May 5, 2025 • 15 mins
Do you ever walk away from a conversation thinking, “Why did I say all that?”
You’re not alone — and there’s nothing wrong with you. Oversharing is a sneaky people-pleasing habit that feels like connection… but usually leaves us feeling exposed, regretful, or misunderstood. I'm breaking down why we do it — and how to quit this habit to take back your peace and power.
In this episode you’ll learn:
- 5 hidden reasons people pleasers overshare (and none of them mean you’re broken)
- How your urge to explain everything is actually about self-trust
- A personal story of a boundary that changed the course of my life
- 4 powerful ways to start protecting your energy without losing your warmth
This one’s for the person who’s tired of handing out their heart like a business card — and is ready to feel safe keeping some things sacred.
If you'd like to know more about what 1:1 coaching looks like, please email me at heidi@masteringmidlifewithheidi.com or schedule a Clarity Call: https://calendly.com/heidi-gustafson/30min
Visit my YouTube channel for more resources: https://www.youtube.com/@MasteringMidlifeWithHeidi
Get on my email list and stay up-to-date on all the happenings by downloading my FREE guide - 20 Ways To Say "No" Without Guilt: https://www.masteringmidlifewithheidi.com/join-the-community
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:01):
Welcome to Mastering Midlife with Heidi.
I'm Heidi, certified hypnotistand mindset coach, and in this
podcast, I'm breaking down mysecret code for midlife success.
Are you trying to overcomepeople-pleasing behaviors,
navigating divorce, living indebilitating self-doubt, or
(00:21):
something else keeping youstuck?
You're in the right place.
I know that you're ready to getto the next level of your life
feeling happy and fulfilled, solet's get started.
Hey there, welcome back toMastering Midlife with Heidi.
Today we're diving intosomething I was asked to talk
about from a commenter on one ofmy recent YouTube videos.
(00:44):
It's a sneaky habit that so manyrecovering people pleasers fall
into without even realizing it,and that is oversharing.
If you've ever walked away froma conversation thinking, ugh,
why did I just tell them allthat?
They didn't need to know it.
1.
You're not alone.
(01:05):
2.
There's a reason you do it.
Actually, there are severalreasons.
And understanding those reasonsis a huge part of healing from
people-pleasing.
Oversharing isn't about beingopen and vulnerable in a healthy
way.
And I'm not talking aboutoversharing just because we're
chatty.
(01:26):
I'm talking about that feelingwhere we share too much because
deep down, we're trying to earntrust or to be believed or to be
liked.
Or we're trying to manage howthe other person sees us.
Even when the person we'retalking to hasn't earned that
kind of access to us.
(01:47):
And the hard truth, oversharingrarely gets us the connection
we're craving.
It usually leaves us feelingexposed, misunderstood, or even
a little regretful afterward.
Today, I'm giving you fivereasons people pleasers
overshare, what's really goingon underneath that, and how to
(02:08):
start protecting your energy andyour story better without
shutting yourself down orpretending to be someone you're
not.
I'm also sharing a personalstory about a moment when I felt
the deep urge to share andexplain and then backpedal and
how guarding my heart in thatmoment actually changed the
(02:31):
course of my life.
If you're new here, welcome.
I'm happy you're here and thanksfor listening.
If you're returning, thank youfor joining me again.
So let's dive in.
Why do we overshare?
Here are five big reasons I seecome up again and again.
The first one is, we fear notbeing believed.
(02:55):
When we're afraid someone'sgoing to question us, to doubt
us, our decisions, ourexperiences, our feelings, we
tend to go into overdrive.
We pile on extra details toconvince them.
We give away too muchinformation to convince them
that we're valid.
And it's not about sharingbecause we feel safe.
(03:18):
It's about sharing because wefeel anxious.
And the more anxious we feel,the more we talk.
We think if we explain enough,they'll have to believe us.
But really that fear is aboutnot trusting ourselves first.
Number two, this one deservesits own spotlight, and that is
(03:39):
the compulsive need to explainourselves, otherwise known as
justifying our existence.
