:52):
It can always be repaired, itcan always be healed, it can
always be healed and you canalways be better moving forward.
So you don't have to fixeverything, you don't have to do
it.
You're partners, you're in thistogether.
Anything else you would like toadd?
Any final thoughts whatsoever?
Speaker 2 (33:11):
I love you.
Speaker 1 (33:12):
I love you, let's go.
God, we love you.
We are so thankful for what youdo.
We're thankful we have thisplatform and just want to pray
over what you're doing.
God, just let it reach the earsthat need to hear it.
Let this resonate to the onesthat it needs to resonate to,
and if someone recognizes thisin their relationship, god, I
pray that you can begin to healthe relationship heal both the
(33:34):
individuals, but therelationship together and begin
to piece that back together tohave a marriage that you created
on purpose for purpose, amarriage that is out of this
world like no one ever evenimagined, because it is only you
who provides true healing in itall, and we love you for it In
Jesus name, amen.
Speaker 2 (33:51):
Amen Play ball.
You know, we see these gigantic explosions and
people think it's just this onething.
And boom, world War III happens, the marriage is over, we hate
each other, but the truth isit's all of this little stuff.
Speaker 2 (00:14):
Build up yeah.
That started long, long ago,that goes here's a question for
you is marriage overrated?
Speaker 1 (00:36):
why aren't people getting married anymore?
Speaker 2 (00:38):
a new pew research poll found that two and five
young adults think marriage isan outdated tradition.
Speaker 1 (00:44):
Marriage rates are at their lowest right now.
Is marriage really even worthit?
More than half of marriages endin divorce.
If you get married, you have tobe stuck with this person for
the rest of your life, right?
Speaker 2 (00:55):
That's why you get married, so that's why it's
declining.
Why would you get married ifyou don't, if you want to have
just one partner, when you canhave multiple.
Marriage is stupid.
Speaker 1 (01:06):
Welcome to the Married AF podcast, the
self-proclaimed greatestmarriage relationship podcast in
the world.
We're your hosts, matthew andMonica Powers, and we are here
to talk about things women aredoing to push their husbands
away, without even realizing it.
Without knowing realizing it,without knowing, without even
realizing that they'renecessarily doing this or that
(01:26):
it's hazardous to theirrelationship, or what it may be
doing to their husbands.
And, yes, women are doing this.
I'm not going to say thathusbands are out of the woods
and don't cause some of thisstuff to happen, but there was
an article recently and it wasjust showing the things that
women are doing, just small,slight, little things that are
completely destroying theirrelationships Because it slowly
(01:49):
and when I say slowly I meanslowly pushes their husbands
further and further and furtheraway.
You know, we see these giganticexplosions and people think
it's just this one thing andboom, world War III happens, the
marriage is over, we hate eachother.
But the truth is it's all ofthis little stuff.
Speaker 2 (02:11):
Builds up yeah.
Speaker 1 (02:12):
That started long, long ago, that goes without
attention, sometimes withoutrealizing it, without talking
about it, confronting it,repairing it, and that's what
leads to these types of justabsolute explosions.
So a question, a thoughtprovoking question for anyone
(02:34):
not you, because we're not there, I hope.
Speaker 2 (02:37):
I don't know no we're not there.
I don't I retract my previousstatement.
I do know, and if I don't,something is seriously wrong.
If I don't, we'll my previousstatement.
I do know, and if I don't,something is seriously wrong.
Speaker 1 (02:46):
If I don't, we'd talk about it All right.
So the question to ask yourselfis what if something that I
thought was helping my marriageis actually damaging it rather
than helping it?
Speaker 2 (03:01):
Do you have examples?
Speaker 1 (03:02):
I'd most certainly have examples helping it.
Do you have examples?
I'd most certainly haveexamples the the idea is is that
women are mothering theirhusbands rather than being wives
.
They over correct, theymicromanage and they try to fix
them, and we've always heardthat.
We've always heard like well,he's good enough, or I see
potential, or I can fix him,that's the statement yeah.
(03:25):
I can fix him, I can take careof it.
Like me, good old, powerful meand thinking I'm so smart and
I'm so good and I'm so powerful,I can fix that project right
there.
