October 24, 2025 • 24 mins
One of the biggest challenges we face in our 40s and 50s is knowing what feels right—and letting go of what doesn’t. In this episode, Cheryl breaks down the idea of “resonance”—why it matters, why it’s not woo-woo, and how it can guide your decisions about work, relationships, habits, and life in general.
You’ll learn how to recognize when something no longer fits, how your body and brain signal alignment or dissonance, and what steps you can take to move toward a life that truly resonates with you.
AFTER LISTENING TO THIS EPISODE, YOU'LL KNOW:
- Why making choices that resonate with you is not “woo-woo,” it’s science.
- How your nervous system and subconscious brain influence the decisions you make and how you feel about them.
- Practical ways to notice dissonance in your life without judgment or self-blame.
- Why staying in situations that don’t align drains your energy and increases the risk of burnout.
Your subconscious beliefs can limit your ability to achieve goals if they don’t match your self-image—think of it like a thermostat for success.
Recognizing and responding to dissonance doesn’t mean failure—it means your life or situation has changed, and it’s time to make intentional adjustments.
TAKE ACTION:
- Notice, listen, and reset using the tips shared in this episode.
- Grab the Story Cycle resource at cherylpfischer.com/storycycle.
- Explore coaching with Cheryl: cherylpfischer.com/coaching
- Subscribe to the Mindset Deep Dive: cherylpfischer.com/bonusepisodes
- Listen to the episodes on tapping and breathwork
Midlife is your time to take even a little bit better care of yourself—on the inside and the outside. Small shifts, mindful choices, and aligning with what resonates can make a huge difference.
Text me to ask a question - I'll answer on the podcast!
Subscribe to receive bonus episodes at cherylpfischer.com/bonusepisodes.
🌸 Liked this episode? Share it with fellow Gen X women navigating hormone balance, an empty nest, and/or self-confidence!
🫶 Love this show? Leave a review to help more women over 50 find us.
💡Want support through menopause, mindset shifts, or midlife transitions?
- Join the collective by subscribing on Patreon or grab the bonus episodes!
- Book a free Mindset Coaching / Intro Call: cherylpfischer.com/coaching
Let’s talk midlife body positivity, self-talk, and redefining aging for women — without the “midlife crisis” narrative.
Connect with Cheryl, Midlife Coach: Instagram | LinkedIn | Website
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Cheryl Fischer (00:00):
One of the sticking points that I hit on
quite regularly with coachingclients is I don't want to do or
try or talk about any of thatwoo-woo stuff.
You want sound advice, youdon't want woo-woo stuff.
Well, we have to talk aboutwhat that means.
(00:20):
Because in midlife, it isreally important that you make
decisions that you resonatewith.
And that is not woo-woo stuff.
And I'm gonna tell you why notand exactly what to do.
So let's talk about it.
Welcome to Mind Your Midlife,your go-to resource for
(00:41):
confidence and success, onethought at a time.
Unlike most advice out there,we believe that simply telling
you to believe in yourself orchange your habits isn't enough
to wake up excited about life orfeel truly confident in your
body.
Each week, you'll gainactionable strategies and, oh my
(01:02):
goodness, powerful insights tostop feeling stuck and start
loving your midlife.
This is the Mind Your Midlifepodcast.
I think there are so manydifferent reasons why we might
hit our mid-40s into our 50s,maybe early 60s, and start
(01:22):
reevaluating things in our life.
And it's going to be differentfor everyone, right?
I can't necessarily just saythis is the case for everyone.
But you may have kids that areout of the house, and so you're
not seeing them every singleday, and it gives you this weird
(01:44):
vacuum of time that you don'tknow what to do with.
You may be starting to thinkahead towards retirement and
wondering about that.
You may have had a relationshipchange, you may be frustrated
about things going on with yourbody.
You get the point.
There's so much change.
Parents, too, right?
Aging parents, there's so muchchange happening during this
(02:04):
period of time.
And that change often comeswith a little extra time to
ruminate or obsess over, to sayit in a less healthy way, things
going on in our lives.
And so we're gonna sort of talkabout that today because I
(02:24):
think a major mistake that wemake, and not even I think, a
major mistake that I see so manypeople making is continuing
forward with something becauseof a commitment or whatever,
when we are really, really,really not in the right place
(02:45):
for that thing anymore.
And that's how I use the wordresonate.
So when something, when youresonate with something, and
you've probably said that, wow,that really makes sense to me.
That really resonates with me.
It feels aligned.
And I think this is where thewoo-woo label sometimes
incorrectly gets applied.
(03:05):
It feels aligned.
