January 8, 2023 • 51 mins
Your Host: Shyra DeJuan (ShyTheHealer)
The 5 Values of Healthy Loving Relationships, Exploring FIPES- Financial, Intellectual, Physical, Emotional and Spiritual aspects of finding true love and healing from past relational experiences.
Learn ways to grow healthier in your marriage, in your long-term relationship or future relationship! This session is for EVERYONE!
The way we view, shape and speak about how we feel about a negative experience in our life, determines how we heal. Practice positive language and recognize how it develops your thoughts & actions avoid saying break up, failed marriage or failed relationships. Those phrases create negative language that internalizes negative thoughts about the experience. Use terms like, we weren’t aligned, we grew apart, our separation was a mutual agreement.
We have been conditioned to believe that we have failed at a relationship when the truth is, you went through a relational learning experience and you can take time to analyze & embrace your faults, forgive yourself and the other person for those faults and misunderstandings. Then you can take the time to heal, grow and be better for your next relationship. If you don’t grow and learn from a relationship that was not aligned, you will be in a continuous cycle of those same types of unhealthy relationships or trauma bonds. After ending a relationship that was not aligned to your values, be willing to take at least 8-12 months to heal, find yourself and values before entering into a new relationship.
The term FIPES (Financial, Intellectual, Physical, Emotional, Spiritual) was created by Shyra DeJuan and is based on her Independent Research Study relating to relationships completed in 2011.
Donate & Support Shyra DeJuan’s Podcast
https://www.buymeacoffee.com/79wdgzhfdwp
Mr. Jason Wilson Book titled Battle Cry: Waging the War Within
Click link for book
https://amzn.to/3XaoHuZ
Eternal Sunshine: Love & Relationships by Londrelle
Click link for book
https://amzn.to/3CLJGvV
Follow Me on Instagram send a video or voice message: I'm on Instagram as shythehealer. DM your video!
https://www.instagram.com/invites/contact/?i=ps65ixdo89ap&utm_content=kww2cv0
Donate and Support Link:
https://www.buymeacoffee.com/79wdgzhfdwp
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:04):
All smiles champions.
Welcome to mine.
Elevation health and wealth.
My name is Dhawan.
I'm an emotional healer,educator and entrepreneur.
Each week, we will dig deep intoemotionally healing, all aspects
of your life to increase yourability to create prosperity
mind, elevation health andwealth allows you to elevate and
(00:26):
shift into a growth mindset.
Share each moment with me, I'mgiving you permission to fulfill
all of the unique desires ofyour heart judgment free
shame-free guilt-free elementsto heal your mind and body as
you listen and consume the wordsof the session with no fear.
Fear of loss champions if weheal together we'll be real
(00:47):
together Embrace unconditionallove and keep listening healing
is health health is wealth youare here on purpose Session six,
five values of healthy lovingrelationships.
Listen and listen well,champions, whether you would get
(01:08):
peace from God, peace from theuniverse or peace within self
healthy relationships arenecessary for living in peace
and being in love.
Back in 2011, my senior year ofcollege, undergrad, I had to
complete an independent studyclass.
The requirements for theindependent study were to
complete a research paper.
(01:30):
Over 30 pages of research.
with only scholarly journalsthat I could use as my sources.
I chose to do my independentstudy and research on the
foundation of romanticrelationships.
Within my research, I createdfive major areas that I
personally felt were importantfor relationships to flourish.
(01:50):
And then I successfully foundover 15 scholarly journals to
back my claims.
The five areas of focus for myresearch paper.
We're financially.
Intellectually physically,emotionally and spiritually.
Those five.
For my research paper, I use theacronym fights.
(02:12):
F is for financial.
I is for intellectual P is forphysical E is for emotional and
S is for spiritual fights.
I had the opportunity to pullup, publish my relationship book
based on my research.
And my book is stillunpublished.
I have to blame my impostersyndrome for not publishing it.
(02:33):
However.
Due to some major lifeexperiences since then.
I'm so glad that I'm able toverbally share with you today on
this podcast.
We will discuss those five areasas it relates to your current
companion.
If you are in a relationship,your future companion, if you
plan to be in a relationship andhow to properly heal from a
(02:54):
breakup or being misaligned.
If you are single or newlysingle, we all have ignored red
flags.
We have sacrificed our dealbreakers, and we have been open
to starting a relationship withsomeone that we know immediately
isn't for us, or isn't good forus.
(03:15):
But we create in our minds, weare going to fix this person.
I'm guilty of all these things.
And I'm the first to admit thatit has also been the cause of
relationships being short timeor ending.
Think of fights.
As a strong foundational balanceof any relationship.
The first letter of fights we'regoing to cover is financially.
(03:39):
If you were looking for someonethat can afford to take care of
you.
You are not looking for love.
You're looking for a sponsor.
No judgment.
But this podcast is aboutfinding genuine love and
companionship.
Based on my research, financialinstability can be the reason
for many disagreements andhardships in a romantic
relationship.
Please listen to session fourpodcasts on creating a healthy
(04:03):
relationship with money.
If you're still strugglingfinancially.
You must be willing to make somepositive changes financially.
If you plan to successfullybuild a healthy relationship.
Which brings me to theimportance of the purpose of the
value of having financialbalance when entering or keeping
a healthy relationship.
(04:23):
If you are a listener that iscurrently married or currently
already in a long-termrelationship, it's important
that you sit down with yourpartner and make sure you
discuss this sometimes difficultconversations happen when you're
talking about money.
Create your financial goalstogether.
If you have separate accounts orhidden money in accounts,
(04:45):
analyze why you feel the need tohide money.
Or your spending habits fromyour significant other.
This behavior is a sign of notbeing aligned with your partner
financially.
Repairs can be made if yougenerally love and want to
elevate and bill with yourpartner.
Notice I'm using the phrase,finding balance and alignment.
(05:09):
This is important.
Balance and alignment arenecessary for understanding your
financial values.
This doesn't mean you both haveto make the same amount of
money.
It means that you both havealigned the same relationship
goals as it relates to thefinancial stability within your
relationship.
If you're married, there shouldbe a family budget created
(05:30):
together.
Everyone in the family should beheld responsible for their part
of understanding and keeping thebudget.
Having an open conversationabout spending habits and
creating a savings goal togethercan help to find balance within
the relationship.
If you're not married, but in along-term relationship, you may
not necessarily have to discloseall of your financial
(05:53):
information as if you were amarried couple, but you
definitely should have aconversation about healthy ways
to save together, discussspending habits and future
financial outlooks after all, ifyou are in a relationship
long-term, and there's apossibility of marriage in the
future, you don't want to gointo a marriage with poor
financial baggage.
For example.
(06:14):
If you notice your partner is anextremely materialistic impulse
buyer and purchase a belt thatcosts$700 to flex on social
media.
Then the following week, thatsame partner had to borrow money
from you to pay utility bill.
You are frugal and notmaterialistic.
And you choose to pay all yourmajor bills first before you buy
(06:37):
nice things for yourself.
So your partner knows you willhave the extra money to cover
their overspending.
You need to have a financialconversation to find equal
balance.
It isn't healthy to be in arelationship and suffer through
financial hardships due toreckless spending.
Your financial values are notaligned.
(06:58):
And if your person is notwilling to build with you
financially, it's time toconsider it.
This relationship is even worthmoving forward.
There should be values placed onfinancial stability for a
healthy, loving relationship toflourish.
Understanding that you don'thave to be a millionaire to be
financially stable.
You can make less than$30,000 ayear and be financially stable.
(07:22):
If you're accurately livingwithin your means as a single
person.
When you put yourself out thereto find a partner while dating,
let fights be a part of yourdating conversation.
Create a safe space to discussbeing aligned financially.
Ask open-ended questions suchas, how do you describe your
spending habits?
(07:43):
You don't have to be blunt.
And say, what's your creditscore?
But be open to sharing, sharing,something like.
Having good credit is importantto me.
That doesn't mean you won't datethe person because of it.
It just means they should bewilling to work towards finding
that balance financialstability.
(08:04):
Savings habits and spendinghabits are extremely important.
Relationship, goals, and values.
If you're listening and realizeyou need to personally grow in
the area of financial stability.
It's a great idea to work onyourself financially first,
before seeking a lovingrelationship.
The second letter of fights.
(08:26):
Is the eye.
Intellectually.
I have a famous line that I usewhen I mentor youth.
It's.
Don't date dummies.
You may have realized you weredating a person with the lower
intellect.
Low intellect and immatureadults blame other people
instead of being responsible fortheir own actions.
They only talk about lifecomplaints, work complaints, or
(08:49):
friend complaints.
We all know what it's like tohold a conversation with someone
that has a low level ofintellectual maturity.
If you find yourself overexplaining basic concepts, if
the person can't hold aconversation regarding goals and
ideas, but they constantly talkabout other people or talk about
themselves.
If the person has an extremelyclose mind, so they get angry
(09:11):
and argue about simple topicsinstead of being open to listen
to other people's ideas or toshare their own ideas.
Lower level intellectuals arenot capable of having a peaceful
debate over the simplest topics.
If the person.
It's still not able to makebasic life decisions on their
(09:32):
own.
If your conversation consists ofcussing each other out negative
name, calling, talking down oneach other or talking down about
other people.
If asking a simple questionresults in a heating argument.
If the only time you talk aboutanything, agreeable is when
you're discussing intimacy.
Those are low intellectconversations you deserve to
(09:54):
hold a loving intellectualconversation with your partner,
exploring new ideas, sharing,meaningful thoughts.
Uh, aspirations and future goalsyou deserve to hold
conversations relating totopics, worldviews or life
experiences.
Healthy intellectualconversation is a sign of two
people aligned with intellectualmaturity.
(10:16):
Sometimes these relationshipscan start out really fun and
exciting in the beginning.
However, longterm, when thingsget serious, you realize you
ignored all the signs of lowintellect.
You may have even joked about itwith your close friends and
still continue to date theperson.
Even though the person was kindalike really low intellect.
Knowing that you were notbalanced or aligned on an
(10:39):
intellectual level, theconversation eventually fades
boredom strikes, and you mayhave nothing to grow towards
within the relationship.
If you have chosen to beintimately involved with this
person, that may be the only wayyou connect.
I'm not saying that people thatare on similar levels of
intellect do not havedisagreements is actually
(11:01):
healthy to have some meaningfuldisagreements to solve real
issues.
