March 10, 2025 • 15 mins
Click to text me what you got out of this episode.
Have you ever heard someone say, "I'm setting a boundary," but it feels more like they're avoiding a hard conversation? Or maybe you've seen the word "trauma" used to describe everything from a bad breakup to a stressful day at work? Therapy language has made its way into everyday conversation, but are we always using it correctly? In this episode, we break down how therapy speak—words meant to help us heal—can sometimes keep us stuck.
We'll explore the four biggest ways therapy language gets misused and what that actually means for your mental health. Plus, we'll dig into how real therapy should challenge you—not just comfort you—and why growth doesn’t happen in an echo chamber of self-validation.
Guest Information
- Guest Name: Reverend Geneece Goertzen
- Bio: Rev. Geneece Goertzen is a national expert on domestic violence, researcher, and author. She provides critical insights into gaslighting and manipulation in abusive relationships and has published books to help people identify red flags.
- Links:
Episode Outline
1. The Rise of Therapy Speak
- How psychological terms have entered everyday conversation through social media.
- The pros and cons of using therapy language in casual discussions.
2. Four Common Misuses of Therapy Speak
- Boundaries: When setting a boundary is actually avoiding accountability.
- Trauma: The difference between real trauma and difficult life experiences.
- Toxic Relationships: When normal conflict gets mislabeled as dysfunction.
- Gaslighting: What it actually means (and what it doesn’t).
3. Social Media’s Role in Misinformation
- A study found that 85% of mental health advice on TikTok is misleading, and nearly 75% of trauma-related content is inaccurate.
- How therapists are navigating these challenges in sessions.
4. Therapy Language in the Therapy Room
- How words like "trauma" and "boundaries" function in actual therapy.
- Why therapists ask deeper questions instead of taking labels at face value.
5. Moving Forward: Using Therapy Language for Growth
- Tips for avoiding mislabeling experiences and fostering real self-awareness.
- How to use these terms as conversation starters, not conversation enders.
Host Name: Danny Clark
About Danny Clark
Danny Clark is a licensed clinical social worker and family therapist based in Houston, Texas. As the founder of Texas Insight Center, he specializes in helping individuals, couples, and families navigate mental health challenges with practical, evidence-based approaches.
💡 Is therapy right for you? Let’s talk. If you’re struggling with stress or emotional regulation or just want to explore healthier coping strategies, reach out for a consultation. Visit www.texasinsightcenter.com to learn more and schedule a session.
📩 Have a question or topic suggestion? Send it to danny@texasinsightcenter.com
You can also follow me on Instagram @texasinsightcenter or visit my webpage at texasinsightcenter.com
Join the conversation! Share your key takeaways
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Danny (00:01):
Okay, here's a question Do you, or someone you know that
is not a therapist, use what wewould call therapy speak?
They describe or justify theirexperiences with words like
boundaries, gaslighting ortrauma, or they speak of
themselves in relation to adiagnosis.
Well, what if I told you thattherapy speak, the same language
that helps us heal, might alsobe the very thing keeping us
(00:22):
stuck, that the words we use toexplain our pain could also be
the words we use to excuseourselves from growth?
Because, let's be real,sometimes we're not setting a
boundary, we're dodging anuncomfortable conversation,
we're not being cashless.
We just don't like being toldwe're wrong.
And not everything we gothrough is trauma.
Sometimes it's just life beinghard.
(00:43):
And when therapy speak getsdistorted, it stops being a tool
for growth and becomes a shieldwe use to dodge responsibility
or, worse, to manipulate thepeople around us.
So today we're asking the hardquestions Are you or someone you
know misusing therapy languageto avoid accountability?
(01:03):
Welcome to Mental Health Potluck, where everyone brings
something to the table.
I'm Danny Clark, licensedclinical social worker and
family therapist, and thispodcast is all about serving a
bite-sized mental healthinsights, practical wellness
tips and real conversations thatnourish the mind and soul.
Today, we're breaking down thefour biggest ways therapy speak
gets misused and what thatactually means for your mental
(01:25):
health.
But, more importantly, we'regoing to talk about how therapy
actually works and why realtherapy should challenge you,
not just comfort you.
Because here's the truth growthdoesn't happen in an echo
chamber of self-validation.
It happens when you'rechallenged, when you're
(01:50):
challenged.
So therapy speak refers to thisuse of psychological terms
often borrowed from therapy ineveryday conversation.
