It's never too late to become who you were meant to be.

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Have you ever looked in the mirror and thought, "Did I miss my chance?" That nagging question about whether it's too late to pursue dreams, learn new skills, or reinvent yourself is exactly what Jesse and DeeDee tackle in this deeply personal episode.

Jesse opens up about wanting to learn sewing at 37, pursue drag performance, and create his own clothing—all while battling the voice in his head saying, "You're too old" and "It's too late." This vulnerability sparks a rich conversation about why we place artificial timelines on our talents and passions. The hosts explore how financial constraints, body image issues, and long-standing trauma from childhood criticism can build invisible walls between us and the lives we want to live.

"I'm tired of living in the what-ifs," Jesse confesses, touching on a sentiment that resonates across generations. Whether it's the fear of looking foolish as a beginner or worrying about health limitations, these concerns keep countless people from trying. DeeDee shares her journey with body acceptance, revealing how regaining confidence happens when you start honoring your body rather than criticizing it.

The conversation takes a fascinating spiritual turn when discussing how the universe seems to push us in directions we resist. Is following your destined path more important than exercising free will? As Jesse colorfully puts it, sometimes you need the universe to "hop off" and let you chart your course. This tension between destiny and choice speaks to anyone who's felt torn between what they feel they "should" do and what their heart truly desires.

What dreams have you put on the back burner? What would you pursue if you believed it wasn't too late? Listen to this episode, then take that first step toward becoming who you've always wanted to be—because it's never too late to start.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
what's up, gremlins?
Welcome back to another podcast.
My name is jesse james.
I hope everyone is doing it anddoing it well, you know the
drill.
This is the mature mischiefpodcast.

(00:21):
I'm the type of girl you want tochew on my bubble gum.
I'm the type of girl you wantto take to your mama's house.
Take, take, take, take to yourmama's house.
Dude, that song brought up.
So I remember my sister becausethat song was during the
myspace era, like that.
That's how old that song is.
That song used to be in mysister's thing.
She was the fucking throw achola out and everything, and
that would be the song that youwant to be the type of girl you

(00:42):
want to chew on my sister'sthing.
She was the fucking throw achola out and everything, and
that would be the song that youwant to be the type of girl you
want to chew on my bubble gum.
I'm just like I don't thinkanybody wants to chew on that
bubble gum.
That's nasty, that's nasty, younasty.
She was like I don't.
I want to say she was maybelike 14, 15 when that song came
out or something like that.
I'm just like that's, you'retoo young.

(01:03):
That's nasty.
Oh, that's just nasty.
That's just nasty.
I know it, you know it, thewhole world fucking knows it.
I like saying my name twice.
I am your host, jesse James andI am your co-host.

Speaker 2 (01:20):
Dee, dee, dee.

Speaker 1 (01:21):
Dee what it do, sister Dee it is hot.

Speaker 2 (01:25):
It is hot in here.
It is Sister D it's hot Bitch.

Speaker 1 (01:26):
It is hot in here.
It's fucking hotter than thedevil's underwear.
I am sweating in places.
I should not be sweating in.

Speaker 2 (01:32):
That's because we're in an air-conditioned apartment,
but because we live in Texas.

Speaker 1 (01:38):
Yeah, where the weather's supposed to be hotter
than the Sahara Desert.

Speaker 2 (01:44):
Hotter than Death Valley.
We live in the devil's asshole.

Speaker 1 (01:46):
Bitch.
It's like the fucking devilcame out and farted and just let
it go wind.
That motherfucker crop dustedus for years to come.

Speaker 2 (01:55):
Damn that, shit's gonna linger until fucking fall
this summer is gonna cook, and Idon't mean in a good way.

Speaker 1 (02:02):
Devil whipped out his dick and said hello.

Speaker 2 (02:15):
Fucking devil the good way devil whipped out his
dick and said hello, fuckingdick, fucking devil, masturbated
on all of us, man, shit.
And that's because it is 8, 54pm, people.
This just goes to show you thatwhen the sun is out in texas,
even when it's dark, the heatstill lingers in the damn ground
and the buildings so badly thatit's still hot.

Speaker 1 (02:28):
It's ridiculous.
I think a lot of it has to dois that I don't have my windows
covered in black.

Speaker 2 (02:33):
Well, they're not blacked out, but it's not like
you don't have blinds andcurtains.
You know what I mean?
Everything is technicallycovered.

Speaker 1 (02:39):
Normally my apartment is blacked out, yeah, period,
like anytime I moved into anapartment complex.
If I had shades, it was blackedout because I like it cold,
yeah, and I like it comfortablein here, and then, on top of
that, if I don't have to worryabout my AC having to kick on an
overdrive, I'm fucking Gucci,hell yeah, but my AC is working
into overdrive.
Man, I'm like God damn.

(03:00):
Summer bills are the best.
Oh, they really are.
They really are darling, justlike damn.
Got me all fucked up, fucked up, honey, fucked up.
I tell you, billy Ray, she'sfucked up, she hot, she got that

(03:21):
one swag or two with that light, billy.

Speaker 2 (03:23):
Billy Bobby God.

Speaker 1 (03:27):
She a good girl, she good, good girl.
I can't with you, uh, speakingof good girls we're a little bit
in delirium uh, we had somecoffee.
Yeah, no, I mean, the coffee isnot too too too bad, it's not,
it's not because it's not supersugary or anything like.

Speaker 2 (03:45):
The only sugar that was in there was whatever's in
the creamer.

Speaker 1 (03:48):
Yeah, because I didn't put nothing in there.
Man, I frothed that shit up.
Good, it was so delicious, dude, it was.

Speaker 2 (03:55):
So we're probably going to tank here in a minute,
just letting y'all know.

Speaker 1 (03:58):
She.
I told you we were doing arecording today.
Take a rest.

Speaker 2 (04:04):
And I did, and you're like, do you want some coffee?
I'm like I'm not going to sayno to coffee and then in a few
minutes.

Speaker 1 (04:13):
I'll just be snoring in the background.
See, if we would have recordedearlier today, we would have had
probably much everything done.
We wouldn't have a tank thatbad.
But because somebody wants todo it at 7 o'clock pm.
Sir, I sir I'm like god damn, Ihad plans and they just
happened to change,unfortunately, but it's cool, I
still got shit done.
I didn't realize plans werejust sitting at home doing
nothing, excuse you yeah, I wasnot like I said I was
progressive bitch.

(04:34):
Don't you dare progressiveprogressive doing nothing do you
want me to show?

Speaker 2 (04:38):
you do you want me to show?

Speaker 1 (04:39):
you no, I don't want you to show me no, because it's
gonna prove you wrong.
You can't show me like that.
That's nasty.

Speaker 2 (04:44):
I wasn't talking about that.

Speaker 1 (04:45):
But I'm nasty.
Okay, okay, you nasty.
You want someone to chew allyour bubble gum too?
Huh, no, all right.

(05:10):
Well, that's enough shenanigansfor the first five minutes
let's talk about?
uh, if it's a, is it too late inlife to do certain things that
you know we want to do as anadult, right?
Because the older we get, themore we decide?
Is it too late we want to do asan adult, right?
Because the older we get, themore we decide.
Is it too late for us to docertain things in life For me?
I am 37 years old and I'm still.

(05:31):
I don't know what made me delayso much in life to figure out
what talents I have or what tobe able to figure out.
What can I do?
I'm picking up a sewing machinelate in life.
People who've been doing it forsuch a long time.
I'm wanting to do drag.
I'm doing it late in life, youknow.
So it's kind of like am I toolate to be doing stuff like that

(05:52):
?
Because I am, I won't be ableto move like I used to in my 20s
, right?
So I don't have the capabilityto kind of like vogue dance,
drop it like it's hot, you know,even death drop I can.
I can drop dead, but I can'tdeath drop, you know.
So it's you know, and it's kindof like I suck at words too as

(06:12):
well.
So lip-syncing for me, for mylife is way out of the fucking
question, you know.
So I have to kind of get moreanimated and more, and I gotta
figure out what kind of drag Iwant to do, right.
So it's one of those questionsI'm asking myself am I too late
in the game to be doing thesethings?
You know what I mean.
Uh, I also want to get tattoonot tattoos tattoos you're not

(06:35):
never too late for that, uh.
But I also want to get likepiercings.
I would love a tongue piercing.
I would love to have my nipplespierced, you know.
Uh, I just wondering is it toolate for me to be doing stuff
like that?
I mean, I'm getting up in age.
I don't know how my body'sgoing to react, considering all
the health issues I've beenhaving as of lately.
So it's been a struggle for meto figure out what I want to do

(06:59):
with this time that I have onearth.
What can I do to make such animpactful thing for myself?
That makes sense, you know, soit's.
I'm still trying to figure itout here, and lately I've been
reading a lot of my tarot decksand they've been really shady
with me, because I've been veryshady with them and not on
purpose either as well.

(07:20):
It's because I've already hadit up to here when it comes to
trying to do things the rightway and whatnot.
As you can tell, I'm burningcandles.
I'm trying to get back into it.

Speaker 2 (07:30):
It's because Jesse's stubborn, you guys, that's all.