I'm saying the disagreementsshould not end with a physical
fight.
Or verbal abuse.
Intellectual aspects of a personcan vary in so many ranges.
I'm also not saying if you havea college degree, you should
only date people that have acollege degree.
(11:22):
Having a college degree does notmean you have a high level of
intellect.
It may increase your intellectin some areas, but it doesn't
mean it makes you intellectuallymature.
There are extremely intelligentpeople that do not have a
college degree, but have highlevels of intellectual maturity.
Find a person that can matchyour intellectual energy.
(11:44):
Here is a vocabulary word andfun fact, if you find
intelligence sexually attractiveor arousing, you are considered
to be a sapiosexual.
I thought that was like, A cutevocabulary word.
If you are listening and yourealize you need to personally
grow in the area of intellectualmaturity, it's a great idea to
(12:06):
work on yourself intellectuallyfirst, before seeking a loving
relationship.
The third letter of FIPSE is theletter P physically.
Physical attraction is extremelyimportant.
Whether it's being physicallyattracted to a person shape or
body type physically attractedto a person's facial features,
(12:28):
skin color, hair, nails, styleof dress.
These aspects of physicalattraction are usually the first
thing you notice when you meet aperson in person.
Can't really be sure if you'reonline dating because you can
fall in love with someoneintellectually and emotionally,
and then be physically catfishwith fake images.
This is why the TV seriescatfish is so popular.
(12:50):
Okay.
The words handsome.
Beautiful, fine.
Pretty tall, short or fun size.
Models, hype and sexy.
The words we use to describephysical attributes to our
partner or potential partner.
If you are currently married orcurrently in a long-term
relationship, hopefully youstill have a physical attraction
(13:12):
to your partner.
If nine is Tod to analyzechanges that can be made to
bring the attraction back.
The important part is makingsure you are happy with your
physical appearance.
Sometimes people get comfortablein a relationship and let
themselves go.
And for whatever reasons,decided not to take care of
themselves anymore.
Because they're in arelationship.
That isn't fair to your partner,withholding and denying physical
(13:37):
intimacy in a marriage is alsounhealthy and not fair to your
partner.
However, if there is anunexpected health condition that
prevents certain levels ofintimacy, that's beyond your
control.
It's just not fair to withhold,to be mean or be spiteful and
say, oh, like, we're not goingto have sex because you know,
you just want to be mean nowphysical attraction is sometimes
(14:00):
the initial attraction todevelop a new relationship.
Some people have their physicaldeal breakers.
My person should be at least sixfeet tall, or my person should
be small and petite, or myperson shouldn't be too skinny
or my person shouldn't be toofat.
My person should be in shape andmuscular.
(14:21):
We have heard all of those dealbreakers.
We know amazing humans that havebeen dismissed because of their
height or their weight.
But the reality is physicalattraction.
Is that important for somepeople?
The other side of physicalattraction involves sex and
intimacy.
And my most recent studies, Ifound that it may not be healthy
(14:43):
to start a relationship based onsexual.
Intimacy.
Although I can hear some of youthinking I can't be with
someone.
If they can't please mesexually.
I know, I know no judgment.
However, if you rush into havingsex too soon, I will say this.
The person that you feel is yoursoulmate.
(15:04):
Your soulmate connectpassionately with that person.
However, if you physically rushinto sexual intimacy
immediately.
It's probably not love.
It's actually list lust is sotricky because you feel like
you've fallen deep in love withthis person, even though you
only know them for about amonth.
If you make it two months six,this is around the time people's
(15:27):
true self surface.
And you start realizing theremay not be true substance in
your relationship.
It may not be as deep as youthought it was.
It's probably just.
You enjoy having sex with thatperson?
You had a really taken time toconnect on other important
levels.
Y'all went all in with physicaland forgot about the other
(15:48):
aspects that help you connectlongterm.
I'm not saying that people don'thave one nightstands and ended
up genuinely falling in love.
In fact, I think the statisticsfor.
Genuinely fall in love after aone night stand is approximately
20% do some fact checking.
(16:10):
But I am saying that yourchances of connecting with your
partner on deeper levels andfinding genuine love.
It's statistically higher.
When you wait and get to knowyour person for three months or
more of consistent dating andhanging out before involving
physical intimacy and sexnotice, I said, consistent
(16:34):
dating and hanging out for along period of time.
Some of you may decide to waituntil marriage and some, we may
wait until you feel comfortable.
You don't have to set anyspecific date or timeline, but
just understand that if you wantto avoid.
The confusion of lust and youwant to invest real energy
substance.
And time into another person.
(16:56):
You want to really figure outyour true values within that
person.
You are worth the wait.
No, your value know your worth.
If sex is the only thing youhave going for you, if you feel
like your only beneficialphysical attribute is sex.
Please pause.
(17:16):
You are not ready today.
You need to fall in love withyourself first.
Once again, I'm not judging.
I've had those thoughts before.
I'm struggled with waiting andended up disappointed with
myself.
A couple months later, you havethe power to change your old
dating habits and oldrelationship behaviors.
Remember.
If sexual intimacy is afoundation of the relationship.
(17:39):
Eventually you find it's notstrong enough to keep the
relationship strong.
And the whole thing is justgoing to collapse.
If you wait it out, create a vowof celibacy with your partner
and realize you and your personconnect on all levels
financially, intellectually,emotionally, and spiritually.
(17:59):
And then you create a romanticevening to discover your
physical connection.
And it's just bliss.
You've already invested valueswithin the intimacy of your
relationship.
And you've both taken the timeto build an extremely sturdy
foundation.
If you are a person withnon-traditional alternative
(18:20):
lifestyles relating to sex andrelationships, such as polygamy
swinging partners swaps, pleasemake your partner aware of your
alternative life.
Lifestyle immediately allow themthe Liberty to choose if they
will embrace the lifestyle ornot.
These desires are calls forimmediate healthy discussions.
If you are listening.
(18:41):
And realize you need topersonally grow in the area of
understanding your physicalworth.
And values.
It is a great idea to start aself love journey first before
seeking a loving relationship.
The fourth letter of fights.
The letter E emotionallyemotional connection has to be
(19:01):
the most controversial when youmay be married to, or in a
long-term relationship withsomeone managing mental illness.
Please ensure that your partneris managing their mental health
appropriately.
Have compassion, empathy, andopen conversations.
When you recognize a trigger andcontact professional help.
If you notice a drastic changein behavior.
(19:24):
If you're dating and you meetsomeone, it's always great to
discuss topics relating tomanaging mental illness and
mental health awareness.
The truth is some relationshipsare created from trauma bonds,
some trauma bonds for like asoul connection until it becomes
toxic.
Uh, trauma bond is having astrong connection and attachment
(19:45):
based on shared emotional traumawith a form of positive
reinforcement.
You may not immediatelyrecognize your attachment is
from trauma until you realizeit's hard to get out of the
relationship.
The person may be trying to fixyou, or you may be trying to fix
the person.
And it's a repeating cycle oftoxic behaviors that you
(20:06):
identify as love.
You may feel sorry for theperson, the person may remind
you of one of your toxicparents.
So you bond because it'scomfortable and familiar.
There are many types of examplesof trauma bonds.
I will give one easy example.
May fall in love with analcoholic, even though your dad
(20:27):
was an alcoholic, but in yourmind, you can fix your partner
because you couldn't fix yourdad.
You're a test, the idea thatthings will get better, but this
person needs your help and youcan fix them or they can fix
you.
Both parties need healing.
Not a romantic relationshipoutside or see the toxicity, but
(20:47):
when they try to express theirconcerns, you begin to isolate
yourself from your family andisolate yourself from your
meaningful relationships.
No judgment.
I've been in trauma bonds alsomore than once before I even
realize the relationship wascreated from poor emotional
health.
Instead of true foundation ofhealthy love.
This is why emotional health andemotional stability is extremely
(21:11):
important to have withinyourself before entering into a
healthy relationship.
If you suffer from any form ofmental illness.
Get appropriate, help andproperly manage your mental
health with healthy coping.
It is so important to beemotionally available for your
partner.
Being emotionally availablemeans being open to share your
(21:33):
own feelings to the full extentand allow your partner to openly
share their feelings with you.
Without judgment, strong men docry.
Strong men can be open abouttheir feelings.
Strong men can be emotionallyavailable.
However, it takes an emotionallystable and aware partner to be
(21:54):
open to the intricacies ofembracing strong men's emotions
without labeling them as weak.
The reality is weak men withholdtheir emotions due to a fear of
judgment.
If you're raising a son andteaching toxic masculinity, this
is unhealthy and it decreasesthe chances of young men to
(22:14):
build meaningful romanticrelationships, because they
won't be emotionally availableto.
Their significant other.
Strong women support men thatare in touch with your emotional
side.
There must be balanced in bothmen and women embracing both
feminine and masculine energywithout judgment and shame.
Emotional support and love toyour partner also involves
(22:39):
knowing how they prefer to beemotionally loved and knowing
how you want to be emotionallylove.
take the online love languagetest together.
There are five love languages tobe expressed.
One love language is words ofaffirmation that's verbally or
written words of support,encouragement, and reminders of
why you love your partner.
Number two love language is actsof service.
(23:01):
That's expressing love by doingthings for your partner, helping
with chores, doing tasks withoutbeing asked to help.
Love language.
Number three is giving giftsexpressing love by thoughtful
and meaningful gifts.
Surprising with flowers,sentimental gifts, or momentos.
Love language.
Number four is quality timeexpressing love by spending
(23:22):
meaningful time together, givingundivided attention, talking or
walk and talk together, avacation together or planning
date night without cell phones.
Giving that undivided attentionfor quality time.
If you can tell that's my lovelanguage.
Love language, number five,physical touch expressing love
by physical touch, cuddling,holding hands, body rubs, and
(23:46):
body massages and other physicalaffection.
So those are the five lovelanguage.
Know how you like to be loved,know how your partner likes to
be loved.
Find this and discover thistogether.
Mine's our love language.
Number one words of affirmationand love language.
Number four, quality time.
I love spending quality time.
That's yeah.
(24:07):
Be willing to cater to yourpartner's love language.
And when it's been expressed asan emotional value, valuing
emotional balance withinyourself and within your
relationship, statisticallyimproves all relationships,
having emotional intelligence.
He is also a great life skill tomaster.
