Emotional Health - Show Real Love & Compassion - with Erika and Shawn

THE STORY - by Erika

We go together

This isn’t another story about a misogynistic sociopath. There are far too many stories about individuals with that particular affliction circulating in the world right now. Although one of the characters technically fits the description of one, he is merely a preface, a context setter for the real love story. So let’s get that part of the story out of the way. I fell in love with and entered an exclusive committed long-distance relationship with a man I met in July of 2015 at the Essence Festival in New Orleans. The man looked great on paper…came from a good family, was an established physician and entrepreneur, and was a self-proclaimed “serial monogamist.” We intertwined our family and friends, and got into a groove of traveling back and forth on a monthly basis from California where I live, to Houston, Texas where he called home. As our relationship progressed and became serious, we developed plans for a real time relationship and set a date for him to relocate to California. Several months before the designated move date, he was arrested under a federal DEA indictment for conspiring to sell opioids for cash payments without medical necessity at a pain management clinic he had opened. He now had to get permission to leave the state, temporarily squashing our plan of living in California.  I didn’t doubt his innocence for a second, and as the “ride or die” girlfriend supported him as his professional and legal battles ramped up, all the while living for that “future state” relationship that could start as soon as his challenges were resolved.  

I trusted him totally and completely, so it goes without saying I was completely blindsided when almost three years into our relationship groove and my waiting game for a real time relationship, I received a call from a woman I know in Houston who had been contacted by his other exclusive, committed girlfriend of 3 years, who also lived in Houston.  The other girlfriend saw a text message from me on his phone the night before and asked about me. When he became excessively defensive, she did her research and found a photo of me posing with the mutual acquaintance on Facebook, contacted her and he had officially been made.  He had been leading two completely separate and intricately fabricated lives in plain sight and with complicit onlookers. Everyone in his circle had known about us, but us.   

In a stupor of mortification, I called and confronted him.  Even though I knew he was lying to me about her significance in his life, he reluctantly admitted to cheating and I dumped him immediately. I felt betrayed by everyone, and I didn't want to speak with her. I felt it would be way too painful for me to get the gory details until a friend said “Erika, you may want to speak with her because at this point it’s not about you or what you need to do - it may protect her from making a huge mistake.” I wasn't convinced, but I slept on it and to my own surprise woke up feeling compelled to try and connect with her…one woman to another.  

Her name is Shawn. Too often women in situations like ours turn on each other, or group the other survivor in with the same emotions they have for the perpetrator. It’s a common equation on Real Housewife-esque TV shows: man two-times women + women find out = women want to throw glasses of wine in each other’s faces. Huh? Sure, the day I spoke with Shawn was one of the most heart wrenching and painful days of my adult life. We compared notes and traded receipts until I felt dizzy and wanted to throw up. He had lied to both of us up to the bitter end, and the depths of the duplicitous behavior, lies and betrayal was almost unfathomable.  He was a master manipulator, lying and deceiving in ways I had never seen.  She had plans to move in with him and they were preparing to get pregnant over the summer.  When he told me he was going to therapy to...