Speaker 1 (07:32):
No, I'm not stubborn.
I'm not stubborn.
I mean, you're not wrong, I'mnot stubborn, but you're not
wrong, you're not wrong.
I'm stubborn to a point.
I'm stubborn to a point.
I'm stubborn to a point becausewhat makes me so stubborn and
what I do is because I want todo the things that I like doing.
I want to be able to put mytalent forth and be able to do
stuff, and every time I alwayscome up with something.

(07:54):
I notice that for me, everytime I want to go do something,
it's just like oh, I don't havethe money, oh, I don't have the
money, I don't have the money, Idon't have the money, I don't
have the money.
So it's a broken record everysingle time.
And anybody who's felt thatknows what it's like to be damn.
So my FOMO is in fuckingoverdrive right now because I
want to be able to do certainthings, and every time I say I

(08:15):
want to do these things nextyear, it's always next year,
next year, next year.
And I'm getting tired of it andI'm starting to see that my
health is not as good as it'ssupposed to be, you know.
So I'm like, okay, I need tolose the weight, which I'm
starting to do, that now I'mgetting back into the workout
and whatnot.
Like we would go out to eatalready.

(08:36):
We would have something fuckinghefty, right?
You chose a salad.
I chose something I've alreadymade here.
I have rice in the refrigerator, so if I want to eat that I can
if I want to.
So it becomes pretty much that.
So I'm learning fashion at alate stage, as who I am, because
I'm not young anymore, wearingthe graphic T-shirts and

(09:06):
everything for me and being abig boy, it's kind of hard to
find T-shirts that fit meproperly the way they're
supposed to, because they're notas long.
I love my belly, I really do.
I just don't like when it showsout so like at the bottom of it
.
I'm just like.
This is why I like when.
This is why I know I make funof my short people.
But I love my short peoplebecause I wish occasionally I
was short, because, as whenyou're tall it's hard to find
things and tall that are tall,fitting and thing.

Speaker 2 (09:27):
That goes for short people too as well yeah, because
this is too long on us and it'sjust like we don't have the
money to just be fixing andhemming everything right because
that sucks so I wanted to dosomething that I wanted to kind
of do for me and fits meproperly.

Speaker 1 (09:46):
And I said you know what?
I want to make clothing thatfits me.
I want to do this for myselfand I was YouTube University,
youtube University.
I was looking at it because Ididn't know how to read the
prints or the patterns that wasprovided or that was given, so I

(10:08):
didn't know how to do any ofthat.
I have the jockstrap patterns,because I can make my own
jockstraps that fit me perfectlyand beautifully.
I have patterns that I can makemy own button-up shirts because
I want to do that, and I havepatterns to make my own vest,
too, as well.
So I have all the stuff that Ineed at the tip of my fingertips
to make the things that I wantto make.

(10:29):
And I figured, okay, well, let'sstart off with patterns, right,
because with patterns they'regoing to go base.
They're going to be boxy shirts, still right.
And I still like long t-shirts.
I can always add a little bitlength to them if I want to, if
I so pleased to, and Always adda little bit length to them if I
want to, if I so pleased to.
And I got these nice patternsthat I want to wear because
they're fucking nice.
I don't know if I showed youyet.

(10:50):
I need to show you because Ifound them and they're beautiful
patterns.
I just need to.
I wanted to learn how to dothese things properly before I
decided to go oh hey, let's dothis, and then I fuck up
everything right, so it's forme'm.
I'm wondering am I, am I toolate to the game, you know?

Speaker 2 (11:10):
um I think that's something that crosses
everybody's mind at some point,because how often are people
legit able to accomplish everysingle thing that crosses their
mind, that they want to do andthey've done it?
They can check it off.
It's like that's.
That's not as realistic as wewant it to be.
And for the people who havelike, do you guys exist out

(11:33):
there?
yeah because seriously it likeit's a lot having to squeeze
anything like that into regularlife, kind of sucks.
Now, in my opinion, do I thinkit's too late to start anything
for me not not for me personally, but I'm talking about like, in
my opinion, no no but that's meonly because before, if you

(11:54):
would have asked me this yearsago, I probably been like, yeah,
because you know what I feellike this, this, this, and I
would relate it to my personallife, right?
right but here and now, becauseI've been through what I've been
through, I came to a pointwhere I have at I had absolutely
nothing left to lose.

Speaker 1 (12:10):
Nothing at all, nothing you know, and I mean
this made me think about it tooas well, because I, we work in
the service and not the serviceindustry.
But we, some of us, work in theservice industry, customer
service area and whatnot.
We've always hear I'm notintelligent enough for this
stuff, I'm not smart enough foranything.
You work in a different type ofclass of business than I do,

(12:31):
right?
I've always hear at my age Idon't know anything about
technology.
People don't even know whatcertain things are or whatnot,
and how to do things.
They'd rather buy it becauseit's a lot easier than having to
learn it or make it themselves.
As for me, I'm just just like.
I'm interested in how to makecertain stuff for me because,
look, I love my hair and I lookat my family they all get bald

(12:53):
and I'm not too far from thatperiod, so I want to take care
of myself.
I want to.
I don't want to go bald, Idon't want to lose none of my
hair.
I love my hair.

Speaker 2 (13:03):
Um of course you do.

Speaker 1 (13:04):
You're a leo oh yeah, I love my hair, it's fucking
amazing lions mane and it sucksbecause I don't want to lose my
hair at all whatsoever.
And I do get self-consciousabout my body sometimes and and
now I'm just like maybe I shouldhave been more mindful about
what products I'm putting intomy hair and whatnot.
But it's hard to trust anybodyonline these days to make

(13:29):
certain things and certainproducts or whatnot.
I don't like putting product inmy hair because I don't want to
wash my hair every single day,so everything I'm doing is
natural I'm brushing it to theside.
Some days my hair will workwith me and I'm like cool beans,
let's go for for it.
We're fucking working with ittoday.
I do like the natural, dry lookin my hair.
I don't like to always putproduct.
If I'm putting product in myhair, for whatever reason, it's,

(13:51):
either I'm going out to a mainevent or to a party or going out
, which it's very rare that I doanyways.
So I am.
I'm also learning how to wearheels.
You know, trying to, I mean Ilook like fucking herman monster
half the time when I'm alsolearning how to wear heels.
You know, trying to, I mean, Ilook like fucking herman monster
half the time when I'm wearingfucking heels that's just
because you're already naturallytall well, I'm yeah, I'm
already naturally tall right, soI can walk in shoes just fine,

(14:13):
but it's heels that I can't walkin because I'm not used to it.
So I said, okay, what a betterplace to do it than where I work
, because I sit at my desk a lot, so I don't do a whole lot of
walking and I will walk aroundthe building in my heels just
for fucking shits and giggles,right, and you know a lot of
people compliment my heels.
Like, oh, dude, I love yourheels, like those are fucking
badass.

(14:34):
Like, oh, thank you, Iappreciate it.
Blah, blah, blah, blah.
Um, so I'm starting to learn alittle bit more about my body
and my structure on it.
But I'm also learning that mybody is a little over.
It's a little heavier on top.
I'm top heavy, you know,naturally because I have a gut
in front of me, so I it'squestioning everything that I'm

(14:54):
doing.
Can I still do the things thatI used to do in my 20s?
But, and if I can still do it,would I have to make the
modifications and how to docertain things?

Speaker 2 (15:03):
absolutely you know what I mean and yeah, of course,
should you even choose to do,because, like I said, it's a
choice.
It's a choice no matter what,it's a big choice, but I think a
lot of people dwell on it a lotheavier than they need to, but
only because that comes from aplace of fear that fear has
always been embedded in me for avery long time.

Speaker 1 (15:24):
And then, fuck, it sucked, because I remember it
was.
It started off when you were asa kid and I was writing a
little bit of I was writingabout it in my booklet.
I started to do some journaling, just small journaling here and
there, right, and I see if Ican write.
So I was just doing a whole lotof free writing that I learned
in college and whatnot, that Iforgot about that and I was just

(15:46):
, you know, going through it andwhatnot, and I didn't realize,
like how much trauma I still hadthat stemmed from wanting to do
the things that I wanted to do.
I had a guitar teacher that toldme I sucked.
We talked about this.
I had a guitar teacher thattold me I sucked and I should
not pick it up a guitar periodever in my life and that killed

(16:07):
me because I had the naturalgift to be able to play the
guitar.
Could I pick up it up now andstill go take the classes?
Oh, absolutely sure, why not?
I could still do it right.
Um, I just need to get themuscle memories working, my
fingernails, get up the corestrengths, you know, because I'm
starting to get carpal tunnelin these two fingers here on my
right side, so it's starting tobecome, it's becoming a real

(16:29):
thing for me that I'm startingto see.
So a lot of stomach issues thatI'm dealing with.
So I'm just like damn.
I'm about to reach a milestonein my life for me, and that
milestone is I'm going to hit 40soon.
I'm 37.
38 is a rider on the corner forme in August, and so it's

(16:52):
becoming a fucking real thingfor me and it's kicking me in
the ass because it's like I wantto do these things period I
want to have fun, I want to havea good time.
I want to get back into mymakeup again.
I want to learn how to do drag.