It means it feels good.
There's no drama, there's nokind of worry and weird stuff
happening in your head.
It feels like this thing thatyou're resonating with is a good
decision or a good thing or agreat person or a safe person.
It's fitting with your naturalenergy.
(03:26):
You feel kind of your bodygoing, yeah, definitely.
And that feels woo-woo, butit's not.
It's science.
It's inside of you arecognition that something just
feels correct.
And it can be, as I said, aboutpeople, about work, about
routines, about how you liveyour life, I'm supposed even
(03:49):
about what you eat, if we sitand think about it.
And resonance is actually aphysics term.
So when two frequencies match,they amplify each other.
Make the wave bigger is anotherway to say that.
And that happens in physics,and it also happens emotionally
(04:13):
and mentally.
Our emotions have frequency.
Our thoughts have frequency.
That's been proven study afterstudy after study that have done
really fascinating experimentswith that.
And our brains inside ourbodies and aligned with our
brains, our nervous systems, areconstantly checking throughout
(04:39):
our bodies, checking our senseswhere we're taking in
information, checking to see: does this right now feel safe? (04:42):
undefined
Does this right now feelfamiliar?
Does this right now feel likegrowth?
Does this right now feelforward motion?
Or does it feel dangerous orquestionable or upsetting or not
what I wanted?
(05:02):
Or backwards.
Your brain is always checkingthat, always scanning to make
sure that your nervous system isokay and you are feeling
aligned with whatever's going onat that moment.
And neuroscience studies haveshown that we respond to
(05:25):
coherence, meaning everything insync, everything coherent.
When our thoughts, ouremotions, our actions are in
sync, we function better.
So when something doesn'tresonate, and don't worry, I'm
gonna give you some examples.
I'm not gonna just talkscientific terms all the time,
although I do kind of nerd outabout this stuff.
So if you're like me, then hey,share this episode.
(05:50):
Maybe, maybe the other brainscience nerds will love it too.
So we're gonna have someexamples.
But when something doesn'tresonate, when you feel that
just kind of, I don't, I alwayscall it like a niggling in the
in the back of your head, likeyou know, something's it's like
you almost have the word, youalmost have the thought.
(06:10):
It's often your body signalingdissonance.
So instead of coherence, whenour thoughts, our emotions, our
actions are all in sync,dissonance means out of sync,
misaligned.
And that means that yourdefinition of who you are
(06:32):
doesn't match with whatever'sgoing on right in this moment.
Your definition of what theworld looks like doesn't match
with what's going on right inthis moment.
So let's dive into that alittle bit.
What is this definition of theworld?
Your subconscious brain storesall the instructions for running
(06:57):
your body.
Your subconscious brain isdirecting your breathing and
your heartbeat and the bloodflow in your body and all the
stuff that obviously we don'tspend time thinking about.
And your subconscious brain isstoring beliefs about your life.
And I don't mean faith typebeliefs, although that certainly
(07:20):
is part of it.
It's just beliefs about if I'min this situation, what will I
do?
What does it mean?
If this thing happens to me,what does it mean?
How do I interpret that?
And all of these beliefs abouthow the world is and how you're
gonna interact with the worldand what you're gonna be able to
(07:43):
do and not be able to do, allof that is saved into your
brain, and it's not somethingthat we think about.
And so I don't want to get toooff topic, but when we start
kind of hitting a ceiling wherewe're trying to create a
business and we can't, we justcan't seem to get something off
the ground, or we're trying tofind a person to date, and we
(08:05):
kind of keep self-sabotaging,it's probably because there is
something deep in thatsubconscious brain telling us
that we can't do this or wedon't deserve it.
So when we get into a situationwhere this feels a bit off, I
feel I'm not really resonatingwith that idea, like I feel a
(08:28):
bit, I'm not so sure.
Then we really need to take alook.
And I'm mostly going to tellyou in today's episode that that
means it's time to stop doingthings that don't resonate with
you.
But we have a littlesubcategory of that.
So let's do some examplesfirst, and then I'll I'll give
you those two areas.
(08:49):
Let's say, simple, simpleexample.
Let's say that you arefrustrated with your weight and
you would like to lose someweight.
And I learned this lesson somany years ago, sort of
accidentally, not havinganything to do with midlife, but
it still applies.
Years and years ago, when mykids were young, I wanted to
(09:09):
lose some weight, and I wasfiguring out what was I gonna
do, what was I gonna try, and Ihave had some psychological
eating issues before, so I'dnever count anything, I never
count calories or count macrosor any of that.
So I was figuring out what am Igoing to do?
