May 19, 2025 • 39 mins
What happens when domestic violence shatters a family? The trauma ripples outward, creating countless secondary "patients" who must navigate their own healing journeys alongside the primary victim.
Elena Maria takes us through the devastating moment she received news that her sister Yolanda had been murdered by her husband—a shocking act witnessed by her 14-year-old nephew. With raw honesty, Elena describes driving three hours on autopilot to reach her family and the surreal reality of gathering not for their usual celebration, but in shared grief.
"I felt everything and nothing all at the same time," Elena reveals, capturing the paradox of trauma that leaves you simultaneously overwhelmed and numb. This conversation ventures beyond the immediate tragedy to explore how domestic violence particularly affects Black communities, where cultural silence often prevents intervention. "We need to talk about it more," Elena emphasizes, suggesting churches and community spaces should prominently display resources for those suffering in silence.
The most powerful moments come as Elena shares how her family is rebuilding—through therapy for every member, maintaining family togetherness, and her personal commitment to honor her sister's legacy. Wearing a necklace containing her sister's ashes, Elena continues pursuing her creative gifts as an author, actress, and entrepreneur, guided by her sister's memory. "I refuse to give the grave any of my potential," she declares, transforming her pain into purpose.
For anyone touched by trauma or supporting someone through grief, this episode offers profound wisdom about healing while acknowledging that some wounds never fully close. Instead, we learn to live through them, carrying our loved ones forward by embracing life with even greater intention.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:26):
Thank you very much.
Well, hello everyone, goodMonday.
Well, we're doing this.
It's Monday morning, so helloeveryone Monday morning.
If you're not in the morningbut you're in the afternoon,
good afternoon.
I don't think we're on withanyone that is in the evening,
(00:48):
although if we're doinginternational, which we are,
there may be some people thatare in nighttime for them, so to
them I say good evening.
Thank you so much once againfor joining in speaking with
Sandra L.
What we do is we bring thepatient's experience to the
(01:08):
forefront.
We let patients explain whatthey're looking for in the
doctor, the challenges that theyfaced when they went to a
doctor's office, or not even adoctor, but any clinician's
office.
What kind of care did theyreceive?
And then we also make sure thatwe highlight those providers
(01:29):
that are doing their utmost bestthat they can do to make sure
that each patient they touch,irregardless as to what their
color is, irregardless as towhat their gender is and also
irregardless as to what theirsocioeconomic factors are, that
they treat us all the same.
And so often our voice getslost in a shuffle or we're
(01:52):
begging.
Please have us at the tablewhen you're talking about us and
it doesn't happen, or it rarelyhappens.
Well, with the podcast, whatwe're hoping to do is to ensure
that it always happens and thatwhen providers hear us speak and
they have something that theywant us to share with us on, you
know what they're looking forin their patients.
(02:14):
Then they can come on as welland say well, you know what we
look for our patients is, butwhat we get is so that we, as a
foundation, can start speakingto both parts.
So today I have a very specialguest.
She does it all, so I'm goingto let her tell you what she
(02:35):
does.
So throughout our conversationshe will be touching upon what
she does.
But it's important to know thatwhat she does as a patient has
something to do, a little bit todo, and probably right now has
more than just a little bit todo, or why she excels at those
(02:57):
things that she does.
Because, as I often tell people, the patient is very often not
the patient.
The patient is that patient'sfamily, that patient's community
, and even sometimes thatpatient's doctor is a part of
that patient's network.
And so today, alana Maria isgoing to tell us a little bit
(03:21):
about what occurred to cause herto be in the patient experience
group that she's currently in.
So, without further ado, I'mgoing to go ahead and get
started with the questions fortoday that I have planned just
for her and I'm hoping she'llshare, and, if you have a
comment, please do put thosecomments in the chat so that we
(03:44):
can take a look at them and wecan address them.
I do want to make thisdisclaimer what you're about the
information that you're aboutto hear is, in fact, factual.
However, we are not doctors.
We don't say that we're doctors, but what we can do is get you
the help that you need to getfrom a doctor so that you don't
(04:07):
fall victim to what we'rediscussing here, and this
happens to both men and women.
So, with that being said, I'mgoing to go ahead and ask you
can you describe your initialreaction when you received that
phone call telling you whatoccurred?
Speaker 2 (04:24):
Oh, my initial reaction was shock, disbelief,
sadness.
I was lost.
I can't give enough adjectivesto describe what I felt, but I
felt a little bit of everything.
I didn't know if I wanted tohit the ground.
I didn't know if I wanted tojump up and down, I didn't know
if I wanted to turn around.
I didn't know what to dobecause when I got the phone
(04:46):
call about the incident thatwe're talking about, my sister,
yolanda Williams, who wasunfortunately brutally murdered
by her husband of many years, ofmy gifts, and I was on set and
we just was taking a break, andI got that phone call from my
(05:07):
nephew and I just was soconfused and just almost out of
my mind.
I was three and a half hoursaway actually, so I had to drive
home by myself.
Honestly, I don't know how Imade it home.
I was on autopilot, my foot wasmashed to the floor, floor,
speeding down the interstate,trying to get from Miami back to
Daytona, to get to my family,to get to my mom, my sister, my
(05:29):
sisters, my other sister, shana,and my sister who passed away
her children, and everyone thatI love.
So I was just focused ongetting there, getting to them,
but I declare I felt like I wason a jet plane, because one
minute I was in Miami, the nextminute I was pulling up with my
family trying to piece togethereverything.
And when I saw again everythingthat I love sitting in a room
together crying, it made it evenmore real.
(05:52):
You know, it's one thing to hearsomething, but then when you
pull up you see all the cards.
It's not for a cookout or acrowd war that we normally do.
You know, it's nothing unusualfor a pile of us to be together.
Unusual for a pile of us to betogether, but this time for
something that was sounperceivable and just
unnecessary and justgut-wrenching.
So I felt everything andnothing at all, all at the same
(06:13):
time now I do want to say this,and you said it, you know.
Speaker 1 (06:17):
You said I don't know how I did it, and I tell people
when they say things happen andthey're like, excuse me,
they're like sandra, I don'tknow how I did it, but god and
always remember, but god, yeah,whatever your spirituality is,
remember that that's whoactually carried you through it
like that, because, like yousaid, you was three and a half
(06:39):
hours away, you know, and Iremember it was a point in time
when I was very, very sick, andmy family, because I'm in
Chicago, my family's on the EastCoast.
It was my sister.
My nephew said Aunt Sandy, Ithink she must have been driving
(07:01):
about 90 miles an hour to getto you.
And you know, know, the copsstopped her and she just said
just give me the ticket.
I'm going to take my sister,just give me the ticket, right.
So I can just about imagine youdoing the same thing, like give
me the ticket.
I ain't even going to argue withyou, just give me the ticket,
I'll pay it and keep going rightthings like that happen, but
(07:22):
I'm glad to say and I'm glad tosee that you safely yeah you are
going right, and the onlyperson that could have gotten
you there is god oh yeah overyou this whole time.
It's god, you know, leading godand you, and yes, there, you
know, sometimes in our life wehit patches where they're not
(07:45):
the patches that we want to hityeah right, but god gives us.
So thank you so much for thatand I'm glad to see, and I'm
glad to know that you wereactually able to get home safely
, amen.
How has this experienceimpacted your view on domestic
violence?
Speaker 2 (08:02):
and how it impacts families oh, my goodness.
So it's one thing to livevicariously through another
person.
Right, you can be like, oh, Isympathize.
But in my case now, I cansympathize and empathize because
I've had to live through it andit is not a good feeling.
Um, it's just just thinkingback on what you could have done
(08:25):
.
How could I have fixed it, howcould I have helped, how could I
have made it better?
So what it has changed as faras my outlook on domestic
violence has caused me to be avoice.
At this point I am increasingone of my other giftings that I
speak, I'm a speaker, and I wantto share the message far and
wide, along with my mother,annette L Anderson, speaking
(08:47):
about and providing resourcesand encouraging people who are
in those situations.
You know, to realize thatdoesn't have to be the end of
the story.
You know there is help outthere and a lot of people are
afraid because their partnerthreatens them I'll kill you,
your family, whatever the casemay be, or they may feel
hopeless, or they don't have themoney to go, or the means or
the family, or they just don'tfeel strong enough.
(09:08):
Um, so that makes me want to,um, you know, be a voice and an
advocate for those who are goingthrough that situation.
A lot of time people thinkabout, oh, the kids, but the
extended family.
