August 23, 2023 • 14 mins
Ready for a counterintuitive take on managing stress and anxiety? Brace yourself because this episode could rock your beliefs. I invite you to challenge the well-worn advice of "relax and calm down", arguing that this might be escalating your anxiety rather than soothing it. Together, we dissect the complexities of the rebound effect, delve into the risky business of suppressing emotions, and highlight the importance of understanding our emotional experiences. You'll gain a whole new perspective on the mapping of emotions and how they shape our reactions.
But don't worry, I'm not leaving you with all theory and no practice. I got some groundbreaking, yet simple solutions at hand that focus on mindfulness and acceptance as powerful tools against anxiety. You'll learn why observing your anxious thoughts and sensations without judgement can be a game-changer, and how the art of redirection can morph your anxiety into a manageable experience. Uncover the secret to embracing the power of doing nothing, and find out how these unconventional methods can revolutionize your approach towards stress and anxiety. So, are you ready to pave your way towards a balanced and peaceful life? Tune in.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
The more I work with people who are struggling with
anxiety and depression andoverall stress, the more I
realize how our minds can playso many tricks on us and
sometimes we just have to relyon our bodies and our biology to
bring us back to balance.
In this session today I want totalk about why trying to relax
(00:23):
and calm down when you'restressed or anxious can actually
backfire and make it worse.
This goes against conventionalthinking, I know, and what you
might have heard of, but yes,trying to relax can actually
make you more anxious.
Speaker 2 (00:40):
You're listening to Mind Manners, hosted by licensed
psychotherapist Albert Nguyen.
Albert helps his clientsovercome past trauma, change
their mindset and acceleratetheir personal and professional
development.
This podcast covers a widerange of mental health and
self-development topics, witheach episode offering an
actionable step towards a betteryou.
(01:01):
If you're on a wellness journey, keep listening.
Speaker 1 (01:06):
So you probably are wondering shouldn't we relax and
calm down when we're stressed,and isn't that what we're
supposed to do?
Well, let me ask you thisquestion have you ever tried to
stop worrying?
When you're worrying, itdoesn't work right.
In fact, it does backfire,leading to a known phenomenon
called a rebound effect.
(01:26):
Trying to suppress or controlcertain thoughts or emotions
actually leads to an increase inthe frequency and intensity of
those emotions and thoughts.
For years now, I've beentelling a lot of my patients
that how you respond and reactto your emotional experiences
creates a message on thatexperience.
(01:48):
If you do it often, itbasically creates a map of
meaning around those emotions.
You're basically giving them aprescription which can either
lead to maladaptive or adaptivehabits.
Here's why this happens.
When you try to stop worryingor try to calm yourself down,
your mind becomes hyper-focusedon the very thing you're trying
(02:11):
to alleviate.
This increased attention canmake the experience more intense
and persistent.
It's like shining a flashlighttowards a dark hallway.
You start to notice things thatweren't there before.
I'm sure you understand thattrying to suppress anxiety,
stress or emotions tend to notwork that well.
It piles up and then you canblow up the mind.
(02:34):
Is very interesting.
It's like a reflex muscle andit likes to bounce back to
thoughts or worries that you tryto avoid.
It's like me telling you rightnow to not think of a pink
elephant, yet the image of thepink elephant pops up into your
mind.
What's more, trying towillfully and forcibly relax,
calm down or not worry cancreate or add additional stress,
(02:58):
unnecessary pressure that youneed to perform or succeed in
trying to reduce your anxiety orstress, which what often
happens that I see from mypatients is that they become
more and more self-critical.
Like I can't calm down, thiscoping skill doesn't work,
something's wrong with me and Ijust can't do it.
This only increases the anxietyand stress and overwhelm and
(03:21):
can lead to another viciouscycle on top of a vicious cycle.
So what can you do?
Does that mean I'm telling younot to try and calm down or use
coping skills?
I'll get to that in a moment.
For now, I want you tounderstand that, in essence, the
more you attempt to forcefullyrelax or calm down in response
(03:43):
to an anxious state or stressfulstate, the more you are likely
to magnify your focus on youranxiety and inadvertently
intensify it and ultimatelycondition your mind to interpret
the emotional experience ofanxiety as a threat and that you
must alleviate yourself orsuppress it somehow.