And my sister said to me, andthis was just a casual
conversation, she had no idea atthe time how powerful this
(09:34):
would be for me.
And isn't that the case?
Be careful of your wordsbecause they might change
someone's life.
So my sister said to me, Well,you have to have a picture of
what you want to achieve, or youwon't ever get there.
Meaning, not an actual physicalpicture, although there's
(09:55):
nothing wrong with that, but apicture in my mind of myself at
my goal weight.
What types of clothes would Iwear?
What types of activities wouldI do?
What would the scale say?
Although I probably wouldn'tuse that one.
She said, if you can'tvisualize it, you're not going
(10:16):
to be able to do it.
And it was such a simplesentence, thrown into the midst
of a conversation.
But that sentence changed myrelationship with my weight.
Because I think so many of usget frustrated with ourselves,
and it doesn't have to beweight, I'm just using that as
(10:37):
one of our examples.
It could be fitness level, itcould be who knows, what else?
We get frustrated withourselves and we decide we want
to make a change, and then westart into some type of a
program where we're going to eatdifferently or we're going to
exercise more or we're going todo both those things, and we
don't last very long.
(10:57):
And if we don't last very long,it's because deep in our
subconscious brain, we don't seeourselves as the sort of person
who blank, if I don't believeI'm the sort of person who
weighs X amount or who wears Xsize or who feels really great
(11:21):
about their body, then I amgoing to stop myself from
getting to that point.
It's like a thermostat setting.
And this is often called theupper limit problem, where if we
think of upper limit not interms of number, in terms of
weight, but in terms of amountof success, there's gonna hit an
(11:42):
upper point there, and thenwe're gonna start
self-sabotaging because we don'tbelieve we can get beyond that
amount of success.
That is one key reason why somany people who try to lose
weight or get healthier stopbecause that's not how they see
themselves.
Now let's flip it the otherway.
When I say stop doing thingsthat don't resonate with you,
(12:04):
let's say that you have been ina career for a long time, and
when you go into work, whetheryou do it at home or whether you
actually physically go intowork, doesn't matter, you have
so much frustration in your day.
You feel frustrated that peoplein your work don't listen to
(12:24):
you, don't take your ideas, oryou feel like you're really not
being used as a resource, thatyou could help them so much if
they would just listen to you.
Or maybe you don't like thedirection that the company is
going, and you feel a bit, Idon't know, guilty might be a
(12:45):
strong word, but you feel a bitlike what you're doing is just
not the right thing, and shouldyou be doing it?
And you just it's it's as if Iwere just passionate about the
environment, and I went to workfor a company that for some
major project had to clear outan entire part of a rainforest,
(13:08):
and I had to be a part of thatproject.
Well, probably if I'mpassionate about the
environment, that's gonna bestressful, right?
I don't maybe maybe deep down Idon't like the idea that that's
the project I'm having to workon.
It's not resonating with me.
And situations like that happenall the time in life.
It might be in friendships, itmight be in relationships, it
(13:28):
might be in activities, it mightbe in volunteer jobs, it might
be in actual jobs, it might bein where you live.
If you notice that you are notmentally and emotionally
resonating with something thatyou are doing in your life, now
(13:49):
is the time to figure that outand make a change.
When we stay in thesesituations that there's just
this cognitive dissonance, thisemotional dissonance with, we
drain our energy, we keep ournervous systems on high alert,
(14:10):
which over time is going toaffect our health because our
hormone levels are going crazy.
Everything is happening insideour body when that is the case.
And we sort of lose our senseof purpose because every day
we're sort of fighting againstourselves and we're getting
through the day, fightingagainst ourselves about this
(14:30):
thing that doesn't resonate withme, but I have to do it
because, well, you don't havetime to think about what your
purpose is in life or whereyou're headed next.
You're just making it throughthe day.
Now, I don't mean that weshould just trash everything and
start over.
I definitely don't mean that.
(14:54):
There's some things we can dothat aren't quite so extreme.
The very first step is I wantyou to notice.
Notice if there is something inyour life that you are not
resonating with.
Remind yourself, this is notwoo-woo stuff, this is brain
science.
Really, this is more than thatmedical science when we talk
(15:16):
about the nervous system.
It is really important that weunderstand how this is affecting
ourselves.
And let me just hopefully makeyou feel a little bit better.
This doesn't mean that you'refailing at whatever this thing
is.
If you're really frustratedwith your job or you're really
(15:39):
frustrated in your relationship,it doesn't mean that you are
failing.
It means something about thefit of that scenario for you has
changed.
You've changed.