And the reality is, how manytimes has that actually worked?
Never.
How many times has anyone beenable to fix anybody ever?
(03:47):
Never.
And this is not to blame anybody, this is not anyone's fault.
This is kind of where culturehas led us to believe of well,
he's good enough, if he's withme, I can fix him and I can mold
him into the perfect man, theperfect spouse, the perfect
husband.
So, ultimately, and the redflags that we see are the
(04:10):
mothering things not letting himdo anything, not letting him
fail at all, not letting him getsomething wrong.
I mean, we've seen people whothey have children, and the
wives and the mothers of thesechildren will not even allow
(04:30):
their husbands to stay home withthe kids by themselves, not
because they think he's going todo something horrible to them
or abuse them or anything likethat.
They just don't think he'scompetent enough to be able to
watch over the children.
Yep, what kind of message isthat sending?
He can go, be able to watchover the children.
Speaker 2 (04:44):
Yep.
Speaker 1 (04:45):
What kind of message is that sending?
Speaker 2 (04:47):
He can go to work and make all the money.
He can be the responsibleperson at work, but heaven
forbid, he watch our childrenwhile I go to the grocery store.
Speaker 1 (05:00):
Or just go out for a dinner with a friend, or to go
attend something or to go doanything.
But no, I can't do that becausemy husband, in my mind, is not
capable to take care of thechildren, because women
naturally are nurturers andthey're caregivers, and that's
(05:23):
just how they were created.
They're far better at that typeof stuff than men are.
They always have been, theyalways will be.
But to say that men arecompletely incapable of that is
so incredibly short-sighted.
And you know, society andculture doesn't help this at all
, cause look at any TV show thatwe've ever watched the husbands
are always bozos.
Think about it.
(05:44):
Think about almost any 90s,2000 and even sitcoms today.
The husband is typically somebumbling moron who always screws
up, who always gets it wrong,who's always just kind of an
idiot, doesn't really doanything.
That's how men and husbands aretypically portrayed.
So of course that's what peopleare going to think you just
(06:06):
described peter griffin.
Speaker 2 (06:08):
Yes, peter, griffin.
Speaker 1 (06:10):
He is a bubbling moron but a lot of the husbands
in in shows are like that, likecash has been watching the
middle lately that is hilariousand it's hysterical and it is a
funny, funny show, but the dadis kind of a bozo.
Speaker 2 (06:26):
Just a little bit.
Knows nothing that's reallygoing on.
Just goes to work, comes home,sits on the couch, drinks beer,
eats chips and watches TV.
That's kind of it.
Speaker 1 (06:34):
Young Sheldon, sheldon's dad, same exact guy
King of Queens with Kevin James.
He was just a fumbling idiotmost of the time.
Speaker 2 (06:42):
Family matters.
Speaker 1 (06:43):
Family matters, carl Winslow Carl Winslow was not Tim
Allen, even in a sense kind ofmessed things up a lot of times,
all the time On homeimprovement, and that wasn't
necessarily an extreme, but wesee it over and over and over
again.
So what are some of thesethings that are happening?
What do we see?
Red flags for women to be ableto hopefully catch on to, and
(07:07):
man, if you see this, to be ableto say something about it.
Tell her talk about it, to openup about it.
Um, you correct him in front ofother people oh, what as in?
I mean, think about it for asecond.
You're in a, you're in asetting with, with some friends,
and you're talking aboutwhatever it may be, I don't know
(07:30):
.
Give me any subject that you'retalking about your kids at
school let's talk about the kidsat school and the husband says
something about the project thekid did and just really, really
quickly and instantly, the mom,the wife, jumps in, cuts them
off.
No, no, no, no, you're wrong,it was this and this, little
(07:53):
things like that.
Or, oh, hey, we are going hereon a vacation.
No, we're actually doing thisinstead.
Or hey, we need this done athome.
Or, yeah, I repaired.
I repaired the roof that wasfalling apart, the patch, the
roof at home.
Well, no, we actually had tocall someone to come and just
dumb things like that,correcting him in front of
(08:16):
others.
Here's another one, redoing thethings he has already done,
because you believe he did itwrong.