We've been wired to think wehave to justify every boundary,
every no, every need.
We've been conditioned to thinkwe have to earn our decisions
and our feelings.
(04:00):
So what happens?
We explain and explain andexplain.
Oversharing becomes a way oftrying to soften the blow, to
avoid judgment, or getpermission we don't actually
need.
It's like we're askingpermission to take up space, to
exist.
(04:20):
Oof, this next reason that weovershare hits hard.
Have you ever overshared withsomebody that you barely knew?
We do this because we want to beliked and accepted, and that is
reason number three.
Sometimes we overshare withpeople we barely know or people
who've already shown they aren'tsafe.
(04:42):
But we do it because we craveconnection.
We hand over vulnerable parts ofourselves, hoping it will create
maybe instant intimacy.
But instead, it often leaves usfeeling exposed, misunderstood,
or even used negatively.
Sometimes we open up way toomuch, way too soon, with people
(05:02):
who haven't earned that level oftrust.
We spill our guts hoping to fasttrack closeness.
Deep down, we're hoping that ifwe're vulnerable enough, they'll
like us, approve of us, chooseus.
Oversharing becomes a way to tryto control their opinion, to
make sure they see us the way wewant to be seen.
(05:25):
But a lot of times, those peoplehave already shown us they're
not safe with our vulnerability.
We might have seen red flags,but we ignore them because the
need for belonging feelsstronger than anything else.
Deep down, the need to beaccepted overrides our inner
wisdom.
(05:46):
The next reason that weovershare has to do with people
pleasers being world-classemotional managers.
So reason number four is that wefeel responsible for how others
feel.
We think if we don't explainevery detail, someone will
misunderstand, get hurt, or bemad at us, and then it'll
(06:08):
somehow be our job to fix it.
We think if we don't tell thewhole story, the backstory, the
context, the why behind the why,they'll misunderstand us, and
that becomes our fault.
So we try to manage theirfeelings with a flood of
information.
We try to get ahead of it byoversharing, over-explaining,
(06:29):
over-justifying, all in anattempt to prevent someone
else's emotional discomfort.
If you grew up being dismissed,not listened to, or feeling
invisible, oversharing can be asurvival strategy.
And that is reason number five,is that it becomes a habit.
Oversharing becomes a habit fromchildhood of maybe feeling not
(06:55):
validated.
So it becomes a survivalstrategy.
And you might have learned toovershare just to be taken
seriously or to get attention.
And you equate that attention tocaring from the other person or
acceptance from the otherperson.
It's like your nervous systemnow is saying, if I can just
explain enough, they'll finallysee me.
(07:17):
They'll finally understand me.
So if the other person doesn'timmediately nod and agree or We
dump even more information,hoping to get their approval.
This is not your fault.
Again, it's an old survivalstrategy, but it's time to let
it go.
You might be thinking, Yeah, howdo I let it go?
(07:38):
I'm going to give you fourthings you can do, but first I
want to share a quick story withyou about a time I saw all of
this play out in my own life.
Toward the end of my thirdmarriage, which only lasted 10
months, I had really startedwaking up to how unhealthy and
damaging the relationship was,not just to my self-esteem, but
(08:00):
to my health and my stresslevels.
One night we were having aconversation at the dinner
table, and honestly, I don'teven remember what it was about.
But I found myself shuttingdown.
I wasn't sharing like I used to.
And he could tell.
He confronted me about it.
And I remember looking at himand saying, very simply, very
(08:23):
kindly, I feel like I need toguard my heart.
His reaction?
He acted really hurt and gotangry.
He uttered, That's the cruelestthing you've ever said to me.
And he immediately shut me out.
He stonewalled me and left thetable.
The people pleaser in me wantedso badly to backpedal, to
(08:47):
apologize, to smooth it over.
But my intuition and my heartwere so clear.
Stay silent.
Do not undo the boundary youjust set.
That moment was a turning pointfor me.
It gives me goosebumps.
