The Pressure to be the Parent You Never Had

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The moment I held my daughter for the first time, my heart felt like it would burst with love. That powerful experience became the catalyst for my healing journey, highlighting a painful question: why wasn't my own mother ever affectionate with me? 

Parenting after experiencing childhood neglect creates a complex emotional landscape where many of us find ourselves overcompensating and desperately trying to give our children everything we lacked. This affects countless parents who are working to break generational patterns while healing themselves.

If you recognize yourself in this struggle, know you're not alone. Share this episode with other parents navigating similar challenges, and subscribe for more conversations about the messy, beautiful work of healing while parenting. Breaking cycles is hard but worthy work, and we're in this together.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hello everyone, welcome back to Mental
Health-ish.
It's been a month since I lastrecorded an episode and I think
at this point the podcast ispretty much a monthly episode
type of thing until furthernotice.
But yeah, I wanted to hop onhere and talk about something
that I feel that isn't talkedabout a lot, that I experience a

(00:23):
lot and it's like a constantthing for me, like no matter you
know how much I talk about itor I go to therapy for it.
I feel like it's something thata lot of people may experience,
but I don't really see muchinformation about it or much
about like online about thistopic.

(00:45):
But anyhow, I wanted to talkabout overcompensating as a
parent or mom.
In my experience I'm a mom,overcompensating as a mom after
experiencing childhood neglect.
So let me explain.
I feel like ever since I becamea mom and let me know if you

(01:06):
relate to this but when youbecome a parent, it's like one
of the most healing experiencesever.
Like if you experiencechildhood neglect or trauma, you
know, related to your own momgrowing up, when you become a
mom yourself, I feel like that'slike the most healing thing

(01:28):
ever Because it really makes youstart thinking about your own
experience as a child, growingup and your own relationship
with your mom places things thatwere lacking memories.
Everything just comes up as youstart having your own
experience with your own kid.
So definitely I feel like when Ihad Emma is when a lot of my

(01:52):
healing journey kind of startedwith my relationship with my mom
, because I started to realizelike I have so much love for
Emma as a mom.
She literally the moment I gavebirth to her.
I would describe it like myheart felt like it was going to
burst.
It was like it's a love thatyou just can't even explain, the

(02:16):
love that you have as a mom foryour child.
It's just a different type oflove and I remember just I love
her.
It's just a very strong love.
I'm very affectionate towardsher.
I'm always, you know, givingher hugs, kisses.
I'm telling her I love her,like I've always been that way
towards her, and so I thinkthat's the first time that it

(02:37):
really started to hit me is likewhy was my mom never that way
towards me?
Why was my mom never that waytowards me?
Like I have no memories rightof her telling me that she loves
me, her giving me hugs, likejust doing all the things that I
do for Emma and the way that Ifeel towards Emma.
I didn't have those memorieswith my own relationship with my

(02:59):
mom.
So I think that was the firsttime that I really started to
think about that and it reallykind of hit me, I guess, in a
way of just really like the lackof relationship that we we
always just we never really hada close relationship and she
never said nice things to me,you know, or I love you, or

(03:20):
anything like that, you oranything like that.
And so, yeah, I think havingkids really puts everything into
perspective because, like Isaid, you really start thinking
about your own experiences as achild and that could be
dangerous.
You know, that could bedangerous because and I'll speak
for my experience for me Ialways feel like I'm

(03:42):
overcompensating for the thingsthat I didn't have growing up.
To make sure that Emma has thosethings and that Emma feels the
love, you know, whatever, I feellike I kind of like overdo it
sometimes.
I don't know if that's evenpossible as a parent and if you
understand what I'm talkingabout, let me know, but I do.

(04:07):
I do feel like sometimes youput so much pressure on yourself
to want to do better as a momand to want your kids to have a
different childhood experiencethan the one that you did.
And sometimes you just overdoit or it kind of feels like
you're overdoing it and youdon't allow yourself to take any
breaks or do anythingdifferently.

(04:27):
Like it's just, like I don'teven know if I'm explaining it
right, but it's just a lot ofpressure.
It's a lot of pressure that weput on ourselves, so it's not
even coming from any outsidersor anything, but we just put it
on ourselves.
Like I have this bigresponsibility to make sure that
my child has a differentexperience that I did and it

(04:52):
could be exhausting.
It could be exhausting becauseeven, like for summer, the
summer break is coming to aclose soon, emma goes back to
school in three weeks.
But just as an example, likeeven for summer breaks, like I
feel like a big pressure, a bigamount of pressure to like do
things with her, but like overlydo things with her and make

(05:15):
sure that she has fun.
Like you know, sometimes I dotoo much or I feel pressured,
like I put too much pressure onmyself.
So overcompensating I guess youcould call it as a parent can
show up in many different ways,many different ways, and it's

(05:40):
really the wanting to providewhat you felt was lacking in
your own childhood to your kid.
And so some of the ways that itcould show up is like
overindulgence, right, providingexcessive material things or
privileges to your kids in orderfor them to be happy, or in
attempts to make them happy orto compensate for, like your own

(06:00):
past experiences.
So maybe buying them right,like, oh, I'm going to buy my
daughter the toys that I didn'thave growing up.
You know, I never had any dolls, I never had any toys, you know
, whatever.
And so now, like you overdo itand like you're just
overindulging them with, likethese material things, which I

(06:24):
definitely did a lot Like whenEmma was a baby, when she was
younger, her room was likeconstantly full of toys, like it
was.
It looked like a kid'shoarder's room, like the same
doll and like different outfits,like type of thing, like it was
like the same toy in differentstyles, like a bunch of toys,
like anything she wanted.
I would do so.

