August 25, 2025 • 31 mins
Mary Ann Hughes shares her experience as part of the sandwich generation, balancing care for her two adult sons with autism while supporting her elderly mother after a health crisis. She brings wisdom, compassion, and practical strategies for maintaining boundaries and finding yourself amid overwhelming caregiving responsibilities.
• Navigating the simultaneous care of aging parents and neurodiverse adult children
• Finding appropriate support systems when crises emerge
• Building a business to help families navigate special needs and divorce
• Managing the grief process while adapting to changing family dynamics
• Creating boundaries to maintain mental health and personal identity
• Becoming more compassionate and open through caregiving challenges
• Understanding that some days are neat "finger sandwiches" while others are messy "club sandwiches"
• Learning when and how to ask for help
If you're interested in connecting with Mary Ann Hughes, visit her website at www.specialfamilytransitions.com or find her on social media under Special Family Transitions. All her other sites are here:
Special Family Transitions Facebook Page: https://www.facebook.com/specialfamilytransitions
Special Family Transitions on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/specialfamilytransitions/
Special Family Transitions YouTube channel: https://youtube.com/@specialfamilytransitions
TikTok:
https://www.tiktok.com/@SpecialFamilyTransitions
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/mary-ann-hughes-special-family-transitions/
Personal Facebook profile:
https://bit.ly/MaryAnnPanoHughes
Private Facebook group:
bit.ly/specialneedsdivorcesupport
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome back to Advancing with Amy.
I'm your host, amy, mentalhealth warrior and neuro spicy
mama.
Today we're diving into thereality of the sandwich
generation what is like tobalance caring for both aging
parents and neurodiversechildren, while still trying to
hold on to yourself in theprocess?
(00:21):
My guest, marianne Hughes, isnot only living this every day,
but she's also built a businessto support families navigating
special needs and divorce.
She brings so much honesty,wisdom and compassion to the
conversation and I can't waitfor you to hear the story.
Welcome, marianne.
(00:51):
Hi Amy, how are you?
I'm doing well, thank you.
The question is how are you?
Speaker 2 (00:59):
I am doing, okay, I'm balancing a lot of things today
, but we make it through.
We always make it through.
Speaker 1 (01:05):
Yeah, talking about balancing things.
That's kind of what we'retalking about today.
Is you being part of thesandwich generation?
Can you tell me how thatstarted?
Speaker 2 (01:14):
Sure.
So I'm the mother of two nowyoung adult young men on the
autism spectrum and I've got amother who's elderly she doesn't
want me saying her age I won'tactually say her actual age but
she's doing well healthy.
She had a health incidentrecently but she's doing better.
So between taking care of bothmy boys, who have different
(01:37):
needs and neurodiverse needs,and my mom, and then trying to
take care of myself and being adivorced mom, it sometimes is a
lot and sometimes we can managesome days better than others.
Speaker 1 (01:48):
That makes sense.
Does everybody live with you?
Speaker 2 (01:52):
My mother does not, so she's in an independent
living community and doing wellthere.
My sons do live at home.
They're in their early 20s andthey live at home.
One goes to a universityprogram.
He actually just graduated froma learning differences program
(02:13):
and did great, and now he'sactually going to start his
master's degree.
So oh wow.
And my other son has differenttypes of challenges and
behaviors and so he's not ableto go to any kind of higher
education.
But he is in a day program,which basically a school day
take him, pick him up and thenhe's home after that.
Speaker 1 (02:32):
Right, I actually work for a managed care
organization for Medicaid, so Iknow a lot about working with
individuals with intellectualand developmental disabilities,
on top of my own work with myown child for her neurodiversity
.
So I get it.
And your mom being in anindependent living center, does
she have home help that comes inand helps her as well, or is it
(02:53):
just you so?
Speaker 2 (02:56):
she before her fall.
She was independent, grantedsome challenges with memory and
whatever comes along with age,but she was doing fine until one
day she had a fall, whichactually happened to be on a day
on a book that we co-authored.
There was a summit andliterally 30 minutes before was
(03:17):
my time to go on.
I get these texts and emailsthat I need to actually not text
because she can't text, but Igot a bunch of calls that I need
to that she had a fall.
Basically I fall and I can'tget up really literal fall.
So I had to make a choice.
Of course family comes first andthey were very understanding.
I had to not present and excusemyself and take care of my mom
(03:38):
and turned out we had to go tothe ER.
She got admitted, she was therefor a week spent, spent a week
in different types of settingsand then finally rehab yeah,
rehab, yeah, kind of like askilled nursing facility, for
about it was almost a month thenat that point, after spending a
week in the hospital and then,speaking of home health, she
didn't want anybody to come andhelp her.
(03:59):
We got signed up to have homehealth care come, but that was
going to be just sporadic visitshere and there based on what
she was approved for, and eventhat process took a while to get
that service started.
So basically it was me takingcare of her.
Now, I will say, and part ofthis whole journey is that you
have to know when to ask forhelp.
(04:20):
And so when my mom had the falland I saw the severity of it
and it would entail her being inthe hospital for a while, and I
was able to arrange then forsomeone to stay with my kids
that night because it was a lastminute thing and thankfully I
was able to find someone to staybecause I had to stay over with
my mom Then I called my sister,who lives in another state.
(04:41):
I said this is what happened.
She's like do I need to come?
Like, yeah, you need to come.
So luckily she was able to come.
She's got a young daughterherself.
She was able to fly to Houston,where I am, and was able to
spend a week here, which waswonderful because she's got her
own commitments there and also asingle mom.
So we were able to make thatwork.
(05:02):
So if she wasn't, if it wasn'tfor that, it would have been
really difficult, but so shehelped us with the transition,
then to go to the skillednursing and get her adjusted
there, and then I was able tocome in and be there.
But then I saw that I couldn'tbe there all the time and all
the time that she would need meGranted.
They have people there who say,you know, we'll take care of
her, she'll be fine.
But neither she nor I feltcomfortable with that situation.
(05:25):
So, besides my being there, Iwas able to find a resource
group which recommendeddifferent caregivers.
I was able to find a caregiverthen to spend some of those
overnights with my mom and thenI would come in during the day.
So it's kind of tag team.
Luckily I was able to bring mykids on the weekends and just
hang out, and it worked out.
(05:46):
So I guess the point issometimes we have to make
adjustments, but finding theright help and resources and
being the right mindset, thenhopefully it all works out.
Speaker 1 (05:57):
Right and you look great, you look like you've got
it all together, but how is yourmental health really and how
has it changed?
Speaker 2 (06:03):
But how is your mental health really and how has
it changed?
Yeah, so, granted, there's daysthat are harder than others,
depending on what is going onwith my kids or my mom, and so I
have to recognize thatsometimes we do need help.
So, for instance, today I had acall with a physician for my
(06:28):
son because he was having somechallenging behaviors.
It's a medical need that needsattention.
That may have been contributingto what we're seeing and they
were seeing in his program, andso I made an appointment with
somebody who had seen on offover the years and he was able
to offer some suggestions.