Maybe the company, the person,the situation has changed, and
the fit is now different.
(16:01):
So we don't want to call thisfailing, we don't want to create
self-blame in this situation.
We want to first recognizewhere in my life is this
dissonance coming from?
What situation is it?
And then we want to think alittle more deeply.
(16:22):
Remember, I say sometimes wewant to go behind the curtain.
So, what is going on in yourhead that is creating this
dissonance?
What are you telling yourself?
And it might take a little bitof time to figure that out, but
if you are in a situation whereover and over and over you just
feel this, ugh, it just doesn'tfeel right, it doesn't feel
(16:44):
right.
I want you to listen to yourthoughts.
What is running in your headall the time that is creating
that frustrated or or just kindof off-kilter emotion?
Recognize it, notice it.
Because if we continue just outof habit or obligation or maybe
(17:08):
fear of change, we're nevergoing to find something that
does feel better, that doesalign, that does resonate.
And this is one of the reasonsthat a lot of people hit
burnout.
So it's possible that you couldbe in a job that you love.
Absolutely love it.
(17:28):
You love it so much that maybeyou do it a lot, you work a lot
of extra hours, maybe you're nottaking enough time for rest,
you're not giving yourself abreak, you're not taking enough
vacation.
It is possible to burn out evenin a job you love, but it is
even more likely to burn out ina job that you've been pushing
(17:53):
through, and you've beenignoring the dissonance that was
in your emotions, that was inyour thoughts.
Resentment is a word that maybewe'd recognize here, or just
that feeling that you're you'reoff track.
Like, where am I going?
The longer we keep pushingthrough and ignoring that, the
(18:16):
more likely we're gonna hitburnout, and everything suddenly
becomes even bigger and evenworse.
So, first step, recognize it.
Second step, listen to yourthoughts.
Pay attention to what you'retelling yourself when you're
first waking up, when you'redoing tasks related to this
(18:38):
thing during the day, whenyou're going to bed.
There's gonna be stuff runningaround in your head about this
situation.
Third step is to start to thinkabout what you want.
Now, I'm giving you, I gave youan example about weight loss,
and I gave you an example abouta job.
There's so many things, right?
(18:58):
There's people, there'sactivities that you may or may
not be resonating with anymore.
So when you decide about howyou're gonna take action, this
is where a coach or even maybe atherapist, depending on whether
you're dealing with trauma orsomething very significant, can
help you a lot.
You can always go toCherylpfisher.com/slash
(19:20):
coaching.
I would be happy to help you.
We can set up a call.
The key is to start thinkingabout in an open, creative,
calm, non-judgmental way.
Well, what would I wantinstead?
Because I'm not telling you tokick that person out of your
life.
Family is really important tome.
(19:42):
And family sometimes is notgonna get along, right?
Family's gonna thinkdifferently about so many
things, and you get to choosehow you want to manage that.
Maybe you'd like to speak withthem differently.
Maybe you'd like to spend timewith them differently.
Maybe you'd like to, let's sayit's a relationship, maybe you'd
(20:06):
like to have some couplescounseling because while you're
in a rough patch, you stillbelieve the long-term potential
is there.
Or maybe you realize burnout isaround the corner and you are
getting out of this job now.
It could be any of thosethings.
But recognize what it is thatyou really want.
(20:29):
You want this or you don't.
You want it to look different.
Well, what do you want it tolook like?
What would feel good?
And absolutely the best way toask yourself that is in little
bits and pieces when you'refeeling calm, when you are able
to think creatively.
So maybe you do some tapping.
Go find the tapping episodefrom this podcast and you can
(20:53):
try that.
Maybe some calming breaths incounterfor, hold it, counter
four, out, counterfore, deepdiaphragm breaths.
Maybe you go to a differentplace in your house or you go
out into the park and you you goamong the trees and then you
think about it.
Those little things reset ournervous system so that we can
(21:18):
get back into that rest anddigest state because our brains
work better.
It's not just about digest andgut health, our brains work
better.
We're able to think morecreatively.
But if there is something inyour life right now, here's your
OMG moment, oh my goodness,here's what you need to
remember.
If you are forcing something inyour life that does not feel
(21:44):
right, there is a reason, thereis something going on that is a
disconnect between yourself-belief about what you can
and can't do and about how theworld works and the situation
that you're in.
And you don't have to staythere.
So, number one, notice.
(22:05):
Number two, listen to yourthoughts about it, just observe
yourself.
Number three, what do youreally want related to this
situation?
What's one small thing that youcould change or you could try
to move yourself towardssomething that just sounds
amazing?