It taught me that not everyonedeserves full access to your
(09:07):
heart just because they demandit or because they're your
spouse or family or someoneyou've been friends with for 30
years.
You do not owe your allegianceor your loyalty to anyone,
especially when they've shownyou that they don't honor it or
you.
Honor is a two-way street.
(09:30):
And if someone can't honor yourheart, your trust, or your
well-being, they do not deserveunlimited access to you or the
thoughts that are on your heart.
It also showed me that guardingmy heart isn't cruel.
Sometimes it's necessary.
So if you're wondering, okay,how do I even start breaking the
(09:53):
habit of oversharing?
How do I do that without beingmean or selfish, or without
swinging to the other extremeand shutting down completely?
I've got you.
Let's talk about a few steps youcan start practicing right away.
The first one is to pause beforeyou speak.
Before you start explaining,take a breath.
(10:15):
Ask yourself, what's myintention here?
Why am I about to share this?
What am I hoping it will giveme?
Am I sharing to connect or am Isharing to control how they see
me?
As always, awareness is thefirst step to changing
something, and answering thesequestions for yourself will
bring awareness.
(10:35):
2.
Get comfortable with silence.
Practice discomfort, yours andtheirs.
Oversharing often comes fromfeeling uncomfortable with
pauses or feeling like we haveto fill every silence.
Let it feel uncomfortable.
Sitting there that night sayingthat at the dinner table was
(10:57):
extremely uncomfortable.
It was hard.
But you don't have to fill everysilence or explain anything.
Practice letting a conversationbreathe without rushing in to
fill it.
Practice feeling uncomfortable.
If you want to learn to play thepiano or to do anything new, you
have to practice.
(11:18):
It's the only way you'll learnto get better.
3.
Set personal sharing boundariesNot everyone deserves access to
your inner world.
Before you open up, askyourself, have they earned the
right to hear this part of me?
It doesn't matter if you've beenmarried for 20 years or it's
(11:39):
family or a lifelong friend.
If the answer is no, it's okayto keep it close to your heart.
Sharing your feelings, yourstories, your vulnerability,
these are gifts.
They are not obligations.
You get to decide who's earnedthe right to hear your deeper
truths.
And the fourth step is topractice saying less and
(12:03):
trusting more.
You do not need a 12-paragraphessay to justify your feelings.
Start practicing short, simplestatements like, no, that
doesn't work for me, without thelong-winded backstory.
I have a friend who was goingthrough something really rough
(12:40):
recently, and she was waitingfor test results.
When she messaged me with abrief text about what they had
found out, she finished hermessage with, I'd appreciate
space to not talk about itfurther for a bit.
What a great way to honorherself in the process.
And had she not said that, Imost likely would have jumped
(13:01):
into a bunch of questions.
Saying less and speaking up forwhat you need without
explanation is kind and lovingto yourself and the other
person.
Imagine how much more peaceyou'd feel if you didn't leave
conversations second-guessingeverything you said.
Imagine not needing everyone toget it or to get you in order to
(13:26):
trust yourself.
Imagine feeling proud of whatyou shared and even prouder of
what you chose to keep toyourself, to keep sacred.
And imagine sharing your heartonly with people who have shown
you they can be trusted with it.
Sharing in this way allows youto be more you, without all the
(13:48):
second guessing and regret thatcomes from oversharing,
especially with the wrongpeople.
And every time you choose to notovershare and protect your
heart, like I did that night,even though it was extremely
hard, you are taking your powerback.
Remember, oversharing doesn'tmake you more lovable.
(14:08):
You are already lovable.
100% lovable.
Already enough.
No one owes anyone a runningcommentary of their life to
deserve connection.
Alright, that's what I have foryou today.
If this episode hit home, shareit with a friend who might need
to hear it too.
And if you're ready to go deeperinto healing your boundaries and
(14:30):
trusting your voice, book a freeclarity call with me to talk
about resources that would helpyou.
My calendar link is in theepisode description.
I'm proud of you for being here,for doing the work and giving
yourself permission to grow.