Speaker 2 (08:26):
Wow.
Speaker 1 (08:26):
I think back to like doing the dishes or doing the
laundry, or maybe even cuttingthe grass.
It wasn't done in the way thatyou wanted it done, so you're
going to go back and you'regoing to do it anyway.
You feel that at times you arethe only responsible adult in
the relationship.
Oh, you bang your head on themic on that one.
What are your thoughts there?
(08:49):
Beautiful.
Speaker 2 (08:49):
That's straight up communication issues.
Speaker 1 (08:52):
Hugely.
Speaker 2 (08:55):
And if this is obviously continuing, no wonder
it leads to killing arelationship.
Well, obviously you're nottelling your wife hey, stop
cutting me off, let me finishthe story, or I just did that.
Why did you go back behind meand do something different?
Speaker 1 (09:20):
Or the one that always gets me, are you can't
ever do anything right, justflat out saying it.
But to feel like you're theonly responsible, you're right.
Talk about just killing therelationship.
I mean just killing everything.
And this is the next red flagthis article talks about, and
this is a result of all this.
When he seems disengaged,withdrawn or passive, when he
(09:45):
seems checked out, that when youdo correct him, he doesn't say
nothing.
Speaker 2 (09:50):
Well, that's what I was just saying.
He just done.
No response, Would you notThat'd be?
That's just not communicationno.
Speaker 1 (10:00):
And I think it comes maybe as a result of
consistently and constantlybeing corrected or told how bad
you are, told how wrong you are,how you're not doing right,
where eventually he's just likewhat's the hassle being mothered
.
In a sense.
In a sense, I can see that,absolutely.
(10:20):
I can see that Another one.
You constantly say things likeand I just said this, I'll just
do it myself.
I mean, how many times do wehear that phrase?
Speaker 2 (10:31):
Not at our house, not at our house.
Speaker 1 (10:34):
We don't hear that at our house at all.
We may jokingly say somethingstupid like that every now and
then, well, we had to stop doingthat.
Oh, we totally did.
Speaker 2 (10:41):
Because our kids thought when they were itty
bitty we thought the kids wouldthink we were fighting.
Speaker 1 (10:48):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (10:49):
But we were seriously joking around.
Speaker 1 (10:51):
Yeah, we were just screwing around, enjoying,
having fun, having a littlelaugh, you would just straight
up say I got to go do somethingmanly.
Speaker 2 (10:57):
Got to do some manly work.
Speaker 1 (10:58):
Can't do nothing right around here, just stupid
stuff like that, because it wasdumb and silly.
Speaker 2 (11:05):
But we see this all the time, but we joke about that
, but we had to hear it or seeit somewhere for us to be so
sarcastic about it.
Oh, totally Because it's nothow we are.
Speaker 1 (11:17):
It totally takes me to, and it was one of our trips
to Disney and you probablyremember this.
We were at Hollywood Studios,the mom, okay.
So we're at Hollywood Studiosand we're hanging out.
We're in the shade because it'swarm outside, we're trying to
find a place to eat.
Kids are just sitting next to us.
Uh, we're on a railing and youand I were both looking at our
(11:37):
phones, looking at the place,this place to eat, what's
available, what do we want?
What has quick serve, what hassomething that's available.
You know, what does thatpossibly look like for us?
And we just hear right next tous and it is a, it's a whole
family.
It is a mom and a dad.
They have, I think, two orthree kids.
It kids.
Speaker 2 (11:54):
It is a grandmother, grandfather extended family.
Speaker 1 (11:57):
I mean it's a group of like 18 people or something
like that, and they're all justkind of sitting there and the
mom like the ringleader mom, theone who clearly put this whole
thing together she's trying tofigure something out and the dad
is completely disengaged, likeher husband is just not even
looking at her, not saying aword giving no input whatsoever.
(12:18):
he's just sitting there like,yep, here it comes, oh, buddy,
the explosion's coming, and herdad says something, and I don't
even know exactly what he said,but just that was it.
It that set it on.
She blew up, explodes on everysingle one of them, and it was
(12:41):
just a.
Who's the one who's waking upearly every morning while all of
you are sleeping?