(17:13):
Do drag makeup.
I'd be able to sew everythingand whatnot and every time it
comes, boil us down to the mainthing that it boils down to is
money.
It's always been the issue withmoney for me, so I said, fuck
that I'm burning candles.
I'm burning candles.
I'm getting back to being morespiritually grounded.
I'm starting to understand alittle bit more about my

(17:36):
spiritual journey and kind ofget more of understanding.
Um, I had something, what I didby my side for the majority of
the time.
It started to understand that alittle bit.
I said to myself I need to puther aside just for a moment,
because it's not it for me, notright now.
At least I need to find theright guide that's going to
guide me to where I need to be.

(17:57):
Santa Muerte is great when youneed her for certain things, to
help you and protect you oncertain aspects, and I think a
lot of that was going on.
I was pretty much questioningeverything.
So this journey is going to besomething amazing, if you will.

(18:19):
I'm predicting that before theend of the year, I'm going to be
able to walk in heels just fine, with no problem.
My feet are not going to hurtas much.
I'm going to be able to walk inheels just fine, with no
problem.
My feet are not going to hurtas much.
I'm going to fucking haveawesome legs.
I'm starting to get back.
I need to get out, to startworking out a little bit more.
I know it's summer, that'swhere everyone starts working
out a little bit more, but I'mstarting to understand my body a
little bit more.

(18:39):
My mouth is getting dried a lotmore faster, so I need to drink
more water.
I need to stay more hydrated.
I don't have a lot of salt inmy body because I don't eat a
whole lot of salt right.
So naturally, I'm going to needit, so I'm going to need to add
those things into me to be ableto find a good balance.
Sweets I'm actually quitesurprised I haven't had much

(19:01):
sweets other than the cake I hadtoday because I was craving
cake.
Quite surprised, I haven't hadmuch sweets other than the cake
I had today because I wascraving cake.
Um, I'm starting to see thatthings, everything, little thing
I'm doing in my life and to beable to make these adjustments
for myself, because I don't wantto live in the what ifs, I want
to live in the here now andmove forward with it.

(19:25):
I'm tired of, like, livingbehind closed doors and whatnot.
I think there's one of the postsI posted up on Facebook
Everyone's flexing all the wrongways and it's like oh, I guess
I need to show everybody howit's fucking done, right?
So I don't know Some shit likethat, right.
And I got messages personallyhey, what was your post about?

(19:46):
I was like does my post need tohave a meaning behind what I
say?
Well, you're always calling outsomebody.
I'm like yeah, you're right,I'm always calling out somebody.
But it's something I've alwayssaid is that people are starting
to flex, people are losing theweight.
People are training.
People are doing what theystarting to flex.
People are losing the weight.
People are training.
People are doing what they needto do.

(20:07):
They're doing a good job.
I just want to take it onefucking step further and I want
to show people how it's done,and that's just my mentality
right, I was just like, I'm justbeing a goofball, yeah, you
know.
And I hate it, because I hatewhen people think you're like,
I'm like I'm attacking somebody,I'm just like if the shoe fits,
wear it.
You know what I mean.

Speaker 2 (20:26):
Like I think it's just your natural
competitiveness, like not.
It's not towards anybodyspecific, it's just you being
competitive with life yeah, youknow what I mean.
So, yes, everybody else isgoing to be doing things, but
you're like, well, yeah me too.
Yeah, you know what I mean buttoo but because you are who you
are, you're like, but I want tobe even better, yeah exactly.

Speaker 1 (20:46):
But then it comes to that.
Then we talk about mystubbornness right, because how
stubborn I am, right?
So, with the tarot cards andeverything it did talk about how
stubborn I am and I need to,like, lighten up a bit or adjust
the stubbornness just to apoint, right?
Um, a lot of it too.
I even got the devil upsidedown, like I have a lot of dark
thoughts.
I even got the devil upsidedown, like I have a lot of dark
thoughts, stuff like that.
I'll keep my dark thoughts tomyself because, yes, I'm in a

(21:07):
very dark place in my head, butthat's going to be just natural
stuff, right, it's something.

Speaker 2 (21:12):
I've always dealt with.
Yeah, that's everybody's shadow.

Speaker 1 (21:14):
Yeah, so my shadows will be in my shadows no matter
what, but it's kind of justshows that I am not going to sit
here on embedded or encased infour walls anymore.
Yes, I like the attention.
I do crave the attentionoccasionally, though, but

(21:34):
sometimes I don't even want theattention half the time, and I
think I showed you some videoswith that.
Like Leo doesn't really wantattention, they're just easily,
attention's just easilyattracted to them easily because
it just comes naturally to them, right, and it's like, yeah, we
want to be the center ofattention, but not on purpose.
We just have a very fine lineundertone that just makes us the

(22:00):
center of attention.
It's whatever.
uh, I'm cursed with it, so I'mlike no, not, not at all, please
don't no, no no, but at thesame time, I'm learning that,
yeah, I, I can be very cocky, Ican be very arrogant, and I can
be very that, though, but if I'mgonna be cocky and arrogant, I

(22:21):
need to fucking cash in for thechecks that I'm cashing in,
because I'm not trying to writea check, and then it bounces
like no bitch, like that's justnot who I need to back my shit
up and I don't mean yes, no, Ican back that ass up.
just fine, it may go.
Beep, beep, bring him in, bringhim in.

Speaker 2 (22:47):
Is he?

Speaker 1 (22:47):
on a hoist.
No, that's a Hoya lifter.

Speaker 2 (22:50):
He's on an engine hoist, it's a diesel.
Vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom,vroom.

Speaker 1 (22:58):
Yeah, daddy Vroom the room.

Speaker 2 (23:14):
So, um, I'm learning a lot about uh, that about
myself too as well.
But I love that you mentionedeverything you just talked about
for the first 20 minutesbecause and I'm not even going
to get into it because I know alot of people maybe not aren't
into astrology but right nowPluto is in retrograde and
Pluto's job is to literally doeverything you just said- yeah,
I kind of figured it wassomething going on, so it's

(23:34):
doing this to everybody.
Everybody's shit is gettingcleansed out in order to make
major shifts in their liferegarding things that should
have been done, major shifts inyour life regarding things that
should have been done.
So and now daddy Saturn'scoming around and it's going to
throw karma all up in the mixand I'm just kind of like I'm
just going to stay hydrated andground myself and make my

(23:56):
popcorn, because I'm alreadyback in, I'm already backing
away.

Speaker 1 (24:00):
Yeah, no, I, I'm I'm trying not to back away either
on a lot of it at all,whatsoever.
But at the same time I'mcatching myself doing things
period so crazy.
I can hear myself while I'mwalking around.
These mics are awesome, that'swhy trying to like find excuses

(24:23):
for myself?
I mean, I've already madeenough excuses for myself, right
?
So that's the main thing.
like I miss carnival rides, Imiss going to roller coaster
rides um being the weight andthe size that I am has put me in
a slump, not depression, justmore of a slump than anything
else, right, um?
So I'm just trying to figureout where I stand and everything

(24:46):
, because I just want, I wantthings to just go fucking
smoothly.

Speaker 2 (24:49):
That's pretty much it , right well, the thing is,
because they're pairing up theway they are, what it's.
What's going to happen is,regardless of what you want to
do, the universe is going tomake you do what you need to do
so that you can catch up and bewhere you're always supposed to
be.
So there's going to be a lot ofyou need to do so that you can
catch up and be where you werealways supposed to be.
So there's going to be a lot ofpeople pissed off because
they're going to want to dothings, but the universe is like

(25:12):
, yeah, no, the time for thatalready passed.
You're supposed to be here, soguess what?
We're gonna make shit happen sothat you can be here yeah
period.
It's like I didn't plan for that.
It's like, yeah, I know, butyou didn't do what you're
supposed to do.
So I said it's like I didn'tplan for that.
It's like, yeah, I know, butyou didn't do what you're
supposed to do.

Speaker 1 (25:26):
So I said it's going to piss everybody off because
karma is going to be like oh,I'm here, yeah, so you know
Pretty much.
It's just, it's like it's kindof it's very interesting and
where things in time, whereeverything ties in, and right,
it's really good.

Speaker 2 (25:40):
Okay, sorry, you guys , we're sampling Sprite and tea,
or the Sprite tea, or whateverit's called.
It kind of tastes likecarbonated lemon tea.

Speaker 1 (25:49):
That's pretty much it .
Yeah, it's not bad.
Interesting but not bad.
Very interesting, but anyhow.
But yeah, I was very lazy today.
I just didn't want to doanything at all whatsoever, I
just.

Speaker 2 (26:02):
You're preparing.
That's why.

Speaker 1 (26:04):
Yeah.

Speaker 2 (26:05):
Subconsciously we do anything at all whatsoever.
I just I.
I was you're preparing.

Speaker 1 (26:06):
That's why yeah, subconsciously, we're all
preparing ever and I was doomscrolling and I was edging
myself off very hardlythroughout the entire day
because I need to kind of getmyself out of that funk, for
whatever reason.
Yes, I do edge guys, so it'snot a bad thing.

Speaker 2 (26:19):
I know it's not a freaky friday podcast, but
that's, it's whatever I'm very,I get to it again, but not for
the other podcast, that's forthe other day.
Yeah, whatever.

Speaker 1 (26:30):
We're adults, we can talk about it.
But we can talk about it.

Speaker 2 (26:33):
But anyway.

