No One Talks About the Grief | Ep 64

When insomnia shows up, it can feel like more than lost sleep.

You may grieve the loss of freedom, spontaneity, and the trust you once had.

In this episode, Beth talks about:

• Why grief is a normal part of insomnia 
• The two main ways it can show up
• How it changes over time and becomes a source of wisdom 
• Her own story of loss, healing, and learning to trust life again

If you’ve ever felt sad about how much insomnia has taken from you, this episode will help you feel understood, connected, and hopeful. 

In support, 

Beth

Connect with Beth:

 👉  Instagram 

Work with Beth:

👉   Learn About the Mind. Body. Sleep. Mentorship
👉   Start the Free Insomnia Course Here

Show Notes HERE.


About Beth Kendall MA, FNTP: 

For decades, Beth struggled with the relentless grip of insomnia. After finally understanding insomnia from a mind-body perspective, she changed her relationship with sleep, and completely recovered. Liberated from the constant worry of not sleeping, she’s on a mission to help others recover as well. Her transformative program Mind. Body. Sleep.® has been a beacon of light for hundreds of others seeking solace from sleepless nights.

© 2023 - 2025 Beth Kendall

DISCLAIMER: The podcasts available on this website have been produced for informational, educational and entertainment purposes only. The contents of this podcast do not constitute medical or professional advice. No person listening to and/or viewing any podcast from this website should act or refrain from acting on the basis of the content of a podcast without first seeking appropriate professional advice and/or counseling, nor shall the information be used as a substitute for professional advice and/or counseling. The Mind. Body. Sleep. Podcast expressly disclaims any and all liability relating to any actions taken or not taken based on any or all contents of this site as there are no assurances as to any particular outcome.

Mind. Body. Sleep.® with Beth Kendall is your trusted source for holistic insomnia recovery, blending neuroplasticity, nervous system health, and mind-body coaching to help you finally sleep again.

Episode Transcript

SPEAKER_00 (00:05):
Hello and welcome to Mind Body Sleep, the podcast for
anyone out there who wants tounderstand and recover from
insomnia using a holisticperspective.
I'm Beth Kendall, your host.
Let's get started.
Well, hello everyone, andwelcome back to the podcast.
It is great to be with youtoday.

(00:26):
For those of you that may not befamiliar with me yet, my name is
Beth.
I am a sleep coach for peopleworking through insomnia.
And can you believe that this isalready episode number 64?
I can't believe it, you guys.
And I am very excited to berecording on a brand new

(00:51):
microphone today.
My old mic worked okay, but Ihad to hold my head really still
in one little spot, or the soundwould fluctuate a whole lot.
So if you know me, then you knowthat I tend to move around a lot
when I'm talking.
So, you know, it was just timefor an upgrade, but never

(01:15):
underestimate what a$56microphone can do for you.
All right, so we got a newmicrophone, some new energy, and
a topic today that is a littledeeper because for this episode,
I had to go back in time to achapter of my life that felt

(01:38):
heavy.
It was a time when I wasprocessing a lot of grief.
Grief is such a common yet oftenoverlooked part of insomnia.
You rarely hear people talkabout it, but it's something
that almost everyone experiencesin some way.

(02:02):
So I wanted to shine a light onthat today and share a little of
my own perspective in hopes thatit helps anyone currently going
through some grief feel seen andunderstood.
If you were to look up thedefinition of grief, it really

(02:23):
is just a natural response toloss, right?
It's the brain's way ofreorganizing around a new
reality after something we caredabout or relied on has changed
or disappeared.
And it's not limited to death,right?

(02:46):
People grieve all kinds ofthings.
The loss of a relationship, aphase of life, a sense of
health, or even an old identity.
And for people with insomnia,there's often this quiet
background grief around theperceived loss of your own

(03:08):
ability to sleep.
There are two main ways that Itend to see grief or sadness
show up in my work.
And of course, there are otherways, but I'll focus on these
two for today.
The first way I usually see itshow up is in the earlier stages

(03:28):
of insomnia or right around thetime someone begins the recovery
process.
And this often looks like lifebefore insomnia and life after
insomnia.
Because for a lot of people,this contrast can feel really
stark.