You know, my sister's been mysister, that's my older sister,
since the day I came into theworld.
She's loved me, you know.
So her absence is just, it'sjust sickening, sometimes when I
(09:28):
want to pick up the phone, orsometimes it's absent-minded.
Let me call it.
We called her Linda, let mecall Linda, but she's not going
to answer.
You know what I mean.
And so those, those emotionsthat you go through and they'll
be this, this will be a lifelongjourney for me.
I'll never get over my sister'sdeath.
I'm going to tell you thatright now.
Um, I learned to live throughit and live with the facts,
(09:51):
because a part of life is, thebible says the time to live in,
the time to die.
It's a part of the journey.
Um, so death hurts either way.
Whether someone has cancer or,you know, a car, whatever the
situation is, it hurts to losesomeone.
I don't care if they're 99, ahundred years old.
That hurts because you lovethem.
But when it's attached to trauma, it adds that extra layer of
(10:13):
why.
You know that hopelessness, allthese questions you ask God,
why me, why her, why us, why thechildren?
The terrible act he did infront of my nephew, you know
what I mean and he's only 14years old.
So there's another layer oftrauma.
You know what I mean.
All the kids are hurting, butthis baby actually saw his
mother on the ground.
You know what I mean.
And he has to wake up every dayreliving those horrible,
(10:37):
horrible, horrible traumas.
But to your question, how again,how does, how, has it changed
me?
I hold those babies so muchmore tighter.
I've always loved them, we'vealways had a relationship.
But we, me and my sister Shaunawe make sure to stand in the
gap, to stand in the paint, tohold locked arms with those kids
to let them know that they areloved and supported and we don't
(10:57):
drop the ball in any area oftheir lives.
We are there, lock, stock andbarrel, holding it down.
So it has changed me in ways.
I will tell you gave me a littlebit of PTSD, if you want me to
be totally transparent, honestly, because I was in a store and I
heard a husband yell at hiswife in such a tone.
(11:17):
I jumped and looked and I justwanted to go and grab her and
hug her.
You know what I mean.
She laughed it off, but for meme I left feeling grieved.
You know what I mean because Ihad a lived experience and you
know my past.
You know the trauma that I'mstill going through.
My sister hasn't been gone ayear.
It'll be August 2nd would be ayear.
So we haven't, we're stillfresh.
(11:38):
You know, one of her childrenlive with me to live with my
other sister.
So we wake up daily reminded ofthe absence.
And then we have our mother.
That we have to, you know, holdup each side of her arms and
make sure she's okay.
So it has definitely changedthe way I view the world and, um
, it has made me my motto Irefuse to give the grave any of
(11:59):
my potential.
It made me realize that life isfleeting, it's short, so give
life everything you've got.
And that's what.
Since then, I've turned up thefire a little bit more with
going after my dreams, goals,passions, like literally nothing
can stop me and I push forwardin honor of my sister's legacy,
my children and her children, tomake sure that we leave.
Speaker 1 (12:20):
I leave something behind, to let them make sure
that they're okay yeah, and Ithank you so much for for you,
you know, telling that story andletting us know.
You know, okay, I wasn't thevictim, my sister was, but when
that happened, I became thevictim, I became the patient.
(12:40):
Right, I wasn't looking forwardto this.
Her children and, you know, herson, he, you know, for life
he's marred, yeah, been scarred,because he's gonna carry that
with him.
So when that incident happened,it made you impatient.
It made your nephew a patient,your whole family a patient, and
not just your family, but thecommunity that she belonged to?
(13:05):
yes, when this happened, becauseshe was a really good, a vital
part of the community she livedin.
So you know whether you're aman or a woman.
If you're going throughsomething that you think might
(13:27):
turn into a trauma like this,please say something you know.
See something, say something.
You never know right, butwhatever it is that you're going
through, don't continue to gothrough it thinking you're going
to change.
The he or she will change.
They won't hurt me.
They said they wouldn't hurt.
(13:48):
Don't, yeah, don't, don't.
Don't put yourself in thatsituation, because there's way
too many people that areinvolved with altercations such
as what happened with yoursister.
Speaker 2 (13:59):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (13:59):
My next question to you is this In what ways do you
think awareness about domesticviolence can be improved in this
society?
Speaker 2 (14:08):
In what ways do I think wellness about?
I'm sorry.
Speaker 1 (14:12):
What ways do you think awareness about domestic
violence can be improved in thissociety?
Speaker 2 (14:17):
Oh, awareness can be improved, oh, my goodness.
So one thing is Black.
I can speak from a blackexperience.
We need to talk about it more.
We don't talk about you know,we talk Jesus, he's good, he's
great, yes, but there are alsopeople who can provide
counseling for the things thatare unspoken.
(14:39):
So, the black community.
We can do a little bit more.
Making sure in our churcheshaving flyers and when we have
our bulletin board talking aboutthe next conference.
But we also can have a flyer onour bulletin board saying you
need help, here's a number.
You know what I mean.
So making sure that there'smore visuals for people to see
that there is help.
Sometimes, just one moment, onemoment can change someone's life
(15:01):
.
Walking out of that building ofthe church, you look and see
that flyer.
Oh my God, I can't go home andget beat.
Today.
They call that number.
So that's one way to improve isto use, you know, the areas
that we, as black Americans,frequent the most.
Make sure that they know thereare resources out there and help
take away the stigma of shameand also that stigma of teaching
(15:22):
.
Well, just stick with it.
I'm not advocating divorce, butwhat I'm saying is love doesn't
hurt, not in that capacity.
So changing some of ourlanguage is something that we
can correct.
When it comes to getting themessage out there for domestic
violence, changing the way wespeak about it, being more vocal
(15:43):
about it People who have wentthrough it speaking.
If you're able to talk about it, we're so used to like I can
say I can only speak about theblack community.
In it or in the past,everything is a hush trauma.
Just stay in our household.
What happens in our household,stay in our household.
And then that leads fromgenerational trauma.
And it goes on and on.
And so your niece got beat,your great niece got beat.
(16:04):
Your great, great, great niecegot beat.
Your great niece got beat.
Your great, great, great niecegot beat because they think
that's the norm.
That's not healthy and it's notnormal.
Speaker 1 (16:10):
You are not an animal .
Speaker 2 (16:11):
You are not a dog.
You are a human being whodeserves love and you don't have
to stay.
So that's another thingchanging you know the way we
communicate about it.
Speak up, say something in ourcommunities, at the.
I know a lot around Daytona.
There's a lot of knitting clubsand they have all different
activities where people go andwork out and they work out in
(16:32):
the park.
Just making sure there'sliterature out there.
You know what I mean Showing up, being present, those who are
advocates for it, just makingsure people are aware, because a
lot of times they feel aloneand sometimes you just need to
hear you're not alone.
So those are some ways rightthere to start.
Start in our own community,right here, right with our
neighbors and our friends, rightin our churches, right in our
(16:53):
gyms, right in our communityclubs.
Have literature and stuffavailable to let people know
you're not alone.
We can just start right thereand that'll make the biggest
impact because we'll learn toshh instead of speaking.
We need to break that.
Speaker 1 (17:09):
And that's so very, very true, and I'm sure it
happens in other communities.
Of course.
We're talking about themarginalized, underserved
communities who are alreadysuffering so much.
We're suffering and there'sways that we can be helped.
There's things that we shouldexpect or we could expect, and
(17:30):
there's things that we can doand that we should do.
Make sure that, no matter whatkind of patient you are, you're
getting help.
There's help that's out there,but we have to stop, you know,
keeping everything a secret.
Some secrets are made to betold.
As I write in my chapter in theanthology book that I'm in Now.
(17:51):
It doesn't cover trauma fromthis standpoint, but it's the
same across the board.
Some secrets are meant to betold.
They make them so that youcould tell them.
So if they're saying don't tell, don't tell, tell, I would tell
because there's something goingon.
So I would definitely tell andI would definitely say something
(18:12):
and once again, we are ourbrother and sisters yeah, we are
.
So if we see something, we needto say something.
If you're seeing something, youknow there's all kinds of signs
and stuff that you could putthat the victims could you know
mark on their bodies andeverything that will let someone
know okay, that person got thisblue sign or this green sign.
(18:36):
They must need some help.
Let me just go check or callsomeone.
If you don't feel comfortablecall someone and say, hey, I
think there's an incident goingon over here.
Can we get over here to check?
Yeah, but we have to saysomething, we have to provide,
we actually have to actuallycare.
Kindness is free.
