Whether or not you've personally dealt with abuse, you most likely know someone who has. In this powerful episode of Mind Your Midlife, I talk with domestic abuse survivor and advocate Tiffiny Newton about how women over 40 and 50 can recognize the signs of abuse, protect their self confidence, and reclaim their joy.
Tiffiny shares her personal journey of leaving an abusive relationship and transforming that pain into purpose—helping women spot red flags, set boundaries, and understand that real self care starts with safety. This conversation is heavy, but it’s one every midlife woman needs to hear.
BY THE TIME YOU FINISH LISTENING, YOU’LL DISCOVER:
✔ Why abuse isn’t just physical—and how emotional and psychological abuse can quietly strip away your self confidence
✔ The red flags midlife women should watch for in dating and long-term relationships
✔ How to support a friend or family member you suspect is experiencing abuse
✔ Why silence and shame keep women stuck—and how awareness becomes your superpower
✔ The difference between healthy disagreements and dangerous control
🎯 OMG Moment: Abuse thrives in silence. If you’re questioning whether something in your relationship is abuse, that’s the answer—trust your gut.
Take Action
Pause and check in with yourself. Are disagreements in your relationship rooted in respect and safety—or do they make you feel fear, shame, or powerlessness? If something feels off, listen to your instincts.
And if you suspect someone you love is struggling, the simplest words—“I’m here if you need to talk”—can open the door.
Find Tiffiny's book, Behind The Smile, at cherylpfischer.com/read.
Join Cheryl and Tiffiny in Patreon (https://patreon.com/mindyourmidlife) for tips on how to talk with younger women and teens about abuse, personal strength, and protecting themselves.
Why This Episode Matters
Midlife women deserve joy, fulfillment, and healthy love. But too often, fear and silence keep abuse hidden. By talking about this openly, we make it safer for women to recognize abuse, break free, and build a stronger mindset toward confidence and healing.
🎧 Hit follow now and don’t miss next week’s episode where I’ll share a simple, free self care tool you can use during stressful times—a practice called tapping.
Text me to ask a question - I'll answer on the podcast!
Subscribe to receive bonus episodes at cherylpfischer.com/bonusepisodes.
🌸 Liked this episode? Share it with fellow Gen X women navigating hormone balance, an empty nest, and/or self-confidence!
🫶 Love this show? Leave a review to help more women over 50 find us.
💡Want support through menopause, mindset shifts, or midlife transitions?
- Join the collective by subscribing on Patreon or grab the bonus episodes!
- Book a free Mindset Coaching / Intro Call: cherylpfischer.com/coaching
Let’s talk midlife body positivity, self-talk, and redefining aging for women — without the “midlife crisis” narrative.
Connect with Cheryl, Midlife Coach: Instagram | LinkedIn | Website
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Cheryl Fischer (00:00):
We're going to talk today about something that
is really, really important.
It's a heavier topic than whata lot of Mind your Midlife
episodes are about, and thereason we're talking about it is
that the actual act of talkingabout it and knowing what is
going on and understanding whatwe can do and what we can look
(00:25):
for is the key, is the key tosolving this, and what I'm
talking about is domestic abuse,and it might be physical abuse,
it might be mental, emotional,psychological.
It might be very obvious, itmight be very hidden.
The key is awareness, knowingwhat to look for, knowing how to
(00:52):
help, because that is a tricky,tricky thing, and you're going
to hear my guest and I talkabout that, so stick with me.
This is an important one.
Welcome to Mind your Midlife,your go-to resource for
confidence and success, onethought at a time.
Unlike most advice out there,we believe that simply telling
(01:14):
you to believe in yourself orchange your habits isn't enough
to wake up excited about life orfeel truly confident in your
body.
Each week, you'll gainactionable strategies and oh my
goodness, powerful insights tostop feeling stuck and start
loving your midlife.
This is the Mind your Midlifepodcast.
(01:35):
I am so grateful when it comesto this topic of domestic abuse,
that I have not been in asituation where I have had a
relationship where abuse wasinvolved.
I am so grateful for thatBecause you're going to hear
today, it's very, very common,and so the goal is to know what
(02:01):
to look for and know how to helpif someone who's important to
you in your life potentiallycould be in a situation like
this and know how to recognizethe signs that maybe this new
person that you met when youwent on the over 50 dating app
isn't actually all that theyseem.
(02:22):
We want to know what to lookfor and we want to know how to
help.
So today's guest is TiffanyNewton.
Six years ago, tiffany left anabusive relationship and she has
transformed that pain into herpurpose.
She's a life insurance broker.
(02:43):
Her purpose she's a lifeinsurance broker.
She's the founder of New TideConsulting LLC, and she's also
the president and co-founder ofIgnite Her Inc.
And one of the things you'llhear her talking about is that
she is getting certified toteach Brazilian Jiujitsu because
she is doing self-defenseclasses equipping women to
(03:07):
protect themselves.
She is actively a domesticviolence advocate and has served
on various response teams andtask forces.
Sharing her story she believeshelps others of us recognize the
signs of abuse, develop safeexit strategies and reclaim our
(03:28):
strength.
And I could not agree more andI really believe this is going
to be an important discussion.
So welcome, tiffany.
Thank you.
This is such an importantconversation to have, but it's
something that also, I guess,could be kind of overlooked or
certainly hidden.
(03:48):
Can you give us an idea of howbig of a problem domestic
violence is, how many women areaffected, how often it happens
and all those kind of basicpieces?
Tiffiny Newton (03:58):
Being raised up and in most women this is
potentially the case.
I'm not going to speak onbehalf of all women, but so many
of us are like, raised on thenurturing side, we're handed
dolls and you know the femininethings.
So speaking up to protectourselves isn't what we were
brought up saying and speakingout Right.
(04:21):
So you know framing it in thatway.
I don't think the reportednumbers are true numbers because
there are so many that don'tget reported and these numbers
are just the reported.
It's reported that one in threewomen will experience some form
(04:42):
of domestic violence ordomestic abuse in their lifetime
.
Wow, and that's only reported,one in three.
And abuse isn't.
You know, as you and I've talked, abuse isn't just broken bones
and black eyes and bruises.
It's all encompassing of fearand control and manipulation,
and that it happens in everycommunity.
(05:04):
It doesn't matter the incomelevel, it doesn't matter the
race, it doesn't matter thegender, every background, every
income level.
It encompasses all of it.
And the craziest thing is thatmost victims, when it starts,
most victims, don't even realizeit's abuse, especially when
(05:26):
it's emotional or psychological,because it starts out so little
, right it's.
They're chipping away like youwould whittle something in wood,
right, you don't hack it.
If you're trying to be delicateand chip away at something, you
do small little movements andthat's kind of how it all begins
(05:47):
.
That's why I even got into, youknow, talking about all of this
, because all of those are darkcorners.
It it's embarrassing, it bringsup guilt and shame, and I want
to be able to help womenrecognize those signs so they
can protect themselves before itescalates.
Get out before it escalates,protect yourself.
Cheryl Fischer (06:10):
And so we're used to talking about this, I
think, with regards to physicalabuse, which we can certainly
talk about, but you point outthat there is also emotional and
there's also psychological.
Point out that there is alsoemotional and there's also
psychological, and so can youtalk us through what those are
and the differences between them?
(06:32):
I guess Sure.
Tiffiny Newton (06:33):
I mean physical.
I mean that's what we all areaccustomed to, right?
We don't think it's abuse ifit's not physical, right?
So that's easy.
Hitting, strangulation,slapping, restraining,
kidnapping, I mean all of thatkind of falls into that category
.
Emotional abuse is way morequiet.
(06:54):
You don't really know what'shappening.
Constant criticism oh, you'regoing to wear that.
Why are you getting moredressed up for work than you do
with?
You know, for me, gaslighting?
No, that never happened.
That wasn't me.
Why are you?
Why are you taking that so outof context?
You're, you know, you're,you're crazy.
(07:16):
Isolation of you know, oh, theydon't have the best, their best
interest in you.
Or if you do, go out withfriends.
Or, in my case, I went to goget my haircut and he was
blowing up my phone while I wasgetting my haircut because he
didn't want me getting myhaircut.
So he found a hairdresser thatwould come to the house and do
my hair.
(07:36):
Wow, so isolation, right.
And it chips away at yourself-worth.
It's actually like a falsesense of self-worth because you
think it's getting built upbecause, oh, I have your best
interest at heart.
I'm going to do somethingspecial for you.
I'm going to send you to thespa, I'm going to bring someone
(07:57):
here to do your hair.
