July 16, 2024 • 39 mins
Personal Story: Esperanza shares her journey of dealing with rheumatoid arthritis and mental health challenges. She discusses the connection between childhood trauma and her physical health, as well as the importance of seeking help and finding the right medication. She emphasizes the need to prioritize one's well-being and not be ashamed of getting help. Esperanza also highlights the role of support groups, social connections, and positive affirmations in her healing process. She encourages others to share their stories and be a guide for those going through similar struggles.
Guest: Esperanza Pacheco
IG: @esppac
TikTok @esppac1
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hello, thank you for coming on to this podcast.
Can you introduce yourself andjust say a little bit about
yourself?
Speaker 2 (00:09):
librarian.
I've had some changes inemployment recently which I can
talk about.
I went to school to get mymaster's in library science.
(00:30):
I love to travel.
That's part of my bio I forgotto include.
But yeah, I love to travel.
I love to drive.
I'm not a huge fan of planes,but I'd take them.
I'd prefer to drive if I candrive, but I like to travel in
general.
Speaker 1 (00:44):
I've taken a few road trips.
So I'm like I like road tripstoo and I mean I'll fly also if
I have to, but I feel likethere's always like that little
anxiety, but I'm still doing it,yeah.
Speaker 2 (00:55):
Yeah, I get it.
Speaker 1 (00:56):
So this is something new that I'm doing with the
podcast, because in my previousepisodes for the podcast and
anyone who's listened beforeI've had a lot of experts come
in talk about the things they do, different topics like
educational type stuff, and sofor this podcast, I wanted to
give people an opportunity ifthey wanted to come on.
(01:19):
Not necessarily you don't haveto be an expert, you know, but I
wanted to like just allowpeople to come on and just share
whatever they feel like sharing, like whether it's a story,
whatever, and so I'm really gladyou signed up.
Was there something you wantedto share?
Speaker 2 (01:38):
yeah.
So, um, I wanted to share a bitabout my year, this year, which
happens to be like one of themost difficult years of my life,
but I do want to say it startsoff like really sad but then it
gets better, I promise.
But the first thing was likeearlier this year I had lost my
(01:59):
job, which was difficult for mebecause I was the director of a
public library, so that wasreally hard for me to kind of
transition out of that.
I was pregnant and I had anabortion, unfortunately, and a
lot of.
There were many reasons, butone of the biggest reasons was I
(02:21):
have an autoimmune disease thatbecame so painful.
Generally during pregnancy thesymptoms should alleviate and
become a little bit less, andfor me it was the opposite and
it was really really unbearable.
That again, along with a lot ofother reasons you know, led me
to make my decision.
And then, very recently actually, I was diagnosed with
(02:45):
borderline personality disorder,and this is in addition to like
depression, anxiety and thingsthat I've already been diagnosed
with fairly recently since thepandemic.
So yeah, so all that stuffsounds really bad, but again, I
promise like everything kind ofresolved itself, like in the
last, the last, like few months,like I do, you know, know, I, I
consider myself a hustler, likeI like did everything I could
(03:07):
to find like new insurance, newhealth care, like kind of like
re, it felt like I wasreinventing my entire life,
basically.
But, um, I do like want toshare that.
You know, I found a new job.
I started training, um, I'mstarting that very soon.
Um, my autoimmune disease is nowunder control and this is, like
(03:41):
you know, you know, within afew months.
So I feel very like, I feellike I put in a lot of hard work
and it's something that I've,you know, kind of just put a
little bit more thought into andand it, you know, basically
everything is a lesson.
It taught me like you don'thave to accomplish everything
right now, like I'm 33 years old, so sometimes you feel like the
clock is ticking, like I haveto do it now, and that like
(04:01):
overshadows your decisions.
You know, I've found out,thankfully I am able to have a
healthy child.
So it's like if I do want to dothat in the future, there's no
rush, like I can do that, likethat is an option for when I'm
ready no, it sounds like youwent through a lot.
Speaker 1 (04:16):
It was a tough time.
Yeah, so during the time yousaid, you were still employed,
like as a librarian and thelibrarian stuff.
Speaker 2 (04:25):
Yes, I was.
I was a library director at myformer job.
It was I was at that locationfor six years and I was the
library director for two yearsand it ended up being really
complicated and my autoimmunedisease actually was kind of
(04:46):
getting bad while I was thereWithout even you know noticing I
was getting burnt out.
I feel like it's kind of like aLatina generational thing to be
like, oh, my problems aren'tthat bad.
Like I, you know I have areally good paying job, I am the
boss, like I'm not giving thisup, no matter what.
So I think I have to do abetter job at, you know, like
(05:09):
making my mental health apriority, because I won't even
like allow myself to feel thatway or to think that way.
I'll be like no, you know, thisis what I have to do.
I have to struggle through it.
If you know, I had a boardmember who was very
disrespectful to me and I I'mvery proud of you know.
I was like I don't appreciatehis disrespect and I don't have
(05:30):
to be here.
It's like it's actually alittle bit liberating to think.
Like you know, I had kind ofyou know some not an argument,
but you know when I like finallygot to like the end and decided
not to return.
I was telling my, my boss, likeI'm not coming back, I'm not
running this meeting, I'm notdoing, like I finally wait till
the very, like, very end, likewhere I'm about to blow up to be
(05:51):
like, no, I'm not doing this.
And she was like no, you haveto.
And then I remember just likethinking I was like wait a
second, like I have free will,like I don't have to do anything
.
And I never went back and youknow it's it.
Was it the best way to leave ajob?
Maybe not Like I.
Again, this is what,unfortunately, like how bad I
let it get before I feel like Iset a boundary, which is a
(06:12):
lesson that I've learned.
But yeah, it is.
It is very liberating to belike wait, I don't have to do
any of this, I don't have to bepart of this.
This doesn't have to be mystory.
It's difficult to you know, toget through it.
It took me, you know, monthsand I had to refigure everything
out, but it was.
You know, when I look back, Idon't regret it for a second
Cause I'm like I, I couldn'thandle it there anymore.
(06:35):
And now you know, I'm startinga new job.
It's kind of like a a change ofscenery.
It's the head of the children'sdepartment, so I'll be a
children's librarian and I'mlike you know what this the
director of this library.
It's a much smaller place.
She just cares so much moreabout mental health.
She knows about my story.
She decided to hire me.
She, you know, she understandsa little bit more and she
(06:57):
promises that it'll be a healthywork environment and that, you
know, you're able to take aremote day if you need to take a
day off, if you need to.
As long as I communicate withher, you know, check in with her
.
She's very respectful of myneeds would be.
So that's already like.
What more could I ask for, youknow?
Speaker 1 (07:17):
Yeah, that sounds way better.
Speaker 2 (07:18):
And.
Speaker 1 (07:19):
I feel you too, because sometimes, like I feel
like we work so hard to getthese jobs right, like we went
to school, like we do all thesethings, and I feel like, once
we're there, like it can even belike I feel I feel like guilty,
like if I don't do right if.
I don't like yeah, do my job.
Or like appreciate this role,or whatever exactly so I get it
(07:44):
Like it could be really hard tojust take care of ourselves.
Speaker 2 (07:49):
Yeah, for sure.
Speaker 1 (07:50):
But yeah, it also sounds like your.
Your previous boss wasn't veryflexible right With working
around what you were goingthrough.
Speaker 2 (08:00):
Yeah, so there were a number of reasons.
This setting was a reallychallenging work environment.
It was a much bigger library,you know, it was a bigger city.
There was so much going on thatyou know I don't I'm not like,
um, no, I have no ill willtowards like.
You know, it was a tough thing,but they they're just kind of
(08:21):
like their heads are indifferent places.
They're not.
Their priority is not thisindividual, they're more like.
You know, a lot of people willsay they're more politically
charged and they have their ownagendas, which is very common in
my workplace, because publiclibraries are ran by a board of
trustees which is elected by themayor, and that's not always a
(08:43):
bad thing, I think.
You know, in my experience it'snever been a terrible thing.
It's more, depending on myposition at the time, you know I
had to deal with these with notonly the board but, like the
council, I had to deal with allthese parties by myself as a
library director, so that it putme in a tough position, like in
, you know, in my current jobstill, still as a board.
(09:05):
But I don't have to necessarilyreport to them, I don't have to
present to them and you know Idon't have to have necessarily
direct communication with them,like I can write reports and
things like that.
That will, um, end up in theirhands.
But I don't necessarily have tobe that face anymore where
you're kind of like a liaison,but sometimes you just feel like
you're in the middle of.
