April 25, 2025 • 27 mins
Ever find yourself looking at an old photo or hearing a throwback song and suddenly you're smiling... then cringing? One minute it's nostalgia, and the next you're thinking, “Why did I do that?” Been there.
In this episode, we're diving into what I like to call the “midlife memory seesaw”—that mental tipping point between warm, fuzzy memories and the sting of regret. I’m sharing some of my own stories (yes, including questionable 90s haircuts), along with brain science and practical tools that will help you shift how you think about your past. The goal? More joy, less guilt, and a lot more grace for the person you used to be.
BY THE TIME YOU FINISH LISTENING, YOU’LL DISCOVER:
✔ Why our brains tend to cling to the negative—and how to gently train them to do otherwise
✔ My go-to “regret reframe” that shifts self-criticism into appreciation
✔ How writing a thank-you note to your younger self can change your perspective
✔ What positive nostalgia can do for your self-esteem and emotional well-being
🎯 OMG Moment: Looking back with joy and appreciation is power. Looking back with self-criticism is a trap—and it’s one you don’t have to fall into.
Take Action
Next time you catch yourself slipping into regret, try asking, “What good came from that moment?” or “How far have I come since then?” That one simple reframe can change everything. You deserve to look back with kindness.
Grab your free Story Cycle resource to help you recognize these emotions and the thoughts behind them at www.cherylpfischer.com/storycycle.
Why This Episode Matters
Midlife naturally brings a lot of reflection—but how we relate to our past directly shapes our peace and happiness now. I want you to see how much gold is in your story, even the messy chapters. You’ve lived a lot of life. Let’s honor that—together.
🎧 Hit follow now and join me next week as I sit down with a guest to talk about the alcohol-free movement and what it means to redefine your relationship with habits in midlife.
Find all podcast and coaching resources at cherylpfischer.com.
Send Mind Your Midlife a note.
The Midlife Pivot Patreon Community launches June 1st! Find out all the details and grab your spot on the waitlist at cherylpfischer.com/midlifepivot.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Cheryl Fischer (00:00):
Back in maybe 1990, 91, I had one of those
haircuts where you cut reallyone side short and the other
side is a bit longer, and Iloved it and my hair is curly if
you haven't seen me before andso it was all curly on one side
(00:22):
and it was shorter on the otherside.
And I look back at pictures ofmyself now and I wonder about
that haircut.
Or maybe what you're doing isyou're thinking back to that
time when you had no idea whatto say and you really wish you
did that was mine usually or yousaid totally the wrong thing at
(00:46):
the worst time it happens right.
So sometimes when we look backwe get hit with this wave of
regret.
It's kind of a.
It's a heavy feeling.
We should have done itdifferently.
Here, the should, the should.
We're shooting on ourselves.
(01:06):
It's like smacking yourforehead face palm.
That's what I mean.
It's missed out on something.
It's did something wrong.
It's awkward and we think back.
But sometimes it feels reallygood to look back and that's
nostalgia.
It's like a warm, fuzzy, happyfeeling.
(01:29):
And for me it's all about musicand pictures.
So your favorite 80s song comeson 90s song, or you look at a
picture and it reminds you ofdoing something just in your
house or on a trip, and you justfeel just warm fuzzy, that's
(01:49):
the best way to say it.
So what if we could lean intothat positive side a bit more
when we're thinking back andwe're feeling kind of like
sitting in our memories a bit?
What if we could go to thepositive nostalgia side, have a
bit of gratitude versus theshould have, would have, could
(02:11):
have part?
We're going to dive into thattoday and see if we can help
each other to stop with theregrets, stop the path toward
bitterness as we get moreseasoned which is how I like to
say as we get older and createlittle moments of joy when we
(02:33):
think about our memories,because, believe it or not, this
could even be healing for you,and that is amazing and maybe
even funny, because laughter isgood.
So let's talk about it.
Welcome to Mind your Midlife,your go-to resource for
confidence and success, onethought at a time.
(02:54):
Unlike most advice out there,we believe that simply telling
you to believe in yourself orchange your habits isn't enough
to wake up excited about life orfeel truly confident in your
body.
Each week, you'll gainactionable strategies and oh my
goodness, powerful insights tostop feeling stuck and start
(03:15):
loving your midlife.
This is the Mind your Midlifepodcast.
It's the end of April when thisepisode is coming out, as you
know if you're listening to itright now, and Easter was this
past weekend and I lovecelebrating Easter and I always
(03:38):
remember, of course, the candywhat can I say?
That was part of our traditionand maybe being with family at
the very least, being with ourimmediate family and having this
fun morning with candy and thengoing to church and then having
a nice meal, and this pastweekend I did treat myself to a
little bit of candy.
(03:58):
We did do most of thattradition.
However, the kids weren't here.