See, I care about you, right?
So they're elevating your senseof self-worth and you feel so
important to them, but they'restripping it away.
It's like the magic trick of,you know, whipping out the
tablecloth out from underneaththe dining set, right?
So that is you know.
(08:19):
You just feel so special, notrealizing, and there's a quote
I'll tell you kind of as we wrapup, that really impacted me.
It hit me really hard when Irealized this.
But you just feel so special,but you don't realize, you're
not, you're not, you're gettinggroomed, you're not.
It's not actually a specialfeeling, it's another feeling
(08:40):
that you should be listening to,but it's not you feeling
special.
And then, of course, thepsychological is about the
control and fear, right, thethreats, the stalking, the I
need to see your phone I who areyou cheating with, destroying
personal property?
He took things of mine andthrew them on the ground while I
(09:00):
was gone at work and I wouldcome home to things broken.
I don't know.
You must've done that when youmove the towel off the counter,
or like blaming things again,gaslighting, going back to
gaslighting.
And then, of course, like I wasmentioning, you can utilize the
legal system for thepsychological side of it, Right,
but it's all.
All the psychological stuff isdesigned to make you feel
(09:22):
powerless, right, but they couldall overlap and that's very,
it's a very dangerous recipe.
Cheryl Fischer (09:29):
It really sort of clarified for me when you
said that the person in thissituation may feel like, wow,
this person really is so into meand that's very validating, or
I'm struggling for exactly theright word.
It feels good maybe to think,wow, this person is it's like
(09:49):
you're on your honeymoon.
Yeah, they're so focused on me,they're so into me.
I can see how that would be atrap for sure.
Tiffiny Newton (09:57):
Yeah, I mean that becomes the trauma bond.
So you feel so like, wow, thisis an amazing feeling.
But you don't realize what thatfeeling is.
Right, it's actually your guttelling you to get the hell out
of Dodge, but you feel likeyou're so wrapped up in like
this amazing, like attractionand this chemistry and this
(10:19):
honeymoon tornado of whatthey're dragging you through
until it's too late, Like ifthat trauma bond gets stronger
and stronger with each day thatthey say something to you or
chip away or build you up.
You are just holding on forthat hope to get back to the
person that you met when youfirst met them.
Cheryl Fischer (10:42):
And I know in your situation, there was
something that kind of flippedthe switch for you and you
realized that you needed to getout.
Is that a common part of thestory for someone who's escaped
from this or recovered from this?
Tiffiny Newton (10:58):
I think you're so.
On average it takes seven toeight times, and some places say
seven, some say eight.
So I'll just say it's kind ofright smack in the middle.
So maybe 7.5, right.
But it really does takemultiple times to leave that
person because that trauma bondis so strong and the feeling of
(11:19):
hope that you're holding on towhen they'll be good to you
again is super strong.
That's when hope becomesdangerous.
The first time you leave, oh,maybe I overreacted.
Right, they're telling youyou're overreacting.
Maybe I looked at this wrong.
Maybe I need to look at it fromtheir point of view.
Maybe I was doing this wrong.
Maybe it is my fault.
(11:40):
You go down this rabbit hole ofblame, fault, like you go down
this rabbit hole of blame, youblame yourself, and then there
just becomes a time and it itcould be throw a dart at one of
the times.
Right, it really depends onyour own situation where it is
okay, I'm awake to what the heckis happening to me.
(12:01):
I know I'm not crazy.
How do I get myself out of it?
When?
Because that last, that lastquestion is when you start
putting together a strategicplan to get out right.
It could be as as minimal asI'm going to put the keys in my
purse and I'm going to have mypurse by the door and as soon as
they leave for work, I'mgrabbing it and going.
(12:23):
I'm not leaving any time.
It could be that minute.
It could be a much moredeveloped plan of I need to get
this from the bank account.
I need to do this.
I need to make sure my mom ormy friend or my sister or my
brother has these items.
I need to make sure X, y, z isin place before I do that.
So it can be a small safetyplan.
(12:44):
It can be an involved safetyplan.
It all depends on your ownsituation.
Right, your body will say OK,I'm done.
Cheryl Fischer (12:53):
You reach a certain point.
Tiffiny Newton (12:55):
Yeah, it's no longer am I at fault anymore.
You realize that it's not yourfault.
You have done absolutelyeverything humanly possible
because they tell it's yourfault.
They tell you it's your fault.
If you were to act like this,we would be fine.
If you were to do this, wewould be fine.
(13:15):
It got to the point where I saidI need to see a therapist.
I feel like I'm going crazy.
You know what, tiffany?
If you go see a therapist,you're wasting your money.
All they're going to tell youis to please your partner and
you'll be fine.
Wow, again, gaslighting, right,yeah, putting themselves in
that spot.
And when he said that, I waslike what?
(13:36):
I don't think that anyprofessional, because I've.
You know, I went throughtherapy after my divorce back in
2010.
And, having that experience,they're not going to just say
that like no.
So you start to wake up alittle bit.
Right, the fog kind of liftsfrom your.
It's like in the cartoons wherethe sun is here and the fog or
(13:59):
the clouds are across.
You just kind of see the light.
Right, it's kind of the foglifts from your brain and you
see that things are happeningthat you need to get out of that
.
You are now in a dangeroussituation.
Cheryl Fischer (14:13):
Yeah, and in your book I know you talked
about what happened to you andkind of how that became more
obvious to you.
Tiffiny Newton (14:20):
For sure, yeah, I don't know if this is PG-13 or
you know, r or X rated, youknow.
But yeah, there was a phrasesaid to me and I was like, oh no
, I'm done, I'm done.
Cheryl Fischer (14:33):
Yeah, well, and luckily in your case it was
before anything even worse couldhappen, and that, I know, is
not always the case for everyone.
I mean he was very careful.
Tiffiny Newton (14:44):
We lived on the beach, so I was in a bathing
suit, we were, you know, I wasin a bikini whenever we were on
the beach, so he had to be verycareful with with things.
He had punched me in my chest,he had cornered me into corners.
Like he's 6'2", like 240, bigdude, double my size.
All right, I'm five foot four.
(15:05):
So him like over me, bullybehavior, ripping things out of
my hands, throwing me to theground, trying to get into my
work computer that had healthprotected information, hipaa
information, because I worked ata medical facility.
Thankfully it was passwordprotected and he couldn't get in
.
He stretched those boundariesas far as he could go, wow.
(15:27):
But he grabbed my dog and I waslike put her down.
He's like see, if you were tostick up for me, like you're
sticking up for your dog, wewould be fine, like those are
the kind of things he would saywhy didn't you step in for me?
Why didn't you get that for me?
Why is it?
Is it you and me against themor are you against me, like
(15:48):
always using that manipulation?
Cheryl Fischer (15:50):
Yeah, which from the outside, doesn't make sense
, but from the inside, yeah, Isee that.
So then let's talk about.
I imagine that if you'relistening right now, you could
be thinking about this foryourself, or you could be
thinking about this for someonethat you know and wondering if
they're okay.
So tell us a little bit aboutsome things that we should watch
(16:15):
for, some red flags that wewant to really be aware of.
Tiffiny Newton (16:19):
I.
So one of the first in mytherapy session, one of the
questions that she asked mefirst is if you were to look
back on, what is the biggest redflag that stood out to you from
the very beginning.
So this one always takes.
The first stage is the lovebombing and the grooming.
So right after we starteddating was Valentine's Day.
(16:42):
So we started dating in Januaryand then, you know, within two
weeks is Valentine's Day.
So he got me like the sapphireand diamond bracelet, love
bombing, right.
And then which I thought wasthoughtful because my birthday
is in September, it's sapphire,right.
And then he was like let's goon a trip to Miami.
There's something that hewanted to do down there anyway.
So he's like let's go to Miami.
(17:03):
I'm like, oh, this is amazing.
Right, we get down there.
And he's like I want to takeyou shopping.
Let's buy you a pair of shoes.
He picks I'm like you pick outthe pair of shoes.
I have no extra need for anyadditional shoes at this point.
I'm not like a.
I like shoes, but I'm not thatgirl that has a bazillion pairs.
So he picks out the shoes.
We go to dinner.
(17:23):
He expects me to wear them atdinner, which I didn't expect,
and we're sitting at dinner andthis was kind of like the big
thing that was so revealingthrough my own therapy.
We're sitting at dinner.
It's a beautiful night in Miami.
We're on Lincoln road, which isall like cafes and restaurants.
It's like a walkable shoppingarea.
We're sitting there at dinner.