(19:01):
It doesn't cost a thing to bekind.
So we have to be kind and wehave to speak up.
If we ask the person, they'relike yeah, I'm good.
I tell this all the time.
If you ask someone how they'redoing and they say I'm good, you
shouldn't be okay.
They said they good, you shouldbe.
Well, what does good mean?
Dig a little further.
Don't just let them say I'mgood or everything's great.
(19:23):
What that means, and listenempathetically.
Listen to their responses thatthey're giving you, because very
often those responses will tellyou signs of there's something
going on that needs to bechecked out.
You can actually pull them tothe side at that point and say,
hey, you know, I know you saidyou was good, but then you also
(19:44):
said, so one is it.
So just don't let them stop andsay, hey, I'm good, I'm great.
Make them tell you what that is.
Make them tell you what thatgood looks like or that great
looks like, so that you can pullwhat's really going on out of
them.
I see that Carolyn and goodmorning Carolyn and and good
(20:05):
morning myra.
And carolyn coleman is sayingthere are no boundaries to
domestic violence.
I I totally agree.
I mean, I'm not a victim ofdomestic violence, but I do know
people who have went throughdomestic violence situations,
both men and women, and thereare no boundaries yeah
absolutely it shouldn't occur.
(20:28):
I mean it really shouldn't.
If you get that mad or upsetwith somebody that you think
that what the solution is foryou bopping them upside their
head or stabbing them over andover repeatedly, you need help,
and you need to get help now,because you don't have the
authority no one's giving you anauthority to take this person
(20:48):
out of this world yeah, and theaftermath, the trail of tears
that it leaves, is justmonumental.
Speaker 2 (20:56):
They don't think about tomorrow, they just think
in the moment.
But that one moment shifts inso many lives, right?
Speaker 1 (21:02):
exactly and you know what, and so that's the victim
that's going through that, butthe person that's actually doing
it, their family, is just asimpacted as the person you did
it to.
Speaker 2 (21:15):
Oh, absolutely I can tell you that right now, the
family of the abuser of mysister they are just beside
themselves, you know, and italso we don to be transparent it
caused some, um,uncomfortableness because now
for families who were bonded foryears now trying to figure out
what, what is our place now?
(21:36):
How do we interact?
You know, I'm saying walking oneggshells because they still
love us, but they know thatsomeone that they love has
caused an offense, so they don'tthink about how all the ripple
effect I mean it's like atsunami.
You see the wave coming andthen how many hotels and people
it knocked down.
You don't know how big and howwide the tidal wave is.
(21:58):
But, yeah, that one decisioncreated such a nightmare, just
to be honest and just trying toestablish boundaries with people
, um, it just made things souncomfortable when it didn't
need to be.
Speaker 1 (22:15):
So you know yeah, and Carolyn, I agree.
You said that's not love andyou're both and you.
I'll be wrote down.
You both have to heal.
It takes time to heal oh yeahincidents like this happen,
where you can't bring the personback, that time to heal is
forever.
Oh, yeah, right, you can'tbring them back.
(22:36):
I mean it's different if youknow the person is still living
and yeah, you're hurt and youknow you get through it day by
day and you know you pump, youknow you encourage them and
empower them to feel better.
But sincerely, if they're gone,your healing process is a
lifetime oh yeah in a daybecause it always remains with
(23:00):
you.
Now, speaking of that, I want to.
I want you to tell us whatsupport systems and coping
strategies have you foundhelpful since the loss.
But before we get into thecoping systems and the strategy,
I do know at one point in timeyour family was working on a
nonprofit to help victims.
How is that all going?
Speaker 2 (23:22):
It's actually going pretty good.
We paused for a minute becausemy mother I say everybody is
hurting, but my mother carriedmy sister and that's the one
we're trying to hold up.
She has had some moments andsome days where just being hurt,
to be just hurt, every breathshe took hurt, you know.
(23:46):
So sometimes reliving it wastoo much and so, as we were get
trying to get things together,if she needed a pause, we took
the pause because we want tocare for her in her latter years
and, you know, support her tothe best of our ability.
So if she needed a pause wewill fall back to allow her to.
Okay, now, now I got strengthagain, so we're the ball is back
(24:06):
rolling.
With that.
We got the 800 number up, um,working on the the what's the
501c.
So we in the background, we'reworking, but we we have to just
support our mom through theefforts that.
Speaker 1 (24:19):
So yeah, that at a time that's right hey at a time.
Speaker 2 (24:25):
That's right, that's.
Speaker 1 (24:26):
When you are completely and, like you said,
it's a fresh wound.
It hasn't even been in here yet.
Who's to say how things aregoing to look as we get closer
to August?
The whole family might justbreak down.
You have that right to do that.
You have that right to say youknow what?
We're not doing anything.
(24:48):
We let's get past this humpthat's right, and we can
continue to pick it back upagain.
It's not a rush for it oh,absolutely, absolutely because
look, sadly, the issue ofdomestic violence and the
domestic abuse.
Sadly it's not going to stopyeah it, it's not isolated Right
, so there's going to always bepeople that need the help that
(25:10):
your nonprofit is set up to do.
Speaker 2 (25:12):
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (25:13):
Right, so I'll go back and ask you again what
support systems and copingstrategies have you found
helpful since the loss?
Speaker 2 (25:25):
Well, the main thing is togetherness.
We didn't allow the grief thatyou sit in the corner over here.
You sit in the corner, no, no,no, no, no.
We get together, like Mother'sDay.
I can say Mother's Day is myniece and the nephew First
Mother's Day, my mother and mysister, first time without my
sister.
For Mother's Day we went on alittle dinner cruise with all
(25:45):
the kids, with my mom, and wecelebrated and not a tear was
shed for the first time in along time.
So, just being together, makingsure the kids are around their
cousins, still with theirgrandma, not isolating and
separating.
Okay, you two are here, you twoare no, making sure that we'll
still have togetherness.
Um, that's one of the copingmechanisms.
We just maintaining our familyunit, but also counseling.
(26:09):
Every last one of us are incounseling.
Okay, we go to the therapist.
Snot cry, big yell, screamwhatever needs to be done to get
it out and to and to be able togo on about your day-to-day,
because here's a harsh realityabout loss, or you know, people
don't think about just becausesome people, somebody passes
away your bills.
Don't stop coming, don't stop.
(26:31):
You still have obligations youhave to meet.
You still have children thathave to go to school.
You still have homework.
You have to wipe your eyeswhile you're doing that paper
and keep helping them with thatmath.
You see what I'm saying.
So life continues to roll asyou're grieving.
It doesn't stop.
Oh oh, elena's hurting.
Wait, no earth is stillspinning right.
(26:51):
We're still going.
Still the same 24 hours in theday.
However, we wanted to make apoint to not drag ourselves down
so low, but we just couldn'tfunction.
So all of us are in therapy.
That is the the healthiestthing that we could have ever
done.
To have an unbiased person whodidn't know her, because we can
talk to anybody in the communityand just want to share and
(27:11):
they're going to cry harder thanwe are because she was so loved
and supported.
You know what I mean.
Now they cry, we cry, theneighbor cry.
Oh, y'all talking about long.
Oh, somebody else cryingbecause she has such a beautiful
aura and spirit.
But being able to talk to anunbiased person who didn't know
her they just hear what we sayabout her and able to unload and
talk and get some sound adviceand a good sounding board where
(27:33):
we can just truly let it outwith somebody trying to over
talk you and tell you abouttheir experience.
Sometimes, no disrespect, weappreciate the love we get, but
sometimes I I don't want to hearyour story.
I just need to get it out in amoment, so that therapy is the
same place where we can justdump and, you know, be okay.
So those are the copingmechanism.
We stay together and then we gotalk to the man at the young
(27:53):
people, we go talk to the man onthe couch over the computer.
We go talk to the man and getit out and just learn how to
adapt to the new, our new worldwithout her, it's a strange
place without her, but it's thereality of our current place.
Speaker 1 (28:08):
Yeah, and you know and thank you for bringing that
up and this is a reminder toeveryone.
Sometimes, when people aregoing through things, they don't
need for you to input whathappened to you into that
conversation.
They just need you toempathetically hear what they're
saying.
(28:29):
Hearing and listening are twodifferent things.
When you're hearing something,you're hearing it and you're
able to grasp it, but whenyou're listening, it's like
you're in listen mode so thatyou can respond, and sometimes
people don't need you to respond.
Sometimes they just need you tohear what it is they're saying.
Let them get it out.