(24:27):
A romantic relationship withstrong emotional trust involves
two people with open hearts, topeople that are not afraid to be
vulnerable, allowing yourself toopenly love someone else means
you are able to embrace being ina state of healthy, emotional
vulnerability.
When emotional vulnerability ishealthy, it brings you closer to
(24:49):
your partner.
It's also a great idea to dorelationship therapy with your
partner before marriage orbefore a longterm commitment.
This is a great way tounderstand each other's
emotional strength and addressmental health concerns.
If you're listening and realizeyou need to personally grow in
the area of healing, youremotions or opening up to
emotions and vulnerability, it'sa great idea to work on your
(25:12):
mental health first, beforeseeking.
A loving relationship.
The fifth letter of fights.
S spiritually.
Many people have many differentspiritual or religious beliefs.
In fact, Religious beliefs canbe an immediate deal breaker for
some.
I'll list a few.
(25:32):
There are many different formsof Kearney Christianity.
And then there's Judaism Islam,Muslim Buddhism, Hinduism.
Rastafarianism Agnes.
This is awesome.
Atheism Satanism and the listcan go on with beliefs and non
beliefs.
I can't possibly list all of thespiritual, religious or non
(25:55):
beliefs.
However, If you are married, youhave probably already come to an
agreement with your spiritualbeliefs.
If you're on a long-termrelationship, you should have
already found balance withinyour spiritual beliefs.
If not, it's important, discussyour beliefs and how you will
live peacefully with yourbeliefs.
If you plan to have children,it's important to decide
(26:15):
together the belief system thatis best for your future
children.
Understanding your spiritualboundaries are important.
If you have strong Christianbeliefs, dating and atheists,
maybe your deal breaker is bestto know what you will or will
not tolerate with your beliefs.
Just like all of the other areasof fights, your spiritual values
(26:37):
and beliefs are just asimportant creating a healthy
relationship.
This does not mean you must havethe exact same beliefs.
But there has to be a level ofrespect and understanding if you
and your partner have somespiritual differences.
Some people are willing toconvert for love.
But I don't recommend aconversion.
(26:58):
If it defies your core lifevalues, do extensive research on
all belief systems before youdecide to convert.
Because if you can Bert for loveand realize it's not aligned
with you.
This may cause resentment.
Some of us may hold strongnegative assumptions about
nonbelievers or atheists.
When the reality is I met somegenuinely great people with
(27:19):
amazing energy that have nostrong religious beliefs, or
they may be atheist.
Allow the conversation to flowwithout extreme judgment or
negative talk, people areallowed to believe or not
believe people are allowed to bespiritual or religious.
It is not for us to judge orconvert.
We can only share our beliefs,our testimonies, and the start
(27:43):
of our own spiritual journey.
If you decide that their beliefsare not aligned with yours, you
don't have to consider arelationship.
In fact, you don't have to wasteyour energy.
Don't be so desperate to findlove that you ignore addressing
spirituality or beliefs.
This should not be ignored whendating or seeking a romantic
relationship.
(28:03):
Once again, conversations shouldbe initiated.
Asking open-ended questions suchas, do you consider yourself to
be super religious, spiritual,or nonbeliever?
If you desire marriage in yourfuture, ask the question.
Would you want a church weddingor a non-traditional wedding?
As longterm questions.
If we decide to have children,what will we raise our children
(28:25):
to believe?
You may want a praying partner.
So ask, are you willing to praytogether?
You may practice meditation.
So ask, do you meditate or areyou willing to practice
meditation with me?
So many ways to discover yourspiritual alignment, but it is
important to be true and strongin your own beliefs.
(28:45):
If you are listening and realizeyou can openly embrace your
spiritual beliefs and still beopen to understanding others
without judgment.
Do that first before seeking aloving relationship.
Hey, you champion for lifechanges, you are ready to
embrace the five core values offights, financial intellectual.
(29:09):
Physical emotional and spirituallevels to embrace a loving,
romantic relationship.
If you are hearing my voicetoday is the day you accept the
fact you are created with adivine purpose to understand how
knowing values based on fives toalign with your partner or
future partner.
No, that you are valuable andknow that you are worthy, you
(29:31):
can use fives to evaluate all ofyour personal relationships, not
just a romantic relationships.
There may be people in yourcircle that you've outgrown.
That doesn't mean you have toend the friendship.
It just means you must limit thetype of conversations you have
with that person.
Before you begin evaluating yourfights in relationships.
We must understand that the mostimportant relationship that we
(29:52):
focus on is the relationshipwith yourself.
Self-love self-growthself-esteem self-acceptance and
self-awareness self-compassionshould be your priority.
First, your focus on financialintellectual, physical,
emotional, and spiritual levelsshould not focus on finding the
(30:13):
perfect match.
In those areas, but findingbalance and growth.
In all of those areas, bewilling to grow in love and not
just fall in love.
If you want a different life,you have to be willing to
accept.
Different or do different thingslike being vulnerable, be clear
about what your boundaries andvalues are instead of trying to
(30:36):
be a likable person.
Your relationship doesn't haveto be like someone else's
relationship.
Good relationship can be the wayyou want it to be.
With the agreements that youhave made with your partner.
Everything doesn't have to beblack and white.
Your relationship can be purpleand gold, open and bold.
But if you and your partner arealigned, it doesn't matter.
(30:57):
What other people think.
Understand that with growth,some people can not receive you
where they are.
When people don't understandyour growth is directly related
to where they currently are.
If they haven't healed fromtheir trauma, you have already
healed from your trauma.
They may have a negative view ofyour growth.
(31:18):
This is okay.
Just be self-aware and don'ttake their negativity
personally.
They aren't at your level yet.
Everyone you meet is not goingto support unlike where you are
or where you're growing.
You see that on a say, going, Isaid, where you're growing,
that's fine.
You are not aligned with thatperson.
Move forward without shame andgive them grace, create depth
(31:42):
and layers to who you are, knowhow you want to be loved how to
openly love others and how toreceive love from others.
I'll repeat this so you can feelit.
No, how you want to be loved andhow to openly love others and
how to receive love from others.
Evaluate your past and presentrelationships.
(32:05):
If you are honest with yourself.
And see the same negativepatterns.
That pattern is the area youneed growth.
If you notice that you've beenhaving sex immediately, when you
first meet somebody and then therelationship is over or a ghost
only physical and sexual stopthat pattern.
You are worth the wait.
(32:25):
If we don't own up to our trueself, we cannot respond
appropriately to change.
At MIT, one painful fact aboutyourself to yourself.
Self honesty is a key topositive change in yourself.
This will lead to accuratelyunderstanding.
What you value?
We have to be open to win thewar within us, by acknowledging
(32:48):
our hurtful truths.
You don't need someone else tolove you to find value on
yourself, be your own bestfriend.
You start attracting people thatare aligned and like-minded, you
are more likely to surroundyourself in circles of
like-minded individuals.
You must be everything that youdesire.
If you desire an amazing friend,you have to be an amazing
(33:11):
friend.
Therefore you will attract anamazing friend.
You must be able to providedesires of your heart on your
own before expecting someoneelse to bring it to you.
Invest in your own happiness.
Take yourself on trips.
Start your own hobbies.
Create your fitness goals.
Every human has been designed tobe successful.
(33:31):
You don't need a great companionto be a great companion.
Every relationship that isn'taligned to you.
Is a learning experience.
Let's not call it a breakup or afail relationship or a
heartbreak is simply a learningexperience.
Be comfortable in your own worldwhile you're in a relationship
(33:51):
or marriage have a social lifeoutside your relationship.
So you're not pressuring yoursignificant other to be your
everything because after a whilebeing everything for someone can
get to be exhausting.
Set reasonable deal, breakersand expectations.
When evaluating your fights, forexample.
There's a difference between Idon't drink alcohol.
(34:12):
So I refuse to date someone elsethat drinks alcohol versus I
don't drink alcohol, but I'mwilling to date a social
drinker.
A reasonable deal breaker wouldbe.
I refuse to date an alcoholicalcoholism.
Doesn't align with my emotionalvalues.
Example too, of setting areasonable deal breaker or
(34:33):
expectations.
I value my freedom of not havinga teen or young children.
So I refuse to date anyone thathas children versus I value my
freedom of not having a teen oryoung children, but I'm willing
to date someone that has anadult child or adult children.
Your reasonable deal-breakerwould be.
I refuse to date someone withyoung children or teenagers,
(34:56):
teens and children are notaligned with my emotional values
of freedom.
Each week I promote an Arthur.
And I'm going to promoteArthur's based on life changing
book.
I've read this week.
I must discuss the author.
Jason Wilson.
He is an expert in emotionalstability training for men.
(35:16):
The book is titled.
Battle cry, waging and winningthe war within, in this book, he
discusses how he struggled withcombating his toxic thoughts and
emotions, which caused him tocommunicate without composure
and cause him to hurt himself.
And those he loved after healingfrom his emotional struggles and
winning the war within.
He is now a loving father andhusband and the director of the
(35:39):
cave of Adullam transformationalacademy.
The acronym is kata.
Cave of Adullam transformationalacademy.
He also presented his academy atpresident Obama's.
My brother's keeper showcase atthe white house.
Mr.
Jason Wilson has over 25 yearsof martial arts experience.
And over 20 years of developingand training young black males,
(36:00):
you can also follow Mr.
Wilson on Instagram at M R J a SO N O w I L S O N.
Mr.
Jason O.
Wilson.
I'm a poet and I love poetry.
So I'm also going to share oneof my favorite male poets and
spoken word artists, laundryhill, and his book of poetry
(36:22):
called eternal sunshine.
The poem, title, love andrelationships.
Mandrills spoken word albums andmeditations can also be found on
apple music.
He writes and records all of hispoems in the poem, love and
relationships.
I will share some lines in thepoem that touch my spirit.
I often listened to the wholepoem in the morning.
While I'm getting ready forwork.
(36:43):
I'm only going to share lessthan a minute of the poem.
Love is.
Love is that emotional,spiritual thing inside that you
can't define from afar?
It looks like a danger sign, butas you get closer, it's almost
like looking into an Angel'seyes because they make you
forget about everything that hashurt you and the pain inside and
smile as bright as the sunshine,even though it may rank at
(37:07):
times, love is sacred.
Love is sanctified.
It is what brought peace to theworld in ancient times.
Love is the same energy andcreated the universe and paints.
The sky love is the person thatbursting.
At night and angels fly love isintellectual conversations that
make our brains collide.
Love can really make you goinsane at times.