They were going to start a newmedication I think too serious,
but something to help maybeaddress some of his physical
ailments to.
Maybe then we'll address someother issues that we see going
(06:50):
on.
If I hadn't made that call thenwe might be stuck in a
situation where his situationmaybe is getting worse and of
course that has an impact on usand our patients and our ability
as a primary caregiver and momto be able to handle that and
balance everything else that wehave to do as well.
Speaker 1 (07:07):
Definitely.
And so, on top of all of this,do you work outside the home?
Speaker 2 (07:13):
So, I do have a business.
I started a business after mydivorce, really could have find
support to help in what I call aspecial needs divorce, and so I
decided, okay, I'm going totake my knowledge, what I
learned over the years, that ittook, and lots of time and
effort and just the whole energyof it, to start a company to
help others going through thissimilar challenge.
So I started my company,special Family Transitions, the
(07:36):
first time I had started anykind of entrepreneurial venture.
I have an MBA and I've workedhard to having kids but really
was a stay-at-home mom for 20years, so decided to put my
energy there.
Been doing that about fouryears now, and so that's what I
do, and so I work out of thehome, so I don't have an office.
So I have to balance what I havegoing on for my kids and my mom
(07:58):
and myself and try to schedulemy appointments and my
activities around that andsometimes around my business, my
appointments and my activitiesaround that and sometimes around
my business.
Sometimes I have to maybe getsitters, maybe get help or tell
my mom no, I can't be theretoday, I'll have this other
thing going on, and so I thinkit's a matter of managing our
time as well, in terms of maybeapproaching things different
(08:18):
ways, so creating time blocksand boundaries for ourselves and
for our loved ones.
Okay, this is the time that Ineed For me.
It brings me fulfillment aswell, so it's self-care activity
for me to do my business andwork with my clients and promote
what I do and share informationout there To me.
It brings me joy and that's oneof the things I do for me as
well as to help others.
Speaker 1 (08:39):
Yeah, so doing your business is a release for you.
Speaker 2 (08:49):
It is.
It is.
I enjoy it.
And, granted, there's alwaysmore to do and sometimes we feel
like we want to do more, butyou have to look at how far
we've come over time.
And so people do acknowledgeand recognize the work that I do
.
It's very unique in themarketplace.
There are a few people who doit I collaborate with them as
well, but it's something that'sneeded, and so it gives me a lot
of fulfillment to be able to dothat type of work.
Speaker 1 (09:10):
Oh yeah, when I was going through my divorce and
I've already said I have aneurodiverse child as well I
would have paid good money if Ihad known somebody like you.
That would have helped so muchfor me and for her.
Speaker 2 (09:22):
Right, that's the goal, yeah.
Speaker 1 (09:24):
Probably her dad as well would have got something
out of it.
Speaker 2 (09:27):
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (09:28):
Yeah, so we have a lot in common.
We both had a divorce, we bothhave neurodiverse children and
we both got our MBAno-transcript.
(10:13):
Do you ever get to rest, andwhat does that look like
nowadays?
Speaker 2 (10:18):
Yeah, so my rest mostly happens when everybody
else is doing something else.
So when my son is in his dayprogram my other son, he's going
to restart school and when mymom now she's in a good place,
great, I still have to check onher and do a lot of things, but
it's a lot less than it was interms of the ongoing care.
So I try to rest when I canthere and schedule my
(10:42):
appointments, work and rest andself-care.
I try to work out when I can.
But when the kids are withtheir dad, I call them kids.
They're young adults, but Istill call them my kids.
So that's a time that I canjust maybe relax as well.
Granted, it's an awful time tocatch up and do things and see
my mom, because it's hard totake them over there and that's
part of my relaxation is maybejust not doing anything.
(11:03):
My son will say are you goingto go out with your friends
while I'm at dad's?
Like no, I'm just, I'm tired.
I just want to relax today anddo whatever I want to do.
Speaker 1 (11:11):
Yeah, sometimes it's hard to think do I need time
with my friends to re-energize,or do I just need to like bed
and just be alone?
Speaker 2 (11:21):
Right, and so it depends what your circle of
friends looks like.
I do have some friends, but,given that they're all, a lot of
them are moms of kids withdifferent abilities.
Sometimes it's hard to scheduleand so, granted, one of my
goals is maybe make more of aneffort to be able to do that,
but sometimes, like you said,it's just good to just relax.
Speaker 1 (11:40):
Yeah, speaking of friends, do you have any support
groups you belong to oranything that helps with other
people that are in the same spotthat you're in?
Speaker 2 (11:48):
Yeah, so I'm in some great organizations one
specifically for special needsmoms, as they call it, where
they have a great Facebook group, they have social events, they
have educational sessions or onenext week about managing grief
and things like that, and theyhave some having what they call
a mom's camp and a few weekswhere it's a retreat type.
(12:10):
You can either go for the dayor for the weekend.
For me it's more difficult togo for the whole weekend right
now, so I'm going to go for theday, maybe an hour from where I
live, and just have a chance tosocialize, be pampered and just
have a nice time.
So that's great that I foundthis organization.
It's called Seal Magnolia Momsfor people who are interested,
and yeah, there's a whole storybehind it, but they do lots of
(12:32):
great things.
And so there's other groups aswell, and there's some smaller
one, there's some bigger ones.
So I would say, find somethingin your community that you can
connect, meet people who havegoing through similar things in
life.
Speaker 1 (12:44):
But even if you can't go in person, sometimes there's
online groups or online eventsor, like you said, find a coach
or a program that can be ofsupport.
That helps too.
Yeah, that's amazing that youfound them.
I'm glad to hear that.
What kind of makes you feeloverwhelmed or like maybe it's
getting to be too much?
Do you ever see that inyourself?
Speaker 2 (13:04):
You know.
So sometimes when my son'sbehaviors whether it's
repetitive behaviors or whateverit might be not that he can
control right, these are justthings that happen, the
different things going on in hisbody and his mind it can be
frustrating, especially we're ina rush.
And so, as an experiment to seeif we can make a difference, I
(13:25):
brought somebody in actuallyyesterday to see if that morning
routine might look differentwith a different approach, and
it did so.
Part of it was we got up alittle bit earlier and we took
some different approaches andthat stress level for all of us
went way down, went way down.
(13:48):
And so, yeah, I mean otherwise,yeah, when I see myself and see
the whole situation escalating,we just think, okay, how can we
intervene, how can we make itbetter and how can we change it
if we?
Speaker 1 (13:55):
can't.
That's great.
I know my daughter has a veryregimented getting ready routine
, and if you even wake her upfive minutes late, the whole day
is ruined.
Speaker 2 (14:06):
So she's got to follow that While I was getting
myself up earlier and thengetting him up earlier and now
we're not rushing as much andmaybe changing the expectation.
We use a timer a visual timeras well.
Found it online for a cheapprice and so that worked.
Didn't work so much today, I'mlike we'll try it again.