Speaker 1 (26:37):
So I'm just in bed and everything's been hitting me
like a ton of bricks since lastweek and whatnot, and I finally
was able to kind of sit backand kind of just go through my
thoughts and deal witheverything.
And I had to take a step backbecause I realized where a lot
of it's dimmed to and for a lotof the things for me, because,
as I said, everything is justrunning.

(26:58):
I ran my course when I wasyoung.
I did what I did when I wasyounger, right?
So when you're an adult, you'retrying to figure out what is
the next step for you, what'sthe next thing for you.
And as I'm at work, I'm justlike I can't.
I don't want to do this anymore.
I don't want to.
I'm tired of working in a nineto five, 10 hour shift for four

(27:21):
days for corporate and I go.
Man, I've been in every fuckingcorporate job not every company
in the world because I haven't.
I've never quit a job.
I have only quit two jobs in mylifetime and that was pretty
much it.
I just said shall I do?
I'm fucking done with it yeahand that was ikea, and that was
for another loan industry uh,for covington credit.

(27:41):
I walked out on them I saiddude, I can't.
And it's become this epitome.
What's the word I'm looking for?
Epiphany for me is like I'mgetting tired of working these
jobs.
They're not doing anything forme.
The only thing they're doinggood for me is I have insurance

(28:05):
and I have money coming throughmy pocket, right, but it's not
enough to keep the bread rolling, it's not enough for me to keep
my bills afloat, it's notenough to be happy and live a
comfortable lifestyle.
It's literally to a point whereI'm just like what am I doing
with my current situation thatI'm in right now?
What am I doing with my currentsituation that I'm in right now
, you know, and every time andin that whole, in that whole

(28:27):
moment, I'm just, I'm doom,scrolling through Facebook.
I'm probably watching I don'tknow 30 videos already.
I'm trying.
I can't even fucking find theright video that I want to
release on and I'm just like Idon't even want to do that.
So I'm just like I don't evenwant to do that.
So I'm just and naturally, andthen my stomach is already
kicking me in the ass, right.
So it's just like damn what.

(28:50):
What have I done?
What?

Speaker 2 (28:52):
is my life.

Speaker 1 (28:53):
It really is it really becomes that?
What is my life?
What does it come to?

Speaker 2 (28:57):
are you on the?
Are you on the precipice of amidlife crisis, sir?

Speaker 1 (29:01):
um because, no, because I haven't bought it
early.
I haven't bought a mercedes andI haven't bought a bm.
Bought it early, I haven'tbought a mercedes and I haven't
bought a bmw yet and I haven'tgotten a ferrari I was gonna say
I thought it was corvettes andferraris I.
I haven't hit that type ofmidlife crisis yet.
My midlife crisis is when I dyemy hair.

(29:22):
That that's the closest thingI'll get to.
My midlife crisis is dying myhair.
That's hilarious yeah, that's mymidlife crisis for me, or if I
shave my head off completely,that's my midlife crisis.
That's me going.

Speaker 2 (29:35):
Brittany did it again oh my god, is it brittany?
Do it, I could do it yeah,she's.

Speaker 1 (29:39):
She can look beautiful as gag, and so can I.
I just look like a fat pervertwith my head bald.
That's pretty much it.
That's hilarious.
I just hate shaving my headbecause it looks my head.
My head looks like it hasrights, has no tan at all
whatsoever.

Speaker 2 (29:59):
Look, it has rights.
It's that white, that's right.
It's that white, that's awesome.

Speaker 1 (30:08):
But it's just, it's so weird to kind of like for me.
It's just like I'm and I'mhearing the voices in my head
Get up, get up, get up, dosomething, do something.
And I'm pushing back like whatam I going to do?
What can I do for me?

(30:28):
That I know that.
So I'm literally in my headbecause I'm making pillows.
As I'm making these pillows,I'm wondering are these pills,
are going to be anything at all?
Period, am I going to just?
Are they going to sell?
Are they going to make anything?
Will people want these?
We don't know.
We don't know until.

Speaker 2 (30:47):
I try Exactly, and that's the thing.

Speaker 1 (30:50):
I'm taking a big gamble on.

Speaker 2 (30:52):
Everything is a risk.
Every choice is a risk.

Speaker 1 (30:54):
Everything is a risk.

Speaker 2 (30:55):
It's a risk, especially nowadays.
Especially nowadays, with thecost of living alone as it is,
it's really hard to reallocatejust a little bit of your money
into something, because it itends up being a huge risk for
just that little bit of money,because we don't know how well
it's going to do and if we'reout, we're out that much so
we're afraid to even gamble witha huge amount, because we could

(31:18):
have used that for survivalyeah instead, and it's just like
dude.

Speaker 1 (31:22):
This sucks oh, very much so.
Even grocery prices are sofucking ridiculous today.
I'm just like, because we onlybought like a couple of things,
it was like 17, 20 dollars.
I'm just like for a bagcoffee's seven fucking dollars.
I'm just like, wasn't thischeaper?
And I'm like hb branch shouldnot be that expensive.
But I digress.

(31:42):
But it's become.
It's becoming a place where I'mjust like, okay, what can I do?
What can I do?
That's going to be fun and Iand the reason I picked drag and
I wanted to do drag is and thereason I never did it for such a
long time because I've alwayswanted to do drag.
I thought drag was such aphenomenal thing to do and how

(32:04):
people did it.
It is such a fucking cutthroatindustry.
And just to do it for yourselfand then having to find someone
to teach you and then to getyour foot into the door and you
need to find the right person toget you into the door, that's
hard because it's just likecorporation.
It's like, okay, you got tokiss someone's ass and be like,

(32:25):
okay, well, that's hard becauseit's just like corporation.
It's like, okay, you got tokiss someone's ass and be like,
okay, well, that's fine.
But in this industry, I don'tmind finding somebody and
actually kissing their ass andactually fucking their ass too
at the same time, and be like,yeah, I'm your fucking daddy
bitch, you know, but and but.
That's just the thing.
Like it, it becomes a very thatand I've I'm always said I

(32:49):
don't know if I'm ready to be aspopular as I want to be, and
then, at the same time, I'm justlike I just want to be popular
enough for people to know who Iam.
I don't want to be top tier,fucking superstar of the world
or type shit, you know, I justwant to be able to go fuck.
I did this and now I can justbe at home just making and

(33:09):
creating shit.

Speaker 2 (33:10):
But whatever it is that you do, you can still say
fuck, I can do this.

Speaker 1 (33:14):
Or I did this.
It doesn't matter.

Speaker 2 (33:16):
Just because people know that you did, it doesn't
make it any less true, yeah.
Yeah, exactly, just I just wantto be late because I don't.
I for me, this is just me.
We already know.
You and I are opposites in inthat regard, when it comes to
fame or popularity, I'm like, ohgod, please don't, don't, don't
put the spotlight on me, don't,don't make me go up in there on

(33:37):
the stage like I don't like.
Do I like to do thingsabsolutely?
Does it help a lot of people,sure, if I'm the go-to person or
if I'm the name that?
They go to for this or that orwhatever cool beans.
I'm cool with that, like I.

Speaker 1 (33:52):
I don't like, if someone says your name, like you
, they're like oh yeah, I havethis girl didi.
Oh my god, is this the didithat does like?
This is not they do that belike?

Speaker 2 (34:00):
oh my god, shit there's.
I don't want they're startingto know me, you know like yeah,
like I said, I'm the totalopposite, like crap.
You know what I mean.

Speaker 1 (34:08):
But you'd be like the opposite of a drug dealer, like
probably people know where toget their shit from.
You're just like no, don't comeover here yeah, I'm scared.

Speaker 2 (34:16):
It's not that I think what it is is because I've
always held this um, thisstandard for myself, and I know
it's ridiculous, I know it's outthere, but this is just who I
am for towards me guys.
It's got nothing to do, nobodyelse, but I hold myself to such
a high standard.
So when more people start tocome to me for something, I
start to be like okay, I'mreally feeling the pressure,

(34:36):
like you know what?
Because I feel like I have toexcel in my performance in order
to push out quality shit which,technically, I'm learning, I'm
learning now.
That quality shit which,technically, I'm learning, I'm
learning now.
That is not true.
I don't have to do that becausethey're coming to me for my
stuff where it's already at.
I don't have to go above andbeyond right you know what I
mean.
And if they don't like it, wellthen guess what you'll.

(34:58):
You're gonna realize this isn'tfor you after all.
Maybe you thought becausesomebody else had this well,
guess what.
It was different for them thanit was for you.

Speaker 1 (35:05):
Like, I'm gonna do whatever it is I need to do for
me?
Yeah, exactly.
And when I'm thinking like whenI'm making like stuff for me,
and people like, oh, do you wantto go into fashion?
It's like I don't know if Iwant to go into fashion to be
able to understand fashion.
I think I just want to go intoit to be like I know I can
create something and if I wantto create it for somebody else
they can just go buy the shitand just pay me for my work that

(35:27):
I would do to be able to dothat.
And that's how.

Speaker 2 (35:30):
I am.
That's why I've never gone toschool for anything.
The only thing I went to schoolfor which is hilarious is the
hair.
I went to hair school to becomea cosmetologist.
The funny thing is they're like, oh, so that's why you know how
to do hair and makeup.
I'm like, oh no, absolutely not.
I already knew how.
But my uncle offered, like,pick anything that you already
do and I'll pay for you to getlicensed for it so that you can

(35:51):
create a business out of it.
And I was like, oh, okay, thathappened to be the cheapest and
easiest available in my hometown, in my area right so that's
what I did, right so of course,school was cake for me because,
they're like oh my god, you'reso good at this.
I'm like, if y'all only knewwhich I've been doing this since
I was 14.
Yeah, like I already knew myshit so it was cake.