Love is that little thing insidethat makes anger die.
(37:29):
Love told me to love myself.
And then I became sublime love.
Can't really be explained attimes.
Love is everything's that Ican't describe love is
everything.
Everything is love.
The details of the whole poem isso elegantly written with such
passion and purpose, but laundrykills creativity has that impact
(37:50):
on my life.
I asked you to go ahead anddownload one of those albums
from, apple music.
I listened to it in themornings.
It really lifts my spirits, Thelinks to Mr.
Jason Wilson's book, battle cry,waging of war within and laundry
hill.
It will be listed in my podcastnotes.
You are now a champion forhealing and change for quick
(38:13):
reflections, for clarificationand understanding.
Listen and listen.
Well, reflection one.
The way we view and shape andspeak about what we feel are
negative experiences in ourlife.
Also determines how we heal.
Practice positive language andrecognize how it develops your
thoughts and actions.
(38:34):
Avoid saying breakup.
Uh, voicing failed marriage orfail relationships.
Those phrases create negativelanguage that internalizes
negative thoughts and theexperience.
Use terms like we weren'taligned.
We grew apart.
Our separation was a mutualagreement.
We have been conditioned tobelieve that we have failed at a
(38:55):
relationship when the truth isyou went through a relational
learning experience and you cantake time to analyze and embrace
your faults, forgive yourself,and forgive the other person for
those faults andmisunderstandings.
Then you can take the time toheal, grow and be better for
your next relationship.
If you don't grow and learn froma relationship that was not
(39:16):
aligned, you will be in acontinuous cycle of those same
types of unhealthy relationshipsor trauma.
Trauma bonds.
After ending a relationship thatwas not aligned to your values,
take at least eight to 12 monthsto heal.
Find yourself and values beforeentering into a new
relationship.
Uh, quickly rushing into a newrelationship without healing is
not fair to the new person.
(39:37):
They deserve to have a fullyhealed you.
If you happen to meet someonebefore you have completely
healed, be honest about yourhealing journey, ask them to
give you appropriate time toheal from your mutual separation
so you can love them openly andproperly when you're ready.
Reflection too.
Do temperature checks inlong-term marriages.
(40:00):
Uh, or relationships, atemperature check in a long-term
marriage or relationships meansyou have an annual value check
by asking if you both arewilling to move forward with the
relationship for another year,had this open conversation
mutually, if it's difficult, youmay need a coach or therapist to
help you with difficultconversations.
Is your relationship growing andthriving together?
(40:21):
Have you created some sharedhobbies together?
If not, where and how can youstart don't waste each other's
time by sitting idle when yourlongterm relationship or
marriage is not always a badthing to end a relationship.
Most times it's the bestdecision for both parties.
It hurts at first, but it's soworth it.
I'm currently single by choice.
I'm currently almost two monthsinto healing after ending a
(40:45):
relationship that was notaligned.
I used to feel shamed duringthis time.
I used to feel loneliness duringthis time, but on this self love
journey I have learned topractice self-compassion from
the relationships ending due tomutual separation and not being
aligned.
I have really enjoyed recordingthis podcast because I could
feel myself being restored andempowered during the whole
(41:06):
process.
I also enjoy being open andtransparent with my listeners
because as champions.
When we're real together, weheal together and I'm human.
I have suffered from loneliness.
And it caused me to enter intonew romantic relationships,
knowing that I wasn't ready.
I've healed from loneliness andshifted into a state of enjoying
peaceful solitude I'm alone, butI'm no longer lonely.
(41:30):
There is a difference.
If you are single, join me inthe state of peaceful solitude
and we can leave lonelinessalone.
Okay.
I'm now in the process ofhealing, the essence of who I am
before I decide to seek a newromantic relationship, I'm
standing strong on my fights andmy values.
(41:51):
I want to be aligned withsomeone financially,
intellectually, physically,emotionally, and spiritually.
And I know exactly what I wantand desire.
I'm no longer going with theflow.
I'm no longer being likable.
I'm only embracing, being trulylovable.
I'm empowered to say no, if weare not aligned during my eight
(42:12):
to 12 months of healing.
I'm allowing my self to focusand gain explicit clarity on the
desires of my heart.
I I've scheduled a valve silenceretreat at an ashram.
I'm doing this before my heartopens to my future romantic
experience for the first time,I'm excited about being single
without feelings of shame.
Optimism and faith are sobeautiful for me.
(42:35):
Reflection three.
I can't let this podcast finishwithout addressing some
relationship struggles we mayencounter or create.
I know some of you are wonderingif I'm going to go deep.
This is the deepest that I'mgoing to go with this mind
games.
Negative assumptions and trustissues without appropriate
communication can destroy agreat relationship.
(42:58):
Be open with trust, often if youstart a relationship, tell the
person you are innocent untilproven guilty, which means
you're opening your heart tothat person's innocence.
And you're not going to findanything wrong with them or
search for anything wrong withthem, unless they do something
to hurt you.
That makes them guilty.
Set your trust levelsimmediately set your phone
(43:19):
boundaries.
Immediately.
Cell phones and electronicdevices are not going to
disappear and they are anintricate part of our
relationships.
This may be a difficultconversation to have with your
current partner or in a newrelationship, but it is another
necessary conversation.
If you have unhealthy trustissues, please listen to
(43:39):
session.
One of my podcasts healing fromtrust issues.
Our devices.
Our our personal property.
And when it's beeninappropriately searched by
someone without permission, itis an extreme violation.
However, it is also a violationto manipulate and force someone
to allow you to search theirdevice, set your phone
(44:01):
boundaries by agreements.
Ask, do we share passwords toour devices with each other?
Do we share devices openly andfreely?
What social media boundaries andtext message boundaries.
Do we say.
Are we allowing platonicfriendships with our exes?
Is it okay to have appropriateconversation with exes?
What would be consideredinappropriate flirting and how
(44:23):
should we address it?
If an ex wants to meet alone inpublic and person?
Is this allowed if we both agreeor should we never meet an X
alone?
Do we share our relationship onsocial media or do we keep our
relationship private?
Keep in mind that you can createa shared profile together with
only close friends and family toupdate with major information
(44:43):
such as travel and specialevents, don't allow social media
presence to determine thereality of your relationship.
This can be extremely messy andcalls unnecessary arguments to
avoid phone device and socialmedia drama.
Be open to set the boundariesthat are beneficial for your
relationship.
Find ways to compromise and findbalance.
(45:04):
I realized there's a wholegeneration of young people that
were born with smartphones andsocial media.
Also know many people sufferfrom phone addiction.
Please don't allow a phoneaddiction.
To ruin what could be a healthyrelationship.
If your partner has to ask youto put your phone down and you
get defensive and mad, you havea problem set boundary set yet
(45:25):
such as no phones during dinner,no phones an hour before bed or
no phones when we're having aserious discussion, no phones.
During date night, this createshealthy communication and
healthy phone and deviceboundaries.
One major tip.
As it relates to phones, I'mgoing to help you by saying this
I'm going to help someone.
Uh, by saying this, if you don'ttrust your partner and you have
(45:48):
evidence that was accidentallyrevealed to you without
searching, and without trying tofind evidence on your phone or
electronic device, it's alreadytime for you to end the
relationship.
You don't need any more proof.
You don't need to search througha phone to validate what you
already know, continuing tosearch for validation of what
(46:09):
you already know is consideredover obsessive and will drive
you I acknowledge the truth.
I trust your intuition and letit go.
If your partner violated theboundary you have for what's
considered cheating, infidelity,and deception within your
relationship, you have twooptions, option one in the
(46:30):
relationship and move on oroption to both agree to
relationship counseling.
If you plan to forgive and makeit work, don't lower yourself to
the option of getting payback orrevenge.
It's not worth your energy.
You deserve to be better and youdon't want to involve hurting
other innocent people.
So let your next search be asearch to find someone loyal,
(46:52):
trustworthy, and equally alignedwith your fights.
Reflection for.
A long relationship does notalways mean it's a healthy or
successful relationship.
We have this idea that couplesthat have been together for over
five, 10 or 20 years are thehealthiest, most perfect
relationships.
Sometimes these couples havebecome great at masking their
(47:15):
dysfunction and are reallysitting idle or waiting for the
children to move out.
Okay.
Truth is your children aresuffering.
You all are suffering.
They feel your pain.
They know their parents.
Aren't happy.
It's best to part ways let yourchildren heal appropriately.
Some long relationships aregenuinely healthy and
successful, but if you speakwith these couples, they will
(47:35):
express the amount of work ittook to reach the level of
growth and success.
The beautiful thing about theselong-term couples is the level
of dedication, respect, andunconditional love.
They have achieved growingtogether.
Meeting each other's financial.
Emotional, spiritual, all ofthose knees.
(47:56):
Your love languages may change.
Your desires may change.
Your values may change.
It's only fair for you toexpress these changes with your
partner to create the love thatyou want.
Hollywood does not depict thereality of real relationship,
love stories.
If you have extremely highexpectations that your whole
(48:16):
relationship will be all glitzand glamour.
Perfect and happy, happy everafter, like in romance, movies
or romance comedies.
This fantasy love is temporary.
The honeymoon phase.
If you crave this feeling,you'll have a new relationship
every few months because afterthe honeymoon phase is over
baby, you will become bored andready for new love.
(48:37):
I've been guilty of this in pastrelationships, no judgment, but
it's not always going to be thereality for a healthy, loving,
longterm relationship.
Some may want a longtermrelationship and some may just
want an occasional companionknow what you want and don't
settle for what someone elsewants.
Be self-aware of values, vision,lifestyle, and mission.
(49:03):
I have enjoyed this session somuch with you guys.
I'm still learning and growing.
I want you all to learn and growwith me being single is not a
bad word, embrace it.
It can actually be fun.
Battle your loneliness.
You don't have to continue beinglonely.
That's just a state of mind.
You can actually be happy andpeaceful in solitude, taking
(49:25):
care of yourself, loving onyourself.
And that way, when the rightperson comes along, you're
already in love with self.
And then they're.
Going to fall in love with you.
So be ready, be prepared andfocus on your fives and healing.
Elevate your mind.
Be open to health and wealth.
Trust the healing process,sometimes healing hurts, but
(49:49):
when completely healed youbecome a stronger.
Wiser and amazing human.
That was heavy.
Let's relax and breathe.
Breathe in love.
Breathe out.
Love.
