February 10, 2025 • 12 mins
Relationships after divorce can be challenging, and reflecting on past decisions often leads to valuable life lessons. The episode emphasizes the importance of taking time for self-discovery, avoiding the rush into new relationships, and the central feelings of loneliness and longing for connection.
• Exploring post-divorce reflections on relationships
• Personal stories highlight the challenges of moving on
• The regret of rushing into dating too soon
• Importance of taking time for self-growth and healing
• Reclaiming independence after a long-term relationship
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Hi everyone, welcome back to Mental Health-ish.
I finally was able to get afull eight hours of sleep last
night, and so today I'm justfeeling like a refreshed daisy,
like I'm just like thisbeautiful flower.
I'm so puffy and so okay, thatdoesn't make sense, but anywho,
(00:21):
I'm feeling good today, so Idecided to just sit down and
record an episode with just somethings that I've been having on
my mind.
One of the things that I feelhas been sticking out for me
this past week or two isrelationships, but particularly
relationships after divorce orwhen you're like newly single
(00:45):
after a very long-termrelationship Maybe there's kids
involved, maybe there isn't andjust how crappy the dating world
is Nowadays.
You know, with phones andsocial media, I feel like people
aren't really meeting eachother like they used to.
You know, like maybe face toface or through friends or
(01:08):
whatever.
So, anyways, the dating life ishell.
But, yeah, one of the thingsthat I was thinking about lately
was one of the biggest regretsthat I have since divorce, or
like the way that I handled, youknow, the divorce and I know
I've talked about this before,but there's just a lot of little
things, little components,little things that go into like
when you're, you know, leaving along term relationship.
(01:30):
So there's a lot to it.
There's a lot of little things,but, anywho, the biggest regret
that I have after my divorceand, mind you, my relationship
was eight years, married 10years together with my ex and so
I think we started when we metwhen I was I was 16.
(01:52):
And he was 19.
So I was a baby, I was a 16year old baby, and then we ended
up getting together, I thinkwhen I was 18.
It was like when we officiallystarted dating or boyfriend,
girlfriend, and we ended upgetting married when I was 19.
(02:12):
So only a year later, wow,maybe almost two years, because
it was towards the yeah, soalmost two years later.
But I was 19 years old and Ibelieve I want to say he was
maybe 21 or 22.
So we got married super, superyoung.
So, yeah, super, super young,and then we ended up getting
(02:36):
separating, getting divorced.
I think I was 28.
And I forgot how old he was.
I don't know.
So, anywho, I was 28 at thetime.
I had just had Emma, so I had alittle baby and I forgot how
old he was.
I don't know.
So, anywho, I was 28 at the time.
I had just had Emma, so I had alittle baby and I was still
living with his family for alittle bit after everything that
happened, which I haven'tspoken about but he wasn't
living at the house anymore.
(02:57):
It was his parents' house.
So he wasn't living thereanymore.
I forgot where he was living,but I was still living at his
parents' house for a while andthis was like the first time
that I was single in like areally long time.
Like I told you guys, I wasliterally 16 when I met him and
then dating at 18.
So it was the first time that Iwas single in like forever and
(03:23):
it was a time where I was stilltrying to pretty much start over
and find myself, I guess likefind out who I was outside of
this relationship that I hadbeen in in so long.
Because throughout the yearsthat we were together, you get
together with people that's soyoung that you guys kind of grow
.
I don't know if like grow uptogether or grow apart or kind
(03:49):
of like blend into the sameperson.
I don't know if that makessense, but yeah, I was trying to
figure out who I was outside ofthis relationship, who I was
period, like I felt like Ididn't know myself.
So I started going to the gym.
I started reconnecting withfriends, I think like people
that I had known.
I was trying like that was myway.
(04:10):
I don't know.
It was a very like weird periodfor me.
But I started going to the gym.
I started talking to, I guess,guys for the first time in years
, because when I was married inmy previous relationship during
those eight, 10 years together,I cut out any type of male
friends.
He didn't like me talking toany guys.
(04:33):
He didn't like me having guyfriends and at the time I
thought that was normal.
