Why Do We Sabotage Our Happiness? Discover the Upper Limit

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Episode Summary

Have you ever noticed that when things in your life start going really well, you suddenly find yourself procrastinating, picking fights, or making careless mistakes? You’re not alone. This episode dives into the Upper Limit Problem, a concept from The Big Leap by Gay Hendricks, which suggests that we all have an internal “thermostat” for how much success, love, and happiness we think we deserve.

When we exceed our comfort zone, our subconscious mind tries to pull us back down by self-sabotage. Whether it’s in relationships, career, personal growth, or finances, these hidden patterns can keep us stuck—unless we learn to recognize and break them.

In this episode, we explore:

• How self-sabotage shows up in everyday life.
• Where these internal limits come from—family messages, past trauma, and social conditioning.
• Practical strategies for raising your success thermostat and allowing yourself to thrive.

If you’ve ever felt like you keep getting in your own way, this episode will help you understand why—and, more importantly, how to change it.

Key Topics Covered

🔹 What Is the Upper Limit Problem?

• Introduced by Gay Hendricks in The Big Leap, this concept explains why we unconsciously sabotage our own happiness and success when we exceed our perceived limits.
• The idea of an “internal thermostat” that regulates how much good we allow ourselves to experience.

🔹 How Self-Sabotage Shows Up in Daily Life

• Relationships: Picking fights or creating drama when things feel too good.
• Work: Procrastinating or slacking off after a big promotion or success.
• Money: Overspending after a financial windfall, returning to a familiar financial baseline.
• Mental Health: Stopping therapy when progress starts feeling too real.

🔹 Why We Self-Sabotage and How to Break the Cycle

• The role of childhood messages, fear of outshining others, and past trauma.
• Recognizing self-sabotage patterns and expanding your comfort zone.
• Learning to sit with success, instead of running from it.
• Practical mindset shifts to raise your success thermostat.

Important Definitions & Concepts

Upper Limit Problem: A psychological concept from The Big Leap describing the subconscious tendency to sabotage success when we exceed our perceived comfort zone.

Self-Sabotage: Engaging in behaviors that hold you back from achieving your goals, often driven by fear, self-doubt, or limiting beliefs.

Success Thermostat: A metaphor for the internal threshold we have

About Danny Clark
Danny Clark is a licensed clinical social worker and family therapist based in Houston, Texas. As the founder of Texas Insight Center, he specializes in helping individuals, couples, and families navigate mental health challenges with practical, evidence-based approaches.

💡 Is therapy right for you? Let’s talk. If you’re struggling with stress or emotional regulation or just want to explore healthier coping strategies, reach out for a consultation. Visit www.texasinsightcenter.com to learn more and schedule a session.

📩 Have a question or topic suggestion? Send it to [e-mail]

You can also follow me on Instagram @texasinsightcenter or visit my webpage at texasinsightcenter.com

Join the conversation! Share your key takeaways using #MentalHealthPotluck or tag me on social media.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
When I was training to be a therapist, I would often
become frustrated because assoon as my client was starting
to really get some benefit outof therapy, they would suddenly
stop coming.
The reasons were varied, butthe timing always seemed to be
right.
After the session, when theyrecognized they were making
positive changes, I would sit insupervision and worry that I
was doing something wrong.
I would overanalyze and divedeep into the literature to

(00:21):
figure out what skill I neededto learn to not be such a
terrible therapist.
One meeting with my supervisorwas pivotal in my understanding
of the issue.
I distinctly remember the sageadvice I received after a
five-minute rant where I beatmyself up over my abilities as a
therapist and my supervisorsimply smiled and said your
clients are leaving becausefeeling better doesn't always

(00:43):
feel comfortable, so theyunconsciously self-sabotage.
Well, it turns out there's aname for this self-sabotaging
behavior.
It's called the upper limitproblem and it's basically like
having an internal thermostatfor success and happiness and
when you go past what yousubconsciously think you should
have, your brain flips a switchand pulls you back down.
Welcome to Mental HealthPotluck, where everyone brings

(01:07):
something to the table.
I'm Danny Clark, licensedclinical social worker and
family therapist.
This podcast is all aboutserving a bite-sized mental
health insights, practicalwellness tips and real
conversations that nourish themind and the soul.
Today we're talking about theupper limit problem, what it is,
how self-sabotaging behaviorshows up in our everyday life
and how we can break the cycle.

(01:27):
All right, so let's start withthe basics.
The upper limit problem is anidea from Gary Hendricks who
wrote the Big Leap.
He explains that we all have aninternal comfort zone for
success, happiness, love andmoney Basically, how much good

(01:49):
we think we deserve.
And when life gets too good,our subconscious mind says hold
on, now, this is way too much.
We don't do this much happiness.
Let's bring it down a notch andguess what?
We start self-sabotaging.
It's like having a thermostatin your house.
If you set it to 72 degrees andthe room heats up to 80, the AC
kicks on to cool things backdown.