So let me be 100% with you youdo not need to do anything to
(04:05):
calm down.
In fact, you should not trainyourself to be afraid of your
own body and how your body isresponding.
The truth is, if you do nothingat all and simply sit and wait,
your body, in fact, will calmitself down.
Most problems with anxiety andstress come from the actions you
(04:26):
take in response to it, not theanxiety itself.
I say this often and I will sayit here Anxiety itself cannot
kill you.
It may feel like crap and it mayfeel like you're dying
sometimes, but it cannot hurtyou and it's fine to experience
anxiety in your body and youshould learn to be okay with it
(04:49):
and hold space for it.
It's your body, after all.
If you can't feel safe in yourown body, no matter where you go
, run to or hide, anxiety willbe there.
You can't run from yourself.
Anxiety is a human experience.
So, instead of relaxing, trustyour body.
When you do this, you unlearnthat anxiety is something you
(05:09):
should get rid of or be afraidof, to relearning that it's just
a biological experience andit's okay.
It really is okay.
Your body is built to bring youback to balance.
Let me solidify this concepteven more.
There's a popular TED talk andbook called the Upside of Stress
, and a researcher of this bookfound that believing that stress
(05:32):
is harmful can actually makestress more detrimental to your
health.
And the research also suggeststhat when people view stress as
helpful, it prepares you to facechallenges and embrace stress
as a natural response, Our bodyreleases more of a hormone
called oxytocin, often referredto as the bonding hormone.
This hormone helps counteractsome of the negative
(05:54):
physiological effects of stress.
This reminds me of the Buddhistquote what we think we become.
Of course, it's important tonote that individual experiences
with stress vary and the impactof stress on health is
influenced by a multitude offactors.
But I think understanding thepower of belief and how you
(06:15):
create your own placebo just byhow you think about something,
can help you in many ways.
It may not be the only solution, but it is a solution.
So what do we do?
From my personal experience andmy experience with working with
patients who struggle with OCDand if you understand anything
with OCD, it can get veryintense the number one thing I
(06:36):
recognize is that it's not theanxiety, stress or even the
obsession that is the majorproblem.
Yes, it's emotionally drainingand it's not a good feeling, but
the problem tends to come fromthe reaction and actions you
take that would determine how itwould be conditioned.
The key is this you truly don'tneed to do anything to relax.
(06:59):
It will happen, as long as youlet the natural process run its
course.
In therapy, I tell my patientsto hold space for it and sit
with it.
Just let it be and be with it.
It's like the weather forecastwhen it rains, we can't stop the
rain, so just let it rain.
So why does this work?
The same reason why meditationworks it allows our body to
(07:25):
regulate itself.
Without getting too far into thescience and jargon, each of us
you, me, all humans have anervous system with something
called the autonomic nervoussystem, or ANS.
This is responsible for theunconscious body functions such
as breathing, digestion andheart beating.
The ANS has two subsystems,called the parasympathetic and
(07:51):
sympathetic nervous system.
When we're stressed or anxious,it activates the sympathetic
nervous system, or more commonlyknown as the phytophyte
response.
It's the parasympatheticnervous system that calms the
physical body down throughslowing down the breath,
decreasing the heart rate.
These things happenautomatically on their own, so
(08:13):
you don't really need to try andintentionally relax when you're
feeling anxious.
All you need to do is sit andjust trust your body.
Trying to control and calmyourself down can often make it
harder for the parasympatheticnervous system to do its job.
This is why, the more we try toavoid stress, anxiety or
worries, they actually get worse.
(08:35):
So let's talk about what youcan do instead.
Instead of trying toimmediately subdue your anxiety,
trust your biology.
Sit with it and don't try tocalm down.
Let your body do what it'sbuilt to do.
And while you're sitting andholding space for your body to
do its work and job, here aresome things to keep in mind that
(08:57):
you can apply.
While the body is working, usemindfulness.
Rather than trying to changeyour anxious state, practice
mindfulness.
