The Awkward Art of Small Talk

Click to text me what you got out of this episode.

We've all been there—that awkward moment in the break room when you pretend to check your phone rather than make small talk with a coworker. Those seemingly trivial exchanges actually tap into something much deeper: our fundamental human need for connection and our equally powerful fear of rejection.

Small talk isn't actually small at all. What feels like casual conversation is actually our brain navigating complex social territory. When your amygdala senses uncertainty in social situations, it can trigger the same fight-flight-freeze response that protected our ancestors from physical threats. That's why asking "How was your weekend?" can suddenly feel as daunting as public speaking without a script. Add in your personal history of social interactions, and it's no wonder small talk feels like a skill everyone else mastered while you were absent that day.

The good news? You can transform these moments of anxiety into opportunities for genuine connection. By simply naming your inner critic ("There's my 'don't say anything dumb' voice again"), you create space between yourself and your fear. This shift from self-consciousness to other-consciousness changes everything. Suddenly, small talk isn't about performing—it's about curiosity. And in professional settings, these casual exchanges serve as the foundation for trust, career growth, and belonging. Those hallway conversations aren't just pleasantries; they're how people start to see you beyond your resume.

Ready to strengthen your small talk muscle? Try talking to one stranger daily, focus on follow-up questions rather than clever openings, avoid conversation-killing yes/no questions, keep reliable conversation starters ready, and practice in familiar environments. Remember—connection isn't built through perfection; it's built through willingness. So next time you're tempted to fake a phone call in the elevator, maybe just look up and say hi instead. Your future connections will thank you.

About Danny Clark
Danny Clark is a licensed clinical social worker and family therapist based in Houston, Texas. As the founder of Texas Insight Center, he specializes in helping individuals, couples, and families navigate mental health challenges with practical, evidence-based approaches.

💡 Is therapy right for you? Let’s talk. If you’re struggling with stress or emotional regulation or just want to explore healthier coping strategies, reach out for a consultation. Visit www.texasinsightcenter.com to learn more and schedule a session.

📩 Have a question or topic suggestion? Send it to [e-mail]

You can also follow me on Instagram @texasinsightcenter or visit my webpage at texasinsightcenter.com

Join the conversation! Share your key takeaways using #MentalHealthPotluck or tag me on social media.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:10):
Have you ever walked into a break room, see someone
standing there and realizeyou're the only two people in
the room and, instead of havingany kind of conversation and
sometimes even acknowledgingthem, you just immediately
pretend to check your phone,just so you don't have to have
that small talk?
Or maybe you're starting a newjob and everyone already talks

(00:30):
to each other like they've knowneach other since kindergarten
and your number one goal isplease don't forget my name when
somebody asks me what my nameis.
And moments like that they'resmall, but they hit really hard,
because small talk isn'tactually small.
It's vulnerable and weird andsometimes it's weirdly important
.
Welcome to Mental HealthPotluck, where everyone brings

(00:53):
something to the table.
I'm Danny Clark, licensedclinical social worker and
family therapist.
This podcast is all aboutserving up bite-sized mental
health insights, practicalwellness tips and real
conversations that nourish themind and soul.
And today we're diving intosmall talk, why it feels so hard
for some of us, what'shappening in your brain during

(01:13):
those awkward silences, and howa few mindset shifts and a
little bit of practice can turneveryday chit-chat into
something that actually helpsyour career and relationships
grow.
That actually helps your careerand relationships grow.
So why is small talk so hardfor some of us?
Well, first we have to clearsomething up.
Being bad at small talk doesn'tmean you're shy, broken or not

(01:37):
a people person.
Some of the most brilliant,funny, compassionate people I
know freeze up when it's time tosay something casual like hey,
how was your weekend?
And that's because small talkisn't actually small, it's
vulnerability and it's socialrisk.
Our brains are wired to scanfor rejection.
That's leftover survivalprogramming.