My kids are grown up, they liveelsewhere, they're doing great
with their lives and this is nota holiday in terms of long
weekend for us.
So they couldn't come home, andthat has happened before.
(04:18):
I have been an empty nester fora number of years and my
husband and I are doing justfine, yet this year, for some
reason, it was.
It was harder than I thought.
It was like I didn't see itcoming and I just kind of felt
sad, and it's a little hard forme to even admit that, but,
(04:41):
being fully transparent with you.
I felt sad, I wanted my kids.
I wondered how often am I goingto get to see them and that may
not be often sometimes and Ijust really, I was just
(05:02):
realizing that I need to take myown advice, and I did once.
I realized, you know, I alwayssay coaches need coaches, and my
own advice is to pause in amoment like that and ask well, I
was asking myself you can askyourself, okay, how am I feeling
(05:24):
right now?
And I recognized sad.
I was feeling really down, andit wasn't a mad sad or an
embarrassed sad or a, it wasjust just sad.
And the next question is what'sgoing on in my head right now?
That's creating that, becauseit's the thoughts we have that
(05:47):
create our emotions, not in ajudgmental way.
It's okay to feel sad.
In fact, please feel yourfeelings.
And so I I found in my head Iwas telling myself that.
I was telling myself that youknow it used to be better and
(06:10):
maybe did I appreciate it enough.
And are my kids going to bearound?
Am I always going to miss them?
And just these kind of bigsweeping things in my head that
you know it's always going to besad.
This is what we do to ourselves.
Sometimes we we kind ofcatastrophize, I guess, with
these always and never and howcould it ever?
(06:30):
Type of statements.
And so when I recognize that,the next thing is, can I make a
shift?
Can I change anything aboutwhat I'm telling myself in my
head?
And that is not necessarily aneasy thing, nor is it something
that you just flip a coin and gooh, now suddenly I'm grateful
that my kids are doing well andthey have places to live and
(06:52):
they are happy.
It might not be that easythat's the goal, but it might
take time.
And so I was able to shift alittle bit and be grateful that
I got to see my friend and herparents and we had fun and my
husband and I had a nice day andeverybody's healthy and happy,
and I found some things andthat's the key.
(07:15):
So, no matter whether you'rekind of feeling like I was
describing, you're feeling sadabout something, or you are
missing someone or people orsomething you used to have in
terms of status or the way yourlife was sometimes in midlife
(07:39):
and continuing forward andbecoming more seasoned we can
slide along this kind ofslippery slope I'm going to call
it from being nostalgic andthinking about our memories, to
regret and bitterness and wow,it was good back then and now
(07:59):
everything is crap.
And this period of life, Ithink, is sort of the what do
you call it in the middle of aseesaw.
It's like the if only I knewthe word.
It's the thing in the middle ofthe seesaw we're tipping.
We're tipping side to side andI want you to tip towards the
(08:22):
happy, nostalgic, gratitude sideinstead of the regret and
bitterness side.
And I'll give you another kindof little story for me.
I was a teacher in high school.
I taught math and economics for12 years actually, while my
kids were going through school,and I love teaching and I still
(08:44):
do training outside of doingthis podcast.
I love explaining and speaking.
Maybe you're shocked listeningto me now.
So as I was going past my Idon't know seven, eight, nine
years, I started to see.
I started to see bitterness onthe horizon, and what I mean by
(09:13):
that is I started to wonder if Istayed for 20 more years or
whatever it would have been tohit my full retirement age.
Was I going to be one of thoseteachers and you're going to
know what I'm talking aboutgoing to be one of those
teachers and you're going toknow what I'm talking about who
just seemed always upset andjust kind of as if she was being
(09:35):
forced to be there and sort ofa tiny bit angry at everyone.
I kind of saw myself going onthat path.
Believe it or not, I saw it.
I saw like little tiny signs ofbitterness coming and that, at
its most basic level, is thereason that I made a change.
(09:56):
At its most basic level, is thereason that I made a change.
I've also seen, and I bet you'veseen, a lot of more seasoned,
older people who seem to justreally always be bitter for lack
of a better word or wereannoyed.
They're always this.
(10:16):
I thought of this word when Iwas thinking about this episode.
They're always kind of grousingabout something.
Isn't that a great word?
I don't think we use thatanymore much, but it's a great
word.
They're just always kind ofcomplaining, a bit grousing.
Just in my day.
You know what's wrong with kidsthese days?
(10:38):
I mean, I do say some of thatstuff.
I have started to sound like myparents, I think, and maybe you
have too.
I think maybe that's normal,but I don't want to be in my 70s
or in my 80s and just be bitterand just regretful and
complaining.
(10:58):
I don't know how that happensfor some people and maybe
they've had really tough livesand maybe I'm oversimplifying,
and that's, that's fair, I'lltake it.