So I completely did not haveany guy friends at all.
So I think it was the firsttime after so many years that I
was finally talking to guysagain.
And so it was kind of like aweird period for me because I
didn't know how.
I don't know if I knew how tohave guy friends, if that makes
(04:55):
sense.
So I would get attached.
I feel very quickly Like when Iwould talk to guys I would
develop crushes, which is kindof like embarrassing to say and
it's not like I was talking tolike a bunch of guys.
I just want to put that out aswell, but you know, it was
interesting.
So, anyhow, I finallyeventually moved out into my own
(05:16):
apartment and I was thriving.
I feel like that was like thebig turning point in my life
where I was finally getting myshit together, being independent
.
I had my daughter.
It was like a little onebedroom apartment, but that was
a big deal for me, becausenobody in like my family, my
brothers, like nobody has evermoved out into their own place.
(05:38):
Like like I felt like, good,you know, like I had had my own
little place.
I was going to the gym, I wasgoing to work, I had my first
like big girl career because Ihad just, you know, graduated
college and I felt likeeverything was going fine.
Now let's go back to what mybiggest regret was, because I
(05:59):
the time I remember feeling like, oh, like I was feeling good,
right, I was in my own place.
I was like, oh, I'm good, likeI'm, I'm healed, oh, I'm ready
to move on.
Like, if you know, my ex wasalready, I think, remarrying at
that time.
Like he got remarried very fast.
So I was kind of like, well, hemoved on, like he's married.
(06:23):
I was like, well, maybe I couldmove on to.
Like you know, like I feltready.
I felt like, okay, I'm healed,like I'm ready, you know, I'm
gonna start dating or whatever,or just kind of seeing what's
out there, which I did, whichsucked, but anyhow, my biggest
regret is not taking my time.
And so when you get out of thesevery long relationships
(06:48):
especially if you got into thisrelationship when you were super
young you need to give yourselftime Again.
You need to give yourself time,you need to do some work on
yourself, and I'll go into whatthat means.
But for me it meant I wish Iwould have taken my time and,
(07:09):
you know, really going totherapy, talking to someone,
processing, you know, everythingthat had happened.
Processing, you know, feelinglike I didn't know who I was
like, kind of like going back tofinding myself.
So definitely I wish I wouldhave, like, talked to a
therapist.
Another thing is I wish I wouldhave taken my time and not been
(07:31):
in a rush to get into anotherrelationship right away.
So not doing the dating, notdoing, you know, or the dating.
I mean it's okay to go on adate, maybe have fun, you know,
just get out there, but I wish Iwouldn't have been in a rush to
get into another seriousrelationship right away, if that
(07:52):
makes sense.
Because I feel like I justdidn't know how to be alone at
the time and at the time Ididn't know that I had all these
things that I needed to workthrough.
Like that came on now, yearslater, like now that I've been
in therapy, things like that,but at the time I didn't know
how to be alone and just sittingin my apartment by myself you
(08:15):
know, when Emma would go to herdad's, it would just be me
sitting in the apartment.
I did feel lonely and I wouldsometimes feel like I did have
nobody.
I would sit in my apartmentcrying, and that was the wrong
reason to want to get into arelationship.
Like you don't want to get intoa relationship because you're
afraid of being by yourself oryou don't know how and you feel
(08:40):
like you just have to havesomeone with you all the time.
And that's how I felt.
And I feel like I wish I wouldhave given myself time because,
even though I felt like I washealed and I had this apartment
and I was ready to continue andmove on and get into a
relationship, like I reallywasn't and now I can look back
(09:01):
and see that like I reallywasn't healed and so I wasn't
really thinking straight.
You know what I mean.
So, anyhow, I feel like Ijumped into the next serious
relationship right away, when Ihadn't even had time to work on
myself, work on my triggers,work on my the things you know
(09:22):
that I do in relationships, likemy unhealthy patterns, things
like that.
I hadn't worked through myattachment issues, so there was
like a lot of different thingsthat I hadn't worked through
when I was already here, youknow, jumping onto the next
relationship.