Who's the one organizing all ofour outfits for the day?
Who is the one who's gettingall the lightning lanes and all
the reservations and all this?
All I want is a thank you, andshe gets no appreciation and she
storms off.
Speaker 2 (13:02):
I felt like I was supposed to applaud there, but
me and you were trying not tolaugh.
Speaker 1 (13:07):
I mean, it was an absolute train wreck and it was
one of those things where you'renot wanting to stare, but oh,
buddy, you were trying to starebecause you cannot take your
eyes off of what is happening'mpretty sure cash heard this cash
totally knew what was going onand he, after we kind of got
away, he goes something to thenature of who made her so mad?
(13:32):
And it was something like whomade her so mad.
We're the happiest place onearth.
Speaker 2 (13:37):
There's something stupid like that.
Speaker 1 (13:38):
It was so simple but, and that's it but after that
cash started noticing how manypeople do that yes, the amount
of arguments and fights that youcan see families having at a
theme park are there's everymaybe 10 steps if you want to
(13:59):
see drama at its finest, go to atheme park, because all you
need to do is just find a tablein the shade, get you some ice
cream, little snack, somethingto drink you can sit back,
people watch and you can see itall and it's all there.
But I think back to that momentwith that woman and her family
and that explosion.
I can't imagine all of thoselittle things that added up to
(14:22):
that point.
And you know what?
She may very well be valid.
Maybe she did wake up early,set everything up, organize the
whole thing, do everything whileeveryone else did nothing.
But I have to believe that justa little bit.
Maybe people along the way weretrying to do things but they
couldn't do it right or up toher standard or the way that she
thought that it should be done.
(14:42):
And there she is trying tomother not just her children,
but her husband, maybe herbrothers and sisters were there,
her parents that were thereeveryone was there.
She's mothering the entiregroup.
You only need to be a mother toyour children, that's it,
nobody else at all.
And when you begin to motheryour spouse, those types of
(15:03):
blowups are going to happen andfor the husbands, that creates
the disengagement, the emotionaldisconnection he's done.
Speaker 2 (15:12):
But I also have to say to the husbands you had to
know and see these signs beforeyou got married, right?
Speaker 1 (15:23):
Possibly.
But I will say, even if youdidn't see them before you got
married, you've seen and noticedthis stuff along the way.
And if you're going to be aleader of the household and I'd
say, be the man of the house,but there are times where men
need to step up and lead youneed to quickly and boldly let
(15:43):
your wife know this is not okay.
The amount of respect she'llhave for you Now, listen, she
probably won't get pissed off atyou in the short term and she
may scream and yell and let youknow how wrong you are in that
instance, but over a little bitof time, if she reflects on that
, she'll probably say, man, hemight have been right about that
.
(16:04):
And listen, I just maybe I'mwrong with this, but if you do,
kind of let her know confidentlyand boldly hey, this is not OK
and this is not how you're goingto speak to me or anyone else.
I wouldn't do this to you.
You know she's probably, she'sprobably gonna like that a
little bit.
Oh yeah, when it's all said anddone, she's probably gonna
think back to like, oh my gosh,look at, look at him taking
charge.
(16:24):
I'm looking at him in a wholenew light.
Yeah, I've never I've nevernoticed this side of him before.
I kind of like this side of him.
I don't know what to do with it.
Speaker 2 (16:33):
I mean the Bible strictly says you leave your
father and mother Girls.
He does not want mom 2.0.
Speaker 1 (16:42):
No, that's the last thing in the world we want.
Speaker 2 (16:45):
No, because you ain't going to do your mom, are you
no?
Speaker 1 (16:48):
I hope, not Hopefully , not God, I hope you're not.
Speaker 2 (16:50):
That's disgusting.
Speaker 1 (16:51):
No, definitely not.
Speaker 2 (16:53):
But that if you're being the mother to him.
He ain't going to look at youthat way and that's just going
to cause other problems.
Speaker 1 (17:02):
You're exactly right.
It's going to be a huge turnofffor men, because what this does
?
It shows a tremendous lack ofrespect, and that is one basic
need for men is respect.
Yeah, I would say women, lethim fail.