(17:44):
The wind is nice, it's a nicetemperature, it's February, it's
beautiful.
And I have like this smile onmy face, not like a teeth smile,
but like a pleasant, I'menjoying myself smile.
And he looks over at me and hegoes why are you not happy to be
here with me, dear?
I'm like what do you mean?
I like second guessed myself.
(18:06):
Like am I smiling?
Was I frowning?
Like what was on?
What was my face doing?
Was my brain not talking to myface?
Like I was second guessingmyself.
That was grooming 101.
Like saying something andexpecting me to react how he
wanted me to react, not how Iwas reacting.
Wow, okay so that was like fullon manipulation right there of
(18:31):
you know, I'm happy, I'm smiling.
So I then had to prove myselfto him that I was happy.
Right, you have that feeling ofwhat was my face doing.
Now I have to overly exaggeratebecause maybe my face and my
brain aren't talking to eachother.
I had no idea.
But that was the biggest thingfor me was the love bombing
(18:52):
early on and the grooming ofwhat I thought I was doing.
He said I wasn't doing so thegaslighting even in that, right.
Cheryl Fischer (19:00):
Right.
So when you say grooming, Iguess in general it's saying or
doing things to cause you toquestion that what you think or
your reaction is not the rightone, something like that.
Tiffiny Newton (19:16):
Grooming, as in if we're in a specific thing, he
expects me to act a certain way.
So he was trying to like funnelthat down.
Okay, right.
So if we were in the gym, I wasnot like he would like line
these things up.
Like.
If I was in the gym, I was notto even look up at a guy.
(19:37):
I had to, like, either look athim directly or down at the
ground.
Wow.
So he had expectations of how Iwas to behave and that's how he
, through little manipulations,devised it that way.
Right, if I looked somewhere,who are you looking at?
Why are you looking at them?
I'm right here.
(19:57):
Who else do you need to look at?
Are they more important than me?
Why are you not payingattention?
It just became likeconsequences to each thing that
he felt I was doing wrong,whether I was doing something
wrong or not.
Cheryl Fischer (20:09):
It didn't matter .
I'm just trying to think outloud now.
So, obviously, if we're in arelationship with someone and I
guess it's not necessarilyalways a romantic relationship
that we're talking about but wemight disappoint each other with
how we react to something, or,you know, we do something for
the other person.
We thought they would love it.
They don't love it, but whatyou're talking about is like a
(20:31):
step beyond that where you needto show the reaction that they
want you to right.
Tiffiny Newton (20:37):
It's not the five love languages, right.
It's like the five demonic lovelanguages, right.
It is a step beyond what I mean.
There's normal human behavior,right, and each person I was
brought up in you accept howother people are.
You may not agree with them,but that person is unique and
(21:00):
different and weird in their ownway and accept all the unique
and different and weird.
That's beautiful.
That's what makes each personso amazing, right, and you ask
questions and you get theirpoint of view.
You may not agree with it, butthen you have something to talk
about or debate on, like ahealthy debate, right.
But it is the step beyond.
(21:21):
I mean, even into the jealousyside.
There's normal jealousy andthen there is psycho jealousy of
I need access to your email.
I need access to all yoursocial media.
Why are you trying to date onLinkedIn Like all of the crazy?
He sent me to work several timeswithout my phone.
He even took my phone and brokeit in half once, just so I
(21:44):
wouldn't.
I couldn't respond to someone,even to the point of we went to
Charlotte to get dental workdone for him.
He had to go under anesthesiafor dental work.
The night before we were goingto his dentist.
He accused me of being inCharlotte for another reason to
see another guy, to the pointwhere I couldn't sleep and I
(22:05):
went into the bathroom to laydown on the floor.
I slept on the floor thatevening.
He walked in, stepped over meand pissed over my head into the
toilet.
Goodness, no, he hates womenlike my head into the toilet.
Cheryl Fischer (22:21):
Goodness, no, he , he hates women like hands down
, yeah, and and all of thesethings you're describing, I
guess the other key, as you said, is it doesn't happen right
away that he's insisting onbeing in your social media.
It's a, it's a small, it's aphased thing, right it?
Tiffiny Newton (22:35):
started off with why?
Why aren't we dating onFacebook yet?
Well, I like to keep thingsprivate until I'm pretty sure of
what's happening.
But he wanted to make sure, buthe didn't change his status.
He expected me to change mine,but he didn't change his status.
He expected me to put up apicture of him and I as my
profile picture, but he didn'tchange his picture.
(22:57):
Anytime I posted on Facebook.
He had a rule it always had tobe about us and how grateful I
was to be with him.
That's the only thing I couldpost about.
Yikes, yeah.
So the controlling behavior,all the monitoring.
If he left town on a trip forwork, he was in my social media,
in my email, hunting forsomething to yell at me about.
(23:22):
It was a hunting game, yeah,which I had nothing to hide,
right?
I never cheated.
I wasn't flirting with anyoneon the side, nothing.
So for me, I'm like, whatever,I'm an open book, right, I could
see that I don't care.
So for me, I'm like whatever I'man open book Right, I could see
that I don't care, but for himthat was something totally
different because he when heleft town he was cheating.
(23:44):
I found With a man.
He hired a man.
Cheryl Fischer (23:48):
Which is just mind blowing.
Tiffiny Newton (23:50):
I mean, and I have proof, so no one can ever
say oh, as he said, she said.
He even denied it.
When I showed him to his facehe was like that wasn't me.
I have proof.
A narcissist will totally lie,despite the proof you had yeah,
yeah, that's what I realizedthat I was dealing with a
different behavior of someone ohmy goodness, okay, I can laugh
(24:11):
about it now.
But don't get me wrong, likethat is why the title of my book
is what it is Right Behind thesmile, like I was dying inside
as I was finding this stuff out.
But he kept me so trauma bondedwith everything Surveillance
cameras everywhere, even when hewas out of town.
(24:33):
He was like watching me sleepto make sure I wasn't checking
my phone like crazy, crazy,crazy things.
But when I got to work I wasnothing but smiles.
Nothing's wrong at home,everything's good.
I was on the phone with myparents Everything's fine,
everything's good.
But it's kind of how you haveto be to protect.
That was a protection measure.
He was testing me so often Ihad to just pretend like nothing
(24:59):
was happening, which was awhole other issue, because then
you compartmentalize and you gopast it and you almost forget,
until you have to go back anddredge it up and say, no, this
is a part of all of this that Ineed to get out of.
Cheryl Fischer (25:09):
Yeah, and that that takes us in a really
important direction, because I'msure you are well in your case,
you were hiding it.
You were not wanting people tosee that, and I'm sure you're
right that that's very, verycommon.
And so I put the question outto my Patreon community and
(25:29):
asked them well, what would theyask you about this topic?
And Jill asked well, what wouldyou do if you do suspect that a
friend or someone in yourfamily is a victim?
How do you approach the topic?
Or maybe, if they're definitelynot open to talking about it,
(25:51):
how can you support them?
And that's a tricky thing.
And I wonder, now that we'retalking about this, I wonder if,
even if it's gotten to thepoint where people suspect it,
it must already be quite serious, because I'm guessing that most
people do try to hide this.
Yeah.
Tiffiny Newton (26:06):
Jill, thank you for your question.
I want to acknowledge that thatwas amazing that you thought of
other people in asking thisquestion and that is kind of the
direction of how I wrote mybook is because one of my
clients, her daughter, ended upin the hospital from abuse and
didn't know how to approach itbecause she kept getting
isolated.
(26:26):
And that's why I wrote the bookis for people who don't
understand everything involvedin domestic abuse and domestic
violence.
How can they learn more?
Number one, and then how canthey create an environment that
is safe for their friend, familymember, coworker, whoever it is
, that you become that safespace for them and when they're
(26:49):
ready they will come to youbecause you do feel safe.
So it's talking aboutboundaries.
What will you accept, whatwon't you accept?
Understanding the mutualrespect of people in
relationships right, and whatemotional safety is?
We're not talking about a fairytale, romance.
Those don't exist.
Romance novels don't exist inreal life.
(27:10):
You're not going to.
You may have like fireworkswith someone, but a lot of times
my own experience included thefireworks relationships are
typically the more dangerousones.
You want something that's moredependable and that may not
start with fireworks.
It may build to fireworks, andI've had a lot of discussions
(27:32):
with healthy relationshipcouples on that kind of thing.
But knowing that love doesn'tcontrol I mean that's in the
Bible, right, let's look to theBible even on that one.
Disagreements should never feeldangerous, never, never never,
never.