Is there a topic you'd like meto cover here on the podcast or
in a YouTube video?
(14:51):
You can easily shoot me a textthrough the link in the
description of this episode.
I'd love to hear from you.
And don't forget to check out myvideos over on YouTube at
Mastering Midlife with Heidi.
I'll close with this quote byphilosopher Carissa Valise.
Oversharing is how you leakenergy.
Privacy is power.
(15:13):
Thanks for listening.
Talk to you soon.
Thank you for spending time withme today.
To continue on your journey ofmastering midlife, click the
link in the description todownload my free guide, 20 ways
to say no without feelingguilty.
See you in the next episode.
Welcome to Mastering Midlife with Heidi.
I'm Heidi, certified hypnotistand mindset coach, and in this
podcast, I'm breaking down mysecret code for midlife success.
Are you trying to overcomepeople-pleasing behaviors,
navigating divorce, living indebilitating self-doubt, or
(00:21):
something else keeping youstuck?
You're in the right place.
I know that you're ready to getto the next level of your life
feeling happy and fulfilled, solet's get started.
Hey there, welcome back toMastering Midlife with Heidi.
Today we're diving intosomething I was asked to talk
about from a commenter on one ofmy recent YouTube videos.
(00:44):
It's a sneaky habit that so manyrecovering people pleasers fall
into without even realizing it,and that is oversharing.
If you've ever walked away froma conversation thinking, ugh,
why did I just tell them allthat?
They didn't need to know it.
1.
You're not alone.
(01:05):
2.
There's a reason you do it.
Actually, there are severalreasons.
And understanding those reasonsis a huge part of healing from
people-pleasing.
Oversharing isn't about beingopen and vulnerable in a healthy
way.
And I'm not talking aboutoversharing just because we're
chatty.
(01:26):
I'm talking about that feelingwhere we share too much because
deep down, we're trying to earntrust or to be believed or to be
liked.
Or we're trying to manage howthe other person sees us.
Even when the person we'retalking to hasn't earned that
kind of access to us.
(01:47):
And the hard truth, oversharingrarely gets us the connection
we're craving.
It usually leaves us feelingexposed, misunderstood, or even
a little regretful afterward.
Today, I'm giving you fivereasons people pleasers
overshare, what's really goingon underneath that, and how to
(02:08):
start protecting your energy andyour story better without
shutting yourself down orpretending to be someone you're
not.
I'm also sharing a personalstory about a moment when I felt
the deep urge to share andexplain and then backpedal and
how guarding my heart in thatmoment actually changed the
(02:31):
course of my life.
If you're new here, welcome.
I'm happy you're here and thanksfor listening.
If you're returning, thank youfor joining me again.
So let's dive in.
Why do we overshare?
Here are five big reasons I seecome up again and again.
The first one is, we fear notbeing believed.
(02:55):
When we're afraid someone'sgoing to question us, to doubt
us, our decisions, ourexperiences, our feelings, we
tend to go into overdrive.
We pile on extra details toconvince them.
We give away too muchinformation to convince them
that we're valid.
And it's not about sharingbecause we feel safe.
(03:18):
It's about sharing because wefeel anxious.
And the more anxious we feel,the more we talk.
We think if we explain enough,they'll have to believe us.
But really that fear is aboutnot trusting ourselves first.
Number two, this one deservesits own spotlight, and that is
(03:39):
the compulsive need to explainourselves, otherwise known as
justifying our existence.
We've been wired to think wehave to justify every boundary,
every no, every need.
We've been conditioned to thinkwe have to earn our decisions
and our feelings.
(04:00):
So what happens?
We explain and explain andexplain.
Oversharing becomes a way oftrying to soften the blow, to
avoid judgment, or getpermission we don't actually
need.
It's like we're askingpermission to take up space, to
exist.
(04:20):
Oof, this next reason that weovershare hits hard.
Have you ever overshared withsomebody that you barely knew?
We do this because we want to beliked and accepted, and that is
reason number three.
Sometimes we overshare withpeople we barely know or people
who've already shown they aren'tsafe.