These words and phrases,originally intended for clinical
settings, have made their wayinto mainstream culture, often
through social media, self-helpbooks and pop psychology.
At its best, therapyy Speak canhelp people express their
emotions more clearly, sethealthy boundaries and
understand their mental health.
Not too long ago, therapy wassomething you only talked about
(02:11):
in private, if you even talkedabout it at all.
But now Therapy Speak iseverywhere, and for the most
part, that's a good thing.
We've normalized theconversations about mental
health, we've given people wordsto describe their experiences
and we've encouragedself-awareness.
But here's the problem Wordswithout context can be really
dangerous.
Social media has been a hugedriver of this shift.
(02:33):
Mental health advice iseverywhere TikTok, instagram,
twitter and people are pickingup on psychological concepts
faster than ever.
But the issue is they're oftenlearning just enough to sound
informed, without enough depthto actually understand what
they're saying.
For example, a study analyzingmental health content on TikTok
found that nearly 85% of advicewas misleading and 15% was
(02:55):
actively harmful.
What may be even moreconcerning is that for issues
related to personality disorders, depression and anxiety were
accurate only half the time.
Disorders, depression andanxiety were accurate only half
the time, and for informationabout trauma, nearly 75% of the
information reviewed wasinaccurate and potentially
damaging.
That means millions of peopleare being exposed to inaccurate
(03:15):
or outright wrong information.
For therapists like myself,working around misinformation
can be rather challenging.
I've had clients walk intosessions already convinced that
they know what's wrong with thembecause they saw a 30-second
video diagnosing their symptoms,and if I challenge that well,
I'm just invalidating theirlived experience.
(03:37):
This puts therapists in a toughposition.
Do we spend entire sessionsuntangling bad psychology
provided by TikTok influencers,or do we just nod along and hope
for the best?
Do we spend entire sessionsuntangling bad psychology
provided by TikTok influencers,or do we just nod along and hope
for the best?
Now I can't speak for alltherapists, but the rise of
TherapySpeak and EverydayConversations has made me more
aware of four major distortionson therapy terms.
One of the most commondistortions that I see is around
(03:58):
boundaries.
Boundaries are a necessary partof healthy relationships.
They help define what we areand aren't comfortable with and
they protect our emotionalwell-being.
But more and more I'm seeingboundaries being used not as a
way to maintain personalwell-being, but as a way to shut
people down and avoidaccountability.
I'll give you an example.
I had a client once tell methat they set a boundary with
(04:19):
their friend.
When I asked what they meantthey said, I told them I wasn't
going to talk about my mistakesin the relationship anymore
because it was too triggering.
That's not a boundary.
That's a way to silence someonewho's holding you accountable.
Boundaries aren't aboutcontrolling others.
They're about defining your ownlimits.
If you're using them to avoidtough conversations, you're
avoiding discomfort.
(04:52):
Another term that's oftendistorted is when people talk
about self-diagnosing trauma.
Trauma is real and for thosewho have experienced it, the
impact is profound.
Understanding and addressingtrauma in therapy is essential
for healing, but lately the wordtrauma is being used so broadly
that any difficult emotionalexperience is sometimes labeled
as traumatic.
This doesn't mean people aren'tstruggling.
They absolutely are, butthere's a difference between
(05:12):
facing a painful challenge andexperiencing trauma that
fundamentally alters one's senseof safety and well-being.
When we expand the definitiontoo far, it can unintentionally
minimize the experiences ofthose who have endured serious
emotional and physical distress.
Acknowledging the differencedoesn't mean dismissing pain.
It means making sure we respondin ways that truly fits the
(05:33):
experience.
A third way that therapy speakhas become a bit problematic is
with over-pathologizingrelationship conflict.
There is no limit to the waythat relationships can be toxic,
abusive or unhealthy, andrecognizing these patterns is
very important.
(05:53):
But somewhere along the waywe've started treating all
relationship struggles asevidence of dysfunction instead
of seeing them as normal partsof human interaction.
I see this often A friend mightcancel plans and suddenly
they're being narcissistic.
A partner needs space during anargument and suddenly they're
emotionally unavailable.
Of course, some behaviors dosignal deep relationship issues,
(06:14):
but not every disagreement,boundary or misunderstanding is
a red flag.