My parents were married for 48years before my mom passed away.
(27:52):
They would argue don't get mewrong, but that's healthy.
Sometimes, if you are theperson that keeps to yourself,
you will explode.
But there's a difference of anargument and danger.
Absolutely so, knowing whatthat looks like, knowing what
that feels like and being aloneis better than being broken,
(28:14):
because when you are in thesetypes of relationships, you are
broken.
You are a mirror that has beensmashed to pieces.
Don't get me wrong.
You're still beautiful, right,you can be put back together and
you can still be beautiful.
You'll be a total work of art,but you won't be that brand new,
fresh mirror.
(28:35):
And that was held against me andmy own relationship.
I want you to go back to theway you were.
I want this, I want that.
Well, I can't, because he'dalready done so much damage.
Right, yeah.
And then, to those that knowsomeone that they suspect is in
a situation, probably one of thebest things to say I noticed
(28:56):
that you haven't been feelingyourself or you haven't seemed
yourself lately.
Just know that whenever you'reready, I'm here to talk.
Oh, that's great, yeah, right,it's not threatening, it is not
bringing up abuse, there's noblame and it's not a dangerous
sentence that if they go back tothe abuser because you will,
(29:19):
four months into my relationship, someone said you're in an
abusive relationship and I saidno, I'm not and I told my abuser
.
Oh wow, that's what you do right, you're not recognizing it's
abuse in the early stages, right.
But other people can see it.
You can't because you're in thetornado, but saying you don't
seem like you're yourself lately, whenever you're ready, if you
want to talk, I'm here to helpyou.
(29:40):
Give them a hug, tell them youlove them.
You know, don't do that to acoworker if you're not that
close with them, but you canstill say I'm here for you if
you ever want to talk.
Yes, you don't have to bring upthe word abuse or violence or
anything like that.
You don't have to say any ofthat and it's non-threatening.
So even if they go back totheir abuser, all they're going
(30:02):
to say is apparently I seem likeI'm acting a little different
and that's not threatening,right, right.
Cheryl Fischer (30:07):
Because that could be anything.
Tiffiny Newton (30:09):
I agree, yeah, it could be stress from work, it
could be whatever right Stressfrom something, so it's.
Those are non threatening waysto just really help and
understand that that it is outthere.
It's way more prevalent thanthan we talked about, Because
even in the early stages of mewriting the book and me starting
(30:31):
my nonprofit to help domesticviolence you know, abused women
and children I asked people hey,if you know someone?
And one lady responded I don'tknow anyone who's going through
that.
One of our mutual friends wasgoing through it.
I knew for a fact because theyreached out to me.
People are dealing with thingsthat you for a fact because they
(30:52):
reached out to me.
People are dealing with thingsthat you have no idea because
they're embarrassed, they'refull of shame, they're full of
guilt and they don't want totalk about it.
They're not ready to talk aboutit.
So just being a safe space forthem is so important.
Cheryl Fischer (31:03):
Yeah, that's a great point and that principle
really extends even beyond thistopic, that people are always
going through something that wedon't know and they don't want
to tell us because they'reembarrassed or whatever it is
Always there's always a storybehind everything.
Tiffiny Newton (31:19):
Yeah, I mean children in school.
You know whether it's, andespecially now in and this is a
whole other rabbit hole.
But especially now in, likemiddle school and high school,
like when kids are gettingsexually active, strangulation
is very big in masturbation andsexual intercourse and it's all
over TikTok as five fingernecklace is talked about all
(31:42):
over the place.
It's so disturbing but that'snot normal.
Like that is a discussion youknow, along with the here are
the birds and the bees.
That is a discussion you know,along with the here are the
birds and the bees.
And then don't do this becausethis is dangerous.
Strangulation causes traumaticbrain injury.
Strangulation six to eightseconds.
If they're holding on for sixto eight seconds you can go
(32:02):
unconscious.
I mean, those are conversationsto have with young children of.
This is not normal.
You may see this and you'reprobably going to hear about it
at school because kids aretalking about it with
masturbation and sexual contact.
I've been on umpteen Zoom callsthat we've talked about it.
So, having that discussionearly on to not get yourself in
(32:23):
that kind of a situation becausesomeone, especially in an adult
relationship, if you've beenstrangled by your partner, you
are now 750% more likely to diefrom that partner.
Oh my gosh, it's a lot.
So it's a dangerous slope,because what if they hold on too
long?
And I actually put something onTikTok and a lady responded.
(32:44):
My sister-in-law died from this.
Someone held on too long and Iwould have to go look at it, but
both her and her sister in lawwere impacted.
Oh my gosh.
So it is a huge topic to getbehind and advocate the safety
of.
There's no safety instrangulation, right?
Cheryl Fischer (33:07):
And it does not have to be part of a healthy
relationship in any way.
Absolutely it is not a part ofa healthy relationship in any
way.
Absolutely it is not a part ofa healthy relationship.
Tiffiny Newton (33:13):
Yes, that's what I meant to say.
Cheryl Fischer (33:15):
It is not.
Tiffiny Newton (33:17):
It is not.
Cheryl Fischer (33:18):
Yes, very, thank you for fixing my words.
And again, I'm glad we'resmiling and laughing, but gosh,
this is a heavy issue and so I'mglad we're kind of bringing all
of it to light, for sure.
So, before I get to the what'sthe big thing people need to
remember, tell us how cansomebody who's listening connect
(33:41):
with you, learn more, find outabout what you're doing and all
of that?
Tiffiny Newton (33:45):
Yeah.
So if you're in the state ofFlorida, I have a nonprofit that
we do in-person self-defenseclasses at no cost you do have
to travel to us, but we bring incertified instructors.
We also have someone that talksabout the mental health aspect
of things and, when they'reavailable, we do bring in law
(34:05):
enforcement to ask specificquestions on, like, if 911 gets
called, who gets arrested, likethose important things that
typically cause people to bescared to call right.
They can also go to my authorwebsite, which is
tiffanynewtoncom.
You can find my book on Amazon.
You know any of the retailsites you can find me.
(34:27):
Reach out if you have questions.
Message me on social media, ms.
So Miss Tiffany Newton is mysocial media handle across
TikTok, instagram, facebook, etc.
If you're in a situation, don'thesitate to reach out.
I can at least point you in theright direction if you're in a
different state than I am.
Cheryl Fischer (34:44):
I appreciate that and I will make sure all
those links are in the shownotes so people can find them
easily.
This has been a greatdiscussion.
If somebody's been listeningand doing 10 things at the same
time, what is the one thing thatyou really, really want them to
remember from what we'retalking about today?
Tiffiny Newton (35:03):
Abuse thrives in silence.
So awareness is your superpower.
So if you're questioningwhether something in your
relationship is abuse, that'sthe answer.
You're already questioning it.
Trust your gut, speak up, askquestions, reach out.
The more we talk about it, themore we can protect each other.
Cheryl Fischer (35:24):
That's the biggest thing.
I love that and that's why Iwanted to do this episode.
For sure is, the more we talkabout it, the better.
I fully agree.
Yeah Well, tiffany, thank youso much for joining me.
This has really been a powerfuldiscussion.
Tiffiny Newton (35:40):
Yes, thank you.
Even if we change one person'slife, that means the most to me.
The more people that can becomeaware, the better.
I agree 100%.
Cheryl Fischer (35:47):
I want to pull a couple things out of what
Tiffany and I were just talkingabout.
I want to pull a couple thingsout of what Tiffany and I were
just talking about.
Number one having an argumentwith someone or having a
disagreement with someone doesnot mean it's an abuse situation
.
You heard her say that the keyis when you are able to solve
(36:09):
the argument respectfully, orwhen you say no to something and
the other person accepts yourno, accepts your boundary.
That's just a disagreementmodel for the next generation as
well the ability to argue, theability to disagree, the ability
(36:35):
to say no and it's going to beokay because respect is involved
.
This is not what we're talkingabout when we talk about abuse.
There's not respect, there'snot acceptance of a no, there's
further manipulation, and that'swhat you heard her saying.
Another thing that really stuckout to me is that there really
(36:59):
is never a situation in ahealthy relationship where you
will feel endangered or unsafeor fearful.
If you are in situations, oryou have seen someone in your
life in a situation where theywere afraid for their safety, in
(37:20):
that relationship there issomething wrong.
You can be mad as heck at theperson you're in a relationship
with and they can be mad as heckat you, and in a healthy
relationship, feeling fearfulfor your physical safety does
not come into it.
There's the line, and that waspowerful for me as well.