(04:42):
But we do it because we craveconnection.
We hand over vulnerable parts ofourselves, hoping it will create
maybe instant intimacy.
But instead, it often leaves usfeeling exposed, misunderstood,
or even used negatively.
Sometimes we open up way toomuch, way too soon, with people
(05:02):
who haven't earned that level oftrust.
We spill our guts hoping to fasttrack closeness.
Deep down, we're hoping that ifwe're vulnerable enough, they'll
like us, approve of us, chooseus.
Oversharing becomes a way to tryto control their opinion, to
make sure they see us the way wewant to be seen.
(05:25):
But a lot of times, those peoplehave already shown us they're
not safe with our vulnerability.
We might have seen red flags,but we ignore them because the
need for belonging feelsstronger than anything else.
Deep down, the need to beaccepted overrides our inner
wisdom.
(05:46):
The next reason that weovershare has to do with people
pleasers being world-classemotional managers.
So reason number four is that wefeel responsible for how others
feel.
We think if we don't explainevery detail, someone will
misunderstand, get hurt, or bemad at us, and then it'll
(06:08):
somehow be our job to fix it.
We think if we don't tell thewhole story, the backstory, the
context, the why behind the why,they'll misunderstand us, and
that becomes our fault.
So we try to manage theirfeelings with a flood of
information.
We try to get ahead of it byoversharing, over-explaining,
(06:29):
over-justifying, all in anattempt to prevent someone
else's emotional discomfort.
If you grew up being dismissed,not listened to, or feeling
invisible, oversharing can be asurvival strategy.
And that is reason number five,is that it becomes a habit.
Oversharing becomes a habit fromchildhood of maybe feeling not
(06:55):
validated.
So it becomes a survivalstrategy.
And you might have learned toovershare just to be taken
seriously or to get attention.
And you equate that attention tocaring from the other person or
acceptance from the otherperson.
It's like your nervous systemnow is saying, if I can just
explain enough, they'll finallysee me.
(07:17):
They'll finally understand me.
So if the other person doesn'timmediately nod and agree or We
dump even more information,hoping to get their approval.
This is not your fault.
Again, it's an old survivalstrategy, but it's time to let
it go.
You might be thinking, Yeah, howdo I let it go?
(07:38):
I'm going to give you fourthings you can do, but first I
want to share a quick story withyou about a time I saw all of
this play out in my own life.
Toward the end of my thirdmarriage, which only lasted 10
months, I had really startedwaking up to how unhealthy and
damaging the relationship was,not just to my self-esteem, but
(08:00):
to my health and my stresslevels.
One night we were having aconversation at the dinner
table, and honestly, I don'teven remember what it was about.
But I found myself shuttingdown.
I wasn't sharing like I used to.
And he could tell.
He confronted me about it.
And I remember looking at himand saying, very simply, very
(08:23):
kindly, I feel like I need toguard my heart.
His reaction?
He acted really hurt and gotangry.
He uttered, That's the cruelestthing you've ever said to me.
And he immediately shut me out.
He stonewalled me and left thetable.
The people pleaser in me wantedso badly to backpedal, to
(08:47):
apologize, to smooth it over.
But my intuition and my heartwere so clear.
Stay silent.
Do not undo the boundary youjust set.
That moment was a turning pointfor me.
It gives me goosebumps.
It taught me that not everyonedeserves full access to your
(09:07):
heart just because they demandit or because they're your
spouse or family or someoneyou've been friends with for 30
years.
You do not owe your allegianceor your loyalty to anyone,
especially when they've shownyou that they don't honor it or
you.
Honor is a two-way street.
(09:30):
And if someone can't honor yourheart, your trust, or your
well-being, they do not deserveunlimited access to you or the
thoughts that are on your heart.
It also showed me that guardingmy heart isn't cruel.
Sometimes it's necessary.
So if you're wondering, okay,how do I even start breaking the
(09:53):
habit of oversharing?