Just observe your anxiousthoughts and sensations in your
body without judgment, allowingthem to exist without resistance
.
I often describe this as beinga nature and allowing the wind
(09:19):
to pass by.
Experience the wind.
Don't resist it, let it pass.
As you practice mindfulness,you will naturally become more
self-compassionate.
Just by acknowledging thatanxiety is a natural response
can allow you to let go of theneed to control it and
eventually let go of anyself-criticism, because nothing
is wrong with you for havingthis biological experience.
(09:42):
Another thing you can do duringthis time of holding the space
is shifting your attention.
This may seem contradictory tothe concept of doing nothing,
but for some of us starting out,especially kids, we have a hard
time just sitting and doingnothing.
So I encourage usingredirection.
Think of this as plannedignoring.
(10:02):
You're not really trying tocalm down, you're just
redirecting your attention andfocus away from the anxious
experience so that the body cando its job while you go back to
just living your life.
Try engaging in activities thatcaptures your attention and
brings you to the present moment, and you might even forget that
you were feeling anxious tobegin with.
This redirection can naturallyhelp calm your mind without
(10:24):
actually trying to calm yourmind.
And finally practice acceptance.
Accept that anxiety is a partof your experience at the moment
.
Allow it to be present withouttrying to change it.
My hope for you as you practicethis is to change how you feel
in your own body, to have ahealthy relationship with your
emotions, pleasant andunpleasant, because they are a
(10:46):
part of you and they are thevery essence of being human.
Remember this you may feelhorrible, but these feelings
can't harm you, and throughexposure therapy of just sitting
with it and doing essentiallynothing, you prove to yourself
that you're not going to diejust for feeling this.
I want you to give yourselfpermission to be grounded in
(11:07):
your body.
Imagine your body becoming likethe mountain grounded, solid
and still.
Before I end this session, Iwant to also encourage you to
embrace the power of doingnothing when you're not anxious
or worried or having abiological experience.
Intentionally create time andspace for yourself to do nothing
(11:28):
, whether it's a few minutes ofmeditation or sitting in a quiet
space.
Also, disconnect to connectwith yourself.
Disconnect from technology,electronic devices, screens and
anything that can distract youfrom being fully present.
And please, go get some vitaminN, and by vitamin N I mean
spend some time in nature, whereyou can enjoy and experience
(11:50):
the natural environment throughyour senses, like a dog sticking
their head out of the carwindow and feeling the wind.
Remember that doing nothingdoesn't mean being unproductive.
Rather, it's an intentionalpractice that allows you to slow
down, reset and recharge andappreciate the value of
stillness in an increasinglybusy world Because, truthfully,
(12:11):
only time that matters is now,right now.
Now is all you have.
My final message to you thefeelings can't hurt you
physically.
Don't be afraid of them.
Your emotions, especially thehard ones, are there for a
reason.
They matter and they provideyou insight into what's
important to you.
So practice and train yourselfto hold that space and let
(12:32):
yourself know you are safe whenyou react or even respond, even
with the best intentions.
You can easily send yourself amessage that whatever emotional
stress or anxiety you're havingis a problem, that you must do
something about it.
This conditioning can lead toyou feeling unsafe in your own
body and that you need to calmdown every time you feel this.
(12:52):
Your emotions is never theproblem.
Your situation may be theproblem, but not your emotion.
We need to reframe and retrainthis and remind ourselves that
emotions are neither good norbad.
They just are, and what webelieve or think of them makes
them the way they are, and it'sbecause of the belief that
drives and influence the actionswe take.
(13:12):
So the next time you are feelingstressed, upset or anxious,
know that your body has got yourback.
Sometimes we just have to getout of our own way for things to
work.
Trust your physical being andtake space and hold space so
that you can have thisbiological experience.
Over time, you will build ahealthier relationship with
yourself and this self-trustwill always be beside you.
(13:34):
And, what's more, when youlearn to contain these powerful
emotions effectively, you willbe able to leverage and channel
them in ways that will enhanceyour ability to live with
courage and bravery.
We will talk more about this inanother session.
Take care everyone.
Speaker 2 (13:51):
Thanks for tuning in to Mind Manners with Albert
Nguyen.