Breathe in peace.
(50:12):
Breathe out peace.
Breathe in love.
Share love.
Now, share this podcast to helpsomeone you love Okay.
Understand the five values.
Of healthy loving relationshipsWe are champions.
(50:37):
We win together.
Let's continue to connect.
I've done all the talking, butdon't forget.
I'm also a great listener.
So after listening to thissession, you can release,
respond, reflect, or open up andacknowledge your struggles.
Let's start the healing processtogether.
Record your voice.
(50:57):
Or record a video and D M at tomy Instagram at shy, the healer
that's shy.
S H Y T H E healer, H E a L E R.
All one word.
I will try to respond to allvoice recordings and videos
only, but if you want to writesomething.
Write a review our comment andshare this podcast.
(51:22):
Champions you can support byclicking the link to donate and
support in my podcast notesuntil then see you next.
Healthcare sunday
All smiles champions.
Welcome to mine.
Elevation health and wealth.
My name is Dhawan.
I'm an emotional healer,educator and entrepreneur.
Each week, we will dig deep intoemotionally healing, all aspects
of your life to increase yourability to create prosperity
mind, elevation health andwealth allows you to elevate and
(00:26):
shift into a growth mindset.
Share each moment with me, I'mgiving you permission to fulfill
all of the unique desires ofyour heart judgment free
shame-free guilt-free elementsto heal your mind and body as
you listen and consume the wordsof the session with no fear.
Fear of loss champions if weheal together we'll be real
(00:47):
together Embrace unconditionallove and keep listening healing
is health health is wealth youare here on purpose Session six,
five values of healthy lovingrelationships.
Listen and listen well,champions, whether you would get
(01:08):
peace from God, peace from theuniverse or peace within self
healthy relationships arenecessary for living in peace
and being in love.
Back in 2011, my senior year ofcollege, undergrad, I had to
complete an independent studyclass.
The requirements for theindependent study were to
complete a research paper.
(01:30):
Over 30 pages of research.
with only scholarly journalsthat I could use as my sources.
I chose to do my independentstudy and research on the
foundation of romanticrelationships.
Within my research, I createdfive major areas that I
personally felt were importantfor relationships to flourish.
(01:50):
And then I successfully foundover 15 scholarly journals to
back my claims.
The five areas of focus for myresearch paper.
We're financially.
Intellectually physically,emotionally and spiritually.
Those five.
For my research paper, I use theacronym fights.
(02:12):
F is for financial.
I is for intellectual P is forphysical E is for emotional and
S is for spiritual fights.
I had the opportunity to pullup, publish my relationship book
based on my research.
And my book is stillunpublished.
I have to blame my impostersyndrome for not publishing it.
(02:33):
However.
Due to some major lifeexperiences since then.
I'm so glad that I'm able toverbally share with you today on
this podcast.
We will discuss those five areasas it relates to your current
companion.
If you are in a relationship,your future companion, if you
plan to be in a relationship andhow to properly heal from a
(02:54):
breakup or being misaligned.
If you are single or newlysingle, we all have ignored red
flags.
We have sacrificed our dealbreakers, and we have been open
to starting a relationship withsomeone that we know immediately
isn't for us, or isn't good forus.
(03:15):
But we create in our minds, weare going to fix this person.
I'm guilty of all these things.
And I'm the first to admit thatit has also been the cause of
relationships being short timeor ending.
Think of fights.
As a strong foundational balanceof any relationship.
The first letter of fights we'regoing to cover is financially.
(03:39):
If you were looking for someonethat can afford to take care of
you.
You are not looking for love.
You're looking for a sponsor.
No judgment.
But this podcast is aboutfinding genuine love and
companionship.
Based on my research, financialinstability can be the reason
for many disagreements andhardships in a romantic
relationship.
Please listen to session fourpodcasts on creating a healthy
(04:03):
relationship with money.
If you're still strugglingfinancially.
You must be willing to make somepositive changes financially.
If you plan to successfullybuild a healthy relationship.
Which brings me to theimportance of the purpose of the
value of having financialbalance when entering or keeping
a healthy relationship.
(04:23):
If you are a listener that iscurrently married or currently
already in a long-termrelationship, it's important
that you sit down with yourpartner and make sure you
discuss this sometimes difficultconversations happen when you're
talking about money.
Create your financial goalstogether.
If you have separate accounts orhidden money in accounts,
(04:45):
analyze why you feel the need tohide money.
Or your spending habits fromyour significant other.
This behavior is a sign of notbeing aligned with your partner
financially.
Repairs can be made if yougenerally love and want to
elevate and bill with yourpartner.
Notice I'm using the phrase,finding balance and alignment.
(05:09):
This is important.
Balance and alignment arenecessary for understanding your
financial values.
This doesn't mean you both haveto make the same amount of
money.
It means that you both havealigned the same relationship
goals as it relates to thefinancial stability within your
relationship.
If you're married, there shouldbe a family budget created
(05:30):
together.
Everyone in the family should beheld responsible for their part
of understanding and keeping thebudget.
Having an open conversationabout spending habits and
creating a savings goal togethercan help to find balance within
the relationship.
If you're not married, but in along-term relationship, you may
not necessarily have to discloseall of your financial
(05:53):
information as if you were amarried couple, but you
definitely should have aconversation about healthy ways
to save together, discussspending habits and future
financial outlooks after all, ifyou are in a relationship
long-term, and there's apossibility of marriage in the
future, you don't want to gointo a marriage with poor
financial baggage.
For example.
(06:14):
If you notice your partner is anextremely materialistic impulse
buyer and purchase a belt thatcosts$700 to flex on social
media.
Then the following week, thatsame partner had to borrow money
from you to pay utility bill.
You are frugal and notmaterialistic.
And you choose to pay all yourmajor bills first before you buy
(06:37):
nice things for yourself.
So your partner knows you willhave the extra money to cover
their overspending.
You need to have a financialconversation to find equal
balance.
It isn't healthy to be in arelationship and suffer through
financial hardships due toreckless spending.
Your financial values are notaligned.
(06:58):
And if your person is notwilling to build with you
financially, it's time toconsider it.
This relationship is even worthmoving forward.
There should be values placed onfinancial stability for a
healthy, loving relationship toflourish.
Understanding that you don'thave to be a millionaire to be
financially stable.
You can make less than$30,000 ayear and be financially stable.
(07:22):
If you're accurately livingwithin your means as a single
person.
When you put yourself out thereto find a partner while dating,
let fights be a part of yourdating conversation.
Create a safe space to discussbeing aligned financially.
Ask open-ended questions suchas, how do you describe your
spending habits?
(07:43):
You don't have to be blunt.
And say, what's your creditscore?
But be open to sharing, sharing,something like.
Having good credit is importantto me.
That doesn't mean you won't datethe person because of it.
It just means they should bewilling to work towards finding
that balance financialstability.
(08:04):
Savings habits and spendinghabits are extremely important.
Relationship, goals, and values.
If you're listening and realizeyou need to personally grow in
the area of financial stability.
It's a great idea to work onyourself financially first,
before seeking a lovingrelationship.
The second letter of fights.
(08:26):
Is the eye.
Intellectually.
I have a famous line that I usewhen I mentor youth.
It's.
Don't date dummies.
You may have realized you weredating a person with the lower
intellect.
Low intellect and immatureadults blame other people
instead of being responsible fortheir own actions.
They only talk about lifecomplaints, work complaints, or
(08:49):
friend complaints.
We all know what it's like tohold a conversation with someone
that has a low level ofintellectual maturity.
If you find yourself overexplaining basic concepts, if
the person can't hold aconversation regarding goals and
ideas, but they constantly talkabout other people or talk about
themselves.
If the person has an extremelyclose mind, so they get angry
(09:11):
and argue about simple topicsinstead of being open to listen
to other people's ideas or toshare their own ideas.
Lower level intellectuals arenot capable of having a peaceful
debate over the simplest topics.
If the person.
It's still not able to makebasic life decisions on their
(09:32):
own.
If your conversation consists ofcussing each other out negative
name, calling, talking down oneach other or talking down about
other people.
If asking a simple questionresults in a heating argument.
If the only time you talk aboutanything, agreeable is when
you're discussing intimacy.
Those are low intellectconversations you deserve to
(09:54):
hold a loving intellectualconversation with your partner,
exploring new ideas, sharing,meaningful thoughts.
Uh, aspirations and future goalsyou deserve to hold
conversations relating totopics, worldviews or life
experiences.
Healthy intellectualconversation is a sign of two
people aligned with intellectualmaturity.
(10:16):
Sometimes these relationshipscan start out really fun and
exciting in the beginning.
However, longterm, when thingsget serious, you realize you
ignored all the signs of lowintellect.
You may have even joked about itwith your close friends and
still continue to date theperson.
Even though the person was kindalike really low intellect.
Knowing that you were notbalanced or aligned on an
(10:39):
intellectual level, theconversation eventually fades
boredom strikes, and you mayhave nothing to grow towards
within the relationship.
If you have chosen to beintimately involved with this
person, that may be the only wayyou connect.
I'm not saying that people thatare on similar levels of
intellect do not havedisagreements is actually
(11:01):
healthy to have some meaningfuldisagreements to solve real
issues.
I'm saying the disagreementsshould not end with a physical
fight.
Or verbal abuse.
Intellectual aspects of a personcan vary in so many ranges.
I'm also not saying if you havea college degree, you should
only date people that have acollege degree.
(11:22):
Having a college degree does notmean you have a high level of
intellect.
It may increase your intellectin some areas, but it doesn't
mean it makes you intellectuallymature.
There are extremely intelligentpeople that do not have a
college degree, but have highlevels of intellectual maturity.
Find a person that can matchyour intellectual energy.
(11:44):
Here is a vocabulary word andfun fact, if you find
intelligence sexually attractiveor arousing, you are considered
to be a sapiosexual.
I thought that was like, A cutevocabulary word.
If you are listening and yourealize you need to personally
grow in the area of intellectualmaturity, it's a great idea to
(12:06):
work on yourself intellectuallyfirst, before seeking a loving
relationship.
The third letter of FIPSE is theletter P physically.
Physical attraction is extremelyimportant.
Whether it's being physicallyattracted to a person shape or
body type physically attractedto a person's facial features,
(12:28):
skin color, hair, nails, styleof dress.
These aspects of physicalattraction are usually the first
thing you notice when you meet aperson in person.