(09:26):
You know I have to do what theysay, but then also, um, you
know, protect my staff, like itwas.
It was just a difficult place tobe in and that's kind of like
that's all around.
You know, like I said inlibraries, um, but yeah, I
definitely when, when I wasdoing my job search for this
current job, I was like I dowant to take a step back.
I don't want to be a directorright now.
You know I need somethingdifferent.
(09:48):
And yeah, like you said, it'shard because it's less pay, it's
like a smaller role, but it isthe head of a department, like
I'm still in my field.
You know, I'm very grateful forthis opportunity that came up
and, right off the bat, um I,the way I actually even met this
director was that when I wasdirector, I would go to a number
(10:11):
of networking opportunities.
So that's how I knew her in thefirst place and you know she,
um, I felt comfortable reachingout to her asking about her open
roles.
And so, you know, when I lookback, I'm like really proud of
myself.
I'm like I'm the one that madethese connections, I'm the one
that made it easier on myselfnow to find something new and
she had shared with me.
(10:33):
You know, this is a positionwhere you can grow.
She's like if I'm not hereforever, she's like I know you
have experience as a director.
So if that's something you wantto pursue, you know it's like
right off the bat, I would likeheard these promising things
that kind of fit more into themold of what I see for my future
.
So I was like, oh cool, likeyou know, obviously I'm not
going to take her job tomorrow,like it's not, like it's going
to happen overnight, like that.
(10:55):
But you know, if it issomething that comes up, it's
nice to know she's thinking ofme.
It's nice to know I have thecredentials for it, I have the
degree, I have the experience.
So already it's like I feel,you know, just like this is a
much better fit for me.
So I like that a lot.
Speaker 1 (11:12):
Nice.
Well, congrats on that, onfinding something that you love
and enjoy and these are bothpublic library, like your
previous job and your currentjob and these are both public
library, like your previous joband your current job.
Speaker 2 (11:26):
Yes, and what was tough is like for a while I was.
I had to decide, or I had tofigure out, if I could be on
disability because of myautoimmune disease.
During the winter it gets sobad that I didn't even know if I
could work.
So it that's a really scarything to have in the back of
your head because come thewinter I don't know how bad I'm
going to feel.
But you know I can'tnecessarily live with that
(11:48):
anxiety.
I have to just keep pushingforward.
You know like I kind of youknow what I would like to work,
so that I it's very hard but Ihave to think of just like the
now.
I have to be present in themoment.
I have to, you know,mindfulness I need to.
I need to take care of myselfnow and kind of just trust that
the process will unravel in thebest way possible for me.
(12:11):
So wish me luck.
Speaker 1 (12:15):
I ask like what your autoimmune is and like how that
affects you, just kind of likedaily, like how does it show up?
Speaker 2 (12:28):
affects you just kind of like daily.
Like how does it show up?
Yes, so I have rheumatoidarthritis, which is an
autoimmune disease that I wasdiagnosed with in 2020 during
the pandemic, which I don'tthink is a mistake, but I think
everything kind of happened atonce, like not only in a
stressful time, but I think that, for me at least, that was the
first time at age it was aboutage 29, that it manifested at
(12:51):
all, like I'd never had anysymptoms, even though
technically you have it sinceyou're born.
I had never had any symptomswhatsoever.
It kind of just flared up, butI do.
You know, some of the things Ilearned were that, for me
personally at least, I think itstems a lot from childhood
trauma and I think it's likevery much mental stress as well
as physical stress, like ifthere's something you haven't
(13:13):
taken care of mentally therethroughout the last few years,
like tried therapy, triedmedications and things like that
for my mental health, but it'sa struggle, like it's always
very trial and error figuringthat stuff out.
But for my physical health, Ialso take medication, which I've
(13:37):
tried so many things thatworked for a little while and
then stopped working.
So, thankfully, you know, Itake one pill a day now for it.
That has been working um forthis year.
But yeah, it basically affectsmy joints.
So it could be any jointsthroughout my body.
And, um, recently it's like myhands, like they're okay right
(13:59):
now but like the I can't likepick up like super heavy things.
And it's not necessarily like amuscle issue, it's more like
the like I can't always, like Ican't open a bottle of water
because it's like the way thatyou have to grip it, like my
joints can't like necessarily dothat.
But yeah, it's like.
In the past it's been like myfeet, it's been my shoulders.
(14:21):
Last winter, especially duringthe pregnancy, it was terrible.
I could barely use my arm, Icould barely walk, my knees were
swollen, I was limping.
I was in just such severe pain.
The medication wasn't working.
There are certain medicationsyou can't take for RA while
you're pregnant, so everythingwas just so overcomplicated that
(14:42):
, again, that's what you know,one of the biggest things that
led me to make my decision aboutthe abortion.
But, yeah, the autoimmunedisease it has gotten.
There are points in my pastwhere it's gotten so bad Um
again with like differentmedications, or if I've been
stubborn to stop takingmedications, thinking like, oh,
I'll just, I'll be fine withoutit.
(15:03):
That does not work for me.
But, um, there's so many like,oh, I'll just, I'll be fine
without it.
That does not work for me.
But, um, there's so many likeum different like combinations
of things.
Like for a while I was takingmy medication plus Tylenol every
day and recently I've been ableto stop taking the Tylenol,
except, you know, if needed.
But there are so many just likelittle intricacies of of
medications you can take andI've tried like physical therapy
(15:25):
, like there's there's a lotthat that you have to figure out
, because you know everything.
You know different things workfor different people.
Generally, a lot of people arelike, oh, you're too young for
that and that it's somethingthat, like older folks get, and
I'm like, well, I have it and Idon't know what to tell you.
But a lot of that there are.
(15:46):
Like there are some I know atleast of like one or two of um
peers who have had it like sincethey were kids.
So there are like pediatriciansthat deal with it too.
So you know as much as it's notnecessarily a young people
thing, again, it is, it is whatit is Like.
I have it and I have to.
You know, it's myresponsibility to deal with it.
Speaker 1 (16:06):
Okay, so so you're.
You said that you're born withit, with it, and then just some
like triggers, that somethingcauses it to flare up at one
point.
Speaker 2 (16:18):
Yes, so I think that that's for me at least.
What I've learned is that it'skind of a childhood trauma,
generational thing.
I know a lot of people that'snot necessarily what the science
says, like that's not whatdoctors necessarily say, so it's
hard to it's hard to say thatconfidently.
But again, I know myself bestand I think that's where it
(16:40):
comes from, because there arelike a few I've read, I've read
about, you know as much as Icould about this, and there are.
There is at least one likedoctor, philosopher, dr Gabor
Mate, who does talk aboutmatured arthritis stems from
childhood traumas.
You know, some of the thingsdoctors will ask are is it
genetic?
Like, does anyone in yourfamily have it?
And for me, no, not necessarilylike my.
(17:02):
You know my family doesn't havea history of it.
But, um, you know, generationaltrauma doesn't just go away,
like it's not just, um,something that you know.
If your parents moved to, likemy parents said, moved to a new
country, had children, thatdoesn't mean all of a sudden
their lives became, you know,perfect it, especially in my
(17:22):
household where and many commonLatino households you don't talk
about things at all.
If things are difficult, it'stoo difficult to bring up and to
talk about, and so that hassuppressed me a lot in my
childhood and you know I didn'thave like a physically abusive
childhood or anything like that.
But I do feel able to regulatemy emotions.
(17:44):
I was never able to talk aboutthings and I'm kind of like the
black sheep of my family who I'mthe one who always, like,
wanted to talk about thosethings.
But you know, I was always themost sensitive one, the one with
, like the bigger feelings,whereas my sister, like she's
able to just forgive everything.
Move on, everyone deals withthings their own way and their
(18:17):
own way, and things do catch upwith you in their own way.
But this is me and this in myankles and my feet and wondering
like why it's hard to to walkand and things like that.
And when I got a blood test thatshowed like a high rheumatoid
count and that's kind of likewhat began my journey into, you
know, figuring out how to stopthis, one of the very first
(18:38):
medications that I tried workedlike physically worked amazingly
well, but I was starting tohave like suicidal thoughts and,
um, I had to stop that and thatwas hard because, um, some, my
first doctor didn't believe me.
She's like, no, this doesn't dothat.
Like that, that can't be it.
So that also began my journeyof like seeking multiple doctors
(19:01):
and when this one couldn't helpme, I had to find a new one.
And then, like that, you know,caused the changes in medication
, changes and you know, other,because there's always, like
side effects to the medication.