He doesn't do something the wayyou like it.
Who cares?
So what does it matter At theend of the day?
What does it matter?
Is it going to destroy anything?
Speaker 2 (17:22):
No, you ain't always got to be right.
Speaker 1 (17:24):
No, because we weren't here, but I don't fold
towels the way that you likethem.
Speaker 2 (17:29):
I don't like the way you fold towels you hate the way
I fold towels and listen.
I hate the way I fold towelsand listen before you.
Speaker 1 (17:35):
I didn't know there was a proper way to fold a towel
.
You just fold it up, let it be.
I also didn't know there's away to fold our bath towels and
also light beach towels.
They're folded in separate ways.
Speaker 2 (17:46):
That's how you know they're different no-transcript.
Speaker 1 (17:55):
You never said I'll just do it myself.
You did teach me and say, hey,this is the way I like towels
folded and this is why I likethem to be folded in this manner
.
And you know what?
Speaker 2 (18:11):
When you approach someone in that manner because
guess what I do now?
You fold the towel right away.
Speaker 1 (18:15):
Now our human nature, all right, right, our human
nature is going to be well,she's going to come at me like
that.
I'm going to purposely foldeverything incorrectly now, but
whenever this was our situation,you came to me I was like hey,
listen, this is how I liketowels to be folded and this is
the reason why I would reallyappreciate it and you know, it's
(18:36):
basically something small andtrivial, but because I care
about you, I love you, I respectyou.
Speaker 2 (18:41):
When they're trifolded, they fit in the spot
the perfect way.
Speaker 1 (18:46):
And all you had to do was just kindly explain it,
absolutely.
Speaker 2 (18:49):
You're like wait Okay .
Speaker 1 (18:52):
Because Makes sense.
Men, by nature we want to beright about things and we want
to do things the right way.
And if we're not doingsomething the right way, explain
to us why and why it wouldbenefit.
And, you know, be like you knowwhat we're not always too
stubborn, not always sometimesto say you know what she might
(19:13):
be right on about, that she maybe on to something.
I think I can do that from nowon.
Speaker 2 (19:18):
And it wasn't but for a few years ago that I just
finally told you.
Speaker 1 (19:23):
Yeah, I was doing it wrong all this time, can?
Speaker 2 (19:25):
you please stop doing towels like this.
Speaker 1 (19:26):
And I was like here's why I'm asking you to please do
them this way, because I wentto get a towel from under the
sink and they were just shoved.
Speaker 2 (19:38):
I'll be honest, they were jammed in that sucker and I
just said matthew, for the loveof god, can you please stop
folding towels like this?
They don't fit.
Look, I pulled all of them outand watched, made you watch me
fold them and put them back inand you just go.
Speaker 1 (19:53):
Well, I never knew that knew that I had no clue.
Speaker 2 (19:55):
And now look, the door closes perfectly and
they're in there, nice and neat.
Everything is exactly how itshould be, and it doesn't take
you an extensive amount of timeto make that little extra fold.
Speaker 1 (20:06):
No, yeah, no, it doesn't, it doesn't.
Speaker 2 (20:08):
And now all the towels fit nicely under the sink
.
Speaker 1 (20:10):
Everything is done exactly how it should be, but
it's little things like that.
And whenever you do, youcorrect him and you jump all
over him, you jump down histhroat.
I mean there's disconnection,disengagement, a feel of lack of
respect and of course thatleads to complete sexual
dysfunction, no intimacywhatsoever, there's no physical
connection there at all, and weknow marriages cannot last
(20:32):
whenever that happens.
Nope, it just simply cannot.
And then ultimately there'slong-term resentment, a pure
hatred in some instances, foreach other.
And it could all easily beavoided when we understand men
want a wife, not a second mother.
It's realistically that easy.
(20:52):
So what are some things?
If you notice this?
What are some ways to right theship?
And again, some men are guiltyof causing their wives to do
this because they're dumb andthey think ha ha, ha, ha ha.
They think it's a funny, stupidjoke.
But if you recognize thishappening, here's some ways to
be able to do that Recognize thepattern first, without shame, I
(21:15):
think, for women to be able torecognize that like, oh man, I
do that, and not feel shame andguilt about it.