Sometimes it's just conflict,and learning to navigate
conflict rather than immediatelylabeling it as toxic is an
important part of healthyrelationships.
And then there's gaslighting.
Gaslighting is a form ofpsychological manipulation where
(06:37):
someone makes you doubt yourreality, but lately people have
been using the term for justabout any situation where they
feel invalidated.
If someone tells you I don'tremember saying that, that's not
gaslighting, that's adisagreement in memory.
If someone offers a differentperspective, that's not
manipulation.
Rev. Geneece Goertzen (07:08):
That's conversation that continually
wears the person down and youkind of feel like you're in this
mind fog the whole time becauseyou're not even sure if what
you're thinking or saying ordoing is reality.
Danny (07:20):
Reverend Geneece Goertzen is an expert on domestic
violence and has publishedresearch and presented on this
topic nationwide.
Rev. Geneece Goertzen (07:27):
I believe that probably also goes into
that pattern of things that yousee, when something crosses the
line from random, occasionalbehaviors to abusive behavior,
we often say it's the pattern ofongoing behaviors that crosses
that line into abuse that thingsdo just don't get better, they
get worse.
(07:47):
And I think that gaslighting isprobably the same.
It's not just a one-off, it'snot a random happening on
occasion.
It is a continual pattern ofmaking sure that you are small
in the relationship.
The other person has all powerand authority and this confusion
(08:08):
, this mind fog, thismanipulation, this making you
doubt yourself that you don'teven really think you are who
you thought you were anymore.
That's, I think, where itcrosses the line.
It's ongoing and pervasive.
Danny (08:24):
She recently released the book Taking it Seriously A
Faith Leader's Guide to DomesticViolence that focuses on ways
clergy can address and respondto domestic violence within
their congregations.
Rev. Geneece Goertzen (08:34):
Taking it seriously, is something of a
reference guide for people offaith, clergy people, even lay
leaders in congregationalsettings to respond to the issue
of domestic violence.
What I have found in myresearch is that most people who
either are staffed in church orwork with the youth or teach a
(08:55):
Sunday school class or lead asmall group, they don't have any
kind of training on domesticviolence, which means if someone
comes to them with a disclosurehey, I'm being abused that they
don't know how to respond inhelpful ways, and so I wrote
this book in order to improvethat response, so that the
church becomes a helpful ratherthan a hurtful entity.
Danny (09:17):
Janice has also published a helpful tool for people to
recognize red flags inrelationships called Never Ever
After.
This book is a relatable way tobetter identify situations
where gaslighting is actuallyoccurring.
Rev. Geneece Goertzen (09:29):
So Never Ever After is kind of written to
my younger self.
So I was in decades of abusiveor domestic violence
relationships, so this issomething I wish I had had when
I were younger.
Maybe if someone had taught meto recognize red flags, I would
have been safer and not ended upwhere I did.
(09:51):
So in the book, one of the redflags that I discuss is
gaslighting, and there areseveral bullet points with
gaslighting, but one of them isquestions of sanity or reality,
and this is something thathappened to me on multiple
occasions where he would denythings that he did, and he was
so loud and insistent that hisway was the right way.
(10:12):
And this isn't just a matter ofdifference of opinion.
This is a matter of questioningproof that I had that something
had happened a certain way, andhe would say it had happened
another way, and he was willingto make my life miserable in
order to get his way.
In that situation, I thought Iwas going crazy for years until
I realized what was going on.
(10:33):
Gaslighting only works when thevictim isn't aware of what's
going on right, so that you'rebeing manipulated in this
scenario, because years later,if you become alert to the
pattern and you realize whatgaslighting is.
You've gotten some educationabout domestic violence or
manipulative tactics, then youcan combat what someone's
(10:54):
telling you.
You start to realize that whatthey're saying is a lie, that
it's not the truth.
You might be able to go get theproof that it's wrong and
suddenly realize the gaslightingdoesn't work anymore, not in
the same way.
Danny (11:18):
Okay, so we've talked about how therapy language has
made its way into everydayconversations, sometimes in ways
to help, sometimes in ways thatkeep people stuck.
But let's take a step back andask how did these words actually
function in therapy?
Because in the therapy room,words like trauma, boundaries,
gaslighting and toxic aren'tjust labels.
We use them as tools forunderstanding, processing and
(11:40):
creating change.
Take boundaries, for example,outside of therapy, people often
use quote-unquote setting aboundary as a way to justify
cutting someone off or avoidingdiscomfort.