(37:47):
And then the third thing that Iwant to point out is that
Tiffany and I took thisdiscussion of how do we speak to
the next generation aboutrelationships, healthy
relationships, relationshipsafety.
You heard her briefly talkabout strangulation, which is
mind boggling to me.
We took that into a separatediscussion for midlife.
Pivot on the Patreon community.
(38:07):
So go to patreoncom slash mindyour midlife and you'll be able
to hear that extra discussion Ihad with her about how do we
talk about this with youngerwomen who we might have an
impact on whether it's daughtersor nieces or any younger group
of women that you might beimpacting in your life and
(38:31):
you'll want to hear that.
She made, as you would imagine,some great points there to keep
in mind.
So I'll see you in Patreon forthat.
Thank you for listening to thisepisode.
It really the more that webring this into the open and
make it okay for people who arein a situation they need to get
out of, to bring this into theopen and not feel embarrassed
(38:53):
and not feel like it's theirfault, the better, and make sure
you've hit the follow button.
This was a bonus episode thisweek and so, coming up on Friday
, we have another episodetalking about tapping.
And if you are going through astressful situation, if you are
going for a goal, if you aretrying to move past some
(39:23):
limiting beliefs or make adecision, tapping is an easy,
free way that you can helpyourself through that.
So I'll see you then's going onin your head and let's create
something amazing.
We're going to talk today about something that
is really, really important.
It's a heavier topic than whata lot of Mind your Midlife
episodes are about, and thereason we're talking about it is
that the actual act of talkingabout it and knowing what is
going on and understanding whatwe can do and what we can look
(00:25):
for is the key, is the key tosolving this, and what I'm
talking about is domestic abuse,and it might be physical abuse,
it might be mental, emotional,psychological.
It might be very obvious, itmight be very hidden.
The key is awareness, knowingwhat to look for, knowing how to
(00:52):
help, because that is a tricky,tricky thing, and you're going
to hear my guest and I talkabout that, so stick with me.
This is an important one.
Welcome to Mind your Midlife,your go-to resource for
confidence and success, onethought at a time.
Unlike most advice out there,we believe that simply telling
(01:14):
you to believe in yourself orchange your habits isn't enough
to wake up excited about life orfeel truly confident in your
body.
Each week, you'll gainactionable strategies and oh my
goodness, powerful insights tostop feeling stuck and start
loving your midlife.
This is the Mind your Midlifepodcast.
(01:35):
I am so grateful when it comesto this topic of domestic abuse,
that I have not been in asituation where I have had a
relationship where abuse wasinvolved.
I am so grateful for thatBecause you're going to hear
today, it's very, very common,and so the goal is to know what
(02:01):
to look for and know how to helpif someone who's important to
you in your life potentiallycould be in a situation like
this and know how to recognizethe signs that maybe this new
person that you met when youwent on the over 50 dating app
isn't actually all that theyseem.
(02:22):
We want to know what to lookfor and we want to know how to
help.
So today's guest is TiffanyNewton.
Six years ago, tiffany left anabusive relationship and she has
transformed that pain into herpurpose.
She's a life insurance broker.
(02:43):
Her purpose she's a lifeinsurance broker.
She's the founder of New TideConsulting LLC, and she's also
the president and co-founder ofIgnite Her Inc.
And one of the things you'llhear her talking about is that
she is getting certified toteach Brazilian Jiujitsu because
she is doing self-defenseclasses equipping women to
(03:07):
protect themselves.
She is actively a domesticviolence advocate and has served
on various response teams andtask forces.
Sharing her story she believeshelps others of us recognize the
signs of abuse, develop safeexit strategies and reclaim our
(03:28):
strength.
And I could not agree more andI really believe this is going
to be an important discussion.
So welcome, tiffany.
Thank you.
This is such an importantconversation to have, but it's
something that also, I guess,could be kind of overlooked or
certainly hidden.
(03:48):
Can you give us an idea of howbig of a problem domestic
violence is, how many women areaffected, how often it happens
and all those kind of basicpieces?
Tiffiny Newton (03:58):
Being raised up and in most women this is
potentially the case.
I'm not going to speak onbehalf of all women, but so many
of us are like, raised on thenurturing side, we're handed
dolls and you know the femininethings.
So speaking up to protectourselves isn't what we were
brought up saying and speakingout Right.
(04:21):
So you know framing it in thatway.
I don't think the reportednumbers are true numbers because
there are so many that don'tget reported and these numbers
are just the reported.
It's reported that one in threewomen will experience some form
(04:42):
of domestic violence ordomestic abuse in their lifetime
.
Wow, and that's only reported,one in three.
And abuse isn't.
You know, as you and I've talked, abuse isn't just broken bones
and black eyes and bruises.
It's all encompassing of fearand control and manipulation,
and that it happens in everycommunity.
(05:04):
It doesn't matter the incomelevel, it doesn't matter the
race, it doesn't matter thegender, every background, every
income level.
It encompasses all of it.
And the craziest thing is thatmost victims, when it starts,
most victims, don't even realizeit's abuse, especially when
(05:26):
it's emotional or psychological,because it starts out so little
, right it's.
They're chipping away like youwould whittle something in wood,
right, you don't hack it.
If you're trying to be delicateand chip away at something, you
do small little movements andthat's kind of how it all begins
(05:47):
.
That's why I even got into, youknow, talking about all of this
, because all of those are darkcorners.
It it's embarrassing, it bringsup guilt and shame, and I want
to be able to help womenrecognize those signs so they
can protect themselves before itescalates.
Get out before it escalates,protect yourself.
Cheryl Fischer (06:10):
And so we're used to talking about this, I
think, with regards to physicalabuse, which we can certainly
talk about, but you point outthat there is also emotional and
there's also psychological.
Point out that there is alsoemotional and there's also
psychological, and so can youtalk us through what those are
and the differences between them?
(06:32):
I guess Sure.
Tiffiny Newton (06:33):
I mean physical.
I mean that's what we all areaccustomed to, right?
We don't think it's abuse ifit's not physical, right?
So that's easy.
Hitting, strangulation,slapping, restraining,
kidnapping, I mean all of thatkind of falls into that category
.
Emotional abuse is way morequiet.
(06:54):
You don't really know what'shappening.
Constant criticism oh, you'regoing to wear that.
Why are you getting moredressed up for work than you do
with?
You know, for me, gaslighting?
No, that never happened.
That wasn't me.
Why are you?
Why are you taking that so outof context?
You're, you know, you're,you're crazy.
(07:16):
Isolation of you know, oh, theydon't have the best, their best
interest in you.
Or if you do, go out withfriends.
Or, in my case, I went to goget my haircut and he was
blowing up my phone while I wasgetting my haircut because he
didn't want me getting myhaircut.
So he found a hairdresser thatwould come to the house and do
my hair.
(07:36):
Wow, so isolation, right.
And it chips away at yourself-worth.
It's actually like a falsesense of self-worth because you
think it's getting built upbecause, oh, I have your best
interest at heart.
I'm going to do somethingspecial for you.
I'm going to send you to thespa, I'm going to bring someone
(07:57):
here to do your hair.
See, I care about you, right?
So they're elevating your senseof self-worth and you feel so
important to them, but they'restripping it away.
It's like the magic trick of,you know, whipping out the
tablecloth out from underneaththe dining set, right?
So that is you know.
(08:19):
You just feel so special, notrealizing, and there's a quote
I'll tell you kind of as we wrapup, that really impacted me.
It hit me really hard when Irealized this.
But you just feel so special,but you don't realize, you're
not, you're not, you're gettinggroomed, you're not.
It's not actually a specialfeeling, it's another feeling
(08:40):
that you should be listening to,but it's not you feeling
special.
And then, of course, thepsychological is about the
control and fear, right, thethreats, the stalking, the I
need to see your phone I who areyou cheating with, destroying
personal property?
He took things of mine andthrew them on the ground while I
(09:00):
was gone at work and I wouldcome home to things broken.
I don't know.
You must've done that when youmove the towel off the counter,
or like blaming things again,gaslighting, going back to
gaslighting.
And then, of course, like I wasmentioning, you can utilize the
legal system for thepsychological side of it, Right,
but it's all.
All the psychological stuff isdesigned to make you feel
(09:22):
powerless, right, but they couldall overlap and that's very,
it's a very dangerous recipe.
Cheryl Fischer (09:29):
It really sort of clarified for me when you
said that the person in thissituation may feel like, wow,
this person really is so into meand that's very validating, or
I'm struggling for exactly theright word.