(36:12):
You know what I mean.

Speaker 1 (36:12):
Like I don't know what I know because somebody
taught me, I taught myself Ithink I want to go into
vocational school because I wantto take a vocational class
specifically for welding, and Ijust want to know, I just want
to learn.
That only reasons because a lotof the things that I want to
put together it's going torequire me to maybe to put some
welding on it or whatnot, andbecause we're in the King

(36:33):
community well, guess what?
I can make certain things thatare going to be pretty much
where it's at, and if I knowwelding enough, I can weld
certain things and put thingstogether.
So I would love to learnsomething like that, you know,
just to be able to do it, andthen I can go for a vocational
school for nine months and bedone with it Right.

Speaker 2 (36:51):
I will say this.
I will say this as somebody whohas been down this path that
you're on.
You know I've.
I've told people before I do aridiculous amount of things.
I know how to do a ridiculousamount of things.
I'm in the same boat because,everybody's like oh, how come
you didn't do this with that,how come you didn't do that with
that?
And I'm just like money, money,straight up, because I can do,

(37:12):
I can go into my storage and Ican pick any damn binder and I
can be like business is alreadydone.
I just never had the funds tostart it up because I had so
much time on my hands.
I was like okay.

Speaker 1 (37:24):
You've created a portfolio for it.

Speaker 2 (37:25):
Exactly.
I had no money, but I had time.
I had my brain, I had mycreativity, so I did what I
could.
What can I do?
I did my research, I penciledmy ideas, I printed things out
for future purposes.
It's a done deal, they're alldone, but I never had the funds.
Now do I regret that there's somuch stuff sitting in that

(37:48):
storage untouched?
No, I don't.
I don't, because if I ever needsomething, I have my backup in
case right.
If there's ever money, ifanybody's ever interested on
doing anything.
It's like, hey, I got help andthey'd be like how the hell did
you know?
I had a lot of time, man.
I had a lot of time Like I wasinterested in something but I
couldn't fund my way to eitherlearn it or educate it or get it

(38:11):
off the ground.
So I just taught myselfwhatever I could know and I
prepared myself in the eventthat I could do this stuff.
So here and now it's like, oh,is it too late for me to start
any of that stuff?
Hell, no.

Speaker 1 (38:21):
No, no, no, no it's not, and no, no it's not, and
it's never not because it's likeit's, but for me it's such a
bummer for me.
I don't know why I'm so such abummer for it or why I feel so
bummed about it.
It's just one of those thingslike I just feel this need to
want.
I want to get up and go.
I want to get up and go, right.

Speaker 2 (38:39):
I want to, I want to.

Speaker 1 (38:46):
I want to learn these pillows and you need to do it
right, because there are seamsand hems on them so maybe, maybe
, what it is is you're tired ofstarting things but not
finishing no, no, and there'sstill so much, and so it's
piling up because I'm like Iwant to do this, this, this is
too, but dang it, okay.

Speaker 2 (39:01):
Okay, stay focus, stay focus.
But there's all these otherthings, right?

Speaker 1 (39:04):
so the reason why I stuck more on the focus and the
sewing side for me and makingthese pillows in the sense, like
I said in the last podcast isthat I wanted to do these things
because I said I wanted tostart a project that I have and
I like it was so much fun makingmy first pillow because I made
my first pillow was the.
It was my first pillow and Imade it would have the disney

(39:26):
fillings on it, which was reallycute and it was one of my best
creations.
On it, I goes like I wonder howeasy it is to make pillows and
I saw somebody making pillowsonline too as well.
I was like, oh, these arereally pretty fucking cool.
I can make a ton of these.
These are actually not that bad.
Yeah, um, after a while, as Istarted making these pillows,
when I make the pillow, I'm likecool, and I was using my

(39:47):
roommate's sewing machine.
I wanted my own sewing machine.
So as I got my own sewingmachine, I said fuck it.
I started busting out all thet-shirts that I have and
everything Right.
So I'm just like, okay, I needa stabilizer and everything else
.

(40:09):
Now that I had the sewingmachine, I'm using YouTube
University to want to go.
How do I make all those fuckinguh patterns that I have that
are sitting here?
They're just sitting right.
I can make my own shit.
I can make my own shorts.
I don't have to do about worryabout making shit on, buying
shit on sheen and making money.
I can put it to like fabric andjust be like dude.
I made these badass fuckingshorts for me like fuck, yeah, I
made these jock straps just forme that you're not going to get
anywhere else and they fit meRight.

(40:31):
That's something that I was sohappy to make.
It was for me, yeah, and thesame thing was for the leather.
I wanted to make my ownharnesses, my own stuff, because
I wanted to fit me, because$200, $300, $400 for fucking
leather.

Speaker 2 (40:49):
Bro, two, three, four hundred dollars for fucking
leather bro, the fuck, the fuckyou mean?
Yeah, because leather alone isexpensive, and then the crafts,
the craft work for it againexpensive, right?

Speaker 1 (40:56):
yeah, because it takes a lot of work, but in
you're going to a third, you'regoing to a story that's buying
it literally.
We saw it on.
You know what is it called?
alibaba, whatever alibaba we sawhow cheap that shit was and I'm
just like I can't just buy myshit here and just do it.
And then, as I'm seeing theprices, how much it adds up, I'm
like, bro, I really can buy it.

(41:17):
I just like this is all themoney I need just to get my shit
here to me, like now.
Seriously, it pisses me off.
I get it.
Yeah, it's not.
And you know what?

Speaker 2 (41:30):
It's cool because, but the thing is that's only
half of it.
Right Because the other half isyou teaching yourself how to
actually implement what youlearn and what you just bought
to actually complete a product.

Speaker 1 (41:40):
And you know what I should be doing.
If I wanted to like really playwith like leather and get to
know it, I can just go buy itoff their like clearance rack
and just go and get that andjust play with that before I
play with anything else, becausethat's where it's going to be.
Yep, you know so I haven'treally, and I see people who who
just pick up the talent for it.

Speaker 2 (41:59):
I'm just like bro, it is what it is, yeah and and
I've and I will speak on thatbecause there are people that I
have felt give me shit for it-Really.
They gave me I'm sorry, gave meshit in the past.
There's an attitude in theirtone when they say things to me
regarding any one of my talents,right, and I'm just kind of

(42:19):
like, ok, I'm not using mytalent and creating things for
whatever this is.
So why are you giving me theattitude, bro, like are you
hating?
yeah, you know, it's like well,you could just do it like that,
like um, I'm not gonna apologizefor that, like sorry if it came
naturally to me.
What do you want me to say?

Speaker 1 (42:37):
yeah, and like those who could pick it up easily for
me, I'm just like youmotherfuckers.
Can you teach me how did you dothat?

Speaker 2 (42:43):
like I'm hiding but here's the thing that comes from
, a place where I see, and now Iknow why they were.
They had an attitude towards mebecause it was easy for me.
It came easy to me yeah them.
it's like I gotta learn it.
I can't do like that, I can'tit just, I can't just produce
something like that.
I need to learn it, I need totake my time, I need to practice
, I need to whatever.
But if they were in my shoes,they would have done something

(43:05):
totally different, becausethey're like shit, I got this,
let me do this.
This is this.
Well, guess what?
I didn't have thoseopportunities, so they're upset
because they are pissed that I'mnot doing what they would have
done in my shoes.
That's all it is.
That's all it is Because Icould say the same thing about
somebody who's rich I mean, Idon't care for money but I can
say the same thing is like well,money just came easy to them

(43:26):
and now look at that they'releaving it up and not me, like
okay, so why am I mad about it?

Speaker 1 (43:30):
right you know, it is because well you got no one
else to blame but yourself yeah,I was like well, how come it
didn't come easy to me?

Speaker 2 (43:36):
because, you know what?

Speaker 1 (43:36):
because it just didn't dude yeah, it just didn't
, you weren't bored into it hopeyeah, I certainly wasn't, you
know, I know it's like and it'sfunny because I'm starting to
realize that too as well but Ido get sometimes.
I do get a little ass hurt,because when I see people who
can do it a little bit betterthan I can and I have to fucking
learn how to do it I'm justlike you, cunt.
They're just like what I waslike.
You did that so fucking easily.

Speaker 2 (44:08):
That's how I I mean, I wouldn't have that attitude,
but I could literally sit thereon the table with my hands, like
my face in my hands, and justwatch james for hours, just do
it.
I'm just kind of like, how, howdo you do?
Like, bro, you're just therelike like totally bored like,
and I'm just sitting there likehow are you doing this?

Speaker 1 (44:19):
I could never.

Speaker 2 (44:20):
I could never.

Speaker 1 (44:21):
This is, it would fascinate me it was literally
fascinating to me how he wouldjust make things and do, and I'm
just sitting there like youknow, and it fascinates me too
to see people who can do thethings that they do you know,
what I mean and, as they say,like some of the stuff that
people how they we saw the jeans, the pants with the rainbow and
the with the rhinestones andeverything.