Speaker 1 (14:26):
It's all a process.
So you were talking about griefa little bit ago and that you
discussed that in your supportgroup.
Do you find that you have griefor loss of who you would be if
you didn't have all of these,these involvements, or do you
grieve loss before it happens?
(14:47):
What kind of grief are youtalking about?
Speaker 2 (14:50):
So I would say it depends where you are in your
journey.
So I'm on these Facebook groupsand read a lot of comments and
try to contribute where I can.
But I see a lot of moms whohave especially newly diagnosed
children with differentdisabilities or whatever it
might be.
They go through a grief processand so it's hard for them to
(15:10):
accept and I learned about thewhole grief cycle, about all the
phases that we go through thatare natural, and once I learned
about that, it made sense and itmade it easier and easier to
explain to other people thatthis is okay, it's natural for
you to feel this way, and Ithink it helps them to feel
validated that that's going on.
It's okay to have those kind offeelings.
I'm not a mental healthprofessional, so maybe you can
(15:31):
correct me if I have them in thewrong order or the wrong stages
.
But we've got denial and angerand bargaining, and then another
one in there, and thendepression and then, yes,
acceptance, right, so whatever.
Hopefully I'm pretty much right.
But when we finally get to thepoint of acceptance is when we
can do things for ourselves andfor others and make progress,
(15:51):
and that's what I try to do inmy coaching.
Okay, we've been through there.
You know where are we now andhow can we then get to where we
want to be?
And so I find that in my work alot of the sometimes both
parents aren't on the same pagein terms of where they are in
the grief cycle for theirchild's disability.
That affects things in thedivorce and the discussions I
guess.
Back to your original question.
(16:12):
I think when I was a youngermom, early in this journey as a
special needs mom, there was alot of grief and just through
life and through the divorce, Ithink I had to make a choice,
and my choice was I'm going toget through this and I'm going
to do what I need to do for mykids, and that's how I came
(16:32):
through that journey of grief.
In and of itself, granted,there's a whole grief of the
divorce and the loss of thatwhole marriage and the whole
life that we had.
The dream you had, yeah,exactly.
And so now enough years havegone by and I'm to the point
where that's in the past and nowI can focus on other things.
Speaker 1 (16:53):
That's great, and I think you did an excellent job
explaining the grief cycle, andI don't think it matters what
order it goes in, because griefis not linear, it's just
whatever you're feeling that day, and you might feel it one day
and get out of it and then hopback to it another day.
That's true that's true.
Speaker 2 (17:09):
So you'll sorry for ourselves for whatever reason,
or just be in a rut and that'sokay.
And that's okay to feel thatway, as long as we find a way to
to get out right.
Speaker 1 (17:17):
How do you find you and your mom's relationship has
changed since you've become acaregiver yeah.
Speaker 2 (17:25):
So I don't think she wants to consider me a caregiver
, but she is appreciative of theassistance I give her, so let's
put it that way.
So I think, by stepping backand letting her find her
independence again and herroutine, I think that's helped.
I think she was relying on mefor a lot of things and maybe I
(17:48):
was trying to be very involvedas much as I, and there was a
point where I needed to be.
But now that she's rebuilt herstrength and so on, yeah, I'm
spending less time there.
Part of it is because I've gotother things to do, but partly
because she doesn't need as muchsupport.
So, for instance, she was maybeafraid to do certainly
(18:10):
self-care tasks by herself, like, no mom, you can do it.
So I had to encourage her thatshe could do it and, yes, it was
a process.
Speaker 1 (18:19):
But yes, that probably makes her feel better,
even if she doesn't want to doit in the beginning.
Everybody feels better whenthey're independent and have
something to wake up and do inthe morning.
Speaker 2 (18:32):
Right, rhyla, you asked about some Susan who's
coming to help her now.
So she's only got a very fewsessions left of that the
support that she was receivingdifferent therapies that come to
her and she was like, well, whydo I still need them?
I'm done, I feel like I'm done.
I don't want them to comeanymore.
Part of it is she doesn't likedisrupting her routine.
She may want to wake up whenshe wants to wake up and do what
she wants to do, and they haveactivities where she lives that
(18:52):
she's very active in and so yeah, so I'm glad that she's back to
normal again, or at least finefor where she is now.
Speaker 1 (18:59):
Yeah, is she making?
Speaker 2 (19:00):
Yeah, she's been there for a while and so has
friends.
She loves doing the arts andcrafts activities and today my
son was over there having lunchwith her, so she enjoys that.
Speaker 1 (19:12):
That's amazing.
I love that.
All right, and do you feel likeyou are who you want to be at
this point, like you've beenable to be yourself, or do you
still feel like you're pulled intoo many directions, or now
that your mom's able to do morefor herself?
Speaker 2 (19:33):
are you able to do more for yourself?
I'm trying to.
That's a great question becausethere's a lot of things that I
want to do still that I haven'tbeen able to do, part of which
are maybe health goals.
Maybe I've kind of let myselfnot focus on myself and focus
more on my mom's and maybeeating the unhealthy things when
I was taking care of her kindof just eating when I was able
to, which wasn't maybe the bestchoices for what I was putting
(19:55):
in my mouth, and being moresedentary than maybe I should
have been.
So I need to get back into that.
But in terms of professionally,yeah, there's still so many
things I want to do and I'vemade a lot of progress and I
continue to.
It's not maybe at the pace thatmaybe I would have liked or
hoped or that would work, but weare where we are and it's okay.
(20:16):
It's not a race, it's a journeyand we have to have goals for
who we want to be.
If we don't have deadlines.
I find that helps me to maybemeet some more things and
milestones that I would like inmy business and my professional
life.
But, yeah, I'm still doing alot and sometimes new things
come on my plate every day thatI've got to handle, and then
somehow we make time for that.
Speaker 1 (20:39):
Well, yeah, and I personally have to have a goal,
or I just don't even want to getout of bed some days.
I think we've all been there,all right.
And do you ever feel likeanyone's judging you for
struggling if you do struggle orfor being too happy if you're
happy, or anything like that?
Or do you feel like you've gota good support system and their
(21:00):
understanding of whateveremotions you're feeling at the
time?
Speaker 2 (21:05):
I feel.
So I guess hard to answer thatbecause I don't know what other
people think and I'm at thepoint in my life where that's
not so important to me.
I used to know what peoplethought and now I've learned
through my divorce andeverything else, they can think
what they want to think.
I just recently listened onaudio I was driving back from
(21:25):
taking my kids to camp andactivity and I had a big drive
and I listened to the Let themTheory by Mel Robbins and so,
even though some of that isintuitive, but it's a good
reminder that people are goingto think what they're going to
think and we can't let thatbother us.
And the other flip side of thatwhich I learned, which I didn't
know before, is the let me.
So we take, let them dowhatever thing, think what they
(21:48):
want, but then what am I goingto do about it?
How am I going to approach asituation?
So that was powerful too.
Speaker 1 (21:53):
I love that.