And yet time marches on and Ithink when we hit this point in
our lives where maybe we're ator beyond the halfway point, we
(11:21):
have so many past experiencesand we have so many memories and
the power of those is lettingthem be a positive thing and not
allowing them to be a thingwhere we're telling ourselves
today is not good because it wasso amazing before or we made a
(11:44):
stupid mistake before and nowtoday is not good.
Regret in one way or the otheris really important that we
don't kind of slide into that asa habit, slide into that as a
(12:08):
habit.
So is it okay to sit in someold memories or sit and look at
old pictures and think back?
Of course it's okay.
Of course it's okay, and maybesometimes we do that to soothe
ourselves.
Maybe it's when we've had a badday and we want to remember a
happy moment.
That's a great reason to do it,but I think sometimes we get
(12:31):
stuck on, should have in thatsituation and what would life be
like now, it wouldn't be thisRegret, regret, regret, okay, so
(13:06):
why do we even dwell onsomething that we regret, or
kind of dwell on somethingnegative, or dwell on this
feeling of well, there's brainscience there, right?
And if you've heard otherepisodes of mine, you probably
already know what I'm going tosay.
Our brains tend to find thenegative really easily and they
(13:36):
do that for one of two reasons.
One, to keep us safe.
So, for example, I'm trying todecide whether I'm going to do
something and my brain is like,well, you could fall and hurt
yourself or whatever the risk is.
It's trying to keep me safe.
That's how our brains work.
So, besides safe, also maybeour brains are trying to help us
(13:57):
learn, and I almost want tolike put that in air quotes.
They're trying to help us learnfrom a past mistake.
Or your brain remembers that youfelt a bit uncomfortable in a
certain situation and it'strying to keep you away from
that situation again, so youdon't have to feel like that
(14:19):
again.
It's learning, but our memoriestend to kind of distort a
little bit.
Some things really stick withus and some things we might
minimize.
So if some really really strongor kind of shocking, immediate
emotion was attached, we'regoing to really distort that
(14:42):
bigger if there was some sort ofnegative shock or something.
If it was.
This is why, by the way,sidebar, this is why we don't
celebrate the small steps whenwe make small steps forward,
because if there was somethinghappening in our past that was
positive but it wasn't attachedto some big emotional thing or,
(15:02):
you know, a big milestone, yourbrain might distort that kind of
and make it more mild and notremember it as much.
Anyway, so reflecting back onour past is really common in
midlife, as we've been saying,and I say even healthy.
(15:22):
I say appreciate the fact thatyou have this much life
experience and appreciate whatit has been, but framing it in a
way that is healthy andconstructive for ourselves is
really important.
So if you're dwelling onsomething and that could be, as
(15:46):
I was saying, a regret from thepast, maybe you're remembering
an incident where you didsomething embarrassing.
Or you're remembering anincident where you made a
decision and now you're like,man, I wish I had made a
different decision.
Or maybe you're remembering howgood it was and you're
comparing that with now andyou're thinking I'm never going
(16:07):
to have something that good.
Whatever these regrets that comefrom kind of sitting and
dwelling in the past are and seeif you can get yourself to
reframe it, to look how far I'vecome or look at what difference
I made.
And even if the scenario isthat you are wishing that things
(16:32):
used to be as good as they usedto be, there's probably still
something you could come up withwhen you ask yourself or maybe
not ask yourself when you tellyourself look how far I've come.
I bet you're stronger, Maybeyou're more independent, maybe
you're proud of what you've done, as you've raised your kids or
(16:54):
influenced people in your lifeor made some other change.
So leave alone the why did I dothat?
And I can't believe, and soannoyed about that from 20 years
ago.
Because I mean, you and I bothknow there is nothing we can do
(17:16):
about what we're annoyed aboutfrom 20 years ago.
I'm sorry to tell you we can doabout what we're annoyed about
from 20 years ago.
I'm sorry to tell you, shift,if you can, from that.
Maybe we call it the regretreframe to look how far I've
come and just let yourselfappreciate that.
(17:38):
Look how far I've come or lookhow far we've come.
So there's my first idea foryou.
Now here's another one, and Igot this from the internet.
I did not come up with this bymyself, but I love it.
So nostalgia to me is verypowerful, and in the first
version of this podcast, I usedto ask listeners to give me a
(18:08):
song that inspired nostalgia andgood memories for them, because
they would always say a songthat I was like oh my gosh, I
love that song.
It boosts your mood when youthink back in this happy way.
It actually boosts yourself-esteem because deep down in
your brain and in your body,you are remembering times that
(18:32):
were happy and you are teachingyour body ooh, yes, it feels
good to be happy.
That's something your bodyalways needs a reminder of, and
it also gives you this kind ofsense of longevity, continuity.
Wow, look, I'm still here and Iremember that cool thing.