So that's like my biggestregret is not enjoying the
(09:43):
moment more, like here I was inmy apartment, not looking back,
like that was like the bestperiod of one of the best
periods of my life, basicallywhere I was.
I know I just said I was feelinglonely, but at the same time I
was feeling the happiest becauseI've had, like I finally had my
own place.
It was just me and Emma.
(10:04):
I was single.
I was like making friends, notjust with guys but with girls
too.
I met like one of my bestfriends at the gym, you know, at
that time, yeah, it was like avery good time and I wish I
would have enjoyed it morerather than trying to jump into
another relationship right away.
(10:24):
So that's one of my biggestthings, and so if you're in a
situation kind of like that, oryou're you know about to get out
of a relationship, or you justgot out, or you're thinking
about getting out of yourrelationship right now, just
remember to slow down, slow down.
You don't have to rush into thenext relationship.
(10:46):
You don't have to compare yourlife to what other people are
doing, because that was like.
Another thing for me is that Iwould go online and I would see,
you know Instagram posts fromfriends or whatever
acquaintances with engagement.
You know, I just got gotengaged, oh, I'm pregnant, I'm
expecting, or you know they'recute family pictures and I would
(11:09):
feel like, oh my gosh, like Iwant to have that.
So just remember to not compareyourself to other people's
lives too, and what they'redoing, and just enjoy yourself,
enjoy your moment and, yeah,take your time.
So let me know your thoughts ifyou can relate to this and,
yeah, thank you so much forbeing here and listening to this
(11:31):
episode.
The next episode, I do want totalk about some.
I don't want to sayrelationship red flags, but
dating as a single mom, likejust some things that you need
to watch out for.
So make sure to come back forthat, make sure to subscribe and
listen to all of the olderepisodes.
(11:52):
I also have mental health blogson my website,
mentalhealthishcom.
Follow me on all socials and,yeah, I hope you guys come back
and listen to the next episode.
My voice is pretty much goneright now and I've only been
talking for a few minutes, butthat's how I know that I'm still
sick and I'm still not 100%recovered, because my voice
(12:14):
sounds so congested in a way andso sore and raspy.
But yeah, thank you guys, ifyou listened up to this point
and you endured my little raspyvoice.
I appreciate you.
Hi everyone, welcome back to Mental Health-ish.
I finally was able to get afull eight hours of sleep last
night, and so today I'm justfeeling like a refreshed daisy,
like I'm just like thisbeautiful flower.
I'm so puffy and so okay, thatdoesn't make sense, but anywho,
(00:21):
I'm feeling good today, so Idecided to just sit down and
record an episode with just somethings that I've been having on
my mind.
One of the things that I feelhas been sticking out for me
this past week or two isrelationships, but particularly
relationships after divorce orwhen you're like newly single
(00:45):
after a very long-termrelationship Maybe there's kids
involved, maybe there isn't andjust how crappy the dating world
is Nowadays.
You know, with phones andsocial media, I feel like people
aren't really meeting eachother like they used to.
You know, like maybe face toface or through friends or
(01:08):
whatever.
So, anyways, the dating life ishell.
But, yeah, one of the thingsthat I was thinking about lately
was one of the biggest regretsthat I have since divorce, or
like the way that I handled, youknow, the divorce and I know
I've talked about this before,but there's just a lot of little
things, little components,little things that go into like
when you're, you know, leaving along term relationship.
(01:30):
So there's a lot to it.
There's a lot of little things,but, anywho, the biggest regret
that I have after my divorceand, mind you, my relationship
was eight years, married 10years together with my ex and so
I think we started when we metwhen I was I was 16.
(01:52):
And he was 19.
So I was a baby, I was a 16year old baby, and then we ended
up getting together, I thinkwhen I was 18.
It was like when we officiallystarted dating or boyfriend,
girlfriend, and we ended upgetting married when I was 19.
(02:12):
So only a year later, wow,maybe almost two years, because
it was towards the yeah, soalmost two years later.
But I was 19 years old and Ibelieve I want to say he was
maybe 21 or 22.