Yeah, yeah, I'm a big fan ofMel Robbins and I've read that
book.
It was amazing.
And you're right, it is verysimple and it's so succinct, but
that's why it's so helpful.
Speaker 2 (22:04):
Right, right and yeah , so I probably could benefit
from a greater support system.
Sometimes, when I need thatsupport, I feel like, when I do
need that support, I can reachout to my sister, I can reach
out to some friends or justlisten to these things that help
and get back on the right track.
Speaker 1 (22:22):
We've talked about help for your mom and her being
more independent, but what aboutyour boys?
They're boys, right, right.
What about them?
Do you ever need help with them?
Speaker 2 (22:32):
No, I do.
That's a great point, so wecan't do it alone.
I find that having people tocome in either when I'm home or
bring people in so that I can dowhat I need to do less
opportunities for me to work onmy business, which, in turn,
like you said, works on yourmental health, to be able to do
(23:02):
different things and haveanother purpose in life.
My kids are important, my momis important, but it helps to do
things for us, and that's whatI do for me as well as for
others.
So it's a multi-facetedapproach there.
But, yes, so, for instance,sometimes when I have events or
commitments and I have to becreative sometimes and make the
(23:26):
effort to find people to takecare of my sons, or at least one
of them who needs that thatcan't be left alone.
Right, yeah?
Speaker 1 (23:36):
Have you had to put in special boundaries in place
with friends and family to makesure that you do save your
sanity?
Speaker 2 (23:44):
It could be as simple as saying well, you don't call
me after this time, right, itcould be.
This is not a topic I want totalk about.
For instance, in my divorce mymom would ask me some questions,
or even after, and I just maybewasn't comfortable, where I was
in my either grief cycle orwhere I am in life, to really
want to talk about those things.
So I had to put a boundary onthat kind of thing.
Speaker 1 (24:07):
Yeah, we all have to do that, so that's good.
Do you think that you've becomemore compassionate now that
you've gone through this, or aregoing through this, for sure?
Speaker 2 (24:19):
So I would say before my focus was just all of my
kids and granted my marriage,and maybe putting kids first was
definitely my number onepriority and maybe I was less
flexible and less open to otherthings.
(24:39):
And so, through what happenedto me in the relationship and
ways I had to grow, my sistercommented during my transition,
during my process she's likeMarianne, you're a different
person now than you were before,and so I became more accepting,
I became more open.
I became more open to whatpeople go through in life,
(25:00):
because before it wasn'tsomething I had dealt with, I
wasn't from a divorced familyand I didn't know really how to
relate to that.
But it makes you definitelymore accepting of people and who
they are and the journeys thatthey've been on.
Speaker 1 (25:33):
I love that.
And then one last question.
Speaker 2 (25:34):
If you had to tell somebody today something that
could help them, if they weregoing through this for the first
time ever they just startedtaking care of their parents and
they've still got children totake care of what would you tell
them to help them them?
You don't say balance as muchas you can.
That was thought thinking aboutbefore our conversation about
the sandwich generation.
But I kind of saw itdifferently about sandwiches on
a plate.
Sometimes we have neat littlemini sandwiches on our plate and
they're nice and cut in nicelittle squares or whatever they
are, but sometimes it may be aclub sandwich.
(25:56):
It's all kinds of layers andall kinds of mess and all kinds
of things that we can't controland that's okay.
But it's not always going to belike that.
One day things are nice and neatand some days are more messy,
and some days one person mayneed more attention and another
day it may be somebody else.
So we have to know that we canshift in terms of our needs each
(26:18):
day and what we give and bringto that situation, and that need
may change over time as well.
So just because somebody ishaving a really bad day and one
child needs a lot of attentionis having some issues.
Hopefully that will get better.
We find ways to help it getbetter or sometimes to deal with
it, and part of the let them isaccepting that.
(26:39):
So maybe we can't change that,maybe that's just who they are
and that's their way they are,and we have to figure out okay,
how can we then adjust to that?
Speaker 1 (26:49):
Exactly so.
I know we're talking about thesandwich generation today, but
as we were talking, we diddiscuss the work that you do.
Now what if somebody wanted toget in touch with you so that
they could get some help withtheir neurodiverse children and
their divorce?
Speaker 2 (27:08):
Sure.
So my company is Special FamilyTransitions, so the easiest way
to reach me is through mywebsite,
wwwspecialfamilytransitionscom.
There's a contact form thereand there's a link to all my
social media, which is alsounder Social Family Transitions,
and I share a lot ofinformation and try to help in
any way I can.
(27:29):
I'm also trained not just as adivorce coach, which is
basically helping one parentmostly it's the mom, sometimes
the dad, but I love theopportunity sometimes to work
with both so I've also beentrained as a mediator and a
parenting coordinator and a lifecoach as well.
That's how I started my wholejourney there, so I can see
things from differentperspectives and maybe support
(27:51):
people no matter where they arein their life challenges and
transitions.
So it may not just be before,during and after divorce.
It could be maybe looking at abigger picture.
How do we co parent?
How do I deal with some of thechallenges I'm dealing with at
home?
I'm happy to try to help outfrom my experience and my
professional background as well,as much as I can to help either
(28:11):
one or both parents, to helpfacilitate conversations and try
to find ways to make thingsbetter for them and for their
kids.
Speaker 1 (28:19):
That's great and I know you're also a wonderful
speaker.
So is there a place where theycan watch one of your talks and
get to know you better?
Speaker 2 (28:28):
Sure, so on my YouTube channel I have a whole
playlist of podcasts that I'vebeen on and webinars, so people
are welcome to look there and Iappreciate you saying that.
And that's kind of a journeyI've been on.
I never thought I would be aspeaker, be in a public eye or
talk about these differentchallenges I've been through in
my life.
So I appreciate you saying thatand it's something that I love
(28:51):
doing.
I share from the heart andshare from my experience and try
to help people find a waythrough their challenges.
But, yeah, so definitely reachout, I can share some
information with you.
But, yeah, that's probably theeasiest way to find and I'll put
our episode there as well, sopeople can find, maybe,
different topics that are ofinterest to them.
A lot of them are about divorce, but some are about just
(29:13):
overall life and overcomingchallenges and adversity and
things like that.
Speaker 1 (29:24):
Great, and I'll put all of that in the show notes as
well, so people can easilyaccess all that information.
Is there anything you'd like toleave our listeners with today?
Just the last little piece ofsomething.
Speaker 2 (29:31):
Yes I would say.
No matter what you're goingthrough, just be true to who you
are.
The challenge that you'refacing will get better.
Just know that you can findsupport.
Don't be afraid to reach outfor help.
I think that's what helpspeople a lot.
And help me is not doing italone and knowing that there are
people like yourself, likemyself, who are there to help
(29:53):
other people, to help themthrough the difficult times, so
they can get on the right pathand then continue on from there.
So it's okay to ask for help.
For me in the past that washard for me to do, but it's made
a huge difference in my life.
Well said.