If you want to add to theconversation, come back a day or
(28:51):
two later and then say, hey,you know you're ready to talk
about what.
You know what you were talkingabout the other day.
But when it initially happensand I know that people are
trying to help, right, yeah,they're just trying to help
because they love the personjust as much as you did and they
think, well, let me just letthem know that they're not in
this by themselves.
But sometimes we have to walkthat path by ourselves and you
(29:15):
know you interjecting in themiddle of everything, it makes
it worse, because then theperson is still guess what?
They still had that baggagethat they were trying to let you
, you know be a part of.
They're still holding on to itbecause you interjected right in
the middle of what they weresaying and the conversation got
(29:36):
lost, so that when they leaveyou they're still holding on to
baggage that they shouldn't beholding on to.
So thank you so much forbringing that information up Now
.
I know you do like I said.
You do so many things.
And as I see you doing thesethings.
So we're going to get to thegood stuff, which we've already
been talking about the goodstuff, but we're going to get to
(29:58):
the good stuff of after thepain, after the therapy, or
during the therapy.
I got to make it up in my mindwhat am I going to do so that my
sister's memory, her legacy,will always live on, memory, her
legacy will always live on?
(30:19):
So let's talk about one thefact that you are an
international bestselling authorand you haven't let what's
occurred with your sister.
You haven't let that stop you.
And after she passed away, youwere like, okay, well, that's it
, I'm not writing anymore, I'mputting that book up, I'm
putting my thoughts up inreference to that.
You kept writing.
So could you tell us a littlebit and I know a little bit
(30:42):
about the backstory that yoursister wouldn't have wanted you
to stop.
She's like uh-uh, you betterkeep going yeah you tell.
Just say a little bit about whatyour thought process is, as
you're continuing to write andshe's continuing to be on the
top of your thoughts of course.
Speaker 2 (31:00):
So my sister, like I said, she's loved me from day
one.
My sister has been good to mefrom the womb.
She's six years, my senior andI don't have a bad memory of her
, as a you you know, being mybig sister, ever trying to fight
on me or pinch on me.
She always took good, good,good, good, good care of me,
even until my adulthood she wasmy biggest supporter.
(31:20):
You hear what I say Every bookI wrote, if I post a Facebook
post, if there's a misspellingor a comma, she'll say, hey, fix
that word, like my sister wason me about everything.
I want you to represent yourselfin the best light.
Fix this, fix that.
Where's your book?
You procrastinating?
You told me it's going to dothis by Thursday, didn't you say
you was going here?
You have an acting gig tomorrow, right?
(31:48):
She will be reminding me ofthings that I mean.
She just she had me straight,she loved.
She's not a jealous bone in herbody.
She saw me beginning to exceland with my speaking and
starting to act, and she was ontop of every move I made, and me
and my mom and my sister Shaunawe thought it was so funny
because her the drill startedbecause she didn't play by her
baby sister, and so I mean shedidn't let not one thing fall to
(32:09):
the ground.
She would text me at 12 o'clock.
Get that of facebook.
I don't like that.
That doesn't represent you.
Get that like no nonsense.
She was all about making surethat I represented myself and,
um, when she passed away, I justmissed her.
So I stopped speaking for awhile because the children were
(32:30):
with me for a bit and you know,one day I went from just my
children to you know, ourchildren moved in from there
until we had to get thingssorted out, and so I needed to
take a moment and focus on whatwas important at the moment
making sure those babieswell-being was, you know, in
good hand and make sure auntiewas okay and, you know, just
making sure we were good.
So I kind of slowed down on thespeaking while getting getting
(32:52):
our bearings right and then,once things started getting to
somewhat normalcy, I was likeElena, if my sister were here
right now, she'd be like so youdon't have engagements, you're
not doing nothing.
Like wait a minute, why are younot auditioning what's
happening?
What are you doing?
She wouldn't even be supportingthis.
She would be like get going.
So I know she is up thererooting for me with a cloud of
(33:14):
witnesses right now, even themore ruining her baby sister on.
So there is no way I can lether love and support for me fall
to the ground.
Um, we have a necklace, all ofus with a heart, and we have her
ashes in it and oftentimes,sometimes on set, they tell me
you know I can't have it out, soI tuck it in, I put it in
pocket, but I have her on setwith me all the time, you know,
(33:37):
to remind myself Elena, tightenup.
Yeah, you sleepy, but wake up.
You're on set, be professional,get it together.
Landa's in your pocket, justlike she's in my ear.
She can never.
Her love and her pushing me.
It never falls to the ground.
So there is no way I can stop.
It's an impossibility.
I stop when I die.
(33:57):
I still have breath.
So that lets you know I'm stillgoing.
So, as you continue to see meon Facebook, you're going to
continue to see Opportunity toSpeak and continue to see me
acting.
Continue to see me opening upmy shops.
Continue to see my album comingsoon.
I'm not playing with this thingcalled life.
Speaker 1 (34:19):
It's a gift.
I would not get the grave in ifmy potential refused to do it.
And in her honor, and you knowwhat, and you what you get.
Like you said, you got yoursister.
Your oldest sister isencouraging you even more and
saying don't stop.
And I would love to know whenthat album comes out, because
you have such a beautiful voiceand I can only imagine it
becoming even more profound inthe singing and in everything
(34:40):
that you do, because, like yousaid, you got Londa with you.
She's like uh-uh, boo, we ain'tstopping here.
Uh-uh, keep it going right.
And through that pain cameencouragement to to keep going,
to remember me always.
And as you're remembering me,remember me in the good times
and the bad, but take those badtimes and smish them into the
(35:03):
good times and use those goodtimes as stepping stones to keep
you going to where you're going, yes, and I know you just
mentioned that you also have ashop, so can you tell us a
little bit more about the shopand what's on, what's in this
shop?
Speaker 2 (35:17):
absolutely.
Um, actually, uh, I'll have twoshops coming soon.
It's elena maria 360 shop.
It's just a hodgepodge ofshirts, candles, socks, bags,
suitcases, just a one-stop shopfor you to get all your you know
, the sundries and needs.
There'll be some skincare stuffin there as well.
And there's also Elena Maria360 Beauty and that brand, that
(35:38):
shop, would be specifically formakeup and eyeliner, eye kits,
makeup, skin totally 100%focused on beauty.
My brand in itself is ElenaMaria 360 LLC.
I chose that because Elenaia360 meaning all of me, right, so
right.
My brands represent all of methe singing, the acting, the
(36:01):
writing, the speaking, themobile.
You know the beauty of, youknow beauty mogul that you know
with my shop.
So everything back to what Isaid earlier.
I refuse to give the grave anyof my potential.
God gave me gifts.
Why would I not use them?
You know, enough is enough,yeah.
Speaker 1 (36:19):
And I actually do agree with what you just said
and I want to.
You know, everyone asks, noteveryone.
Some people have asked, somepeople have said, sandra, well,
if this is about the patientexperience, why are you talking
about businesses that people aredoing?
And that's because this reason,I myself am a patient and when
(36:40):
I got the diagnosis obviously Idid.
I refuse to say this is it.
I looked at the hourglass andinstead of looking at the
hourglass as half empty, Ilooked at it as full right and I
flipped it.
And because I flipped it,that's why I keep going and
encouraging other people whenthey get a diagnosis, whether
(37:02):
it's them or whether it'ssomeone in their family or
whether it's somebody in thecommunity that they're close to
gets a diagnosis of somethingthat they're dealing with.
What I encourage them to do isto keep going.
Don't like Elena Marie just said.
She refused to give the graveher talent.
She ain't taking them with herright.
(37:24):
We have to use them while we'reout here.
We just have to use them whilewe're out here doing what we
need to do.
If you're a patient and you geta diagnosis, or a loved one of a
patient, you get a diagnosis.
Encourage them.
Hey, you know what, whileyou're sitting around feeling
sorry for yourself, what is itin life you like to do?
Why don't we look into how wecan get it done, versus not
(37:47):
doing anything at all, otherthan waiting for life to say
that's it the end, um, andputting a period on things that
you want to do and you want tohave done?
Elena maria, I so appreciateyou coming on today.
Tell your loving mother I saidhello.
I listen to her as often as Ican on her facebook live.
She probably is like I don'tknow who this is.
(38:08):
I'll be sneaking in when she'son.
I'll be sneaking in, trying tolisten to her as much as I
possibly can.
I give her all the blessings,peace and blessings as she
continues to go.
Please continue to keep herlifted up, right, you got to
give, but mama's down.