So it became this like, youknow, very complicated journey
of like what's the best doctor,what's the best medication, and
(19:23):
all of that.
Yeah, like I said, for mepersonally, I think it came from
, you know, the stress andtrauma, and I do think it works
hand in hand with your mentalhealth and your physical health.
I don't think it's a mistakethat I say, like, if you ignore
one, like it'll show up in theother way.
(19:44):
But you know, it's not that Inecessarily ignore my mental
health, but I never really, Iguess, had an outlet to express
it in a healthy way.
So it's all the stuff that I'mworking on right now, you know,
is like trying to, you know,have a doctor, a psychiatrist,
who can help me with my mentalhealth and then a rheumatologist
who helps me with my physicalhealth, and as hard as it is to,
you know, have a doctor, apsychiatrist who can help me
with my mental health, and thena rheumatologist who helps me
(20:04):
with my physical health.
And as hard as it is to, youknow, think about medication, I
thankfully just take like onepill for this, one pill for that
a day, and then I'm like that'swhat I need right now, you know
.
So as much as I like shamemyself for it or like feel
embarrassed about it, I'm likethis is what I need, this is
what will help me, so I'm worthgetting that help that I need
(20:28):
every single day.
So that's how I try to look atit.
Speaker 1 (20:31):
No, yeah, for sure, and there's only.
I definitely feel like you knowit's connected, because there's
only so much like, if you'renot pressing your emotions like
you said right, it was in yourhousehold, you weren't able to
really express yourself Likeyou're just kind of holding on
to everything.
It's going to catch up to youat some point and so, whether it
(20:53):
be physically, mentally, bothyou know everything.
I feel like everything isconnected for sure.
Speaker 2 (21:01):
Yes, yeah, I agree, and it's very difficult, like
for me with my sister's a yearand a half older and she's like,
like I said, kind of like theopposite of me.
So it's not like I ever reallyhad an example of like.
You know, this is how you dealwith your emotions, or like, if
you need to talk to me about it,talk to me about it.
I can't even talk to her aboutit because she just doesn't get
(21:22):
it, and you know it's notintentional.
But, um, you know, I rememberstruggling a lot in high school
and my mom, you know, would justbe like, oh, we'll find you a
therapist, but it never happened.
So I'm like I probably couldhave used it back then, like I
obviously like was veryemotional, like I was struggling
, um, so, yeah, I could haveused like the help a lot sooner.
(21:43):
That's like my biggest piece ofadvice, I guess, to other like
fellow Latinas, and is, like youknow, don't be ashamed of
getting help, because you knowwhat's the worst that could
happen.
But also to be able to use meas an example, like not
necessarily like a bad example,like don't let it get that bad,
but like if I can go through it,you can go through it.
(22:04):
You know I have to deal withthis and you know you can manage
it.
It's you should not.
There's no reason that youshould be struggling every day
If you can help it.
You know, like there's.
I'm, like I said, I'm trying toget like help now, especially
with the diagnosis of BPD.
Now that like kind of answers alot of questions for me about,
(22:26):
about my emotions, like since Iwas a kid, really since high
school especially like I kind ofalways had like paranoid
thoughts.
I always thought, you know, Ihad a lot of abandonment issues,
I always thought people didn'tlove me enough.
I've been struggling with thata lot recently, which is why I
went to a psychiatrist and, youknow, thinking like this is
normal, I'll get over it, likewhen good things happen, I'll be
(22:49):
fine.
But you deserve to feel goodeven when good things aren't
necessarily happening.
And you should have kind oflike this baseline of you know,
don't you shouldn't be likestuck in a hole every day like
that.
Recently that's how I had beenfeeling, especially with, you
know, everything that transpiredthis year, and so, um, you know
, now I'm taking anantidepressant and even though
(23:10):
there's no similar to RA,there's no cure for BPD, but, um
, you know there's ways tomanage it.
So, one, the very like firstthing that I'm doing right now
is getting back on on myantidepressant, which has been
super helpful because, yeah,there's, you know there's I've
noticing such a difference withyou know, my problems aren't
(23:31):
just not really solvednecessarily, but any like
loneliness, I feel anyabandonment, I feel I'm kind of
just experiencing it instead ofletting it like consume me
completely.
And I decided, you know, withstarting this new job, I'm like
I again I deserve to feel asnormal as I possibly can.
(23:52):
Like in starting a new job, I'mresponsible for providing a
good service and doing the bestthat I can.
So that you know, knowing howI've been feeling lately, of
just feeling like down, justfeeling like my normal has just
been down and upset and and allof that, I'm like I.
I need to be just like again, asnormal as I possibly can, not
(24:15):
letting myself get down ortriggered really by like every
little thing.
It's more like I want thisbaseline of feeling comfortable.
You know good things, if goodthings happen and I feel good
about them, that's great.
But yeah, I can't necessarilyjust rely on something you know
huge happening every day.
I need to have this.
I need to have just this, thisnormalcy.
(24:37):
I need to have this comfort of,of feeling, you know, like
every day is is.
You know I can breathe, youknow so.
So that's been, that's been ajourney.
Speaker 1 (24:48):
Oh yeah, definitely.
If you know you're having, ifyou're like having these bad
days every single day or likedays where you're not feeling
well, you're feeling like sad,like you know something's not
right, it's so exhausting andyou know to just live like that
and, like you said, just theimportance of like reaching out
(25:10):
for support or help or just, youknow, connecting to a therapist
, or like it's so importantbecause everyone deserves happy
life, to just be comfortable andjust be happy.
You know, every know every day.
Speaker 2 (25:23):
Yeah, that's another thing that was like a bit of a
struggle for me with with mymental health is, like in the
past, like some of thedepressive episodes that I've
had, um, I was able to kind ofjust get over it with time.
So that was like kind of my um,my like template for getting
over depression.
I'm like, oh, it just takestime.
You know, like I, I'll get overit next month and I gave myself
(25:44):
these like timelines ordeadlines, like, okay, you know
you're not crying as much, so bynext month you'll be fine, or
or whatnot.
This, you know, I always keeplike kind of like a schedule of
like upcoming things to distractme.
Like I'm going to go to thisshow, I'm going to go to this,
to this like.
But there comes a point where,like, um, you just need more
help, like it's just the honesttruth, because you know I can
(26:06):
distract myself as much as Iwant and and it helps.
You know I I'm like a hustler,like I will go out, I'll make
plans, I'll try, I'll try.
I feel like I've tried andexhausted like everything, like
when it comes to the point whereit's like debilitating because
you're doing everything in yourpower to feel better, but you
(26:26):
still feel like this emptiness,then it's not your fault.
You know what I mean.
Like you, I was like tellingthis doctor like I'm like I'm
doing everything I can, but itjust doesn't feel like enough
and I need help and and that'sokay.
Like, don't, don't, like, Idon't think you should be
draining yourself like thatevery day.
To like once in a while it'sgood to like do things to
(26:46):
distract me.
But my personal goal is like Iwant to be able to sit here on
my couch like and not feel likethis debilitating loneliness and
abandonment.
And that for me, meansmedication right now, it means
an antidepressant, and that's.
I'm saying this.
I'm like proud of myself forsaying this out loud, because
it's so hard for me to acceptlike for this, like entire year,
(27:08):
I'm like no, I don't need that.
Like no, I've done it before.
It helped me, but I only neededit for a year.
Like I don't need it anymore.
And it's like who am I tryingto prove this to?
Like all I have to do is likeprove it to myself.
You know, like, if that's whatI need and if it makes me feel
better to think, okay, it's onlyfor a year.
Whatever it is, then, fine, youneed, if you need help, you just
need that extra help.
(27:29):
It doesn't mean you're a badperson, it doesn't mean you know
you're a failure, because itdoes make me feel a little bit
like, oh damn, I couldn'tconquer it on my own.
I was, I was able to do it bymyself before, and now I can't
do it anymore.
And it's scary, I'm not goingto lie, it's very scary.
But yeah, you are worth justbeing able to live day to day
(27:53):
and you're able.
You're allowed to make mistakes, you're allowed to fail, you're
allowed to figure it out, and Ithink that's one of the biggest
lessons I'm trying to teachmyself to is like trust yourself
you know.
You know you're not.
You know you're doingeverything you can.
You know you're not a badperson.
Try to have these like positiveaffirmations instead of like
telling myself I'm a failure,like be grateful that you're.
(28:16):
You're getting the help thatyou need.
That's very important to keepin mind.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (28:22):
Yeah, and that's like a common.