Can't really be sure if you'reonline dating because you can
fall in love with someoneintellectually and emotionally,
and then be physically catfishwith fake images.
This is why the TV seriescatfish is so popular.
(12:50):
Okay.
The words handsome.
Beautiful, fine.
Pretty tall, short or fun size.
Models, hype and sexy.
The words we use to describephysical attributes to our
partner or potential partner.
If you are currently married orcurrently in a long-term
relationship, hopefully youstill have a physical attraction
(13:12):
to your partner.
If nine is Tod to analyzechanges that can be made to
bring the attraction back.
The important part is makingsure you are happy with your
physical appearance.
Sometimes people get comfortablein a relationship and let
themselves go.
And for whatever reasons,decided not to take care of
themselves anymore.
Because they're in arelationship.
That isn't fair to your partner,withholding and denying physical
(13:37):
intimacy in a marriage is alsounhealthy and not fair to your
partner.
However, if there is anunexpected health condition that
prevents certain levels ofintimacy, that's beyond your
control.
It's just not fair to withhold,to be mean or be spiteful and
say, oh, like, we're not goingto have sex because you know,
you just want to be mean nowphysical attraction is sometimes
(14:00):
the initial attraction todevelop a new relationship.
Some people have their physicaldeal breakers.
My person should be at least sixfeet tall, or my person should
be small and petite, or myperson shouldn't be too skinny
or my person shouldn't be toofat.
My person should be in shape andmuscular.
(14:21):
We have heard all of those dealbreakers.
We know amazing humans that havebeen dismissed because of their
height or their weight.
But the reality is physicalattraction.
Is that important for somepeople?
The other side of physicalattraction involves sex and
intimacy.
And my most recent studies, Ifound that it may not be healthy
(14:43):
to start a relationship based onsexual.
Intimacy.
Although I can hear some of youthinking I can't be with
someone.
If they can't please mesexually.
I know, I know no judgment.
However, if you rush into havingsex too soon, I will say this.
The person that you feel is yoursoulmate.
(15:04):
Your soulmate connectpassionately with that person.
However, if you physically rushinto sexual intimacy
immediately.
It's probably not love.
It's actually list lust is sotricky because you feel like
you've fallen deep in love withthis person, even though you
only know them for about amonth.
If you make it two months six,this is around the time people's
(15:27):
true self surface.
And you start realizing theremay not be true substance in
your relationship.
It may not be as deep as youthought it was.
It's probably just.
You enjoy having sex with thatperson?
You had a really taken time toconnect on other important
levels.
Y'all went all in with physicaland forgot about the other
(15:48):
aspects that help you connectlongterm.
I'm not saying that people don'thave one nightstands and ended
up genuinely falling in love.
In fact, I think the statisticsfor.
Genuinely fall in love after aone night stand is approximately
20% do some fact checking.
(16:10):
But I am saying that yourchances of connecting with your
partner on deeper levels andfinding genuine love.
It's statistically higher.
When you wait and get to knowyour person for three months or
more of consistent dating andhanging out before involving
physical intimacy and sexnotice, I said, consistent
(16:34):
dating and hanging out for along period of time.
Some of you may decide to waituntil marriage and some, we may
wait until you feel comfortable.
You don't have to set anyspecific date or timeline, but
just understand that if you wantto avoid.
The confusion of lust and youwant to invest real energy
substance.
And time into another person.
(16:56):
You want to really figure outyour true values within that
person.
You are worth the wait.
No, your value know your worth.
If sex is the only thing youhave going for you, if you feel
like your only beneficialphysical attribute is sex.
Please pause.
(17:16):
You are not ready today.
You need to fall in love withyourself first.
Once again, I'm not judging.
I've had those thoughts before.
I'm struggled with waiting andended up disappointed with
myself.
A couple months later, you havethe power to change your old
dating habits and oldrelationship behaviors.
Remember.
If sexual intimacy is afoundation of the relationship.
(17:39):
Eventually you find it's notstrong enough to keep the
relationship strong.
And the whole thing is justgoing to collapse.
If you wait it out, create a vowof celibacy with your partner
and realize you and your personconnect on all levels
financially, intellectually,emotionally, and spiritually.
(17:59):
And then you create a romanticevening to discover your
physical connection.
And it's just bliss.
You've already invested valueswithin the intimacy of your
relationship.
And you've both taken the timeto build an extremely sturdy
foundation.
If you are a person withnon-traditional alternative
(18:20):
lifestyles relating to sex andrelationships, such as polygamy
swinging partners swaps, pleasemake your partner aware of your
alternative life.
Lifestyle immediately allow themthe Liberty to choose if they
will embrace the lifestyle ornot.
These desires are calls forimmediate healthy discussions.
If you are listening.
(18:41):
And realize you need topersonally grow in the area of
understanding your physicalworth.
And values.
It is a great idea to start aself love journey first before
seeking a loving relationship.
The fourth letter of fights.
The letter E emotionallyemotional connection has to be
(19:01):
the most controversial when youmay be married to, or in a
long-term relationship withsomeone managing mental illness.
Please ensure that your partneris managing their mental health
appropriately.
Have compassion, empathy, andopen conversations.
When you recognize a trigger andcontact professional help.
If you notice a drastic changein behavior.
(19:24):
If you're dating and you meetsomeone, it's always great to
discuss topics relating tomanaging mental illness and
mental health awareness.
The truth is some relationshipsare created from trauma bonds,
some trauma bonds for like asoul connection until it becomes
toxic.
Uh, trauma bond is having astrong connection and attachment
(19:45):
based on shared emotional traumawith a form of positive
reinforcement.
You may not immediatelyrecognize your attachment is
from trauma until you realizeit's hard to get out of the
relationship.
The person may be trying to fixyou, or you may be trying to fix
the person.
And it's a repeating cycle oftoxic behaviors that you
(20:06):
identify as love.
You may feel sorry for theperson, the person may remind
you of one of your toxicparents.
So you bond because it'scomfortable and familiar.
There are many types of examplesof trauma bonds.
I will give one easy example.
May fall in love with analcoholic, even though your dad
(20:27):
was an alcoholic, but in yourmind, you can fix your partner
because you couldn't fix yourdad.
You're a test, the idea thatthings will get better, but this
person needs your help and youcan fix them or they can fix
you.
Both parties need healing.
Not a romantic relationshipoutside or see the toxicity, but
(20:47):
when they try to express theirconcerns, you begin to isolate
yourself from your family andisolate yourself from your
meaningful relationships.
No judgment.
I've been in trauma bonds alsomore than once before I even
realize the relationship wascreated from poor emotional
health.
Instead of true foundation ofhealthy love.
This is why emotional health andemotional stability is extremely
(21:11):
important to have withinyourself before entering into a
healthy relationship.
If you suffer from any form ofmental illness.
Get appropriate, help andproperly manage your mental
health with healthy coping.
It is so important to beemotionally available for your
partner.
Being emotionally availablemeans being open to share your
(21:33):
own feelings to the full extentand allow your partner to openly
share their feelings with you.
Without judgment, strong men docry.
Strong men can be open abouttheir feelings.
Strong men can be emotionallyavailable.
However, it takes an emotionallystable and aware partner to be
(21:54):
open to the intricacies ofembracing strong men's emotions
without labeling them as weak.
The reality is weak men withholdtheir emotions due to a fear of
judgment.
If you're raising a son andteaching toxic masculinity, this
is unhealthy and it decreasesthe chances of young men to
(22:14):
build meaningful romanticrelationships, because they
won't be emotionally availableto.
Their significant other.
Strong women support men thatare in touch with your emotional
side.
There must be balanced in bothmen and women embracing both
feminine and masculine energywithout judgment and shame.
Emotional support and love toyour partner also involves
(22:39):
knowing how they prefer to beemotionally loved and knowing
how you want to be emotionallylove.
take the online love languagetest together.
There are five love languages tobe expressed.
One love language is words ofaffirmation that's verbally or
written words of support,encouragement, and reminders of
why you love your partner.
Number two love language is actsof service.
(23:01):
That's expressing love by doingthings for your partner, helping
with chores, doing tasks withoutbeing asked to help.
Love language.
Number three is giving giftsexpressing love by thoughtful
and meaningful gifts.
Surprising with flowers,sentimental gifts, or momentos.
Love language.
Number four is quality timeexpressing love by spending
(23:22):
meaningful time together, givingundivided attention, talking or
walk and talk together, avacation together or planning
date night without cell phones.
Giving that undivided attentionfor quality time.
If you can tell that's my lovelanguage.
Love language, number five,physical touch expressing love
by physical touch, cuddling,holding hands, body rubs, and
(23:46):
body massages and other physicalaffection.
So those are the five lovelanguage.
Know how you like to be loved,know how your partner likes to
be loved.
Find this and discover thistogether.
Mine's our love language.
Number one words of affirmationand love language.
Number four, quality time.
I love spending quality time.
That's yeah.
(24:07):
Be willing to cater to yourpartner's love language.
And when it's been expressed asan emotional value, valuing
emotional balance withinyourself and within your
relationship, statisticallyimproves all relationships,
having emotional intelligence.
He is also a great life skill tomaster.
(24:27):
A romantic relationship withstrong emotional trust involves
two people with open hearts, topeople that are not afraid to be
vulnerable, allowing yourself toopenly love someone else means
you are able to embrace being ina state of healthy, emotional
vulnerability.
When emotional vulnerability ishealthy, it brings you closer to
(24:49):
your partner.
It's also a great idea to dorelationship therapy with your
partner before marriage orbefore a longterm commitment.
This is a great way tounderstand each other's
emotional strength and addressmental health concerns.
If you're listening and realizeyou need to personally grow in
the area of healing, youremotions or opening up to
emotions and vulnerability, it'sa great idea to work on your
(25:12):
mental health first, beforeseeking.
A loving relationship.
The fifth letter of fights.
S spiritually.
Many people have many differentspiritual or religious beliefs.
In fact, Religious beliefs canbe an immediate deal breaker for
some.
I'll list a few.
(25:32):
There are many different formsof Kearney Christianity.
And then there's Judaism Islam,Muslim Buddhism, Hinduism.
Rastafarianism Agnes.
This is awesome.
Atheism Satanism and the listcan go on with beliefs and non
beliefs.
I can't possibly list all of thespiritual, religious or non
(25:55):
beliefs.
However, If you are married, youhave probably already come to an
agreement with your spiritualbeliefs.