Speaker 1 (30:07):
Very well said.
Thank you so much, marianne.
I appreciate you coming ontoday.
Great, my pleasure.
Thank you, amy.
That was such a powerfulconversation with Marianne
Hughes.
I hope you heard not only thechallenges but also the
resilience, resourcefulness andheart it takes to juggle life in
the sandwich generation.
Marianne reminded us howimportant it is to ask for help,
(30:30):
to set boundaries and to keepfinding little ways to care for
ourselves, even when the platefeels too full.
Little ways to care forourselves even when the plate
feels too full.
You'll find links to connectwith her and learn more about
special family transitions inthe show notes.
Thank you so much for tuning intoday.
Until next time, keep advancing, warriors.
Welcome back to Advancing with Amy.
I'm your host, amy, mentalhealth warrior and neuro spicy
mama.
Today we're diving into thereality of the sandwich
generation what is like tobalance caring for both aging
parents and neurodiversechildren, while still trying to
hold on to yourself in theprocess?
(00:21):
My guest, marianne Hughes, isnot only living this every day,
but she's also built a businessto support families navigating
special needs and divorce.
She brings so much honesty,wisdom and compassion to the
conversation and I can't waitfor you to hear the story.
Welcome, marianne.
(00:51):
Hi Amy, how are you?
I'm doing well, thank you.
The question is how are you?
Speaker 2 (00:59):
I am doing, okay, I'm balancing a lot of things today
, but we make it through.
We always make it through.
Speaker 1 (01:05):
Yeah, talking about balancing things.
That's kind of what we'retalking about today.
Is you being part of thesandwich generation?
Can you tell me how thatstarted?
Speaker 2 (01:14):
Sure.
So I'm the mother of two nowyoung adult young men on the
autism spectrum and I've got amother who's elderly she doesn't
want me saying her age I won'tactually say her actual age but
she's doing well healthy.
She had a health incidentrecently but she's doing better.
So between taking care of bothmy boys, who have different
(01:37):
needs and neurodiverse needs,and my mom, and then trying to
take care of myself and being adivorced mom, it sometimes is a
lot and sometimes we can managesome days better than others.
Speaker 1 (01:48):
That makes sense.
Does everybody live with you?
Speaker 2 (01:52):
My mother does not, so she's in an independent
living community and doing wellthere.
My sons do live at home.
They're in their early 20s andthey live at home.
One goes to a universityprogram.
He actually just graduated froma learning differences program
(02:13):
and did great, and now he'sactually going to start his
master's degree.
So oh wow.
And my other son has differenttypes of challenges and
behaviors and so he's not ableto go to any kind of higher
education.
But he is in a day program,which basically a school day
take him, pick him up and thenhe's home after that.
Speaker 1 (02:32):
Right, I actually work for a managed care
organization for Medicaid, so Iknow a lot about working with
individuals with intellectualand developmental disabilities,
on top of my own work with myown child for her neurodiversity
.
So I get it.
And your mom being in anindependent living center, does
she have home help that comes inand helps her as well, or is it
(02:53):
just you so?
Speaker 2 (02:56):
she before her fall.
She was independent, grantedsome challenges with memory and
whatever comes along with age,but she was doing fine until one
day she had a fall, whichactually happened to be on a day
on a book that we co-authored.
There was a summit andliterally 30 minutes before was
(03:17):
my time to go on.
I get these texts and emailsthat I need to actually not text
because she can't text, but Igot a bunch of calls that I need
to that she had a fall.
Basically I fall and I can'tget up really literal fall.
So I had to make a choice.
Of course family comes first andthey were very understanding.
I had to not present and excusemyself and take care of my mom
(03:38):
and turned out we had to go tothe ER.
She got admitted, she was therefor a week spent, spent a week
in different types of settingsand then finally rehab yeah,
rehab, yeah, kind of like askilled nursing facility, for
about it was almost a month thenat that point, after spending a
week in the hospital and then,speaking of home health, she
didn't want anybody to come andhelp her.
(03:59):
We got signed up to have homehealth care come, but that was
going to be just sporadic visitshere and there based on what
she was approved for, and eventhat process took a while to get
that service started.
So basically it was me takingcare of her.
Now, I will say, and part ofthis whole journey is that you
have to know when to ask forhelp.
(04:20):
And so when my mom had the falland I saw the severity of it
and it would entail her being inthe hospital for a while, and I
was able to arrange then forsomeone to stay with my kids
that night because it was a lastminute thing and thankfully I
was able to find someone to staybecause I had to stay over with
my mom Then I called my sister,who lives in another state.
(04:41):
I said this is what happened.
She's like do I need to come?
Like, yeah, you need to come.
So luckily she was able to come.
She's got a young daughterherself.
She was able to fly to Houston,where I am, and was able to
spend a week here, which waswonderful because she's got her
own commitments there and also asingle mom.
So we were able to make thatwork.
(05:02):
So if she wasn't, if it wasn'tfor that, it would have been
really difficult, but so shehelped us with the transition,
then to go to the skillednursing and get her adjusted
there, and then I was able tocome in and be there.
But then I saw that I couldn'tbe there all the time and all
the time that she would need meGranted.
They have people there who say,you know, we'll take care of
her, she'll be fine.
But neither she nor I feltcomfortable with that situation.
(05:25):
So, besides my being there, Iwas able to find a resource
group which recommendeddifferent caregivers.
I was able to find a caregiverthen to spend some of those
overnights with my mom and thenI would come in during the day.
So it's kind of tag team.
Luckily I was able to bring mykids on the weekends and just
hang out, and it worked out.
(05:46):
So I guess the point issometimes we have to make
adjustments, but finding theright help and resources and
being the right mindset, thenhopefully it all works out.
Speaker 1 (05:57):
Right and you look great, you look like you've got
it all together, but how is yourmental health really and how
has it changed?
Speaker 2 (06:03):
But how is your mental health really and how has
it changed?
Yeah, so, granted, there's daysthat are harder than others,
depending on what is going onwith my kids or my mom, and so I
have to recognize thatsometimes we do need help.
So, for instance, today I had acall with a physician for my
(06:28):
son because he was having somechallenging behaviors.
It's a medical need that needsattention.
That may have been contributingto what we're seeing and they
were seeing in his program, andso I made an appointment with
somebody who had seen on offover the years and he was able
to offer some suggestions.
They were going to start a newmedication I think too serious,
but something to help maybeaddress some of his physical
ailments to.
Maybe then we'll address someother issues that we see going
(06:50):
on.
If I hadn't made that call thenwe might be stuck in a
situation where his situationmaybe is getting worse and of
course that has an impact on usand our patients and our ability
as a primary caregiver and momto be able to handle that and
balance everything else that wehave to do as well.
Speaker 1 (07:07):
Definitely.
And so, on top of all of this,do you work outside the home?
Speaker 2 (07:13):
So, I do have a business.