It feels good maybe to think,wow, this person is it's like
(09:49):
you're on your honeymoon.
Yeah, they're so focused on me,they're so into me.
I can see how that would be atrap for sure.
Tiffiny Newton (09:57):
Yeah, I mean that becomes the trauma bond.
So you feel so like, wow, thisis an amazing feeling.
But you don't realize what thatfeeling is.
Right, it's actually your guttelling you to get the hell out
of Dodge, but you feel likeyou're so wrapped up in like
this amazing, like attractionand this chemistry and this
(10:19):
honeymoon tornado of whatthey're dragging you through
until it's too late, Like ifthat trauma bond gets stronger
and stronger with each day thatthey say something to you or
chip away or build you up.
You are just holding on forthat hope to get back to the
person that you met when youfirst met them.
Cheryl Fischer (10:42):
And I know in your situation, there was
something that kind of flippedthe switch for you and you
realized that you needed to getout.
Is that a common part of thestory for someone who's escaped
from this or recovered from this?
Tiffiny Newton (10:58):
I think you're so.
On average it takes seven toeight times, and some places say
seven, some say eight.
So I'll just say it's kind ofright smack in the middle.
So maybe 7.5, right.
But it really does takemultiple times to leave that
person because that trauma bondis so strong and the feeling of
(11:19):
hope that you're holding on towhen they'll be good to you
again is super strong.
That's when hope becomesdangerous.
The first time you leave, oh,maybe I overreacted.
Right, they're telling youyou're overreacting.
Maybe I looked at this wrong.
Maybe I need to look at it fromtheir point of view.
Maybe I was doing this wrong.
Maybe it is my fault.
(11:40):
You go down this rabbit hole ofblame, fault, like you go down
this rabbit hole of blame, youblame yourself, and then there
just becomes a time and it itcould be throw a dart at one of
the times.
Right, it really depends onyour own situation where it is
okay, I'm awake to what the heckis happening to me.
(12:01):
I know I'm not crazy.
How do I get myself out of it?
When?
Because that last, that lastquestion is when you start
putting together a strategicplan to get out right.
It could be as as minimal asI'm going to put the keys in my
purse and I'm going to have mypurse by the door and as soon as
they leave for work, I'mgrabbing it and going.
(12:23):
I'm not leaving any time.
It could be that minute.
It could be a much moredeveloped plan of I need to get
this from the bank account.
I need to do this.
I need to make sure my mom ormy friend or my sister or my
brother has these items.
I need to make sure X, y, z isin place before I do that.
So it can be a small safetyplan.
(12:44):
It can be an involved safetyplan.
It all depends on your ownsituation.
Right, your body will say OK,I'm done.
Cheryl Fischer (12:53):
You reach a certain point.
Tiffiny Newton (12:55):
Yeah, it's no longer am I at fault anymore.
You realize that it's not yourfault.
You have done absolutelyeverything humanly possible
because they tell it's yourfault.
They tell you it's your fault.
If you were to act like this,we would be fine.
If you were to do this, wewould be fine.
(13:15):
It got to the point where I saidI need to see a therapist.
I feel like I'm going crazy.
You know what, tiffany?
If you go see a therapist,you're wasting your money.
All they're going to tell youis to please your partner and
you'll be fine.
Wow, again, gaslighting, right,yeah, putting themselves in
that spot.
And when he said that, I waslike what?
(13:36):
I don't think that anyprofessional, because I've.
You know, I went throughtherapy after my divorce back in
2010.
And, having that experience,they're not going to just say
that like no.
So you start to wake up alittle bit.
Right, the fog kind of liftsfrom your.
It's like in the cartoons wherethe sun is here and the fog or
(13:59):
the clouds are across.
You just kind of see the light.
Right, it's kind of the foglifts from your brain and you
see that things are happeningthat you need to get out of that
.
You are now in a dangeroussituation.
Cheryl Fischer (14:13):
Yeah, and in your book I know you talked
about what happened to you andkind of how that became more
obvious to you.
Tiffiny Newton (14:20):
For sure, yeah, I don't know if this is PG-13 or
you know, r or X rated, youknow.
But yeah, there was a phrasesaid to me and I was like, oh no
, I'm done, I'm done.
Cheryl Fischer (14:33):
Yeah, well, and luckily in your case it was
before anything even worse couldhappen, and that, I know, is
not always the case for everyone.
I mean he was very careful.
Tiffiny Newton (14:44):
We lived on the beach, so I was in a bathing
suit, we were, you know, I wasin a bikini whenever we were on
the beach, so he had to be verycareful with with things.
He had punched me in my chest,he had cornered me into corners.
Like he's 6'2", like 240, bigdude, double my size.
All right, I'm five foot four.
(15:05):
So him like over me, bullybehavior, ripping things out of
my hands, throwing me to theground, trying to get into my
work computer that had healthprotected information, hipaa
information, because I worked ata medical facility.
Thankfully it was passwordprotected and he couldn't get in
.
He stretched those boundariesas far as he could go, wow.
(15:27):
But he grabbed my dog and I waslike put her down.
He's like see, if you were tostick up for me, like you're
sticking up for your dog, wewould be fine, like those are
the kind of things he would saywhy didn't you step in for me?
Why didn't you get that for me?
Why is it?
Is it you and me against themor are you against me, like
(15:48):
always using that manipulation?
Cheryl Fischer (15:50):
Yeah, which from the outside, doesn't make sense
, but from the inside, yeah, Isee that.
So then let's talk about.
I imagine that if you'relistening right now, you could
be thinking about this foryourself, or you could be
thinking about this for someonethat you know and wondering if
they're okay.
So tell us a little bit aboutsome things that we should watch
(16:15):
for, some red flags that wewant to really be aware of.
Tiffiny Newton (16:19):
I.
So one of the first in mytherapy session, one of the
questions that she asked mefirst is if you were to look
back on, what is the biggest redflag that stood out to you from
the very beginning.
So this one always takes.
The first stage is the lovebombing and the grooming.
So right after we starteddating was Valentine's Day.
(16:42):
So we started dating in Januaryand then, you know, within two
weeks is Valentine's Day.
So he got me like the sapphireand diamond bracelet, love
bombing, right.
And then which I thought wasthoughtful because my birthday
is in September, it's sapphire,right.
And then he was like let's goon a trip to Miami.
There's something that hewanted to do down there anyway.
So he's like let's go to Miami.
(17:03):
I'm like, oh, this is amazing.
Right, we get down there.
And he's like I want to takeyou shopping.
Let's buy you a pair of shoes.
He picks I'm like you pick outthe pair of shoes.
I have no extra need for anyadditional shoes at this point.
I'm not like a.
I like shoes, but I'm not thatgirl that has a bazillion pairs.
So he picks out the shoes.
We go to dinner.
(17:23):
He expects me to wear them atdinner, which I didn't expect,
and we're sitting at dinner andthis was kind of like the big
thing that was so revealingthrough my own therapy.
We're sitting at dinner.
It's a beautiful night in Miami.
We're on Lincoln road, which isall like cafes and restaurants.
It's like a walkable shoppingarea.
We're sitting there at dinner.
(17:44):
The wind is nice, it's a nicetemperature, it's February, it's
beautiful.
And I have like this smile onmy face, not like a teeth smile,
but like a pleasant, I'menjoying myself smile.
And he looks over at me and hegoes why are you not happy to be
here with me, dear?
I'm like what do you mean?
I like second guessed myself.
(18:06):
Like am I smiling?
Was I frowning?
Like what was on?
What was my face doing?
Was my brain not talking to myface?
Like I was second guessingmyself.
That was grooming 101.
Like saying something andexpecting me to react how he
wanted me to react, not how Iwas reacting.
Wow, okay so that was like fullon manipulation right there of
(18:31):
you know, I'm happy, I'm smiling.
So I then had to prove myselfto him that I was happy.
Right, you have that feeling ofwhat was my face doing.
Now I have to overly exaggeratebecause maybe my face and my
brain aren't talking to eachother.
I had no idea.
But that was the biggest thingfor me was the love bombing
(18:52):
early on and the grooming ofwhat I thought I was doing.
He said I wasn't doing so thegaslighting even in that, right.
Cheryl Fischer (19:00):
Right.
So when you say grooming, Iguess in general it's saying or
doing things to cause you toquestion that what you think or
your reaction is not the rightone, something like that.
Tiffiny Newton (19:16):
Grooming, as in if we're in a specific thing, he
expects me to act a certain way.
So he was trying to like funnelthat down.
Okay, right.