(38:30):
I'll be there, but I got totake care of mama first, because
family is first, right, socontinue to do that so that she
can continue to be that strongwoman, that strong matriarch
that she is.
Yes, so that, with that beingsaid, I'm going to, we're going
to go ahead and end today'ssession and what I will say is
(38:50):
what I always say always be kind.
It costs you nothing at all tobe kind to someone.
You never know what kind of daythey're having.
You being kind makes it betterfor them.
So please be kind, add kindnessto your vocabulary and don't
just add it to your vocabularyas a noun.
(39:11):
Make being kind a verb, anaction verb at that.
Thanks, alana Marie.
I certainly appreciate you.
Thank you have a good day youtoo, thank you.
Thank you very much.
Well, hello everyone, goodMonday.
Well, we're doing this.
It's Monday morning, so helloeveryone Monday morning.
If you're not in the morningbut you're in the afternoon,
good afternoon.
I don't think we're on withanyone that is in the evening,
(00:48):
although if we're doinginternational, which we are,
there may be some people thatare in nighttime for them, so to
them I say good evening.
Thank you so much once againfor joining in speaking with
Sandra L.
What we do is we bring thepatient's experience to the
(01:08):
forefront.
We let patients explain whatthey're looking for in the
doctor, the challenges that theyfaced when they went to a
doctor's office, or not even adoctor, but any clinician's
office.
What kind of care did theyreceive?
And then we also make sure thatwe highlight those providers
(01:29):
that are doing their utmost bestthat they can do to make sure
that each patient they touch,irregardless as to what their
color is, irregardless as towhat their gender is and also
irregardless as to what theirsocioeconomic factors are, that
they treat us all the same.
And so often our voice getslost in a shuffle or we're
(01:52):
begging.
Please have us at the tablewhen you're talking about us and
it doesn't happen, or it rarelyhappens.
Well, with the podcast, whatwe're hoping to do is to ensure
that it always happens and thatwhen providers hear us speak and
they have something that theywant us to share with us on, you
know what they're looking forin their patients.
(02:14):
Then they can come on as welland say well, you know what we
look for our patients is, butwhat we get is so that we, as a
foundation, can start speakingto both parts.
So today I have a very specialguest.
She does it all, so I'm goingto let her tell you what she
(02:35):
does.
So throughout our conversationshe will be touching upon what
she does.
But it's important to know thatwhat she does as a patient has
something to do, a little bit todo, and probably right now has
more than just a little bit todo, or why she excels at those
(02:57):
things that she does.
Because, as I often tell people, the patient is very often not
the patient.
The patient is that patient'sfamily, that patient's community
, and even sometimes thatpatient's doctor is a part of
that patient's network.
And so today, alana Maria isgoing to tell us a little bit
(03:21):
about what occurred to cause herto be in the patient experience
group that she's currently in.
So, without further ado, I'mgoing to go ahead and get
started with the questions fortoday that I have planned just
for her and I'm hoping she'llshare, and, if you have a
comment, please do put thosecomments in the chat so that we
(03:44):
can take a look at them and wecan address them.
I do want to make thisdisclaimer what you're about the
information that you're aboutto hear is, in fact, factual.
However, we are not doctors.
We don't say that we're doctors, but what we can do is get you
the help that you need to getfrom a doctor so that you don't
(04:07):
fall victim to what we'rediscussing here, and this
happens to both men and women.
So, with that being said, I'mgoing to go ahead and ask you
can you describe your initialreaction when you received that
phone call telling you whatoccurred?
Speaker 2 (04:24):
Oh, my initial reaction was shock, disbelief,
sadness.
I was lost.
I can't give enough adjectivesto describe what I felt, but I
felt a little bit of everything.
I didn't know if I wanted tohit the ground.
I didn't know if I wanted tojump up and down, I didn't know
if I wanted to turn around.
I didn't know what to dobecause when I got the phone
(04:46):
call about the incident thatwe're talking about, my sister,
yolanda Williams, who wasunfortunately brutally murdered
by her husband of many years, ofmy gifts, and I was on set and
we just was taking a break, andI got that phone call from my
(05:07):
nephew and I just was soconfused and just almost out of
my mind.
I was three and a half hoursaway actually, so I had to drive
home by myself.
Honestly, I don't know how Imade it home.
I was on autopilot, my foot wasmashed to the floor, floor,
speeding down the interstate,trying to get from Miami back to
Daytona, to get to my family,to get to my mom, my sister, my
(05:29):
sisters, my other sister, shana,and my sister who passed away
her children, and everyone thatI love.
So I was just focused ongetting there, getting to them,
but I declare I felt like I wason a jet plane, because one
minute I was in Miami, the nextminute I was pulling up with my
family trying to piece togethereverything.
And when I saw again everythingthat I love sitting in a room
together crying, it made it evenmore real.
(05:52):
You know, it's one thing to hearsomething, but then when you
pull up you see all the cards.
It's not for a cookout or acrowd war that we normally do.
You know, it's nothing unusualfor a pile of us to be together.
Unusual for a pile of us to betogether, but this time for
something that was sounperceivable and just
unnecessary and justgut-wrenching.
So I felt everything andnothing at all, all at the same
(06:13):
time now I do want to say this,and you said it, you know.
Speaker 1 (06:17):
You said I don't know how I did it, and I tell people
when they say things happen andthey're like, excuse me,
they're like sandra, I don'tknow how I did it, but god and
always remember, but god, yeah,whatever your spirituality is,
remember that that's whoactually carried you through it
like that, because, like yousaid, you was three and a half
(06:39):
hours away, you know, and Iremember it was a point in time
when I was very, very sick, andmy family, because I'm in
Chicago, my family's on the EastCoast.
It was my sister.
My nephew said Aunt Sandy, Ithink she must have been driving
(07:01):
about 90 miles an hour to getto you.
And you know, know, the copsstopped her and she just said
just give me the ticket.
I'm going to take my sister,just give me the ticket, right.
So I can just about imagine youdoing the same thing, like give
me the ticket.
I ain't even going to argue withyou, just give me the ticket,
I'll pay it and keep going rightthings like that happen, but
(07:22):
I'm glad to say and I'm glad tosee that you safely yeah you are
going right, and the onlyperson that could have gotten
you there is god oh yeah overyou this whole time.
It's god, you know, leading godand you, and yes, there, you
know, sometimes in our life wehit patches where they're not
(07:45):
the patches that we want to hityeah right, but god gives us.
So thank you so much for thatand I'm glad to see, and I'm
glad to know that you wereactually able to get home safely
, amen.
How has this experienceimpacted your view on domestic
violence?
Speaker 2 (08:02):
and how it impacts families oh, my goodness.
So it's one thing to livevicariously through another
person.
Right, you can be like, oh, Isympathize.
But in my case now, I cansympathize and empathize because
I've had to live through it andit is not a good feeling.
Um, it's just just thinkingback on what you could have done
(08:25):
.
How could I have fixed it, howcould I have helped, how could I
have made it better?
So what it has changed as faras my outlook on domestic
violence has caused me to be avoice.
At this point I am increasingone of my other giftings that I
speak, I'm a speaker, and I wantto share the message far and
wide, along with my mother,annette L Anderson, speaking
(08:47):
about and providing resourcesand encouraging people who are
in those situations.
You know, to realize thatdoesn't have to be the end of
the story.
You know there is help outthere and a lot of people are
afraid because their partnerthreatens them I'll kill you,
your family, whatever the casemay be, or they may feel
hopeless, or they don't have themoney to go, or the means or
the family, or they just don'tfeel strong enough.
(09:08):
Um, so that makes me want to,um, you know, be a voice and an
advocate for those who are goingthrough that situation.
A lot of time people thinkabout, oh, the kids, but the
extended family.
You know, my sister's been mysister, that's my older sister,
since the day I came into theworld.
She's loved me, you know.
So her absence is just, it'sjust sickening, sometimes when I
(09:28):
want to pick up the phone, orsometimes it's absent-minded.
Let me call it.
We called her Linda, let mecall Linda, but she's not going
to answer.
You know what I mean.
And so those, those emotionsthat you go through and they'll
be this, this will be a lifelongjourney for me.
I'll never get over my sister'sdeath.
I'm going to tell you thatright now.
Um, I learned to live throughit and live with the facts,
(09:51):
because a part of life is, thebible says the time to live in,
the time to die.
It's a part of the journey.
Um, so death hurts either way.