If you're on a long-termrelationship, you should have
already found balance withinyour spiritual beliefs.
If not, it's important, discussyour beliefs and how you will
live peacefully with yourbeliefs.
If you plan to have children,it's important to decide
(26:15):
together the belief system thatis best for your future
children.
Understanding your spiritualboundaries are important.
If you have strong Christianbeliefs, dating and atheists,
maybe your deal breaker is bestto know what you will or will
not tolerate with your beliefs.
Just like all of the other areasof fights, your spiritual values
(26:37):
and beliefs are just asimportant creating a healthy
relationship.
This does not mean you must havethe exact same beliefs.
But there has to be a level ofrespect and understanding if you
and your partner have somespiritual differences.
Some people are willing toconvert for love.
But I don't recommend aconversion.
(26:58):
If it defies your core lifevalues, do extensive research on
all belief systems before youdecide to convert.
Because if you can Bert for loveand realize it's not aligned
with you.
This may cause resentment.
Some of us may hold strongnegative assumptions about
nonbelievers or atheists.
When the reality is I met somegenuinely great people with
(27:19):
amazing energy that have nostrong religious beliefs, or
they may be atheist.
Allow the conversation to flowwithout extreme judgment or
negative talk, people areallowed to believe or not
believe people are allowed to bespiritual or religious.
It is not for us to judge orconvert.
We can only share our beliefs,our testimonies, and the start
(27:43):
of our own spiritual journey.
If you decide that their beliefsare not aligned with yours, you
don't have to consider arelationship.
In fact, you don't have to wasteyour energy.
Don't be so desperate to findlove that you ignore addressing
spirituality or beliefs.
This should not be ignored whendating or seeking a romantic
relationship.
(28:03):
Once again, conversations shouldbe initiated.
Asking open-ended questions suchas, do you consider yourself to
be super religious, spiritual,or nonbeliever?
If you desire marriage in yourfuture, ask the question.
Would you want a church weddingor a non-traditional wedding?
As longterm questions.
If we decide to have children,what will we raise our children
(28:25):
to believe?
You may want a praying partner.
So ask, are you willing to praytogether?
You may practice meditation.
So ask, do you meditate or areyou willing to practice
meditation with me?
So many ways to discover yourspiritual alignment, but it is
important to be true and strongin your own beliefs.
(28:45):
If you are listening and realizeyou can openly embrace your
spiritual beliefs and still beopen to understanding others
without judgment.
Do that first before seeking aloving relationship.
Hey, you champion for lifechanges, you are ready to
embrace the five core values offights, financial intellectual.
(29:09):
Physical emotional and spirituallevels to embrace a loving,
romantic relationship.
If you are hearing my voicetoday is the day you accept the
fact you are created with adivine purpose to understand how
knowing values based on fives toalign with your partner or
future partner.
No, that you are valuable andknow that you are worthy, you
(29:31):
can use fives to evaluate all ofyour personal relationships, not
just a romantic relationships.
There may be people in yourcircle that you've outgrown.
That doesn't mean you have toend the friendship.
It just means you must limit thetype of conversations you have
with that person.
Before you begin evaluating yourfights in relationships.
We must understand that the mostimportant relationship that we
(29:52):
focus on is the relationshipwith yourself.
Self-love self-growthself-esteem self-acceptance and
self-awareness self-compassionshould be your priority.
First, your focus on financialintellectual, physical,
emotional, and spiritual levelsshould not focus on finding the
(30:13):
perfect match.
In those areas, but findingbalance and growth.
In all of those areas, bewilling to grow in love and not
just fall in love.
If you want a different life,you have to be willing to
accept.
Different or do different thingslike being vulnerable, be clear
about what your boundaries andvalues are instead of trying to
(30:36):
be a likable person.
Your relationship doesn't haveto be like someone else's
relationship.
Good relationship can be the wayyou want it to be.
With the agreements that youhave made with your partner.
Everything doesn't have to beblack and white.
Your relationship can be purpleand gold, open and bold.
But if you and your partner arealigned, it doesn't matter.
(30:57):
What other people think.
Understand that with growth,some people can not receive you
where they are.
When people don't understandyour growth is directly related
to where they currently are.
If they haven't healed fromtheir trauma, you have already
healed from your trauma.
They may have a negative view ofyour growth.
(31:18):
This is okay.
Just be self-aware and don'ttake their negativity
personally.
They aren't at your level yet.
Everyone you meet is not goingto support unlike where you are
or where you're growing.
You see that on a say, going, Isaid, where you're growing,
that's fine.
You are not aligned with thatperson.
Move forward without shame andgive them grace, create depth
(31:42):
and layers to who you are, knowhow you want to be loved how to
openly love others and how toreceive love from others.
I'll repeat this so you can feelit.
No, how you want to be loved andhow to openly love others and
how to receive love from others.
Evaluate your past and presentrelationships.
(32:05):
If you are honest with yourself.
And see the same negativepatterns.
That pattern is the area youneed growth.
If you notice that you've beenhaving sex immediately, when you
first meet somebody and then therelationship is over or a ghost
only physical and sexual stopthat pattern.
You are worth the wait.
(32:25):
If we don't own up to our trueself, we cannot respond
appropriately to change.
At MIT, one painful fact aboutyourself to yourself.
Self honesty is a key topositive change in yourself.
This will lead to accuratelyunderstanding.
What you value?
We have to be open to win thewar within us, by acknowledging
(32:48):
our hurtful truths.
You don't need someone else tolove you to find value on
yourself, be your own bestfriend.
You start attracting people thatare aligned and like-minded, you
are more likely to surroundyourself in circles of
like-minded individuals.
You must be everything that youdesire.
If you desire an amazing friend,you have to be an amazing
(33:11):
friend.
Therefore you will attract anamazing friend.
You must be able to providedesires of your heart on your
own before expecting someoneelse to bring it to you.
Invest in your own happiness.
Take yourself on trips.
Start your own hobbies.
Create your fitness goals.
Every human has been designed tobe successful.
(33:31):
You don't need a great companionto be a great companion.
Every relationship that isn'taligned to you.
Is a learning experience.
Let's not call it a breakup or afail relationship or a
heartbreak is simply a learningexperience.
Be comfortable in your own worldwhile you're in a relationship
(33:51):
or marriage have a social lifeoutside your relationship.
So you're not pressuring yoursignificant other to be your
everything because after a whilebeing everything for someone can
get to be exhausting.
Set reasonable deal, breakersand expectations.
When evaluating your fights, forexample.
There's a difference between Idon't drink alcohol.
(34:12):
So I refuse to date someone elsethat drinks alcohol versus I
don't drink alcohol, but I'mwilling to date a social
drinker.
A reasonable deal breaker wouldbe.
I refuse to date an alcoholicalcoholism.
Doesn't align with my emotionalvalues.
Example too, of setting areasonable deal breaker or
(34:33):
expectations.
I value my freedom of not havinga teen or young children.
So I refuse to date anyone thathas children versus I value my
freedom of not having a teen oryoung children, but I'm willing
to date someone that has anadult child or adult children.
Your reasonable deal-breakerwould be.
I refuse to date someone withyoung children or teenagers,
(34:56):
teens and children are notaligned with my emotional values
of freedom.
Each week I promote an Arthur.
And I'm going to promoteArthur's based on life changing
book.
I've read this week.
I must discuss the author.
Jason Wilson.
He is an expert in emotionalstability training for men.
(35:16):
The book is titled.
Battle cry, waging and winningthe war within, in this book, he
discusses how he struggled withcombating his toxic thoughts and
emotions, which caused him tocommunicate without composure
and cause him to hurt himself.
And those he loved after healingfrom his emotional struggles and
winning the war within.
He is now a loving father andhusband and the director of the
(35:39):
cave of Adullam transformationalacademy.
The acronym is kata.
Cave of Adullam transformationalacademy.
He also presented his academy atpresident Obama's.
My brother's keeper showcase atthe white house.
Mr.
Jason Wilson has over 25 yearsof martial arts experience.
And over 20 years of developingand training young black males,
(36:00):
you can also follow Mr.
Wilson on Instagram at M R J a SO N O w I L S O N.
Mr.
Jason O.
Wilson.
I'm a poet and I love poetry.
So I'm also going to share oneof my favorite male poets and
spoken word artists, laundryhill, and his book of poetry
(36:22):
called eternal sunshine.
The poem, title, love andrelationships.
Mandrills spoken word albums andmeditations can also be found on
apple music.
He writes and records all of hispoems in the poem, love and
relationships.
I will share some lines in thepoem that touch my spirit.
I often listened to the wholepoem in the morning.
While I'm getting ready forwork.
(36:43):
I'm only going to share lessthan a minute of the poem.
Love is.
Love is that emotional,spiritual thing inside that you
can't define from afar?
It looks like a danger sign, butas you get closer, it's almost
like looking into an Angel'seyes because they make you
forget about everything that hashurt you and the pain inside and
smile as bright as the sunshine,even though it may rank at
(37:07):
times, love is sacred.
Love is sanctified.
It is what brought peace to theworld in ancient times.
Love is the same energy andcreated the universe and paints.
The sky love is the person thatbursting.
At night and angels fly love isintellectual conversations that
make our brains collide.
Love can really make you goinsane at times.
Love is that little thing insidethat makes anger die.
(37:29):
Love told me to love myself.
And then I became sublime love.
Can't really be explained attimes.
Love is everything's that Ican't describe love is
everything.
Everything is love.
The details of the whole poem isso elegantly written with such
passion and purpose, but laundrykills creativity has that impact
(37:50):
on my life.
I asked you to go ahead anddownload one of those albums
from, apple music.
I listened to it in themornings.
It really lifts my spirits, Thelinks to Mr.
Jason Wilson's book, battle cry,waging of war within and laundry
hill.
It will be listed in my podcastnotes.
You are now a champion forhealing and change for quick
(38:13):
reflections, for clarificationand understanding.
Listen and listen.
Well, reflection one.
The way we view and shape andspeak about what we feel are
negative experiences in ourlife.
Also determines how we heal.
Practice positive language andrecognize how it develops your
thoughts and actions.
(38:34):
Avoid saying breakup.
Uh, voicing failed marriage orfail relationships.
Those phrases create negativelanguage that internalizes
negative thoughts and theexperience.
Use terms like we weren'taligned.
We grew apart.
Our separation was a mutualagreement.