So if we were in the gym, I wasnot like he would like line
these things up.
Like.
If I was in the gym, I was notto even look up at a guy.
(19:37):
I had to, like, either look athim directly or down at the
ground.
Wow.
So he had expectations of how Iwas to behave and that's how he
, through little manipulations,devised it that way.
Right, if I looked somewhere,who are you looking at?
Why are you looking at them?
I'm right here.
(19:57):
Who else do you need to look at?
Are they more important than me?
Why are you not payingattention?
It just became likeconsequences to each thing that
he felt I was doing wrong,whether I was doing something
wrong or not.
Cheryl Fischer (20:09):
It didn't matter .
I'm just trying to think outloud now.
So, obviously, if we're in arelationship with someone and I
guess it's not necessarilyalways a romantic relationship
that we're talking about but wemight disappoint each other with
how we react to something, or,you know, we do something for
the other person.
We thought they would love it.
They don't love it, but whatyou're talking about is like a
(20:31):
step beyond that where you needto show the reaction that they
want you to right.
Tiffiny Newton (20:37):
It's not the five love languages, right.
It's like the five demonic lovelanguages, right.
It is a step beyond what I mean.
There's normal human behavior,right, and each person I was
brought up in you accept howother people are.
You may not agree with them,but that person is unique and
(21:00):
different and weird in their ownway and accept all the unique
and different and weird.
That's beautiful.
That's what makes each personso amazing, right, and you ask
questions and you get theirpoint of view.
You may not agree with it, butthen you have something to talk
about or debate on, like ahealthy debate, right.
But it is the step beyond.
(21:21):
I mean, even into the jealousyside.
There's normal jealousy andthen there is psycho jealousy of
I need access to your email.
I need access to all yoursocial media.
Why are you trying to date onLinkedIn Like all of the crazy?
He sent me to work several timeswithout my phone.
He even took my phone and brokeit in half once, just so I
(21:44):
wouldn't.
I couldn't respond to someone,even to the point of we went to
Charlotte to get dental workdone for him.
He had to go under anesthesiafor dental work.
The night before we were goingto his dentist.
He accused me of being inCharlotte for another reason to
see another guy, to the pointwhere I couldn't sleep and I
(22:05):
went into the bathroom to laydown on the floor.
I slept on the floor thatevening.
He walked in, stepped over meand pissed over my head into the
toilet.
Goodness, no, he hates womenlike my head into the toilet.
Cheryl Fischer (22:21):
Goodness, no, he , he hates women like hands down
, yeah, and and all of thesethings you're describing, I
guess the other key, as you said, is it doesn't happen right
away that he's insisting onbeing in your social media.
It's a, it's a small, it's aphased thing, right it?
Tiffiny Newton (22:35):
started off with why?
Why aren't we dating onFacebook yet?
Well, I like to keep thingsprivate until I'm pretty sure of
what's happening.
But he wanted to make sure, buthe didn't change his status.
He expected me to change mine,but he didn't change his status.
He expected me to put up apicture of him and I as my
profile picture, but he didn'tchange his picture.
(22:57):
Anytime I posted on Facebook.
He had a rule it always had tobe about us and how grateful I
was to be with him.
That's the only thing I couldpost about.
Yikes, yeah.
So the controlling behavior,all the monitoring.
If he left town on a trip forwork, he was in my social media,
in my email, hunting forsomething to yell at me about.
(23:22):
It was a hunting game, yeah,which I had nothing to hide,
right?
I never cheated.
I wasn't flirting with anyoneon the side, nothing.
So for me, I'm like, whatever,I'm an open book, right, I could
see that I don't care.
So for me, I'm like whatever I'man open book Right, I could see
that I don't care, but for himthat was something totally
different because he when heleft town he was cheating.
(23:44):
I found With a man.
He hired a man.
Cheryl Fischer (23:48):
Which is just mind blowing.
Tiffiny Newton (23:50):
I mean, and I have proof, so no one can ever
say oh, as he said, she said.
He even denied it.
When I showed him to his facehe was like that wasn't me.
I have proof.
A narcissist will totally lie,despite the proof you had yeah,
yeah, that's what I realizedthat I was dealing with a
different behavior of someone ohmy goodness, okay, I can laugh
(24:11):
about it now.
But don't get me wrong, likethat is why the title of my book
is what it is Right Behind thesmile, like I was dying inside
as I was finding this stuff out.
But he kept me so trauma bondedwith everything Surveillance
cameras everywhere, even when hewas out of town.
(24:33):
He was like watching me sleepto make sure I wasn't checking
my phone like crazy, crazy,crazy things.
But when I got to work I wasnothing but smiles.
Nothing's wrong at home,everything's good.
I was on the phone with myparents Everything's fine,
everything's good.
But it's kind of how you haveto be to protect.
That was a protection measure.
He was testing me so often Ihad to just pretend like nothing
(24:59):
was happening, which was awhole other issue, because then
you compartmentalize and you gopast it and you almost forget,
until you have to go back anddredge it up and say, no, this
is a part of all of this that Ineed to get out of.
Cheryl Fischer (25:09):
Yeah, and that that takes us in a really
important direction, because I'msure you are well in your case,
you were hiding it.
You were not wanting people tosee that, and I'm sure you're
right that that's very, verycommon.
And so I put the question outto my Patreon community and
(25:29):
asked them well, what would theyask you about this topic?
And Jill asked well, what wouldyou do if you do suspect that a
friend or someone in yourfamily is a victim?
How do you approach the topic?
Or maybe, if they're definitelynot open to talking about it,
(25:51):
how can you support them?
And that's a tricky thing.
And I wonder, now that we'retalking about this, I wonder if,
even if it's gotten to thepoint where people suspect it,
it must already be quite serious, because I'm guessing that most
people do try to hide this.
Yeah.
Tiffiny Newton (26:06):
Jill, thank you for your question.
I want to acknowledge that thatwas amazing that you thought of
other people in asking thisquestion and that is kind of the
direction of how I wrote mybook is because one of my
clients, her daughter, ended upin the hospital from abuse and
didn't know how to approach itbecause she kept getting
isolated.
(26:26):
And that's why I wrote the bookis for people who don't
understand everything involvedin domestic abuse and domestic
violence.
How can they learn more?
Number one, and then how canthey create an environment that
is safe for their friend, familymember, coworker, whoever it is
, that you become that safespace for them and when they're
(26:49):
ready they will come to youbecause you do feel safe.
So it's talking aboutboundaries.
What will you accept, whatwon't you accept?
Understanding the mutualrespect of people in
relationships right, and whatemotional safety is?
We're not talking about a fairytale, romance.
Those don't exist.
Romance novels don't exist inreal life.
(27:10):
You're not going to.
You may have like fireworkswith someone, but a lot of times
my own experience included thefireworks relationships are
typically the more dangerousones.
You want something that's moredependable and that may not
start with fireworks.
It may build to fireworks, andI've had a lot of discussions
(27:32):
with healthy relationshipcouples on that kind of thing.
But knowing that love doesn'tcontrol I mean that's in the
Bible, right, let's look to theBible even on that one.
Disagreements should never feeldangerous, never, never never,
never.
My parents were married for 48years before my mom passed away.
(27:52):
They would argue don't get mewrong, but that's healthy.
Sometimes, if you are theperson that keeps to yourself,
you will explode.
But there's a difference of anargument and danger.
Absolutely so, knowing whatthat looks like, knowing what
that feels like and being aloneis better than being broken,
(28:14):
because when you are in thesetypes of relationships, you are
broken.
You are a mirror that has beensmashed to pieces.
Don't get me wrong.
You're still beautiful, right,you can be put back together and
you can still be beautiful.
You'll be a total work of art,but you won't be that brand new,
fresh mirror.
(28:35):
And that was held against me andmy own relationship.
I want you to go back to theway you were.
I want this, I want that.
Well, I can't, because he'dalready done so much damage.
Right, yeah.
And then, to those that knowsomeone that they suspect is in
a situation, probably one of thebest things to say I noticed
(28:56):
that you haven't been feelingyourself or you haven't seemed
yourself lately.
Just know that whenever you'reready, I'm here to talk.
Oh, that's great, yeah, right,it's not threatening, it is not
bringing up abuse, there's noblame and it's not a dangerous
sentence that if they go back tothe abuser because you will,
(29:19):
four months into my relationship, someone said you're in an
abusive relationship and I saidno, I'm not and I told my abuser
.
Oh wow, that's what you do right, you're not recognizing it's
abuse in the early stages, right.
But other people can see it.