Whether it's a totallydifferent thing or you're just
(22:27):
making adjustments in theserelationships because these
people are important and we justneed to work with them a bit
differently.
Even a little step can matter.
Now, maybe you're considering abig change in your life.
If that is the case, make sureyou are subscribing to the
mindset deep dive bonusepisodes.
And the series we're in rightnow, there is all about how to
(22:50):
move through a significantchange in your life.
The next series will becreating a more positive
self-image.
So go to CherylPFisher.comslash bonus episodes, subscribe,
make sure you don't miss that.
We can talk about mindset onthis podcast, and yet going into
a little mini-series where wecan dive deeper into a
(23:13):
particular topic is going tomake even a bigger difference
for you.
And of course, make sure you'vehit follow because on the next
episode of Mind Your Midlife, weare talking intermittent
fasting.
So I have a guest joining me totalk about this, I don't know,
topic that I feel like is oneveryone's mind lately as we are
(23:35):
wondering about weight gain andweight loss and staying staying
healthy in midlife.
And in the meantime, keepremembering midlife is your time
to take just a little bitbetter care of yourself.
On the outside and the inside.
Even a little bit more caremakes a huge difference.
One of the sticking points that I hit on
quite regularly with coachingclients is I don't want to do or
try or talk about any of thatwoo-woo stuff.
You want sound advice, youdon't want woo-woo stuff.
Well, we have to talk aboutwhat that means.
(00:20):
Because in midlife, it isreally important that you make
decisions that you resonatewith.
And that is not woo-woo stuff.
And I'm gonna tell you why notand exactly what to do.
So let's talk about it.
Welcome to Mind Your Midlife,your go-to resource for
(00:41):
confidence and success, onethought at a time.
Unlike most advice out there,we believe that simply telling
you to believe in yourself orchange your habits isn't enough
to wake up excited about life orfeel truly confident in your
body.
Each week, you'll gainactionable strategies and, oh my
(01:02):
goodness, powerful insights tostop feeling stuck and start
loving your midlife.
This is the Mind Your Midlifepodcast.
I think there are so manydifferent reasons why we might
hit our mid-40s into our 50s,maybe early 60s, and start
(01:22):
reevaluating things in our life.
And it's going to be differentfor everyone, right?
I can't necessarily just saythis is the case for everyone.
But you may have kids that areout of the house, and so you're
not seeing them every singleday, and it gives you this weird
(01:44):
vacuum of time that you don'tknow what to do with.
You may be starting to thinkahead towards retirement and
wondering about that.
You may have had a relationshipchange, you may be frustrated
about things going on with yourbody.
You get the point.
There's so much change.
Parents, too, right?
Aging parents, there's so muchchange happening during this
(02:04):
period of time.
And that change often comeswith a little extra time to
ruminate or obsess over, to sayit in a less healthy way, things
going on in our lives.
And so we're gonna sort of talkabout that today because I
(02:24):
think a major mistake that wemake, and not even I think, a
major mistake that I see so manypeople making is continuing
forward with something becauseof a commitment or whatever,
when we are really, really,really not in the right place
(02:45):
for that thing anymore.
And that's how I use the wordresonate.
So when something, when youresonate with something, and
you've probably said that, wow,that really makes sense to me.
That really resonates with me.
It feels aligned.
And I think this is where thewoo-woo label sometimes
incorrectly gets applied.
(03:05):
It feels aligned.
It means it feels good.
There's no drama, there's nokind of worry and weird stuff
happening in your head.
It feels like this thing thatyou're resonating with is a good
decision or a good thing or agreat person or a safe person.
It's fitting with your naturalenergy.
(03:26):
You feel kind of your bodygoing, yeah, definitely.
And that feels woo-woo, butit's not.
It's science.
It's inside of you arecognition that something just
feels correct.
And it can be, as I said, aboutpeople, about work, about
routines, about how you liveyour life, I'm supposed even
(03:49):
about what you eat, if we sitand think about it.
And resonance is actually aphysics term.
So when two frequencies match,they amplify each other.
Make the wave bigger is anotherway to say that.
And that happens in physics,and it also happens emotionally
(04:13):
and mentally.
Our emotions have frequency.
Our thoughts have frequency.
That's been proven study afterstudy after study that have done
really fascinating experimentswith that.
And our brains inside ourbodies and aligned with our
brains, our nervous systems, areconstantly checking throughout
(04:39):
our bodies, checking our senseswhere we're taking in
information, checking to see: does this right now feel safe? (04:42):
undefined
Does this right now feelfamiliar?