Okay, so here's the exercisethat I did not come up with by
myself, but I love when you arein a situation where you're
(18:57):
feeling a bit nostalgic, and itcould go either way.
It could go to the sad andregret or to the happy.
On that seesaw, when you look atan old picture or whatever it
is that's pulling out thatmemory.
What if you can think of goodthings that came from that
moment.
So I look, for some reason it'ssticking in my head when I was
(19:19):
in high school I think I was ajunior, maybe senior, doesn't
matter they had this program.
I was in high school inCharlotte, north Carolina, and
they had this program forforeign language students who
were at a certain level, wherewe would go I don't remember how
many times a couple times aweek or something to a local
elementary school during theschool day and we would teach
them Spanish in my case, and Ihave pictures of myself in the
(19:44):
classroom with these littlesecond graders and it was two or
three of us at a time.
We didn't go all by ourselvesas high school students and try
to teach something, but weplanned a lesson and then we
would go to the elementaryschool and we would teach the
lesson.
And I am just remembering thispicture I have of me in the
classroom that somebody I don'tknow took with their camera and
then developed and gave me theirdouble prints and this really
(20:08):
resonated with me.
That wasn't a negative moment.
But what if I focus on whatgood came from that moment?
Maybe that was my first tasteof speaking to a group and they
happened to be eight years old,but it was my first taste and
it's a positive memory.
What if that affected me?
I mean, isn't that cool?
(20:28):
That's a good thing that camefrom that moment and, even if
the moment was a little bit of ahard or a messy one, if you can
ask yourself what good thing orgood things have come from that
moment, I think this is a coolway to look at memories and I
want you to try it and I wantyou to tell me if you tried it.
(20:49):
Find me on social it's Cheryl PFisher most of the time on most
socials.
Find me and send me a message.
I would love to know.
Okay, your third tool.
I want you to see if you canfind a way to thank your younger
self and those of you who arejournalers and like to write.
I would say sit down with yourpaper or your document and
(21:13):
actually write yourself a thankyou note for what your younger
self did or said or thought orlearned.
If you, like me probably, arenever going to sit down and
actually write it, you can justtake a minute and think about it
.
I'm not going to give you newtasks to do.
(21:33):
We don't have time for that,but you do have a minute, maybe
when you're taking a walk, orwhen you're commuting, or when
you're taking a walk, or whenyou're commuting, or when you're
taking a shower.
If you're thinking aboutmemories and maybe you're
dwelling on a mistake andhonestly, this doesn't even have
to be too far back Maybe it waslast week Is there anything you
can thank yourself for fromthat moment?
(21:55):
Anything, just a little bit ofgratitude.
You never know what you mightcome up with.
The brain is a pretty coolplace because if we ask it
questions, it really wants togive us an answer.
That is why, if you go aroundasking yourself, why does this
always happen to me?
(22:16):
Why am I always late?
How does this always happen?
Your brain is going to find youan answer, and it's probably
not an answer you want.
But if you ask yourself, gosh,what could I be grateful for
about this?
And back to the previous one,what good things came from that
moment, it's switching the wayyou ask the question and your
(22:40):
brain is going to try to findyou an answer, and it's going to
be probably a cool answer.
It's just switching the angle.
Now let me give you one lastthing because we are so hard on
ourselves.
And when I, when I get into mysort of empty nest sad times,
(23:00):
I'm thinking you know why are mykids living farther away?
And blah, blah, blah.
And number one would I judge afriend about where her kids were
and what they were doing?
No heavens, would you talk toyour friend that way?
You would not.
(23:21):
Number two what was the goal inthis situation?
Pretty sure our goal was toraise kids who were happy with
their life and independent andcould take care of themselves.
So that's a good thing.
We gained something from that.
So just be careful, kind of howyou're speaking to yourself.
(23:42):
See if you can change thefilter on that a little bit.
It might help in that moment.
So if I were to wrap this up,here's your thing to remember
from this episode your oh mygoodness moment.
We have a lot of life behind us.
We also have a lot of lifeahead of us.
(24:04):
I'm not focusing on that today,but it's true.
Think about your parents oryour aunts and uncles, or maybe
even your grandparents.
They're a lot older than you,which means there's a lot of
time still to be lived betweenyou and them.
But here, sorry, sidetrack again.
Here it is.
Looking back with joy andappreciation is power.
(24:26):
It's healthy, it's happy, it'sgood for you.
It teaches your body goodthings.
Looking back as a comparison orself-criticism is a trap and
it's going to hold you in there.
That's what I want you toremember.
Use some of the little tricks Igave you.
(24:47):
Midlife is not about mourningwhat's behind us.
It's about looking for goldfrom that.
So dig into the memories, enjoythem and just do it with
kindness to yourself and maybe alittle humor.
Laughter is good.
(25:11):
If you have been enjoying thispodcast and you are listening on
Apple, please go and leave arating and a review.