We hope you found value in thisepisode.
If you'd like to work withAlbert one-on-one, visit
optimindcounselingcom to learnmore about his private practice.
Thanks for joining us.
If you'd like to join acommunity of like-minded
individuals, search Mind Mannerspodcast community on Facebook
and join our group to connectwith others on their wellness
(14:13):
journeys.
Finally, if you haven't alreadydone so, please write us a
five-star review on ApplePodcast and let us know you're
enjoying the show.
The more I work with people who are struggling with
anxiety and depression andoverall stress, the more I
realize how our minds can playso many tricks on us and
sometimes we just have to relyon our bodies and our biology to
bring us back to balance.
In this session today I want totalk about why trying to relax
(00:23):
and calm down when you'restressed or anxious can actually
backfire and make it worse.
This goes against conventionalthinking, I know, and what you
might have heard of, but yes,trying to relax can actually
make you more anxious.
Speaker 2 (00:40):
You're listening to Mind Manners, hosted by licensed
psychotherapist Albert Nguyen.
Albert helps his clientsovercome past trauma, change
their mindset and acceleratetheir personal and professional
development.
This podcast covers a widerange of mental health and
self-development topics, witheach episode offering an
actionable step towards a betteryou.
(01:01):
If you're on a wellness journey, keep listening.
Speaker 1 (01:06):
So you probably are wondering shouldn't we relax and
calm down when we're stressed,and isn't that what we're
supposed to do?
Well, let me ask you thisquestion have you ever tried to
stop worrying?
When you're worrying, itdoesn't work right.
In fact, it does backfire,leading to a known phenomenon
called a rebound effect.
(01:26):
Trying to suppress or controlcertain thoughts or emotions
actually leads to an increase inthe frequency and intensity of
those emotions and thoughts.
For years now, I've beentelling a lot of my patients
that how you respond and reactto your emotional experiences
creates a message on thatexperience.
(01:48):
If you do it often, itbasically creates a map of
meaning around those emotions.
You're basically giving them aprescription which can either
lead to maladaptive or adaptivehabits.
Here's why this happens.
When you try to stop worryingor try to calm yourself down,
your mind becomes hyper-focusedon the very thing you're trying
(02:11):
to alleviate.
This increased attention canmake the experience more intense
and persistent.
It's like shining a flashlighttowards a dark hallway.
You start to notice things thatweren't there before.
I'm sure you understand thattrying to suppress anxiety,
stress or emotions tend to notwork that well.
It piles up and then you canblow up the mind.
(02:34):
Is very interesting.
It's like a reflex muscle andit likes to bounce back to
thoughts or worries that you tryto avoid.
It's like me telling you rightnow to not think of a pink
elephant, yet the image of thepink elephant pops up into your
mind.
What's more, trying towillfully and forcibly relax,
calm down or not worry cancreate or add additional stress,
(02:58):
unnecessary pressure that youneed to perform or succeed in
trying to reduce your anxiety orstress, which what often
happens that I see from mypatients is that they become
more and more self-critical.
Like I can't calm down, thiscoping skill doesn't work,
something's wrong with me and Ijust can't do it.
This only increases the anxietyand stress and overwhelm and
(03:21):
can lead to another viciouscycle on top of a vicious cycle.
So what can you do?
Does that mean I'm telling younot to try and calm down or use
coping skills?
I'll get to that in a moment.
For now, I want you tounderstand that, in essence, the
more you attempt to forcefullyrelax or calm down in response
(03:43):
to an anxious state or stressfulstate, the more you are likely
to magnify your focus on youranxiety and inadvertently
intensify it and ultimatelycondition your mind to interpret
the emotional experience ofanxiety as a threat and that you
must alleviate yourself orsuppress it somehow.
So let me be 100% with you youdo not need to do anything to
(04:05):
calm down.
In fact, you should not trainyourself to be afraid of your
own body and how your body isresponding.
The truth is, if you do nothingat all and simply sit and wait,
your body, in fact, will calmitself down.
Most problems with anxiety andstress come from the actions you
(04:26):
take in response to it, not theanxiety itself.