(01:58):
Thousands of years ago, beingexcluded from the group meant
you might not eat or evensurvive.
So now, even tiny moments ofsilence or awkwardness can
trigger that same old dangerfeeling.
And add that to any past socialembarrassments, anxiety or
feelings like you never quitefit in.
And yeah, it makes sense.
Why asking?

(02:19):
So you live around here canfeel like public speaking
without a script.
So you live around here canfeel like public speaking
without a script.
So what's your brain doing?
Well, here's what happens.
And let's look under the hood abit.
Your amygdala the part of yourbrain in charge of fight, flight
or freeze hears quote, unquote,uncertain social situation and

(02:42):
thinks you're in danger, even ifyou're just asking where the
printer paper is.
Meanwhile, your prefrontalcortex is trying to stay cool
and say something clever, but ifyour nervous system is on red
alert, clever is completely offthe table.
You're just trying not to sweatthrough your shirt.
It's like trying to draft anemail while someone keeps
yelling from the other room hey,check your grammar, don't spell

(03:05):
anything wrong.
And here's the thing If we keeprehearsing that fear, it gets
stronger.
We build these neural groovesfor avoidance, which is why it
can feel like small talk is askill everyone else got in
middle school while we were allsick that day.
So let's talk about the liesthat your brain tells you in

(03:28):
real time.
That causes this fear of smalltalk.
So you picture this.
So you see someone you want totalk to at work a co-worker, a
potential mentor, even someoneyou just sort of like, and you
want to get to know them better.
But your thoughts immediatelygo to they're too busy to chat,
they don't want to talk to me,I'll say something weird and
it'll get awkward or worse.

(03:49):
They might think I smell ordon't like the way I look, so
they won't want to meet me.
And these are sort of extremeto a certain degree, but they do
in fact result in things likerejection, sensitivity,
shame-based thinking, socialphobias, social anxieties,
thought insertions, delusionalmisidentifications and body

(04:09):
dysmorphic disorders.
Man, that's a lot, and this iswhat we call the negativity bias
that's working overtime.
It's your brain's way of tryingto protect you from discomfort.
But in doing that it also cutsyou off from connections,
opportunity and growth and isquite painful for some people.
One of the simplest ways todisarm it is calling it out.

(04:37):
Literally say to yourself oh,there's my don't say anything
dumb voice again.
See, labeling it or naming yourmental habit makes space
between you and the fear, andthat space is where curiosity
lives, and when you shift fromself-conscious to other
conscious, things change.
Instead of what do I say, youask what can I learn?

(05:00):
That's how small talk turnsinto trust.
So just calling it out canactually turn the volume down a
bit on that kind of innercritical voice.
You create space to actcuriously, not cautiously, and
that space, that's where realconnection starts.

(05:22):
But here's the thing A lot ofpeople miss Small talk isn't
just about being friendly.
It actually does something,especially at work.
You see, small talk is thehandshake before the handshake.
It's how people start to buildtrust before they know your job
title, your skill set or whatkind of PowerPoint wizardry

(05:43):
you've been capable of.
And in the workplace, trustisn't just nice, it's how teams
work better, how mentorshipsform, how your name comes up in
the right rooms.
You might think I'll just letmy work speak for itself, but
here's the truth.
People remember how you makethem feel before they remember

(06:04):
what it is.
You did so that casualconversation in the hallway.
It's more than filler, it'semotional glue.
Now I'm not saying you have tobe the office extrovert or start
cracking jokes in the breakroom.
I'm saying small moments ofconnection, asking someone how
their weekend went, commentingon their desk plan or even just

(06:26):
making eye contact and saying,hey, how you doing.
Those moments build afoundation.
You don't need a TED Talk.
You need one honest sentenceLike how long you been working
here?
Or is it always this cold inhere, or am I just the new guy,
or here's a good one?
What kind of podcast do youlisten to?
My favorite one is Taco Chatsand Laugh Attacks by Alex Lester