I feel like that's a commontheme, I guess I don't know like
with like having to takemedications, like a lot of
people are like oh, I don't wantto take medications, Like I
don't want to be on thesemedications forever, or just
asking for help sometimes canfeel like weird or overwhelming
(28:43):
even.
But again, I feel like that'sin part due to like the way that
we grow up, and especiallyright, Like we were talking
about in Latino households, likekind of putting yourself last,
holding everything in like.
So as an adult it could be hardto like even ask for help still
(29:04):
, but definitely important.
Speaker 2 (29:07):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (29:08):
So, given with everything you know, your
experience with finding out yourRA diagnosis, you know the or
the job stuff that was going on,so definitely like a very like
overwhelming stressful moment inyour life to where you are now,
what was what happened inbetween, what kind of helped you
(29:30):
get to the point where you arenow and just having like this
different mindset abouteverything and you know like
what was it that you wouldsuggest to others or what did
you do, or what kind of happened.
Speaker 2 (29:46):
Yes, one of the first things with my physical
condition is like I had to find,I had to find what medication
works best for that.
You know, after the pregnancythere was, there were more
options available to me, so thatthat in itself was was a
difficult thing because,especially Latino culture,
(30:09):
they're like have the baby, nomatter what.
Have the baby.
It's kind of like the babybecomes priority and it's like
I'm suffering here.
So when I was able to takemyself seriously and be like
it's hard, but I deserve to feelokay throughout this Pregnancy
(30:31):
is hard enough.
I'm not going to like eye overthis.
You know that again very, verydifficult decision, but, um, I
was just in so much pain that,yeah, the first thing when I,
you know, was no longer pregnantwas I was able to take, um, a
new or more advanced medicationwhich has been helpful so far.
So that was the first thing islike my physical health, because
(30:52):
there were like times where Icould barely like get up, I
could barely get out of bed,like the physical pain was so
bad.
So that's one of the thingsthat definitely helps because
that improves your quality oflife for sure.
Like I said, with like thishustler mindset of being social.
Once it got nice, I joinedgroups like Amigas Latinas,
(31:12):
amigas y Mas.
I joined the Instagram groups,the TikTok groups, the Discord
groups to try to make as manyplans as possible.
I've been really lucky toconnect with people like
yourself and connect with otherwomen who I didn't necessarily
try to trauma dump on them, butthere are some people you
connect with and you tell themthings.
There are others where you justtalk about good things, like it
(31:34):
all feeds you know positivethings into my life to just um
socialize and um be able to getmy mind off things and and also
just build positive connections.
At the same time, like I don'tassociate like any of these
places with something bad.
I created new experiences andnew memories with them, so it
became like this good thing tolook at in my life.
(31:58):
Another thing was TikTok helpedme so much.
I was so afraid when they weretalking about banning it.
I hope it never gets bannedbecause I you just learn so much
.
Not only does your algorithmkind of you know find you in a
way, but I just you know again,I wasn't just getting like bad
things about like abortions.
(32:18):
I was getting like positiveaffirmations.
I was getting um, women whowere going through similar
things and got through them.
I was, I was getting like tarotcard readers, which I know can
be a little controversial, butfor me I took away like the
positive affirmations of it,like, um, how you know, I
deserve to, to grow, I deservegood things and I just learned
(32:40):
so much because you kind oflearned that you're definitely
not alone.
Like people either have similarexperiences or they teach you
something about theirexperiences, and not that you
should ever compare, but peoplehave gone through really bad
things and I'm really proud ofthe women who have been able to
share their journeys on TikTok.
(33:01):
People like share embarrassingstories, funny stories, past
experiences.
It just shows you we're kind ofall in this together.
And people like to joke like,oh, I've never had a unique
experience before.
We're kind of all in thistogether.
And you know, people like tojoke like oh, I've never had a
unique experience before.
Like it's kind of nice to know.
Like she's been through thisand she got through it and she's
talking about it in public andit's amazing and I learned about
(33:25):
.
Like really powerful people likethere's one girl.
People like there's um one girl, uh, jordan turpin, who many
people had seen on the news, whoescaped a very abusive family
and kind of saved her and hersiblings.
There's gypsy rose blanchard,again a very controversial
figure, but a girl who's my agewho, um, suffered munchinson by
(33:48):
proxy disease because of her mom, then was sent to prison for
eight years and now is likeliving a new life.
And, um, there's so many likeexamples that you can follow
that not necessarily you want tobe like them, but who have gone
through something difficult and, you know, have prevailed and
can teach you something.
And then you know again, not tocompare but to for you to learn
(34:13):
, you know what you want to takefrom there and and, oh, if she
can get through this, then I canget through this.
And, um, what are some of thetools that she used to get over
her personal struggle?
And maybe that's something Ican use and kind of giving
yourself these milestones oflike, okay, like, this is where
I am now, where do I want to be.
I don't necessarily journal allthe time, but when I was going
(34:35):
through like a really hard timein the winter, I would try to
write, you know, down how I wasfeeling and how I wanted to feel
six months from now how I wantto feel a year from now.
So, even like a month later,looking back on that, I was like
, oh wow, I can't believe, whenI look back, like how I was able
to change all of thesenegatives to a positive and like
(34:56):
less than six months.
So, you know, I I startedbecoming like more religious,
which I was like I really shiedaway from like in the last few
years of my life.
But it's something, you know,something that just ended up
working for me and is like avery personal journey for me and
is like a very personal journey, and so I I did try to look a
(35:17):
lot like for outside things tohelp me.
But again, more than only whichis important is where, like,
the medication and the rightmedications are able to assist
you, because, yes, I deserve tohave like a full, well rounded,
healthy life.
And, yeah, I definitely wouldsay things got better, I feel
better.
You know, things are not perfect, but definitely different and
(35:39):
my biggest, biggest hope is that, you know, by the end of this
year, by this coming winter,I'll be in a completely
different place than I was lastyear and last winter last time.
And it's really scary becausewith my anxiety.
I'm like, oh my God, what if?
What if the same thing justcycles all over again?
What if I'm in pain again?
What if this, what if that?
But you know it's myresponsibility to to look at um,
(36:02):
everything I've gone through,everything I've learned, use
every resource possible to makesure that I don't return back to
that place and that you know,even if it's like a little bit
of progress, baby steps, thatyou know I don't want to be in
pain this winter, I don't wantto be depressed this winter, I
don't want to have suicidalthoughts this winter.
(36:23):
Whatever that, you know itmeans for me to progress even a
little bit.
It's, it's worth it.
Speaker 1 (36:28):
Yes, Thank you so much for sharing some of your
story and just how you overcamea lot of these challenges and
are still overcoming right.
A lot of those challenges.
But, yeah, I agree with justeverything you said.
I feel like everyone's goingthrough something.
I feel like everyone needstherapy that's what I tell
(36:50):
people Like everyone needs atherapist Because everyone's
going through something, even ifit's something that seems small
.
Like you know, yeah, there'snever going to be like a perfect
life.
There's always going to be somekind of stress, like something.
But the important part is tothe way that you react to that
(37:15):
stress, you know, in that momentand asking for help or talking
about it, and not just likeholding everything into yourself
.
And so, yes, like we're notalone in our struggles and the
way that we're feeling, yeah,sometimes like seeing someone
else that has like a similarstory, like not so much
(37:38):
comparing yourself, like yousaid, but it kind of gives us
hope.
It kind of gives you like alittle feeling of hope and just
you know, knowing that you'reyou're not by yourself.
Speaker 2 (37:49):
Yeah, I mean there's a time where, like you know,
with other amigas and stuff inthe groups that I've joined,
where, um, I would be like Icouldn't say like the word
abortion without breaking intotears.
You know what I'm saying.
So, yeah, there are things thatdo take a little bit of time
but also take like reframing andand and medication, like I said
, and now I'm like I neverreally like pictured that I
(38:11):
would be able to talk about thisand again, like just a few
months later, I'm like it's kindof it feels to me like worth it
to talk about again because youcould be helping somebody else.
You could be someone else outthere might be struggling with
making the decision how to getthrough it.
Why am I not over it, anythinglike that?
And it's like you know, I wantto be an example to other
(38:34):
females, other women, otherLatinas, and I I want I want
people to like learn from me andyou know kind of take like the
positives of of you know whatI've been through and you know
we're here to help each other.
I think that's what alwayshelps me and and I think it's
important to kind of be thatguide for other people as well.
Speaker 1 (38:55):
Yes, Very beautifully said, thank you.
But yeah, thank you so much forcoming on to the mental health
ish podcast and, with that beingsaid, like if anyone that's
listening has a story they wouldlike to share or talk about,
you can always reach out and thewebsite for this podcast is
mentalhealthishcom.