I say this often and I will sayit here Anxiety itself cannot
kill you.
It may feel like crap and it mayfeel like you're dying
sometimes, but it cannot hurtyou and it's fine to experience
anxiety in your body and youshould learn to be okay with it
(04:49):
and hold space for it.
It's your body, after all.
If you can't feel safe in yourown body, no matter where you go
, run to or hide, anxiety willbe there.
You can't run from yourself.
Anxiety is a human experience.
So, instead of relaxing, trustyour body.
When you do this, you unlearnthat anxiety is something you
(05:09):
should get rid of or be afraidof, to relearning that it's just
a biological experience andit's okay.
It really is okay.
Your body is built to bring youback to balance.
Let me solidify this concepteven more.
There's a popular TED talk andbook called the Upside of Stress
, and a researcher of this bookfound that believing that stress
(05:32):
is harmful can actually makestress more detrimental to your
health.
And the research also suggeststhat when people view stress as
helpful, it prepares you to facechallenges and embrace stress
as a natural response, Our bodyreleases more of a hormone
called oxytocin, often referredto as the bonding hormone.
This hormone helps counteractsome of the negative
(05:54):
physiological effects of stress.
This reminds me of the Buddhistquote what we think we become.
Of course, it's important tonote that individual experiences
with stress vary and the impactof stress on health is
influenced by a multitude offactors.
But I think understanding thepower of belief and how you
(06:15):
create your own placebo just byhow you think about something,
can help you in many ways.
It may not be the only solution, but it is a solution.
So what do we do?
From my personal experience andmy experience with working with
patients who struggle with OCDand if you understand anything
with OCD, it can get veryintense the number one thing I
(06:36):
recognize is that it's not theanxiety, stress or even the
obsession that is the majorproblem.
Yes, it's emotionally drainingand it's not a good feeling, but
the problem tends to come fromthe reaction and actions you
take that would determine how itwould be conditioned.
The key is this you truly don'tneed to do anything to relax.
(06:59):
It will happen, as long as youlet the natural process run its
course.
In therapy, I tell my patientsto hold space for it and sit
with it.
Just let it be and be with it.
It's like the weather forecastwhen it rains, we can't stop the
rain, so just let it rain.
So why does this work?
The same reason why meditationworks it allows our body to
(07:25):
regulate itself.
Without getting too far into thescience and jargon, each of us
you, me, all humans have anervous system with something
called the autonomic nervoussystem, or ANS.
This is responsible for theunconscious body functions such
as breathing, digestion andheart beating.
The ANS has two subsystems,called the parasympathetic and
(07:51):
sympathetic nervous system.
When we're stressed or anxious,it activates the sympathetic
nervous system, or more commonlyknown as the phytophyte
response.
It's the parasympatheticnervous system that calms the
physical body down throughslowing down the breath,
decreasing the heart rate.
These things happenautomatically on their own, so
(08:13):
you don't really need to try andintentionally relax when you're
feeling anxious.
All you need to do is sit andjust trust your body.
Trying to control and calmyourself down can often make it
harder for the parasympatheticnervous system to do its job.
This is why, the more we try toavoid stress, anxiety or
worries, they actually get worse.
(08:35):
So let's talk about what youcan do instead.
Instead of trying toimmediately subdue your anxiety,
trust your biology.
Sit with it and don't try tocalm down.
Let your body do what it'sbuilt to do.
And while you're sitting andholding space for your body to
do its work and job, here aresome things to keep in mind that
(08:57):
you can apply.
While the body is working, usemindfulness.
Rather than trying to changeyour anxious state, practice
mindfulness.
Just observe your anxiousthoughts and sensations in your
body without judgment, allowingthem to exist without resistance
.
I often describe this as beinga nature and allowing the wind
(09:19):
to pass by.
Experience the wind.
Don't resist it, let it pass.
As you practice mindfulness,you will naturally become more
self-compassionate.
Just by acknowledging thatanxiety is a natural response
can allow you to let go of theneed to control it and
eventually let go of anyself-criticism, because nothing
is wrong with you for havingthis biological experience.