(03:49):
And you're not just grieving theloss of sleep and feeling
rested.
You're grieving a life that usedto feel free and easy, right?
You're grieving the version ofyou who could stay out late and
make plans and not have to thinktwice about any of this.

(04:10):
You're grieving spontaneity andfun and feeling fully present.
And you're grieving a brain thatwasn't constantly consumed by
sleep.
When I think back to my lifewith insomnia, that is really
what stands out the most was howmuch it seemed to steal my inner

(04:37):
freedom.
And it's not that I wasn't doingthings because I was.
There were plenty of amazingmoments and accomplishments
along the way, but I wasn'tfully enjoying them.
I wasn't really there for thembecause I was always trying to

(04:58):
plan my life around the statusof my sleep.
So you might be grieving thattoo, you know, the way you used
to trust your body, the waysleep used to be a non-issue.
And maybe you're grieving thesense of safety that gets shaken
up when sleep starts to feel souncertain.

(05:21):
And that kind of grief runsdeep, right?
It's at an identity levelbecause it touches on who you
believe yourself to be.
It can feel like you've lostthis part of yourself and you're
not sure if or when it's evercoming back.

(05:42):
Now, this is one part ofinsomnia that I didn't have to
work through in the same waythat many of my clients do,
because insomnia for me startedso early in life that it was all
I knew.
I really didn't have a before.
So there wasn't a clear linebetween life before insomnia and

(06:07):
life after.
It was just my life.
For me, grief showed up more inthe shape of envy.
I envied that other people couldsleep so easily because it's
something I couldn't seem to do.
I envied that they could live sofreely and do fun things without

(06:34):
having to feel like you'll bepunished for it later.
I envied people that could taketrips and drink caffeine and be
spontaneous and never once haveto think about sleep.
Those were things that didn'tfeel safe or easy for me.

(06:57):
And I remember wondering why Icouldn't have that kind of life.
And looking back, now that I'mtalking about it, I can see that
it wasn't so much envy, it wassadness.
It was sadness for that versionof me who felt like everything

(07:21):
was such a struggle.
So those were some really hardtimes.
So that's the kind of grief thatusually shows up in the early
stages.
It's the missing your old lifefeeling of grief.
But there's another kind ofgrief that can appear later when

(07:43):
you're coming out the other sideof insomnia.
And oftentimes something stillfeels off.
For some people, this stagefeels completely smooth, right?
They slip right back into lifevery easily and there's no
looking back.
But for others, it can feel alittle bit more complicated or

(08:09):
nuanced.
Maybe it's not the relief theyimagined it would be, or maybe
they don't quite know how toprocess what they've been
through.
Or maybe they feel like theyshould be happy now that they're
sleeping, but they're not.
And they're wondering what'swrong.

(08:32):
Some people feel very alone atthis stage because the people
around them can't fullyunderstand what they've just
lived through.
And I can't tell you how deeplyI understand that.
Because my transition out ofillness and insomnia wasn't

(08:57):
anything like I thought it wouldbe.
I had this vision that I wouldjust snap back into life,
everything would be fine, andthings would just go back to
normal.
And honestly, it was anythingbut that.
My situation was a littledifferent.

(09:17):
I spent five years on disabilitywith Lyme disease, and for the
most part, throughout that time,I was either bedbound or
housebound.
So I really was verydisconnected from life.
When I started stepping backinto the world, I felt like an

(09:37):
alien.
I really did.
People treated me like I wasstill the old me, but I wasn't
that person anymore.
And it was incrediblydisorienting.
It was like what I would imaginemoving to a foreign country

(09:58):
where the culture is very, verydifferent from your own would be
like.
And I remember everydayconversations felt so
meaningless to me compared towhat I had just lived through,
because for so long my everydaylife had been about survival.

(10:18):
So this was a real integrationor reintegration phase for me.
And I carried a lot ofsurvivor's guilt because many of
the friends I had made duringthose years were still sick or
struggling.
And I had a lot of grief andguilt about that.