To just recognize it.
And the first way to solve aproblem is what?
Recognizing that you actuallyhave one.
It's not about being guiltyabout it.
It's about taking ownership ofit, saying oh yeah, you know
what?
That probably wasn't the bestway for me to do that.
(21:36):
Maybe I should do this insteadto reflect on your tone and your
behavior and how you cancorrect that.
Speaker 2 (21:42):
That is so huge.
Speaker 1 (21:44):
Not tones Dark, ominous tones.
Speaker 2 (21:48):
Yes, tone has so much to do with it.
Having almost having a teenagernow and preteens essentially,
that is one thing that I amreally honing in on with them,
because sometimes the tones thatthey speak with each other it
makes the other mad and withcash it's like bud.
(22:13):
Do you want somebody talking toyou that way?
Because if he just is irritatedto no end with his sister he
would just have a very negativetone.
Because if he were to snap atme with that, tone Better watch
it.
He won't be able to speak againit would not be pretty, that's
(22:33):
for sure.
And all I have to do is givehim a look.
If he does something to eitherof us and he's I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, but he doesn't thinkabout that when it comes to
other people.
And if you're not thinkingabout that when it comes to
other people, you're going tospeak to your spouse or your
girlfriend or boyfriend in thattone and it is not going to be
(22:57):
received.
Speaker 1 (22:57):
Well, no, and I think that's a great way that you you
point that to our kids wheneverthey are in that tone.
I mean, you just got, would you?
Would you like this?
How would you feel if someonewere to speak to you like this
and really reflect?
And I think that that issomething that can easily go
along with spouses.
Whenever you do snap at yourspouse for any reason, take a
second to reflect and askyourself that question how would
(23:19):
I feel if the roles werereversed and he spoke to me this
way, or how would I feel if shespoke to me this way?
It can completely change thegame if we really look at that.
The second way to how toovercome this is reframe respect
.
I love what the article saidabout this.
Instead of fixing, instead ofasking the fix questions or
(23:43):
trying to fix him, ask him thisinstead.
How would you like to handlethis?
What do you think about thissituation?
How would you solve thisproblem?
How would you do this?
I will say that would go so far.
Speaker 2 (24:00):
I still do that with you, and I mean, I don't mother
you.
Speaker 1 (24:03):
No.
Speaker 2 (24:03):
But I'll always go.
Okay, baby, what if blah, blah,blah?
How would you handle this?
I mean even with, like, if Ihad a situation come up coaching
or at school, hey, this, howwould you?
What's your opinion on this?
Speaker 1 (24:22):
And I think that goes .
It goes such a long way,especially for a man, because we
desire respect and that's justshowing a sign of respect.
Speaker 2 (24:31):
Like she wants to hear what I have to say.
Speaker 1 (24:32):
She's interested in my opinion and what I think
about something.
She values what I have to say.
She's interested in my opinionand what I think about something
.
She values what I have to say.
That's how that comes across.
Just asking your husband, hey,how would you do this?
He's going to think, oh my gosh, she actually cares what I have
to say, which I think goes ahuge, huge way.
The next one rebuild emotionalsafety is what it says, but
(24:54):
ultimately let him fail.
And we said that earlier.
Let him fail.
All greatest inventions happenbecause of failures.
I always loved the WD-40 storyWorst product name ever, not
creative at all.
But WD-40 stands for waterdisplacement.
On the 40th try, the creator ofWD-40 had tried it 39 times and
(25:17):
he failed.
If he was not allowed to fail,we would never have WD-40.
The Dyson vacuum was the exactsame way.
Had 5,000 prototypes beforethey finally got it right.
Men are no different withanything that they do.
Let him fail.
Let him learn from it.
We never learn anything if wedo not fail.
Speaker 2 (25:39):
Sure.
Speaker 1 (25:40):
Also let him lead, even if it's different than what
you would allow him to lead.
And when you ask those types ofquestions of how would you do
this?
Guess what's going to happen?
He's eventually going to askyou those same questions.
There's going to be a mutualrespect for one another, right
there.
Speaker 2 (25:58):
It goes so far.