Does this right now feel likegrowth?
Does this right now feelforward motion?
Or does it feel dangerous orquestionable or upsetting or not
what I wanted?
(05:02):
Or backwards.
Your brain is always checkingthat, always scanning to make
sure that your nervous system isokay and you are feeling
aligned with whatever's going onat that moment.
And neuroscience studies haveshown that we respond to
(05:25):
coherence, meaning everything insync, everything coherent.
When our thoughts, ouremotions, our actions are in
sync, we function better.
So when something doesn'tresonate, and don't worry, I'm
gonna give you some examples.
I'm not gonna just talkscientific terms all the time,
although I do kind of nerd outabout this stuff.
So if you're like me, then hey,share this episode.
(05:50):
Maybe, maybe the other brainscience nerds will love it too.
So we're gonna have someexamples.
But when something doesn'tresonate, when you feel that
just kind of, I don't, I alwayscall it like a niggling in the
in the back of your head, likeyou know, something's it's like
you almost have the word, youalmost have the thought.
(06:10):
It's often your body signalingdissonance.
So instead of coherence, whenour thoughts, our emotions, our
actions are all in sync,dissonance means out of sync,
misaligned.
And that means that yourdefinition of who you are
(06:32):
doesn't match with whatever'sgoing on right in this moment.
Your definition of what theworld looks like doesn't match
with what's going on right inthis moment.
So let's dive into that alittle bit.
What is this definition of theworld?
Your subconscious brain storesall the instructions for running
(06:57):
your body.
Your subconscious brain isdirecting your breathing and
your heartbeat and the bloodflow in your body and all the
stuff that obviously we don'tspend time thinking about.
And your subconscious brain isstoring beliefs about your life.
And I don't mean faith typebeliefs, although that certainly
(07:20):
is part of it.
It's just beliefs about if I'min this situation, what will I
do?
What does it mean?
If this thing happens to me,what does it mean?
How do I interpret that?
And all of these beliefs abouthow the world is and how you're
gonna interact with the worldand what you're gonna be able to
(07:43):
do and not be able to do, allof that is saved into your
brain, and it's not somethingthat we think about.
And so I don't want to get toooff topic, but when we start
kind of hitting a ceiling wherewe're trying to create a
business and we can't, we justcan't seem to get something off
the ground, or we're trying tofind a person to date, and we
(08:05):
kind of keep self-sabotaging,it's probably because there is
something deep in thatsubconscious brain telling us
that we can't do this or wedon't deserve it.
So when we get into a situationwhere this feels a bit off, I
feel I'm not really resonatingwith that idea, like I feel a
(08:28):
bit, I'm not so sure.
Then we really need to take alook.
And I'm mostly going to tellyou in today's episode that that
means it's time to stop doingthings that don't resonate with
you.
But we have a littlesubcategory of that.
So let's do some examplesfirst, and then I'll I'll give
you those two areas.
(08:49):
Let's say, simple, simpleexample.
Let's say that you arefrustrated with your weight and
you would like to lose someweight.
And I learned this lesson somany years ago, sort of
accidentally, not havinganything to do with midlife, but
it still applies.
Years and years ago, when mykids were young, I wanted to
(09:09):
lose some weight, and I wasfiguring out what was I gonna
do, what was I gonna try, and Ihave had some psychological
eating issues before, so I'dnever count anything, I never
count calories or count macrosor any of that.
So I was figuring out what am Igoing to do?
And my sister said to me, andthis was just a casual
conversation, she had no idea atthe time how powerful this
(09:34):
would be for me.
And isn't that the case?
Be careful of your wordsbecause they might change
someone's life.
So my sister said to me, Well,you have to have a picture of
what you want to achieve, or youwon't ever get there.
Meaning, not an actual physicalpicture, although there's
(09:55):
nothing wrong with that, but apicture in my mind of myself at
my goal weight.
What types of clothes would Iwear?
What types of activities wouldI do?
What would the scale say?
Although I probably wouldn'tuse that one.
She said, if you can'tvisualize it, you're not going
(10:16):
to be able to do it.
And it was such a simplesentence, thrown into the midst
of a conversation.
But that sentence changed myrelationship with my weight.
Because I think so many of usget frustrated with ourselves,
and it doesn't have to beweight, I'm just using that as
(10:37):
one of our examples.
It could be fitness level, itcould be who knows, what else?
We get frustrated withourselves and we decide we want
to make a change, and then westart into some type of a
program where we're going to eatdifferently or we're going to
exercise more or we're going todo both those things, and we
don't last very long.