(02:09):
Your brain sort of does thesame thing.
When life gets too good, youstart doing things, often
without realizing it, to bringyourself back to what feels
normal.
So let's talk about how thisactually plays out, because
self-sabotage isn't alwaysobvious.
It's not like we wake up oneday and say, hey, you know what?

(02:34):
I think I'm going to ruin myhappiness today.
No, it's not.
It's not quite like that.
It's way sneakier than that.
It's that feeling when thingsare going really well and then
suddenly they're not.
Not because of some outsideforce, but because you started
pulling the strings and maybeyou don't even realize you're
doing it Like have you ever beenin a relationship where things
are finally stable, actuallygood, and for some reason you

(02:55):
start to nitpick?
Suddenly you're picking fightsover stuff that doesn't even
matter.
Why?
Because part of you doesn'tfully trust that you deserve the
level of love and peace thatyou are getting.
Maybe your brain is so used tochaos that when it's not there,
you start to create it.
Or even at work, let's say youfinally get that promotion or
big opportunity you've beenwaiting for and instead of

(03:17):
owning it, you start slackingoff, procrastinating or missing
deadlines, not because you can'tdo the job, but because some
part of you is whispering hey,are you sure you belong here?
It's also missing deadlines,not because you can't do the job
, but because some part of youis whispering hey, are you sure
you belong here?
It's also sort of like impostersyndrome.
Or maybe even making seriousprogress in therapy, finally
feeling better, and then youjust stop going.
No real reason.
You just kind of let it fadeout because being okay feels

(03:40):
weird and you've spent yearsbelieving you're not okay and
look, none of this means you'rebroken.
It just means your brain istrying to bring you back to the
version of yourself it'scomfortable and knows the
version that feels familiar.
And the kicker is your braindoesn't actually care if
familiar is good or bad, it justcares that it's predictable.
But that predictability that'sexactly what keeps us stuck.

(04:03):
But that predictability, that'sexactly what keeps us stuck.
So where does this internalthermostat even come from?
Because we don't choose to havean upper limit problem.
It's something we pick up alongthe way.
For a lot of people it startswith the messages we got as a
kid.
Maybe you grew up in a homewhere people said things like
people like us don't get rich ordon't get too big for your

(04:25):
britches.
If you hear that enough, itprobably shaped your belief
about what's possible for you.
Or maybe you learned to staysmall because standing out
wasn't safe.
Some people grow up in familieswhere success is resented,
where being too happy or toosuccessful makes other people
uncomfortable, and if that's thecase, you might have learned to
hold yourself back just toavoid rocking the boat.
And then there's trauma.

(04:46):
If you've ever had somethinggood taken away, if you finally
felt happy and then life smackedyou in the face, you might have
learned that happiness isn'tsafe, that every good thing
comes with a price.
And when that belief is burieddeep, it's no surprise we pull
back.
The second things get too good.

(05:07):
So what do you do when yourealize you're hitting that
upper limit?
Because, let's be honest, onceyou see it, you really can't
unsee it, that moment where youcatch yourself about to mess
things up.
It's frustrating, but it's alsoa huge opportunity.
The first thing is to notice it.
That's half the battle.
When life starts going reallywell and suddenly you're
procrastinating orself-sabotaging, pause for a

(05:28):
second, ask yourself am Ipulling myself back to my old
comfort zones?
And here's the weird partSometimes success itself feels
really uncomfortable.
If you spent years believingyou're the kind of person who
struggles, who just gets by, orwho's not lucky like other
people, then actual success canfeel really foreign.
It's like putting on someoneelse's shoes.

(05:49):
They just don't quite fit right, but that's the thing.
They can fit, and they can fitreally well.
The trick is to let yourself sitwith the discomfort of things
going well, not running from it,not trying to fix a problem
that isn't actually there, justletting yourself have good
things.
Instead of thinking this is toogood to be true, try shifting
it to this is good and I'mallowed to have it.

(06:12):
Imagine this, let's say youoften find yourself facing a
challenge and you say toyourself I'm going to fail at
this or it probably won't turnout as well as I had hoped.
Noticing that happens is anopportunity to reset that
pattern.
Just think how different yourlife might be by changing what
if I fail to what if I did welland got everything I wanted.
And that that's how you breakthe cycle.

(06:32):
It's not easy, but it'ssomething worth practicing to
break that upper limit andreally enjoy your successes All
right.
So here's the challenge Overthe next few days, pay attention
to the times when you might beself-sabotaging.
If you notice yourself pullingback when things are going well,

(06:53):
pause and ask am I hitting myupper limit?
And if the answer is yes, thenlean into it and challenge it.
Take a deep breath, remindyourself you're allowed to grow
and step forward anyways.
So that's a wrap for thisepisode of Mental Health,
potluck.
I hope this gave you a newperspective on the upper limit
and how we self-sabotage.
If you enjoyed this episode, besure to subscribe, leave a

(07:17):
review and share it withsomebody who might find it
helpful.
Thanks for tuning in and untilnext time, take care and keep
moving forward.