(39:17):
So feel free to reach out.
And yeah, thank you so much.
I really appreciate your time.
It was nice talking to you.
You too, thank you so much.
Speaker 2 (39:28):
I'll talk to you soon .
Hello, thank you for coming on to this podcast.
Can you introduce yourself andjust say a little bit about
yourself?
Speaker 2 (00:09):
librarian.
I've had some changes inemployment recently which I can
talk about.
I went to school to get mymaster's in library science.
(00:30):
I love to travel.
That's part of my bio I forgotto include.
But yeah, I love to travel.
I love to drive.
I'm not a huge fan of planes,but I'd take them.
I'd prefer to drive if I candrive, but I like to travel in
general.
Speaker 1 (00:44):
I've taken a few road trips.
So I'm like I like road tripstoo and I mean I'll fly also if
I have to, but I feel likethere's always like that little
anxiety, but I'm still doing it,yeah.
Speaker 2 (00:55):
Yeah, I get it.
Speaker 1 (00:56):
So this is something new that I'm doing with the
podcast, because in my previousepisodes for the podcast and
anyone who's listened beforeI've had a lot of experts come
in talk about the things they do, different topics like
educational type stuff, and sofor this podcast, I wanted to
give people an opportunity ifthey wanted to come on.
(01:19):
Not necessarily you don't haveto be an expert, you know, but I
wanted to like just allowpeople to come on and just share
whatever they feel like sharing, like whether it's a story,
whatever, and so I'm really gladyou signed up.
Was there something you wantedto share?
Speaker 2 (01:38):
yeah.
So, um, I wanted to share a bitabout my year, this year, which
happens to be like one of themost difficult years of my life,
but I do want to say it startsoff like really sad but then it
gets better, I promise.
But the first thing was likeearlier this year I had lost my
(01:59):
job, which was difficult for mebecause I was the director of a
public library, so that wasreally hard for me to kind of
transition out of that.
I was pregnant and I had anabortion, unfortunately, and a
lot of.
There were many reasons, butone of the biggest reasons was I
(02:21):
have an autoimmune disease thatbecame so painful.
Generally during pregnancy thesymptoms should alleviate and
become a little bit less, andfor me it was the opposite and
it was really really unbearable.
That again, along with a lot ofother reasons you know, led me
to make my decision.
And then, very recently actually, I was diagnosed with
(02:45):
borderline personality disorder,and this is in addition to like
depression, anxiety and thingsthat I've already been diagnosed
with fairly recently since thepandemic.
So yeah, so all that stuffsounds really bad, but again, I
promise like everything kind ofresolved itself, like in the
last, the last, like few months,like I do, you know, know, I, I
consider myself a hustler, likeI like did everything I could
(03:07):
to find like new insurance, newhealth care, like kind of like
re, it felt like I wasreinventing my entire life,
basically.
But, um, I do like want toshare that.
You know, I found a new job.
I started training, um, I'mstarting that very soon.
Um, my autoimmune disease is nowunder control and this is, like
(03:41):
you know, you know, within afew months.
So I feel very like, I feellike I put in a lot of hard work
and it's something that I've,you know, kind of just put a
little bit more thought into andand it, you know, basically
everything is a lesson.
It taught me like you don'thave to accomplish everything
right now, like I'm 33 years old, so sometimes you feel like the
clock is ticking, like I haveto do it now, and that like
(04:01):
overshadows your decisions.
You know, I've found out,thankfully I am able to have a
healthy child.
So it's like if I do want to dothat in the future, there's no
rush, like I can do that, likethat is an option for when I'm
ready no, it sounds like youwent through a lot.
Speaker 1 (04:16):
It was a tough time.
Yeah, so during the time yousaid, you were still employed,
like as a librarian and thelibrarian stuff.
Speaker 2 (04:25):
Yes, I was.
I was a library director at myformer job.
It was I was at that locationfor six years and I was the
library director for two yearsand it ended up being really
complicated and my autoimmunedisease actually was kind of
(04:46):
getting bad while I was thereWithout even you know noticing I
was getting burnt out.
I feel like it's kind of like aLatina generational thing to be
like, oh, my problems aren'tthat bad.
Like I, you know I have areally good paying job, I am the
boss, like I'm not giving thisup, no matter what.
So I think I have to do abetter job at, you know, like
(05:09):
making my mental health apriority, because I won't even
like allow myself to feel thatway or to think that way.
I'll be like no, you know, thisis what I have to do.
I have to struggle through it.
If you know, I had a boardmember who was very
disrespectful to me and I I'mvery proud of you know.
I was like I don't appreciatehis disrespect and I don't have
(05:30):
to be here.
It's like it's actually alittle bit liberating to think.
Like you know, I had kind ofyou know some not an argument,
but you know when I like finallygot to like the end and decided
not to return.
I was telling my, my boss, likeI'm not coming back, I'm not
running this meeting, I'm notdoing, like I finally wait till
the very, like, very end, likewhere I'm about to blow up to be
(05:51):
like, no, I'm not doing this.
And she was like no, you haveto.
And then I remember just likethinking I was like wait a
second, like I have free will,like I don't have to do anything
.
And I never went back and youknow it's it.
Was it the best way to leave ajob?
Maybe not Like I.
Again, this is what,unfortunately, like how bad I
let it get before I feel like Iset a boundary, which is a
(06:12):
lesson that I've learned.
But yeah, it is.
It is very liberating to belike wait, I don't have to do
any of this, I don't have to bepart of this.
This doesn't have to be mystory.
It's difficult to you know, toget through it.
It took me, you know, monthsand I had to refigure everything
out, but it was.
You know, when I look back, Idon't regret it for a second
Cause I'm like I, I couldn'thandle it there anymore.
(06:35):
And now you know, I'm startinga new job.
It's kind of like a a change ofscenery.
It's the head of the children'sdepartment, so I'll be a
children's librarian and I'mlike you know what this the
director of this library.
It's a much smaller place.
She just cares so much moreabout mental health.
She knows about my story.
She decided to hire me.
She, you know, she understandsa little bit more and she
(06:57):
promises that it'll be a healthywork environment and that, you
know, you're able to take aremote day if you need to take a
day off, if you need to.
As long as I communicate withher, you know, check in with her
.
She's very respectful of myneeds would be.
So that's already like.
What more could I ask for, youknow?
Speaker 1 (07:17):
Yeah, that sounds way better.
Speaker 2 (07:18):
And.
Speaker 1 (07:19):
I feel you too, because sometimes, like I feel
like we work so hard to getthese jobs right, like we went
to school, like we do all thesethings, and I feel like, once
we're there, like it can even belike I feel I feel like guilty,
like if I don't do right if.
I don't like yeah, do my job.
Or like appreciate this role,or whatever exactly so I get it
(07:44):
Like it could be really hard tojust take care of ourselves.
Speaker 2 (07:49):
Yeah, for sure.
Speaker 1 (07:50):
But yeah, it also sounds like your.
Your previous boss wasn't veryflexible right With working
around what you were goingthrough.
Speaker 2 (08:00):
Yeah, so there were a number of reasons.
This setting was a reallychallenging work environment.
It was a much bigger library,you know, it was a bigger city.
There was so much going on thatyou know I don't I'm not like,
um, no, I have no ill willtowards like.
You know, it was a tough thing,but they they're just kind of
(08:21):
like their heads are indifferent places.
They're not.
Their priority is not thisindividual, they're more like.
You know, a lot of people willsay they're more politically
charged and they have their ownagendas, which is very common in
my workplace, because publiclibraries are ran by a board of
trustees which is elected by themayor, and that's not always a
(08:43):
bad thing, I think.
You know, in my experience it'snever been a terrible thing.
It's more, depending on myposition at the time, you know I
had to deal with these with notonly the board but, like the
council, I had to deal with allthese parties by myself as a
library director, so that it putme in a tough position, like in
, you know, in my current jobstill, still as a board.
(09:05):
But I don't have to necessarilyreport to them, I don't have to
present to them and you know Idon't have to have necessarily
direct communication with them,like I can write reports and
things like that.
That will, um, end up in theirhands.
But I don't necessarily have tobe that face anymore where
you're kind of like a liaison,but sometimes you just feel like
you're in the middle of.
(09:26):
You know I have to do what theysay, but then also, um, you
know, protect my staff, like itwas.
It was just a difficult place tobe in and that's kind of like
that's all around.
You know, like I said inlibraries, um, but yeah, I
definitely when, when I wasdoing my job search for this
current job, I was like I dowant to take a step back.