But in therapy, boundariesaren't about control or shutting
people out.
They're about communicatingneeds, setting expectations and
maintaining healthyrelationships, while staying
connected when possible.
(12:01):
If a client says I set aboundary, a therapist is likely
to ask how did you communicatethat boundary?
What outcome are you hoping for?
Because a true boundary isn'tjust an action.
It's an ongoing conversation,or trauma, a word that, in
therapy, has a very specificmeaning.
We don't use it to describeevery difficult moment in
someone's life.
Instead, we explore whether anexperience disrupted a person's
(12:25):
sense of safety, shaped theircore beliefs or left them in a
prolonged state of emotionaldistress.
The goal isn't just to nametrauma.
It's to help clients process itin a way that allows them to
heal, not remain defined by it.
And then there's gaslighting,which, in therapy, isn't just
about someone making you feelbad.
It's a form of psychologicalmanipulation that causes a
(12:46):
person to doubt their ownreality.
A therapist doesn't just takethe word at face value.
They're going to explore thepatterns.
Do you feel consistentlyundermined?
A person to doubt their ownreality?
A therapist doesn't just takethe word at face value, they're
going to explore the patterns.
Do you feel consistentlyundermined?
Are you being manipulated or isthere simply a conflict in
perspective?
Therapy helps peopledifferentiate between unhealthy
dynamics and normal relationalstruggles, because not every
(13:06):
disagreement is an attempt todistort someone's reality.
So if these words show up insessions, they're not
conversation enders, they'reconversation starters.
Therapy isn't about applying alabel and moving on.
It's about going deeper,questioning assumptions and
finding a way to move forward,because, at the end of the day,
therapy isn't about justunderstanding our experiences,
(13:29):
it's about how we transform them.
So what's the solution?
Well, therapy language is meantto help us heal and grow, not
just give us fancy words toexplain why we feel the way we
do.
So how do we make sure we'reactually using these terms in
(13:50):
ways that move us forward.
Well, first we need to slowdown before throwing out therapy
buzzwords.
It's easy to say something istrauma or that we set a boundary
, but before we do, it's worthtaking a second to ask do I
actually understand what thismeans?
Am I using it in a way thathelps me reflect, or am I just
using it because it makes myemotions feel more justified?
(14:10):
The language we use matters,and when we reach for these
terms too quickly, we riskmislabeling what's happening
instead of really understandingit.
Another important shift isbeing willing to ask what's my
role in this?
If every story we tell about ourlives paints us as either the
hero or the victim, there'sprobably something we're missing
.
When someone says they've hadto set boundaries with everyone
(14:32):
in their lives, or that everyonearound them is toxic, it's
worth pausing and asking what'sthe common denominator here?
This doesn't mean blamingyourself, but real
self-awareness requires lookingat patterns, not just pointing
at problems.
So the bottom line is is thatthe clearer we can be about what
(14:56):
we're experiencing, the more wecan open the door to real
understanding, real support andreal change.
Well, that's it for today.
I hope this gives you a littlemore clarity on the words we use
in therapy and why they matter.
Language shapes how we seeourselves, our relationships and
our growth, so let's make surewe're using it to open doors and
(15:16):
not close them.
A big thank you to ReverendJanice Gertzen and giving us
some in-depth knowledge ongaslighting.
The links to her books are inthe description of this podcast,
so be sure to check those out.
And thanks for listening.
I'm Danny Clark and keep doingthe hard work on yourself every
day, thank you.
Okay, here's a question Do you, or someone you know that
is not a therapist, use what wewould call therapy speak?
They describe or justify theirexperiences with words like
boundaries, gaslighting ortrauma, or they speak of
themselves in relation to adiagnosis.
Well, what if I told you thattherapy speak, the same language
that helps us heal, might alsobe the very thing keeping us
(00:22):
stuck, that the words we use toexplain our pain could also be
the words we use to excuseourselves from growth?
Because, let's be real,sometimes we're not setting a
boundary, we're dodging anuncomfortable conversation,
we're not being cashless.
We just don't like being toldwe're wrong.
And not everything we gothrough is trauma.
Sometimes it's just life beinghard.
(00:43):
And when therapy speak getsdistorted, it stops being a tool
for growth and becomes a shieldwe use to dodge responsibility
or, worse, to manipulate thepeople around us.