How do I do that without beingmean or selfish, or without
swinging to the other extremeand shutting down completely?
I've got you.
Let's talk about a few steps youcan start practicing right away.
The first one is to pause beforeyou speak.
Before you start explaining,take a breath.
(10:15):
Ask yourself, what's myintention here?
Why am I about to share this?
What am I hoping it will giveme?
Am I sharing to connect or am Isharing to control how they see
me?
As always, awareness is thefirst step to changing
something, and answering thesequestions for yourself will
bring awareness.
(10:35):
2.
Get comfortable with silence.
Practice discomfort, yours andtheirs.
Oversharing often comes fromfeeling uncomfortable with
pauses or feeling like we haveto fill every silence.
Let it feel uncomfortable.
Sitting there that night sayingthat at the dinner table was
(10:57):
extremely uncomfortable.
It was hard.
But you don't have to fill everysilence or explain anything.
Practice letting a conversationbreathe without rushing in to
fill it.
Practice feeling uncomfortable.
If you want to learn to play thepiano or to do anything new, you
have to practice.
(11:18):
It's the only way you'll learnto get better.
3.
Set personal sharing boundariesNot everyone deserves access to
your inner world.
Before you open up, askyourself, have they earned the
right to hear this part of me?
It doesn't matter if you've beenmarried for 20 years or it's
(11:39):
family or a lifelong friend.
If the answer is no, it's okayto keep it close to your heart.
Sharing your feelings, yourstories, your vulnerability,
these are gifts.
They are not obligations.
You get to decide who's earnedthe right to hear your deeper
truths.
And the fourth step is topractice saying less and
(12:03):
trusting more.
You do not need a 12-paragraphessay to justify your feelings.
Start practicing short, simplestatements like, no, that
doesn't work for me, without thelong-winded backstory.
I have a friend who was goingthrough something really rough
(12:40):
recently, and she was waitingfor test results.
When she messaged me with abrief text about what they had
found out, she finished hermessage with, I'd appreciate
space to not talk about itfurther for a bit.
What a great way to honorherself in the process.
And had she not said that, Imost likely would have jumped
(13:01):
into a bunch of questions.
Saying less and speaking up forwhat you need without
explanation is kind and lovingto yourself and the other
person.
Imagine how much more peaceyou'd feel if you didn't leave
conversations second-guessingeverything you said.
Imagine not needing everyone toget it or to get you in order to
(13:26):
trust yourself.
Imagine feeling proud of whatyou shared and even prouder of
what you chose to keep toyourself, to keep sacred.
And imagine sharing your heartonly with people who have shown
you they can be trusted with it.
Sharing in this way allows youto be more you, without all the
(13:48):
second guessing and regret thatcomes from oversharing,
especially with the wrongpeople.
And every time you choose to notovershare and protect your
heart, like I did that night,even though it was extremely
hard, you are taking your powerback.
Remember, oversharing doesn'tmake you more lovable.
(14:08):
You are already lovable.
100% lovable.
Already enough.
No one owes anyone a runningcommentary of their life to
deserve connection.
Alright, that's what I have foryou today.
If this episode hit home, shareit with a friend who might need
to hear it too.
And if you're ready to go deeperinto healing your boundaries and
(14:30):
trusting your voice, book a freeclarity call with me to talk
about resources that would helpyou.
My calendar link is in theepisode description.
I'm proud of you for being here,for doing the work and giving
yourself permission to grow.
Is there a topic you'd like meto cover here on the podcast or
in a YouTube video?
(14:51):
You can easily shoot me a textthrough the link in the
description of this episode.
I'd love to hear from you.
And don't forget to check out myvideos over on YouTube at
Mastering Midlife with Heidi.
I'll close with this quote byphilosopher Carissa Valise.
Oversharing is how you leakenergy.
Privacy is power.
(15:13):
Thanks for listening.
Talk to you soon.
Thank you for spending time withme today.
To continue on your journey ofmastering midlife, click the
link in the description todownload my free guide, 20 ways
to say no without feelingguilty.
See you in the next episode.
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