(06:48):
and Danny Clark.
So the point isn't to have agreat conversation, the point is
just to start one.
And if you're trying to growyour network, get noticed or
just feel like you belong atwork.
Small talk is how people startto see you, not your resume, the

(07:08):
way they see you.
So here are five low-stress,real-life ways to practice the
skill of small talk.
Number one is talk to onestranger a day.
Could be the barista at yourlocal coffee shop, the person in
the elevator or someone in linethat you're having to stand
with for a few moments.
Make a comment about theweather, the wait time, their

(07:29):
shoes, anything.
Keep it short, it's the repsthat matter.
But just having those questionsand just starting these kind of
conversations the critical partof that is to focus on the
follow-up, not on the opener.
The real magic in small talkisn't in how you start, it's in
how you stay.
Listen to their answer, reflectit back and ask one more

(07:50):
question oh, you're from Houston, what part?
Oh, you're working on a newproject.
What's the most exciting pieceof it?
Or, like I used to do to mykids when they were younger and
I'd pick them up from school andthey didn't want to talk to me
because I'd start asking themquestions, my favorite question
to them was so who got introuble today?
Man, that would start aconversation.
So the third one is actuallyreally quite important to have

(08:17):
small talk and it's somethingthat only keeps conversations
going, and it's great practice.
Whether you're in sales, whetheryou're interviewing people or
whether you're just trying tolearn more about somebody, don't
ask yes or no questions.
Yes or no questions are theconversation killers of small
talk.
If you want the quickest pathto ending a small talk
conversation, start asking yesor no questions.

(08:39):
Are you having a good day?
Do you like your shoes?
Those things just don't work,so try to stay away from them.
Take one day to see if you cankeep track of how many times you
ask yes or no questions whenthere's information you need.
It's a strong part of how yougather information, how you
review things and how you canbring into conversations and get

(08:59):
to know more about what otherpeople are thinking.
It's actually one of thebiggest therapy tricks I know.
The fourth one, and very helpfulif you're starting a new job,
is to have some openers in yourback pocket.
When you meet somebody, askthem so what brought you to this
company?
Or what's keeping you busy?
What kind of projects do youhave they have you working on?
Or you can even ask them whatdo you like to do on the

(09:20):
weekends?
What are you looking forward todoing on the weekends.
You can think of these as likesocial versions of muscle memory
.
There are things you canremember that are like a
standard interview, but they'reopen ended and they're
non-threatening and, above all,they're creators of small talk
conversations.
The last one is to practice inspaces you already moved through

(09:42):
.
Don't wait for networkingevents or big career moments.
Use your everyday spaces, yourworkplace, your neighborhood,
your kid's soccer game.
Say one more thing than youusually would.
Connection isn't built all atonce.
It's built over time in small,consistent moments.
So that's really just all ittakes to get a little bit better

(10:07):
at small talk.
You see, it's like a muscle.
If it feels weak right now,that's okay.
It doesn't mean you're bad atit.
It just means that you haven'tbeen able to use it very much.
If small talk feels weird,awkward or like some secret
skill everyone else learned,you're not alone.
Most people aren't great atsmall talk because they're too
busy, worrying that they're badat small talk.

(10:27):
But connection isn't aboutbeing smooth.
It's about being willing.
Willing to say the first thing,willing to be a little little
awkward, willing to risk a weirdmoment in exchange for a real
one.
And hey, worst case scenarioyou ask a question, they don't
hear you and you have to pretendyou were talking to someone
else.
We've all done it, except ifyou are the only person in the

(10:49):
room.
That gets to be a little bitstrange.
I'm Danny Clark.
Thanks for listening.
If this episode helped you feela little more human or gave you
permission to be delightfullyaverage at socializing, send it
to someone who needs the samenudge.
And next time you're in anelevator with someone, maybe
don't fake a phone call.
Just look at them and say hi.