It makes such a difference.
I want to share with you areview that came in recently
from Society Hill Mom.
So happy I discovered Mind yourMidlife.
Cheryl and her guests shareinsight and advice freely.
(25:33):
That I didn't know I needed.
I always walk away with gems ofinspiration Makes me feel like
we're all in this together.
Thank you, oh my goodness,society Hill mom.
That makes me so happy.
Yes, we're all in this together.
That is entirely the point, andlet's make it fun while we're
in it.
Now also make sure that youhave hit the follow button,
(25:57):
because we're going to have aninteresting discussion on the
next episode.
I don't know whether you havetried to dry January or sober
October, or you have gonealcohol free, or you always were
, or you absolutely are not.
Either way, it's a big movementright now and my guest next
week is going to talk to usabout her experience and, even
(26:20):
if that is just not the rightthing for you, it's a pretty
fascinating discussion, so I'llsee you then.
Keep remembering midlife isyour time to slow down, to
notice your life and what'saround you and create something
amazing.
Back in maybe 1990, 91, I had one of those
haircuts where you cut reallyone side short and the other
side is a bit longer, and Iloved it and my hair is curly if
you haven't seen me before andso it was all curly on one side
(00:22):
and it was shorter on the otherside.
And I look back at pictures ofmyself now and I wonder about
that haircut.
Or maybe what you're doing isyou're thinking back to that
time when you had no idea whatto say and you really wish you
did that was mine usually or yousaid totally the wrong thing at
(00:46):
the worst time it happens right.
So sometimes when we look backwe get hit with this wave of
regret.
It's kind of a.
It's a heavy feeling.
We should have done itdifferently.
Here, the should, the should.
We're shooting on ourselves.
(01:06):
It's like smacking yourforehead face palm.
That's what I mean.
It's missed out on something.
It's did something wrong.
It's awkward and we think back.
But sometimes it feels reallygood to look back and that's
nostalgia.
It's like a warm, fuzzy, happyfeeling.
(01:29):
And for me it's all about musicand pictures.
So your favorite 80s song comeson 90s song, or you look at a
picture and it reminds you ofdoing something just in your
house or on a trip, and you justfeel just warm fuzzy, that's
(01:49):
the best way to say it.
So what if we could lean intothat positive side a bit more
when we're thinking back andwe're feeling kind of like
sitting in our memories a bit?
What if we could go to thepositive nostalgia side, have a
bit of gratitude versus theshould have, would have, could
(02:11):
have part?
We're going to dive into thattoday and see if we can help
each other to stop with theregrets, stop the path toward
bitterness as we get moreseasoned which is how I like to
say as we get older and createlittle moments of joy when we
(02:33):
think about our memories,because, believe it or not, this
could even be healing for you,and that is amazing and maybe
even funny, because laughter isgood.
So let's talk about it.
Welcome to Mind your Midlife,your go-to resource for
confidence and success, onethought at a time.
(02:54):
Unlike most advice out there,we believe that simply telling
you to believe in yourself orchange your habits isn't enough
to wake up excited about life orfeel truly confident in your
body.
Each week, you'll gainactionable strategies and oh my
goodness, powerful insights tostop feeling stuck and start
(03:15):
loving your midlife.
This is the Mind your Midlifepodcast.
It's the end of April when thisepisode is coming out, as you
know if you're listening to itright now, and Easter was this
past weekend and I lovecelebrating Easter and I always
(03:38):
remember, of course, the candywhat can I say?
That was part of our traditionand maybe being with family at
the very least, being with ourimmediate family and having this
fun morning with candy and thengoing to church and then having
a nice meal, and this pastweekend I did treat myself to a
little bit of candy.
(03:58):
We did do most of thattradition.
However, the kids weren't here.
My kids are grown up, they liveelsewhere, they're doing great
with their lives and this is nota holiday in terms of long
weekend for us.
So they couldn't come home, andthat has happened before.
(04:18):
I have been an empty nester fora number of years and my
husband and I are doing justfine, yet this year, for some
reason, it was.
It was harder than I thought.
It was like I didn't see itcoming and I just kind of felt
sad, and it's a little hard forme to even admit that, but,
(04:41):
being fully transparent with you.
I felt sad, I wanted my kids.
I wondered how often am I goingto get to see them and that may
not be often sometimes and Ijust really, I was just
(05:02):
realizing that I need to take myown advice, and I did once.
I realized, you know, I alwayssay coaches need coaches, and my
own advice is to pause in amoment like that and ask well, I
was asking myself you can askyourself, okay, how am I feeling
(05:24):
right now?
And I recognized sad.
I was feeling really down, andit wasn't a mad sad or an
embarrassed sad or a, it wasjust just sad.
And the next question is what'sgoing on in my head right now?