I started a business after mydivorce, really could have find
support to help in what I call aspecial needs divorce, and so I
decided, okay, I'm going totake my knowledge, what I
learned over the years, that ittook, and lots of time and
effort and just the whole energyof it, to start a company to
help others going through thissimilar challenge.
So I started my company,special Family Transitions, the
(07:36):
first time I had started anykind of entrepreneurial venture.
I have an MBA and I've workedhard to having kids but really
was a stay-at-home mom for 20years, so decided to put my
energy there.
Been doing that about fouryears now, and so that's what I
do, and so I work out of thehome, so I don't have an office.
So I have to balance what I havegoing on for my kids and my mom
(07:58):
and myself and try to schedulemy appointments and my
activities around that andsometimes around my business, my
appointments and my activitiesaround that and sometimes around
my business.
Sometimes I have to maybe getsitters, maybe get help or tell
my mom no, I can't be theretoday, I'll have this other
thing going on, and so I thinkit's a matter of managing our
time as well, in terms of maybeapproaching things different
(08:18):
ways, so creating time blocksand boundaries for ourselves and
for our loved ones.
Okay, this is the time that Ineed For me.
It brings me fulfillment aswell, so it's self-care activity
for me to do my business andwork with my clients and promote
what I do and share informationout there To me.
It brings me joy and that's oneof the things I do for me as
well as to help others.
Speaker 1 (08:39):
Yeah, so doing your business is a release for you.
Speaker 2 (08:49):
It is.
It is.
I enjoy it.
And, granted, there's alwaysmore to do and sometimes we feel
like we want to do more, butyou have to look at how far
we've come over time.
And so people do acknowledgeand recognize the work that I do
.
It's very unique in themarketplace.
There are a few people who doit I collaborate with them as
well, but it's something that'sneeded, and so it gives me a lot
of fulfillment to be able to dothat type of work.
Speaker 1 (09:10):
Oh yeah, when I was going through my divorce and
I've already said I have aneurodiverse child as well I
would have paid good money if Ihad known somebody like you.
That would have helped so muchfor me and for her.
Speaker 2 (09:22):
Right, that's the goal, yeah.
Speaker 1 (09:24):
Probably her dad as well would have got something
out of it.
Speaker 2 (09:27):
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (09:28):
Yeah, so we have a lot in common.
We both had a divorce, we bothhave neurodiverse children and
we both got our MBAno-transcript.
(10:13):
Do you ever get to rest, andwhat does that look like
nowadays?
Speaker 2 (10:18):
Yeah, so my rest mostly happens when everybody
else is doing something else.
So when my son is in his dayprogram my other son, he's going
to restart school and when mymom now she's in a good place,
great, I still have to check onher and do a lot of things, but
it's a lot less than it was interms of the ongoing care.
So I try to rest when I canthere and schedule my
(10:42):
appointments, work and rest andself-care.
I try to work out when I can.
But when the kids are withtheir dad, I call them kids.
They're young adults, but Istill call them my kids.
So that's a time that I canjust maybe relax as well.
Granted, it's an awful time tocatch up and do things and see
my mom, because it's hard totake them over there and that's
part of my relaxation is maybejust not doing anything.
(11:03):
My son will say are you goingto go out with your friends
while I'm at dad's?
Like no, I'm just, I'm tired.
I just want to relax today anddo whatever I want to do.
Speaker 1 (11:11):
Yeah, sometimes it's hard to think do I need time
with my friends to re-energize,or do I just need to like bed
and just be alone?
Speaker 2 (11:21):
Right, and so it depends what your circle of
friends looks like.
I do have some friends, but,given that they're all, a lot of
them are moms of kids withdifferent abilities.
Sometimes it's hard to scheduleand so, granted, one of my
goals is maybe make more of aneffort to be able to do that,
but sometimes, like you said,it's just good to just relax.
Speaker 1 (11:40):
Yeah, speaking of friends, do you have any support
groups you belong to oranything that helps with other
people that are in the same spotthat you're in?
Speaker 2 (11:48):
Yeah, so I'm in some great organizations one
specifically for special needsmoms, as they call it, where
they have a great Facebook group, they have social events, they
have educational sessions or onenext week about managing grief
and things like that, and theyhave some having what they call
a mom's camp and a few weekswhere it's a retreat type.
(12:10):
You can either go for the dayor for the weekend.
For me it's more difficult togo for the whole weekend right
now, so I'm going to go for theday, maybe an hour from where I
live, and just have a chance tosocialize, be pampered and just
have a nice time.
So that's great that I foundthis organization.
It's called Seal Magnolia Momsfor people who are interested,
and yeah, there's a whole storybehind it, but they do lots of
(12:32):
great things.
And so there's other groups aswell, and there's some smaller
one, there's some bigger ones.
So I would say, find somethingin your community that you can
connect, meet people who havegoing through similar things in
life.
Speaker 1 (12:44):
But even if you can't go in person, sometimes there's
online groups or online eventsor, like you said, find a coach
or a program that can be ofsupport.
That helps too.
Yeah, that's amazing that youfound them.
I'm glad to hear that.
What kind of makes you feeloverwhelmed or like maybe it's
getting to be too much?
Do you ever see that inyourself?
Speaker 2 (13:04):
You know.
So sometimes when my son'sbehaviors whether it's
repetitive behaviors or whateverit might be not that he can
control right, these are justthings that happen, the
different things going on in hisbody and his mind it can be
frustrating, especially we're ina rush.
And so, as an experiment to seeif we can make a difference, I
(13:25):
brought somebody in actuallyyesterday to see if that morning
routine might look differentwith a different approach, and
it did so.
Part of it was we got up alittle bit earlier and we took
some different approaches andthat stress level for all of us
went way down, went way down.
(13:48):
And so, yeah, I mean otherwise,yeah, when I see myself and see
the whole situation escalating,we just think, okay, how can we
intervene, how can we make itbetter and how can we change it
if we?
Speaker 1 (13:55):
can't.
That's great.
I know my daughter has a veryregimented getting ready routine
, and if you even wake her upfive minutes late, the whole day
is ruined.
Speaker 2 (14:06):
So she's got to follow that While I was getting
myself up earlier and thengetting him up earlier and now
we're not rushing as much andmaybe changing the expectation.
We use a timer a visual timeras well.
Found it online for a cheapprice and so that worked.
Didn't work so much today, I'mlike we'll try it again.
Speaker 1 (14:26):
It's all a process.
So you were talking about griefa little bit ago and that you
discussed that in your supportgroup.
Do you find that you have griefor loss of who you would be if
you didn't have all of these,these involvements, or do you
grieve loss before it happens?
(14:47):
What kind of grief are youtalking about?
Speaker 2 (14:50):
So I would say it depends where you are in your
journey.
So I'm on these Facebook groupsand read a lot of comments and
try to contribute where I can.
But I see a lot of moms whohave especially newly diagnosed
children with differentdisabilities or whatever it
might be.