So today we're asking the hardquestions Are you or someone you
know misusing therapy languageto avoid accountability?
(01:03):
Welcome to Mental Health Potluck, where everyone brings
something to the table.
I'm Danny Clark, licensedclinical social worker and
family therapist, and thispodcast is all about serving a
bite-sized mental healthinsights, practical wellness
tips and real conversations thatnourish the mind and soul.
Today, we're breaking down thefour biggest ways therapy speak
gets misused and what thatactually means for your mental
(01:25):
health.
But, more importantly, we'regoing to talk about how therapy
actually works and why realtherapy should challenge you,
not just comfort you.
Because here's the truth growthdoesn't happen in an echo
chamber of self-validation.
It happens when you'rechallenged, when you're
(01:50):
challenged.
So therapy speak refers to thisuse of psychological terms
often borrowed from therapy ineveryday conversation.
These words and phrases,originally intended for clinical
settings, have made their wayinto mainstream culture, often
through social media, self-helpbooks and pop psychology.
At its best, therapyy Speak canhelp people express their
emotions more clearly, sethealthy boundaries and
understand their mental health.
Not too long ago, therapy wassomething you only talked about
(02:11):
in private, if you even talkedabout it at all.
But now Therapy Speak iseverywhere, and for the most
part, that's a good thing.
We've normalized theconversations about mental
health, we've given people wordsto describe their experiences
and we've encouragedself-awareness.
But here's the problem Wordswithout context can be really
dangerous.
Social media has been a hugedriver of this shift.
(02:33):
Mental health advice iseverywhere TikTok, instagram,
twitter and people are pickingup on psychological concepts
faster than ever.
But the issue is they're oftenlearning just enough to sound
informed, without enough depthto actually understand what
they're saying.
For example, a study analyzingmental health content on TikTok
found that nearly 85% of advicewas misleading and 15% was
(02:55):
actively harmful.
What may be even moreconcerning is that for issues
related to personality disorders, depression and anxiety were
accurate only half the time.
Disorders, depression andanxiety were accurate only half
the time, and for informationabout trauma, nearly 75% of the
information reviewed wasinaccurate and potentially
damaging.
That means millions of peopleare being exposed to inaccurate
(03:15):
or outright wrong information.
For therapists like myself,working around misinformation
can be rather challenging.
I've had clients walk intosessions already convinced that
they know what's wrong with thembecause they saw a 30-second
video diagnosing their symptoms,and if I challenge that well,
I'm just invalidating theirlived experience.
(03:37):
This puts therapists in a toughposition.
Do we spend entire sessionsuntangling bad psychology
provided by TikTok influencers,or do we just nod along and hope
for the best?
Do we spend entire sessionsuntangling bad psychology
provided by TikTok influencers,or do we just nod along and hope
for the best?
Now I can't speak for alltherapists, but the rise of
TherapySpeak and EverydayConversations has made me more
aware of four major distortionson therapy terms.
One of the most commondistortions that I see is around
(03:58):
boundaries.
Boundaries are a necessary partof healthy relationships.
They help define what we areand aren't comfortable with and
they protect our emotionalwell-being.
But more and more I'm seeingboundaries being used not as a
way to maintain personalwell-being, but as a way to shut
people down and avoidaccountability.
I'll give you an example.
I had a client once tell methat they set a boundary with
(04:19):
their friend.
When I asked what they meantthey said, I told them I wasn't
going to talk about my mistakesin the relationship anymore
because it was too triggering.
That's not a boundary.
That's a way to silence someonewho's holding you accountable.
Boundaries aren't aboutcontrolling others.
They're about defining your ownlimits.
If you're using them to avoidtough conversations, you're
avoiding discomfort.
(04:52):
Another term that's oftendistorted is when people talk
about self-diagnosing trauma.
Trauma is real and for thosewho have experienced it, the
impact is profound.
Understanding and addressingtrauma in therapy is essential
for healing, but lately the wordtrauma is being used so broadly
that any difficult emotionalexperience is sometimes labeled
as traumatic.
This doesn't mean people aren'tstruggling.
They absolutely are, butthere's a difference between
(05:12):
facing a painful challenge andexperiencing trauma that
fundamentally alters one's senseof safety and well-being.
When we expand the definitiontoo far, it can unintentionally
minimize the experiences ofthose who have endured serious
emotional and physical distress.