That's creating that, becauseit's the thoughts we have that
(05:47):
create our emotions, not in ajudgmental way.
It's okay to feel sad.
In fact, please feel yourfeelings.
And so I I found in my head Iwas telling myself that.
I was telling myself that youknow it used to be better and
(06:10):
maybe did I appreciate it enough.
And are my kids going to bearound?
Am I always going to miss them?
And just these kind of bigsweeping things in my head that
you know it's always going to besad.
This is what we do to ourselves.
Sometimes we we kind ofcatastrophize, I guess, with
these always and never and howcould it ever?
(06:30):
Type of statements.
And so when I recognize that,the next thing is, can I make a
shift?
Can I change anything aboutwhat I'm telling myself in my
head?
And that is not necessarily aneasy thing, nor is it something
that you just flip a coin and gooh, now suddenly I'm grateful
that my kids are doing well andthey have places to live and
(06:52):
they are happy.
It might not be that easythat's the goal, but it might
take time.
And so I was able to shift alittle bit and be grateful that
I got to see my friend and herparents and we had fun and my
husband and I had a nice day andeverybody's healthy and happy,
and I found some things andthat's the key.
(07:15):
So, no matter whether you'rekind of feeling like I was
describing, you're feeling sadabout something, or you are
missing someone or people orsomething you used to have in
terms of status or the way yourlife was sometimes in midlife
(07:39):
and continuing forward andbecoming more seasoned we can
slide along this kind ofslippery slope I'm going to call
it from being nostalgic andthinking about our memories, to
regret and bitterness and wow,it was good back then and now
(07:59):
everything is crap.
And this period of life, Ithink, is sort of the what do
you call it in the middle of aseesaw.
It's like the if only I knewthe word.
It's the thing in the middle ofthe seesaw we're tipping.
We're tipping side to side andI want you to tip towards the
(08:22):
happy, nostalgic, gratitude sideinstead of the regret and
bitterness side.
And I'll give you another kindof little story for me.
I was a teacher in high school.
I taught math and economics for12 years actually, while my
kids were going through school,and I love teaching and I still
(08:44):
do training outside of doingthis podcast.
I love explaining and speaking.
Maybe you're shocked listeningto me now.
So as I was going past my Idon't know seven, eight, nine
years, I started to see.
I started to see bitterness onthe horizon, and what I mean by
(09:13):
that is I started to wonder if Istayed for 20 more years or
whatever it would have been tohit my full retirement age.
Was I going to be one of thoseteachers and you're going to
know what I'm talking aboutgoing to be one of those
teachers and you're going toknow what I'm talking about who
just seemed always upset andjust kind of as if she was being
(09:35):
forced to be there and sort ofa tiny bit angry at everyone.
I kind of saw myself going onthat path.
Believe it or not, I saw it.
I saw like little tiny signs ofbitterness coming and that, at
its most basic level, is thereason that I made a change.
(09:56):
At its most basic level, is thereason that I made a change.
I've also seen, and I bet you'veseen, a lot of more seasoned,
older people who seem to justreally always be bitter for lack
of a better word or wereannoyed.
They're always this.
(10:16):
I thought of this word when Iwas thinking about this episode.
They're always kind of grousingabout something.
Isn't that a great word?
I don't think we use thatanymore much, but it's a great
word.
They're just always kind ofcomplaining, a bit grousing.
Just in my day.
You know what's wrong with kidsthese days?
(10:38):
I mean, I do say some of thatstuff.
I have started to sound like myparents, I think, and maybe you
have too.
I think maybe that's normal,but I don't want to be in my 70s
or in my 80s and just be bitterand just regretful and
complaining.
(10:58):
I don't know how that happensfor some people and maybe
they've had really tough livesand maybe I'm oversimplifying,
and that's, that's fair, I'lltake it.
And yet time marches on and Ithink when we hit this point in
our lives where maybe we're ator beyond the halfway point, we
(11:21):
have so many past experiencesand we have so many memories and
the power of those is lettingthem be a positive thing and not
allowing them to be a thingwhere we're telling ourselves
today is not good because it wasso amazing before or we made a
(11:44):
stupid mistake before and nowtoday is not good.
Regret in one way or the otheris really important that we
don't kind of slide into that asa habit, slide into that as a
(12:08):
habit.
So is it okay to sit in someold memories or sit and look at
old pictures and think back?
Of course it's okay.
Of course it's okay, and maybesometimes we do that to soothe
ourselves.
Maybe it's when we've had a badday and we want to remember a
happy moment.
That's a great reason to do it,but I think sometimes we get
(12:31):
stuck on, should have in thatsituation and what would life be
like now, it wouldn't be thisRegret, regret, regret, okay, so
(13:06):
why do we even dwell onsomething that we regret, or
kind of dwell on somethingnegative, or dwell on this
feeling of well, there's brainscience there, right?