Whether someone has cancer or,you know, a car, whatever the
situation is, it hurts to losesomeone.
I don't care if they're 99, ahundred years old.
That hurts because you lovethem.
But when it's attached to trauma, it adds that extra layer of
(10:13):
why.
You know that hopelessness, allthese questions you ask God,
why me, why her, why us, why thechildren?
The terrible act he did infront of my nephew, you know
what I mean and he's only 14years old.
So there's another layer oftrauma.
You know what I mean.
All the kids are hurting, butthis baby actually saw his
mother on the ground.
You know what I mean.
And he has to wake up every dayreliving those horrible,
(10:37):
horrible, horrible traumas.
But to your question, how again,how does, how, has it changed
me?
I hold those babies so muchmore tighter.
I've always loved them, we'vealways had a relationship.
But we, me and my sister Shaunawe make sure to stand in the
gap, to stand in the paint, tohold locked arms with those kids
to let them know that they areloved and supported and we don't
(10:57):
drop the ball in any area oftheir lives.
We are there, lock, stock andbarrel, holding it down.
So it has changed me in ways.
I will tell you gave me a littlebit of PTSD, if you want me to
be totally transparent, honestly, because I was in a store and I
heard a husband yell at hiswife in such a tone.
(11:17):
I jumped and looked and I justwanted to go and grab her and
hug her.
You know what I mean.
She laughed it off, but for meme I left feeling grieved.
You know what I mean because Ihad a lived experience and you
know my past.
You know the trauma that I'mstill going through.
My sister hasn't been gone ayear.
It'll be August 2nd would be ayear.
So we haven't, we're stillfresh.
(11:38):
You know, one of her childrenlive with me to live with my
other sister.
So we wake up daily reminded ofthe absence.
And then we have our mother.
That we have to, you know, holdup each side of her arms and
make sure she's okay.
So it has definitely changedthe way I view the world and, um
, it has made me my motto Irefuse to give the grave any of
(11:59):
my potential.
It made me realize that life isfleeting, it's short, so give
life everything you've got.
And that's what.
Since then, I've turned up thefire a little bit more with
going after my dreams, goals,passions, like literally nothing
can stop me and I push forwardin honor of my sister's legacy,
my children and her children, tomake sure that we leave.
Speaker 1 (12:20):
I leave something behind, to let them make sure
that they're okay yeah, and Ithank you so much for for you,
you know, telling that story andletting us know.
You know, okay, I wasn't thevictim, my sister was, but when
that happened, I became thevictim, I became the patient.
(12:40):
Right, I wasn't looking forwardto this.
Her children and, you know, herson, he, you know, for life
he's marred, yeah, been scarred,because he's gonna carry that
with him.
So when that incident happened,it made you impatient.
It made your nephew a patient,your whole family a patient, and
not just your family, but thecommunity that she belonged to?
(13:05):
yes, when this happened, becauseshe was a really good, a vital
part of the community she livedin.
So you know whether you're aman or a woman.
If you're going throughsomething that you think might
(13:27):
turn into a trauma like this,please say something you know.
See something, say something.
You never know right, butwhatever it is that you're going
through, don't continue to gothrough it thinking you're going
to change.
The he or she will change.
They won't hurt me.
They said they wouldn't hurt.
(13:48):
Don't, yeah, don't, don't.
Don't put yourself in thatsituation, because there's way
too many people that areinvolved with altercations such
as what happened with yoursister.
Speaker 2 (13:59):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (13:59):
My next question to you is this In what ways do you
think awareness about domesticviolence can be improved in this
society?
Speaker 2 (14:08):
In what ways do I think wellness about?
I'm sorry.
Speaker 1 (14:12):
What ways do you think awareness about domestic
violence can be improved in thissociety?
Speaker 2 (14:17):
Oh, awareness can be improved, oh, my goodness.
So one thing is Black.
I can speak from a blackexperience.
We need to talk about it more.
We don't talk about you know,we talk Jesus, he's good, he's
great, yes, but there are alsopeople who can provide
counseling for the things thatare unspoken.
(14:39):
So, the black community.
We can do a little bit more.
Making sure in our churcheshaving flyers and when we have
our bulletin board talking aboutthe next conference.
But we also can have a flyer onour bulletin board saying you
need help, here's a number.
You know what I mean.
So making sure that there'smore visuals for people to see
that there is help.
Sometimes, just one moment, onemoment can change someone's life
(15:01):
.
Walking out of that building ofthe church, you look and see
that flyer.
Oh my God, I can't go home andget beat.
Today.
They call that number.
So that's one way to improve isto use, you know, the areas
that we, as black Americans,frequent the most.
Make sure that they know thereare resources out there and help
take away the stigma of shameand also that stigma of teaching
(15:22):
.
Well, just stick with it.
I'm not advocating divorce, butwhat I'm saying is love doesn't
hurt, not in that capacity.
So changing some of ourlanguage is something that we
can correct.
When it comes to getting themessage out there for domestic
violence, changing the way wespeak about it, being more vocal
(15:43):
about it People who have wentthrough it speaking.
If you're able to talk about it, we're so used to like I can
say I can only speak about theblack community.
In it or in the past,everything is a hush trauma.
Just stay in our household.
What happens in our household,stay in our household.
And then that leads fromgenerational trauma.
And it goes on and on.
And so your niece got beat,your great niece got beat.
(16:04):
Your great, great, great niecegot beat.
Your great niece got beat.
Your great, great, great niecegot beat because they think
that's the norm.
That's not healthy and it's notnormal.
Speaker 1 (16:10):
You are not an animal .
Speaker 2 (16:11):
You are not a dog.
You are a human being whodeserves love and you don't have
to stay.
So that's another thingchanging you know the way we
communicate about it.
Speak up, say something in ourcommunities, at the.
I know a lot around Daytona.
There's a lot of knitting clubsand they have all different
activities where people go andwork out and they work out in
(16:32):
the park.
Just making sure there'sliterature out there.
You know what I mean Showing up, being present, those who are
advocates for it, just makingsure people are aware, because a
lot of times they feel aloneand sometimes you just need to
hear you're not alone.
So those are some ways rightthere to start.
Start in our own community,right here, right with our
neighbors and our friends, rightin our churches, right in our
(16:53):
gyms, right in our communityclubs.
Have literature and stuffavailable to let people know
you're not alone.
We can just start right thereand that'll make the biggest
impact because we'll learn toshh instead of speaking.
We need to break that.
Speaker 1 (17:09):
And that's so very, very true, and I'm sure it
happens in other communities.
Of course.
We're talking about themarginalized, underserved
communities who are alreadysuffering so much.
We're suffering and there'sways that we can be helped.
There's things that we shouldexpect or we could expect, and
(17:30):
there's things that we can doand that we should do.
Make sure that, no matter whatkind of patient you are, you're
getting help.
There's help that's out there,but we have to stop, you know,
keeping everything a secret.
Some secrets are made to betold.
As I write in my chapter in theanthology book that I'm in Now.
(17:51):
It doesn't cover trauma fromthis standpoint, but it's the
same across the board.
Some secrets are meant to betold.
They make them so that youcould tell them.
So if they're saying don't tell, don't tell, tell, I would tell
because there's something goingon.
So I would definitely tell andI would definitely say something
(18:12):
and once again, we are ourbrother and sisters yeah, we are
.
So if we see something, we needto say something.
If you're seeing something, youknow there's all kinds of signs
and stuff that you could putthat the victims could you know
mark on their bodies andeverything that will let someone
know okay, that person got thisblue sign or this green sign.
(18:36):
They must need some help.
Let me just go check or callsomeone.
If you don't feel comfortablecall someone and say, hey, I
think there's an incident goingon over here.
Can we get over here to check?
Yeah, but we have to saysomething, we have to provide,
we actually have to actuallycare.
Kindness is free.
(19:01):
It doesn't cost a thing to bekind.
So we have to be kind and wehave to speak up.
If we ask the person, they'relike yeah, I'm good.
I tell this all the time.
If you ask someone how they'redoing and they say I'm good, you
shouldn't be okay.
They said they good, you shouldbe.
Well, what does good mean?
Dig a little further.
Don't just let them say I'mgood or everything's great.
(19:23):
What that means, and listenempathetically.
Listen to their responses thatthey're giving you, because very
often those responses will tellyou signs of there's something
going on that needs to bechecked out.
You can actually pull them tothe side at that point and say,
hey, you know, I know you saidyou was good, but then you also
(19:44):
said, so one is it.
So just don't let them stop andsay, hey, I'm good, I'm great.