Acknowledging the differencedoesn't mean dismissing pain.
It means making sure we respondin ways that truly fits the
(05:33):
experience.
A third way that therapy speakhas become a bit problematic is
with over-pathologizingrelationship conflict.
There is no limit to the waythat relationships can be toxic,
abusive or unhealthy, andrecognizing these patterns is
very important.
(05:53):
But somewhere along the waywe've started treating all
relationship struggles asevidence of dysfunction instead
of seeing them as normal partsof human interaction.
I see this often A friend mightcancel plans and suddenly
they're being narcissistic.
A partner needs space during anargument and suddenly they're
emotionally unavailable.
Of course, some behaviors dosignal deep relationship issues,
(06:14):
but not every disagreement,boundary or misunderstanding is
a red flag.
Sometimes it's just conflict,and learning to navigate
conflict rather than immediatelylabeling it as toxic is an
important part of healthyrelationships.
And then there's gaslighting.
Gaslighting is a form ofpsychological manipulation where
(06:37):
someone makes you doubt yourreality, but lately people have
been using the term for justabout any situation where they
feel invalidated.
If someone tells you I don'tremember saying that, that's not
gaslighting, that's adisagreement in memory.
If someone offers a differentperspective, that's not
manipulation.
Rev. Geneece Goertzen (07:08):
That's conversation that continually
wears the person down and youkind of feel like you're in this
mind fog the whole time becauseyou're not even sure if what
you're thinking or saying ordoing is reality.
Danny (07:20):
Reverend Geneece Goertzen is an expert on domestic
violence and has publishedresearch and presented on this
topic nationwide.
Rev. Geneece Goertzen (07:27):
I believe that probably also goes into
that pattern of things that yousee, when something crosses the
line from random, occasionalbehaviors to abusive behavior,
we often say it's the pattern ofongoing behaviors that crosses
that line into abuse that thingsdo just don't get better, they
get worse.
(07:47):
And I think that gaslighting isprobably the same.
It's not just a one-off, it'snot a random happening on
occasion.
It is a continual pattern ofmaking sure that you are small
in the relationship.
The other person has all powerand authority and this confusion
(08:08):
, this mind fog, thismanipulation, this making you
doubt yourself that you don'teven really think you are who
you thought you were anymore.
That's, I think, where itcrosses the line.
It's ongoing and pervasive.
Danny (08:24):
She recently released the book Taking it Seriously A
Faith Leader's Guide to DomesticViolence that focuses on ways
clergy can address and respondto domestic violence within
their congregations.
Rev. Geneece Goertzen (08:34):
Taking it seriously, is something of a
reference guide for people offaith, clergy people, even lay
leaders in congregationalsettings to respond to the issue
of domestic violence.
What I have found in myresearch is that most people who
either are staffed in church orwork with the youth or teach a
(08:55):
Sunday school class or lead asmall group, they don't have any
kind of training on domesticviolence, which means if someone
comes to them with a disclosurehey, I'm being abused that they
don't know how to respond inhelpful ways, and so I wrote
this book in order to improvethat response, so that the
church becomes a helpful ratherthan a hurtful entity.
Danny (09:17):
Janice has also published a helpful tool for people to
recognize red flags inrelationships called Never Ever
After.
This book is a relatable way tobetter identify situations
where gaslighting is actuallyoccurring.
Rev. Geneece Goertzen (09:29):
So Never Ever After is kind of written to
my younger self.
So I was in decades of abusiveor domestic violence
relationships, so this issomething I wish I had had when
I were younger.
Maybe if someone had taught meto recognize red flags, I would
have been safer and not ended upwhere I did.
(09:51):
So in the book, one of the redflags that I discuss is
gaslighting, and there areseveral bullet points with
gaslighting, but one of them isquestions of sanity or reality,
and this is something thathappened to me on multiple
occasions where he would denythings that he did, and he was
so loud and insistent that hisway was the right way.
(10:12):
And this isn't just a matter ofdifference of opinion.
This is a matter of questioningproof that I had that something
had happened a certain way, andhe would say it had happened
another way, and he was willingto make my life miserable in
order to get his way.
In that situation, I thought Iwas going crazy for years until
I realized what was going on.
(10:33):
Gaslighting only works when thevictim isn't aware of what's
going on right, so that you'rebeing manipulated in this
scenario, because years later,if you become alert to the
pattern and you realize whatgaslighting is.