You can't because you're in thetornado, but saying you don't
seem like you're yourself lately, whenever you're ready, if you
want to talk, I'm here to helpyou.
(29:40):
Give them a hug, tell them youlove them.
You know, don't do that to acoworker if you're not that
close with them, but you canstill say I'm here for you if
you ever want to talk.
Yes, you don't have to bring upthe word abuse or violence or
anything like that.
You don't have to say any ofthat and it's non-threatening.
So even if they go back totheir abuser, all they're going
(30:02):
to say is apparently I seem likeI'm acting a little different
and that's not threatening,right, right.
Cheryl Fischer (30:07):
Because that could be anything.
Tiffiny Newton (30:09):
I agree, yeah, it could be stress from work, it
could be whatever right Stressfrom something, so it's.
Those are non threatening waysto just really help and
understand that that it is outthere.
It's way more prevalent thanthan we talked about, Because
even in the early stages of mewriting the book and me starting
(30:31):
my nonprofit to help domesticviolence you know, abused women
and children I asked people hey,if you know someone?
And one lady responded I don'tknow anyone who's going through
that.
One of our mutual friends wasgoing through it.
I knew for a fact because theyreached out to me.
People are dealing with thingsthat you for a fact because they
(30:52):
reached out to me.
People are dealing with thingsthat you have no idea because
they're embarrassed, they'refull of shame, they're full of
guilt and they don't want totalk about it.
They're not ready to talk aboutit.
So just being a safe space forthem is so important.
Cheryl Fischer (31:03):
Yeah, that's a great point and that principle
really extends even beyond thistopic, that people are always
going through something that wedon't know and they don't want
to tell us because they'reembarrassed or whatever it is
Always there's always a storybehind everything.
Tiffiny Newton (31:19):
Yeah, I mean children in school.
You know whether it's, andespecially now in and this is a
whole other rabbit hole.
But especially now in, likemiddle school and high school,
like when kids are gettingsexually active, strangulation
is very big in masturbation andsexual intercourse and it's all
over TikTok as five fingernecklace is talked about all
(31:42):
over the place.
It's so disturbing but that'snot normal.
Like that is a discussion youknow, along with the here are
the birds and the bees.
That is a discussion you know,along with the here are the
birds and the bees.
And then don't do this becausethis is dangerous.
Strangulation causes traumaticbrain injury.
Strangulation six to eightseconds.
If they're holding on for sixto eight seconds you can go
(32:02):
unconscious.
I mean, those are conversationsto have with young children of.
This is not normal.
You may see this and you'reprobably going to hear about it
at school because kids aretalking about it with
masturbation and sexual contact.
I've been on umpteen Zoom callsthat we've talked about it.
So, having that discussionearly on to not get yourself in
(32:23):
that kind of a situation becausesomeone, especially in an adult
relationship, if you've beenstrangled by your partner, you
are now 750% more likely to diefrom that partner.
Oh my gosh, it's a lot.
So it's a dangerous slope,because what if they hold on too
long?
And I actually put something onTikTok and a lady responded.
(32:44):
My sister-in-law died from this.
Someone held on too long and Iwould have to go look at it, but
both her and her sister in lawwere impacted.
Oh my gosh.
So it is a huge topic to getbehind and advocate the safety
of.
There's no safety instrangulation, right?
Cheryl Fischer (33:07):
And it does not have to be part of a healthy
relationship in any way.
Absolutely it is not a part ofa healthy relationship in any
way.
Absolutely it is not a part ofa healthy relationship.
Tiffiny Newton (33:13):
Yes, that's what I meant to say.
Cheryl Fischer (33:15):
It is not.
Tiffiny Newton (33:17):
It is not.
Cheryl Fischer (33:18):
Yes, very, thank you for fixing my words.
And again, I'm glad we'resmiling and laughing, but gosh,
this is a heavy issue and so I'mglad we're kind of bringing all
of it to light, for sure.
So, before I get to the what'sthe big thing people need to
remember, tell us how cansomebody who's listening connect
(33:41):
with you, learn more, find outabout what you're doing and all
of that?
Tiffiny Newton (33:45):
Yeah.
So if you're in the state ofFlorida, I have a nonprofit that
we do in-person self-defenseclasses at no cost you do have
to travel to us, but we bring incertified instructors.
We also have someone that talksabout the mental health aspect
of things and, when they'reavailable, we do bring in law
(34:05):
enforcement to ask specificquestions on, like, if 911 gets
called, who gets arrested, likethose important things that
typically cause people to bescared to call right.
They can also go to my authorwebsite, which is
tiffanynewtoncom.
You can find my book on Amazon.
You know any of the retailsites you can find me.
(34:27):
Reach out if you have questions.
Message me on social media, ms.
So Miss Tiffany Newton is mysocial media handle across
TikTok, instagram, facebook, etc.
If you're in a situation, don'thesitate to reach out.
I can at least point you in theright direction if you're in a
different state than I am.
Cheryl Fischer (34:44):
I appreciate that and I will make sure all
those links are in the shownotes so people can find them
easily.
This has been a greatdiscussion.
If somebody's been listeningand doing 10 things at the same
time, what is the one thing thatyou really, really want them to
remember from what we'retalking about today?
Tiffiny Newton (35:03):
Abuse thrives in silence.
So awareness is your superpower.
So if you're questioningwhether something in your
relationship is abuse, that'sthe answer.
You're already questioning it.
Trust your gut, speak up, askquestions, reach out.
The more we talk about it, themore we can protect each other.
Cheryl Fischer (35:24):
That's the biggest thing.
I love that and that's why Iwanted to do this episode.
For sure is, the more we talkabout it, the better.
I fully agree.
Yeah Well, tiffany, thank youso much for joining me.
This has really been a powerfuldiscussion.
Tiffiny Newton (35:40):
Yes, thank you.
Even if we change one person'slife, that means the most to me.
The more people that can becomeaware, the better.
I agree 100%.
Cheryl Fischer (35:47):
I want to pull a couple things out of what
Tiffany and I were just talkingabout.
I want to pull a couple thingsout of what Tiffany and I were
just talking about.
Number one having an argumentwith someone or having a
disagreement with someone doesnot mean it's an abuse situation
.
You heard her say that the keyis when you are able to solve
(36:09):
the argument respectfully, orwhen you say no to something and
the other person accepts yourno, accepts your boundary.
That's just a disagreementmodel for the next generation as
well the ability to argue, theability to disagree, the ability
(36:35):
to say no and it's going to beokay because respect is involved
.
This is not what we're talkingabout when we talk about abuse.
There's not respect, there'snot acceptance of a no, there's
further manipulation, and that'swhat you heard her saying.
Another thing that really stuckout to me is that there really
(36:59):
is never a situation in ahealthy relationship where you
will feel endangered or unsafeor fearful.
If you are in situations, oryou have seen someone in your
life in a situation where theywere afraid for their safety, in
(37:20):
that relationship there issomething wrong.
You can be mad as heck at theperson you're in a relationship
with and they can be mad as heckat you, and in a healthy
relationship, feeling fearfulfor your physical safety does
not come into it.
There's the line, and that waspowerful for me as well.
(37:47):
And then the third thing that Iwant to point out is that
Tiffany and I took thisdiscussion of how do we speak to
the next generation aboutrelationships, healthy
relationships, relationshipsafety.
You heard her briefly talkabout strangulation, which is
mind boggling to me.
We took that into a separatediscussion for midlife.
Pivot on the Patreon community.
(38:07):
So go to patreoncom slash mindyour midlife and you'll be able
to hear that extra discussion Ihad with her about how do we
talk about this with youngerwomen who we might have an
impact on whether it's daughtersor nieces or any younger group
of women that you might beimpacting in your life and
(38:31):
you'll want to hear that.
She made, as you would imagine,some great points there to keep
in mind.
So I'll see you in Patreon forthat.
Thank you for listening to thisepisode.
It really the more that webring this into the open and
make it okay for people who arein a situation they need to get
out of, to bring this into theopen and not feel embarrassed
(38:53):
and not feel like it's theirfault, the better, and make sure
you've hit the follow button.
This was a bonus episode thisweek and so, coming up on Friday
, we have another episodetalking about tapping.
And if you are going through astressful situation, if you are
going for a goal, if you aretrying to move past some
(39:23):
limiting beliefs or make adecision, tapping is an easy,
free way that you can helpyourself through that.
So I'll see you then's going onin your head and let's create
something amazing.
Popular Podcasts
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
The Joe Rogan Experience
The official podcast of comedian Joe Rogan.
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.