(10:57):
And if we don't last very long,it's because deep in our
subconscious brain, we don't seeourselves as the sort of person
who blank, if I don't believeI'm the sort of person who
weighs X amount or who wears Xsize or who feels really great
(11:21):
about their body, then I amgoing to stop myself from
getting to that point.
It's like a thermostat setting.
And this is often called theupper limit problem, where if we
think of upper limit not interms of number, in terms of
weight, but in terms of amountof success, there's gonna hit an
(11:42):
upper point there, and thenwe're gonna start
self-sabotaging because we don'tbelieve we can get beyond that
amount of success.
That is one key reason why somany people who try to lose
weight or get healthier stopbecause that's not how they see
themselves.
Now let's flip it the otherway.
When I say stop doing thingsthat don't resonate with you,
(12:04):
let's say that you have been ina career for a long time, and
when you go into work, whetheryou do it at home or whether you
actually physically go intowork, doesn't matter, you have
so much frustration in your day.
You feel frustrated that peoplein your work don't listen to
(12:24):
you, don't take your ideas, oryou feel like you're really not
being used as a resource, thatyou could help them so much if
they would just listen to you.
Or maybe you don't like thedirection that the company is
going, and you feel a bit, Idon't know, guilty might be a
(12:45):
strong word, but you feel a bitlike what you're doing is just
not the right thing, and shouldyou be doing it?
And you just it's it's as if Iwere just passionate about the
environment, and I went to workfor a company that for some
major project had to clear outan entire part of a rainforest,
(13:08):
and I had to be a part of thatproject.
Well, probably if I'mpassionate about the
environment, that's gonna bestressful, right?
I don't maybe maybe deep down Idon't like the idea that that's
the project I'm having to workon.
It's not resonating with me.
And situations like that happenall the time in life.
It might be in friendships, itmight be in relationships, it
(13:28):
might be in activities, it mightbe in volunteer jobs, it might
be in actual jobs, it might bein where you live.
If you notice that you are notmentally and emotionally
resonating with something thatyou are doing in your life, now
(13:49):
is the time to figure that outand make a change.
When we stay in thesesituations that there's just
this cognitive dissonance, thisemotional dissonance with, we
drain our energy, we keep ournervous systems on high alert,
(14:10):
which over time is going toaffect our health because our
hormone levels are going crazy.
Everything is happening insideour body when that is the case.
And we sort of lose our senseof purpose because every day
we're sort of fighting againstourselves and we're getting
through the day, fightingagainst ourselves about this
(14:30):
thing that doesn't resonate withme, but I have to do it
because, well, you don't havetime to think about what your
purpose is in life or whereyou're headed next.
You're just making it throughthe day.
Now, I don't mean that weshould just trash everything and
start over.
I definitely don't mean that.
(14:54):
There's some things we can dothat aren't quite so extreme.
The very first step is I wantyou to notice.
Notice if there is something inyour life that you are not
resonating with.
Remind yourself, this is notwoo-woo stuff, this is brain
science.
Really, this is more than thatmedical science when we talk
(15:16):
about the nervous system.
It is really important that weunderstand how this is affecting
ourselves.
And let me just hopefully makeyou feel a little bit better.
This doesn't mean that you'refailing at whatever this thing
is.
If you're really frustratedwith your job or you're really
(15:39):
frustrated in your relationship,it doesn't mean that you are
failing.
It means something about thefit of that scenario for you has
changed.
You've changed.
Maybe the company, the person,the situation has changed, and
the fit is now different.
(16:01):
So we don't want to call thisfailing, we don't want to create
self-blame in this situation.
We want to first recognizewhere in my life is this
dissonance coming from?
What situation is it?
And then we want to think alittle more deeply.
(16:22):
Remember, I say sometimes wewant to go behind the curtain.
So, what is going on in yourhead that is creating this
dissonance?
What are you telling yourself?
And it might take a little bitof time to figure that out, but
if you are in a situation whereover and over and over you just
feel this, ugh, it just doesn'tfeel right, it doesn't feel
(16:44):
right.
I want you to listen to yourthoughts.
What is running in your headall the time that is creating
that frustrated or or just kindof off-kilter emotion?
Recognize it, notice it.
Because if we continue just outof habit or obligation or maybe
(17:08):
fear of change, we're nevergoing to find something that
does feel better, that doesalign, that does resonate.
And this is one of the reasonsthat a lot of people hit
burnout.
So it's possible that you couldbe in a job that you love.
Absolutely love it.
(17:28):
You love it so much that maybeyou do it a lot, you work a lot
of extra hours, maybe you're nottaking enough time for rest,
you're not giving yourself abreak, you're not taking enough
vacation.