So we got married super, superyoung.
So, yeah, super, super young,and then we ended up getting
(02:36):
separating, getting divorced.
I think I was 28.
And I forgot how old he was.
I don't know.
So, anywho, I was 28 at thetime.
I had just had Emma, so I had alittle baby and I forgot how
old he was.
I don't know.
So, anywho, I was 28 at the time.
I had just had Emma, so I had alittle baby and I was still
living with his family for alittle bit after everything that
happened, which I haven'tspoken about but he wasn't
living at the house anymore.
(02:57):
It was his parents' house.
So he wasn't living thereanymore.
I forgot where he was living,but I was still living at his
parents' house for a while andthis was like the first time
that I was single in like areally long time.
Like I told you guys, I wasliterally 16 when I met him and
then dating at 18.
So it was the first time that Iwas single in like forever and
(03:23):
it was a time where I was stilltrying to pretty much start over
and find myself, I guess likefind out who I was outside of
this relationship that I hadbeen in in so long.
Because throughout the yearsthat we were together, you get
together with people that's soyoung that you guys kind of grow
.
I don't know if like grow uptogether or grow apart or kind
(03:49):
of like blend into the sameperson.
I don't know if that makessense, but yeah, I was trying to
figure out who I was outside ofthis relationship, who I was
period, like I felt like Ididn't know myself.
So I started going to the gym.
I started reconnecting withfriends, I think like people
that I had known.
I was trying like that was myway.
(04:10):
I don't know.
It was a very like weird periodfor me.
But I started going to the gym.
I started talking to, I guess,guys for the first time in years
, because when I was married inmy previous relationship during
those eight, 10 years together,I cut out any type of male
friends.
He didn't like me talking toany guys.
(04:33):
He didn't like me having guyfriends and at the time I
thought that was normal.
So I completely did not haveany guy friends at all.
So I think it was the firsttime after so many years that I
was finally talking to guysagain.
And so it was kind of like aweird period for me because I
didn't know how.
I don't know if I knew how tohave guy friends, if that makes
(04:55):
sense.
So I would get attached.
I feel very quickly Like when Iwould talk to guys I would
develop crushes, which is kindof like embarrassing to say and
it's not like I was talking tolike a bunch of guys.
I just want to put that out aswell, but you know, it was
interesting.
So, anyhow, I finallyeventually moved out into my own
(05:16):
apartment and I was thriving.
I feel like that was like thebig turning point in my life
where I was finally getting myshit together, being independent
.
I had my daughter.
It was like a little onebedroom apartment, but that was
a big deal for me, becausenobody in like my family, my
brothers, like nobody has evermoved out into their own place.
(05:38):
Like like I felt like, good,you know, like I had had my own
little place.
I was going to the gym, I wasgoing to work, I had my first
like big girl career because Ihad just, you know, graduated
college and I felt likeeverything was going fine.
Now let's go back to what mybiggest regret was, because I
(05:59):
the time I remember feeling like, oh, like I was feeling good,
right, I was in my own place.
I was like, oh, I'm good, likeI'm, I'm healed, oh, I'm ready
to move on.
Like, if you know, my ex wasalready, I think, remarrying at
that time.
Like he got remarried very fast.
So I was kind of like, well, hemoved on, like he's married.
(06:23):
I was like, well, maybe I couldmove on to.
Like you know, like I feltready.
I felt like, okay, I'm healed,like I'm ready, you know, I'm
gonna start dating or whatever,or just kind of seeing what's
out there, which I did, whichsucked, but anyhow, my biggest
regret is not taking my time.
And so when you get out of thesevery long relationships
(06:48):
especially if you got into thisrelationship when you were super
young you need to give yourselftime Again.
You need to give yourself time,you need to do some work on
yourself, and I'll go into whatthat means.
But for me it meant I wish Iwould have taken my time and,
(07:09):
you know, really going totherapy, talking to someone,
processing, you know, everythingthat had happened.
Processing, you know, feelinglike I didn't know who I was
like, kind of like going back tofinding myself.