(06:46):
I had to really stop myself.
But that's one example.
Another one is constantavailability, always being
present for your child to thepoint where you neglect your own
needs and boundaries, solacking a lot of personal time
for yourself, being there foryour kid.
Obviously that's a good thinglike being there for your kid,

(07:08):
you know, nobody's saying don'tdo that but when it gets to the
point where you're not takingcare of yourself and there are
no boundaries, then that couldbe an issue.
That could become an issue.
Another way it could show up isfear of discipline, and so not
disciplining your kids, avoidingany type of discipline or

(07:31):
boundary, setting out of fearthat your child will feel
neglected or unloved Okay, sothat's important.
So you're afraid that your kidwill hate you, you're okay.
You're afraid that your kidwill feel the way that you felt
towards your own mom or parent,and so you don't discipline, you
don't set any boundaries,because you don't want them to

(07:53):
feel that way.
Another way it could show up isbeing emotionally overprotective
.
So shielding your kid from anytype of discomfort, hardship,
which can prevent them fromdeveloping resilience and coping
skills so that's a big one, forsure is like not wanting your

(08:14):
child to be hurt or put insituations where they feel any
kind of hurt or discomfort, likeyou just want them to be happy
all the time.
You don't want them to feel bad, disappointed at all in any
type of situation, things likethat.
So that's something that I'mstill kind of working on, even

(08:37):
with my own daughter, with Emma,because if anybody makes her
feel sad or like any type oflike uncomfortable feeling, like
if I get the vibe that they'redoing that I get so upset, like
I get in full like mama mode andlike I feel like I would
literally fight someone type ofthing Like that angers me a lot.

(08:59):
Like to have her feel any kindof way that isn't positive.
But I know that I can't shieldher from that, for, like,
sometimes it's it's okay, likeit's okay for her to learn that
these feelings, although theymight feel unpleasant, like it's
completely normal, and so Icould see that that being an

(09:20):
area, for sure, where we may tryto overcompensate as parents.
I already talked about self-care, like focusing too much on your
child's needs that you neglectyour own well-being.
Another way it could show up islike not being able to let go,
so struggling to allow yourchildren, your kid, to

(09:41):
experience any kind ofindependence, hovering over them
, right, micromanaging theiractivities, that type of thing,
and seeking constant approvalfrom your kids.
So looking for validation fromyour kids for your choices, your
parenting choices, which cancreate kind of like a dependency

(10:04):
cycle, right?
So, yeah, these are alldifferent examples of how it
could show up like justovercompensating as a parent.
And so how do we create like amore balanced, a more balanced
and healthy, I feel, parentingapproach for our kids, for

(10:26):
ourselves, right?
So I think the first one isrecognizing your patterns, like
if it is something that younotice, or as I was, like
telling you these things likesomething that you relate to,
like start noticing, like arethere any patterns?
And, yeah, from that you couldstart making some choices, I

(10:49):
feel.
But I think setting boundariesfor sure is like a big one, like
setting boundaries with yourkids and allowing them to learn
more independence, like be alittle more independent, have a
little more responsibilities,which is something that I'm
starting to do now with mydaughter.
She's eight years old, nowabout to be nine, and so I'm

(11:11):
really starting to like assignher more chores, you know, like
just really teach her more likeindependence and responsibility,
focusing on like quality andnot quantity.
So, instead of trying to doeverything for your child, focus
on creating meaningful momentstogether, spending meaningful
moments together, so meaningfulmoments over like excessive.

(11:35):
You know, quality of time beingspent, practice your own
self-care, take care of yourself, your own emotional, physical
needs and seeking support.
I feel obviously, like if it'ssomething that you feel like you
need more support, connectingwith a therapist, joining a
support group and talking toother people that maybe have

(11:56):
like similar experiences to you.
But I think the biggest one isjust embracing and perfection.
So understanding that no parentis perfect, so there's no
perfect parent.
So there's no perfect parent.
And just because your parentwas one type of way with you, or

(12:16):
neglectful or whatever, likethat doesn't mean that you are
the same person that they are.
You're a completely differentperson.
You're having a completelydifferent experience.
Like just because your parentwas that way doesn't mean that
you are, and allowing yourselfto make mistakes and learning
from them is going to beimportant.

(12:37):
Like you're not going to beperfect all the time, right, but
yeah, it's very tiring.
It's very tiring.
So make sure to take breaks andallow yourself to relax, allow
yourself to say no sometimes,like that's another one is like
you don't have to say yes allthe time, even to your kids,

(12:58):
like you can say no and set someboundaries for your time.
I think, obviously, you're notneglecting.
I'm not saying that, but justremembering to take time for
yourself and take care ofyourself as well.
For yourself and take care ofyourself as well.
But I know it's so complicatedbeing a parent after

(13:18):
experiencing any kind ofchildhood trauma yourself or
neglect.
It can be tricky, it's hard tonavigate sometimes, but we're in
this together y'all.
But, yeah, thank you guys fortuning into this episode.
Please remember to subscribeand share with any other parents

(13:40):
or mommy that you feel wouldrelate.
But, yeah, check out all theprevious episodes and thank you
so much for listening.
Remember to subscribe and likeand follow my social medias,
thank you.