They go through a grief processand so it's hard for them to
(15:10):
accept and I learned about thewhole grief cycle, about all the
phases that we go through thatare natural, and once I learned
about that, it made sense and itmade it easier and easier to
explain to other people thatthis is okay, it's natural for
you to feel this way, and Ithink it helps them to feel
validated that that's going on.
It's okay to have those kind offeelings.
I'm not a mental healthprofessional, so maybe you can
(15:31):
correct me if I have them in thewrong order or the wrong stages
.
But we've got denial and angerand bargaining, and then another
one in there, and thendepression and then, yes,
acceptance, right, so whatever.
Hopefully I'm pretty much right.
But when we finally get to thepoint of acceptance is when we
can do things for ourselves andfor others and make progress,
(15:51):
and that's what I try to do inmy coaching.
Okay, we've been through there.
You know where are we now andhow can we then get to where we
want to be?
And so I find that in my work alot of the sometimes both
parents aren't on the same pagein terms of where they are in
the grief cycle for theirchild's disability.
That affects things in thedivorce and the discussions I
guess.
Back to your original question.
(16:12):
I think when I was a youngermom, early in this journey as a
special needs mom, there was alot of grief and just through
life and through the divorce, Ithink I had to make a choice,
and my choice was I'm going toget through this and I'm going
to do what I need to do for mykids, and that's how I came
(16:32):
through that journey of grief.
In and of itself, granted,there's a whole grief of the
divorce and the loss of thatwhole marriage and the whole
life that we had.
The dream you had, yeah,exactly.
And so now enough years havegone by and I'm to the point
where that's in the past and nowI can focus on other things.
Speaker 1 (16:53):
That's great, and I think you did an excellent job
explaining the grief cycle, andI don't think it matters what
order it goes in, because griefis not linear, it's just
whatever you're feeling that day, and you might feel it one day
and get out of it and then hopback to it another day.
That's true that's true.
Speaker 2 (17:09):
So you'll sorry for ourselves for whatever reason,
or just be in a rut and that'sokay.
And that's okay to feel thatway, as long as we find a way to
to get out right.
Speaker 1 (17:17):
How do you find you and your mom's relationship has
changed since you've become acaregiver yeah.
Speaker 2 (17:25):
So I don't think she wants to consider me a caregiver
, but she is appreciative of theassistance I give her, so let's
put it that way.
So I think, by stepping backand letting her find her
independence again and herroutine, I think that's helped.
I think she was relying on mefor a lot of things and maybe I
(17:48):
was trying to be very involvedas much as I, and there was a
point where I needed to be.
But now that she's rebuilt herstrength and so on, yeah, I'm
spending less time there.
Part of it is because I've gotother things to do, but partly
because she doesn't need as muchsupport.
So, for instance, she was maybeafraid to do certainly
(18:10):
self-care tasks by herself, like, no mom, you can do it.
So I had to encourage her thatshe could do it and, yes, it was
a process.
Speaker 1 (18:19):
But yes, that probably makes her feel better,
even if she doesn't want to doit in the beginning.
Everybody feels better whenthey're independent and have
something to wake up and do inthe morning.
Speaker 2 (18:32):
Right, rhyla, you asked about some Susan who's
coming to help her now.
So she's only got a very fewsessions left of that the
support that she was receivingdifferent therapies that come to
her and she was like, well, whydo I still need them?
I'm done, I feel like I'm done.
I don't want them to comeanymore.
Part of it is she doesn't likedisrupting her routine.
She may want to wake up whenshe wants to wake up and do what
she wants to do, and they haveactivities where she lives that
(18:52):
she's very active in and so yeah, so I'm glad that she's back to
normal again, or at least finefor where she is now.
Speaker 1 (18:59):
Yeah, is she making?
Speaker 2 (19:00):
Yeah, she's been there for a while and so has
friends.
She loves doing the arts andcrafts activities and today my
son was over there having lunchwith her, so she enjoys that.
Speaker 1 (19:12):
That's amazing.
I love that.
All right, and do you feel likeyou are who you want to be at
this point, like you've beenable to be yourself, or do you
still feel like you're pulled intoo many directions, or now
that your mom's able to do morefor herself?
Speaker 2 (19:33):
are you able to do more for yourself?
I'm trying to.
That's a great question becausethere's a lot of things that I
want to do still that I haven'tbeen able to do, part of which
are maybe health goals.
Maybe I've kind of let myselfnot focus on myself and focus
more on my mom's and maybeeating the unhealthy things when
I was taking care of her kindof just eating when I was able
to, which wasn't maybe the bestchoices for what I was putting
(19:55):
in my mouth, and being moresedentary than maybe I should
have been.
So I need to get back into that.
But in terms of professionally,yeah, there's still so many
things I want to do and I'vemade a lot of progress and I
continue to.
It's not maybe at the pace thatmaybe I would have liked or
hoped or that would work, but weare where we are and it's okay.
(20:16):
It's not a race, it's a journeyand we have to have goals for
who we want to be.
If we don't have deadlines.
I find that helps me to maybemeet some more things and
milestones that I would like inmy business and my professional
life.
But, yeah, I'm still doing alot and sometimes new things
come on my plate every day thatI've got to handle, and then
somehow we make time for that.
Speaker 1 (20:39):
Well, yeah, and I personally have to have a goal,
or I just don't even want to getout of bed some days.
I think we've all been there,all right.
And do you ever feel likeanyone's judging you for
struggling if you do struggle orfor being too happy if you're
happy, or anything like that?
Or do you feel like you've gota good support system and their
(21:00):
understanding of whateveremotions you're feeling at the
time?
Speaker 2 (21:05):
I feel.
So I guess hard to answer thatbecause I don't know what other
people think and I'm at thepoint in my life where that's
not so important to me.
I used to know what peoplethought and now I've learned
through my divorce andeverything else, they can think
what they want to think.
I just recently listened onaudio I was driving back from
(21:25):
taking my kids to camp andactivity and I had a big drive
and I listened to the Let themTheory by Mel Robbins and so,
even though some of that isintuitive, but it's a good
reminder that people are goingto think what they're going to
think and we can't let thatbother us.
And the other flip side of thatwhich I learned, which I didn't
know before, is the let me.
So we take, let them dowhatever thing, think what they
(21:48):
want, but then what am I goingto do about it?
How am I going to approach asituation?
So that was powerful too.
Speaker 1 (21:53):
I love that.
Yeah, yeah, I'm a big fan ofMel Robbins and I've read that
book.
It was amazing.
And you're right, it is verysimple and it's so succinct, but
that's why it's so helpful.
Speaker 2 (22:04):
Right, right and yeah , so I probably could benefit
from a greater support system.
Sometimes, when I need thatsupport, I feel like, when I do
need that support, I can reachout to my sister, I can reach
out to some friends or justlisten to these things that help
and get back on the right track.
Speaker 1 (22:22):
We've talked about help for your mom and her being
more independent, but what aboutyour boys?
They're boys, right, right.
What about them?
Do you ever need help with them?
Speaker 2 (22:32):
No, I do.
That's a great point, so wecan't do it alone.