Speaker 2 (44:40):
I'm just like my shit that I would ever wear, but on
somebody else.
Uh, adorable.
Yeah, I'm just like okay, okay,that's actually.

Speaker 1 (44:47):
Yeah, that's actually pretty fucking cool.
I'm just like oh, that'sactually not a bad idea.
So that's where I got a lot ofthe okay.
Well, let me dab a little bitmore into what I need to do.
But I already have the fabric.
I might as well just startsomewhere where I can get my
foot into the door somewhere,right?
Yeah, so that's why I boughtthis kind of like the sequences
and everything.
I was like okay, that's, I havethis.

(45:08):
Now let me see if I can kind ofhand sew them and how I'm going
to sew them.
I'm just kind of sewing them onlike a piece of fabric, yeah,
For practice.
For practice purposes, right,just to be able to sew a
sequence on properly Rhinestones.
You already told me about thatand everything thing.
Yeah, and as I'm like goingthroughout my entire day and and
figuring out things out and Ifinally get out of bed and I

(45:30):
finally make something to eat,um, it dawned on me, it's like
it, you or I allowed myself tohave these people tell me
throughout my time that I wasnever going to be good at

(45:50):
anything the only time I knew Iwas ever good at something is
when I was in theater.
When I did theater, like insixth grade.
That was the only and last timeI did theater.
Uh, because the teacher sawtalent in me.
Uh, she said you would be agreat comedian because you were
funny.
You, you know, because sheallowed us to be us, because it

(46:12):
was a theater class, right, itwas fun.
It's when I got to learn how tomake little puppets and hand
sewing, crafting on on all ofthat, and, you know, doing
voices, and I love doing voices,you know that you guys know
that, yeah, y'all, y'all, evenknow that.
So it became a.
That was my happy place.
That was genuinely my.

(46:33):
That was.
I can pinpoint a time that thatpoint in time for me was the
most happiest time of my life,because it was genuinely where I
felt the most comfortable untillater on in life oh so you're a
faggot, oh you're gay.
And it was crushing me becauseI allowed a a thing to get in

(46:59):
the way for me growing up.
Even to this day, I still hearthose.
I still hear it in my headYou're nothing, you're you're
head, you're nothing, you'relazy, you don't have talent.
Why are you trying to do it?
I'm hearing all of this frompeople around me that used to
tell me that still, and it stillirks me.
I'm just like, yeah, we're notdoing that, because it's your

(47:22):
shadow.

Speaker 2 (47:22):
And you haven't been able to process it where it's
completely gone yet, because theday that you do, you're not
going to hear that anymore andyou're not going to feel limited
anymore.
Right, you know what I mean.
And it sucks because, like Isaid, those particular kinds of
shadows, those are the ones thatpeople don't want to do,
because those are the ones thatare going to kick your ass oh,
it's been kicking me in the assfor quite some time and it's

(47:43):
going to unfortunately andthat's the shitty thing too,
because everybody's kind of likeoh well, if you just heal your
gravy like no, healing neverstops until the day you die.
It's not this one.
It's not like oh, just sit withit, have a dark night of the
soul and you'll be gravy, likeno.
No, there's people that, yes,they will go through this one
major dark night of the soulwhere everything in their life
completely flips and they're awhole new person.
They're a better, betterversion of themselves Awesome.

(48:05):
There's other people.
They go through multiple darknights of the soul because it's
an ongoing thing.
Unfortunately, I'm the secondone and it sucks.

Speaker 1 (48:12):
But whatever.

Speaker 2 (48:14):
Kill me now, but either way, they both end up
with you being the betterversion of yourself if you
actually stick to it and learnthe lessons.
Is it easy?
Absolutely not.
Does it suck?
It sucks ass bad.
Like it, it kills.
You know what I mean.
Like, yes, we can go throughthe human experience and

(48:34):
whatever you know outsidesources deaths, for example and
they suck right this stuff.
Sad to say, it sucks worsebecause you're dying.
You are dying right, but you'realive.
At the same time, you're dyingon the inside because it's the
old version of you and you mournthe shit out of it for the rest
of your life it sucks yeah, thereward is the best thing and I

(48:57):
was looking and I was like man,well, I was doing so good
because I saved up money.

Speaker 1 (49:00):
I saved up like 2500 and what the hell happened?
It happened because life no,well, that life got.
Life got in the way, yes, butit kind of it showed me
something about me as a personis that when I put my mind and
I'm ready to save the money forit and I know I can do it, I'm
at my happiest.

(49:21):
But when I start spending onthings that I don't need, it
becomes where I'm at my status.
But now I'm buying things, nowbecause I know I need them and
it's something that I'm justlike.
I can either do this and makesomething great out of it and
show the world that I'm ready todo this, even if I'm late to
the game, and I don't care if Iam late to the game and I don't

(49:44):
care if we're in a fucking placewhere it's just like, oh well,
the economy is shit, that's fine, let the economy be shit.
I will find a way.
Where there's a will, there's away and we will.
I will always find a way tomake things work out so people
can live a better lifestyle forme, for myself and for them.
This is not about me.

(50:04):
This is about creatingsomething that's spectacular,
you know, and being able toperform.
And being able to do that.
I do miss it.
I do miss being I secludedmyself for almost since I've
been with my after, I think,three, four years into our
relationship, I secluded myselfto get away from social media

(50:25):
and on that, and I think I'mkind of done being secluded.
I need to put myself more outthere and I think that's.
I think that's the main thing,because people don't want me to
come back out.
They like that I wasn't around.
Does that make sense?
and I'm not talking about, likegoing to the bars or what like
going to the bars like I've oneof the examples was going to one
of the events and people werejust like what are you doing

(50:46):
here?
Blah, blah, blah.
I'm just like, oh my God, Imake such an impact on somebody.
This is fucking awesome.
So it's like it's just prettymuch that, but it's, you know,
pretty much dealing with.
It's going.
Ok, I need to take a deepbreath.
I need to look at what I have.
What can I do?

(51:07):
I have the makeup, I have theskills.
I have a best friend who's afucking great makeup artist
right, who I can get my shitfrom that.
I don't really need to go andbuy fucking palettes on palettes
, on palettes, on palettes.
I can just be like bestie youknow, and it just becomes that
it's like I can just pay you forthe shit, right?

(51:29):
So it's like I don't need to doanything, I just need to.

Speaker 2 (51:35):
You just need to work with what you have already yeah
, and make it fucking work.

Speaker 1 (51:40):
So if it's making something out of these patterns
or quilts that I have, then sobe it.
So be it.
Then so be it, and I will makeit work.
Look, if I can't make pillowsout of these shirts that I have
not whatnot?
Then you know what I'll do next.
Let me see if I can make at-shirt out of everything, and
it'll be my Frankensteint-shirts, you know, a

(52:02):
Frankenstein button-up orsomething that will be added on.
I need to know everything aboutmyself as a person and, yeah, I
probably do need to lose theweight so I can be more
comfortable in my own body andskin.
You know, so it becomes.
It's a lot of it is like.

Speaker 2 (52:19):
I love that you said that I had a I'm not going to
say an epiphany, but I had amoment last night.
I deal with my things at night,by the way, so I think we all
do it's always a night thing.
I'm just sitting there, likeanyways but I'm processing.
Yeah, I was processing somethingand that popped up the whole
body thing, the confidence, thewhatever.

(52:40):
I'm just like, yeah, I lack it,bad, and but I have for years
and I my stuff stemmed back towhen I was my most unhappy.
It was because I was inspecific relationships, that
where I was still being anarcissistic victim that's the
shitty part and I remember thatwas my most unhappy, that was my

(53:04):
heaviest, that was my mostunhealthy.
Like bad, it was so bad.
My brain has blocked out yearsof specific relationships
because when somebody hadmentioned something, I was just
like, oh, I lived in thatneighborhood and they're like,
oh, yeah, what street?
And I was like, um, holy shit,I I don't remember the name,

(53:25):
like I don't remember the nameof the house that I lived in,
right.
So I started thinking like Iwas, like I know, don't remember
the name, like I don't rememberthe name of the house that I
lived in, right.
So I started thinking like Iwas, like I know it's on the
corner and I'm like, oh, my god,I don't know what the inside of
that house looks like yeahthat's how bad it was.
I don't know what happened mybrain, my brain's protecting me
from something, I suppose, anduh, cool, I'll take it.
But I was literally like if Iwalked into the door of my house
, where was my room?

(53:46):
Where was my bathroom?
What did I have in my like?
This was my house.
I don't remember anything aboutit.
That's horrible.
That is horrible Like whathappened to me, what happened to
me in that era that my brainhad to block it out.

Speaker 1 (54:04):
Because I remember you.
Sorry, I don't mean to cut youoff out because I remember when
I first met you you you werewith james and I remember you
were wearing low-cut shirts.
I remember you wearing low-cutshirts.
That's how I know, that's how I, that's how I gave you the name
well, yeah, because you can seeall my chest piece yeah that's
how you got the name, the chichigirl, because that's who,
that's what, how it was that'show it was tattoo titty girl,

(54:26):
was it yeah?
it was tattoo titty girl.
Yeah, it was either.
Tattoo titty girl, the chichigirl, it was one of those two.
I'll never forget, james youmean didi, my wife like oh yeah,
her um I'm sorry my bad, I justdidn't know her fucking name.
I just remember she had afucking badass t and she was the
tattoo titty girl so did thatoffend you good?