So definitely I wish I wouldhave, like, talked to a
therapist.
Another thing is I wish I wouldhave taken my time and not been
(07:31):
in a rush to get into anotherrelationship right away.
So not doing the dating, notdoing, you know, or the dating.
I mean it's okay to go on adate, maybe have fun, you know,
just get out there, but I wish Iwouldn't have been in a rush to
get into another seriousrelationship right away, if that
(07:52):
makes sense.
Because I feel like I justdidn't know how to be alone at
the time and at the time Ididn't know that I had all these
things that I needed to workthrough.
Like that came on now, yearslater, like now that I've been
in therapy, things like that,but at the time I didn't know
how to be alone and just sittingin my apartment by myself you
(08:15):
know, when Emma would go to herdad's, it would just be me
sitting in the apartment.
I did feel lonely and I wouldsometimes feel like I did have
nobody.
I would sit in my apartmentcrying, and that was the wrong
reason to want to get into arelationship.
Like you don't want to get intoa relationship because you're
afraid of being by yourself oryou don't know how and you feel
(08:40):
like you just have to havesomeone with you all the time.
And that's how I felt.
And I feel like I wish I wouldhave given myself time because,
even though I felt like I washealed and I had this apartment
and I was ready to continue andmove on and get into a
relationship, like I reallywasn't and now I can look back
(09:01):
and see that like I reallywasn't healed and so I wasn't
really thinking straight.
You know what I mean.
So, anyhow, I feel like Ijumped into the next serious
relationship right away, when Ihadn't even had time to work on
myself, work on my triggers,work on my the things you know
(09:22):
that I do in relationships, likemy unhealthy patterns, things
like that.
I hadn't worked through myattachment issues, so there was
like a lot of different thingsthat I hadn't worked through
when I was already here, youknow, jumping onto the next
relationship.
So that's like my biggestregret is not enjoying the
(09:43):
moment more, like here I was inmy apartment, not looking back,
like that was like the bestperiod of one of the best
periods of my life, basicallywhere I was.
I know I just said I was feelinglonely, but at the same time I
was feeling the happiest becauseI've had, like I finally had my
own place.
It was just me and Emma.
(10:04):
I was single.
I was like making friends, notjust with guys but with girls
too.
I met like one of my bestfriends at the gym, you know, at
that time, yeah, it was like avery good time and I wish I
would have enjoyed it morerather than trying to jump into
another relationship right away.
(10:24):
So that's one of my biggestthings, and so if you're in a
situation kind of like that, oryou're you know about to get out
of a relationship, or you justgot out, or you're thinking
about getting out of yourrelationship right now, just
remember to slow down, slow down.
You don't have to rush into thenext relationship.
(10:46):
You don't have to compare yourlife to what other people are
doing, because that was like.
Another thing for me is that Iwould go online and I would see,
you know Instagram posts fromfriends or whatever
acquaintances with engagement.
You know, I just got gotengaged, oh, I'm pregnant, I'm
expecting, or you know they'recute family pictures and I would
(11:09):
feel like, oh my gosh, like Iwant to have that.
So just remember to not compareyourself to other people's
lives too, and what they'redoing, and just enjoy yourself,
enjoy your moment and, yeah,take your time.
So let me know your thoughts ifyou can relate to this and,
yeah, thank you so much forbeing here and listening to this
(11:31):
episode.
The next episode, I do want totalk about some.
I don't want to sayrelationship red flags, but
dating as a single mom, likejust some things that you need
to watch out for.
So make sure to come back forthat, make sure to subscribe and
listen to all of the olderepisodes.
(11:52):
I also have mental health blogson my website,
mentalhealthishcom.
Follow me on all socials and,yeah, I hope you guys come back
and listen to the next episode.
My voice is pretty much goneright now and I've only been
talking for a few minutes, butthat's how I know that I'm still
sick and I'm still not 100%recovered, because my voice
(12:14):
sounds so congested in a way andso sore and raspy.
But yeah, thank you guys, ifyou listened up to this point
and you endured my little raspyvoice.
I appreciate you.
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