I don't want to be a directorright now.
You know I need somethingdifferent.
(09:48):
And yeah, like you said, it'shard because it's less pay, it's
like a smaller role, but it isthe head of a department, like
I'm still in my field.
You know, I'm very grateful forthis opportunity that came up
and, right off the bat, um I,the way I actually even met this
director was that when I wasdirector, I would go to a number
(10:11):
of networking opportunities.
So that's how I knew her in thefirst place and you know she,
um, I felt comfortable reachingout to her asking about her open
roles.
And so, you know, when I lookback, I'm like really proud of
myself.
I'm like I'm the one that madethese connections, I'm the one
that made it easier on myselfnow to find something new and
she had shared with me.
(10:33):
You know, this is a positionwhere you can grow.
She's like if I'm not hereforever, she's like I know you
have experience as a director.
So if that's something you wantto pursue, you know it's like
right off the bat, I would likeheard these promising things
that kind of fit more into themold of what I see for my future
.
So I was like, oh cool, likeyou know, obviously I'm not
going to take her job tomorrow,like it's not, like it's going
to happen overnight, like that.
(10:55):
But you know, if it issomething that comes up, it's
nice to know she's thinking ofme.
It's nice to know I have thecredentials for it, I have the
degree, I have the experience.
So already it's like I feel,you know, just like this is a
much better fit for me.
So I like that a lot.
Speaker 1 (11:12):
Nice.
Well, congrats on that, onfinding something that you love
and enjoy and these are bothpublic library, like your
previous job and your currentjob and these are both public
library, like your previous joband your current job.
Speaker 2 (11:26):
Yes, and what was tough is like for a while I was.
I had to decide, or I had tofigure out, if I could be on
disability because of myautoimmune disease.
During the winter it gets sobad that I didn't even know if I
could work.
So it that's a really scarything to have in the back of
your head because come thewinter I don't know how bad I'm
going to feel.
But you know I can'tnecessarily live with that
(11:48):
anxiety.
I have to just keep pushingforward.
You know like I kind of youknow what I would like to work,
so that I it's very hard but Ihave to think of just like the
now.
I have to be present in themoment.
I have to, you know,mindfulness I need to.
I need to take care of myselfnow and kind of just trust that
the process will unravel in thebest way possible for me.
(12:11):
So wish me luck.
Speaker 1 (12:15):
I ask like what your autoimmune is and like how that
affects you, just kind of likedaily, like how does it show up?
Speaker 2 (12:28):
affects you just kind of like daily.
Like how does it show up?
Yes, so I have rheumatoidarthritis, which is an
autoimmune disease that I wasdiagnosed with in 2020 during
the pandemic, which I don'tthink is a mistake, but I think
everything kind of happened atonce, like not only in a
stressful time, but I think that, for me at least, that was the
first time at age it was aboutage 29, that it manifested at
(12:51):
all, like I'd never had anysymptoms, even though
technically you have it sinceyou're born.
I had never had any symptomswhatsoever.
It kind of just flared up, butI do.
You know, some of the things Ilearned were that, for me
personally at least, I think itstems a lot from childhood
trauma and I think it's likevery much mental stress as well
as physical stress, like ifthere's something you haven't
(13:13):
taken care of mentally therethroughout the last few years,
like tried therapy, triedmedications and things like that
for my mental health, but it'sa struggle, like it's always
very trial and error figuringthat stuff out.
But for my physical health, Ialso take medication, which I've
(13:37):
tried so many things thatworked for a little while and
then stopped working.
So, thankfully, you know, Itake one pill a day now for it.
That has been working um forthis year.
But yeah, it basically affectsmy joints.
So it could be any jointsthroughout my body.
And, um, recently it's like myhands, like they're okay right
(13:59):
now but like the I can't likepick up like super heavy things.
And it's not necessarily like amuscle issue, it's more like
the like I can't always, like Ican't open a bottle of water
because it's like the way thatyou have to grip it, like my
joints can't like necessarily dothat.
But yeah, it's like.
In the past it's been like myfeet, it's been my shoulders.
(14:21):
Last winter, especially duringthe pregnancy, it was terrible.
I could barely use my arm, Icould barely walk, my knees were
swollen, I was limping.
I was in just such severe pain.
The medication wasn't working.
There are certain medicationsyou can't take for RA while
you're pregnant, so everythingwas just so overcomplicated that
(14:42):
, again, that's what you know,one of the biggest things that
led me to make my decision aboutthe abortion.
But, yeah, the autoimmunedisease it has gotten.
There are points in my pastwhere it's gotten so bad Um
again with like differentmedications, or if I've been
stubborn to stop takingmedications, thinking like, oh,
I'll just, I'll be fine withoutit.
(15:03):
That does not work for me.
But, um, there's so many like,oh, I'll just, I'll be fine
without it.
That does not work for me.
But, um, there's so many likeum different like combinations
of things.
Like for a while I was takingmy medication plus Tylenol every
day and recently I've been ableto stop taking the Tylenol,
except, you know, if needed.
But there are so many just likelittle intricacies of of
medications you can take andI've tried like physical therapy
(15:25):
, like there's there's a lotthat that you have to figure out
, because you know everything.
You know different things workfor different people.
Generally, a lot of people arelike, oh, you're too young for
that and that it's somethingthat, like older folks get, and
I'm like, well, I have it and Idon't know what to tell you.
But a lot of that there are.
(15:46):
Like there are some I know atleast of like one or two of um
peers who have had it like sincethey were kids.
So there are like pediatriciansthat deal with it too.
So you know as much as it's notnecessarily a young people
thing, again, it is, it is whatit is Like.
I have it and I have to.
You know, it's myresponsibility to deal with it.
Speaker 1 (16:06):
Okay, so so you're.
You said that you're born withit, with it, and then just some
like triggers, that somethingcauses it to flare up at one
point.
Speaker 2 (16:18):
Yes, so I think that that's for me at least.
What I've learned is that it'skind of a childhood trauma,
generational thing.
I know a lot of people that'snot necessarily what the science
says, like that's not whatdoctors necessarily say, so it's
hard to it's hard to say thatconfidently.
But again, I know myself bestand I think that's where it
(16:40):
comes from, because there arelike a few I've read, I've read
about, you know as much as Icould about this, and there are.
There is at least one likedoctor, philosopher, dr Gabor
Mate, who does talk aboutmatured arthritis stems from
childhood traumas.
You know, some of the thingsdoctors will ask are is it
genetic?
Like, does anyone in yourfamily have it?
And for me, no, not necessarilylike my.
(17:02):
You know my family doesn't havea history of it.
But, um, you know, generationaltrauma doesn't just go away,
like it's not just, um,something that you know.
If your parents moved to, likemy parents said, moved to a new
country, had children, thatdoesn't mean all of a sudden
their lives became, you know,perfect it, especially in my
(17:22):
household where and many commonLatino households you don't talk
about things at all.
If things are difficult, it'stoo difficult to bring up and to
talk about, and so that hassuppressed me a lot in my
childhood and you know I didn'thave like a physically abusive
childhood or anything like that.
But I do feel able to regulatemy emotions.
(17:44):
I was never able to talk aboutthings and I'm kind of like the
black sheep of my family who I'mthe one who always, like,
wanted to talk about thosethings.
But you know, I was always themost sensitive one, the one with
, like the bigger feelings,whereas my sister, like she's
able to just forgive everything.
Move on, everyone deals withthings their own way and their
(18:17):
own way, and things do catch upwith you in their own way.
But this is me and this in myankles and my feet and wondering
like why it's hard to to walkand and things like that.
And when I got a blood test thatshowed like a high rheumatoid
count and that's kind of likewhat began my journey into, you
know, figuring out how to stopthis, one of the very first
(18:38):
medications that I tried workedlike physically worked amazingly
well, but I was starting tohave like suicidal thoughts and,
um, I had to stop that and thatwas hard because, um, some, my
first doctor didn't believe me.
She's like, no, this doesn't dothat.
Like that, that can't be it.
So that also began my journeyof like seeking multiple doctors
(19:01):
and when this one couldn't helpme, I had to find a new one.
And then, like that, you know,caused the changes in medication
, changes and you know, other,because there's always, like
side effects to the medication.
So it became this like, youknow, very complicated journey
of like what's the best doctor,what's the best medication, and
(19:23):
all of that.
Yeah, like I said, for mepersonally, I think it came from
, you know, the stress andtrauma, and I do think it works
hand in hand with your mentalhealth and your physical health.
I don't think it's a mistakethat I say, like, if you ignore
one, like it'll show up in theother way.