I find that having people tocome in either when I'm home or
bring people in so that I can dowhat I need to do less
opportunities for me to work onmy business, which, in turn,
like you said, works on yourmental health, to be able to do
(23:02):
different things and haveanother purpose in life.
My kids are important, my momis important, but it helps to do
things for us, and that's whatI do for me as well as for
others.
So it's a multi-facetedapproach there.
But, yes, so, for instance,sometimes when I have events or
commitments and I have to becreative sometimes and make the
(23:26):
effort to find people to takecare of my sons, or at least one
of them who needs that thatcan't be left alone.
Right, yeah?
Speaker 1 (23:36):
Have you had to put in special boundaries in place
with friends and family to makesure that you do save your
sanity?
Speaker 2 (23:44):
It could be as simple as saying well, you don't call
me after this time, right, itcould be.
This is not a topic I want totalk about.
For instance, in my divorce mymom would ask me some questions,
or even after, and I just maybewasn't comfortable, where I was
in my either grief cycle orwhere I am in life, to really
want to talk about those things.
So I had to put a boundary onthat kind of thing.
Speaker 1 (24:07):
Yeah, we all have to do that, so that's good.
Do you think that you've becomemore compassionate now that
you've gone through this, or aregoing through this, for sure?
Speaker 2 (24:19):
So I would say before my focus was just all of my
kids and granted my marriage,and maybe putting kids first was
definitely my number onepriority and maybe I was less
flexible and less open to otherthings.
(24:39):
And so, through what happenedto me in the relationship and
ways I had to grow, my sistercommented during my transition,
during my process she's likeMarianne, you're a different
person now than you were before,and so I became more accepting,
I became more open.
I became more open to whatpeople go through in life,
(25:00):
because before it wasn'tsomething I had dealt with, I
wasn't from a divorced familyand I didn't know really how to
relate to that.
But it makes you definitelymore accepting of people and who
they are and the journeys thatthey've been on.
Speaker 1 (25:33):
I love that.
And then one last question.
Speaker 2 (25:34):
If you had to tell somebody today something that
could help them, if they weregoing through this for the first
time ever they just startedtaking care of their parents and
they've still got children totake care of what would you tell
them to help them them?
You don't say balance as muchas you can.
That was thought thinking aboutbefore our conversation about
the sandwich generation.
But I kind of saw itdifferently about sandwiches on
a plate.
Sometimes we have neat littlemini sandwiches on our plate and
they're nice and cut in nicelittle squares or whatever they
are, but sometimes it may be aclub sandwich.
(25:56):
It's all kinds of layers andall kinds of mess and all kinds
of things that we can't controland that's okay.
But it's not always going to belike that.
One day things are nice and neatand some days are more messy,
and some days one person mayneed more attention and another
day it may be somebody else.
So we have to know that we canshift in terms of our needs each
(26:18):
day and what we give and bringto that situation, and that need
may change over time as well.
So just because somebody ishaving a really bad day and one
child needs a lot of attentionis having some issues.
Hopefully that will get better.
We find ways to help it getbetter or sometimes to deal with
it, and part of the let them isaccepting that.
(26:39):
So maybe we can't change that,maybe that's just who they are
and that's their way they are,and we have to figure out okay,
how can we then adjust to that?
Speaker 1 (26:49):
Exactly so.
I know we're talking about thesandwich generation today, but
as we were talking, we diddiscuss the work that you do.
Now what if somebody wanted toget in touch with you so that
they could get some help withtheir neurodiverse children and
their divorce?
Speaker 2 (27:08):
Sure.
So my company is Special FamilyTransitions, so the easiest way
to reach me is through mywebsite,
wwwspecialfamilytransitionscom.
There's a contact form thereand there's a link to all my
social media, which is alsounder Social Family Transitions,
and I share a lot ofinformation and try to help in
any way I can.
(27:29):
I'm also trained not just as adivorce coach, which is
basically helping one parentmostly it's the mom, sometimes
the dad, but I love theopportunity sometimes to work
with both so I've also beentrained as a mediator and a
parenting coordinator and a lifecoach as well.
That's how I started my wholejourney there, so I can see
things from differentperspectives and maybe support
(27:51):
people no matter where they arein their life challenges and
transitions.
So it may not just be before,during and after divorce.
It could be maybe looking at abigger picture.
How do we co parent?
How do I deal with some of thechallenges I'm dealing with at
home?
I'm happy to try to help outfrom my experience and my
professional background as well,as much as I can to help either
(28:11):
one or both parents, to helpfacilitate conversations and try
to find ways to make thingsbetter for them and for their
kids.
Speaker 1 (28:19):
That's great and I know you're also a wonderful
speaker.
So is there a place where theycan watch one of your talks and
get to know you better?
Speaker 2 (28:28):
Sure, so on my YouTube channel I have a whole
playlist of podcasts that I'vebeen on and webinars, so people
are welcome to look there and Iappreciate you saying that.
And that's kind of a journeyI've been on.
I never thought I would be aspeaker, be in a public eye or
talk about these differentchallenges I've been through in
my life.
So I appreciate you saying thatand it's something that I love
(28:51):
doing.
I share from the heart andshare from my experience and try
to help people find a waythrough their challenges.
But, yeah, so definitely reachout, I can share some
information with you.
But, yeah, that's probably theeasiest way to find and I'll put
our episode there as well, sopeople can find, maybe,
different topics that are ofinterest to them.
A lot of them are about divorce, but some are about just
(29:13):
overall life and overcomingchallenges and adversity and
things like that.
Speaker 1 (29:24):
Great, and I'll put all of that in the show notes as
well, so people can easilyaccess all that information.
Is there anything you'd like toleave our listeners with today?
Just the last little piece ofsomething.
Speaker 2 (29:31):
Yes I would say.
No matter what you're goingthrough, just be true to who you
are.
The challenge that you'refacing will get better.
Just know that you can findsupport.
Don't be afraid to reach outfor help.
I think that's what helpspeople a lot.
And help me is not doing italone and knowing that there are
people like yourself, likemyself, who are there to help
(29:53):
other people, to help themthrough the difficult times, so
they can get on the right pathand then continue on from there.
So it's okay to ask for help.
For me in the past that washard for me to do, but it's made
a huge difference in my life.
Well said.
Speaker 1 (30:07):
Very well said.
Thank you so much, marianne.
I appreciate you coming ontoday.
Great, my pleasure.
Thank you, amy.
That was such a powerfulconversation with Marianne
Hughes.
I hope you heard not only thechallenges but also the
resilience, resourcefulness andheart it takes to juggle life in
the sandwich generation.
Marianne reminded us howimportant it is to ask for help,
(30:30):
to set boundaries and to keepfinding little ways to care for
ourselves, even when the platefeels too full.
Little ways to care forourselves even when the plate
feels too full.
You'll find links to connectwith her and learn more about
special family transitions inthe show notes.
Thank you so much for tuning intoday.
Until next time, keep advancing, warriors.
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