And if you've heard otherepisodes of mine, you probably
already know what I'm going tosay.
Our brains tend to find thenegative really easily and they
(13:36):
do that for one of two reasons.
One, to keep us safe.
So, for example, I'm trying todecide whether I'm going to do
something and my brain is like,well, you could fall and hurt
yourself or whatever the risk is.
It's trying to keep me safe.
That's how our brains work.
So, besides safe, also maybeour brains are trying to help us
(13:57):
learn, and I almost want tolike put that in air quotes.
They're trying to help us learnfrom a past mistake.
Or your brain remembers that youfelt a bit uncomfortable in a
certain situation and it'strying to keep you away from
that situation again, so youdon't have to feel like that
(14:19):
again.
It's learning, but our memoriestend to kind of distort a
little bit.
Some things really stick withus and some things we might
minimize.
So if some really really strongor kind of shocking, immediate
emotion was attached, we'regoing to really distort that
(14:42):
bigger if there was some sort ofnegative shock or something.
If it was.
This is why, by the way,sidebar, this is why we don't
celebrate the small steps whenwe make small steps forward,
because if there was somethinghappening in our past that was
positive but it wasn't attachedto some big emotional thing or,
(15:02):
you know, a big milestone, yourbrain might distort that kind of
and make it more mild and notremember it as much.
Anyway, so reflecting back onour past is really common in
midlife, as we've been saying,and I say even healthy.
(15:22):
I say appreciate the fact thatyou have this much life
experience and appreciate whatit has been, but framing it in a
way that is healthy andconstructive for ourselves is
really important.
So if you're dwelling onsomething and that could be, as
(15:46):
I was saying, a regret from thepast, maybe you're remembering
an incident where you didsomething embarrassing.
Or you're remembering anincident where you made a
decision and now you're like,man, I wish I had made a
different decision.
Or maybe you're remembering howgood it was and you're
comparing that with now andyou're thinking I'm never going
(16:07):
to have something that good.
Whatever these regrets that comefrom kind of sitting and
dwelling in the past are and seeif you can get yourself to
reframe it, to look how far I'vecome or look at what difference
I made.
And even if the scenario isthat you are wishing that things
(16:32):
used to be as good as they usedto be, there's probably still
something you could come up withwhen you ask yourself or maybe
not ask yourself when you tellyourself look how far I've come.
I bet you're stronger, Maybeyou're more independent, maybe
you're proud of what you've done, as you've raised your kids or
(16:54):
influenced people in your lifeor made some other change.
So leave alone the why did I dothat?
And I can't believe, and soannoyed about that from 20 years
ago.
Because I mean, you and I bothknow there is nothing we can do
(17:16):
about what we're annoyed aboutfrom 20 years ago.
I'm sorry to tell you we can doabout what we're annoyed about
from 20 years ago.
I'm sorry to tell you, shift,if you can, from that.
Maybe we call it the regretreframe to look how far I've
come and just let yourselfappreciate that.
(17:38):
Look how far I've come or lookhow far we've come.
So there's my first idea foryou.
Now here's another one, and Igot this from the internet.
I did not come up with this bymyself, but I love it.
So nostalgia to me is verypowerful, and in the first
version of this podcast, I usedto ask listeners to give me a
(18:08):
song that inspired nostalgia andgood memories for them, because
they would always say a songthat I was like oh my gosh, I
love that song.
It boosts your mood when youthink back in this happy way.
It actually boosts yourself-esteem because deep down in
your brain and in your body,you are remembering times that
(18:32):
were happy and you are teachingyour body ooh, yes, it feels
good to be happy.
That's something your bodyalways needs a reminder of, and
it also gives you this kind ofsense of longevity, continuity.
Wow, look, I'm still here and Iremember that cool thing.
Okay, so here's the exercisethat I did not come up with by
myself, but I love when you arein a situation where you're
(18:57):
feeling a bit nostalgic, and itcould go either way.
It could go to the sad andregret or to the happy.
On that seesaw, when you look atan old picture or whatever it
is that's pulling out thatmemory.
What if you can think of goodthings that came from that
moment.
So I look, for some reason it'ssticking in my head when I was
(19:19):
in high school I think I was ajunior, maybe senior, doesn't
matter they had this program.
I was in high school inCharlotte, north Carolina, and
they had this program forforeign language students who
were at a certain level, wherewe would go I don't remember how
many times a couple times aweek or something to a local
elementary school during theschool day and we would teach
them Spanish in my case, and Ihave pictures of myself in the
(19:44):
classroom with these littlesecond graders and it was two or
three of us at a time.
We didn't go all by ourselvesas high school students and try
to teach something, but weplanned a lesson and then we
would go to the elementaryschool and we would teach the
lesson.
And I am just remembering thispicture I have of me in the
classroom that somebody I don'tknow took with their camera and
then developed and gave me theirdouble prints and this really
(20:08):
resonated with me.