Make them tell you what that is.
Make them tell you what thatgood looks like or that great
looks like, so that you can pullwhat's really going on out of
them.
I see that Carolyn and goodmorning Carolyn and and good
(20:05):
morning myra.
And carolyn coleman is sayingthere are no boundaries to
domestic violence.
I I totally agree.
I mean, I'm not a victim ofdomestic violence, but I do know
people who have went throughdomestic violence situations,
both men and women, and thereare no boundaries yeah
absolutely it shouldn't occur.
(20:28):
I mean it really shouldn't.
If you get that mad or upsetwith somebody that you think
that what the solution is foryou bopping them upside their
head or stabbing them over andover repeatedly, you need help,
and you need to get help now,because you don't have the
authority no one's giving you anauthority to take this person
(20:48):
out of this world yeah, and theaftermath, the trail of tears
that it leaves, is justmonumental.
Speaker 2 (20:56):
They don't think about tomorrow, they just think
in the moment.
But that one moment shifts inso many lives, right?
Speaker 1 (21:02):
exactly and you know what, and so that's the victim
that's going through that, butthe person that's actually doing
it, their family, is just asimpacted as the person you did
it to.
Speaker 2 (21:15):
Oh, absolutely I can tell you that right now, the
family of the abuser of mysister they are just beside
themselves, you know, and italso we don to be transparent it
caused some, um,uncomfortableness because now
for families who were bonded foryears now trying to figure out
what, what is our place now?
(21:36):
How do we interact?
You know, I'm saying walking oneggshells because they still
love us, but they know thatsomeone that they love has
caused an offense, so they don'tthink about how all the ripple
effect I mean it's like atsunami.
You see the wave coming andthen how many hotels and people
it knocked down.
You don't know how big and howwide the tidal wave is.
(21:58):
But, yeah, that one decisioncreated such a nightmare, just
to be honest and just trying toestablish boundaries with people
, um, it just made things souncomfortable when it didn't
need to be.
Speaker 1 (22:15):
So you know yeah, and Carolyn, I agree.
You said that's not love andyou're both and you.
I'll be wrote down.
You both have to heal.
It takes time to heal oh yeahincidents like this happen,
where you can't bring the personback, that time to heal is
forever.
Oh, yeah, right, you can'tbring them back.
(22:36):
I mean it's different if youknow the person is still living
and yeah, you're hurt and youknow you get through it day by
day and you know you pump, youknow you encourage them and
empower them to feel better.
But sincerely, if they're gone,your healing process is a
lifetime oh yeah in a daybecause it always remains with
(23:00):
you.
Now, speaking of that, I want to.
I want you to tell us whatsupport systems and coping
strategies have you foundhelpful since the loss.
But before we get into thecoping systems and the strategy,
I do know at one point in timeyour family was working on a
nonprofit to help victims.
How is that all going?
Speaker 2 (23:22):
It's actually going pretty good.
We paused for a minute becausemy mother I say everybody is
hurting, but my mother carriedmy sister and that's the one
we're trying to hold up.
She has had some moments andsome days where just being hurt,
to be just hurt, every breathshe took hurt, you know.
(23:46):
So sometimes reliving it wastoo much and so, as we were get
trying to get things together,if she needed a pause, we took
the pause because we want tocare for her in her latter years
and, you know, support her tothe best of our ability.
So if she needed a pause wewill fall back to allow her to.
Okay, now, now I got strengthagain, so we're the ball is back
(24:06):
rolling.
With that.
We got the 800 number up, um,working on the the what's the
501c.
So we in the background, we'reworking, but we we have to just
support our mom through theefforts that.
Speaker 1 (24:19):
So yeah, that at a time that's right hey at a time.
Speaker 2 (24:25):
That's right, that's.
Speaker 1 (24:26):
When you are completely and, like you said,
it's a fresh wound.
It hasn't even been in here yet.
Who's to say how things aregoing to look as we get closer
to August?
The whole family might justbreak down.
You have that right to do that.
You have that right to say youknow what?
We're not doing anything.
(24:48):
We let's get past this humpthat's right, and we can
continue to pick it back upagain.
It's not a rush for it oh,absolutely, absolutely because
look, sadly, the issue ofdomestic violence and the
domestic abuse.
Sadly it's not going to stopyeah it, it's not isolated Right
, so there's going to always bepeople that need the help that
(25:10):
your nonprofit is set up to do.
Speaker 2 (25:12):
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (25:13):
Right, so I'll go back and ask you again what
support systems and copingstrategies have you found
helpful since the loss?
Speaker 2 (25:25):
Well, the main thing is togetherness.
We didn't allow the grief thatyou sit in the corner over here.
You sit in the corner, no, no,no, no, no.
We get together, like Mother'sDay.
I can say Mother's Day is myniece and the nephew First
Mother's Day, my mother and mysister, first time without my
sister.
For Mother's Day we went on alittle dinner cruise with all
(25:45):
the kids, with my mom, and wecelebrated and not a tear was
shed for the first time in along time.
So, just being together, makingsure the kids are around their
cousins, still with theirgrandma, not isolating and
separating.
Okay, you two are here, you twoare no, making sure that we'll
still have togetherness.
Um, that's one of the copingmechanisms.
We just maintaining our familyunit, but also counseling.
(26:09):
Every last one of us are incounseling.
Okay, we go to the therapist.
Snot cry, big yell, screamwhatever needs to be done to get
it out and to and to be able togo on about your day-to-day,
because here's a harsh realityabout loss, or you know, people
don't think about just becausesome people, somebody passes
away your bills.
Don't stop coming, don't stop.
(26:31):
You still have obligations youhave to meet.
You still have children thathave to go to school.
You still have homework.
You have to wipe your eyeswhile you're doing that paper
and keep helping them with thatmath.
You see what I'm saying.
So life continues to roll asyou're grieving.
It doesn't stop.
Oh oh, elena's hurting.
Wait, no earth is stillspinning right.
(26:51):
We're still going.
Still the same 24 hours in theday.
However, we wanted to make apoint to not drag ourselves down
so low, but we just couldn'tfunction.
So all of us are in therapy.
That is the the healthiestthing that we could have ever
done.
To have an unbiased person whodidn't know her, because we can
talk to anybody in the communityand just want to share and
(27:11):
they're going to cry harder thanwe are because she was so loved
and supported.
You know what I mean.
Now they cry, we cry, theneighbor cry.
Oh, y'all talking about long.
Oh, somebody else cryingbecause she has such a beautiful
aura and spirit.
But being able to talk to anunbiased person who didn't know
her they just hear what we sayabout her and able to unload and
talk and get some sound adviceand a good sounding board where
(27:33):
we can just truly let it outwith somebody trying to over
talk you and tell you abouttheir experience.
Sometimes, no disrespect, weappreciate the love we get, but
sometimes I I don't want to hearyour story.
I just need to get it out in amoment, so that therapy is the
same place where we can justdump and, you know, be okay.
So those are the copingmechanism.
We stay together and then we gotalk to the man at the young
(27:53):
people, we go talk to the man onthe couch over the computer.
We go talk to the man and getit out and just learn how to
adapt to the new, our new worldwithout her, it's a strange
place without her, but it's thereality of our current place.
Speaker 1 (28:08):
Yeah, and you know and thank you for bringing that
up and this is a reminder toeveryone.
Sometimes, when people aregoing through things, they don't
need for you to input whathappened to you into that
conversation.
They just need you toempathetically hear what they're
saying.
(28:29):
Hearing and listening are twodifferent things.
When you're hearing something,you're hearing it and you're
able to grasp it, but whenyou're listening, it's like
you're in listen mode so thatyou can respond, and sometimes
people don't need you to respond.
Sometimes they just need you tohear what it is they're saying.
Let them get it out.
If you want to add to theconversation, come back a day or
(28:51):
two later and then say, hey,you know you're ready to talk
about what.
You know what you were talkingabout the other day.
But when it initially happensand I know that people are
trying to help, right, yeah,they're just trying to help
because they love the personjust as much as you did and they
think, well, let me just letthem know that they're not in
this by themselves.
But sometimes we have to walkthat path by ourselves and you
(29:15):
know you interjecting in themiddle of everything, it makes
it worse, because then theperson is still guess what?
They still had that baggagethat they were trying to let you
, you know be a part of.
They're still holding on to itbecause you interjected right in
the middle of what they weresaying and the conversation got
(29:36):
lost, so that when they leaveyou they're still holding on to
baggage that they shouldn't beholding on to.