Speaker 2 (54:47):
it's like, yeah, you're looking at my girl's tits
, literally I'm gay, I mean I'mlooking at your dick too.

Speaker 1 (54:54):
But here we are.
Where's the big dick guy who Idon't know?

Speaker 2 (54:59):
the one with the big the one with the chops, the one
with the chops, dad, that wouldbe like.

Speaker 1 (55:05):
You know what I see?
You thought I was being sexistand now you turn it back and
turn it on you that is hilarious.

Speaker 2 (55:15):
No, but I was, and I had.
I had a moment where I was justkind of like you know what?
I've not been nice to my body?
Yeah, I've not, I've I've letit go I didn't give it, I didn't
give it the attention that itdeserved, Considering it's
carrying me through some shit myentire life.
I have neglected the shit outof it.
I've treated it badly, not withintention, not with intention,

(55:36):
it's just I'm so in my headabout everything else, I just
tend to neglect my body.
So I had this moment and I waskind of like, okay, serious,
like what is my deal?
You know what I mean?
My deal is because it stemmedfrom this.
Well, guess what, I'm notdealing with that, no more.
I'm a totally different person.
So how come I haven't?
It's like oh, because it wasn'tfirst on my list.

Speaker 1 (55:56):
That's all.

Speaker 2 (55:56):
So my thing is like okay, do I want to lose the
weight?
Do I want?
In all honesty, maybe it's myage, maybe it's my mentality, I
don't care.
If I stay this size, I staythis size.
If I get smaller, cool.
If I get bigger, it's whatever.
But my thing is, my goal withmy body is just to honor it more

(56:17):
.

Speaker 1 (56:20):
I just need to take care of it better.

Speaker 2 (56:21):
I need to feed it better, I need to cleanse it
better.
I need to keep up with itbetter, just to honor it for
what it's done for me, becauseto this day it's still carrying
me through all of the shit thatI've been through physically,
mentally, emotionally because itmanifests in your body right,
you know what I mean, because Idid poor thing.
You look like crap becauseyou've been through shit.
You know what I mean.

(56:41):
Like it's you're starting.

Speaker 1 (56:44):
What is it?
You have you seen?
Uh, it was uh mr crab, where hesheds his skeletal shit and he
just has all that skin and what.
That's how I felt when I waslooking in the mirror.

Speaker 2 (56:53):
I'm just like, wow, this is yeah, so my so my
confidence, like I said, it'snot up there.
So, yes, I already know whereyou were gonna go with that
whole like oh yeah, you used to,I did I used to wear things
that would show me off a lotbetter than now, because now I'm
just graphic teasing jeans,yeah graphic teasing jeans.

Speaker 1 (57:11):
I'm just saying that's it I don't know, always
tell people it's like, yeah,she's beautiful man, she had
this like this chest piece andeverything.
And people are like I thoughtshe had a chest piece.
It's there, you don't see it.
Like up of her fucking collar.
She's like I thought she wouldalways wear low cuts.

Speaker 2 (57:22):
I thought so too, but either that or it's a placebo
effect no, I had closets full ofall these pretty clothes that I
would wear on a regular when Iworked um at avenue years ago.
Two closets full of you know,pretty things.
But, like I said, my body overthe years I didn't.
I just didn't love it anymore.
I didn't have any love for itat all but, like I said, it

(57:44):
stems from a different place.
So now that I'm here, I'm justlike you know what my body is,
what it is man like.
Is it the greatest?
No, by a long shot.
Can I do better?
Absolutely.
Can I still do?
Yeah, because I have the chancehere now yeah instead of, when
I'm 80 years old, be like yeah,I can't move for shit, you know?

Speaker 1 (58:00):
like yeah, that was my main thing.
I just don't want to get likeinto, well, into my 40s and I'm
just I.
My excuse is I'm fat or I'moverweight and I'm already
seeing that already a lot formyself.
You know what I mean.
It's just like, oh, I can't goskydiving.
I'm just like, oh, I would loveto go skydiving.
Why don't you?
Um, because you know I'm fatand gravity is not my best

(58:21):
friend.
I would.

Speaker 2 (58:22):
I would plummet a lot more faster you know, it's
funny when people are just likeyou're not like stop, it's like
no.
No, I'm sorry, maybe youmisunderstood.
I'm gonna talk about myself.
However, I want to talk aboutmyself.
I'm not doing it for attentionyeah, I really yeah.
Yeah, I know what I look likebro and I this is my perception
of my body you might see me adifferent way.
You might see me uglier, or youmight see me prettier, it

(58:44):
doesn't matter.
And cool, whatever you can have, whatever opinion you want.

Speaker 1 (58:47):
My uh rad gets mad at me when I do that too as well.

Speaker 2 (58:50):
I'm just like, and I get it, I get it and I do.
I want to do that.
No, but I think I'm so.
I'm just so used to doing it ina comedic way.
I'll make fun of myself all day.
Every day, it's whatever rightyou know what I mean, because
and it's not like, oh well, youdo that, so people will.
You know, they will.
It won't hurt you when they dothat.
I don't give a shit if they dothat, bro, I really don't like,
because I get it before it'slike oh, you're trying to beat

(59:10):
him to the punch, so you won'tget hit like no, this is who I
am this is who I've always been.

Speaker 1 (59:15):
This is just what this is our humor's like in my
family.
Yeah it, that's just how my myhumor always was.
But when I remember, when I wasgrowing up and well into my 20s
, I dude, I felt hot, I lookedhot I felt great.
I man.
I was fucking men left andright like I literally had men
coming in out of my doors everysingle, to the point where

(59:36):
fucking the management fromfront of front was like yo
what's with the traffic?
Yeah, what's with the traffic?
you know, yeah, it was that bad,like I had complaints every
single time and I'm just like,oops, I can't help it.
You know, get what you get, um,but it was kind of like it was

(59:58):
kind of it was that and I kindof missed that.
I don't I'm not missing to bewhole, because I'm still a hole,
that I'm fat.
I could still do it even if I'mfat, you know, but I'm fat.
But I just don't want to knowmore.
What ifs?
I want to do things, I want toget moving to it.
I know I'm not where I want tobe and I know where I need to be

(01:00:20):
, and then it's never too lateto do anything.
So, coming to the end of ourpodcast, here is that hashtag
you're.
It's never too late.

Speaker 2 (01:00:28):
Exactly it's never too late, hashtag.
The answer is no, it's nevertoo late.

Speaker 1 (01:00:31):
No, go and get your nipples, peers, go and get that
kitty clipped.

Speaker 2 (01:00:38):
Go do whatever the hell it is that you want to do.
You ever wanted period Do whatyou want to do.

Speaker 1 (01:00:43):
I think it's just that, like I'm wanting to do the
gastric bypass but everyone'stelling me to do the sleeve and
I'm having second thoughts ofdoing it because I'm just like I
think I'm going to do it myselfand just put it.

Speaker 2 (01:00:57):
Just put the work in.

Speaker 1 (01:00:58):
Put the work in, because you know what, if I take
the easy way out and just say,oh, yeah, I'll just go ahead and
do the sleeve, that's just metaking a shortcut.
It was because I was being toolazy to do the work.
Yeah, that's funny.

Speaker 2 (01:01:09):
I had talked about that with my aunt, I think, the
other day.
I was like people can do andtake and ingest and surgically
do whatever they need to to losethe weight, to get skinny, to
thin, to shape themselves,whatever.
But it's not going to last ifyour mentality isn't where it
needs to be first, because thething is you have your sleeve
cool beans.
Well, guess what now you caneat?
Maybe the amount that's thesize of a boiled egg yeah if

(01:01:33):
you're not mentally prepared tobe okay with that, then guess
what?
you're gonna start squeezing inthis, here and there, here and
there, and then it's gonna justgo right back to where you were
anyways it needs to be yourmental state first I can
mentally handle it.

Speaker 1 (01:01:47):
That's not the issue, because I've done it before in
the past.
It's not the issue or theproblem.
Yeah, um, the thing is is it'slike oh, it wasn't saying that
you wouldn't oh yeah, no, no,it's just the fact that you want
to do it and put in the work.

Speaker 2 (01:01:59):
That's where it's at yeah not not to say that you
can't.
You can go and change your mindand get the sleeve or the
bypass if you want to, but thefact that your mentality is
already like you know, you knowwhat I'm just gonna do the work,
like that's where other peopleshould be yeah in their mental
state.

Speaker 1 (01:02:11):
You know what I mean I should be doing the work and I
shouldn't make it.
I should not be making anyexcuses at all for myself, or
that or for anybody or takingany shortcuts period, and I
think that's a lot of thingswhere I'm also missing in the
message, when it comes to myspirituality too as well,
because I forget, um, who I amas a person at times and where
have I been, what's happened tome, what it's all, and some

(01:02:34):
things have become epiphany tome.

Speaker 2 (01:02:35):
I'm just saying, oh, that's and on the opposite of
the spectrum, people go way toofar.
On the other end, and theydon't, they forget that they're
not the ones that are actuallyin charge.