That wasn't a negative moment.
But what if I focus on whatgood came from that moment?
Maybe that was my first tasteof speaking to a group and they
happened to be eight years old,but it was my first taste and
it's a positive memory.
What if that affected me?
I mean, isn't that cool?
(20:28):
That's a good thing that camefrom that moment and, even if
the moment was a little bit of ahard or a messy one, if you can
ask yourself what good thing orgood things have come from that
moment, I think this is a coolway to look at memories and I
want you to try it and I wantyou to tell me if you tried it.
(20:49):
Find me on social it's Cheryl PFisher most of the time on most
socials.
Find me and send me a message.
I would love to know.
Okay, your third tool.
I want you to see if you canfind a way to thank your younger
self and those of you who arejournalers and like to write.
I would say sit down with yourpaper or your document and
(21:13):
actually write yourself a thankyou note for what your younger
self did or said or thought orlearned.
If you, like me probably, arenever going to sit down and
actually write it, you can justtake a minute and think about it
.
I'm not going to give you newtasks to do.
(21:33):
We don't have time for that,but you do have a minute, maybe
when you're taking a walk, orwhen you're commuting, or when
you're taking a walk, or whenyou're commuting, or when you're
taking a shower.
If you're thinking aboutmemories and maybe you're
dwelling on a mistake andhonestly, this doesn't even have
to be too far back Maybe it waslast week Is there anything you
can thank yourself for fromthat moment?
(21:55):
Anything, just a little bit ofgratitude.
You never know what you mightcome up with.
The brain is a pretty coolplace because if we ask it
questions, it really wants togive us an answer.
That is why, if you go aroundasking yourself, why does this
always happen to me?
(22:16):
Why am I always late?
How does this always happen?
Your brain is going to find youan answer, and it's probably
not an answer you want.
But if you ask yourself, gosh,what could I be grateful for
about this?
And back to the previous one,what good things came from that
moment, it's switching the wayyou ask the question and your
(22:40):
brain is going to try to findyou an answer, and it's going to
be probably a cool answer.
It's just switching the angle.
Now let me give you one lastthing because we are so hard on
ourselves.
And when I, when I get into mysort of empty nest sad times,
(23:00):
I'm thinking you know why are mykids living farther away?
And blah, blah, blah.
And number one would I judge afriend about where her kids were
and what they were doing?
No heavens, would you talk toyour friend that way?
You would not.
(23:21):
Number two what was the goal inthis situation?
Pretty sure our goal was toraise kids who were happy with
their life and independent andcould take care of themselves.
So that's a good thing.
We gained something from that.
So just be careful, kind of howyou're speaking to yourself.
(23:42):
See if you can change thefilter on that a little bit.
It might help in that moment.
So if I were to wrap this up,here's your thing to remember
from this episode your oh mygoodness moment.
We have a lot of life behind us.
We also have a lot of lifeahead of us.
(24:04):
I'm not focusing on that today,but it's true.
Think about your parents oryour aunts and uncles, or maybe
even your grandparents.
They're a lot older than you,which means there's a lot of
time still to be lived betweenyou and them.
But here, sorry, sidetrack again.
Here it is.
Looking back with joy andappreciation is power.
(24:26):
It's healthy, it's happy, it'sgood for you.
It teaches your body goodthings.
Looking back as a comparison orself-criticism is a trap and
it's going to hold you in there.
That's what I want you toremember.
Use some of the little tricks Igave you.
(24:47):
Midlife is not about mourningwhat's behind us.
It's about looking for goldfrom that.
So dig into the memories, enjoythem and just do it with
kindness to yourself and maybe alittle humor.
Laughter is good.
(25:11):
If you have been enjoying thispodcast and you are listening on
Apple, please go and leave arating and a review.
It makes such a difference.
I want to share with you areview that came in recently
from Society Hill Mom.
So happy I discovered Mind yourMidlife.
Cheryl and her guests shareinsight and advice freely.
(25:33):
That I didn't know I needed.
I always walk away with gems ofinspiration Makes me feel like
we're all in this together.
Thank you, oh my goodness,society Hill mom.
That makes me so happy.
Yes, we're all in this together.
That is entirely the point, andlet's make it fun while we're
in it.
Now also make sure that youhave hit the follow button,
(25:57):
because we're going to have aninteresting discussion on the
next episode.
I don't know whether you havetried to dry January or sober
October, or you have gonealcohol free, or you always were
, or you absolutely are not.
Either way, it's a big movementright now and my guest next
week is going to talk to usabout her experience and, even
(26:20):
if that is just not the rightthing for you, it's a pretty
fascinating discussion, so I'llsee you then.
Keep remembering midlife isyour time to slow down, to
notice your life and what'saround you and create something
amazing.
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