So thank you so much forbringing that information up Now
.
I know you do like I said.
You do so many things.
And as I see you doing thesethings.
So we're going to get to thegood stuff, which we've already
been talking about the goodstuff, but we're going to get to
(29:58):
the good stuff of after thepain, after the therapy, or
during the therapy.
I got to make it up in my mindwhat am I going to do so that my
sister's memory, her legacy,will always live on, memory, her
legacy will always live on?
(30:19):
So let's talk about one thefact that you are an
international bestselling authorand you haven't let what's
occurred with your sister.
You haven't let that stop you.
And after she passed away, youwere like, okay, well, that's it
, I'm not writing anymore, I'mputting that book up, I'm
putting my thoughts up inreference to that.
You kept writing.
So could you tell us a littlebit and I know a little bit
(30:42):
about the backstory that yoursister wouldn't have wanted you
to stop.
She's like uh-uh, you betterkeep going yeah you tell.
Just say a little bit about whatyour thought process is, as
you're continuing to write andshe's continuing to be on the
top of your thoughts of course.
Speaker 2 (31:00):
So my sister, like I said, she's loved me from day
one.
My sister has been good to mefrom the womb.
She's six years, my senior andI don't have a bad memory of her
, as a you you know, being mybig sister, ever trying to fight
on me or pinch on me.
She always took good, good,good, good, good care of me,
even until my adulthood she wasmy biggest supporter.
(31:20):
You hear what I say Every bookI wrote, if I post a Facebook
post, if there's a misspellingor a comma, she'll say, hey, fix
that word, like my sister wason me about everything.
I want you to represent yourselfin the best light.
Fix this, fix that.
Where's your book?
You procrastinating?
You told me it's going to dothis by Thursday, didn't you say
you was going here?
You have an acting gig tomorrow, right?
(31:48):
She will be reminding me ofthings that I mean.
She just she had me straight,she loved.
She's not a jealous bone in herbody.
She saw me beginning to exceland with my speaking and
starting to act, and she was ontop of every move I made, and me
and my mom and my sister Shaunawe thought it was so funny
because her the drill startedbecause she didn't play by her
baby sister, and so I mean shedidn't let not one thing fall to
(32:09):
the ground.
She would text me at 12 o'clock.
Get that of facebook.
I don't like that.
That doesn't represent you.
Get that like no nonsense.
She was all about making surethat I represented myself and,
um, when she passed away, I justmissed her.
So I stopped speaking for awhile because the children were
(32:30):
with me for a bit and you know,one day I went from just my
children to you know, ourchildren moved in from there
until we had to get thingssorted out, and so I needed to
take a moment and focus on whatwas important at the moment
making sure those babieswell-being was, you know, in
good hand and make sure auntiewas okay and, you know, just
making sure we were good.
So I kind of slowed down on thespeaking while getting getting
(32:52):
our bearings right and then,once things started getting to
somewhat normalcy, I was likeElena, if my sister were here
right now, she'd be like so youdon't have engagements, you're
not doing nothing.
Like wait a minute, why are younot auditioning what's
happening?
What are you doing?
She wouldn't even be supportingthis.
She would be like get going.
So I know she is up thererooting for me with a cloud of
(33:14):
witnesses right now, even themore ruining her baby sister on.
So there is no way I can lether love and support for me fall
to the ground.
Um, we have a necklace, all ofus with a heart, and we have her
ashes in it and oftentimes,sometimes on set, they tell me
you know I can't have it out, soI tuck it in, I put it in
pocket, but I have her on setwith me all the time, you know,
(33:37):
to remind myself Elena, tightenup.
Yeah, you sleepy, but wake up.
You're on set, be professional,get it together.
Landa's in your pocket, justlike she's in my ear.
She can never.
Her love and her pushing me.
It never falls to the ground.
So there is no way I can stop.
It's an impossibility.
I stop when I die.
(33:57):
I still have breath.
So that lets you know I'm stillgoing.
So, as you continue to see meon Facebook, you're going to
continue to see Opportunity toSpeak and continue to see me
acting.
Continue to see me opening upmy shops.
Continue to see my album comingsoon.
I'm not playing with this thingcalled life.
Speaker 1 (34:19):
It's a gift.
I would not get the grave in ifmy potential refused to do it.
And in her honor, and you knowwhat, and you what you get.
Like you said, you got yoursister.
Your oldest sister isencouraging you even more and
saying don't stop.
And I would love to know whenthat album comes out, because
you have such a beautiful voiceand I can only imagine it
becoming even more profound inthe singing and in everything
(34:40):
that you do, because, like yousaid, you got Londa with you.
She's like uh-uh, boo, we ain'tstopping here.
Uh-uh, keep it going right.
And through that pain cameencouragement to to keep going,
to remember me always.
And as you're remembering me,remember me in the good times
and the bad, but take those badtimes and smish them into the
(35:03):
good times and use those goodtimes as stepping stones to keep
you going to where you're going, yes, and I know you just
mentioned that you also have ashop, so can you tell us a
little bit more about the shopand what's on, what's in this
shop?
Speaker 2 (35:17):
absolutely.
Um, actually, uh, I'll have twoshops coming soon.
It's elena maria 360 shop.
It's just a hodgepodge ofshirts, candles, socks, bags,
suitcases, just a one-stop shopfor you to get all your you know
, the sundries and needs.
There'll be some skincare stuffin there as well.
And there's also Elena Maria360 Beauty and that brand, that
(35:38):
shop, would be specifically formakeup and eyeliner, eye kits,
makeup, skin totally 100%focused on beauty.
My brand in itself is ElenaMaria 360 LLC.
I chose that because Elenaia360 meaning all of me, right, so
right.
My brands represent all of methe singing, the acting, the
(36:01):
writing, the speaking, themobile.
You know the beauty of, youknow beauty mogul that you know
with my shop.
So everything back to what Isaid earlier.
I refuse to give the grave anyof my potential.
God gave me gifts.
Why would I not use them?
You know, enough is enough,yeah.
Speaker 1 (36:19):
And I actually do agree with what you just said
and I want to.
You know, everyone asks, noteveryone.
Some people have asked, somepeople have said, sandra, well,
if this is about the patientexperience, why are you talking
about businesses that people aredoing?
And that's because this reason,I myself am a patient and when
(36:40):
I got the diagnosis obviously Idid.
I refuse to say this is it.
I looked at the hourglass andinstead of looking at the
hourglass as half empty, Ilooked at it as full right and I
flipped it.
And because I flipped it,that's why I keep going and
encouraging other people whenthey get a diagnosis, whether
(37:02):
it's them or whether it'ssomeone in their family or
whether it's somebody in thecommunity that they're close to
gets a diagnosis of somethingthat they're dealing with.
What I encourage them to do isto keep going.
Don't like Elena Marie just said.
She refused to give the graveher talent.
She ain't taking them with herright.
(37:24):
We have to use them while we'reout here.
We just have to use them whilewe're out here doing what we
need to do.
If you're a patient and you geta diagnosis, or a loved one of a
patient, you get a diagnosis.
Encourage them.
Hey, you know what, whileyou're sitting around feeling
sorry for yourself, what is itin life you like to do?
Why don't we look into how wecan get it done, versus not
(37:47):
doing anything at all, otherthan waiting for life to say
that's it the end, um, andputting a period on things that
you want to do and you want tohave done?
Elena maria, I so appreciateyou coming on today.
Tell your loving mother I saidhello.
I listen to her as often as Ican on her facebook live.
She probably is like I don'tknow who this is.
(38:08):
I'll be sneaking in when she'son.
I'll be sneaking in, trying tolisten to her as much as I
possibly can.
I give her all the blessings,peace and blessings as she
continues to go.
Please continue to keep herlifted up, right, you got to
give, but mama's down.
(38:30):
I'll be there, but I got totake care of mama first, because
family is first, right, socontinue to do that so that she
can continue to be that strongwoman, that strong matriarch
that she is.
Yes, so that, with that beingsaid, I'm going to, we're going
to go ahead and end today'ssession and what I will say is
(38:50):
what I always say always be kind.
It costs you nothing at all tobe kind to someone.
You never know what kind of daythey're having.
You being kind makes it betterfor them.
So please be kind, add kindnessto your vocabulary and don't
just add it to your vocabularyas a noun.
(39:11):
Make being kind a verb, anaction verb at that.
Thanks, alana Marie.
I certainly appreciate you.
Thank you have a good day youtoo, thank you.
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