(09:42):
Another thing you can do duringthis time of holding the space
is shifting your attention.
This may seem contradictory tothe concept of doing nothing,
but for some of us starting out,especially kids, we have a hard
time just sitting and doingnothing.
So I encourage usingredirection.
Think of this as plannedignoring.
(10:02):
You're not really trying tocalm down, you're just
redirecting your attention andfocus away from the anxious
experience so that the body cando its job while you go back to
just living your life.
Try engaging in activities thatcaptures your attention and
brings you to the present moment, and you might even forget that
you were feeling anxious tobegin with.
This redirection can naturallyhelp calm your mind without
(10:24):
actually trying to calm yourmind.
And finally practice acceptance.
Accept that anxiety is a partof your experience at the moment
.
Allow it to be present withouttrying to change it.
My hope for you as you practicethis is to change how you feel
in your own body, to have ahealthy relationship with your
emotions, pleasant andunpleasant, because they are a
(10:46):
part of you and they are thevery essence of being human.
Remember this you may feelhorrible, but these feelings
can't harm you, and throughexposure therapy of just sitting
with it and doing essentiallynothing, you prove to yourself
that you're not going to diejust for feeling this.
I want you to give yourselfpermission to be grounded in
(11:07):
your body.
Imagine your body becoming likethe mountain grounded, solid
and still.
Before I end this session, Iwant to also encourage you to
embrace the power of doingnothing when you're not anxious
or worried or having abiological experience.
Intentionally create time andspace for yourself to do nothing
(11:28):
, whether it's a few minutes ofmeditation or sitting in a quiet
space.
Also, disconnect to connectwith yourself.
Disconnect from technology,electronic devices, screens and
anything that can distract youfrom being fully present.
And please, go get some vitaminN, and by vitamin N I mean
spend some time in nature, whereyou can enjoy and experience
(11:50):
the natural environment throughyour senses, like a dog sticking
their head out of the carwindow and feeling the wind.
Remember that doing nothingdoesn't mean being unproductive.
Rather, it's an intentionalpractice that allows you to slow
down, reset and recharge andappreciate the value of
stillness in an increasinglybusy world Because, truthfully,
(12:11):
only time that matters is now,right now.
Now is all you have.
My final message to you thefeelings can't hurt you
physically.
Don't be afraid of them.
Your emotions, especially thehard ones, are there for a
reason.
They matter and they provideyou insight into what's
important to you.
So practice and train yourselfto hold that space and let
(12:32):
yourself know you are safe whenyou react or even respond, even
with the best intentions.
You can easily send yourself amessage that whatever emotional
stress or anxiety you're havingis a problem, that you must do
something about it.
This conditioning can lead toyou feeling unsafe in your own
body and that you need to calmdown every time you feel this.
(12:52):
Your emotions is never theproblem.
Your situation may be theproblem, but not your emotion.
We need to reframe and retrainthis and remind ourselves that
emotions are neither good norbad.
They just are, and what webelieve or think of them makes
them the way they are, and it'sbecause of the belief that
drives and influence the actionswe take.
(13:12):
So the next time you are feelingstressed, upset or anxious,
know that your body has got yourback.
Sometimes we just have to getout of our own way for things to
work.
Trust your physical being andtake space and hold space so
that you can have thisbiological experience.
Over time, you will build ahealthier relationship with
yourself and this self-trustwill always be beside you.
(13:34):
And, what's more, when youlearn to contain these powerful
emotions effectively, you willbe able to leverage and channel
them in ways that will enhanceyour ability to live with
courage and bravery.
We will talk more about this inanother session.
Take care everyone.
Speaker 2 (13:51):
Thanks for tuning in to Mind Manners with Albert
Nguyen.
We hope you found value in thisepisode.
If you'd like to work withAlbert one-on-one, visit
optimindcounselingcom to learnmore about his private practice.
Thanks for joining us.
If you'd like to join acommunity of like-minded
individuals, search Mind Mannerspodcast community on Facebook
and join our group to connectwith others on their wellness
(14:13):
journeys.
Finally, if you haven't alreadydone so, please write us a
five-star review on ApplePodcast and let us know you're
enjoying the show.
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