(10:42):
And I specifically rememberthinking, God, you know, I've
come out of this incrediblydifficult thing.
I spent everything I had tryingto heal, only to be healed by
the backyard bee.
I finally get my health back,and now I've got to rebuild my

(11:03):
life.
Are you kidding me?
You know, I remember thinkingthat so many times because there
was no reward, there was norecognition, no celebration for
what I'd been through.
Lyme disease was still somisunderstood at the time that
it felt like I had fought thisinvisible battle that no one

(11:29):
knew anything about.
And that's kind of how it iswith insomnia, too.
It's so invisible.
So when my students struggle tofind their footing after coming
out of insomnia, I really getthat.

(11:49):
And of course, like I said, noteveryone experiences this.
And my situation definitely hadsome extra layers to it.
It really just depends on yourhistory and how emotionally
charged the journey has been foryou.
What helped me move through thatphase of my life was realizing

(12:17):
that yes, there was a lot ofgrief to process, but there were
also some really beautifulthings that came from it.
You've probably heard me talkabout the law of polarity.
I love this law, because youcan't have one end of the

(12:40):
spectrum without the samepotential on the other end.
They're two parts of the samecontinuum.
I've had plenty of grief in mylife, but I've also had plenty
of love.
And honestly, that's the kind oflife I've always wanted.

(13:03):
It's the kind I've always askedfor.
I've always wanted the fullenchilada, so to speak.
So if you're processing somegrief right now, just know that
it is completely normal.
We humans love to judge ouremotions, right?

(13:24):
We love to tell ourselves weshouldn't be feeling what we're
feeling.
But if you're experiencinggrief, then you're experiencing
grief.
It just means you're a part ofthe human race and humans feel
things.
So give yourself loads of timeand grace to move through it.

(13:46):
Your nervous system is simplyintegrating a painful chapter in
your life, and integration ishealing, even if it doesn't feel
like it yet.
So give yourself loads of timeand grace to move through it.
Your nervous system is simplyintegrating a painful chapter in

(14:10):
your life, and integration ishealing, even if it doesn't feel
like it.
In time, my grief started toshift and move.
It went from feeling really,really heavy to feeling lighter

(14:31):
and easier to carry.
And that's when I startedlooking for an emotional bridge,
you know, a way to step intosomething new or hold my past in
a way that felt more doable orjust a little more okay.

(14:53):
And that part of things wasreally important to me because
the way we hold the past shapeshow we create our future.
But I had to wait until I wasready.
And that wasn't during thedeepest parts of my grief.
So one teaching that reallystayed with me and helped me out

(15:17):
of this phase was the idea ofletting go of the pain and
holding on to the wisdom.
I really loved that idea ofextracting the wisdom from what
I'd been through because wisdomfeels empowering, right?

(15:38):
It feels meaningful.
It's probably the most valuablething we can carry with us
throughout life.
Another way I started to see itwas that maybe this was the only
way I would have experiencedtrue surrender.

(16:02):
And to me, surrender is theclosest thing to freedom we can
know in this life.
My suffering was so great duringthat time of my life that the
only thing left for me wassurrender.

(16:23):
And that moment changedeverything for me.
It changed my whole life.
But would I have gotten therewithout going that low?
I don't know.
Knowing myself, probably not.
So, in many ways, I'm gratefulfor that.
And the last thing I'll share isthat going through all of it

(16:48):
gave me a deeper sense of trustin my body.
And not just my body, but thedivine intelligence within it.
It taught me to trust life.
And for me, this work has alwaysbeen about going deeper and

(17:09):
deeper into trust.
And my past experiences haveabsolutely made space for that.
And with that, I'll wrap uptoday's episode.
If you're enjoying the podcast,I'd love it if you took a moment
to leave a rating or review.
That helps me reach others whomight need this work, and it

(17:30):
means a lot to me too.
Until next time, I'm BethKendall, and you've been
listening to the Mind Body SleepPodcast.
Take good care and bye for now.
Thanks for being here today.
If you love what you heard ontoday's episode, don't forget to
hit the like button andsubscribe to the podcast.
And if you need more supportwith your sleep, join me in the

(17:52):
Mind Body Sleep Mentorship.
This three month one on oneprogram will transform your
relationship with sleep so youcan get back to living the life
that you love free from the fearof not sleeping.
Head on over to bethkendle.comfor more details.
I'll see you next time.