(19:44):
But you know, it's not that Inecessarily ignore my mental
health, but I never really, Iguess, had an outlet to express
it in a healthy way.
So it's all the stuff that I'mworking on right now, you know,
is like trying to, you know,have a doctor, a psychiatrist,
who can help me with my mentalhealth and then a rheumatologist
who helps me with my physicalhealth, and as hard as it is to,
you know, have a doctor, apsychiatrist who can help me
with my mental health, and thena rheumatologist who helps me
(20:04):
with my physical health.
And as hard as it is to, youknow, think about medication, I
thankfully just take like onepill for this, one pill for that
a day, and then I'm like that'swhat I need right now, you know
.
So as much as I like shamemyself for it or like feel
embarrassed about it, I'm likethis is what I need, this is
what will help me, so I'm worthgetting that help that I need
(20:28):
every single day.
So that's how I try to look atit.
Speaker 1 (20:31):
No, yeah, for sure, and there's only.
I definitely feel like you knowit's connected, because there's
only so much like, if you'renot pressing your emotions like
you said right, it was in yourhousehold, you weren't able to
really express yourself Likeyou're just kind of holding on
to everything.
It's going to catch up to youat some point and so, whether it
(20:53):
be physically, mentally, bothyou know everything.
I feel like everything isconnected for sure.
Speaker 2 (21:01):
Yes, yeah, I agree, and it's very difficult, like
for me with my sister's a yearand a half older and she's like,
like I said, kind of like theopposite of me.
So it's not like I ever reallyhad an example of like.
You know, this is how you dealwith your emotions, or like, if
you need to talk to me about it,talk to me about it.
I can't even talk to her aboutit because she just doesn't get
(21:22):
it, and you know it's notintentional.
But, um, you know, I rememberstruggling a lot in high school
and my mom, you know, would justbe like, oh, we'll find you a
therapist, but it never happened.
So I'm like I probably couldhave used it back then, like I
obviously like was veryemotional, like I was struggling
, um, so, yeah, I could haveused like the help a lot sooner.
(21:43):
That's like my biggest piece ofadvice, I guess, to other like
fellow Latinas, and is, like youknow, don't be ashamed of
getting help, because you knowwhat's the worst that could
happen.
But also to be able to use meas an example, like not
necessarily like a bad example,like don't let it get that bad,
but like if I can go through it,you can go through it.
(22:04):
You know I have to deal withthis and you know you can manage
it.
It's you should not.
There's no reason that youshould be struggling every day
If you can help it.
You know, like there's.
I'm, like I said, I'm trying toget like help now, especially
with the diagnosis of BPD.
Now that like kind of answers alot of questions for me about,
(22:26):
about my emotions, like since Iwas a kid, really since high
school especially like I kind ofalways had like paranoid
thoughts.
I always thought, you know, Ihad a lot of abandonment issues,
I always thought people didn'tlove me enough.
I've been struggling with thata lot recently, which is why I
went to a psychiatrist and, youknow, thinking like this is
normal, I'll get over it, likewhen good things happen, I'll be
(22:49):
fine.
But you deserve to feel goodeven when good things aren't
necessarily happening.
And you should have kind oflike this baseline of you know,
don't you shouldn't be likestuck in a hole every day like
that.
Recently that's how I had beenfeeling, especially with, you
know, everything that transpiredthis year, and so, um, you know
, now I'm taking anantidepressant and even though
(23:10):
there's no similar to RA,there's no cure for BPD, but, um
, you know there's ways tomanage it.
So, one, the very like firstthing that I'm doing right now
is getting back on on myantidepressant, which has been
super helpful because, yeah,there's, you know there's I've
noticing such a difference withyou know, my problems aren't
(23:31):
just not really solvednecessarily, but any like
loneliness, I feel anyabandonment, I feel I'm kind of
just experiencing it instead ofletting it like consume me
completely.
And I decided, you know, withstarting this new job, I'm like
I again I deserve to feel asnormal as I possibly can.
(23:52):
Like in starting a new job, I'mresponsible for providing a
good service and doing the bestthat I can.
So that you know, knowing howI've been feeling lately, of
just feeling like down, justfeeling like my normal has just
been down and upset and and allof that, I'm like I.
I need to be just like again, asnormal as I possibly can, not
(24:15):
letting myself get down ortriggered really by like every
little thing.
It's more like I want thisbaseline of feeling comfortable.
You know good things, if goodthings happen and I feel good
about them, that's great.
But yeah, I can't necessarilyjust rely on something you know
huge happening every day.
I need to have this.
I need to have just this, thisnormalcy.
(24:37):
I need to have this comfort of,of feeling, you know, like
every day is is.
You know I can breathe, youknow so.
So that's been, that's been ajourney.
Speaker 1 (24:48):
Oh yeah, definitely.
If you know you're having, ifyou're like having these bad
days every single day or likedays where you're not feeling
well, you're feeling like sad,like you know something's not
right, it's so exhausting andyou know to just live like that
and, like you said, just theimportance of like reaching out
(25:10):
for support or help or just, youknow, connecting to a therapist
, or like it's so importantbecause everyone deserves happy
life, to just be comfortable andjust be happy.
You know, every know every day.
Speaker 2 (25:23):
Yeah, that's another thing that was like a bit of a
struggle for me with with mymental health is, like in the
past, like some of thedepressive episodes that I've
had, um, I was able to kind ofjust get over it with time.
So that was like kind of my um,my like template for getting
over depression.
I'm like, oh, it just takestime.
You know, like I, I'll get overit next month and I gave myself
(25:44):
these like timelines ordeadlines, like, okay, you know
you're not crying as much, so bynext month you'll be fine, or
or whatnot.
This, you know, I always keeplike kind of like a schedule of
like upcoming things to distractme.
Like I'm going to go to thisshow, I'm going to go to this,
to this like.
But there comes a point where,like, um, you just need more
help, like it's just the honesttruth, because you know I can
(26:06):
distract myself as much as Iwant and and it helps.
You know I I'm like a hustler,like I will go out, I'll make
plans, I'll try, I'll try.
I feel like I've tried andexhausted like everything, like
when it comes to the point whereit's like debilitating because
you're doing everything in yourpower to feel better, but you
(26:26):
still feel like this emptiness,then it's not your fault.
You know what I mean.
Like you, I was like tellingthis doctor like I'm like I'm
doing everything I can, but itjust doesn't feel like enough
and I need help and and that'sokay.
Like, don't, don't, like, Idon't think you should be
draining yourself like thatevery day.
To like once in a while it'sgood to like do things to
(26:46):
distract me.
But my personal goal is like Iwant to be able to sit here on
my couch like and not feel likethis debilitating loneliness and
abandonment.
And that for me, meansmedication right now, it means
an antidepressant, and that's.
I'm saying this.
I'm like proud of myself forsaying this out loud, because
it's so hard for me to acceptlike for this, like entire year,
(27:08):
I'm like no, I don't need that.
Like no, I've done it before.
It helped me, but I only neededit for a year.
Like I don't need it anymore.
And it's like who am I tryingto prove this to?
Like all I have to do is likeprove it to myself.
You know, like, if that's whatI need and if it makes me feel
better to think, okay, it's onlyfor a year.
Whatever it is, then, fine, youneed, if you need help, you just
need that extra help.
(27:29):
It doesn't mean you're a badperson, it doesn't mean you know
you're a failure, because itdoes make me feel a little bit
like, oh damn, I couldn'tconquer it on my own.
I was, I was able to do it bymyself before, and now I can't
do it anymore.
And it's scary, I'm not goingto lie, it's very scary.
But yeah, you are worth justbeing able to live day to day
(27:53):
and you're able.
You're allowed to make mistakes, you're allowed to fail, you're
allowed to figure it out, and Ithink that's one of the biggest
lessons I'm trying to teachmyself to is like trust yourself
you know.
You know you're not.
You know you're doingeverything you can.
You know you're not a badperson.
Try to have these like positiveaffirmations instead of like
telling myself I'm a failure,like be grateful that you're.
(28:16):
You're getting the help thatyou need.
That's very important to keepin mind.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (28:22):
Yeah, and that's like a common.
I feel like that's a commontheme, I guess I don't know like
with like having to takemedications, like a lot of
people are like oh, I don't wantto take medications, Like I
don't want to be on thesemedications forever, or just
asking for help sometimes canfeel like weird or overwhelming
(28:43):
even.
But again, I feel like that'sin part due to like the way that
we grow up, and especiallyright, Like we were talking
about in Latino households, likekind of putting yourself last,
holding everything in like.