It is possible to burn out evenin a job you love, but it is
even more likely to burn out ina job that you've been pushing
(17:53):
through, and you've beenignoring the dissonance that was
in your emotions, that was inyour thoughts.
Resentment is a word that maybewe'd recognize here, or just
that feeling that you're you'reoff track.
Like, where am I going?
The longer we keep pushingthrough and ignoring that, the
(18:16):
more likely we're gonna hitburnout, and everything suddenly
becomes even bigger and evenworse.
So, first step, recognize it.
Second step, listen to yourthoughts.
Pay attention to what you'retelling yourself when you're
first waking up, when you'redoing tasks related to this
(18:38):
thing during the day, whenyou're going to bed.
There's gonna be stuff runningaround in your head about this
situation.
Third step is to start to thinkabout what you want.
Now, I'm giving you, I gave youan example about weight loss,
and I gave you an example abouta job.
There's so many things, right?
(18:58):
There's people, there'sactivities that you may or may
not be resonating with anymore.
So when you decide about howyou're gonna take action, this
is where a coach or even maybe atherapist, depending on whether
you're dealing with trauma orsomething very significant, can
help you a lot.
You can always go toCherylpfisher.com/slash
(19:20):
coaching.
I would be happy to help you.
We can set up a call.
The key is to start thinkingabout in an open, creative,
calm, non-judgmental way.
Well, what would I wantinstead?
Because I'm not telling you tokick that person out of your
life.
Family is really important tome.
(19:42):
And family sometimes is notgonna get along, right?
Family's gonna thinkdifferently about so many
things, and you get to choosehow you want to manage that.
Maybe you'd like to speak withthem differently.
Maybe you'd like to spend timewith them differently.
Maybe you'd like to, let's sayit's a relationship, maybe you'd
(20:06):
like to have some couplescounseling because while you're
in a rough patch, you stillbelieve the long-term potential
is there.
Or maybe you realize burnout isaround the corner and you are
getting out of this job now.
It could be any of thosethings.
But recognize what it is thatyou really want.
(20:29):
You want this or you don't.
You want it to look different.
Well, what do you want it tolook like?
What would feel good?
And absolutely the best way toask yourself that is in little
bits and pieces when you'refeeling calm, when you are able
to think creatively.
So maybe you do some tapping.
Go find the tapping episodefrom this podcast and you can
(20:53):
try that.
Maybe some calming breaths incounterfor, hold it, counter
four, out, counterfore, deepdiaphragm breaths.
Maybe you go to a differentplace in your house or you go
out into the park and you you goamong the trees and then you
think about it.
Those little things reset ournervous system so that we can
(21:18):
get back into that rest anddigest state because our brains
work better.
It's not just about digest andgut health, our brains work
better.
We're able to think morecreatively.
But if there is something inyour life right now, here's your
OMG moment, oh my goodness,here's what you need to
remember.
If you are forcing something inyour life that does not feel
(21:44):
right, there is a reason, thereis something going on that is a
disconnect between yourself-belief about what you can
and can't do and about how theworld works and the situation
that you're in.
And you don't have to staythere.
So, number one, notice.
(22:05):
Number two, listen to yourthoughts about it, just observe
yourself.
Number three, what do youreally want related to this
situation?
What's one small thing that youcould change or you could try
to move yourself towardssomething that just sounds
amazing?
Whether it's a totallydifferent thing or you're just
(22:27):
making adjustments in theserelationships because these
people are important and we justneed to work with them a bit
differently.
Even a little step can matter.
Now, maybe you're considering abig change in your life.
If that is the case, make sureyou are subscribing to the
mindset deep dive bonusepisodes.
And the series we're in rightnow, there is all about how to
(22:50):
move through a significantchange in your life.
The next series will becreating a more positive
self-image.
So go to CherylPFisher.comslash bonus episodes, subscribe,
make sure you don't miss that.
We can talk about mindset onthis podcast, and yet going into
a little mini-series where wecan dive deeper into a
(23:13):
particular topic is going tomake even a bigger difference
for you.
And of course, make sure you'vehit follow because on the next
episode of Mind Your Midlife, weare talking intermittent
fasting.
So I have a guest joining me totalk about this, I don't know,
topic that I feel like is oneveryone's mind lately as we are
(23:35):
wondering about weight gain andweight loss and staying staying
healthy in midlife.
And in the meantime, keepremembering midlife is your time
to take just a little bitbetter care of yourself.
On the outside and the inside.
Even a little bit more caremakes a huge difference.
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