You've gotten some educationabout domestic violence or
manipulative tactics, then youcan combat what someone's
(10:54):
telling you.
You start to realize that whatthey're saying is a lie, that
it's not the truth.
You might be able to go get theproof that it's wrong and
suddenly realize the gaslightingdoesn't work anymore, not in
the same way.
Danny (11:18):
Okay, so we've talked about how therapy language has
made its way into everydayconversations, sometimes in ways
to help, sometimes in ways thatkeep people stuck.
But let's take a step back andask how did these words actually
function in therapy?
Because in the therapy room,words like trauma, boundaries,
gaslighting and toxic aren'tjust labels.
We use them as tools forunderstanding, processing and
(11:40):
creating change.
Take boundaries, for example,outside of therapy, people often
use quote-unquote setting aboundary as a way to justify
cutting someone off or avoidingdiscomfort.
But in therapy, boundariesaren't about control or shutting
people out.
They're about communicatingneeds, setting expectations and
maintaining healthyrelationships, while staying
connected when possible.
(12:01):
If a client says I set aboundary, a therapist is likely
to ask how did you communicatethat boundary?
What outcome are you hoping for?
Because a true boundary isn'tjust an action.
It's an ongoing conversation,or trauma, a word that, in
therapy, has a very specificmeaning.
We don't use it to describeevery difficult moment in
someone's life.
Instead, we explore whether anexperience disrupted a person's
(12:25):
sense of safety, shaped theircore beliefs or left them in a
prolonged state of emotionaldistress.
The goal isn't just to nametrauma.
It's to help clients process itin a way that allows them to
heal, not remain defined by it.
And then there's gaslighting,which, in therapy, isn't just
about someone making you feelbad.
It's a form of psychologicalmanipulation that causes a
(12:46):
person to doubt their ownreality.
A therapist doesn't just takethe word at face value.
They're going to explore thepatterns.
Do you feel consistentlyundermined?
A person to doubt their ownreality?
A therapist doesn't just takethe word at face value, they're
going to explore the patterns.
Do you feel consistentlyundermined?
Are you being manipulated or isthere simply a conflict in
perspective?
Therapy helps peopledifferentiate between unhealthy
dynamics and normal relationalstruggles, because not every
(13:06):
disagreement is an attempt todistort someone's reality.
So if these words show up insessions, they're not
conversation enders, they'reconversation starters.
Therapy isn't about applying alabel and moving on.
It's about going deeper,questioning assumptions and
finding a way to move forward,because, at the end of the day,
therapy isn't about justunderstanding our experiences,
(13:29):
it's about how we transform them.
So what's the solution?
Well, therapy language is meantto help us heal and grow, not
just give us fancy words toexplain why we feel the way we
do.
So how do we make sure we'reactually using these terms in
(13:50):
ways that move us forward.
Well, first we need to slowdown before throwing out therapy
buzzwords.
It's easy to say something istrauma or that we set a boundary
, but before we do, it's worthtaking a second to ask do I
actually understand what thismeans?
Am I using it in a way thathelps me reflect, or am I just
using it because it makes myemotions feel more justified?
(14:10):
The language we use matters,and when we reach for these
terms too quickly, we riskmislabeling what's happening
instead of really understandingit.
Another important shift isbeing willing to ask what's my
role in this?
If every story we tell about ourlives paints us as either the
hero or the victim, there'sprobably something we're missing
.
When someone says they've hadto set boundaries with everyone
(14:32):
in their lives, or that everyonearound them is toxic, it's
worth pausing and asking what'sthe common denominator here?
This doesn't mean blamingyourself, but real
self-awareness requires lookingat patterns, not just pointing
at problems.
So the bottom line is is thatthe clearer we can be about what
(14:56):
we're experiencing, the more wecan open the door to real
understanding, real support andreal change.
Well, that's it for today.
I hope this gives you a littlemore clarity on the words we use
in therapy and why they matter.
Language shapes how we seeourselves, our relationships and
our growth, so let's make surewe're using it to open doors and
(15:16):
not close them.
A big thank you to ReverendJanice Gertzen and giving us
some in-depth knowledge ongaslighting.
The links to her books are inthe description of this podcast,
so be sure to check those out.
And thanks for listening.
I'm Danny Clark and keep doingthe hard work on yourself every
day, thank you.
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