So as an adult it could be hardto like even ask for help still
(29:04):
, but definitely important.
Speaker 2 (29:07):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (29:08):
So, given with everything you know, your
experience with finding out yourRA diagnosis, you know the or
the job stuff that was going on,so definitely like a very like
overwhelming stressful moment inyour life to where you are now,
what was what happened inbetween, what kind of helped you
(29:30):
get to the point where you arenow and just having like this
different mindset abouteverything and you know like
what was it that you wouldsuggest to others or what did
you do, or what kind of happened.
Speaker 2 (29:46):
Yes, one of the first things with my physical
condition is like I had to find,I had to find what medication
works best for that.
You know, after the pregnancythere was, there were more
options available to me, so thatthat in itself was was a
difficult thing because,especially Latino culture,
(30:09):
they're like have the baby, nomatter what.
Have the baby.
It's kind of like the babybecomes priority and it's like
I'm suffering here.
So when I was able to takemyself seriously and be like
it's hard, but I deserve to feelokay throughout this Pregnancy
(30:31):
is hard enough.
I'm not going to like eye overthis.
You know that again very, verydifficult decision, but, um, I
was just in so much pain that,yeah, the first thing when I,
you know, was no longer pregnantwas I was able to take, um, a
new or more advanced medicationwhich has been helpful so far.
So that was the first thing islike my physical health, because
(30:52):
there were like times where Icould barely like get up, I
could barely get out of bed,like the physical pain was so
bad.
So that's one of the thingsthat definitely helps because
that improves your quality oflife for sure.
Like I said, with like thishustler mindset of being social.
Once it got nice, I joinedgroups like Amigas Latinas,
(31:12):
amigas y Mas.
I joined the Instagram groups,the TikTok groups, the Discord
groups to try to make as manyplans as possible.
I've been really lucky toconnect with people like
yourself and connect with otherwomen who I didn't necessarily
try to trauma dump on them, butthere are some people you
connect with and you tell themthings.
There are others where you justtalk about good things, like it
(31:34):
all feeds you know positivethings into my life to just um
socialize and um be able to getmy mind off things and and also
just build positive connections.
At the same time, like I don'tassociate like any of these
places with something bad.
I created new experiences andnew memories with them, so it
became like this good thing tolook at in my life.
(31:58):
Another thing was TikTok helpedme so much.
I was so afraid when they weretalking about banning it.
I hope it never gets bannedbecause I you just learn so much
.
Not only does your algorithmkind of you know find you in a
way, but I just you know again,I wasn't just getting like bad
things about like abortions.
(32:18):
I was getting like positiveaffirmations.
I was getting um, women whowere going through similar
things and got through them.
I was, I was getting like tarotcard readers, which I know can
be a little controversial, butfor me I took away like the
positive affirmations of it,like, um, how you know, I
deserve to, to grow, I deservegood things and I just learned
(32:40):
so much because you kind oflearned that you're definitely
not alone.
Like people either have similarexperiences or they teach you
something about theirexperiences, and not that you
should ever compare, but peoplehave gone through really bad
things and I'm really proud ofthe women who have been able to
share their journeys on TikTok.
(33:01):
People like share embarrassingstories, funny stories, past
experiences.
It just shows you we're kind ofall in this together.
And people like to joke like,oh, I've never had a unique
experience before.
We're kind of all in thistogether.
And you know, people like tojoke like oh, I've never had a
unique experience before.
Like it's kind of nice to know.
Like she's been through thisand she got through it and she's
talking about it in public andit's amazing and I learned about
(33:25):
.
Like really powerful people likethere's one girl.
People like there's um one girl, uh, jordan turpin, who many
people had seen on the news, whoescaped a very abusive family
and kind of saved her and hersiblings.
There's gypsy rose blanchard,again a very controversial
figure, but a girl who's my agewho, um, suffered munchinson by
(33:48):
proxy disease because of her mom, then was sent to prison for
eight years and now is likeliving a new life.
And, um, there's so many likeexamples that you can follow
that not necessarily you want tobe like them, but who have gone
through something difficult and, you know, have prevailed and
can teach you something.
And then you know again, not tocompare but to for you to learn
(34:13):
, you know what you want to takefrom there and and, oh, if she
can get through this, then I canget through this.
And, um, what are some of thetools that she used to get over
her personal struggle?
And maybe that's something Ican use and kind of giving
yourself these milestones oflike, okay, like, this is where
I am now, where do I want to be.
I don't necessarily journal allthe time, but when I was going
(34:35):
through like a really hard timein the winter, I would try to
write, you know, down how I wasfeeling and how I wanted to feel
six months from now how I wantto feel a year from now.
So, even like a month later,looking back on that, I was like
, oh wow, I can't believe, whenI look back, like how I was able
to change all of thesenegatives to a positive and like
(34:56):
less than six months.
So, you know, I I startedbecoming like more religious,
which I was like I really shiedaway from like in the last few
years of my life.
But it's something, you know,something that just ended up
working for me and is like avery personal journey for me and
is like a very personal journey, and so I I did try to look a
(35:17):
lot like for outside things tohelp me.
But again, more than only whichis important is where, like,
the medication and the rightmedications are able to assist
you, because, yes, I deserve tohave like a full, well rounded,
healthy life.
And, yeah, I definitely wouldsay things got better, I feel
better.
You know, things are not perfect, but definitely different and
(35:39):
my biggest, biggest hope is that, you know, by the end of this
year, by this coming winter,I'll be in a completely
different place than I was lastyear and last winter last time.
And it's really scary becausewith my anxiety.
I'm like, oh my God, what if?
What if the same thing justcycles all over again?
What if I'm in pain again?
What if this, what if that?
But you know it's myresponsibility to to look at um,
(36:02):
everything I've gone through,everything I've learned, use
every resource possible to makesure that I don't return back to
that place and that you know,even if it's like a little bit
of progress, baby steps, thatyou know I don't want to be in
pain this winter, I don't wantto be depressed this winter, I
don't want to have suicidalthoughts this winter.
(36:23):
Whatever that, you know itmeans for me to progress even a
little bit.
It's, it's worth it.
Speaker 1 (36:28):
Yes, Thank you so much for sharing some of your
story and just how you overcamea lot of these challenges and
are still overcoming right.
A lot of those challenges.
But, yeah, I agree with justeverything you said.
I feel like everyone's goingthrough something.
I feel like everyone needstherapy that's what I tell
(36:50):
people Like everyone needs atherapist Because everyone's
going through something, even ifit's something that seems small
.
Like you know, yeah, there'snever going to be like a perfect
life.
There's always going to be somekind of stress, like something.
But the important part is tothe way that you react to that
(37:15):
stress, you know, in that momentand asking for help or talking
about it, and not just likeholding everything into yourself
.
And so, yes, like we're notalone in our struggles and the
way that we're feeling, yeah,sometimes like seeing someone
else that has like a similarstory, like not so much
(37:38):
comparing yourself, like yousaid, but it kind of gives us
hope.
It kind of gives you like alittle feeling of hope and just
you know, knowing that you'reyou're not by yourself.
Speaker 2 (37:49):
Yeah, I mean there's a time where, like you know,
with other amigas and stuff inthe groups that I've joined,
where, um, I would be like Icouldn't say like the word
abortion without breaking intotears.
You know what I'm saying.
So, yeah, there are things thatdo take a little bit of time
but also take like reframing andand and medication, like I said
, and now I'm like I neverreally like pictured that I
(38:11):
would be able to talk about thisand again, like just a few
months later, I'm like it's kindof it feels to me like worth it
to talk about again because youcould be helping somebody else.
You could be someone else outthere might be struggling with
making the decision how to getthrough it.
Why am I not over it, anythinglike that?
And it's like you know, I wantto be an example to other
(38:34):
females, other women, otherLatinas, and I I want I want
people to like learn from me andyou know kind of take like the
positives of of you know whatI've been through and you know
we're here to help each other.
I think that's what alwayshelps me and and I think it's
important to kind of be thatguide for other people as well.
Speaker 1 (38:55):
Yes, Very beautifully said, thank you.
But yeah, thank you so much forcoming on to the mental health
ish podcast and, with that beingsaid, like if anyone that's
listening has a story they wouldlike to share or talk about,
you can always reach out and thewebsite for this podcast is
mentalhealthishcom.
(39:17):
So feel free to reach out.
And yeah, thank you so much.
I really appreciate your time.
It was nice talking to you.
You too, thank you so much.
Speaker 2 (39:28):
I'll talk to you soon .
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