Speaker 1 (26:00):
Oh, it goes tremendously far.
Reset the household rolestogether.
Ask what's working, what's not.
Speaker 2 (26:08):
Household roles.
Speaker 1 (26:10):
Roles, Like doing the stuff we hate doing around the
house the laundry, the dishes,the cooking, the cleaning the
yard, the this, the that, All ofthat stuff.
Do those things together.
My grandmother always said manyhands make light work.
Speaker 2 (26:26):
I'm not doing the trash.
Speaker 1 (26:27):
I know you're not doing the trash and you know
what.
That's perfectly fine.
Our son does the trash.
Speaker 2 (26:31):
Now.
Speaker 1 (26:31):
Now, which is great.
Listen, no one's going to helpme with the clothes folding
party.
It's just not going to exist.
I hate it because I want tohave clothes folding parties but
no one ever wants to join me inthose.
Speaker 2 (26:43):
Or putting them away.
Speaker 1 (26:45):
And then, lastly and of course, what does the Bible
say?
Speaker 2 (26:50):
Why would that be last?
Speaker 1 (26:52):
It shouldn't be last, it should actually be the very
first thing.
But you know, usually we go tothe Lord as our last resort
instead of the first response.
And it should be our firstresponse.
But as we look at all of it,what does the Bible say about it
?
In Ephesians 5, everyone hatesthat, but wives submit to your
husbands.
And then there's the other partthat makes it beautiful is
(27:12):
husband, love your wives the wayChrist loved the church, but
you submit to each other out ofreverence for the Lord.
Submission dirty, awful, nasty,terrible the worst word.
But it works, it justabsolutely works.
It says respect isn't optional,it is oxygen for the male heart
(27:35):
, and I could not agree withthat statement anymore.
And whenever you're gettinginto these situations and you're
having these discussions orthese debates, what is most
important to you?
Are you more interested inmaking a point or making a
(27:57):
difference?
And that's a huge question toask yourself.
Speaker 2 (28:01):
It is, and it's so irritating sometimes when you
and the kids tell me that I'mClaire Dunphy.
Speaker 1 (28:10):
I mean you have been at times.
Speaker 2 (28:13):
I like being right.
Speaker 1 (28:15):
You do.
Speaker 2 (28:15):
But I'm typically not going to say something if I
know I'm going to be wrong.
Speaker 1 (28:19):
This is true.
Speaker 2 (28:21):
I'm not the one that's going to open mouth and
insert foot.
Speaker 1 (28:26):
No, you're not On purpose.
You're pretty calculated inwhat you say.
Speaker 2 (28:30):
I'm not going to spit out information that is not
fact, because if I do, I'm goingto have to go back and retract
my previous statement and coverup all the ways like how did I
screw this up?
Well, and then that's the partwhere it makes you look like,
well, you have to be right,because I don't like to fail,
(28:53):
obviously no, nobody, nobodydoes no, but when you?
Because I don't like to fail,obviously no, nobody wants to,
nobody does no, but when youdon't and you did, instead of
getting back up and startingover, my brain instantly goes to
okay, well, we've got to dothis, Fix it.
Speaker 1 (29:12):
Yeah, fix, we've got to fix, fix, fix, fix, fix I see
a problem?
Speaker 2 (29:15):
There's a problem, but it was the problem I created
, so I have to make it like Iwas right yes and that is, I
don't necessarily do thatbecause I'm not going to open my
mouth.
If I'm typically wrong, I'lllet somebody else be wrong and
go.
Speaker 1 (29:33):
Oh yeah, that's right you play that very well, I like
that role.
Speaker 2 (29:38):
But I can see where y'all think that my previous
life, where I would be ClaireDunphy.
Always gotta be right and Iwill go to all limits to prove
somebody wrong, and when you dothat it is ugly.
(30:00):
Always got to be right and Iwill go to all limits to prove
somebody wrong, and when you dothat it is ugly, it is.
It's not good.
Nobody wants to be around you,nobody cares what you have to
say.
Speaker 1 (30:10):
Nobody's going to listen in at whatever you're
trying to say, even if you areright.