Speaker 1 (01:02:47):
Yeah, that for me, that I'm just sitting there like
yeah, and this is gonna turnout really entertaining for the
rest of us yeah, and I know thatI'm not in charge of it, though
, but sometimes I do have to bestubborn until life or the
universe itself is like I'm not.
I can't let you playing with youI'm not playing with you, bitch
, like no, it's like I can't letthe universe be like I'm gonna

(01:03:08):
let.
I can't always say I'm gonnaleave it in your hands.
Give me the direction where Ineed to leave, because half the
time it doesn't always say I'mgoing to leave it in your hands.
Give me the direction where Ineed to leave, because half the
time it doesn't always work outthe way I wanted it to do.

Speaker 2 (01:03:16):
That was meant to happen, though.

Speaker 1 (01:03:18):
It's meant to happen.
But at the same time I'm justlike I will give the universe
certain things of my life andsay if it was meant to be, it's
meant to be.
And this is like friendships,relationships, love.
But when it comes to my career,money, everything else

(01:03:39):
technically, it's everything,love it's everything.
But here's the thing I I willhave choice and free will though
I do have choice and free will,because it's like I will leave
those options on the table forthem.
The only thing and the optionsthat I want to kind of grasp and
I know I'm very stubborn about,yeah is my career, my money and
what I want.
And the reason I say that isbecause, look, they can give me
curveballs all day, every day,and I'm just going to look at it

(01:04:00):
and go fuck you like yeah,you're going to find a way.

Speaker 2 (01:04:03):
You're going to find a way.
I always do I always find a way.

Speaker 1 (01:04:06):
So it's.
I'm just like I've already mademy stance and where I want you
to control and be able to takeand run with that.
I want to take control overthis.
If there's something that Ineed to slow down on that, I
need a knocking at the door foran opportunity.

Speaker 2 (01:04:21):
It's going to do it anyway, then give it, yep.

Speaker 1 (01:04:23):
But don't fucking hit me and gut me where I need to
be at.
You know, that's kind of I mean, I mean yeah.
I mean yeah, I mean reality,yeah, you're not wrong, but at
the same time I'm getting tiredof it because, look, they've
always say, oh God doesn't givehis best.
I'm tired of being on thefucking front lines.
Bitch, I want to be benched.

Speaker 2 (01:04:42):
Yeah.
I say the same thing and I'mjust like, oh yeah.

Speaker 1 (01:04:45):
Yeah.
Because I'm not handling it verywell and you know saying it out
loud now and making it feelsgood because it's like I know
I'm making a stance for myself.
You I have always told theuniverse you giving me this
fucking free will to do what Ineed to do, to make things
happen.
My free will has already beenwasted already in my 30s.

(01:05:05):
I've done great in my 20s.
I have an amazing relationshipin my 30s.
Now I need that shit back to me.
I need it for me, not for you.
I will let you have thisportion of my life.
Let me have this portion of mylife.
That's all I'm asking.
That's all I really fuckingcare about.
I will do everything I can tomake it happen, to say thank you

(01:05:28):
, I appreciate it.
You need me to slow down.
Don't fucking hit me hard whereI need to be hitting hard the
most and don't come after mymoney that's that.

Speaker 2 (01:05:39):
Well, that's the thing.
We can't tell it when to do itor how to do it.
It's going to do it, and ifit's hard it's because it needed
to be oh, no, we were either weweren't going to pay attention
or it's a hit had already beenshowing us and we were just kind
of like, nah, no I think untilit's like bitch we're gonna do
it.

Speaker 1 (01:05:58):
I will finish this up really quickly.
Is that I get what you'resaying?
Yeah, I 100 do.
I'm not knocking what you'resaying, yeah.
What I'm saying is is that I amalready into a point where I am
like I'm over what the universehas put on the table for me
already and how much of it thatI've just said enough enough is

(01:06:20):
enough already.
I, I genuinely appreciateeverything the universe has
given me.
I really have appreciatedeverything the good days, the
bad days, those horrible days,whatever it is.
I'm, it's, I'm done, I.
That's all behind me and Iappreciate that I've learned
from all of that.
The next thing that I need themto do is literally hop off of

(01:06:44):
my dick just for a moment.
That's pretty much it.
That's all I want you to do isjust hop off my dick just for a
moment.
You know I'm not trying andit's like I'm taking back and
reclaiming what's mine.
I put a lot of faith into theuniverse to get me what I needed
and it hasn't quite worked outthe way I need it to be.

(01:07:05):
So you know what.
What and.

Speaker 2 (01:07:08):
I'm not going to be 100% on this, but your North
Node is in Aries, in the sixthhouse, sir.
The sixth house has to do withroutines, daily life, pets,
health and I'm not sure exactlywhat else.
That is what your destiny is,so, technically.
If you're getting shit into thestick from the universe and

(01:07:30):
you're getting tired of it, it'sbecause you doing things you
want to do and the universe islike.
This is not what you're meant todo, though you want to do it
and we get pissed off becauseit's like no, but I wanna, you
know what I mean.
Like give it to me now.
We're gonna throw tantrumsbecause, hey, we're human, you
know what I mean.
We want what we want, but itdoesn't necessarily mean that's
what we're meant to fulfill inthis you're not wrong really

(01:07:50):
sucks, because guess where am I?
No, no, does that family andI'm like hell no that's the
thing where I'm getting it'slike I'm not.

Speaker 1 (01:08:00):
Look, I get what, I get what they're saying, I get
what the, the whole zodiac signsthe.
I'm big into it too as well Iget it.

Speaker 2 (01:08:11):
I felt like damn, just like saying that, oh, that
is a good, because I can I cando health, I can do all of that.

Speaker 1 (01:08:16):
That is fine.
I can do that.

Speaker 2 (01:08:17):
That's not an issue, it's just and that's probably
why that's easy for you.
Huh, that's probably why it'seasy for you, yeah, I know yeah,
yeah, yeah I know.
That's why the whole familylife is easy for me, do I?

Speaker 1 (01:08:29):
want it?
No, but it's easy for me.

Speaker 2 (01:08:31):
Why?
Because that's what I meant todo.
That's I'm like, oh, why so?

Speaker 1 (01:08:36):
no, I know what I meant to do.
I know what my north note saysand what I need to do.
It.
It's just that, bro.
Okay, I can do that.
I can do what it's requested ofme and do it.
I will do what you'rerequesting of me to do, but I do
need you to hop off my dick andlet me do what I want to do.
If I do this, let me do this.
Like I, simple as that, likemaybe that's the point.

Speaker 2 (01:08:58):
If we fulfill what we're supposed to, then do we
get our rewards and do whateverwe want I'm just saying, I mean,
it is what it is like thatwould be awesome it would be
awesome.

Speaker 1 (01:09:08):
It would be awesome, but I mean I'm not trying to get
into like fitness and trying todo the whole.
Yeah it's not my thing.
It's never been my thing.
Yeah, I know it's in my northnode, though, but if I started
doing what it told me to do, I'mnot going to be happy, because
that's not what I feel like mycalling is.
Just because you gave me acalling doesn't mean I want to

(01:09:28):
do it.
So, yes, this is where I alwayswill tell the universe get off
my dick and let me do what Iwant.
I've already had enough with myparents telling me what the
fuck to do.
Give me my free will that I wassupposed to be given, and let
me have it.

Speaker 2 (01:09:41):
You got it.
Yeah, I got it.
Everybody uses it.
Everyone uses it, but I haven'tbeen.
Free will is the only thingthat cannot be swayed, which is
fine yeah, but the thing is, westart to alter our own path
that's fine choice and free will.
So that again and of course itgoes back to the holes like,
okay, yeah, you have your choicefor free will, but if this is
going on, it's because yourchoices and free will has
brought you here and it's notfor you.

(01:10:02):
So you're like okay, fine, I'llturn this way.
You know what I mean.
So you go down the differentdirection you're like hey, how
about this, but that's the wholepoint is we need to.

Speaker 1 (01:10:09):
I think that's where my stubbornness is coming in
from too as well, because I'mjust saying but this explains
why you get like you're over it.

Speaker 2 (01:10:15):
You know what I mean.
You're over it because you'relike yo.
How come every direction thatI'm trying to take, you cut me
off?

Speaker 1 (01:10:21):
Yeah, you know what I mean.
Because it's gettingfrustrating, because it's just
like I stop trying to push meand it's like the same thing
with my mom, like, oh, if yougot into like health and you
know nursing and all of that,you'd be so great at it.
I'm just like it's not mycalling, I don't.

(01:10:42):
I mean it's in my fucking northnode, but still it's not.
It's not where I want to be atyeah it's not because I know
that if I do it, no one's gonnafucking listen.
You know what I mean and it'slike you don't know.
I do know, I do know, becausehow many times have I told these
fucking assholes who areworking out how's your fucking
cardio?
And I can see that you're notworking on your cardio it's the
delivery that pisses them.

Speaker 2 (01:11:05):
I'll just say they're like this way how's your cardio
?
What do you mean by that?
Exactly?

Speaker 1 (01:11:11):
what I meant.
Yeah, because I was talking,we'll save it for another
podcast.
Yeah, that's hilarious, butanywho, until we meet again, I
am your host, jesse James.

Speaker 2 (01:11:20):
And I am your co-host , Dee Dee.

Speaker 1 (01:11:21):
Until next time, mature mischief.
Until next time, maturemischief podcast and our fucking
amazing gremlins who continueto tune.