We have been conditioned tobelieve that we have failed at a
(38:55):
relationship when the truth isyou went through a relational
learning experience and you cantake time to analyze and embrace
your faults, forgive yourself,and forgive the other person for
those faults andmisunderstandings.
Then you can take the time toheal, grow and be better for
your next relationship.
If you don't grow and learn froma relationship that was not
(39:16):
aligned, you will be in acontinuous cycle of those same
types of unhealthy relationshipsor trauma.
Trauma bonds.
After ending a relationship thatwas not aligned to your values,
take at least eight to 12 monthsto heal.
Find yourself and values beforeentering into a new
relationship.
Uh, quickly rushing into a newrelationship without healing is
not fair to the new person.
(39:37):
They deserve to have a fullyhealed you.
If you happen to meet someonebefore you have completely
healed, be honest about yourhealing journey, ask them to
give you appropriate time toheal from your mutual separation
so you can love them openly andproperly when you're ready.
Reflection too.
Do temperature checks inlong-term marriages.
(40:00):
Uh, or relationships, atemperature check in a long-term
marriage or relationships meansyou have an annual value check
by asking if you both arewilling to move forward with the
relationship for another year,had this open conversation
mutually, if it's difficult, youmay need a coach or therapist to
help you with difficultconversations.
Is your relationship growing andthriving together?
(40:21):
Have you created some sharedhobbies together?
If not, where and how can youstart don't waste each other's
time by sitting idle when yourlongterm relationship or
marriage is not always a badthing to end a relationship.
Most times it's the bestdecision for both parties.
It hurts at first, but it's soworth it.
I'm currently single by choice.
I'm currently almost two monthsinto healing after ending a
(40:45):
relationship that was notaligned.
I used to feel shamed duringthis time.
I used to feel loneliness duringthis time, but on this self love
journey I have learned topractice self-compassion from
the relationships ending due tomutual separation and not being
aligned.
I have really enjoyed recordingthis podcast because I could
feel myself being restored andempowered during the whole
(41:06):
process.
I also enjoy being open andtransparent with my listeners
because as champions.
When we're real together, weheal together and I'm human.
I have suffered from loneliness.
And it caused me to enter intonew romantic relationships,
knowing that I wasn't ready.
I've healed from loneliness andshifted into a state of enjoying
peaceful solitude I'm alone, butI'm no longer lonely.
(41:30):
There is a difference.
If you are single, join me inthe state of peaceful solitude
and we can leave lonelinessalone.
Okay.
I'm now in the process ofhealing, the essence of who I am
before I decide to seek a newromantic relationship, I'm
standing strong on my fights andmy values.
(41:51):
I want to be aligned withsomeone financially,
intellectually, physically,emotionally, and spiritually.
And I know exactly what I wantand desire.
I'm no longer going with theflow.
I'm no longer being likable.
I'm only embracing, being trulylovable.
I'm empowered to say no, if weare not aligned during my eight
(42:12):
to 12 months of healing.
I'm allowing my self to focusand gain explicit clarity on the
desires of my heart.
I I've scheduled a valve silenceretreat at an ashram.
I'm doing this before my heartopens to my future romantic
experience for the first time,I'm excited about being single
without feelings of shame.
Optimism and faith are sobeautiful for me.
(42:35):
Reflection three.
I can't let this podcast finishwithout addressing some
relationship struggles we mayencounter or create.
I know some of you are wonderingif I'm going to go deep.
This is the deepest that I'mgoing to go with this mind
games.
Negative assumptions and trustissues without appropriate
communication can destroy agreat relationship.
(42:58):
Be open with trust, often if youstart a relationship, tell the
person you are innocent untilproven guilty, which means
you're opening your heart tothat person's innocence.
And you're not going to findanything wrong with them or
search for anything wrong withthem, unless they do something
to hurt you.
That makes them guilty.
Set your trust levelsimmediately set your phone
(43:19):
boundaries.
Immediately.
Cell phones and electronicdevices are not going to
disappear and they are anintricate part of our
relationships.
This may be a difficultconversation to have with your
current partner or in a newrelationship, but it is another
necessary conversation.
If you have unhealthy trustissues, please listen to
(43:39):
session.
One of my podcasts healing fromtrust issues.
Our devices.
Our our personal property.
And when it's beeninappropriately searched by
someone without permission, itis an extreme violation.
However, it is also a violationto manipulate and force someone
to allow you to search theirdevice, set your phone
(44:01):
boundaries by agreements.
Ask, do we share passwords toour devices with each other?
Do we share devices openly andfreely?
What social media boundaries andtext message boundaries.
Do we say.
Are we allowing platonicfriendships with our exes?
Is it okay to have appropriateconversation with exes?
What would be consideredinappropriate flirting and how
(44:23):
should we address it?
If an ex wants to meet alone inpublic and person?
Is this allowed if we both agreeor should we never meet an X
alone?
Do we share our relationship onsocial media or do we keep our
relationship private?
Keep in mind that you can createa shared profile together with
only close friends and family toupdate with major information
(44:43):
such as travel and specialevents, don't allow social media
presence to determine thereality of your relationship.
This can be extremely messy andcalls unnecessary arguments to
avoid phone device and socialmedia drama.
Be open to set the boundariesthat are beneficial for your
relationship.
Find ways to compromise and findbalance.
(45:04):
I realized there's a wholegeneration of young people that
were born with smartphones andsocial media.
Also know many people sufferfrom phone addiction.
Please don't allow a phoneaddiction.
To ruin what could be a healthyrelationship.
If your partner has to ask youto put your phone down and you
get defensive and mad, you havea problem set boundary set yet
(45:25):
such as no phones during dinner,no phones an hour before bed or
no phones when we're having aserious discussion, no phones.
During date night, this createshealthy communication and
healthy phone and deviceboundaries.
One major tip.
As it relates to phones, I'mgoing to help you by saying this
I'm going to help someone.
Uh, by saying this, if you don'ttrust your partner and you have
(45:48):
evidence that was accidentallyrevealed to you without
searching, and without trying tofind evidence on your phone or
electronic device, it's alreadytime for you to end the
relationship.
You don't need any more proof.
You don't need to search througha phone to validate what you
already know, continuing tosearch for validation of what
(46:09):
you already know is consideredover obsessive and will drive
you I acknowledge the truth.
I trust your intuition and letit go.
If your partner violated theboundary you have for what's
considered cheating, infidelity,and deception within your
relationship, you have twooptions, option one in the
(46:30):
relationship and move on oroption to both agree to
relationship counseling.
If you plan to forgive and makeit work, don't lower yourself to
the option of getting payback orrevenge.
It's not worth your energy.
You deserve to be better and youdon't want to involve hurting
other innocent people.
So let your next search be asearch to find someone loyal,
(46:52):
trustworthy, and equally alignedwith your fights.
Reflection for.
A long relationship does notalways mean it's a healthy or
successful relationship.
We have this idea that couplesthat have been together for over
five, 10 or 20 years are thehealthiest, most perfect
relationships.
Sometimes these couples havebecome great at masking their
(47:15):
dysfunction and are reallysitting idle or waiting for the
children to move out.
Okay.
Truth is your children aresuffering.
You all are suffering.
They feel your pain.
They know their parents.
Aren't happy.
It's best to part ways let yourchildren heal appropriately.
Some long relationships aregenuinely healthy and
successful, but if you speakwith these couples, they will
(47:35):
express the amount of work ittook to reach the level of
growth and success.
The beautiful thing about theselong-term couples is the level
of dedication, respect, andunconditional love.
They have achieved growingtogether.
Meeting each other's financial.
Emotional, spiritual, all ofthose knees.
(47:56):
Your love languages may change.
Your desires may change.
Your values may change.
It's only fair for you toexpress these changes with your
partner to create the love thatyou want.
Hollywood does not depict thereality of real relationship,
love stories.
If you have extremely highexpectations that your whole
(48:16):
relationship will be all glitzand glamour.
Perfect and happy, happy everafter, like in romance, movies
or romance comedies.
This fantasy love is temporary.
The honeymoon phase.
If you crave this feeling,you'll have a new relationship
every few months because afterthe honeymoon phase is over
baby, you will become bored andready for new love.
(48:37):
I've been guilty of this in pastrelationships, no judgment, but
it's not always going to be thereality for a healthy, loving,
longterm relationship.
Some may want a longtermrelationship and some may just
want an occasional companionknow what you want and don't
settle for what someone elsewants.
Be self-aware of values, vision,lifestyle, and mission.
(49:03):
I have enjoyed this session somuch with you guys.
I'm still learning and growing.
I want you all to learn and growwith me being single is not a
bad word, embrace it.
It can actually be fun.
Battle your loneliness.
You don't have to continue beinglonely.
That's just a state of mind.
You can actually be happy andpeaceful in solitude, taking
(49:25):
care of yourself, loving onyourself.
And that way, when the rightperson comes along, you're
already in love with self.
And then they're.
Going to fall in love with you.
So be ready, be prepared andfocus on your fives and healing.
Elevate your mind.
Be open to health and wealth.
Trust the healing process,sometimes healing hurts, but
(49:49):
when completely healed youbecome a stronger.
Wiser and amazing human.
That was heavy.
Let's relax and breathe.
Breathe in love.
Breathe out.
Love.
Breathe in peace.
(50:12):
Breathe out peace.
Breathe in love.
Share love.
Now, share this podcast to helpsomeone you love Okay.
Understand the five values.
Of healthy loving relationshipsWe are champions.
(50:37):
We win together.
Let's continue to connect.
I've done all the talking, butdon't forget.
I'm also a great listener.
So after listening to thissession, you can release,
respond, reflect, or open up andacknowledge your struggles.
Let's start the healing processtogether.
Record your voice.
(50:57):
Or record a video and D M at tomy Instagram at shy, the healer
that's shy.
S H Y T H E healer, H E a L E R.
All one word.
I will try to respond to allvoice recordings and videos
only, but if you want to writesomething.
Write a review our comment andshare this podcast.
(51:22):
Champions you can support byclicking the link to donate and
support in my podcast notesuntil then see you next.
Healthcare sunday
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com
Las Culturistas with Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang
Ding dong! Join your culture consultants, Matt Rogers and Bowen Yang, on an unforgettable journey into the beating heart of CULTURE. Alongside sizzling special guests, they GET INTO the hottest pop-culture moments of the day and the formative cultural experiences that turned them into Culturistas. Produced by the Big Money Players Network and iHeartRadio.