No, you're slowly going to pushpeople further and further and
further away where, eventually,no one can hear you anymore, and
that's the last thing in theworld that we want to happen.
So, some quick action, steps ofthings that you can do.
Ask yourself this question, ifyou resonate with this, and this
is you ask yourself do I treatmy husband like a partner or a
project?
Speaker 2 (30:29):
Yikes.
Speaker 1 (30:30):
And what is the real answer to that?
Is he my partner?
Where we do things together, weare truly two that became one.
Or is he my project and I'mjust trying to make my project
perfect so I can feel good aboutmyself?
Speaker 2 (30:47):
there's not going to be any tools in your crafting
box that's ever going to be ableto fix all the things that you
need to fix.
Speaker 1 (30:55):
No, it is impossible to fix anybody, completely
impossible.
Speaker 2 (31:01):
Not even Felix.
Speaker 1 (31:02):
No, cannot do it at all.
A couple other things.
Try this challenge.
Bite your tongue for seven days, no corrections whatsoever.
Anything he does that you don'tlike, you don't say a word
about it.
What I can promise is he'sgoing to pick up on that quickly
, especially if he is used toyou constantly having some sort
of input.
Speaker 2 (31:22):
Some nagging.
Speaker 1 (31:24):
I say after two or three days he's going to notice
that really quickly.
Speaker 2 (31:28):
Yes, but he also has to know.
You can realize that she's notdoing that, but don't say
anything about it not happening.
Speaker 1 (31:38):
Nope, don't say a word.
But yeah, you don't want anagging wife.
Proverbs tells us it's betterto be in a desert than have a
nagging wife.
Just saying that's biblical,right there, I didn't say that,
don't blame me.
Also, pick one household taskand give it over to him fully.
Where you have no input, nonewhatsoever, say this is yours
fully.
(31:59):
And lastly, ask your spousethis question Do you feel like I
trust you?
Speaker 2 (32:04):
Oh.
Speaker 1 (32:06):
And hopefully he can give you a true, honest answer,
because wherever that answer is,that is where true healing can
begin to happen.
When he's able to give you thatfull, honest answer.
Speaker 2 (32:19):
And don't be surprised if he says no.
Speaker 1 (32:22):
Yeah, and if he does, and you see that, that's
amazing.
Speaker 2 (32:26):
Even at times, that's a growing spot for both of you.
Speaker 1 (32:32):
If he does say no, and that is where he's at
amazing that he answered that no, and that is where he's at
amazing that he answered thathonestly and truthfully, because
now you can truly begin to healthat whole process a whole new
foundation absolutely, you canbegin to repair everything that
is damaged.
Uh, nothing is ever too far gone.
So if this is you and you'rethinking, oh no, I can't,
nothing's ever too far gone.
(32:52):
It can always be repaired, itcan always be healed, it can
always be healed and you canalways be better moving forward.
So you don't have to fixeverything, you don't have to do
it.
You're partners, you're in thistogether.
Anything else you would like toadd?
Any final thoughts whatsoever?
Speaker 2 (33:11):
I love you.
Speaker 1 (33:12):
I love you, let's go.
God, we love you.
We are so thankful for what youdo.
We're thankful we have thisplatform and just want to pray
over what you're doing.
God, just let it reach the earsthat need to hear it.
Let this resonate to the onesthat it needs to resonate to,
and if someone recognizes thisin their relationship, god, I
pray that you can begin to healthe relationship heal both the
(33:34):
individuals, but therelationship together and begin
to piece that back together tohave a marriage that you created
on purpose for purpose, amarriage that is out of this
world like no one ever evenimagined, because it is only you
who provides true healing in itall, and we love you for it In
Jesus name, amen.
Speaker 2 (33:51):
Amen Play ball.
Popular Podcasts
Cold Case Files: Miami
Joyce Sapp, 76; Bryan Herrera, 16; and Laurance Webb, 32—three Miami residents whose lives were stolen in brutal, unsolved homicides. Cold Case Files: Miami follows award‑winning radio host and City of Miami Police reserve officer Enrique Santos as he partners with the department’s Cold Case Homicide Unit, determined family members, and the advocates who spend their lives fighting for justice for the victims who can no longer fight for themselves.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.